1 00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:04,505 [Jaunty music] 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:10,552 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,137 - All right, Lemon, you got me. 4 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,307 Yes, this is the same flashy night tie 5 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:17,076 I was wearing when I left work yesterday. 6 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,185 My hair is a disaster. 7 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:20,687 I am indeed on a walk of shame. 8 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,147 - You slut! 9 00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,525 - That woman was pizzarina Sbarro, 10 00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:27,611 the heiress to the Sbarro slice and calzone fortune. 11 00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,423 I should be heading upstairs to change, 12 00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,156 I wouldn't want anyone seeing me 13 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,448 like this. 14 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,159 - Come on. Walk of shame? 15 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:35,994 I say call it a stride of pride 16 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,955 and walk with your arms up, like this. 17 00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,249 - That is surprisingly non-judgmental. 18 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:41,208 - I'm 41 years old, Jack. 19 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,210 I'm no stranger to the walk of shame. 20 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,088 Yes, I'm still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. 21 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,381 I stayed up all night 22 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,300 helping Bradley finish the Joseph coat. 23 00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:53,011 - Just hearing that story tells me that Bradley was gay. 24 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:54,012 - Only sexually. 25 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,615 But I've come a long way since then. 26 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:58,433 In fact, since Criss and I have been trying, 27 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,143 Liz Lemon has had a little awakening 28 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:01,812 in her bathing suit area. 29 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,331 - Lemon, I've seen your bathing suits. 30 00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,874 That could be anywhere. - I'm serious, Jack. 31 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,378 I feel like I'm ready for one of those 32 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:07,901 sex and the city girls' brunches, 33 00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,862 where you talk about dirty stuff and make a lot of puns, like, 34 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,365 "and I thought I was eating eggs." 35 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,909 So is Zarina your new girlfriend? 36 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,662 Should I, uh, invite her to my sex talk brunch? 37 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,789 - Zarina is not my girlfriend, 38 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,401 she's one of a diverse group of women I'm currently seeing. 39 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,294 - Group? Back to judgmental. 40 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,786 - Lemon, after Avery, I realized I'm never going to find 41 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,232 everything I'm looking for in one woman. 42 00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,674 It's not fair to the ladies, 43 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,646 just because I'm the, uh, complete package. 44 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,220 - You are a complete package. - I got the idea 45 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,681 watching the great escape on TCM one night, 46 00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:40,017 how that ragtag bunch of heroes 47 00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,728 worked together to be greater than the sum of their parts. 48 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,021 Bronson was the brawn, 49 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,415 Attenborough was the brains, 50 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,815 garner was the scrounger, 51 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,734 McQueen was the hottie with the body. 52 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:50,110 I'll say it. 53 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,842 - Uh-huh. And, uh, how many prisoners 54 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,405 do you have in this little stalag? 55 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,158 - Zarina is the society girl I take to black-tie events, 56 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,969 when I want to talk politics I call Anne, 57 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,870 Tabitha knows how to work my DVR, 58 00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,331 and Mindy is my, uh, sex idiot. 59 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,891 - And what if they find out about each other? 60 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,795 - They're all adults, Lemon. They'll understand. 61 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,201 And if they did come to blows, 62 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:09,296 it would be, uh... 63 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:10,588 Intensely erotic. 64 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:11,839 Like, uh, 65 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:14,635 Steve McQueen on a motorcycle. 66 00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:16,678 Trying to jump that fence into Switzerland, 67 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:17,970 but it's too high. 68 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:18,680 [Elevator dings] 69 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,808 He had a leather jacket. 70 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,271 - Hey, lady friends. 71 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,003 Who would like to join me for brunch? 72 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,190 My treat. 73 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,318 We could throw back some cosmos, 74 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,612 talk about our climaxes... 75 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,091 - if you heard my sex stories, 76 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,575 you would lose your mind! 77 00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:39,576 - Sorry, Liz. 78 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,703 I'm not even sure they serve brunch after... 79 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,995 The '90s. 80 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:43,705 - Liz, check this out. 81 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,749 "Jenna Maroney, looking great at..." 82 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,377 - 56? Blarf! 83 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,271 Okay, we are at a code orange here, people. 84 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:52,130 A magazine has said that Jenna is 56. 85 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:54,132 - God, no... I have children! 86 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:54,758 - We'll get through this together. 87 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,402 Pete, you go down to the news stand. 88 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,637 Buy every copy, and burn them. 89 00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,471 Cerie, get out of here. 90 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:00,764 Just go home for the day. 91 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,933 And Kenneth, get Jenna's copy 92 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,945 out of her dressing room before she sees it. 93 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,479 Got it? 94 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:08,313 - Oh, my god, Liz. 95 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,649 I am furious. 96 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,085 - You know what would make us all feel better? 97 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,109 A ladies' brunch. 98 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:14,903 These bitches are down for it. 99 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,488 - How can you be so calm? 100 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,199 I mean, why would Tracy do this to you? 101 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:20,811 - Wait, what are we talking about? 102 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,703 "I agree @therealstephenhawking. 103 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,621 "Women are not funny. 104 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:25,497 "Never have been. 105 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,124 Never will be." 106 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,793 Nerd rage! 107 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,337 [Exciting jazz music] 108 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:40,629 ♪ ♪ 109 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,581 - How am I supposed to explain this 110 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,483 to Jenna, who has been your comedy partner 111 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,152 for almost seven years? 112 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:56,587 - Do you want me to talk to her? 113 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,364 Honestly, I never realized she was trying to be funny. 114 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,336 I guess I just thought she was a wig model. 115 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,410 - Unacceptable. - Come on, Lem Lizzit. 116 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,662 Name one truly funny woman. 117 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,039 - No. I refuse to answer this question with a list. 118 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:08,999 It's insulting. 119 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,001 - You wouldn't ask an Asian person 120 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:12,893 to give you a list of good Asian drivers. 121 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,464 - Gary tang, Ziang Chu, Roy Chung... 122 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,382 - Stop it. - I was done anyway. 123 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,135 Look, if women are so funny, 124 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,387 do something funny right now. 125 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,323 [Imitating a child's voice] Welcome to the flower shop... 126 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,224 No! I don't have to prove anything to you. 127 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,102 Maybe men and women find different things funny. 128 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,355 Maybe things that men like are boring to women. 129 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,232 - No, everyone likes our things. 130 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,524 - Football. 131 00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,567 Motorcycles. 132 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:37,735 Steak restaurants. 133 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,571 Really dark superhero movies. 134 00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:41,990 These are things that suck. 135 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,034 But women don't go around wasting our time 136 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:45,446 writing articles about them. 137 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:49,706 And I am not gonna waste my time engaging you on this topic. 138 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,792 [Door slamming shut] - Well, that went well. 139 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,723 - See? That's the kind of hilarious button 140 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:56,254 chicks can't come up with. 141 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,555 - What is it, Kenneth? I'm answering my fan mail. 142 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,892 - Oh, nothing. Just doing my daily rounds. 143 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,353 Mmm, my lips are so dry. 144 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,524 I better wet them with this mop. 145 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:16,816 Oh, no. 146 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:20,946 Now my undershirt is wet with mop juice. 147 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,657 - Ohh, I see what's going on here. 148 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,283 You be the janitor, 149 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,175 and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor 150 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,745 that you just can't chisel off. 151 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,372 - Sure is hot in here. 152 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,250 Maybe I should roll up my pants. 153 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,542 - Oh, yeah. 154 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,033 Show me that part of your shins 155 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:40,215 that's hairless from your synthetic socks. 156 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,050 - Liz, Liz, Liz. 157 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,385 - Oh, thank god. 158 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,157 Also, I called in a fake page six item 159 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,387 about how young Jenna is. 160 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:47,796 I think our bases are covered. 161 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,015 - Wow. Okay, great. 162 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:49,933 We solved our Jenna problem. 163 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,769 We did it! - Story over. 164 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:55,939 [The great escape theme playing] 165 00:05:56,231 --> 00:06:01,820 ♪ ♪ 166 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,963 - Are you hungry? 167 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:20,547 - No, I'm okay. 168 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,674 - Do you want to go to a movie, or... 169 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,634 - no. We can just do it. 170 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,304 - [Chuckling] Oh, okay. 171 00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,055 Oh... Zarina, hello. 172 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:29,890 - Jack. 173 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,975 - Uh, this is Mindy. Mindy, Zarina. 174 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,144 - Pleasure. - Yeah. 175 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,645 Oh, shiny. 176 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,439 - Uh, look, I know this is awkward. 177 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,131 But we never said we were exclusive. 178 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:40,637 And like a silver-backed gorilla 179 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:41,985 or mitt Romney's grandfather, 180 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,637 I require more than one woman to... 181 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:44,904 - oh, Jack, I understand. 182 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,157 I'm sure Mindy gives you certain things I can't. 183 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:48,074 - Indeed. 184 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:49,993 The woman appears to have no hip joints. 185 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,445 Thank you for being so, uh... 186 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,163 - Zarina. 187 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,498 Another old guy wanted to buy my shirt. 188 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,083 Old guys are so funny. 189 00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,084 - Who is this? 190 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,128 - Oh... Jack, Ryan. Ryan, Jack. 191 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,213 - Ryan. - What's up? 192 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,966 - Ryan is my sex idiot. 193 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,387 - So, the other night 194 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,682 my boyfriend and I were making love, 195 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,852 and I suggested that we wear sleep masks. 196 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,438 I hit my nose pretty hard 197 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,832 on the bedside table, but... 198 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,482 - Liz Lemon. 199 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,943 I just saw this hilarious dude on YouTube. 200 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,028 You gotta put him on the show. 201 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,738 - No, it's... 202 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,657 Of course, a hilarious dude. 203 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,589 What was it, some idiot who let his friend 204 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,619 skateboard over his penis? - Even better. 205 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,413 It's a monkey, and his name is professor Wigglebottom. 206 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:36,414 - A monkey? 207 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,041 So no women are funny, 208 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,894 but you want me to put a monkey on the show. 209 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:42,379 - Oh, my god, are we still talking about that? 210 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,130 We debated this already, and I won. 211 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,383 - Tracy, I'm not putting any monkeys on TGS. 212 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:47,676 Because you know what? 213 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,248 I don't think monkeys are funny. 214 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,638 - How dare you generalize so crassly. 215 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:52,347 I'm offended. - Okay. 216 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,307 Name one funny monkey. 217 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,267 - Bonzo, Clyde, the bear... 218 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,645 No! I refuse to answer this question with a list. 219 00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,523 It's insulting to monkeys, and their descendants... 220 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:02,815 Humans! 221 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,235 I win again. 222 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:06,921 - You're okay with this, right, Jack? 223 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,279 - Of course. How could I not be? 224 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,239 I'm great-escaping you, 225 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,251 so you have every right to, uh, do the same. 226 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,243 - My generation calls it pokemoning. 227 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,412 Gotta catch 'em all. 228 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,205 I assume your, uh, sex idiot 229 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,657 gives you something I cannot. 230 00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,667 Although I can't imagine what that might be. 231 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,711 - [Whispering inaudibly] 232 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,338 - Really? 233 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,257 Uh, so how many other pokemons are there? 234 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,633 - Jack. 235 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:32,637 The plural of Pokemon is "Pokemon." 236 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:33,638 - Huh! - Mindy... Mindy... 237 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,932 - no, Ryan Lochte! 238 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:43,940 - Ms. Maroney. 239 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,443 Did you see this newspaper headline? 240 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,362 "Teens gone wild: Is Jenna Maroney partying too hard?" 241 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,406 Be careful, you don't want to turn out like 242 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:52,949 Amanda byne-us. 243 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,617 Did I do it right? 244 00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,411 - That's a lie. 245 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,747 I am much too old to party. 246 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,373 I watch castle, 247 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,265 and my purse is filled with sweet'n lows. 248 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,169 Liz, can I ask you a question? 249 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:05,170 - Don't let her take me. 250 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,605 It's not gonna be a question, it's gonna be 251 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:09,049 a series of mean statements. 252 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,134 - If I find out that someone around here 253 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,845 planted this disgusting story that I'm young, 254 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,181 I'm gonna do to them what I did to my own ribs... 255 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:17,932 Take them out. 256 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,851 - Jeez... it was me, okay? I did it. 257 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,729 - Them magazine said I was 56. 258 00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:23,646 - Wait, you saw that? 259 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:24,647 - Well, of course I did. 260 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,149 I planted it. 261 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,734 - What? Why? 262 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,070 - To escape the curse of the middle-aged actress. 263 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,864 Instead of losing a push-up contest to Julie Bowen 264 00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,241 to see who gets to play Kevin James's mean wife 265 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:36,868 who he's sick of having sex with, 266 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,453 I'm gonna skip ahead to being 267 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,206 an amazing slut who wins oscars. 268 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,999 I mean, how hot is Helen Mirren? 269 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,310 - Super-hot. I mean, have you seen 270 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,561 that picture of her in a bikini? 271 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,753 She looks amazing for... 272 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,254 - exactly... "for." 273 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:51,925 She looks amazing for a 67-year-old. 274 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,343 She's actually not that hot. 275 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,011 She's got a gut and British legs. 276 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:55,804 - All right, settle down. 277 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,096 Well, now we know. 278 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,848 It won't happen again. 279 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,350 - What if it's too late, Liz? 280 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,282 I'm in the running for an endorsement deal 281 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,561 with Gerichair, 282 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,772 america's number one motorized stair climber. 283 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,064 - I know Gerichair. 284 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:08,910 They're the company that makes my bed steps. 285 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,902 - You better not have messed this up for me, Liz. 286 00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:12,570 Because I will 287 00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:16,241 take them out. 288 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:20,120 - [Giggling] I'm scared, but it tickles. 289 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,081 - I am aware of this. 290 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,000 Zarina is great-escaping me, 291 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,572 and of course, I'm fine with it. 292 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,337 - Really? Because I've seen that look 293 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,629 on your face before. 294 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:31,952 When Jack Welch called you Rick. 295 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,288 - And I was fine with that too. 296 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,968 I mean, he and I had met only, like, 297 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,303 a million times, so why should he remember me. 298 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,264 Maybe I should meet these other men 299 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,640 in Zarina's Pokemon. 300 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:41,932 - No, bad idea. 301 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,327 - There are no bad ideas, Lemon, 302 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,145 only great ideas that go horribly wrong. 303 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,273 - Look, when no conceivable good can come of something, 304 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:49,774 don't engage. 305 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,544 I would love to keep arguing with Tracy 306 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,408 about whether women are funnier than monkeys... 307 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,781 - I once saw a monkey in a cowboy outfit. 308 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,551 [Laughing] I would love to see the town 309 00:10:58,575 --> 00:10:59,575 he's the sheriff of. 310 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:00,701 - The point is, 311 00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,023 why do I care what Tracy thinks? 312 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,358 I don't, 'cause I know the truth. 313 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,831 Women are just as funny as men, 314 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,332 and you know the truth too. 315 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,125 - I do. 316 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,710 I am the complete package. 317 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,129 I don't need to know what one thing I give Zarina. 318 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,421 I mean, who cares? 319 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:13,631 Not me. - Great. 320 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:14,923 So we're not engaging. 321 00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:16,091 This is growth, Jack. 322 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,361 And we are gonna celebrate 323 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,637 by going to a brunch place and talking about 324 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,598 my new sex-positive lifestyle. 325 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:22,890 - Absolutely not. 326 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,034 - We did it in the shower. 327 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,476 My shoes got ruined. 328 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,605 - I said no! 329 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,315 - Sorry I'm late, everyone. 330 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,984 I had to pick my friend up from the train station. 331 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:36,487 Say hello, professor Wigglebottom! 332 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,240 [Laughter] - Oh, that dude's awesome. 333 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,159 - See how he's wearing clothes? 334 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:42,035 And he's got a suitcase 335 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,912 like he's going on a business trip. 336 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,830 Why's he being so professional? 337 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,266 - We should put him on the show! 338 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,650 He could play a young Steven Tyler. 339 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:49,459 [Laughter] 340 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:52,378 - He looks like me if I were fancy. 341 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:53,880 - See, Liz? 342 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,215 Everyone's laughing! 343 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:57,842 Because there are things that are just funny. 344 00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,761 Like monkeys, the three stooges, 345 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,053 and me! 346 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,847 [Laughter] 347 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,307 And some things just aren't. 348 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:07,143 Like females, and listing only two things. 349 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,980 I'd like to see Lucille Ball do this on TV! 350 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,752 [Loud laughter] - Male nipples, funny. 351 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,150 Monkey nipples, funny. 352 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,152 Female nipples, useless! 353 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,404 - Engaging! 354 00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:19,822 All right, that's it! 355 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:20,698 I will prove to you once and for all 356 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,034 that women are just as funny as monkeys. 357 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:24,827 Jenna and I are re-mounting 358 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:28,831 our award-winning 1996 two-woman show. 359 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,876 Right here, 4:00 P.M., mandatory. 360 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,420 [Applause] 361 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,677 [Laughter] 362 00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,762 [Cell phone buzzing] 363 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,592 - "Thinking of you, sweetie. 364 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,518 "X-o, Zarina." 365 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,353 "Sweetie." 366 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,190 Why didn't she write, "thinking of you, Jackie-bear?" 367 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:58,361 She could have written this... To anyone. 368 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,196 Jonathan, get me a young person. 369 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,198 Who has a social life. 370 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,783 It's a group email, isn't it? 371 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,202 This woman is pokemoning me. 372 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,036 - She's blind-copied you, 373 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,373 but if you just click this plus sign... 374 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,126 Yep. There's the whole group. 375 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:16,379 - Hip420@brooklyn.beard, 376 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:20,466 "ryunloktee"... misspelled... @swimteam.org, 377 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:24,554 kentremendous@fremulon.biz... Ugh. 378 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,390 Totalpackage58... Wait, that's me. 379 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,226 I don't care if it takes all day. 380 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,678 I want you to teach me how to 381 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:34,480 copy all of those email addresses 382 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,693 and paste them into a new email. 383 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,112 - No, I understand. 384 00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:43,244 You'll let me know when you've made a decision. 385 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:46,367 But... okay, bye. 386 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,994 - How's it going, friendy? 387 00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,496 - Well, that was Gerald chair, 388 00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:51,988 the inventor of the Gerichair. 389 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,250 They're leaning towards Jamie Lee Curtis. 390 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,461 She already beat me out for Activia, 391 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,504 and cold flash menopause popsicles. 392 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,548 - Ugh. Well, this might not be 393 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,216 the best timing, but... 394 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,634 I need a favor. - Yeah. 395 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,046 Today's the day when I'm gonna do my first favor ever. 396 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,424 - This isn't a favor for me, 397 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,474 it's a favor for all women. - Ugh! 398 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,309 - We are gonna prove Tracy wrong... 399 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:12,810 - Bored. - And show him 400 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,520 how funny women are. 401 00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,230 - Are we, though? - By... 402 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,275 Re-staging our old show. 403 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,444 - Our old show. 404 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,196 Huh. 405 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,073 Huh, 406 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:25,823 huh... 407 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,909 - are you thinking, or doing kegels? 408 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,995 - Yes. Let's do it. 409 00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:32,687 But we have to do the doctor sketch, 410 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,374 the one where I'm a little girl. 411 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,333 - Sure. Absolutely. 412 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,345 And thank you for being a friend about this. 413 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,836 - Yes, friend. 414 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,630 I mean, yes... 415 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,049 Friend. 416 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,570 - Thank you for coming in, gentlemen. 417 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:49,263 I look forward to discovering exactly what each of you 418 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,599 has to offer Zarina that I do not. 419 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,851 I know she has a sex idiot 420 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,561 for uninhibited experimentation. 421 00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,271 - No, I'm pretty sure we're in love. 422 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,283 - A filthy hippie to make her feel bohemian. 423 00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,858 I get it, I can't give her that. 424 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,550 Someone to make her parents angry... 425 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,320 - aw, man, is that all I am to her? 426 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:05,696 It's 2012. 427 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,282 - Sorry, norbert. The truth hurts. 428 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,574 Interesting. 429 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,035 A mean Wall Street type. 430 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,204 I would have thought I was the money guy. 431 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:14,536 So what does that make me? 432 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,707 Just the perfect head of hair? [Chuckles] 433 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:20,378 - Hey. Sorry I'm late. - Heavenly father. 434 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,463 You must be Ken tremendous. 435 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:23,423 I don't understand. 436 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:25,074 What am I doing here? We've covered 437 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,136 all the classic boyfriend archetypes. 438 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,388 Except the father figure. 439 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,056 Where is that guy, am I right? 440 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,017 The one who falls asleep at the opera, and doesn't notice 441 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:38,020 that she's texting her real boyfriend from his bed. 442 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,940 [Laughs] Where's that sucker? 443 00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,236 Oh, no... is it me? 444 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,201 [Blaring rock music] 445 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:57,248 - Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to see 446 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,501 is a classic sketch from the Chicago area 447 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,920 piven-nominated two-woman show, 448 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,212 Maroney and Lemon. 449 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,550 I take you now to this... 450 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,178 Doctor's office. 451 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,431 - [Cutesy little-girl voice] Doctor, I'm unhappy 452 00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,016 with me widdle body. 453 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,308 Can you help me? 454 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,559 - Well, of course. 455 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,313 Toddler plastic surgery is an exciting new field. 456 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,274 We can take you down an entire diaper size. 457 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,567 [Laughter] 458 00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,152 - ♪ This sketch is hilarious ♪ 459 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,279 ♪ take it from me ♪ 460 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,740 ♪ women are funny we can all agree ♪ 461 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,617 ♪ Carrol Burnett, Lucille Ball... ♪ 462 00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:34,035 ♪ No, not gonna do it ♪ 463 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,578 ♪ it's beneath us all ♪ 464 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,539 ♪ 'cause we don't need to prove it to you ♪ 465 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,043 ♪ no, we don't need to prove it to you ♪ 466 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,628 - "Tank" you, doctor. 467 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,004 - Don't thank me, 468 00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,131 thank roe v. Wade. - ♪ whoo ♪ 469 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,775 [Laughter and applause] ♪ no, we don't need ♪ 470 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,799 ♪ to prove it ♪ 471 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,093 ♪ oh, I didn't see that coming ♪ 472 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,513 ♪ no, we don't need to prove it ♪ 473 00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:57,141 ♪ to you ♪ 474 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:58,673 - That was actually funny, Liz. 475 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,145 So why does TGS suck so much? 476 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,897 - Thanks, Frank. 477 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,566 - Elizabeth Q. lemonade, I owe you an apology. 478 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,193 That skit was funny. 479 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,486 Like, monkey funny. 480 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,404 - Thanks. That means a lot, Tracy. 481 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,536 - When you were, like, "come in, I'm a doctor," 482 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,698 - yeah. - And you had on 483 00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,368 that lab coat, like a doctor. 484 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,412 A lady doctor... oh my god, 485 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,164 that is hilarious! 486 00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:21,850 - Really? That's what you thought the joke was, 487 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,459 there's a female doctor? 488 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,377 - Yeah. And Jenna, 489 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:28,005 you as that sad old prostitute trying to look young... 490 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,382 [laughing] Commentary! 491 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,176 - Old? Oh, thank you, Tracy. 492 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:33,570 That's the only reason I did this. 493 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,389 - And it was spectacular! 494 00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,641 - Gerald! You came! 495 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,102 - You bet I did, baby. 496 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,437 There's nothing older than trying to be young. 497 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,566 And you looked like a million years up there. 498 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:47,857 Congratulations. 499 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,443 You are Gerichair's 500 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,655 new spokes-crone! 501 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,407 - Lolo Jones, a man couldn't even do 502 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:55,283 that doctor sketch. 503 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,159 We would've just been sitting there 504 00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,328 listening to his medical advice. 505 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,372 You were right, Liz Lemon. 506 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:05,918 Women can be funny. 507 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,370 - You know what? I'll take it. 508 00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:10,506 Stride of pride. 509 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:22,184 - Jenna? 510 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,270 [Gasps] Oh, Jack, I'm sorry. 511 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,482 I didn't think anyone would be up here this late. 512 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,190 Sometimes, I like to come up here at night 513 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,568 and flash my breasts at the empire state building. 514 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,540 - Is that the only building that you flash? 515 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,448 Or do you also flash the time Warner center 516 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,925 to make the empire state building 517 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,326 feel like an old fool. 518 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:39,952 - Are you all right, Jack? 519 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,788 You look like that flash card they told me means sadness. 520 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,625 - I have to break it off with a woman I'm seeing. 521 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,294 I found out I'm just an aging Squirtle 522 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,671 in her Pokemon. 523 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,174 - [Sighing] That's tough. 524 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,906 Accepting the way other people see us 525 00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,469 can be difficult. 526 00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,430 I mean, inside, I still feel like a sex idiot. 527 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,892 But I have to accept the fact that I'm fake 56 now, 528 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,811 and I'm more of a Diane Lane ageless beauty. 529 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,522 But don't fight it, embrace it. 530 00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:09,357 Look. 531 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,484 Do you really want this girl asking you 532 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,778 to go hear her friend dj in Brooklyn? 533 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,321 - No, that sounds exhausting. 534 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:16,893 - Do you want to drive five hours 535 00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:18,407 to go rock climbing with her, 536 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,242 and be expected to have sex after? 537 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,161 - I do not. I mean, my back. 538 00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:23,513 - So don't break up with her. 539 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,373 Just be the older person. 540 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,665 It's fun. 541 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,709 You get to say racist stuff whenever you want, 542 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,337 and people bring you soup. 543 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:34,382 - I do like soup. 544 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:43,265 - Okay, so maybe I never got my sex and the city brunch. 545 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,518 And maybe I never got to share the fact 546 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:48,229 that I now know four different sexual positions, 547 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,523 one of which involves a chair. 548 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,609 But maybe a good relationship is more than that, anyway. 549 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:58,030 All this talk of great-escaping and pokemons got me thinking. 550 00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,322 Is accepting who you are 551 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,492 the secret to getting what you want? 552 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:02,410 - Action! 553 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,245 - Gerichair makes it safe 554 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:05,871 for me to spend Christmas alone. 555 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:09,458 - Do men and women really see the world so differently? 556 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,545 Or can we agree that we're all just monkeys with suitcases 557 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,505 trying to seem like people? 558 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,007 - Well played, professor. 559 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,428 Wait... you're a female? 560 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,639 How you doin', girl? 561 00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,600 - Can we get everything we need from one person? 562 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,644 Or is that what friends are for, 563 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,522 to be the allied P.O.W.'s 564 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,399 and whimsical Japanese mini-creatures 565 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,484 that help us get through life? 566 00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:38,112 - Now, this is how people danced 567 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,964 before chubby checker ruined everything. 568 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,700 - I guess what I'm saying is 569 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:45,244 I need to modify my Zappos order, 570 00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:48,330 so please email me back at your earliest convenience. 571 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:50,332 Hmm. [Grunts] 572 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,046 - Phyllis Diller, Joan rivers, 573 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,840 Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, 574 00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:01,635 Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Carol Burnett, Lily tomlin. 575 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:02,928 - Yes, thank you, Tracy. 576 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,513 Those are all very funny women. 577 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:05,347 - Funny women? 578 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,959 Those are the names of my fingers. 579 00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:09,143 Irma Bombeck, Tig Notaro... 580 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:12,730 Is my impression of a Chinese person. 581 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:14,647 Wait! Hold on! 582 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,443 Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'Nique, and roseanne barr. 583 00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:19,028 Now that's some funny women. 584 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,988 All of whom have screamed at me 585 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,617 because they were on their period.