1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,216 (knock on door) 2 00:00:07,258 --> 00:00:09,218 Hello? 3 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:11,846 (indistinct chatter over radio) 4 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:13,472 Hello? 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,975 Oh, boy. 6 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,227 -You remember me? -Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:20,354 -Long time no see. -Oh, yes. 8 00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:23,733 Well, I've been very busy. Traveling. 9 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:27,361 -You want a slice? -Oh, no, thank you. 10 00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:28,738 I was just in the neighborhood, 11 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,948 and I thought I would drop in and say hello. 12 00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,992 -To me. -Yes. 13 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,750 -Hello. -Hello. 14 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,002 Anything else? 15 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,004 No. 16 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,006 Oh, well, as long as I'm here, 17 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:50,009 Miriam-- my daughter, remember? 18 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:54,054 Well, her husband left her, and she's been living with us, 19 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:56,182 and recently I found out that she's... 20 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,184 Aren't you gonna make some tea? 21 00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,102 -I don't like tea. -(chuckles): The tea isn't for you. 22 00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:01,604 It's for me. I drink it, 23 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,773 -and you read the leaves. -Don't need it. 24 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:07,234 Oh, you use the ball, right. Or cards? 25 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:09,612 Oh, no, I remember. You like fire. 26 00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:12,156 Just sit there. 27 00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:14,200 Let me look at you. 28 00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:25,169 Okay. What do you want to know? 29 00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:26,837 Um, well, my d-daughter... 30 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,380 -Miriam. -Why, yes. 31 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,341 You just told me her name. Don't get too impressed. 32 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:34,970 Yes, uh, well, she's, um, pursuing a career in... 33 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:37,389 comedy, 34 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,058 which is bad enough in itself, 35 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,811 but there's a very viable man in the picture now, 36 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:44,814 and I am so worried that this... 37 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:48,275 career will be the downfall of this relationship. 38 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:49,860 Tell me, what do you see? 39 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:51,904 Hmm. 40 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:58,661 I see a perky brunette with a signature hairstyle. 41 00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:00,830 Oh, that's her. That's Miriam. 42 00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,498 She's standing in front of a big crowd. 43 00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:04,083 A wedding? That's a wedding. 44 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,377 She's the object of deep adoration. 45 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:08,546 That's Benjamin. He'll adore her. 46 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,631 H-He'll be weirdly subtle about it 47 00:02:10,673 --> 00:02:12,383 and do it in a slightly robotic way, but... 48 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,468 I see her talking. 49 00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:17,721 Speaking very quickly into a microphone. 50 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,557 That's her speech. She gave a speech at her first wedding, 51 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,517 and she's doing it again. Oh, I'm so... 52 00:02:21,559 --> 00:02:23,185 Does she mention shrimp? 53 00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:24,770 -What? -Never mind. Who cares? 54 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,772 She's getting married. Oh, I'm so glad 55 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,692 I just happened to be strolling by here with no intention 56 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,652 of coming in at all, and then I did. Oh, here. 57 00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:34,822 Thank you. 58 00:02:34,864 --> 00:02:38,117 Thank you so much. I'll see you next week. 59 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,453 There's gonna be a wedding. 60 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,455 (chuckles) 61 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,250 I don't know why you'd wear 62 00:02:46,292 --> 00:02:50,170 a black cocktail dress to a wedding, but... 63 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,214 whatever. 64 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:58,012 (announcer shouting over radio) 65 00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,347 -What time is it? -Early. 9:00, 10:00. 66 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:03,475 -12:30. I should go. -Really? You bored? 67 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,394 I'm supposed to be in my dorm room by midnight. 68 00:03:05,436 --> 00:03:07,396 This is the third time this week I've missed curfew. 69 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:09,106 Third time this week I'll have to climb in my window 70 00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:11,191 -to avoid getting caught. -I thought your curfew was 1:00. 71 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,985 -You did not. -Yeah. 72 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,112 I just like watching you climb in that window. 73 00:03:15,154 --> 00:03:17,740 Hey, we saw them tonight. We saw you tonight. 74 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,033 -Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm. 75 00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,200 -Good or bad? -Great. 76 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,577 Especially the last number. 77 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,370 Told you we needed that last number. 78 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:25,998 -You're impossible. -Impossible and right. 79 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,750 -We should go. -You know, I'm tired 80 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,335 of having to take you home at night. 81 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,337 -I can just grab a cab, then. -Not what I meant. 82 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,173 -Horse and buggy? Magic carpet? -Don't go back to your dorm. 83 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,383 -Where am I supposed to go? -My dorm. 84 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:39,053 Oh, now, Mr. Maisel, you know good girls 85 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,013 don't stay out all night with their gentlemen callers. 86 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,265 I mean, what would the neighbors think? 87 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:44,975 That you're a dime-store floozy? 88 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,894 Dime-store? In these shoes? 89 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:50,230 Well, if you won't let me sully your reputation, 90 00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:53,108 then I guess I'll just have to make an honest woman out of you. 91 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,444 ♪ We go along harmonizing a song ♪ 92 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:57,571 -What's this? -A Cadillac. 93 00:03:57,613 --> 00:03:59,114 ♪ Or I'm reciting a poem ♪ 94 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,951 Well, then, I'm definitely gonna have to learn to drive. 95 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:04,161 -You like it? -I love it. 96 00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:06,121 I just didn't think this would happen so fast. 97 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,498 Oh, but you knew this would happen? 98 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,208 Well, yeah. I mean, come on. 99 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,335 Hey, what did my father say when you asked him? 100 00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,003 Oh, shit. I was supposed to do that? 101 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:15,297 -Joel. -Forget him. 102 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:18,217 What do you say? Yes? Great. 103 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,386 I say I need to think about it. 104 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,138 What? No. There's the ring. Let's go. 105 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:26,016 -It's just so sudden. -You knew this was gonna happen. 106 00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:27,309 I knew this was gonna happen. 107 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,103 Well, then, you know your answer. 108 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:32,022 -Uh... -If you don't say yes right now, 109 00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:33,732 I'm gonna walk out in the middle of the street 110 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,234 and wait for a bus to run me over. 111 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,819 Pay the bill first? 112 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,279 Okay. 113 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:41,907 -Here I go. -(door opens, closes) 114 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,617 ♪ Talking my baby ♪ 115 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:45,619 ♪ Loving my baby ♪ 116 00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,454 ♪ I don't mean maybe... ♪ 117 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:48,914 (horns honking) 118 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,333 That man is crazy. 119 00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:54,253 Yeah, he certainly is. 120 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,796 MAN: Get out of the road, asshole. 121 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,172 -Come on! -(tires squealing) 122 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,967 -Say yes. -No. -MAN: Move! 123 00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,344 -Move, you idiot! -Not moving. 124 00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:05,681 I'm concerned our children might come out clinically insane. 125 00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:08,350 Very good chance. Say yes. 126 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,269 Maybe. 127 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,395 MAN: Get the fuck out of the road, pal. 128 00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:12,688 MAN 2: Come on, I got to get home. 129 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:14,356 ♪ Are in each other's arms ♪ 130 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:17,693 Oh, no. Not fair. 131 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:19,111 -Fuck fair! -MAN: Come on. 132 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:20,696 My favorite show. 133 00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:22,990 -He took me three times. -(women chuckle) 134 00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:24,825 I'm going for broke, Miriam Weissman. 135 00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:28,162 ♪ Shall we dance? ♪ 136 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,080 You have to say yes first. 137 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:31,373 ♪ On a bright cloud of music ♪ 138 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,917 Fine. Yes. 139 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:36,670 -Yes! (giggles) -(honking continues) 140 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,048 You have to put the ring on. 141 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:42,092 -Exhausting. -JOEL: Put it on. 142 00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,969 MAN: Come on, move it, buddy. 143 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:47,306 ♪ When the last little star has left the sky ♪ 144 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,516 ♪ Shall we still be together ♪ 145 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,727 ♪ With our arms around each other ♪ 146 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:55,105 ♪ And shall you be my new romance ♪ 147 00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,356 (crowd cheers) 148 00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,484 ♪ On the clear understanding ♪ 149 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,402 ♪ That this kind of thing can happen ♪ 150 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,862 ♪ Shall we dance? ♪ 151 00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,907 Now, this next part's gonna go very badly. 152 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,411 (crowd cheering) 153 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,125 (applause) 154 00:06:27,930 --> 00:06:29,932 (Benjamin speaking softly nearby) 155 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,857 BENJAMIN: Mark Greenwald is the president of the bank 156 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,485 and an old family friend in case you want to give him a call. 157 00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:44,530 Right here, these are last year's financials, 158 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,073 tax returns, bank statements. 159 00:06:46,115 --> 00:06:47,783 As you can see, I can clearly provide for her. 160 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:49,660 Anything she needs, anything the children need, 161 00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,370 they will be very comfortable. 162 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:55,082 So you want to marry my daughter. 163 00:06:55,124 --> 00:06:57,376 With your permission, yes, I do. 164 00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,838 -And you've spent time with Miriam. -I have. 165 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:03,215 -So you understand Miriam. -I do. 166 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,342 Could you explain her to me? 167 00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:08,262 -That was a joke, Benjamin. -Right, sorry. 168 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,973 Humor is very important in our house, Benjamin. 169 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,142 -Of course. -If you are going to marry Miriam, 170 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,852 -you will have to learn that. -I understand. 171 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,520 Because to Miriam, almost everything in the world 172 00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:19,690 is a joke. I had to stop watching the news with her. 173 00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:21,441 Guggenheim, the name of the museum, 174 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,486 -caused 20 minutes of uncontrolled giggling. -(laughs) 175 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,698 Why? Who knows. That's just Miriam. 176 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:28,949 I will learn to laugh, sir. 177 00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,951 You're going to need a lot of closet space. 178 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,495 -I have seen the hats. -There will be a lot of activity. 179 00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:35,122 Things will shift quickly. 180 00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:38,167 Your reality, your vacation plans. 181 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:40,127 And God knows what those children will be like 182 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:42,045 when they grow up. I cannot vouch for them. 183 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,131 I will not hold you responsible. 184 00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:46,341 It's awfully quick, your courtship. 185 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,927 Anything I should know that will certainly kill her mother? 186 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,430 No. I've just waited a long time to find the right person, 187 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,015 and now I have. That's all. 188 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:57,102 ABE: Well, if this is truly your intention, 189 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,104 in addition to the bank records, 190 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:03,025 I will need 25 character references. 191 00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,902 Are you going to write this down? 192 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,361 There's a list. I'll need to know 193 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,447 the names and birth dates of your family, 194 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,408 how religious you are, what your hobbies are, 195 00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:14,703 what percentage of time you spend on such hobbies, 196 00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:16,705 are you a dog or a cat man-- 197 00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:19,583 very important-- your favorite authors. 198 00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:22,628 You see, Benjamin, after the Joel fiasco, 199 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,046 I am taking this decision 200 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,672 very, very seriously. 201 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:29,426 You have somewhere else to be? 202 00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:32,012 No. Well, surgery. 203 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:34,139 But never mind. Go on. 204 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,225 I'll need to know all political affiliations, 205 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,476 favorite baseball team, 206 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,977 favorite radio shows... 207 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,146 Mr. Weissman, could you excuse me a minute? 208 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,981 I need to use the bathroom. 209 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,443 Oh. That's something you do? 210 00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,487 Yes. 211 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,530 All right. If you must. 212 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,162 Oh. 213 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,500 -What was that for? -I just needed to make sure 214 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,377 -you're worth all this. -I am. 215 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,420 God, this is much harder than I thought it was gonna be. 216 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,714 My father's a complicated man. But once this is over, 217 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,091 you guys are going to be very close. 218 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,134 -It will never be over. -It will be. 219 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,970 Four patients have already died this morning. 220 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,514 -A small price to pay. -I thought we were making progress 221 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,140 when we stumbled onto the Big Bang theory. 222 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,184 How do you stumble onto the Big Bang theory? 223 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,186 And then he asked if I snack in between meals. 224 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,854 -You said no, right? -I said it depends. 225 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,107 -Oh, dear. -It does. It's snacking. 226 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:26,858 There's no plan. That's what makes it snacking. 227 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,444 Okay, relax. You're doing fine. And get back in there. 228 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,071 If he thinks you're taking too long in the bathroom, 229 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,406 there will be a very thorough physical 230 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,449 -in your future. -Bye. 231 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,120 Is this how you look in the morning? 232 00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:39,705 Yes, it is. 233 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,124 I'll never make it to work on time again. 234 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,251 -I'm back. -ABE: That was quick. Good for you. 235 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,211 Get these downstairs to accounting now 236 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,005 -or no one gets paid. -ALL: What?! 237 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,257 Everyone's getting paid! It's an expression. 238 00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:52,884 -Get back to work. -Mr. Maisel, phone. 239 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,511 The Dutch fabric shipment's gone missing. 240 00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,263 How does a truckload of fabric go missing? 241 00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,265 -Joel, are we on for tonight? -I have the kids tonight. 242 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,225 -I love kids. -Great. Go have some. 243 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,853 -Never mind, they found it. -Where? 244 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,105 Times Square. The driver had an audition. 245 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,357 Get the shipment, fire the driver. In that order. 246 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,026 Okay, see, when I gave you 247 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,403 that giant amount of money to go away, 248 00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:14,239 -I expected you to go away. -I don't have time right now, Pop. 249 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,409 I fired you, and you responded by bringing your children here. 250 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:20,495 Is that hostile or adorable? I just can't tell. 251 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,081 I'll go. I'm going. I just have to figure out where. 252 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,583 In the meantime, Mrs. Moskowitz, 253 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,959 when is the Joseph Miller meeting again? 254 00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,544 -4:45. -4:45? 255 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,171 That's what he said, 4:45. 256 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,089 Hey, what are you drawing there, Ethan? 257 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,258 Mommy's friend. Bathroom! 258 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,386 Mr. Maisel, I am not cleaning that bathroom again. 259 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,138 I got it, Mrs. Moskowitz. 260 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,807 He's like a sprung garden hose, that child. 261 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:42,893 -Mommy's got a friend. -Fuck you. 262 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:45,771 Aha, baby's first swear word. 263 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,939 Definitely not her first. 264 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,652 What is your life, anyhow? 265 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:55,113 JOEL: Ethan! 266 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,449 Remember, pal, you have to look where you're aiming 267 00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,326 -when you use the urinal. -Why? 268 00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:02,204 Because if you keep hitting the floor and the counter 269 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:05,040 and the ceiling, no girl's ever gonna marry you, 270 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:06,625 and Mrs. Moskowitz is gonna leave your daddy, 271 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,168 so we'll both be alone. 272 00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:11,338 Hey. So, Mommy has a new friend, huh? 273 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,048 -Yeah. -And you met him? 274 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,633 -Yeah. -Where? 275 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,842 At the park. 276 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,554 I thought you had to go to the bathroom. 277 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,598 ETHAN: Not fun now! 278 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:26,645 -This one? -Second wedding. 279 00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:33,235 -This one? -Second wedding. 280 00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:37,280 -This one. -Miriam, please. 281 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,616 You can't wear white. It's a second wedding. 282 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:42,619 -You can wear champagne. -I don't want to wear champagne. 283 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,955 It's not a color. It's what happens when white gets sad. 284 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:48,083 Well, I'm sorry. Second weddings are subtle, dignified. 285 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:50,544 No big halls or lavish dinners. 286 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,629 Second weddings mean 40 guests 287 00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,589 and a luncheon at home with scrambled eggs. 288 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:56,216 Wow. What's the third wedding mean? 289 00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,676 Third wedding means I'm dead. 290 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,719 -Can I wear white? -Keep looking, please. 291 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,513 There may not even be a wedding at this rate. 292 00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,306 Papa still hasn't said yes. 293 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,766 Plus, he said if he does say yes, 294 00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:06,810 -he's not gonna pay for it. -Yes, he will. 295 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,563 He'll pay for a second wedding here at home with scrambled... 296 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,690 Scrambled eggs and a champagne dress. 297 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,442 Oh, now cheer up. You can still give a toast. 298 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,485 I know you have your heart set on giving a toast. 299 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,028 -How do you know that? -Ladies. 300 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,697 Papa. Hi! 301 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,199 There's a sandwich for you in the refrigerator, Abe. 302 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,869 Papa? Hey, Papa? 303 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,704 Papa? Papa? 304 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,747 Miriam, do you get paid by the "Papa"? 305 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,916 -No. -(sighs) 306 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:33,003 -So, Papa... -Pickles. 307 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,130 I was just wondering if you've thought any more 308 00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,673 about your talk with Benjamin? 309 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,217 -No. -No? Just no? 310 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,428 No. Yes, no. 311 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:44,097 Well, you know from experience, the sooner you book a hall, 312 00:12:44,139 --> 00:12:45,557 the better deal you get. 313 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,392 ROSE: No hall! Second wedding! 314 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,352 I do not have an answer yet. 315 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,022 Well, is there anything you want to talk about with me? 316 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,232 -No. -Anything I can tell you? 317 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,735 -No. Wait. Yes. -Great. What? 318 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,737 Do you ever call him Ben? 319 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,739 -No. -Benny? 320 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,824 -No. -Dr. Ben? 321 00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,784 -No. -Okay. 322 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,912 Thank you for that information. 323 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,915 Papa? Papa... 324 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,375 For a woman who wants to make her fortune on the stage, 325 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,252 you have an extremely limited vocabulary. 326 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,837 Why won't you give your permission? 327 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,672 I didn't say I wouldn't give my permission. 328 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,341 I just said I haven't decided yet. 329 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,926 Well, what's taking you so long? 330 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,886 I have to run his numbers again. 331 00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:24,513 I don't think his figures add up. 332 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,181 It's not fair to make him wait. 333 00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,891 Well, if he doesn't like it, 334 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,310 he can go ahead and marry you without my permission. 335 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,062 Joel did. That turned out great. 336 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,606 Forget it. 337 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,483 When I've decided, you'll know. 338 00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:38,527 -Fine. -I'll send up a flare. 339 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,570 Super. 340 00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,489 Miriam, wait. 341 00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,866 I need to ask you something. 342 00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:50,455 What did you say in Washington? 343 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,582 What did I say about what? 344 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,502 In your club date-- what did you say about... 345 00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:57,212 about me? 346 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,214 Papa, I swear, that night in the Catskills 347 00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:01,466 was a total and complete anomaly. 348 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,802 -So you didn't talk about me at all? -I did not. 349 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,221 Cross my heart and swear to God on the life of my kids. 350 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,557 -Oh, wait. -You did talk about me. 351 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,350 -Just a little. -What did you say? 352 00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:12,936 -It's very important that I know. -I said, 353 00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,563 "Is Senator Kennedy running for president? 354 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,523 "It's up to Jackie. You know she wears the pants 355 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,358 -in that family." -No, she doesn't. 356 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,818 Well, I haven't gotten to the part about the linen. 357 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,236 -What linen? -Her pants are linen. 358 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,113 -Who cares what fabric they are? -No. 359 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,657 The whole point of the bit is she wears linen pants, 360 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,450 and they wrinkle while you're ironing them. 361 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:30,078 You know, you don't seem to be getting any better at this. 362 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,871 -Let me start again. -Please don't. 363 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,915 Just skip to the part about me. 364 00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:37,377 I said, I found you listening to my four-year-old's record, 365 00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:39,671 a song about teaching yourself 366 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,840 to wipe your, uh... tushie, after going to the bathroom, 367 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,217 and you said you were listening to it, because at work, 368 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:46,011 you're trying to teach a computer to sing. 369 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:49,472 And what was the punch line? 370 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,808 Now I'm wondering, does my father not know 371 00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,810 -how to go to the bathroom? -Okay. 372 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,812 -And if that's true, who taught me? -I get it. 373 00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,772 -Because my mother never goes to the bathroom. -That's enough. 374 00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,566 -I heard my name! -No, you didn't. 375 00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:01,860 What else did you say? About Bell Labs? 376 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,446 -About the work there? -Nothing. 377 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,698 No specifics about what I do? 378 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:09,117 I don't know what you do. I've never known what you do. 379 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,661 Most of the time, I have no idea what you're talking about. 380 00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,122 I have no idea why we're having this conversation right now. 381 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,124 All right. 382 00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,168 I believe you. 383 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,427 We haven't finished our Benjamin conversation yet. 384 00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:29,179 -Yes, we have. -I want an answer. 385 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,598 -Okay. No. -You're right. Take your time. 386 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,269 -What do you think? -I think it's a piece of shit. 387 00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,980 That's the eighth chair you said was a piece of shit. 388 00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:41,524 I believe all eight are genuinely a piece of shit. 389 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:44,277 Jackie, we can't throw out every fucking chair. 390 00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:46,696 Now, just tell me, what can you fix and what can't you fix? 391 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,448 -Fix? -Repair. 392 00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,325 -Me? -Yeah, you. 393 00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:52,035 Who told you I can fix anything? 394 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:53,703 I thought you were a carpenter. 395 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,413 Who the fuck told you that? 396 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,582 Isn't that what you did before you worked here? 397 00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,251 No! Oh, wait. 398 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,088 Yes, I did. I am a carpenter. 399 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,423 So can you fix these? 400 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,217 Absolutely. 401 00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,968 (phone ringing) 402 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,679 What? 403 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,765 I just... Never mind. 404 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,561 Gaslight. 405 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,313 -WOMAN: Susie Myerson? -Yeah? 406 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:22,190 I'm calling on behalf of Sophie Lennon. 407 00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,192 -Oh, shit. -Excuse me? 408 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:28,071 I, um... I'm bleeding. Uh, could I call you back? 409 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:29,656 Miss Lennon requests your presence 410 00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,866 at her house this Friday, 1:00 sharp. 411 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,326 -What? Why? -She is requesting it. 412 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,994 Friday, 1:00 sharp. 413 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,746 Uh, Friday's not really good for me. 414 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,707 My mistake. She is demanding your presence 415 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:40,709 at her house Friday, 1:00 sharp. 416 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,585 -But... -215 East 98th Street. 417 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,796 Eat before you come. Lunch will not be served. 418 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,172 -Wait! -(line clicks) 419 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,133 -(sighs) -(dial tone) 420 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,009 (upbeat jazz music playing) 421 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:52,053 That was Sophie Lennon summoning me to her house. 422 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:54,222 Can you believe that? After what Harry Drake did? 423 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,391 After what she did to Midge? Is she crazy? 424 00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:58,601 -You got to go. -What do you mean, I got to go? 425 00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,395 -No way. -You fucked up. 426 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,522 You went off, you made things worse. 427 00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:06,651 Now you got to go eat some shit to make things right for Midge. 428 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:07,902 Midge wouldn't want me to eat shit. 429 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,612 Doesn't matter what she wants. 430 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,490 You're the manager. You go to do what's best for your client. 431 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,659 I don't like this side of you, Jackie. 432 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,036 -What side? -Rational. It's freaking me out. 433 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:21,166 Look, one thing I know about, even more than carpentry, 434 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,002 and this is from personal experience-- 435 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:27,380 in life, sometimes you got to eat a whole lot of shit. 436 00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:30,842 Piles of it. More shit than you can imagine. 437 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,970 If you took a pack of wolves with stomach issues, 438 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,097 and locked them in your apartment for a month, 439 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:38,016 and then came home with a spoon, 440 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,435 that's the amount of shit I'm talking about. 441 00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:42,020 Thank you for the vivid imagery. 442 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,397 Life is basically an all-you-can-eat shit show. 443 00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:46,941 -You're disgusting. -Yup, but I'm right. 444 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:53,114 Hey, I fixed it. How the fuck do you like that? 445 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,158 (Jackie chuckles) 446 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,913 Joel? It's me. Can I come in? 447 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,831 (Esther babbles) 448 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,917 (Esther shouts) 449 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,710 Hi. Sorry I'm late. 450 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,086 Ethan, grab your bag. 451 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:08,838 -Your mother's here. -Everything okay? 452 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,256 You were supposed to be here at 6:00. 453 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:11,800 I know. I'm sorry. 454 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,468 They are both fed, but Ethan's decided 455 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,595 he wants an additional bedtime meal, so you figure out 456 00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:18,056 what the hell that means so I can be prepared next time. 457 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,599 -Joel... -Bye, pal. 458 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,643 -See you in a few days. -Joel, what's the matter? 459 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,394 -Nothing. -Why are you giving me the brush-off? 460 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,063 I'm not giving you the brush-off. 461 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,190 I have to work, you have to go. Case closed. 462 00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,108 Okay, but... 463 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,778 Okay, I'll drop them off on Friday. 464 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,822 -Yup. -Come on. 465 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,701 I heard about Ethan meeting your new friend at the park. 466 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:42,330 -Oh, Joel... -You know, I have friends, too. 467 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,916 Maybe I should introduce them to the kids at the park. 468 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,835 I'm sorry. It was a mistake. 469 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,920 Mama told him we were there. I didn't invite him. 470 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,380 Those are my children, Midge. 471 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:52,090 I have a right to know who's meeting them. 472 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,967 -I agree. I told him that. -Oh, you did? When? 473 00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:56,386 When he showed up. I told him that you didn't know about it, 474 00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:58,263 and I needed to tell you before I introduced them. 475 00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,681 This is bullshit. 476 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,016 -I thought we were playing nice. -We are. 477 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,726 My kids! 478 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,603 Mine! I should be informed 479 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,522 before you hand them over to another man. 480 00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,774 I didn't hand them over to another man. 481 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,110 He showed up by accident. It was not intentional. 482 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,028 Don't make this a thing. 483 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,364 It is a thing! It's a big fu... 484 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,909 I have to work. You have to go. 485 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,369 You're being unreasonable. 486 00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:23,454 Oh, am I? Well, you should leave me then. 487 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,873 Oh, wait. 488 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,041 I didn't leave you. You left me! 489 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,460 And then you left me back! Figuratively speaking. 490 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,337 -Bye. -Bye! 491 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:38,136 ETHAN: We used a urinal. 492 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,346 JOEL: She's got a friend, a fucking... 493 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,348 -friend! -I hate friends. 494 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,142 Kids have all sorts of friends. 495 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,227 "Come meet my kids. We're in the park." 496 00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:48,938 Three kids. It's a lot of friends. 497 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,481 They're my kids, asshole. 498 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,025 My kids! 499 00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:54,152 Your two kids. I've got three. 500 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,280 Three kids, same income! 501 00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:58,907 "It was an accident." 502 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,491 Accident, my ass. 503 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,452 Accidents happen all the time, 504 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:06,247 especially after four Rob Roys, hence... three kids! 505 00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:08,458 You know what? I'm done. 506 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:12,045 Me, too. I don't care what Imogene's mother says. 507 00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,588 (grunting) 508 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,591 I know I fucked up, okay? 509 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:19,594 I fucked up! I get it! 510 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,721 And I've been paying for it for a year. 511 00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:23,348 No more. 512 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,350 She wants to live her life? Great. 513 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,851 I get to live mine, too. 514 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,395 Well, someone should, 'cause it won't be me. 515 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,189 Three kids! 516 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,232 My mother of all people-- she told me to stop waiting around. 517 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,568 Well, here you go, Ma. You win! 518 00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:37,278 Mothers always win. 519 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,197 Three kids! 520 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,407 She's not the only one who gets a dream. 521 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:43,368 I'm gonna have a dream. 522 00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,620 My dream? 523 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:48,206 A really empty house. 524 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:52,919 (grunting) 525 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,629 (panting) 526 00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:57,215 You know, when I was a kid, 527 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,217 there was this place down by the tracks. 528 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,927 A real shithole gin joint. 529 00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,637 The place barely had a roof, 530 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,597 -but they got some great musicians to play there. -Yeah? 531 00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,391 Louis Armstrong stopped by one night. 532 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,309 Blew the fucking roof off the place. 533 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:10,979 The owner, Mario-- he let me hang out there. 534 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,356 Threw me a couple of bucks if I ran errands, 535 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,108 bought the guys cigarettes, 536 00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:17,568 hauled some beer crates out of the cellar. 537 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,780 I loved that place. 538 00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,241 (siren wailing in distance) 539 00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:26,327 Maybe it wasn't the comedy. 540 00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:28,079 What do you mean? 541 00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:31,499 Clearly, I'm not funny, but maybe it was the club life, 542 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,251 the club scene, maybe that's what I loved. 543 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,420 I have to say, I always thought you were funny. 544 00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:37,046 -Archie. -You always make me laugh. 545 00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:39,132 Your impression of your Uncle Moe slays me. 546 00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:41,426 I'm talking professional funny. 547 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:43,052 Midge funny. 548 00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:45,555 Oh. Well, yeah, you're definitely not that. 549 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,808 I think I'm gonna do it. 550 00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:51,811 I think I'm gonna open a club. 551 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,855 (car horn honks) 552 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,529 (grunting) 553 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:03,489 (panting) 554 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:06,492 I guess now we have to pick up all those balls? 555 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,286 Yup. 556 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:10,413 Probably should have thought about that before we started. 557 00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:13,624 So many things we should have thought about before we started. 558 00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:25,094 ♪ ♪ 559 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:36,189 Charles, I'd like to talk to you in the secure room... now. 560 00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:42,403 (buzzer sounds) 561 00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:45,656 I'm very busy, Abe, so we'll need to make this brief. 562 00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:49,035 I talked to my daughter Miriam about your concerns, 563 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:50,661 and I can assure you... 564 00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:52,288 (buzzer sounds) 565 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,831 Abe, you remember Martin Cummings. 566 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,541 He's with our Government Liaison Department. 567 00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:57,585 -Hello, Abe. -Yes, hello, Martin. 568 00:22:57,627 --> 00:22:59,712 -But, Charles, we don't need... -(buzzer sounds) 569 00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:03,049 Abe, you remember Bob Jackson, head of our in-house counsel. 570 00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:04,592 Yes. Hello, Bob. 571 00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:06,844 But, Charles, what I want to say doesn't require... 572 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,471 (buzzer sounds) 573 00:23:08,513 --> 00:23:10,765 And, of course, Devlin Mclaine, obviously. 574 00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:12,266 He's here as a witness. 575 00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:14,310 (buzzer sounds) 576 00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:17,605 They must have buzzed the wrong room. 577 00:23:19,315 --> 00:23:21,526 We're done. 578 00:23:21,567 --> 00:23:24,278 Okay. As I was saying, 579 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,739 I talked to Miriam, and she told me... 580 00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:28,282 (clearing throats) 581 00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:30,326 (chairs squeaking on floor) 582 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:36,249 She did not say anything 583 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:39,377 about any project we are working on here. 584 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,170 She made a joke 585 00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:44,632 about the record I was playing at home, and that is all. 586 00:23:44,674 --> 00:23:46,050 She's a comedian. 587 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,136 They humiliate their families onstage. 588 00:23:48,177 --> 00:23:50,012 That's their job. 589 00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,931 So, no harm was done. 590 00:23:51,973 --> 00:23:54,725 Okay? 591 00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,727 We don't see it that way, Abe. 592 00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:58,688 Clearly, she knew you were working on something. 593 00:23:58,729 --> 00:24:01,232 -I'm always working on something. -At the very least, 594 00:24:01,274 --> 00:24:02,733 -you were extremely... -Loose-lipped. 595 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:04,443 Extremely loose-lipped about the situation. 596 00:24:04,485 --> 00:24:06,529 -We don't like loose lips. -They sink ships. 597 00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:08,239 I've heard the phrase. 598 00:24:08,281 --> 00:24:10,241 CHARLES: Why were you even listening to this album at home? 599 00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:11,576 Don't you have access to a bunker 600 00:24:11,617 --> 00:24:13,119 or a bomb shelter of some sort? 601 00:24:13,161 --> 00:24:14,871 You can't be serious. 602 00:24:14,912 --> 00:24:16,539 You played the album in front of your daughter. 603 00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:18,708 You then confirmed to her that you were indeed working 604 00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:20,585 on a Bell Labs government project. 605 00:24:20,626 --> 00:24:22,253 That alone puts you in breach of contract. 606 00:24:22,295 --> 00:24:24,005 So, not only are you a security risk, 607 00:24:24,046 --> 00:24:25,381 your daughter is one as well. 608 00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:26,549 She might want to retain a lawyer. 609 00:24:26,591 --> 00:24:28,467 -CHARLES: A good one. -She's a comedian. 610 00:24:28,509 --> 00:24:29,886 And a girl. 611 00:24:29,927 --> 00:24:32,305 What kind of risk could she possibly be? 612 00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:34,390 If I told you that, then I would be a security risk. 613 00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:37,059 And if I listen to that, then I would be a security risk. 614 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:39,562 You came to me, remember? 615 00:24:39,604 --> 00:24:43,191 You came to Columbia and-and begged me to come here 616 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:44,775 and give you my expertise. 617 00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:46,110 And I did. 618 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,279 And now you treat me like a criminal? 619 00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:52,366 Well, I can take that expertise back as fast as I gave it. 620 00:24:52,408 --> 00:24:53,784 Think about that. 621 00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:55,203 You signed away your intellectual property 622 00:24:55,244 --> 00:24:56,662 when you signed your contract. 623 00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,164 We own your expertise. 624 00:24:58,206 --> 00:24:59,999 You can't own my expertise! 625 00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:01,167 It's mine! 626 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:03,961 I think you should leave now. 627 00:25:09,884 --> 00:25:12,345 When I was a young man, 628 00:25:12,386 --> 00:25:15,348 I marched against people like you. 629 00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:20,186 People in coats with tags and secret bunkers. 630 00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:22,688 I was gonna fight you, bring you down, 631 00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:24,440 make the world a better place. 632 00:25:24,482 --> 00:25:27,693 I don't know how I got so far off that track, 633 00:25:27,735 --> 00:25:29,695 but you better believe I am going 634 00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:32,448 to start retracing my steps right now. 635 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,701 And if you ever threaten my daughter again, 636 00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:37,703 I will punch you right in the nose. 637 00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:39,705 It won't hurt. I'm not strong. 638 00:25:39,747 --> 00:25:42,458 But, at the very least, you will be embarrassed 639 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:46,545 that you got punched in the nose by a not-strong mathematician. 640 00:25:46,587 --> 00:25:49,465 You really want to mess with me? 641 00:25:49,507 --> 00:25:51,300 Go ahead. 642 00:25:51,342 --> 00:25:53,135 Take your best shot. 643 00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:58,724 And then you will find out what Abe Weissman is truly made of. 644 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:06,691 You're going to have to buzz me out. 645 00:26:06,732 --> 00:26:09,151 (buzzer sounds) 646 00:26:10,903 --> 00:26:13,614 -It's a girl! -It's a girl. 647 00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:15,116 Oh! Can I hug you? 648 00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:16,367 I just had a shot. 649 00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:18,035 Congratulations. 650 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,954 Millie. We called her Millie. 651 00:26:19,996 --> 00:26:21,789 -Aw. -Millicent, after Archie's someone or other. 652 00:26:21,831 --> 00:26:23,791 But Millicent, ugh. So, Millie! 653 00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:25,543 Millie is beautiful. 654 00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,545 What's he doing there? 655 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:28,671 IMOGENE: He was so nervous that Joel 656 00:26:28,713 --> 00:26:29,880 took him to a bar to relax him 657 00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:30,923 and brought him back like that. 658 00:26:30,965 --> 00:26:32,550 He fell and got two stitches in his head. 659 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:33,551 He just doesn't know it yet. 660 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,219 With Esther, Joel broke an arm. 661 00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:37,305 Men are really terrible at this. 662 00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:38,889 You want to see her? 663 00:26:38,931 --> 00:26:41,183 Well, I certainly didn't come here to see you. 664 00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:45,730 -Oh, Imogene, she's perfect. -Isn't she? 665 00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:47,982 -Boy or girl? -IMOGENE/MIDGE: Girl. 666 00:26:48,024 --> 00:26:50,318 Girl? Really? 667 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:51,610 -You knew that, Archie. -(fussing) 668 00:26:51,652 --> 00:26:54,322 -Can I hold her? -Well, someone should. 669 00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:55,823 (fussing) 670 00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:57,950 Hello, Millie. 671 00:26:57,992 --> 00:26:59,410 Millie? Really? 672 00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:00,578 You named her, Archie. 673 00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:02,330 I'm Miriam. 674 00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:04,332 You can call me Midge. 675 00:27:04,373 --> 00:27:06,625 We're gonna be great friends. 676 00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:08,419 Hey, don't I have an Aunt Millicent? 677 00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:10,212 Go get some coffee, Archie. 678 00:27:10,254 --> 00:27:13,215 See, now, if for some reason things don't work out 679 00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,968 with Ethan and Estelle, then he can marry Millie. 680 00:27:16,010 --> 00:27:17,303 MIDGE: Her first hand-me-down. 681 00:27:17,345 --> 00:27:18,637 Hey, what happened to my head? 682 00:27:18,679 --> 00:27:21,057 Oh, Midge, you have got to have another baby. 683 00:27:21,098 --> 00:27:23,267 -We always have them together. -I know. 684 00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:24,685 Don't you want another one? 685 00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:26,937 Well, I have two pretty good ones right now. 686 00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:28,606 I know. But when they're new... 687 00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:30,191 Fresh out of the drawer... 688 00:27:30,232 --> 00:27:31,442 There's nothing like it. 689 00:27:31,484 --> 00:27:32,610 ARCHIE: Do I have stitches? 690 00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:33,861 Archie, coffee. 691 00:27:33,903 --> 00:27:35,863 Okay. 692 00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:37,782 So... 693 00:27:37,823 --> 00:27:39,283 tell me where you stand. 694 00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:41,035 -What do you mean? -Benjamin. 695 00:27:41,077 --> 00:27:44,038 Is he in or out? Because, on paper, he seems perfect. 696 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:45,581 Off paper, too. 697 00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:46,999 If you hurry and get married, 698 00:27:47,041 --> 00:27:49,168 we can still take our stroller walks in the park together. 699 00:27:49,210 --> 00:27:51,003 Oh, I love those walks. 700 00:27:51,045 --> 00:27:53,214 One more peek. 701 00:27:53,255 --> 00:27:54,632 (knocking) 702 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,801 (exhales) Hi, Midge. 703 00:27:56,842 --> 00:27:59,470 I'm getting, uh... 704 00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:01,138 uh... 705 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:03,933 -Huh. -(Millie fussing) 706 00:28:05,643 --> 00:28:08,437 That's your daddy. 707 00:28:08,479 --> 00:28:10,439 (audience laughing) 708 00:28:10,481 --> 00:28:11,982 No, but my wife is great. 709 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:14,610 But, get this, she's jealous of our toilet, 710 00:28:14,652 --> 00:28:18,531 because I spend more time on it than I do on her. 711 00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:21,200 She says I should be more attentive in bed. 712 00:28:21,242 --> 00:28:23,869 Now, I'm in bed. I'm not fast asleep. 713 00:28:23,911 --> 00:28:26,038 I'd say that's pretty damn attentive. 714 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,624 Of course, it doesn't help much that I'm going bald on top. 715 00:28:28,666 --> 00:28:31,043 But I got hair growing out of the tops of my toes. 716 00:28:31,085 --> 00:28:33,796 -You want a drink? -I'm good. 717 00:28:33,838 --> 00:28:35,965 This guy's nothing. You can beat him. 718 00:28:36,006 --> 00:28:37,633 It's not a competition. 719 00:28:37,675 --> 00:28:39,802 Well, yeah, it kind of is. 720 00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:41,387 You gonna do the shopping bit? 721 00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:42,805 It's not ready yet. 722 00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:44,557 I thought it went good the other night. 723 00:28:44,598 --> 00:28:45,891 It's not ready. 724 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,309 Okay. 725 00:28:47,351 --> 00:28:49,061 MILES: Here's the thing, a penis is... 726 00:28:49,103 --> 00:28:50,479 -You have a thread... -I got it. 727 00:28:50,521 --> 00:28:52,481 -You're up next. -Finally. 728 00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:55,067 Now, you're not gonna go after any of my guys tonight, right? 729 00:28:55,109 --> 00:28:57,153 -You're gonna be a good girl? -"Good girl"? 730 00:28:57,194 --> 00:28:58,404 What are you, her kindergarten teacher? 731 00:28:58,446 --> 00:28:59,822 Hey, I wasn't talking to you. 732 00:28:59,864 --> 00:29:01,574 I'm her manager and I get ten percent 733 00:29:01,615 --> 00:29:03,909 precisely to tell you she can do whatever the fuck she wants. 734 00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:06,162 I'm not gonna go after any of your guys. I promise. 735 00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:07,663 Okay. Let's go. 736 00:29:07,705 --> 00:29:09,582 Thank you. I'm Miles Shapiro. 737 00:29:09,623 --> 00:29:12,418 I'll be at the Trap in Hoboken for a full week in December, 738 00:29:12,460 --> 00:29:15,254 so hop on the HandM, come on out, and keep me company! 739 00:29:15,296 --> 00:29:16,255 Good night, everybody! 740 00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:19,258 (cheering and applause) 741 00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:21,510 Next up onto the stage, 742 00:29:21,552 --> 00:29:23,429 a pretty lady with a lot to say. 743 00:29:23,471 --> 00:29:26,182 Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel. 744 00:29:26,223 --> 00:29:27,933 -(applause) -Hey, wait. We didn't do "Tits up." 745 00:29:27,975 --> 00:29:30,519 -Tits up. -Tits... 746 00:29:30,561 --> 00:29:32,354 MIDGE: Good evening, everyone. 747 00:29:32,396 --> 00:29:34,940 I'm Mrs. Maisel. It's great to be here at-- 748 00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:37,610 -Wait, where are we? Oh, right. -(laughter) 749 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:41,363 In that case, it's just okay to be here. 750 00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:42,948 It's better than traffic. 751 00:29:42,990 --> 00:29:44,783 Or prison. Well, maybe not traffic. 752 00:29:44,825 --> 00:29:48,037 Prison has less angry people screaming. 753 00:29:48,078 --> 00:29:49,455 I almost didn't make it here at all. 754 00:29:49,497 --> 00:29:51,707 My best friend Imogene just had a baby. 755 00:29:51,749 --> 00:29:53,626 A little girl. 756 00:29:53,667 --> 00:29:55,377 She's adorable. 757 00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:58,214 Still has the cute little forceps dent in her head. 758 00:29:58,255 --> 00:30:01,050 And I sat there in that hospital room thinking 759 00:30:01,091 --> 00:30:03,719 about all the things this little girl has to look forward to: 760 00:30:03,761 --> 00:30:05,554 roller skates, 761 00:30:05,596 --> 00:30:06,972 jump rope, 762 00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:08,974 cramps, 763 00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:12,144 and one day getting pregnant and having her own baby. 764 00:30:12,186 --> 00:30:14,313 And I started really thinking about the whole pregnancy thing. 765 00:30:14,355 --> 00:30:16,398 I mean, okay, you have sex. 766 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:17,816 Nice. 767 00:30:17,858 --> 00:30:20,152 You get pregnant. Nice. 768 00:30:20,194 --> 00:30:22,738 You let a human being grow inside your stomach 769 00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:26,408 for nine months till it's six to 12 pounds large 770 00:30:26,450 --> 00:30:28,035 and then you give it an escape route 771 00:30:28,077 --> 00:30:29,370 the size of a change purse. 772 00:30:29,411 --> 00:30:30,829 And-and not a normal 773 00:30:30,871 --> 00:30:32,498 "I'm going to the market" sized change purse, 774 00:30:32,540 --> 00:30:35,501 with room for cash and a Diners Club card, but a tiny 775 00:30:35,543 --> 00:30:37,169 little "I'm going out for the evening, 776 00:30:37,211 --> 00:30:39,338 I just need lipstick" change purse. 777 00:30:39,380 --> 00:30:42,132 Who agreed to this? 778 00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:43,801 Who, in the beginning, 779 00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:46,637 when it was getting sorted out, negotiated this deal? 780 00:30:46,679 --> 00:30:48,138 Was it Eve? 781 00:30:48,180 --> 00:30:50,724 No. I bet it was Adam. 782 00:30:50,766 --> 00:30:53,060 He hadn't eaten from the Tree of Knowledge yet, 783 00:30:53,102 --> 00:30:55,271 so he was just like, "Yeah, that'll fit." 784 00:30:55,312 --> 00:30:57,606 See, the thing I know the most about pregnancy 785 00:30:57,648 --> 00:30:59,608 -is that there is absolutely... -BOBBY: Okay, okay, okay! 786 00:30:59,650 --> 00:31:02,945 Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel! 787 00:31:02,987 --> 00:31:04,822 (applause) 788 00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,073 All right, we're gonna take a short break. 789 00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:09,493 But, uh, a lot more comedy ahead of you, so get ready! 790 00:31:09,535 --> 00:31:11,745 Are you crazy? You can't say that onstage. 791 00:31:11,787 --> 00:31:13,581 Say what, "change purse"? 792 00:31:13,622 --> 00:31:15,416 -What the fuck, Bobby? -"Pregnant." 793 00:31:15,457 --> 00:31:17,334 I can't say "pregnant"? Are you kidding? 794 00:31:17,376 --> 00:31:19,420 -Nobody wants to hear that word. -Well, I know they don't want 795 00:31:19,461 --> 00:31:21,422 to hear it in the context of "Guess what, I'm pregnant. 796 00:31:21,463 --> 00:31:23,257 -Who gets to tell your wife?" -Any context. 797 00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:25,009 -It's foul. -It's foul? 798 00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:27,177 The guy before her talked about getting dick fungus. 799 00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:29,263 That was funny. This is female stuff. 800 00:31:29,305 --> 00:31:31,265 -It's private. -It's real. 801 00:31:31,307 --> 00:31:33,100 It's life. Literally. 802 00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:35,185 She can talk about whatever she wants to. 803 00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:37,354 -It's her act. -Nope. Here she tells jokes. 804 00:31:37,396 --> 00:31:39,106 You want to talk about your female parts, 805 00:31:39,148 --> 00:31:42,526 you go see the obstrenician-- ob-- whatever the fuck. 806 00:31:42,568 --> 00:31:44,862 Not on my stage! 807 00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,947 I hate that guy. 808 00:31:46,989 --> 00:31:49,283 Screw this place. We don't have to play here anymore. 809 00:31:49,325 --> 00:31:50,784 Really? Where else are we gonna go? 810 00:31:50,826 --> 00:31:52,620 -Anywhere. -Anywhere below Midtown 811 00:31:52,661 --> 00:31:54,455 or in another state, as long as it's a shithole 812 00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:56,040 and has only three people in it, right? 813 00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:57,958 Next thing you know, I'll be reduced to doing two minutes 814 00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,461 in the ladies' room. I mean, "Why are there mints in here? 815 00:32:00,502 --> 00:32:02,296 "It's not your mouth that needs refreshing. 816 00:32:02,338 --> 00:32:04,298 "Am I right, ladies? I'll be here all week. 817 00:32:04,340 --> 00:32:05,716 Remember to tip your attendant." 818 00:32:05,758 --> 00:32:07,468 We'll find more clubs. 819 00:32:07,509 --> 00:32:08,886 This business sucks. 820 00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:10,054 I hate it. 821 00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:11,305 Hey, that's the game. 822 00:32:11,347 --> 00:32:12,389 You know that. 823 00:32:12,431 --> 00:32:13,807 You just have to keep fighting. 824 00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:14,892 You keep fighting. 825 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,895 I'm gonna get a drink. 826 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:21,398 ("One for My Baby" by Frank Sinatra playing) 827 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:22,608 (neon sign buzzing) 828 00:32:22,650 --> 00:32:24,860 (thunder rumbling) 829 00:32:32,034 --> 00:32:35,829 ♪ It's quarter to 3:00 ♪ 830 00:32:35,871 --> 00:32:39,416 ♪ There's no one in the place ♪ 831 00:32:39,458 --> 00:32:43,337 ♪ Except you and me ♪ 832 00:32:43,379 --> 00:32:46,632 (indistinct chatter) 833 00:32:46,674 --> 00:32:50,052 ♪ So set 'em up, Joe ♪ 834 00:32:50,094 --> 00:32:52,388 ♪ I got a little story ♪ 835 00:32:52,429 --> 00:32:54,139 Two comics walk into a bar... 836 00:32:54,181 --> 00:32:56,475 And neither one has any money to pay for the drinks. 837 00:32:56,517 --> 00:32:58,477 Ah, shit, you've heard it before. 838 00:32:58,519 --> 00:33:00,896 What are you doing in this despicable place? 839 00:33:00,938 --> 00:33:02,314 Sulking. 840 00:33:02,356 --> 00:33:04,650 I was just yanked from the stage mid-set 841 00:33:04,692 --> 00:33:05,901 and thrown out of the club. 842 00:33:05,943 --> 00:33:07,903 -What did you say? -"Pregnant." 843 00:33:07,945 --> 00:33:09,571 Oh, well, then you had it coming. 844 00:33:09,613 --> 00:33:11,782 I wasn't even dirty. That dirty. 845 00:33:11,824 --> 00:33:13,784 I wasn't any dirtier than I usually am, 846 00:33:13,826 --> 00:33:15,786 and this asshole literally pushed me off the stage 847 00:33:15,828 --> 00:33:18,372 because I was talking about my best friend having a baby. 848 00:33:18,414 --> 00:33:20,624 Well, you know I like you. 849 00:33:20,666 --> 00:33:22,876 And, normally, I would do everything in my power 850 00:33:22,918 --> 00:33:24,044 to make you feel better. 851 00:33:24,086 --> 00:33:25,295 However, tonight, 852 00:33:25,337 --> 00:33:27,005 I am feeling very sorry for myself, 853 00:33:27,047 --> 00:33:29,007 so all of my sympathy is reserved for me. 854 00:33:29,049 --> 00:33:30,551 What's the matter? 855 00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:33,137 We can now add Chicago to the list of places 856 00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:35,389 that have a warrant out for my arrest. 857 00:33:35,431 --> 00:33:37,015 What did you say? 858 00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:39,768 I talked about your friend having a baby. 859 00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:43,439 And the Pope fucking a three-legged duck. 860 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,649 And interracial dating. 861 00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:49,570 And what does Marilyn Maxwell possibly see in Bob Hope. 862 00:33:49,611 --> 00:33:51,321 That's what they got you for. 863 00:33:51,363 --> 00:33:53,157 The man is a national treasure. 864 00:33:53,198 --> 00:33:55,409 At this rate, the only place I'm gonna be able to work 865 00:33:55,451 --> 00:33:57,745 is Wyoming, and who knows what the people of Wyoming will do 866 00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,079 at the sight of their first Jew. 867 00:33:59,121 --> 00:34:01,415 Hey, drink your drink. 868 00:34:01,457 --> 00:34:03,417 (exhales) 869 00:34:03,459 --> 00:34:06,837 ♪ I could tell you a lot ♪ 870 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:09,047 That wasn't my drink. 871 00:34:09,089 --> 00:34:10,799 But it did help. 872 00:34:10,841 --> 00:34:11,967 Thanks. 873 00:34:12,009 --> 00:34:14,636 ♪ True to your code ♪ 874 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:17,389 I'm tired. 875 00:34:17,431 --> 00:34:19,475 I'm getting tired. 876 00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:21,059 Yeah. 877 00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:22,978 I know what you mean. 878 00:34:23,020 --> 00:34:25,564 Sometimes, I think, "Is it worth it?" 879 00:34:25,606 --> 00:34:28,650 And, sometimes, I think, "No." 880 00:34:28,692 --> 00:34:30,152 I'm Sisyphus, 881 00:34:30,194 --> 00:34:32,488 without the fabulous hair and the loincloth, 882 00:34:32,529 --> 00:34:36,200 pushing that boulder up that hill over and over and over. 883 00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:37,951 Try it in heels. 884 00:34:37,993 --> 00:34:39,870 I'm working to pay all the lawyers. 885 00:34:39,912 --> 00:34:41,371 I'm broke. 886 00:34:41,413 --> 00:34:43,457 I gave up my apartment, sold my car. 887 00:34:43,499 --> 00:34:46,126 Well, I think it was my car. But, either way, it's gone. 888 00:34:46,168 --> 00:34:47,461 Do you need some money? 889 00:34:47,503 --> 00:34:49,713 I could ask my father for a loan. 890 00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:51,715 Thank you. Thank your father, 891 00:34:51,757 --> 00:34:55,594 but I am very capable of running out on a bill like a grown-up. 892 00:34:55,636 --> 00:34:57,763 ♪ Won't you listen to me ♪ 893 00:34:57,805 --> 00:35:00,182 It's going to be okay. 894 00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:01,767 Is it? 895 00:35:01,809 --> 00:35:03,602 ♪ Till it's talked away ♪ 896 00:35:03,644 --> 00:35:06,104 Yes. 897 00:35:06,146 --> 00:35:08,524 There is a little silver lining. 898 00:35:08,565 --> 00:35:11,276 Steve Allen gave me a spot on his show. 899 00:35:11,318 --> 00:35:13,612 That's a pretty big silver lining, mister. 900 00:35:13,654 --> 00:35:15,197 He's giving me a chance to prove 901 00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:17,950 that I can play nice with the other kids. 902 00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:19,368 Make myself presentable again. 903 00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:20,619 That's great. 904 00:35:20,661 --> 00:35:22,621 Yes. 905 00:35:22,663 --> 00:35:25,082 Yes, it is. 906 00:35:28,669 --> 00:35:32,214 First time I took my son Ethan for a playdate with other kids, 907 00:35:32,256 --> 00:35:34,466 he was so nervous that I promised to stand outside 908 00:35:34,508 --> 00:35:36,635 the whole time in case he wanted to leave. 909 00:35:36,677 --> 00:35:38,470 He didn't. 910 00:35:38,512 --> 00:35:40,722 It rained. 911 00:35:40,764 --> 00:35:43,600 Want me to come stand outside your playdate? 912 00:35:43,642 --> 00:35:47,604 ♪ But this torch that I found ♪ 913 00:35:47,646 --> 00:35:51,233 ♪ It's got to be drowned ♪ 914 00:35:51,275 --> 00:35:53,318 You are lovely. 915 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,404 ♪ Might explode ♪ 916 00:35:55,445 --> 00:35:58,407 Yes, a little moral support never hurts. 917 00:35:58,448 --> 00:36:00,450 Okay. 918 00:36:00,492 --> 00:36:05,163 I want you to know that I am feeling... 919 00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,084 ...a little emasculated right now. 920 00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:17,467 I don't really mind it, actually. 921 00:36:17,509 --> 00:36:19,303 ♪ So long ♪ 922 00:36:19,344 --> 00:36:22,723 Sunday night. 8:00. 923 00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,725 ♪ The long ♪ 924 00:36:24,766 --> 00:36:26,768 Bring an umbrella. 925 00:36:26,810 --> 00:36:29,187 ♪ Very long. ♪ 926 00:36:36,737 --> 00:36:38,989 "Eat shit." You eat shit. 927 00:36:39,031 --> 00:36:41,283 I'm kidnapped, my client's fucked over, 928 00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:44,620 but I'm the one that has to eat shit? 929 00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:47,706 (sighs) 930 00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:48,999 Okay, screw it. 931 00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:52,169 (doorbell plays a tune) 932 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:56,214 -Miss Myerson? -Yeah. 933 00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:58,717 May I see some form of identification? 934 00:37:00,093 --> 00:37:01,303 Won't you come in? 935 00:37:01,345 --> 00:37:03,305 Thanks. 936 00:37:03,347 --> 00:37:05,265 Wow, cramped. 937 00:37:08,810 --> 00:37:11,855 Miss Susie Myerson. 938 00:37:11,897 --> 00:37:14,149 Jesus Christ. 939 00:37:14,191 --> 00:37:17,110 Come closer. 940 00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:19,154 (dogs panting) 941 00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:22,699 Close enough. 942 00:37:22,741 --> 00:37:24,701 Two steps back. 943 00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:30,415 So... 944 00:37:30,457 --> 00:37:33,835 Okay, look, I came here to eat shit so just let me eat it. 945 00:37:33,877 --> 00:37:38,256 I thought my secretary told you to eat before you came. 946 00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:39,841 The other night in my dressing room you said 947 00:37:39,883 --> 00:37:42,636 some dreadful things. 948 00:37:42,678 --> 00:37:45,055 There were threats of violence. 949 00:37:45,097 --> 00:37:48,433 Against me, against my costume. 950 00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:50,102 I know, I'm sorry about that. 951 00:37:50,143 --> 00:37:53,563 You blocked my steam; no one has ever blocked my steam before. 952 00:37:53,605 --> 00:37:55,774 I was out of line, okay? 953 00:37:55,816 --> 00:37:57,901 But you have to understand, I was protecting my client. 954 00:37:57,943 --> 00:37:59,319 -Out! -Okay. 955 00:37:59,361 --> 00:38:02,322 SOPHIE: Not you. 956 00:38:02,364 --> 00:38:07,327 Did you know that I went to the Yale School of Drama? 957 00:38:07,369 --> 00:38:10,956 That's where I met Kazan. Fucked him, too. 958 00:38:10,998 --> 00:38:16,920 I fancied myself Medea, Phaedra, 959 00:38:16,962 --> 00:38:21,633 Nora, Hedda Gabler, Maggie the Cat... 960 00:38:21,675 --> 00:38:23,260 Richard III? 961 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:26,013 But fate had something different in store for me. 962 00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:29,266 Sophie from Queens. 963 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:31,935 (chuckles) You know I've never been to Queens? 964 00:38:31,977 --> 00:38:34,396 I've driven through, I've performed there, 965 00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:36,273 but I've never actually been. 966 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:39,609 Tell me, is that really how they talk? 967 00:38:39,651 --> 00:38:41,653 Well, they don't discuss putting things on plates 968 00:38:41,695 --> 00:38:42,863 as much as you think. 969 00:38:42,904 --> 00:38:46,324 Harry Drake, he knew I wanted to be a serious actress 970 00:38:46,366 --> 00:38:49,036 when he signed me, but he didn't care. 971 00:38:49,077 --> 00:38:51,830 (chuckles) He didn't care about Sophie from Ann Arbor. 972 00:38:51,872 --> 00:38:55,083 He only cared about Sophie from Queens. 973 00:38:55,125 --> 00:38:58,587 And I thought, "All right, so become a star, Sophie. 974 00:38:58,628 --> 00:39:00,213 Then you can do whatever you want." 975 00:39:00,255 --> 00:39:03,300 And now I am a star. 976 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:07,679 And I still slap on a fat suit night after night 977 00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:10,474 because my people don't think the audience 978 00:39:10,515 --> 00:39:13,310 will come see me in A Streetcar Named Desire. 979 00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:14,770 Oh, they're wrong; I'd pay anything 980 00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:16,563 to see you carted off to an asylum. 981 00:39:16,605 --> 00:39:21,026 My people say, "Stay where you are or you'll lose everything." 982 00:39:21,068 --> 00:39:23,195 They don't believe in me. 983 00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:25,405 I want someone to believe in me. 984 00:39:25,447 --> 00:39:28,658 To fight for me, to threaten violence for me 985 00:39:28,700 --> 00:39:30,827 the way you threatened violence for her. 986 00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:33,330 Well, Harry Drake did send two guys to kill me. 987 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:34,915 And yet here you are. 988 00:39:34,956 --> 00:39:38,877 Look, Sophie, Miriam and I are just different, okay? 989 00:39:38,919 --> 00:39:41,671 We have kind of a special thing going on, a connection. 990 00:39:41,713 --> 00:39:44,716 And I want a special thing as well. 991 00:39:44,758 --> 00:39:48,220 I want someone to have passion for me. 992 00:39:48,261 --> 00:39:53,934 Drive, vision, fearlessness. 993 00:39:53,975 --> 00:39:55,352 I want you. 994 00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:57,020 To what? 995 00:39:59,064 --> 00:40:02,609 I want you to be my manager. 996 00:40:02,651 --> 00:40:04,611 (dog howls) 997 00:40:07,072 --> 00:40:09,241 Do not concern yourself with returning the coat. 998 00:40:09,282 --> 00:40:12,577 Miss Lennon's worn it twice. Good-bye. 999 00:40:16,331 --> 00:40:18,667 What the fuck?! 1000 00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:22,170 Second wedding, my ass. 1001 00:40:23,588 --> 00:40:26,258 (phone rings) 1002 00:40:26,299 --> 00:40:27,384 Hello? 1003 00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:28,844 I've heard absolutely nothing from your father 1004 00:40:28,885 --> 00:40:30,137 and I'm going insane. 1005 00:40:30,178 --> 00:40:31,263 Then you'll fit right into our family. 1006 00:40:31,304 --> 00:40:32,597 What could possibly be the holdup? 1007 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:34,307 I'm a doctor. Do you know what kind of parking spaces 1008 00:40:34,349 --> 00:40:36,059 you get when you're a doctor? Spectacular. 1009 00:40:36,101 --> 00:40:37,227 That was the clincher for me. 1010 00:40:37,269 --> 00:40:38,812 I wonder if I blew it with my reading list. 1011 00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:41,064 -Why? -I padded it a little. 1012 00:40:41,106 --> 00:40:42,649 A lot. I padded it a lot. 1013 00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:44,401 -It doesn't matter. -What if there's a quiz? 1014 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,403 -There won't be a quiz. -We had fun, didn't we? 1015 00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,655 Hey, relax. You have surgery today. 1016 00:40:48,697 --> 00:40:51,032 Go have a martini. Or you're in a hospital, take a Seconal. 1017 00:40:51,074 --> 00:40:52,367 Someday I'll need to explain to you 1018 00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:53,910 what surgery actually entails. 1019 00:40:53,952 --> 00:40:55,662 -MAN: Paging Dr. Ettenberg. -Maybe I should call him again. 1020 00:40:55,704 --> 00:40:58,206 -Is that too desperate? -Do you have to go? 1021 00:40:58,248 --> 00:40:59,541 No. Why? 1022 00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:01,585 -Aren't you Dr. Ettenberg? -Yeah, so? 1023 00:41:01,626 --> 00:41:03,170 Oh, God, I have to go. I told you, insane. 1024 00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:05,213 -I'll call you later. -It's all going to be fine. 1025 00:41:05,255 --> 00:41:06,673 I promise you. 1026 00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:08,717 (phone rings) 1027 00:41:08,758 --> 00:41:10,051 Hello? 1028 00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:11,761 SHY (over phone): May I speak to Mrs. Maisel? 1029 00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:13,180 Who's calling? 1030 00:41:13,221 --> 00:41:14,764 Shy Baldwin here. 1031 00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:16,308 We met the other night, remember? 1032 00:41:16,349 --> 00:41:18,894 Remember? Well-- Shy Baldwin? 1033 00:41:18,935 --> 00:41:21,188 Shy-- Mama! 1034 00:41:21,229 --> 00:41:23,190 My mother would love to talk to-- Mama, seriously! 1035 00:41:23,231 --> 00:41:25,901 Oh, shit, I forgot. Hairdresser. 1036 00:41:25,942 --> 00:41:27,319 Hairdresser's very important. 1037 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:28,945 She will never forgive me if she misses this. 1038 00:41:28,987 --> 00:41:30,155 She will kill me. Brutally. 1039 00:41:30,197 --> 00:41:31,323 And then it might be linked to you in the press 1040 00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:32,490 and I'd feel terrible about that. Please wait 1041 00:41:32,532 --> 00:41:33,867 till she gets back. Can I get you some coffee? 1042 00:41:33,909 --> 00:41:35,785 Absolutely, cream and sugar. 1043 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,871 -You're not here. -And you should be a singer 1044 00:41:37,913 --> 00:41:39,122 with that kind of breath control. 1045 00:41:39,164 --> 00:41:40,332 I'm sorry. 1046 00:41:40,373 --> 00:41:42,834 I'm just a really big-- Why are you calling? 1047 00:41:42,876 --> 00:41:45,295 Because I saw you on that telethon 1048 00:41:45,337 --> 00:41:47,672 and I thought you were sensational. 1049 00:41:47,714 --> 00:41:49,674 And as I was sitting there having my nightcap, 1050 00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:53,303 I said to myself, "Why isn't that girl a star?" 1051 00:41:53,345 --> 00:41:55,347 And then I said to myself, "Well, you know what, Shy, 1052 00:41:55,388 --> 00:41:57,098 you can help with this situation." 1053 00:41:57,140 --> 00:41:59,267 So I am. 1054 00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:02,229 How would you like to open for me on tour? 1055 00:42:02,270 --> 00:42:03,605 What? 1056 00:42:03,647 --> 00:42:04,898 It'll be six months. 1057 00:42:04,940 --> 00:42:06,399 Three in the States, three in Europe. 1058 00:42:06,441 --> 00:42:09,486 You'll do 30 minutes and a couple of bits with me. 1059 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,196 We leave in two weeks and you'll need 1060 00:42:11,238 --> 00:42:13,740 a lot of new fancy clothes, which I will pay for. 1061 00:42:13,782 --> 00:42:16,493 There it is. That's the purpose of my phone call. 1062 00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:17,953 -So, what do you... -Yes. 1063 00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:19,704 Are you sure you don't need... 1064 00:42:19,746 --> 00:42:21,206 No. Yes. 1065 00:42:21,248 --> 00:42:22,958 Oh, my God. Yes. 1066 00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:25,418 Then we have a deal, little miss mouthy. 1067 00:42:25,460 --> 00:42:28,213 I'll get in touch with your people to work out the details. 1068 00:42:28,255 --> 00:42:30,048 We're gonna have a hell of a time. 1069 00:42:30,090 --> 00:42:31,299 Talk to you soon. 1070 00:42:37,681 --> 00:42:39,015 (screams) 1071 00:42:41,643 --> 00:42:43,645 (panting) 1072 00:42:46,273 --> 00:42:48,024 Oh! 1073 00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:49,484 I have news. 1074 00:42:49,526 --> 00:42:51,528 God, give me a fucking heart attack. 1075 00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:54,239 Wait, the heart attack's coming. We need a drink. 1076 00:42:54,281 --> 00:42:55,490 I need a defibrillator. 1077 00:42:55,532 --> 00:42:57,325 -You ready? -Sure. 1078 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,202 You are gonna have to give me a better "sure" than that. 1079 00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:01,913 -Sure! -Ew, go back. 1080 00:43:01,955 --> 00:43:03,206 Just fucking say it. 1081 00:43:07,085 --> 00:43:09,879 We are going on tour with Shy Baldwin. 1082 00:43:09,921 --> 00:43:11,256 What? 1083 00:43:11,298 --> 00:43:13,133 He saw me at the telethon in my shit spot 1084 00:43:13,174 --> 00:43:16,594 and he loved me and he wants me to open for him for six months. 1085 00:43:16,636 --> 00:43:19,097 Huh? How's that story gonna play on Jack Paar? 1086 00:43:19,139 --> 00:43:21,182 -You're sure it was Shy Baldwin? -Yup. 1087 00:43:21,224 --> 00:43:22,851 And you're sure he asked you to tour, 1088 00:43:22,892 --> 00:43:23,852 like flat-out asked you? 1089 00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:24,853 I want a pink dressing room. 1090 00:43:24,894 --> 00:43:25,979 Can you put that in my contract? 1091 00:43:26,021 --> 00:43:27,439 You're gonna open for Shy Baldwin. 1092 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,524 Fuck Midtown, we're going to Europe. 1093 00:43:29,566 --> 00:43:30,859 I'm gonna need a passport. 1094 00:43:30,900 --> 00:43:32,193 And some decent underwear. 1095 00:43:32,235 --> 00:43:33,737 I can't believe it. 1096 00:43:33,778 --> 00:43:34,946 You know what I'd love to do? 1097 00:43:34,988 --> 00:43:37,615 Buy Sophie Lennon some flowers. 1098 00:43:37,657 --> 00:43:39,367 Sophie Lennon? 1099 00:43:39,409 --> 00:43:41,578 If she hadn't bumped me, I never would've gone on at midnight 1100 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,913 and Shy never would have seen me and I wouldn't be assembling 1101 00:43:43,955 --> 00:43:45,332 a fabulous traveling outfit in my head right now. 1102 00:43:45,373 --> 00:43:47,250 I see a blue hat with feathers. 1103 00:43:47,292 --> 00:43:48,752 Let's just focus on the tour. 1104 00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:51,421 Revenge is a dish best served cold. 1105 00:43:51,463 --> 00:43:53,590 Get ready for some ice cream, bitch. 1106 00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:54,883 I should get his people on the phone. 1107 00:43:54,924 --> 00:43:56,843 Start talking salary; I don't want him thinking 1108 00:43:56,885 --> 00:43:58,219 just 'cause you're new, you're cheap. 1109 00:43:58,261 --> 00:44:01,056 I am totally new and completely cheap. 1110 00:44:01,097 --> 00:44:03,016 Hey, hey. 1111 00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:08,730 We did it. You and me. 1112 00:44:10,732 --> 00:44:12,859 Miriam, I should tell you something. 1113 00:44:12,901 --> 00:44:14,027 -You love me. -No. 1114 00:44:14,069 --> 00:44:15,153 I am amazing. 1115 00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,905 Can you please stop talking about yourself? 1116 00:44:16,946 --> 00:44:18,656 That's our bread and butter now, sister. 1117 00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:20,617 I just need to tell you... 1118 00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:23,203 My underwear's fine, so shut up. 1119 00:44:23,244 --> 00:44:24,954 We're going shopping. 1120 00:44:24,996 --> 00:44:26,414 Right now. 1121 00:44:26,456 --> 00:44:29,626 I have dresses to buy and hats to buy 1122 00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:32,045 and shoes to buy and purses to buy. 1123 00:44:32,087 --> 00:44:34,047 Should we maybe make some money before we go broke 1124 00:44:34,089 --> 00:44:37,759 and have to blow job our way across Europe? 1125 00:44:37,801 --> 00:44:39,260 (exhales) 1126 00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,931 Hello? It's me. Who's here? 1127 00:44:42,972 --> 00:44:44,599 ABE: Miriam. I need to talk to you. 1128 00:44:44,641 --> 00:44:46,017 -(door slams) -Can you do it on the move? 1129 00:44:46,059 --> 00:44:47,519 -I'm late. -Of course you're late. 1130 00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:48,603 You're always late. 1131 00:44:48,645 --> 00:44:49,729 You ever wondered to yourself, 1132 00:44:49,771 --> 00:44:51,564 -"Why am I always late?" -No. 1133 00:44:51,606 --> 00:44:53,608 Perhaps if you had a watch for every outfit. 1134 00:44:53,650 --> 00:44:56,861 -You needed to talk to me, Papa? -Yes, I've made a decision. 1135 00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:58,071 About what? 1136 00:44:58,113 --> 00:45:00,198 What do you mean, "about what?" 1137 00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:03,368 How many decisions concerning you am I making these days? 1138 00:45:03,410 --> 00:45:04,536 I don't know. Six? 1139 00:45:04,577 --> 00:45:05,912 -No. -Eight? 1140 00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:07,205 -No. -35? 1141 00:45:07,247 --> 00:45:09,833 I made a decision concerning you and Benjamin. 1142 00:45:09,874 --> 00:45:13,461 I know it took longer than you had desired, 1143 00:45:13,503 --> 00:45:15,338 but I had a devil of a time getting my hands 1144 00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:16,840 on his vaccination records. 1145 00:45:16,881 --> 00:45:19,467 I'm happy to say his references checked out, 1146 00:45:19,509 --> 00:45:21,970 his financials are sufficient, he can swim, 1147 00:45:22,011 --> 00:45:24,013 he's up-to-date on his mortgage payments, 1148 00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:26,433 his tax returns are in order, 1149 00:45:26,474 --> 00:45:29,602 and his patients have an 86% survival rate. 1150 00:45:29,644 --> 00:45:32,105 I will admit his reading list gave me pause. 1151 00:45:32,147 --> 00:45:36,651 Panaslotsky is not a real author and I was briefly offended 1152 00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,403 that he thought I could be duped. 1153 00:45:38,445 --> 00:45:41,990 However, after much deliberation, Miriam, 1154 00:45:42,031 --> 00:45:44,701 I have decided to give Benjamin permission 1155 00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:46,619 to ask for your hand. 1156 00:45:46,661 --> 00:45:49,122 You may get married. Again. 1157 00:45:50,290 --> 00:45:54,669 What? What? 1158 00:45:56,254 --> 00:45:57,464 -Shit. -(door opens) 1159 00:45:57,505 --> 00:46:00,258 ROSE: Hello? Anyone here? 1160 00:46:00,300 --> 00:46:02,719 -Not a word. I'm coming, Rose. -But Papa... 1161 00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,888 I have been waiting here all day to tell your mother 1162 00:46:04,929 --> 00:46:06,764 some things that may well make her take to her bed, 1163 00:46:06,806 --> 00:46:08,933 and I won't get a chance to tell her those things if she's 1164 00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:10,435 -already taken to her bed. -But... 1165 00:46:10,477 --> 00:46:12,479 Me first! 1166 00:46:14,147 --> 00:46:17,233 David Begelman says hello; I ran into him at the shoe repair. 1167 00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,819 -He's aging very poorly. -That's great. 1168 00:46:19,861 --> 00:46:23,615 Why don't we go into my study for a minute? 1169 00:46:23,656 --> 00:46:25,033 -Okay. -(sighs) 1170 00:46:25,074 --> 00:46:27,035 Just take a seat, please. 1171 00:46:27,076 --> 00:46:29,787 Um, where? 1172 00:46:29,829 --> 00:46:33,833 -Oh, uh... -MIDGE: Mama? 1173 00:46:33,875 --> 00:46:35,543 -Uh... -Papa? 1174 00:46:35,585 --> 00:46:38,838 -I'm late, I'm heading out! -(door opens) 1175 00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:41,049 Abe, please, what do you want to talk about? 1176 00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:43,301 -Rose... -(door closes) 1177 00:46:43,343 --> 00:46:44,636 You know that things have been 1178 00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:46,888 a little unsettled for me lately. 1179 00:46:46,930 --> 00:46:49,224 I know. They'll get better. 1180 00:46:49,265 --> 00:46:52,352 Yes, well, I went to Bell Labs and talked to Charles. 1181 00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:54,562 -I was incredibly reasonable. -Oh, dear. 1182 00:46:54,604 --> 00:46:56,397 -Is he hurt? -No, Charles is fine. 1183 00:46:56,439 --> 00:46:58,191 We just talked. 1184 00:46:58,233 --> 00:47:01,653 But something happened to me during that talk. 1185 00:47:01,694 --> 00:47:04,989 I started to think about my life. 1186 00:47:05,031 --> 00:47:08,201 Who I used to be, who I've become. 1187 00:47:08,243 --> 00:47:13,414 The choices I've made, the way I've raised my children. 1188 00:47:13,456 --> 00:47:15,625 I think I need to reevaluate some things. 1189 00:47:15,667 --> 00:47:17,210 What things? 1190 00:47:17,252 --> 00:47:21,965 It's not going to work out with Bell Labs, Rose. 1191 00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:24,133 That is not a place for me anymore. 1192 00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:27,136 Well, fine, you'll just focus on the university. 1193 00:47:27,178 --> 00:47:29,013 And I'm going to leave Columbia. 1194 00:47:29,055 --> 00:47:30,348 What? 1195 00:47:30,390 --> 00:47:32,475 I don't want to teach there anymore. 1196 00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:33,851 But-but you're a tenured professor. 1197 00:47:33,893 --> 00:47:36,813 I know. And they want to put me on the shelf. 1198 00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:38,856 -Take a sabbatical. -A paid sabbatical. 1199 00:47:38,898 --> 00:47:41,401 I don't want their money if I'm not earning it. 1200 00:47:41,442 --> 00:47:43,361 -Of course you do. -I'm going to give it up. 1201 00:47:43,403 --> 00:47:44,696 All of it. 1202 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:47,031 -The job, the tenure... -You've lost your mind. 1203 00:47:47,073 --> 00:47:48,658 No, I haven't. 1204 00:47:48,700 --> 00:47:50,243 You're leaving Columbia? 1205 00:47:50,285 --> 00:47:53,162 I don't want to spend my life just drifting along. 1206 00:47:53,204 --> 00:47:56,374 I used to have purpose. I want it back. 1207 00:47:56,416 --> 00:47:58,167 -You're giving up your tenure? -Yes. 1208 00:47:58,209 --> 00:48:00,253 Colombia owns our apartment, Abe. 1209 00:48:05,008 --> 00:48:09,220 Yes... they do. 1210 00:48:09,262 --> 00:48:11,264 So, what do we do? 1211 00:48:11,306 --> 00:48:13,474 Move in with Miriam and Benjamin? 1212 00:48:20,273 --> 00:48:24,027 You'd really better sit down. 1213 00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:26,988 (applause) 1214 00:48:27,030 --> 00:48:28,823 STEVE ALLEN: So I'll tell you how we're 1215 00:48:28,865 --> 00:48:30,825 gonna fix the problem. We've decided 1216 00:48:30,867 --> 00:48:32,744 that once a month, we will book a comedian 1217 00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:33,953 -who will offend everyone. -(laughter) 1218 00:48:33,995 --> 00:48:35,788 Fair enough? All right. 1219 00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:37,498 -MIDGE: He knows I'm coming. -MAN: Doesn't matter. 1220 00:48:37,540 --> 00:48:39,167 -He knows I'm coming. -You're not on the list. 1221 00:48:39,208 --> 00:48:40,627 -He knows I'm coming. -He didn't leave a name. 1222 00:48:40,668 --> 00:48:42,170 He knows I'm coming. Lenny. 1223 00:48:42,211 --> 00:48:44,088 It's all right, Perry. She's my mother. 1224 00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:46,007 You didn't leave my name. Perry's having a heart attack. 1225 00:48:46,049 --> 00:48:47,634 I'm very sorry, Perry. It won't happen again. 1226 00:48:47,675 --> 00:48:49,218 People's names are supposed to be on the list. 1227 00:48:49,260 --> 00:48:50,887 That's how it works. 1228 00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,930 There goes the next president of the United States. 1229 00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,307 Never mind him. Let me look at you. 1230 00:48:54,349 --> 00:48:57,852 Good suit. Nice tie. Hair's fine. 1231 00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:00,855 Get ready for your intro. Only he goes onstage. 1232 00:49:00,897 --> 00:49:03,107 Hmm, Perry knows me better than I thought. 1233 00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:04,942 STEVE: Now, ladies and gentlemen, 1234 00:49:04,984 --> 00:49:06,778 here is a very shocking comedian, 1235 00:49:06,819 --> 00:49:08,821 the most shocking comedian of our time. 1236 00:49:08,863 --> 00:49:11,366 A young man who is skyrocketing to fame, 1237 00:49:11,407 --> 00:49:12,700 -Lenny Bruce. -(cheering and applause) 1238 00:49:12,742 --> 00:49:15,787 -Tits up. -Thanks. 1239 00:49:15,828 --> 00:49:18,289 -You'll explain that when I get back? -Yes, I will. 1240 00:49:28,174 --> 00:49:30,968 LENNY: Will Elizabeth Taylor become bar mitzvahed? 1241 00:49:31,010 --> 00:49:32,428 (laughter) 1242 00:49:32,470 --> 00:49:34,138 Yeah, I promise continuity. 1243 00:49:34,180 --> 00:49:35,807 I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed. 1244 00:49:35,848 --> 00:49:37,892 And actually, I do have 1245 00:49:37,934 --> 00:49:41,562 and always will be accused of banter. 1246 00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:43,356 Ha! Yeah. 1247 00:49:43,398 --> 00:49:46,234 But there is another side to my nature-- 1248 00:49:46,275 --> 00:49:48,277 uh, the aesthetic side. 1249 00:49:48,319 --> 00:49:51,364 -(piano playing) -A Clyde Beatty. Ha! 1250 00:49:51,406 --> 00:49:53,783 -And I'm going to, uh... -(chuckles) 1251 00:49:53,825 --> 00:49:55,451 Oh, did you dig that? 1252 00:49:55,493 --> 00:49:57,495 -Yeah. -Oh, I'm so happy. 1253 00:49:57,537 --> 00:50:00,957 And I'm going to write a musical, uh, with Steve Allen. 1254 00:50:00,998 --> 00:50:03,418 And it's sort of a nice kind of thing. 1255 00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:05,545 And it's about a couple, 1256 00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:08,548 and if you've been married, you know, or are now, 1257 00:50:08,589 --> 00:50:10,258 you know the scene that happens. 1258 00:50:10,299 --> 00:50:12,468 You have a million beefs with your old lady, 1259 00:50:12,510 --> 00:50:15,179 and you break up, then you go back together again. 1260 00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:18,182 But this couple in the play, they're a little eccentric, 1261 00:50:18,224 --> 00:50:20,810 and they've broken up and gone back 1262 00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:24,147 about 55 times in seven years. 1263 00:50:24,188 --> 00:50:26,816 But they keep going back for the kids' sake. 1264 00:50:26,858 --> 00:50:29,694 So, finally, they go to a marriage counselor, 1265 00:50:29,736 --> 00:50:32,196 it opens up, and they're together, 1266 00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:35,241 and they're happy without one argument. 1267 00:50:35,283 --> 00:50:37,118 But the kids are complete nuts 1268 00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:40,872 'cause they were so adjusted to that scene-- 1269 00:50:40,913 --> 00:50:43,499 you know, breaking up and going back together-- 1270 00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:45,251 that it's been too much for them. 1271 00:50:45,293 --> 00:50:48,254 So they decide, for the kids' sake, 1272 00:50:48,296 --> 00:50:50,006 to break up. 1273 00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:51,924 And in the scene, 1274 00:50:51,966 --> 00:50:53,634 Steve, like, you know, he's my friend, 1275 00:50:53,676 --> 00:50:55,386 and we're hanging out together, 1276 00:50:55,428 --> 00:50:57,388 and, uh, he's got the first line. 1277 00:50:57,430 --> 00:51:00,183 All right. Hey, Lenny, where's your old lady? 1278 00:51:00,224 --> 00:51:03,352 -Oh, we had a beef, man. We broke up. -Oh, that's too bad. 1279 00:51:03,394 --> 00:51:04,896 But don't worry, you'll get back together. 1280 00:51:04,937 --> 00:51:06,606 No, that's it, you know? 1281 00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,691 You have a million fights, and finally you decide 1282 00:51:08,733 --> 00:51:10,318 that's the one. You've had it, you know? 1283 00:51:10,359 --> 00:51:12,195 And I finally got the guts, and I got rid of her. 1284 00:51:12,236 --> 00:51:14,155 I don't believe it, man, but I finally did it. 1285 00:51:14,197 --> 00:51:16,449 -I finally got rid of her. -How'd you do that? 1286 00:51:16,491 --> 00:51:17,742 She left me. 1287 00:51:19,327 --> 00:51:20,912 But it's better off, man. 1288 00:51:20,953 --> 00:51:22,246 You're better off alone. 1289 00:51:22,288 --> 00:51:24,123 I'm really gonna swing. 1290 00:51:24,165 --> 00:51:26,709 I'm gonna fix up my own pad. 1291 00:51:26,751 --> 00:51:28,836 That's it. I can really fix up a pad. 1292 00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:32,340 I'm gonna really get some of that shiny black furniture. 1293 00:51:32,381 --> 00:51:34,300 And I'll get a bullfight poster. 1294 00:51:34,342 --> 00:51:37,345 And I'll get a coffee table, and I'll make a door out of it. 1295 00:51:37,386 --> 00:51:41,057 And I'll just really swing, and it'll just be nice. 1296 00:51:41,098 --> 00:51:43,476 And I'll get a satin smoking jacket 1297 00:51:43,518 --> 00:51:45,770 and a pearl white phone, and I'll sit back and relax, 1298 00:51:45,812 --> 00:51:47,647 and finally I'll be all alone, man. 1299 00:51:47,688 --> 00:51:50,316 That's the best way to make it. All alone. 1300 00:51:50,358 --> 00:51:53,194 All alone. 1301 00:51:53,236 --> 00:51:57,698 ♪ All alone, all alone ♪ 1302 00:51:57,740 --> 00:52:02,453 ♪ Oh, what joy to be all alone ♪ 1303 00:52:02,495 --> 00:52:06,541 ♪ I'm happy alone, don't you see? ♪ 1304 00:52:06,582 --> 00:52:09,502 ♪ I've convinced you... ♪ 1305 00:52:12,547 --> 00:52:14,340 Sorry to keep you waiting, Abe. 1306 00:52:14,382 --> 00:52:17,009 No problem. I just got here. 1307 00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:19,679 -My father says hello. -How is Robert? 1308 00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:21,931 Angry. Hostile. The same. 1309 00:52:21,973 --> 00:52:23,683 Give him my best. 1310 00:52:23,724 --> 00:52:26,435 We-we should all have a meal one of these days. 1311 00:52:26,477 --> 00:52:29,772 We could regale you with tales of two angry young men 1312 00:52:29,814 --> 00:52:31,232 who thought they knew everything. 1313 00:52:31,274 --> 00:52:33,442 -My father still does. -(laughs) 1314 00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,736 He was a great speaker. 1315 00:52:35,778 --> 00:52:38,030 And he made great signs. 1316 00:52:38,072 --> 00:52:40,616 So, what can I do for you, Abe? 1317 00:52:40,658 --> 00:52:44,704 Well, there are things happening in my life 1318 00:52:44,745 --> 00:52:48,082 that I believe I'm going to need a really good lawyer for. 1319 00:52:48,124 --> 00:52:51,127 You know the kind of law I practice, right? 1320 00:52:52,670 --> 00:52:56,549 I'm spoiling for a really good fight. 1321 00:52:56,591 --> 00:52:59,218 Well, then you've come to the right man. 1322 00:52:59,260 --> 00:53:00,928 (Abe chuckles) 1323 00:53:00,970 --> 00:53:03,848 Coffee. Speak. 1324 00:53:19,947 --> 00:53:24,452 ♪ All alone, all alone ♪ 1325 00:53:24,493 --> 00:53:28,664 ♪ Like a nearsighted dog, where's the bone? ♪ 1326 00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:31,751 ♪ Ah, but it's better to be all alone ♪ 1327 00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:33,628 ♪ No more taking out the garbage ♪ 1328 00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:35,671 ♪ Hear her yakking on the phone ♪ 1329 00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:37,173 ♪ I gave her everything ♪ 1330 00:53:37,214 --> 00:53:39,842 ♪ Even my mother's ring ♪ 1331 00:53:39,884 --> 00:53:42,803 ♪ But to me she was so petty ♪ 1332 00:53:42,845 --> 00:53:45,556 Sometimes I wish that she were dead. 1333 00:53:45,598 --> 00:53:48,517 But it'd probably take her two hours to get ready. 1334 00:53:49,977 --> 00:53:51,354 When she's old, 1335 00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:53,022 then she's gonna be sorry. 1336 00:53:53,064 --> 00:53:55,858 That's it. Like, she's young and swinging now, 1337 00:53:55,900 --> 00:53:57,693 and she can get a lot of guys, but when she's old-- 1338 00:53:57,735 --> 00:53:59,528 I can see, about 20 years from now. 1339 00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:00,905 "Oh, how you doing, Annie? 1340 00:54:00,947 --> 00:54:02,657 "Yeah, haven't seen you in a long time. 1341 00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:04,367 "You look pretty good, baby. You still washing your hair 1342 00:54:04,408 --> 00:54:06,369 "with Dutch cleanser, I see. 1343 00:54:06,410 --> 00:54:08,746 "Yeah. Yeah, you look pretty good. 1344 00:54:08,788 --> 00:54:10,831 "You gained a few pounds. What happened to your neck? 1345 00:54:10,873 --> 00:54:14,543 "Yeah. I heard you got married a few times. 1346 00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:17,421 "Uh, me? No, I, uh, I've always stayed single. 1347 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,382 "I've-I've been investing in property. 1348 00:54:19,423 --> 00:54:21,300 "I picked up a little place in Mexico. 1349 00:54:21,342 --> 00:54:24,428 "Maybe you've heard of it. It's called Acapulco. 1350 00:54:24,470 --> 00:54:25,805 "Where are you living? 1351 00:54:25,846 --> 00:54:28,683 "A furnished room? Oh, that's nice. 1352 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:30,351 "Yeah, you cook on the radiator, the paper drapes. 1353 00:54:30,393 --> 00:54:33,312 "Sit in the lobby, watch television and all that, yeah. 1354 00:54:33,354 --> 00:54:34,897 "That's cool, yeah. 1355 00:54:34,939 --> 00:54:36,649 "You have the Diners Club, you sign for it. 1356 00:54:36,691 --> 00:54:38,776 You go first class in those joints, I know that, yeah." 1357 00:54:38,818 --> 00:54:40,653 That's it. 1358 00:54:40,695 --> 00:54:43,739 Her future spells a murky gloom. 1359 00:54:43,781 --> 00:54:45,324 I'll be rich and famous, 1360 00:54:45,366 --> 00:54:47,076 and she'll be living in a furnished room. 1361 00:54:47,118 --> 00:54:49,203 But it's gonna be too late. 1362 00:54:49,245 --> 00:54:51,414 I won't hear her moan. 1363 00:54:51,455 --> 00:54:55,251 I'll be living in my Nob Hill mansion, rich... 1364 00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:58,170 and all alone. 1365 00:54:58,212 --> 00:54:59,380 ♪ All alone ♪ 1366 00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:03,801 ♪ All alone ♪ 1367 00:55:03,843 --> 00:55:06,178 ♪ I'll be rich ♪ 1368 00:55:06,220 --> 00:55:08,055 ♪ But so ♪ 1369 00:55:08,097 --> 00:55:10,599 ♪ All ♪ 1370 00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:13,769 ♪ Alone. ♪ 1371 00:55:13,811 --> 00:55:15,813 (applause) 1372 00:55:27,950 --> 00:55:30,453 Midge? 1373 00:55:30,494 --> 00:55:34,081 I'm gonna open for Shy Baldwin. 1374 00:55:34,123 --> 00:55:36,917 What? 1375 00:55:36,959 --> 00:55:38,586 Midge, that's... 1376 00:55:38,627 --> 00:55:40,921 He wants me to go on tour with him. 1377 00:55:40,963 --> 00:55:43,132 He says I'll be gone six months. 1378 00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:46,677 And I said yes. 1379 00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:48,179 Just like that. 1380 00:55:48,220 --> 00:55:49,722 Didn't even think about it. 1381 00:55:49,764 --> 00:55:53,059 Didn't think about anything or anyone. 1382 00:55:53,100 --> 00:55:55,644 Just yes. 1383 00:55:55,686 --> 00:55:58,439 And I understand now. 1384 00:55:58,481 --> 00:56:01,984 Everything's different. 1385 00:56:02,026 --> 00:56:04,653 I can't go back to Jell-O molds. 1386 00:56:04,695 --> 00:56:08,866 There won't be three before 30 for me. 1387 00:56:08,908 --> 00:56:11,660 I just made a choice. 1388 00:56:11,702 --> 00:56:16,165 -Midge... -I am gonna be all alone 1389 00:56:16,207 --> 00:56:19,877 for the rest of my life. 1390 00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:22,421 That's what I just decided in a five-minute phone call. 1391 00:56:22,463 --> 00:56:25,299 Amazing, isn't it? 1392 00:56:25,341 --> 00:56:27,301 You don't know that. You don't... 1393 00:56:27,343 --> 00:56:28,928 I'm gonna leave really soon. 1394 00:56:28,969 --> 00:56:30,513 Barely enough time to get packed. 1395 00:56:30,554 --> 00:56:32,181 Especially the way that I travel. 1396 00:56:34,809 --> 00:56:38,104 And I don't want to be alone. 1397 00:56:38,145 --> 00:56:40,481 Not tonight. 1398 00:56:40,523 --> 00:56:44,360 Tonight-- just for tonight-- 1399 00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:47,530 I really need to be with someone who loves me. 1400 00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:55,162 ("This Will Be Our Year" by The Zombies playing) 1401 00:57:03,629 --> 00:57:07,216 ♪ The warmth of your love's like the warmth from the sun ♪ 1402 00:57:07,258 --> 00:57:10,344 ♪ And this will be our year ♪ 1403 00:57:10,386 --> 00:57:13,264 ♪ Took a long time to come ♪ 1404 00:57:13,305 --> 00:57:18,018 ♪ Don't let go of my hand now darkness has gone ♪ 1405 00:57:18,060 --> 00:57:20,229 ♪ This will be our year ♪ 1406 00:57:20,271 --> 00:57:22,648 ♪ Took a long time to come ♪ 1407 00:57:22,690 --> 00:57:24,441 ♪ And I won't forget the way ♪ 1408 00:57:24,483 --> 00:57:27,444 ♪ You helped me up when I was down ♪ 1409 00:57:27,486 --> 00:57:29,780 ♪ And I won't forget the way you said ♪ 1410 00:57:29,822 --> 00:57:31,407 ♪ Darling, I love you ♪ 1411 00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,576 ♪ You gave me faith to go on ♪ 1412 00:57:33,617 --> 00:57:37,371 ♪ Now we're there and we've only just begun ♪ 1413 00:57:37,413 --> 00:57:39,582 ♪ This will be our year ♪ 1414 00:57:39,623 --> 00:57:41,959 ♪ Took a long time to come ♪ 1415 00:57:52,303 --> 00:57:54,388 ♪ The warmth of your smile ♪ 1416 00:57:54,430 --> 00:57:56,557 ♪ Smile for me, little one ♪ 1417 00:57:56,599 --> 00:57:59,435 ♪ And this will be our year ♪ 1418 00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:02,396 ♪ Took a long time to come ♪ 1419 00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:06,775 ♪ You don't have to worry, all your worried days are gone ♪ 1420 00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:09,153 ♪ And this will be our year ♪ 1421 00:58:09,195 --> 00:58:11,739 ♪ Took a long time to come ♪ 1422 00:58:11,780 --> 00:58:13,490 ♪ And I won't forget the way ♪ 1423 00:58:13,532 --> 00:58:16,535 ♪ You helped me up when I was down ♪ 1424 00:58:16,577 --> 00:58:19,038 ♪ And I won't forget the way you said ♪ 1425 00:58:19,079 --> 00:58:20,664 ♪ Darling, I love you ♪ 1426 00:58:20,706 --> 00:58:22,875 ♪ You gave me faith to go on ♪ 1427 00:58:22,917 --> 00:58:26,629 ♪ Now we're there, and we've only just begun ♪ 1428 00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:29,006 ♪ This will be our year ♪ 1429 00:58:29,048 --> 00:58:31,675 ♪ Took a long time to come ♪ 1430 00:58:36,889 --> 00:58:39,516 ♪ And this will be our year ♪ 1431 00:58:39,558 --> 00:58:41,977 ♪ Took a long time ♪ 1432 00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:45,898 ♪ To come ♪ 1433 00:58:45,940 --> 00:58:48,442 ♪ My, my, my. ♪