1 00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,639 - SHIRLEY: Miriam! - Ah! 2 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,637 - There's a man on the phone. - What man? Who is it? 3 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,349 A mean man, an angry man. 4 00:00:13,389 --> 00:00:15,729 He says if you're not on the subway in ten minutes, 5 00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:17,096 - you'll be late. - What time is it? 6 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,273 "Get her ass on that fuckin' subway!" 7 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,731 - And that's one of the nicer things he said to me. - Tell him I'm coming. 8 00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:24,532 - What am I, your secretary? - I'm coming! 9 00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,737 - Who's in the bathroom?! - And he thought I was a man. 10 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,607 - Moishe, get out of the bathroom! - Why in the world 11 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,454 would he think I was a man? 12 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:31,989 I'm coming, Susie, I'm coming! 13 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,702 I will be on time, I promise! 14 00:00:33,743 --> 00:00:36,253 Susie? Who would name a boy Susie? 15 00:00:36,287 --> 00:00:39,117 Hands! Elbow! Foot! 16 00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:41,495 Lox? Hands! 17 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,169 Go, go, go, go, go! 18 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,513 Excuse me! Coming through! 19 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,759 Morning. 20 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,135 - DICKIE: Right on time. - Told ya. 21 00:00:52,178 --> 00:00:53,508 - IRENE: Morning, guys. - Hi, Irene. 22 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:54,854 Let's get a mic check. 23 00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,679 Mic check. Uno, dos. Uno, dos. 24 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:57,934 Good for me, Dickie. 25 00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,595 Let's do it. Take it from the top, Midge. 26 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,653 - Housewife? - What else? -Rolling. 27 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:05,017 MIDGE: "Paramus Ford has the best deals in town." 28 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,025 "They're so good that even I can understand the savings... 29 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,028 and I'm a woman!" 30 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,989 Perfecto. Next. 31 00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:13,740 "With its natural mildness and gorgeous aftertaste, 32 00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:16,453 "more expectant mothers prefer Pall Mall cigarettes 33 00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:17,914 over any other brand." 34 00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,463 - Can they prove that? - No idea. Next. 35 00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,628 "Run to buy hosiery that never runs, 36 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:25,666 at B. Altman's nylon sale. Ends Thursday." 37 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,051 I used to work at B. Altman. 38 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,297 Don't care. Next. 39 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,633 "Bell Brothers Shoes is opening a brand-new" 40 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:35,045 "Staten Island location, and we're opening with a bang." 41 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,345 - (popping balloon) - Holy fuck! 42 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,058 - Sorry. - No one told me about balloons. 43 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,058 That is seriously fucked up, Dickie! 44 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,440 A little warning next time! 45 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:43,517 The big balloon next to her head wasn't a tip-off? 46 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,982 - I'm gonna need a minute. - SUSIE: She's gonna need a minute now, Dickie. 47 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,533 This is very upsetting! 48 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,316 Jesus Christ, she's so fragile. 49 00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:52,071 - DICKIE: Great job. - Thank you, sir. 50 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,622 - Sign here. - Got another housewife spot at 12:30, you interested? 51 00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:58,158 We'll take it. Five bucks, we can retire now. 52 00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:00,252 This game is piecework. You do a lot, you make a lot. 53 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,577 - Let's go. - Later, guys. 54 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,872 See you at 12:30. And don't be late! 55 00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,126 Come on. 56 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,286 - Ooh! - Oh! 57 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,296 - Ooh! - Hey! 58 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:10,547 SUSIE: Studio B! 59 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,469 Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00. 60 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,088 Nice and punctual. Here's the script. 61 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,594 Thank you, sir. 62 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,466 It's a spot for a business in the Bronx. 63 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,473 - I'm playing a four-year-old girl? - Guess so. 64 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,095 Why didn't you just get a four-year-old girl? 65 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,891 They can't read. Check the mic. 66 00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:25,895 (little girl voice): One-two, one-two, I'm a little girl. 67 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,438 There's my next source of nightmares. 68 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,441 So it's just you today. We fill in the dad part later. 69 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,283 - Got it. - Rolling. 70 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,819 "Look at that. I want it." 71 00:02:34,864 --> 00:02:36,074 Sounds good. Next line? 72 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,866 "It's so big, Daddy." (normal voice): Wait. 73 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,489 - What. - Is this pornography? 74 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,076 - It's not pornography. - Sounds like pornography. 75 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,872 It's not pornography. Keep going, from the last line. 76 00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:47,245 (little girl voice): "It's so big, Daddy. 77 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,753 I want to lick it." 78 00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:49,924 (normal voice): This is pornography. 79 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,672 - Definitely pornography. - No, no, look, 80 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,174 she's a kid out with her dad, 81 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:54,675 he's buying her an ice cream bar. 82 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,427 - At a cathouse. - Not at a cathouse. 83 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,968 - This is pornography. - It's not pornography! 84 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,473 Hey, that's my competition! 85 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,015 It's piecework, Dickie. You do a lot, you make a lot. 86 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,849 12:30, don't forget. 87 00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:08,015 - Hands. - Belt buckle. 88 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:09,363 - Breath. - Heel. 89 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,228 - Tuna fish? - Elbow. 90 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:12,935 - Hat. - Cab? 91 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,855 - Cab. - Fart. 92 00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:16,614 Hands. 93 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,871 (car honking) 94 00:03:23,913 --> 00:03:26,543 Hey, keep it running. Wait for us. 95 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,590 MIDGE: "Soft and gentle, so comfortable", 96 00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:34,300 "and so easy to carry. 97 00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:37,180 "A month's supply fits easily into your purse. 98 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,137 "So try Pursettes, ladies. 99 00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:42,008 No one will ever know who came to visit." 100 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,266 PAT: Well done. 101 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:45,557 - Thank you, Mrs. Maisel. - MIDGE: You're very welcome. 102 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,231 - Thanks, Susie. - All I need is the check. 103 00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,599 PAT: The check? 104 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,766 I thought you understood how the compensation was gonna work. 105 00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:58,703 - I'll get the door. - I'll get the door. 106 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,739 (grunts) You told everybody these things were easy to carry. 107 00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:02,794 Hey! 108 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,326 For the record, 109 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,910 they said nothing about paying us in tampons. 110 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,205 A lifetime supply. 111 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,707 Would they do this to a man, huh? 112 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,289 Would they pay him whatever a tampon equivalent is for a guy? 113 00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:13,415 Men don't even have a tampon equivalent. Men suck. 114 00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,422 Got enough to get the Rockettes to menopause. 115 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,884 I'll make it work. These things must have a street value. 116 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,885 You are not selling tampons on the street. 117 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,217 I'll do what I got to do. Downtown, driver. 118 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,472 - MIDGE: I'm starving. - SUSIE: Sorry. 119 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:24,724 - MIDGE: Food. - SUSIE: Later. 120 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,152 Look out! 121 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,187 - Oh! - Coming through. 122 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:36,986 Midge, this is Pete Drummond. 123 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,277 He owns Pete's Mortuary Services in Brooklyn, 124 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,491 and this is Mrs. Drummond. 125 00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,121 Nice to meet you, Mr. Drummond, Mrs. Drummond. 126 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,907 - Likewise. - Nice to meet you. 127 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,161 Hey, I assume you're past the point of needing these? 128 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,754 DICKIE: Pete wrote the spot. 129 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,669 I'll let him fill you in on what he's looking for. 130 00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:52,128 MIDGE: Wonderful. 131 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:55,457 It's a husband and wife dealing with the death of a loved one. 132 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,134 It's such a sensitive matter, 133 00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,092 and the performances need to reflect that sensitivity. 134 00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,304 Absolutely. 135 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,263 It's the most sensitive matter there is. 136 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,763 - Let's try one. - Rolling. 137 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,715 DICKIE: Any time, guys. 138 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,135 - "Dad's dead." - (laughing) 139 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,734 I am so sorry. 140 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:13,439 - This isn't funny. - MIDGE: I know, it just weirdly 141 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,360 struck me as funny. I'm so, so sorry. 142 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,860 - Shall we try it again, Midge? - MIDGE: Absolutely. 143 00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,652 - (clears throat) - "Dad's dead, 144 00:05:20,696 --> 00:05:22,606 and he was my hero." 145 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,366 "Mine, too. What do we do? It's such a confusing time." 146 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,250 JOHNNY: "Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services." 147 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,577 MIDGE: "Good idea. 148 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,371 They'll have a slab for Dad." 149 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:32,785 (laughing): I'm sorry, 150 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,633 is this not supposed to be funny? 151 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,459 It's not supposed to be funny, Midge. 152 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,724 It's about a man who's passed away. 153 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,717 I'm sorry. This is so disrespectful. I'm good. 154 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,850 - Let's try again. - Just take it from the last couple lines. 155 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,217 Still rolling. 156 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,563 "Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services." 157 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:51,729 "Good idea. They'll have a slab for Dad." 158 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:53,769 "And they'll come to you, wherever you are." 159 00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:54,982 "It's such a comfort 160 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,232 "to know that Dad will... 161 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,534 Rest in Pete's." (laughing) 162 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,398 - (chuckling) - Let's take five. 163 00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,368 Hey! 164 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,827 Door, door, door, door, door, door, door. 165 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,456 "Ladies, stay fit and trim the easy way, 166 00:06:12,498 --> 00:06:15,958 with amphetamines, the pleasantest way to reduce." 167 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:18,251 And cut. Great job, Midge. 168 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:21,465 Hey, you got any? 169 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,965 - Food? - Food. 170 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,268 This week we're on par to make about what we made last week, 171 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,017 - 35 bucks or so. - Not bad. 172 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,099 Gross. Net, food and cabs ate up half of that. 173 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,015 What're you looking at me for? You eat, too. 174 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,404 - No more cabs. - Susie. 175 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,650 They're eating up our profits. 176 00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,241 It was your idea to take a cab today. 177 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,606 And it was a bad idea. No more cabs. 178 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:46,454 Without cabs, I show up looking gross and sweaty. 179 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,620 It's fucking radio. It doesn't matter how you look. 180 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,909 But I'll feel bad, and if I feel bad, it'll show up in my voice. 181 00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,164 Okay, but we cannot lose money doing this. 182 00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:56,536 This is supposed to sustain us until we go back out on tour. 183 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,753 - Hopefully, that'll be soon. - Mm. 184 00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:01,264 What a time for Shy Baldwin to get "exhaustion." 185 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,416 The guy doesn't even tie his own fucking shoes, 186 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:06,005 - how exhausted can he be? - I don't know. 187 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:09,391 - Pressures of stardom, I guess. - It's been two months. 188 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,389 He should be rested by now. 189 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,061 We need ketchup. Be right back. 190 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,516 Saturday, nickel on the Tigers, 191 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,355 a dime each on the Cards and the Reds. 192 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,610 - Cards and the Reds? - Yeah. 193 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,071 You know they're playing each other. 194 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,241 - I know. - You're betting against yourself. 195 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,530 - I got a system. - Everyone's got a system. 196 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,994 Mine works. I got to go. 197 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,830 - Come on. - What happened to the ketchup? 198 00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:38,043 I changed my mind. Grab it to go. 199 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,093 ♪ ♪ 200 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,125 "Parker makes a girl-sized pen for my girl-sized hands." 201 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,098 Got it. 202 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,597 "The flowers at Fleishman's are never droopy. 203 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,059 Trust me, she expects you to get fresh." 204 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,188 Got it. 205 00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:01,188 "Toffenetti's is the cathedral of restaurants. 206 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:04,071 We're famous for our ham." 207 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,859 - Got it. - You're done, Midge. 208 00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,834 (Susie and Midge snoring) 209 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,246 We didn't want to leave the theater. Nobody did. 210 00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:25,455 We floated home, like dandelions, 211 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,545 just floating across the East River. 212 00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,471 - Morning, everyone. - OTHERS: Morning. 213 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,969 We were just telling your parents 214 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,181 about a wonderful show we saw last night. 215 00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,062 - Bye Bye Birdie. You seen it? - Heard of it. 216 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:37,138 It's spectacular, a masterpiece. 217 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,314 So many wonderful melodies, 218 00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:41,023 and they just keep running through my head. 219 00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:43,443 ♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-di, la-di-dah... ♪ 220 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,192 I don't think that's one of them, 221 00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:47,444 but it does have some nice tunes. 222 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,486 - It sounds very nice. - MOISHE: And that actress, 223 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,659 - Chita Rivera. (purrs) - Oh, Moishe. 224 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,369 Good thing I wear my pants loose in the crotch. Know what I mean? 225 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:58,250 - Unfortunately. - MOISHE: Probably not your cup of tea, 226 00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,168 though, right, Abe? Bye Bye Birdie? 227 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,577 I know nothing about the show, Moishe. 228 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:03,125 MOISHE: Yes, but I know you, 229 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,338 and I know you wouldn't like Bye Bye Birdie 230 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,089 because Bye Bye Birdie is entertaining. 231 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:10,090 - I know nothing about the show. - Well, it's a masterpiece. 232 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,893 I'm sure it's a piece of something. 233 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,217 Tonight, we go to a movie, 234 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,932 it's supposed to be cute, Where The Boys Are. 235 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,182 I'll tell you where the boys are. 236 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,643 Attached to the thing that was saluting 237 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,643 Chita Rivera in Bye Bye Birdie last night. 238 00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,055 (purrs) 239 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:23,273 You guys are hitting the town a lot these days. 240 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,903 Well, it's always nice to venture out, 241 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,530 what with the close quarters here. 242 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,566 We'll be out of your hair soon, Moishe, I promise. 243 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,740 I will be, too, Moishe, it really is just temporary. 244 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,529 Look, we're fine with what's happening here. 245 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,872 We're family, but your father, 246 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,328 he's being stubborn. 247 00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,698 I offered to put key money up for an apartment for them, 248 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:39,995 but he wouldn't hear of it. 249 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,498 We don't need your money, Moishe. 250 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,330 MOISHE: You just fired your maid of 20 years 251 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,245 and you cried when you did it. I saw you cry. 252 00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,125 I don't need your money because I just completed 253 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,971 my Abe and Rose "End of Days" calculations. 254 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,877 Now that they're done, we can find a place, 255 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,335 get Zelda back part-time, and we'll be fine. 256 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:55,756 I'm afraid to ask. 257 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,724 He's worked so hard on this. Explain it, Abe. 258 00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,894 It's quite simple: I've added up our projected pension 259 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:04,154 and social security payments, matched them to our expenses, 260 00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:07,227 adjusted for inflation, and calculated the numbers of years 261 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,694 your mother and I get to live. 262 00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,244 Get to live? 263 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:13,487 - For me, it's the age of 67. - But you're 62, so... 264 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,620 - I have to die in five years. - This is morbid. 265 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,078 I get to live till I'm 69, 266 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,748 assuming I don't get hit by a bus. 267 00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:23,416 Now, obviously, if I die early, say at age 65, 268 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,377 then those two years can be added to your mother's. 269 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,707 - ROSE: So I'll get to live till I'm 71. - ABE: Either which way, 270 00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:29,763 - I need to be dead by 1965. - Mm. 271 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,126 Need any help... 272 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:34,433 (laughs) ♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-dah ♪ 273 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,848 ♪ La-di-di-dah... ♪ 274 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:40,677 Third base line, fifth row. Best seats you've ever had. 275 00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,984 - What did I do to deserve this? - What did you do? 276 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,848 I was able to reach you after offering them 277 00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:46,515 to six other people who turned me down. 278 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,613 - I'm touched, really. - (Archie whistling) 279 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,818 DON: Hey, there he is. I heard you were camping here. 280 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,820 - Just for the time being, Donny. - DON: Time being? 281 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,952 - I heard two months. - But he's at home all the time. 282 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,989 For the kids. I'm there to put them to bed, 283 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,453 I am there when they wake up, 284 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,753 I am there for every meal, even snacks. 285 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:04,747 It's just when Imogene goes to bed, I come here and go to bed. 286 00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:06,290 With Joel? That's weird. 287 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,383 Not in his bed. In that bed. 288 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,458 With Ethan? That's weirder. 289 00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:10,923 Not when Ethan's here. When he's here, 290 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,212 I lay out fabric on the floor 291 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,965 and make a pillow out of bolts of cloth. 292 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,007 - That's weird, too. - ARCHIE: I can't keep explaining it, Donny. 293 00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,681 They're gonna patch it up any day, Don. 294 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,639 - That's the point. - Any day. 295 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,269 I hope so 'cause it's weird. 296 00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,427 Got to pick up charcoal for our barbecue this weekend. 297 00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:27,306 - See you tonight, Joel. - Yeah, see you, Arch. 298 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,984 In case you were wondering, this is why you were my seventh call. 299 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,943 - (metallic clanging) - (man shouting) 300 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,613 Uh, Joel. 301 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,119 - What happened? - He walked headfirst into the pipe. 302 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,409 It was sitting there plain as day where it always is, 303 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:44,663 and he walked right into it. 304 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,374 - How hard you hit? - Am I dead? 305 00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,205 - No. - Then not hard enough. 306 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:50,670 - Come on, let's stand you up. - I didn't do anything. 307 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,670 - What? - The night she kicked me out. 308 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,632 You were there, I did nothing. 309 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,683 And not just 'cause you socked me in the face. 310 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,676 - I know, Arch. - I love her, Joel. 311 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,798 I love Imogene so much. I miss her. 312 00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,096 Well, have you told her? 313 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,719 It's so cold between us. I can't. 314 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,385 - It'll change. - She was my first. 315 00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,805 - There's never been anyone else. - Never? 316 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,444 - Never. - That's weird. 317 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,820 - Can you help in some way? - I'll get some water. 318 00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:14,568 - She'll come around. - She won't. 319 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:18,029 - She will. She misses you, too. - Did you talk to her? Did Midge? 320 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,121 No, but of course she does. 321 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:23,488 - I'll see you tonight. - See you tonight. 322 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,745 After I read the kids a story. 323 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,999 I'll make us some tea. 324 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,339 (alarm clock ringing) 325 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,051 (groans) 326 00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:47,102 - Good morning. - Good morning. 327 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,142 CHESTER: Good morning. 328 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,266 - SUSIE: Good morning, Chester. - Sounded like you slept well. 329 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,654 - Was I snoring? - CHESTER: Or asphyxiating. 330 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,031 Either way, I liked it. 331 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,947 How would you like your eggs today, Chester? 332 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,447 Raw. 333 00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:03,279 Okay, Jackie, first, how the fuck you figured subletting 334 00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,155 to another person while I was gone was appropriate, 335 00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,372 I don't know. 336 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,621 Second, you sub-sublet to a guy 337 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:11,083 - who's practically stalking me. - JACKIE: He didn't say he knew you. 338 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,214 Thought it would be a deal breaker. Crisscross. 339 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:17,262 (telephone ringing) 340 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,837 Hello? 341 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,222 SOPHIE (over phone): I'm excited. 342 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:21,508 Sophie, hi. 343 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,801 Not as excited as I was for that ménage à trois 344 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,965 with Vincent Price and Ethel Merman, but close. 345 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,774 Lovely. 346 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,767 - Open your door. - Open my door? 347 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,189 I've sent you a token. 348 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:33,478 - Jackie, open the door. - I think you'll like them. 349 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,772 I hunted and hunted and finally found the perfect pair. 350 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,145 - Holy shit. - What is it? 351 00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,783 Fucking birds. 352 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,200 We got the birds. 353 00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:44,319 - This is a no-pet household. - Shh. 354 00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:48,576 The birds sing, as you have given me the gift of song. 355 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,750 Allowing my voice to soar freely. 356 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,830 It really wasn't necessary. 357 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,545 - It's not fair if she gets to keep them. - I'll deal with this. 358 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,666 Look, Chester had a cat, but I wouldn't allow it, 359 00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,423 and he couldn't find someone to take it, 360 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,425 so he had to drown it in the Hudson. 361 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,547 Did you read Walter Winchell last night? 362 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:06,854 About the buzz surrounding Miss Julie? 363 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,348 No. Uh, that's great. 364 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,351 - He said there's buzz? - Oh... 365 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,943 I don't know why it took me this long to trod the boards again. 366 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,980 You are the real thing, Sophie. You came through. 367 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,403 As did you, my little bird. 368 00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,362 I'll see you at the opening, 369 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:24,323 and we'll take that bow together. 370 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,584 And by "we," I mean me. 371 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,867 See you at the opening. Bye. 372 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,959 I'm going to the opening of Miss Julie, too. 373 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,630 You fucking are not. 374 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,248 ("You'd be So Nice to Come Home to" by Helen Merrill playing) 375 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:46,264 ♪ You'd be so nice ♪ 376 00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:50,523 ♪ To come home to ♪ 377 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:54,387 ♪ You'd be so nice ♪ 378 00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:58,566 ♪ By the fire ♪ 379 00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,357 ♪ While the breeze ♪ 380 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,740 ♪ On high ♪ 381 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,857 ♪ Sang a lullaby ♪ 382 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,065 ♪ You'd be all... ♪ 383 00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,276 Oh, look at that. 384 00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:11,576 - What. - There, on the floor. 385 00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,580 - Is that a dollar? - I think it is. 386 00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:15,082 You don't see that every day. 387 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,963 Poor sap's gonna miss it when he realizes he doesn't have it. 388 00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,461 I don't know, it's only a dollar. 389 00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:21,712 Yeah, it's only a dollar. 390 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,242 ANNOUNCER: 59th Street... 391 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:49,368 This is me. See you back at the asylum. 392 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,787 Hurry, before the door closes. 393 00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,749 (indistinct chatter, laughter) 394 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,803 Your tea, Mrs. Weissman, 395 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,932 and an apricot rugelach on the house. 396 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,139 You remembered. 397 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,509 Thank you, Darla. 398 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,425 You're not in as much as before, Mrs. Weissman. 399 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,024 Yes, well, we decided to give up our apartment. 400 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,560 So big, so drafty. 401 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,614 So now we're in a wonderful house in Forest Hills. 402 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,818 Do you know it? 403 00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,067 That's Queens, isn't it? 404 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,949 Yes, it's Queens. 405 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,316 Here, Darla. 406 00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:33,954 I'll pay now, so you can go about your tasks. 407 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,953 - I'll bring your change. - Thank you. 408 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,825 Rose Weissman? Such a stranger. 409 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,753 Oh, hello, Corinne. How are you? 410 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,712 - I'm well. And you? - Astrid had her baby. 411 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,633 - Boy or girl? - His bris is tomorrow. 412 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,052 Mazel tov. 413 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,090 When was the last time we saw each other? 414 00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,974 (gasps) Not since the Benjamin debacle. 415 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,471 Oh, they came so close. 416 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,854 Yes, so close. 417 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,100 CORINNE: Boy, were we all stunned. 418 00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:59,812 Benjamin Ettenberg, the Holy Grail of bachelors, 419 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,233 head over heels in love. 420 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,231 So quickly: marriage, a townhouse. 421 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:06,233 A townhouse? For him and Miriam? 422 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,396 Big enough for a family. So gorgeous. 423 00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:09,775 I didn't know. 424 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:10,991 Well, maybe Miriam didn't know, either. 425 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,120 - Oh, I just feel so foolish. - Why? 426 00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,118 I was the one who pushed the two of them together. 427 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,790 - Such a stupid thing. - Stupid? Please. 428 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,959 - After your track record? - What track record? 429 00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,368 Remember, 430 00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,996 you put the Heifetz boy with the Feinstein girl? 431 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,673 Just suggested it at canasta, 432 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,922 - and now they have three kids. - That was one time. 433 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,174 CORINNE: In the Catskills, 434 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,375 you told Sara Halpern to dance with Mel Kleinman, 435 00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,256 and now they're married with one on the way. 436 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:34,513 The list goes on and on. 437 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,684 Really, Corinne, they're all just shots in the dark. 438 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,983 Well, then you're the Annie Oakley of matchmaking. 439 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,767 If you could only help my Shira. 440 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,020 She's still on the market? 441 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,521 - She's day-old bread. - Oh, Corinne. 442 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,404 Well, what can you do? 443 00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:49,781 At least there'll be someone to look after me in my old age. 444 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,449 It was nice to see you, Rose. Say hello to Abe? 445 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:53,779 I will. 446 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,493 - The butcher's boy. - Beg pardon? 447 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,334 - Melvin Goldfarb. - He was studying law. 448 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,160 Then he turned to veterinary medicine. 449 00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:02,536 I didn't know. 450 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,542 And your daughter has all those cats. 451 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:08,094 Six, and a dog, and a pot-bellied pig. 452 00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,919 You're a natural, Rose. I'm taking her shopping. 453 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,335 ROSE: Corinne? 454 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:15,143 How many floors 455 00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:17,348 to Benjamin's townhouse? 456 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:20,308 Four, at least, and a yard, 457 00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:23,060 and now it's on the market, discounted. 458 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,272 So gorgeous. Bye, Rose. 459 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,323 Buh-bye. 460 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,913 (bells tolling) 461 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,756 Simon! 462 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,178 Simon! 463 00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,087 (chuckles) Hello. 464 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,135 I got to go. 465 00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:01,347 Simon! 466 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,647 Simon, wait. 467 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:08,107 Simon! 468 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,612 Excuse me. 469 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,032 Simon, wait! 470 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,911 It's me, Abe. 471 00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,078 Wait! 472 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,963 Simon! 473 00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:30,174 It's Abe Weissman! Wait! 474 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:34,051 Simon! Simon! Simon! 475 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:36,050 (chuckling): Abe. 476 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,092 - What a surprise. - Hello, Simon. 477 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,046 I thought I'd never catch up to you. 478 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,466 You're in very good shape. 479 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,814 I play a little squash. So what can I do for you? 480 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,730 Nothing. I was just taking a stroll around campus 481 00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,189 for old times' sake and I happened to spot you. 482 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,860 Lucky me. 483 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,149 - How's the family? - There he is. That's him. 484 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,151 SIMON: Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle. 485 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,283 - And, uh, your wife? - SECURITY GUARD: Sir? 486 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,910 - She's well? - Uh, sure. 487 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,367 We should get together, 488 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,157 - the four of us. - We should, we really should. 489 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,240 Before 1965, if possible. 490 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:04,696 I really have to go now, Abe. 491 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,416 I don't want to keep you. I just wanted to say hello. 492 00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,457 Hello. 493 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,590 Bye. 494 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,628 (lock clicks) 495 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,010 All right, then, gang. Now let's roll up our sleeves 496 00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:22,563 and see if we can tackle these vector identities. 497 00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:23,767 Abbie, 498 00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:25,386 why are you working out this section 499 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,443 with a Levi-Civita symbol? 500 00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,647 Let us in on your methodology here. 501 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,857 Hello, everyone. 502 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,647 Professor Weissman. 503 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,980 - Hello, Professor Weissman. - Hope I'm not disturbing you. 504 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:38,066 - I just wanted to stop by. - But not to teach? 505 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:41,822 - That's right, not to teach. - (sighs) 506 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:45,496 So good to see all of you. How are you doing? 507 00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:49,826 Truman, you look well. Your complexion, it's so clear. 508 00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:52,504 I've been sleeping wonderfully since... 509 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,923 well, I last saw you. 510 00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:58,223 Good to hear. Sleep is very important. 511 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,087 - And Kevin. - Lance. 512 00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:03,104 - You're holding yourself well. - I'm taking boxing lessons. 513 00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:06,057 - Really? - So that no one will ever pick on me again. 514 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,229 Wonderful. I wouldn't want anyone to do that. 515 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,768 And Abbie, you're still here? 516 00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:15,153 - Y-Yes, sir. - Okay. 517 00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:18,951 Well, these are great boys, Professor. 518 00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:22,527 They all deserve their place here, 519 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,373 all but six. 520 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,289 And I just want you to know, 521 00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:29,157 all the angst that pervaded this room, 522 00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:33,705 all the tsuris it caused, it was me. 523 00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:36,051 I made you sweat. 524 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,417 I made you nervous. 525 00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:42,224 I made you break out in hives and run home to your mommies. 526 00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,350 For the record, I didn't run. I didn't. 527 00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:49,228 My ego got in the way. 528 00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:52,557 Teaching is an act of generosity, 529 00:21:52,603 --> 00:21:57,033 and I was miserly. 530 00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,936 But I can't say that I haven't missed the joy 531 00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:02,736 of Socratic debate with you all. 532 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:06,620 The pleasure one gets in witnessing young minds 533 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:09,289 striving for truth, the singular wonder of it, 534 00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:12,038 the joy of personal discovery, 535 00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:14,381 with freedom 536 00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:17,417 to make mistakes and learn from them. 537 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:25,468 But I think this change of pace was good for you men. 538 00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,971 I see now that 539 00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:31,274 this isn't where I belong. 540 00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:34,899 It's where you belong. 541 00:22:34,937 --> 00:22:38,357 Besides him, him, him, him, him, and him. 542 00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:40,109 ♪ Goodbye... ♪ 543 00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:43,491 I'll leave you to it, Professor. 544 00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:45,949 I'll leave you to it. 545 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,450 - Goodbye, Professor Weissman. - Goodbye, Professor Weissman. 546 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,873 Goodbye, Professor Weissman. 547 00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:52,081 Take care of yourself, sir. 548 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,371 ♪ Goodbye... ♪ 549 00:22:53,414 --> 00:22:56,004 Goodbye, boys. 550 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:59,132 Happy lives. 551 00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,260 ♪ Goodbye. ♪ 552 00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:08,756 "It's simply the most flavorful syrup in the whole wide world. 553 00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:12,975 "Pour it on your pancakes, your waffle, your French toast. 554 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:15,647 "Smack your lips and ask for more. 555 00:23:15,686 --> 00:23:17,186 "Karo Pancake Syrup. 556 00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:21,320 "It's so good. So good. 557 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,149 So good!" 558 00:23:24,195 --> 00:23:25,355 THOMASON: And cut. 559 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:28,414 We're happy, very happy. Thank you, Mrs. Maisel. 560 00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:30,369 You're so welcome. 561 00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:31,909 - She did a great job. - Thanks, Thomason. 562 00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:34,213 All we need is the check and we're on our way. 563 00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:35,577 THOMASON: The check? 564 00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:38,423 I thought you understood how the compensation was gonna work. 565 00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:40,039 This is heavier than the tampons. 566 00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:41,336 I think mine's leaking. 567 00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:42,959 You have got to read the contracts. 568 00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:45,165 I read the contract. This was not in the contract. 569 00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:47,676 I'm a comedian. When do I go back to being a comedian? 570 00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,508 - Open the door. - No, you open the door. 571 00:23:49,554 --> 00:23:51,064 (grunts) It's running down my pants. 572 00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,637 - I'll open the door. - Shit. 573 00:23:52,682 --> 00:23:54,982 I got pancake syrup running down the inside of my pants. 574 00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:57,267 - It's gonna stain. - Fuck. 575 00:23:57,311 --> 00:23:59,311 My thighs are sticking to each other. 576 00:24:00,481 --> 00:24:02,941 "It's just off the Van Wyck Expressway." 577 00:24:02,984 --> 00:24:05,154 "Then I'm heading for Ludlows Menswear. 578 00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:07,914 Manhattan vices at Brooklyn prices." 579 00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,407 And we're out. Good job, guys. 580 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,238 - Come on back in. - That's it for today. 581 00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:12,664 Your girl free tomorrow night? 582 00:24:12,702 --> 00:24:14,372 She's not going out with you, Dickie. 583 00:24:14,412 --> 00:24:17,462 - For a spot, a live spot. - A live spot? Fun. For what? 584 00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:20,078 Some lady politician is sponsoring a live radio event 585 00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,496 and she wants live commercials, too. 586 00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,504 A woman running for office. I love that. 587 00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:24,876 IRENE: She wants a wholesome-sounding 588 00:24:24,922 --> 00:24:26,762 husband and wife to read whatever the copy is, 589 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:28,429 - and we thought of you two. - I'm in. 590 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,427 - Me, too. - Does it pay? 591 00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,259 And not in tampons or corn syrup? 592 00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:33,555 - It pays. - SUSIE: We'll do it. 593 00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,848 - See you, gang. - IRENE: Bye, guys. 594 00:24:35,892 --> 00:24:37,392 Hey, don't leave your syrup. 595 00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:38,635 Eh, put it on your pancakes. 596 00:24:38,686 --> 00:24:41,106 It's so good! 597 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:43,727 WOMAN (over P.A.): Paging Dr. Rosenthal. 598 00:24:43,774 --> 00:24:45,404 Please report to Urology. 599 00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:48,823 Dr. Rosenthal to Urology, please. 600 00:24:48,863 --> 00:24:51,323 Hello, Maureen. How are you this fine spring day? 601 00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:53,025 You're behind schedule, Dr. Ettenberg. 602 00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:54,825 That's not the right answer, Maureen. 603 00:24:54,869 --> 00:24:57,289 - I'm very fine, Doctor. - That's better. 604 00:24:57,330 --> 00:25:00,370 - And I promise to catch up. - You always promise. 605 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:03,126 Benjamin. 606 00:25:03,169 --> 00:25:04,879 Mrs. Weissman? 607 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:07,381 - ROSE: Hello. - Uh, what-what're you doing here? 608 00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:08,933 Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick. 609 00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:10,216 Well, good thing you're at the hospital, 610 00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:11,509 that's kind of what we specialize in. 611 00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:12,932 ROSE: No, Benjamin, I'm sick with guilt, 612 00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:14,350 about you and Miriam, 613 00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:16,178 about pushing the two of you together. 614 00:25:16,224 --> 00:25:18,394 - Oh, Mrs. Weissman... - About getting your hopes up 615 00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:20,194 and uprooting your life and causing you to make plans 616 00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:22,148 that didn't pan out because of her, 617 00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:23,358 because I set you up with her. 618 00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:25,147 - It's all my fault. - No, no, Mrs. Weissman... 619 00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:27,111 I didn't understand how serious this phase was 620 00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:29,281 that Miriam was going through, this comedy thing. 621 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,570 My timing was off. 622 00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:32,073 You're being too hard on yourself. 623 00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:33,954 Miriam was just not the right girl for you. 624 00:25:33,991 --> 00:25:36,041 She was weird, yes, but there's weird and there's weird. 625 00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:37,697 And I thought I knew which weird she was, 626 00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:39,405 - but apparently I didn't. - Rose. 627 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:43,075 Midge was the right kind of weird for me. 628 00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:44,785 She was? 629 00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:46,415 Look, I've been with a lot of women... 630 00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:47,922 - I'd heard that. - Not an excessive amount. 631 00:25:47,964 --> 00:25:49,594 - Oh, no, of course not. - But enough to have experience... 632 00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,722 - A lot of experience. - But less than many others. 633 00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,009 - I'm sure that's true. - What I'm trying to say is that 634 00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,893 you have nothing, nothing, to feel guilty about. 635 00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:58,891 Really? 636 00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:00,523 Midge was right for me. 637 00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:02,899 I just was not right for her. 638 00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:05,517 You're not just saying that? 639 00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:08,484 You did a nice thing, Rose, 640 00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:10,946 a very nice thing, 641 00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:13,237 and you are very sweet for coming here today. 642 00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:19,003 Have a very good life, Benjamin. Will you do that? 643 00:26:19,036 --> 00:26:21,326 I will. 644 00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:28,713 Benjamin, did you really buy a townhouse for the two of you? 645 00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:31,474 Yes, but don't worry, I'm very rich. 646 00:26:31,507 --> 00:26:33,507 That isn't helping. 647 00:26:35,469 --> 00:26:37,429 (telephone ringing) 648 00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:39,771 MOISHE: Can you get that, Abe? It's probably for me. 649 00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,307 - Then why don't you get it? - 'Cause I'm in the other room. 650 00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:44,351 Then just come in here and get it yourself. 651 00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,555 MOISHE: I'm not wearing pants. 652 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,024 - I'll get it. - Thank you. 653 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:53,946 Maisel residence. 654 00:26:53,988 --> 00:26:56,028 MAN (over phone): Hello. I'm calling for Abe Weissman. 655 00:26:56,073 --> 00:26:58,243 - Asher, it's Abe. - Oh, hello, Abe. 656 00:26:58,284 --> 00:26:59,624 This is a surprise. 657 00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:02,580 What surprise? You sent me that thing you wrote for me to read. 658 00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:05,251 - That was two months ago. - I thought it was a bill. 659 00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:06,961 So you finally got around to reading it? 660 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,461 Yup. Twice. 661 00:27:09,503 --> 00:27:11,463 - You went to my play. - I did. 662 00:27:11,505 --> 00:27:14,585 I specifically told you not to go to my play. 663 00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,263 So shoot me, I'm a rebel. 664 00:27:16,302 --> 00:27:19,352 And then you write about it, my play, my other plays. 665 00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:21,388 Me! A lot of this is about me. 666 00:27:21,432 --> 00:27:24,142 - It's all about you. - I told you not to go. 667 00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,725 Asher, you were in this play. 668 00:27:26,771 --> 00:27:29,691 - Come again? - Your lead character, the carpenter, 669 00:27:29,732 --> 00:27:31,322 you spoke through him. 670 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,739 It was powerful. It moved me. 671 00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:37,068 Now, the actor I saw did the whole thing shirtless... 672 00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:39,204 - Dumb choice. - and he power-sawed a two-by-four 673 00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:40,791 during the soliloquy, you could barely hear it. 674 00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:43,286 - God, I hate actors. - But the whole thing 675 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:47,749 reminded me of who you are and what theater should be. 676 00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:50,632 Broadway today, it's run by bean counters, 677 00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,799 cowards. It should be more. 678 00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:54,628 - The people deserve more. - Abe... 679 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:57,093 Your play is a masterpiece. 680 00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:58,764 Bye Bye Birdie is not a masterpiece. 681 00:27:58,803 --> 00:28:01,353 - MOISHE: Yes, it is. - Stop listening, Moishe. 682 00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:02,679 Abe, I read your piece. 683 00:28:02,723 --> 00:28:04,483 You don't need to read me your piece. 684 00:28:04,517 --> 00:28:05,937 I'm sorry. 685 00:28:05,976 --> 00:28:09,766 Look, before I try to publish it, I want your consent. 686 00:28:09,814 --> 00:28:11,774 It's important. You're my friend. 687 00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:15,646 Abe... (sighs) It-It's a nice piece of writing, but 688 00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:17,914 it hits too close to home. 689 00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:21,577 There's too much me, and my-my privacy is sacred, 690 00:28:21,617 --> 00:28:23,617 - you know that. - I do. 691 00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:24,871 So... 692 00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:30,670 I-I can't give you my consent, I-I just can't. 693 00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,339 I-I hope you understand. 694 00:28:33,379 --> 00:28:35,549 Old friend, that's why I sent it to you, 695 00:28:35,589 --> 00:28:39,089 - to get your okay. - Thank you. 696 00:28:39,135 --> 00:28:40,755 I'm gonna try to publish it anyway. 697 00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:43,223 - What? - These things need to be heard. 698 00:28:43,264 --> 00:28:45,474 Then why the hell did you ask me for my consent? 699 00:28:45,516 --> 00:28:47,056 Because I wanted your consent. 700 00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:48,851 It's probably not gonna be published. 701 00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:51,774 No, Abe, it's a good piece. It makes important points. 702 00:28:51,814 --> 00:28:53,574 - It might get published. - So you agree with it? 703 00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,277 I never said I didn't agree with it. 704 00:28:55,317 --> 00:28:57,107 I just said I would rather that it wasn't published. 705 00:28:57,153 --> 00:28:58,283 It probably won't be published. 706 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,530 It's a good piece. It might get published. 707 00:29:00,573 --> 00:29:02,623 - So you agree with it. - I never said I didn't! 708 00:29:02,658 --> 00:29:03,868 It's probably not gonna happen. 709 00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:05,409 It might! It's good! 710 00:29:05,453 --> 00:29:07,123 - It's very good! - So you like it. 711 00:29:07,163 --> 00:29:09,373 We're going around in goddamn circles here, Abe. 712 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:14,128 (sighs) 713 00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:16,920 I never asked you to resurrect my life. 714 00:29:16,964 --> 00:29:20,134 I know, but I have to try. 715 00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,386 It probably won't be published. 716 00:29:22,428 --> 00:29:24,678 It's a good piece. It might get published. 717 00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:25,682 So you think it's good? 718 00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:26,973 Never said it wasn't good. 719 00:29:27,016 --> 00:29:28,676 It probably won't get published. 720 00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:30,896 (horn honks) 721 00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:32,726 (canaries singing) 722 00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,151 Mm-hmm. 723 00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:36,230 (phone ringing) 724 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,565 Susie Myerson and Associates. 725 00:29:38,611 --> 00:29:40,361 Hold, please. 726 00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:42,414 I'm gonna start charging for this. 727 00:29:44,158 --> 00:29:46,198 (clears throat) Susie Myerson. 728 00:29:46,243 --> 00:29:48,623 TESSIE: Hey, Susie, it's me. I've been trying to get you. 729 00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,082 Tess. What is it? 730 00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:52,582 It's Mom. She's bad. Really bad. 731 00:29:52,625 --> 00:29:54,745 Shit. Her heart? 732 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,383 And her lungs, and her liver. 733 00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:58,340 Most of the time, she doesn't even know who I am. 734 00:29:58,380 --> 00:29:59,760 Sis, I'm so sorry. 735 00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,548 She needs 24-hour care, Suz, 736 00:30:01,592 --> 00:30:02,592 and I got to work. 737 00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:03,635 We're talking nursing home? 738 00:30:03,677 --> 00:30:05,297 We're talking nursing home. 739 00:30:06,347 --> 00:30:07,887 Hey, I learned to swim. 740 00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:09,142 No way. Get out of here. 741 00:30:09,183 --> 00:30:10,483 In Florida. 742 00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:11,768 I mean, I'm not Esther Williams 743 00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:13,150 or anything, but I'm not half bad. 744 00:30:13,187 --> 00:30:14,897 I lost my virginity in a swimming pool. 745 00:30:14,939 --> 00:30:16,649 - You lost it in a few different places. - (Tessie laughs) 746 00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:18,480 - In the school gym, at the automat. - (woman singing) 747 00:30:18,526 --> 00:30:20,736 - (laughing): In synagogue. - (laughing): Stop laughing. 748 00:30:20,778 --> 00:30:22,028 - You stop laughing. - (Tessie laughs) 749 00:30:22,071 --> 00:30:23,821 - (knocking) - Jackie, get that. 750 00:30:23,864 --> 00:30:25,824 - I'm not your maid. - Look in the mirror. 751 00:30:25,866 --> 00:30:27,236 Tess, I got to go. 752 00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:28,794 Oh, oh, wait. One more thing. 753 00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,997 Just so you know, Artie's eyeing Mom's house, 754 00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:33,498 and my husband's talking about moving his mother in 755 00:30:33,541 --> 00:30:35,331 because it was our mother's place, 756 00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:37,546 and somehow that makes it logical or something. 757 00:30:37,586 --> 00:30:39,546 - What did you tell them? - Call Susie. 758 00:30:39,588 --> 00:30:40,918 And that's that. 759 00:30:40,965 --> 00:30:42,335 I'll talk to you later. 760 00:30:42,383 --> 00:30:43,763 - (knocking) - Thanks for nothing. 761 00:30:43,801 --> 00:30:45,891 Mm-hmm. 762 00:30:46,929 --> 00:30:49,099 - Hey. - Hey. 763 00:30:49,139 --> 00:30:50,809 How'd you know where I live? 764 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,979 I know where all our customers live. 765 00:30:53,018 --> 00:30:54,898 You got 40 bucks due. 766 00:30:54,937 --> 00:30:56,897 - That's today? - That's today. 767 00:30:56,939 --> 00:30:58,609 Okay, okay. 768 00:30:58,649 --> 00:31:00,479 (clears throat) 769 00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:02,776 Um... I've got $30. 770 00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:04,530 I need $40. 771 00:31:04,572 --> 00:31:05,912 Jackie, you owe me ten bucks. 772 00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:07,828 - Give it to Junior. - Right. 773 00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,826 I got seven, but Chester owes me three. 774 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,408 Chester, you owe me three bucks. Give it to Junior. 775 00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:14,124 I've got two. 776 00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,254 But the newsstand guy owes me a buck. 777 00:31:16,292 --> 00:31:17,672 - Hey, Coop! - COOP: Yeah. 778 00:31:17,710 --> 00:31:20,420 - I need that buck. - All right, here you go. 779 00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,632 Thanks, Coop. Here you go. 780 00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:24,433 Thanks, Chester. Here you go. 781 00:31:24,466 --> 00:31:26,296 Thanks, Jackie. Here you go. 782 00:31:26,343 --> 00:31:29,973 Got it. Hey, remember that talk we had about not being friends? 783 00:31:30,014 --> 00:31:32,394 - Yeah. - Well, if you were my friend, 784 00:31:32,433 --> 00:31:34,693 I would tell you that if you need a bucket brigade 785 00:31:34,727 --> 00:31:36,647 to cobble up scratch, it might be time 786 00:31:36,687 --> 00:31:38,437 to slow down the gambling a little. 787 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,980 But you're not my friend. 788 00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,904 (canaries singing) 789 00:31:45,946 --> 00:31:48,026 (Susie sighs) 790 00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:55,535 Moishe, bris first, food after. 791 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:56,961 I know, I know. 792 00:31:56,999 --> 00:31:58,499 I don't want you upsetting the rabbi. 793 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,632 The rabbi's happy enough I'm wearing pants. 794 00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,419 I'm wearing pants, Rabbi! 795 00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:05,383 Oh, hey. Happy. So glad you could make it. Don't be scared. 796 00:32:05,424 --> 00:32:06,884 Chip, Greta, come on in. 797 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,425 Don't be scared. (chuckles) Paula! 798 00:32:08,469 --> 00:32:10,219 Hello. You don't know me, 799 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:12,062 but I have a piece published in today's New York Times. 800 00:32:12,097 --> 00:32:13,677 - Please take one. - ASTRID: Hi. Don't be scared. 801 00:32:13,724 --> 00:32:15,234 The written word can change the world. 802 00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,137 - Oh, it's okay. Don't be scared. - Oh, Cousin Levi. 803 00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:18,646 Has your health improved? 804 00:32:18,687 --> 00:32:20,517 I got two more operations coming up. 805 00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:22,154 Maybe this will help. 806 00:32:22,191 --> 00:32:24,401 I wrote a piece for the New York Times. Enjoy. 807 00:32:24,443 --> 00:32:25,993 The written word can change the world. 808 00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:28,158 And get better, Levi. Papa, I know you're proud, 809 00:32:28,197 --> 00:32:30,317 but you are an integral part of your grandson's bris. 810 00:32:30,366 --> 00:32:32,196 - Peddle your papers later. - Okay. 811 00:32:32,242 --> 00:32:34,952 RABBI KRINSKY: I have an announcement, everyone. Listen up. 812 00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:37,455 I know it's a workday, and everyone wants to get started 813 00:32:37,498 --> 00:32:39,538 with our Weissman bris, 814 00:32:39,583 --> 00:32:42,343 but we're three short of a minyan, 815 00:32:42,378 --> 00:32:45,338 which means that we cannot begin the prayers. 816 00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:48,681 So I'm afraid we'll have to wait. 817 00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:50,467 We'll round up some Jews for you, Rabbi. 818 00:32:50,511 --> 00:32:52,931 - Don't say, "Round up Jews." - I know. It sounded wrong. 819 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:54,351 There's nothing to be nervous about. 820 00:32:54,390 --> 00:32:55,850 Almost all boys are circumcised. 821 00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:57,431 I mean, you are, aren't you, Cousin Nicholas? 822 00:32:57,476 --> 00:32:58,846 - Uh, sure. - Well, I know. 823 00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:00,234 You showed me... a lot. (laughs) 824 00:33:00,270 --> 00:33:01,690 I don't-don't think it was a lot. 825 00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:03,440 Oh, it was. Anyhow, the only difference is, 826 00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:04,982 this just isn't in a hospital, 827 00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:06,935 so the instruments aren't necessarily sterile, 828 00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:08,355 and the doctor is a man called a "mohel," 829 00:33:08,404 --> 00:33:09,954 who has no medical training, nope. 830 00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:11,948 But it's all right because they give the baby wine, 831 00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:13,530 so it's drunk. Oh, and you know what's funny? 832 00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:15,195 I had a dream last night that I was slicing carrots, 833 00:33:15,244 --> 00:33:16,754 and I cut off the tip of my finger, 834 00:33:16,787 --> 00:33:18,287 and it just bled and bled and bled and bled. 835 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,000 And then I woke up, and it was fine, so... 836 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:21,960 Okay! We got a minyan! 837 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,380 (indistinct chatter) 838 00:33:23,419 --> 00:33:25,089 And it's my son who closed the deal. 839 00:33:25,129 --> 00:33:27,509 Meet Jacob... milkman extraordinaire 840 00:33:27,548 --> 00:33:29,718 and a son of Israel. Ha! 841 00:33:29,758 --> 00:33:31,888 (applause and cheering) 842 00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:35,137 Thank you, Levi Feldman, for leading us in the shaharith. 843 00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,020 Now, as you've all noticed, 844 00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:40,227 the baby's father Noah is unfortunately not with us today. 845 00:33:40,269 --> 00:33:43,859 He was called overseas at the last minute on urgent business. 846 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:47,187 Yes, but not for the CIA or anything. Nope. 847 00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:49,994 RABBI KRINSKY: But he gave us his blessing to proceed. 848 00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:52,608 And that we will do with aplomb. 849 00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:55,276 I'd like to welcome Mohel David Rosenbaum 850 00:33:55,325 --> 00:33:57,825 to begin the Brit Milah. 851 00:33:57,870 --> 00:33:59,250 Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky. 852 00:33:59,288 --> 00:34:01,208 - Good morning, everyone. - ALL: Good morning. 853 00:34:01,248 --> 00:34:03,078 It's an honor to be here today. 854 00:34:03,125 --> 00:34:05,375 I'm hoping this goes better than my last one. 855 00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:08,089 There's nothing funny about a mohel with hiccups. 856 00:34:08,130 --> 00:34:09,970 - (laughter) - There was another time 857 00:34:10,007 --> 00:34:11,507 I had slept badly the night before, 858 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,010 and I admit, I was a little snippy. 859 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:14,721 Oh. Oh. (laughs) 860 00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:16,642 We've had funnier mohels, I can tell you that. 861 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,390 All right, which one you think's goin' down? 862 00:34:18,432 --> 00:34:19,812 JOEL: Easy. The tall guy in back. 863 00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:21,140 MOISHE: I'm going with the lady in blue. 864 00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:23,725 Abraham Weissman, would you come join us, please? 865 00:34:23,771 --> 00:34:25,361 (Astrid sighs) 866 00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,897 And Astrid, if you please? 867 00:34:27,941 --> 00:34:30,741 Yeah. Yeah. Okay. 868 00:34:31,779 --> 00:34:33,409 ASTRID: Oh. 869 00:34:34,448 --> 00:34:35,868 How does it feel, Abe? 870 00:34:35,908 --> 00:34:37,698 Well, I never imagined 871 00:34:37,743 --> 00:34:40,293 they would publish the piece this quickly. 872 00:34:40,329 --> 00:34:42,619 With hardly any editing. It's wonderful. 873 00:34:42,664 --> 00:34:44,464 I meant to be holding your grandson. 874 00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:46,380 - Well, that's good, too. - Mm. 875 00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,418 Let's proceed. 876 00:34:50,047 --> 00:34:51,507 (loud gasping) 877 00:34:51,548 --> 00:34:52,878 - Mm. - (thuds) 878 00:34:52,925 --> 00:34:54,085 (quietly): Yes. 879 00:34:54,134 --> 00:34:55,934 Here goes nothin'. 880 00:34:55,969 --> 00:34:57,349 (baby screams) 881 00:34:57,387 --> 00:35:00,057 - ALL: Mazel tov! - (baby cries) 882 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,478 Yours didn't technically go down. 883 00:35:01,517 --> 00:35:03,017 Because those party poopers caught her. 884 00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:04,690 If they hadn't caught her, she would have crumpled 885 00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:06,858 - like a sack of potatoes. - My guy fell clean. I win. 886 00:35:06,897 --> 00:35:09,107 - It's a tie. Accept a tie. - No way, no way. 887 00:35:09,149 --> 00:35:11,149 And how did you pick the name, Astrid? 888 00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:14,033 Well, first name "Chaim" for Abe's father, 889 00:35:14,071 --> 00:35:16,031 middle name "Christian" for my grandfather. 890 00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:17,993 It's unusual. The combination. 891 00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:19,873 Can I get you anything, sweetie? 892 00:35:19,910 --> 00:35:21,950 Uh, could you see if there's been a telegram from Bahrain? 893 00:35:21,995 --> 00:35:23,955 - Will do. - Thank you. 894 00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:25,997 (indistinct crowd chatter) 895 00:35:28,502 --> 00:35:31,092 She really named the child "Chaim Christian"? 896 00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,669 She really did. 897 00:35:32,714 --> 00:35:35,474 Who in the world besides Astrid would do that? 898 00:35:35,509 --> 00:35:38,549 Sammy Davis, Jr., but that's why we love her. 899 00:35:38,595 --> 00:35:40,595 "The United States is an island of freedom, 900 00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:42,769 "achievement and prosperity. 901 00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:46,808 Nothing's more precious than our American way of life." 902 00:35:46,854 --> 00:35:48,734 - Pretty hokey. - What is it? 903 00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,402 It's the commercial I'm doing tonight. 904 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,230 It's live, so I want to be ready for it. 905 00:35:52,276 --> 00:35:54,526 You want to run lines with me? You can be my husband. 906 00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:56,150 Phyllis Schlafly? 907 00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,526 Yeah. She's a woman. 908 00:35:57,573 --> 00:35:58,993 She's running for something or other. 909 00:35:59,032 --> 00:36:00,702 Congress. In Illinois. 910 00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:02,792 - You know her? - Of course I do. 911 00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:04,498 I've been published in The New York Times. 912 00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:06,038 This is not a good woman. 913 00:36:06,081 --> 00:36:07,121 How so? 914 00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:08,825 She's a right-wing nutjob. 915 00:36:08,876 --> 00:36:10,456 She's come out against Nixon. 916 00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:12,132 Great. We don't like Nixon. 917 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:15,260 Because she thinks he's too left-wing. 918 00:36:15,299 --> 00:36:17,089 That doesn't sound real. 919 00:36:17,134 --> 00:36:20,304 She also said that Eisenhower only got in office 920 00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:23,175 because of "secret kingmakers" in New York. 921 00:36:23,223 --> 00:36:26,143 I'm not sure if you know what ethnicity she's referring to 922 00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,564 with the words "kingmakers" and "New York," 923 00:36:28,604 --> 00:36:31,364 but one of them just got part of his penis cut off. 924 00:36:31,398 --> 00:36:33,068 Well, then she's an idiot. 925 00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:34,188 She's not. 926 00:36:34,234 --> 00:36:36,194 That's what makes her dangerous. 927 00:36:36,236 --> 00:36:38,486 This is who you're doing a commercial for? 928 00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:40,280 Well... 929 00:36:40,324 --> 00:36:42,124 It's a paycheck. 930 00:36:42,159 --> 00:36:43,739 Okay. 931 00:36:45,829 --> 00:36:49,709 (sighs) If you're going to have a voice, 932 00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:52,340 you'd better be careful what that voice says. 933 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,336 MIDGE: "With God on our side, 934 00:36:56,381 --> 00:36:59,301 "this country will prevail against the tides 935 00:36:59,343 --> 00:37:01,513 - "of the Soviet threat." - JOHNNY: Agreed. 936 00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:03,683 - Less than two minutes, Irene. - Got it. 937 00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:05,722 DICKIE: So the main broadcast is happening down the hall. 938 00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,806 When they give me the signal, they'll throw it to us, 939 00:37:07,851 --> 00:37:09,481 we do our thing, we got 90 seconds, 940 00:37:09,519 --> 00:37:11,189 then we throw it back. 941 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:13,479 This is so exciting. Live broadcasts are the best. 942 00:37:13,523 --> 00:37:14,613 Let's test that sound. 943 00:37:14,650 --> 00:37:16,490 JOHNNY: This is Johnny, one-two, one-two. 944 00:37:16,526 --> 00:37:18,106 That works. Midge? 945 00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:19,283 Midge? 946 00:37:19,321 --> 00:37:21,071 Sorry. Uh, one-two, one-two. 947 00:37:21,114 --> 00:37:22,534 I guess that'll suffice. 948 00:37:22,574 --> 00:37:24,204 Your girl drink too much Karo Syrup last night? 949 00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,452 - Where's her energy? - She'll be up for the broadcast, Dickie. 950 00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:27,955 Don't wet your panties. 951 00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:29,666 - 60 seconds to air. - So the point is 952 00:37:29,706 --> 00:37:31,286 to sound super wholesome. 953 00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:33,923 Think freckled-faced, blonde-haired kids, 954 00:37:33,961 --> 00:37:35,801 picket fences, ice cream socials. 955 00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:37,207 You know, they want you to sound like... 956 00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:38,625 - America. - Right. 957 00:37:38,674 --> 00:37:40,684 Like America. Questions? 958 00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:42,087 - Nope. - Excellent. 959 00:37:42,135 --> 00:37:43,965 Midge? 960 00:37:44,012 --> 00:37:45,142 Midge? 961 00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:46,600 I can't. 962 00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:47,810 I'm sorry. What was that? 963 00:37:47,849 --> 00:37:49,019 I can't do this. 964 00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:51,849 This woman, this Schlafly woman... she's awful. 965 00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:53,515 I stopped by the library. I looked her up. 966 00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:55,233 She is racist and sexist 967 00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:57,403 and she uses way too much hairspray. 968 00:37:57,442 --> 00:37:58,862 I don't want to speak for her. 969 00:37:58,902 --> 00:38:00,112 I'm sorry, what did she say? 970 00:38:00,153 --> 00:38:01,363 (forced laughter) Not the best time 971 00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:02,655 to be joking around like this, Midge. 972 00:38:02,698 --> 00:38:04,118 These comedians, they make jokes and sometimes 973 00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,327 they don't know where the line is. 974 00:38:05,367 --> 00:38:06,367 I'm not joking. 975 00:38:06,410 --> 00:38:07,370 I'm not doing this. 976 00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:09,161 - And you shouldn't either. - Dickie? 977 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:11,124 Susie? Help, please. 978 00:38:11,164 --> 00:38:12,464 Uh, Miriam? 979 00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:14,289 Step up to the mic and say the words. 980 00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:15,544 Then I will buy you a hat. 981 00:38:15,585 --> 00:38:16,955 30 seconds, Dickie. 982 00:38:17,004 --> 00:38:19,844 Susie, do you have any idea how horrible this woman is? 983 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,171 I think everybody's horrible. 984 00:38:21,216 --> 00:38:22,506 Not as horrible as her. 985 00:38:22,551 --> 00:38:24,391 But she's paying you, which makes me like her. 986 00:38:24,428 --> 00:38:25,888 So say the goddamn words. 987 00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:27,389 Sorry. I'm out. 988 00:38:27,431 --> 00:38:28,811 IRENE: 15 seconds, Dickie. 989 00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:31,689 Miriam, you just recorded a spot for a massage parlor in Newark. 990 00:38:31,727 --> 00:38:33,557 Do you know how many greasy hand jobs happen 991 00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:35,653 on a daily basis at a massage parlor in Newark? 992 00:38:35,689 --> 00:38:37,269 This is on a whole different scale. 993 00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,435 This is a giant greasy hand job. 994 00:38:39,484 --> 00:38:42,284 IRENE: I'm getting the countdown, Dickie. In five. 995 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:43,570 - Four. Three. - Just a reminder, it's live! 996 00:38:43,613 --> 00:38:45,623 - Miriam. - Two. 997 00:38:45,657 --> 00:38:48,327 "America... the land of promise. 998 00:38:48,368 --> 00:38:50,948 "Honey, do you ever think about the kind of world 999 00:38:50,996 --> 00:38:53,036 you want our kids to inherit?" 1000 00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:54,711 (patriotic music playing) 1001 00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:56,080 Talk, goddamn it. 1002 00:38:56,126 --> 00:38:57,786 Shit. 1003 00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:05,297 Uh... 1004 00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:06,803 "It's all I can think about 1005 00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,555 "when I look into their sweet, innocent faces 1006 00:39:08,597 --> 00:39:10,177 - and their big blue eyes." - "But... 1007 00:39:10,223 --> 00:39:12,733 there are so many forces working to usurp us." 1008 00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,138 SUSIE: "I know, dear. 1009 00:39:14,186 --> 00:39:16,396 "Like foreigners and Communists who don't even think 1010 00:39:16,438 --> 00:39:19,478 we should fly the American flag outside our little house." 1011 00:39:19,524 --> 00:39:21,154 "There's nothing wrong with taking pride 1012 00:39:21,193 --> 00:39:22,573 "in the Stars and Stripes. 1013 00:39:22,611 --> 00:39:24,321 Here, lean in, honey." 1014 00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,572 "Oh, I love it when you rub my nose." 1015 00:39:26,615 --> 00:39:27,945 "And there's nothing wrong 1016 00:39:27,991 --> 00:39:30,451 with taking pride in our country's might." 1017 00:39:30,494 --> 00:39:33,044 "I was just explaining to little Timmy this morning 1018 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:36,330 "that the atomic bomb is a marvelous gift 1019 00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,384 that was given to our country by God." 1020 00:39:38,418 --> 00:39:40,548 Holy fuck, this woman's a monster. 1021 00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:41,707 That's what I was saying. 1022 00:39:41,755 --> 00:39:43,045 What the hell is going on here? 1023 00:39:43,090 --> 00:39:45,300 - Plus, the segues are terrible. - Irene! 1024 00:39:45,342 --> 00:39:48,102 "Did you also tell the children that we can't let 1025 00:39:48,136 --> 00:39:50,216 "certain well-financed minorities 1026 00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:52,223 determine America's future?" 1027 00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:54,095 - What the fuck? - Where are we? 1028 00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:56,232 We really have to start reading these contracts. 1029 00:39:56,269 --> 00:39:58,729 I did, and it said nothing about this woman being Satan. 1030 00:39:58,772 --> 00:40:00,442 JOHNNY: "that we can't let certain 1031 00:40:00,482 --> 00:40:03,822 well-financed minorities determine America's future?" 1032 00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:07,110 Yes, I did, dear. I told them to brush their teeth 1033 00:40:07,155 --> 00:40:09,775 and to not let certain well-financed minorities, 1034 00:40:09,825 --> 00:40:11,405 um, have futures. 1035 00:40:11,451 --> 00:40:13,831 Something like that? America, yay! 1036 00:40:13,870 --> 00:40:15,460 I'm sorry, where are we? 1037 00:40:15,497 --> 00:40:16,617 And, we're out. 1038 00:40:29,386 --> 00:40:33,306 So, does this pay cash or check or... flags? 1039 00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:36,058 This woman's a monster. 1040 00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:41,400 Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place is just not right for you guys. 1041 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:43,819 I still can't figure out how that pigeon got in. 1042 00:40:43,859 --> 00:40:45,859 I'm guessing the bathroom window that's stuck open. 1043 00:40:45,902 --> 00:40:47,702 - ROSE: Who is that? - It's the real estate agent, Joan. 1044 00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,987 Hi, Mrs. Weissman. Sorry about the pigeon. 1045 00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:51,911 We'll find you the right apartment, Mama. 1046 00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,830 This is New York, there's a million of them. 1047 00:40:53,869 --> 00:40:56,449 All right. Bye. 1048 00:40:56,496 --> 00:40:57,906 It's a tough market. 1049 00:40:57,956 --> 00:40:59,536 Especially in their price range. 1050 00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:01,043 - I'll keep looking. - Thanks. 1051 00:41:01,084 --> 00:41:03,254 You all used to live right up the street there, didn't you? 1052 00:41:03,295 --> 00:41:04,875 - At 385? - Used to. 1053 00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:06,421 Such a beautiful building. 1054 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,304 Well, tell your mother not to worry. 1055 00:41:08,341 --> 00:41:09,931 We'll find something. 1056 00:41:09,968 --> 00:41:11,218 Will do. 1057 00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:27,612 ♪ Stars shining bright above you ♪ 1058 00:41:29,196 --> 00:41:34,446 ♪ Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you..." ♪ 1059 00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:36,452 Have a nice day, Mr. and Mrs. Hollander. 1060 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,624 - Afternoon. - How... Mrs. Maisel. 1061 00:41:38,663 --> 00:41:40,963 - It's so good to see you. - Hi, Antonio. 1062 00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:42,879 We were just saying we can't eat a black and white 1063 00:41:42,918 --> 00:41:44,128 without thinking of you. 1064 00:41:44,169 --> 00:41:46,249 How we miss you. The whole Weissman clan. 1065 00:41:46,296 --> 00:41:47,626 We miss you, too. 1066 00:41:47,672 --> 00:41:49,672 J-Jerry, look who the cat dragged in. 1067 00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:50,966 How are you, Mrs. Maisel? 1068 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:52,339 I'm very well, Jerry. 1069 00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:54,005 What can we do for you? 1070 00:41:54,054 --> 00:41:56,604 Take me to nine? Would that be all right? 1071 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,310 Of course. Your old floor. 1072 00:41:58,350 --> 00:41:59,980 I'm feeling a little nostalgic. 1073 00:42:00,018 --> 00:42:02,058 Come with me. 1074 00:42:02,103 --> 00:42:03,863 You look healthy, Jerry. 1075 00:42:03,897 --> 00:42:05,477 - I swam. - Oh, you're swimming? 1076 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:08,363 - Just the one time. - Good for you. 1077 00:42:10,904 --> 00:42:12,824 I'll wait for you, Mrs. Maisel. 1078 00:42:12,864 --> 00:42:14,704 Thank you, Jerry. 1079 00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:18,951 ♪ Say nighty-night and kiss me ♪ 1080 00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,865 WOMAN: It's the second time I tripped over them. 1081 00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:26,214 ♪ Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me... ♪ 1082 00:42:26,253 --> 00:42:28,463 WOMAN: This whole room looks like a pigsty. 1083 00:42:28,505 --> 00:42:30,545 Hello? 1084 00:42:30,590 --> 00:42:33,340 (children chattering) 1085 00:42:33,385 --> 00:42:36,595 ♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪ 1086 00:42:36,638 --> 00:42:38,008 WOMAN: I'm gonna count to three. 1087 00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:40,846 One, two, three. 1088 00:42:40,892 --> 00:42:43,102 (children shouting, laughing) 1089 00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:44,524 WOMAN: both of you here anymore. 1090 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,902 Your father is going to be in Missouri, 1091 00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:49,150 and you'll be scrounging for food on the streets. 1092 00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:50,282 (children protesting) 1093 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,278 And you're going in for your nap, Ronald. 1094 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,240 - Accept it. - RONALD: Ah, Mom! 1095 00:42:54,281 --> 00:42:55,571 WOMAN: Your nap is not optional. 1096 00:42:55,615 --> 00:42:57,115 - Ronald. Ronald. - JOEL: Midge? 1097 00:42:57,158 --> 00:42:58,698 - Ronald! Now come on. - Midge? 1098 00:42:58,743 --> 00:42:59,913 - Wash your hands and get your jammies on. - Midge? 1099 00:42:59,953 --> 00:43:01,543 Your son is not cooperating! 1100 00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,619 He's running around naked and the people across the way 1101 00:43:03,665 --> 00:43:05,575 - can see! - ABE: Why is my grandson naked? 1102 00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,165 JOEL: That is a question for your grandson, Abe. 1103 00:43:07,210 --> 00:43:08,670 He has a mind of his own. 1104 00:43:08,712 --> 00:43:10,092 ROSE: Oh, my God, he'll catch cold. 1105 00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:11,300 - Grab him! - JOEL: I soaped him up 1106 00:43:11,339 --> 00:43:12,419 so he keeps slipping out of my grasp. 1107 00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,175 ABE: I got him. Oh, whoa, whoa. 1108 00:43:14,217 --> 00:43:15,637 - I don't got him. - ROSE: The neighbors are looking! 1109 00:43:15,677 --> 00:43:16,677 JOEL: We should be charging for this. 1110 00:43:16,720 --> 00:43:18,010 Midge! We need you. 1111 00:43:18,054 --> 00:43:19,564 ROSE: Miriam, cut him off in the foyer! 1112 00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:21,097 JOEL (laughing): Midge! Midge! 1113 00:43:21,141 --> 00:43:22,141 Hello? 1114 00:43:22,183 --> 00:43:24,603 Oh, you scared me. 1115 00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,604 Although, I should be the one scaring you. 1116 00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:28,606 I pretty much broke in to your place. 1117 00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:30,528 It's okay, I think. 1118 00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:33,397 I used to live here, in this apartment. 1119 00:43:33,445 --> 00:43:36,865 My parents were upstairs. I grew up here. 1120 00:43:36,906 --> 00:43:38,276 That's sweet. 1121 00:43:38,325 --> 00:43:39,825 It's a great place. I'm gonna miss it. 1122 00:43:39,868 --> 00:43:41,578 - (kids shouting) - Guys, please stop yelling! 1123 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,539 - You're moving? - My husband's a researcher, 1124 00:43:43,580 --> 00:43:45,960 and he lives by grants, so we're nomads. 1125 00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:47,789 Next week, it's off to St. Louis. 1126 00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:49,714 Okay, all you did was get louder! 1127 00:43:49,753 --> 00:43:52,053 I'm sorry, I'll leave you be. You've got your hands full. 1128 00:43:52,088 --> 00:43:54,418 No, no, stay if you want. Look around some more. 1129 00:43:54,466 --> 00:43:57,716 - GIRL: I'm not a baby! - Can I see the kitchen? 1130 00:43:57,761 --> 00:44:00,931 - It's all yours. - BOY: Mom, Susan knocked the lamp over. 1131 00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:03,432 Your father's going to hear about this! 1132 00:44:03,475 --> 00:44:08,305 ♪ Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you ♪ 1133 00:44:09,689 --> 00:44:12,189 ♪ Sweet dreams that leave ♪ 1134 00:44:12,233 --> 00:44:16,363 ♪ All worries behind you ♪ 1135 00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:18,874 ♪ But in your dreams ♪ 1136 00:44:18,907 --> 00:44:22,367 ♪ Whatever they be ♪ 1137 00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,460 ♪ Dream a little dream ♪ 1138 00:44:27,916 --> 00:44:31,126 ♪ Of me. ♪ 1139 00:44:39,469 --> 00:44:41,929 SUSIE: Sorry... coming through. 1140 00:44:41,971 --> 00:44:44,061 No, don't get up. 1141 00:44:44,099 --> 00:44:46,889 Excuse me. What are you looking at? 1142 00:44:46,935 --> 00:44:49,725 - How's it going backstage? - (sighs) 1143 00:44:49,771 --> 00:44:51,691 Sophie was chatting it up with Gavin and Moira. 1144 00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:53,861 Gave 'em each a bottle of scotch, wished them well. 1145 00:44:53,900 --> 00:44:55,740 Now she's having a weird, quiet moment. 1146 00:44:55,777 --> 00:44:58,817 She left her awful dogs at home. So far, so good. 1147 00:44:58,863 --> 00:45:01,203 How are you feeling? 1148 00:45:01,241 --> 00:45:03,701 I think I'm excited. I think that's what this feeling is. 1149 00:45:03,743 --> 00:45:05,413 Good. She put you through a lot, 1150 00:45:05,453 --> 00:45:06,623 and you pulled this off. 1151 00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:08,373 This is your night as much as hers. 1152 00:45:08,415 --> 00:45:10,415 Now, enjoy it. 1153 00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,001 (dramatic piano music) 1154 00:45:23,638 --> 00:45:24,888 Oh, 1155 00:45:24,931 --> 00:45:26,641 tonight, Miss Julie is crazy again. 1156 00:45:26,683 --> 00:45:28,603 Absolutely crazy. 1157 00:45:28,643 --> 00:45:32,563 (applause) 1158 00:45:33,982 --> 00:45:35,652 So you've returned. 1159 00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,652 I took the count to the station, 1160 00:45:37,694 --> 00:45:39,574 and when I came back, I saw Miss Julie dancing 1161 00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:40,702 with the gamekeeper. 1162 00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:42,368 And then she rushed up to me and asked me 1163 00:45:42,407 --> 00:45:44,447 to dance the waltz with her. She's crazy. 1164 00:45:44,492 --> 00:45:46,702 And always has been, but never the way it's been 1165 00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:49,664 this last fortnight, since her engagement was broken. 1166 00:45:49,706 --> 00:45:51,536 - Do you know how it happened, Christine? - (woman clearing throat) 1167 00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:54,133 They were in the stable, 1168 00:45:54,169 --> 00:45:55,669 and she was training him, as she called it. 1169 00:45:55,712 --> 00:45:58,172 She made him leap over her horse whip, 1170 00:45:58,214 --> 00:46:00,554 the way you teach a dog to jump. 1171 00:46:00,592 --> 00:46:03,512 - (woman clearing throat) - Hey, duchess, you ever hear of a cough drop? 1172 00:46:03,553 --> 00:46:06,393 - Susie, shh. - It's a classy fuckin' play. 1173 00:46:06,431 --> 00:46:08,351 Now, what do you have that's tasty, Christine? 1174 00:46:08,391 --> 00:46:11,231 Oh, just some kidney that I cut out of the veal roast. 1175 00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:12,559 Ah, good. 1176 00:46:12,604 --> 00:46:14,734 Oh, Jean, won't you dance with me when I'm done? 1177 00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:16,862 - Of course I will. - Do you promise? 1178 00:46:16,900 --> 00:46:18,440 Promise? 1179 00:46:18,485 --> 00:46:21,395 When I say so, I do it. Mm. 1180 00:46:21,446 --> 00:46:25,446 And thanks for the good food. Tasted fine. 1181 00:46:34,626 --> 00:46:35,956 Is this supposed to be happening? 1182 00:46:36,002 --> 00:46:37,172 Shh. 1183 00:46:37,212 --> 00:46:39,422 Very fine, indeed, Christine. 1184 00:46:41,049 --> 00:46:42,299 Tasted fine. 1185 00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:45,215 (quietly): Come on, come on. 1186 00:46:45,261 --> 00:46:46,761 SOPHIE (as Julie): I'll be back in a minute, 1187 00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:49,604 You go right on in the meantime. 1188 00:46:49,641 --> 00:46:51,641 (audience applauding) 1189 00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:07,490 Tell me, is it almost done, Christine? 1190 00:47:07,534 --> 00:47:09,584 The ladies are having secrets, I believe. 1191 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:13,155 That is for you, Jean. 1192 00:47:13,206 --> 00:47:16,126 Oh, what a delicious odor that violet has. 1193 00:47:16,167 --> 00:47:17,457 Mm, impudent. 1194 00:47:17,502 --> 00:47:20,462 So you understand perfumes also. 1195 00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:22,665 And know pretty well how to dance. 1196 00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:25,505 Do not peek. No, no, no, go away. 1197 00:47:29,889 --> 00:47:31,219 Uh-oh. 1198 00:47:31,266 --> 00:47:32,346 GAVIN (as Jean): Is it some kind of witches' broth 1199 00:47:32,392 --> 00:47:33,602 the ladies are cooking 1200 00:47:33,643 --> 00:47:34,893 on Midsummer Eve? 1201 00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:36,726 Something to tell fortunes by 1202 00:47:36,771 --> 00:47:38,191 and bring out the lucky star in which one's 1203 00:47:38,231 --> 00:47:40,071 future love is seen? 1204 00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:43,954 (barely audible): If you can see that, 1205 00:47:43,987 --> 00:47:46,447 you have very good eyes indeed. 1206 00:47:46,489 --> 00:47:48,279 Is she supposed to be so quiet? 1207 00:47:48,324 --> 00:47:50,794 No, you're supposed to be able to hear it. 1208 00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:52,997 (quietly): Come dance with me, Jean. 1209 00:47:53,037 --> 00:47:56,417 (quietly): I had promised to dance with Christine this time. 1210 00:47:56,457 --> 00:47:59,877 Well, Christine can get someone else, Gavin. 1211 00:47:59,919 --> 00:48:01,249 Did she say "Gavin"? 1212 00:48:01,296 --> 00:48:02,836 Shit. Shit. 1213 00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:05,380 (barely audible) I don't want to be impolite, 1214 00:48:05,425 --> 00:48:07,255 but I truly made a promise. 1215 00:48:07,302 --> 00:48:09,052 Now I can't hear him. 1216 00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:11,805 (quietly) She can get somebody else. 1217 00:48:11,848 --> 00:48:13,678 (straining quietly) Louder. Louder. 1218 00:48:13,725 --> 00:48:17,805 (loudly) She can get somebody else, can't you, Christine? 1219 00:48:17,854 --> 00:48:21,734 Will you let me borrow Jean from you? Huh? 1220 00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:23,994 (loudly): That isn't for me to say, Miss Julie. 1221 00:48:24,027 --> 00:48:25,527 Frankly speaking, 1222 00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:27,910 is it wise for Miss Julie to dance twice 1223 00:48:27,947 --> 00:48:29,527 with the same partner? 1224 00:48:29,574 --> 00:48:31,244 People will start to talk. 1225 00:48:31,284 --> 00:48:34,044 What is that? What kind of talk? 1226 00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:35,288 What do you mean? 1227 00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,790 They sound like my grandparents. 1228 00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:37,871 GAVIN: It doesn't look well 1229 00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:40,285 to prefer one servant to all the rest. 1230 00:48:40,335 --> 00:48:43,875 Prefer? What ideas! I am surprised. 1231 00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,881 I, the mistress of the house... 1232 00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:48,803 It's fine. She's just projecting for the back row. 1233 00:48:48,843 --> 00:48:50,143 Yeah, of Yankee Stadium? 1234 00:48:50,178 --> 00:48:51,598 And when it so happens I want to dance, 1235 00:48:51,638 --> 00:48:53,468 I want to dance with one who knows how to lead 1236 00:48:53,514 --> 00:48:56,144 so I am not made ridiculous. 1237 00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:59,564 GAVIN: As you command, Miss Julie. I am at your service. 1238 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:01,814 SOPHIE: Oh, don't take it as a command. 1239 00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:03,396 SUSIE: Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... 1240 00:49:03,441 --> 00:49:05,401 SOPHIE: Tonight, all rank should be forgotten. 1241 00:49:05,443 --> 00:49:07,863 Christine will make a pleasant wife. 1242 00:49:10,198 --> 00:49:12,828 Perhaps she snores, too. 1243 00:49:12,867 --> 00:49:16,077 No, she doesn't. But she talks in her sleep. 1244 00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:19,330 - How do you know?! - (laughter) 1245 00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,294 GAVIN: I've heard it. 1246 00:49:21,334 --> 00:49:23,844 Give me something to drink. 1247 00:49:23,878 --> 00:49:25,838 We have nothing but beer. 1248 00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:27,920 - Beer?! - (laughter) 1249 00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,005 I didn't know you were serving breakfast. 1250 00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:31,641 (laughter) 1251 00:49:31,678 --> 00:49:33,258 I can't watch. I can't watch. 1252 00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:34,604 I can't not. 1253 00:49:34,639 --> 00:49:36,349 You want some for yourself? 1254 00:49:36,391 --> 00:49:39,021 A polite gentleman should keep a lady company. 1255 00:49:39,060 --> 00:49:40,850 Wouldn't be proper in your presence. 1256 00:49:40,895 --> 00:49:43,605 Are you bashful, 1257 00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:46,438 a big, grown-up man? 1258 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:49,574 (laughter) 1259 00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:51,532 Tout suite. Julie's thirsty. 1260 00:49:51,572 --> 00:49:55,332 - MAN: We love you, Sophie. - WOMAN: We love you, Sophie. 1261 00:49:55,368 --> 00:49:58,118 To the health of my liege lady. 1262 00:49:58,162 --> 00:50:00,752 - Bravo! Ha ha! - (laughter) 1263 00:50:02,917 --> 00:50:05,037 Ahh. 1264 00:50:05,086 --> 00:50:06,336 Now... (belches loudly) 1265 00:50:06,379 --> 00:50:08,339 (laughter) 1266 00:50:08,381 --> 00:50:10,801 Kiss my shoe. 1267 00:50:12,218 --> 00:50:15,048 This part's in the play. 1268 00:50:15,096 --> 00:50:18,016 (laughter) 1269 00:50:18,057 --> 00:50:19,677 Boop. 1270 00:50:19,726 --> 00:50:21,386 (laughter) 1271 00:50:23,187 --> 00:50:26,607 - WOMAN: Kiss it! - MAN: Yeah, kiss it. 1272 00:50:26,649 --> 00:50:29,439 Well, it looks like someone was hungry 1273 00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:32,655 for some moo shoe pork. 1274 00:50:32,697 --> 00:50:35,317 Huh? And unfortunately, 1275 00:50:35,366 --> 00:50:38,076 I just left the stables. 1276 00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:39,999 Hey, don't worry, after the stables, 1277 00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:42,537 I washed 'em off... in a toilet. 1278 00:50:42,582 --> 00:50:43,582 (laughter) 1279 00:50:43,624 --> 00:50:46,504 Put that on your plate, huh? 1280 00:50:48,421 --> 00:50:51,011 The other day, I was hanging out by the cows, 1281 00:50:51,048 --> 00:50:53,338 and one of the farmhands tried to milk me. 1282 00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:56,724 (laughter) 1283 00:50:56,763 --> 00:50:59,393 And my last husband never kissed my shoe, 1284 00:50:59,432 --> 00:51:02,022 but he always had a foot in his mouth. 1285 00:51:03,019 --> 00:51:06,229 Aw, it's so filthy here in the country. 1286 00:51:06,272 --> 00:51:09,232 My clothes are so dirty... 1287 00:51:09,275 --> 00:51:11,185 AUDIENCE: How dirty are they? 1288 00:51:11,235 --> 00:51:15,355 My clothes are so dirty, my washboard needs a washboard. 1289 00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:17,066 - (laughter) - (Sophie cackles) 1290 00:51:17,116 --> 00:51:18,526 - (bells ring) - Ooh. 1291 00:51:18,576 --> 00:51:20,946 The count is back. 1292 00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:22,325 You mean Count Dracula? 1293 00:51:22,371 --> 00:51:24,751 Is that where you got that big hickey on your neck? 1294 00:51:24,791 --> 00:51:27,291 - (audience exclaiming) - It wasn't me. 1295 00:51:27,335 --> 00:51:29,165 (laughter) 1296 00:51:29,212 --> 00:51:33,222 Well, folks, we're close enough to the finish line, I think. 1297 00:51:33,257 --> 00:51:36,007 Everybody's sad, I go off to die. 1298 00:51:36,052 --> 00:51:38,142 Blah, blah, blah. The end. 1299 00:51:38,179 --> 00:51:39,469 See ya! 1300 00:51:39,514 --> 00:51:42,024 Susie, wait. 1301 00:51:45,061 --> 00:51:47,771 (cheers and applause) 1302 00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:57,071 (dramatic piano music) 1303 00:52:12,380 --> 00:52:15,380 (enthusiastic cheering) 1304 00:52:19,053 --> 00:52:20,973 MAN: We love you, Sophie! 1305 00:52:21,013 --> 00:52:24,313 Oh, thank you very much. Oh... 1306 00:52:24,350 --> 00:52:28,940 Oh, look, you got Sophie's hay fever going. 1307 00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:32,400 Ah-choo! Thank you. 1308 00:52:35,611 --> 00:52:37,611 Oh. 1309 00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,276 GAVIN: I hate you. 1310 00:52:40,324 --> 00:52:41,914 Theater hates you! 1311 00:52:41,951 --> 00:52:44,331 - Sophie. -(audience chanting): Sophie, Sophie... 1312 00:52:46,414 --> 00:52:48,084 Fucking stop. 1313 00:52:48,124 --> 00:52:50,884 Sophie, fucking stop! 1314 00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,918 Hey! Hey, I got something for your flight. 1315 00:52:55,548 --> 00:52:57,718 What the fuck just happened? 1316 00:52:57,758 --> 00:52:59,838 'Cause I know you did not just trash that production. 1317 00:52:59,886 --> 00:53:01,966 I know I must have eaten some spoiled cheese 1318 00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,973 or a hash brownie and hallucinated 1319 00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:06,055 that on the opening night of your Broadway premiere, 1320 00:53:06,100 --> 00:53:08,230 you chose to flush it all down the shitter. 1321 00:53:08,269 --> 00:53:11,149 What are you talking about? This is your fault. 1322 00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:12,478 My fault? 1323 00:53:12,523 --> 00:53:14,653 I am the biggest comedy star in America, 1324 00:53:14,692 --> 00:53:17,782 and you chose to dump that and have me act. 1325 00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,780 Act in this ridiculous farce of a play. 1326 00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:22,832 I had never even heard of Strindberg before I met you. 1327 00:53:22,867 --> 00:53:25,327 You should have stopped me. You're my manager. 1328 00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:27,289 You fired Harry Drake because he stopped you 1329 00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:29,750 from doing Strindberg, you whacko. Remember? 1330 00:53:29,790 --> 00:53:32,290 Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis from doing A Raisin in the Sun. 1331 00:53:32,335 --> 00:53:34,085 It's what a good manager does. 1332 00:53:34,128 --> 00:53:36,128 Goddamn it, Sophie. 1333 00:53:36,172 --> 00:53:37,552 You asked me to get you a shot. 1334 00:53:37,590 --> 00:53:39,550 I got you a shot and you chickened out. 1335 00:53:39,592 --> 00:53:40,552 You choked. 1336 00:53:40,593 --> 00:53:42,303 How dare you! 1337 00:53:42,345 --> 00:53:43,505 I went out on a limb for you. 1338 00:53:43,554 --> 00:53:45,144 Bernie went out on a limb for you. 1339 00:53:45,181 --> 00:53:47,351 The investors went out on a limb for you. 1340 00:53:47,391 --> 00:53:49,191 Fucking asshole tennis-playing Milken 1341 00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:50,896 went out on a limb for you! 1342 00:53:50,937 --> 00:53:53,267 We got Gavin Hawk to star opposite you. 1343 00:53:53,314 --> 00:53:55,524 You were all conspiring against me. 1344 00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:58,776 - Hey, call Bellevue. Tell 'em to bring a net. - Especially you. 1345 00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:01,409 Why, Sophie? Why would I do that? 1346 00:54:01,447 --> 00:54:03,197 For her. 1347 00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:06,290 You were trying to prop her up 1348 00:54:06,327 --> 00:54:08,657 by bringing me down. 1349 00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:13,325 - Let's go. - You're walking away from me? 1350 00:54:13,376 --> 00:54:14,916 Yeah, I'm walking away. 1351 00:54:14,961 --> 00:54:16,711 Because you are nothing but a fraud, 1352 00:54:16,754 --> 00:54:18,344 with your Jell-O and your stuck-up butler 1353 00:54:18,381 --> 00:54:19,881 and your lemon wedges. 1354 00:54:19,924 --> 00:54:22,434 And you want to know what the really sad thing is, Sophie? 1355 00:54:22,468 --> 00:54:24,258 You could have done it. 1356 00:54:24,303 --> 00:54:26,763 I watched you rehearse every single day, 1357 00:54:26,806 --> 00:54:27,886 and you were good. 1358 00:54:27,932 --> 00:54:29,892 Fuck that, you were great. 1359 00:54:29,934 --> 00:54:32,484 A great fucking serious actress. 1360 00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:34,400 And you had it all right there in the palm of your hand, 1361 00:54:34,438 --> 00:54:36,938 and all you had to do was have the guts to follow through 1362 00:54:36,983 --> 00:54:38,613 and do it, and you didn't. 1363 00:54:38,651 --> 00:54:41,491 You fuckin' folded like a deck of cards. 1364 00:54:41,529 --> 00:54:44,069 - Harry knew. - Harry knew what? 1365 00:54:44,115 --> 00:54:46,775 That you didn't have the stuff to make it on Broadway. 1366 00:54:46,826 --> 00:54:48,696 He was no idiot. He knew. 1367 00:54:48,744 --> 00:54:52,004 And I do not have to take you down for her. 1368 00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:53,579 You are not her competition. 1369 00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:55,504 You are not even in the same league. 1370 00:54:55,543 --> 00:54:57,673 She's got guts. 1371 00:54:57,712 --> 00:54:59,462 That is the difference between Midge Maisel 1372 00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:02,295 and the great Sophie Lennon. 1373 00:55:02,341 --> 00:55:03,801 You're a star, for now, 1374 00:55:03,843 --> 00:55:06,393 but she is gonna be a goddamn legend. 1375 00:55:08,222 --> 00:55:10,852 SUSIE: I'm setting those fuckin' birds loose 1376 00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:12,891 the minute I get home. 1377 00:55:15,354 --> 00:55:20,154 ♪ I want to sink to the bottom with you ♪ 1378 00:55:20,192 --> 00:55:24,242 ♪ I want to sink to the bottom with you ♪ 1379 00:55:25,823 --> 00:55:29,743 ♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪ 1380 00:55:29,785 --> 00:55:34,535 ♪ I just want to sink to the bottom with you ♪ 1381 00:55:34,582 --> 00:55:39,422 ♪ Cars on the highway, planes in the air ♪ 1382 00:55:39,462 --> 00:55:44,262 ♪ Everyone else is going somewhere ♪ 1383 00:55:44,300 --> 00:55:49,180 ♪ But I'm going nowhere, getting there soon ♪ 1384 00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:51,681 ♪ I might as well just ♪ 1385 00:55:51,724 --> 00:55:54,444 ♪ Sink down with you ♪ 1386 00:55:54,477 --> 00:55:57,097 ♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪ 1387 00:55:57,146 --> 00:55:59,356 ♪ With you ♪ 1388 00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:03,528 ♪ I want to sink to the bottom with you ♪ 1389 00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:08,822 ♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪ 1390 00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:10,696 ♪ I just want to sink ♪ 1391 00:56:10,743 --> 00:56:13,703 ♪ To the bottom with you ♪ 1392 00:56:13,746 --> 00:56:15,616 ♪ And I just want to ♪ 1393 00:56:33,140 --> 00:56:37,980 ♪ Out on the highway, up in the air ♪ 1394 00:56:38,020 --> 00:56:42,940 ♪ Everyone else is going somewhere ♪ 1395 00:56:42,983 --> 00:56:47,863 ♪ They're going nowhere, and I'll be there, too ♪ 1396 00:56:47,905 --> 00:56:52,695 ♪ I might as well go under with you ♪ 1397 00:56:55,371 --> 00:56:59,171 ♪ I want to sink to the bottom with you ♪ 1398 00:56:59,208 --> 00:57:00,838 ♪ Sink to the bottom ♪ 1399 00:57:00,876 --> 00:57:03,246 ♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪ 1400 00:57:03,295 --> 00:57:04,955 - ♪ With you ♪ - ♪ Sink to the bottom ♪ 1401 00:57:05,005 --> 00:57:07,005 ♪ I just want to. ♪