1 00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:03,153 You're probably wondering what we're doing. 2 00:00:03,177 --> 00:00:05,092 Short answer, saving the earth. 3 00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,745 Again. 4 00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:08,008 I'm not leaving without you. 5 00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:10,271 I need something soft to land on. 6 00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:25,808 Previously on this filmed documentary program, 7 00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:28,941 or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be. 8 00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:32,336 Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire. 9 00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,859 The actual Sire? 10 00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:36,471 Do not ever open this door. 11 00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,908 Peekaboo. 12 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,518 As I was saying, 13 00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:42,868 - do not ever... - Open the door. 14 00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:44,435 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. 15 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,050 As leader of... 16 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:52,052 Coleader. 17 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,054 ...of the Vampiric Council, it is one of my... 18 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,098 Our. 19 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,146 ...our duties to be looking after The Sire. 20 00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:02,323 The Sire is the original vampire 21 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:04,934 from which all other vampires are descended. 22 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,675 Over the centuries, 23 00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:11,158 it has devolved into a horrific and fearsome creature. 24 00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:15,205 He is one very angry, very crispy piece of crust. 25 00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:18,730 But its continued health is of extreme importance 26 00:01:18,774 --> 00:01:21,516 for the fate of all vampire-kind. 27 00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:24,910 So, uh, why are we talking to you about The Sire? 28 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:27,609 Um... 29 00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,571 It is a fucking mess down here. 30 00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:35,747 No one is respecting my organizational system. 31 00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,749 What are you pissing on about? 32 00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,316 Look at this. 33 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,449 What is the point of having a glowing orb section 34 00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:44,843 if you're gonna put the glowing orb in the monkey paw section? 35 00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,865 I've just got to find this stupid magic flute for Laszlo. 36 00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:48,847 He wants to use it to seduce some mail woman, 37 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:50,806 and to be honest, I'm here for it. 38 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,112 Oh, shit. 39 00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,809 - What is it? - Shit, shit, shit, 40 00:01:53,852 --> 00:01:55,289 - The Sire! - Shit! 41 00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:56,638 He is... Oh... 42 00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:58,379 - Open-open the door, Nandor. - Yes. 43 00:01:58,422 --> 00:02:00,120 Got it. 44 00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:03,471 - Oh, for fuck's sake. - Oh, damn. 45 00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:04,733 Oh. 46 00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:06,300 Oh, The Sire. 47 00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,605 Sire. 48 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:08,998 Oh, no. 49 00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:10,608 It seems that The Sire was so hungry 50 00:02:10,652 --> 00:02:13,002 that it took the sharpened bones of its victims 51 00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:14,612 and tunneled a hole in the wall. 52 00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:16,136 I can't believe it. 53 00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:18,094 Little rascal. 54 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,791 I can't believe you 55 00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,880 managed to mess this up so badly, Nandor. 56 00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,491 It was your job to feed The Sire. 57 00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:25,188 - Me? - Yes, you. 58 00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,276 What? 59 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,451 So, yeah, 60 00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:29,410 turns out I never actually 61 00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,151 told Nandor to feed The Sire. 62 00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,066 How is this my fault? 63 00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,068 Because I said to you that 64 00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,232 you're the one to be responsible for feeding The Sire. 65 00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:43,163 What have I done? 66 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,381 I was meaning to. 67 00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:45,991 I even wrote it on a sticky note. 68 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:48,211 "Ask Nandor Feed Sire." 69 00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:51,214 But I never actually got around to giving him the message. 70 00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:56,393 So, you know, I think it's very difficult to say 71 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:58,090 who's at fault, really. 72 00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,782 Why are you just fucking sitting there?! 73 00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:39,828 - We're all gonna fucking die! - All die. 74 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,482 Oh, my love. Please don't tell me 75 00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,614 - you believe in this bullshit? - Of course I do. 76 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,313 If the vampire that turns you dies, then you die. 77 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,664 So, if the original vampire dies, you all die? 78 00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:51,946 - All die. - No, it's a fucking urban myth. 79 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,059 Like ghosts or large penises. 80 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,800 You don't want to help? Fine. 81 00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,193 I will fix this. 82 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,761 Since this is all my big dumb stupid fault. 83 00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,652 - No, Master. Yes. - 84 00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:04,156 - - Control that hellhound! - Nandor, wait! 85 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,483 - Nandor... - People will believe anything these days. 86 00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,030 Absolutely anything. 87 00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,250 I tell you, if what they're saying is true, 88 00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,078 both my wife and I would be dead by now. 89 00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:15,733 - Yeah. - The Baron obviously turned my wife into a vampire 90 00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:17,953 and she turned me into a vampire. 91 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,738 You two should be dead because The Baron is definitely dead. 92 00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,305 Absolutely. 93 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,959 The Baron is definitely dead. 94 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:26,962 Yeah, burnt to a crisp and buried in the backyard. 95 00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,920 In the back garden, as we speak. 96 00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:31,619 - Fuck. Get a shovel. - Yeah. 97 00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,011 Gizmo! 98 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,491 I am not accustomed 99 00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:37,364 to taking responsibility for my missteps. 100 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,149 When I was a military general, 101 00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,369 if there was a problem in one of my various wars, 102 00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:45,197 I would simply blame another nation 103 00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,025 and then we would go to war with them. 104 00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:49,550 And so on, etcetera. We've all been there. 105 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:52,509 But, as leader of the Vampiric Council... 106 00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:54,859 Coleader! 107 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:58,733 I must swallow my pride and do what is right. 108 00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:02,040 It says here that the correct name for The Sire 109 00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:05,957 is, in fact, uh, "G-G-Gajillarum"? 110 00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:09,483 I think you swallow the "G," so it's like "Yarilariur." 111 00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:10,875 It doesn't seem right. 112 00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,660 - Are you sure? - No. 113 00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,594 I need to figure this out before my press conference begins. 114 00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,577 No, what? We don't need to do a press conference, 115 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,076 we just need to capture the bloody thing. 116 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,755 No! I need to let the vampire community know 117 00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,626 what is happening and put their mind at ease. 118 00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:25,368 'Cause it is I who have failed to perform a very simple job. 119 00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:26,804 I don't think we need to... Oh. 120 00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:29,590 Over the power of the ether, 121 00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,809 I hereby summon 122 00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:34,725 the vampire society's most respected journalists, 123 00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,945 news anchors, bloggers, vloggers 124 00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:41,515 and high school yearbook editors. 125 00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:44,126 Oh, it worked. 126 00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:45,538 Thank you all for coming. 127 00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:47,390 Is this thing on? 128 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,261 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Uh... 129 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,612 But now is not the time for jokes. 130 00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:53,396 This evening, 131 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,356 at approximately 9:53 in the p.m. Staten Island time, 132 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:59,750 the creature known as The Sire, 133 00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:03,363 - aka Girlyjim... - Nailed it. 134 00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:05,626 ...escaped Vampiric Council watch 135 00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,845 and is currently at large 136 00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:10,761 in the tristate area, exact location unknown. 137 00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:13,634 I, Nandor The Relentless, 138 00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:17,638 co-supreme leader of the Vampiric Council, 139 00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:21,381 do hereby accept full responsibility for this misstep. 140 00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,749 - Time for questions. - I have a question! - Coleader Nandor. 141 00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,253 - Yes? - Coleader Nandor, hi. 142 00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:25,709 Uh, Lars Murderbone, Orlando Sentinel. 143 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,406 Is there currently any kind of plan in place 144 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:28,997 to capture The Sire? 145 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,478 We have a plan and it is going absolutely perfectly. 146 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,175 - So, you can go. - Yes. 147 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,656 And you know, there's a lot of speculation saying, 148 00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:38,485 "Oh, this is gonna be the end of vampires as we know it." 149 00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,704 - What?! - - No one asked. 150 00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,620 Even if that did happen, we've had a wonderful run, 151 00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,405 haven't we? We've had a great time. 152 00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,581 - You've doomed us all! - Oh, no! 153 00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:50,192 Okay, bye. 154 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:55,980 You have just made things significantly worse. 155 00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,158 No. No. 156 00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:05,033 - Dig there. - That's literally what I'm doing right now. 157 00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:06,643 Well, dig deeper. 158 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,447 I can't remember where we buried the bastard. 159 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,646 Might this be him? 160 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,821 Uh, that might not. 161 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,607 That is the census taker, 1990. 162 00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,435 - What about this chap? - Nope. 163 00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,698 Oh, for fuck's sake. 164 00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:20,657 Now that rock is beginning to ring a bell. 165 00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:21,963 That rock there. 166 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,355 That does ring a bell, that rock. 167 00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:26,097 Baron? Are you there? 168 00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:27,838 Yes. 169 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,449 - Oh, my God. - Shit. 170 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,774 - Did you hear that? - Baron? 171 00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,297 - Yes? - It's over there. 172 00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:34,366 - Baron? - Baron? - I am here. 173 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:35,561 - Here, here. Start digging, man. - Here. Come on. 174 00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,282 Shit. 175 00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:40,285 Big pull now. Almost there. 176 00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:46,335 Well, fancy seeing you here, Baron. 177 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:49,469 We thought you were dead. 178 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,427 Well, no, I am not. 179 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,385 You see, when you buried me, 180 00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:57,520 I was pretty much dead, but not completely dead. 181 00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:01,524 Give The Baron his last sip. 182 00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:02,762 Of course. 183 00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,179 Shall we just get him in? 184 00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,963 - Yeah. - Goodbye, Baron. 185 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:08,400 I was able to slowly regain my strength, 186 00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:11,229 subsisting on the blood-soaked dirt 187 00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:15,669 of the many, many humans you have buried out here. 188 00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:17,192 That was a bit of luck. 189 00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,586 Now, I did try to dig my way to the surface 190 00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,588 using just my mouth 191 00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:25,679 and this one arm that is fused to my chest. 192 00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:29,247 I guess I was digging sideways instead of up. 193 00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:35,558 Yeah, that'll happen when your arm is, uh, yeah. 194 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,779 Soon, I recovered enough to cry out 195 00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:41,042 and beg you to dig me up. 196 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:43,784 Uh, "Help! Help!" I cried. 197 00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,873 - Oh, okay. That was you, then. - Right. 198 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,570 Yeah, I heard the screams, 199 00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,833 but I just thought it was someone in the neighborhood 200 00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:52,575 in grave danger. I was like, "Not my problem." 201 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,359 That is all in the past, 202 00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:59,321 because I am now back, and I have never felt better. 203 00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:02,039 - If I, if I could just... get... - Well, you look good. 204 00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:05,501 Oh, oh. Almost. Ah. Yes, okay. 205 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,329 - There we go. - Okay. 206 00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:09,853 - Who wants to get smacked first? - Oh. 207 00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,855 Yeah, it was a little nerve-racking 208 00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:14,554 seeing The Baron again, considering our-our history. 209 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,864 But he doesn't seem to remember anything. 210 00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:23,911 He was on a lot of drug blood that night, so... 211 00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,957 What he don't know won't hurt him, or me. 212 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,829 So nice to be back in the arms 213 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:33,529 of a big, strong boy. Mwah. 214 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,202 But this means that that Sire theory... 215 00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:36,488 "If he dies they all die"... 216 00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,229 That might be real. 217 00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,927 Sorry, Baron. Urgent matter. 218 00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:42,059 We must attend to it. Bye! 219 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,105 Feed him. A simple task. 220 00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,517 I accept full responsibility. 221 00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,456 I don't see how that helps us. 222 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,328 Oh, good evening, my sweet companions. 223 00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:52,635 The Baron. You're alive... ish. 224 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,638 - Well, catch me up. Have you taken over America? - Uh... 225 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:58,815 Well, we've, um, taken over the local Vampiric Council. 226 00:09:58,859 --> 00:09:59,816 Huzzah! 227 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,644 Yes, huzzah! 228 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,646 But it's not going so great. 229 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,300 Understatement of the year. 230 00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:06,823 What she said. 231 00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,695 Yes, you've picked a bit of a shitty time 232 00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,827 - to come back from the dead. - I see. 233 00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:13,047 Uh, speaking of which, could one of you be a dear 234 00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:14,962 and push my eye back in? 235 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,399 Guillermo? - Guillermo. 236 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,576 Also, I think one of my ears fell off in the foyer, 237 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,709 - if we could... - Which one? - Does it matter? 238 00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,668 - Which ear was it again? - The right one. 239 00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,409 We need to find The Sire! 240 00:10:27,452 --> 00:10:28,821 I believe his theory. I always have. 241 00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,630 Oh. Shit. They're right, what are we doing? 242 00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,695 - Nobody panic. Everybody... - I'm not panicking! 243 00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:33,894 We're all gonna die! 244 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,417 My sword. 245 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:36,287 Come on, there's no time to waste! 246 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,332 Help! 247 00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:45,557 Sorry, there's not chalkboard in here, so I had to use my mouth. 248 00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,256 So, you want to catch a vampire, huh? 249 00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,693 Well, it ain't gonna be easy. 250 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:53,957 It's not like catching rats or elderly joggers. 251 00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,917 Joggers. Yeah, that's Jaws, 1975. 252 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,007 The shark kept malfunctioning, and so Spielberg... 253 00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,573 Shut up! 254 00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,227 You promoted me to be a bodyguard. 255 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:06,970 I believe that I should be in charge 256 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,580 of catching The Sire. 257 00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:13,585 - All right. - Yeah. Fuck it. - What? 258 00:11:13,629 --> 00:11:15,302 - Okay, fine. Yeah, sure, whatever. - Don't give a shit. 259 00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:17,285 Now wait just a moment. 260 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:20,680 You are going to place the fate of all vampire-kind 261 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,857 into the hands of your familiar? 262 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:26,903 Well, he's actually quite a skilled vampire hunter. 263 00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:31,647 I mean, he killed you. 264 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:36,130 - ...gene, he killed Eugene. A very powerful vampire. - Oh. 265 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:38,654 Maybe later we'll talk about Eugene some more, 266 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:39,655 but, Guide Lady, I need you to check in 267 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,048 with your intel sources. 268 00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,571 How do you know I have intel sources? 269 00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,094 Oh, you don't? 270 00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:47,097 No, I-I do have intel sources. The Watchers. 271 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,771 Nadja, why don't you go with her, tag along? 272 00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,294 Maybe you'll learn a thing or two. 273 00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,948 And, Laszlo, why don't you change your shoes, 274 00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:53,689 'cause those don't look comfy at all, and you're gonna 275 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,255 - do some groundwork, okay? - Why don't you get fucked? 276 00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,629 Okay. And you go get me a glass of water, no ice. 277 00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:59,066 Yeah, I wouldn't have a clue 278 00:11:59,109 --> 00:12:00,763 where you would find something like that. 279 00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,828 - Don't get cocky. - Eat shit, Guillermo. 280 00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:04,482 Have you got some sack, my boy. 281 00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,856 So then, if you don't need me, I'll be on my way. 282 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,268 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Guillermo. 283 00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,859 Not so fast. 284 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,209 - Not so fast, old chap. - Okay, then. 285 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,646 What are you waiting for? You have your orders. Go. 286 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,610 Let's do it. - Come on. 287 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,020 When I'm in desperate need of information, 288 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,567 I have two go-to sources. 289 00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:23,786 The Watchers. 290 00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,377 Are they meeting us here, or...? 291 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,707 Oh, they're here already. 292 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,883 They've always been here. 293 00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,190 I mean, at least since this building was built. 294 00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,931 Hello, ladies. 295 00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,107 Oh, yeah. 296 00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,459 - Honey, it's been way too long. - Oh. 297 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,809 And looks like you finally made a friend. 298 00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,333 - Hello. - We have a desperate emergency. 299 00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,335 We were wondering if anyone has spotted 300 00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:53,598 an ancient vampire on the loose? 301 00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:56,993 - About four-foot-nine. Horrible face. - Oh, my. 302 00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:58,386 Completely naked. 303 00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,910 Genitalia like nothing you've ever seen. 304 00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:03,739 You'd be surprised at what I have seen, 305 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,697 but no, not ringing any bells. 306 00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,023 Speaking of ringing bells, listen to this. 307 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,502 You know how Count Blake the Torturous 308 00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:09,721 is selling his haunted clock tower? 309 00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,181 - Yes. - Well, it turns out 310 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,618 they had to lower the asking price, twice. 311 00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:15,205 - Twice! - - In this market? 312 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,187 I know. Just because it has half a staircase 313 00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:18,841 doesn't make it a duplex. 314 00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,801 Also, yeah, they're, like, super gossipy bitches. 315 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,454 Oh! Sorry! This is very urgent! 316 00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,543 - Back to it, please. We need your help. - No fun. 317 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,826 All right, I'll check in with some of the other gargoyles. 318 00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:28,982 Thank you. 319 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,963 Oh, you know, I've heard this sound at night sometimes, 320 00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:36,685 but I always just thought it was a passing truck. 321 00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:37,860 Huh! 322 00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,819 Oh. 323 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,492 All right, all right, I've got something for you. 324 00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:44,824 So, hearing from one of my 'goyles out in Queens... 325 00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,129 "'Goyles." We get it. 326 00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,697 Low-hanging fruit has never made me laugh. 327 00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,893 Your sense of humor is so fucking interesting. 328 00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,875 Oh, shut up, you old cooze. 329 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,834 - The Sire! The Sire! - You got it. 330 00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:56,966 A creature that matches that description 331 00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,663 was spotted in Ozone Park. 332 00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,578 - Ozone Park. Got it. - Come on! 333 00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,982 - Thank you. - Uh, wait! Don't you have any hot goss for us? 334 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,602 Quid pro quo, Clarice. 335 00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,106 Sorry. Fresh out. 336 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,803 - Got to run! - Oh! Nice! 337 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,563 I guess see you next time you need something from us. 338 00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:11,589 - What a pair of messy bitches. - Yeah. 339 00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,374 I'm obsessed. 340 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,873 - Sire! - Where's that magic flute 341 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,092 - when you need it? - Shush, Laszlo. 342 00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:17,180 All right, everyone, 343 00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:18,596 stay alert and stay vigilant. 344 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,250 Careful. He might be hiding up a tree. 345 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,904 Oh... 346 00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,253 Stop! 347 00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,168 - What is that? - Look at these footsteps. 348 00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:26,909 - Something's not right. - Careful! 349 00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,521 Just like I suspected. 350 00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,088 Vampire piss. 351 00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:33,932 How do you know what vampire piss tastes like? 352 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,397 - Just trust me, okay? - Hmm. 353 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,833 Judging by these tracks, 354 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,791 he's headed... south. 355 00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,229 - Oh. - Okay, you heard Piss Man. Let's move. 356 00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,753 - She calls for us to move! - I just fucking said it. 357 00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,407 She just fucking said it! 358 00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:49,323 I made a posting on the website Nextdoor 359 00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,542 asking if anyone saw anything suspicious, 360 00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,457 but it-it just kind of turned into 361 00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,087 an orgy of racism. 362 00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,046 - Okay! Come on! This way! - Oh, we must hurry. 363 00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,855 Go, Hellhound. Go, baby. 364 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,683 Careful, careful. 365 00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,207 Looks like The Sire stopped for a snack. 366 00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:06,446 - Oh, little snack. - Probably the security guard. 367 00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:09,821 - Yum. - It's like the meat has been sucked out from the inside, 368 00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:12,999 like a hairy crab leg. 369 00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:14,933 - He probably took the carcass inside. - The what? 370 00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,698 - The "cuh-cass." The "cuh-cass." - Yes, 371 00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:18,743 - "cuh-cass." - Which means one thing. 372 00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:19,962 He's trapped. 373 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,659 - This is our chance. - Great. 374 00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:23,420 - Well, you go ahead and we'll wait here. - No! 375 00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:26,142 - All your lives depend on this! - All vampires' lives! 376 00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,970 Not mine. Not energy vampires. 377 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,580 This is hopeless. 378 00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,495 The sun is going to come up and, when it does, 379 00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,647 it's going to kill that thing and then we're all going to die 380 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,586 and it's all because of me! 381 00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,347 Fucking... 382 00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,677 Stop feeling sorry for yourself, okay? 383 00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:41,941 And help me help you fix this! 384 00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,119 Let's go kill that Sire. 385 00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,077 - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yes. Well, no, no! 386 00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,992 Let's not kill. We're not gonna kill it. 387 00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:52,212 Whoa there, beast! Heel! 388 00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:54,668 - No, we're not gonna kill it, remem... - Cursed brute! 389 00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:56,477 A little help, please? 390 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,480 Wow, that freak really tore this place up. 391 00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,569 Where is the ravenous little monster? 392 00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,179 Okay, here's what we're gonna do. 393 00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:05,051 Nadja, Laszlo, you'll find The Sire 394 00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:06,791 and corner him to the back of the store 395 00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:09,185 while Colin Robinson, Nandor and myself will be there 396 00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:11,100 waiting for him so he doesn't escape. 397 00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,320 And, uh, 398 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,409 Guide Lady and The Baron... 399 00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:17,517 - Mm-hmm. - ...whatever you do, just do it quietly. 400 00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:18,649 Will do. 401 00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,392 Come on, my darling. Let's head for the women's intimates. 402 00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,220 - This way. - Can you stop flashing that thing in my eyes? 403 00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:25,201 Sorry. 404 00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:26,898 Yoo-hoo! 405 00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:28,509 Grijillium. 406 00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,511 Now, if I had my magic flute, 407 00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,339 this would all be over in two minutes. 408 00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,404 Would you shut the fuck up about your pissing magic flute? 409 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:35,864 My magic flute works. 410 00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,822 Grianjistun! 411 00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,217 Bloody shit! There he is! 412 00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,959 - Oh! - Whoa! 413 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,483 - Oh! - Whoa! 414 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,187 Shit. 415 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,058 Dring Grinjly. 416 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,367 Gruj-Grujum! 417 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,759 Oh. 418 00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:03,761 Jin-Jingreelij. 419 00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:08,201 We've come to take you home to your lovely, cozy prison cell! 420 00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:09,593 What is he doing? 421 00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,049 We need something to get his attention. 422 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,268 Yeah, well, we might be in luck. 423 00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:13,858 We don't have a magic flute. 424 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,471 We got one of these. Don't mind if I do. 425 00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:19,473 Careful. 426 00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:24,173 Oh, yes. That's right. 427 00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,958 Come on, big green baby. Yes, come to Mama. 428 00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,352 Oh, Laszlo, look out! 429 00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:30,745 My darling! 430 00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,399 Fuck me. 431 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:33,704 Leave him alone! 432 00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:34,923 Stop it! 433 00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,577 Leave my husband alone! 434 00:17:46,848 --> 00:17:48,197 Laszlo! 435 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:50,460 My darling! Oh! 436 00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:53,376 Are you dead?! My love. 437 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,465 I think I swallowed the harmonica. 438 00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,773 Where is that thing? 439 00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:01,839 If I had more time, I would build something more advanced, 440 00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,430 obviously, but... 441 00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:05,432 I think this will get the job done. 442 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,390 They didn't have any armor, so I had to make do. 443 00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:10,132 - Yeah. See? - Yeah, that'll do it. - Yes. 444 00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:14,049 - Yeah. - All we need now is bait. 445 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,270 No. No. 446 00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:18,619 - Yes. - No. 447 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,229 Why do I have to be tied to this rope? 448 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,622 So that we can yank you back 449 00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,493 moments before you are viciously mauled. 450 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,497 Shit. What the fuck is this? 451 00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:30,457 Greetings and salutations! 452 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,154 Laszlo, enough. 453 00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:34,330 You did not swallow a bloody harmonica. 454 00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,419 Yes... I... did. 455 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:40,380 Human bait. Obviously! We should have done this from the start! 456 00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,164 Nice little car, Baron! 457 00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:45,341 Oh, I am controlling it with my mind. 458 00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:46,908 Looking good. 459 00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:48,407 That's great. Where-where is The Sire, though? 460 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,694 He lunged at us. And he moves like lightning. 461 00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,348 So be prepared to yank that rope 462 00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,350 and the human bait very, very quickly. 463 00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,439 Don't care about it. Just yank. 464 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,963 - Negabme. - Shit. 465 00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:02,726 Quick! Get out of here! He can see us! 466 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,538 Make yourself look appetizing, Guillermo. 467 00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:10,453 Shake your moneymaker. 468 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:13,587 Enough of this. 469 00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:17,112 Why did you yank me early? 470 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,635 That's what she said. 471 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:21,247 I just found out about that series of jokes. 472 00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,379 Because you should not be in this situation. 473 00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,599 This is all my doing. 474 00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:28,906 I should be the one that goes toe to toe with the beast. 475 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:31,996 Nandor, wait. 476 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,000 Uh, I have something I need to tell you. 477 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,393 Okay. 478 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,440 I don't think you should wear that helmet, 479 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,616 because it's going to make absolutely no difference 480 00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:45,793 when The Sire is crushing you and mincing you to smithereens. 481 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,795 - Uh, I... - You look very stupid. 482 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:50,232 - Okay. - Take it off. 483 00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:53,453 And I appreciate you telling me that. 484 00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:54,715 You are a good friend. 485 00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,369 Thanks for nothing. 486 00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,371 - But I was... trying to save... - Wish me luck. 487 00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,134 - Luck. - Good luck. - 488 00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:05,552 Hello, Mr. Sire! I'm coming to visit with you! 489 00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,945 Hey! Hey! 490 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,644 - Hey! Quit! Can you not do that, please?! - Neberme ate. 491 00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,081 That's not very nice! Hey! 492 00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:14,450 - Neberme ate. - Please don't do that. 493 00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,432 What is Nandor doing? 494 00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,260 The beast just wants to be free. 495 00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,784 - Neberme ate. - Ha-ha! Can't catch me! Ow! 496 00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:23,483 - How do you know that? - Well, that is what it keeps saying. 497 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:27,269 "Neberme ate." Which means "do not take me back" 498 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,576 in the ancient vampire tongue. 499 00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,099 I thought we all knew this. 500 00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,274 You speak its language? 501 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,797 But of course. 502 00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,799 - Master, wait! I'm coming! - Wh... 503 00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:38,411 - Whoa! - It's fine. It's going great. 504 00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:40,239 I think he's getting tired. 505 00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,980 - Speak to it. Speak to it. - Why should I have to speak... 506 00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,373 Ko ne dabas, mek? 507 00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:48,986 Ow. 508 00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:50,118 Ne, ne, ne. 509 00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,306 Oh, oh! 510 00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,830 What's so G-damn funny? 511 00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:08,876 Oh. Ladies and gentlemen, 512 00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:10,617 everything is okay now. 513 00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,141 Uh, you see, Goeëjlrm here thought 514 00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,751 that you guys wanted to kill him. 515 00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,207 - We did. - GUILLERMO: What? - No, it... No. 516 00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:17,295 No, no, no, no. 517 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,755 Of course not! 518 00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:20,342 But now that he has been fed 519 00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:23,282 and knows that he is safe, everything is okay. 520 00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:27,416 - Oh. - Enter kate ne atgavo. 521 00:21:27,460 --> 00:21:30,114 Ah. And if you try to put him back in that cell, 522 00:21:30,158 --> 00:21:32,029 he's going to rip each of your throats out. 523 00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:33,988 - Fair enough. - Eh. - We could add 524 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,685 some extra hay, you know, 525 00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,208 maybe a rope swing. 526 00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:39,341 Enter kate ne atgavo! 527 00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:42,126 - - Copy that! - Makes perfect sense. 528 00:21:42,170 --> 00:21:43,345 Come on, old friend. 529 00:21:43,389 --> 00:21:45,347 No one's going to hurt you. 530 00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:48,872 Can I just say, on behalf of us... 531 00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:51,135 Oh, fuck it. Doesn't matter. 532 00:21:52,136 --> 00:21:53,703 So we were able to get The Sire 533 00:21:53,747 --> 00:21:56,445 back under Vampiric Council control. 534 00:21:56,489 --> 00:21:59,448 See? No one's going to hurt you. We are all, uh, your friends. 535 00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:02,321 Turns out The Sire had an absolutely excellent sense 536 00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,105 of humor. Very dry. 537 00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:06,412 Do you think he'd mind it if I pulled his tail? 538 00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:07,824 - He likes it! - LASZLO: No, no. - Aah! 539 00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:09,763 Nandor, leave it, you fucking idiot. 540 00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,112 And we have sorted out 541 00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:13,375 a much more suitable living situation. 542 00:22:13,419 --> 00:22:15,072 For all involved. 543 00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:18,162 Well, frankly, it has turned out 544 00:22:18,206 --> 00:22:20,948 to be a pretty terrific setup for all three of us. 545 00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,516 - Butam vednum. - Oh. 546 00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,387 Goeëjlrm has comfort 547 00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:28,695 and space and companionship. 548 00:22:28,738 --> 00:22:31,698 - - SIRE: Neves ton tyeknon itho? 549 00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:33,743 Yes, that infernal squirrel. 550 00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:35,484 It drives him to madness. 551 00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:36,920 And the hound 552 00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,922 has been able to really be itself. 553 00:22:41,272 --> 00:22:42,752 Ah, well, 554 00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:45,929 I am thankful to no longer be suckling 555 00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:48,149 blood-soaked dirt underground. 556 00:22:49,890 --> 00:22:51,195 Oh. 557 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,676 It is time. 558 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,462 And we are able to regularly feed thanks 559 00:22:56,505 --> 00:23:00,117 to the online service Airbnb.com. 560 00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:04,731 Hello. Is this the Rustic Remote Airbnb rental? 561 00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,733 Yes. Do come in. 562 00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:09,083 You're just in time for... 563 00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:10,127 dinner. 564 00:23:28,668 --> 00:23:30,321 Ladies and gentlemen... 565 00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:34,587 ...we got him. 566 00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:36,806 You got him! 567 00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:36,387 Hillary. 568 00:24:36,431 --> 00:24:37,519 Hillary, wake up. 569 00:24:40,304 --> 00:24:41,305 I'm sorry. 570 00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:42,871 For what? 571 00:25:06,635 --> 00:25:08,115 There's been an event 572 00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:10,552 the world over. 573 00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:13,903 Everywhere, they're gone. 574 00:25:18,734 --> 00:25:22,303 I just can't make sense of it. 575 00:25:23,043 --> 00:25:24,348 How did he survive? 576 00:25:25,611 --> 00:25:26,611 Why him? 577 00:25:37,057 --> 00:25:37,797 Please try to avoid sudden ships and wait. 578 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,581 Sorry. Hey! 579 00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:42,366 My name is B.J. Novak. I want to tell you about the show I made. 580 00:25:43,977 --> 00:25:45,761 Every episode is completely different. 581 00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:46,893 Pop-culture. Sex. 582 00:25:46,936 --> 00:25:48,416 - MAN Revenge. - Guns. 583 00:25:48,459 --> 00:25:50,636 Must be training for something. 584 00:25:50,679 --> 00:25:52,246 Meaningful issues... 585 00:25:52,289 --> 00:25:53,595 Celebrity worship is better. 586 00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:55,641 ...explored through meaningless comedy. 587 00:25:55,684 --> 00:25:58,078 You never forget a scrotum like that. 588 00:25:58,121 --> 00:25:59,688 Haunts my dreams. 589 00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:00,776 That's it.