1 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,218 So, you want to be a secretary for a talent manager. 2 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:11,762 - Yes. Very much. - Great. 3 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,765 You're up. 4 00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:16,726 - Excuse me? - Go ahead. I'm all ears. 5 00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:19,729 Oh. Well, what would you like to know? 6 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,732 Give me a minute. 7 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:32,450 Do you have a natural flair for meticulous organization? 8 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,868 I'd say yes. Yes, I do. 9 00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,953 Great. 10 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,916 You excuse me again? 11 00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:49,800 Can you always be depended upon to do what you say you'll do? 12 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,052 - Yes, certainly. - Fantastic. [chuckles softly] 13 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,848 Perhaps you'd like to see my résumé? 14 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:58,476 Excellent, yes, let's take a gander. 15 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,478 Three pages, huh? 16 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:01,645 - Mm-hmm. - [snorts] 17 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,064 Come on. Some of this is bullshit, right? 18 00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,483 Then I went to Brooklyn College, 19 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,942 where I got my B.A. in English literature. 20 00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:08,611 Very good. 21 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:11,530 And... why do you want to work here? 22 00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,491 Many reasons. But first and foremost, I'm excited 23 00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:15,367 to get in on the ground floor of a growing business. 24 00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:16,911 Growing business. 25 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,914 Okay, that's putting a shit-ton of pressure on me. 26 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:22,082 Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me? 27 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:24,627 Um, what will a typical workday look like? 28 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:28,088 Will you excuse me a minute? 29 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,591 Every one of these broads, they can type, 30 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,844 they graduated from someplace, they sit nice. 31 00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:36,388 I got this book with questions to ask. It's no fucking help. 32 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:37,973 All the girls give the same answer, 33 00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:39,934 because they all probably got a fucking book, too. 34 00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:41,393 You ever hire anybody? 35 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:42,728 - Sure, lots of people. - Well, what kind of stuff 36 00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:44,021 do you ask, so you know who to pick? 37 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,940 That depends. You got to tailor the questions 38 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,107 to the specific job. 39 00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:48,400 Yeah. How, Fred? How? 40 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,402 Well, when I hired a guy to paint my apartment, 41 00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:52,655 - I asked if he had a ten-foot ladder. - Okay. 42 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,949 But I didn't ask that when I hired my tax guy 43 00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,201 or the girl to get my brother laid after his divorce. 44 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,869 You don't need a ladder for those jobs. 45 00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:01,497 Fred, did you ever hire anybody at William Morris 46 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,916 in a professional, show-business capacity? 47 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,000 Not per se. 48 00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,252 - I'm hanging up. - Wait. 49 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,546 You should definitely see how the person chews. 50 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,172 - What? - I'm serious. 51 00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:12,132 You're going to be in close quarters with this girl, 52 00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:15,052 with snacks and whatnot, munching and crunching, 53 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,262 day in, day out. 54 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,014 If they chew loud, you're doomed. 55 00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:21,141 My shorthand is excellent, and I type 70 words per minute. 56 00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,185 - Mm-hmm. - I'm friendly but I'm firm. 57 00:02:23,269 --> 00:02:25,229 Your time is precious, and I'll be the gatekeeper. 58 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,273 There will be no unwarranted interruptions. 59 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,899 Yes, that is all very interesting. 60 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,359 Very interesting. 61 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,319 Hey, you hungry? 62 00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:34,613 - Uh, no, not really. - 'Cause I was about to eat this, but now... 63 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:35,865 why don't you have it? 64 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,449 Thank you, no, I just had lunch. 65 00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:38,909 I'll cut it up for you. I got a pocketknife. 66 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,244 That's very nice, but really, no. 67 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:41,620 Oh, come on, it's nice and crispy. 68 00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,163 To be honest, I'm actually allergic... 69 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:44,748 Eat the fucking apple! 70 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,458 ♪ ♪ 71 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,472 [frustrated grunt] 72 00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,983 - Papa, are you up? - Who is it? 73 00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:12,318 It's me, Abe. 74 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,153 - It's not you. - [knocking] 75 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,698 - Stop that, please. - It's not me. 76 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,074 Did I wake you? 77 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,951 Sorry, I figured you'd be reading. 78 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,953 Your mother made me turn out my light. 79 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,371 Now, what is it? 80 00:03:24,455 --> 00:03:26,457 I need some help, but I'll ask you tomorrow. 81 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,083 No, it's fine. I was just lying there 82 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,127 thinking about how she made me turn out my light. 83 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,171 I just can't get my checkbook to balance, 84 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,423 - and it's driving me crazy. - What's going on? 85 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,175 Nothing. Miriam can't balance her checkbook. 86 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,135 Why on earth would you have her doing that 87 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,512 - in the middle of the night, Abe? - I live in a Dr. Seuss book. 88 00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:42,348 I'm sorry I got you up. Back to bed, you two. 89 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,433 - Night night. - I can't sleep when your father's just lying there 90 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,393 thinking about how I made him turn out the light. 91 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,687 - Then let me turn on my light. - Fine, I'll sleep on the couch. 92 00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:51,148 Do not sleep on the couch. It wears out the cushions faster 93 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:55,319 - than just everyday sitting. - Then I'm going back to bed. 94 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,279 [sighs] Where's the checkbook? 95 00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:58,822 In the kitchen. 96 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,866 It's been weeks. You have to stop fighting. 97 00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:02,826 Who's fighting? I'm simply recalibrating 98 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,912 my entire relationship with your mother 99 00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,164 based on information she previously chose to keep secret 100 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,582 for 35 years. 101 00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:11,210 Okay. Could you stop that, then? 102 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,212 It comes out different every time. 103 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,673 - Always terrible but never the same. - Ugh. 104 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,133 What's this? 105 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,177 Is it better if it's a one or a seven? 106 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,054 It's less bad if it's a seven. 107 00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,722 Call it a seven. 108 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,766 And this is what you're getting paid 109 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,893 for selling all that Tupperware? 110 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:30,270 It's no way to get rich, but I did win an aquarium. 111 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:33,065 Which has been surprisingly expensive to maintain. 112 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:36,276 I sold the most pastel Wonderliers in my region. 113 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,446 - Mm-hmm. - I also won those toasters and a salad spinner. 114 00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,365 And surely you've seen the two large dalmatians 115 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,866 in our living room. 116 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:46,996 Do you think Joel could try to contribute a little more? 117 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,456 He's doing everything he can, Papa. 118 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,708 [sighs] Well... 119 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,627 There's your balance. 120 00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:56,046 Uh, that's if the number was a seven. 121 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,632 And that's if it was a one. 122 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:01,218 I think even Ethan could have helped you. 123 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,055 Thanks, Papa. Really. 124 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:07,725 Could I bring my book in here and read? 125 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,476 Sure. 126 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104 I'll forgive your mother in the morning. 127 00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,982 For God's sake, the woman owns a Chanel sleep mask. 128 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,321 [phone ringing] 129 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,409 [ringing continues] 130 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,290 Looks like it's gonna be four debates. 131 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,708 Kennedy-Nixon? 132 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,251 - He's such a creep. - Which one? 133 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,295 Nixon. Mei. 134 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,629 They both have skeletons. 135 00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:38,797 You are not voting for Nixon. 136 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,507 I am not voting for Nixon. 137 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:41,884 He looks like he eats children. 138 00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,093 - [ringing continues] - Thank you. 139 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,386 - [knocking] - Ethan wants 140 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,221 one of these Etch A Sketch things, 141 00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,682 but they're $2.99, and he'll break it in, like, a day. 142 00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,184 - [knocking] - What's an Etch A Sketch? 143 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,935 - [doorbell buzzing] - You draw on the screen with the knobs, 144 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,897 - then you shake it, and the picture erases. - What's the point of that? 145 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,608 - [ringing, knocking, buzzing] - To teach kids that nothing lasts. 146 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,942 - Joel! - What? 147 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,611 You're not even gonna answer the door? 148 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,071 - Nah. - Come on! 149 00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:03,697 - [buzzing] - We discussed this. 150 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,574 It could be another one of Ma's girls. 151 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,660 - If I open it, I'm as good as engaged. - It could be a delivery. 152 00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,037 - They'll leave it. - Someone could steal it. 153 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,288 - [knocking] - Nothing lasts. 154 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,289 What do you do at the club? 155 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,457 - Shh. - Why? 156 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,084 In case they're listening at the door. 157 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,294 If the phone rings at the club, you have to answer it. 158 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,338 People want to come in, you have to let them in. 159 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,423 There's a protocol for women of childbearing age. 160 00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,634 If they want to talk to me, Mrs. Moskowitz screens them 161 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,219 with a series of discreet questions. 162 00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,221 - Oh, my God. - The system's worked for weeks. 163 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264 - Why question it now? - Because it's demented. 164 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,891 - [phone ringing] - Because it's... 165 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,601 Aah! I'll do it! 166 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,269 - Do what? - I'll meet your parents. 167 00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,479 Just answer the phone! 168 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,940 - No. We can wait my mother out. - We can't. 169 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,359 We can. She's getting older. She has limited wind. 170 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,860 We need our lives back, Joel. 171 00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,904 - My life is fine. - Well, mine isn't. 172 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,489 This is dumb. I mean, you said it. 173 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:48,033 - [phone ringing] - We're in a... a... 174 00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:49,868 Relationship. 175 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,245 Yes. That. Sure. 176 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:52,663 They have to know. 177 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,749 Make a date. End the madness. 178 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:56,917 I'll just move again. 179 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,752 A moving target will confuse her. 180 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:00,629 - [hangs up phone] - [ringing stops] 181 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,092 Set it up. Today. 182 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,136 I'll be at the movies. 183 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,099 Just in case. 184 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,018 [elevator bell dings] 185 00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,232 Susie? Oh. Sorry. 186 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,109 I just need to talk to you when you're done. 187 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,902 - No, now's a good time. - Should I wait outside? 188 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,529 Nah. You ain't getting the job. 189 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,865 - Oh. Okay, thank you. - No. Thank you. 190 00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:31,660 - What's with your phone? - Nothing. Why? 191 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,705 - I've been calling all morning. All you get is a busy signal. - Shit. 192 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,915 You need a secretary. 193 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,083 What do you think that was? 194 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,877 [grunts] What's up? 195 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,587 - This. - What is that? 196 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:45,382 This is my invitation to Shy Baldwin's wedding. 197 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,967 Why the fuck would you be invited 198 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,094 - to Shy Baldwin's wedding? - You tell me. 199 00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,971 I don't know. They're working off an old list? 200 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:54,391 - Then you would've been invited. - And I was not invited. 201 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,019 - Susie. - I guess I was invited. 202 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:59,271 Why the hell was I invited to Shy Baldwin's wedding? 203 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,315 And it's three days from now. 204 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:02,900 Basic wedding etiquette dictates invitations go out 205 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,068 45 days prior to the event, at a minimum. 206 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,486 I'm sorry, you're offended that you were invited 207 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,697 at the last minute to a wedding you don't want to go to? 208 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,698 Yes. Who wouldn't be? 209 00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:11,450 - Me. - And not only am I not going, 210 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,243 I'm RSVPing "yes" and then not going, 211 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,703 just to screw up his count. 212 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:15,996 You're a monster. 213 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165 That thing's a waste of a nice gilded edge. 214 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,709 You know what? Maybe we should go. 215 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,712 - Go? Are you kidding me? - There's no way 216 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,505 there's not an open bar, some good food. 217 00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:26,924 You are not serious. 218 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,217 He kind of owes us, you know? 219 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,426 You could get your picture taken there, 220 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,803 get some good exposure and some good cake. 221 00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,556 I am kind of curious to see the whole spectacle. 222 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,559 And I am really curious to drink a lot of free booze. 223 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:40,812 Did you see that? 224 00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,481 - See what? - So you didn't? - The smoke? 225 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:44,233 - So you did. - I did. 226 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,235 - Damn. Damn it. - Were we not supposed to? 227 00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,320 Of course you were, but not then. Later. 228 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,780 [yells] 229 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:50,989 It's no good! I can't... 230 00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:52,532 What was I... How am I supposed... 231 00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:54,076 Breathe it out. 232 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,954 It was on four, not three. Just have to remember to count. 233 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,331 [takes deep breath] I'll just try it again. 234 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,462 I'm looking pretty good to you right now, aren't I? 235 00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:12,427 I got a net. I should save for Ethan? 236 00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:14,179 We have saying back home: 237 00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:17,724 "Never too early for child to learn how to bury." 238 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:21,812 Mm. Let's just flush him and let his memory be a blessing. 239 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,439 Do we have any matches, Zelda? This is dangerous. 240 00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:27,567 I saw Miss Miriam has matches in her bedroom. I'll get them. 241 00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,988 - [phone ringing] - I'll get it, Zelda. 242 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,493 - Weissman residence. - [woman speaking faintly on phone] 243 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,620 Mm, this is she. 244 00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:43,125 Well, of course. 245 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,502 I'd be very happy to meet with Mr. Melamid. 246 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,298 Certainly, any time he'd like. 247 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:51,591 Today's fine. 248 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,469 Half an hour. I can be ready by then. 249 00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:57,347 It's 385 Riverside Drive in Manhattan. 250 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,640 [woman] Thank you so much. 251 00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:00,517 You're welcome. Thank you. 252 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,977 Goodbye. 253 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,690 As it turns out, I don't have time for tea after all. 254 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,608 There's a car coming for me. 255 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,610 I have business in Scarsdale. 256 00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,946 Please tell Mr. Weissman when he comes home. 257 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:16,658 Okay, I'll tell him you went outside to do your business. 258 00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,828 I'll just leave a note. 259 00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:21,663 [♪ Doris Day: "Nice Work if You Can Get It"] 260 00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:25,375 ♪ Holding hands at midnight ♪ 261 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:29,046 ♪ 'Neath the starry sky ♪ 262 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,258 ♪ Nice work if you can get ♪ 263 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,010 ♪ And you can get it ♪ 264 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,553 ♪ If you try ♪ 265 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,430 - Just over there, ma'am. - Thank you. 266 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,098 ♪ Strolling with... 267 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,933 Mrs. Weissman. 268 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,311 Solomon Melamid. 269 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,396 I'd, uh, shake your hand, but mine is... 270 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,690 - straight from the horse's mouth, shall we say. - [laughs] 271 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,359 - Anyway, welcome. - Rose Weissman. 272 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:51,735 - [neighs] - It's a pleasure. 273 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,278 Cut it out, Zephaniah. 274 00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,905 Don't let him scare you. 275 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,115 Oh, it takes more than a little showing off to do that. 276 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,701 I grew up with horses. In Oklahoma. 277 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,953 - And I see you wore sensible shoes. - Well, there's nothing elegant 278 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:04,456 about landing on your backside in the mud, is there? 279 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,625 I can tell, you know a thing or two. 280 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,043 Join me in a walk? 281 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,753 - [loud neighing] - Now, that... 282 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:10,837 [man] Whoa, boy! 283 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:13,715 ...is Copper Jack, my prize stallion. 284 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:17,094 A stable boy walked a mare past his stall this morning. 285 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,179 Poor devil got a whiff, and he hasn't been able 286 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:21,890 - to calm himself since. - Hmm. Your house, my goodness, 287 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,976 it's even more stunning than it looked in Town and Country. 288 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,229 My great-grandfather had it built in 1840. 289 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,398 We throw on another wing from time to time-- 290 00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:31,066 birthdays, Hanukkah. 291 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,068 Hmm, your family's in the railroad business. 292 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,071 Railroad, shipping, steel. We're eyeing aviation. 293 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,532 Innovation's key. Stagnation is death. 294 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,534 You're a businesswoman; you know all this. 295 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,786 - Oh, yes, I am. I do. - [chuckles] 296 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,621 Mrs. Weissman, I wanted to meet you, 297 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:48,041 because your impressive match for my lawyer's daughter 298 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,876 did not escape my notice. 299 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,711 Norma and Lorraine, my two daughters, 300 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,047 are 31 and 32 years old. 301 00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:55,132 Oh! 302 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,175 - Uh, sorry. - No, don't be. 303 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,177 Their mother cries herself to sleep every night 304 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,887 wondering where she went wrong. 305 00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,806 Well, you've come to the right place. 306 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,641 Trees with a few more rings on them 307 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,601 happen to be a specialty of mine. 308 00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:07,686 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 309 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:08,854 That's good to hear. 310 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,147 [loud neighing] 311 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,815 I think we're gonna have to give him Starlight 312 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,233 just to calm him down. 313 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,444 Horses are easy. 314 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,237 You throw them together, a little noise, 315 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,490 maybe a stall door needs repairing, and that's that. 316 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,701 If only it were as simple with daughters. 317 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,495 - Tell me about them, your girls. - Well... 318 00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,497 Norma has a penchant for stable boys. 319 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:29,708 - She's the Starlight of the family. - I see. 320 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,835 Lorraine, the younger one, she got kicked in the head 321 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,254 by a horse as a child, so she's an easy mark. 322 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,715 We've had a lot of schemers and gigolos who look at Lorraine 323 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:38,884 and see the goose that laid the golden egg. 324 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,428 - [chuckles] She almost married an actor. - Heavens. 325 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:44,973 I got him a job on the road promoting Ford Thunderbirds. 326 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,142 He's in Alaska as we speak. 327 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,436 But they aren't all so easily disposed of. 328 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,480 You just need someone to screen out the schemers 329 00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,482 and find the man who will love Lorraine 330 00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:55,609 for who she is and not what she has. 331 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,819 And I need to be able to bring my daughters' husbands 332 00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,988 into the family business. They can't be idiots, 333 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,574 - or obvious idiots. - Well, Mr. Melamid, 334 00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:04,868 I assure you I can find some very nice men 335 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,536 who are not obviously idiots 336 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,997 and will make Norma and Lorraine very happy. 337 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,207 Oh, yes. 338 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,125 Happy, that would be good, too. 339 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:14,503 Not a deal breaker, but a nice bonus. 340 00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:16,630 Mrs. Weissman, I am appointing you 341 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:20,175 director of the nearly bankrupt division of Melamid Industries 342 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,552 known as my daughters' marital prospects. 343 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:24,596 Good luck. And if it's any incentive, 344 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:28,391 the extended Melamid family is large, rich and homely, 345 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,436 so there could be a lot of Melamid matches in your future. 346 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,438 Well, then I'd better get right to work. 347 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,565 Where are Norma and Lorraine now? 348 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,733 In the city. 349 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,443 They live together there like a pair of ex-nuns. 350 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,654 I'll set up meetings right away to get to know them. 351 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:43,281 Please tell Mrs. Melamid I said she should start thinking 352 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,741 about the centerpieces. 353 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,159 One more thing. 354 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,161 Respectability is of the utmost importance 355 00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,496 to the Melamid family. 356 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:52,707 We value decency, dignity and discretion, 357 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,877 and we assume you and your family do as well. 358 00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:58,547 - Yes, of course, Mr. Melamid. - Good. 359 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,465 Call me Solomon. 360 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:01,841 John! 361 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,594 Send Edgar to give Mrs. Weissman a tour. 362 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,221 Make sure you see the swans. 363 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,848 They are bastards but they are beautiful. 364 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,314 [door closes] 365 00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:18,567 Hello? 366 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,694 Is anybody home? 367 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,530 Miriam? 368 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:25,615 [man] [in distance] Ice cream, get your ice cream here. 369 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:26,825 [children's chatter in distance] 370 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,452 [man] I got chocolate, I got vanilla. 371 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,538 [man continues indistinctly] 372 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,482 [children's chatter continues in distance] 373 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,665 ♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, ba-dop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪ 374 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:19,586 ♪ She was afraid to come out of the locker ♪ 375 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,506 ♪ She was as nervous as she could be ♪ 376 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,342 ♪ She was afraid to come out... 377 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,261 - You're late. - It's my chauffeur. He fired himself. 378 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,388 [whispers] I had to take a cab. 379 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,349 - Okay, so... - Did you hear what I said? 380 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,184 A taxicab. 381 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,562 Susie... I'm exhausted. 382 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,022 I had to hail it myself. 383 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,107 I had to put my arm up in the air, 384 00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:44,444 I had to leave it there until the cab pulled over. 385 00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:47,280 I had to open my own door. I had to duck down... 386 00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:49,324 It sounds harrowing, but it's over. Now focus. 387 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,742 - Mm. - Look over there. 388 00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,953 That is Mike Carr. He books The Gordon Ford Show. 389 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,164 Hmm, not unattractive. 390 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,458 You are not gonna fuck him. You're gonna meet with him. 391 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,502 Now, I got to make sure you are ready for this. 392 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,337 Let me see your eyes. 393 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,255 Well, at least they're spinning in the same direction. 394 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,257 Did you take your meds, or stop taking them, 395 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:09,177 - whichever makes you less nuts? - Yes, both. 396 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,429 Because if you screw this up, all that's left for you 397 00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:14,641 is to be my secretary, and you'd be a lousy secretary. 398 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,142 Now, come on. 399 00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:21,064 ♪ It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot... 400 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,941 Mike Carr? Susie Myerson. 401 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,859 Finally. I was about to leave. 402 00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:26,528 You would've missed out on the meeting of a lifetime. 403 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,155 When I went to a bullfight with Hemingway, 404 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,949 that was the meeting of a lifetime. 405 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,617 I don't know what the fuck this is. 406 00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:35,120 Then, let me introduce you to the goddamn living legend, 407 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:36,913 Sophie Lennon. Sophie, Mike. 408 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,081 I started out with ten minutes for you. 409 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,874 I waited seven, so now I have three. 410 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,960 - I like him. - Great. Sit. 411 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,797 Ooh! [groans] 412 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,006 You okay? 413 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,175 Have you ever taken a cab? 414 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:50,719 Ignore her. 415 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,512 Mike, when's your birthday? 416 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,764 Day before Christmas. It's a fucking curse. 417 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,141 How would you like it to be next week? 418 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,600 What's the angle here? 419 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,310 I thought you said no sex. 420 00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,479 What I am offering you today is a gift. 421 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,274 An unprecedented interview with the great Sophie Lennon. 422 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,775 Unprecedented? 423 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,652 She's been on every goddamn talk show in the country. 424 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,696 I have. I've been on Sullivan nine times. 425 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,656 Yeah, I heard about you being "on Sullivan." 426 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,450 He said he was leaving his wife. 427 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,201 I am not talking about some run-of-the-mill interview. 428 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,578 Is that what you think Gordon does? 429 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,121 Run-of-the-mill interviews? 430 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,957 - [chuckling] Mike. - Keep walking. 431 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,834 - Mike, listen... - There's no heat on her. 432 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,003 Okay? It'd be like booking an iceberg, sorry. 433 00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,338 - And I accept your apology. - Don't talk. 434 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,216 Mike, just listen to me. This woman here, 435 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,843 she had a nervous breakdown. 436 00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:33,386 - That's your pitch? - She went from being 437 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,263 the highest-paid comedian in this business 438 00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:37,474 to a punch line herself in one fucking night. 439 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,975 Complete career suicide. 440 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,602 You telling me that story doesn't interest you? 441 00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,937 Well, sure, but we can't talk about that shit on the show. 442 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,522 - Why not? - Because you can't. 443 00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:45,857 Who says? 444 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,276 I don't know, uh... America? 445 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:49,861 Fuck America. 446 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,696 You book Sophie on that show, she will give Gordon 447 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,490 the kind of interview no other star 448 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,283 in her right mind would ever agree to. 449 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,243 I am not in my right mind, that is true. 450 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,537 - She's got stories, Mike. - So? 451 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,748 My mother has stories. I wouldn't book her, either. 452 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:04,125 Who'd you have on the show last night, Mike? 453 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,586 Let me answer that-- a blonde starlet 454 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,379 and a boring-ass director. 455 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,048 The night before that, a red-headed starlet 456 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,716 and a boring-ass novelist. 457 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,635 And they're all plugging something. 458 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,887 They talk about their shitty movie or their boring book, 459 00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,264 how everyone they work with is a genius 460 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,517 and how everybody in Hollywood is best friends. 461 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,811 And maybe they throw in a semi-embarrassing story 462 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:24,604 about getting locked out of their house, 463 00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:26,272 wearing only a towel, then you go 464 00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,774 to a commercial, sell some cigarettes. 465 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,109 Well, Sophie Lennon has fuck-all to plug. 466 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:31,986 She's got nothing to lose. 467 00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:35,406 So she is gonna open up her walk-in closet of skeletons 468 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,660 and introduce them all to the world in living color. 469 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:40,078 And her publicist isn't gonna stop her 470 00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:41,579 'cause her publicist quit last week. 471 00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:43,915 It's risky. 472 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,792 If it's a disaster, I'm the one that goes down. 473 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,169 Gordon's been stuck at number two since the beginning. 474 00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,380 He does something ballsy like this? 475 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,173 He's number one and you're the one 476 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:53,842 who made him number one. 477 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,677 If it doesn't work, sure, it's your ass. 478 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,388 But if he stays number two, aren't you getting fired anyway? 479 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,764 [indistinct chatter] 480 00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:01,307 Give me a card. 481 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,184 Got one right here. 482 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,562 Uh, wait, I got a... [clears throat] new number. 483 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,316 And the printer fucked up. There's no "Q" in "Myerson." 484 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,402 Stay by your phone. 485 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,865 Did that go well or badly? 486 00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,325 I do not think you're gonna need to be my secretary. 487 00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:21,494 [sighs] 488 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,538 - [light jazz music playing] - [crowd cheering] 489 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,009 [men clamoring] 490 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,111 What would you like to drink? 491 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,030 Very cold water, please. 492 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,865 You get water, I still have to charge you. 493 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,658 And there's a two-drink minimum. 494 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,369 Water... and two sherries. 495 00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,559 [audience cheering] 496 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,778 Bubble, bubble, 497 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,364 toil and trouble. 498 00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,199 Ooh! 499 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,534 Everyone nice and lubricated out there? 500 00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:45,536 [audience cheering] 501 00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:46,871 How you doing in the cheap seats? 502 00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:48,456 - [man] All right! - All right. 503 00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,750 Now I just want you to think about something. 504 00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:52,418 Especially you with your hand 505 00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,671 precariously close to your crotch there. 506 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,966 Every girl you see working tonight, 507 00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:00,635 - shaking their moneymakers... - [cheering] 508 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:03,388 - has a father. - [audience groaning] 509 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,264 That's right, me, too. I have a father. 510 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:06,683 Goes by Abraham. 511 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,268 He thought I'd grow up to be the perfect lady. 512 00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,604 And here I am, slinging dick jokes 513 00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,272 in a strip club to a bunch of drunk men 514 00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,816 with various degrees of syphilis. 515 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,442 So happy Father's Day! 516 00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:19,362 - [laughter] - [applause] 517 00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,448 [yawns] 518 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,335 You're home late. 519 00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:36,671 - You're up late. - Where have you been? 520 00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:38,548 We went out to get something to eat after work. 521 00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,216 - We? - Me and Susie. 522 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,968 Oh, so no boyfriend. 523 00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:43,344 Well, if you squint. 524 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,430 Late-night dining sounds very glamorous. 525 00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,016 I ate my grilled cheese with my pinkie up. 526 00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:49,392 Where are you going? 527 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:50,935 You're certainly not gonna eat again, are you? 528 00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,186 You'll lose your figure. 529 00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:53,479 Then you'll never get a boyfriend. 530 00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:57,233 I already have a shadow, Mama. 531 00:21:58,151 --> 00:22:00,194 There's something I need to discuss with you. 532 00:22:00,278 --> 00:22:01,946 Something that can't wait till morning? 533 00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:03,322 I'm exhausted. 534 00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:05,491 It's 5:00 a.m. It is morning. 535 00:22:05,575 --> 00:22:06,993 This is me 536 00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,745 falling asleep on the counter. 537 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,329 I have a new matchmaking client. 538 00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:13,458 Solomon Melamid, of the Melamids. 539 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,793 - Are you listening? - Uh-huh, Mallomars. 540 00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,420 Melamids. 541 00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:20,131 Miriam, wake up. This is important. 542 00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:22,508 He has two unmarried daughters and he's richer than God. 543 00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,469 Sounds great. Mallomars sound better, but... 544 00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:26,554 He's a very important man. 545 00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:28,473 - He's very concerned about discretion. - Uh-huh. 546 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,142 And I have promised him that I am nothing if not discreet. 547 00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:33,603 - I will do nothing to embarrass him. -Uh-huh. 548 00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:35,063 I won't. 549 00:22:35,146 --> 00:22:36,647 However... 550 00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:40,443 What? 551 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,951 I'm thinking things are gonna get a little loud. 552 00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:50,953 I don't want to wake the kids. 553 00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,209 You were saying? 554 00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:57,919 Your career thing. 555 00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,670 - Yep. - It's a problem. 556 00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:01,255 Mallomars don't like jokes? 557 00:23:01,339 --> 00:23:03,800 Well, they don't like strip clubs. 558 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,094 You've been hiding it from us, so you must understand 559 00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,720 - where they're coming from. - Where'd you get that? 560 00:23:07,804 --> 00:23:09,055 Your room. It's full of them. 561 00:23:09,138 --> 00:23:10,515 You're snooping in my room, 562 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:12,058 like I'm 15? 563 00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,185 No, you didn't lie and sneak around when you were 15. 564 00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:15,853 I never lied about the club. 565 00:23:15,937 --> 00:23:17,438 I just didn't tell you the details. 566 00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:19,065 I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. 567 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:20,942 A rubber girdle is uncomfortable. 568 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,985 Stumbling onto a box of newspaper clippings 569 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,570 linking your daughter to a strip club 570 00:23:24,654 --> 00:23:26,322 for all the world to see is excruciating! 571 00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:29,492 It's pretty hard to stumble onto a locked box in a closed drawer. 572 00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:31,077 So you were hiding it. 573 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,745 No. I wasn't hiding my box 574 00:23:32,829 --> 00:23:35,123 of my clippings in my apartment. 575 00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:36,207 You mean the apartment your father 576 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:37,208 and I bought back for you. 577 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:38,292 That's your cover story 578 00:23:38,376 --> 00:23:39,293 for something you're hiding. 579 00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:40,419 Well, it's not a cover story 580 00:23:40,503 --> 00:23:41,838 if you don't use it consistently. 581 00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:43,631 Yes, I am working at a strip club. 582 00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:46,008 - So you're a stripper? - No, I am a comic. 583 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,386 Solomon Melamid will think you are a stripper. 584 00:23:48,469 --> 00:23:50,304 Well, then he'll be very disappointed by my act. 585 00:23:50,388 --> 00:23:51,681 Miriam, hear me. 586 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,808 There are dozens of rich, homely girls 587 00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,434 in the Melamid clan. 588 00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:58,146 And all four of Solomon Melamid's sisters are widows. 589 00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,189 Suspicious? Fine. I don't care. 590 00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:01,983 This large, sad family is a cash cow, 591 00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:03,317 and I want to milk it. 592 00:24:03,401 --> 00:24:05,403 Who's stopping you? Grab a pail. 593 00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:06,946 I can't because my daughter's a stripper. 594 00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:09,574 Are we really gonna do this again? 595 00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:11,659 What else do I call a woman who performs at a strip club? 596 00:24:11,742 --> 00:24:13,494 An emcee, a comic, 597 00:24:13,578 --> 00:24:15,371 a jokester, a card, 598 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,998 a gagster, a wag, a wit... 599 00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,083 Would you go to a dentist whose office was in a whorehouse? 600 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,002 Okay, the sun is coming up 601 00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:22,795 and I have to talk to Ethan's teacher at 8:00 about the odds 602 00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:24,338 of him getting out of kindergarten on the first try, 603 00:24:24,422 --> 00:24:25,923 so let's wrap this up. 604 00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:27,425 What do you want me to do here, Mama? 605 00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:30,595 - Quit. - No. I am a comedian. 606 00:24:30,678 --> 00:24:32,013 Well, comedian somewhere else. 607 00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:34,098 The Wolford pays me. 608 00:24:34,182 --> 00:24:37,018 It's regular money and I can do my act the way I want. 609 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:38,477 Why not just go back to the Gashole? 610 00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,563 The Gaslight. That's a basket house. 611 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:42,273 There's no money there. 612 00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,442 I don't see how Mallomar's even gonna find out about this. 613 00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:45,610 He'll read about you in the paper. 614 00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:47,778 I doubt he reads L. Roy Dunham. 615 00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:49,238 Mr. Melamid reads everything. 616 00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:51,532 Well, even if he does, we have different names. 617 00:24:51,616 --> 00:24:54,577 - Weissman, Maisel. - L. Roy Dunham is a journalist. 618 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,579 He will track down your identity and he will eventually print it. 619 00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,664 Well, que será, será. 620 00:24:58,748 --> 00:25:01,250 Miriam, my job is very important to me. 621 00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,628 I could be on the verge of something very big here. 622 00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:07,131 Me, too. 623 00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:14,889 ♪ ♪ 624 00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:20,019 - [laughter] - [indistinct chatter] 625 00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,379 Shit. 626 00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:48,756 Yeah. It's fucking fabulous. 627 00:26:00,768 --> 00:26:02,270 Here. 628 00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:05,439 You kind of fucked up the floral arrangement there. 629 00:26:08,693 --> 00:26:11,821 [grunts] There, now it's truly fucked up. 630 00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:13,447 We're off to a productive start. 631 00:26:13,531 --> 00:26:15,533 - Bar? - Bar. 632 00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:23,958 [bartender] What can I get for you? 633 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:25,793 What's your most expensive Scotch? 634 00:26:25,876 --> 00:26:27,503 I think that would be the Balvenie 30, sir. 635 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,714 That one. Uh, make it a double. 636 00:26:29,797 --> 00:26:32,133 A triple. Hey, what's your top shelf gin? 637 00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:34,051 - Throw some of that in there, too. - I'll have the same. 638 00:26:34,135 --> 00:26:36,178 - But with a cherry. - Your most expensive cherry. 639 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:38,306 Two cherries, please. 640 00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:43,519 [indistinct chatter] 641 00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:47,106 Let's do some business. 642 00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:50,109 Hello, boys. 643 00:26:50,192 --> 00:26:52,236 Mrs. Maisel, Miriam, hot rising comic. 644 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,071 Get in there, honey. 645 00:26:54,155 --> 00:26:55,865 - Oh, she is something, huh? - [photographer] Smile. 646 00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,074 Looks good in a bathing suit, too. 647 00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,618 Boy! Legs and tits for days! 648 00:26:59,702 --> 00:27:01,037 - [photographer] Okay, got it. - Good? 649 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,414 You got it? Okay. 650 00:27:03,497 --> 00:27:05,916 Uh, Susie Myerson and Associates is her representation. 651 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,960 Well, that was sufficiently gross and demeaning. 652 00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:10,129 - You're welcome. - Interesting combination. 653 00:27:10,212 --> 00:27:12,298 What are they called? 654 00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,258 Sweet Revenge. 655 00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:19,555 Whoa! 656 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,724 This is definitely gonna make me throw up. 657 00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:23,559 Do it on the dance floor. 658 00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:25,811 - Canapé? - I can indeed. 659 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:27,688 Great portions here. 660 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,273 Eh, 20 bucks right there. 661 00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:30,941 - Heads up. - Ooh! 662 00:27:31,025 --> 00:27:32,068 - Oh, my God. - Hmm? 663 00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:33,986 Susie, it's Sidney Poitier. 664 00:27:34,070 --> 00:27:36,238 - What? Where? - There, front table. 665 00:27:36,322 --> 00:27:38,783 Wow, and he's talking to, uh, Harvey. 666 00:27:38,866 --> 00:27:40,868 - From the movie. - Harvey was the rabbit. 667 00:27:40,951 --> 00:27:42,620 But that is Jimmy Stewart. 668 00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:44,580 Oh, my God, Jimmy Stewart is sexy in person. 669 00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,540 Ew. Oh. 670 00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,418 Oh, my God. 671 00:27:49,502 --> 00:27:51,045 - These are delicious. - What are they? 672 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:52,797 I don't even know. 673 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,382 A little ball of something that teaches you 674 00:27:54,465 --> 00:27:56,050 what pleasure is even if you've been half-dead 675 00:27:56,133 --> 00:27:57,760 - your whole fucking life. - Excuse me. 676 00:27:57,843 --> 00:27:59,428 Oh, no balls, just puffs. 677 00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:02,348 Mmm, puffs are good. 678 00:28:02,431 --> 00:28:04,392 Mm-hmm, I repeat, puffs are very good. 679 00:28:04,475 --> 00:28:05,976 Oh, yeah. 680 00:28:06,060 --> 00:28:08,521 I bet if you put a puff with a ball and maybe some cheese... 681 00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:10,481 Wait, hang on, we're not supposed to be enjoying this. 682 00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:12,691 - Are we? - No, we're not enjoying this. 683 00:28:12,775 --> 00:28:15,319 Are you crazy? We're just eating and drinking... 684 00:28:15,403 --> 00:28:17,488 Ah, fuck, we are enjoying it. 685 00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:19,365 All right, let's get back on... 686 00:28:19,448 --> 00:28:22,201 Will you get out of here? 687 00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:24,412 The lights are different, right? 688 00:28:24,495 --> 00:28:26,372 - Yeah, something's happening. - Good. 689 00:28:26,455 --> 00:28:28,332 I thought it was the drink. 690 00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:30,376 This shit has to be what killed Toulouse-Lautrec. 691 00:28:30,459 --> 00:28:33,170 Where's Carole? And the rest of the guys? 692 00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:34,505 I don't recognize a soul up there. 693 00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:36,424 Hmm, must've gotten a new band. 694 00:28:36,507 --> 00:28:38,592 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have 695 00:28:38,676 --> 00:28:41,345 your attention as we welcome for the first time 696 00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:42,763 as husband and wife... 697 00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:46,392 Mr. and Mrs. Shy Baldwin! 698 00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:48,519 [all cheering] 699 00:28:48,602 --> 00:28:50,604 [♪ Shy Baldwin: "City Lights"] 700 00:28:56,318 --> 00:29:00,156 [singers vocalizing] 701 00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:04,452 - He looks fat. - No, he doesn't. 702 00:29:04,535 --> 00:29:05,953 [Susie] His hair looks thin. 703 00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:07,413 [Midge] No, it doesn't. 704 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:12,251 ♪ And though I love that view ♪ 705 00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:16,213 ♪ The city lights don't shine as bright as you ♪ 706 00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:19,425 ♪ Shine as bright, shine as bright ♪ 707 00:29:19,508 --> 00:29:22,845 ♪ Come close to me, baby ♪ 708 00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:25,681 ♪ Cool as the river ♪ 709 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,517 ♪ When you're here in my arms ♪ 710 00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:31,479 ♪ Manhattan's getting dimmer ♪ 711 00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:34,732 ♪ I know it sparkles, too ♪ 712 00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:40,112 ♪ But city lights don't shine as bright as you ♪ 713 00:29:40,196 --> 00:29:42,865 - ♪ Shine as bright ♪ - ♪ Paris at night ♪ 714 00:29:42,948 --> 00:29:45,701 ♪ Don't shine as bright as you ♪ 715 00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:48,704 - ♪ Shine as bright ♪ - ♪ Nothing's a sight ♪ 716 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,874 ♪ That could shine as bright as you ♪ 717 00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:55,794 ♪ Oh, Rome is all right ♪ 718 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,881 ♪ But them city lights don't shine as bright ♪ 719 00:29:58,964 --> 00:30:03,844 ♪ As you ♪♪ 720 00:30:03,928 --> 00:30:07,056 [crowd cheering] 721 00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:12,645 Did she just fucking curtsy? Is that what she did? 722 00:30:12,728 --> 00:30:14,522 Are you watching this shit? 723 00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:16,524 This drink is really growing on me. 724 00:30:16,607 --> 00:30:18,817 Now look at this. 725 00:30:18,901 --> 00:30:21,403 None of y'all had anywhere else to go tonight? 726 00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:23,030 - [laughter] - Well, good. 727 00:30:23,113 --> 00:30:25,032 'Cause now I get to gloat. 728 00:30:25,115 --> 00:30:26,242 Look at the girl over there. 729 00:30:26,325 --> 00:30:27,868 All right, now stop looking, 730 00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:30,663 - 'cause she's mine. - [laughter] 731 00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:32,915 Mrs. Shy Baldwin. 732 00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:35,543 I'm the luckiest man in the world, baby. 733 00:30:35,626 --> 00:30:37,795 - [crowd] Aw! - And so, 734 00:30:37,878 --> 00:30:40,381 in honor of my wife... Boy, that is tough to say. 735 00:30:40,464 --> 00:30:42,591 Um, I'll practice, I'll practice. 736 00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:44,552 You just heard a little of my new single. 737 00:30:44,635 --> 00:30:46,637 [cheering] 738 00:30:48,222 --> 00:30:49,807 And it's a special one because the lyrics were written 739 00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:51,809 by my boy Reggie Harris. 740 00:30:51,892 --> 00:30:53,894 Which is fitting because that man's been putting words 741 00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:55,271 in my mouth since we were kids 742 00:30:55,354 --> 00:30:57,314 begging his grandmom to buy us ice cream. 743 00:30:57,398 --> 00:30:58,774 [laughter] 744 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:01,610 He made me say I had heat stroke... 745 00:31:01,694 --> 00:31:03,988 Cute story about a control freak 746 00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:06,574 making his pal cheat an old lady. 747 00:31:06,657 --> 00:31:08,117 ...the people I'm closest to. 748 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,493 I feel your love. 749 00:31:09,577 --> 00:31:12,121 And my heart is with you tonight. 750 00:31:12,204 --> 00:31:14,206 [crowd applauding] 751 00:31:16,959 --> 00:31:18,335 Feel better? 752 00:31:18,419 --> 00:31:20,004 - Yep. - And now there's someone 753 00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:22,590 else who wants to chime in here. 754 00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:25,384 You know him, you love him. 755 00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:27,344 It's my good friend, 756 00:31:27,428 --> 00:31:29,638 Mr. Harry Belafonte. 757 00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:31,599 - [cheering] - [clamoring] 758 00:31:31,682 --> 00:31:33,058 Yeah! 759 00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:34,518 Someone good! 760 00:31:39,523 --> 00:31:41,442 Shy, Monica, 761 00:31:41,525 --> 00:31:43,360 I had a special song written for you. 762 00:31:43,444 --> 00:31:45,029 And I'm gonna sing it now, if nobody minds. 763 00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:46,196 Three, four. 764 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,824 [♪ Harry Belafonte: "Maybe Monica"] 765 00:31:51,243 --> 00:31:53,996 ♪ What's the way to the heart of a man about town? ♪ 766 00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:56,123 ♪ Gets around now, he gets around now ♪ 767 00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,459 ♪ What's the way when his feet are too good for the ground? ♪ 768 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,711 - ♪ Tie him down now ♪ - ♪ Maybe Monica swayed ♪ 769 00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:02,254 ♪ She swayed ♪ 770 00:32:02,338 --> 00:32:04,381 - ♪ Maybe Monica played ♪ - ♪ She played ♪ 771 00:32:04,465 --> 00:32:08,302 ♪ Maybe Monica knew he would want more if she gave less ♪ 772 00:32:08,385 --> 00:32:09,511 ♪ More or less ♪ 773 00:32:09,595 --> 00:32:10,596 ♪ Maybe Monica prayed ♪ 774 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:12,056 ♪ She prayed ♪ 775 00:32:12,139 --> 00:32:14,224 - ♪ Maybe Monica stayed ♪ - ♪ She stayed ♪ 776 00:32:14,308 --> 00:32:15,684 ♪ Doesn't matter what thing she pulled ♪ 777 00:32:15,768 --> 00:32:17,102 ♪ She pulled it best ♪ 778 00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:18,562 ♪ Baby made a maybe yes ♪ 779 00:32:18,646 --> 00:32:19,563 ♪ Maybe yes ♪ 780 00:32:19,647 --> 00:32:21,023 ♪ Baby made a maybe yes ♪ 781 00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:22,274 ♪ Maybe yes ♪ 782 00:32:22,358 --> 00:32:24,652 ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ 783 00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:27,237 ♪ He was startin' to head out to the club ♪ 784 00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:29,281 ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ 785 00:32:29,365 --> 00:32:30,783 ♪ Have a ball and... 786 00:32:30,866 --> 00:32:32,534 Mei! I'm here! 787 00:32:32,618 --> 00:32:34,370 Joel? Thank God. 788 00:32:34,453 --> 00:32:36,455 Okay. 789 00:32:38,332 --> 00:32:40,250 I got a dress. 790 00:32:40,334 --> 00:32:42,002 I know. I got eyes. 791 00:32:42,086 --> 00:32:43,754 It's got a skirt and bow, see? 792 00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:46,256 There's birds on the top, kind of a Peter Pan collar thing. 793 00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:47,633 You look great. 794 00:32:47,716 --> 00:32:49,218 You sure? I don't know. 795 00:32:49,301 --> 00:32:51,345 The skirt is weird, and I don't know what the bird is, 796 00:32:51,428 --> 00:32:53,180 and why is this a Peter Pan collar? 797 00:32:53,263 --> 00:32:54,473 I've seen Peter Pan, I've read Peter Pan. 798 00:32:54,556 --> 00:32:55,891 I don't get the connection. 799 00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:57,643 Anyhow, I told the girl at the shop 800 00:32:57,726 --> 00:32:59,311 that I needed a dress to meet my... 801 00:32:59,395 --> 00:33:02,147 whatever you are's parents, and she handed me this. 802 00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:03,691 Great. 803 00:33:03,774 --> 00:33:05,651 Are you sure? 804 00:33:05,734 --> 00:33:07,611 'Cause it's really important that this dress is right. 805 00:33:07,695 --> 00:33:09,488 And while normally I don't care what anybody thinks 806 00:33:09,571 --> 00:33:11,990 about anything, I feel like there's a lot at stake here. 807 00:33:12,074 --> 00:33:13,784 - There's not. - Of course there is. 808 00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:15,494 Are you crazy? The first thing they see 809 00:33:15,577 --> 00:33:17,454 is the dress and the second thing they see is me, 810 00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,164 so initially I asked the lady at the shop 811 00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:20,916 if she had a dress with a matzo ball print, 812 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:22,960 which elicited exactly the kind of response you'd think-- 813 00:33:23,043 --> 00:33:25,587 deafening silence-- so I just took this one. 814 00:33:25,671 --> 00:33:28,048 You look perfect. 815 00:33:28,132 --> 00:33:30,300 [sighs] My hair will be better. 816 00:33:30,384 --> 00:33:32,636 So, if we get a cab within 20 minutes, 817 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,513 we can be at my folks' place in time. 818 00:33:34,596 --> 00:33:36,306 Or we can be a little late. 819 00:33:36,390 --> 00:33:37,933 Shorten the length of time we're exposed. 820 00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:40,227 No! Oh, my God, we can't be late! 821 00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:42,938 I want to do everything perfectly. 822 00:33:44,356 --> 00:33:46,233 Shit. Too colorful. 823 00:33:46,316 --> 00:33:47,985 Is this too colorful? It's too colorful. 824 00:33:48,068 --> 00:33:49,945 I couldn't see at the shop that this was too colorful? 825 00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:51,905 - Mei, should I make us a drink? - Yes. 826 00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:53,949 So I can be drunk and late with a too colorful dress 827 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,743 and a Peter Pan collar. Thanks, Joel! 828 00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:57,953 - Hey, you need to relax. - Can't. 829 00:33:58,036 --> 00:33:59,788 - You have to breathe. - Nope. 830 00:33:59,872 --> 00:34:01,874 I like what you're wearing. 831 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,792 But that's probably 'cause you're in it. 832 00:34:03,876 --> 00:34:06,503 Unbelievable. You want to have sex now? 833 00:34:06,587 --> 00:34:07,838 - No. - That was your sex call. 834 00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:09,423 - My what? - Your sex call. 835 00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,341 - I do not want to have sex. - Is that because of the dress? 836 00:34:11,425 --> 00:34:12,885 Please take me up on that drink. 837 00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:15,095 I got together with Adina Kritzer, from pathology lab? 838 00:34:15,179 --> 00:34:17,055 She taught me some things about Jewish culture. 839 00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:18,807 But it's all dumped out of my head. 840 00:34:18,891 --> 00:34:20,642 I had Yiddish. Now I have nothing. 841 00:34:20,726 --> 00:34:22,519 You have Jewish culture right here at your disposal. 842 00:34:22,603 --> 00:34:24,897 I remember two words-- "tsoris" and "gefilte fish." 843 00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:26,815 - That's all you need to know. - I bought a yarmulke. 844 00:34:26,899 --> 00:34:28,692 Mei, honey, girls don't wear yarmulkes. 845 00:34:28,776 --> 00:34:30,486 What? Fuck. 846 00:34:30,569 --> 00:34:32,237 That would've been good for Adina to mention. 847 00:34:32,321 --> 00:34:34,490 Bitch. And I'm pretty sure all sales are final. 848 00:34:34,573 --> 00:34:36,325 - I'll wear the yarmulke. - It's pink. 849 00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:37,576 We'll use it as a coaster. 850 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,119 I'm gonna try on the other dress. 851 00:34:39,203 --> 00:34:41,079 And throw up. That's the sound you'll hear. 852 00:34:41,163 --> 00:34:43,040 Ignore it. 853 00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,125 [Mei sighs] 854 00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:51,173 - [doorbell rings] - [Shirley] Moishe, it's Joely and his little girlfriend! 855 00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:52,549 [Moishe] She's here, Shirl! 856 00:34:52,633 --> 00:34:54,301 - [Shirley] Don't open the door! - I'm gonna open the door. 857 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,678 - Don't open the door! - I got to open the door, Shirl! 858 00:34:56,762 --> 00:34:59,056 I want to see her at the exact same time you see her. 859 00:35:00,682 --> 00:35:02,017 Where is she? 860 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:03,352 She parking the car? 861 00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:05,145 That's quite a greeting. Hi, Ma. 862 00:35:05,229 --> 00:35:06,772 Well, where is she? What happened? 863 00:35:06,855 --> 00:35:08,816 Did you break up? 864 00:35:08,899 --> 00:35:10,651 - Let him talk, Shirl. - She's feeling sick. 865 00:35:10,734 --> 00:35:12,653 - What's the matter with her? - She's sick. 866 00:35:12,736 --> 00:35:14,112 It's nothing serious, but there was a lot of sneezing. 867 00:35:14,196 --> 00:35:15,989 I'm devastated. 868 00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:17,658 I would've called ahead, but she started feeling worse 869 00:35:17,741 --> 00:35:20,077 in the cab, so I dropped her back at her apartment. 870 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,079 Did she think she couldn't be sick here? I'm a mother. 871 00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:24,039 She wanted you to have this. 872 00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:25,666 - She picked it out herself. - Nice. 873 00:35:25,749 --> 00:35:27,292 Your lady has taste. 874 00:35:27,376 --> 00:35:29,211 Well, at least you can tell us all about her over dinner. 875 00:35:29,294 --> 00:35:30,921 You know, you haven't even told us her name. 876 00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:33,423 - It's Rachel. - Ah, you have a cousin named Rachel. 877 00:35:33,507 --> 00:35:35,384 - Different Rachel. - [Shirley] Rachel. 878 00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:37,386 Such a nice Jewish name. 879 00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:39,012 The nicest. 880 00:35:39,096 --> 00:35:40,514 Your father has a cousin named Rachel? 881 00:35:40,597 --> 00:35:42,182 Different Rachel. 882 00:35:42,266 --> 00:35:45,143 Looks like he's got the good kind of croutons. 883 00:35:45,227 --> 00:35:47,229 Motherfucker. 884 00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:50,732 [indistinct chatter] 885 00:35:53,944 --> 00:35:55,529 Be right back. 886 00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:57,823 I have to powder my nose. 887 00:36:11,628 --> 00:36:14,089 You know, the lighting's better in the ladies' room. 888 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:16,592 Well, well, well. 889 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:19,052 Bigger mirrors, too. 890 00:36:19,136 --> 00:36:21,138 You look surprised. 891 00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:22,890 A little. 892 00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,892 So my invitation was a mistake. 893 00:36:24,975 --> 00:36:26,518 I don't know. 894 00:36:26,602 --> 00:36:28,228 The PR team made the guest list. 895 00:36:28,312 --> 00:36:30,230 Jerry Lewis wasn't invited either, 896 00:36:30,314 --> 00:36:31,940 if it makes you feel any better. 897 00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:33,692 - Not really. - He came anyway. 898 00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:35,110 Princess Grace is here. Did you see her? 899 00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,737 - No. - Oh, you will. 900 00:36:36,820 --> 00:36:38,822 Hang out by the bar. 901 00:36:41,909 --> 00:36:43,619 Monica looks beautiful. 902 00:36:43,702 --> 00:36:45,787 She's a nice girl. 903 00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:48,081 - She enjoys puzzles. - Oh. 904 00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:49,917 - Neat. - Yeah. 905 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:53,253 Neat. I bought her a house in Beverly Hills. 906 00:36:53,337 --> 00:36:56,006 - Bought her a house? - Well, I'm always traveling. 907 00:36:56,089 --> 00:36:58,383 - She likes oranges. - You should get her 908 00:36:58,467 --> 00:37:00,510 a puzzle of an orange grove. She'll lose her mind. 909 00:37:00,594 --> 00:37:03,472 First wedding anniversary gift, covered. 910 00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:05,349 And look at you. 911 00:37:05,432 --> 00:37:07,809 A wedding, a dance, a song, 912 00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:10,103 - and you hardly break a sweat. - Ah. 913 00:37:10,187 --> 00:37:12,356 The trick's keeping the fabric on your clothes light. 914 00:37:12,439 --> 00:37:14,316 Nat King Cole taught me that. 915 00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:16,276 He didn't come. 916 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,570 I was looking around for the gang. 917 00:37:18,654 --> 00:37:21,365 Lester, Tommy, Carole, Slim. 918 00:37:21,448 --> 00:37:24,326 - Got 'em locked up somewhere? - Uh, no. 919 00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:26,828 - I have a new band. - Why? 920 00:37:26,912 --> 00:37:28,497 I wanted a new sound. 921 00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:29,998 Because the old one was such a disappointment. 922 00:37:30,082 --> 00:37:32,000 You got to keep things fresh. 923 00:37:32,084 --> 00:37:33,251 And they're a really great group. 924 00:37:33,335 --> 00:37:34,836 You heard them out there. They can really swing. 925 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,673 Yeah. They sounded great. 926 00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:39,341 But you don't miss the gang? 927 00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:41,969 You all just seemed like family. 928 00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:43,512 You know what I miss? 929 00:37:43,595 --> 00:37:45,555 I miss your brisket. 930 00:37:45,639 --> 00:37:48,600 [chuckles] I have not had a decent meal since the... 931 00:37:52,604 --> 00:37:55,565 Jack Ballard's not much of a cook, huh? 932 00:37:55,649 --> 00:37:57,484 Jack Ballard's not much of a comic, either. 933 00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:59,861 No. He's not. 934 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:01,446 You had a good comic for a while. 935 00:38:01,530 --> 00:38:02,906 Beginning of the tour. 936 00:38:02,990 --> 00:38:05,158 Who was that? Trying to remember. Oh, yes. 937 00:38:05,242 --> 00:38:07,369 Me. What happened there? 938 00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:08,954 Trying to remember. 939 00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:12,582 I believe I can see a tarmac? 940 00:38:12,666 --> 00:38:15,043 And in the back there, a plane? 941 00:38:15,127 --> 00:38:16,586 - Was there a plane? - There was a plane. 942 00:38:16,670 --> 00:38:19,631 That's right. That big thing sitting there full of people. 943 00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:22,134 And it was missing a couple of folks, right? 944 00:38:22,217 --> 00:38:25,053 - Was it? - Yep. It was. 945 00:38:25,137 --> 00:38:27,222 You should've let me on that plane, Shy. 946 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,724 Oh, really? And why's that? 947 00:38:28,807 --> 00:38:30,058 Because I had something to say to you. 948 00:38:30,142 --> 00:38:31,518 Oh, I bet you had a lot to say to me. 949 00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:33,729 When you fire someone, they get mighty chatty. 950 00:38:33,812 --> 00:38:35,063 Are you curious? 951 00:38:35,147 --> 00:38:36,481 What I would've said if I'd gotten on the plane? 952 00:38:36,565 --> 00:38:37,691 Something about winged monkeys? 953 00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:39,735 I would've said that I fucked up. 954 00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:41,570 I fucked up 955 00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:43,363 like I've never fucked up anything 956 00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:45,490 in a life not without its fuckups. 957 00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:48,160 I would've said I was scared off my ass 958 00:38:48,243 --> 00:38:49,411 getting on that stage, 959 00:38:49,494 --> 00:38:51,496 and Moms Mabley went on before me. 960 00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:52,998 Yeah, it's hard to follow Moms. 961 00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:54,332 I was desperate for that laugh. 962 00:38:54,416 --> 00:38:57,210 I was desperate to just go out there and kill. 963 00:38:57,294 --> 00:38:59,087 I just thought... 964 00:38:59,171 --> 00:39:01,715 hometown crowd, talk about Shy. 965 00:39:01,798 --> 00:39:02,966 So I did. 966 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:06,094 And I did kill, which was my job, 967 00:39:06,178 --> 00:39:08,722 but I should have gone in a different direction. 968 00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:10,724 "Shy gives a lot of money 969 00:39:10,807 --> 00:39:12,768 to abused children. In other words, he pays his staff." 970 00:39:12,851 --> 00:39:14,686 "Before every concert, Shy spends half an hour going..." 971 00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:15,896 ♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi ♪♪ 972 00:39:15,979 --> 00:39:17,981 "And then he starts his vocal exercises." 973 00:39:18,065 --> 00:39:20,400 "Shy doesn't think he's God's gift to the world, 974 00:39:20,484 --> 00:39:22,736 - but he does call his suits his wrapping paper." - I get it. 975 00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:25,655 You are a treasure trove of punch lines. 976 00:39:25,739 --> 00:39:28,200 But I never would have hurt you. 977 00:39:29,284 --> 00:39:31,912 Not on purpose. Not for anything in the world. 978 00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,872 I thought we were friends. 979 00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:36,833 And I take my friendships very seriously. 980 00:39:36,917 --> 00:39:40,462 I know how loaded what I said was, 981 00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,255 and if I could take it back, I would. 982 00:39:42,339 --> 00:39:44,508 If you had just let me on that plane, 983 00:39:44,591 --> 00:39:46,551 I would have said I was sorry. 984 00:39:46,635 --> 00:39:49,179 And not to keep my job. I'll get another job. 985 00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:54,017 But because I was and still am truly sorry. 986 00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:57,854 If I'd have let you on that plane, 987 00:39:57,938 --> 00:39:59,314 you would've brought Susie, 988 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,775 and she would've tried to stab me with a cheese knife. 989 00:40:01,858 --> 00:40:03,777 And I would have thrown myself in front of you 990 00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:05,362 and taken the blow. 991 00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:06,863 And some Brie. 992 00:40:08,281 --> 00:40:09,866 Well... 993 00:40:11,868 --> 00:40:13,870 I sure have missed that brisket. 994 00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:18,458 I'll send Monica the recipe. 995 00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:25,423 You know, I'm back in the States 996 00:40:25,507 --> 00:40:27,175 for a while again next month. 997 00:40:27,259 --> 00:40:28,802 Cut another Christmas album. 998 00:40:28,885 --> 00:40:31,721 Hmm. I know what to get my mother for Hanukkah. 999 00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:34,349 Maybe we could, uh, get together, 1000 00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,144 have a drink. I-I could take you to... 1001 00:40:37,227 --> 00:40:38,687 - No. - No? 1002 00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:40,647 I'm not falling for that again. 1003 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,607 We're not friends. 1004 00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:44,693 I have learned my lesson. 1005 00:40:48,697 --> 00:40:50,907 Congratulations. 1006 00:40:50,991 --> 00:40:54,744 I hope you're gonna be very happy... 1007 00:40:54,828 --> 00:40:56,830 Dwayne. 1008 00:41:05,255 --> 00:41:06,756 That's what I'm saying. 1009 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:09,134 - Can we get out of here? - Yeah, sure. 1010 00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,136 Bye. Thanks for the croutons. 1011 00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:13,638 - I ate everybody's croutons. - [woman] Who let them in? 1012 00:41:13,722 --> 00:41:16,224 Ladies, would you come with us, please? 1013 00:41:16,308 --> 00:41:17,559 We have invites. 1014 00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:19,644 They checked them at the door and everything. 1015 00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:28,945 He still there? 1016 00:41:29,029 --> 00:41:30,071 - [Midge] Yep. - [Susie] He still big? 1017 00:41:30,155 --> 00:41:31,072 - [Midge] Yep. - [Susie] Mm. 1018 00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:33,158 [indistinct chatter] 1019 00:41:40,207 --> 00:41:42,542 - Lou. - Susie Myerson. 1020 00:41:42,626 --> 00:41:45,462 And Mrs. Maisel. It's nice to see you. 1021 00:41:45,545 --> 00:41:47,672 - What is this, Lou? - [Lou] I want you to meet my associate, 1022 00:41:47,756 --> 00:41:49,090 Ken Bruni. 1023 00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:51,509 Ken is Shy's new agent over at MCA. 1024 00:41:51,593 --> 00:41:53,970 Very nice to meet you, ladies. Enjoying the party? 1025 00:41:54,054 --> 00:41:56,556 - Up until our abduction, it was great. - [Lou] [chuckles] Well, 1026 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:57,766 we just wanted to say hello 1027 00:41:57,849 --> 00:42:00,477 and fill you in on some exciting news. 1028 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,230 Shy's going to be the lead in Billy Wilder's next film. 1029 00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:04,648 Did you know he could act? 1030 00:42:04,731 --> 00:42:06,316 I thought today's performance was pretty good. 1031 00:42:06,399 --> 00:42:07,859 [Lou] I'll cut to the chase. 1032 00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:09,486 Everyone here 1033 00:42:09,569 --> 00:42:12,155 is aware of Shy's proclivities. 1034 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:15,784 But from now on, we're gonna help him 1035 00:42:15,867 --> 00:42:17,077 to stay on the straight and narrow. 1036 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,329 Watch over him 24 hours a day. 1037 00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:21,706 - Isn't that what Reggie does? - [Lou] Reggie's gone. 1038 00:42:21,790 --> 00:42:22,916 Gone? 1039 00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:24,501 - Holy shit. - [Lou] Look, 1040 00:42:24,584 --> 00:42:26,962 he's a good guy, Reggie. I like him. 1041 00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,922 But he's too close with Shy 1042 00:42:29,005 --> 00:42:31,132 to control him. There's too much history. 1043 00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:33,843 - And too much history with the band, too, huh? - [Ken] Exactly. 1044 00:42:33,927 --> 00:42:35,387 Shy fought it, but eventually he realized 1045 00:42:35,470 --> 00:42:37,013 it was time to chart a new course. 1046 00:42:37,097 --> 00:42:39,557 All this because I cracked a couple Judy Garland jokes 1047 00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,142 - at the Apollo? - [Lou] No, 1048 00:42:41,226 --> 00:42:43,061 no, this has been a long time coming. 1049 00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:45,397 That night at the Apollo just gave us an opening. 1050 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,690 So, thank you. 1051 00:42:46,773 --> 00:42:48,692 Reggie got Shy to where he is now. 1052 00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,194 - You realize that? - [Lou] Reggie's taken care of. 1053 00:42:51,278 --> 00:42:53,488 Big severance. We threw him some publishing. 1054 00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:55,282 He's buying a house in Westchester. 1055 00:42:55,365 --> 00:42:57,325 - Everybody's happy. - [Susie] Oh, I bet. 1056 00:42:57,409 --> 00:42:58,994 'Cause when you think Reggie, you think Westchester. 1057 00:42:59,077 --> 00:43:01,079 All right, Lou. Suit guy. 1058 00:43:01,162 --> 00:43:03,164 - Ken. - Thanks for filling us in 1059 00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:04,624 on a bunch of stuff we didn't give a fuck about. 1060 00:43:04,708 --> 00:43:05,792 Okay for us to go? 1061 00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:07,502 [Ken] Just another minute of your time. 1062 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,297 We understand you and Shy got pretty friendly on tour 1063 00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:12,215 and that maybe you saw some things. 1064 00:43:12,299 --> 00:43:15,010 One thing in particular that occurred on a boat. 1065 00:43:15,093 --> 00:43:17,637 We know that you thought you were helping him, 1066 00:43:17,721 --> 00:43:19,472 so the way it ended up with you on the tarmac that night, 1067 00:43:19,556 --> 00:43:22,309 it doesn't seem right. We want to make it right. 1068 00:43:22,392 --> 00:43:23,852 Okay. 1069 00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,812 How does $2,000 sound? 1070 00:43:25,895 --> 00:43:27,689 Two thousand dollars? Wow. 1071 00:43:27,772 --> 00:43:30,442 - You want to give me $2,000? - [Ken] In exchange 1072 00:43:30,525 --> 00:43:32,152 for your signature on a legal agreement 1073 00:43:32,235 --> 00:43:34,696 stating that you won't disparage or besmirch Shy Baldwin 1074 00:43:34,779 --> 00:43:37,032 in any way, publicly or privately. 1075 00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:39,075 You invited me so you could bribe me? 1076 00:43:39,159 --> 00:43:40,660 [Ken] It's not a bribe. It's an agreement. 1077 00:43:40,744 --> 00:43:42,954 There is no way I would ever take $2,000 from you. 1078 00:43:43,038 --> 00:43:45,874 Uh, yeah, right. Fuck you and your $2,000. 1079 00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:48,335 - How about three? - Miriam? 1080 00:43:48,418 --> 00:43:51,212 - Nope. Three? Forget it. - [Ken] Five. 1081 00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,423 Now, this is getting very interesting. 1082 00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:55,717 - Keep it. - Yep. 1083 00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,636 We thought about it. Not fucking interested. 1084 00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:00,805 - Ten. - Okay, Miriam, that's a car. 1085 00:44:00,889 --> 00:44:03,475 Three cars or one big, fancy German car. 1086 00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:05,685 - A shiny, nazi Mercedes. - No. 1087 00:44:05,769 --> 00:44:07,729 - No. - Fuck! No. 1088 00:44:07,812 --> 00:44:09,314 Last and best. Twelve. 1089 00:44:09,397 --> 00:44:11,274 Oh, are there harps playing somewhere? 1090 00:44:11,358 --> 00:44:12,984 - I'm hearing harps. - We're done here. 1091 00:44:13,068 --> 00:44:14,194 - We are? - Yes. 1092 00:44:14,277 --> 00:44:15,278 - Come on. - [Ken] We'd like you 1093 00:44:15,362 --> 00:44:16,571 to reconsider. The offer's gone 1094 00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:17,739 as soon as you walk out the door. 1095 00:44:17,822 --> 00:44:19,240 I promised Shy I would never tell anyone 1096 00:44:19,324 --> 00:44:20,450 about that night, and I haven't. 1097 00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:22,327 I promised Shy. 1098 00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:24,245 [Susie] Let's go. 1099 00:44:24,329 --> 00:44:25,997 - Unless you want to... - I want nothing from them. 1100 00:44:26,081 --> 00:44:28,917 Yep, me, neither. Let's go. Fuck you. 1101 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,502 Stupid idea to come here. 1102 00:44:30,585 --> 00:44:32,837 - Was that aimed at me? - No. Yes. 1103 00:44:32,921 --> 00:44:35,590 - This was your idea. - My idea? If it wasn't for you, 1104 00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:36,883 I wouldn't have found my invite to this thing 1105 00:44:36,966 --> 00:44:38,968 for, like, ten months, so this is your fault. 1106 00:44:39,052 --> 00:44:40,553 Fuck it. We're getting gift bags. 1107 00:44:40,637 --> 00:44:43,181 That's tacky. I bet there's not even anything good... 1108 00:44:43,264 --> 00:44:44,891 Oh, my God, it's Chanel No. 5. 1109 00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:47,102 - Get one for Grandma Mary. - Who? 1110 00:44:47,185 --> 00:44:49,354 Our grandmother who couldn't come tonight 1111 00:44:49,437 --> 00:44:51,689 but was also invited and loves Chanel No. 5. 1112 00:44:51,773 --> 00:44:54,192 - Got it. - I'll meet you outside. 1113 00:45:13,086 --> 00:45:15,338 - Where the hell were you? - I was looking for a cab. 1114 00:45:15,422 --> 00:45:17,173 You told me, "Meet me out front." 1115 00:45:17,257 --> 00:45:18,716 There weren't any cabs out front, so I thought 1116 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,009 I'd go around the corner because I remembered 1117 00:45:20,093 --> 00:45:21,261 that whenever I shop at Bergdorf's, 1118 00:45:21,344 --> 00:45:22,846 I always go out the side door to grab a cab 1119 00:45:22,929 --> 00:45:25,098 - before they turn onto Fifth. - I got this cab on Fifth. 1120 00:45:25,181 --> 00:45:26,808 Well, it's not a foolproof plan. 1121 00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,309 Just get in the goddamn car. 1122 00:45:28,393 --> 00:45:29,978 Next time, I leave you here. 1123 00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:42,198 [sighs] 1124 00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:52,834 [indistinct chatter] 1125 00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:55,253 ♪ Baby... 1126 00:45:55,336 --> 00:45:57,589 - The till's over. - Over? 1127 00:45:57,672 --> 00:45:59,507 That's not possible. I did the count myself. 1128 00:45:59,591 --> 00:46:01,092 I counted twice. There's an extra five. 1129 00:46:01,176 --> 00:46:02,886 Give it. I must've screwed up. 1130 00:46:02,969 --> 00:46:04,512 - Thanks for catching it. - [cash register dings] 1131 00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:07,724 - You know this guy? - Pop. What are you doing here? 1132 00:46:07,807 --> 00:46:09,058 I was in the area 1133 00:46:09,142 --> 00:46:11,019 seeing one of my notions and trimmings guys 1134 00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,187 and thought I'd stop by. 1135 00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:13,688 Well, come on in. I'll spot you a drink. 1136 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,190 Place looks good. 1137 00:46:15,273 --> 00:46:18,902 The decor, the ambience. Very impressive. 1138 00:46:18,985 --> 00:46:21,154 Last time I was here, it was covered in buttons. 1139 00:46:21,237 --> 00:46:23,698 - Couple of whiskies for me and my pop. - You got it, boss. 1140 00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,575 "Boss." I like the sound of that. 1141 00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:28,119 - It does not get old. - You know that the key 1142 00:46:28,203 --> 00:46:31,080 to a great relationship with your employees is respect. 1143 00:46:31,164 --> 00:46:32,916 In order for them to be productive, 1144 00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:34,626 they got to think you trust them unconditionally. 1145 00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:36,503 - Absolutely. - But every one of them's a thief, 1146 00:46:36,586 --> 00:46:38,254 - so don't trust a single one. - I know. 1147 00:46:38,338 --> 00:46:40,715 I put an extra five in the till, and he called it out. 1148 00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:43,176 And didn't pocket it. That means he's a keeper. 1149 00:46:43,259 --> 00:46:45,386 - I was taught by the best. - [chuckles] 1150 00:46:45,470 --> 00:46:46,888 Thanks. 1151 00:46:46,971 --> 00:46:48,640 Any chance your girlfriend's around? 1152 00:46:48,723 --> 00:46:51,309 No. It's crunch time at school for her. 1153 00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:53,770 - Always with the books. - In the summer? 1154 00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:55,939 - It's medical school. - Medical school. 1155 00:46:56,022 --> 00:46:57,148 Well, well, well. 1156 00:46:57,232 --> 00:46:59,234 She sounds interesting, this girl. 1157 00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:01,069 She is. She's great. 1158 00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:03,988 With a lot of different sides to her. Conflicting sides. 1159 00:47:04,072 --> 00:47:06,241 - What? - Well, the other night, 1160 00:47:06,324 --> 00:47:07,659 the first half of dinner, she was Rachel, 1161 00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:09,369 sometime before kugel, she was Rebecca, 1162 00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:11,329 after kugel she was Ruth. You kept them biblical. 1163 00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:13,164 - That was nice. - I was nervous. 1164 00:47:13,248 --> 00:47:15,792 - And I corrected myself. You remember that, right? - I do. 1165 00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:17,335 Just trying to think when was the last time 1166 00:47:17,418 --> 00:47:19,128 I called Shirley Sheila or Trudy. 1167 00:47:19,212 --> 00:47:21,130 Or had to think for a couple of seconds 1168 00:47:21,214 --> 00:47:22,715 when somebody asked how we met. 1169 00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:24,842 Ma's questions come pretty fast and furious, Pop. 1170 00:47:24,926 --> 00:47:26,636 - You know that. - Mm-hmm. 1171 00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:28,596 Listen, so you know, 1172 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,890 what I know is all I need to know. 1173 00:47:30,974 --> 00:47:33,601 - I don't know. - You like her. 1174 00:47:33,685 --> 00:47:35,728 That's all I know. That's all I need to know. 1175 00:47:35,812 --> 00:47:39,399 But keep in mind your mother is very excited 1176 00:47:39,482 --> 00:47:40,817 about Rachel Rebecca Ruth, 1177 00:47:40,900 --> 00:47:42,694 and when she gets excited about something 1178 00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:44,195 and that something disappoints her, 1179 00:47:44,279 --> 00:47:46,239 our house gets very small and loud. 1180 00:47:46,322 --> 00:47:48,074 - I get it. - The good news is 1181 00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:50,326 your dinner appearance got you a little reprieve 1182 00:47:50,410 --> 00:47:51,536 from her trying to set you up 1183 00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:53,538 with every single Jewish girl she sees, 1184 00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:55,248 including your cousin Rachel. 1185 00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:57,125 You can start answering your phone again. 1186 00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:58,459 Great. 1187 00:47:58,543 --> 00:48:00,753 So, there really is a girl? 1188 00:48:00,837 --> 00:48:02,880 - Yes. There really is. - Okay. 1189 00:48:02,964 --> 00:48:05,133 That's all I need to know. For now. 1190 00:48:05,216 --> 00:48:07,218 You got to open. I'll see you around. 1191 00:48:07,302 --> 00:48:09,262 - Thank you. - How many are you? 1192 00:48:09,345 --> 00:48:11,264 [♪ Dinah Washington: "TV Is the Thing This Year"] 1193 00:48:11,347 --> 00:48:12,974 Welcome to The Button Club, folks! 1194 00:48:13,057 --> 00:48:15,226 - [chuckles] Benny, who's your pal? - Hey. 1195 00:48:15,310 --> 00:48:17,979 ♪ If you want to have fun, come home with me ♪ 1196 00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:21,274 ♪ You can stay all night and play with my TV ♪ 1197 00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:24,444 ♪ TV is the thing this year, this year ♪ 1198 00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:27,030 ♪ TV is the thing this year ♪ 1199 00:48:27,113 --> 00:48:30,533 ♪ Radio was great, now it's out of date... 1200 00:48:30,617 --> 00:48:33,244 How you feeling? Feeling good? Feeling strong? 1201 00:48:33,328 --> 00:48:35,038 [mouthing] 1202 00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:37,040 Are you trying to speak? 1203 00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:39,459 Tell me you did not lose your fucking voice. 1204 00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:41,294 I need to hear you say something. 1205 00:48:41,377 --> 00:48:43,212 I want to go home now. 1206 00:48:43,296 --> 00:48:45,048 All right, then, you're good to go. 1207 00:48:45,131 --> 00:48:49,010 In five, four, three, two... 1208 00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:50,762 Welcome back. Our next guest 1209 00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:52,972 is no stranger to you. Or to plates. 1210 00:48:53,056 --> 00:48:54,432 It's the comedienne Sophie Lennon, 1211 00:48:54,515 --> 00:48:56,142 but don't turn that dial... 1212 00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:58,269 - That's nice. - ...because this is going to be 1213 00:48:58,353 --> 00:48:59,979 a fascinating conversation. 1214 00:49:00,063 --> 00:49:01,856 I'm gonna make sure. Come on out here, Sophie. 1215 00:49:01,939 --> 00:49:03,941 - ♪ ♪ - [applause] 1216 00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:11,658 [mouths] 1217 00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:21,459 So... Sophie Lennon. 1218 00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:24,462 Just how nutsy whacko are you? 1219 00:49:24,545 --> 00:49:26,506 [audience murmuring] 1220 00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:31,761 I believe the official diagnosis 1221 00:49:31,844 --> 00:49:34,806 was "crazier than an outhouse rat." 1222 00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:37,100 [laughter] 1223 00:49:37,183 --> 00:49:38,601 - Good girl. - [Gordon] Well, 1224 00:49:38,685 --> 00:49:40,478 my producers told me you'd be forthcoming this evening. 1225 00:49:40,561 --> 00:49:42,563 - So far, so good. - Great. So I can go now? 1226 00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:44,816 - You sit right back down now, lady. You're not going anywhere. - Oh. 1227 00:49:44,899 --> 00:49:46,150 In fact, you and I are gonna play a game. 1228 00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:48,403 - Ooh, a game. - Just a little True or False. 1229 00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,446 I had my staff write down some of the various rumors 1230 00:49:50,530 --> 00:49:52,448 we've heard about you over the years, and there are 1231 00:49:52,532 --> 00:49:54,158 a lot of them. So, 1232 00:49:54,242 --> 00:49:56,160 I'm gonna read them, and you are gonna say if they are true 1233 00:49:56,244 --> 00:49:58,204 - or false. - Have at it. - Here we go. 1234 00:49:58,287 --> 00:49:59,580 [Gordon] Frank Sinatra wrote a song about you. 1235 00:49:59,664 --> 00:50:01,541 False. But it is true that I'm a tramp. 1236 00:50:01,624 --> 00:50:04,377 - [laughter] - You once saved the life of a total stranger 1237 00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,337 - choking in a restaurant. - False. 1238 00:50:06,421 --> 00:50:08,047 But I'm the one who made up that rumor, 1239 00:50:08,131 --> 00:50:09,757 and I'm glad to hear it's still going around. 1240 00:50:09,841 --> 00:50:12,635 - [laughter] - You own a 300-acre ranch in Montana. 1241 00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:14,971 [chuckles] Honestly, who doesn't? 1242 00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:17,598 - [laughter] - [Gordon] You punched Olivia de Havilland. 1243 00:50:17,682 --> 00:50:19,142 - She had it coming. - [laughter] 1244 00:50:19,225 --> 00:50:21,561 - You punched Humphrey Bogart. - Cried harder than Olivia. 1245 00:50:21,644 --> 00:50:23,646 - [laughter] - You're an addict. 1246 00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:26,899 - [audience gasps] - With multiple addictions. 1247 00:50:26,983 --> 00:50:29,819 It's a long list. You want to see it? 1248 00:50:34,073 --> 00:50:36,701 - No, Gordon, this is dead wrong. - [Gordon] It is. 1249 00:50:36,784 --> 00:50:41,330 I can stop numbers three and nine whenever I want. 1250 00:50:41,414 --> 00:50:43,249 [laughter] 1251 00:50:43,332 --> 00:50:45,835 [Gordon] Ah. Well, 1252 00:50:45,918 --> 00:50:47,670 - it's good to know there's no need to worry, then. - Mm. 1253 00:50:47,754 --> 00:50:50,006 You believe in intelligent life on other planets. 1254 00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:51,466 False. If there's none here, 1255 00:50:51,549 --> 00:50:53,342 why would there be intelligent life anywhere else? 1256 00:50:53,426 --> 00:50:55,386 - [laughter] - [Gordon] Very true. Next card. 1257 00:50:55,470 --> 00:50:58,514 Um, you provide financially for your 85-year-old mother. 1258 00:50:58,598 --> 00:51:00,016 - Yes, that is true. - And in exchange, 1259 00:51:00,099 --> 00:51:01,309 you have her do the ironing. 1260 00:51:01,392 --> 00:51:02,727 [Sophie] Well, when you stop working, 1261 00:51:02,810 --> 00:51:04,520 - you start dying. - [Rose and Abe laughing] 1262 00:51:04,604 --> 00:51:06,773 That part is not true, to be clear. 1263 00:51:06,856 --> 00:51:08,733 [Gordon] You forbid your employees 1264 00:51:08,816 --> 00:51:10,151 - from wearing certain perfumes... - [knock on door] 1265 00:51:10,234 --> 00:51:12,612 - I'll get it. - But you'll miss the show. 1266 00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,281 There should be a way to pause this. 1267 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:17,742 Like, you have a separate box 1268 00:51:17,825 --> 00:51:20,203 recording the picture and sound simultaneously. 1269 00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:23,039 It should be able to rewind, too. 1270 00:51:23,122 --> 00:51:24,957 [Sophie] That's funny. 1271 00:51:25,041 --> 00:51:27,084 You once canceled a performance 1272 00:51:27,168 --> 00:51:28,377 because you couldn't find your Seconal. 1273 00:51:28,461 --> 00:51:29,962 [Sophie] Uh, no, I could find 1274 00:51:30,046 --> 00:51:32,632 - my Seconal. I just couldn't find the stage. - [Abe laughing] 1275 00:51:34,217 --> 00:51:36,719 Oh, that's lovely. 1276 00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:38,763 [laughter and applause] 1277 00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:42,350 It wasn't my fault. [chuckles] 1278 00:51:42,433 --> 00:51:45,561 Oh! Uh, sorry. My stage manager, Maury, 1279 00:51:45,645 --> 00:51:47,104 is either practicing for his dance recital, 1280 00:51:47,188 --> 00:51:49,315 or he's motioning to me that it's time for our next guest. 1281 00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,359 But this being The Gordon Ford Show 1282 00:51:51,442 --> 00:51:53,569 and my being Gordon Ford, I am making the decision 1283 00:51:53,653 --> 00:51:55,822 to bump our next guest because I want to keep talking 1284 00:51:55,905 --> 00:51:57,281 to Sophie. Is that okay with you, folks? 1285 00:51:57,365 --> 00:51:59,450 [Sophie chuckles] 1286 00:51:59,534 --> 00:52:01,536 - You got some more time for me, Sophie? - Oh, I can even stay 1287 00:52:01,619 --> 00:52:03,287 and clean up afterwards if you want me to. 1288 00:52:03,371 --> 00:52:05,248 [laughter] 1289 00:52:05,331 --> 00:52:08,376 So... what happened that night, Sophie? 1290 00:52:08,459 --> 00:52:10,753 The night of your big Broadway debut? 1291 00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:13,673 Hmm. 1292 00:52:13,756 --> 00:52:15,883 - I got scared. - [Gordon] Well, 1293 00:52:15,967 --> 00:52:17,009 I think we can all understand that. 1294 00:52:17,093 --> 00:52:18,469 You were afraid that you'd fail? 1295 00:52:19,554 --> 00:52:21,305 I think I was afraid I'd be good. 1296 00:52:21,389 --> 00:52:23,766 - [laughter] - It's not a joke. 1297 00:52:23,850 --> 00:52:25,601 I was ready for that chance. 1298 00:52:25,685 --> 00:52:28,604 I rehearsed and rehearsed, and... 1299 00:52:28,688 --> 00:52:33,109 You ever feel so close to something you really want, 1300 00:52:33,192 --> 00:52:37,280 so close that you just can't stand it, 1301 00:52:37,363 --> 00:52:40,616 so you destroy it? You-you blow it all up? 1302 00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:42,618 No. 1303 00:52:42,702 --> 00:52:45,913 Well, I glad you haven't, and I hope you never will. 1304 00:52:45,997 --> 00:52:48,958 Hmm. Put that on your plate, gang. 1305 00:52:49,041 --> 00:52:50,167 - [audience chuckles] - Let's take a short break. 1306 00:52:50,251 --> 00:52:51,460 You're watching The Gordon Ford Show. 1307 00:52:51,544 --> 00:52:53,546 - [laughter and applause] - ♪ ♪ 1308 00:52:57,341 --> 00:52:59,677 - [laughter] - [Sophie] I told you so. 1309 00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:02,096 - [Gordon laughs] - Right? 1310 00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,181 - All right. One last question. - Indeed. 1311 00:53:04,265 --> 00:53:06,726 - Yes. Mm-hmm. - On behalf of millions, 1312 00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:09,186 are we ever gonna see Sophie from Queens again? 1313 00:53:09,270 --> 00:53:10,938 Sophie from Queens? 1314 00:53:11,022 --> 00:53:13,024 [laughter and applause] 1315 00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:16,277 Hey. Heck, 1316 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:18,029 Sophie's having a comeback! 1317 00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:21,198 She's running after her career, yelling, "Come back!" 1318 00:53:21,282 --> 00:53:23,701 [laughter and applause] 1319 00:53:23,784 --> 00:53:25,745 But, you know, 1320 00:53:25,828 --> 00:53:29,665 I would like my fans to get to know me, Gordon. 1321 00:53:29,749 --> 00:53:31,834 I'd like for them to spend some time 1322 00:53:31,918 --> 00:53:33,586 with the real Sophie Lennon. 1323 00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:35,338 She's fun, too. 1324 00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:37,423 Well, you've been a lot of fun here tonight, Sophie. 1325 00:53:37,506 --> 00:53:40,176 A real gamer. You are a true legend 1326 00:53:40,259 --> 00:53:41,928 in this business. And who here is perfect? 1327 00:53:42,011 --> 00:53:44,388 Certainly not me. Took a lot of guts to come out here 1328 00:53:44,472 --> 00:53:45,890 and talk with me today, and I want to thank you. 1329 00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:47,516 I look forward to seeing what you're doing next, 1330 00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:48,976 'cause I will be watching. 1331 00:53:49,060 --> 00:53:50,519 - Sophie Lennon, everyone. - [cheering and applause] 1332 00:53:50,603 --> 00:53:53,564 Thank you. Thank you so much. 1333 00:53:57,318 --> 00:53:59,487 [woman] We love you, Sophie! 1334 00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:00,988 [elevator bell chimes] 1335 00:54:02,156 --> 00:54:03,491 Who are you? 1336 00:54:03,574 --> 00:54:05,576 I'm here for the interview. I had a 4:00. 1337 00:54:05,660 --> 00:54:06,661 - Today? - Yeah. 1338 00:54:06,744 --> 00:54:07,745 Fuck. 1339 00:54:07,828 --> 00:54:08,996 You do need a secretary. 1340 00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:10,456 You've been here since 4:00? 1341 00:54:10,539 --> 00:54:12,333 3:30. I didn't want to be late. 1342 00:54:12,416 --> 00:54:13,668 Wow. 1343 00:54:13,751 --> 00:54:16,170 You've been waiting for seven hours? 1344 00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:19,715 - Okay, you're hired. - I am? 1345 00:54:19,799 --> 00:54:21,050 Congratulations. You want a beer? 1346 00:54:21,133 --> 00:54:22,760 Do I still get the job if I say no? 1347 00:54:22,843 --> 00:54:25,012 - Yep. You start tomorrow. - What time? 1348 00:54:25,096 --> 00:54:27,348 I don't know. What time do jobs start? 1349 00:54:27,431 --> 00:54:29,767 You're probably sleeping late, so 10:00? 1350 00:54:29,850 --> 00:54:31,018 Good call. 1351 00:54:31,102 --> 00:54:32,687 - See you tomorrow. - Hey, 1352 00:54:32,770 --> 00:54:34,271 your first job is gonna be to tell all those other broads 1353 00:54:34,355 --> 00:54:36,357 - they didn't get the job. - Fine by me. 1354 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,235 - Make it 10:30. - See you at noon. 1355 00:54:39,318 --> 00:54:41,612 - [elevator door closes] - Hey, wait, what's your name? 1356 00:54:41,696 --> 00:54:43,739 [elevator whirring] 1357 00:54:47,118 --> 00:54:49,370 You taking Eighth? There's construction on Eighth. 1358 00:54:49,453 --> 00:54:50,538 I'm not taking Eighth. 1359 00:54:50,621 --> 00:54:51,831 Huh. Felt you turn right. 1360 00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:52,999 That would put you on Eighth. 1361 00:54:53,082 --> 00:54:54,667 Oh, look at that. You're on Eighth. 1362 00:54:54,750 --> 00:54:57,169 - Get off of Eighth? - Yes, ma'am. 1363 00:54:59,171 --> 00:55:01,924 - Wait. Wait, stop. - What? 1364 00:55:02,008 --> 00:55:04,677 Pull over. Shit. 1365 00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:06,762 [♪ The Bangles: "Hero Takes a Fall"] 1366 00:55:11,892 --> 00:55:14,645 ♪ The hero is exposed when ♪ 1367 00:55:14,729 --> 00:55:17,857 ♪ His crimes are brought to the light of day ♪ 1368 00:55:17,940 --> 00:55:20,776 ♪ Won't be feeling sorry, sorry, sorry ♪ 1369 00:55:20,860 --> 00:55:23,863 ♪ On the judgment day ♪ 1370 00:55:23,946 --> 00:55:27,116 ♪ Wasn't it me who said ♪ 1371 00:55:27,199 --> 00:55:29,326 ♪ There'd be a price to pay ♪ 1372 00:55:29,410 --> 00:55:32,121 ♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪ 1373 00:55:32,204 --> 00:55:35,416 ♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪ 1374 00:55:35,499 --> 00:55:41,505 ♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪ 1375 00:55:45,134 --> 00:55:48,345 ♪ Your mother told you stories ♪ 1376 00:55:48,429 --> 00:55:51,640 ♪ You substitute with girls who tell you more ♪ 1377 00:55:51,724 --> 00:55:54,560 ♪ Suddenly your sycophants are chanting ♪ 1378 00:55:54,643 --> 00:55:57,271 ♪ Slogans at your door ♪ 1379 00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:00,775 ♪ We're seeing through you now ♪ 1380 00:56:00,858 --> 00:56:03,110 ♪ I saw it all before ♪ 1381 00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:06,030 ♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪ 1382 00:56:06,113 --> 00:56:09,200 ♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪ 1383 00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:15,456 ♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪ 1384 00:56:24,048 --> 00:56:27,384 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1385 00:56:27,468 --> 00:56:30,054 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 1386 00:56:30,137 --> 00:56:33,474 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1387 00:56:33,557 --> 00:56:36,227 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 1388 00:56:36,310 --> 00:56:39,605 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1389 00:56:39,688 --> 00:56:42,024 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 1390 00:56:46,821 --> 00:56:49,865 ♪ Emotion is a virtue ♪ 1391 00:56:49,949 --> 00:56:52,743 ♪ For you, it is the one fatal flaw ♪ 1392 00:56:52,827 --> 00:56:55,121 ♪ Sitting on your throne and drinking ♪ 1393 00:56:55,204 --> 00:56:58,916 ♪ Thinking she'll return your call ♪ 1394 00:56:58,999 --> 00:57:02,378 ♪ Every story's got an ending ♪ 1395 00:57:02,461 --> 00:57:04,588 ♪ Look out, here it comes, here it comes ♪ 1396 00:57:04,672 --> 00:57:07,716 ♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪ 1397 00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:10,845 ♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪ 1398 00:57:10,928 --> 00:57:18,185 ♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪ 1399 00:57:19,770 --> 00:57:22,773 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1400 00:57:22,857 --> 00:57:24,316 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 1401 00:57:25,860 --> 00:57:28,946 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1402 00:57:29,029 --> 00:57:30,447 ♪ Oh, oh ♪♪