1 00:00:52,681 --> 00:00:53,615 975. 2 00:00:54,549 --> 00:00:56,500 980. 985. 3 00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:58,387 990. 4 00:00:59,821 --> 00:01:02,640 995. 997. 5 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,091 998. 6 00:01:04,091 --> 00:01:05,959 1,000! 7 00:01:08,296 --> 00:01:10,797 1,003! 8 00:01:10,797 --> 00:01:13,733 - Oh! Oh! - Yes sir! 9 00:01:17,237 --> 00:01:21,690 Over 1,000 self-satisfied customers. 10 00:01:22,191 --> 00:01:24,193 And we're out. 11 00:01:24,193 --> 00:01:26,695 Whoo! 12 00:01:27,179 --> 00:01:29,681 Oh. 13 00:01:30,181 --> 00:01:32,183 All right. 14 00:01:32,183 --> 00:01:34,185 You take ten, 15 00:01:34,685 --> 00:01:37,188 and then we will start... 16 00:01:37,188 --> 00:01:40,190 - round three. - Oh, no can do. 17 00:01:40,190 --> 00:01:42,693 Honey, my dick's down for the count. 18 00:01:42,693 --> 00:01:44,645 Hmmm. Listen now, 19 00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:46,146 there are a lot of fans out there 20 00:01:46,146 --> 00:01:48,115 who are wanting to see you go for the record. 21 00:01:48,115 --> 00:01:49,565 The record? 22 00:01:49,565 --> 00:01:53,069 Set by the legendary Peter Pounder. 23 00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:58,574 He once came 6 times in 45 minutes. 24 00:01:59,074 --> 00:02:01,526 6 times in 45 minutes? 25 00:02:01,526 --> 00:02:05,980 I haven't done that since I was 18. 26 00:02:05,980 --> 00:02:07,449 Well then, 27 00:02:07,949 --> 00:02:09,950 don't you worry your pretty little dick about it. 28 00:02:09,950 --> 00:02:13,921 Twice in 30 minutes is very... 29 00:02:13,921 --> 00:02:17,875 respectable. 30 00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:22,796 Respectable? 31 00:02:22,796 --> 00:02:25,281 Rev up the web cam, boys. 32 00:02:25,281 --> 00:02:27,283 We're going for the gold. 33 00:02:27,283 --> 00:02:28,734 Attaboy, champ. 34 00:02:32,739 --> 00:02:33,739 And we're live. 35 00:02:44,615 --> 00:02:46,117 I made you sausage and peppers, 36 00:02:46,117 --> 00:02:47,617 and I don't want to hear a goddamned word about it. 37 00:02:47,617 --> 00:02:49,119 Are you kidding me? 38 00:02:49,119 --> 00:02:51,122 If it wasn't for you, I'd probably starve to death. 39 00:02:51,122 --> 00:02:53,590 Well, as the mother of a future captain of industry, 40 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,091 I couldn't very well let that happen. 41 00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:57,043 Well, I don't want to burst your bubble, mom, but... 42 00:02:57,543 --> 00:03:00,046 I'm not exactly gonna become a gazillionaire selling comics. 43 00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:02,481 Everybody has to start somewhere, sweetheart, 44 00:03:02,481 --> 00:03:05,484 and you've started. That's what's important. 45 00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:07,952 I'm so proud of you, Michael. 46 00:03:07,952 --> 00:03:10,439 You've turned out to be quite a man. 47 00:03:10,439 --> 00:03:13,326 Chew your food. 48 00:03:15,827 --> 00:03:18,296 - Hey. - Hey. 49 00:03:18,796 --> 00:03:20,298 Uh... I was in the neighbourhood. 50 00:03:20,298 --> 00:03:23,768 Um, you left this at my place. 51 00:03:24,768 --> 00:03:26,759 His place? 52 00:03:26,770 --> 00:03:28,755 I didn't know you were getting laid. 53 00:03:28,755 --> 00:03:31,174 Good for you. 54 00:03:31,174 --> 00:03:32,608 - I'm his mother. - Yes. 55 00:03:33,109 --> 00:03:34,610 - I remember. - Oh. 56 00:03:34,610 --> 00:03:35,611 He remembers me. 57 00:03:35,611 --> 00:03:37,046 You're a little hard to forget. 58 00:03:37,546 --> 00:03:39,538 And for your information, I didn't get laid. 59 00:03:39,548 --> 00:03:43,451 Oh. Too bad. 60 00:03:43,451 --> 00:03:44,452 Well... 61 00:03:44,452 --> 00:03:47,322 I have to get back to the diner. 62 00:03:47,322 --> 00:03:50,759 It's nice seeing you again. 63 00:03:50,759 --> 00:03:51,759 Better luck this time. 64 00:03:51,759 --> 00:03:57,681 Bye. 65 00:03:59,666 --> 00:04:01,167 That is some kind of mother you got there. 66 00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:02,668 You don't know the half. 67 00:04:02,668 --> 00:04:04,671 Yeah. I'd like to. 68 00:04:04,671 --> 00:04:08,624 And, I'd like to know all there is to know about you. 69 00:04:08,624 --> 00:04:10,625 Stop, you're making me blush, which... 70 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,128 after growing up with her, you'd think would be impossible. 71 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:15,131 Yeah. I also wanted to see how you were... 72 00:04:15,131 --> 00:04:18,133 um, how you were doing after last night, 73 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:20,601 you know, uh, after my big announcement: 74 00:04:21,101 --> 00:04:23,104 "Hi there. My name's Ben. I'm 33. 75 00:04:23,104 --> 00:04:24,606 Pisces, love the outdoors, 76 00:04:24,606 --> 00:04:26,607 and I'm HIV positive." 77 00:04:26,607 --> 00:04:28,609 You know, it's, uh... 78 00:04:28,609 --> 00:04:29,610 I still haven't figured out a way to... 79 00:04:30,109 --> 00:04:33,047 drop that bomb gracefully. 80 00:04:33,047 --> 00:04:34,048 I hope I didn't seem too thrown. 81 00:04:34,048 --> 00:04:36,049 It's just the first time it's come up 82 00:04:36,049 --> 00:04:38,001 with someone that I've been interested in. 83 00:04:38,485 --> 00:04:43,923 Interested as in... as in still interested? 84 00:04:43,923 --> 00:04:46,425 Okay, well that's good. 85 00:04:46,425 --> 00:04:49,394 Some guys, you tell them, they run for the door. 86 00:04:49,394 --> 00:04:51,386 So you're not... you're not freaked out. 87 00:04:51,397 --> 00:04:53,849 Please. Right after my mother told me I was gay, 88 00:04:53,849 --> 00:04:55,850 she gave me this big safe sex lecture. 89 00:04:55,850 --> 00:04:57,852 I... I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber 90 00:04:57,852 --> 00:04:59,853 before I knew how to drive. 91 00:04:59,853 --> 00:05:01,856 Yeah, well... yeah, I... 92 00:05:01,856 --> 00:05:04,858 I was gonna ask you out tonight, but... 93 00:05:04,858 --> 00:05:06,860 now I'm not so sure. 94 00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:08,795 - Why not? - Well... 95 00:05:08,795 --> 00:05:12,215 Michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to. 96 00:05:16,002 --> 00:05:18,304 What do you say, doc? She gonna live? 97 00:05:18,314 --> 00:05:21,040 You got grief in the gearbox, baby, 98 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,441 Just like my love life. 99 00:05:22,942 --> 00:05:24,442 So how much are we looking at? 100 00:05:24,442 --> 00:05:25,944 Ooh, it ain't gonna be cheap. 101 00:05:25,944 --> 00:05:27,946 Ah, shit! 102 00:05:27,946 --> 00:05:29,380 Language. 103 00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:30,882 You want to turn our Gus into a trashmouth? 104 00:05:30,882 --> 00:05:32,367 Like mommy, like son. 105 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,767 - Leda says we're looking at some major repairs. - Oh, no! 106 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,275 Just when we almost have enough saved for the wedding. 107 00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,277 Guess we'll just have to cut a few corners, 108 00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,778 like printing up our own invitations on the computer. 109 00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:47,714 I am not having some tacky announcements. 110 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,715 Fine. We can walk to the ceremony. 111 00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:52,168 - There must be some other way. - Forget my mom. 112 00:05:52,168 --> 00:05:56,639 The early-bird special was hatched in her honour. 113 00:05:56,639 --> 00:05:58,139 What about your folks? 114 00:05:58,139 --> 00:06:00,141 - Huh! - What, "huh"? 115 00:06:00,141 --> 00:06:02,577 Honey, you're a dyke, you're marrying a Jew, 116 00:06:02,577 --> 00:06:04,578 and you're a registered democrat. Need I say more? 117 00:06:05,062 --> 00:06:06,565 I'll bring it up at dinner tonight. 118 00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:07,566 I thought you didn't want to go. 119 00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,501 Now we have a reason to. 120 00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:12,002 I don't want you begging them for money. 121 00:06:12,002 --> 00:06:13,002 I'm not begging. 122 00:06:13,013 --> 00:06:14,504 They paid for all three of my sister's weddings. 123 00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:16,006 They can fucking well chip in for ours. 124 00:06:16,006 --> 00:06:19,909 - Language. - Language. 125 00:06:19,909 --> 00:06:21,878 So anyone up for Babylon tonight? 126 00:06:21,878 --> 00:06:24,380 I can't. I got... I gotta do inventory. 127 00:06:24,881 --> 00:06:26,883 I thought inventory was the last week of the month. 128 00:06:27,382 --> 00:06:29,384 It is when you have a business that's on its feet, but you know, 129 00:06:29,384 --> 00:06:30,886 - when you're just starting out... - All right, 130 00:06:31,386 --> 00:06:32,386 so, who is he? Who is he? 131 00:06:32,887 --> 00:06:33,889 - Who is he? Who is he? - Nobody. Ow! 132 00:06:33,889 --> 00:06:35,390 I bet it's that teacher. 133 00:06:37,391 --> 00:06:38,392 He... he's a professor, 134 00:06:38,392 --> 00:06:39,894 Not a teacher. 135 00:06:39,894 --> 00:06:41,395 The professor. 136 00:06:41,395 --> 00:06:44,398 So, what does that make you, Mary Ann or Ginger? 137 00:06:44,398 --> 00:06:46,367 - So when do we get to meet him? - Never! 138 00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:47,867 Why? Is something wrong with him? 139 00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:49,369 Something wrong with you. 140 00:06:49,369 --> 00:06:51,354 I would like this one to live, 141 00:06:51,354 --> 00:06:52,856 before my best friends devour him. 142 00:06:52,856 --> 00:06:56,775 Hey, you're Fetch Dixon, aren't you? 143 00:06:56,775 --> 00:06:59,778 Uh, yes. Yeah. Yes, uh, yes I am. 144 00:06:59,778 --> 00:07:01,280 I'm a... I'm a huge fan. 145 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,715 Not as huge as you, but... 146 00:07:04,683 --> 00:07:08,186 Why, thank you. That... that... that's so nice. 147 00:07:08,186 --> 00:07:10,188 Could I... see it? 148 00:07:10,188 --> 00:07:11,689 You know, just... for a second? 149 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:12,640 Show him. 150 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,142 All right... no, no, no, no. 151 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,643 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 152 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:17,644 Look, if you want to sample the merchandise, 153 00:07:17,644 --> 00:07:20,147 you have to sign on to jerkatwork.net. 154 00:07:20,147 --> 00:07:23,116 Sorry. 155 00:07:23,116 --> 00:07:26,118 That's the third time today. 156 00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:28,120 Well, you better get used to it. 157 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,121 Emmett's a star. 158 00:07:29,121 --> 00:07:31,624 His dick's a star. 159 00:07:31,624 --> 00:07:33,125 He's just the life support system. 160 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:34,560 Careful, he'll get a swelled head. 161 00:07:35,061 --> 00:07:36,978 Hey, save it for the website. 162 00:07:37,462 --> 00:07:39,465 Will you all just stop? 163 00:07:39,465 --> 00:07:41,466 I'm not a star. 164 00:07:41,466 --> 00:07:43,468 I'm still little old me, 165 00:07:43,468 --> 00:07:45,470 You know, plain old country boy from Mississippi, 166 00:07:45,470 --> 00:07:47,471 giving my friend Teddy a helping hand. 167 00:07:51,959 --> 00:07:53,894 And the way Lynnette's been hinting, 168 00:07:53,894 --> 00:07:56,379 I think I might be a grandmother soon. 169 00:07:56,379 --> 00:07:58,882 You already are... 170 00:07:58,882 --> 00:08:00,383 in case you've forgotten. 171 00:08:00,383 --> 00:08:04,687 I know, dear. 172 00:08:05,187 --> 00:08:08,174 There you are. Mm, thank you. 173 00:08:08,174 --> 00:08:10,175 Uh, Mrs. Petersen, 174 00:08:10,175 --> 00:08:11,677 that necklace is so lovely. 175 00:08:11,677 --> 00:08:13,178 Is that red coral from Bali? 176 00:08:13,178 --> 00:08:15,112 Why yes. Have you been? 177 00:08:15,613 --> 00:08:16,615 No. No, actually, 178 00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:19,534 my Aunt Dotty owns a jewelry store. 179 00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:22,036 Lynnette bought it for me on one of her honeymoons. 180 00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:24,038 Don't ask which. 181 00:08:24,038 --> 00:08:26,040 We decided to skip our honeymoon for now, 182 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,993 you know, considering all the expenses? 183 00:08:28,993 --> 00:08:30,493 We're out of rolls. 184 00:08:30,493 --> 00:08:31,494 Can we get some rolls here, please? 185 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,913 We should have tried Chez Denis 186 00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:35,382 over on the river. 187 00:08:35,865 --> 00:08:37,867 Duncan took Lynnette there on saturday. 188 00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,368 Had a lovely meal. 189 00:08:39,368 --> 00:08:41,854 We're thinking of having them cater our reception. 190 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,338 Aren't they expensive? 191 00:08:43,338 --> 00:08:45,340 Well, no more than the one Lynnette used... 192 00:08:45,340 --> 00:08:46,775 all three times. 193 00:08:46,775 --> 00:08:50,211 You got to admit, she's consistent. 194 00:08:50,211 --> 00:08:51,662 And besides, getting married these days 195 00:08:51,662 --> 00:08:58,553 is an expensive proposition, no matter what you do. 196 00:08:58,553 --> 00:09:01,555 That's why we were hoping that... 197 00:09:01,555 --> 00:09:03,006 you might be able to help us out a little. 198 00:09:03,006 --> 00:09:05,992 If you see the waiter, could you ask him for some butter? 199 00:09:05,992 --> 00:09:07,994 I mean, we're handling it all by ourselves, but... 200 00:09:07,994 --> 00:09:09,495 we could use some assistance, 201 00:09:09,495 --> 00:09:12,916 no matter how small. 202 00:09:12,916 --> 00:09:14,417 Anything would be helpful. 203 00:09:14,417 --> 00:09:15,367 Honey... 204 00:09:15,818 --> 00:09:17,286 You helped lynnette with her wedding. 205 00:09:17,286 --> 00:09:19,237 That's different. 206 00:09:19,237 --> 00:09:21,723 Why is it different? 207 00:09:21,723 --> 00:09:26,694 Because her wedding was real. 208 00:09:26,694 --> 00:09:30,597 Yours is... 209 00:09:30,597 --> 00:09:37,438 well, I don't know what yours is. 210 00:09:37,438 --> 00:09:38,938 How's your steak, dear? 211 00:09:38,938 --> 00:09:43,943 Just great. 212 00:09:45,394 --> 00:09:47,896 It's been a long time since I made out in the park. 213 00:09:48,396 --> 00:09:50,399 Well, stick with me and maybe you'll get lucky. 214 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,884 Ah, really? 215 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,352 I finished your book. 216 00:09:54,352 --> 00:09:56,321 Oh yeah? "So how... how'd you like it," 217 00:09:56,321 --> 00:10:00,258 the insecure writer asked, trying desperately to sound nonchalant. 218 00:10:00,759 --> 00:10:02,726 I didn't. 219 00:10:02,726 --> 00:10:04,178 I loved it. 220 00:10:04,178 --> 00:10:06,680 You... 221 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,673 especially that part where the customs officials in Thailand 222 00:10:09,683 --> 00:10:13,019 - confiscated your HIV meds. - Oh, yeah. 223 00:10:13,019 --> 00:10:15,522 That was one of the worst days of my life. 224 00:10:15,522 --> 00:10:18,525 But, as they say, out of adversity, 225 00:10:18,525 --> 00:10:21,027 you know, comes knowledge, and... 226 00:10:21,027 --> 00:10:23,529 I've learned to put my fears aside, and just... 227 00:10:23,529 --> 00:10:26,031 find serenity in the chaos. 228 00:10:26,532 --> 00:10:28,033 I wish I could do that. 229 00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:29,535 I do just the opposite. 230 00:10:29,535 --> 00:10:31,036 I could find chaos in serenity 231 00:10:31,036 --> 00:10:33,538 with my eyes closed. 232 00:10:33,538 --> 00:10:36,541 I think that the secret is to stop regretting the past 233 00:10:37,041 --> 00:10:39,043 and fearing the future, 234 00:10:39,043 --> 00:10:43,029 and... just live in the now. 235 00:10:43,029 --> 00:10:44,998 Sounds like something my mom would say. 236 00:10:44,998 --> 00:10:47,501 She always says, "If you've got one foot in tomorrow 237 00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:50,003 and one foot in yesterday, you'll piss on today." 238 00:10:50,003 --> 00:10:52,454 Actually she says "shit" 239 00:10:52,454 --> 00:10:54,940 but I want... I wanted to clean it up a little. 240 00:10:55,375 --> 00:10:57,743 Yeah, actually, your mom and Buddha have a lot in common. 241 00:10:57,743 --> 00:10:59,945 What, Jenny Craig dropouts? 242 00:11:00,396 --> 00:11:02,180 No. No, um... 243 00:11:02,614 --> 00:11:03,932 he teaches you to... 244 00:11:04,349 --> 00:11:07,101 focus on the smallest details. 245 00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:11,054 You know, the... breeze against your cheek... 246 00:11:11,054 --> 00:11:14,993 the way your shirt falls against your body... 247 00:11:14,993 --> 00:11:18,495 the feel of someone's hand on your back... 248 00:11:18,495 --> 00:11:20,997 helps you realize that... 249 00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:23,500 right now, this moment is... 250 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:27,420 it's all there is. 251 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:30,405 Well, if that's true, then... 252 00:11:30,405 --> 00:11:33,342 we should probably take advantage of it. 253 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:35,734 Yeah. 254 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:51,742 Come on. 255 00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:54,245 Where are we going? 256 00:11:54,245 --> 00:11:55,745 To experience the now. 257 00:12:12,711 --> 00:12:14,712 Yeah, I've just... I've got an eye for this kind of thing 258 00:12:14,712 --> 00:12:17,215 and I can tell you've got talent... 259 00:12:17,215 --> 00:12:20,218 big, big talent, so... 260 00:12:20,218 --> 00:12:23,221 If you ever want to earn some extra cash, 261 00:12:23,221 --> 00:12:25,722 in your spare time, just, uh... 262 00:12:25,722 --> 00:12:26,723 gimme a call. 263 00:12:26,723 --> 00:12:28,225 We'll set up an audition. 264 00:12:28,726 --> 00:12:29,726 Okay. Good. 265 00:12:29,726 --> 00:12:33,730 - Thanks, man. - Thanks. 266 00:12:33,730 --> 00:12:36,232 Hey, porn king, 267 00:12:36,232 --> 00:12:39,218 why don't you introduce me to some of your new friends? 268 00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:42,721 Any time, Brian. 269 00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,222 Is that a Rolex? 270 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,658 You bet it is. 271 00:12:46,658 --> 00:12:49,160 All those years, seeing those wealthy clients come in 272 00:12:49,171 --> 00:12:51,652 with their big cars and their fancy jewelry, 273 00:12:51,663 --> 00:12:53,614 and there I was, this dumb jerk in a cubicle, 274 00:12:53,614 --> 00:12:56,083 hunched over a computer making them rich. 275 00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:57,585 Now it's my turn. 276 00:12:57,585 --> 00:12:58,568 Hey, there's Fetch. 277 00:12:58,568 --> 00:13:02,055 - Hey, hon. - You're so hot, Fetch. 278 00:13:02,055 --> 00:13:03,556 - Oooh. Okay. - Hi, Fetch. 279 00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:05,057 All right. Easy. 280 00:13:05,558 --> 00:13:06,560 - Hey, Fetch. - Boys, there's... there's... 281 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,060 there's more than enough of me to go around for everyone. 282 00:13:08,561 --> 00:13:09,562 Hi. 283 00:13:12,981 --> 00:13:14,983 Ultimately it's all so empty. 284 00:13:14,983 --> 00:13:20,191 You know, at the end of the night, you still go home alone. 285 00:13:24,191 --> 00:13:26,194 But not tonight. 286 00:13:26,194 --> 00:13:27,695 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. 287 00:13:27,695 --> 00:13:29,196 What do you think you're doing? 288 00:13:29,196 --> 00:13:31,998 - You have a matinee tomorrow. - So? 289 00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:34,152 So you need to conserve your strength. 290 00:13:35,152 --> 00:13:38,104 And no more drinking and eating peanuts. 291 00:13:38,104 --> 00:13:40,106 You'll gain weight. Now... 292 00:13:40,106 --> 00:13:42,108 Go home. Get some sleep. 293 00:13:42,607 --> 00:13:47,496 That's an order. 294 00:13:47,963 --> 00:13:49,965 Hi. How's it going? 295 00:13:49,965 --> 00:13:51,966 I'm Ted Schmidt. 296 00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:54,970 I own jerkatwork.net. 297 00:13:55,470 --> 00:13:56,471 I've got an eye for this kind of thing 298 00:13:56,971 --> 00:13:58,472 and I can tell you've got big... 299 00:13:58,472 --> 00:14:00,474 So Mr. Producer gets to go home with the hottie, 300 00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:03,978 and the poor little star has to go home alone? 301 00:14:04,478 --> 00:14:05,479 Well, he... 302 00:14:05,479 --> 00:14:06,480 He's right. I... 303 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,982 I need to conserve my strength. 304 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,437 Well, let me see your wrist. 305 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,939 That's a stunning watch you're wearing. 306 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,942 I'm not wearing a watch. 307 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,445 Wow, Emmett, you're really observant. 308 00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:26,383 He's got a Rolex. 309 00:14:28,383 --> 00:14:31,886 And you better hurry home. 310 00:14:31,886 --> 00:14:35,840 A star needs his beauty rest. 311 00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,226 I thought when you said you wanted to experience the now, 312 00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:53,689 - you meant something spiritual. - I did. 313 00:14:53,689 --> 00:14:55,690 This tribe I visited in New Guinea 314 00:14:55,690 --> 00:14:57,692 would dance until they collapsed. 315 00:14:57,692 --> 00:15:00,695 It's how they freed themselves from their bodies, from time. 316 00:15:01,196 --> 00:15:02,197 Looked just like this, 317 00:15:02,197 --> 00:15:03,698 except for the light show, 318 00:15:04,199 --> 00:15:06,633 but, uh, then they had shooting stars. 319 00:15:29,771 --> 00:15:32,710 There's Michael with some hottie. 320 00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:38,047 Hey, Michael. 321 00:15:39,047 --> 00:15:40,981 Over here. 322 00:15:41,932 --> 00:15:43,851 We've been spotted. 323 00:15:43,851 --> 00:15:45,803 I should warn you, my friends can be a little... 324 00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:46,754 What? Judgmental? 325 00:15:46,754 --> 00:15:49,255 Uh, vicious? Condescending? 326 00:15:49,255 --> 00:15:52,130 So you've met them? 327 00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,631 Ben, this is... 328 00:15:58,631 --> 00:16:01,633 Ted, Justin and Brian. 329 00:16:02,117 --> 00:16:03,068 Nice to meet you. 330 00:16:03,068 --> 00:16:05,037 Thought you were taking inventory. 331 00:16:05,037 --> 00:16:06,038 I was. 332 00:16:06,522 --> 00:16:08,973 You look awfully familiar. Uh, did you go to Penn? 333 00:16:08,973 --> 00:16:10,925 Uh, Yale undergrad, 334 00:16:10,925 --> 00:16:13,828 Uh, then Iowa for the Creative Writing programme. 335 00:16:13,828 --> 00:16:15,813 Ben wrote a book called "R-U-1-2". 336 00:16:15,813 --> 00:16:18,316 Yeah, that's where I recognized you from. 337 00:16:18,316 --> 00:16:20,317 I saw your interview in "The Advocate". 338 00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:21,818 I ran right out and bought it. 339 00:16:21,818 --> 00:16:23,237 Oh, really? So you were the one. 340 00:16:24,721 --> 00:16:26,690 Come on. It was... You got great reviews. 341 00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:28,691 I mean, it was so honest, so... 342 00:16:28,691 --> 00:16:31,661 forthright. It was so, uh... 343 00:16:31,661 --> 00:16:33,612 So revealing. 344 00:16:33,612 --> 00:16:35,614 Yeah, well that's... that's what writers do, you know. 345 00:16:35,614 --> 00:16:37,082 We just, uh, cut ourselves open and... 346 00:16:37,082 --> 00:16:40,084 and bleed all over the page. 347 00:16:40,084 --> 00:16:42,021 I thought you wanted to dance. 348 00:16:42,021 --> 00:16:47,958 See you, guys. 349 00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,395 He's really hot. 350 00:16:50,395 --> 00:16:51,813 He's all right. 351 00:16:51,813 --> 00:16:53,814 Looks, brains. 352 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,816 He's a nice guy too. 353 00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:58,818 I'd say he's perfect except for one thing. 354 00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,820 He's positive. 355 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,681 I got you a croissant. 356 00:17:13,181 --> 00:17:14,182 I don't want a croissant. 357 00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:15,684 You love croissants. 358 00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:19,154 I said I don't want one, okay? So drop it. 359 00:17:20,121 --> 00:17:22,573 I didn't mean literally. 360 00:17:22,573 --> 00:17:25,476 I wish you'd drop it too, this charming mood. 361 00:17:25,476 --> 00:17:26,976 I can't help it. 362 00:17:26,976 --> 00:17:29,980 Oh, I should never have asked them. 363 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:31,948 So you did. They said no. 364 00:17:31,948 --> 00:17:33,950 Now it's over. 365 00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:36,452 Come on. Let's go look at wedding cakes. 366 00:17:36,452 --> 00:17:38,388 What for? We can't afford one. 367 00:17:38,388 --> 00:17:41,341 Maybe if we're careful, we can save up enough for a ding dong. 368 00:17:41,341 --> 00:17:43,775 Look, we'll find the money to pay for it. 369 00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:47,279 It's not about the money. 370 00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:51,766 - It's about... - Love? 371 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,718 You want them to show you the same attention 372 00:17:53,718 --> 00:17:58,656 they show Lynnette. 373 00:17:58,656 --> 00:18:02,125 Maybe we have to put forth more of an effort. 374 00:18:02,609 --> 00:18:04,611 We've never really asked them over to... 375 00:18:04,611 --> 00:18:09,115 see how we live, meet our friends... 376 00:18:09,616 --> 00:18:13,052 which makes us just a guilty as they are. 377 00:18:13,052 --> 00:18:15,555 So, what do we do? 378 00:18:15,555 --> 00:18:18,557 Invite them over. Throw a little party. 379 00:18:18,557 --> 00:18:21,009 You're serious. 380 00:18:21,009 --> 00:18:24,513 If they could see that we're a real family 381 00:18:24,524 --> 00:18:27,915 with a real life just like your sister, 382 00:18:27,949 --> 00:18:31,301 they might feel differently. 383 00:18:31,301 --> 00:18:35,739 Hey, it's at least worth a shot. 384 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,181 Come on. 385 00:18:45,181 --> 00:18:46,182 May I show you something? 386 00:18:46,682 --> 00:18:48,184 Yeah. We'd like to look at wedding cakes. 387 00:18:48,184 --> 00:18:49,685 Oh, lovely. They're... 388 00:18:49,685 --> 00:18:51,136 "I'm positive." 389 00:18:51,136 --> 00:18:52,622 It was the first thing out of his mouth. 390 00:18:52,622 --> 00:18:53,573 After your dick. 391 00:18:54,073 --> 00:18:55,490 It's commendable that he told you, 392 00:18:55,490 --> 00:18:56,481 but it still doesn't change the fact 393 00:18:56,492 --> 00:18:58,927 that you're playing with fire. 394 00:18:58,927 --> 00:19:00,928 I mean, what happens if a condom breaks, 395 00:19:00,928 --> 00:19:02,931 or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed. 396 00:19:02,931 --> 00:19:03,865 Or if he shoots his load 397 00:19:03,865 --> 00:19:05,366 and you're bending over to tie your shoe 398 00:19:05,366 --> 00:19:07,368 and it accidentally flies up your ass. 399 00:19:07,368 --> 00:19:08,869 Jesus Christ, Brian, 400 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,821 do you have to make a fucking joke out of everything? 401 00:19:10,821 --> 00:19:12,323 Even your best friend's safety? 402 00:19:12,323 --> 00:19:13,257 I know how to be safe. 403 00:19:13,757 --> 00:19:15,258 No, you think you do. 404 00:19:15,258 --> 00:19:17,243 We all do. 405 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,244 It's more than just being careful. 406 00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:20,747 It's knowing that you're living with death, 407 00:19:20,747 --> 00:19:23,249 knowing that Ben has something inside him that could kill him, 408 00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:26,184 and if you have just one little fuck up, 409 00:19:26,184 --> 00:19:29,187 one moment of forgetfulness, just one mistake, 410 00:19:29,187 --> 00:19:32,658 it could kill you too. 411 00:19:32,658 --> 00:19:34,609 I think you're being a little dramatic, Teddy. 412 00:19:34,609 --> 00:19:36,093 There are plenty of guys 413 00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:37,595 who have boyfriends who are positive. 414 00:19:37,595 --> 00:19:40,081 Well, those people aren't Michael. 415 00:19:40,581 --> 00:19:42,072 And you weren't so fucking nonchalant 416 00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:43,534 when you thought you might have been infected. 417 00:19:44,034 --> 00:19:45,518 Look, I appreciate your concern, 418 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,454 but you're talking about Ben like he's a disease 419 00:19:47,955 --> 00:19:50,407 and not a person. 420 00:19:50,407 --> 00:19:52,409 And if you were seeing someone that you cared about 421 00:19:52,409 --> 00:19:54,843 who was positive, I think you'd feel differently. 422 00:19:54,843 --> 00:19:56,845 No, I'm sorry. I... I know it's not politically correct 423 00:19:56,845 --> 00:19:58,347 or even nice, but no, I wouldn't do it 424 00:19:58,847 --> 00:20:00,316 no matter how much I liked the guy. 425 00:20:00,316 --> 00:20:01,767 Wouldn't do what, honey? 426 00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:04,219 Date someone who's positive. 427 00:20:05,219 --> 00:20:08,206 Well that's a hell of an attitude. 428 00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:10,441 And I've gotta say I'm kinda surprised hearing it from one of you, 429 00:20:10,441 --> 00:20:11,959 considering all the guys you fuck. 430 00:20:12,027 --> 00:20:14,851 Yeah, numbers may vary from person to person. 431 00:20:14,861 --> 00:20:17,365 I mean, one of you could be positive. 432 00:20:17,365 --> 00:20:21,868 The reason you're not certainly isn't because you're always careful. 433 00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:24,754 I know goddamn well that isn't true. 434 00:20:24,754 --> 00:20:26,723 You're lucky. 435 00:20:27,174 --> 00:20:30,092 You're fucking lucky. 436 00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:31,560 So don't tell me you couldn't love somebody 437 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:35,564 just because they're not as fortunate as you are. 438 00:20:35,564 --> 00:20:37,565 It's all the more reason to, if you ask me. 439 00:20:37,565 --> 00:20:38,500 Thank you, mother. 440 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,386 What for, honey? 441 00:20:41,386 --> 00:20:44,278 Ben's positive. 442 00:20:52,278 --> 00:20:53,781 So, can I get you guys anything else? 443 00:20:54,281 --> 00:20:56,753 Thanks. 444 00:21:00,753 --> 00:21:03,756 You're on in five minutes. Where have you been? 445 00:21:03,756 --> 00:21:05,258 Oh, um... 446 00:21:05,268 --> 00:21:06,759 preparing... 447 00:21:06,769 --> 00:21:08,760 a list. 448 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,763 Well, you can do your grocery shopping later, okay? 449 00:21:11,763 --> 00:21:14,716 It's, uh, it's not that kind of list. 450 00:21:21,223 --> 00:21:23,224 "Private dressing room with toilet, 451 00:21:23,724 --> 00:21:25,226 rotating bed, 452 00:21:25,226 --> 00:21:27,227 10% of gross profit". What the fuck is this? 453 00:21:27,711 --> 00:21:30,180 Uh, they're... they're called artist's demands. 454 00:21:30,180 --> 00:21:32,582 "Lube"? What's wrong with the lube? 455 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:34,050 That grease is so cheap, 456 00:21:34,050 --> 00:21:35,552 you could fry chicken in it. 457 00:21:35,552 --> 00:21:37,986 This is a joke, right? 458 00:21:37,986 --> 00:21:39,989 If it is, I fail to see the humour. 459 00:21:39,989 --> 00:21:42,941 Oh, um, don't, uh, don't forget that one. 460 00:21:42,941 --> 00:21:45,377 Kind of my favourite. 461 00:21:45,877 --> 00:21:47,378 Your name over the bed. 462 00:21:47,862 --> 00:21:50,365 Well, I... am the star. 463 00:21:50,365 --> 00:21:51,799 The star gets top billing. 464 00:21:51,799 --> 00:21:54,736 I was thinking of using just "Fetch". 465 00:21:54,736 --> 00:21:56,236 You know, like Cher. 466 00:21:56,737 --> 00:21:58,238 All, uh, all done up, twinkly lights, 467 00:21:58,706 --> 00:22:00,174 so, uh, so my friends can see it 468 00:22:00,174 --> 00:22:01,174 when you pull back for a long shot. 469 00:22:01,174 --> 00:22:03,677 Well, excuse me, Cher, but, uh, 470 00:22:03,677 --> 00:22:06,679 there's only one long shot your fans are interested in, 471 00:22:06,679 --> 00:22:07,680 so come on. 472 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,649 Less yak and more jack. 473 00:22:09,649 --> 00:22:12,084 What about my demands? 474 00:22:12,084 --> 00:22:14,471 You mean these? 475 00:22:16,471 --> 00:22:18,974 Look... 476 00:22:18,974 --> 00:22:21,476 Emmett... 477 00:22:21,976 --> 00:22:23,478 If it weren't for me, 478 00:22:23,478 --> 00:22:25,979 you'd still be moonlighting as a naked maid, 479 00:22:25,979 --> 00:22:28,483 "Buffing in the buff" trying to pick up a few extra bucks, okay? 480 00:22:28,483 --> 00:22:30,918 Yeah, and, uh, and if it weren't for me, 481 00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:32,920 you'd still be a pencil-pusher 482 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,871 pulling your pud. 483 00:22:34,871 --> 00:22:36,373 Oh, so I owe all this to you? 484 00:22:36,373 --> 00:22:39,842 Difficult question. Let me think. 485 00:22:39,842 --> 00:22:41,794 Yes. 486 00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,297 I can replace you whenever I want. 487 00:22:44,297 --> 00:22:47,250 Then we'll see how quickly your fans forget. 488 00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:48,251 - Really? - Really. 489 00:22:48,251 --> 00:22:50,102 Dicks like you... 490 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:53,007 dime a dozen. 491 00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:57,509 Well, I tell you what. 492 00:22:57,509 --> 00:23:00,511 You find some twinky with a dinky, 493 00:23:00,511 --> 00:23:02,513 and see how far you get. 494 00:23:02,513 --> 00:23:04,465 Oh, and when you do, 495 00:23:04,465 --> 00:23:06,934 give him this. 496 00:23:06,934 --> 00:23:09,891 He's going to need it. 497 00:23:15,391 --> 00:23:16,893 Last time I saw you cleaning the tchotckes 498 00:23:17,393 --> 00:23:20,395 was when Michael moved away with David. 499 00:23:20,395 --> 00:23:23,399 I'm just sick of seeing this place like a goddamned pigsty. 500 00:23:23,899 --> 00:23:25,903 That's all. 501 00:23:28,403 --> 00:23:30,404 Would you stop windexing for half a second 502 00:23:30,404 --> 00:23:32,908 and talk to me? 503 00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:35,409 I can't. 504 00:23:35,409 --> 00:23:38,912 Why not? 505 00:23:38,912 --> 00:23:43,416 It's personal. 506 00:23:43,416 --> 00:23:46,419 What could be personal after you've wiped my ass? 507 00:23:46,419 --> 00:23:49,925 You haven't wiped mine. 508 00:23:52,425 --> 00:23:54,760 - You've already cleaned that clown... - Leave me alone! 509 00:23:55,211 --> 00:23:56,212 Shit! 510 00:23:56,212 --> 00:23:59,684 Now look what you've done. 511 00:24:04,185 --> 00:24:06,688 I'm sorry. 512 00:24:06,688 --> 00:24:09,990 - Sis. Sis... - Get away. 513 00:24:27,990 --> 00:24:30,993 This new guy... 514 00:24:30,993 --> 00:24:34,496 that Michael's dating, this, um... 515 00:24:34,496 --> 00:24:39,000 this Ben... 516 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,436 he's positive. 517 00:24:41,936 --> 00:24:44,421 Oh. 518 00:24:44,421 --> 00:24:46,323 So? 519 00:24:46,824 --> 00:24:50,828 So... 520 00:24:50,828 --> 00:24:53,279 I don't want him dating anyone who's sick. 521 00:24:53,290 --> 00:24:58,751 Who said he's sick? 522 00:24:58,751 --> 00:25:01,753 I knew I couldn't talk to you about it. 523 00:25:01,753 --> 00:25:04,746 So negative people shouldn't be allowed to date positive people, 524 00:25:04,756 --> 00:25:08,646 - is that it? - Don't twist my words. 525 00:25:10,646 --> 00:25:13,147 Then what are you saying? 526 00:25:13,147 --> 00:25:15,150 He's my son. 527 00:25:15,150 --> 00:25:19,592 I don't want him gettin' anything. 528 00:25:25,092 --> 00:25:28,595 I never thought I'd say this... 529 00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:30,096 but for the first time in my life, 530 00:25:30,096 --> 00:25:32,097 I wish my son wasn't gay. 531 00:25:32,097 --> 00:25:35,035 You don't mean that. 532 00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:38,037 Not if it means I have to watch him puking, 533 00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:41,539 and shitting and wasting away to nothing. 534 00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:43,840 I can't listen to any more of this. 535 00:25:43,976 --> 00:25:47,931 Do you think I want michael to end up like you? 536 00:25:50,931 --> 00:25:54,319 Jeez. 537 00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:55,819 Oh, shit! 538 00:25:55,819 --> 00:26:00,823 Michael. 539 00:26:01,325 --> 00:26:02,826 I'm just getting some stuff and then I'm out of here. 540 00:26:02,826 --> 00:26:03,827 Honey... 541 00:26:04,328 --> 00:26:05,328 Look, Michael, sweetheart... 542 00:26:05,328 --> 00:26:06,829 How could you talk that way to Uncle Vic? 543 00:26:07,330 --> 00:26:08,331 You really hurt him. 544 00:26:08,764 --> 00:26:11,767 People say a lot of things when they're upset. 545 00:26:11,767 --> 00:26:15,704 And I'm upset. I'm very fucking upset. 546 00:26:15,704 --> 00:26:17,706 And, uh, and how long were you gonna wait 547 00:26:17,706 --> 00:26:20,659 before you told me about Ben? 548 00:26:20,659 --> 00:26:22,160 I didn't think you'd care, 549 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,662 especially after all noble sentiments and hash browns 550 00:26:24,662 --> 00:26:28,599 you were dishing out at the diner. 551 00:26:28,599 --> 00:26:30,601 All right. 552 00:26:30,601 --> 00:26:34,537 I'm gonna make you very, very happy. 553 00:26:34,537 --> 00:26:37,974 You always wanted a normal mother? 554 00:26:37,974 --> 00:26:40,977 Okay, you got one. 555 00:26:40,977 --> 00:26:42,478 I don't want you dating that guy. 556 00:26:42,478 --> 00:26:44,930 I don't care what you want. 557 00:26:44,930 --> 00:26:47,933 And don't tell me who to date. I'm 30 years old. 558 00:26:47,933 --> 00:26:49,935 Who I date, and what I do, 559 00:26:49,935 --> 00:26:52,940 is none of your goddamn fucking business. 560 00:27:00,861 --> 00:27:02,863 We're really lucky. 561 00:27:02,863 --> 00:27:04,864 What? Living in this land of plenty? 562 00:27:05,348 --> 00:27:08,821 Roll over. 563 00:27:11,821 --> 00:27:13,822 Every time Michael and Ben have sex, 564 00:27:13,822 --> 00:27:16,743 think of all that they have to deal with. 565 00:27:16,743 --> 00:27:20,245 It's Michael's decision. 566 00:27:20,245 --> 00:27:22,698 Is that a pimple on your ass? 567 00:27:22,698 --> 00:27:23,698 - Where? - Right there. 568 00:27:24,198 --> 00:27:25,199 - Where? - Right there. 569 00:27:25,199 --> 00:27:31,689 Shut up. 570 00:27:31,689 --> 00:27:34,191 No matter how long they're together, 571 00:27:34,191 --> 00:27:36,694 even if it's forever, 572 00:27:36,694 --> 00:27:38,195 they can never do it raw. 573 00:27:38,695 --> 00:27:41,698 Um... neither have we. 574 00:27:41,698 --> 00:27:44,201 Yeah, but we could... 575 00:27:44,201 --> 00:27:47,205 if we wanted. 576 00:27:49,205 --> 00:27:51,707 I mean... 577 00:27:51,707 --> 00:27:55,129 we're both negative. 578 00:27:58,129 --> 00:28:01,132 You want me to fuck you bareback? 579 00:28:01,633 --> 00:28:03,635 Yes. 580 00:28:03,635 --> 00:28:05,637 Come inside your tight little ass? 581 00:28:05,637 --> 00:28:10,641 Do it. 582 00:28:10,641 --> 00:28:14,611 Fuck me. 583 00:28:14,611 --> 00:28:18,614 Fuck... yourself. 584 00:28:18,614 --> 00:28:22,619 - What? - You stupid little twat. 585 00:28:23,619 --> 00:28:26,621 Never let anyone fuck you without a condom. 586 00:28:26,621 --> 00:28:28,106 You're not just anyone. 587 00:28:28,106 --> 00:28:30,108 Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought 588 00:28:30,108 --> 00:28:34,048 about the guy who infected him. 589 00:28:38,549 --> 00:28:41,474 Put it on me. 590 00:29:11,913 --> 00:29:15,415 I want you safe. 591 00:29:15,415 --> 00:29:17,919 And I want you around for a long time. 592 00:29:29,412 --> 00:29:32,348 Okay. The tea service is polished, 593 00:29:32,348 --> 00:29:33,849 the flowers are all arranged. 594 00:29:33,849 --> 00:29:38,220 those vegetarian roll-ups look scrumptious. 595 00:29:38,220 --> 00:29:40,171 How do I look? 596 00:29:40,672 --> 00:29:41,673 Like a fucking nun. 597 00:29:41,673 --> 00:29:46,094 What happened to your tits? 598 00:29:46,094 --> 00:29:48,046 Who knew my year working in a piercing salon 599 00:29:48,046 --> 00:29:50,514 would come in so handy. 600 00:29:50,514 --> 00:29:51,932 That's Tasha and her harp. 601 00:29:52,432 --> 00:29:57,871 Somebody get the door. 602 00:29:57,871 --> 00:29:59,372 I was hoping you were the harp. 603 00:29:59,372 --> 00:30:01,874 I'm into fucking not plucking. 604 00:30:01,874 --> 00:30:04,377 What happened to your tits? 605 00:30:04,377 --> 00:30:07,880 Hey, sonny-boy, your old man's here to rescue you. 606 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:08,848 Hi, 607 00:30:08,848 --> 00:30:11,416 I'm Leda. 608 00:30:11,416 --> 00:30:14,419 Ah, Melanie's evil ex. 609 00:30:14,419 --> 00:30:16,855 And you must be the anti-Christ. 610 00:30:17,355 --> 00:30:18,856 Big fan. 611 00:30:19,356 --> 00:30:20,327 Oh, don't bother, 612 00:30:20,341 --> 00:30:21,325 it's a virgin. 613 00:30:21,325 --> 00:30:23,811 The sitter's coming for Gus this afternoon. 614 00:30:23,811 --> 00:30:25,312 Take him to the park. 615 00:30:25,312 --> 00:30:27,314 Be careful on the swings. Don't get him dirty. 616 00:30:27,314 --> 00:30:28,815 Be back by 2:00. 617 00:30:28,815 --> 00:30:30,817 And, wear something... nice. 618 00:30:30,817 --> 00:30:32,753 - Anything else? - Shave. 619 00:30:32,753 --> 00:30:35,723 My balls are as clean as a whistle. 620 00:30:37,707 --> 00:30:39,658 Tasha, finally. 621 00:30:39,658 --> 00:30:41,560 Leda, can you show her where to put it? 622 00:30:43,046 --> 00:30:44,496 It's too easy. 623 00:30:44,997 --> 00:30:47,449 We're trying to make Lindsay's parents feel at home. 624 00:30:47,449 --> 00:30:48,950 Well, you should have rented caskets. 625 00:30:48,950 --> 00:30:50,919 I say we greet 'em wearing strap-ons. 626 00:30:50,919 --> 00:30:53,905 Ever been fucked by a dyke with a dildo? 627 00:30:53,905 --> 00:30:55,406 Is that an offer? 628 00:30:55,406 --> 00:30:57,325 This is really important to Lindsay, 629 00:30:57,325 --> 00:31:01,683 so could both of you keep your fucking, foul mouths shut? 630 00:31:06,683 --> 00:31:11,605 They're not coming. 631 00:31:11,605 --> 00:31:14,039 Are we surprised? 632 00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:16,041 Mom said daddy slipped a disc and... 633 00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:17,542 he'll be on his back for days. 634 00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:19,478 Well, that I'd like to see. 635 00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:20,913 Shut up, Brian. 636 00:31:29,754 --> 00:31:31,756 It was like an episode of the "Twilight Zone". 637 00:31:31,756 --> 00:31:33,257 My favourite was the one 638 00:31:33,257 --> 00:31:34,758 where you could trade in your old body 639 00:31:34,758 --> 00:31:36,193 for a hot, new one. 640 00:31:37,193 --> 00:31:41,198 She actually said she wished I wasn't gay. 641 00:31:41,198 --> 00:31:46,088 Well, I'll always be glad you're a big, fat queer. 642 00:31:49,088 --> 00:31:52,490 You two make a beautiful couple. 643 00:31:52,490 --> 00:31:53,925 Hey, there. 644 00:31:53,925 --> 00:31:55,360 Aren't you sweet? 645 00:31:55,860 --> 00:31:58,330 Hi, sweetie. 646 00:31:58,330 --> 00:31:59,831 And your baby looks just like you. 647 00:32:05,202 --> 00:32:09,707 So sweet. 648 00:32:09,707 --> 00:32:12,198 - You know, she's right. - What are you talking about? 649 00:32:12,208 --> 00:32:13,710 The baby's the spitting image of you. 650 00:32:13,710 --> 00:32:16,664 I mean Debbie. 651 00:32:17,664 --> 00:32:18,648 You should forget Ben. 652 00:32:20,083 --> 00:32:22,084 - What the fuck do you know? - Well, let's see. 653 00:32:22,084 --> 00:32:24,537 I know advertising, 654 00:32:25,038 --> 00:32:26,471 and I know you. 655 00:32:26,471 --> 00:32:28,457 Those ads you see for the cocktails 656 00:32:28,957 --> 00:32:30,392 with the greatlooking guys 657 00:32:30,392 --> 00:32:31,892 skiing and mountain-climbing, 658 00:32:31,903 --> 00:32:34,896 like all you have to do is pop a little protease inhibitor, 659 00:32:34,896 --> 00:32:38,382 and you too can have the time of your life. 660 00:32:38,883 --> 00:32:39,884 Well, it's just... 661 00:32:39,884 --> 00:32:41,841 kind of tough downhill racing 662 00:32:41,851 --> 00:32:44,322 when you've got nonstop diarrhea. 663 00:32:44,322 --> 00:32:46,306 - I can handle it. - Well... 664 00:32:46,306 --> 00:32:49,259 then handle it. 665 00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:53,263 Kiss it. Jerk it off. Just... 666 00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:56,150 don't fall in love with it. 667 00:32:58,650 --> 00:33:00,651 - Mrs. Petersen? - Melanie. 668 00:33:00,651 --> 00:33:04,126 What a surprise. 669 00:33:08,126 --> 00:33:10,127 Unfortunately, I'm just on my way out. 670 00:33:10,127 --> 00:33:12,630 George, Barbara, is that you? 671 00:33:12,630 --> 00:33:16,633 Mr. Petersen. 672 00:33:16,633 --> 00:33:17,634 I was expecting... 673 00:33:17,634 --> 00:33:20,119 Someone else? 674 00:33:20,119 --> 00:33:22,122 Congratulations on your speedy recovery. 675 00:33:22,122 --> 00:33:25,057 Well, you know how it is with these back things. 676 00:33:25,057 --> 00:33:27,059 One minute you can't stand up. The next minute... 677 00:33:27,059 --> 00:33:30,980 Playing mixed doubles. 678 00:33:30,980 --> 00:33:32,481 This is very awkward. 679 00:33:32,481 --> 00:33:34,983 Awkward? 680 00:33:34,983 --> 00:33:38,486 That you couldn't come over to our house for a couple of hours? 681 00:33:38,486 --> 00:33:40,488 Lindsay's been working her ass off for you. 682 00:33:40,488 --> 00:33:42,474 Would it be so fucking hard to show up? 683 00:33:42,474 --> 00:33:45,893 - Language. - Language. 684 00:33:45,893 --> 00:33:48,896 Your excuses are bullshit. 685 00:33:48,896 --> 00:33:50,330 All she wants from you 686 00:33:50,330 --> 00:33:52,332 is to show her a little support. 687 00:33:52,332 --> 00:33:54,267 The only reason you want us to come to your party 688 00:33:54,267 --> 00:33:56,269 is so that we'll write you a cheque. 689 00:33:56,269 --> 00:33:57,687 Nancy, please. 690 00:33:57,687 --> 00:33:58,688 Why not admit it? 691 00:33:58,688 --> 00:34:02,675 Look, I know what you think about me. 692 00:34:02,675 --> 00:34:04,176 I'm the slick Jew lawyer 693 00:34:04,176 --> 00:34:07,163 come to shake you down for a few shekels. 694 00:34:07,163 --> 00:34:10,132 The dyke who corrupted your daughter. 695 00:34:10,132 --> 00:34:11,616 Well, you're wrong. 696 00:34:11,616 --> 00:34:14,535 I'm Lindsay's loving partner, 697 00:34:14,535 --> 00:34:16,538 and Gus' adoring mother. 698 00:34:16,538 --> 00:34:18,023 And I know 699 00:34:18,023 --> 00:34:21,492 that I will never cause him the pain that you've caused her. 700 00:34:21,492 --> 00:34:26,809 He'll never have to wonder whether or not I love him. 701 00:34:58,809 --> 00:35:00,310 Are we gonna talk? 702 00:35:00,310 --> 00:35:04,815 Or are we just gonna rake the whole goddamn neighbourhood? 703 00:35:04,815 --> 00:35:08,801 If you want to talk, talk. 704 00:35:08,801 --> 00:35:12,303 You know I didn't mean what I said... 705 00:35:12,303 --> 00:35:17,809 Well, for it to come out the way it did. 706 00:35:17,809 --> 00:35:20,745 I've just had it with this fucking disease. 707 00:35:21,745 --> 00:35:24,250 Tell me about it. 708 00:35:25,250 --> 00:35:28,189 I know, baby. 709 00:35:32,189 --> 00:35:35,143 I just can't go through it again. 710 00:35:37,143 --> 00:35:39,645 What makes you think you'll have to? 711 00:35:39,645 --> 00:35:43,082 - Michael doesn't have HIV. - Ben does. 712 00:35:43,082 --> 00:35:45,585 And there's nothing in his life that's not gonna be affected by it, 713 00:35:45,585 --> 00:35:48,086 including Michael. 714 00:35:48,086 --> 00:35:52,524 And what affects Michael, affects me. 715 00:35:52,524 --> 00:35:55,026 It's like what they say about marriage; 716 00:35:55,026 --> 00:35:58,028 You don't just get them. You get the whole damn family. 717 00:35:58,028 --> 00:36:01,533 Yeah, well I'm not so crazy about the in-laws. 718 00:36:12,041 --> 00:36:16,044 I mean, even if they have safe sex... 719 00:36:16,044 --> 00:36:18,982 what if something happens? 720 00:36:18,982 --> 00:36:23,987 What if Michael comes to us, and he says, "I've got it"? 721 00:36:25,987 --> 00:36:28,943 What do we do? 722 00:36:31,943 --> 00:36:34,365 First we'd die. 723 00:36:37,865 --> 00:36:40,748 And then we'd deal with it. 724 00:37:01,669 --> 00:37:03,671 This party sucks. 725 00:37:03,671 --> 00:37:08,142 I prefer to think of it as mellow. 726 00:37:08,142 --> 00:37:11,645 I'm going to go upstairs and swallow a bottle of Xanax. 727 00:37:11,645 --> 00:37:14,648 Good idea. 728 00:37:15,148 --> 00:37:17,651 Fucking flowers are making my allergies go berserk. 729 00:37:17,651 --> 00:37:20,152 Well, gee, that's a good reason to leave. 730 00:37:20,653 --> 00:37:22,154 And leave me alone 731 00:37:22,154 --> 00:37:25,591 with the ladies who munch? No way! 732 00:37:25,591 --> 00:37:27,593 Uh, well... 733 00:37:27,593 --> 00:37:32,030 in that case, I guess there's only one thing we can do. 734 00:37:32,030 --> 00:37:33,985 Yay! 735 00:37:37,485 --> 00:37:39,486 You know, I can honestly say there is, uh, 736 00:37:39,486 --> 00:37:41,973 there's not one thing here I'd put in my mouth. 737 00:37:41,973 --> 00:37:43,975 That's a first. 738 00:37:45,476 --> 00:37:47,411 Excuse me? 739 00:37:47,411 --> 00:37:50,750 This food's the worst. 740 00:37:53,750 --> 00:37:55,752 Oh, did I... did I tell you, Michael, 741 00:37:55,752 --> 00:37:58,253 that I received a, uh... a very... 742 00:37:58,253 --> 00:38:02,258 very lucrative offer from cocks'r'us.net? 743 00:38:02,258 --> 00:38:06,111 Why no, Emmett, you didn't. 744 00:38:06,612 --> 00:38:08,613 Did I tell you, Michael, about my new star? 745 00:38:09,113 --> 00:38:10,115 Dick Long. 746 00:38:10,115 --> 00:38:11,550 Not only lives up to, 747 00:38:11,550 --> 00:38:13,534 but surpasses his name. 748 00:38:13,534 --> 00:38:14,969 You don't say. 749 00:38:14,969 --> 00:38:16,387 You can tell, uh, Mr. Schmidt, 750 00:38:16,387 --> 00:38:19,390 if you happen to see his wizened countenance, 751 00:38:19,390 --> 00:38:22,393 that he still owes me my last paltry paycheque. 752 00:38:22,393 --> 00:38:24,394 And, uh, you can tell Mr. Honeycutt, 753 00:38:24,394 --> 00:38:28,898 whose ass has more tread marks than a steelbelted radial, 754 00:38:28,898 --> 00:38:31,901 if he doesn't come by and pick up his personal effects, 755 00:38:31,901 --> 00:38:33,902 his dildoes will be donated to charity. 756 00:38:33,902 --> 00:38:35,404 Why don't you tell each other yourselves? 757 00:38:35,404 --> 00:38:37,405 And while you're at it, why don't you both apologize 758 00:38:37,405 --> 00:38:38,907 for acting like a couple of idiots? 759 00:38:38,907 --> 00:38:40,409 - I'm the one who created him. - Yeah. 760 00:38:40,409 --> 00:38:42,410 He would be out of business if it weren't for me. 761 00:38:42,410 --> 00:38:43,411 You could show a little gratitude. 762 00:38:43,411 --> 00:38:45,013 And you could show a little generosity. 763 00:38:45,023 --> 00:38:46,913 And you both could show a little maturity. 764 00:38:46,913 --> 00:38:48,416 - It's none of your goddamned business, Michael... - Who the fuck asked your opinion 765 00:38:48,416 --> 00:38:51,894 - anyway? - Just butt out. 766 00:39:26,633 --> 00:39:28,635 Enjoying the view? 767 00:39:28,635 --> 00:39:30,637 Go away. 768 00:39:30,637 --> 00:39:33,139 Make me. 769 00:39:33,139 --> 00:39:35,142 Your party really sucks. 770 00:39:35,142 --> 00:39:36,642 That's already been well established, 771 00:39:36,642 --> 00:39:40,150 if you've been paying attention. 772 00:39:44,150 --> 00:39:48,103 You really... give a shit what they think? 773 00:39:48,103 --> 00:39:51,113 They're my parents, Brian. 774 00:39:59,113 --> 00:40:01,614 I know I shouldn't care. 775 00:40:01,614 --> 00:40:05,101 I shouldn't let it hurt me. 776 00:40:05,101 --> 00:40:09,606 It's not my job to please them... 777 00:40:10,105 --> 00:40:15,327 to make them happy. 778 00:40:15,327 --> 00:40:16,829 You remember... 779 00:40:17,329 --> 00:40:19,831 what's his name, um... 780 00:40:19,831 --> 00:40:24,319 Billy the Asshole's birthday party in junior year? 781 00:40:25,319 --> 00:40:27,822 When Rebecca Tucci dumped me? 782 00:40:28,322 --> 00:40:30,825 Those were the days. 783 00:40:30,825 --> 00:40:32,827 Jeez, is this supposed to cheer me up? 784 00:40:32,827 --> 00:40:35,829 I was a wreck. 785 00:40:35,829 --> 00:40:38,265 Not for long. 786 00:40:38,265 --> 00:40:40,767 Oh, thanks to you putting "E" in the punch, 787 00:40:41,268 --> 00:40:42,769 some... loose women and... 788 00:40:43,270 --> 00:40:45,271 the B-52s. 789 00:40:45,271 --> 00:40:47,690 Well, those who don't learn their lessons, 790 00:40:47,690 --> 00:40:51,694 are condemned to repeat their courses. 791 00:41:11,345 --> 00:41:13,330 The bitch is back. 792 00:41:13,330 --> 00:41:15,248 Come and dance with me, baby. 793 00:41:15,248 --> 00:41:16,749 Check the server? 794 00:41:16,749 --> 00:41:18,185 Double check the connection... 795 00:41:30,061 --> 00:41:32,064 How do you like it. 796 00:41:34,064 --> 00:41:36,418 Does that offer still stand? 797 00:41:52,815 --> 00:41:54,801 Mom! 798 00:41:54,801 --> 00:41:56,188 Daddy! 799 00:41:59,188 --> 00:42:01,657 You call this brunch? 800 00:42:01,657 --> 00:42:03,157 Hey, how about some punch? 801 00:42:03,157 --> 00:42:06,078 Mel, no. 802 00:42:06,078 --> 00:42:09,046 Uh, I thought you weren't coming. 803 00:42:09,046 --> 00:42:10,548 We changed our minds. 804 00:42:10,548 --> 00:42:12,549 Oh. And from the look of things, 805 00:42:12,549 --> 00:42:14,018 We shouldn't have. 806 00:42:14,018 --> 00:42:15,469 Hi. 807 00:42:15,469 --> 00:42:18,788 We're just having some fun. 808 00:42:18,788 --> 00:42:20,774 You call this fun? 809 00:42:20,774 --> 00:42:23,276 Well, it may not be your idea of fun, but... 810 00:42:23,276 --> 00:42:25,779 yes. 811 00:42:28,130 --> 00:42:29,632 Everyone, I'd like you to meet my parents... 812 00:42:31,133 --> 00:42:33,135 the guests of honour. 813 00:42:33,135 --> 00:42:35,054 You need not introduce us. 814 00:42:35,054 --> 00:42:38,022 We're not staying. 815 00:42:38,022 --> 00:42:39,958 Come on, Ron. 816 00:42:39,958 --> 00:42:41,459 You know, the whole point of this party 817 00:42:41,459 --> 00:42:43,928 was to prove that we're just like you, 818 00:42:43,928 --> 00:42:46,380 so that you'd accept us, 819 00:42:46,380 --> 00:42:48,382 the way that I've tried to accept you. 820 00:42:48,382 --> 00:42:51,802 I didn't realize that I needed to be accepted. 821 00:42:51,802 --> 00:42:54,771 You're right, mom, you don't. 822 00:42:54,771 --> 00:42:55,772 Neither do we. 823 00:43:34,891 --> 00:43:38,397 Come for my personal effects. 824 00:43:42,397 --> 00:43:44,404 I have your cheque. 825 00:43:50,404 --> 00:43:52,406 I'll be as quick as I can. 826 00:43:52,406 --> 00:43:53,407 - Emmett, I... - Please, 827 00:43:53,908 --> 00:43:54,908 let's just, uh... 828 00:43:54,908 --> 00:43:57,411 let's not say anything more. We've... 829 00:43:57,411 --> 00:44:01,262 both made our positions painfully clear. 830 00:44:17,763 --> 00:44:19,769 I, uh... 831 00:44:23,769 --> 00:44:27,205 your fans are going to miss you. 832 00:44:27,205 --> 00:44:31,125 Well, I'm sure Dick Long will help them forget. 833 00:44:32,626 --> 00:44:36,129 Ah, well, actually he's... 834 00:44:36,129 --> 00:44:41,017 only a dick medium. 835 00:44:41,017 --> 00:44:45,972 You're by far my biggest attraction. 836 00:44:45,972 --> 00:44:48,473 And I... I suppose I do... 837 00:44:48,473 --> 00:44:51,476 owe my fame... such as it is... 838 00:44:51,978 --> 00:44:55,982 and my fortune, such as it isn't... 839 00:44:56,982 --> 00:44:58,937 to you. 840 00:45:03,437 --> 00:45:04,438 Five percent. 841 00:45:04,938 --> 00:45:07,941 That's a very, uh, generous offer... 842 00:45:08,441 --> 00:45:10,444 Teddy, but, um... 843 00:45:10,444 --> 00:45:11,945 It's not just about the money. I mean, for me, 844 00:45:11,945 --> 00:45:15,457 It's always been about the art. 845 00:45:25,457 --> 00:45:28,459 The finest lubricant... 846 00:45:28,459 --> 00:45:30,462 water soluble... 847 00:45:30,462 --> 00:45:32,965 heated to 98.6 degrees. 848 00:45:34,965 --> 00:45:38,876 I... I appreciate the gesture, but... 849 00:45:59,338 --> 00:46:03,342 I'm so sorry I underestimated you. 850 00:46:04,342 --> 00:46:08,797 You're more than just an enormous dick. 851 00:46:09,797 --> 00:46:13,784 You're my friend. 852 00:46:13,784 --> 00:46:17,237 And you're mine. 853 00:46:27,196 --> 00:46:29,632 So, what do you say? 854 00:46:29,632 --> 00:46:33,635 I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Schmidt. 855 00:46:52,585 --> 00:46:55,023 Condoms? 856 00:46:57,023 --> 00:46:59,959 Bathroom. 857 00:46:59,959 --> 00:47:03,430 - I'll get them. - Okay. 858 00:47:42,097 --> 00:47:43,599 Find them? 859 00:47:43,599 --> 00:47:45,984 Found them. 860 00:48:04,984 --> 00:48:06,986 I can't do this. 861 00:48:06,986 --> 00:48:10,973 Here. Let me try. 862 00:48:10,973 --> 00:48:14,980 No, I mean I can't... 863 00:48:17,980 --> 00:48:20,982 I thought I could... 864 00:48:20,982 --> 00:48:22,984 That I could handle it but... 865 00:48:22,984 --> 00:48:26,988 I guess I was just fooling myself. 866 00:48:26,988 --> 00:48:29,992 I'm sorry. 867 00:48:32,492 --> 00:48:36,496 Don't apologize. 868 00:48:36,997 --> 00:48:40,499 It's, uh, better we find out now... 869 00:48:40,799 --> 00:48:44,499 before someone gets hurt.