1 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,388 Hey! 2 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,557 Learn how to drive, you jabroni! 3 00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:18,018 I'll sue you to the bottom of the fucking Hudson! 4 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,689 It's so great to be back in New York. 5 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:23,732 - Yeah. - Rats! 6 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:24,900 - Rat! - Oh, where? 7 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,318 Ooh! Ooh! 8 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,668 We come bearing gifts. 9 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:43,835 - Oh. Wow. - Hi. 10 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,629 - I see that. - Hi, pretty. 11 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,426 Oh, look at that-- look at that view. 12 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,387 That's gorgeous. 13 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,100 You know I can't accept bribes. 14 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,351 - Bribes? I don't see bribes. - Bribes? 15 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:00,978 Oh, no, this-- 16 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,688 - I just have low blood sugar. - It's like a hostess- 17 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,815 I wanted to grab some fruit. No, I went to a bodega. 18 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:06,483 Uh... 19 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,652 Well, I--I heard that you were understandably 20 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,904 less than pleased that I announced 21 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:13,699 I was doing a show at your esteemed venue 22 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,284 before I had actually booked it. 23 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,077 And I just wanted to come in person and apologize 24 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,371 and say I cannot wait to work together. 25 00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,748 You're right. I was very pissed off. 26 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:24,376 Because that is not how things work around here. 27 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:25,961 No. I--I'm sorry. 28 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,295 And if you had come to me, 29 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:28,589 I would have told you that 30 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,924 I don't think you're right for MSG. 31 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,468 I think you're right for Radio City. 32 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:35,679 I think you're right for Webster Hall. 33 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,807 Ha! I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall. 34 00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:39,850 Oh, OK. 35 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,394 I can tell you're a whole deal. 36 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,938 She is, but we do feel very strongly that the Garden 37 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,065 is the best venue for someone of Deborah's stature. 38 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,358 Mm-kay. 39 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,360 The talk show was great, 40 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,487 but you don't have the comps. 41 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:53,989 You haven't toured in years. 42 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,824 You barely have any social media presence. 43 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:58,327 It's just-- it's too much of a gamble. 44 00:01:58,410 --> 00:01:59,953 I will sell out. 45 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,748 And even if I don't, what does it matter to you? 46 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,041 I mean, we will front the rental costs. 47 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,208 You'll be off the hook. 48 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,752 It's not just about the money. 49 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,878 If you are playing MSG, 50 00:02:08,961 --> 00:02:11,089 you are the center of cultural conversation. 51 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,883 I mean, our venue is a major part 52 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,176 of New York City's history. 53 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,011 We can't just let anyone perform here. 54 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,888 I'm sorry-- isn't there a live 55 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,723 true crime podcast playing tonight? 56 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,099 "Murder My Stupid Ass Please" 57 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,310 has over 90 million monthly listeners. 58 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:26,938 It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America. 59 00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:29,232 They swayed the presidential election. 60 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,776 You know, I think you might be underestimating 61 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,694 Deborah's fans, because they are rabid. 62 00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,154 They abducted me once. 63 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,489 I got free, but I didn't call the cops, 64 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,199 because they are so sweet. 65 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,452 My point is, they're enthusiastic, 66 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:41,828 and these tickets are gonna sell. 67 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,079 I just don't see it. 68 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,665 This won't be just a stand-up show. 69 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,249 This will be historic. 70 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,835 I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me 71 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,253 and speaking truth to power. 72 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,464 This is bigger than just me. 73 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,549 I'm sorry, Deborah. 74 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,926 I am so sorry. 75 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,136 I--I should not have wasted your time 76 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,682 with this petty gifting business. 77 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,185 How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway class A stock sound? 78 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:07,187 Thank you so much for coming by. 79 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,147 Absolutely. Thanks. Thank you. 80 00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:10,148 We'll leave these with your assistant. 81 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,983 Thanks for your time. 82 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,652 Have a nice day, I guess. 83 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,364 That MSG booker is dumb. 84 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,740 And her leather jacket was stupid. 85 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,033 No, it was full-grain leather 86 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,326 in a sophisticated cut. 87 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,369 Fine, she's rich, cool, 88 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:23,829 and ruining our lives. 89 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,997 Look, we just need to reignite the base. 90 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,125 The Little Debbies would help me with anything. 91 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,835 Do you remember '93? 92 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,545 They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated 93 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,171 as the spokesperson for SnackWell's? 94 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,756 Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website 95 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:35,882 the day your cashmere dusters dropped? 96 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,216 Yeah, exactly. 97 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,176 What about that autograph convention 98 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,469 in Vegas you passed on? 99 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:40,846 The Little Debbies will love that. 100 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,555 You are a genius! All right. 101 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,599 We get my biggest fans together in one place, 102 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,351 I shower them with love and affection, 103 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,061 and then we ask them to organize 104 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:51,565 a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden. 105 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,483 - When is it? - Three weeks, the 21st. 106 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,901 That--that's Ava's birthday. 107 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,445 - It's fine. - Are there any other options? 108 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:57,821 - No. - No, no, no, I-- 109 00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,030 honestly, I don't care about my birthday. 110 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,408 I really don't. 111 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,618 You have to at least take the day off. 112 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,078 And hang out with who? 113 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,913 I only have one friend, remember? 114 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,999 What are you talking about? 115 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,584 You remember the last night in Singapore? 116 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,419 You said it was weird you were my only friend? 117 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:15,839 You probably don't remember. You were pretty drunk, girl. 118 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,591 It's fine. Don't worry. 119 00:04:17,673 --> 00:04:19,216 I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts 120 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,928 by letting a drunk person's insults affect me. 121 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,764 Seriously, you should do it. 122 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,390 So should I book it, or... 123 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,058 - Yeah. - Yeah. 124 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,769 Here, Jimmy, get the shot. 125 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,608 - Perfect. - Wha-- 126 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,234 That's what we've been waiting for? 127 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:37,402 Yeah, for content. 128 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:38,487 - God! - You need to chill. 129 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,988 Uh, she wanted content. 130 00:04:57,464 --> 00:05:00,008 Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien. 131 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,635 So we've talked to the organizers, 132 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:02,969 slipped them a hundo, and guess what. 133 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,095 They moved Heather Locklear 134 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,430 to the other side of the building. 135 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:06,890 Good. 136 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,433 She stole my exact shade of blonde in '98. 137 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:09,726 And look, I know you want to be out by 3:00, 138 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,394 so I'm gonna talk to Billy Baldwin and see 139 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,188 if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio. 140 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:14,606 Perfect, yeah, I don't want to be here too late. 141 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,024 OK. I'm gonna head to the table. 142 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,442 All right. See you over there. 143 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,945 And you. 144 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,154 Happy birthday, birthday girl. 145 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:22,405 Thank you. Oh! 146 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,698 - Tickling you. - Oh, thanks. 147 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,200 I know we normally get you a gift, 148 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,952 but we are a little low on funds this year. 149 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,203 - I'm sorry about that. - Don't even worry about it. 150 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,496 Oh, my God, I finished 151 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:30,622 your "Mall Girl" script last night. 152 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,791 - Ava, it is so good. - Mm-hmm. 153 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,876 - Oh! - Yeah, I laughed, I cried. 154 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,670 It's like, it's emotional and cinematic. 155 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,630 It's really special, and I can't wait to send it around. 156 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,048 Oh, my God. Amazing. Thank you. 157 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,424 I'm proud of you. 158 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,094 - Oh. - Coffee, birthday girl? 159 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,012 Wow. This is a really fancy tray. 160 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,598 Had it custom-made-- heaters built in, 161 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,308 USB charging, patent pending. 162 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,144 You're a really good assistant. 163 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,647 You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad. 164 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,691 It's about power. 165 00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,484 Nice watch. 166 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,532 Oh, honey, I would love to sign this, 167 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:06,992 but I can't legally. 168 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,327 I love you guys. 169 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:10,370 Mwah! 170 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,415 There they are. 171 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,958 They're probably foaming at the mouth. 172 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,626 Hey, my Little Debbies! 173 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,758 Hi. 174 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,053 Hello. 175 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,639 Oh, wow! 176 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,516 The DV Industries Swiss Army knife. 177 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,226 It's got it all. It's got the tweezers. 178 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:34,978 It's got the brow spoolie. 179 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,731 I mean, come on, who could ask for more than that? 180 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,441 Very rare item. 181 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,318 Actually, it's widely available on the internet-- 182 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,569 which you'd know if you were still active 183 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,195 on the DV message boards. 184 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,072 Um, how would you-- how would you like me to-- 185 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,574 Just your name, please. 186 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:48,617 OK. 187 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,623 It's great to see you. 188 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,043 Hey. How's it going? 189 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,753 Oddly icy. 190 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:02,005 Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob 191 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,381 on the boat in season three, 192 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,966 so I'm feeling starstruck and amazing. 193 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,259 One autograph. 194 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,553 Hi, there. Hi. 195 00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,096 - Hi. - Oh, hey. 196 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,932 Sorry, I think the line starts back there. 197 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:14,267 Oh, no. I'm actually here for you. 198 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,227 I am a huge fan. 199 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,104 Of--of me? 200 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,230 Yeah. 201 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:20,607 I was obsessed with "Girl Town," 202 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,233 and you always wrote the best episodes. 203 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,986 Oh, my God. I left college for that job. 204 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:26,279 I know. 205 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,114 And then I followed you on Twitter. 206 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,532 Even now, I'll just randomly look up 207 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:30,533 your old tweets sometimes. 208 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,911 Oh, no, don't do that. 209 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,746 Anyway, then I saw "My Bad" 210 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,831 because I heard that you'd worked on it. 211 00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,166 Yeah. 212 00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:40,085 I'd never even seen Deborah before. 213 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,628 I mean-- It's kind of crazy how 214 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,214 you've changed the whole trajectory of her career. 215 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,257 She's mad lucky to have you. 216 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,094 I wish you said that a little louder, but thank you. 217 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,805 Will you sign your "Times" magazine cover? 218 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,475 Yes, I--I've never-- 219 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,644 never signed anything for anyone before. 220 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,604 Wow. This is amazing. 221 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,648 I really now understand why parasocial relationships 222 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,024 are replacing real ones. 223 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,652 But seriously, thank you 224 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,904 for all that you contribute to society. 225 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,157 Anytime. 226 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,912 I'll catch you around. 227 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,038 Yeah, I'll be around all day. 228 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,415 Coolie. 229 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,084 Coolie. Coolie. 230 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,086 I can't tell you how sorry I am. 231 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,129 Please. It's on me. 232 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,547 Thank you. Thanks. 233 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:26,756 Thanks for coming. 234 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,466 - Ticket. - Oh, Ezekiel. 235 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,926 How nice to see a familiar face. 236 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,386 What can I sign for you? 237 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,429 I've actually signed something for you. 238 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,347 It's my resignation letter as president 239 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,851 of the Deborah Vance Fan Club, Southwest Branch. 240 00:08:37,933 --> 00:08:39,811 But Ezekiel, you-- you've been a pillar 241 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,855 of the Little Debbie community for years! 242 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,732 I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion 243 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,776 into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere. 244 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,362 OK. OK, what--what is going on? 245 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,864 What is the problem? 246 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,824 The problem is that you went Hollywood. 247 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,952 I did not go Hollywood! 248 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,328 Yes, you did. 249 00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:58,663 You haven't sent out Deborah's Dos and Don'ts 250 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,165 in almost two years. 251 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:01,708 I don't know what to do and what not to do. 252 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,626 Sometimes I just sit in the dark. 253 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:04,961 - Yeah! - Yeah! 254 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,547 You discontinued your car insurance plan! 255 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,507 - And now I'm uninsured. - Yeah! 256 00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,968 Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance. 257 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,095 And you discontinued the Deborah Vance red light mask. 258 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:16,556 I liked the burns! It eventually turned to tan. 259 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:17,640 - Yeah! - Yeah! 260 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:18,892 You won't admit you're a lizard! 261 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,772 Hey, get into a single-file line, 262 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,148 or you will be tased! 263 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,775 Do not fuck with me! 264 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,280 You should address the lizard thing. 265 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,907 It's gaining traction. 266 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,868 Who's next? 267 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,078 And you really don't mind switching with Deborah? 268 00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:39,287 Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. 269 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,247 That rant she did against Lipka? 270 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,165 Gold, legend. 271 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,959 - Guy's a freaking animal. - Tell me about it. 272 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,378 Well, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party. 273 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:50,507 I never go, but the invite's always nice. 274 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,883 Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, man. 275 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,176 We appreciate you. 276 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,011 Never too big, Jimmy. 277 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,806 - Never too big. - My man. All right. 278 00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:00,391 OK, now that's a guy I could be friends with--I love him. 279 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,060 Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss, 280 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,728 because I do not want to see you fall prey 281 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,730 to the male loneliness epidemic. 282 00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,148 - No. - I know. It's terrible. 283 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,192 My Uncle Maury shot himself in the head. 284 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,902 It's Renee O'Connor. 285 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,195 Who's that? 286 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,279 From "Xena: Warrior Princess," 287 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,989 the show--the show on The WB. 288 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,366 - Oh, TV show. - Yeah. 289 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,867 I haven't made it to TV yet. 290 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,328 I'm still making it through all the movies. 291 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,288 - She's Xena? - No, that's Gabrielle. 292 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,624 That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant. 293 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,835 - She's a traveling bard. - Well, you gotta go say hi. 294 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,294 Hell, no. I would be so nervous. 295 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,963 I--I would faint. No, I couldn't. 296 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,673 I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times. 297 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:33,174 I even still have a recurring dream 298 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,051 that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus 299 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,803 so that humans don't lose their capacity for healing and fire. 300 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,471 Jimmy, you're meeting her. 301 00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:39,848 You'll regret it if you don't. Come on. 302 00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:41,850 - You think? - I know so. 303 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,184 OK. OK. 304 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,352 God, I wish I had a beta blocker. 305 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,436 - Ah. - All right, let's go. 306 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,355 Whoo! 307 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:48,690 So are you working on anything else, 308 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,483 other than writing for Deborah? 309 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,943 Yeah, yeah, I actually just wrote a movie 310 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,695 about a girl who lives at the mall, so-- 311 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,697 Oh! Such a good idea. 312 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,241 Got my tickets. I am "saur" sat. 313 00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,701 You are so sweet. 314 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,870 Shit, wait, this is just occurring to me. 315 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,663 Are you gonna have to leave Deborah? 316 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,373 No, no. I mean, 317 00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,875 especially not after what she did for me 318 00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,293 - at "Late Night." - Mm. 319 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:14,007 So what's your, like, dream? 320 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,592 You know, I've always wanted to create my own show. 321 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,926 Oh. 322 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,845 I was voted Most Likely to Showrun 323 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,430 in my high school yearbook. 324 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,057 I mean, I did create the superlative, but still. 325 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,018 I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, 326 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,562 but, um, it's your birthday today, right? 327 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,772 Yeah. Yes, it is. 328 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:32,150 And you're turning 30, right? 329 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,568 - Yeah. - Poof! 330 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,653 Pretty big milestone. 331 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,197 Are you, like, freaking out about 332 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,406 where you're at in your life? 333 00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,033 No, not--I mean, no, 334 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,492 not really, I don't think. 335 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,494 Should I? No. No! I'm not. 336 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:46,915 Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday, 337 00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,165 like a cupcake or-- 338 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,043 You don't have to. 339 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,295 But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing. 340 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,005 Or if they have vanilla cake, 341 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,840 I still would want chocolate icing. 342 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,258 But if Funfetti is in the mix, of course-- 343 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,635 They just have corn muffins. 344 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,261 Perfect. 345 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,722 - It's your day. - Whoo! 346 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,515 Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden 347 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,892 and not Portsmouth, New Hampshire? 348 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,268 I mean, we are important too. 349 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,229 We built the Revolutionary War fleet. 350 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,397 And we so appreciate that. 351 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,691 You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call. 352 00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,944 Now, how we supposed to sync up on micro-theme? 353 00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,404 You never published another book of Debokus, 354 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:21,282 and the regular sudokus are just too hard. 355 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:22,617 I'm mad you left QVC. 356 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,702 And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier. 357 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,038 Work it out. 358 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,456 I miss Marcus. 359 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:30,750 Damien never sends us locks of your hair. 360 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,337 You didn't endorse a candidate 361 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,298 in the presidential election, so I didn't vote. 362 00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,008 And now my kids won't talk to me. 363 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,593 I sent you two suspicious packages 364 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:43,221 and didn't even receive a cease-and-desist letter. 365 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,264 You used to care. 366 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:45,223 OK, that's it! 367 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,224 I need a break. 368 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,433 10-minute break. 369 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,230 These people are impossible to please. 370 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,648 I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them 371 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,400 every single moment of my life. 372 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,651 Think of it this way. 373 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,528 Today, you are being paid to be yelled at. 374 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,571 For some people, that's a kink. 375 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,993 Oh, yeah. This is classic Gabby, yeah. 376 00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:07,412 Oh, she looks the exact same. 377 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:08,830 Did you know it was actually the fans 378 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,873 that saw Xena as a guest character on "Hercules," 379 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,542 and they were so enthusiastic 380 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,377 that they actually helped get the spin-off series made? 381 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,005 Grassroots movements are always so inspiring. 382 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,465 That is, until they turn bloodthirsty. 383 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,800 - Next! - It's us. 384 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,677 - Here we go. Here we go. - We paid. 385 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,304 - Hi. I'm Renee. - Oh, I'm Renee-- 386 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,638 - um, you're Renee. - Yeah, I'm Renee. 387 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:26,764 - You're Renee. - I am Renee. 388 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,016 - I'm Jimmy. - You're Jimmy. 389 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,434 - I am so starstruck. - It's OK. 390 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,144 I'm so sorry. This is weird because-- 391 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,521 so, OK, I'm a manager in LA, so I never get starstruck. 392 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,148 But I--I think that you are such a talent, and... 393 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,441 Oh. 394 00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,984 The series meant so much to me. 395 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,902 I was so lucky to be a part of that world. 396 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,571 Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast? 397 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,197 You know, they're really big right now, 398 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,615 where you go through old episodes and discuss them? 399 00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:45,825 I don't think enough people 400 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,035 want to hear me talk about that. 401 00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:48,161 - Girl, shut up! - Are you kidding? 402 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,162 - We love the show! - No. 403 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,455 We've watched it all. 404 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:51,622 People would love that content. 405 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,290 Like, the Hope storyline, you know? 406 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,043 When did you realize your daughter was gonna be evil? 407 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,170 Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you? 408 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,880 Well, her father was a wicked demigod, 409 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:00,423 so it kind of tipped it off for me. 410 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,758 Right. 411 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,092 Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual? 412 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,302 I was like, that's gonna come back. 413 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:05,803 - It did. - Yeah. 414 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,221 Do you mind if we get a photo? 415 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:08,681 Of course. 416 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,058 I'm sorry. I'm sweating. I'm-- 417 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,267 It's OK. 418 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,560 - Yay. - Ah! 419 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,020 - Smile big! - Yay. Yay. 420 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,813 Bigger! Ah, cuties! 421 00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,315 Not that big. Not that big. 422 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,025 Split the difference. Split the difference. 423 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,027 Maybe I should just start over and get all new fans. 424 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,612 I mean, there are people born every day, right? 425 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:23,905 I gotta tell you, I mean, 426 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,323 as someone who just got their first fan, 427 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:26,783 you really need to cherish these moments. 428 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,201 It's been 12 minutes, and I said 10. 429 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,744 Oh! 430 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,412 OK, hey, just try to keep it together. 431 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,789 All right? 432 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,374 No promises. 433 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,583 OK. 434 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,045 Hello. How can I do better for you? 435 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,340 Oh, no. I just wanted to say thank you. 436 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,008 Oh. 437 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,885 You're--you're welcome. For what? 438 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,845 Well, my mom and I have been, like, 439 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:51,140 huge fans of yours ever since "Live Free or Diet," 440 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:54,185 and we came to Vegas, and we saw you at the Palmetto. 441 00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:55,645 And then we were, like... 442 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,314 Literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours 443 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,483 the entire car ride home. 444 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,360 It was, like, the best weekend. 445 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,195 Oh, I'm so glad. Thank you. 446 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:08,408 Anyway, we made you something to say thank you. 447 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,703 It's you, Barry, and Cara. 448 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:14,914 Wow. 449 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,541 And we made this completely out of 450 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:18,042 natural seeds and grains. 451 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,669 29 types. 452 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,130 - Whew! - We were sorting yellow peas 453 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,048 for an entire winter just to nail 454 00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,509 your light honey blonde. 455 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:27,677 It's gotten a little warped 456 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,178 because we made it three years ago, 457 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,055 but you haven't been to any of these, so we-- 458 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,766 we couldn't get it to you, but here you go. 459 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,187 It's beautiful. 460 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,314 It's beautiful. 461 00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:42,567 Is your mom here so I can thank her? 462 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,610 Oh, no. 463 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,447 She passed in May. 464 00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:50,408 I'm--I'm so sorry, honey. 465 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,367 Thank you. 466 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,869 She would be so happy 467 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,996 that I was finally able to get this to you. 468 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:57,623 She really loved you. 469 00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,709 Thank you. 470 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,378 Thank you. 471 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,219 I--I need a minute. 472 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,139 It--it's OK. 473 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:14,932 Damien, it's OK. 474 00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,481 - Ugh. - Oh, man. 475 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,076 Oh, yeah. Been there. 476 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,829 It's carpal tunnel. You need one of these. 477 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,206 No. It's not that. 478 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,125 It's...this. 479 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,543 Ah. 480 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:45,755 Fan art so ugly, it moves you to tears? 481 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,215 Something like that. 482 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,175 I once had a guy paint a portrait of me 483 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,761 using a stamp pad and his anus. 484 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,097 It's framed in my bathroom. 485 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,474 No, it's not that it's ugly. 486 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,893 I mean, it is. 487 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,145 But it's just that this-- 488 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:04,482 this woman and her mother 489 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,359 spent months of their lives making this. 490 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,278 Oh, yeah, but so what? 491 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,030 They love doing it. 492 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,824 They support us, we show up for them. 493 00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:16,493 That's the frickin' deal, mama. 494 00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:18,119 Well, that's the thing. 495 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,373 I haven't been showing up for them. 496 00:17:20,455 --> 00:17:23,501 And they're very mad at me for it. 497 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:25,211 They'll forgive you. 498 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,464 I don't deserve it. 499 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,132 I just came here to exploit them 500 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,551 because I need their help. 501 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,511 Ah. 502 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:37,348 Well, just tell them what you need. 503 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,642 They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you 504 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,186 and that you need them more than anyone else, 505 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,772 and it sounds like you might. 506 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:48,067 The truth will set you free, baby doll. 507 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,610 That's all they want. 508 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,576 That, and a T-shirt 509 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:59,412 that only some people are allowed to get. 510 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,429 Um, Little--Little Debbies. 511 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,307 Uh--uh, I have news. 512 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,810 Madison Square Garden won't give me a date 513 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,770 because they say I'm not big enough to play it. 514 00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,063 What? 515 00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:29,984 So I came here to get you 516 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,194 to rally for me, 517 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,322 which is unfair, 518 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,533 because you're right. 519 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,201 I have neglected you. 520 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:44,123 And I am so sorry. 521 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,541 Hold on, they're saying 522 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,376 you're not big enough to play MSG? 523 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,628 Fuck that! 524 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,838 The Garden would be lucky to have you. 525 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,715 - Yeah! - Thank you. 526 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,676 Well, in time, I hope that I can regain your trust. 527 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,095 They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do! 528 00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,889 - That's our job! - Yeah 529 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,932 You're the greatest comedian of all time. 530 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,059 - Yes! - Yeah! 531 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,685 So the Knicks can play MSG, 532 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,562 but not Deborah Vance? 533 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,522 - Misogynistic bullshit! - Yes! 534 00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,483 I don't care if you are a lizard. 535 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,360 You deserve to play MSG! 536 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,196 As president of the Little Debbies 537 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,531 Tucson chapter, this will not stand. 538 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,492 Wait, sorry, sorry. 539 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,118 I thought you were my fan. 540 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,745 What are you talking about? That's Cindy. 541 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,163 She's a third-generation Little Debbie. 542 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,414 That's right. 543 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,999 I'm here for Deborah. 544 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,834 I just wanted to replace you and write for her, 545 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,419 you stupid bitch! 546 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,004 Oh, my God. 547 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,339 Well-- 548 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,882 So you didn't like any of my tweets? 549 00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:37,009 They're not jokes. They're thought poems! 550 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,386 OK. 551 00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,221 Deborah, who do we talk to about this? 552 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,555 - Yeah. - Yeah. 553 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:46,519 AmandaWeinberg@ msg-entertainment.com, 554 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:51,315 1 Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H. 555 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:54,026 Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue. 556 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,611 That's a promise. 557 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,321 Yeah, well, if you can do that, 558 00:19:57,405 --> 00:20:01,242 I'm making the tickets $20, so you all can come! 559 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,493 And you know what? 560 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:03,994 I'm bringing back Deborah Plus. 561 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,372 And you know what else? 562 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:07,790 This year's Christmas theme 563 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,834 is fuchsia and cherry-- 564 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:12,211 the 1997 redux! 565 00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:19,051 Deborah, Deborah, Deborah! 566 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,428 Good, actually-- I didn't think it would be, 567 00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:21,804 - but the macchiato--why? - Made me sick. 568 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,347 - Jimmy. - The macchiato is really good. 569 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:24,974 - Jimmy! Jimmy! - Oh, Renee. 570 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,475 - Hey. - Yeah. 571 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,352 You know, I want to thank you for your advice. 572 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:29,812 I reached out to Lucy, 573 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,231 and she loves the "Xena" rewatch podcast idea. 574 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:34,316 - Lucy Lawless knows my idea? - Yeah. 575 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,568 Well, you know, it's really nice 576 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:36,736 to talk about business with someone 577 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,446 who is familiar with my work. 578 00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:40,656 I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, 579 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,199 much less actually watch the whole show. 580 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:43,492 - What? People-- - Pathetic. 581 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:44,702 People are insane. People are sick. 582 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:45,870 People are sick. I don't get it. 583 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,621 - Sick people. - Pieces of shit. 584 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,790 I'm sure your roster is crowded, but, um, 585 00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:52,585 would you ever consider representing me? 586 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,253 - Us? - Yes! 587 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,671 - Absolutely. - All right. 588 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,256 Well, then, I mean, 589 00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:58,674 I probably should give you, you know, 590 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,301 10% of what I made today. 591 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,886 No, no, no, that's not necessary, but thank you. 592 00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,387 Are you OK with hundreds? 593 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:04,930 - Uh-- - Yes! 594 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:06,015 - Love them. I will take those. - We are. We are. 595 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,475 - Thank you. - Wow. 596 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:08,809 - No, this is--this is-- - Could use the money. 597 00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:10,394 OK, well, this was amazing. 598 00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:12,688 Consider yourself a client of Schaefer and LuSaque. 599 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:13,689 Yeah, let me put you on an email 600 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,232 with Lucy and I next week? 601 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:16,609 When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner. 602 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:18,360 - You like Greek? - I love Greek. 603 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,237 I don't eat octopus, though, anymore. 604 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:22,198 - They're too intelligent. - That's right. 605 00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:29,163 Erik Estrada looked amazing. 606 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,247 Surprise! 607 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,708 Oh, my God. 608 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,878 Oh, my God. 609 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:36,962 What a surprise. 610 00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:39,715 This is crazy! 611 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:41,217 We love you, girl. 612 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,843 - Thank you. - Ah. 613 00:21:42,927 --> 00:21:44,720 Happy birthday, love. 614 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,349 - Hi, Mom. - Happy birthday, honey. 615 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,767 Look who's here. 616 00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:51,268 Oh, wow. Hi! 617 00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:52,728 - Hi! - Jenny Reagan. 618 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,021 It's me. Yup, hey. 619 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,148 How are you? Nice to see you. 620 00:21:56,232 --> 00:21:57,608 Hi. It's so nice to see you. 621 00:21:57,691 --> 00:21:59,235 - Uh-huh. - It's been forever. 622 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,654 - Eighth grade graduation. - How could I forget? 623 00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:03,697 Yeah, when Deborah called, I told her how inseparable 624 00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:06,200 you two were and how it would mean the world to you 625 00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:07,993 to be together on your 30th. 626 00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:09,370 - So here we all are. - Absolutely. 627 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,038 - Yup, yup, yup. - How are you? 628 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,122 - Look at you two. - Amazing. 629 00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,207 - Yeah. - Yeah. 630 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,500 I married Greg Holland. 631 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,293 Remember him? 632 00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:17,461 Um-- 633 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:18,671 He ran through a glass door. 634 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:19,964 His cousin drowned in the quarry. 635 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:21,340 Oh, yes, Greg! 636 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,383 He used to put girls in his hockey bag. 637 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,634 Him. Anyway, 638 00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:24,635 we have four kids under six. 639 00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:25,803 - Whoa! - Yep. 640 00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:26,971 - Whoa! - Yep, all natural. 641 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,764 Oh, my--good for you. 642 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,307 Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here. 643 00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:31,684 - Yeah, I bet. - Oh, I should tell you, 644 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:32,768 Mr. Murch just died. 645 00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:33,978 Oh, that's so sad. 646 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,020 No, it's not. 647 00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:36,063 He was a pedophile, 648 00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:37,648 convicted multiple times over. 649 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:40,401 - Let's party! - OK! 650 00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,569 Come on! 651 00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:45,030 Oh... 652 00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:46,615 Oh, my God! 653 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:50,411 And we got just a few of your favorite things. 654 00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:52,204 The entire Jack in the Box menu. 655 00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,831 Cranberry kombucha. 656 00:22:53,914 --> 00:22:55,833 Oh, yes, cupcakes from a queer bakery. 657 00:22:55,916 --> 00:22:57,042 Oh. 658 00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:58,085 - And of course-- - Oh, my God. 659 00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,378 Bertucci's rolls 660 00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,297 and Papa Gino Papa Melts? 661 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:02,673 I had them flown in this morning. 662 00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,049 I missed these rolls. 663 00:23:08,846 --> 00:23:10,723 The spray cleans the screen 664 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,809 while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard. 665 00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,144 Thank you so much. 666 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,062 - Please use it. - I will. Sorry. 667 00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:19,273 Ladies and gentlemen, 668 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:21,400 we have one last surprise. 669 00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:25,446 Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney. 670 00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:29,241 Yes, bitch! 671 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,203 This one goes out to the most special girl 672 00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:35,289 in the world-- you know who you are. 673 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,125 - It--it's me. - Happy birthday. 674 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,835 I wrote about this in my middle school journal, 675 00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:41,253 and it's--it's coming true. 676 00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:43,631 I know! I--I read your journals. 677 00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:46,008 That's why-- that's why he's here. 678 00:23:47,885 --> 00:23:50,346 I don't want another pretty face 679 00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,848 I don't want just anyone to hold 680 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:55,935 I don't want my love to go to waste 681 00:23:56,018 --> 00:24:01,106 I want you and your beautiful soul 682 00:24:01,190 --> 00:24:02,775 Yeah 683 00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:08,197 I know that you 684 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,282 Are something special 685 00:24:10,366 --> 00:24:15,579 And to you, I'd be always faithful 686 00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:18,582 And I want to be 687 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,834 What you always needed 688 00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:24,421 Then I hope you see the heart in me 689 00:24:24,505 --> 00:24:27,174 I don't want another pretty face 690 00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:30,010 I don't want just anyone to hold 691 00:24:30,094 --> 00:24:32,763 I don't want my love to go to waste 692 00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:37,017 I want you and your beautiful soul 693 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,604 OK, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow. 694 00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:42,648 You can ball your own cantaloupe. 695 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:44,316 - Good night. - Good night! 696 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:45,567 Well, you know what? 697 00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:46,860 I--I'm gonna say good night now too. 698 00:24:46,944 --> 00:24:48,821 I have a 4:15 a.m. flight 699 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,447 to Papeete to see my boyfriend 700 00:24:50,531 --> 00:24:52,825 in the Senior World Windsurfing Competition. 701 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:54,243 I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend? 702 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:55,202 Well, I emailed you about him. 703 00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:56,370 I emailed her. 704 00:24:56,453 --> 00:24:58,038 Uh, no, I don't think you did. 705 00:24:58,122 --> 00:24:59,623 Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava. 706 00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:02,126 And it's become physical, the first since your father. 707 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:04,336 Well, depends what you count. 708 00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:05,713 Oh, God. 709 00:25:05,796 --> 00:25:06,755 - Uh, well, I love you. - OK. 710 00:25:06,839 --> 00:25:08,048 - Bye. - Mwah. 711 00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:09,258 - Mwah. Good night. - Love you. 712 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:10,300 Good night. Bye. 713 00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:11,510 Awesome. 714 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:14,388 Well-- 715 00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:15,472 Oh, my God. 716 00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:16,932 That was a successful party. 717 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,434 Yeah. 718 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:21,770 You had so many friends who showed up for you. 719 00:25:21,854 --> 00:25:23,272 And that Jenny, you know, 720 00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:24,773 the one who drank vodka 721 00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:26,984 out of one of my really nice wine glasses? 722 00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:29,987 Yes, Jenny Reagan, the girl I only befriended 723 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:31,739 so that I could play with her hermit crabs. 724 00:25:31,822 --> 00:25:33,073 And then she stopped being my friend 725 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:34,742 when she got her period before me. 726 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,619 Oh, well... 727 00:25:37,703 --> 00:25:39,079 - friend's a friend. - Yeah. 728 00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,914 And you had a lot of them here. 729 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:46,587 Deborah, 730 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:48,338 did you only throw me this party 'cause you feel bad 731 00:25:48,422 --> 00:25:50,549 about what you said on the boat in Singapore? 732 00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,885 No. 733 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,553 I mean, it's your birthday! 734 00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,096 You deserve a party, a birthday party. 735 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:57,431 Wow. 736 00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:58,557 Did you ever hear of one of those? 737 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,309 Guilt looks good on you. 738 00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:03,353 Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that. 739 00:26:03,437 --> 00:26:06,106 You're not wrong. 740 00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:08,192 You are my only friend. 741 00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,403 What hurt me was that you said it was weird, 742 00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:12,738 'cause I don't think it is. 743 00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:18,368 You know, I think you're-- you're the reason that I... 744 00:26:18,452 --> 00:26:20,913 haven't been there for the Little Debbies. 745 00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:23,999 You know, I--I used to spend so much time with my fans, 746 00:26:24,083 --> 00:26:26,585 but it wasn't for them. 747 00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:28,921 It was for me. 748 00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:31,423 I--I mean, they were my friends. 749 00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:34,927 Because I never really had any. 750 00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:37,387 Yes, you did. You had friends. 751 00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:39,139 You've always had friends. You have tons of friends. 752 00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:40,182 No. 753 00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:43,936 I was popular... 754 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,939 but I never had a--a best friend. 755 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:51,068 Well, I mean, you know, my-- 756 00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:55,197 my sister, you know, we know how that went. 757 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,408 So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies, 758 00:26:58,492 --> 00:27:01,411 and it was as much for me 759 00:27:01,495 --> 00:27:03,080 as it was for them. 760 00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:05,874 But then I met you. 761 00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:12,548 And I didn't need them so much anymore. 762 00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:15,509 Well, makes sense. 763 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:17,469 I'm your number one fan. 764 00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,265 Hey. Oh, oh, oh. 765 00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,600 Oh, you've got 50 minutes left on your birthday. 766 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,144 What do you want to do? 767 00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:27,479 Hmm. 768 00:27:28,397 --> 00:27:29,857 Oh. 769 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,695 And that's my new phone background. 770 00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:37,447 Ooh! Someone's smoking the cheech. 771 00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:38,407 P-U! 772 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:39,700 You're still here. 773 00:27:39,783 --> 00:27:41,451 Oh, yeah. 774 00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:43,537 I just fucked Jesse McCartney. 775 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:45,038 - What? - Yeah! 776 00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:46,540 You cheated on Greg? 777 00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:48,333 OK, you don't know our arrangement. 778 00:27:48,417 --> 00:27:50,169 Wow, OK. Are you open? 779 00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,795 No. 780 00:27:51,879 --> 00:27:54,047 Hey, you mind if I rinse off in your swimming pool? 781 00:27:54,131 --> 00:27:55,674 I don't want to get a UTI. 782 00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:56,967 - Sure. - Wonderful. 783 00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,136 Thank you. 784 00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:00,804 Wow, lot of salt and pepper shakers. 785 00:28:00,888 --> 00:28:03,223 Think you got enough? 786 00:28:03,307 --> 00:28:04,975 - Sorry about that. - Oh, here. 787 00:28:05,058 --> 00:28:06,977 - Try this. - Mm. 788 00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:09,438 What is it? 789 00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,815 It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter. 790 00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:13,317 I want to include a fat-free recipe 791 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,444 - in my newsletter tomorrow. - Mmm. 792 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,862 'Cause my Little Debbies are gonna need 793 00:28:16,945 --> 00:28:18,572 all the energy they can get. 794 00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,158 Absolutely. 795 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:22,409 I was gonna say get out of my head 796 00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:24,912 because when he-- when he took the OLSAT-- 797 00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:33,337 Katie's remains were never recovered from that creek. 798 00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:35,130 Atticus! 799 00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,882 Put your shoes on, honey! We're late! 800 00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:38,008 This episode of "Murder My Stupid Ass Please" 801 00:28:38,091 --> 00:28:39,927 is sponsored by Deb for MSG. 802 00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:42,012 Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition. 803 00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:43,513 Amanda? 804 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:53,357 Oh, good. This is all for you. 805 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,608 What? 806 00:28:56,902 --> 00:28:58,362 Oh, my God, they found my home address. 807 00:28:58,445 --> 00:28:59,821 Oh, my God. 808 00:28:59,905 --> 00:29:01,615 No, I--I don't want anything to do with this. 809 00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:03,492 Return to sender! 810 00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:05,827 Except for the Old Navy. 811 00:29:05,911 --> 00:29:07,162 I got three other bags. 812 00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:08,956 I am being stalked and harassed! 813 00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:11,124 Return to sender, gracias! 814 00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:21,468 Hello? 815 00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:24,012 Who's there? 816 00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:27,307 Deb for MSG! 817 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:29,268 - There she is! - Get her! 818 00:29:29,351 --> 00:29:30,769 Deb for MSG! 819 00:29:30,852 --> 00:29:32,104 Out of my way! 820 00:29:32,187 --> 00:29:34,022 Out of my way! 821 00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:36,316 Bitch! 822 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,567 Deb for MSG! 823 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,278 I understand many of you 824 00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:41,321 have been waiting for me to speak on this. 825 00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:42,614 So hear me now. 826 00:29:42,698 --> 00:29:45,909 I am not a lizard. 827 00:29:45,993 --> 00:29:48,620 And I know that is something a lizard would say. 828 00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:50,289 However-- 829 00:29:50,372 --> 00:29:51,581 That was really, really believable, though. 830 00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:52,958 - Yeah? Thanks. - Yeah. 831 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:54,084 - Loved it. - Hello? 832 00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:57,045 The harassment has got to stop. 833 00:29:57,129 --> 00:29:59,464 Still don't think it's a good idea, 834 00:29:59,548 --> 00:30:01,717 but I'm giving you a date at the Garden. 835 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,051 Oh--oh, OK. 836 00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:04,761 Wow. That--that's fantastic. 837 00:30:04,845 --> 00:30:06,054 Yeah, great. 838 00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:07,014 Thanks, Amanda. 839 00:30:07,097 --> 00:30:08,432 We'll talk real soon. 840 00:30:11,268 --> 00:30:12,561 We're going to MSG. 841 00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:14,146 Yes! 842 00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:15,355 When? 843 00:30:15,439 --> 00:30:16,648 September 11. 844 00:30:16,732 --> 00:30:17,983 9/11? 845 00:30:18,066 --> 00:30:19,526 It was the only date available. 846 00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:21,320 Great! 847 00:30:21,403 --> 00:30:24,114 Here we go! Ow, that hurt! 848 00:30:24,197 --> 00:30:26,116 God, it's like high-fiving the Hulk! 849 00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,909 You're--