1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,551 ("Old Mother Hubbard" by Ella Fitzgerald playing) 2 00:00:10,553 --> 00:00:13,055 -That's sold. -It is? We just got here. 3 00:00:13,097 --> 00:00:14,724 Most of the pieces here are already sold. 4 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,142 Isn't this the opening? 5 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:18,227 They invite serious collectors to come to the pre-opening. 6 00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:20,229 -I bought those three last week. -How much? 7 00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,439 -For this one? -Yeah. 8 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,732 -$1,200. -You're kidding. 9 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,400 I got to get Ethan a paint set. 10 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,861 Oh, Parsons. Ha! It's Parsons. That's Parsons. 11 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,947 I have to go talk to him. 12 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,991 -I'm coming back. -Oh. 13 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,743 ♪ And he barked, whoo, whoo ♪ 14 00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,536 ♪ Looked Hubbard straight in the eye... ♪ 15 00:00:35,578 --> 00:00:37,079 What do you feel? 16 00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:38,706 Hungry. I thought there'd be snacks. 17 00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:41,584 -You just seemed very immersed. -In what? 18 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,461 Oh. This, yes. Very. 19 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:45,504 He paints completely naked. 20 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,717 Well, oil-based paint is really hard to get out of most fabrics. 21 00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:51,927 Seriously, how do you respond to, "He paints naked"? 22 00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:53,971 I'm just asking. 23 00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:55,723 -How was Parsons? -Very angry. 24 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,641 I bought those paintings right out from under him. 25 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,393 -And this makes you happy? -Extremely. 26 00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:01,103 He stole a Rauschenberg from me last month. 27 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:03,189 Bastard waited till I was ordering a drink. 28 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,024 Bam. Flew in, cash on the table. 29 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,026 Plus, the bartender got my drink wrong. 30 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,862 So how are you? Good? Yes? Having fun? It's fun, right? 31 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,448 Little question: Have you been popping mama's diet pills? 32 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:14,950 I get a little excited when it comes to art and revenge. 33 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:17,119 -Sure. -This is a particularly great show. 34 00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:18,996 Solomon Crespi has been around for a few years, 35 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,664 but this show, this could be his breakthrough. 36 00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,958 And I got three of his paintings and Parsons got none. 37 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,835 -Ah! David Mellman. David! -Do you hate him, too? 38 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:25,961 Should we take him out? 39 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,880 You buy his art while I go fuck up his drink? 40 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,174 -Where the hell have you been all my life? -Riverside Drive and 113th. 41 00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:32,676 -I just needed to take a walk in the park. -Live and learn. 42 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,553 You are a great date to bring to something 43 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,430 you know nothing about and have no interest in. 44 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:38,307 Wait till you see me at a boxing match. 45 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:39,558 I'm gonna get you another drink. 46 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,726 You're going to gloat. 47 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,394 But I'm going to gloat by the bar, 48 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,647 -so two birds, one stone. -Martini, two olives. 49 00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,066 -Cold, it's cold. -It's the coldness I crave. 50 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,734 The coldness is brilliant. 51 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,654 It's the coldness that gets you hung in the Whitney. 52 00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,406 ♪ Mother Hubbard, bring me some meat ♪ 53 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:58,160 ♪ Pork chops, chicken, fish bone ♪ 54 00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:01,288 ♪ Anything you see ♪ 55 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:04,583 ♪ Somewhere, somewhere in this wide, wide world ♪ 56 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,503 ♪ There must be a bone for me ♪ 57 00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:11,340 ♪ Doggone, said the little dog ♪ 58 00:02:11,382 --> 00:02:13,759 ♪ That ain't the way to do ♪ 59 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,386 ♪ If you were hungry... ♪ 60 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,888 -Excuse me. Is this sold? -No. 61 00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,307 Don't you want to see which one I'm pointing to? 62 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,142 It's not sold. None of them are sold. 63 00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,564 -How much? -25 bucks. 64 00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:33,571 Do I just... take it off the wall? 65 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,072 It can't follow you home. 66 00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,825 ♪ Said the little dog ♪ 67 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:41,537 ♪ That ain't the way to do... ♪ 68 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:45,291 -Hey. Look what I got. -Where'd you find that? 69 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,126 There's this sad little room back there. 70 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,211 Oh, yeah, that's where they put the very minor artists, 71 00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:50,629 or the mops. 72 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,257 Well, I didn't see a mop, just paintings, like this. 73 00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:57,344 -Oh, hey, it came with a hat. -All the great ones do. 74 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,597 I like it. My first art acquisition. 75 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,265 I hope you haggled the price down. 76 00:03:01,307 --> 00:03:03,100 -Nope, paid full price. -Which was? 77 00:03:03,142 --> 00:03:04,768 -25 bucks. -You overpaid. 78 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,313 -But... hat. -Right. 79 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,690 Okay. I'm done here. 80 00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:12,484 I've circled, I've gloated. Where do you want to go? 81 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,903 It's your night. 82 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:15,571 There's a little gathering at the Cedar Tavern. 83 00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:16,989 It's a place artists hang out. 84 00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:19,116 I've never been, but I've heard you should never go in 85 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,492 wearing light-colored clothing. 86 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,786 Ooh, a dirty bar, my favorite kind. 87 00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,372 Let's go. 88 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,042 Nice ladder. 89 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:31,170 ♪ Mother Huzzard, bring me that muzzard. ♪ 90 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,881 ♪ ♪ 91 00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:35,507 This is the midnight blue velvet; 92 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,843 this is the ocean blue velveteen. 93 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,012 Clear? Yes? Good. Cut. 94 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,889 I got a case of champagne here for Maisel. 95 00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:43,182 I got it. 96 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,850 Manny, what was the deal with the cigarettes? 97 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,144 -One for you, one for me. -And how many is that? 98 00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:48,354 Five. 99 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,397 So you see where the dealmaking process went awry here? 100 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,857 -All right, all right. -Put it out. 101 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,609 -As soon as I'm done. -Now. 102 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:56,695 -Two more puffs? -Master negotiator. 103 00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:00,199 Mrs. Moskowitz, I want a glass in everybody's hands. 104 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,326 Put out the fucking cigarette, Manny. 105 00:04:02,368 --> 00:04:03,953 I got more booze. 106 00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:06,246 Exactly what we need in a room full of giant scissors 107 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:07,665 and sharp electric implements. 108 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,291 Joel, are we still on for tonight? 109 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,586 -Absolutely, 10:00. -Swell. Got to go find my pants. 110 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,880 -Does she, though? -Hand out those glasses. 111 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,800 Everyone, stop working. Turn off your machines and gather round. 112 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,635 MOSKOWITZ: Mr. Maisel, one question. 113 00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,595 -Is this an official meeting? -Is what an official meeting? 114 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,806 The 10:00 rendezvous with the young lady without the pants. 115 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,432 -No. -Because if it's official, 116 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,267 I should put it on your official itinerary. 117 00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:29,061 The champagne, Mrs. Moskowitz. 118 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,562 Come on, everyone. 119 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,273 I promise this won't affect your hours. 120 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,653 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 121 00:04:37,695 --> 00:04:39,738 -I have an announcement to make. -(shushing) 122 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,449 At 4:00 this afternoon, I went down to the bank, 123 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,869 and after some negotiating, some pleading, 124 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:47,621 some bloodletting, this building, 125 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:50,082 the building that houses the Maisel and Roth Garment Company, 126 00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:51,667 -is officially ours. -(excited murmuring) 127 00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:54,712 We bought it, we own it, it will absolutely kill us, 128 00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,338 the interest is criminal, 129 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:58,465 I anticipate dropping dead right on this spot, 130 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,426 but I own this spot, I get to. 131 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,219 (laughter) 132 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,763 Such a strange mixture of happiness and horror. 133 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,557 Oh, you're clearly not Jewish, dear. 134 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,892 I'd also like to toast my friend Archie, 135 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,103 who's expecting baby number three any day now. 136 00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,147 -It's gonna be so loud. -(laughter) 137 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,733 And to Mrs. Moskowitz, who left Tri-Borough Plastics 138 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,151 to join me here full-time. 139 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,528 You are saving my life, Mrs. Moskowitz. 140 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:22,656 Yeah. Say a few words, Mrs. Moskowitz. 141 00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:26,243 Thank you. Could everyone please use a coaster for your drinks? 142 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:28,120 Hell of a speech, Mrs. Moskowitz. 143 00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:30,456 -(laughter, clapping) -Enjoy the food and the drinks, 144 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,292 because you people are the Roth to my Maisel, 145 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,335 and I thank you very much. 146 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,175 ♪ ♪ 147 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,302 Congratulations, Joel. 148 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,220 -Thank you... -(mouthing) 149 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,306 -Velma. -Are we still on for tonight? 150 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,432 -Yes. -No. 151 00:05:48,474 --> 00:05:50,350 No, not tonight. Sunday could work. 152 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,770 -Yom Kippur. -Sunday's not good. Tuesday? 153 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,521 -Tuesday is good. -Tuesday is good. 154 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,857 Okay. (chuckles) Thanks. 155 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,068 You got quite a harem going there. 156 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,779 -Looking for a new wife? -No. No wives. 157 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,531 I had a wife. I've done wives. I'm just dating. 158 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,408 You have to leave the apartment to date. 159 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:08,327 He doesn't leave the apartment or buy them dinner. 160 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,329 Hey, what's with the teaming up on the guy 161 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,622 who sprung for the champagne? 162 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:12,915 We're just concerned about you. 163 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,666 Don't want you to get a bad reputation. 164 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,336 -Couple of girls. -Joel, can we do Thursday instead of Wednesday? 165 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,213 I'm gonna have to take my mother to church. 166 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,173 Thursday's fine. 167 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:24,218 What? It is. 168 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:26,428 We don't expect you to be alone. 169 00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,847 We'd just like you to not pick up a venereal disease. 170 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,265 I appreciate that. 171 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,101 What are you doing for Yom Kippur? 172 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,645 You're welcome to break fast with me and my sister in Queens. 173 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,688 She makes a brisket with Coca-Cola. 174 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:40,192 Sounds terrific, Mrs. Moskowitz, but I'm going to the Weissmans. 175 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:43,153 Very civilized. Dinner with the ex. 176 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,489 Ethan asked me to come, so I'm coming. 177 00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:48,283 You know, it was exactly one year ago 178 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,452 I blew up my entire life. 179 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:55,374 Yom Kippur, atone for your sins. 180 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,918 I'm the fucking poster boy. 181 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:04,883 Well, if you're gonna do the crime, you got to do the time. 182 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,971 I'm gonna make the rounds. Drink up. It's a celebration. 183 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:14,143 -(music playing, lively chatter) -This place is a zoo. 184 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:16,353 You go to a surgeon's bar, it's nothing like this. 185 00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:18,772 -Hmm. -Wow, wow, w-wow. 186 00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,441 -Add a word, any word. -That's Franz Kline. 187 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,068 -It is? -Do you know him? 188 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,028 -No. -Oh, I do. I own him. 189 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:26,405 How colonial of you. 190 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,782 No, I mean a painting. It's hanging in my living room. 191 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:31,785 It's tiny, but it's Franz Kline. Wow. 192 00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:33,829 Robert Motherwell. Holy-- That's Robert Motherwell. 193 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,539 -Robert Motherwell! -You know him? 194 00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:38,125 -Didn't we just do this? -Right. I'm sorry. 195 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,543 I just-- He's in my hall. 196 00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,336 Yikes. Franz Kline got the living room. 197 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,463 It's a great hall. There's a bench. 198 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,465 -John Lambert. -Thank God you're Jewish. 199 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,718 Christmas morning would kill you. 200 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,761 Ooh, my turn. 201 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:53,056 -Jane Jacobs, remember me? -No. 202 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,766 Washington Square Park. You were protesting. 203 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:58,729 I got up and, "Women will fix it and accessorize it!" 204 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,023 Upper West Side. How you doing, West Side? 205 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,567 I'm good. I'm on a date with a doctor. 206 00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:05,444 You should come rally the troops with me again. 207 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:09,031 I'll be there. 208 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,908 That girl's nuts. 209 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,576 I'm so glad we came here tonight. 210 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:14,328 So you could stare at Franz Kline? 211 00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,205 Yes, and you. 212 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,707 -But mostly Franz Kline. -Come here. 213 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,834 DECLAN (slurring): Fuck Burroughs! 214 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,502 Fuck all writers! 215 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:25,631 I'm-I'm-I'm done with writers. 216 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,050 Oh, you're kidding. That is Declan Howell. 217 00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:30,219 -Declan Howell? -I'm not falling for that again. 218 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,096 ...Shore and Proust and Shakespeare. 219 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:37,351 God! William Shakespeare with his, with his "thees" 220 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:41,063 and "thous" and fairies and Puck. Fuck Puck! 221 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,398 Declan Howell is the most famous unknown artist in the world. 222 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,400 He's considered one of the greats by his peers, 223 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,818 but he can't sell his art. 224 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,528 Well, won't sell his art, actually. 225 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,822 -Why? -He's crazy. Just won't do it. 226 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,908 And if someone ever does talk him into a sale, 227 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:54,952 he always finds a way to get out of it. 228 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,037 Early in his career, he made a very big sale. 229 00:08:57,079 --> 00:08:59,581 Peggy Guggenheim. The day she came to pick it up, 230 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:02,000 he sets it on fire right in front of her, 231 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,336 and then puts the fire out by... 232 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,255 Well, let's just say he did not use a fire extinguisher. 233 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,382 That's not true. 234 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:09,883 DECLAN: The last thing I read 235 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:14,554 that made any sense to me at all: Peanuts. 236 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,181 There's a story, urban myth maybe, 237 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,516 about a painting he painted. 238 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,976 It was supposed to be a masterpiece, 239 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,270 a thing of such beauty that, when Jackson Pollock saw it, 240 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,563 he said he wasn't sure if he would ever paint again. 241 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,232 Nothing he could do could come close. 242 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,193 -Really? Have you seen it? -No one's seen it but Pollock. 243 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,070 A lot of people think it doesn't exist. 244 00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:31,321 Wow, Declan Howell. 245 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,448 That's like spotting a unicorn at the automat. 246 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:34,658 DECLAN: Bollocks. 247 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,910 Can I have another drink? 248 00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:39,079 Hello? 249 00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:42,666 -Are you ignoring me? -Yes, I am ignoring you. 250 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,543 Well, that doesn't seem very nice. 251 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,169 You told me to cut you off after six. 252 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,672 -Six what? -Six drinks. 253 00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,590 Oh, well, that doesn't sound like me. 254 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,800 Uh, give us another. 255 00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:53,593 Declan, you're drunk. 256 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:57,139 Listen to me, you dime-store Fagin. 257 00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,392 I know when I'm drunk and when I'm not drunk, 258 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,477 and I'm not drunk. 259 00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:06,315 Where are you going? Where's he going? 260 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:07,858 WOMAN: Everybody, shh. 261 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,027 -Where are you going? -You're doing it again. 262 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,821 Oh, dear, elevation's never been his friend. 263 00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:16,575 -I will now prove -(music stops, people shushing) 264 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,328 to everyone in attendance 265 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:24,207 my complete lack of inebriation. 266 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,417 (laughter) 267 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:28,420 You all love the Bard so much. 268 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:32,632 Therefore, I shall recite for you a sonnet. 269 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,134 (excited chatter, whistling) 270 00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:36,887 "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 271 00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:40,349 -(cheering) -"Thou art more lovely 272 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,601 "and more temperate. 273 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:47,105 "Rough winds do shake, um, the darling buds of May. 274 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,982 And summer's lease..." 275 00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:53,320 -"Let me not to the marriage of true minds -(laughter) 276 00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:55,155 "admit impediments. 277 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:58,700 Love is not love..." 278 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,369 That's not the right words, is it? 279 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:01,411 -Shut up. -(laughter) 280 00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:05,040 "Which alters when it alteration finds, 281 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:08,001 or bends with..." 282 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,587 -"She walks in beauty, like the night." -(laughter) 283 00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:12,881 -That's Byron. -Same fucking thing. 284 00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,633 -(laughter) -"Of cloudless climes 285 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,469 and starless... fucking skies." 286 00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:20,013 William Blake, Auguries of Innocence. 287 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:23,433 "To see a world in a grain of sand 288 00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:27,062 "and a Heaven in a wild flower 289 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,273 "to hold infinity in the palm of your..." 290 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,192 -(claps) -Harlot's House! -(cheering) 291 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,653 -Finish one, for fuck's sake. -"'Twas brillig, 292 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,989 -and the slithy toves..." -(laughter) 293 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,826 "...did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 294 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:41,993 -"All... -MAN: Mimsy! 295 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,287 "...mimsy were the borogoves, 296 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:47,416 -"And it was a spring day!" -(cheering, laughter) 297 00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:49,793 "It was a day for a lay 298 00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:53,672 and the air smelled like a locker room..." 299 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,133 "Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock. 300 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:58,135 -The clock struck 1:00, and down he run." -(rhythmic clapping) 301 00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,886 -"There was a young man from Bonaire, -CROWD (in unison): Hey! 302 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:02,472 -"who was screwing his wife on the stair, -Hey! 303 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,307 "and the banister broke, he doubled his stroke, 304 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,143 -and finished her off in mid-air." -(cheering) 305 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:09,896 Now give me a drink, you son of a bitch. 306 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,152 We got to meet this guy. 307 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:16,820 Are you kidding? You don't go near that 308 00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,488 without a net and a tranquilizer gun. 309 00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:21,241 It'll be fine. We tell him we want to buy some art. 310 00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,743 To show him we're serious. 311 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,413 Oh, well, I didn't know you were going to bring the painting. 312 00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,873 That's a completely different story. 313 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,418 Excuse me, Mr. Howell. 314 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,713 I'm Miriam Maisel, and this is Benjamin Ettenberg. 315 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,882 He's a very big admirer of your work. 316 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,009 -Extraordinary. -What? 317 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:42,137 Your face, the color, it's like... 318 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,306 cream, or is it milk? 319 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,267 It's some kind of... magical dairy product. 320 00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:48,560 I don't know. 321 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,104 I've been trying to find a color like that for years. 322 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:54,816 It's like Vermeer painted you or you swallowed a light bulb. 323 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:57,819 It's the latter. Did I mention that this is Benjamin Ettenberg? 324 00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,906 And he's extremely interested in buying one of your paintings. 325 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,200 It's all he talks about. He's desperate. 326 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,327 And he's a doctor, so he's got cash. 327 00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:07,913 We really need to discuss the art of haggling someday. 328 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,123 -What's that? -What? 329 00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,042 That, in your arms. 330 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:15,128 Oh, Benjamin took me to the Solomon Crespi show tonight, 331 00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,379 and I bought this. 332 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,632 You bought that at the Crespi show? 333 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:22,469 Yes. Well, no, not at the show. In the backroom of the show. 334 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:25,889 It's not his. It's, uh, Agnes Reynolds'. 335 00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:27,724 It's Agnes Reynolds'. 336 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,351 It came with a hat. 337 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:32,437 -All right. -All right, what? 338 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,023 You want to buy something? 339 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,067 Come to my studio tomorrow. 340 00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:42,239 Long as you bring her. 341 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,241 MIDGE: We did it. 342 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,243 We got you in. You're gonna buy a Declan-- 343 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:47,953 -What's his name? -Howell. 344 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:51,498 A Declan Howell. So exciting. 345 00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:53,500 Hey, we both bought a painting today. 346 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,502 -I'm not going. -What are you talking about? 347 00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:57,921 He's clearly only interested in you. 348 00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,298 He thinks I eat light bulbs and drink fairy milk. 349 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,926 If I don't take you, he's not going to let me in, 350 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:05,345 and I am not putting you in that kind of situation. 351 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,763 Oh, come on. 352 00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,557 I know how to handle guys like that. 353 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,392 I work comedy clubs, remember? 354 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,561 Declan Powell would be the best-behaved audience member 355 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,229 -at a comedy club. -Howell. 356 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,855 Him, too. 357 00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:18,650 Trust me, I know how to handle drunk, handsy guys. 358 00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,902 There's no part of this body that hasn't been groped 359 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,113 or poked or pinched or patted. 360 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,031 -Lovely. -Ooh, yeah. 361 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,617 Last week, this club owner kept dropping his pen. 362 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,619 He'd crawl around on the ground looking for it. 363 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:32,622 Somehow, every time, he found it right underneath my skirt. 364 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,959 -That is a fantastic story. -You learn how to deal with it. 365 00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:38,044 Keep your thighs locked, keep your arms crossed. 366 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,546 A well-timed "What's that?" 367 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,339 never fails to defuse an incoming pass. 368 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,924 Chewing is a big lifesaver. 369 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,259 Plus, the real saver 370 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,720 that all those pervs don't know about: girdles. 371 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,722 In a girdle, you can't feel a damn thing. 372 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,849 These guys might as well be groping a parking meter. 373 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,810 So even if one does get through, how the hell would I know... 374 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,520 Okay. I feel much better now. 375 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,023 Great. So, tomorrow, we go get your painting. 376 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,734 Trust me, I take very good care of myself. 377 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,986 I know. But I'd like to volunteer 378 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:06,406 to share those duties with you, if you don't mind. 379 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:09,117 You take the night shift? 380 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,161 Deal. 381 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,759 -This is me. -Oh. 382 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,302 So you do have a home. 383 00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,512 -BENJAMIN: I do have a home. -It's tall. 384 00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:33,099 -BENJAMIN: I'm tall. -So you kept it proportional. 385 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,062 You okay? 386 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:40,398 Yes. I am. I just... 387 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,817 -This is... -I know. 388 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,819 I was married. 389 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:47,781 I'm still married, on paper. 390 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:51,159 You have very nice windows. 391 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,456 Do you think you two might...? 392 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,999 No. 393 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,585 I just haven't... 394 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,129 with anyone other than... 395 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:05,131 So there's that. 396 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,842 I just want you to know that I'm actually very good at it. 397 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:10,762 I can do it like gangbusters-- anywhere, anytime, vertically. 398 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:13,181 You do not need to worry. I'm like a pro. 399 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:16,810 But, you know, not a moneymaking pro, just a real gamer. 400 00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:18,436 In case you were concerned. 401 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,480 That is a great relief, thank you. 402 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,901 -You don't have to come up. -I know. 403 00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:27,445 -And if you do come up, we don't have to... -I know. 404 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,448 We can just have a drink; I could show you some paintings. 405 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:34,494 I already had a drink, and I already saw some paintings. 406 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:41,418 I've never seen a hallway with a bench in it before, though. 407 00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:44,421 It is pretty spectacular. 408 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,589 Though "spectacular" takes on a much different meaning 409 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,633 once a person's met you. 410 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,732 You are spectacular. 411 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,236 I know. 412 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,038 JOEL: It was a great party, wasn't it? 413 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,915 Did you see all those people? 414 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,084 -I did. -Who were they? 415 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:26,504 -I think they work for you. -For me? Doing what? 416 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,798 I was going to head home. 417 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,010 I have to take my sister to the podiatrist in the morning. 418 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:35,305 -Mrs. Moskowitz, have a drink. -I hate leaving him like this. 419 00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:37,182 Today, I bought a building. 420 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,434 A whole goddamn building. 421 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,936 Went to a bank, signed the thing. 422 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,481 That story gets better every time you tell it. 423 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,816 -Is everybody gone? -Everybody but them. 424 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,902 Go on, Mrs. Moskowitz. 425 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,862 -I'll deal with them. -Are you sure? 426 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,906 There's a lot of sharp angles there. 427 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:56,451 -I'll be fine. -You're a good friend. 428 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:59,412 Put a trash can by the bed. 429 00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:01,956 (bottles clink) 430 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,958 If you're going to be that available, 431 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,753 you should consider putting a doorbell on your blouse. 432 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,379 What's she getting at? 433 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,340 -VELMA: Beats me. -It's getting late, ladies. 434 00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:13,009 -ARCHIE: Who belongs to this? -VELMA: Me. 435 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,595 Great. Here you go. For your cab. 436 00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:17,972 Next. 437 00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:19,682 Jersey. 438 00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:21,518 JOEL: Why is it so quiet here? 439 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:22,936 We need some music. 440 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,396 Mrs. Moskowitz, turn on the radio. 441 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,816 -Mrs. Moskowitz? -She went home, Joel. 442 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,776 Home? She's got a home? 443 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,528 -Of course she does. -Really? 444 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,780 But she's always here. Whoa! 445 00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:37,200 Okay. Time to put you down. 446 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:38,743 Nope! Not time. 447 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,745 -I want to dance. -(both chuckle) 448 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,580 -Hi. -Hi. 449 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,915 -She looks nice. -Mm-hmm. 450 00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,333 Think she's Jewish? 451 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:48,086 (grunts) I do not think she's Jewish. 452 00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,548 Hey. My foot feels different. 453 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:55,677 -I took off your shoe. -You did? Neat. 454 00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,679 (grunts) Why don't you call it a day, huh? 455 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,430 What does that mean, "call it a day"? 456 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,641 What else would you call a day? 457 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:05,103 Why do they keep coming up with things to confuse us? 458 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,479 Beats the hell out of me. Okay. 459 00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,273 -So, for the, uh... -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 460 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,316 -I want to do a toast. -ARCHIE: Joel. 461 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,776 One more toast. 462 00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:17,115 To Archie Cleary. 463 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,534 To your baby. 464 00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:22,287 Baby number three. Congratulations. 465 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,122 Thank you. 466 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,916 You did it. 467 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,752 You got the American Dream. 468 00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,714 Wife, family-- you got it all. 469 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:35,216 And you knew how to keep it. 470 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:36,676 That's the secret. 471 00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,887 Any schmuck can get it. You knew how to keep it. 472 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:42,015 Family's very important. 473 00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:44,475 You have to hold on to a family. 474 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,523 One year. One year. 475 00:19:50,565 --> 00:19:52,525 (sighs) 476 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,862 Mistake. Big fucking mistake. 477 00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:59,324 -Just go to sleep. -It's my anniversary. 478 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,743 One year since I... 479 00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:05,872 (exhales) 480 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:09,250 I just want to be forgiven. 481 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:12,086 Can't I be forgiven? 482 00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:14,714 I want to be forgiven. 483 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,637 Mascara, blink, blot, spritz, done. 484 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,430 -Time. -Whoa. -Five minutes, 35 seconds. 485 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:23,973 That's ten seconds off my record. 486 00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,642 Let me see. Still perfect, though. 487 00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,852 GINGER: Midge, Midge, come, you have to come. 488 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,604 -Where? -There's a call for you at the switchboard. 489 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,189 I tried to tell them you didn't work there anymore, 490 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,732 but he wouldn't listen; he is just crazy 491 00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:34,400 to talk to you, right now, bitch. 492 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,152 Sorry. That's what he kept saying over and over. 493 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,403 "Right now, bitch." Sorry. 494 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,238 -And then he got angry. -Oh, boy. 495 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,074 He wasn't even talking to me, he was talking to Loula. 496 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:43,534 I heard him through her headset. I swear to God, I've never-- 497 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,161 Oh, my God, this is the makeup counter. 498 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,621 -I'm actually here. -(elevator bell dings) 499 00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,498 Smells so good. Look at the light. 500 00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,583 -Come on, Ginger. -And the windows. You have flowers. 501 00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:52,752 -No one ever talked about the flowers. -(bell chiming over P.A.) 502 00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:54,545 Do you hear that? Is that singing? 503 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,756 -It sounds like angels singing. -(woman speaking over P.A.) 504 00:20:56,798 --> 00:20:58,800 (busy chatter) 505 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,721 LOULA: Why would you say that? I did too finish high school. 506 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,515 -Loula, let me take it. -Hold on. 507 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,100 Midge, if you are dating this guy, 508 00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:08,685 you have got to break it off. 509 00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:11,479 -He's a monster. -Believe me, I know. 510 00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:13,189 Hello? 511 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,607 Tell the genius who answered the phone 512 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,818 she could've just hung up on me if she wasn't so stupid. 513 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:17,902 Is there a reason you are 514 00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:19,445 psychologically scarring my coworkers? 515 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,572 Phil Massarino, East Coast booker we talked about? 516 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,866 -He wants to see you. -Great. When? 517 00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:25,910 Gaslight, October 12th. Block that night out. 518 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,954 -He likes you, we are off and running. -I can't. 519 00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:29,455 -You can. -It's Yom Kippur. 520 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,249 -Who gives a shit? -Susie. Yom Kippur. 521 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:34,669 High holidays. Break-fast. Temple. Family. Guilt. 522 00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:35,795 There are gentile bookers 523 00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,588 who are gonna want to see you on Yom Kippur. 524 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,507 -There are? -Well, there's one, and he does. 525 00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:41,175 -Any other night. -God understands show business. 526 00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:42,969 -He invented it. -Susie... 527 00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:44,637 October fucking 12th. 528 00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,141 -Okay. Put me on late. -10:30. 529 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,142 -Fine. -Unless he says 8:00. 530 00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:51,352 -10:30. -Happy New Year. 531 00:21:51,394 --> 00:21:52,937 (smacks lips) 532 00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:55,940 That one, that one, that one-- hold it. 533 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,901 -Not that one. That one. -Lady, they're livers. 534 00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,987 You're gonna grind them up, for Christ's sake. 535 00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:03,322 -It just... it all ta... -(door bell jingles) 536 00:22:03,364 --> 00:22:05,450 -Sorry. -Where was I? 537 00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:07,744 Sorry I'm late. Where are we? Livers? 538 00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:09,912 Livers. Mm, that's enough of the livers. 539 00:22:09,954 --> 00:22:11,330 I need a leg of lamb. 540 00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:13,291 -Eight pounds. -Lamb? 541 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,543 I'm making brisket, and Moishe doesn't like lamb, remember? 542 00:22:15,585 --> 00:22:17,503 -We should get a chicken. -The lamb isn't for Moishe. 543 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:19,505 -It's not. -I had a little run-in-- 544 00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:21,632 totally by accident-- with Rabbi Krinsky. 545 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,593 -No. -He happened to be at the dry cleaners 546 00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:25,511 exactly when I just happened to be at the dry cleaners... 547 00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:26,804 -No. -...and we got to chatting, 548 00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,765 and after a little sweet talk, a little flattery-- 549 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:30,558 -I mean, he's lost so much weight. -Really? 550 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,310 No. Anyhow, one thing led to another, 551 00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,437 and I mentioned the whole family was gathering for break-fast 552 00:22:34,479 --> 00:22:36,981 and how we'd love to make it up to him for last year, so... 553 00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,649 -We got the rabbi? -We got the rabbi. 554 00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:40,902 -We got the rabbi. -Now, it's just a quick stop-by, 555 00:22:40,943 --> 00:22:42,320 but you and I both know 556 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,155 the rabbi cannot resist a good leg of lamb. 557 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:46,324 So, if the leg is good, a stop-by becomes dinner. 558 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:47,909 If a stop-by becomes dinner, 559 00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,869 then the disaster of last year never happened. 560 00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:51,579 -Kind of happened. -Never happened. 561 00:22:51,621 --> 00:22:53,498 -Mostly happened. -It's very loud in here. 562 00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:55,291 Lutzi, get us a good leg. 563 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:56,501 -A great leg. -MIDGE: The best leg. 564 00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,086 Delivery tomorrow after 2:00? 565 00:22:58,127 --> 00:22:59,504 You got it, Mrs. Weissman. 566 00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:01,506 So, shall we go order the wine? 567 00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:03,382 -Let's go order the wine. -Yes. 568 00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:07,178 BOTH: We got the rabbi! 569 00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:10,848 Oh, we said that so loud. 570 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:13,726 TESSIE: Onion dip. 571 00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:15,394 -Potato chips. -Over here. -Okay, can we start? 572 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:16,896 I can find some plates. 573 00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:18,439 -Tess. -Just some little plates. 574 00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:20,483 -Pass the chips. -I'm not done with them yet. 575 00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:22,527 -Just pass them down. -This isn't your house, Skint. 576 00:23:22,568 --> 00:23:24,070 -It's not yours, either. -It's my mother's. 577 00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,655 It's Tessie's mother, too. 578 00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:27,323 And Tessie's the one over here all the time 579 00:23:27,365 --> 00:23:29,617 making sure that that old boozehound mother of yours 580 00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:32,537 hasn't vomited herself, so give me the fucking chips. 581 00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:35,123 -Here's your goddamn chips. -What's up your ass? 582 00:23:35,164 --> 00:23:37,750 I found the plates. Who needs iced tea? 583 00:23:37,792 --> 00:23:40,586 Let's just get started, please. 584 00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:42,797 The reason I asked you all to come here today 585 00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:43,965 was to discuss something. 586 00:23:44,006 --> 00:23:45,800 I'm starting a business. 587 00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:47,927 -Whorehouse? -(laughs) Whorehouse. That's funny. 588 00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:50,471 -Hey. -I'm starting a fucking business, 589 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:52,598 and I'm gonna-- Tessie, where are you going? 590 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:53,891 I thought I'd get that iced tea. 591 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:55,143 We're having a family meeting. 592 00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,394 You know I can't understand things. 593 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,937 The whole family has to agree. 594 00:23:57,979 --> 00:23:59,063 Skint agrees, I'll agree. 595 00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:01,023 Skint is not family. He's barely human. 596 00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:03,276 -Not true. -Tess, please, sit. 597 00:24:05,069 --> 00:24:07,405 -Thank you. Anyhow... -How's the dip? 598 00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,407 Tess, focus for five minutes here; it's important. 599 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,534 You know I would never call a family meeting 600 00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:13,411 if it weren't important; last thing I want to do 601 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:16,414 is put us all in the same room if I didn't absolutely have to. 602 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:17,999 But I am starting a business, 603 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,042 and to do that, I need some money. 604 00:24:20,084 --> 00:24:21,836 I'm not loaning you a fucking cent. 605 00:24:21,878 --> 00:24:24,046 Really, Artie? I'm shocked. 606 00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:27,466 Absolutely stunned that you, the last of the big-time scumbags, 607 00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:29,302 would not loan his sister some money. 608 00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:31,429 -I don't know you're my sister. -Ah, fuck. 609 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:34,015 -You don't look like me. -We look exactly-- fuck it. 610 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:37,059 Never mind. I'm not asking you for money, you bottom-feeder. 611 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:39,061 You don't have any anyway. 612 00:24:39,103 --> 00:24:41,480 You are the saddest, brokest motherfucker in the world, 613 00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:43,524 and I'm fucking ashamed to be related to you. 614 00:24:43,566 --> 00:24:44,692 You don't know you're related to me. 615 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,653 I'm your fucking sister, you giant piece of shit. 616 00:24:47,695 --> 00:24:50,865 -Can you pass the dip? -Tess, down! 617 00:24:50,907 --> 00:24:52,742 (chips crunching) 618 00:24:52,783 --> 00:24:55,870 I think we should sell that land that Grandma left to us. 619 00:24:55,912 --> 00:24:57,121 -What? -No. 620 00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:59,498 I thought we were gonna build a family home there. 621 00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:01,083 Grandma was the one with that delusional vision. 622 00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:02,543 No one wants to live together, 623 00:25:02,585 --> 00:25:04,712 and no one wants to live in Vermont. 624 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:07,298 That-that land is just sitting there, doing nothing. 625 00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:09,300 Costing us property taxes every year. 626 00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:11,052 Let's sell it, split the money. 627 00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:13,930 -I know we could all use it. -Skint and I are doing fine. 628 00:25:13,971 --> 00:25:15,806 Your husband has a wooden leg that doesn't fit. 629 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,225 That's why he's such a dick all the time. 630 00:25:17,266 --> 00:25:19,185 You know how you get a wooden leg 631 00:25:19,227 --> 00:25:20,436 that doesn't fit to fit? Money. 632 00:25:20,478 --> 00:25:22,313 Hey, who the fuck are you to march in here 633 00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:24,273 -and start giving orders? -What orders? 634 00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:27,318 "Tessie, sit. Tessie, down. Don't get iced tea." 635 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,071 I am not such a dick all the time. 636 00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:32,865 All the time, 24 hours a day, such a dick. 637 00:25:32,907 --> 00:25:35,201 I just want everyone to be happy. 638 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:36,869 Nobody's happy, Tess. 639 00:25:36,911 --> 00:25:39,497 I'm not happy, you're not happy, these assholes aren't happy. 640 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,624 Happy has skipped this house altogether. 641 00:25:41,666 --> 00:25:43,793 I can't sit here and listen to this without a beer. 642 00:25:43,834 --> 00:25:45,503 I can't have beer in the house. Mom will drink it. 643 00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:48,381 I can listen to this, or I can not have a beer. 644 00:25:48,422 --> 00:25:49,799 I can't do both. 645 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,550 Mom will pour it on her breakfast cereal. 646 00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:54,512 She'll wash her hair with it, brush her teeth with it. 647 00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:57,223 -We can't have beer in the house! -I'm going to the bar. 648 00:25:57,265 --> 00:25:58,891 I'm going to the bar, too. 649 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:04,397 I'll take that tea now. 650 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:07,066 MIDGE: Hello? Mr. Howell? 651 00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:08,943 BENJAMIN: Let me go in first. 652 00:26:10,736 --> 00:26:13,990 Well, from the looks of this place, he is extremely stable. 653 00:26:14,031 --> 00:26:16,617 Look at all these paintings. 654 00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:19,036 BENJAMIN: Hello? Mr. Howell? 655 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,496 DECLAN: Come in! 656 00:26:20,538 --> 00:26:22,707 Come in. Come... Come in. 657 00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:24,333 -You're bleeding. -I am. 658 00:26:24,375 --> 00:26:26,252 Thank you for noticing. 659 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,837 Do you want me to take a look at it? I am a doctor. 660 00:26:27,878 --> 00:26:29,922 Uh, no, thank you, Doctor. 661 00:26:29,964 --> 00:26:31,757 Um... wine? 662 00:26:31,799 --> 00:26:34,385 It's a bit early in the day, I think, for a real drink. 663 00:26:34,427 --> 00:26:36,887 So, remind me, who are you? 664 00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:38,306 Oh, sorry. We met last night. 665 00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:39,807 No, I know who you are. Who's he? 666 00:26:39,849 --> 00:26:42,310 -Uh, I'm... -Boyfriend. 667 00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:43,769 This is my boyfriend. 668 00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:46,772 -BENJAMIN: And a collector. -He does both. 669 00:26:46,814 --> 00:26:48,983 The collecting and the boyfriending. 670 00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:51,527 You said you were selling some pieces and we should come by. 671 00:26:51,569 --> 00:26:52,945 Did I? 672 00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:55,197 I'm quite the scamp. 673 00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:59,618 One day closer to death. 674 00:27:01,579 --> 00:27:04,832 Your studio is quite impressive. Mind if I take a look around? 675 00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:07,376 Quickly. I need to work. 676 00:27:09,837 --> 00:27:13,341 Wow. These are very good. 677 00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:19,221 -This one, how much? -Not for sale. 678 00:27:19,263 --> 00:27:21,390 Oh, okay. 679 00:27:21,432 --> 00:27:23,392 This is terrific. How much? 680 00:27:23,434 --> 00:27:25,186 Not for sale. 681 00:27:25,227 --> 00:27:27,938 What about this? How much? 682 00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:30,441 -Not for sale. -I wasn't holding anything. 683 00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:32,109 Well, aren't you the clever dick. 684 00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:33,569 What exactly is for sale? 685 00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:35,571 My soul. 686 00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:38,824 -How much? -Okay. We should get going now. 687 00:27:38,866 --> 00:27:40,826 I just need to check in at the hospital first. 688 00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,662 -Do you have a phone? -I don't have a sink. 689 00:27:43,704 --> 00:27:46,665 Fine. I'll go phone from the coffee shop across the street. 690 00:27:46,707 --> 00:27:48,376 -Bring me back a sandwich? -Absolutely. 691 00:27:48,417 --> 00:27:51,087 -Midge. -Why don't I wait here for you? 692 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:53,255 -What? -I'd like to... 693 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,383 look around a little more, if Mr. Howell doesn't mind. 694 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:57,343 Oh, God, I do love the way you say that. 695 00:27:57,385 --> 00:28:00,012 (quietly): I am not going to leave you here. 696 00:28:09,814 --> 00:28:11,565 (mouthing) 697 00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:13,484 (whispers): You are insane. 698 00:28:17,780 --> 00:28:20,157 -(door opens) -Well, you two found each other. 699 00:28:20,199 --> 00:28:21,450 (door slams) 700 00:28:23,452 --> 00:28:26,580 I don't understand why you won't sell him a painting. 701 00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:29,625 He'd appreciate it. He'd look at it at least. 702 00:28:29,667 --> 00:28:31,335 Do you even look at any of these? 703 00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:33,254 The Allies have landed. 704 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:35,172 Well, good for them. 705 00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,841 I think your paper is a little old. 706 00:28:36,882 --> 00:28:40,553 It's time for a proper drink. Join me. 707 00:28:43,889 --> 00:28:46,058 Who did that to your face? 708 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:49,061 The landlord's wife. Then the landlord. 709 00:28:50,855 --> 00:28:53,274 I don't think much of your doctor. 710 00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:55,317 It's a good thing you're not the one dating him. 711 00:28:55,359 --> 00:28:59,613 Is there anything I can do to seduce you away from him? 712 00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:01,449 If you only had a phone. 713 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:03,367 Touché. 714 00:29:03,409 --> 00:29:05,619 Fine. Stay with him. 715 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:13,502 Tell me about the painting. 716 00:29:13,544 --> 00:29:14,795 What painting? 717 00:29:14,837 --> 00:29:17,798 Painting you were holding at the bar. 718 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:21,010 -How did you...? -Agnes Reynolds was the artist's name, I think. 719 00:29:21,051 --> 00:29:22,511 I can't believe it. 720 00:29:22,553 --> 00:29:24,430 -It came with a cat. -Came with a hat. 721 00:29:24,472 --> 00:29:25,931 Ah, that's much better than a cat. 722 00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:27,475 I thought you were blind drunk. 723 00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:30,060 I'm never quite as drunk as people think I am. 724 00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:31,979 Well, I don't know what to tell you. 725 00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:33,606 I don't know anything about art. 726 00:29:33,647 --> 00:29:35,900 No one knows anything about art. Why'd you buy it? 727 00:29:35,941 --> 00:29:37,651 I don't know. 728 00:29:37,693 --> 00:29:40,070 It's been a while since I'd gone shopping. 729 00:29:43,032 --> 00:29:46,619 I walked in that sad little room, 730 00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:49,788 in the back-- the one nobody seemed to care about-- 731 00:29:49,830 --> 00:29:55,127 and everywhere I looked, there was color and life. 732 00:29:55,169 --> 00:29:58,172 Something the front room was a little short of. 733 00:29:58,214 --> 00:30:00,758 And then suddenly she caught my eye. 734 00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:04,178 I thought, "I know her. She has a secret. 735 00:30:04,220 --> 00:30:07,139 She knows a joke that I don't." 736 00:30:07,181 --> 00:30:12,353 I thought, "Maybe if I take her home, she'll tell me the joke." 737 00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:14,813 And that made me smile. 738 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:22,112 (stubs out cigarette) 739 00:30:22,154 --> 00:30:24,156 All right. 740 00:30:32,915 --> 00:30:34,917 Secret door. 741 00:30:36,460 --> 00:30:38,337 Like Houdini. 742 00:30:38,379 --> 00:30:40,339 MIDGE: This isn't where you store the bodies 743 00:30:40,381 --> 00:30:43,008 of the people who try to buy your paintings, is it? 744 00:30:50,724 --> 00:30:53,769 This is the painting. 745 00:30:53,811 --> 00:30:57,231 I've heard the stories. (chuckles) 746 00:30:59,316 --> 00:31:02,444 So tell me... 747 00:31:02,486 --> 00:31:05,864 does it make you smile? 748 00:31:05,906 --> 00:31:10,494 It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 749 00:31:10,536 --> 00:31:12,955 I mean, it's so different from... 750 00:31:12,997 --> 00:31:14,707 My other work. 751 00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:16,542 Yes. No. 752 00:31:16,584 --> 00:31:19,920 I mean, your other work is wonderful. 753 00:31:19,962 --> 00:31:22,673 Probably wards off vampires, but this one... 754 00:31:22,715 --> 00:31:26,302 This one is perfect. 755 00:31:26,343 --> 00:31:27,845 But I don't understand. 756 00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,264 Why would you keep it locked away in here? 757 00:31:30,306 --> 00:31:32,766 I mean, why don't you sell it? 758 00:31:32,808 --> 00:31:35,519 Sell it? 759 00:31:35,561 --> 00:31:39,481 Sell the greatest thing I'm ever gonna do in my lifetime? 760 00:31:39,523 --> 00:31:42,443 Stick it in a gallery and a doctor'd bring it home. 761 00:31:42,484 --> 00:31:44,153 A museum, then. 762 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:47,031 Oh, yeah, what, next to the mummies? 763 00:31:47,072 --> 00:31:49,199 People should see this. 764 00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:51,535 No, I painted this for me. 765 00:31:53,621 --> 00:31:56,415 This was gonna hang in my home. 766 00:31:56,457 --> 00:31:58,500 When I had a home. 767 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:01,754 And a family, when I had that life. 768 00:32:01,795 --> 00:32:04,798 This was... this was gonna go there. 769 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,053 But that was then. 770 00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:11,263 And this is now. 771 00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:13,515 I will never have that life. 772 00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:16,310 -Now, wait... -I'm not trying to spin a melodrama. 773 00:32:16,352 --> 00:32:17,645 I'm being very realistic. 774 00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:19,980 The chance for that life is gone. 775 00:32:20,022 --> 00:32:21,774 That's ridiculous. 776 00:32:21,815 --> 00:32:27,613 It'll never happen because... everything I have, 777 00:32:27,655 --> 00:32:31,241 I put into that. 778 00:32:31,283 --> 00:32:33,869 Nothing left. 779 00:32:33,911 --> 00:32:37,081 -I think that's very sad. -Well, that's the way it is. 780 00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:42,961 If you... if you want to do something great... 781 00:32:43,003 --> 00:32:47,716 you want to take something as far as it'll go... 782 00:32:50,803 --> 00:32:54,223 ...you can't have everything. 783 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:59,770 You lose... family. 784 00:32:59,812 --> 00:33:01,814 Sense of home. 785 00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:09,238 But then... look at what exists. 786 00:33:14,368 --> 00:33:17,830 Are you sure I can't get you to sleep with me? 787 00:33:17,871 --> 00:33:20,165 Nope. 788 00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:23,085 Even after I told you my sad, lonely story? 789 00:33:23,127 --> 00:33:27,005 I mean, my God, that was my very best line. 790 00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:32,302 -(door opens in distance) -BENJAMIN: Hello? 791 00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:34,972 -(door closes) -Miriam? Where are you? 792 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,391 The doctor sounds panicked. 793 00:33:37,433 --> 00:33:40,769 I should go. 794 00:33:40,811 --> 00:33:43,689 Miriam? 795 00:33:43,731 --> 00:33:45,983 You never saw this. 796 00:33:47,985 --> 00:33:51,363 That's too bad. 797 00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:53,407 Miriam? 798 00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:59,496 Tell him to pick out any painting he wants. 799 00:33:59,538 --> 00:34:01,206 Leave a check on the table. 800 00:34:01,248 --> 00:34:03,041 But don't tell me where he lives, 801 00:34:03,083 --> 00:34:05,085 or I'll come back and get it. 802 00:34:14,595 --> 00:34:16,597 (ship horn blows in distance) 803 00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:24,188 -Where did this come from? -I always hide a few for you. 804 00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:26,023 Thanks. 805 00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:29,067 Mmm. 806 00:34:29,109 --> 00:34:31,487 -How's Mom? -Asleep. 807 00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:33,113 -Are you sure? -I put the mirror under her nose. 808 00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:34,656 Yeah, well, you have to after last time. 809 00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:36,241 (laughs): I know. 810 00:34:36,283 --> 00:34:38,744 (laughs): Five seconds away from burying her alive. 811 00:34:38,786 --> 00:34:40,746 She was so mad. (laughs) 812 00:34:40,788 --> 00:34:42,706 You ever notice that, in every one of these pictures, 813 00:34:42,748 --> 00:34:44,958 I'm standing three feet away from the rest of the family, 814 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:46,376 and you're crying? 815 00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:50,047 Well, I suppose every family thinks they're the worst. 816 00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:52,508 Yeah, but ours has photographic proof. 817 00:34:52,549 --> 00:34:54,301 TESS: Stand-up comedy? 818 00:34:54,343 --> 00:34:56,303 Who knows from stand-up comedy? 819 00:34:56,345 --> 00:34:58,222 You do remember I've been working in a club 820 00:34:58,263 --> 00:34:59,890 -for 16 years, right? -Yeah, but I thought 821 00:34:59,932 --> 00:35:01,850 that was, like, singers, jugglers, dog acts, 822 00:35:01,892 --> 00:35:04,311 that sort of stuff. Stand-up comedy? 823 00:35:04,353 --> 00:35:05,813 (chuckles) I'll be damned. 824 00:35:05,854 --> 00:35:07,356 This girl, she's amazing. 825 00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:09,233 I have a whole plan set up for her. 826 00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,318 I mean, it's all there. I just need a little money. 827 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,403 Why? Do you have to pay the clubs or something? 828 00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:15,155 No, but we have to get to the clubs. 829 00:35:15,197 --> 00:35:16,657 We have to tour. 830 00:35:16,698 --> 00:35:18,700 I need a car; you can't tour without a car. 831 00:35:18,742 --> 00:35:20,953 Well, doesn't your comic friend have a car? 832 00:35:20,994 --> 00:35:23,914 No. She's got, like, 40,000 hats but no car. 833 00:35:23,956 --> 00:35:26,041 Geez. Dilemma. 834 00:35:26,083 --> 00:35:29,545 -How are you doing? -Oh, you know, terrible. 835 00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:33,215 The house is falling apart. Skint leaves his leg everywhere. 836 00:35:33,257 --> 00:35:35,551 Mom could find booze in a nunnery. 837 00:35:35,592 --> 00:35:38,679 Literally, she broke into a nunnery last week. 838 00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:41,098 I did start flirting with the delivery boy 839 00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:43,517 from the grocery, though; he's got a wooden leg, too. 840 00:35:43,559 --> 00:35:47,104 -Well, you have a type. -I do. Huh. 841 00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:48,814 You think there's any chance Leopold and Loeb 842 00:35:48,856 --> 00:35:50,816 are gonna agree to let me sell that land? 843 00:35:50,858 --> 00:35:53,402 -Nope. -Yeah. 844 00:35:55,404 --> 00:35:57,281 Shit. 845 00:36:02,744 --> 00:36:04,788 -What's this? -Keys to Mom's car. 846 00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:07,082 There's no way Mom's gonna let me drive her car. 847 00:36:07,124 --> 00:36:08,959 When she took me to school, I walked, 848 00:36:09,001 --> 00:36:10,419 and she drove alongside me. 849 00:36:10,460 --> 00:36:12,880 I'll tell her it was stolen, by a nun. 850 00:36:12,921 --> 00:36:14,256 You sure? 851 00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:18,135 The highlight of my day 852 00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:21,096 is thinking up different ways to kill my husband. 853 00:36:21,138 --> 00:36:23,140 One of us needs a win. 854 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:26,059 Thanks, sis. 855 00:36:29,062 --> 00:36:32,524 -Beat him to death with his leg? -I'll put it on the list. 856 00:36:34,818 --> 00:36:37,237 (crowd singing in Hebrew) 857 00:36:37,279 --> 00:36:39,615 (singing continues) 858 00:36:43,368 --> 00:36:45,621 -I'm starving. -Don't think about it. 859 00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:47,664 I've been thinking about it since dinner yesterday. 860 00:36:47,706 --> 00:36:49,583 -Shh. -We've been without food for 24 hours. 861 00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:52,252 Some people never have anything but bread soaked in water. 862 00:36:52,294 --> 00:36:54,630 Oh, that sounds delicious. 863 00:36:54,671 --> 00:36:57,132 (singing ends) 864 00:36:57,174 --> 00:36:59,259 For the sin which we committed before you... 865 00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:01,178 I noticed your kid's been stuffing candy bars 866 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:03,472 in his face the entire ceremony. 867 00:37:03,513 --> 00:37:05,265 -Moishe. -His face is covered in chocolate. 868 00:37:05,307 --> 00:37:06,600 He looks like Al Jolson. 869 00:37:06,642 --> 00:37:08,518 Be quiet. We are in temple. 870 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:10,604 That's right, and everyone can see that we're talking, 871 00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:12,439 because these seats are fabulous. 872 00:37:12,481 --> 00:37:15,442 -If only they were edible. -Did you see Mara Weinstock? 873 00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:17,235 -Six rows back. -RABBI: For the sin 874 00:37:17,277 --> 00:37:18,904 which we have committed before you... 875 00:37:18,946 --> 00:37:20,864 -...committed before you... -That's Catholic, Astrid. 876 00:37:20,906 --> 00:37:22,783 I just don't understand why he gets to eat. 877 00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:24,368 I don't understand why you get to sit. 878 00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:26,119 The elder can sit, rabbi said. 879 00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:28,288 We are the same age, and I'm standing. 880 00:37:28,330 --> 00:37:31,208 Well, good for you. You get to be king of the Jews. 881 00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:33,043 How'd that work out for the last guy? 882 00:37:33,085 --> 00:37:35,128 And for the sin which we have committed before you 883 00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:36,588 by a gathering of lewdness. 884 00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:39,341 Has anyone ever had her diagnosed? 885 00:37:39,383 --> 00:37:41,343 She's the only one actually praying here. 886 00:37:41,385 --> 00:37:42,678 ETHAN: More chocolate, please. 887 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:44,888 Try aiming for your mouth, kid. 888 00:37:44,930 --> 00:37:46,974 That's his third candy bar, in case you weren't counting. 889 00:37:47,015 --> 00:37:49,017 He's four. A four-year-old shouldn't have to fast. 890 00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:50,727 Not till he's bar mitzvah'd. 891 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,563 When I was a boy, I fasted. And you know why I fasted? 892 00:37:53,605 --> 00:37:56,149 Because we had nothing! 893 00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,026 Every day was Yom Kippur. 894 00:37:58,068 --> 00:38:00,320 Moishe, please. I'm atoning. 895 00:38:00,362 --> 00:38:03,991 For the things I'd like to do to that man, 896 00:38:04,032 --> 00:38:05,909 -I apologize. -That's right, sweetheart, 897 00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:08,662 let it out. 898 00:38:08,704 --> 00:38:10,414 For the sin which we have committed before you, 899 00:38:10,455 --> 00:38:13,083 -by false denial and lying. -And for the sin which we... 900 00:38:13,125 --> 00:38:15,669 Shirley, your mother is tipping over again. 901 00:38:15,711 --> 00:38:17,796 Oh, it's okay, I tied her to the bench. 902 00:38:17,838 --> 00:38:19,464 And for the sin which we have committed before you 903 00:38:19,506 --> 00:38:20,674 by eating and drinking. 904 00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:22,968 For the sin which we committed before you 905 00:38:23,010 --> 00:38:24,886 by embezzlement. 906 00:38:24,928 --> 00:38:27,931 And for the sins which we incur the penalty of the four forms 907 00:38:27,973 --> 00:38:31,184 of capital punishment, executed by the Court: 908 00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:35,689 stoning, burning, decapitation and strangulation. 909 00:38:35,731 --> 00:38:38,066 RABBI and ASTRID: For all these sins, O God of forgiveness, 910 00:38:38,108 --> 00:38:42,320 forgive us, pardon us, and grant us atonement. 911 00:38:42,362 --> 00:38:45,782 (singing in Hebrew) 912 00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:47,826 (crowd singing along) 913 00:38:49,995 --> 00:38:53,415 (Rabbi and Astrid holding note) 914 00:39:02,132 --> 00:39:04,259 (Astrid holds note) 915 00:39:04,301 --> 00:39:06,970 (rabbi speaking Yiddish) 916 00:39:07,012 --> 00:39:11,058 -Here we go. -(horn blows) 917 00:39:11,099 --> 00:39:13,351 (excited chatter) 918 00:39:13,393 --> 00:39:15,353 -I have nuts in my purse. -Over here. I-I'll take some. 919 00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:16,772 -If you have one left... -What? 920 00:39:16,813 --> 00:39:17,981 I won't have one left. 921 00:39:18,023 --> 00:39:19,524 Get in here and fight for your nuts. 922 00:39:19,566 --> 00:39:20,984 -I'm gonna go ahead with Ethan. -Hurry, hurry! 923 00:39:21,026 --> 00:39:23,111 See if I can hose him off before dinner. 924 00:39:23,153 --> 00:39:24,863 Papa, wait, wait. 925 00:39:24,905 --> 00:39:27,491 -I need to talk to you. -Shirley's nuts will be gone. 926 00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:30,327 -I have to leave dinner by 9:00. -What are you talking about? 927 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:32,412 I have a very big show tonight; it's at the Gaslight, 928 00:39:32,454 --> 00:39:34,289 and it's for a booker, and if I do well, 929 00:39:34,331 --> 00:39:36,625 it could mean more gigs, more money. 930 00:39:36,666 --> 00:39:38,710 -(sighs) -I need you to cover for me. 931 00:39:38,752 --> 00:39:40,837 -Cover for you? It's Yom Kippur. -Hey, you're the one 932 00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,297 who wanted me to keep my stand-up career quiet. 933 00:39:42,339 --> 00:39:43,924 Now, does this not have to be a big deal. 934 00:39:43,965 --> 00:39:45,383 I've worked the whole thing out. 935 00:39:45,425 --> 00:39:47,344 Right after dessert, I'll suddenly get a headache. 936 00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:50,055 I'll go lie down, and you propose everybody play a game. 937 00:39:50,097 --> 00:39:52,349 Like "Name that Homicidal Despot"? 938 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,184 Or charades. Gather everyone in the living room, 939 00:39:54,226 --> 00:39:55,977 and say you want to go first, then position yourself right 940 00:39:56,019 --> 00:39:57,646 in front of the fireplace. That way, they'll have to face you 941 00:39:57,687 --> 00:39:59,147 and they'll have their backs to the front door. 942 00:39:59,189 --> 00:40:00,816 That gives me a chance to slip out unnoticed. 943 00:40:00,857 --> 00:40:02,234 Now, earlier, you would've cracked the door open 944 00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:03,819 and put a pair of my shoes outside 945 00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:06,029 so I can tiptoe out barefoot and no one will hear me. 946 00:40:06,071 --> 00:40:07,989 Later, when I get home, I'll make an owl hoot sound, 947 00:40:08,031 --> 00:40:09,950 and you can come downstairs and let me in the service entrance. 948 00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:11,368 -And then we can... -Enough. 949 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:12,994 I'm not playing charades, 950 00:40:13,036 --> 00:40:15,163 I'm not putting your shoes outside the door, 951 00:40:15,205 --> 00:40:17,791 -or responding to your hooting. -But... 952 00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:19,793 Tell them. Tell them what you're doing. 953 00:40:19,835 --> 00:40:21,378 It's time. 954 00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,547 Are you sure? 955 00:40:23,588 --> 00:40:26,258 I am not going to lie for you right after Yom Kippur. 956 00:40:26,299 --> 00:40:28,343 I'm not gonna blow a year's worth of sinning 957 00:40:28,385 --> 00:40:29,636 in the first two hours. 958 00:40:29,678 --> 00:40:31,888 Okay. If you say so. 959 00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:33,306 And not a word about me knowing 960 00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:34,850 about this stand-up thing ahead of time. 961 00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:37,602 -So you want me to lie. -Like a Bible salesman. 962 00:40:37,644 --> 00:40:38,812 You want me to blow a year's worth 963 00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:40,188 of sinning in the first two hours. 964 00:40:40,230 --> 00:40:42,315 Sharp as a tack. Now, do you have any more 965 00:40:42,357 --> 00:40:44,734 of Ethan's chocolate in that purse of yours? 966 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:47,028 -MOISHE: We forgot Bubbabosia. -SHIRLEY: Thank God we tied her to the bench. 967 00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:48,905 This isn't gonna look good with the guy upstairs. 968 00:40:48,947 --> 00:40:51,158 -Mr. Bussman? Why would he care? -Just go. 969 00:40:51,199 --> 00:40:54,828 God, I would kill for the hole of the bagel right about now! 970 00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:56,580 (phone ringing) 971 00:40:56,621 --> 00:40:58,707 -Susie Myerson's office. -Susie, it's me, it's Midge. 972 00:40:58,748 --> 00:41:00,542 If you're calling to cancel tonight, I swear to God, 973 00:41:00,584 --> 00:41:02,752 I'm gonna have something really big to atone for next year. 974 00:41:02,794 --> 00:41:06,464 I'm not canceling. But I do have to tell you something. 975 00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:09,926 ("Cheek to Cheek" playing) 976 00:41:09,968 --> 00:41:11,720 -Twist or olives? -Olives. -Extra olives. 977 00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:13,346 -Lots of olives. -Do we have a little onion... 978 00:41:13,388 --> 00:41:15,390 (speaking Polish) 979 00:41:18,059 --> 00:41:20,061 (women conversing in Polish) 980 00:41:22,856 --> 00:41:25,108 Soak the beans at the end. (speaks Polish) 981 00:41:25,150 --> 00:41:26,651 You do not know American beans? 982 00:41:26,693 --> 00:41:29,112 -Smells delicious, Zelda. -Thank you, Miss Miriam. 983 00:41:29,154 --> 00:41:31,823 -At the end, the end, the end! -I put baby down. 984 00:41:31,865 --> 00:41:34,451 (women continue chattering) 985 00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:36,369 SHIRLEY: These latkes are delicious. 986 00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:39,456 -You changed your dress. -Ethan got chocolate on it. 987 00:41:39,497 --> 00:41:40,790 -Here you go, Pop. -Just put it down. 988 00:41:40,832 --> 00:41:42,083 It's gonna get warm. 989 00:41:42,125 --> 00:41:44,169 Do you control the temperature now? 990 00:41:44,211 --> 00:41:46,171 No, I ju-- forget it. 991 00:41:46,213 --> 00:41:48,465 Drink it, don't drink it. 992 00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:51,676 Thank you for laying out my options so clearly. 993 00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:53,470 -You look nice. -Yeah? 994 00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:55,889 -Do I? Thanks. -You okay? 995 00:41:55,931 --> 00:41:59,142 -Yes. Hungry. -You sure that's it? 996 00:41:59,184 --> 00:42:04,105 ♪ Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak... ♪ 997 00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:06,608 -Really? -Where are they going? 998 00:42:06,650 --> 00:42:09,110 These gatherings just keep getting weirder. 999 00:42:09,152 --> 00:42:11,696 -Start over. -(groans) 1000 00:42:11,738 --> 00:42:13,740 (women continue chattering) 1001 00:42:16,993 --> 00:42:18,954 I'm going to tell them about the stand-up. 1002 00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,789 -Tonight? -Tonight. 1003 00:42:20,830 --> 00:42:22,958 Yeah, I don't know if that's one of your better ideas. 1004 00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:24,793 It isn't mine, it's Papa's. He's insisting. 1005 00:42:24,834 --> 00:42:27,003 You have a room full of unfed Jews in there. 1006 00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:29,047 That's a lot of desperation and rage in the air. 1007 00:42:29,089 --> 00:42:31,508 -I know. -Right now, they'd kill each other for a garnish. 1008 00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:33,885 I have a gig tonight. I have to get out of here. 1009 00:42:33,927 --> 00:42:35,679 -He won't cover. -Maybe I can help. 1010 00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:38,515 Create a diversion. I can have a stroke. I'm 30. 1011 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:41,268 In the Maisel family, I should've had one by now anyhow. 1012 00:42:41,309 --> 00:42:45,063 -(women chattering) -(dishes clinking) 1013 00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:48,275 -Happy New Year. -Happy New Year. 1014 00:42:48,316 --> 00:42:50,694 That's Ethan's cereal. 1015 00:42:50,735 --> 00:42:53,530 Yeah? It's good. Not as good as the candy bar in temple, but... 1016 00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:56,241 Just make sure that fucking toy surprise is still in there. 1017 00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:58,785 Look how he talks to his father on the holiest of days. 1018 00:42:58,827 --> 00:43:01,121 -You heard me. -ZELDA: Two spoonfuls of dressing per plate. 1019 00:43:01,162 --> 00:43:03,415 Except Mrs. Weissman, who doesn't eat dressing. 1020 00:43:03,456 --> 00:43:05,041 Anyone who puts dressing 1021 00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:08,420 on Mrs. Weissman's plate will answer to me. 1022 00:43:08,461 --> 00:43:11,381 Okay, let's go. Dinner is ready! 1023 00:43:11,423 --> 00:43:13,550 -MIDGE: Wait, Zelda. -Did she say dinner's ready? 1024 00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:16,052 It's ready? It's ready. Everyone to the table. 1025 00:43:16,094 --> 00:43:18,054 ABE: If I eat one more onion, I'm gonna throw up. 1026 00:43:18,096 --> 00:43:19,848 I have to climb over the stool? This is so stressful. 1027 00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:21,641 -Just keep moving. -Oh. 1028 00:43:21,683 --> 00:43:23,351 Uh, Pop, you left your drink. 1029 00:43:23,393 --> 00:43:25,937 (groans) Just worry about yourself like you always do. 1030 00:43:25,979 --> 00:43:28,356 -Are the salt shakers on the table? -Hey, a decoder ring! 1031 00:43:28,398 --> 00:43:30,483 -You put that back. -Fuck if I will. 1032 00:43:30,525 --> 00:43:33,111 -Mama, you dropped a shoe. -What? Did I? 1033 00:43:33,153 --> 00:43:34,821 I'm not sitting next to you tonight. 1034 00:43:34,863 --> 00:43:36,656 -Oh, lucky me. -ETHAN: I'm not hungry. 1035 00:43:36,698 --> 00:43:39,284 -Shh. -What you mean, you're not hungry? 1036 00:43:39,326 --> 00:43:42,746 -He had some candy earlier. -He couldn't wait until dinner? 1037 00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:44,789 Well, he's four. 1038 00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:47,584 -That's little. -Four-year-olds in my village worked. 1039 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:50,295 They made shoes, they herded sheep, they hid guns. 1040 00:43:50,337 --> 00:43:52,422 ETHAN: Yom Kippur is scary. 1041 00:43:52,464 --> 00:43:54,883 I know, honey. Go to your room, lock the door. 1042 00:43:54,924 --> 00:43:56,092 Yes, I would. 1043 00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:58,261 -Is that my toy? -Not anymore. 1044 00:43:58,303 --> 00:44:01,306 SHIRLEY: Moishe, the flowers. Have you seen the flowers? 1045 00:44:01,348 --> 00:44:04,100 My God, the flowers, they almost don't seem real. 1046 00:44:04,142 --> 00:44:05,226 -ROSE: They're real. -They don't look real. 1047 00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:06,561 -They are real. -They don't look real. 1048 00:44:06,603 --> 00:44:07,729 -Well, they are. -Are you sure? 1049 00:44:07,771 --> 00:44:09,189 -I'm sure. -Excuse me. 1050 00:44:09,230 --> 00:44:10,732 Could I have your attention for a minute? 1051 00:44:10,774 --> 00:44:12,650 Stop touching the flowers, Shirley. 1052 00:44:12,692 --> 00:44:14,611 I have something I'd like to tell you. 1053 00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:16,863 All of you, on this special night. 1054 00:44:16,905 --> 00:44:19,407 You're a fucking child. 1055 00:44:19,449 --> 00:44:21,993 So this is a holy holiday about atoning for our sins. 1056 00:44:22,035 --> 00:44:24,788 And lying, keeping things from the ones you love, 1057 00:44:24,829 --> 00:44:26,956 -is a sin, and I have been... -(Zelda speaks Polish) 1058 00:44:26,998 --> 00:44:28,666 Ooh, lamb. 1059 00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:30,627 Is there something other than lamb? 1060 00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:32,003 Don't worry, Moishe, there's brisket. 1061 00:44:32,045 --> 00:44:33,755 Oh, I just hope she made those little potatoes. 1062 00:44:33,797 --> 00:44:36,132 -I love those little potatoes. -Um, Zelda, would you mind 1063 00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:37,634 holding off on the food for a minute? 1064 00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:38,635 -What? -ABE: Why? 1065 00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,428 People are starving, Miriam. 1066 00:44:40,470 --> 00:44:41,971 -It's going to get cold. -I promise this'll be quick. 1067 00:44:42,013 --> 00:44:45,266 -Give me the box back. -(speaks Polish) 1068 00:44:45,308 --> 00:44:47,811 As I was saying, we are family, and families 1069 00:44:47,852 --> 00:44:49,896 -should not lie to one another. -Mm-hmm. 1070 00:44:49,938 --> 00:44:51,898 Especially about something that could affect everybody someday. 1071 00:44:51,940 --> 00:44:53,900 This seems like it's gonna take a while. 1072 00:44:53,942 --> 00:44:55,443 I've got some pickles in my purse. 1073 00:44:55,485 --> 00:44:56,778 She is so resourceful, really. 1074 00:44:56,820 --> 00:44:58,488 I should carry pickles in my purse. 1075 00:44:58,530 --> 00:44:59,906 So, as I was saying, 1076 00:44:59,948 --> 00:45:02,242 a lot has happened in my life over the last year, 1077 00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:05,120 -and though I never really planned it this way... -Who wants a kosher dill? 1078 00:45:05,161 --> 00:45:06,538 -Ooh, kosher dill. -Over here, right over here. 1079 00:45:06,579 --> 00:45:08,123 ASTRID: I'll have a bite of Noah's. 1080 00:45:08,164 --> 00:45:10,083 -Have your own, Astrid. -No, only if there's extra. 1081 00:45:10,125 --> 00:45:11,459 Astrid, take a fucking pickle. 1082 00:45:11,501 --> 00:45:14,754 This last year has been very challenging for me. 1083 00:45:14,796 --> 00:45:18,466 And I found it leading me in new directions. 1084 00:45:18,508 --> 00:45:20,802 Unexpected directions. 1085 00:45:20,844 --> 00:45:22,595 -Really unexpected. -(snoring) 1086 00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:24,055 ROSE: Shirley, you forgot your mother. 1087 00:45:24,097 --> 00:45:26,641 -Oh, I did. Oh, Moishe. -I'm going, I'm going. 1088 00:45:26,683 --> 00:45:28,309 Um, anyhow. Uh, about my life. 1089 00:45:28,351 --> 00:45:30,019 -Pass the pickles. -Papa. 1090 00:45:30,061 --> 00:45:31,688 Well, this is taking a very long time. 1091 00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,398 There we go. Right over here. 1092 00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:35,692 Zelda, you can bring the food now. 1093 00:45:35,733 --> 00:45:37,360 -Mama, I'm talking. -Aren't you done? 1094 00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:39,654 I haven't started. Zelda, not yet. 1095 00:45:39,696 --> 00:45:42,449 Anyhow, so, this last year has been very challenging for me, 1096 00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:43,741 -and... -(doorbell rings) 1097 00:45:43,783 --> 00:45:47,370 (Zelda speaks Polish) 1098 00:45:47,412 --> 00:45:49,873 Hi. I was, uh, summoned. 1099 00:45:49,914 --> 00:45:52,500 -Susie, come in. -Uh, I think she's waiting 1100 00:45:52,542 --> 00:45:55,170 -for my papers or something. -Uh, just get in here. 1101 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:56,796 SHIRLEY: Okay, pass the pickles down. 1102 00:45:56,838 --> 00:46:00,175 MIDGE: Please, take a seat. 1103 00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:05,263 Mm. Comfortable chairs. 1104 00:46:06,723 --> 00:46:09,684 I invited Susie to be here tonight with us, 1105 00:46:09,726 --> 00:46:12,228 to bear witness to what I am about to say. 1106 00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:13,730 -What happened to Zelda? -What? 1107 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,773 Zelda. Usually answers the door. 1108 00:46:15,815 --> 00:46:18,109 How do you know what Zelda usually does? Who are you? 1109 00:46:18,151 --> 00:46:20,737 -She's my friend. -Yeah. Hi, Abe. 1110 00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:24,032 Very good. Deducing that I am Abe, Miriam's father. 1111 00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:26,367 Hello, person I've never met before. 1112 00:46:26,409 --> 00:46:28,411 Nice to see you for the very first time. 1113 00:46:28,453 --> 00:46:32,081 Okay, so clearly I missed a pretty hefty cocktail hour. 1114 00:46:32,123 --> 00:46:34,542 All right. Everyone, please just let me say what I need to say. 1115 00:46:34,584 --> 00:46:37,587 -Not now, Zelda. -(Zelda speaks Polish) 1116 00:46:37,629 --> 00:46:39,672 I'm sure you've all noticed that I've been acting 1117 00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:41,799 differently lately, staying out at night a lot. 1118 00:46:41,841 --> 00:46:43,301 How would we know you're staying out at night? 1119 00:46:43,343 --> 00:46:45,553 There is a reason for this, and the reason is 1120 00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:48,890 I am pursuing a career in stand-up comedy. 1121 00:46:52,227 --> 00:46:53,811 -You what?! -ROSE: Abe. 1122 00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:55,688 ABE: This is outrageous. 1123 00:46:55,730 --> 00:46:57,482 How could you do this, Miriam? 1124 00:46:57,524 --> 00:47:00,109 What a secret to keep from your father. 1125 00:47:00,151 --> 00:47:01,903 Rose, did you know this? 1126 00:47:01,945 --> 00:47:03,279 -Of course I didn't know this. -(doorbell rings) 1127 00:47:03,321 --> 00:47:05,240 -I don't understand. -You don't understand? 1128 00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:07,492 What do you mean, a career in stand-up comedy? 1129 00:47:07,534 --> 00:47:09,327 (door opens) 1130 00:47:09,369 --> 00:47:11,746 Hello. I'm Rabbi Krinsky. 1131 00:47:11,788 --> 00:47:13,581 Come on in, Rabbi. Grab a seat. 1132 00:47:13,623 --> 00:47:16,626 -We're gonna be here a while. -Gut Yontiv, Rabbi. 1133 00:47:16,668 --> 00:47:18,836 I've been working clubs all over New York for months now. 1134 00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,255 I'm getting pretty good. 1135 00:47:20,296 --> 00:47:21,881 In fact, I have to leave early tonight, 1136 00:47:21,923 --> 00:47:24,384 because I've got a gig. That's what we call it: a gig. 1137 00:47:24,425 --> 00:47:26,844 A booker is coming to see me, and if I do well, 1138 00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,430 I'll get jobs in more clubs, clubs outside of New York. 1139 00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:31,432 You were a plumber at Steiner's. 1140 00:47:31,474 --> 00:47:34,435 You came to fix our sink, and when you left, it was worse. 1141 00:47:34,477 --> 00:47:36,813 -She's not a plumber, Mama. -I should say not. 1142 00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:39,482 -That sink was not fixable. -She's my manager. 1143 00:47:39,524 --> 00:47:41,025 -Her manager for what? -For my stand-up. 1144 00:47:41,067 --> 00:47:43,069 -I can't believe you lied to us. -SUSIE: I was under 1145 00:47:43,111 --> 00:47:44,696 the impression there would be food at this thing. 1146 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:46,906 I know it's a shock. It was a shock to me, too, 1147 00:47:46,948 --> 00:47:48,449 but I've seen her onstage, and she's good. 1148 00:47:48,491 --> 00:47:50,118 I think she could be really successful. 1149 00:47:50,159 --> 00:47:51,995 -As what? -As a stand-up. 1150 00:47:52,036 --> 00:47:53,580 But how did you meet the plumber? 1151 00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:55,915 She's-- Just try to stay with me. 1152 00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:57,834 -Who stays with the children? -A lot of people. 1153 00:47:57,875 --> 00:47:59,544 Well, why haven't you ever called me? 1154 00:47:59,586 --> 00:48:01,838 Is this why you've been in such a rotten mood lately? 1155 00:48:01,879 --> 00:48:03,089 What's wrong with me? 1156 00:48:03,131 --> 00:48:04,632 My mood has nothing to do with this. 1157 00:48:04,674 --> 00:48:06,342 I just found out about this. 1158 00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:08,344 My mood has been caused by something 1159 00:48:08,386 --> 00:48:10,430 and someone else entirely. 1160 00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:13,099 -I see. Meaning me. -My mood has been turned rotten 1161 00:48:13,141 --> 00:48:16,269 by finding out my son is a government spook. 1162 00:48:16,311 --> 00:48:18,563 A fed! A killer. 1163 00:48:18,605 --> 00:48:20,231 What are you talking about? 1164 00:48:20,273 --> 00:48:22,275 I'm talking about you being in the CIA. 1165 00:48:22,317 --> 00:48:23,901 Who told you? 1166 00:48:23,943 --> 00:48:26,279 That day at Bell Labs. Do you think I'm an idiot? 1167 00:48:26,321 --> 00:48:28,656 And then Astrid sang like a canary for your mother. 1168 00:48:28,698 --> 00:48:30,283 -You did? -Oh, I don't know, maybe. 1169 00:48:30,325 --> 00:48:32,577 I had been fasting and I was weak and-- oh. 1170 00:48:32,619 --> 00:48:34,954 Why am I always starving? 1171 00:48:34,996 --> 00:48:36,497 Why is your manager a plumber? 1172 00:48:36,539 --> 00:48:38,333 I don't see how those two skill sets interact. 1173 00:48:38,374 --> 00:48:40,043 Everyone, let's just calm down. 1174 00:48:40,084 --> 00:48:42,045 I-I didn't mean to start a whole thing. 1175 00:48:42,086 --> 00:48:43,880 This is not what I wanted. 1176 00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:46,090 Not everything in the world is about you, Midge. 1177 00:48:46,132 --> 00:48:48,092 Except this, which is literally all about me. 1178 00:48:48,134 --> 00:48:50,219 All right, let's put aside the fact that your manager's 1179 00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:51,971 a plumber for a second. Does Benjamin know? 1180 00:48:52,013 --> 00:48:53,848 -What? -Who? 1181 00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:56,225 Benjamin? Who's Benjamin? You never told me about a Benjamin. 1182 00:48:56,267 --> 00:48:58,186 Is this the guy you were hanging out with in the Catskills? 1183 00:48:58,227 --> 00:49:00,396 -Benjamin is not important. -I just want to know how he feels about it. 1184 00:49:00,438 --> 00:49:02,023 Is it gonna affect your relationship? 1185 00:49:02,065 --> 00:49:04,692 -You have a relationship? -SUSIE: This is not the best time 1186 00:49:04,734 --> 00:49:06,944 -to start a relationship. -Yeah. You're just starting a career. 1187 00:49:06,986 --> 00:49:08,905 -We're gonna be touring. -Touring. Yes. 1188 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,782 You can't have a relationship when you're touring. 1189 00:49:10,823 --> 00:49:12,617 Does Benjamin know this, about the touring? 1190 00:49:12,659 --> 00:49:13,868 You have to go where the work is. 1191 00:49:13,910 --> 00:49:15,662 That's right. Listen to your husband. 1192 00:49:15,703 --> 00:49:17,288 Maybe I should be going. 1193 00:49:17,330 --> 00:49:20,124 I have another house to stop by. 1194 00:49:20,166 --> 00:49:22,210 -Tell a joke. -What? 1195 00:49:22,251 --> 00:49:23,795 Tell a joke, one joke. 1196 00:49:23,836 --> 00:49:25,546 Well, I don't really do jokes. 1197 00:49:25,588 --> 00:49:26,714 Said you're going to be a comic. 1198 00:49:26,756 --> 00:49:28,549 Seems you should tell some jokes. 1199 00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:31,511 Well, she's more of a stream of conscious kind of comic. 1200 00:49:31,552 --> 00:49:33,054 Yeah. Observational humor. 1201 00:49:33,096 --> 00:49:35,306 I have no idea what observational humor is. 1202 00:49:35,348 --> 00:49:37,100 -You say you have a show tonight, right? -Right. 1203 00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:39,435 -What are you gonna talk about? -Well, I was gonna... 1204 00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:40,853 talk about things. 1205 00:49:40,895 --> 00:49:42,563 Things. Sounds hilarious. 1206 00:49:42,605 --> 00:49:44,982 I was gonna talk about personal things. 1207 00:49:45,024 --> 00:49:48,069 Marriage, dating, maybe. 1208 00:49:48,111 --> 00:49:50,655 I do a bit about secretaries and their giant... 1209 00:49:50,697 --> 00:49:52,949 Um, old bit, bad bit, retired bit. 1210 00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:55,993 Oh, I do a thing about Ethan getting bullied at the park. 1211 00:49:56,035 --> 00:49:57,787 Sounds terrible. When did that happen? 1212 00:49:57,829 --> 00:50:00,748 -It was a long time ago. -And you make jokes about it? 1213 00:50:00,790 --> 00:50:02,125 Well, I heighten it, you know, 1214 00:50:02,166 --> 00:50:03,793 pretend I'm telling him to fight back. 1215 00:50:03,835 --> 00:50:05,461 "Mama didn't raise no pussies." 1216 00:50:05,503 --> 00:50:07,338 -What does that mean? -What park was that? 1217 00:50:07,380 --> 00:50:09,966 No, I'm giving you an example of one of my jokes. 1218 00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:12,719 Miriam, you're a great-looking girl, but I have to tell you, 1219 00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:15,096 that joke was the pits. Can you sing? 1220 00:50:15,138 --> 00:50:16,139 -Pop. -I'm just saying, 1221 00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:17,974 a comedian has to be funny. 1222 00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,976 Otherwise, they'd be called Abe. 1223 00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:21,894 Nothing is funny when you've been lied to. 1224 00:50:21,936 --> 00:50:23,312 NOAH: You don't even know what you're mad at. 1225 00:50:23,354 --> 00:50:25,064 I have been working all my day cooking this meal, 1226 00:50:25,106 --> 00:50:27,024 and it is just sitting there turning to nothing! 1227 00:50:27,066 --> 00:50:28,985 -I know that I'm mad at you! -For no reason! -(clamoring) 1228 00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,987 -Zelda, bring the food in. -...knowing she was funny? 1229 00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:32,822 -If you took one minute to think about... -You don't tell us? 1230 00:50:32,864 --> 00:50:34,824 -Everyone, shut up! -(clamoring stops) 1231 00:50:36,242 --> 00:50:39,620 I'm pregnant! 1232 00:50:39,662 --> 00:50:42,623 I was just waiting until the right moment to tell you. 1233 00:50:42,665 --> 00:50:44,459 (giggles) 1234 00:50:46,461 --> 00:50:49,297 Congratulations. 1235 00:50:49,338 --> 00:50:51,591 (quietly): Thank you. 1236 00:50:54,635 --> 00:50:57,221 Okay. Party's over, pal. 1237 00:50:57,263 --> 00:51:00,433 You two, this is not where you want to conceive your kid. 1238 00:51:00,475 --> 00:51:02,018 Trust me. 1239 00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:04,020 Time to go. Come on, pal. 1240 00:51:04,061 --> 00:51:06,814 -I'm waiting for the next show. -It's your lucky day. 1241 00:51:06,856 --> 00:51:09,233 The next show is right outside. 1242 00:51:09,275 --> 00:51:11,152 Yeah, keep walking. 1243 00:51:11,194 --> 00:51:13,196 Keep moving, keep moving. 1244 00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:16,073 Well, that was a great set. 1245 00:51:16,115 --> 00:51:17,700 Felt like cheating. 1246 00:51:17,742 --> 00:51:20,495 All I did was reenact break-fast word for word. 1247 00:51:20,536 --> 00:51:23,456 Who cares? That fucking gentile pissed himself, which normally 1248 00:51:23,498 --> 00:51:25,708 would revolt the shit out of me, but not this time. 1249 00:51:25,750 --> 00:51:27,960 -He loved me. -He fucking loved you. 1250 00:51:31,672 --> 00:51:35,051 -You know what this is? -Scotch I can't afford? 1251 00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,137 -This is our anniversary. -Hmm. Don't get sappy. 1252 00:51:38,179 --> 00:51:41,057 One year ago, on Yom Kippur, 1253 00:51:41,098 --> 00:51:46,145 I gave my first performance, got arrested. 1254 00:51:46,187 --> 00:51:47,772 I met Lenny. 1255 00:51:47,814 --> 00:51:50,316 You bailed me out. 1256 00:51:50,358 --> 00:51:52,777 One year ago, my husband walked out 1257 00:51:52,819 --> 00:51:54,946 and my whole life fell apart. 1258 00:51:54,987 --> 00:51:56,531 Yay. 1259 00:51:56,572 --> 00:51:59,242 My old life ended and my new life began. 1260 00:51:59,283 --> 00:52:01,994 Everyone's out. I'm going home. 1261 00:52:02,036 --> 00:52:03,496 You were on fire tonight, Midge. 1262 00:52:03,538 --> 00:52:05,248 Thanks, Jackie. 1263 00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:07,250 So what do we do now? 1264 00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:09,460 So now I start setting up a tour, 1265 00:52:09,502 --> 00:52:11,879 get us on the road, and we start making some money. 1266 00:52:11,921 --> 00:52:13,297 You really think I'm gonna be big? 1267 00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:14,549 I think you're gonna be 1268 00:52:14,590 --> 00:52:16,759 a massive pain in my ass very, very soon. 1269 00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:18,636 I want to be big. 1270 00:52:18,678 --> 00:52:21,556 I want to be the biggest thing out there. 1271 00:52:21,597 --> 00:52:23,474 Tits up? 1272 00:52:23,516 --> 00:52:26,519 -Tits up. -(glasses clink) 1273 00:52:26,561 --> 00:52:29,564 ("Opportunities" by Pet Shop Boys playing) 1274 00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:39,782 ♪ I've got the brains, you've got the looks ♪ 1275 00:52:39,824 --> 00:52:43,661 ♪ Let's make lots of money ♪ 1276 00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:47,874 ♪ You've got the brawn, I've got the brains ♪ 1277 00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:51,252 ♪ Let's make lots of ♪ 1278 00:52:51,294 --> 00:52:55,339 ♪ I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks ♪ 1279 00:52:55,381 --> 00:52:59,302 ♪ My car is parked outside, I'm afraid it doesn't work ♪ 1280 00:52:59,343 --> 00:53:03,389 ♪ I'm looking for a partner, someone who gets things fixed ♪ 1281 00:53:03,431 --> 00:53:08,519 ♪ Ask yourself this question: do you want to be rich? ♪ 1282 00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:12,607 ♪ I've got the brains, you've got the looks ♪ 1283 00:53:12,648 --> 00:53:16,360 ♪ Let's make lots of money ♪ 1284 00:53:16,402 --> 00:53:20,656 ♪ You've got the brawn, I've got the brains ♪ 1285 00:53:20,698 --> 00:53:24,076 ♪ Let's make lots of money ♪ 1286 00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:28,372 ♪ You can tell I'm educated, I studied at the Sorbonne ♪ 1287 00:53:28,414 --> 00:53:31,959 ♪ Doctored in mathematics, I could have been a don ♪ 1288 00:53:32,001 --> 00:53:36,088 ♪ I can program a computer, choose the perfect time ♪ 1289 00:53:36,130 --> 00:53:38,174 ♪ If you've got the inclination ♪ 1290 00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:40,551 ♪ I have got the crime ♪ 1291 00:53:42,553 --> 00:53:47,516 ♪ Oh, there's a lot of opportunities ♪ 1292 00:53:47,558 --> 00:53:50,102 ♪ If you know when to take them ♪ 1293 00:53:50,144 --> 00:53:55,566 ♪ You know, there's a lot of opportunities ♪ 1294 00:53:55,608 --> 00:53:58,277 ♪ If there aren't, you can make them ♪ 1295 00:53:58,319 --> 00:54:00,154 ♪ Make or break them ♪ 1296 00:54:00,196 --> 00:54:04,533 ♪ I've got the brains, you've got the looks ♪ 1297 00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:07,787 ♪ Let's make lots of money ♪ 1298 00:54:10,581 --> 00:54:12,583 ♪ Let's make lots of ♪ 1299 00:54:20,466 --> 00:54:23,427 ♪ Money. ♪