1 00:00:01,367 --> 00:00:04,367 -Everybody please give it up for Louis CK! 2 00:00:04,367 --> 00:00:06,133 [ Cheers and applause ] 3 00:00:16,968 --> 00:00:18,901 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 4 00:00:27,367 --> 00:00:29,534 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 5 00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:38,200 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 6 00:00:44,334 --> 00:00:47,400 -[ Chuckles ] Hey. 7 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:48,934 Thank you. 8 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,667 Thank you very much. 9 00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:56,834 Thank you. 10 00:00:56,834 --> 00:00:59,033 [ Chuckles ] Hey. How you guys doing? Alright? 11 00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,767 Ha ha! [ Cheers and applause ] 12 00:01:01,767 --> 00:01:03,000 Alright. 13 00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:12,501 Thank you for -- Uh... 14 00:01:12,501 --> 00:01:14,634 Thanks for coming. I'm -- [ Cheers and applause ] 15 00:01:14,634 --> 00:01:18,000 Alright. Y-You're wasting fucking time. 16 00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:23,801 You're gonna get two less jokes if you don't shut the fuck up. 17 00:01:26,467 --> 00:01:28,434 I'm very glad you're here. I'm really grateful. 18 00:01:28,434 --> 00:01:32,601 I know that, uh, it's not easy being my fan these days. 19 00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:34,501 Uh... 20 00:01:34,501 --> 00:01:36,467 I know that, uh, 21 00:01:36,467 --> 00:01:40,701 all of you have one person who doesn't know you're here. 22 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:43,567 [ Laughs ] 23 00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:46,901 There's that one person. 24 00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,100 "Hey, what are you doing tonight?" 25 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,868 "Just a comedy show. I don't know. 26 00:01:50,868 --> 00:01:54,167 So, you know..." 27 00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:59,067 Sorry for all the trouble I caused you. 28 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,334 But let's, uh -- We'll do a show. 29 00:02:02,334 --> 00:02:05,067 Um, I love doing comedy. 30 00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:08,601 I've been doing it 38 years now, and, uh... 31 00:02:08,601 --> 00:02:11,200 [ Cheers and applause ] 32 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:14,400 A lot of people ask me if it takes confidence. 33 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,767 Uh, nobody asks me. I just wanted to talk about it. 34 00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,100 But... 35 00:02:20,934 --> 00:02:23,934 It does. It takes a certain kind of confidence to do this. 36 00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:26,501 This doesn't mean that I'm a confident person generally. 37 00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,601 You know, there's different kinds of confidence. 38 00:02:28,601 --> 00:02:30,567 Like, there's personal confidence. 39 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,801 Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants. 40 00:02:33,801 --> 00:02:38,567 That takes tremendous personal confidence. 41 00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:42,100 And optimism, really. 42 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:46,234 To go out in white pants like, "It's gonna be a great day. 43 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,133 "It's gonna be no puddles or pizza." 44 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,200 I could never wear white pants 45 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,601 because I'll get my period, first of all, I know that. 46 00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:59,133 Or diarrhea more likely. 47 00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:04,000 That's really my period. 48 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,267 Diarrhea. 49 00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:10,167 About once a month, I'm like, "Oh, fuck, here we go." 50 00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:14,801 [ Exhales heavily ] "Better just get home. 51 00:03:14,801 --> 00:03:16,968 Don't make any big decisions today." 52 00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:21,868 It's true. You shouldn't, like, 53 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,100 negotiate when you have diarrhea. 54 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,801 If I have diarrhea and you get between me and the toilet, 55 00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:32,067 I'll sell you my house for 10 cents. 56 00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:42,033 Anyway, that's personal confidence. 57 00:03:42,033 --> 00:03:44,567 Another kind of confidence is moral confidence. 58 00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:46,133 Moral confidence. 59 00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:49,167 That's like knowing that you wouldn't have had slaves, 60 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,400 like, back when it was okay. 61 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,701 That's moral confidence, is being able to say, 62 00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:57,667 "I wouldn't have done it. 63 00:03:57,667 --> 00:04:01,434 Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia 64 00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:03,434 and somebody was like, 'You want a slave?' 65 00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:05,567 I would have been like, 'No, I'm all set.'" 66 00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:11,734 And I feel confident I can say that, 67 00:04:11,734 --> 00:04:14,434 but I think it's easy to say that now 68 00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,033 because you can't get no slaves. 69 00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:18,067 You can't get one. You can't get one. 70 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,434 You don't have slaves, but that's not because 71 00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:22,434 you're better than back-then people. 72 00:04:22,434 --> 00:04:23,968 It's 'cause they're not available. 73 00:04:23,968 --> 00:04:26,300 There's not -- You don't have to decide that. 74 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,834 It's not like you're bringing groceries to the car 75 00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:31,167 like, "Fuck. It would be really good if I had a slave. 76 00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:33,667 But I won't do it. Mnh-mnh!" 77 00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:38,400 It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot. 78 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:42,000 I mean, they kind of do. I mean, there are... 79 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,067 There... 80 00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,467 There are certain -- 81 00:04:46,467 --> 00:04:48,200 You know, like, you can get a Russian woman 82 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,133 to do whatever you want because her family is hostage. 83 00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:59,167 Or you can adopt a kid from Bangladesh who's like 12. 84 00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:01,400 He'll move into your house and do your laundry 85 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,334 and suck your dick, whatever you want. 86 00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:08,000 But even he -- even he gets to leave when he's 18. 87 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,100 Although, who wants 'em when they're that old? 88 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,334 I'm just saying. 89 00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:16,434 Excuse me. I'm just saying... 90 00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:23,200 Anyway, that's moral confidence. 91 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,934 [ Laughter ] 92 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,334 The kind of confidence I have is very specific. 93 00:05:31,334 --> 00:05:33,801 It's that I know how to make jokes 94 00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,934 about terrible things. 95 00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:38,067 I know how to do that, and I know I know how to do that. 96 00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:41,467 So that's my -- that's my core competency. 97 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,067 [ Laughs ] 98 00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,667 And there's certain people who think there are things 99 00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:48,033 that you shouldn't make jokes about, like Auschwitz. 100 00:05:48,033 --> 00:05:50,000 You shouldn't make jokes about Auschwitz, 101 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,968 some people think, because it was terrible. 102 00:05:51,968 --> 00:05:54,400 Many people died. Children were killed in Auschwitz. 103 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,067 Children that could have grown up 104 00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:58,200 and moved to Brooklyn and hated Black people. 105 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,901 And they didn't get to do that. [ Laughter ] 106 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:03,734 Exactly. It's terrible. It's terrible. 107 00:06:06,067 --> 00:06:09,000 So some people think you shouldn't joke about Auschwitz. 108 00:06:12,534 --> 00:06:16,901 I have a friend, a comedian from England, 109 00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:18,901 who made a joke about Auschwitz last year. 110 00:06:18,901 --> 00:06:21,067 He got in a lot of trouble. It was a big deal. 111 00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:23,267 It was in the newspapers. He lost jobs. 112 00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:27,200 And at one point, Auschwitz tweeted... 113 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,734 ...about it. It said "Auschwitz" with a blue check. 114 00:06:33,734 --> 00:06:36,767 So it was like, "Oh, cool! It's really them!" you know? 115 00:06:36,767 --> 00:06:38,300 And, uh... 116 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,567 [ Laughter ] 117 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,300 They tweeted like, "That's not funny." 118 00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:46,100 And -- I don't know. 119 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:51,701 I mean, who's running the social accounts that -- 120 00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:54,601 Why is the death camp tweeting? 121 00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:59,601 Who is that? "I got a summer job at Auschwitz. 122 00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:01,434 I run the Twitter." 123 00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:02,601 What's... 124 00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:04,167 [ Laughter ] 125 00:07:07,634 --> 00:07:09,734 Because people have different reactions 126 00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,801 to terrible things, you know? 127 00:07:11,801 --> 00:07:13,968 Some people think comedy helps. 128 00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:18,367 I don't think it "helps." It doesn't help. 129 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:20,434 Like, I remember one time there was people -- 130 00:07:20,434 --> 00:07:22,267 You remember during the Iraq War. 131 00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:25,734 I don't remember which one, but it was one of the Iraq wars. 132 00:07:25,734 --> 00:07:29,767 And somebody was organizing through the USO 133 00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:33,534 some comedians to go to Walter Reed Medical Center 134 00:07:33,534 --> 00:07:36,934 and visit wounded soldiers in their hospital rooms, 135 00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:38,133 which is a terrible -- 136 00:07:38,133 --> 00:07:40,167 It sounds nice, but it's a terrible idea. 137 00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:41,734 They don't need a comedian like, 138 00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,801 "Hehrr! Wehrr! Wehrrr! 139 00:07:43,801 --> 00:07:45,267 Errrh! Where ya from? Fuck you." 140 00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:48,601 You know, it's not helpful. 141 00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,300 And I wasn't even anybody. I wasn't famous. 142 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,000 But I did it. I was like, "I'm volunteering." 143 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,734 [ Laughter ] 144 00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:59,567 I fucking hate that "me" so much, you know? 145 00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:02,767 But I did it. And I remember we were at the hospital. 146 00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:05,267 It's a very serious place. It's an army hospital. 147 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:08,901 And the army doctor is giving us a briefing about the soldier 148 00:08:08,901 --> 00:08:11,100 that I'm about to go in and see. 149 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:12,834 He says, "This kid's name is Travis. 150 00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:15,000 He's from Iowa. He's 20. 151 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,434 He was in Baghdad on patrol, 152 00:08:16,434 --> 00:08:19,100 and somebody threw an IUD." 153 00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,968 I mean IED. Sorry. 154 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:24,534 It wasn't -- It wasn't an IUD. 155 00:08:24,534 --> 00:08:26,968 That's not an effective weapon, really. 156 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:32,200 "Ugh." 157 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,200 [ Laughter ] 158 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,501 No. 159 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,634 That's funnier than the actual joke, unfortunately. 160 00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,901 But I'll go on. 161 00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:46,067 It was an IUD. 162 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:49,067 IED. Fuck! Fuck. 163 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,901 It's an improvised exploding device. 164 00:08:55,901 --> 00:08:57,467 You know, it's like a bag of ammonia 165 00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:59,434 with Canadian pennies in it. 166 00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:02,667 And they strap it to a Nokia flip phone 167 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:03,534 and, you know -- 168 00:09:03,534 --> 00:09:05,067 [ Imitating Nokia ring tone ] 169 00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,367 [ Imitates explosion ] You know. 170 00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:09,133 That's what happened to Travis. 171 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:18,367 So, the doctor says, "He's been in surgery for 20 hours. 172 00:09:18,367 --> 00:09:19,701 He's about to come out of it. 173 00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:21,767 You're the first face he's gonna see." 174 00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,534 [ Laughter ] 175 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,701 I was like, "Can we get his mom to open for me maybe?" 176 00:09:29,701 --> 00:09:33,033 [ Laughter ] 177 00:09:33,033 --> 00:09:34,701 "This is a bad idea." 178 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,367 So I asked the doctor. 179 00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:44,133 I said, "Hey, what do I fucking say to this kid?" 180 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,834 He says, "Here's what you don't say." 181 00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:49,067 He says, "Don't say, 'How you doing?'" 182 00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:51,767 And they tell you that. If you visit a trauma patient, 183 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:55,000 don't say, "How you doing?" It's stupid. 184 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,300 So, okay. I go in there. Travis is laying there. 185 00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,234 "Ugh..." 186 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:08,901 I'm, like, over his bed. It's obscene. 187 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,667 I can't say, "How you doing?" 188 00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:14,501 So I said the only worst thing. 189 00:10:14,501 --> 00:10:16,734 I said, "What are you gonna do now?" 190 00:10:16,734 --> 00:10:18,734 [ Laughter ] 191 00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,234 Anyway... 192 00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:32,534 [ Cheers and applause ] 193 00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:34,267 That's what happened with Travis. 194 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,200 But, you know... people's reaction 195 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,601 to terrible things is different depending -- 196 00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:41,701 Like, some people, you know, try to -- 197 00:10:41,701 --> 00:10:44,667 Like, I saw a store, and on the door, it said -- 198 00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:47,334 it said, "No hate allowed in here." 199 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:54,501 "Get the fuck out, hate, you piece of shit. 200 00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:56,701 If you come in here, hate, we'll fucking take you in the back 201 00:10:56,701 --> 00:10:59,667 and beat the fuck out of you." 202 00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:03,734 It's a weird idea to - 203 00:11:03,734 --> 00:11:06,968 No hate allowed in the store. I hate my dad. 204 00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:09,601 Am I supposed to stay out here 205 00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:11,968 and deal with it before I come in to buy... 206 00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,734 I saw a store with a sign once, 207 00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:23,100 and it said, "92% of our products 208 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,767 are responsibly sourced." 209 00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:27,767 Ninety -- 210 00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:30,467 Just don't put anything. 211 00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:32,834 That's... 212 00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:34,968 That's not high enough to brag. 213 00:11:34,968 --> 00:11:36,434 92%. 214 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:39,100 That means 8% of their clothes are like, 215 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:42,367 "You don't even want to know how we made this shit. 216 00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:45,934 It was a bloodbath when we made that shirt. 217 00:11:45,934 --> 00:11:48,267 We just ripped the back off the Honduran kid 218 00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,467 that was working there." 219 00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:51,834 [ Laughter ] 220 00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:56,667 Some things that are terrible happening in the world, 221 00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:57,968 you just kind of give up. 222 00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,234 Like, in New York, there's a lot of homeless people. 223 00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:00,968 There's a lot of homeless people here. 224 00:12:00,968 --> 00:12:02,367 I mean, not in here. 225 00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:04,667 Ha ha! There's none in here. 226 00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:07,901 Ha ha! There's none in here. 227 00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:09,467 There's none in here. 228 00:12:12,801 --> 00:12:16,200 Not even with a ticket he ain't getting in here. 229 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,968 They're not allowed to go where we go. 230 00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:20,367 They're just not allowed. 231 00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:23,467 That's the one part we all agree with. 232 00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:25,434 I don't know what to do about the homeless, 233 00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:28,767 but they're not coming in here. 234 00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,601 If you don't have your own indoors, 235 00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:33,000 you can't come into other people's indoors. 236 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:37,400 Those are the rules. Those are the rules we live by. 237 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,567 I've done benefit shows for homeless people 238 00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:43,434 where homeless people weren't allowed in the show. 239 00:12:43,434 --> 00:12:45,334 [ Laughter ] 240 00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:47,601 There's whole places they don't get to -- 241 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,701 Like the airport. They've never even seen an airport. 242 00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:53,801 You've never been at your gate, and some guy's like, 243 00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:55,834 "Hey, I'm trying to get to Tokyo. 244 00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:57,767 Can you help me out?" You know. 245 00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:59,467 [ Laughter ] 246 00:13:03,734 --> 00:13:06,934 But they're everywhere. I mean, I was in Phoenix, Arizona. 247 00:13:06,934 --> 00:13:10,000 120 degrees. 120 degrees. 248 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,033 Homeless people are just standing outside 249 00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:15,534 at intersections with a sign that says, you know, 250 00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:17,834 "Help. I'm on fire." And... 251 00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:21,067 [ Imitates steam hissing ] 252 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,100 But you can't -- You know, you're in a white BMW 253 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:27,000 like, "I -- Sorry. I can't. I can't. 254 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,801 There's glass here. I don't know how to help you," you know? 255 00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:32,200 [ Laughter ] 256 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,367 And in New York, you see them everywhere. 257 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:37,968 You walk through them, and you got to make choices 258 00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:40,367 because you can't help all of them... 259 00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:42,901 and you can't help any of them. 260 00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:45,267 So...you choose... 261 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:48,367 ...who to lie to. 262 00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:49,534 "I don't have any -- 263 00:13:49,534 --> 00:13:51,000 No. I don't -- 264 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,067 No things in any of my... 265 00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,501 Sorry." 266 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,133 [ Laughter ] 267 00:13:57,133 --> 00:13:58,901 Like, there's this homeless guy who lives, um -- 268 00:13:58,901 --> 00:14:00,734 I mean, he doesn't live anywhere. 269 00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:02,901 But I mean... 270 00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:06,300 By definition, he is at large. 271 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:12,100 But he's often seen... 272 00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:16,934 ...on the corner by my house. 273 00:14:16,934 --> 00:14:19,000 That's -- That's where he is every day. 274 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,734 That's where he reports to nothing every day. 275 00:14:21,734 --> 00:14:23,634 And I walk by him every day. Every day. 276 00:14:23,634 --> 00:14:25,501 Because I go to the same store every day. 277 00:14:25,501 --> 00:14:27,400 I go to Claire's. I don't know if you know Claire's. 278 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,400 It's a children's jewelry store. 279 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,968 I go in there every morning. 280 00:14:35,601 --> 00:14:37,634 Buy a handful of rhinestone earrings. 281 00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:39,901 I run home. Anyway... 282 00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:41,701 [ Laughter ] 283 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,033 I walk by this homeless guy, and every morning, he goes, 284 00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,501 "Hey, man. Can you help me out?" 285 00:14:48,501 --> 00:14:51,234 I go, "Okay." I give him five bucks. 286 00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:52,667 Then on the way home, like 20 minutes later, 287 00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:55,667 he said, "Hey, man." He doesn't remember. 288 00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:59,767 Which is fine, but I don't want to give him another five bucks. 289 00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,834 You know? 'Cause I only have a few million. 290 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:05,934 I don't know why. I should. Clearly I should. 291 00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:07,934 I don't know what makes me go like, 292 00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:11,300 "Mnh. You had your 5 dollars, young man." 293 00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:12,934 [ Laughter ] 294 00:15:12,934 --> 00:15:15,501 What, am I gonna spoil him? Give him the fucking money. 295 00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:17,567 [ Laughter ] 296 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,434 [ Sighs ] Anyway... 297 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,367 I'll tell you a little about my life. 298 00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:31,834 I, uh -- I was raised in an orphanage 299 00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:34,067 about a block from my parents' house. 300 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:37,501 And, uh... 301 00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:40,634 That's a joke. But my -- my father -- This is true. 302 00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:44,133 My father is Mexican, and, uh... 303 00:15:44,133 --> 00:15:45,434 [ Scattered cheers ] 304 00:15:45,434 --> 00:15:48,634 Hey. You're not supposed to be here. Anyway... 305 00:15:48,634 --> 00:15:51,534 No, but -- I won't, you know -- It's alright. 306 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,901 Good for you. Um... 307 00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:55,667 [ Laughter ] 308 00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:58,534 Naughty, naughty. Alright. 309 00:15:58,534 --> 00:16:01,267 My father's Mexican. 310 00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:03,367 My mother is dead. 311 00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:08,167 Uh, so I'm half-dead on my father's side. 312 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,067 On my mother's side. My father's a Mexican. 313 00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:11,601 A lot of people don't believe I'm Mexican. 314 00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:12,868 And when I tell them I'm Mexican, 315 00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,267 they say stupid things like, 316 00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:16,000 "Well, how can you look like that?" 317 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,300 What do you mean, how? 318 00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,400 Like I'm trying not to look Mexican? 319 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,334 Like, "No. Look. See? 320 00:16:23,334 --> 00:16:26,267 I'm not Mexican." 321 00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,901 Then I get home like, "Blblb. Señor." 322 00:16:28,901 --> 00:16:31,367 [ Laughter ] 323 00:16:38,634 --> 00:16:42,300 My parents divorced when I was about 10, 324 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,033 and now I have two kids, 325 00:16:44,033 --> 00:16:45,934 and their parents are divorced, too, 326 00:16:45,934 --> 00:16:47,701 which is interesting. 327 00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:49,801 Um, I remember when we got divorced 328 00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:52,033 and we told the kids because you should tell your kids 329 00:16:52,033 --> 00:16:54,067 if you're getting divorced. 330 00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:56,534 Don't just do it and wait for them to be like, "Hey..." 331 00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:59,234 "Yeah. Duh. Fucking..." You got to tell them. 332 00:16:59,234 --> 00:17:01,200 But, so, I remember it's a tricky thing 333 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,501 because they were little, and you got to tell them 334 00:17:03,501 --> 00:17:06,067 in a way that they can get in their life, you know? 335 00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,901 So I remember we sat the kids down 336 00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:13,100 and I said, "Listen. Love is tricky. 337 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:16,467 Like, you love your dog, right? You love your dog. 338 00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:18,467 You would do anything for your dog. 339 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,200 You even give your dog food off your plate when you're 340 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,734 not supposed to because you love your dog, right? 341 00:17:22,734 --> 00:17:24,400 One time remember your mom and I were like, 342 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,634 'Don't give the dog ham,' 343 00:17:25,634 --> 00:17:29,167 but you did because you love your dog so much. 344 00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:33,534 Okay, so that's why we're getting a divorce. 345 00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:38,100 Because you don't listen and..." 346 00:17:40,534 --> 00:17:43,601 "We can't take it anymore. It's too difficult. 347 00:17:43,601 --> 00:17:46,100 So we're going to move to separate homes 348 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:47,701 and each have you for half the week, 349 00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:52,300 because neither of us wants to be with you all the time. 350 00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:56,033 And it's very sad because I love your mother very, very much. 351 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,834 And she loves me very much. 352 00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:01,200 But we hate you more." 353 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,701 [ Laughter ] 354 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:10,934 So that's how we -- that's how we handled it. 355 00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:12,701 We just did our best. 356 00:18:12,701 --> 00:18:15,701 I remember my father was tough. 357 00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:17,234 My dad was tough. Mexican father. 358 00:18:17,234 --> 00:18:18,968 I remember one time I was 6 years old, 359 00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:21,534 I was crying, and my father said, 360 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:25,000 "I'll give you something to cry about." 361 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,801 And then he fucked me in the ass. 362 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,801 [ Laughter ] 363 00:18:33,534 --> 00:18:37,367 And you know what? He was right. 364 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,000 [ Clears throat ] I did cry. 365 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,067 [ Laughter ] 366 00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:44,133 And I realized that what I had been crying about 367 00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:46,467 was not that important, you know? 368 00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:51,901 So, you know, you got to teach your kids, man. 369 00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:53,667 You got to teach your kids. 370 00:18:56,634 --> 00:19:00,234 By the way, I should say to you that that's not true. 371 00:19:00,234 --> 00:19:01,567 That's not a true story. 372 00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:03,934 I should say that because my dad's still alive 373 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,334 and he could do it again. 374 00:19:06,334 --> 00:19:10,367 Um, so, yeah... it didn't really happen. 375 00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:12,634 Alright. 376 00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:14,667 Um -- Anyway. 377 00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:16,501 [ Laughter ] 378 00:19:16,501 --> 00:19:18,801 You got to teach your kids. And it's tricky, you know? 379 00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:20,367 Like, some people say you shouldn't -- 380 00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,000 You should tell your kids not to curse. 381 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,834 But I can't do that because it's what I do 382 00:19:23,834 --> 00:19:25,067 for a living, is cursing. 383 00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:27,200 But I didn't want my kids to be unpopular. 384 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,434 So I used to say to them, "Listen. There's no bad words. 385 00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:32,534 There's no bad words. All words are okay. 386 00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:35,367 But there's some words that certain people get upset 387 00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:36,701 when you use them. 388 00:19:36,701 --> 00:19:38,467 So if you're gonna use those words, 389 00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:39,868 look at the person first 390 00:19:39,868 --> 00:19:42,234 and try to guess if they're that kind of person." 391 00:19:42,234 --> 00:19:44,400 [ Laughter ] 392 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,200 It's tricky teaching your kids right from wrong 393 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,567 because people disagree 394 00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,567 about right and wrong in such big numbers. 395 00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,968 Like, millions of people think that abortion is wrong 396 00:19:54,968 --> 00:19:58,100 and millions of people think that abortion is great. 397 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,033 So that's confusing. 398 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,000 Personally, I don't think -- Here's what I think. 399 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,467 I think you should get an abortion. 400 00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:07,667 Right or wrong. Right or wrong. You should get one. 401 00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:11,534 You should get as many abortions as you can. 402 00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:16,634 I think you should try to get a lot of abortions. 403 00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:20,000 Here's why. Because it creates jobs. 404 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,000 [ Laughter ] 405 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,367 More abortions, more jobs. 406 00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:27,801 For the nurses and the doctors and the dumpster guy. 407 00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:30,234 Everybody gets a job. 408 00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:32,834 They need to work! 409 00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:35,000 How is he gonna feed his kids if you don't kill your kids? 410 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,000 That's what I'm saying. We're all in it together. 411 00:20:43,901 --> 00:20:46,601 Abortion is a big topic right now, of course, 412 00:20:46,601 --> 00:20:48,868 because Roe v. Wade was overturned. 413 00:20:48,868 --> 00:20:51,734 Roe versus Wade. We all know what this was. 414 00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:53,701 Roe versus Wade. It was a court case. 415 00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:56,200 Roe was a woman who wanted an abortion, 416 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,868 and Wade was the baby, I guess -- I don't know. 417 00:20:58,868 --> 00:21:00,968 [ Laughter ] 418 00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:05,234 I'm just... 419 00:21:05,234 --> 00:21:07,968 I'm just guessing. 420 00:21:07,968 --> 00:21:11,300 I never found out who Wade was. 421 00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,334 I'm just guessing that's the baby. 422 00:21:16,267 --> 00:21:19,400 But, anyway, now we need to make laws in place of that. 423 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,601 Every state has to make their own law about abortion, 424 00:21:21,601 --> 00:21:23,300 and they need to listen to the people. 425 00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:26,601 And I think the American people, on average, want the same thing. 426 00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,334 Most Americans want the same thing. 427 00:21:28,334 --> 00:21:30,400 They want abortion to be available 428 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,334 but, uh -- but just, eh, keep it down a little bit. 429 00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:34,033 Just, you know -- Just -- 430 00:21:34,033 --> 00:21:36,767 Just, eh, you know. 431 00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:39,834 "Yeah, go ahead, but don't be like, 'Whoo-hoo!'" 432 00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:42,000 Like, just, you know, take it easy on that. 433 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,200 Take it easy on that. That's all. 434 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,501 So we need a law that kind of gives you that. 435 00:21:47,501 --> 00:21:49,501 Here's what I think the law should be. 436 00:21:49,501 --> 00:21:51,834 You can get an abortion at any place, any time, 437 00:21:51,834 --> 00:21:53,701 but you have to eat it. 438 00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:55,033 I think -- 439 00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:59,868 Because that'll make you hesitate a little. 440 00:21:59,868 --> 00:22:05,033 "Ugh. Fuck. I gotta eat it? 441 00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,667 I better do it soon." 442 00:22:06,667 --> 00:22:08,267 [ Laughter ] 443 00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:17,834 I'm just trying to come up with something 444 00:22:17,834 --> 00:22:19,767 that makes everybody happy. 445 00:22:21,534 --> 00:22:23,901 It's a tricky subject. 446 00:22:23,901 --> 00:22:26,234 Some people have very extreme opinions about it. 447 00:22:26,234 --> 00:22:28,734 Some people think that condoms are murder. 448 00:22:28,734 --> 00:22:30,901 Some people think contraception is murder. 449 00:22:30,901 --> 00:22:32,100 If you put a condom on, 450 00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,968 you stop the sperm from getting to the egg. 451 00:22:34,968 --> 00:22:39,767 You killed and murdered a possible baby. 452 00:22:41,434 --> 00:22:44,000 By that logic, I could say that any woman that won't fuck me 453 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,501 is a murderer, which... 454 00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:49,033 [ Laughter ] 455 00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:51,167 Let me tell ya -- there's a lot of murdering bitches 456 00:22:51,167 --> 00:22:52,734 walking around out there. 457 00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:54,033 It's not cool. 458 00:22:57,601 --> 00:23:00,367 And murder is like -- It's weird because, like, 459 00:23:00,367 --> 00:23:04,801 when is murder...murder? 460 00:23:04,801 --> 00:23:07,467 Like, if you kill somebody, it's like, "Hey, he's a murderer." 461 00:23:07,467 --> 00:23:12,000 The people go, "Hey. We got to talk about it." 462 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,968 He killed him, but he might not be a murderer. 463 00:23:14,968 --> 00:23:17,167 Because if you murder -- Like, if you kill somebody, 464 00:23:17,167 --> 00:23:18,968 you know what they base your sentence on? 465 00:23:18,968 --> 00:23:23,334 They base it on how you felt when you killed them. 466 00:23:23,334 --> 00:23:26,033 That's weirdly important. 467 00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:29,601 They say, "Okay, you shot him in the face... 468 00:23:29,601 --> 00:23:31,267 but, like, what was up with you, man? 469 00:23:31,267 --> 00:23:34,167 Like, what was... Like, what was going on?" 470 00:23:34,167 --> 00:23:36,200 [ Laughter ] 471 00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:41,901 I think if you murder somebody, they should base your sentence 472 00:23:41,901 --> 00:23:45,801 on how old the person was that you murdered. 473 00:23:45,801 --> 00:23:47,601 How much of their life did you take? 474 00:23:47,601 --> 00:23:49,067 That should be your sentence. Like, if you see 475 00:23:49,067 --> 00:23:50,701 a 3-year-old girl in a park 476 00:23:50,701 --> 00:23:53,100 and you just kick her to death... 477 00:23:54,701 --> 00:23:57,534 It's a hypothetical. Fucking... 478 00:23:57,534 --> 00:24:00,100 I'm not advocating that. 479 00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:01,834 I'm not asking you to do that. 480 00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:05,167 I'm just asking you to just vividly imagine 481 00:24:05,167 --> 00:24:10,734 just kicking a 3-year-old kid who you know... 482 00:24:10,734 --> 00:24:11,968 until they're dead. 483 00:24:11,968 --> 00:24:13,501 You got to keep going until they're... 484 00:24:13,501 --> 00:24:15,334 [ Laughter ] 485 00:24:20,434 --> 00:24:21,701 Alright. 486 00:24:25,501 --> 00:24:28,133 If you -- If you kill a 3-year-old, 487 00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:29,467 you should do a lot of time. 488 00:24:29,467 --> 00:24:30,934 Unless he's got, like, diabetes or whatever. 489 00:24:30,934 --> 00:24:35,567 You got to figure all that in. But what if... 490 00:24:35,567 --> 00:24:39,467 What if you kill a guy who's, like, 98? 491 00:24:39,467 --> 00:24:42,200 He's 98. He's not even a good 98. 492 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,734 He's -- He's in a hospice. 493 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:46,234 You know what a hospice is? 494 00:24:46,234 --> 00:24:49,033 It's like a hospital, but they don't try to help you. 495 00:24:49,033 --> 00:24:52,634 It looks like a hospital, but the nurse just goes, 496 00:24:52,634 --> 00:24:56,100 "Yeah. He's dying. I..." 497 00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:59,968 So, what if a guy's 98 and he's laying in a hospice 498 00:24:59,968 --> 00:25:01,567 and he's got cancer 499 00:25:01,567 --> 00:25:04,734 and COVID and AIDS... and he's just, "Egh." 500 00:25:04,734 --> 00:25:08,701 And they already unplugged him. Nobody's even in there. 501 00:25:08,701 --> 00:25:10,234 And he's like, "Egh-egh-egh" 502 00:25:10,234 --> 00:25:12,234 Then you walk in. [ Imitates gunshots ] 503 00:25:15,701 --> 00:25:17,567 You should get like five minutes for that. 504 00:25:17,567 --> 00:25:18,801 That's what I'm saying. 505 00:25:18,801 --> 00:25:20,234 [ Laughter ] 506 00:25:22,501 --> 00:25:26,267 And I was thinking about that today. 507 00:25:26,267 --> 00:25:29,133 Because I'm going to see my dad next week. 508 00:25:29,133 --> 00:25:32,000 And my dad -- Let me tell you something. 509 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:35,000 My dad is not in a hospice. 510 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,767 He's in a facility being kept alive. 511 00:25:38,767 --> 00:25:41,934 Just -- "Come on!" 512 00:25:41,934 --> 00:25:43,767 Just putting food in and pbht! 513 00:25:43,767 --> 00:25:46,167 Like, what is the fucking point? 514 00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:49,534 What, does he have a secret he hasn't told yet? 515 00:25:49,534 --> 00:25:50,801 Why? 516 00:25:53,834 --> 00:25:57,634 Because my mom just died. She just died. 517 00:25:57,634 --> 00:26:00,534 That's what happens, by the way, for you young people. 518 00:26:00,534 --> 00:26:03,000 One of your parents is gonna die, 519 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:07,534 and the other one is just never gonna fucking die. 520 00:26:07,534 --> 00:26:10,534 They just will never die! 521 00:26:10,534 --> 00:26:12,133 [ Laughter ] 522 00:26:18,133 --> 00:26:21,234 And guess what. It's not the one you wanted. 523 00:26:21,234 --> 00:26:22,334 Nope. 524 00:26:22,334 --> 00:26:24,200 [ Laughter ] 525 00:26:26,534 --> 00:26:29,334 It's not your "good" parent. 526 00:26:29,334 --> 00:26:32,667 Nobody's got two good parents. 527 00:26:32,667 --> 00:26:35,868 You've got a shitty parent and a nice parent. 528 00:26:35,868 --> 00:26:37,501 And the nice one just dies 529 00:26:37,501 --> 00:26:38,968 because that's what nice people do. 530 00:26:38,968 --> 00:26:42,234 "I'll just die. It's okay. Don't worry about it." 531 00:26:42,234 --> 00:26:45,534 [ Laughter ] 532 00:26:45,534 --> 00:26:47,901 And the shitty one just hangs in there. 533 00:26:47,901 --> 00:26:50,501 [ Coughing ] 534 00:26:50,501 --> 00:26:53,334 "I'm still alive today!" 535 00:26:53,334 --> 00:26:55,067 [ Laughter ] 536 00:26:55,067 --> 00:26:58,167 "Help me to the toilet again!" 537 00:27:03,634 --> 00:27:06,801 What the fuck is the point? 538 00:27:06,801 --> 00:27:09,267 Of just like, "Come on! 539 00:27:09,267 --> 00:27:11,200 You gotta keep going!" 540 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,234 [ Laughter ] 541 00:27:13,234 --> 00:27:15,834 You know, the average American, the last week of your life 542 00:27:15,834 --> 00:27:18,634 costs $100,000. 543 00:27:18,634 --> 00:27:21,100 It's more than you spend your whole life on health care. 544 00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:25,834 $100,000 for just one more week! 545 00:27:25,834 --> 00:27:28,667 One more week of just, "Eghhhh." 546 00:27:28,667 --> 00:27:30,734 Just one more week 547 00:27:30,734 --> 00:27:34,167 so that last sister can fly in and hold his shitty hand. 548 00:27:34,167 --> 00:27:36,100 "Ehh..." 549 00:27:36,100 --> 00:27:38,000 $100,000. 550 00:27:39,968 --> 00:27:44,601 Pull the plug and buy a boat. That's all I'm saying. 551 00:27:44,601 --> 00:27:46,734 Because what is the point of -- 552 00:27:46,734 --> 00:27:51,300 "You got to live. You got to keep living no matter what." 553 00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:55,467 I think you can live too long. I think you can live too long. 554 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:58,567 Some people are 100. Get the fuck out of here. 555 00:27:58,567 --> 00:28:01,234 [ Laughter ] 556 00:28:01,234 --> 00:28:03,501 Nobody knows you! 557 00:28:06,300 --> 00:28:08,200 What, are you gonna run into somebody? 558 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,968 "Hey!" 559 00:28:09,968 --> 00:28:11,901 [ Laughter ] 560 00:28:17,334 --> 00:28:19,000 Some people are really fucking old. 561 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,400 I was reading about the oldest person in the world. 562 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,300 There's always an oldest person in the world. 563 00:28:24,300 --> 00:28:25,868 And you read about them sometimes 564 00:28:25,868 --> 00:28:27,300 because the other one just died. 565 00:28:27,300 --> 00:28:30,934 That's when they tell you about the new oldest person. 566 00:28:30,934 --> 00:28:35,334 The last one I read about, he was 114. A hundred -- 567 00:28:35,334 --> 00:28:38,767 You know -- He's a teenager after 100. 568 00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:40,767 [ Laughter ] 569 00:28:40,767 --> 00:28:45,934 114. That means he's got a kid who's like 92... 570 00:28:45,934 --> 00:28:48,767 who's like, "Please fucking die!" 571 00:28:48,767 --> 00:28:50,901 [ Laughter ] 572 00:28:50,901 --> 00:28:52,968 "I'm just hanging around so I can have one week 573 00:28:52,968 --> 00:28:54,968 without you in it!" 574 00:28:54,968 --> 00:28:56,334 [ Laughter ] 575 00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:03,467 I mean, I get it. It's scary. 576 00:29:03,467 --> 00:29:05,100 You don't want to die. Life is good, you know? 577 00:29:05,167 --> 00:29:07,067 You don't want to die. Death is a weird thing. 578 00:29:07,067 --> 00:29:08,767 Because when you -- Okay, when you're -- 579 00:29:08,767 --> 00:29:10,601 When you're like 30 -- Okay. That's about here. 580 00:29:10,601 --> 00:29:12,200 Okay. 30 is here. Okay. 581 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,067 That's birth. That's death over there. 582 00:29:15,067 --> 00:29:16,834 When you're 30, you don't even give a fuck 583 00:29:16,834 --> 00:29:18,467 because you're just, "Yeah, yeah. Hey." 584 00:29:18,467 --> 00:29:20,334 You don't realize that there's this movement. 585 00:29:20,334 --> 00:29:22,634 You don't even notice that you're, you know... 586 00:29:22,634 --> 00:29:26,200 "Eh, what's going on? Ehh. 587 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:27,601 I hated that movie." 588 00:29:27,601 --> 00:29:29,701 "Yeah. Me too..." 589 00:29:29,701 --> 00:29:32,534 And you kind of hear, way off, people falling off the edge. 590 00:29:32,534 --> 00:29:34,167 "Aah!" 591 00:29:34,167 --> 00:29:36,801 "Hm. I don't know. What was that? I don't know. 592 00:29:36,801 --> 00:29:38,801 That's okay." 593 00:29:38,801 --> 00:29:40,367 And before you think you should be there, 594 00:29:40,367 --> 00:29:42,734 you get right to the point -- You see somebody. "Aah!" 595 00:29:42,734 --> 00:29:44,701 "Oh, fuck. I knew that guy. Jesus Christ. 596 00:29:44,701 --> 00:29:47,067 Oh, no, no, no. Go ahead. I'm waiting for somebody. 597 00:29:47,067 --> 00:29:48,834 No. Go ahead. I'm sorry." 598 00:29:48,834 --> 00:29:50,767 And you want to hang around. 599 00:29:50,767 --> 00:29:53,734 But here's what helps you, is that life doesn't stay good. 600 00:29:53,734 --> 00:29:55,267 You know? Like, both my hands hurt. 601 00:29:55,267 --> 00:29:57,601 I'm 55. Both my hands hurt. 602 00:29:57,601 --> 00:29:59,968 Both my hands, both my knees, both my hips. 603 00:29:59,968 --> 00:30:02,267 I'm lucky I have only one asshole. 604 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:03,667 But I have a lot of pain. 605 00:30:03,667 --> 00:30:05,400 [ Laughter ] 606 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,767 I mean, there's some good things in life when you're older. 607 00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:12,267 Some people do extraordinary things. 608 00:30:12,267 --> 00:30:14,767 I watched a porn the other day. I watched a -- 609 00:30:14,767 --> 00:30:19,601 Okay. I didn't -- Somebody sent it to me. 610 00:30:19,601 --> 00:30:23,267 It's true. I mean, some porn is awful. 611 00:30:23,267 --> 00:30:28,033 You ever been watching a porn that's a little off the path? 612 00:30:28,033 --> 00:30:31,100 And you're like, "This is bad that I'm watching this. 613 00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:34,367 This is -- This is changing me. I can feel it. This is... 614 00:30:34,367 --> 00:30:36,767 This is evil." 615 00:30:36,767 --> 00:30:41,734 Then you look. It's got 375 million views. 616 00:30:41,734 --> 00:30:45,467 "I guess we're all watching this one. 617 00:30:45,467 --> 00:30:48,634 Either that, or I've lost track of how many times I've seen it. 618 00:30:48,634 --> 00:30:50,133 [ Laughter ] 619 00:30:53,033 --> 00:30:55,968 But a friend of mine sent me a porn. 620 00:30:55,968 --> 00:30:59,767 He said, "You need to watch this." 621 00:30:59,767 --> 00:31:03,701 So I click on it. It was two old men in their 90s. 622 00:31:03,701 --> 00:31:05,834 Just fucking sucking each other's cocks. 623 00:31:05,834 --> 00:31:08,100 It was unbelievable. 624 00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:11,367 They were so -- I was surprised they were doing anything. 625 00:31:11,367 --> 00:31:12,767 And there's like -- The one guy's 626 00:31:12,767 --> 00:31:15,400 sitting on the edge of the bed and his socks are falling, 627 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,534 you know? 628 00:31:17,534 --> 00:31:20,934 And the other one is just fucking sucking... 629 00:31:20,934 --> 00:31:24,567 [ Laughter ] 630 00:31:24,567 --> 00:31:27,267 And then they switch places. 631 00:31:27,267 --> 00:31:30,133 I watched long enough to see them switch places. 632 00:31:30,133 --> 00:31:31,968 [ Laughter ] 633 00:31:35,133 --> 00:31:38,400 And when the second guy was done -- 634 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,534 I mean, they didn't cum. Neither of them came. 635 00:31:41,534 --> 00:31:43,901 It was just like, "That's enough, Alfred. Thank you." 636 00:31:43,901 --> 00:31:45,901 [ Laughter ] 637 00:31:50,701 --> 00:31:54,767 But I call my friend. I said, "Why'd you show me this?" 638 00:31:57,067 --> 00:31:59,868 He said, "Because it's incredible." 639 00:31:59,868 --> 00:32:01,734 And it was, you know? I wasn't turned on. 640 00:32:01,734 --> 00:32:03,968 I was inspired. 641 00:32:03,968 --> 00:32:08,701 Because you worry about old guys, you know? 642 00:32:08,701 --> 00:32:11,934 [ Laughter ] 643 00:32:11,934 --> 00:32:14,267 You know when you see an old guy walking alone with a grapefruit 644 00:32:14,267 --> 00:32:17,801 in a plastic bag and he's just... 645 00:32:17,801 --> 00:32:19,400 And you just stand there watching him and you go, 646 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,400 "Fuck. God damn it, man." 647 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,100 Well, maybe he's going to suck another old guy's cock. 648 00:32:25,100 --> 00:32:28,267 [ Laughter ] 649 00:32:28,267 --> 00:32:30,968 Life might not be as bad as you think, you know? 650 00:32:30,968 --> 00:32:32,968 [ Laughter ] 651 00:32:36,334 --> 00:32:38,334 -[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah. 652 00:32:42,133 --> 00:32:43,734 Alright. 653 00:32:45,100 --> 00:32:47,400 Fucking water's all the way here. 654 00:32:51,067 --> 00:32:52,901 Hi. How you doing? 655 00:32:52,901 --> 00:32:54,868 -I love you! -Alright. More jokes. 656 00:32:54,868 --> 00:32:56,167 Anyway... 657 00:32:56,167 --> 00:32:58,067 [ Laughs ] 658 00:32:58,067 --> 00:33:01,033 I like life very much. I do. 659 00:33:01,033 --> 00:33:05,200 Um, I like doing this because I get to travel 660 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:07,234 and I love going to other countries. 661 00:33:07,234 --> 00:33:09,400 I've been to a lot of other countries this year. 662 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,367 I played a lot in Europe and stuff. Here's the thing. 663 00:33:11,367 --> 00:33:13,901 There's a trade-off when you travel to other countries. 664 00:33:13,901 --> 00:33:16,200 Because you don't get the things that you're used to, 665 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,400 but you do get other things that you didn't have before. 666 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,701 Like, I was in Sweden. 667 00:33:20,701 --> 00:33:23,634 Okay, if you're in Sweden at a hotel, you get breakfast. 668 00:33:23,634 --> 00:33:26,234 If you want maple syrup, they don't have it. 669 00:33:26,234 --> 00:33:28,701 They don't have maple syrup, but they do have... 670 00:33:28,701 --> 00:33:31,434 [ Speaking Swedish gibberish ] 671 00:33:31,434 --> 00:33:33,601 [ Laughter ] 672 00:33:35,934 --> 00:33:37,067 "Do you have maple syrup?" 673 00:33:37,067 --> 00:33:38,267 "No, but we have... 674 00:33:38,267 --> 00:33:43,000 [ Speaking Swedish gibberish ] 675 00:33:45,067 --> 00:33:47,300 "I'll have that. That sounds good." 676 00:33:47,300 --> 00:33:49,267 [ Laughter ] 677 00:33:49,267 --> 00:33:51,934 It's the same all over the world. 678 00:33:51,934 --> 00:33:55,000 You go to Tokyo. "Hey. Do you have peanut butter?" 679 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:56,200 "No, but we have... 680 00:33:56,200 --> 00:34:04,901 [ Shouting Japanese gibberish ] 681 00:34:11,534 --> 00:34:13,133 "I don't know. Is that spicy?" 682 00:34:13,133 --> 00:34:15,000 [ Laughter ] 683 00:34:18,968 --> 00:34:22,133 It's the same all over the world. 684 00:34:22,133 --> 00:34:25,000 You go to Africa... 685 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,067 Oh, okay. Just the Japanese and the Swedish. 686 00:34:27,067 --> 00:34:30,133 Yeah. No. Yeah. Good call. 687 00:34:30,133 --> 00:34:32,267 Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. 688 00:34:32,267 --> 00:34:34,033 Fuck the Swedish or the Japanese. 689 00:34:34,033 --> 00:34:37,133 But lay off the Africans 'cause they don't -- 690 00:34:37,133 --> 00:34:38,868 They can't take a joke. 691 00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:41,067 Yeah, they're a very fragile people in Africa. 692 00:34:41,067 --> 00:34:43,067 They need some fucking people in New York 693 00:34:43,067 --> 00:34:44,367 to protect them from humor. 694 00:34:44,367 --> 00:34:47,834 That's a good -- good -- Way to be on it, guys. 695 00:34:47,834 --> 00:34:51,067 Fair enough. Fair enough. 696 00:34:51,067 --> 00:34:52,534 [ Cheers and applause ] 697 00:34:55,667 --> 00:34:56,868 Eh, fuck it. 698 00:34:56,868 --> 00:34:58,634 [ Singing gibberish ] 699 00:34:58,634 --> 00:35:00,501 I don't know. Whatever. Anyway... 700 00:35:00,501 --> 00:35:02,934 [ Laughter ] 701 00:35:09,167 --> 00:35:11,734 I love traveling. I... 702 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:18,534 I was on a plane the other day. I farted so many times. 703 00:35:18,534 --> 00:35:23,200 God damn it. God damn it. I farted so many times. 704 00:35:27,567 --> 00:35:30,000 You know when you're on a plane and you fart a couple of times 705 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,234 and you're like, "Fair is fair. Everybody's farting." 706 00:35:32,234 --> 00:35:34,300 [ Laughter ] 707 00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:35,968 But you ever just keep farting and you're like, 708 00:35:35,968 --> 00:35:37,334 "This might be an issue. 709 00:35:37,334 --> 00:35:40,334 This is -- This is a lot of farting. 710 00:35:40,334 --> 00:35:44,534 This might be the most times anybody ever farted anywhere." 711 00:35:44,534 --> 00:35:46,467 And I was worried. Sure enough, when I landed, 712 00:35:46,467 --> 00:35:49,634 they gave me the airplane. 713 00:35:49,634 --> 00:35:53,534 They're like, "You ruined it. Just fucking take it home. 714 00:35:53,534 --> 00:35:56,267 We tried flying it around with the doors all open." 715 00:35:56,267 --> 00:35:57,834 [ Laughter ] 716 00:36:03,601 --> 00:36:05,767 I got stopped in security the other day 717 00:36:05,767 --> 00:36:07,701 because of my carry-on bag, you know? 718 00:36:07,701 --> 00:36:09,534 When they put it through the thing 719 00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:11,400 to make sure you don't have a gun in your carr-- 720 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,868 Who's still doing that? Who's still trying? 721 00:36:13,868 --> 00:36:17,200 "Hey, maybe this time they'll let me get through with a gun. 722 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,367 Shit. It's gonna be a tough year." 723 00:36:19,367 --> 00:36:21,000 [ Laughter ] 724 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,934 They stopped my bag. I had clay in my bag. 725 00:36:23,934 --> 00:36:25,534 I sometimes travel with clay. I'm not an artist, 726 00:36:25,534 --> 00:36:29,467 but I just like -- I just make little dicks. 727 00:36:29,467 --> 00:36:34,000 They're this big, and I just -- They're perfect. And I make it. 728 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,734 And I hold it and I walk around town with it. Nobody knows. 729 00:36:36,734 --> 00:36:38,534 [ Laughter ] 730 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,334 Shh. 731 00:36:42,334 --> 00:36:46,067 And then when I get frustrated, I just smush it. 732 00:36:46,067 --> 00:36:48,501 "And now you're nothing. Now you're nothing." 733 00:36:48,501 --> 00:36:51,968 Anyway, it's relaxing. 734 00:36:51,968 --> 00:36:53,634 So I had clay in my bag. 735 00:36:53,634 --> 00:36:57,868 I didn't think this was an issue for security until I saw her -- 736 00:36:57,868 --> 00:37:02,100 She took the plastic bag of gray clay out of my -- She goes -- 737 00:37:02,100 --> 00:37:05,367 It looks like C-4 plastic explosive, you know, like a lot. 738 00:37:05,367 --> 00:37:06,734 She says, "What is this?" 739 00:37:06,734 --> 00:37:08,434 And I go, "That's clay from an art store." 740 00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:12,067 She goes, "No. I can't let you have that." 741 00:37:12,067 --> 00:37:14,100 I said, "Okay." 742 00:37:14,100 --> 00:37:16,167 So she put it away and she said, 743 00:37:16,167 --> 00:37:19,234 "Have a nice flight." 744 00:37:19,234 --> 00:37:22,601 I'm like, "Look, either that's a bomb or it's not." 745 00:37:22,601 --> 00:37:24,801 [ Laughter ] 746 00:37:27,167 --> 00:37:31,767 Like, either -- Give me my fucking clay back. 747 00:37:31,767 --> 00:37:34,968 Or ask me many questions, please. 748 00:37:34,968 --> 00:37:36,901 [ Laughter ] 749 00:37:36,901 --> 00:37:40,467 That can't be the procedure. 750 00:37:40,467 --> 00:37:42,100 "Hey, this guy has a bomb in his bag." 751 00:37:42,100 --> 00:37:44,467 "Oh, yeah. He can't take it on the plane. I'm sorry." 752 00:37:44,467 --> 00:37:46,801 [ Laughter ] 753 00:37:46,801 --> 00:37:49,200 "No. You -- We'll throw it out for you. 754 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:52,033 But you can't take it on the plane because -- 755 00:37:52,033 --> 00:37:53,467 I don't know. It's stupid. I know..." 756 00:37:57,300 --> 00:37:59,200 But I love traveling because you see people. 757 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:02,033 I love to see people. I watch people in their lives. 758 00:38:02,033 --> 00:38:04,767 That's the fun part. I was in Glasgow, Scotland. 759 00:38:04,767 --> 00:38:06,567 I saw something I hadn't seen before. 760 00:38:06,567 --> 00:38:10,334 It was an old Scottish man with a little boy holding his hand, 761 00:38:10,334 --> 00:38:12,734 and they were walking together, really sweet. 762 00:38:12,734 --> 00:38:14,033 Then they get to the train, 763 00:38:14,033 --> 00:38:15,734 and the man says goodbye to the little boy. 764 00:38:15,734 --> 00:38:19,634 He kisses him on the lips for a long time. 765 00:38:19,634 --> 00:38:21,100 I was like, "Fuck! They do that here?" 766 00:38:21,100 --> 00:38:24,067 Like, it's, like, making out with him. Like, just kissing. 767 00:38:24,067 --> 00:38:26,767 And the kid had his hand on the back of the guy's neck. 768 00:38:26,767 --> 00:38:28,501 Just, "Mmm!" 769 00:38:28,501 --> 00:38:32,100 And I was like, "Oh, no!" 770 00:38:32,100 --> 00:38:33,634 Then I look closer and I realize, 771 00:38:33,634 --> 00:38:35,767 "Oh, it's not a kid. It's an old lady." 772 00:38:35,767 --> 00:38:38,601 It's like a little Scottish old lady 773 00:38:38,601 --> 00:38:40,801 with red hair, you know? 774 00:38:42,667 --> 00:38:45,901 Then I looked even closer and realized, "Oh, no, it is a kid." 775 00:38:45,901 --> 00:38:48,033 [ Laughter ] 776 00:38:48,033 --> 00:38:52,267 And he looks really old 'cause life is hard there. 777 00:38:52,267 --> 00:38:55,601 His dad keeps making out with him. 778 00:38:55,601 --> 00:38:57,767 That'll put the miles on your face. 779 00:39:00,834 --> 00:39:03,701 I was in Ohio, and I went to the zoo. 780 00:39:03,701 --> 00:39:06,234 You go to the zoo when you're at another town, right? 781 00:39:06,234 --> 00:39:09,667 You don't go to the zoo where you live. 782 00:39:09,667 --> 00:39:11,567 It's not like you're at your office. 783 00:39:11,567 --> 00:39:15,200 "Fuck. I should hit the zoo. 784 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:19,133 Shit! It's gonna close. God damn it." 785 00:39:19,133 --> 00:39:20,534 [ Laughter ] 786 00:39:20,534 --> 00:39:25,534 "I just really want to see a monkey right now really bad. 787 00:39:25,534 --> 00:39:26,834 It's gonna be a bad night 788 00:39:26,834 --> 00:39:29,901 if I don't look at a monkey right in the face. 789 00:39:29,901 --> 00:39:32,434 Gotta hit both my kids if I don't see a monkey." 790 00:39:32,434 --> 00:39:34,601 [ Laughter ] 791 00:39:37,601 --> 00:39:40,934 So I went to a zoo with my friend in Ohio. 792 00:39:40,934 --> 00:39:43,100 We went to see the lion. It's always a shit lion. 793 00:39:43,100 --> 00:39:46,100 It's never a good lion. He's never going, "Rerh!" 794 00:39:46,100 --> 00:39:50,434 He's just laying on a fake rock eating lamb from a Costco. 795 00:39:52,300 --> 00:39:54,167 And my friend said, "That's depressing. 796 00:39:54,167 --> 00:39:56,067 They should free that lion." 797 00:39:56,067 --> 00:39:58,200 [ Laughter ] 798 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,834 It's like, "What are you seeing in your mind right now?" 799 00:40:01,834 --> 00:40:04,467 He said, "They should take him to Africa." 800 00:40:04,467 --> 00:40:07,868 And what? Just let him out of the car? 801 00:40:07,868 --> 00:40:10,334 "Hey. Good luck, lion." 802 00:40:10,334 --> 00:40:13,100 And the lion's like, "What the fuck is this shit?" 803 00:40:16,467 --> 00:40:18,534 Then the African lions find him. 804 00:40:18,534 --> 00:40:21,534 They're like, "Hey, how ya doin'? 805 00:40:21,534 --> 00:40:24,067 Where you from?" 806 00:40:24,067 --> 00:40:26,601 "Columbus, Ohio." 807 00:40:26,601 --> 00:40:29,767 "Alright! Well, why don't you lift that tail? 808 00:40:29,767 --> 00:40:32,267 'Cause my dick is going right in your ass." 809 00:40:32,267 --> 00:40:34,367 [ Laughter ] 810 00:40:44,801 --> 00:40:46,601 I like animals. 811 00:40:48,834 --> 00:40:51,734 Some people think animals are better than us. 812 00:40:51,734 --> 00:40:54,467 I heard somebody say, "Animals don't lie." 813 00:40:54,467 --> 00:40:56,834 Yes, they do. They lie all the time. 814 00:40:56,834 --> 00:41:00,434 Like, "I'm a leaf." You know? 815 00:41:00,434 --> 00:41:01,868 No, you're not. You're a bug. 816 00:41:01,868 --> 00:41:05,501 "Fuck you. I'm a leaf. Come on. Shut up." 817 00:41:05,501 --> 00:41:07,567 Some animals I hate. I hate cockroaches. 818 00:41:07,567 --> 00:41:11,033 I hate -- Even seeing a cockroach, it's upsetting. 819 00:41:11,033 --> 00:41:13,534 I wonder if they upset each other. 820 00:41:13,534 --> 00:41:15,234 The cockroach is at home, and his friend walks up. 821 00:41:15,234 --> 00:41:17,901 "Oh, fuck. Henry, don't. Please. That's gross." 822 00:41:17,901 --> 00:41:19,801 [ Laughter ] 823 00:41:19,801 --> 00:41:21,367 I like watching shows about animals. 824 00:41:21,367 --> 00:41:23,601 I was watching a show about a veterinarian. 825 00:41:23,601 --> 00:41:25,968 And he did that thing. He was on a farm. 826 00:41:25,968 --> 00:41:29,634 You know when the veterinarian puts a glove on up to here 827 00:41:29,634 --> 00:41:32,501 and he puts his whole arm in a cow's vagina. 828 00:41:32,501 --> 00:41:35,300 And then he goes like this. 829 00:41:35,300 --> 00:41:36,834 Okay, here's what's gonna happen. 830 00:41:36,834 --> 00:41:39,534 [ Laughter ] 831 00:41:39,534 --> 00:41:41,801 I want to have that experience. 832 00:41:43,701 --> 00:41:45,434 Here's the good news. Here's what I found out. 833 00:41:45,434 --> 00:41:47,434 You don't need to be a doctor to do that. 834 00:41:47,434 --> 00:41:50,000 [ Laughter ] 835 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,467 Here's the other good news. You don't need that glove. 836 00:41:52,467 --> 00:41:55,567 [ Laughter ] 837 00:41:55,567 --> 00:41:59,601 You don't need any special education or attire. 838 00:41:59,601 --> 00:42:02,133 Just pull over if you see a cow. 839 00:42:02,133 --> 00:42:04,334 [ Laughter ] 840 00:42:18,868 --> 00:42:20,367 Hmm. 841 00:42:22,367 --> 00:42:24,868 How's it goin'? 842 00:42:24,868 --> 00:42:27,334 Just another minute. Just give me another minute. 843 00:42:31,501 --> 00:42:33,267 I like vaginas. 844 00:42:35,334 --> 00:42:37,534 I do. Vaginas are -- 845 00:42:37,534 --> 00:42:40,767 They're mysterious. Not all of them. 846 00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:42,534 Some of them, you're like, "Yeah, I get it." 847 00:42:42,534 --> 00:42:44,601 [ Laughter ] 848 00:42:48,100 --> 00:42:52,200 Vaginas and penises are different. 849 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,467 I'm gonna talk about the difference between penises 850 00:42:54,467 --> 00:42:56,300 and vaginas. Comedians used to talk 851 00:42:56,300 --> 00:42:58,100 about the difference between men and women, 852 00:42:58,100 --> 00:42:59,634 but you can't really do that anymore 853 00:42:59,634 --> 00:43:03,067 because they're not as different as they used to be. 854 00:43:03,067 --> 00:43:05,968 And there's more genders. There's a bunch of more genders. 855 00:43:05,968 --> 00:43:09,801 But there's not more genitalia. There's still just the two. 856 00:43:09,801 --> 00:43:12,133 There's no weird moments like, "Hey, that's a nice penis." 857 00:43:12,133 --> 00:43:14,033 "Actually, it's a fachamba." 858 00:43:14,033 --> 00:43:15,934 You know? That doesn't happen. 859 00:43:15,934 --> 00:43:17,934 [ Laughter ] 860 00:43:20,300 --> 00:43:23,634 But they are. 861 00:43:23,634 --> 00:43:25,901 Penises and vaginas are different. 862 00:43:25,901 --> 00:43:28,567 Here's one difference. You can cut off a penis. 863 00:43:28,567 --> 00:43:30,033 You could just cut it off. Chh! 864 00:43:30,033 --> 00:43:32,367 And it'll fall right in the soup. 865 00:43:32,367 --> 00:43:34,067 [ Laughter ] 866 00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:38,100 Vagina. You can't cut off a vagina. 867 00:43:38,100 --> 00:43:39,501 I mean, you can scoop it out 868 00:43:39,501 --> 00:43:41,801 like a grapefruit section, you know? 869 00:43:41,801 --> 00:43:44,534 But all you did was make a bigger vagina. 870 00:43:44,534 --> 00:43:46,501 [ Laughter ] 871 00:43:51,267 --> 00:43:53,033 I kind of like it better when only half of you 872 00:43:53,033 --> 00:43:54,734 laugh at some of this stuff. 873 00:43:54,734 --> 00:43:56,067 Like, it's... 874 00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:59,167 It's -- It's fun. 875 00:43:59,167 --> 00:44:01,167 Um, alright. 876 00:44:01,167 --> 00:44:03,200 [ Cheers and applause ] 877 00:44:08,801 --> 00:44:10,300 So I was -- I was thinking about -- 878 00:44:10,300 --> 00:44:12,033 You know what I was thinking about today? 879 00:44:12,033 --> 00:44:14,634 I was thinking about Jesus. 880 00:44:14,634 --> 00:44:18,767 I was. I was thinking about Jesus. 881 00:44:18,767 --> 00:44:20,934 And after I came, I thought that... 882 00:44:20,934 --> 00:44:22,467 [ Laughter ] 883 00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:32,534 Here's what I think. Here's what I think about Jesus. 884 00:44:32,534 --> 00:44:34,100 Because I was raised Catholic. 885 00:44:34,100 --> 00:44:37,534 And my main feeling about Jesus is that I feel sorry for him. 886 00:44:37,534 --> 00:44:40,767 I feel sorry for Jesus. I think he had a hard life. 887 00:44:40,767 --> 00:44:43,801 The last day was particularly difficult, but... 888 00:44:43,801 --> 00:44:45,234 He had a hard life, Jesus. 889 00:44:45,234 --> 00:44:47,234 He had to wear that underwear, that thong. 890 00:44:47,234 --> 00:44:49,300 Just that fucking dishrag. 891 00:44:49,300 --> 00:44:51,901 Just burlap yanked up. Ugh! 892 00:44:51,901 --> 00:44:53,534 Imagine? 893 00:44:53,534 --> 00:44:55,934 Just the rash. Fuck. 894 00:44:59,801 --> 00:45:01,968 But I've been thinking a lot about Jesus, 895 00:45:01,968 --> 00:45:03,701 and I've been thinking about a lot about his life. 896 00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:05,300 And I started reading a book. I have one here. 897 00:45:05,300 --> 00:45:07,367 I have a book about Jesus right here 898 00:45:07,367 --> 00:45:09,234 that I want to share with you. 899 00:45:09,234 --> 00:45:11,901 This is a book about Jesus Christ. 900 00:45:11,901 --> 00:45:13,334 Just give me a minute here. 901 00:45:16,801 --> 00:45:20,567 Okay. This is a book about Jesus. 902 00:45:20,567 --> 00:45:24,334 Actually, the whole book is not about Jesus. 903 00:45:24,334 --> 00:45:27,868 Only this much. Only that much is about Jesus. 904 00:45:27,868 --> 00:45:30,167 The rest of it is the Jews going like, 905 00:45:30,167 --> 00:45:34,400 "And then we walked for 50 years in the desert 906 00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:36,934 and we only had a little bit of oil! 907 00:45:36,934 --> 00:45:38,467 It was difficult!" 908 00:45:38,467 --> 00:45:41,634 It's -- It -- Fucking -- It's verbose. 909 00:45:41,634 --> 00:45:43,834 It's a lot. Look at that. 910 00:45:43,834 --> 00:45:46,400 It's just Je-w-w-w-ws just -- fucking -- 911 00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:49,267 "And then Jacob bought a goat. 912 00:45:49,267 --> 00:45:52,501 And he had Isaac, 913 00:45:52,501 --> 00:45:55,434 who had Rose, who had Abraham." 914 00:45:55,434 --> 00:45:57,334 I mean -- 915 00:45:57,334 --> 00:45:59,634 "And Abraham lived to be 800." 916 00:45:59,634 --> 00:46:01,601 Yeah, I bet he did, too. 917 00:46:01,601 --> 00:46:05,367 [ Laughter ] 918 00:46:05,367 --> 00:46:08,033 The Jews in the early chapters are all like 800. 919 00:46:08,033 --> 00:46:10,701 And then God was like, "I can't with these fucking Jews 920 00:46:10,701 --> 00:46:12,167 for 800 years. 921 00:46:12,167 --> 00:46:13,501 I can't. 922 00:46:15,234 --> 00:46:19,033 We're starting heart disease right now. 923 00:46:19,033 --> 00:46:21,033 Cut 'em down to 10%." 924 00:46:21,033 --> 00:46:24,667 [ Laughter ] 925 00:46:24,667 --> 00:46:28,901 So that's the Jews' part. 926 00:46:28,901 --> 00:46:30,968 And this is the Jesus part. 927 00:46:30,968 --> 00:46:32,534 And they tell you the life of Jesus. 928 00:46:32,534 --> 00:46:34,734 But here's the weird part -- they tell it to you again 929 00:46:34,734 --> 00:46:36,367 and again and again and again. 930 00:46:36,367 --> 00:46:38,067 They keep telling the same story. 931 00:46:38,067 --> 00:46:39,801 First Matthew tells it. 932 00:46:39,801 --> 00:46:41,934 And then Mark is like, "Dude, that's not what the fuck -- 933 00:46:41,934 --> 00:46:44,901 Let me tell you what happened. Let me tell you. 934 00:46:44,901 --> 00:46:48,434 Hey, Paul. Shut up. You weren't even here." 935 00:46:48,434 --> 00:46:50,834 And I started reading it because I never read it before, 936 00:46:50,834 --> 00:46:52,868 you know, because I was raised Catholic. 937 00:46:52,868 --> 00:46:54,767 [ Laughter ] 938 00:46:54,767 --> 00:46:56,133 It's true. 939 00:46:56,133 --> 00:47:00,968 Catholic Church -- they do not encourage reading. 940 00:47:00,968 --> 00:47:03,834 The Jews read their shit in Hebrew. 941 00:47:03,834 --> 00:47:06,067 And down south, they fucking read the Bible. 942 00:47:06,067 --> 00:47:07,434 That's what they do. 943 00:47:07,434 --> 00:47:08,901 But the Catholics, they want you to come in. 944 00:47:08,901 --> 00:47:10,701 They want you to come in so they can tell you. 945 00:47:10,701 --> 00:47:12,434 They want you to sit down and they tell you, 946 00:47:12,434 --> 00:47:14,200 and you're like, "Could I read the book?" 947 00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:16,701 "No, no, I got it. Just put the book down. Put it down. I'll tell you. 948 00:47:16,701 --> 00:47:18,067 What? What, you don't fucking believe me? 949 00:47:18,067 --> 00:47:20,234 Listen. I'll tell you what happened." 950 00:47:20,234 --> 00:47:22,033 [ Laughter ] 951 00:47:22,033 --> 00:47:23,968 So I got interested in it 952 00:47:23,968 --> 00:47:27,200 because I had a feeling about Jesus as a person. 953 00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:28,667 And there is -- It's interesting 954 00:47:28,667 --> 00:47:31,434 'cause when you actually read it, 955 00:47:31,434 --> 00:47:32,868 it's not as lofty. 956 00:47:32,868 --> 00:47:34,834 It's, like, just regular people. 957 00:47:34,834 --> 00:47:36,701 Like, here's -- here's this story of Jesus 958 00:47:36,701 --> 00:47:38,434 turning water into wine, okay? 959 00:47:38,434 --> 00:47:41,868 This is John, chapter 2. 960 00:47:41,868 --> 00:47:43,334 Okay? 961 00:47:43,334 --> 00:47:45,868 "The word of the Lord." Okay. Here we go. 962 00:47:45,868 --> 00:47:48,334 Okay. Here's what -- Here's what it says. 963 00:47:48,334 --> 00:47:49,734 Just -- Just listen... 964 00:47:49,734 --> 00:47:51,400 [ Cheers and applause ] 965 00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,300 Just listen to the first part. 966 00:47:54,300 --> 00:47:56,033 Okay. 967 00:47:56,033 --> 00:47:57,701 [Dramatic voice] "And the third day, there was 968 00:47:57,701 --> 00:48:00,601 a marriage in Cana of Galilee, 969 00:48:00,601 --> 00:48:03,467 and the mother of Jesus was there. 970 00:48:03,467 --> 00:48:08,033 And both Jesus was called and his disciples to the wedding. 971 00:48:08,033 --> 00:48:09,968 And when they wanted wine, 972 00:48:09,968 --> 00:48:12,801 the mother of Jesus sayeth unto him... 973 00:48:12,801 --> 00:48:14,601 [Nasally voice] 'They have no wine here.'" 974 00:48:14,601 --> 00:48:16,901 [ Laughter ] 975 00:48:23,167 --> 00:48:26,000 This is just anybody's mom at a wedding! 976 00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:28,167 [ Laughter ] 977 00:48:28,167 --> 00:48:31,267 "They have no wine, Jesus!" 978 00:48:31,267 --> 00:48:34,400 [ Laughter ] 979 00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:39,367 And then listen to this. Listen to this. 980 00:48:39,367 --> 00:48:41,667 [Dramatic voice] "And Jesus sayeth unto her... 981 00:48:41,667 --> 00:48:44,267 'Woman, what have I to do with thee?'" 982 00:48:44,267 --> 00:48:46,334 [ Laughter ] 983 00:48:50,801 --> 00:48:54,133 Jesus is like, "Mom! Don't! 984 00:48:54,133 --> 00:48:55,901 Fucking don't!" 985 00:48:55,901 --> 00:48:57,501 [ Laughter ] 986 00:49:00,901 --> 00:49:03,033 Anyway, I won't read the whole thing out of there, 987 00:49:03,033 --> 00:49:06,868 but it's a weird story because he's at a wedding 988 00:49:06,868 --> 00:49:08,434 and they don't have any wine, so he goes to the guy 989 00:49:08,434 --> 00:49:10,000 who runs the wedding and he goes, "Hey, what's up?" 990 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:13,000 And the guy goes, "Yeah, sorry. There's no wine." 991 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:16,501 And Jesus says, "Look in the water barrel." 992 00:49:16,501 --> 00:49:18,801 That's all he says. "Just look in the water barrel." 993 00:49:18,801 --> 00:49:20,934 Like a close-up magician. Like, "Flip over the card. 994 00:49:20,934 --> 00:49:22,467 Maybe it's not the red queen." 995 00:49:22,467 --> 00:49:25,167 [ Laughter ] 996 00:49:25,167 --> 00:49:26,868 So the guy looks in the water barrel, 997 00:49:26,868 --> 00:49:31,133 and he had turned it all into wine, and everyone rejoiced. 998 00:49:31,133 --> 00:49:33,100 Except the guy running the wedding 999 00:49:33,100 --> 00:49:36,300 was probably like, "We did need some water." 1000 00:49:36,300 --> 00:49:38,033 [ Laughter ] 1001 00:49:39,834 --> 00:49:42,634 "This is actually a bigger problem." 1002 00:49:42,634 --> 00:49:44,667 I have a feeling a lot of his miracles 1003 00:49:44,667 --> 00:49:48,200 were met with mixed... 1004 00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:51,701 Like, "Ah. Thanks...Jesus. That's... 1005 00:49:51,701 --> 00:49:54,968 Fuck. 1006 00:49:54,968 --> 00:49:57,033 That's a lot of fucking fish, Jesus." 1007 00:49:57,033 --> 00:49:59,000 [ Laughter ] 1008 00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:04,234 Like Lazarus. Lazarus. 1009 00:50:04,234 --> 00:50:06,767 Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. 1010 00:50:06,767 --> 00:50:09,801 Lazarus had been dead for four days. 1011 00:50:09,801 --> 00:50:11,434 And Jesus went to his tomb 1012 00:50:11,434 --> 00:50:16,000 and he just said, "Rise, Lazarus!" 1013 00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:17,801 And it worked. 1014 00:50:17,801 --> 00:50:23,367 Lazarus came out of the tomb like, "Eghhhh." 1015 00:50:23,367 --> 00:50:25,400 And Lazarus' wife was like, 1016 00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:27,801 "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" 1017 00:50:27,801 --> 00:50:30,534 [ Laughter ] 1018 00:50:30,534 --> 00:50:32,934 "I thought this day could not get worse." 1019 00:50:37,234 --> 00:50:41,033 But here's the story I wanted to share with you. 1020 00:50:41,033 --> 00:50:42,868 Because this story is really weird. 1021 00:50:42,868 --> 00:50:44,901 I didn't know this story till I sat down 1022 00:50:44,901 --> 00:50:46,167 and read the whole book. 1023 00:50:46,167 --> 00:50:48,033 I mean, the Jesus part. 1024 00:50:48,033 --> 00:50:49,467 I read the whole thing, 1025 00:50:49,467 --> 00:50:51,167 and I found this story that I never heard before. 1026 00:50:51,167 --> 00:50:52,834 And I've seen every Jesus movie, 1027 00:50:52,834 --> 00:50:56,100 and this is not in any Jesus movie. 1028 00:50:56,100 --> 00:50:58,367 This is not a very told story 1029 00:50:58,367 --> 00:51:00,601 because it's not clear what it means. 1030 00:51:00,601 --> 00:51:02,033 It doesn't have a clear -- 1031 00:51:02,033 --> 00:51:03,434 You know, usually the Jesus stories are obvious. 1032 00:51:03,434 --> 00:51:05,200 You know what they mean. 1033 00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:08,000 He washed your feet, so you should wash your feet. 1034 00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:10,534 Whatever the fuck they're teaching you. 1035 00:51:10,534 --> 00:51:13,000 But this one... 1036 00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:18,133 this is the story of Jesus cursing a fig tree. 1037 00:51:18,133 --> 00:51:20,567 How many people, by applause, know of this story? 1038 00:51:20,567 --> 00:51:22,434 -[ Scattered applause ] -Okay, that's all I need. 1039 00:51:22,434 --> 00:51:24,601 Just to make it clear that it really happened. 1040 00:51:24,601 --> 00:51:26,300 I mean, none of this happened. 1041 00:51:26,300 --> 00:51:28,701 But I don't -- I'm fucking with you. 1042 00:51:28,701 --> 00:51:31,734 I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying. 1043 00:51:31,734 --> 00:51:33,234 [ Cheers and applause ] 1044 00:51:33,234 --> 00:51:37,734 I just wanted it clear that I didn't make it up. 1045 00:51:37,734 --> 00:51:39,334 They did. 1046 00:51:39,334 --> 00:51:40,968 Alright. Okay. Here's what it says. 1047 00:51:40,968 --> 00:51:42,934 [ Laughter ] 1048 00:51:42,934 --> 00:51:45,467 This is Mark, chapter 11. 1049 00:51:45,467 --> 00:51:47,200 It's when Mark went broke. 1050 00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,033 [ Laughter ] 1051 00:51:51,100 --> 00:51:52,701 Okay. 1052 00:51:54,968 --> 00:51:58,234 "And Jesus entered into Jerusalem. 1053 00:51:58,234 --> 00:52:01,267 And when he had looked 'round about upon all things 1054 00:52:01,267 --> 00:52:03,501 and now the eventide was come, 1055 00:52:03,501 --> 00:52:06,334 he went out onto Bethany with the twelve." 1056 00:52:06,334 --> 00:52:08,033 Bethany was, like, a suburb of Jerusalem. 1057 00:52:08,033 --> 00:52:10,267 So, you know, you go into town, you see all this shit, 1058 00:52:10,267 --> 00:52:12,400 but you stay, like, at the Marriott by the airport. 1059 00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,801 That's where Bethany is. 1060 00:52:15,801 --> 00:52:19,834 "And on the morrow, when they were come from Bethany, 1061 00:52:19,834 --> 00:52:22,033 Jesus was hungry. 1062 00:52:22,033 --> 00:52:25,901 And seeing a fig tree afar off, having leaves, 1063 00:52:25,901 --> 00:52:29,968 he came if happily he might find anything thereon. 1064 00:52:29,968 --> 00:52:33,634 But when he came to the tree, he saw nothing but leaves, 1065 00:52:33,634 --> 00:52:36,968 for the time of figs was not yet." 1066 00:52:36,968 --> 00:52:40,367 [ Laughter ] 1067 00:52:40,367 --> 00:52:44,033 "And Jesus answered and sayeth unto the tree, 1068 00:52:44,033 --> 00:52:49,100 'No man shall eat fruit of thee hereafter and forever.'" 1069 00:52:52,868 --> 00:52:55,367 "And the disciples heard it. 1070 00:52:55,367 --> 00:52:57,701 And in the morning as they passed by, 1071 00:52:57,701 --> 00:53:00,767 they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. 1072 00:53:00,767 --> 00:53:02,601 And Peter calling to remembrance, 1073 00:53:02,601 --> 00:53:05,767 sayeth unto him, 'Master, behold the fig tree 1074 00:53:05,767 --> 00:53:10,267 which thou doth cursethed is withered away and dead.' 1075 00:53:10,267 --> 00:53:12,767 And Jesus answered and sayeth unto them, 1076 00:53:12,767 --> 00:53:14,701 'Have faith in God.'" 1077 00:53:14,701 --> 00:53:16,601 [ Laughter ] 1078 00:53:24,100 --> 00:53:27,334 What the fuck kind of a Jesus story is that? 1079 00:53:27,334 --> 00:53:30,467 [ Laughter ] 1080 00:53:30,467 --> 00:53:32,934 What the fuck are we supposed to... 1081 00:53:35,267 --> 00:53:36,801 "Hey, Jesus. You killed that tree." 1082 00:53:36,801 --> 00:53:38,467 "That's right, motherfucker." 1083 00:53:38,467 --> 00:53:40,434 [ Laughter ] 1084 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:44,701 What are we supposed to learn 1085 00:53:44,701 --> 00:53:48,434 from cranky, hungry Jesus? 1086 00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:49,968 There's no figs on the tree, so he's like, 1087 00:53:49,968 --> 00:53:52,801 "You're fucking dead, you piece-of-shit tree. 1088 00:53:52,801 --> 00:53:54,734 You're fucking dead!" 1089 00:53:54,734 --> 00:53:57,534 And the tree is like, "But the time of figs is not yet! 1090 00:53:57,534 --> 00:54:00,968 It's just... I need another week! 1091 00:54:00,968 --> 00:54:02,567 You want fruit out of season, 1092 00:54:02,567 --> 00:54:04,367 go to Whole Foods, you fucking Jew. 1093 00:54:04,367 --> 00:54:06,133 I didn't do anything." 1094 00:54:06,133 --> 00:54:08,000 [ Laughter ] 1095 00:54:14,701 --> 00:54:16,234 I mean, you can't act like that, man. 1096 00:54:16,234 --> 00:54:18,300 You can't act like that. 1097 00:54:18,300 --> 00:54:20,367 You walk around acting like that, 1098 00:54:20,367 --> 00:54:22,667 and somebody will nail you to a cross. 1099 00:54:22,667 --> 00:54:25,000 That's what'll happen. That's what'll happen. 1100 00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,701 [ Laughter ] 1101 00:54:29,934 --> 00:54:32,434 There's a few missteps in the Jesus story, I'm telling you. 1102 00:54:32,434 --> 00:54:34,634 Like, when he went to Jerusalem for the first time, 1103 00:54:34,634 --> 00:54:36,167 his friends put him on a donkey, 1104 00:54:36,167 --> 00:54:38,000 and they took him through town, through Jerusalem. 1105 00:54:38,000 --> 00:54:41,100 And they're like, "King of the Jews, y'all! 1106 00:54:41,100 --> 00:54:44,968 King of the motherfucking Je-w-w-w-ws!" 1107 00:54:46,801 --> 00:54:50,367 And the Jews did not like that. 1108 00:54:50,367 --> 00:54:53,701 The Jews were like, "Not my president." Whatever. 1109 00:54:53,701 --> 00:54:55,167 So... 1110 00:54:55,167 --> 00:54:56,734 [ Laughter ] 1111 00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:04,167 So they nailed him to a cross. 1112 00:55:04,167 --> 00:55:07,000 And here's what that looks like. Hold on a second. 1113 00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:09,300 [ Laughs ] 1114 00:55:09,300 --> 00:55:12,334 Alright. I can only face one... 1115 00:55:12,334 --> 00:55:14,834 Okay. This is it. This is the image. 1116 00:55:14,834 --> 00:55:17,200 This is the image. This is the whole -- 1117 00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:20,167 The craziest thing about this religion is this image. 1118 00:55:20,167 --> 00:55:23,801 'Cause it's fucking macabre, man. It's fucking gory. 1119 00:55:23,801 --> 00:55:26,701 There's like -- Blegh! And -- Beghhh! 1120 00:55:26,701 --> 00:55:30,934 And it's in every polite room in the world. 1121 00:55:30,934 --> 00:55:33,334 It's in hospitals, all over... 1122 00:55:33,334 --> 00:55:35,501 Old ladies have it above their bed, 1123 00:55:35,501 --> 00:55:39,267 and it's just -- [Gravelly voice] fucking Jesus. 1124 00:55:39,267 --> 00:55:41,200 Like, if you never saw one before, 1125 00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:44,434 you'd be like, "Why the fuck do you have that everywhere?!" 1126 00:55:44,434 --> 00:55:48,467 [ Laughter ] 1127 00:55:48,467 --> 00:55:50,234 It's this polite religion. 1128 00:55:50,234 --> 00:55:52,534 "Honor thy mother and thy father because..." 1129 00:55:52,534 --> 00:55:55,133 [ Screaming ] 1130 00:55:55,133 --> 00:55:56,701 It's just weird. 1131 00:55:56,701 --> 00:55:59,267 [ Laughter ] 1132 00:55:59,267 --> 00:56:01,534 But I love this image, I really do. I love it. 1133 00:56:01,534 --> 00:56:04,501 It's -- I was raised Catholic, and I look at it all the time. 1134 00:56:04,501 --> 00:56:08,467 Every time I walk by a church, I go to look at their Jesus. 1135 00:56:08,467 --> 00:56:10,501 Because they're all different. 1136 00:56:10,501 --> 00:56:12,234 Every Jesus is a little different. 1137 00:56:12,234 --> 00:56:14,534 Sometimes Jesus is suffering, 1138 00:56:14,534 --> 00:56:15,968 and sometimes he's just like, 1139 00:56:15,968 --> 00:56:18,634 "Ah, well. 1140 00:56:18,634 --> 00:56:22,167 I really got myself in a noodle this time, boy." 1141 00:56:22,167 --> 00:56:24,000 [ Laughter ] 1142 00:56:30,501 --> 00:56:32,400 Sometimes there's just a cross. 1143 00:56:32,400 --> 00:56:35,968 Like, "Oh, fuck. Where'd he go? 1144 00:56:35,968 --> 00:56:37,667 Jesus got away." 1145 00:56:37,667 --> 00:56:39,534 [ Laughter ] 1146 00:56:42,067 --> 00:56:44,100 I was in a Korean church once. 1147 00:56:44,100 --> 00:56:47,534 I went to a Korean church. And they had a Korean Jesus. 1148 00:56:47,534 --> 00:56:51,234 Korean Jesus with the -- Don't get mad. 1149 00:56:51,234 --> 00:56:53,334 How would I know? 1150 00:56:53,334 --> 00:56:55,868 It was a Korean Jesus. Henh! Alright. 1151 00:56:55,868 --> 00:56:59,067 I can't say "Korean Jesus" and do nothing. 1152 00:56:59,067 --> 00:57:02,267 It was a Korean Jesus. 1153 00:57:02,267 --> 00:57:05,434 Well, usually, Jesus has blond hair and blue eyes -- 1154 00:57:05,434 --> 00:57:07,567 Which he didn't have. 1155 00:57:07,567 --> 00:57:11,868 But that's who won everything, so they get to draw him. 1156 00:57:11,868 --> 00:57:14,868 The truth is, Jesus was black, but that's rare. 1157 00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:16,934 It's rare to see a black Jesus. 1158 00:57:16,934 --> 00:57:19,400 [High-pitched voice] "Hey, man, get me the fuck down from here." 1159 00:57:19,400 --> 00:57:21,100 Whatever Black... 1160 00:57:21,100 --> 00:57:22,767 [ Laughter ] 1161 00:57:24,334 --> 00:57:27,701 [ Laughs ] Well... 1162 00:57:27,701 --> 00:57:30,734 I don't know any -- any other Jesuses. 1163 00:57:30,734 --> 00:57:33,801 Gay Jesus. No, I'm not gonna... 1164 00:57:33,801 --> 00:57:35,667 Alright. Anyway... 1165 00:57:35,667 --> 00:57:38,734 [ Laughter ] 1166 00:57:38,734 --> 00:57:43,367 The point is, everybody wants Jesus to look like themselves, 1167 00:57:43,367 --> 00:57:46,033 and that's why I don't like that he's always skinny. 1168 00:57:46,033 --> 00:57:49,701 He's always fucking perfect. 1169 00:57:49,701 --> 00:57:53,133 Bothers me. I've never seen a fat Jesus. 1170 00:57:53,133 --> 00:57:55,934 Never one time see just a fat Jesus just like... 1171 00:57:55,934 --> 00:57:58,234 [ Laughter ] 1172 00:58:01,133 --> 00:58:03,901 With like 10 nails in each hand. Just... 1173 00:58:03,901 --> 00:58:05,834 [ Laughter ] 1174 00:58:14,167 --> 00:58:16,634 He might have been fat. 1175 00:58:16,634 --> 00:58:20,901 I'll tell you what Jesus was not -- is Korean. 1176 00:58:20,901 --> 00:58:23,300 [ Laughter ] 1177 00:58:29,100 --> 00:58:32,734 There's no Koreans in Jerusalem 1178 00:58:32,734 --> 00:58:34,334 in the year 1. 1179 00:58:34,334 --> 00:58:36,367 [ Laughter ] 1180 00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:43,534 But I was raised Catholic, and I'm not Catholic anymore. 1181 00:58:43,534 --> 00:58:45,601 I didn't like that religion because they tell you 1182 00:58:45,601 --> 00:58:47,767 you're going to hell, even when you're a kid. 1183 00:58:47,767 --> 00:58:49,267 5-year-old kids. 1184 00:58:49,267 --> 00:58:53,000 And the church is like, "Oh, you're going to hell. 1185 00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:55,267 Ohh... You're going to hell." 1186 00:58:55,267 --> 00:58:57,834 And you're 5, and you're like, "What did I do?" 1187 00:58:57,834 --> 00:59:00,534 And the church is like, 1188 00:59:00,534 --> 00:59:02,901 "You know what you did, you piece of shit." 1189 00:59:02,901 --> 00:59:04,934 [ Laughter ] 1190 00:59:04,934 --> 00:59:07,000 You're like, "Oh, yeah. Fuck." 1191 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,701 [ Laughter ] 1192 00:59:10,801 --> 00:59:12,701 You're a kid, going to hell. 1193 00:59:12,701 --> 00:59:14,567 Imagine? And you're going to hell. 1194 00:59:14,567 --> 00:59:16,701 There's no "kids hell." You understand? 1195 00:59:16,701 --> 00:59:19,367 You're going right to the show. 1196 00:59:19,367 --> 00:59:22,334 If you're 5 years old and you steal a crayon from your sister 1197 00:59:22,334 --> 00:59:26,000 and then lie about it and then you get hit by a truck, 1198 00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:27,667 you're roommates with Hitler. 1199 00:59:27,667 --> 00:59:29,767 There's no...difference. 1200 00:59:29,767 --> 00:59:31,300 That's -- I was so scared. 1201 00:59:31,300 --> 00:59:33,300 I'm like, "I'm gonna be roommates with Hitler. 1202 00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:35,567 I'm only 5. I already killed four Jews, though, 1203 00:59:35,567 --> 00:59:37,868 so I'm probably gonna be roommates with Hitler. 1204 00:59:37,868 --> 00:59:40,334 [ Laughter ] 1205 00:59:40,334 --> 00:59:42,300 They take you in a room, and Hitler's -- 1206 00:59:42,300 --> 00:59:44,467 They're pouring hot lead in his asshole. 1207 00:59:44,467 --> 00:59:47,334 He's like -- [Screaming] 1208 00:59:48,601 --> 00:59:50,067 And then they tell you -- They're like, 1209 00:59:50,067 --> 00:59:52,234 "Alright, get in there, kid. It's your turn." 1210 00:59:52,234 --> 00:59:54,701 [ Laughter ] 1211 00:59:54,701 --> 00:59:57,067 Hitler's like, "Ah. Poor little fella." 1212 00:59:57,067 --> 00:59:59,267 [ Laughter ] 1213 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:03,934 Poor Hitler. 1214 01:00:03,934 --> 01:00:05,868 I mean, at this point, 1215 01:00:05,868 --> 01:00:08,434 he's been down there for 75 years. 1216 01:00:08,434 --> 01:00:11,167 I bet Hitler's nice now. 1217 01:00:11,167 --> 01:00:15,200 I bet he's like, "Eh, I don't know what I was thinkin'." 1218 01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:17,467 It's probably Hitler who greets you when you get to hell. 1219 01:00:17,467 --> 01:00:19,367 You know, he's like, "Hi. 1220 01:00:19,367 --> 01:00:22,100 Yeah. Yeah. That's me. Yeah... 1221 01:00:22,100 --> 01:00:23,767 What's that? Yeah. It's pretty bad. 1222 01:00:23,767 --> 01:00:25,367 It's pretty bad. Yeah, yeah. 1223 01:00:25,367 --> 01:00:27,267 What? Oh, yeah. Sure." 1224 01:00:27,267 --> 01:00:29,467 [ Laughter ] 1225 01:00:34,100 --> 01:00:36,033 I was so scared of hell when I was a kid. 1226 01:00:36,033 --> 01:00:38,167 I remember when I found out that gay people go to hell. 1227 01:00:38,167 --> 01:00:41,534 I got scared. I'm not gay. But what if God thinks I'm gay? 1228 01:00:41,534 --> 01:00:43,200 [ Laughter ] 1229 01:00:43,200 --> 01:00:46,901 What if I come off a little queer to the Lord? 1230 01:00:46,901 --> 01:00:48,534 He might be happening to look 1231 01:00:48,534 --> 01:00:50,367 when I hit my toe and I'm like, "Ow!" 1232 01:00:50,367 --> 01:00:52,367 And he's like, "I know where you're going, you faggot." 1233 01:00:52,367 --> 01:00:54,667 [ Laughter ] 1234 01:00:56,434 --> 01:01:00,300 I mean, that's not what I believe. 1235 01:01:00,300 --> 01:01:01,901 I don't believe that. 1236 01:01:01,901 --> 01:01:04,467 God doesn't hate you 'cause you're gay. 1237 01:01:04,467 --> 01:01:07,133 God made you gay 'cause he hates you. 1238 01:01:07,133 --> 01:01:11,000 [ Laughs ] No, no. No. 1239 01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:13,801 I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. 1240 01:01:13,801 --> 01:01:15,133 There's no God. 1241 01:01:15,133 --> 01:01:17,000 [ Laughter ] 1242 01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:19,167 But...I don't know. 1243 01:01:19,167 --> 01:01:21,501 [ Cheers and applause ] 1244 01:01:21,501 --> 01:01:24,534 But you know who I feel sorry for? 1245 01:01:24,534 --> 01:01:26,634 Besides Jesus and Hitler. 1246 01:01:26,634 --> 01:01:28,434 [ Laughter ] 1247 01:01:30,667 --> 01:01:35,634 You know who I really feel sorry for, is a gay man's sperm. 1248 01:01:35,634 --> 01:01:39,534 Just think about that for a minute. 1249 01:01:39,534 --> 01:01:43,634 Being the sperm in a gay man, that's a tough destiny. 1250 01:01:43,634 --> 01:01:45,968 That's rough luck. 1251 01:01:45,968 --> 01:01:47,868 Because if you're gay, that's terrific. 1252 01:01:47,868 --> 01:01:51,567 But your sperm is not gay. 1253 01:01:51,567 --> 01:01:53,167 Your sperm is just excited. 1254 01:01:53,167 --> 01:01:55,667 Like, "We're next, fellas! Here we go!" 1255 01:01:57,100 --> 01:01:59,634 Pyoosh! 1256 01:02:06,000 --> 01:02:07,868 [ Laughter ] 1257 01:02:15,701 --> 01:02:17,300 "Was that shit right there?" 1258 01:02:17,300 --> 01:02:19,634 [ Laughter ] 1259 01:02:22,934 --> 01:02:25,167 "Who shit in this chick's pussy?" 1260 01:02:25,167 --> 01:02:27,234 [ Laughter ] 1261 01:02:33,033 --> 01:02:35,701 Thank you very much, folks. It was great talking to you. 1262 01:02:35,701 --> 01:02:38,667 -[ Cheers and applause ] -Get home safe tonight. 1263 01:02:38,667 --> 01:02:43,434 Thank you very, very, very, very much. 1264 01:02:43,434 --> 01:02:44,868 Good night. 1265 01:02:44,868 --> 01:02:47,601 [ Cheers and applause ] 1266 01:02:58,601 --> 01:03:01,000 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 1267 01:03:10,100 --> 01:03:12,534 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 1268 01:03:21,934 --> 01:03:23,968 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 1269 01:03:35,334 --> 01:03:37,367 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 1270 01:03:42,701 --> 01:03:45,000 [ Cheers and applause fades ] 1271 01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:46,934 [ Indistinct conversations ] 1272 01:05:15,400 --> 01:05:16,968 -Dot com.