1 00:00:41,797 --> 00:00:43,288 I've walked down Liberty Avenue, 2 00:00:43,298 --> 00:00:44,799 oh, I don't know how many times, 3 00:00:44,799 --> 00:00:47,303 checking out the guys, enjoying the view, 4 00:00:47,303 --> 00:00:50,707 no problema. 5 00:00:51,158 --> 00:00:52,659 That was, until I met him. 6 00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:06,175 Am I going crazy? 7 00:01:31,955 --> 00:01:34,460 I'm just feeling a little vulnerable, that's all, 8 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:36,962 since Ben and I broke up. 9 00:01:37,463 --> 00:01:38,465 But I'll be over that soon enough, 10 00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:40,967 courtesy of "Pittsburgh Man-2-Man". 11 00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:43,421 Hi, this is Barry. I'm in my late 20s. 12 00:01:43,421 --> 00:01:44,922 I love to eat in or out. 13 00:01:44,922 --> 00:01:46,924 I'd say I'm a well-rounded guy. 14 00:01:46,924 --> 00:01:50,652 Can you pass the butter? 15 00:01:55,652 --> 00:01:57,604 Hey, guys, I'm Marcus, 16 00:01:57,604 --> 00:01:59,607 a motivated business professional with clearly defined goals. 17 00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:03,577 When you're ready to make a long-term commitment, call me. 18 00:02:03,577 --> 00:02:05,080 Have you thought about... 19 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,053 term life insurance? 20 00:02:10,536 --> 00:02:11,537 Hey, I'm Ed. 21 00:02:11,537 --> 00:02:13,039 Great body, great personality, 22 00:02:13,539 --> 00:02:16,465 Looking to pamper that special someone. 23 00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:24,469 He wanted to diaper me. 24 00:02:24,469 --> 00:02:26,472 Aw, poor baby. 25 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,974 What did you expect from a 30-second voice personal? 26 00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,893 Honesty. I didn't lie in my ad. 27 00:02:31,378 --> 00:02:33,797 Much. 28 00:02:33,797 --> 00:02:35,298 You called and listened 29 00:02:35,298 --> 00:02:37,285 to my ad? 30 00:02:37,285 --> 00:02:38,786 It's a free country. 31 00:02:38,786 --> 00:02:39,787 "Hey, it's Mike. 32 00:02:39,787 --> 00:02:41,774 Cute, swimmer build. 33 00:02:41,774 --> 00:02:43,942 - Boy-next-door type." - Where you goin'? 34 00:02:45,244 --> 00:02:46,745 Sounds good. 35 00:02:46,745 --> 00:02:50,216 You also added a couple extra inches. 36 00:02:50,216 --> 00:02:51,167 To his height. I... 37 00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:53,137 But I was very pleased to hear 38 00:02:53,137 --> 00:02:54,121 That you're versatile, 39 00:02:54,121 --> 00:02:56,123 and not a total bottom. 40 00:02:56,123 --> 00:03:01,546 Ah, sounds even better. 41 00:03:01,546 --> 00:03:05,001 Can I interject just one word of motherly advice? 42 00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:06,486 Interject away. 43 00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:07,920 You're never gonna get a boyfriend 44 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,356 from voice mail. 45 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:12,326 But if you really, really want to meet somebody, 46 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:15,331 - Go see my friend. - "Ida Pearlstein, 47 00:03:15,331 --> 00:03:18,252 matchmaker". 48 00:03:19,252 --> 00:03:22,756 I could make a lot of trite musical theatre references right now. 49 00:03:22,756 --> 00:03:23,757 But I won't. 50 00:03:23,757 --> 00:03:25,259 Your friends are freaks, ma. 51 00:03:25,259 --> 00:03:27,195 I'm not going to be set up by some oldyenta. 52 00:03:27,195 --> 00:03:29,200 Michael... 53 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,701 See those lovebirds over there? 54 00:03:33,185 --> 00:03:34,186 Ida fixed them up. 55 00:03:34,186 --> 00:03:35,688 They're celebrating their third. 56 00:03:35,688 --> 00:03:36,689 Don't they look happy? 57 00:03:36,689 --> 00:03:39,175 Or heavily medicated. 58 00:03:39,609 --> 00:03:44,615 Now I say try Adam and Steve internet dating. 59 00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:47,619 Eh? See what you're getting before you get it, you know. 60 00:03:47,619 --> 00:03:49,621 Weed out the unfuckables. 61 00:03:49,621 --> 00:03:51,624 Dating services? 62 00:03:51,624 --> 00:03:53,576 Matchmakers? 63 00:03:53,576 --> 00:03:54,577 It's all bullshit. 64 00:03:55,077 --> 00:03:56,079 The next guy that walks through that door 65 00:03:56,580 --> 00:04:02,437 is the man I'm going to live with for the rest of my life. 66 00:04:02,437 --> 00:04:03,438 Oh, Michael, 67 00:04:03,938 --> 00:04:04,889 there you are. Yeah. 68 00:04:04,889 --> 00:04:11,380 Rent cheque's due today, sweetie. 69 00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:16,319 Adam and Steve. Adam and Steve. 70 00:04:21,776 --> 00:04:23,245 Up for another go. 71 00:04:23,245 --> 00:04:25,731 Things are tight. 72 00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:27,165 When can I see you again? 73 00:04:27,165 --> 00:04:28,635 The store policy, uh, 74 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,637 no deposit... 75 00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:32,138 no return. 76 00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:33,139 Then... 77 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,643 I'll just have to take what I can get. 78 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:36,644 You don't get that. 79 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:38,580 Oh, let me guess. 80 00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,583 A boyfriend? 81 00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:42,584 Huh. Thought so. 82 00:04:45,588 --> 00:04:49,593 I was in one of those arrangements once. 83 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,028 Problem is... 84 00:04:51,028 --> 00:04:52,529 you leave your door open, 85 00:04:52,529 --> 00:04:55,034 and you never know who's gonna come in... 86 00:04:55,034 --> 00:04:56,535 or out. 87 00:04:56,952 --> 00:04:58,454 Do you mind taking the stairs? 88 00:04:58,921 --> 00:05:02,926 Cutting it a little close, aren't you? 89 00:05:02,926 --> 00:05:04,427 - Hey. - We're here. 90 00:05:04,427 --> 00:05:06,347 And not a moment too soon. 91 00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:10,828 You can't believe the sales they were having. 92 00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:20,830 Looks like you picked up a few things. 93 00:05:20,830 --> 00:05:22,333 You too. 94 00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:23,834 I just sold a house. 95 00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:25,336 So, I decided to splurge, 96 00:05:25,336 --> 00:05:28,290 buy myself some new clothes. 97 00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:30,742 I'm way too old to go shopping with my mother. 98 00:05:30,742 --> 00:05:34,180 Not when she's paying. 99 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,182 I hope you remembered 100 00:05:36,182 --> 00:05:39,586 to buy him some rubbers... 101 00:05:39,586 --> 00:05:41,054 uh, for those rainy days. 102 00:05:41,054 --> 00:05:43,541 Hey. 103 00:05:43,541 --> 00:05:45,043 Look, you can wear this to Daphne's party. 104 00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:47,468 Nah. Not going to the hetero-hop 105 00:05:47,479 --> 00:05:48,940 with a bunch of beerchugging breeders. 106 00:05:48,964 --> 00:05:51,400 Justin, you've got to get out there, 107 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,320 and meet new friends your own age. 108 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,756 - Nothing personal. - Oh no, I agree. 109 00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,760 Youth should be savoured. 110 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,696 I met his dad in junior year, but... 111 00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:04,199 believe me, before that, I did some... 112 00:06:04,199 --> 00:06:08,671 pretty wild things. 113 00:06:08,671 --> 00:06:10,606 Uh, it runs in the family. 114 00:06:10,606 --> 00:06:13,026 Okay, I've got to pick up your sister. 115 00:06:13,026 --> 00:06:15,479 Sweetheart, college is going to be 116 00:06:15,479 --> 00:06:17,981 the best time of your life. 117 00:06:17,981 --> 00:06:20,985 I'm just... I'm so excited for you. 118 00:06:20,985 --> 00:06:24,489 So am I. 119 00:06:24,489 --> 00:06:27,433 - Bye. - Bye. 120 00:06:33,433 --> 00:06:36,438 - How was he? - Not bad. 121 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,941 What did he look like? 122 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,444 Guess. 123 00:06:43,947 --> 00:06:46,450 Uh... 124 00:06:46,951 --> 00:06:47,952 6'2"... 125 00:06:49,387 --> 00:06:54,326 175, black hair, brown eyes... 126 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:55,827 smouldering good looks. 127 00:06:55,827 --> 00:06:58,715 That's very good. 128 00:06:58,715 --> 00:07:01,718 What'd you do? 129 00:07:01,718 --> 00:07:04,221 You fucked him? You suck him? Tell me. 130 00:07:04,221 --> 00:07:07,092 Why don't I just show you? 131 00:07:07,092 --> 00:07:10,595 Hup two, soldier. Bombs away! 132 00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:13,099 Ready... 133 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:14,600 aim... 134 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,535 fire! 135 00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:26,380 Bravo! 136 00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,384 Fetch Dixon delivers another stunning display of manpower. 137 00:07:29,384 --> 00:07:30,853 - Well... - I'll take your guns. 138 00:07:30,853 --> 00:07:33,355 My fans expect me to give it my all. 139 00:07:33,857 --> 00:07:37,310 I do have a reputation to uphold. 140 00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:40,314 And judging from all your cards and letters, 141 00:07:40,314 --> 00:07:42,767 they love to watch you uphold it. 142 00:07:48,774 --> 00:07:50,777 "Dear Fetch, I am sending you this 143 00:07:51,277 --> 00:07:53,780 as a token of my affection. 144 00:07:53,780 --> 00:07:58,285 Please think of me when you use it." 145 00:07:58,786 --> 00:08:01,723 Ew. 146 00:08:01,723 --> 00:08:02,724 "Dear Fetch, 147 00:08:02,724 --> 00:08:04,209 could you wear this to the gym, 148 00:08:04,709 --> 00:08:05,711 then pop it back 149 00:08:05,711 --> 00:08:07,630 into the self-addressed, stamped... 150 00:08:07,630 --> 00:08:09,081 envelope." 151 00:08:09,081 --> 00:08:10,533 Get a life. 152 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,018 - Okay. All right, let's... - Wait. Wait. 153 00:08:12,018 --> 00:08:15,444 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? 154 00:08:19,444 --> 00:08:21,414 Oh, my God! 155 00:08:21,414 --> 00:08:23,917 Teddy, look. 156 00:08:23,917 --> 00:08:25,919 It's exquisite. 157 00:08:25,919 --> 00:08:27,354 It must have cost a fortune. 158 00:08:27,354 --> 00:08:28,856 Well, here's a card. 159 00:08:29,323 --> 00:08:33,311 "You are a beacon of light in the sordid gloom of cyberspace. 160 00:08:33,812 --> 00:08:35,814 Fond admiration... 161 00:08:35,814 --> 00:08:39,819 your secret admirer." 162 00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:41,821 My secret admirer. I... 163 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,307 All my life, I've... 164 00:08:43,307 --> 00:08:44,741 I've wanted a... secret admirer. 165 00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,243 Here. Here, here, help me put it on. 166 00:08:46,243 --> 00:08:47,244 You're not going to keep it? 167 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,664 I... It's gold! 168 00:08:50,164 --> 00:08:51,666 What queen doesn't accept gold? 169 00:08:51,666 --> 00:08:55,154 Uh, one whose loyal subjects send him giant dildoes, 170 00:08:55,154 --> 00:08:57,156 qnd want to sniff his jock-strap. 171 00:08:57,156 --> 00:08:59,152 They're lunatics, Emmett. 172 00:08:59,142 --> 00:09:00,143 If you let them into your life, 173 00:09:00,143 --> 00:09:02,112 they're going to think they're your friends, 174 00:09:02,112 --> 00:09:03,613 and they're going to expect you to be theirs, 175 00:09:03,613 --> 00:09:06,117 and you'll never be rid of them, so... 176 00:09:06,117 --> 00:09:07,118 Come on. 177 00:09:07,118 --> 00:09:10,088 But it's so shiny... 178 00:09:10,589 --> 00:09:11,089 and pretty. 179 00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:12,507 Take it off. 180 00:09:12,507 --> 00:09:15,478 - I don't want to. - Emmett! 181 00:09:15,478 --> 00:09:18,381 All right. 182 00:09:18,882 --> 00:09:20,384 Uh, come on. 183 00:09:20,384 --> 00:09:22,887 Give it. 184 00:09:22,887 --> 00:09:25,824 Remember, everything in this life 185 00:09:26,324 --> 00:09:28,760 comes with strings attached. Okay? 186 00:09:29,261 --> 00:09:33,540 Even little, white, satin ones. I'm sorry. 187 00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:56,042 Okay. And we're rolling. 188 00:09:56,042 --> 00:09:58,547 Hi, I'm Mike. Uh, i'm just a fun guy, 189 00:09:58,547 --> 00:10:00,048 and I'd love to meet another fun guy, 190 00:10:00,048 --> 00:10:03,503 so call me if you're looking for some fun. 191 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:06,005 Uh... let's try it again, but this time, 192 00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:09,960 Let's have a little less "fun". 193 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,847 Less fun. 194 00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:16,351 Um... 195 00:10:16,851 --> 00:10:18,354 Hey, dudes, it's Mike. 196 00:10:18,354 --> 00:10:19,789 I'm into good times, 197 00:10:20,289 --> 00:10:23,225 good friends, you know, the good life. 198 00:10:23,225 --> 00:10:24,227 Call me. 199 00:10:24,227 --> 00:10:25,228 Is that better? 200 00:10:25,228 --> 00:10:28,231 For a beer commercial, yeah. Um, but, uh... 201 00:10:28,231 --> 00:10:30,234 Let's try it again, and this time, 202 00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:37,676 let's try to be more... I don't know, personal. 203 00:10:37,676 --> 00:10:39,679 I never knew my father. 204 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,632 He was killed in Vietnam two weeks after I was born, 205 00:10:42,632 --> 00:10:45,136 but somehow we managed to survive. 206 00:10:45,136 --> 00:10:46,637 I dropped out of Community College, 207 00:10:46,637 --> 00:10:49,140 and, uh, I went to work at the Big Q Mart. 208 00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:50,642 That's when my Uncle Vic came to live with us. 209 00:10:50,642 --> 00:10:52,110 He was dying of AIDS. 210 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,112 Okay, uh, thanks for sharing, but, uh... 211 00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:56,115 you're looking for a date, not a therapist, all right? 212 00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:58,117 So we've got time for one more, 213 00:10:58,117 --> 00:11:04,558 so put a more positive spin on it. 214 00:11:05,059 --> 00:11:06,061 Hi, I'm Michael. I'm 29. 215 00:11:06,061 --> 00:11:10,065 Honest, sincere, romantic, with my own business. 216 00:11:10,065 --> 00:11:14,570 I like... working out, dancing, going to clubs. 217 00:11:14,570 --> 00:11:16,573 I have a great group of friends. I love them to death, 218 00:11:17,074 --> 00:11:19,576 But I'm still looking for that certain someone who... 219 00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:25,016 Who knows that underneath that mildmannered appearance... 220 00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:31,440 beats the heart of a superhero. 221 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:38,349 I'm sorry, what was that? 222 00:11:58,790 --> 00:12:01,293 I swear you can't tell the difference. 223 00:12:03,796 --> 00:12:05,799 Well, as long as we're comparing... 224 00:12:05,799 --> 00:12:07,734 Holy shit! 225 00:12:07,734 --> 00:12:09,236 Is that real gold? 226 00:12:09,236 --> 00:12:12,673 I almost broke a tooth testing. 227 00:12:13,174 --> 00:12:15,177 My secret admirer sent it to me. 228 00:12:15,677 --> 00:12:17,663 Who do you think it is? 229 00:12:17,663 --> 00:12:19,648 I know who I'd like it to be. 230 00:12:19,648 --> 00:12:22,152 A dashing, young prince, 231 00:12:22,152 --> 00:12:25,656 too... shy at first to reveal he has a crush on me. 232 00:12:25,656 --> 00:12:27,074 But he appears and... 233 00:12:27,074 --> 00:12:29,026 whisks me off to his palace. 234 00:12:29,026 --> 00:12:32,030 Oh, where you live happily ever after. 235 00:12:33,982 --> 00:12:35,484 I know. It's... 236 00:12:35,984 --> 00:12:37,487 highly unrealistic. 237 00:12:37,987 --> 00:12:39,989 My friends would probably laugh if they heard me. 238 00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:42,926 Oh, what do they know about love, honey? 239 00:12:42,926 --> 00:12:45,429 Most of them are too busy chasing their hard-ons 240 00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:46,931 to listen to their heart. 241 00:12:46,931 --> 00:12:50,925 Still I... have this dream... 242 00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:53,439 of... perfection. 243 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:56,942 So I... keep on looking... 244 00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,413 Hoping against hope that I'll find it. 245 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,884 Well, it's an admirable dream, honey. 246 00:13:02,884 --> 00:13:04,819 But I gotta tell you, Em, in most cases, 247 00:13:04,819 --> 00:13:07,822 that kind of love only happens in the movies, 248 00:13:07,822 --> 00:13:11,293 and even then, only to Audrey Hepburn. 249 00:13:11,293 --> 00:13:13,263 Real love, when it comes, doesn't look 250 00:13:13,263 --> 00:13:16,249 anything like what you expect. 251 00:13:16,749 --> 00:13:19,203 Pardon me. 252 00:13:19,203 --> 00:13:20,705 Yes? 253 00:13:20,705 --> 00:13:23,141 You're Fetch, are you not? 254 00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,645 That's right. 255 00:13:25,645 --> 00:13:29,566 I've been sent to "fetch" you. 256 00:13:29,566 --> 00:13:31,068 Excuse me. You... 257 00:13:31,568 --> 00:13:33,570 you expect me to get into a car with a... 258 00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:35,573 a total stranger and... and... and... 259 00:13:35,573 --> 00:13:38,576 drive off to God knows where? I... 260 00:13:38,576 --> 00:13:43,032 Sorry, but my mother taught me better. 261 00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:45,502 Don't look at me. I'm not his mother. 262 00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:47,437 My employer is expecting you. 263 00:13:47,437 --> 00:13:50,374 And who... who exactly is your employer? 264 00:13:50,374 --> 00:13:51,826 You know 265 00:13:51,826 --> 00:13:54,762 he's gotta tell you he's not at liberty to say. 266 00:13:55,213 --> 00:14:00,056 I'm not at liberty to say. 267 00:14:03,056 --> 00:14:05,058 What have you gotta do the rest of the day? 268 00:14:05,058 --> 00:14:08,062 Wash out your undies? 269 00:14:08,062 --> 00:14:12,500 Okay. 270 00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:23,413 Hi, I'm Michael. I'm 29, 271 00:14:23,413 --> 00:14:26,533 honest, sincere, romantic. 272 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:31,089 I love dancing, going to the movies, working out. 273 00:14:31,089 --> 00:14:34,093 I got a great group of friends. I love 'em to death, 274 00:14:34,093 --> 00:14:37,096 but I'm still looking for that special someone. 275 00:14:37,596 --> 00:14:42,068 So if you're looking to have some fun, call me. 276 00:14:42,068 --> 00:14:44,555 Well? 277 00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:46,040 You have excellent posture. 278 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,475 Nice shirt. 279 00:14:47,475 --> 00:14:49,444 You're absolutely adorable. 280 00:14:49,945 --> 00:14:51,446 It's pathetic. 281 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,000 At least somebody's honest. 282 00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:56,369 Asshole. 283 00:14:56,369 --> 00:14:58,371 What a complete fucking waste of time and money. 284 00:14:58,371 --> 00:15:00,374 Listen, Mikey, you have to sell yourself. 285 00:15:00,374 --> 00:15:02,877 You're... you're no different than toothpaste or shampoo. 286 00:15:02,877 --> 00:15:04,880 People want sexy. 287 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,882 - They want hot. - He's right. 288 00:15:06,882 --> 00:15:10,070 I think I'll reheat this pizza. 289 00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:11,772 So what am I supposed to do? 290 00:15:11,772 --> 00:15:13,757 Don't move. 291 00:15:26,489 --> 00:15:27,991 Let's see. 292 00:15:27,991 --> 00:15:29,993 - "Nice guy..." - Make that "a hot guy". 293 00:15:30,493 --> 00:15:31,479 "Well-rounded..." 294 00:15:31,479 --> 00:15:32,963 Could you make that "well-hung"? 295 00:15:32,963 --> 00:15:34,915 "With a spirit of adventure." 296 00:15:34,915 --> 00:15:36,384 "Is into any scene." 297 00:15:36,384 --> 00:15:37,319 Can't say that. 298 00:15:37,819 --> 00:15:39,271 Shut up and show me some skin. 299 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,672 "If you're giving.... 300 00:15:40,672 --> 00:15:42,075 "With a great sense of humour. 301 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,543 Big heart..." 302 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,044 "If you like to give it..." 303 00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,496 "Have a great body..." 304 00:15:46,496 --> 00:15:47,931 "And a big cock..." 305 00:15:47,931 --> 00:15:49,800 "I want to hear from you." 306 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,985 Perfect. 307 00:16:11,959 --> 00:16:12,960 That's the one. 308 00:16:16,882 --> 00:16:19,886 - I'd date me. - So would I. 309 00:16:19,886 --> 00:16:21,388 Theoretically speaking. 310 00:16:21,388 --> 00:16:22,889 Well, it's not exactly what I wrote. 311 00:16:22,889 --> 00:16:24,892 Writers, 312 00:16:24,892 --> 00:16:27,395 complaining every time you change a fucking word. 313 00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:29,397 You'll be beating them off with a stick. 314 00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:31,400 Hopefully you won't need a stick. 315 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,819 So how does it feel, Mikey, 316 00:16:33,819 --> 00:16:35,304 to be the hottest guy on the internet? 317 00:16:38,674 --> 00:16:41,678 Well, in the modern retelling, 318 00:16:41,678 --> 00:16:43,181 the coach would be a limo, 319 00:16:43,181 --> 00:16:45,183 and the liveried footman would, uh, 320 00:16:45,684 --> 00:16:47,186 would be the driver, 321 00:16:47,186 --> 00:16:48,687 and Cinderella would, of course, 322 00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:50,189 be a fag rather than a woman, 323 00:16:50,189 --> 00:16:52,192 since no self-respecting woman would let herself 324 00:16:52,192 --> 00:16:53,693 be enticed to a strange man's home 325 00:16:53,693 --> 00:16:56,197 with jewelry, a limo, champagne and caviar... 326 00:16:56,197 --> 00:17:00,708 Thank God. 327 00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:13,587 Oh, my God. 328 00:17:25,531 --> 00:17:28,035 Something tells me I'm not in Kansas anymore. 329 00:17:28,535 --> 00:17:31,438 In fact, something tells me I'm not in Pittsburgh anymore. 330 00:17:31,922 --> 00:17:34,392 Fetch? 331 00:17:41,884 --> 00:17:44,354 It's him. 332 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,857 Uh, your, uh, your... your majesty. 333 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:51,312 Your... grace, your, uh... 334 00:17:51,312 --> 00:17:54,248 gorgeousness, I, uh... 335 00:17:54,248 --> 00:17:56,251 I received the bracelet... 336 00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:57,719 and I'm yours. 337 00:17:57,719 --> 00:18:00,657 I'm the butler, sir. 338 00:18:00,657 --> 00:18:02,625 Uh... oh. 339 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:03,576 This way. 340 00:18:03,576 --> 00:18:08,065 Okay. Yeah. Right. 341 00:18:08,065 --> 00:18:11,572 Jesus, if he's the butler... 342 00:18:13,572 --> 00:18:16,576 Thank you. 343 00:18:19,078 --> 00:18:23,086 Oh... my... God! 344 00:18:34,097 --> 00:18:37,101 No, no, no. Don't do that. No. No. 345 00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:39,604 This is, uh, no time to be a show-tune queen. 346 00:18:39,604 --> 00:18:42,608 This is, uh... it's much more... 347 00:18:42,608 --> 00:18:44,109 "Masterpiece Theatre". 348 00:18:44,109 --> 00:18:45,611 Yes. Oh.... 349 00:18:45,611 --> 00:18:47,614 Your highness. Yes. 350 00:18:47,614 --> 00:18:49,616 How very kind of you to invite me. 351 00:18:49,616 --> 00:18:53,610 I love what you've done with the place. Yes. 352 00:18:53,621 --> 00:18:55,122 Join you by the fire? Oh, I'd be delighted. 353 00:18:55,122 --> 00:18:57,124 Do you know, 354 00:18:57,625 --> 00:18:59,628 I've always wanted to ask you, is, uh, 355 00:18:59,628 --> 00:19:01,129 is Charming your first name 356 00:19:01,129 --> 00:19:02,631 or your last? 357 00:19:02,631 --> 00:19:05,067 Oh. Huh. 358 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:09,072 Jesus Christ. Scared me to death. 359 00:19:09,072 --> 00:19:12,542 I didn't, uh, didn't know anyone was here. 360 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:15,046 I'm, uh, I'm Fetch. 361 00:19:15,046 --> 00:19:17,048 Waiting for the master. 362 00:19:17,548 --> 00:19:20,052 I'm George Schickel. 363 00:19:20,052 --> 00:19:22,504 I am the master. 364 00:19:23,005 --> 00:19:24,506 You... I see you, uh, 365 00:19:25,008 --> 00:19:27,477 received my little... token of esteem. 366 00:19:27,477 --> 00:19:28,895 Huh? 367 00:19:29,396 --> 00:19:30,898 Oh... yeah. 368 00:19:30,898 --> 00:19:32,400 I was on the internet one day, 369 00:19:32,883 --> 00:19:34,835 "surfing" I believe is the word, 370 00:19:34,835 --> 00:19:37,322 when I came upon you. 371 00:19:37,322 --> 00:19:38,824 Oh, my, my, my. 372 00:19:39,324 --> 00:19:42,695 You're a very talented boy. 373 00:19:42,695 --> 00:19:43,696 Hardly a boy. 374 00:19:44,197 --> 00:19:45,198 At my age, 375 00:19:45,198 --> 00:19:48,152 everyone's a boy. 376 00:19:48,152 --> 00:19:51,155 Now then... 377 00:19:51,155 --> 00:19:53,658 - shall we discuss your fee? - Fee? 378 00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:58,130 Oh, for your... services. 379 00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:00,633 I have no idea what you people charge, so, um, 380 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,636 Will a thousand suffice? 381 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:05,089 A thousand? A... 382 00:20:05,089 --> 00:20:06,591 All right, two. 383 00:20:06,591 --> 00:20:10,095 - Two? - All right. Three. 384 00:20:10,095 --> 00:20:12,932 God, you drive a hard bargain... 385 00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:17,938 So it had better... be hard. 386 00:20:18,939 --> 00:20:21,892 Excuse me, Mr. Schickel, 387 00:20:21,892 --> 00:20:24,896 but I'm afraid you've made a mistake. 388 00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:27,399 I'm not, as you seem to think, 389 00:20:27,899 --> 00:20:28,401 for hire. 390 00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:31,337 I came here expecting... 391 00:20:31,838 --> 00:20:32,839 Well, it's... 392 00:20:32,839 --> 00:20:34,842 it's not important what I came here expecting, 393 00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:38,762 except to say I didn't find it. 394 00:20:38,762 --> 00:20:42,667 Thank you for the, uh, lovely gift... 395 00:20:43,151 --> 00:20:49,659 and for allowing me a few moments to dream. 396 00:20:49,659 --> 00:20:52,667 Now, if you'll excuse me. 397 00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:32,544 You want me to fuck you? 398 00:21:32,544 --> 00:21:34,546 I want you to wash my back. 399 00:21:42,021 --> 00:21:42,956 Better get a move on. 400 00:21:43,457 --> 00:21:46,882 The guys are waiting on us. 401 00:21:49,882 --> 00:21:50,883 You know maybe you should... 402 00:21:51,383 --> 00:21:52,384 get some friends your own age. 403 00:21:52,885 --> 00:21:56,322 You sound like my mother. 404 00:21:56,322 --> 00:21:59,310 Well, sometimes your mommy's right. 405 00:21:59,310 --> 00:22:02,313 I have friends my own age. 406 00:22:02,313 --> 00:22:05,817 You're my age, emotionally. 407 00:22:05,817 --> 00:22:07,319 I mean like Daphne. 408 00:22:07,319 --> 00:22:10,323 I'm not going to her lame-ass party. 409 00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:12,258 Why? You got something better to do? 410 00:22:12,258 --> 00:22:14,260 Be with you. 411 00:22:14,761 --> 00:22:15,762 You can always be with me. 412 00:22:15,762 --> 00:22:18,766 You practically are. 413 00:22:19,766 --> 00:22:21,769 What if I meet some horny frat boy? 414 00:22:21,769 --> 00:22:25,774 Fuck him for me. 415 00:22:26,275 --> 00:22:29,695 Hey, I just want you to enjoy your youth. 416 00:22:29,695 --> 00:22:32,516 I certainly have. 417 00:22:46,516 --> 00:22:47,717 19 guys already. 418 00:22:47,717 --> 00:22:48,918 He's not bad. 419 00:22:48,918 --> 00:22:52,122 He's even better. 420 00:22:52,523 --> 00:22:54,925 Oh my God! He's perfect. 421 00:22:54,925 --> 00:22:57,362 And he wants to meet you tonight. 422 00:22:59,364 --> 00:23:01,366 I gotta give Brian credit, he can sell anything, 423 00:23:01,366 --> 00:23:02,869 even me. 424 00:23:02,869 --> 00:23:04,871 Hey, Em, you wanna see my dream date? 425 00:23:04,871 --> 00:23:06,372 Fuck off. 426 00:23:06,372 --> 00:23:08,375 Who pissed on your parade? 427 00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:11,828 - My secret admirer. - You didn't. 428 00:23:12,329 --> 00:23:13,331 I thought we agreed 429 00:23:13,331 --> 00:23:15,333 that this wasn't really a good idea. 430 00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:18,837 I know. But his chauffeur picked me up. 431 00:23:18,837 --> 00:23:20,272 You did it with his chauffeur? 432 00:23:20,272 --> 00:23:22,775 No, sweetie, his chauffeur 433 00:23:22,775 --> 00:23:26,230 drove me... to his place... 434 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:29,234 which makes Buckingham Palace look like a Winnebago. 435 00:23:29,234 --> 00:23:31,186 So who is this guy, anyway? 436 00:23:31,186 --> 00:23:34,056 George Schickel. 437 00:23:34,056 --> 00:23:36,059 "Schickel's pickles"? 438 00:23:36,059 --> 00:23:37,560 "The pickle the people prefer"? 439 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,047 Well, he can keep his pickle. 440 00:23:40,547 --> 00:23:42,049 It's like, 300 years old. 441 00:23:42,049 --> 00:23:43,984 They say he's worth a fortune. 442 00:23:43,984 --> 00:23:46,972 Well, unfortunately for him 443 00:23:47,472 --> 00:23:48,473 he finally found something 444 00:23:48,473 --> 00:23:51,477 that even his money can't buy, 445 00:23:51,477 --> 00:23:52,979 namely... me. 446 00:23:53,479 --> 00:23:54,413 He thinks you're a... 447 00:23:54,413 --> 00:23:56,850 A hustler! Can you imagine? 448 00:23:56,850 --> 00:23:59,269 - Unbelievable. - The nerve. 449 00:23:59,269 --> 00:24:00,722 I told him, "I am an artist. 450 00:24:00,722 --> 00:24:03,725 What I do requires concentration, 451 00:24:03,725 --> 00:24:05,727 dedication, determination... 452 00:24:05,727 --> 00:24:07,713 Don't forget ejaculation. 453 00:24:07,713 --> 00:24:10,716 Take my word; it's a lot harder than it looks. 454 00:24:10,716 --> 00:24:13,219 And if you're watching, Mr. Schickel, 455 00:24:13,219 --> 00:24:17,224 what you see is definitely not what you get. 456 00:24:44,073 --> 00:24:46,575 Uh, Justin? 457 00:24:46,575 --> 00:24:48,077 Having a good time? 458 00:24:48,578 --> 00:24:49,079 Can't you tell? 459 00:24:49,579 --> 00:24:51,031 Yes, well you have to mingle. 460 00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:52,966 With your happy hetero friends? 461 00:24:52,966 --> 00:24:55,470 Look, if I can deal with the homos at Woody's, 462 00:24:55,470 --> 00:24:56,971 you can handle them, hmm? 463 00:24:57,472 --> 00:24:59,975 Yeah, that's the problem. 464 00:25:00,476 --> 00:25:01,977 No one to handle. 465 00:26:04,252 --> 00:26:05,754 Wait. 466 00:26:05,754 --> 00:26:08,758 We have to be safe. 467 00:26:08,758 --> 00:26:11,260 Don't worry. 468 00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:15,649 I come prepared. 469 00:26:15,649 --> 00:26:17,651 Put it on my dick. 470 00:26:17,651 --> 00:26:18,653 Just, uh... 471 00:26:19,154 --> 00:26:21,156 go slowly, okay? 472 00:26:21,656 --> 00:26:22,657 I... 473 00:26:22,657 --> 00:26:24,660 I've never... 474 00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:27,163 I didn't think so. 475 00:26:27,163 --> 00:26:30,081 I'll take it easy. 476 00:26:43,081 --> 00:26:44,533 I thought you were going out. 477 00:26:44,533 --> 00:26:49,039 And miss the Betty Hutton film festival? 478 00:26:49,039 --> 00:26:51,543 - My date is coming over. - So? 479 00:26:51,543 --> 00:26:55,013 He looks really hot. What if we want to fuck right here on the floor? 480 00:26:55,013 --> 00:26:58,518 I promise not to leave any crumbs. 481 00:26:58,518 --> 00:27:00,520 And I hate to burst your bubble, baby, 482 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,023 But most of those guys don't even use their own photos, 483 00:27:03,023 --> 00:27:05,526 or else they took it, like, 30 years ago. 484 00:27:05,526 --> 00:27:07,028 Don't be so cynical. 485 00:27:07,028 --> 00:27:09,531 And don't be surprised when he shows up at the door, 486 00:27:09,531 --> 00:27:11,032 turns out to be some old geezer. 487 00:27:11,533 --> 00:27:13,536 Look, just 'cause you had a bad experience, 488 00:27:13,536 --> 00:27:16,038 Dldoesn't mean that everyone's out to get whatever they want 489 00:27:16,038 --> 00:27:17,541 by whatever means they can. 490 00:27:18,041 --> 00:27:22,849 There's still some honest people in the world. 491 00:27:24,849 --> 00:27:26,851 You're right, they all lie. 492 00:27:26,851 --> 00:27:30,856 He's, like, this 300-year old guy in a red cardigan. 493 00:27:30,856 --> 00:27:33,861 I believe that one's for me. 494 00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:38,832 Mr. Schickel, 495 00:27:38,832 --> 00:27:41,318 I do not appreciate being stalked. 496 00:27:41,318 --> 00:27:43,290 So kindly remove yourself from my doorway, 497 00:27:43,304 --> 00:27:45,307 my building, my street and my life. 498 00:27:45,307 --> 00:27:48,760 Please, please I... 499 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,763 I've gone to a lot of trouble to find you. 500 00:27:50,763 --> 00:27:52,715 Quite unnecessary, I assure you. 501 00:27:52,715 --> 00:27:54,668 Oh, no, no, no. I was... 502 00:27:54,668 --> 00:27:58,171 I was just horrified when I realized that I'd made such a... 503 00:27:58,171 --> 00:28:00,625 really serious miscalculation. 504 00:28:00,625 --> 00:28:04,128 A miscalculation is when you can't balance your checkbook. 505 00:28:04,128 --> 00:28:06,565 - This was... - An insult. 506 00:28:06,565 --> 00:28:09,068 I realize that. 507 00:28:09,068 --> 00:28:12,989 So I have come here to offer you my apologies... 508 00:28:12,989 --> 00:28:14,975 and, uh... 509 00:28:14,975 --> 00:28:18,913 and this... 510 00:28:19,363 --> 00:28:23,807 because I would still like you to have it. 511 00:28:27,807 --> 00:28:30,228 I don't accept gifts from fans. 512 00:28:31,228 --> 00:28:34,215 Then have dinner with me. 513 00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:35,717 Sorry, I... already... 514 00:28:36,217 --> 00:28:38,154 Please. 515 00:28:38,154 --> 00:28:39,155 Please? 516 00:28:39,639 --> 00:28:42,080 It would just be a small but... 517 00:28:42,092 --> 00:28:45,095 nevertheless heartfelt expression of my deepest regret, 518 00:28:45,095 --> 00:28:47,548 at having treated you in such a rude 519 00:28:48,049 --> 00:28:50,969 and reprehensible manner. 520 00:28:50,969 --> 00:28:52,470 Well, I... 521 00:28:52,470 --> 00:28:55,474 I don't think your manner's that... reprehensible. I... 522 00:28:58,395 --> 00:29:01,831 Well... 523 00:29:01,831 --> 00:29:03,834 Oh, all right. 524 00:29:03,834 --> 00:29:07,338 Go... rev up the carriage, Prince Charming, I'll... 525 00:29:07,338 --> 00:29:09,775 get my slippers. 526 00:29:19,670 --> 00:29:20,671 Uh, excuse me, 527 00:29:20,671 --> 00:29:22,156 I'm looking for Michael. 528 00:29:22,156 --> 00:29:24,576 Oh my God, you, uh... 529 00:29:24,576 --> 00:29:26,077 you really are a dream. 530 00:29:26,077 --> 00:29:28,496 So... Michael, 531 00:29:28,496 --> 00:29:30,966 your date's here. 532 00:29:30,966 --> 00:29:31,967 Where were you 10 seconds ago 533 00:29:31,967 --> 00:29:34,326 when I was still available? 534 00:29:39,793 --> 00:29:40,795 Oh, um, come in. 535 00:29:40,795 --> 00:29:44,298 Thanks. 536 00:29:44,298 --> 00:29:47,302 So, um... 537 00:29:47,302 --> 00:29:49,800 I thought we'd, uh, do maybe pizza and a movie. 538 00:29:49,805 --> 00:29:51,307 Or, uh, tex-mex and dancing. 539 00:29:51,307 --> 00:29:53,810 Or we could just stay here and fuck our brains out. 540 00:29:54,310 --> 00:29:55,311 Uh, that one. 541 00:29:55,311 --> 00:29:56,814 You negative? 542 00:29:57,314 --> 00:30:01,302 You? 543 00:30:05,257 --> 00:30:08,261 So, uh... 544 00:30:08,261 --> 00:30:10,264 what was yours like? 545 00:30:10,581 --> 00:30:13,601 Your first time? 546 00:30:13,601 --> 00:30:16,104 I saw him, I knew right away he was the one. 547 00:30:16,604 --> 00:30:19,108 - Were you scared? - Shitless! 548 00:30:20,609 --> 00:30:23,113 We went back to his place. I swear... 549 00:30:23,113 --> 00:30:26,116 I couldn't speak my heart was pounding so hard. 550 00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:30,121 I let him fuck me though. 551 00:30:30,121 --> 00:30:33,625 I still remember feeling him inside me... 552 00:30:33,625 --> 00:30:35,127 seeing his face when he came... 553 00:30:36,628 --> 00:30:38,130 wanting it to go on forever. 554 00:30:38,130 --> 00:30:39,632 I know what you mean. 555 00:30:40,133 --> 00:30:41,618 We need our coats. 556 00:30:41,618 --> 00:30:43,119 Fuck off! 557 00:30:46,624 --> 00:30:48,626 God, I hate these stupid parties. 558 00:30:48,626 --> 00:30:50,629 Ah, me too. 559 00:30:50,629 --> 00:30:52,130 I wouldn't have come, but if I didn't, 560 00:30:52,130 --> 00:30:55,134 my friend Daphne would never speak to me again. 561 00:30:55,134 --> 00:30:56,636 Well, I usually end up standing in the corner 562 00:30:56,636 --> 00:30:59,639 watching the dudes and babes and... 563 00:31:00,140 --> 00:31:04,144 thinking how I should have stayed home and watched MTV. 564 00:31:04,144 --> 00:31:06,648 Why don't you go to clubs and bars? 565 00:31:06,648 --> 00:31:10,154 You'd meet lots of guys there. 566 00:31:12,655 --> 00:31:15,157 I don't want to meet a lot of guys. 567 00:31:15,157 --> 00:31:17,661 I want to meet just one, 568 00:31:17,661 --> 00:31:20,664 that I can be with... 569 00:31:20,664 --> 00:31:23,668 just the two of us. 570 00:31:23,668 --> 00:31:24,652 Yeah! 571 00:31:24,652 --> 00:31:27,656 Things don't exactly work out that way. 572 00:31:27,656 --> 00:31:30,159 They can if you want them to. 573 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:32,662 Come on! 574 00:31:32,662 --> 00:31:36,169 I guess we better get dressed. 575 00:31:38,169 --> 00:31:40,171 Hurry up! 576 00:31:40,171 --> 00:31:43,077 Come back here. 577 00:31:46,077 --> 00:31:52,102 Come on. 578 00:31:54,038 --> 00:31:55,540 Mmm, I love... 579 00:31:55,540 --> 00:31:57,542 Burger Queen! 580 00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:00,045 But you know, for me... 581 00:32:00,045 --> 00:32:02,047 what makes it a royal treat 582 00:32:02,047 --> 00:32:03,549 is not the all-meat patty 583 00:32:03,549 --> 00:32:05,552 or the special bun. 584 00:32:06,052 --> 00:32:08,054 It's the pickles. 585 00:32:08,054 --> 00:32:09,056 I relish the compliment. 586 00:32:10,558 --> 00:32:13,561 And they're... they're... they are mine, you know. 587 00:32:13,561 --> 00:32:14,563 - Oh yeah? - Oh yeah. 588 00:32:14,563 --> 00:32:15,564 Oh. 589 00:32:15,564 --> 00:32:17,065 I'm a pickle-lover from way back. 590 00:32:17,065 --> 00:32:20,003 My great Aunt Lulah back in Hazelhurst, Mississippi, 591 00:32:20,003 --> 00:32:22,005 she used to make 'em. 592 00:32:22,005 --> 00:32:24,474 She had a vat right out there on her kitchen porch. 593 00:32:24,975 --> 00:32:27,428 I'd go over there every day after school, 594 00:32:27,928 --> 00:32:29,430 and we'd sit out back and... 595 00:32:29,430 --> 00:32:31,866 gab and suck on those big old things. 596 00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:34,302 Which was probably 597 00:32:34,302 --> 00:32:36,789 more significant to later stages of my psycho-sexual development 598 00:32:36,789 --> 00:32:38,291 than I care to go into. 599 00:32:42,296 --> 00:32:44,298 You had a really colourful family. 600 00:32:44,298 --> 00:32:46,251 I prefer to think of them as lunatics. 601 00:32:46,251 --> 00:32:49,220 Except for Aunt Lulah, 602 00:32:49,220 --> 00:32:51,724 who was supposed to be the crazy one. 603 00:32:51,724 --> 00:32:53,726 She was my only friend. 604 00:32:53,726 --> 00:32:55,728 The rest of them... 605 00:32:55,728 --> 00:32:56,730 wanted nothing to do with the... 606 00:32:57,213 --> 00:32:59,683 the local sissy boy. 607 00:32:59,683 --> 00:33:01,117 Must have been pretty lonely. 608 00:33:01,117 --> 00:33:03,554 Hmm. 609 00:33:03,554 --> 00:33:06,557 Didn't stop me from being who I wanted to be. 610 00:33:06,557 --> 00:33:07,559 Fuck 'em all! 611 00:33:07,559 --> 00:33:09,995 That was my motto. 612 00:33:09,995 --> 00:33:12,982 Still is. 613 00:33:13,483 --> 00:33:17,403 Well... I admire your courage. 614 00:33:17,403 --> 00:33:20,374 I wish I'd had it. 615 00:33:20,374 --> 00:33:23,361 Instead I chose to... live a lie, 616 00:33:23,361 --> 00:33:24,863 subjugating my freedom, 617 00:33:24,863 --> 00:33:28,366 my desires to the family fortune. 618 00:33:28,366 --> 00:33:30,369 I even allowed them to... 619 00:33:30,369 --> 00:33:32,873 marry me off to this meat-packing heiress 620 00:33:32,873 --> 00:33:35,810 so that we could make beautiful sandwiches together. 621 00:33:35,810 --> 00:33:38,313 Oh, it was a perfect merger... 622 00:33:38,313 --> 00:33:40,316 till one day about... 623 00:33:40,316 --> 00:33:43,319 five years ago, she came home and... 624 00:33:43,319 --> 00:33:44,821 caught me giving the gardener a blow job 625 00:33:44,821 --> 00:33:47,824 right there in the middle of her prizewinning rose garden. 626 00:33:47,824 --> 00:33:49,326 Why, George... 627 00:33:49,326 --> 00:33:51,329 you rake. 628 00:33:51,329 --> 00:33:53,331 French-fry? 629 00:33:53,331 --> 00:33:54,832 Well it wasn't... 630 00:33:54,832 --> 00:33:56,335 as if I were cheating on her. I mean, 631 00:33:56,335 --> 00:33:59,838 we hadn't had sex since 1972. 632 00:33:59,838 --> 00:34:03,327 But she, uh, sued me for millions. 633 00:34:04,327 --> 00:34:06,263 Turned the children against me. 634 00:34:06,263 --> 00:34:07,264 Needless to say, I... 635 00:34:07,748 --> 00:34:11,703 became a social pariah. 636 00:34:11,703 --> 00:34:12,704 At least you were... 637 00:34:12,704 --> 00:34:16,141 finally free to be yourself. 638 00:34:16,141 --> 00:34:19,645 Yeah, yeah, to be alone, friendless... 639 00:34:19,645 --> 00:34:23,152 and buying companionship over the internet. 640 00:34:25,152 --> 00:34:27,655 Well... 641 00:34:27,655 --> 00:34:30,592 fuck 'em all! 642 00:34:33,078 --> 00:34:35,080 Uh... oh, man. 643 00:34:38,068 --> 00:34:39,552 You are perfect. 644 00:34:39,552 --> 00:34:41,554 I know. 645 00:34:41,554 --> 00:34:43,557 But... I wasn't always. 646 00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:46,977 I used to weigh 350. I was bald. 647 00:34:46,977 --> 00:34:49,464 I had hideous, coarse body hair all over my back, 648 00:34:49,464 --> 00:34:51,900 - My shoulders, my stomach. - Really? 649 00:34:51,900 --> 00:34:54,837 Not to mention no chin. Huge honker, 650 00:34:54,837 --> 00:34:56,756 zero cheekbones. Definitely not a pretty sight. 651 00:34:56,756 --> 00:34:59,259 - But you look so... - It all started with liposuction. 652 00:34:59,259 --> 00:35:01,261 Then a series of operations to tighten my skin. 653 00:35:01,261 --> 00:35:03,263 Next, laser hair removal, 654 00:35:03,263 --> 00:35:04,766 everywhere except my pubes, 655 00:35:04,766 --> 00:35:06,267 - which, of course, I trim. - Of course. 656 00:35:06,267 --> 00:35:07,769 After that hair transplantation, 657 00:35:07,779 --> 00:35:09,772 scalp reduction, nose job, 658 00:35:10,272 --> 00:35:11,774 cheek and chin implants. 659 00:35:11,774 --> 00:35:12,775 That must have been expensive. 660 00:35:12,775 --> 00:35:14,277 Oh, a hundred thou, give or take. 661 00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:15,780 My folks have money. 662 00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:18,783 Now I work out with a trainer, Adolph, 663 00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:20,786 five hours a day, six days a week, 664 00:35:21,286 --> 00:35:23,288 it's brutal but, gotta maintain. 665 00:35:23,288 --> 00:35:26,292 And food combining, very important. 666 00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:27,794 You can eat proteins with vegetables 667 00:35:27,798 --> 00:35:29,262 or carbs with vegetables, 668 00:35:29,262 --> 00:35:30,765 but never, never, never... 669 00:35:30,765 --> 00:35:32,767 - proteins with carbs. - Got it. 670 00:35:32,767 --> 00:35:34,185 Supplements are essential. 671 00:35:34,185 --> 00:35:37,606 You want some Haagen-Daaz? 672 00:35:37,616 --> 00:35:41,009 Have you been listening? 673 00:35:41,009 --> 00:35:43,463 You know... 674 00:35:43,463 --> 00:35:46,432 you could use a little improving yourself... 675 00:35:46,432 --> 00:35:48,435 laser hair removal on your chest, 676 00:35:48,435 --> 00:35:50,938 pec implants. The bridge of your nose 677 00:35:50,938 --> 00:35:53,441 is definitely... it's too wide. 678 00:35:53,441 --> 00:35:55,910 And nothing personal but... 679 00:35:55,910 --> 00:35:58,898 you might want to consider a... a penile extension. 680 00:35:58,898 --> 00:36:01,856 Thanks for the tip. 681 00:36:22,258 --> 00:36:25,196 You're finally up. 682 00:36:25,196 --> 00:36:26,697 What time is it? 683 00:36:27,198 --> 00:36:29,201 It's time to take care of your morning hard-on, 684 00:36:29,201 --> 00:36:32,704 although it's after noon. 685 00:36:32,704 --> 00:36:35,708 Somebody got home late last night. 686 00:36:35,708 --> 00:36:38,711 2:58, just under the wire. 687 00:36:38,711 --> 00:36:42,716 Ol' Daphne must have had some kick-ass party. 688 00:36:42,716 --> 00:36:44,218 Mmm, yeah, it was all right. 689 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:47,722 My nose tells me it was better 690 00:36:47,722 --> 00:36:51,227 than all right. 691 00:36:51,227 --> 00:36:54,231 I smell a varsity lacrosse player. 692 00:36:54,231 --> 00:36:57,235 You're way off. 693 00:36:57,235 --> 00:36:59,237 Hold on. 694 00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:02,741 Hm, it's coming. 695 00:37:05,244 --> 00:37:08,748 A nice, tight computer nerd. 696 00:37:08,748 --> 00:37:10,750 You're getting warmer. 697 00:37:12,253 --> 00:37:13,254 A scent of innocence. 698 00:37:13,754 --> 00:37:16,257 A... a virgin. 699 00:37:16,758 --> 00:37:20,769 A lucky guess. 700 00:37:26,769 --> 00:37:33,778 You kissed him. 701 00:37:33,778 --> 00:37:36,657 I think I'll take a shower. 702 00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:45,659 The face was great. The body was great. 703 00:37:45,669 --> 00:37:47,160 The sex was great. 704 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,146 And then he started talking. 705 00:37:48,156 --> 00:37:49,080 So let me get this straight. 706 00:37:49,090 --> 00:37:50,581 You had sex on a date 707 00:37:50,581 --> 00:37:51,582 before you even had a conversation? 708 00:37:51,596 --> 00:37:53,017 You wouldn't understand. 709 00:37:53,017 --> 00:37:54,520 And why's that? 710 00:37:54,530 --> 00:37:57,022 Because sex is different for men than it is for women. 711 00:37:57,032 --> 00:37:59,109 The need is more immediate, more intense. 712 00:37:59,119 --> 00:38:00,443 At least that's what I've read. 713 00:38:00,443 --> 00:38:02,062 Where, in "Field and Stream"? 714 00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:05,036 Uh, just for your information, Linz and I fuck like crazy. 715 00:38:05,046 --> 00:38:07,868 We pant and drool like a couple of bitches in heat. 716 00:38:07,879 --> 00:38:09,371 Our pussies soak the sheets. 717 00:38:09,381 --> 00:38:11,006 And we go at it a lot longer 718 00:38:11,016 --> 00:38:12,463 than the 10-minute tumble you guys call sex. 719 00:38:12,474 --> 00:38:13,475 And you don't even wanna know 720 00:38:13,485 --> 00:38:14,766 how many times we get off in a night. 721 00:38:14,776 --> 00:38:15,695 You're right. I don't. 722 00:38:15,695 --> 00:38:17,196 - Hi, honey. - Mom... 723 00:38:17,663 --> 00:38:19,098 What's the matter? Did something scare you? 724 00:38:19,098 --> 00:38:20,600 Just us. 725 00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,086 I think Michael had a bad date. 726 00:38:23,086 --> 00:38:25,088 I told you to call Ida, for chrissakes. 727 00:38:25,088 --> 00:38:26,591 She's a fucking genius. 728 00:38:26,595 --> 00:38:28,559 I'll end up with a Jewish princess. 729 00:38:28,559 --> 00:38:30,561 You could end up with a lot worse. 730 00:38:43,929 --> 00:38:46,031 Geez, easy! 731 00:38:46,041 --> 00:38:47,433 You've got a lot on there. 732 00:38:47,447 --> 00:38:49,369 I feel slack. I need to tighten up. 733 00:38:49,369 --> 00:38:50,870 You have a 18 year-old at home. 734 00:38:50,881 --> 00:38:53,374 - What are you worried about? - Keeping him. 735 00:38:53,374 --> 00:38:55,376 It's a shame you can't enjoy your golden years without... 736 00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:57,762 worrying about every sag, every wrinkle. 737 00:38:57,762 --> 00:38:58,713 Ah, I guess that's what happens 738 00:38:58,724 --> 00:39:00,716 when you're dating someone so many... 739 00:39:00,726 --> 00:39:03,219 many years your junior. 740 00:39:03,219 --> 00:39:04,720 There's always that constant nagging fear 741 00:39:04,731 --> 00:39:06,222 he's gonna dump you for a... 742 00:39:06,222 --> 00:39:08,141 hotter, cuter, younger, 743 00:39:08,141 --> 00:39:09,626 Firmer... stud. 744 00:39:09,626 --> 00:39:12,045 Yeah, I don't envy you your youth. 745 00:39:12,045 --> 00:39:13,030 Well, you don't have to 746 00:39:13,030 --> 00:39:15,533 since you're dating someone who's 103. 747 00:39:15,533 --> 00:39:19,438 I'm not dating him. We shared a burger. 748 00:39:19,448 --> 00:39:21,940 He can have solids? 749 00:39:21,951 --> 00:39:24,944 You know, George may not be 29 750 00:39:24,944 --> 00:39:27,447 or have a perfect chin or a 30-inch waist, 751 00:39:27,447 --> 00:39:29,450 but he's a lot nicer than certain arrogant, 752 00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:32,953 contemptuous, self-deluded assholes that I know. 753 00:39:32,953 --> 00:39:34,455 Don't tell me you're gonna see him again. 754 00:39:34,466 --> 00:39:35,957 No, when we, uh... 755 00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:45,969 when we said good night, we, uh, also said goodbye. 756 00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:46,970 You think he actually liked him? 757 00:39:46,981 --> 00:39:49,973 Some guys are into prime, aged cock. 758 00:39:49,981 --> 00:39:52,343 Better hope Justin is. 759 00:39:53,778 --> 00:39:55,217 Oh God. 760 00:39:58,217 --> 00:39:59,218 So you're Michael. 761 00:39:59,218 --> 00:40:02,222 Oh, your mother just raves about you. 762 00:40:02,222 --> 00:40:04,224 You too. 763 00:40:04,224 --> 00:40:07,645 So, are you a P-Flag mom or... 764 00:40:07,645 --> 00:40:11,649 Actually I'm a P-Flag son. 765 00:40:11,649 --> 00:40:14,653 Have some bundt. 766 00:40:14,653 --> 00:40:16,155 Oh, relax. 767 00:40:16,155 --> 00:40:18,159 It's not like you gotta date me. 768 00:40:20,161 --> 00:40:23,081 Now, what are you looking for? 769 00:40:23,081 --> 00:40:25,083 Um, he should be tall, 770 00:40:25,083 --> 00:40:27,085 blue eyes, built like Superman. 771 00:40:27,085 --> 00:40:30,089 Well, we all know you boys want beauties. That's a given. 772 00:40:30,089 --> 00:40:31,541 You asked me what I wanted. 773 00:40:31,541 --> 00:40:33,494 I'm not talking about the outside. 774 00:40:33,495 --> 00:40:36,947 Michael sweetheart, what do you want on the inside? 775 00:40:36,957 --> 00:40:39,951 I... 776 00:40:39,951 --> 00:40:40,952 I don't know. 777 00:40:40,952 --> 00:40:41,886 Sure you do. 778 00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:44,890 Just close your eyes. 779 00:40:44,890 --> 00:40:46,892 Think. 780 00:40:46,899 --> 00:40:49,896 He's gotta be passionate about life. 781 00:40:49,896 --> 00:40:52,899 He's worked hard to survive it... 782 00:40:52,899 --> 00:40:56,404 Yet he's maintained his... humour. 783 00:40:56,404 --> 00:40:57,905 He's charming, kind. 784 00:40:57,905 --> 00:40:59,408 Uh-huh. 785 00:40:59,418 --> 00:41:02,411 He does something creative, maybe a writer. 786 00:41:02,421 --> 00:41:06,417 And he's into spiritual stuff, like Buddha. 787 00:41:06,927 --> 00:41:09,019 And he focuses on living in the now 788 00:41:09,019 --> 00:41:12,923 Because there's no time to waste. 789 00:41:12,923 --> 00:41:15,426 Oh... 790 00:41:15,427 --> 00:41:20,917 And when I'm with him, I feel like a better person. 791 00:41:25,922 --> 00:41:26,857 No. 792 00:41:26,867 --> 00:41:30,344 Here he is. 793 00:41:30,344 --> 00:41:33,348 The limelight, Liberty Avenue. 8:00 o'clock. 794 00:41:33,358 --> 00:41:36,802 Shouldn't I see a photograph? How will I know what he looks like? 795 00:41:36,802 --> 00:41:37,803 Oh, you don't need one. 796 00:41:37,803 --> 00:41:42,209 Trust me, you'll know. 797 00:41:42,209 --> 00:41:44,177 A new member. 798 00:41:51,102 --> 00:41:53,605 Honey... 799 00:41:53,605 --> 00:41:55,107 just start breathing 800 00:41:55,107 --> 00:41:57,042 And take a seat and I'll be right with you. 801 00:41:57,042 --> 00:42:00,547 Ah, actually, I'm looking for somebody. 802 00:42:00,547 --> 00:42:04,002 In this joint, who isn't. 803 00:42:04,002 --> 00:42:05,943 Justin. 804 00:42:10,943 --> 00:42:12,947 Friend of yours? 805 00:42:13,947 --> 00:42:15,449 Uh, do you mind if i take a break? 806 00:42:15,459 --> 00:42:18,885 Take all the time you need... 807 00:42:18,897 --> 00:42:22,281 as long as you're back in five minutes. 808 00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:24,794 What are you doing? 809 00:42:24,799 --> 00:42:27,296 I've been thinking about you since last night. 810 00:42:27,797 --> 00:42:29,783 I really missed you. 811 00:42:29,783 --> 00:42:30,784 You don't even know me. 812 00:42:30,784 --> 00:42:33,270 Sure I do. And, uh... 813 00:42:33,270 --> 00:42:35,273 you know me too. 814 00:42:35,774 --> 00:42:38,193 Look, I don't want you to come here again, okay? 815 00:42:38,693 --> 00:42:40,129 Why not? 816 00:42:40,129 --> 00:42:41,614 'Cause I said so. 817 00:42:41,614 --> 00:42:43,605 Yeah, but after what happened, 818 00:42:43,616 --> 00:42:45,117 - I thought that we could have this... - Nothing happened. 819 00:42:45,117 --> 00:42:48,038 We fucked, that's all. 820 00:42:48,038 --> 00:42:50,040 That's not all. 821 00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:51,042 I love you. 822 00:42:51,042 --> 00:42:52,543 You don't love me. 823 00:42:52,543 --> 00:42:54,545 And from the way you kissed me, I can tell 824 00:42:54,545 --> 00:42:58,050 - that we had this connect... - Do you know how pathetic you are? 825 00:42:58,050 --> 00:42:59,051 One lousy fuck. 826 00:42:59,501 --> 00:43:02,906 Now you're carrying on like some lovesick fairy. 827 00:43:02,906 --> 00:43:05,391 You've got a lot to learn. 828 00:43:05,391 --> 00:43:07,884 Fags will say anything to get their dicks sucked 829 00:43:07,895 --> 00:43:09,396 or fuck a nice ass. 830 00:43:09,897 --> 00:43:11,398 Then it's on to the next. 831 00:43:11,398 --> 00:43:13,835 I don't believe you. 832 00:43:13,835 --> 00:43:15,837 I know what I felt. 833 00:43:15,837 --> 00:43:18,324 Yeah well, I didn't feel anything. 834 00:43:18,324 --> 00:43:19,775 As far as I'm concerned, 835 00:43:19,775 --> 00:43:23,230 you're yesterday's fuck. 836 00:43:51,014 --> 00:43:55,071 Shouldn't you let the gardener do that? 837 00:43:56,471 --> 00:44:00,909 The gardener's good for some things. 838 00:44:01,376 --> 00:44:02,877 It's a new gardener. 839 00:44:05,314 --> 00:44:08,254 But these need special care. 840 00:44:10,254 --> 00:44:14,241 Who would think an ugly little thing like this 841 00:44:14,241 --> 00:44:16,744 could contain something so beautiful. 842 00:44:16,744 --> 00:44:19,213 I used to help my mother in the garden. 843 00:44:19,213 --> 00:44:21,717 Once I, uh, I planted a light bulb. 844 00:44:21,717 --> 00:44:24,719 Thought come spring there'd be a chandelier. 845 00:44:26,556 --> 00:44:28,541 Dumb, huh? 846 00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:30,043 Charming nevertheless. 847 00:44:30,043 --> 00:44:31,979 Oh, uh, to, um, 848 00:44:31,979 --> 00:44:33,481 to thank you for dinner, I, uh, 849 00:44:33,481 --> 00:44:36,085 I brought us some lunch. 850 00:44:36,985 --> 00:44:38,971 You really must love Burger Queen. 851 00:44:38,971 --> 00:44:41,323 I asked for extra pickles. 852 00:44:42,825 --> 00:44:45,882 That's very thoughtful of you, Fetch. 853 00:44:48,282 --> 00:44:53,204 Actually my... my real name isn't Fetch. 854 00:44:53,204 --> 00:44:56,195 It's, uh, it's Emmett. 855 00:44:59,195 --> 00:45:02,182 Nice to meet you, Emmett. 856 00:45:03,182 --> 00:45:05,185 Well. 857 00:45:05,185 --> 00:45:09,691 Um... 858 00:45:09,691 --> 00:45:14,697 Why not? Right here. 859 00:45:14,697 --> 00:45:18,133 Thank you. 860 00:45:28,563 --> 00:45:30,066 Disturbing question number one: 861 00:45:30,566 --> 00:45:32,068 How am I supposed to recognize my date 862 00:45:32,068 --> 00:45:33,569 when I've never seen him? 863 00:45:33,569 --> 00:45:35,072 Disturbing question number two: 864 00:45:35,072 --> 00:45:38,463 Why do I listen to my mother? 865 00:45:41,463 --> 00:45:44,966 Shit! Ben's here. 866 00:45:44,966 --> 00:45:46,969 This time I'm not hallucinating, it really is him. 867 00:45:47,470 --> 00:45:48,971 Disturbing question number three: 868 00:45:48,971 --> 00:45:51,975 How am I supposed to impress my date when... 869 00:45:51,975 --> 00:45:54,978 Oh fuck, Ben is my date. 870 00:45:54,978 --> 00:45:59,984 That meshuga yenta actually fixed me up with... 871 00:45:59,984 --> 00:46:01,486 Oh God, he's looking at me. 872 00:46:01,486 --> 00:46:04,994 What will I do? What will I do? 873 00:46:07,994 --> 00:46:09,496 Michael? 874 00:46:09,996 --> 00:46:10,997 Ben, what a surprise. 875 00:46:10,997 --> 00:46:13,000 Yeah, yeah, small world. 876 00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,002 Isn't it? Ida sure was right 877 00:46:15,002 --> 00:46:17,506 when she said I'd know who it was. 878 00:46:17,506 --> 00:46:19,508 Who? 879 00:46:20,008 --> 00:46:22,494 Ida. The matchmaker. 880 00:46:22,494 --> 00:46:24,497 My mother's gonna shit when she hears about this. 881 00:46:24,497 --> 00:46:27,450 Uh, about... about what? 882 00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:29,937 You and me. 883 00:46:29,937 --> 00:46:32,940 Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm, uh,... 884 00:46:33,390 --> 00:46:35,343 Aren't you here for a date? 885 00:46:35,844 --> 00:46:36,344 Yeah, yeah, I am, 886 00:46:36,845 --> 00:46:39,298 But, uh... hi. 887 00:46:39,298 --> 00:46:42,620 But not with you. 888 00:47:14,590 --> 00:47:19,100 So many men, so little body hair. 889 00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:24,102 See any you like? 890 00:47:24,102 --> 00:47:27,106 Him. 891 00:47:27,106 --> 00:47:30,075 I guess. 892 00:47:30,075 --> 00:47:32,529 You? 893 00:47:32,529 --> 00:47:34,030 Him. 894 00:47:34,030 --> 00:47:37,451 He's kind of young. 895 00:47:37,451 --> 00:47:41,389 Let's go for it. 896 00:47:41,389 --> 00:47:42,891 Or we could go home, 897 00:47:42,899 --> 00:47:44,491 just the two of us. 898 00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,491 What about the game? 899 00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:51,491 Fuck the game.