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00:00:02,317 --> 00:00:05,063
Good evening, everybody.
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Take things for granted
3
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and they will be taken from you.
4
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Anybody who has ever left
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A packet of chocolate
hobnobs unguarded...
6
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Will vouch for the
truth in that statement.
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So often the things we love the most
8
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we care for the least.
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Even love itself,
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as we shall see,
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is like a regular
intake of dietary fiber-
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Easy to ignore
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but just try functioning
properly without it.
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So that is agreed.
15
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Due to budgetary limitations
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our mounted display
for the Gasforth show
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will consist of two bicycles
and a set of coconut shells.
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The dog team... Will consist of one dog.
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It's not really a team, is it, Raymond?
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One dog? I mean, the whole
point is dogs acting in unison.
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You can't have one dog
acting in unison, can you?
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I mean, that's stupid.
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Unless... We use some kind of mirror.
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Well, at least with only one dog,
we'll avoid last year's disaster.
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Oh, yes.
Shep and Lady
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Indeed Shep and indeed a.. "lady"
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I've never known such naughty dogs.
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It was like a scene out of Canine Emanuele
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Oh
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- The locker-room orders, sir.
- Hmm.
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We are still getting through
an awful lot of loo-paper.
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I'm afraid a "Three sheets
a visit" policy clash badly
33
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with Prunes and
Custard Day in the county,
34
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Loo paper!
35
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I am a trained police officer,
hound and buffed.
36
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I should not have to spend
my time worrying about budgets.
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Well,
they take a lot of looking after, sir.
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Indeed they do Gladstone.
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One moment,
they are swing on their little swings
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the next is close-up in the saw dust.
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I'm talking about "budgets",
constable, not "budgies"
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Oh.
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Yes, thank you, Gladstone.
That will be all.
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Yes, sir.
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What's happened to you, Pat?
You look like you've been mugged.
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- I have.
- Did you get a description?
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Yes!
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Purple tights, pink leg-warmers...
49
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enormous hair,
50
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a manical grin, like she's
swallowed a coathanger.
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Looks like the love child of Jack
Nicholson and a cabbage patched doll.
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Shouldn't be too difficult to spot.
Any weapon?
53
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:05,919
Yes. A vicious cassette
of Sonia's greatest hits.
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My aerobics instructor, Maggie.
55
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Satan's hell-cow, the bottle-blown bitch.
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"Step to the side, you're looking good.
57
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Shake it to the right, one two.
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Put your foot in your ear, three four,
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stick your head up your bum! Five six.
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On your back, hips up, knees spread."
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- Sounds like a smear test.
- Yes!
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Only slightly less fun.
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These are difficult times,
Derek, difficult times.
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Are you sure there are no more
savings to be made in C.I.D.?
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I mean, this water
cooler you've ordered?
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Raymond,
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do not interfere with my decisions.
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I and me alone am responsible
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for the operational
fitness in my officers.
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It is my ass,
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and I will not have you
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sticking your nose
in and sniffing about.
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But a water cooler?
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We work under intensely
difficult conditions,
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and regular
re-hydration is essential.
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00:04:03,975 --> 00:04:04,981
Rubbish!
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You just want to strut about with a paper
cup in your hand like American policemen.
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You watch far too much television.
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The one saving grace was that I
wasn't the worst person in the class.
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I think I've dislocated
my trouser furniture.
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00:04:25,619 --> 00:04:28,698
Excuse me.
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Pluck a duck, Kevin.
83
00:04:30,324 --> 00:04:32,216
That leotard's a bit radical, isn't it?
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If it gets sucked up any
further, it'll garrote your bum.
85
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Gotta feel the burn.
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Oh...
Set fire to your leg warmers.
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Gotta keep in shape. Whoo, whoo.
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Ow!
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00:04:46,418 --> 00:04:48,586
What have you gotta keep in shape for?
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00:04:48,611 --> 00:04:51,931
Well, I do confess, it is partly vanity.
91
00:04:51,956 --> 00:04:53,688
But, what I say is this:
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If you've got it, get it out,
pump it up, and flaunt it.
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00:04:59,287 --> 00:05:01,933
I have to be very fit
for my police work.
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Ow!
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00:05:04,492 --> 00:05:05,669
Do you know,
96
00:05:05,693 --> 00:05:08,139
I was chasing this bloke
the other day knackered?
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I was a wobbly jelly.
98
00:05:09,597 --> 00:05:12,076
Nearly had to stop and be sick.
99
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,510
How far did you run after him?
100
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:15,679
I wasn't running, I was in a squad car.
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00:05:15,703 --> 00:05:19,039
It's just that I'm
used to power steering.
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I think you're both mad.
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You could have had another hour in bed.
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No pain, no gain, Maggie.
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I want to get in shape.
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What are you talking about?
You're in great shape.
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00:05:30,251 --> 00:05:32,029
Just because society decrees
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that all women should look like
stick insects with knockers...
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00:05:34,889 --> 00:05:38,002
Don't you think you're just
perpetuating a sexist stereotype?
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That's the idea, but it's
going to take a lot of work.
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You can say it's perpetuating
a stereotype if you like,
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but it's just what people find
attractive. Look at beauty contests.
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Beauty contests are just
a disgusting male fantasy.
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00:05:51,639 --> 00:05:54,986
No they're not. My fantasies are
a lot more disgusting than that.
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00:05:55,010 --> 00:05:57,821
Beauty contests are tasteful.
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Tasteful? 40 birds standing in a row
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with their boobs full of silicone,
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and their bikini bits waxed down
to five curlies short of a kojak?
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00:06:06,921 --> 00:06:08,432
How tasteful is that?
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It takes a lot of hard work and
dedication to win a beauty contest.
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- You have to respect that.
- A person earns respect.
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Quite frankly, I don't think
that having humongous kajungas
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is a sufficient qualification.
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It'll do for me.
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Good, so that concludes
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our weekly administrative meeting.
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Weekly fannying-about
meeting more like.
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Except, of course, to remind you
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that the date for this
year's promotion review board
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has been set for this Friday.
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I don't need reminding, mate,
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I've been building up to this for weeks.
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I am a coiled spring
waiting to go-
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Boing!
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Yes, well, I must say, a
promotion would be nice.
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Chief inspector Raymond Fowler.
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I can't help feeling that
this year it must be my turn.
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You've got no chance, mate.
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00:07:01,476 --> 00:07:03,354
There's not point in
you even turning up.
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- I beg your pardon?
- Promotion boards are looking
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for solid, steady,
dependable blokes, Fowler.
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Well... married blokes.
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Not divorcees living in
sin with their sergeants.
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I don't believe a
person's marital status
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makes the slightest
difference these days.
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Of course it does!
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00:07:22,558 --> 00:07:26,439
Blimey, society has to
offer some sort of reward
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for a lifetime spent
in front of the telly.
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Do you know
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00:07:33,136 --> 00:07:37,850
tomorrow is me and my
Tina's 20th anniversary?
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- Really?
- Yeah...
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And you can rest assured I shall
let the promotion board know.
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00:07:45,815 --> 00:07:47,759
20 years, mate.
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20 grueling years.
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That shows character, Raymond,
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character and commitment.
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You really believe that being married
affects one's chances of promotion?
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Of course it does.
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00:08:01,597 --> 00:08:05,111
Mind you, marriage is
much more than that.
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It's comfort.
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It's security.
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I cannot tell you
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the peace of mind
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which me and my Tina enjoy
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knowing that things
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are as bad as they're ever going to get.
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I still say that modelling is
not as easy you think, Maggie.
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There is a price to pay.
Believe me, it's a real tragedy.
169
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Exactly!
That's the point.
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Women torturing their own
bodies to conform to a male fantasy.
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Girls throwing up their dinner.
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00:08:40,042 --> 00:08:41,996
Personally,
I've never been able to see what
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00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,144
the problem with all
that bolemic stuff is.
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To me, throwing up your dinner
is the sign of a good night out.
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00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:51,264
It's no big deal. It just makes
your beard taste a bit sour, that's all.
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00:08:51,857 --> 00:08:54,762
You're just a total caveman, Garry.
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Well, I like to work out a bit, don't I?
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Look at it,
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00:09:03,057 --> 00:09:04,968
beautiful!
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This is what being a
policeman is all about.
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00:09:09,030 --> 00:09:13,277
Next we'll get one of them double
hot plates with two coffee pots on it.
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00:09:13,301 --> 00:09:16,113
Two coffee pots...
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00:09:16,137 --> 00:09:19,216
A cop with two pots!
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00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,919
- Yo, brother!
- Freeze, mother!
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Drop it... Auntie.
186
00:09:26,714 --> 00:09:29,626
Just once before we die
187
00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:32,796
I'd like us to take
our jackets off together
188
00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:36,223
and be wearing shoulder holsters.
189
00:09:37,917 --> 00:09:41,320
Once step at a time.
We've got our water cooler.
190
00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,431
The virgin cup.
191
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Boyle, I can't get any
water out of this thing.
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I know, it don't work.
I called the bloke.
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00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:55,953
Now then, Habib,
194
00:09:55,977 --> 00:09:59,189
I want your advice about
an extremely sensitive area.
195
00:09:59,213 --> 00:10:01,959
Quite frankly, it's been
bothering me for some time,
196
00:10:01,983 --> 00:10:04,027
and I just don't want
to sit on it any longer.
197
00:10:04,051 --> 00:10:05,795
Oh, I see, sir.
198
00:10:05,819 --> 00:10:09,032
My dad uses this greasy
cream called rectinol.
199
00:10:09,056 --> 00:10:13,003
But sometimes he still has
to have a special cushion.
200
00:10:13,027 --> 00:10:15,672
- I beg your pardon?
- Hemorrhoids, sir,
201
00:10:15,696 --> 00:10:17,374
bothering your sensitive area.
202
00:10:17,398 --> 00:10:20,244
I'm not talking about hemorrhoids,
you silly young constable.
203
00:10:20,268 --> 00:10:22,012
Sorry, sir.
204
00:10:22,036 --> 00:10:24,437
Rectinol, you say?
205
00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:30,988
Now then, as I was saying,
206
00:10:31,012 --> 00:10:32,812
this sensitive matter...
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00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:40,497
If a man were considering
208
00:10:40,521 --> 00:10:42,699
proposing marriage to a woman-
209
00:10:42,723 --> 00:10:45,835
And I am, of course, talking
about a hypothetical man,
210
00:10:45,859 --> 00:10:47,971
and an equally
hypothetical woman-
211
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:51,108
Not going to be much
of a sex life, is it?
212
00:10:51,132 --> 00:10:53,266
It isn't anyway. I mean...
213
00:10:54,902 --> 00:10:57,214
Hypothetically-
hypothetically speaking.
214
00:10:57,238 --> 00:11:00,240
However-howsoever that may be-
215
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:04,821
How do you think this hypothetical woman
216
00:11:04,845 --> 00:11:06,356
would wish to be approached?
217
00:11:06,380 --> 00:11:08,425
Well, personally,
218
00:11:08,449 --> 00:11:10,994
I think marriage is an
outmoded institution.
219
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:13,196
But all woman like a bit of romance.
220
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:16,866
You know, candles, flowers, nice meal.
221
00:11:16,890 --> 00:11:19,736
Then when you're all lovey-dovey,
222
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,362
you go down on one knee
and suggest an aids test.
223
00:11:23,931 --> 00:11:27,010
- And aids test?!
- Of course, sir.
224
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:29,212
That's how it's done these days.
225
00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:31,848
Think about it-
hypothetically speaking-
226
00:11:31,872 --> 00:11:33,783
If I accept your proposal,
227
00:11:33,807 --> 00:11:37,010
I could catch H.I.V., herpes, gonorrhea.
228
00:11:41,949 --> 00:11:43,160
Ah, Patricia...
229
00:11:43,184 --> 00:11:45,429
We were just discussing...
230
00:11:45,453 --> 00:11:47,230
Catching...
231
00:11:47,254 --> 00:11:50,968
That notorious argentinean jewel thief,
232
00:11:50,992 --> 00:11:54,004
uh... Hugo...
233
00:11:54,028 --> 00:11:57,907
Ignatiev Vincente
234
00:11:57,931 --> 00:12:00,666
herpes-gonorrhea.
235
00:12:03,537 --> 00:12:04,971
Uh, you, uh...
236
00:12:06,507 --> 00:12:09,353
You might have read about
him in "the police review."
237
00:12:09,377 --> 00:12:11,254
Was it the May issue?
238
00:12:11,278 --> 00:12:13,779
Raymond, what were you
proposing to constable Habib?
239
00:12:15,383 --> 00:12:16,926
Nothing, sergeant.
240
00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:20,797
We were just discussing inspector
Grim's 20th wedding anniversary,
241
00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:23,600
saying how much marriage
proposals have changed.
242
00:12:23,624 --> 00:12:26,569
These days a bloke has to bring
along a medical certificate.
243
00:12:26,593 --> 00:12:30,397
I think women prefer
candles, flowers and wine.
244
00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:38,781
20 years.
245
00:12:38,805 --> 00:12:41,885
20 years poor old Tina Grim
246
00:12:41,909 --> 00:12:44,454
has had to put up with
her appalling husband.
247
00:12:44,478 --> 00:12:47,657
Can you imagine what it
must be like, year after year
248
00:12:47,681 --> 00:12:50,727
with the same dull irritating old bore?
249
00:12:50,751 --> 00:12:53,163
Yes.
250
00:12:53,187 --> 00:12:56,599
Not that marriage isn't a
fine and honorable estate.
251
00:12:56,623 --> 00:12:58,568
I mustn't let Grim's example
252
00:12:58,592 --> 00:13:00,570
sour me to the entire institution,
253
00:13:00,594 --> 00:13:02,872
nor indeed the failure
of my own marriage.
254
00:13:02,896 --> 00:13:05,409
I was young, I was wild.
255
00:13:05,433 --> 00:13:06,843
She was pregnant.
256
00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:09,779
Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge
257
00:13:09,803 --> 00:13:11,781
of the rhythm method of contraception
258
00:13:11,805 --> 00:13:14,184
was rather incomplete.
259
00:13:14,208 --> 00:13:16,920
Well, you've certainly mastered it now.
260
00:13:16,944 --> 00:13:18,688
Just add up all the days of the month
261
00:13:18,712 --> 00:13:20,880
and then don't do it on any of them.
262
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:31,168
Constable...
263
00:13:31,192 --> 00:13:34,461
Would you mind accompanying
me to the C.I.D. area?
264
00:13:41,035 --> 00:13:43,080
I'd offer you some refreshment,
265
00:13:43,104 --> 00:13:46,139
but sadly, I have a dysfunctional spout.
266
00:13:48,142 --> 00:13:51,555
I'd like to ask your advice
267
00:13:51,579 --> 00:13:53,490
on a matter pertaining to...
268
00:13:53,514 --> 00:13:55,659
women.
269
00:13:55,683 --> 00:13:57,594
What with you being one and all.
270
00:13:57,618 --> 00:13:59,963
- Right you are, sir.
- It's just,
271
00:13:59,987 --> 00:14:03,534
my Tina is expecting something special
272
00:14:03,558 --> 00:14:05,569
and exciting from me,
273
00:14:05,593 --> 00:14:09,139
and I've got a problem-
it comes once a year.
274
00:14:09,163 --> 00:14:10,541
Oh dear.
275
00:14:10,565 --> 00:14:12,776
Well, I can see that would be a problem.
276
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,713
But don't worry, sir, impotence
is very common in men of your age.
277
00:14:16,737 --> 00:14:19,015
I read in "Cosmopolitan"
278
00:14:19,039 --> 00:14:21,985
That there's this cream you
can buy called "keep it up"...
279
00:14:22,009 --> 00:14:25,189
I'm not talking about
impotence, constable.
280
00:14:25,213 --> 00:14:26,790
Oh. Sorry, sir.
281
00:14:26,814 --> 00:14:29,849
"Keep it up"...
282
00:14:36,157 --> 00:14:38,602
Now the problem is,
283
00:14:38,626 --> 00:14:42,005
as I think you know,
tomorrow is me and my Tina's
284
00:14:42,029 --> 00:14:44,641
20th wedding anniversary,
285
00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:48,545
so I suppose I've got
to get her something.
286
00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:50,114
It would be nice, sir.
287
00:14:50,138 --> 00:14:54,251
It's extraordinary how much
meaningless empty gestures
288
00:14:54,275 --> 00:14:56,052
mean to a woman, isn't it?
289
00:14:56,076 --> 00:14:58,188
Well, some girls like them.
290
00:14:58,212 --> 00:15:00,357
The question is what shall I get?
291
00:15:00,381 --> 00:15:02,259
Haven't you any ideas at all?
292
00:15:02,283 --> 00:15:05,562
Quite the opposite, too
many ideas. I'm torn.
293
00:15:05,586 --> 00:15:09,266
I'm torn between a box of "milk tray"
294
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:12,359
And a box of "dairy box."
295
00:15:13,861 --> 00:15:15,972
She likes the lime barrel out of one,
296
00:15:15,996 --> 00:15:19,042
and the caramel cup out of the other.
297
00:15:19,066 --> 00:15:20,500
What do you think?
298
00:15:22,436 --> 00:15:24,314
Perhaps you should get her both.
299
00:15:24,338 --> 00:15:26,617
Both?!
300
00:15:26,641 --> 00:15:28,652
You see? Bloody women!
301
00:15:28,676 --> 00:15:31,678
Totally unreasonable, the lot of you.
302
00:15:35,550 --> 00:15:37,994
Marriage is in the air at the moment.
303
00:15:38,018 --> 00:15:39,963
Do you know,
304
00:15:39,987 --> 00:15:41,931
I think inspector Fowler's
305
00:15:41,955 --> 00:15:44,301
thinking about proposing
to sergeant Dawkins.
306
00:15:44,325 --> 00:15:47,093
Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
307
00:15:48,095 --> 00:15:50,073
I love a wedding!
308
00:15:50,097 --> 00:15:52,142
Except for the bit where the vicar says,
309
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:53,943
"does anyone have any objections?"
310
00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:57,347
Makes me so tense.
311
00:15:57,371 --> 00:16:00,740
I always think, "God, I
hope I don't say something!"
312
00:16:04,212 --> 00:16:07,257
Because you easily could, couldn't you?
313
00:16:07,281 --> 00:16:09,749
You know, if you suddenly
went mad or something.
314
00:16:10,818 --> 00:16:12,829
I did object at a wedding once.
315
00:16:12,853 --> 00:16:15,499
- You didn't?!
- Oh yes...
316
00:16:15,523 --> 00:16:18,602
I said the groom is a
drinker and a philanderer.
317
00:16:18,626 --> 00:16:20,594
Oh no!
318
00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:24,908
What did the groom say?
319
00:16:24,932 --> 00:16:26,233
I just told you.
320
00:16:28,769 --> 00:16:32,339
It was the only way I could
think of getting out of it.
321
00:16:35,877 --> 00:16:37,621
Well, now, Patricia,
322
00:16:37,645 --> 00:16:42,115
I hope you enjoyed your lasagne
parmeggiano verde con funghi.
323
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,462
Yes, Raymond, ever so.
324
00:16:45,486 --> 00:16:47,965
Good. It took some
preparation, I can tell you.
325
00:16:47,989 --> 00:16:49,666
I bet it did.
326
00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:52,803
For a while, I didn't think I was
ever going to get it out of the packet.
327
00:16:52,827 --> 00:16:55,906
Look, "to open,
328
00:16:55,930 --> 00:16:57,908
simply cut along dotted line
329
00:16:57,932 --> 00:17:00,844
and pull tab outwards." I
mean, it's just not true!
330
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:02,880
That won't get you anywhere.
331
00:17:02,904 --> 00:17:05,949
They might as well say "to open,
wrap in a copy of the 'beano'
332
00:17:05,973 --> 00:17:08,284
and brush your teeth with it."
333
00:17:08,308 --> 00:17:11,087
I mean, why does it have
to be hermetically sealed?
334
00:17:11,111 --> 00:17:14,625
It's a frozen meal, not a gold ingot.
335
00:17:14,649 --> 00:17:17,460
I'm surprised it wasn't
delivered in a securicorps van.
336
00:17:17,484 --> 00:17:19,630
"To open, bludgeon guards to death,
337
00:17:19,654 --> 00:17:22,666
run oxyacetylene torch along dotted line
338
00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,468
and dynamite where shown."
339
00:17:25,492 --> 00:17:27,771
Raymond, we're having a lovely evening,
340
00:17:27,795 --> 00:17:29,439
you made a super supper,
341
00:17:29,463 --> 00:17:32,165
- please don't spoil it.
- Yes, I'm sorry, darling.
342
00:17:34,234 --> 00:17:37,213
- Some more wine?
- Ooh, I shouldn't.
343
00:17:37,237 --> 00:17:40,807
In that case I'll just
recork it with my vacupump.
344
00:17:43,784 --> 00:17:45,952
No, no, on second thoughts,
345
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:48,259
- perhaps just a little drop.
- All right.
346
00:17:54,385 --> 00:17:56,296
I shall have to be careful.
347
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,833
Red wine and Italian food
turns me into a right goer.
348
00:17:59,857 --> 00:18:02,970
Well, I'm delighted to hear it.
349
00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:05,873
- Are you, Raymond?
- Absolutely.
350
00:18:05,897 --> 00:18:09,565
Active bowel, active mind, I always say.
351
00:18:14,438 --> 00:18:16,817
Raymond, what's all this in aid of?
352
00:18:16,841 --> 00:18:18,786
The candles, the flowers, the wine?
353
00:18:18,810 --> 00:18:20,854
Oh, this?
354
00:18:20,878 --> 00:18:22,856
Oh... Oh, you know.
355
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,492
Um...
Well, um-
356
00:18:25,516 --> 00:18:28,328
Well...
357
00:18:28,352 --> 00:18:31,098
You know how much I
admire you, Patricia,
358
00:18:31,122 --> 00:18:33,566
not only as a police sergeant,
359
00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:35,836
but also as a, um-
360
00:18:35,860 --> 00:18:37,905
You know, as a, uh...
361
00:18:37,929 --> 00:18:40,607
as a woman.
362
00:18:40,631 --> 00:18:43,777
- Oh, Raymond.
- Patricia.
363
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:45,813
Oh, Raymond.
364
00:18:45,837 --> 00:18:48,748
Is there something
you want to say to me?
365
00:18:48,772 --> 00:18:51,474
Yes... Yes, there is.
366
00:18:54,745 --> 00:18:57,925
I want to discuss our future together.
367
00:18:57,949 --> 00:19:01,628
We're-we're both pretty
set in our ways now,
368
00:19:01,652 --> 00:19:03,530
I'm a bit of an old
stick-in-the-mud,
369
00:19:03,554 --> 00:19:06,756
and you're certainly not getting
any younger, that's for sure.
370
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:13,240
I don't want to end up boring,
gray, flabby and all alone.
371
00:19:13,264 --> 00:19:16,967
I want to be boring,
gray and flabby with you.
372
00:19:17,969 --> 00:19:19,913
I'm sure you feel the same way,
373
00:19:19,937 --> 00:19:22,672
particularly now you're beginning
to lose your looks a bit.
374
00:19:24,308 --> 00:19:27,510
- Really?
- Oh, definitely. Mmm.
375
00:19:29,313 --> 00:19:31,091
Besides which, I'm mindful
376
00:19:31,115 --> 00:19:33,293
of the approaching
promotion review board.
377
00:19:33,317 --> 00:19:37,564
My home life needs to appear
solid, plain and simple.
378
00:19:37,588 --> 00:19:40,533
And they don't come much
more solid, plain and simple
379
00:19:40,557 --> 00:19:41,968
than you, old girl.
380
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:47,074
So what I'm saying is, how about it?
381
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,743
Let's get married.
382
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:52,499
No. In fact, I'm leaving you.
383
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,835
Yes, good.
I thought a fairly simple ceremony,
384
00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:58,281
you know, just you,
me and a bottle of Saintsbury Sparkling.
385
00:19:58,306 --> 00:20:02,868
And perhaps a honeymoon, looking at
some medival churches in Lincolnshire.
386
00:20:02,893 --> 00:20:06,180
Now, I expect you are looking
forward to a bit of rolly-polly-
387
00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:10,445
Patricia?
388
00:20:11,505 --> 00:20:14,184
So she turned you down...
389
00:20:14,208 --> 00:20:17,176
Like an old duvet.
390
00:20:18,178 --> 00:20:20,623
I was so sure of my ground.
391
00:20:20,647 --> 00:20:25,195
It must have been something
to do with the way I proposed.
392
00:20:25,219 --> 00:20:28,398
It can't have been any worse
than when I did it, sir.
393
00:20:28,422 --> 00:20:31,601
I had 10 bottles of Guinness
to get my courage up.
394
00:20:31,625 --> 00:20:35,094
- Did you go down on one knee?
- I went down on all fours.
395
00:20:36,897 --> 00:20:38,975
How could I have got it so wrong?
396
00:20:38,999 --> 00:20:42,712
I'm sure you made a
very nice proposal, sir.
397
00:20:42,736 --> 00:20:44,580
Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
398
00:20:44,604 --> 00:20:48,251
Wine, candles-cost me a
pretty penny, I can tell you.
399
00:20:48,275 --> 00:20:50,553
But there's no pleasing some women.
400
00:20:50,577 --> 00:20:52,289
Any woman, sir.
401
00:20:52,313 --> 00:20:55,892
And I was making a very
attractive offer, I can assure you.
402
00:20:55,916 --> 00:20:59,852
It wasn't just my cuisine
I dangled in front of her.
403
00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:02,865
Oh no?
404
00:21:02,889 --> 00:21:04,801
What else did you dangle?
405
00:21:04,825 --> 00:21:08,572
- My prospects!
- At dinner?
406
00:21:09,541 --> 00:21:12,265
My mom won't even let me
put my elbows on the table.
407
00:21:14,335 --> 00:21:17,580
The promotion review
board are coming tomorrow.
408
00:21:17,604 --> 00:21:21,084
She could have been married to
a chief inspector, but oh no!
409
00:21:21,108 --> 00:21:24,444
Well, it's her loss.
I shall get that promotion anyway,
410
00:21:24,469 --> 00:21:28,147
become enormously successful,
and she will wonder why she ever let me go.
411
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:33,012
I expect it will be all your
annoying little habits that put her off.
412
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:34,700
I beg your pardon?
413
00:21:34,966 --> 00:21:37,118
Well,
that's what normally spits people up.
414
00:21:37,142 --> 00:21:38,810
Annoying habits.
415
00:21:39,028 --> 00:21:41,294
Like, picking your nose,
and then staring at it.
416
00:21:41,489 --> 00:21:43,614
I do not, you foul boy!
417
00:21:43,639 --> 00:21:46,880
How about blowing off under the
sheets and going: "Blimey nobody smoke"
418
00:21:48,192 --> 00:21:49,958
Be quiet, Goody!
419
00:21:51,091 --> 00:21:55,809
Well, you certainly slurp your tea,
because that gets on everyone's nose.
420
00:21:55,841 --> 00:21:57,856
- Hmm...
- Hmm...
421
00:21:59,447 --> 00:22:01,220
Women!
422
00:22:01,245 --> 00:22:05,058
Can't flipping please
them no matter what you do.
423
00:22:05,082 --> 00:22:06,860
I bought her
424
00:22:06,884 --> 00:22:12,265
A 250-gram box of "milk tray."
425
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:14,803
She only said she wants champagne.
426
00:22:14,828 --> 00:22:18,004
God, I managed to get her to
settle for a bottle of Asti
427
00:22:18,028 --> 00:22:20,273
but it still meant getting in the car.
428
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:23,176
I reckon the problem
is you're both too nice.
429
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,078
Birds don't appreciate it.
430
00:22:25,102 --> 00:22:27,781
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
431
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,249
Walk away.
432
00:22:29,273 --> 00:22:32,318
"Ta-ta, babes, it's been
fun, but your luck's run out.
433
00:22:32,342 --> 00:22:35,071
There's plenty more
nuggets in a family portion,
434
00:22:35,095 --> 00:22:38,408
and I've stuck my toothbrush
in your mug for the last time."
435
00:22:38,432 --> 00:22:41,534
And for those of us whose
first language is English?
436
00:22:43,871 --> 00:22:46,082
Forget it all for a night.
437
00:22:46,106 --> 00:22:49,352
Get out on the pull. Meet
some other girls for a change.
438
00:22:49,376 --> 00:22:51,054
Have a drink, a laugh.
439
00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:53,056
Well, I suppose it can't hurt.
440
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,501
Well, I'm not going.
441
00:22:55,838 --> 00:23:00,712
You sad,
single blokes can fretter your lives away.
442
00:23:00,737 --> 00:23:06,088
But I am a steady family man,
leading a steady family life.
443
00:23:06,425 --> 00:23:08,307
Things, which I can assure you,
444
00:23:08,332 --> 00:23:12,471
I will be pointing out at the
promotion review board, tomorrow
445
00:23:18,862 --> 00:23:22,346
It all happened so quickly, Maggie,
I don't know what to do.
446
00:23:22,378 --> 00:23:23,776
Well, the way I see it,
447
00:23:23,801 --> 00:23:26,925
is this is an opportunity for
you to spread your wings, Pat.
448
00:23:26,950 --> 00:23:28,776
Feel the wind beneath them.
449
00:23:28,801 --> 00:23:32,846
Glory in the forgotten joy
of spontaneity and adventure.
450
00:23:32,908 --> 00:23:35,268
You mean go out and bonk someone,
don't you?
451
00:23:35,300 --> 00:23:36,346
Yeah!
452
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:38,018
Oh, I couldn't do that.
453
00:23:38,043 --> 00:23:39,839
Well, at least have a laugh.
454
00:23:39,864 --> 00:23:43,260
You know, a bop, then a snog,
then a curry, then a cofee,
455
00:23:43,285 --> 00:23:45,948
and if he suggests copulation,
you just call a cab.
456
00:23:47,143 --> 00:23:50,885
It wouldn't work, Maggie.
I've never been any good at meeting blokes.
457
00:23:50,910 --> 00:23:53,135
I was the only girl at Henden
458
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,738
that had a packet of condoms
that was past it's have-it-off-by-date.
459
00:23:57,504 --> 00:23:59,262
I will pick you up at 8.
460
00:24:04,394 --> 00:24:06,785
What are you lurking about for, Kevin?
461
00:24:06,810 --> 00:24:10,730
Oh, just waiting to give you a
sneak-peek at my great big packet.
462
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,152
I'll just speak to your mother!
463
00:24:14,177 --> 00:24:17,512
Yes, well do it if you like, because
I don't care, 'cos she'll be pleased.
464
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:19,082
Because...
465
00:24:21,291 --> 00:24:23,535
An "Abomonizer"!
466
00:24:24,535 --> 00:24:29,488
All I have to do,
is lie on this for a few minutes a day
467
00:24:29,888 --> 00:24:33,848
and I'll look just like her-
Him! him!, him!
468
00:24:33,873 --> 00:24:38,412
Oh yes, in a week or two,
when I'm an enormous bulbous sex-god,
469
00:24:38,490 --> 00:24:41,685
you won't be able to keep
your hands off my lower lumbar.
470
00:24:42,568 --> 00:24:45,779
So watch out, babes.
Because there will be a queue.
471
00:25:16,591 --> 00:25:19,059
Well, well...
Hello.
472
00:25:20,458 --> 00:25:23,083
You are, a pretty little thing,
arent' you?
473
00:25:24,685 --> 00:25:26,841
No, no!
Don't be shy.
474
00:25:26,974 --> 00:25:30,732
You know,
I've had my eye on you for some time.
475
00:25:31,162 --> 00:25:35,552
How could I resist such a
scrummy little honey-bunny?
476
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:38,067
Well, it's very kind of you to say so, sir.
477
00:25:38,092 --> 00:25:41,419
- What in satan's-
- No I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
478
00:25:41,444 --> 00:25:43,677
My heart belongs
to constable Habib.
479
00:25:44,154 --> 00:25:48,146
Goody, what are you doing lurking about,
you foul boy?
480
00:25:48,287 --> 00:25:49,927
I wasn't lurking.
I was just...
481
00:25:49,982 --> 00:25:52,993
doing my exercises,
and you called me a scrummy honey-bunny.
482
00:25:53,018 --> 00:25:55,579
I did not!
I was talking to myself.
483
00:25:55,604 --> 00:25:58,111
Oh well,
nothing like a bit of self confidence.
484
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,025
But, I do know what you mean.
485
00:26:03,208 --> 00:26:07,036
I often stand in front of the mirror,
and feel very sexy.
486
00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:09,958
Sometimes in my underpants.
487
00:26:13,630 --> 00:26:17,012
Lock up your daughters,
Gasforth, we are on our way.
488
00:26:17,037 --> 00:26:19,403
Our lad's night out is sorted.
489
00:26:19,434 --> 00:26:21,997
Armani whistle,
Dior Sauvage after-shave,
490
00:26:22,022 --> 00:26:23,826
hundred quid in fivers, plus...
491
00:26:23,851 --> 00:26:27,076
couple of pound coins for a
packet of three assorted flavours.
492
00:26:27,170 --> 00:26:29,998
Boyle, I have to warn you:
493
00:26:30,037 --> 00:26:35,092
If you are going to chew gum all evening,
I shall thoroughly disapprove.
494
00:26:44,756 --> 00:26:46,381
Wait.
495
00:26:56,592 --> 00:26:58,787
Back of the queue, lads.
496
00:26:58,812 --> 00:27:02,920
Just having a drink, mate, alright.
Sorry, officer. Should have clocked you.
497
00:27:02,945 --> 00:27:05,483
Just one moment, constable Boyle.
498
00:27:05,544 --> 00:27:09,685
You are not on duty. You can't go
flashing your warrant card about.
499
00:27:10,287 --> 00:27:13,475
Come on sir, you have to use
your card on the pull, haven't ya?
500
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,233
It's a bird magnet.
501
00:27:15,568 --> 00:27:18,436
They love it.
Power is an aphrodisiac.
502
00:27:18,467 --> 00:27:20,147
On the pull?
503
00:27:20,185 --> 00:27:22,935
What in the Devil's
trouser-press do you mean?
504
00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:25,982
Well sir, you are aware of
our Community Policing Policy,
505
00:27:26,007 --> 00:27:27,536
as laid out in the
Police Charter?
506
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:28,716
I am.
507
00:27:28,741 --> 00:27:30,660
To be open, courtious and approchable.
508
00:27:30,685 --> 00:27:34,099
And to always respond immediatley to
the needs of the members of the public.
509
00:27:34,124 --> 00:27:36,349
Come in, officer.
Are you gonna buy me a drink, then?
510
00:27:36,374 --> 00:27:39,053
It's a tough job, sir,
but I know my duty.
511
00:27:44,154 --> 00:27:46,310
Put that card away, Goody!
512
00:27:51,451 --> 00:27:53,857
Look, I'm a policeman too.
513
00:27:53,882 --> 00:27:56,396
Lay off that.
Got a card?
514
00:28:26,644 --> 00:28:29,480
Sir, nothing wrong with a little dance.
515
00:28:29,504 --> 00:28:31,749
How can I ask anyone to dance?
516
00:28:31,773 --> 00:28:34,218
It's too noisy to communicate.
517
00:28:34,242 --> 00:28:36,620
You don't have to talk to them.
518
00:28:36,644 --> 00:28:40,658
Just boogie up to them and do this...
519
00:28:40,682 --> 00:28:43,594
If they don't naff off,
you're on for the full portion.
520
00:28:43,618 --> 00:28:46,420
- The what?!
- A nice little dance,
521
00:28:47,442 --> 00:28:49,215
Have a go.
522
00:29:05,651 --> 00:29:07,695
All right, boys, keep it discreet.
523
00:29:07,719 --> 00:29:09,154
Gay night's tuesdays.
524
00:29:15,791 --> 00:29:20,041
I think you've pulled already, sir.
Let's go!
525
00:29:24,099 --> 00:29:26,367
I can't stay long, Maggie.
526
00:29:26,392 --> 00:29:28,737
I'm in a friend's flat
while she's on holiday
527
00:29:28,761 --> 00:29:30,931
and I have to feed Tobby, her stupid dog.
528
00:29:30,964 --> 00:29:33,275
Pat, stop making excuses.
529
00:29:33,299 --> 00:29:35,953
It's a night out. Have a drink,
530
00:29:35,978 --> 00:29:37,579
dance with a bloke or two.
531
00:29:37,603 --> 00:29:39,081
As if anyone would ask me-
532
00:29:39,105 --> 00:29:41,203
And I wouldn't know
what to do if they did.
533
00:29:41,228 --> 00:29:42,918
Don't be overeager.
534
00:29:42,942 --> 00:29:45,020
Just be dead cool and classy.
535
00:29:45,044 --> 00:29:46,956
You know, sophisticated.
536
00:29:46,980 --> 00:29:49,024
Say something like...
537
00:29:49,048 --> 00:29:52,657
"I'd rather bop with the
bits I cut off my dog's bum."
538
00:29:54,020 --> 00:29:56,865
Show them you're a
strong, in-control woman.
539
00:29:56,889 --> 00:29:59,757
Excuse me. Fancy a dance?
540
00:29:59,782 --> 00:30:01,426
Yeah, all right.
541
00:30:06,879 --> 00:30:09,324
That one there might do for you, kev.
542
00:30:09,348 --> 00:30:11,559
I used to know her. Lovely.
543
00:30:11,583 --> 00:30:14,062
Only interested in one thing.
544
00:30:14,086 --> 00:30:15,597
Oh, I see.
545
00:30:15,621 --> 00:30:18,022
A bit boring, is she?
546
00:30:20,492 --> 00:30:23,038
Do you think you could
loosen your grip a bit, pal?
547
00:30:23,062 --> 00:30:26,231
I'd like to keep my knockers
on the outside of my ribcage.
548
00:31:24,583 --> 00:31:26,322
Patricia!
549
00:31:26,347 --> 00:31:29,244
What in the devil's desk
diary are you doing here?
550
00:31:29,545 --> 00:31:31,456
Dancing,
551
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:33,625
if it's any business of yours.
552
00:31:33,649 --> 00:31:35,460
You look-
553
00:31:35,484 --> 00:31:37,462
You look lovely.
554
00:31:37,486 --> 00:31:39,103
Thanks.
555
00:31:39,146 --> 00:31:42,690
Your legs, they're-
they're new, aren't they?
556
00:31:44,060 --> 00:31:46,171
Same ones.
557
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:49,041
Perhaps we could... Dance together?
558
00:31:49,065 --> 00:31:51,908
Well, perhaps just one.
559
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:56,978
I have to get back for Tobby.
560
00:31:57,523 --> 00:32:00,206
Tobby? Who's Tobby?
561
00:32:00,231 --> 00:32:03,698
Sir, sir! Gary says he's
found you a right old slapper
562
00:32:03,723 --> 00:32:05,387
that even you could pull.
563
00:32:09,685 --> 00:32:13,254
- Hello, sergeant Dawkins.
- Goodbye, constable.
564
00:32:15,357 --> 00:32:17,224
Goodbye, inspector!
565
00:32:18,927 --> 00:32:20,828
Who's Tobby?
566
00:32:30,966 --> 00:32:33,577
You know, the
funny thing is I feel great.
567
00:32:33,601 --> 00:32:35,870
Really great.
568
00:32:36,521 --> 00:32:38,866
Liberated.
569
00:32:38,890 --> 00:32:42,335
Patricia's building
a new life with Tobby,
570
00:32:42,359 --> 00:32:44,651
and I'm happy for her.
571
00:32:44,676 --> 00:32:46,663
Really happy.
572
00:32:47,865 --> 00:32:50,700
Did you see all those
beautiful girls tonight?
573
00:32:52,670 --> 00:32:55,406
Talk about plenty more fish in the sea.
574
00:32:56,607 --> 00:32:58,208
Wa-aay!
575
00:33:00,078 --> 00:33:01,711
Woof, woof!
576
00:33:03,048 --> 00:33:05,859
No, I feel great.
577
00:33:05,883 --> 00:33:07,561
A toast-
578
00:33:07,585 --> 00:33:10,364
A toast to feeling great.
579
00:33:10,388 --> 00:33:13,590
Feeling great.
580
00:33:15,988 --> 00:33:19,152
- Are you coming out again tonight, Pat?
- No.
581
00:33:19,177 --> 00:33:23,452
I'm going to eat a bag of cream cakes, drink
half-a-bottle of Baileys, and watch teli.
582
00:33:23,477 --> 00:33:25,422
You miss inspector
Fowler, a lot, don't you?
583
00:33:25,446 --> 00:33:28,592
Him?! That dull, rude, boring,
584
00:33:28,616 --> 00:33:32,228
useless excuse of a man who'd
rather read Biggles than bonk?
585
00:33:32,252 --> 00:33:35,365
Of course I miss him, I love him.
586
00:33:35,389 --> 00:33:39,168
He looked so funny last night
at the disco trying to be trendy.
587
00:33:39,192 --> 00:33:41,738
Oh well, we both made our decisions.
588
00:33:41,762 --> 00:33:44,441
So come on out! Let your guard down.
589
00:33:44,465 --> 00:33:47,133
Let your hair down.
Let your mother down.
590
00:33:48,969 --> 00:33:51,681
No thank you, I don't feel like it.
591
00:33:51,705 --> 00:33:53,683
Besides I have to look after Tobby.
592
00:33:53,707 --> 00:33:57,353
Honestly, it's been such a
comfort having Tobby around.
593
00:33:57,377 --> 00:34:00,356
He's really stopped me being
lonely, especially at night.
594
00:34:00,380 --> 00:34:03,126
He just loves me for who I am, you see?
595
00:34:03,150 --> 00:34:04,761
And actually,
596
00:34:04,785 --> 00:34:07,297
even after only a couple
of days, I think I love him.
597
00:34:07,321 --> 00:34:10,634
Mind you, I'm not saying
he's not a handful, whoo!
598
00:34:10,658 --> 00:34:13,202
He's so rough and physical!
599
00:34:13,226 --> 00:34:16,372
I'll bet when you go home he
just leaps at you, doesn't he?
600
00:34:16,396 --> 00:34:19,409
Yes, he does! I hardly
have time to get my coat off
601
00:34:19,433 --> 00:34:22,368
before he's licking me all over.
602
00:34:23,504 --> 00:34:25,515
Oooh, I know that sort of animal.
603
00:34:25,539 --> 00:34:28,485
Does he want to have his
head in your lap all evening?
604
00:34:28,509 --> 00:34:32,388
All evening, snuffling away.
605
00:34:32,412 --> 00:34:35,826
I tried to say, "no, Tobby!"
606
00:34:35,850 --> 00:34:39,195
But he looks at me with those
big, beautiful, soulful eyes,
607
00:34:39,219 --> 00:34:41,598
his tongue hanging
out. Mind you-
608
00:34:41,622 --> 00:34:43,567
To be honest, he can
be a bit disgusting.
609
00:34:43,591 --> 00:34:46,960
I mean, when he sits in the middle
of the carpet and licks his willy-
610
00:34:52,833 --> 00:34:54,611
Medical emergency on the line-
611
00:34:54,635 --> 00:34:56,145
Potential fatality.
612
00:34:56,169 --> 00:34:57,881
Boyle, can you keep it down?
613
00:34:57,905 --> 00:35:01,417
I'm trying to get through to
the water cooler repairs hotline.
614
00:35:01,441 --> 00:35:05,088
Blimey! "you are in a queue.
All our operators are busy."
615
00:35:05,112 --> 00:35:07,056
What would happen if we tried that, eh?
616
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:11,294
Someone rings up dying-"sorry,
all our officers are busy,
617
00:35:11,318 --> 00:35:12,929
your emergency's in a queue
618
00:35:12,953 --> 00:35:15,321
and we will be doing nothing about it."
619
00:35:18,258 --> 00:35:20,971
- Imagine that?
- Hello? Hello-oo?
620
00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:22,472
Hello!
621
00:35:22,496 --> 00:35:24,007
Oh, finally, right!
622
00:35:24,031 --> 00:35:26,610
My water spout won't spurt.
623
00:35:26,634 --> 00:35:29,479
No, next week is not good enough,
624
00:35:29,503 --> 00:35:31,581
I've got an extremely important
625
00:35:31,605 --> 00:35:33,583
promotions interview this afternoon.
626
00:35:33,607 --> 00:35:35,644
I'm going to look a right dicky doo-dah
627
00:35:35,669 --> 00:35:39,956
with a non-functioning faucet
filtering facility, aren't I?
628
00:35:39,980 --> 00:35:41,290
Thank you!
629
00:35:41,314 --> 00:35:43,370
She's going to give me
instructions over the phone.
630
00:35:43,395 --> 00:35:45,488
Get this down.
631
00:35:45,513 --> 00:35:47,687
"Take your water cooler..." yeah.
632
00:35:49,957 --> 00:35:51,858
"And shove it up your... "
633
00:35:55,605 --> 00:35:57,878
Right!
I'll fix it myself.
634
00:35:59,253 --> 00:36:02,144
Oh, jealousy...
hmm.
635
00:36:02,402 --> 00:36:06,402
The green-eyed monster that
doth mock the meet it feeds on
636
00:36:08,464 --> 00:36:09,753
You know sir,
637
00:36:09,778 --> 00:36:14,058
when a man has stolen your woman,
there is only one thing you can do.
638
00:36:15,050 --> 00:36:17,027
Fight for her.
639
00:36:17,190 --> 00:36:19,143
I mean,
when my lady left me for another man
640
00:36:19,168 --> 00:36:22,660
I went looking for him
and I gave him fair warning.
641
00:36:22,799 --> 00:36:24,909
He left her alone after that.
642
00:36:25,377 --> 00:36:26,909
You threatened to fight him?
643
00:36:27,041 --> 00:36:31,361
No, I told him not to use the potty under her
bed because that's where she kept her teeth.
644
00:36:33,361 --> 00:36:36,923
Well, I shall neither fight
nor lie to win Patricia.
645
00:36:37,252 --> 00:36:39,166
She no longer loves me.
646
00:36:39,198 --> 00:36:40,713
And, that is her right.
647
00:36:40,831 --> 00:36:43,065
She loves...
Tobby.
648
00:36:43,424 --> 00:36:45,601
He gives her everything she needs.
649
00:36:45,633 --> 00:36:47,788
And as long as he looks after her,
650
00:36:47,812 --> 00:36:49,500
and never hurts her,
651
00:36:49,765 --> 00:36:51,922
I have no quarrel with him.
652
00:36:56,625 --> 00:36:59,273
- There's your tea, Pat.
- Thanks.
653
00:37:00,564 --> 00:37:02,008
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
654
00:37:02,032 --> 00:37:04,810
Was there any post for
me? I'm very, very excited.
655
00:37:04,834 --> 00:37:07,246
I've ordered some
weights and some dumbbells
656
00:37:07,270 --> 00:37:08,848
so I can iron my pump.
657
00:37:08,872 --> 00:37:10,940
Oh, right. I was
wondering what this was.
658
00:37:14,937 --> 00:37:16,407
Thanks.
659
00:37:24,813 --> 00:37:26,423
Anyway, so come on,
660
00:37:26,456 --> 00:37:28,300
you were telling me about your new life.
661
00:37:28,324 --> 00:37:30,169
There's not much to tell, really.
662
00:37:30,193 --> 00:37:32,805
How are you getting on with Tobby?
663
00:37:32,829 --> 00:37:35,207
The problem is he can be so rough.
664
00:37:35,231 --> 00:37:38,720
He doesn't know his own strength
sometimes. He nearly knocks me over.
665
00:37:38,745 --> 00:37:40,611
You are not worried
that he would bite you?
666
00:37:40,636 --> 00:37:42,297
Well, I don't think so.
667
00:37:42,322 --> 00:37:46,273
But if I'm late with his dinner he snarls
and growls and looks a bit threatening.
668
00:37:46,298 --> 00:37:48,263
Does he insist on
sleeping with you every night,
669
00:37:48,287 --> 00:37:49,865
even though you don't want him to?
670
00:37:49,889 --> 00:37:51,266
Yes, he does!
671
00:37:51,290 --> 00:37:54,870
I say, "no, Tobby, get out of my bed!"
672
00:37:54,894 --> 00:37:56,138
But before I know it,
673
00:37:56,162 --> 00:37:58,773
he's on top of me all
hot and panting and hairy.
674
00:37:58,797 --> 00:38:00,275
And I have to fight him off.
675
00:38:00,299 --> 00:38:03,278
Patricia! I can remain silent no longer!
676
00:38:03,302 --> 00:38:05,714
- This Tobby is an animal!
- Yes.
677
00:38:05,738 --> 00:38:07,049
If I cannot have you,
678
00:38:07,073 --> 00:38:09,684
then I should at least protect
you from swine like him.
679
00:38:09,708 --> 00:38:12,154
Who is this Tobby? I
shall thrash the monster
680
00:38:12,178 --> 00:38:13,822
to within an inch of his life
681
00:38:13,846 --> 00:38:16,624
- and hang the consequences.
- He's a prize-winning boxer.
682
00:38:16,648 --> 00:38:19,294
Well, I box a little myself.
683
00:38:19,318 --> 00:38:22,764
And I don't care. I love you, Patricia.
684
00:38:22,788 --> 00:38:24,532
I always will.
685
00:38:24,556 --> 00:38:27,369
And if I end up being beaten
to death protecting you
686
00:38:27,393 --> 00:38:28,803
from this filthy pervert,
687
00:38:28,827 --> 00:38:30,438
then I will count my life cheap.
688
00:38:30,462 --> 00:38:33,408
Oh, Raymond! God, I love you.
689
00:38:33,432 --> 00:38:36,634
- What about Tobby?
- Tobby's a dog.
690
00:38:38,170 --> 00:38:40,582
Oh, I see.
691
00:38:40,606 --> 00:38:43,451
Oh, Raymond, you wanted to be so brave,
692
00:38:43,475 --> 00:38:46,288
so strong. Let's start all over,
693
00:38:46,312 --> 00:38:49,291
rekindle our romance, do
all the things we never did.
694
00:38:49,315 --> 00:38:53,195
Yes, let's start with a half of
mackeson at the "Frog and Truncheon."
695
00:38:53,219 --> 00:38:56,331
Yes- and see how
we go from there.
696
00:38:56,355 --> 00:38:58,632
Sir, you can't go out boozing now!
697
00:38:58,657 --> 00:39:01,169
The people from the promotion
board'll be here any minute.
698
00:39:01,193 --> 00:39:03,838
Oh dear, yes...
699
00:39:03,862 --> 00:39:05,640
No.
700
00:39:05,664 --> 00:39:07,576
Kindly inform them
701
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,245
that I have more important
matters to attend to.
702
00:39:10,269 --> 00:39:12,880
There's always next year.
703
00:39:12,904 --> 00:39:14,705
Come along, Patricia.
704
00:39:21,147 --> 00:39:23,325
Right, Boyle, this is it.
705
00:39:23,349 --> 00:39:26,328
New suit, new tie.
706
00:39:26,352 --> 00:39:29,731
Very hoity, very toity.
707
00:39:29,755 --> 00:39:32,834
Got Tina to iron my socks.
708
00:39:32,858 --> 00:39:36,405
Even managed to fix my spout.
709
00:39:36,429 --> 00:39:38,073
They won't interview
710
00:39:38,097 --> 00:39:40,642
A smarter officer than me this week.
711
00:39:40,666 --> 00:39:42,844
Oh yes, very nice.
712
00:39:42,868 --> 00:39:46,214
Sir, the people from the
promotion board are here.
713
00:39:46,238 --> 00:39:48,473
Right. This is it.
714
00:39:50,976 --> 00:39:53,055
Just refresh myself
715
00:39:53,079 --> 00:39:56,714
with a nice cup of ice
cold water from the cooler.
716
00:40:00,111 --> 00:40:01,945
And in I go.
717
00:40:04,856 --> 00:40:07,035
I think you'll agree I look...
718
00:40:07,059 --> 00:40:09,104
rather eye-catching.
719
00:40:09,128 --> 00:40:11,417
You certainly do, inspector.
720
00:40:11,669 --> 00:40:13,136
Good luck.