1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,968 (car horn honking) 2 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:16,350 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:16,392 --> 00:00:18,394 (horn continues honking) 4 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,441 (women singing in German) 5 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:33,159 MOISHE: Oy, my ass. 7 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,869 SHIRLEY: I'm gonna be carsick. 8 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,829 We're here, Shirley. Your moment's passed. 9 00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:38,432 - Can I help you, Mr. Maisel? - Head towards the trunk. 10 00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:39,766 - Yes, sir. - The trunk. The trunk. 11 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:41,292 May I take your coat, Mrs. Maisel? 12 00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:42,668 - What? No. - Yes, ma'am. 13 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,295 It's 200 degrees outside, Shirl. 14 00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,880 - I'm fine. - BELLHOP: Front seat? 15 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,882 She's got our silver sewn into the lining. 16 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,967 - Don't tell them. - Follow me. 17 00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,445 - Yes, sir. - SHIRLEY: Careful with that. 18 00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:52,696 - Yes, ma'am. - Well, hello there. 19 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:53,822 - Did you have a nice trip? - Yes. 20 00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,365 - Take this. - Shirley, I need the keys. 21 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,616 - Okay, watch it, watch it. - The keys. The keys. 22 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:57,892 I've got it. 23 00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,619 SHIRLEY: What are you doing? Where are you going? 24 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:02,229 - I'm getting the keys. - He's getting the keys. Leave him alone. 25 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,981 - Do these go, too? - Of course. 26 00:01:04,023 --> 00:01:06,525 And the roasting pan. Where's the roasting pan? 27 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,778 The entire Catskills is a roasting pan. 28 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,071 - My God, the heat. - It is terrible. 29 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,741 - Here. How you doing? - Thank you. 30 00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:14,992 - Relaxed? - Yes. 31 00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:16,368 Taking it easy in your old age? 32 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,995 - I'll take these back... - Here we go. 33 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,997 - Don't drop them. - Don't drop anything. 34 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,999 They're dropping them. Oh, that's dropped. 35 00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:23,417 I think I left the iron on. 36 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,002 No, you didn't leave the iron on. 37 00:01:25,044 --> 00:01:26,855 Now, give these free clothes to all the workers. 38 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,297 - You understand? - Yes, sir. 39 00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:30,066 - Did I leave the iron on? - You didn't leave the iron on. 40 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,760 Maisel and Roth gave them all those brand-new, 41 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:35,262 slightly damaged but perfectly good free clothes. 42 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,680 Yes, that's why we don't tip. 43 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:38,116 You don't tell people that, Shirley. 44 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,327 SHIRLEY: Well, people wonder. An explanation never hurts. 45 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,977 MAN (over P.A.): Attention, Steinerites, 46 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,104 Moishe and Shirley Maisel have arrived. 47 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:47,691 (grimly): I repeat, they have arrived. 48 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:50,694 ♪ ♪ 49 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,297 But what about the lounge at the Concord? 50 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:54,382 - Any day for the rest of August. - MAN: Who is this broad? 51 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:56,659 The next big thing. Trust me, you won't be sorry. 52 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,494 MAN: I'm always sorry. Concord's booked. 53 00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,722 OPERATOR: To continue this call, please insert 30 cents. 54 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:03,207 Shit. Hold on. 55 00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:05,084 - Mel, you still there? - I'm still here. 56 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,961 What about the small stage at Kutshers? 57 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,146 - I heard you had an opening there. - From who? 58 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,005 Who cares? You got it or not? 59 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:11,942 OPERATOR: To continue this call, insert another 30 cents. 60 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,260 - I just gave you 30 cents. - Please insert 30 cents. 61 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,071 - I just... Shit! - 30 cents for the next minute. 62 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,763 Can you hold on a fuckin' minute?! 63 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,807 - MEL: Me? - No. 64 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,686 - There. Choke on it. - Me? 65 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,312 No, the bitch operator. 66 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:27,207 OPERATOR: I don't appreciate that kind of language, sir. 67 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,859 - I'm on a business call, lady. - That's not much of an apology. 68 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,987 - Get off the phone. - That will be another 30 cents, please. 69 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:35,906 You can't just randomly charge me money because you're mad. 70 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:38,200 - Oh, can't I? - MEL: Susie, I have a business to run. 71 00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:40,327 - I can't sit here all day. - What about Kutshers? 72 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,663 - (dial tone buzzing) - Hello? Shit! 73 00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:44,331 - (telephone rings) - Hello? 74 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,375 OPERATOR: You still owe 30... 75 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,472 - Hi there. - Uh, hi. 76 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,932 I'm Chester. 77 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,809 - Not a surprise. - Who are you? 78 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,644 - No one. - Right. 79 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,771 I'll call you Brenda. 80 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,231 I know what you're doing, Brenda. 81 00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:11,901 - What am I doing? - The plunger, brilliant. 82 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:13,360 I wish I'd thought of that. 83 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:15,821 - Hey, look, pal, I just work here. - Right. 84 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,698 - Me, too. - I do. 85 00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:18,699 I do, too. 86 00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:19,867 Look at this. Look at me. 87 00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:21,243 Do I look like I'm on vacation? 88 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:22,995 No, you don't. 89 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,038 Okay, then. 90 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,165 I've been hanging around this resort 91 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,208 for seven years, and this is the first time 92 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,127 I've ever encountered a like-minded person. 93 00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:31,462 We are not like-minded. 94 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,838 I know you, you know me. 95 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,089 I don't fucking know you. 96 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,233 We're kind of linked now, aren't we? 97 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:37,092 - No. - Crisscross, crisscross. 98 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:39,053 - Go away. - You're right. 99 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,805 It's probably best we don't exchange names, Brenda. 100 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:44,224 - Your name is Chester. - Is it? 101 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,851 Okay, I have to get away from you. 102 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,354 - God, we are so much alike. - We are nothing alike. 103 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,897 - Crisscross. - What are you... 104 00:03:49,939 --> 00:03:53,067 Crisscross. Crisscross. 105 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:56,737 ♪ Let's sing a song about Susie ♪ 106 00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:59,281 ♪ That pretty little witty little Susie ♪ 107 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,784 ♪ With the big brown eyes and the turned-up nose... ♪ 108 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,453 MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Simon Says. 109 00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:07,498 You know the rules. I'm Simon, I says. 110 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,875 - Okay? We're ready? - ALL: We're ready. 111 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:13,212 Simon says you touch your nose. Simon says you touch your toes. 112 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,674 Simon says touch your nose, touch your toes. Ha! 113 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,092 I didn't say "Simon says." 114 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:21,178 - WOMAN: Oh... - Simon says bend your knees. 115 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,847 - Simon says straighten... - Adam, how did you get out? 116 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,767 This isn't for you. This is grown-up time. 117 00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:30,521 - Simon says bark like a dog. - (all bark) 118 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:33,273 Simon says stop barking. Simon says right arm up. 119 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,067 Simon says left arm up. 120 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,903 Simon says right arm down, left arm down. Ah. 121 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,197 - I didn't say... - ALL: Simon says. 122 00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,991 I know, I know. 123 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:43,784 See you on the other side. 124 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:44,886 Simon says run in a circle. 125 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,246 Simon says stop. 126 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,747 Simon says run in a circle backwards. 127 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,166 Simon says stop. Simon says 128 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,752 jump up and down on one foot. 129 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,421 I'm gonna grab a sandwich. 130 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:58,632 (groans, laughter) 131 00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:04,388 Mm. Delicious. Okay, stop. 132 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:06,015 - Ha. - Fuck! 133 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,224 (all gasp) 134 00:05:07,266 --> 00:05:09,601 I think I pulled my... I snagged my... 135 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,103 Who else saw a bird? 136 00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:12,247 If you're out, get off the floor. 137 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,023 Yeah, I said it. 138 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,274 Simon says shake your tokus. 139 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,192 Since when does Buzz run Simon Says? 140 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,045 - What happened to Arnold? - He got married to a Catholic. 141 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,946 Works in the Hamptons now shucking oysters. 142 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,197 He was our cantor. 143 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:24,742 Oh, I never win anything. 144 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,827 Ah, well, cheer up, it's only the first round. 145 00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:28,972 - My God, is that Jack Bergen? - Simon says pound your chest... 146 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:32,207 - Mm, yes, it is. - What happened? 147 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,959 He had an entire head of hair last year. 148 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,295 - I know. - All the men here are going bald. 149 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,921 It must be the tomato juice. 150 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,441 If his father's bald, then he'll go bald. 151 00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:41,425 - That's the way it works. - That's depressing. 152 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:44,386 Bald men can be attractive. With the right hat. 153 00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:47,306 I'm just tired of looking at the same sad men every year. 154 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,642 The pool never gets wider. They're either bald 155 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,269 or married or... that. 156 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:55,564 - Simon says shimmy. - (laughter) 157 00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:56,940 Simon says stop. 158 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,609 What on earth is he doing? 159 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,736 Looks like he's heading to the cookies. 160 00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:01,921 GABI: He walked right through a room full of girls 161 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,447 and didn't look up once. 162 00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:04,698 He's so odd, that one. 163 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,492 Handsome, though. And single. 164 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:07,635 - GABI: With hair. - ELIANA: Lots of hair. 165 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:08,994 GABI: And his father has his hair. 166 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:11,014 - TALIA: And he's not married? - MIDGE: No, not married. 167 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,682 Guess it was hard to find a nice girl in prison. 168 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,042 - Prison? - Oh, yes. Just got out. 169 00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:17,044 That's impossible. For what? 170 00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:19,421 Only... (whispers) ...murder. 171 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:20,631 - (women gasp) - No. 172 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,925 Killed an entire family, and then left a bill. 173 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,277 Because he's a doctor. He expects to get paid 174 00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,385 for his services. 175 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,863 That's how they caught him. His surcharges. 176 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,680 Only one man in New York charges that much 177 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,724 - for a cotton ball. - Simon says clap your hands. 178 00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:33,102 You're kidding. 179 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,686 Yes. 180 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,271 (laughter) 181 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,107 MAN (over P.A.): Attention, Steinerites. 182 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,542 Will Miriam Mazel please report to building five? 183 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,360 What's building five? 184 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,338 - Miriam Mazel to building five. - That's that new building over there. 185 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,530 - Where? - Be right back. 186 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,199 Simon says spin like a dreidel. 187 00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:49,618 (indistinct chatter) 188 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,833 Paging me now, are you? 189 00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,835 Well, the kid who usually sneaks you my messages 190 00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:59,086 swallowed some lake water 191 00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,480 and his head blew up like a balloon. 192 00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:02,089 - That's terrible. - I know. 193 00:07:02,131 --> 00:07:03,608 He's so much harder to understand now. 194 00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,008 Mmm, fries. 195 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,427 It's been a real suck my donkey dick kind of day, boy. 196 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,364 Thought I had a line on a gig for you at Grossinger's, 197 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:10,931 but it was a bust. 198 00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:13,475 Then Lawrence Feldstein tells me they had a cancellation 199 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:14,893 at the small room at Kutshers, 200 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,287 but that turned out to be bullshit, too. 201 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,063 - What are you looking for? - Ketchup. 202 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,400 I'm calling everyone I know, just not having any luck. 203 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,651 What's going on with you? 204 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,361 Oh, my day's been crazy. 205 00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,713 This morning was waffle breakfast day, 206 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,340 which is very popular, and people get nuts. 207 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,134 You have to rush the condiment table really quick 208 00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:31,136 if you want to get your topping before your waffle gets cold. 209 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,078 After waffles, I lost $2.00 210 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,496 to Dorothy Kulgberg at ping-pong. 211 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,290 Took a class on how to do a Cleopatra eye, 212 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:39,084 which I soon discovered is one look I cannot pull off. 213 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,728 Then, right before I fucked up Simon Says, 214 00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,337 I had to rush back to the cottage to get 215 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,399 my brother and sister-in-law's room ready for their arrival, 216 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:45,733 and I completely lost track of time 217 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,134 and missed my pastels class. 218 00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,802 Oh, I wanted to take pastels class. 219 00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,263 - Really? - No. I don't give a fuck about pastels class. 220 00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,265 Do you hear yourself? Who has a day like that? 221 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:55,058 What are you, the lost Gabor sister? 222 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,911 You should be walking around with a boa and a Pomeranian. 223 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:58,061 Someone's crabby. 224 00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,479 I'm not crabby. 225 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,291 I'm hanging out in the woods trying to find you a gig. 226 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,585 Very similar to what I do back in New York, but with ticks. 227 00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:05,529 - And that's why you're grumpy? - I'm not grumpy. 228 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,672 - You seem grumpy. - I just want to land one of these gigs. 229 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,656 - That's it? - Yeah, that's it. 230 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:14,244 Plus, the other day, I turn around for a second 231 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:16,288 and somebody grabbed my plunger and uses it. 232 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:18,600 - Oh, no. - Doesn't even look to see if it belongs to anybody. 233 00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:19,893 The fuckin' tag was still on it. 234 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:22,794 - I'm so sorry. - Miriam, why are we still here? 235 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,689 I'm making call after call, nothing's happening. 236 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,006 I'm completely out of change, 237 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:27,424 and now I have to disguise my voice 238 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:28,484 every time I make a long-distance call. 239 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,552 Why? 240 00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,387 Mort Sahl is at the Copa. 241 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,865 Freddy Roman is at Basin Street East. 242 00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,641 Buddy Hackett's at the Blue Angel. 243 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,892 Your best friend Lenny Bruce 244 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,494 is at Upstairs at the Downstairs next week. 245 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,103 You know what the common denominator is? 246 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,022 Those comics are out there working at clubs. 247 00:08:42,064 --> 00:08:44,524 You're up here in the woods pretending to be a pony. 248 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:47,277 And who the fuck takes somebody else's plunger and uses it?! 249 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:49,029 What kind of a sick freak does that?! 250 00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,739 I know. I'm sorry. 251 00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:54,451 - What? - Nothing. 252 00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:55,887 My badminton team made the semifinals, 253 00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,537 and the tournament's in 25 minutes. 254 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,349 I have to do my pregame stretches, otherwise I'll... 255 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,792 - Go. - Fine. 256 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:07,214 MAN (over P.A.): Attention, any employee 257 00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:08,882 who wants to lead a game of freeze tag 258 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:12,552 this afternoon on the main lawn, see Gil at lunch. 259 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,773 (mouthing) 260 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,487 My parents gave us matching burial plots 261 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:31,655 for our anniversary. 262 00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:32,948 Oh, that's so nice. 263 00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,574 One less thing you have to think about. 264 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,743 - Where are they? - Florida. 265 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,620 I would love to be buried in Florida. 266 00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:40,372 Doesn't it sound wonderful, Rose? 267 00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:43,208 You being buried in Florida? I guess it does. 268 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,253 - Mama... - She asked a question, I answered a question. 269 00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,171 Moishe's insisting we get buried in Israel. 270 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,465 I could never be buried in the desert. 271 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,092 Oh, I do like dates, though. 272 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:53,969 I never want this conversation to end. 273 00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,345 Time to put you under. 274 00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:56,781 - Leave it alone. - SHIRLEY: Okay, girls, 275 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,849 talk loud enough so I can hear. 276 00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,809 I don't want to miss anything juicy. 277 00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:03,186 GOLDIE: Mrs. Maisel, are you still here? 278 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:05,188 Oh. There's a call for you. 279 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:09,401 Oh. Me? Thank you. 280 00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:12,446 - Hello? - Miriam Maisel, Mrs. O'Toole. 281 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,573 Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Toole. 282 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,509 I know you're on vacation, but two girls are out sick, 283 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,327 and one quit after I fired her. 284 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:20,871 I'm shorthanded. If you can get here by 3:00 today, 285 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,831 I can put you at the Revlon counter. 286 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:25,709 - The Revlon counter? - The Revlon counter. Can you get here? 287 00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,627 Yes, I can. I will. 288 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,564 We're talking about the same Revlon counter here, right? 289 00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:31,399 There's not a secret counter on the loading dock 290 00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:33,091 or next to the incinerator, is there? 291 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,011 There's only one Revlon counter at B. Altman. 292 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,387 - I will see you at 4:00. - 3:00. 293 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:40,057 3:00. Better. 3:00. Thank you. 294 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:41,558 I'm back in the show. 295 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,143 What? What show? 296 00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:44,620 There's an opening at the Revlon counter, 297 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,605 but I need to get back to the city by 3:00. 298 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,566 - Is Papa going back today? - No. He has no reason to. 299 00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:51,902 Shoot. Bus. I could take a bus. 300 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,780 - Have you ever taken a bus? - No, but how hard can it be? 301 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,365 Get on and sit. I can get on and sit. 302 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,743 Who has a bus schedule? Anyone have a bus schedule? 303 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,995 What's going on? Who died? Am I missing something? 304 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,330 No, Shirley, you're not. 305 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,539 How much would a cab ride be? 306 00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:05,916 - A lot? - Yes. 307 00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,834 - Can I walk? - Have you lost your mind? 308 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,628 It's the Revlon counter, Mama. 309 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,464 My son's going back today. You could ride with him. 310 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,758 - Benjamin? - Oh, that's all right, she's gonna walk. 311 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,927 - Mama, please. - Miriam, remember, he wouldn't row. 312 00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,470 I only care if he can drive. 313 00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:19,906 Just because he can doesn't mean he will. 314 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,973 A-Are you sure he's going back today, and soon? 315 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,101 Every year, Benjamin comes to the Catskills 316 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,477 with a box of cereal. 317 00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:27,479 When the cereal's done, he goes home. 318 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,564 He had his last bowl this morning. 319 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,376 Would you like me to ask him to drive you back? 320 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,652 - Do you think he'd mind? - Not at all. 321 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,921 I doubt he'll even know you're there. 322 00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,863 Perhaps if you were a box of cereal. 323 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,424 I'll call him and tell him you'll meet him in the driveway. 324 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,909 May I have the phone? You better hurry. 325 00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:42,994 He really hates the Catskills. 326 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,330 Thank you, Ida. Thank you so much. 327 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:46,873 Mama, I'll be back as soon as I can. 328 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,625 Ugh. 329 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,335 Spray me. 330 00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,213 Thanks. 331 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,924 Revlon counter! 332 00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,220 She really likes makeup. 333 00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:02,264 (indistinct chatter) 334 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,102 - Abe. - One moment, Jerome. 335 00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:09,563 There's a new indentation on the left side 336 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:10,665 of the middle third of the table. 337 00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:11,690 Were you aware of that? 338 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,316 It's just a game, Abe. 339 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:16,111 Oh, well, why play at all if it's just a game? 340 00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:17,863 - Oh, boy. - I play to win. 341 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,614 And to win, I need information. 342 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,199 I need to determine my best angles, 343 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,868 velocity, wind resistance. 344 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,579 We're inside, Abe. There is no wind resistance. 345 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,205 Ha, ha, you'd like me to believe that, 346 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,874 wouldn't you, Jerome? 347 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,878 Now, let's make sure this is regulation length. 348 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,921 ♪ ♪ 349 00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:41,761 ♪ Five months, two weeks, two days ♪ 350 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:43,305 ♪ My lovin' baby's been gone ♪ 351 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,725 ♪ Five months, two weeks, two days ♪ 352 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,351 ♪ My lovin' baby's been gone ♪ 353 00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:49,603 ♪ If you see my baby ♪ 354 00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:51,688 ♪ Please send her home to me ♪ 355 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,525 ♪ Hurry, oh, oh, baby ♪ 356 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:57,819 ♪ Hurry, oh, oh, baby ♪ 357 00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,739 ♪ Hurry, oh, oh, baby... ♪ 358 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,949 Enough with the showing off already. 359 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:05,660 It's not showing off, it's just being a god amongst men. 360 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:06,953 You're amazing, Joel. 361 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,288 All those pins just flying around 362 00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:09,831 like they were scared of your ball. 363 00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:12,125 - Could you teach me to do that? - I can teach you. 364 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,419 How he hell are you gonna teach her? You can't bowl. 365 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,588 If I can't... and I'm not saying I can't... 366 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:18,381 it's only because I'm spending too much time 367 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:20,133 running my own very successful business. 368 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,468 You have your own business? 369 00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:22,844 - Aluminum siding. - What's that? 370 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,739 It's what you use to beat yourself to death with 371 00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:26,199 while Robbie tells you about his business. 372 00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,390 (women laugh) 373 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,518 And it's his father's business, FYI. 374 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,979 - You should talk. - True. I work for my father. 375 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,564 He manufactures women's clothes. 376 00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:35,857 - Really? - Shit. 377 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,442 - Do you get discounts? - Of course. 378 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,569 - Teach me to bowl, Joel. - It's pretty easy. 379 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:42,614 I know nothing. I wouldn't know where to put my fingers. 380 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,992 She wants me to show her where to put her fingers. 381 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,495 My chances are fair to good. Let's play. 382 00:13:48,537 --> 00:13:49,788 Thank God. 383 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,790 Listen to me, you mashugana alta kaka. 384 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,126 You do not tell me what I should know! I know! 385 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711 I want what I paid for. 386 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,797 You hear me, you goddamn schvantz? 387 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,091 Hold on. Hello, putz. 388 00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:04,553 You cheating, lying... No, no, no, don't even try to... 389 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:08,139 Abi gezunt dos leben ken zikh ale mol nemen. 390 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,808 I will not retract that! 391 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,269 - Moishe. - Hold on. You need a phone? 392 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,020 No, I don't need the phone. 393 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,356 You shouldn't be conducting work up here. 394 00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:18,358 That is not what the Catskills is for. 395 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,235 - It's not. - No. 396 00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,945 The Catskills is a time to unwind. 397 00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:23,280 It's a sanctuary from work. 398 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,740 - Do you see us working? - I do not see you working. 399 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,552 - There you go. - I don't see you doing anything. 400 00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:30,287 I see two men standing around a toy. 401 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,746 It is not a toy. 402 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,082 I apologize if my work has upset your playtime, 403 00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:35,417 but in my business, 404 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,377 we're not so lucky to get the whole summer off, 405 00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:38,795 like some people. 406 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,463 We don't have ivory towers 407 00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:42,549 and uncalloused hands. 408 00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:46,761 In my business, a man sweats and stinks till he dies. 409 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,847 All right, thank you for explaining that to me, 410 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,976 but I have to insist that you stop yelling into two telephones... 411 00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:55,353 because, clearly, yelling into one isn't enough... 412 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,355 while other people are trying to relax. 413 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,316 All right, I'm sorry. 414 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:02,319 I'll tell the two thieves who were trying to take food 415 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,154 out of my family's mouth that they win. 416 00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,864 - Thank you. - They can continue 417 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,116 to rape and pillage as they see fit. 418 00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:09,385 You're still holding two phones. 419 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:13,038 Fuck you. I'll call you back. Good? 420 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,372 Great. 421 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:19,085 - If you'll excuse me. - JOEL: So you hold the ball up. 422 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,587 RUTHIE: It's so heavy. 423 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,130 It's seven pounds. It's a turkey. 424 00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,381 You make a turkey? 425 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,926 I make a great turkey. You would love my turkey. 426 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,678 I'm allergic to turkey. 427 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,222 So, anyhow, you walk up to the edge of the lane 428 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,934 and throw the ball toward the pins. 429 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,853 Wow. 430 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,313 You're a natural. 431 00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:41,107 MAN (over P.A.): Attention, Mrs. Greenstein, 432 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:43,151 your husband is waiting for you on the main porch. 433 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:45,612 He says he'll wait five more minutes. 434 00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,115 - Hi. - Hello. 435 00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:50,408 Thank you so much for this. 436 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,077 You have no idea how important this is. 437 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,846 Yes, I heard something about the Revlon counter. 438 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,723 Well, it's more about where the Revlon counter is. 439 00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,558 - Where is it? - It's in the makeup department. 440 00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,126 The makeup department! You should've told me. 441 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,461 - You sure this is okay? - What? 442 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,004 You giving me a ride. 443 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,523 Seems like a moral imperative if we're talking 444 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:05,674 about the makeup counter. 445 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,133 - Is that all? - Yes. 446 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,362 BENJAMIN: You travel light. You'd do well in a covered wagon 447 00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:11,930 or fleeing Egypt. 448 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,908 - Anyone need to go potty? - MIDGE: I'm fine. Thanks. 449 00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:15,576 BENJAMIN: Lives are at stake. I don't stop. 450 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,768 MIDGE: I'm like a camel. 451 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,812 Okay, here we go. 452 00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:23,196 So is there a sale at the Revlon counter or...? 453 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,609 MIDGE: Oh, boy. 454 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,404 Abe, I'm begging you, I'm not a well man. 455 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,948 In such a hurry to lose, Jerome? 456 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,826 Cigar smoking is not allowed in the rec room, you know that. 457 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,244 JOEL: Ruthie, focus. 458 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:35,870 Look down there, not at me, okay? 459 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,790 - Just aim for the middle pin. - Like this? 460 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:41,543 Not till the guy's done resetting the pins. Jesus. 461 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,420 - Sorry, Bill. - BILL: That's okay. 462 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:46,881 Here. Now when the guy's done, aim for the pins. 463 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,801 - Aren't you gonna watch me? - Like a fucking hawk. 464 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,028 - You having a good time? - Sure. 465 00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:52,363 - BILL: Oh, Jesus! - (pins clatter) 466 00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:55,098 - He wasn't done yet, Ruthie. - RUTHIE: He looked done. 467 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:57,934 - Nice girl. - Sure. Why not? 468 00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,769 A lot of nice girls here this year. 469 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:02,731 I'll take your word for it. Avi, you're up. 470 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:05,567 Nice looking, too. Girls over there, for example. 471 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:08,319 Here comes another 8-10 split from the mighty Gardenswartz. 472 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,822 (pins clatter) - They seem very interested in you. 473 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,115 - Who does? - The girls. 474 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,869 They want to learn to bowl. 475 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,996 They're flirting. Why aren't you flirting back? 476 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,330 I let them bowl a frame. 477 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,040 Look, Valentino, you're single now. 478 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:23,835 - You're up, Maisel. - Just in the nick of time. 479 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,879 Hey, smart ass, I'm an old man, but I know things. 480 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,255 I rarely give you advice. 481 00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:29,150 You remember the last piece of advice I gave you? 482 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:31,342 - Don't get the clap. - Came in handy, didn't it? 483 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,845 I'm fine. Don't worry about me. 484 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:37,098 MAN (over P.A.): Attention, Mrs. Greenstein, 485 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,893 Mr. Greenstein will wait five more minutes, 486 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,227 but that's it. 487 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:45,106 No! My calculations must be off. 488 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,650 I need a sharpener. 489 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,652 Sharpener! 490 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,529 NEWS ANNOUNCER: 1959 saw the bird of war 491 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,406 erupting in the Middle East. 492 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:56,409 In Cairo, cheering crowds greeted President al-Quwatli 493 00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,912 of Syria as he arrived to sign a pact 494 00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:00,580 with President Nasser of Egypt 495 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:03,082 establishing the United Arab League. 496 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,418 The U.S. embassy in Moscow was a target 497 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,921 of the carefully planned demonstration to protest 498 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,715 the presence of American troops in Lebanon. 499 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,842 ...who emerged from the welter of red intrigue 500 00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:14,844 to rule alone with supreme power 501 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:18,556 after his buddy, Premier Bulganin, was retiring. 502 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,726 Kamoi loomed large in the news when the Chinese reds announced 503 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,020 that they were extending their territorial water limit 504 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,856 to 12 miles, which took in Kamoi, 505 00:18:26,898 --> 00:18:29,484 a bastion in the defense of nationalist Formosa. 506 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,110 (radio switching channels) 507 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:34,072 ♪ Hold my hand, baby, just once in a while ♪ 508 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,867 ♪ That's all need, that's all I need ♪ 509 00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:40,078 - ♪ And I'll be sa... ♪ - (radio switching channels) 510 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,830 NEWS ANNOUNCER: Alaska became the 49th 511 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:44,582 and largest American state. Bought from Russia in 18... 512 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,252 There are renewed calls today for real estate developer 513 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,797 Robert Moses to step down as Chairman of New York City's 514 00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:52,924 committee on slum clearance. 515 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:55,385 The demands came after Mr. Moses dismissed 516 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,804 the city's billion dollar Title One program 517 00:18:57,846 --> 00:19:00,098 as a dead duck. 518 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,433 (radio static) 519 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,185 (radio turns off) 520 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:09,440 Moses's mother, the only person in New York City 521 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,818 who still likes him, came to her son's defense, 522 00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:14,153 insisting that his remark was misconstrued 523 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,864 and that the phrase "dead duck" 524 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,032 has positive connotations for him. 525 00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:19,742 She said that little Robbie Moses 526 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:22,036 carried his deceased duck Quackers to school with him 527 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:24,622 each day for company at playtime and slept with it at night. 528 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,666 The duck was alive when it was given to him, 529 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:27,876 Mrs. Moses clarified, 530 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,460 but little Robert snapped its neck 531 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,797 when it waddled between him and a dollar bill. 532 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,592 In other news, Hawaii is now a state. 533 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,969 A few Jewish women are campaigning to have it moved 534 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,929 to an area off the coast of Long Island 535 00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:42,390 because that's a long flight. 536 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,561 This just in, 537 00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,855 religion is being replaced by news radio 538 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,900 as the opiate of the masses because, much like opiates, 539 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,319 it puts people to sleep. 540 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,321 We interrupt our previously scheduled program 541 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,698 to bring you this: the world is ending. 542 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:01,784 Everything's bad. The Russians have landed. 543 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,162 Does anyone actually like borscht? 544 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,872 A Frenchman, a Yankee, and a Ruskie 545 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:07,790 walk into a bar in Geneva... 546 00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,084 ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ 547 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:12,045 ♪ That's all I need ♪ 548 00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:14,380 ♪ That's all I need, and I'll be ♪ 549 00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:17,634 ♪ So satisfied, and I'll... ♪ 550 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:19,802 That Kutsher's lead turned out to be a total bust. 551 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,447 Apparently, everything's booked till doomsday. 552 00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:22,805 Really? Sorry, Susie. 553 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,557 I thought for sure that was a good tip. 554 00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:26,726 It was a shit tip. I don't need a shit tip. 555 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,103 I need a real tip that leads to a real club date. 556 00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:30,581 You work at the fucking Morris agency. 557 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,357 - In accounting. - Who cares? 558 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,084 You stand at the urinals with those dicks and their dicks. 559 00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,711 You hear them talk. Now give me something. 560 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,070 I don't know why I'm helping you. 561 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,213 Because you hate that place. 562 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,572 I hate that fucking place. 563 00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:40,883 And helping me is screwing them. 564 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:43,493 You know, I actually used to sing. 565 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:46,412 Folk songs, show tunes, did a lot of industrials. 566 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,830 I loved it. 567 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:49,683 - Well, you must've been great. - I wasn't bad. 568 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,210 - I was being sarcastic. - My cousin worked at the agency. 569 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,295 I covered for him while he went on his honeymoon. 570 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,839 His wife murdered him in Panama, so... 571 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,716 Fred, I promise, if you never tell me anything 572 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,010 about your personal life again and a tip you give me 573 00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,072 actually leads to anything, I will give you a taste. 574 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,889 Now just give me something, something good, 575 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:08,518 something that... 576 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:09,769 Uh... 577 00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:14,148 is here... 578 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:16,192 in the Catskills, something soon. 579 00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:18,695 FRED: Oh, I got something. Does your comic work blue? 580 00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:20,255 She'll work any fucking color you want. 581 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,156 The Concord may have a midnight spot available. 582 00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:23,533 It's their dirty spot 583 00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:25,201 and the guy they booked just found Jesus. 584 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,387 They're looking for a replacement. 585 00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:27,745 I'll, uh, I'll get you the number. 586 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,264 - Excuse me? What are you... - Plunger. 587 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,249 - Oh, sorry. - Okay, go ahead. 588 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,929 Thank you. 589 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,824 - You're a very decent gentleman. - Blame my mother. 590 00:21:46,848 --> 00:21:49,201 I'll buy you a drink back in the Catskills, a thank you drink. 591 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,269 Oh, no. I've done my Catskills time for the year. 592 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,646 I'm not buying another box of cereal until January. 593 00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:58,609 Oh. Okay. Well, then I guess, until next year. 594 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:01,696 Hey. 595 00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:08,411 I have tickets to a Broadway show. 596 00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:09,662 - Oh, yeah? - Tomorrow night. 597 00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:11,098 New play, a patient gave them to me. 598 00:22:11,122 --> 00:22:12,457 So you work on the barter system? 599 00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:13,600 People think if they buy me things, 600 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:14,768 I'll work harder to keep them alive. 601 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,420 - Are they right? - Yes. So... 602 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:20,214 - So... - Would you like to go? 603 00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:23,634 Do you... like me? 604 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:26,763 I don't know. 605 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,307 If you go, can you possibly stay quiet that long? 606 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,017 I don't know. 607 00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:34,520 Fair enough. So, tomorrow, 7:00, Adelphi Theatre? 608 00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:36,314 - 7:30? I'm coming from work. - Okay. 609 00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:40,693 Okay. Wow. What's gonna happen? 610 00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:48,910 ♪ S'wonderful, s'marvelous ♪ 611 00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:52,622 ♪ You should care for me ♪ 612 00:22:52,663 --> 00:22:55,917 ♪ Awfully nice, s'paradise ♪ 613 00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:58,544 ♪ S'what I long to see... ♪ 614 00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:00,171 - You showed. - You doubted? 615 00:23:00,213 --> 00:23:01,857 Your shoes match your purse. How does that happen? 616 00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,508 - Witchcraft. - Hmm... 617 00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:05,676 ♪ You can't blame me for feeling amorous ♪ 618 00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:06,928 ♪ S'wonderful. ♪ 619 00:23:06,969 --> 00:23:08,888 LIZZIE: My father had many enemies. 620 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:10,765 He was rich. They wanted his money. 621 00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:13,184 SEWELL: Then you do not include yourself among his enemies. 622 00:23:13,226 --> 00:23:16,104 DR. STONE: I refuse to allow this to go on. She is not well. 623 00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,705 LIZZIE: Mr. Phipps, please take me home. 624 00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:19,291 PHIPPS: You talk of protecting this girl... 625 00:23:19,315 --> 00:23:20,942 I think she needs protection from you. 626 00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,527 SEWELL: Wait! Clerk, call the officer. 627 00:23:22,568 --> 00:23:24,880 - PHIPPS: What is to be done? - SEWELL: What else can I do? 628 00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:27,115 Place Miss Lizzie Borden under arrest. 629 00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:32,537 - I really like the theatre. - I do, too. 630 00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:35,414 Sitting in a dark room, everyone enjoying a story. 631 00:23:35,456 --> 00:23:39,418 - There's electricity in the air. - Agreed. 632 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:42,338 And this play, I mean, it's got everything: 633 00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:45,383 - curtains, lights. - A floor. 634 00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:47,635 It does have a floor. 635 00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,137 - I'm just wondering... - Yes? 636 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:51,013 Why did they make a play about Lizzie Borden? 637 00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:52,473 There's not a lot of story there. 638 00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:53,683 40 whacks, 41 whacks... 639 00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:56,227 And why did they put the murder in the first act? 640 00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:58,729 I mean, isn't that the whole big thing that happens? 641 00:23:58,771 --> 00:23:59,730 Well, the clean up was quite extensive. 642 00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:02,316 - But what's the second act? - Oh, no. 643 00:24:02,358 --> 00:24:04,152 - What? - Act two's a trial. 644 00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:05,570 - Shit! - I hate trials. 645 00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:07,196 All that ridiculous Perry Mason crap. 646 00:24:07,238 --> 00:24:08,423 The "I object" and "Your Honor, may I approach?" 647 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,700 And the banging with the gavel. 648 00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:13,327 - And the righteous district attorney. - I hate district attorneys. 649 00:24:13,369 --> 00:24:15,514 And somebody's gonna get up and give a big dramatic speech. 650 00:24:15,538 --> 00:24:17,432 - Where the actor spits on you. - They have to spit on you. 651 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,434 - It's not dramatic unless they spit on you. - I've been to real trials. 652 00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,728 No one gives a dramatic speech, but they still spit on you. 653 00:24:21,752 --> 00:24:23,337 (bell chimes) 654 00:24:23,379 --> 00:24:24,881 Wait, what are you doing? 655 00:24:24,922 --> 00:24:26,591 I'm finished with it anyhow. 656 00:24:26,632 --> 00:24:28,551 - We're not going back, are we? - Aren't we? 657 00:24:28,593 --> 00:24:31,053 - No. - We can't just leave. 658 00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:33,806 Didn't you hear all that stuff we just said? 659 00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:36,058 Perry Mason, trials, speeches, spitting? 660 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:37,310 Yes, but it's a play. 661 00:24:37,351 --> 00:24:38,978 You have to sit through the whole play. 662 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:41,230 - Who says? - The play police. 663 00:24:41,272 --> 00:24:43,149 I am not sitting through any more of this. 664 00:24:43,191 --> 00:24:45,443 But what if the actors notice that our seats are empty? 665 00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,320 They've seen this play. They'll understand. 666 00:24:47,361 --> 00:24:49,715 Hell, they expect it. They'll be confused if we do come back. 667 00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:52,408 I've never walked out halfway through a play before. 668 00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:54,035 I feel a little dirty, 669 00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:56,245 like-like, we could go back in and we're not. 670 00:24:56,287 --> 00:24:59,707 I feel so grown up, so alive. 671 00:24:59,749 --> 00:25:01,626 Wait till you throw your program in the trash. 672 00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:03,461 My God. 673 00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:06,422 My God, my God, my God. We're leaving. 674 00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:09,842 - Well, don't be a jerk about it. - Sorry. 675 00:25:09,884 --> 00:25:11,177 Oh, I know where we can go. 676 00:25:11,219 --> 00:25:12,553 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 677 00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:13,679 please welcome to the stage 678 00:25:13,721 --> 00:25:16,974 the one, the only Lenny Bruce! 679 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:19,018 (cheers and applause) 680 00:25:24,398 --> 00:25:27,026 LENNY: All right. 681 00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:30,571 Now, Sunday, 682 00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:34,700 Christ and Moses fly to New York, transcontinental. 683 00:25:34,742 --> 00:25:38,454 $88 to Chicago, $35 to bet. All right. 684 00:25:38,496 --> 00:25:40,248 Let's see, they'd say, uh, 685 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:42,750 "Oh, what's playing at Saint Pat's?" 686 00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:46,379 Oh, good double-bill, Spellman and Sheen. Nice one. 687 00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,798 ♪ Mr. Spellman and Mr. Sheen. ♪ 688 00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:51,259 - (vocalizing) All right. - (laughter) 689 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:54,762 Now, Christ and Moses 690 00:25:54,804 --> 00:25:56,764 both possessed humility. 691 00:25:56,806 --> 00:25:59,684 Why? Wisdom. That's it. 692 00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:02,186 Anybody who is secure, there's never any hostility 693 00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:03,813 'cause he's cool. 694 00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:07,066 So they just stand there, in the back of St. Patrick's, 695 00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:10,278 and they'd listen, look around. 696 00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:13,739 Cardinal Spellman would be relating love and giving 697 00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:15,574 and forgiveness to the people. 698 00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:20,371 - And Christ would be confused... - (soft laughter) 699 00:26:20,413 --> 00:26:24,041 ...because their route took them through Spanish Harlem 700 00:26:24,083 --> 00:26:27,420 and he would wonder what 40 Puerto Ricans were doing 701 00:26:27,461 --> 00:26:29,880 living in one room and this guy had a ring on 702 00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:31,090 that was worth eight grand. 703 00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:33,092 (laughter) 704 00:26:33,134 --> 00:26:36,012 And he'd wonder at the grandeur. 705 00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:39,724 "So why aren't the Puerto Ricans living here? 706 00:26:39,765 --> 00:26:42,893 It's clean and nice and what does it all mean?" 707 00:26:42,935 --> 00:26:46,480 And maybe Bishop Sheen would see them in the back there, 708 00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:49,317 and he would run up to Spellman on the lectern. 709 00:26:49,358 --> 00:26:51,569 "Psst, I want to talk to you a minute." 710 00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:52,987 "What is it?" 711 00:26:53,029 --> 00:26:55,132 "What is it? Oh, you're never gonna guess who's here." 712 00:26:55,156 --> 00:26:56,615 "Who's here?" 713 00:26:56,657 --> 00:26:58,468 "You're not gonna believe me, you're gonna think 714 00:26:58,492 --> 00:26:59,660 I've been drinking." 715 00:26:59,702 --> 00:27:00,661 "All right, who's here?" 716 00:27:00,703 --> 00:27:01,912 (exhales) 717 00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,998 "Christ and Moses." 718 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,208 "Are you putting me on, now?" 719 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:07,436 "I'm telling you they're here." 720 00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:09,045 "Are you sure it's them?" 721 00:27:09,086 --> 00:27:10,522 "Well, I've only seen them in pictures, 722 00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:12,089 "but I'm pretty sure it's them. 723 00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:14,800 "Moses is a ringer for Charlton Heston, and, uh, 724 00:27:14,842 --> 00:27:15,968 I'm sure." 725 00:27:16,010 --> 00:27:17,029 "Where are they standing?" 726 00:27:17,053 --> 00:27:18,220 "In the back. 727 00:27:18,262 --> 00:27:20,139 Don't look now, you idiot. They can see us." 728 00:27:20,181 --> 00:27:23,309 "All right, give me a direct line to Rome, quickly. 729 00:27:23,351 --> 00:27:27,730 "Hello? John, it's Fran in New York. 730 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:30,441 "Yes, uh, listen. A couple of kids dropped in, and, uh, 731 00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:32,068 "uh, well, you know them. 732 00:27:32,109 --> 00:27:35,154 "Uh, one kid is, uh, well, he's... I'll... 733 00:27:35,196 --> 00:27:38,908 ♪ With a cross of bop-bop... ♪ 734 00:27:38,949 --> 00:27:41,118 "No, not Zoro. 735 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,412 "Him. That's right. 736 00:27:43,454 --> 00:27:46,499 "He brought a very attractive Jewish boy with him. 737 00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:48,334 "Well, you got to do something. 738 00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:51,837 "I... No. Well, put him up at your place. 739 00:27:51,879 --> 00:27:53,881 "Huh? Yeah, they're in the back. 740 00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:55,383 "The... way in the back. 741 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:57,301 Of course they're white." 742 00:27:57,343 --> 00:27:59,345 (laughter) 743 00:28:02,556 --> 00:28:04,642 ...my lawyer gives me a thumbs-up. 744 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,644 Thank you, good night. 745 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:08,687 (cheers and applause) 746 00:28:11,148 --> 00:28:13,150 - So? - So what? 747 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:15,152 You just saw Lenny Bruce. What did you think? 748 00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:16,862 Funny. And he didn't spit once. 749 00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:19,698 He's brilliant. He gets arrested for the things he says. 750 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:21,617 Can you imagine? Arresting a comedian. 751 00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,220 Anyone who makes people think for themselves 752 00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:24,620 is very dangerous. 753 00:28:24,662 --> 00:28:26,330 - Deep. - I am very deep. 754 00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:29,542 And on call. I have to check in with the hospital. 755 00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:31,043 - You'll excuse me a minute? - Yep. 756 00:28:31,085 --> 00:28:33,337 Order me another one of these? (clears throat) 757 00:28:33,379 --> 00:28:36,549 ♪ My baby don't care for ♪ 758 00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:39,385 ♪ Cars and races ♪ 759 00:28:39,427 --> 00:28:45,099 ♪ My baby don't care for ♪ 760 00:28:45,141 --> 00:28:49,603 ♪ High-tone places... ♪ 761 00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,605 You threw something at my head. 762 00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:53,107 It was an olive. 763 00:28:53,149 --> 00:28:56,068 You threw an olive at my head. 764 00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:58,904 I don't know if you've heard, but I've become very litigious. 765 00:28:58,946 --> 00:29:01,073 - You were great. - Well, it happens. 766 00:29:01,115 --> 00:29:02,908 Did I know you were coming tonight? 767 00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:04,535 You didn't get my homing pigeon? 768 00:29:04,577 --> 00:29:06,912 Oh, that's right. 769 00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:09,457 - It's nice to see you. - Nice to see you, too. 770 00:29:09,498 --> 00:29:11,834 - You look good. - Well, I clean up nice. 771 00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:14,128 - How are you? - Out on bail. 772 00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:16,547 - No, seriously. - No, seriously. I am out on bail. 773 00:29:16,589 --> 00:29:18,007 How are you? You working? 774 00:29:18,048 --> 00:29:19,484 I've been doing some gigs here and there. 775 00:29:19,508 --> 00:29:20,926 Right now I'm up in the Catskills. 776 00:29:20,968 --> 00:29:22,344 Borscht Belt, huh? 777 00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:24,472 You know, what, uh, resorts are you playing? 778 00:29:24,513 --> 00:29:26,891 Steiner, but I'm not working there, I'm with my family. 779 00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,726 - Voluntarily? - Yep. They go every year. 780 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:30,728 Well, that sounds terrible. 781 00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:33,731 Yeah... I'm noticing more than one glass here. 782 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,859 - I'm with someone. - A date? 783 00:29:36,901 --> 00:29:38,861 Possibly. Jury's still out. 784 00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:40,279 What, where is he, this date? 785 00:29:40,321 --> 00:29:42,281 He had to check in. He's on call. 786 00:29:42,323 --> 00:29:43,923 You're kidding. You went to the Catskills 787 00:29:43,949 --> 00:29:45,326 and you bagged yourself a doctor? 788 00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:47,286 Your parents must be kvelling. 789 00:29:47,328 --> 00:29:49,622 I haven't bagged him. One date. 790 00:29:49,663 --> 00:29:52,041 Does he know? 791 00:29:52,082 --> 00:29:53,209 Know what? 792 00:29:53,250 --> 00:29:54,752 That you've been corrupted. 793 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:57,880 Lured to the dark side of the microphone. 794 00:29:57,922 --> 00:29:59,423 One date. 795 00:29:59,465 --> 00:30:00,484 Do you really think you can go back 796 00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,092 to making Jell-O molds again? 797 00:30:02,134 --> 00:30:03,904 Uh, I don't know. I make a hell of a Jell-O mold. 798 00:30:03,928 --> 00:30:07,097 I bet you do. Oh, well, I bet he's a very nice man 799 00:30:07,139 --> 00:30:09,725 and that he'll remember to bring in the barrels like clockwork. 800 00:30:09,767 --> 00:30:12,770 - Everyone alive? - Everyone who owes me money, yes. 801 00:30:12,811 --> 00:30:16,232 - Hello, Doctor. - Benjamin Ettenberg, meet Lenny Bruce. 802 00:30:16,273 --> 00:30:17,650 Hello. I enjoyed your act. 803 00:30:17,691 --> 00:30:21,028 Ah. That was no act. 804 00:30:22,279 --> 00:30:25,824 All right. I have to be going. 805 00:30:25,866 --> 00:30:27,326 It was nice to meet you, Benjamin. 806 00:30:27,368 --> 00:30:29,703 Uh, this table is on me. 807 00:30:29,745 --> 00:30:32,706 Buy her a soda. And have her home by 10:00. 808 00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:35,709 (chuckles) 809 00:30:35,751 --> 00:30:37,711 (mouths) 810 00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:39,463 ♪ Is something he can't see ♪ 811 00:30:39,505 --> 00:30:41,632 ♪ I wonder what's wrong... ♪ 812 00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:47,948 - The good booth's free. Come on. - Good booth? What's the good booth? 813 00:30:47,972 --> 00:30:49,491 - They all look the same. - Move quick. Stay close. 814 00:30:49,515 --> 00:30:50,891 - Hey, Midge. - Hey, Kitter. 815 00:30:50,933 --> 00:30:52,369 Wow, look at the size of that sandwich. 816 00:30:52,393 --> 00:30:53,936 - Don't get distracted. - Hello, Midge. 817 00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:56,146 - Hello, Zundee. - Midge, the good booth is open. 818 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:58,357 - I see it. - I'll head off the couple from Jersey. 819 00:30:58,399 --> 00:31:01,819 - Good girl. - That booth's taken, honey. 820 00:31:04,113 --> 00:31:05,906 (whoops) Made it. Here. 821 00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:09,285 - Five bucks. - Told you: never bet me. I never lose. 822 00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:11,870 Yeah, yeah. 823 00:31:11,912 --> 00:31:13,455 Danny Kaye is Jewish. 824 00:31:13,497 --> 00:31:16,625 Does your family own this restaurant, or something? 825 00:31:16,667 --> 00:31:19,128 - No. Why? - You just seem to know everyone here. 826 00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:22,423 What? No. Uh, some quick menu tips: great sandwiches, 827 00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:25,050 good soups, stay away from the Italian specialties, 828 00:31:25,092 --> 00:31:26,844 unless you like mediocre Greek food. 829 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,847 Got it. 830 00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:32,433 - So Lenny Bruce... - We did not. 831 00:31:32,474 --> 00:31:34,101 Had to ask. I think I'll get the brisket. 832 00:31:34,143 --> 00:31:35,728 SOLLY: Midge. Mid-September, two spots. 833 00:31:35,769 --> 00:31:38,105 - I'll call Susie. - Thanks, Solly. 834 00:31:38,147 --> 00:31:40,983 My hairdresser. 835 00:31:41,025 --> 00:31:46,030 So I'm thinking, if this night continues to go in the direction 836 00:31:46,071 --> 00:31:48,449 it's currently headed, we should have dinner next week. 837 00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:50,951 Cloth napkins, bathroom attendants. What do you say? 838 00:31:50,993 --> 00:31:52,345 I'd even spring to go back and see the second act 839 00:31:52,369 --> 00:31:53,829 of Lizzie Borden if you want. 840 00:31:53,871 --> 00:31:55,473 Maybe it wasn't a trial. Maybe it was a musical, 841 00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:57,333 - or a puppet show. - I'm a comedian. 842 00:31:57,374 --> 00:31:59,501 - You're a... - I'm a standup. I do comedy. 843 00:31:59,543 --> 00:32:01,712 I go to clubs at night and tell jokes. 844 00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:03,714 - Like Lenny Bruce. - Like Lenny Bruce. 845 00:32:03,756 --> 00:32:05,799 Well, not as good as Lenny Bruce... yet. 846 00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:08,069 - So you don't work at B. Altman? - No, I work at B. Altman. 847 00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:10,095 I don't make any money from comedy, yet. 848 00:32:10,137 --> 00:32:12,056 So B. Altman's my day job. And it's a secret. 849 00:32:12,097 --> 00:32:14,141 - B. Altman's a secret? - Comedy is a secret. 850 00:32:14,183 --> 00:32:15,851 - Okay. - No one knows. 851 00:32:15,893 --> 00:32:17,936 Except Solly. He's a booker. 852 00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:19,730 And Verla. She knows. 853 00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:21,148 Benny, Jo-Jo, they know. 854 00:32:21,190 --> 00:32:22,667 Basically, that whole side of the place. 855 00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:25,361 They know. And Joel, my ex. 856 00:32:25,402 --> 00:32:28,072 He knows. He actually saw me perform one night. 857 00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,698 That's why we're not together anymore. 858 00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,700 But no one else. Well, Susie. 859 00:32:31,742 --> 00:32:33,553 She's the one you see walking around Steiner with the plunger. 860 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:35,162 She's my manager. 861 00:32:35,204 --> 00:32:36,973 Your manager is walking around Steiner with a plunger? 862 00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:38,391 I don't know a lot about show business, 863 00:32:38,415 --> 00:32:39,934 but perhaps you need a different manager. 864 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,669 No. She's great. We're partners. 865 00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:43,587 And... Lenny. He knows. 866 00:32:43,629 --> 00:32:45,339 So it's not a terribly well-kept secret. 867 00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:48,175 I'm going to tell my family soon, after vacation. 868 00:32:48,217 --> 00:32:49,802 But I haven't yet. 869 00:32:49,843 --> 00:32:51,529 So that thing you did in the car, the radio thing? 870 00:32:51,553 --> 00:32:52,888 That was one of your bits? 871 00:32:52,930 --> 00:32:55,808 - No. I was just riffing. - Huh. 872 00:32:55,849 --> 00:32:57,518 I just thought 873 00:32:57,559 --> 00:33:01,897 if we are going to do whatever we're going to do, 874 00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:05,442 then you should know I am a comic. 875 00:33:05,484 --> 00:33:08,278 A comic. 876 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,114 Mm-hmm. 877 00:33:10,155 --> 00:33:12,825 (radio playing faintly) 878 00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:14,868 Weird. 879 00:33:18,872 --> 00:33:20,374 So how's the meatloaf? 880 00:33:20,416 --> 00:33:21,917 - Do you like meatloaf? - I do. 881 00:33:21,959 --> 00:33:23,961 Then keep on looking. 882 00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:30,676 (phone ringing) 883 00:33:35,472 --> 00:33:37,057 Hello? 884 00:33:37,099 --> 00:33:38,326 What the fuck are you doing in New York 885 00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:39,518 and I'm in the Catskills? 886 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,287 - Oh. I had to come back. - And you didn't tell me? 887 00:33:41,311 --> 00:33:43,248 - Wha... I'm sorry. - I came up here because of you. 888 00:33:43,272 --> 00:33:44,791 - I know. - I looked all over this nightmare place 889 00:33:44,815 --> 00:33:46,066 trying to find you. 890 00:33:46,108 --> 00:33:47,568 I went to bingo and bunny hop 891 00:33:47,609 --> 00:33:49,319 and color your face. Nowhere. 892 00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:50,961 - Susie... - I went to the beauty parlor, 893 00:33:50,988 --> 00:33:52,507 and the indoor skating rink... a skating rink, 894 00:33:52,531 --> 00:33:53,991 in the middle of summer. 895 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,701 What group of total and complete assholes 896 00:33:55,743 --> 00:33:57,786 needs a skating rink in the middle of summer? 897 00:33:57,828 --> 00:33:58,930 How the fuck did these people make it 898 00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,140 out of the desert to begin with? 899 00:34:00,164 --> 00:34:01,804 I went everywhere. I was in such a frenzy, 900 00:34:01,832 --> 00:34:03,584 I lost my plunger. 901 00:34:03,625 --> 00:34:05,520 I just left it somewhere, and then I had to go hunting for it, 902 00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:07,546 which meant I had to go back to the skating rink 903 00:34:07,588 --> 00:34:09,381 and then back to bingo bullshit 904 00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:11,258 and then back to pogo pony up your ass. 905 00:34:11,300 --> 00:34:13,069 I don't think these are all Steiner-sanctioned activities. 906 00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:14,988 I've been paging you nonstop to the point where they finally 907 00:34:15,012 --> 00:34:17,449 figured out something was up and put a lock on the microphone. 908 00:34:17,473 --> 00:34:19,075 And then, as I was crouching in the bushes outside 909 00:34:19,099 --> 00:34:21,310 your family's house, I thought, "Wait a minute, 910 00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:24,271 what's a real shit move someone like Miriam Maisel could pull?" 911 00:34:24,313 --> 00:34:25,898 She could up and desert me here 912 00:34:25,939 --> 00:34:27,083 and go back to the city she never should've left 913 00:34:27,107 --> 00:34:28,650 - in the first place. - I'm... 914 00:34:28,692 --> 00:34:30,336 So I called B. Asshole, where you work, and tried to get 915 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:32,338 some info out of the brain trust at the switchboard, 916 00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:34,090 but there was so much buzzing in their heads. 917 00:34:34,114 --> 00:34:37,367 So then, as a Hail fucking Mary, I call your house, and what ho! 918 00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:39,328 - I am sorry. - What fucking ho? 919 00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:40,597 I got a chance to get back up to the makeup floor. 920 00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:41,914 I had to get back right away. 921 00:34:41,955 --> 00:34:43,308 Are you done playing with lipstick? 922 00:34:43,332 --> 00:34:44,625 'Cause I got you a gig. 923 00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:46,251 What? Where? 924 00:34:46,293 --> 00:34:48,337 The Concord. Late show. Tonight. 925 00:34:48,378 --> 00:34:50,255 Tonight? That's short notice. 926 00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,256 Well, it wouldn't have been short 927 00:34:51,298 --> 00:34:52,484 if you'd been fucking up here. 928 00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:53,860 Well, I-I was gonna come back here after work, 929 00:34:53,884 --> 00:34:55,111 but I guess maybe I could take a bus to... 930 00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:57,346 I don't care about your goddamn schedule, 931 00:34:57,387 --> 00:34:58,680 just get your ass back here. 932 00:34:58,722 --> 00:35:00,265 - Okay. I'll be there. - Be there. 933 00:35:00,307 --> 00:35:02,243 - I just said I'll be there. - Because if you're not there, 934 00:35:02,267 --> 00:35:04,061 in my travels today, I found a lot of places 935 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,522 I could hide your body with minimal digging. Understand? 936 00:35:06,563 --> 00:35:09,191 - It's exciting, about the gig. - Fuck you. 937 00:35:09,233 --> 00:35:11,819 (phone crackles) 938 00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:15,989 ♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I love you ♪ 939 00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:20,869 ♪ M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U love me ♪ 940 00:35:20,911 --> 00:35:22,663 - ♪ A ♪ - ♪ You're adorable ♪ 941 00:35:22,704 --> 00:35:24,706 - ♪ B ♪ - ♪ You're so beautiful ♪ 942 00:35:24,748 --> 00:35:27,459 ♪ C ♪ - ♪ You're a cutie full of charms ♪ 943 00:35:27,501 --> 00:35:29,920 ♪ Bip, bop, bip, D ♪ 944 00:35:29,962 --> 00:35:31,547 ♪ You're a darling and... ♪ 945 00:35:31,588 --> 00:35:33,191 MIDGE: It's very nice of you to do this, Noah. 946 00:35:33,215 --> 00:35:35,217 - I owe you. - Yes, I'll put in on your tab. 947 00:35:35,259 --> 00:35:38,011 I just couldn't believe it, when the phone rang and it was you. 948 00:35:38,053 --> 00:35:40,073 I mean, normally, when the phone rings, it's a salesman 949 00:35:40,097 --> 00:35:42,641 trying to sell me a vegetable brush or my doctor saying, like, 950 00:35:42,683 --> 00:35:46,061 "Nope, try again," but today, it was you wanting a ride! 951 00:35:46,103 --> 00:35:47,396 Such a brucha. 952 00:35:47,437 --> 00:35:49,231 You are saving my life. 953 00:35:49,273 --> 00:35:51,316 That's quite a getup you're wearing for a car ride. 954 00:35:51,358 --> 00:35:53,318 Going somewhere special tonight? 955 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:54,695 Me? Nope. 956 00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,572 You do look very fancy. 957 00:35:56,613 --> 00:35:58,824 Is there a shayna punim in the picture? 958 00:35:58,866 --> 00:36:00,033 Oh, no. Nothing like that... 959 00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:01,201 - Oh. - ...I don't think. 960 00:36:01,243 --> 00:36:02,953 Hey, Dad called me last night. 961 00:36:02,995 --> 00:36:05,139 He said he wants to talk to me about something important. 962 00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:08,333 - Any idea what that may be? - You think he'd tell me? 963 00:36:08,375 --> 00:36:10,311 I'm sorry, are we just gonna ignore the smell in the car? 964 00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:12,129 - Yes, we are. - Noah. 965 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:15,090 Well, you smell it, right? It's a very strong smell. 966 00:36:15,132 --> 00:36:18,635 It's like a skunk or mold or rotting fruit or... 967 00:36:18,677 --> 00:36:21,430 - Me. It's me. - No, Astrid, it's not... 968 00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:24,808 - Oh, my God, it is you. - Here you go. 969 00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:26,870 ASTRID: So I went to Chinatown and I bought this herbal paste 970 00:36:26,894 --> 00:36:28,896 that you're supposed to put on during certain times 971 00:36:28,937 --> 00:36:30,832 when certain things are happening or supposed to be 972 00:36:30,856 --> 00:36:33,358 happening or are probably happening to most people anyway, 973 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,211 but theoretically, when things could be happening, 974 00:36:35,235 --> 00:36:38,405 just to someone else but never to me, you put it on. 975 00:36:38,447 --> 00:36:40,282 Ugh, it's so strong. 976 00:36:40,324 --> 00:36:43,410 It's like a mixture of ammonia and Esther's diaper. 977 00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:45,388 So you put the paste on, which I did, and then a month later, 978 00:36:45,412 --> 00:36:47,289 you're supposed to get pregnant. 979 00:36:47,331 --> 00:36:49,017 They didn't tell me about the smell. (laughs) 980 00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,168 I don't think... they might have. They're Chinese. 981 00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:54,087 But it has a smell, and it tends to harden as it dries, 982 00:36:54,129 --> 00:36:56,006 which is why I'm walking so funny. 983 00:36:56,048 --> 00:36:59,009 You know, let's just go back to ignoring it, shall we? 984 00:36:59,051 --> 00:37:00,445 That's what I've been doing for a month. 985 00:37:00,469 --> 00:37:02,721 Oh, hey, Noah, you can drop me off at the Concord. 986 00:37:02,763 --> 00:37:04,431 - Why? - Oh, is it because of me? 987 00:37:04,473 --> 00:37:05,742 No, you shouldn't have to walk. I'll walk. 988 00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,184 Hey, drop me off at the Concord. 989 00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:08,560 No, it's because of you, Astrid. 990 00:37:08,602 --> 00:37:10,395 I just want to go to the Concord. 991 00:37:10,437 --> 00:37:11,813 I'm meeting friends there. 992 00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,191 - What friends? - Concord friends. 993 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:16,318 Now I understand the dress. 994 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,111 - Stop it. - Wait, what do you mean? 995 00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:19,196 Midge has a man. 996 00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:21,198 ASTRID: Oh, a man! (laughs) 997 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,700 A little shayna punim at the Concord. 998 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:25,327 Oh, I'm so happy I could hug you. 999 00:37:25,369 --> 00:37:28,872 - Astrid. - I won't. I promise. 1000 00:37:28,914 --> 00:37:32,501 Shayna punim. 1001 00:37:32,542 --> 00:37:35,504 ♪ To tell you what you mean to me... ♪ 1002 00:37:35,545 --> 00:37:37,506 SUSIE: Ugh, thank God you made it. 1003 00:37:37,547 --> 00:37:39,925 I made it. It's a miracle, but I made it. 1004 00:37:39,967 --> 00:37:41,551 Boy, this is classy. 1005 00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:43,738 Yeah, you think I'd drag you back here to work a sewer? 1006 00:37:43,762 --> 00:37:45,681 - I do. - I would, but I didn't have to. 1007 00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:47,116 Hey, what's with this? We're not at Steiner. 1008 00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:48,934 Why are you still carrying that around? 1009 00:37:48,976 --> 00:37:50,828 After what happened before, I'm not leaving her alone again. 1010 00:37:50,852 --> 00:37:53,730 - Her? - Just focus on your set, please. 1011 00:37:53,772 --> 00:37:57,317 Okay, I'm sorry. Wow, big room. 1012 00:37:57,359 --> 00:37:58,795 Did you tell me how big this room is? 1013 00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:02,114 It's really big. Huge, it's like... 1014 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:03,699 What are you doing? Are you counting? 1015 00:38:03,740 --> 00:38:05,551 I just want to know how much bigger this room is 1016 00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:07,679 than any other room I've ever played in my entire life. 1017 00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:09,246 Who gives a shit if it's a bigger room? 1018 00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,248 It's still just a room. It's the same audience. 1019 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:14,376 There will be dumb people and drunk people and loud people 1020 00:38:14,418 --> 00:38:15,853 and people throwing up in the corner. 1021 00:38:15,877 --> 00:38:17,212 Just... more than you're used to. 1022 00:38:17,254 --> 00:38:19,006 Who the hell is this? 1023 00:38:19,047 --> 00:38:22,134 Ah. Great. Melvin, I'd like you to meet Midge Maisel. 1024 00:38:22,175 --> 00:38:23,343 Mrs. Maisel. 1025 00:38:23,385 --> 00:38:24,928 This isn't the girl I hired. 1026 00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,472 - It isn't? - Yes, it is. - No. No, no, no. 1027 00:38:27,514 --> 00:38:28,908 (stammers) She doesn't look anything 1028 00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:30,308 like the picture you showed me. 1029 00:38:30,350 --> 00:38:31,935 The picture you showed me looked funny. 1030 00:38:31,977 --> 00:38:33,437 She doesn't look funny. 1031 00:38:33,478 --> 00:38:35,063 W-What is she, a-a singer? 1032 00:38:35,105 --> 00:38:36,857 No. She's not a singer, she's a comic. 1033 00:38:36,898 --> 00:38:38,650 No. 1034 00:38:38,692 --> 00:38:40,902 Look, she just doesn't have her makeup on yet. Okay? 1035 00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:42,529 By the way, it's a little creepy, 1036 00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:44,590 you carrying her picture around in your pants like that. 1037 00:38:44,614 --> 00:38:46,592 Makeup? How much makeup? How much makeup does she wear? 1038 00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:48,118 Who are you, Max Factor? 1039 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,619 - I need a comic. - And you got one. 1040 00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:51,830 - A funny comic. - Will you relax? 1041 00:38:51,872 --> 00:38:53,599 You worry like that, you'll take ten years off your life. 1042 00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:55,000 And from the looks of you, 1043 00:38:55,042 --> 00:38:58,336 you only have about five left to begin with. 1044 00:38:58,378 --> 00:39:00,338 Dressing room's in the back. 1045 00:39:00,380 --> 00:39:03,300 Get your makeup on. She better look funny! 1046 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:05,302 Susie, what is he talking about? 1047 00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:07,971 - Nothing. - What picture did you... 1048 00:39:08,013 --> 00:39:10,974 - That's Mamie Eisenhower. - Yeah, so? 1049 00:39:11,016 --> 00:39:13,310 You told him I look like Mamie Eisenhower? 1050 00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:14,746 Look, I said what I need to get you the gig, 1051 00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:15,812 and I got you the gig. 1052 00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:17,147 We're just lucky that moron 1053 00:39:17,189 --> 00:39:18,732 doesn't read a fucking newspaper. 1054 00:39:18,774 --> 00:39:20,574 Susie, he thinks I'm gonna go out on the stage 1055 00:39:20,609 --> 00:39:22,503 looking like the president's wife, and when I don't, 1056 00:39:22,527 --> 00:39:25,572 he's gonna pull me off the stage in front of 400,000 people. 1057 00:39:25,614 --> 00:39:27,157 Relax about the goddamn room. 1058 00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:29,159 It's not 400,000 people, okay? 1059 00:39:29,201 --> 00:39:31,995 It's not even... Oh, I didn't see those seats back there. 1060 00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:33,330 Okay, it's big. 1061 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,165 But you're gonna do great. 1062 00:39:35,207 --> 00:39:37,501 - Now, let's go find you a drink. - I don't need a drink. 1063 00:39:37,542 --> 00:39:39,836 Eh, place this big, you're gonna need a drink. 1064 00:39:39,878 --> 00:39:43,799 Oh, Jesus Christ, look at the size of that bar. 1065 00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:46,384 (birds calling) 1066 00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,385 (singsongy): Make sure you have everything. 1067 00:39:47,427 --> 00:39:48,887 I have everything. 1068 00:39:48,929 --> 00:39:51,056 - Where's your hat? - I forgot my hat. 1069 00:39:51,098 --> 00:39:53,809 I hope they have that fire juggler again this year. 1070 00:39:53,850 --> 00:39:55,727 You wonder what happens in a person's life 1071 00:39:55,769 --> 00:39:58,230 that makes them stumble across a talent like that. 1072 00:39:58,271 --> 00:39:59,815 It's on the chair. 1073 00:39:59,856 --> 00:40:01,417 I think, next year, it's going to be time 1074 00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:03,360 for a new grass skirt. 1075 00:40:03,401 --> 00:40:04,921 - You ready? - MOISHE: Remember, Mendelsons, 1076 00:40:04,945 --> 00:40:07,489 tonight, everyone gets lei'd! 1077 00:40:07,531 --> 00:40:09,324 (man chuckles) 1078 00:40:09,366 --> 00:40:11,326 - Rose, I can't do it. - Every year, you say that. 1079 00:40:11,368 --> 00:40:13,429 Then you put it on, and you never want to take it off. 1080 00:40:13,453 --> 00:40:17,165 I can't spend Polynesian Night at the same table with that man. 1081 00:40:17,207 --> 00:40:19,584 - Oh, Abe. - You know how many times 1082 00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:22,003 he's going to say the words "pupu platter." 1083 00:40:22,045 --> 00:40:25,340 I can't listen to his litany of "lei'd" jokes. 1084 00:40:25,382 --> 00:40:28,593 I-I can't watch him tip the waiters in coconuts. 1085 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:31,346 I can't take him substituting the word "poi" for "goy" 1086 00:40:31,388 --> 00:40:34,099 - in casual conversation. - All right, I'll tell you what. 1087 00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:36,852 I'll represent us at dinner, and you stay here and relax. 1088 00:40:36,893 --> 00:40:38,854 - Really? - You've earned a break. 1089 00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:40,689 I'll bring you back a pineapple boat. 1090 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,524 And, remember, Moishe and Shirley 1091 00:40:42,566 --> 00:40:44,860 are seeing Duke Ellington at Grossinger's Tuesday, 1092 00:40:44,901 --> 00:40:46,695 so they won't be here for Schnitzel Night. 1093 00:40:46,736 --> 00:40:48,864 - They won't ruin the schnitzel? - They will not ruin 1094 00:40:48,905 --> 00:40:51,283 - the schnitzel. - You're a very good wife. 1095 00:40:51,324 --> 00:40:53,702 ("Fish and Poi" playing) 1096 00:40:56,538 --> 00:40:58,748 ♪ Mama, don't scold me ♪ 1097 00:40:58,790 --> 00:41:00,959 - ♪ I no go work today ♪ - (pants) Hey. 1098 00:41:01,001 --> 00:41:02,377 MAN: Thank you. 1099 00:41:02,419 --> 00:41:04,880 Oh, God, it's hot. 1100 00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:06,798 Take your coat off, Ma. 1101 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,884 Then I'll be too cold. 1102 00:41:08,925 --> 00:41:11,219 You look very nice tonight. 1103 00:41:11,261 --> 00:41:13,305 I could always pull off a floral print. 1104 00:41:13,346 --> 00:41:14,973 (chuckles) 1105 00:41:15,015 --> 00:41:16,808 Ooh. 1106 00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:20,061 Sure are a lot of pretty girls here this year. 1107 00:41:20,103 --> 00:41:21,229 You've been talking to Pop. 1108 00:41:21,271 --> 00:41:22,480 I warned you about that. 1109 00:41:22,522 --> 00:41:24,232 (chuckles): Oh, yeah. 1110 00:41:24,274 --> 00:41:27,986 Shouldn't you be out there talking to a nice girl 1111 00:41:28,028 --> 00:41:29,988 instead of sitting here talking to me? 1112 00:41:30,030 --> 00:41:31,406 You're a nice girl. 1113 00:41:31,448 --> 00:41:32,991 Or is there something I don't know? 1114 00:41:33,033 --> 00:41:35,827 - I'm being serious. - Ma. 1115 00:41:35,869 --> 00:41:37,329 You're my son. 1116 00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:39,831 - I want you to be happy. - I know. 1117 00:41:39,873 --> 00:41:42,500 And just because you're not with Midge anymore 1118 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:44,961 doesn't mean you can't be happy. 1119 00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:51,760 I just don't want you waiting around for her, Joel. 1120 00:41:51,801 --> 00:41:56,431 Because I don't think she's waiting around for you. 1121 00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,481 You look nice in your coat, Ma. 1122 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:05,899 But do I look rich? 1123 00:42:05,941 --> 00:42:07,567 - Like a Rockefeller. - (chuckles) 1124 00:42:07,609 --> 00:42:09,236 MOISHE: Look who I found wandering 1125 00:42:09,277 --> 00:42:10,820 around the island alone. 1126 00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:13,657 - SHIRLEY: Oh, hello, Rose. - Hello, Shirley. 1127 00:42:13,698 --> 00:42:16,076 Shirley, you notice something different about Rose tonight? 1128 00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:18,745 A certain glow? I think she may have gotten lei'd. 1129 00:42:18,787 --> 00:42:20,747 - (laughs) Oh, Moishe. - (chuckles) Mm. 1130 00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:22,415 You are something else. 1131 00:42:22,457 --> 00:42:24,334 May I escort you ladies to the table? 1132 00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:26,670 I hear the chef made a whole lot of pupu. 1133 00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:28,421 - (laughs) - So, Shirley tells me 1134 00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:30,173 you're gonna be buried in Israel. 1135 00:42:30,215 --> 00:42:31,841 Any idea when? 1136 00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,176 (Moishe speaks indistinctly) 1137 00:42:33,218 --> 00:42:34,678 ♪ Fish and poi ♪ 1138 00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,347 ♪ No care tomorrow. ♪ 1139 00:42:37,389 --> 00:42:39,599 ♪ ♪ 1140 00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,643 - (indistinct chatter) - (insects trilling) 1141 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:47,148 (door creaks open) 1142 00:42:47,190 --> 00:42:50,110 (door shuts) 1143 00:42:52,112 --> 00:42:53,738 Dinner's the other way, Abe. 1144 00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:56,241 Oh. Joel, hello. 1145 00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:59,494 Yes, I'm actually going to skip dinner tonight. 1146 00:42:59,536 --> 00:43:00,996 I had a very big lunch 1147 00:43:01,037 --> 00:43:03,415 and double my allotment of tomato juice, 1148 00:43:03,456 --> 00:43:05,917 so I thought I'd just... 1149 00:43:05,959 --> 00:43:08,545 walk it off for two or three more hours. 1150 00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,088 Needed a break from my parents, huh? 1151 00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:11,089 - Yes. - I understand. 1152 00:43:11,131 --> 00:43:12,590 I'm sure you do. 1153 00:43:12,632 --> 00:43:14,801 - Well... - Hey, 1154 00:43:14,843 --> 00:43:16,261 is Midge back yet? 1155 00:43:16,303 --> 00:43:18,680 Uh, no, she's still in New York. 1156 00:43:18,722 --> 00:43:19,889 Anything wrong? 1157 00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:21,683 Nope. Just wondering. 1158 00:43:21,725 --> 00:43:23,476 I'll tell her you're looking for her. 1159 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:25,562 - Yep. Good. - Oh, and, um, 1160 00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:28,315 - if your parents ask... - I never saw you. 1161 00:43:37,657 --> 00:43:39,135 Now, this is a much bigger room than you're used to, 1162 00:43:39,159 --> 00:43:40,553 so it's gonna feel completely different. 1163 00:43:40,577 --> 00:43:42,537 - Wait, what? - And it'll take longer 1164 00:43:42,579 --> 00:43:44,289 for the laughs to reach you, and they'll be 1165 00:43:44,331 --> 00:43:46,309 proportionally quieter because of the tall ceilings. 1166 00:43:46,333 --> 00:43:48,060 I thought you said this place wasn't that much bigger. 1167 00:43:48,084 --> 00:43:50,003 I also said you looked like Mamie Eisenhower. 1168 00:43:50,045 --> 00:43:53,256 - This place is huge. Keep up. - That's her with her makeup on? 1169 00:43:53,298 --> 00:43:55,925 - Yeah. - She looks even less funny now! 1170 00:43:55,967 --> 00:43:57,111 You know what, she's just gonna be funny 1171 00:43:57,135 --> 00:43:58,345 instead of look funny, okay? 1172 00:43:58,386 --> 00:44:01,097 She's not funny, I'm not paying. 1173 00:44:01,139 --> 00:44:02,849 - So no pressure. - Nope. 1174 00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,535 - Okay, where were we? - Laughs will take forever 1175 00:44:04,559 --> 00:44:06,019 - to reach me. - Yes, they will. 1176 00:44:06,061 --> 00:44:07,705 So it might be tough to gauge how it's going. 1177 00:44:07,729 --> 00:44:09,272 Hold a little longer for the laughs 1178 00:44:09,314 --> 00:44:10,958 and look down at who you can see in the audience. 1179 00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:12,776 If they're smilin', you're doing good. 1180 00:44:12,817 --> 00:44:15,195 I wonder what Mamie Eisenhower would do in this situation. 1181 00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:17,822 Big room is just more people to fall in love with you. 1182 00:44:17,864 --> 00:44:19,908 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 1183 00:44:19,949 --> 00:44:22,744 the Concord Hotel is pleased to welcome 1184 00:44:22,786 --> 00:44:25,413 - to the stage Mrs. Maisel! - Okay. Here we go. 1185 00:44:25,455 --> 00:44:27,582 - Tits up. - Tits up. 1186 00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:29,584 (applause) 1187 00:44:29,626 --> 00:44:31,669 (cheering) 1188 00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:33,671 Thank you, everybody. 1189 00:44:33,713 --> 00:44:36,299 Thank you very much. 1190 00:44:36,341 --> 00:44:38,718 Here we are in the Catskills, and I'm starving. 1191 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,137 Where can you get a decent meal around here? 1192 00:44:41,179 --> 00:44:42,847 - (laughter) - Food. 1193 00:44:42,889 --> 00:44:46,476 Food. 24 hours a day, food. 1194 00:44:46,518 --> 00:44:48,120 Shouldn't the Catskills season be in winter, 1195 00:44:48,144 --> 00:44:50,522 with big coats and scarves? 1196 00:44:50,563 --> 00:44:52,690 What kind of sadists feed you ten meals a day, 1197 00:44:52,732 --> 00:44:54,126 then tell you to put on a fucking bikini 1198 00:44:54,150 --> 00:44:55,193 and go find a husband? 1199 00:44:55,235 --> 00:44:57,153 The only reason 1200 00:44:57,195 --> 00:44:59,864 we stand a chance is because the men are too full to run. 1201 00:44:59,906 --> 00:45:02,867 And all I see 1202 00:45:02,909 --> 00:45:06,329 and hear about and dream about is food. 1203 00:45:06,371 --> 00:45:07,872 Giant portions of food. 1204 00:45:07,914 --> 00:45:09,707 I know it's the midnight show. 1205 00:45:09,749 --> 00:45:12,043 I'm supposed to be talking about blow jobs and big tits, 1206 00:45:12,085 --> 00:45:14,587 but, after six weeks up here, 1207 00:45:14,629 --> 00:45:15,773 tits just start to look like a couple 1208 00:45:15,797 --> 00:45:17,715 of Grossinger's baked Alaskas. 1209 00:45:17,757 --> 00:45:19,968 They're, uh... 1210 00:45:20,009 --> 00:45:22,262 Oh, you've had them. 1211 00:45:22,303 --> 00:45:25,890 But, really, I-I have great affection for the mountains. 1212 00:45:25,932 --> 00:45:28,160 I've been coming up here with my family since I was born. 1213 00:45:28,184 --> 00:45:31,479 It is the best place to have your first nervous breakdown. 1214 00:45:31,521 --> 00:45:33,731 Which automatically comes with spending months 1215 00:45:33,773 --> 00:45:36,234 in a cabin with your family every year since you were born. 1216 00:45:36,276 --> 00:45:39,320 My first everything happened in the Catskills. 1217 00:45:39,362 --> 00:45:41,489 Everything. 1218 00:45:41,531 --> 00:45:43,658 My mother first told me to keep my knees closed 1219 00:45:43,700 --> 00:45:45,678 until there's a ring on my finger in the Catskills. 1220 00:45:45,702 --> 00:45:48,496 Actually, she told me it was biologically impossible 1221 00:45:48,538 --> 00:45:50,498 to have sex without a ring on your finger. 1222 00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:52,375 Guess what, Mom, 1223 00:45:52,417 --> 00:45:53,793 it's not. 1224 00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:56,212 Anyhow, the first boy I ever kissed 1225 00:45:56,254 --> 00:45:58,381 I kissed in the Catskills. 1226 00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:01,718 Mm-hmm. First time I ever let a boy go Christopher Columbus 1227 00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:04,679 on my nether regions, it was in the Catskills. 1228 00:46:04,721 --> 00:46:07,682 And this boy, he was my... 1229 00:46:07,724 --> 00:46:09,309 Papa. 1230 00:46:09,350 --> 00:46:11,728 (audience chuckling) 1231 00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:13,771 (quietly): I... 1232 00:46:13,813 --> 00:46:15,940 I... 1233 00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:18,693 The Catskills. 1234 00:46:18,735 --> 00:46:20,445 Things happen in the Catskills. 1235 00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:22,530 All kinds of things happen. 1236 00:46:22,572 --> 00:46:24,467 Games. There's games. You like games? I like games. 1237 00:46:24,491 --> 00:46:26,701 And-and when people come up here with kids, 1238 00:46:26,743 --> 00:46:28,369 they want things for the kids to play 1239 00:46:28,411 --> 00:46:31,206 so the adults can go... be adults. 1240 00:46:31,247 --> 00:46:32,641 Parents don't really want to know what's going on 1241 00:46:32,665 --> 00:46:34,292 with their kids behind their backs. 1242 00:46:34,334 --> 00:46:36,228 I mean, they'd prefer they weren't eaten by a lion 1243 00:46:36,252 --> 00:46:38,463 or whatever eats people in Upstate New York, 1244 00:46:38,505 --> 00:46:40,673 but, otherwise, secrets. 1245 00:46:40,715 --> 00:46:43,384 Secrets. Kids have secrets. 1246 00:46:43,426 --> 00:46:46,804 Mothers and daughters and daughters and fathers and... 1247 00:46:46,846 --> 00:46:49,474 You know, it's weird with daughters and fathers, isn't it? 1248 00:46:49,516 --> 00:46:50,892 Isn't it weird? 1249 00:46:50,934 --> 00:46:52,936 I-Is it weird? 1250 00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:55,813 Is it? Fucking make up your mind. 1251 00:46:55,855 --> 00:46:58,083 Because fathers never really know who their daughters are. 1252 00:46:58,107 --> 00:46:59,901 They don't want to know, do they? 1253 00:46:59,943 --> 00:47:02,254 It would be terrifying to know who they are and what they do, 1254 00:47:02,278 --> 00:47:03,756 and-and, because they don't really know any of this, 1255 00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:05,424 sometimes they can just walk in unexpectedly, 1256 00:47:05,448 --> 00:47:06,533 and, suddenly, it's like, 1257 00:47:06,574 --> 00:47:07,951 "Hey, you're a whore. Who knew?" 1258 00:47:07,992 --> 00:47:09,702 Not that I'm a whore. 1259 00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,621 I am definitely not a whore. 1260 00:47:11,663 --> 00:47:13,623 I do not charge for sex. I mean, that's free. 1261 00:47:13,665 --> 00:47:17,585 I mean, it's free to guys I want it to be free to. 1262 00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:19,504 My husband. Boyfriend. 1263 00:47:19,546 --> 00:47:21,256 One girl in college. 1264 00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:24,300 Anyone with a decent ticket to a Sinatra concert. 1265 00:47:24,342 --> 00:47:26,636 Even my mother would give it up for a Sinatra ticket. 1266 00:47:26,678 --> 00:47:28,596 No, she wouldn't. My mother wouldn't give it up 1267 00:47:28,638 --> 00:47:30,056 for anything, to anyone. 1268 00:47:30,098 --> 00:47:31,909 Well, my father. She'll-she'll give it up to him. 1269 00:47:31,933 --> 00:47:34,227 I mean, not that she told me she'd give it up to him. 1270 00:47:34,269 --> 00:47:36,479 But I'm assuming. Well, I'm here, 1271 00:47:36,521 --> 00:47:39,232 so somebody gave up something to somebody at some point. 1272 00:47:39,274 --> 00:47:41,067 Anyhow, e-everyone has sex. 1273 00:47:41,109 --> 00:47:42,819 Daughters have sex. 1274 00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:44,237 Sons have sex. 1275 00:47:44,279 --> 00:47:46,781 Babies come from sex. 1276 00:47:46,823 --> 00:47:48,783 Boy, I have got to stop saying the word "sex." 1277 00:47:48,825 --> 00:47:51,286 I actually have never said "sex" this much before. 1278 00:47:51,327 --> 00:47:53,347 I don't think I've ever said the word "sex" in front 1279 00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,683 of my father, because my father looks like what you'd think 1280 00:47:55,707 --> 00:47:57,250 a Columbia professor would look like. 1281 00:47:57,292 --> 00:47:59,669 Lots of brown and tweed and plaid 1282 00:47:59,711 --> 00:48:02,005 and a scowl of intellectual superiority 1283 00:48:02,046 --> 00:48:04,257 because he is intellectually superior. 1284 00:48:04,299 --> 00:48:05,883 He is very smart. 1285 00:48:05,925 --> 00:48:08,219 My mother once told me that she pictured having sex 1286 00:48:08,261 --> 00:48:09,721 with his mind on their wedding night 1287 00:48:09,762 --> 00:48:11,681 so she didn't have to think about his penis. 1288 00:48:11,723 --> 00:48:13,683 She did not say that. Some other woman said that. 1289 00:48:13,725 --> 00:48:15,518 Just some other person. And I overheard them 1290 00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:18,187 and... Let's go back to food, shall we? 1291 00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:19,689 Food... 1292 00:48:19,731 --> 00:48:21,691 And the donkey who looked just like my father 1293 00:48:21,733 --> 00:48:24,694 stood up and said, "Who else wants a piece of this?!" 1294 00:48:24,736 --> 00:48:28,364 - (laughter) - I really, really have to go. 1295 00:48:28,406 --> 00:48:30,116 But, uh, thank you for laughing. 1296 00:48:30,158 --> 00:48:32,785 Please tip a waiter and enjoy some veal. 1297 00:48:32,827 --> 00:48:34,547 I will be here all week trying to figure out 1298 00:48:34,579 --> 00:48:36,307 if I just had some sort of stroke. I'm Mrs. Maisel. 1299 00:48:36,331 --> 00:48:37,457 Thank you! Good night! 1300 00:48:37,498 --> 00:48:39,417 (cheering and applause) 1301 00:48:40,543 --> 00:48:42,337 Ha! That's the way to do it. 1302 00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:44,088 You had them. You own them. 1303 00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:46,025 No one in that audience is ever gonna be the same. 1304 00:48:46,049 --> 00:48:47,675 Did you hear that applause? 1305 00:48:47,717 --> 00:48:49,357 And that's not because it's taking so long 1306 00:48:49,385 --> 00:48:50,863 to reach here from the back that it's just arriving. 1307 00:48:50,887 --> 00:48:52,114 No, that's because they like Ike! 1308 00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,016 - They like Ike! - All right, you win. 1309 00:48:55,058 --> 00:48:57,685 - Uh, one more time? - She's great. I want her back. 1310 00:48:57,727 --> 00:48:59,788 You sure? You want to wait till she gets a little double chin? 1311 00:48:59,812 --> 00:49:01,439 - No. - I was gonna take her in the bathroom 1312 00:49:01,481 --> 00:49:03,042 and break her nose to make her a little funnier. 1313 00:49:03,066 --> 00:49:04,942 No. No, no, no. I want her just like that. 1314 00:49:04,984 --> 00:49:06,361 Don't change a thing! 1315 00:49:06,402 --> 00:49:08,029 I fucking love the Catskills. 1316 00:49:08,071 --> 00:49:10,448 Why didn't he leave? Why didn't he leave? 1317 00:49:10,490 --> 00:49:12,784 - Who? - Man, front row, 1318 00:49:12,825 --> 00:49:14,369 60 years old, mustache, 1319 00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:15,787 Polynesian clothes. 1320 00:49:15,828 --> 00:49:17,205 Doesn't narrow it down. 1321 00:49:17,246 --> 00:49:18,956 - My father. - Your father? 1322 00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,541 - Your father was out there? - Yes. 1323 00:49:20,583 --> 00:49:22,627 You said all that shit in front of your father? 1324 00:49:22,669 --> 00:49:24,462 Wow, you have got balls. 1325 00:49:24,504 --> 00:49:26,422 Is he still there? 1326 00:49:27,423 --> 00:49:29,801 Nope. Nowhere to be seen. 1327 00:49:29,842 --> 00:49:32,845 MIDGE: That's because he's here. 1328 00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:48,403 I'm taking you home. 1329 00:50:08,589 --> 00:50:11,342 Are we in trouble? 1330 00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:17,432 ("Tell That Girl to Shut Up" by Transvision Vamp playing) 1331 00:50:17,473 --> 00:50:19,475 ♪ ♪ 1332 00:50:23,187 --> 00:50:26,941 ♪ Well, you got that girl and she lives with you ♪ 1333 00:50:26,983 --> 00:50:30,194 ♪ And she does just what you want her to ♪ 1334 00:50:30,236 --> 00:50:33,573 ♪ And when I call you on the phone ♪ 1335 00:50:33,614 --> 00:50:39,203 ♪ She says you're not there, but I know you're home ♪ 1336 00:50:39,245 --> 00:50:42,915 ♪ You better tell that girl to shut up ♪ 1337 00:50:42,957 --> 00:50:46,252 ♪ You better tell that girl I'm gonna beat her up ♪ 1338 00:50:46,294 --> 00:50:49,589 ♪ You better tell that girl, you better tell that girl ♪ 1339 00:50:49,630 --> 00:50:52,884 ♪ You better tell that girl ♪ 1340 00:50:52,925 --> 00:50:56,095 ♪ Well, we used to be the best of friends ♪ 1341 00:50:56,137 --> 00:51:00,224 ♪ Now all that's gonna have to end ♪ 1342 00:51:00,266 --> 00:51:02,560 ♪ But there's just one thing that I can't see ♪ 1343 00:51:02,602 --> 00:51:07,565 ♪ How she's got you hanging up on me ♪ 1344 00:51:07,607 --> 00:51:12,570 ♪ Yeah, you better tell that girl to shut up ♪ 1345 00:51:12,612 --> 00:51:14,614 ♪ You better tell that girl I'm gonna beat her up ♪ 1346 00:51:14,655 --> 00:51:17,992 ♪ You better tell that girl, you better tell that girl ♪ 1347 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:22,413 ♪ You better tell that girl ♪ 1348 00:51:22,455 --> 00:51:26,626 ♪ Well, I bet you're like that all of the time ♪ 1349 00:51:26,667 --> 00:51:30,713 ♪ But it takes more than that for me to lose my mind ♪ 1350 00:51:30,755 --> 00:51:33,132 ♪ Don't you know that I don't care? ♪ 1351 00:51:33,174 --> 00:51:38,095 ♪ Maybe if I hit her, maybe if I pulled her hair ♪ 1352 00:51:38,137 --> 00:51:43,059 - ♪ Oh, hey, yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Girl ♪ 1353 00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:46,354 - ♪ Girl, girl ♪ - ♪ Girl, girl ♪ 1354 00:51:46,395 --> 00:51:49,565 ♪ Yeah, you better tell that girl ♪ 1355 00:51:49,607 --> 00:51:52,902 ♪ You better tell that girl to shut up ♪ 1356 00:51:52,944 --> 00:51:56,155 ♪ You better tell that girl I'm gonna beat her up ♪ 1357 00:51:56,197 --> 00:51:59,450 ♪ You better tell that girl, you better tell that girl ♪ 1358 00:51:59,492 --> 00:52:01,994 ♪ You better tell ♪ 1359 00:52:02,036 --> 00:52:05,081 ♪ That girl ♪ 1360 00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:07,083 ♪ To shut up. ♪