1 00:00:03,630 --> 00:00:08,510 Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you. 2 00:00:09,150 --> 00:00:14,170 With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a 3 00:00:14,170 --> 00:00:20,470 hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches and jokes on anew with us about you and 4 00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:26,110 Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain 5 00:00:26,830 --> 00:00:31,990 B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you. 6 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:46,260 Oh, meet the gang, because the boys are here. The boys to 7 00:00:46,260 --> 00:00:48,200 entertain you. 8 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:06,620 Why are you cleaning Sergeant Major's boot? That is not your 9 00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:09,500 job. You're a top -hold bearer to the concert party. 10 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,480 Oh, I'm well aware of that, my good fellow. 11 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,960 But Sergeant Major South Bearer Patel has gone to the cinema. 12 00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:16,900 Oh? What flick they're showing? 13 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,200 Very powerful story. 14 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,140 All about a beautiful young prince who go riding on beautiful white horse. 15 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:27,480 And he meet a beautiful young princess and he fall in love with her. But she 16 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:28,480 fall in love with him. 17 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:30,720 So he ride away into sunset. 18 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,660 He run for five hours. 19 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,200 With his packet, with ecstasy and enchantment. 20 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,560 I'm reading all about it in the newspaper. 21 00:01:38,780 --> 00:01:39,219 What's that? 22 00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:42,940 I'm also reading that General Montgomery has reached Berlin. 23 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,600 Perhaps the war will be over in a very soon time. Oh, my gosh, this is tough 24 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,460 news. He's a wonderful man, this Montgomery Tarp. 25 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,680 With him leading us, we British are bound to win war. 26 00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:59,240 But it also says when the war is over, the British will leave India and the 27 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,920 Congress Party will take over. 28 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,160 Oh, what time is that? 29 00:02:02,430 --> 00:02:04,010 They are troublemakers, this hungry party. 30 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,690 They are nothing but one big damn bunch of coolies. 31 00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:10,090 If we British leave India, it will be disaster. 32 00:02:10,729 --> 00:02:12,290 What will happen to you natives, eh? 33 00:02:12,490 --> 00:02:13,670 How will you earn your living? 34 00:02:13,970 --> 00:02:15,170 Who will you sell your Tito? 35 00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:16,870 Huh? Indian troops? 36 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,130 No, they will not drink that muck. 37 00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:27,410 If British leave, I shall also go home. There is no place for me here. 38 00:02:28,170 --> 00:02:31,890 I'm not going to be ordered about by a damn bunch of coolies telling me what to 39 00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:32,890 do. 40 00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:37,050 I think perhaps I will also go to England. 41 00:02:37,310 --> 00:02:38,310 Why not? 42 00:02:38,510 --> 00:02:41,690 You could set up a chawala in Piccadilly Circus. 43 00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:47,890 I have seen postcards of it, and there is not one single chawala in sight. 44 00:02:48,790 --> 00:02:52,890 You could do jolly well. Oh, that is jolly good. But what will you do in 45 00:02:52,890 --> 00:02:56,410 England? I shall set up one stall outside Buckingham Palace. 46 00:02:57,230 --> 00:03:01,510 I have seen one postcard of that, and there is not one single stall there. 47 00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:05,030 I say to myself, where do royal family buy their goods? 48 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:06,770 Perhaps they will buy it from me. 49 00:03:07,190 --> 00:03:08,710 Then I will be by appointment. 50 00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:11,530 My gosh, we could both be jolly big success. 51 00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:15,170 I'm telling you, it is ill wind that blows up nobody's creek. 52 00:03:16,770 --> 00:03:18,590 Will you take your wife with you? 53 00:03:18,830 --> 00:03:23,650 Oh, of course not. I will do what other sobs do. One over there, one over here. 54 00:03:25,310 --> 00:03:29,890 Like the sergeant's wife's baby there. It is not the same one that I sometimes 55 00:03:29,890 --> 00:03:33,570 see him with in the bazaar. The one in the bazaar is much darker. 56 00:03:33,970 --> 00:03:35,830 Ah, this must be his bloody one. 57 00:03:36,070 --> 00:03:38,230 Oh, what beautiful English flower, huh? 58 00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:42,670 Oh, I must go, Ranji. Duty is calling. 59 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,430 Salaam. Salaam, Mohammed. 60 00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:51,990 Come on, Mohammed. 61 00:03:52,370 --> 00:03:53,370 Jello, jello. 62 00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:55,360 I'm coming very innocently. 63 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:56,860 Very guilty, sir. 64 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:04,800 I'll give you a tea, hot like hellfire. 65 00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:09,060 You know, I think we've made a jolly good job of this, chaps. 66 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:10,820 Royal Artillery Depot. 67 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,800 It looks awfully neat, doesn't it? We shouldn't be doing this at all. 68 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,340 We have a concert party. 69 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,500 Old Sergeant Major Shutup must be mad. He is mad. He's been out here too long. 70 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,100 He's got the doolally tap. 71 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,060 Does everybody that's been stationed out here in Dulally for a long time get the 72 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:37,060 Dulally tap? 73 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,700 Pretty well, everyone, yeah. 74 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,200 I don't think my mother's going to like that. 75 00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:45,260 You know, when I get back home to Glasgow and she finds I'm stark, brave 76 00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:47,240 mad, I shouldn't think she'll notice. 77 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,560 Right. Now, listen, Gloria. 78 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,840 If I listen... When the curtain rises... Yes. 79 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,700 You are standing at the top of this staircase, dressed as... Tell me, tell 80 00:04:58,900 --> 00:04:59,879 Ginger Rogers. 81 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,680 Oh, sorry. What sort of a staircase? 82 00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:04,780 Oh, it's a great tall one with lots and lots of steps leading right up into the 83 00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:07,860 clouds. Oh, how high is it going to be? Depends how many beer boxes we can get. 84 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:09,940 From the top, OK? 85 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,800 Remember, on the night, I'll be wearing the blue dress. 86 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:16,540 Hang on. What is it, Lottie? They're still at it. Old Sergeant Major 87 00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:17,600 making them white in the stones. 88 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,980 Oh, white what? Oh, it's a separate white what. 89 00:05:20,260 --> 00:05:21,820 What was the stones? What was the steps? 90 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,200 What was the flag posts? 91 00:05:23,930 --> 00:05:25,870 So what if he doesn't make us go out and whitewash the Indians? 92 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:27,790 Well, that enough. 93 00:05:28,150 --> 00:05:29,610 I'm resigning from the concert party. 94 00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:32,290 Do you want to get posted back to the jungle? 95 00:05:32,630 --> 00:05:33,810 Well, at least they won't be whitewashed. 96 00:05:34,110 --> 00:05:37,330 Listen, sunshine, the only thing that keeps us here is the fact that we're in 97 00:05:37,330 --> 00:05:39,950 the concert party and the colonel thinks it's good for morale. 98 00:05:40,490 --> 00:05:43,870 So it's either the sergeant major and his whitewash brush or the Japanese and 99 00:05:43,870 --> 00:05:44,870 the samurai swords. 100 00:05:44,890 --> 00:05:45,890 Take your choice. 101 00:05:46,210 --> 00:05:47,430 I'll stick to the whitewash brush. 102 00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:49,870 It's got a blunt end. Right, we're going to get it from the stairs. 103 00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:51,110 Now, loft it. 104 00:05:51,370 --> 00:05:52,450 We'll start from the top, OK? 105 00:05:53,340 --> 00:05:57,180 Remember, on the night. The blue dress, yeah. I'm coming on now. 106 00:05:57,740 --> 00:05:59,680 I'll pose at the top of the theatre for some applause. 107 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:02,440 Yeah, not too long, though. Night and day. 108 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,120 Blimey, what's happened? 109 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,000 I've been posted. I've just drawn my jungle greens. 110 00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:13,380 What's up? He's drawn our jungle equipment and he's kitted out from tops 111 00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:14,700 bottoms. Where are you going? 112 00:06:15,220 --> 00:06:16,220 Tomorrow afternoon. 113 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,240 A place called Athan. Oh, good. 114 00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:19,780 Eight -week jungle training. 115 00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:24,090 Sir, for goodness sake, please say something to cheer him up, because he's 116 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:24,869 very sad. 117 00:06:24,870 --> 00:06:25,870 Yeah. 118 00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:29,210 Look, don't worry, sunshine, it's not as bad as all that. 119 00:06:29,750 --> 00:06:31,130 What's it like up in the jungle? 120 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:32,390 Oh, it's horrible. 121 00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,330 Oh, snakes and creepy crawly things. 122 00:06:34,550 --> 00:06:35,710 Yeah. Oh, well done. 123 00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:39,550 Now, look, it's not all that bad. Just remember to tuck in your mosquito net at 124 00:06:39,550 --> 00:06:41,270 night and you'll be fine. He's right, sir. 125 00:06:41,470 --> 00:06:43,210 It is really quite jolly in jungle. 126 00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:47,100 All the same, I'd much prefer to stay here with you lot. We'd like to have 127 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,080 son, but we can't. I mean, we're all artists, you see. And I'm sorry, but 128 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,080 not. Oh, no. 129 00:06:52,660 --> 00:06:55,120 I've got two left feet and I can't even sing in tune. 130 00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,380 Anyhow, I must say, I think you're a nice crowd of fellas. 131 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,280 You're sort of different. Not like normal blokes. 132 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,480 And joking and having fun. 133 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,400 I've really enjoyed myself here. 134 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,240 I'm going to miss you a lot. 135 00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:13,780 I think you're a smashing crowd. I really do. 136 00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:16,140 Smashing crowd? 137 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,540 Come on, fellas. Let's get back to work. 138 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:22,320 Now, we'll take you from the top, Loxley, OK? 139 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,320 You can sing without a pianist, can't you? He's a nice chap. Couldn't we let 140 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,320 stay? 141 00:07:26,540 --> 00:07:28,140 Do me a favour, will you? It's not up to me. 142 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,280 Come on, from the top. Nice and easy. A dove. 143 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,100 That's my mum. 144 00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,660 Nice, isn't she? Oh, yes, dove. 145 00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:36,460 Oh, no, dove. 146 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,600 Oh, my godfathers. 147 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:38,900 What's the matter? 148 00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:42,330 Nothing, sir. I was just struck dumb by her beauty. 149 00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,090 Yeah, she's lovely. 150 00:07:46,810 --> 00:07:47,910 Go to hell, sir! 151 00:07:48,730 --> 00:07:52,850 Solomon, sir, wants to know how long you are because he wants you to go to play 152 00:07:52,850 --> 00:07:53,850 piano for rehearsals. 153 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:56,990 Oh, my gosh, what beautiful sight. 154 00:07:57,650 --> 00:08:01,050 Royal artillery depot in gleaming white stones. 155 00:08:01,570 --> 00:08:05,990 And Union Jack with blue sky behind. It is making me proud to be British. 156 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:10,020 God is in his heaven and all is right with world. 157 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:11,740 What the hell's going on? 158 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:16,880 Not you, not you. You. 159 00:08:22,740 --> 00:08:24,440 What do you think you're doing, lovely boys? 160 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,080 Standing around here drinking tea? 161 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:35,039 Why aren't you wiping them stones? 162 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,559 Well, we'd almost finished, Sergeant Major, so we thought we'd take a short 163 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,559 break. 164 00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:41,600 Well, it's very hot, Sergeant Major. 165 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:43,520 It's very hot, Sergeant Major. 166 00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:46,140 Especially for the time they use you. 167 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,760 You'll be a ruddy side -order by the time I finish with you. 168 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:52,600 Thunder Ice! 169 00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:54,020 Damn show! 170 00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:58,320 Thunder Ice! Damn show! Thunder Ice! Damn show! Thunder Ice! Damn show! 171 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:00,920 Thunder Ice! 172 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:02,980 Stand easy. 173 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:05,880 That's better. 174 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:07,560 Right, lovely boys. 175 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,720 Let's have a look at your handiwork. 176 00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:11,580 Ooh. 177 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,180 Ooh. Very good, fair play. 178 00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:16,160 Very artistic of you. 179 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,080 Wait a minute. 180 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,040 Colonel Graham. 181 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:22,360 Sir? Come here. 182 00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:26,460 Sergeant Major. 183 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:27,600 University education. 184 00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,380 Yes. Yes, that's quite right, Sergeant Major. 185 00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:31,660 How do you spell artillery? 186 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,400 A -R -T -I -L -L -E -R -Y. 187 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:38,700 You don't. 188 00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:44,200 He spells it A -R -T -A -R -T, I -L -L -L, A -R -Y -A -R -E. 189 00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:48,740 It's not A -R -T -L -A -R -E. 190 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:50,680 It's A -R -T -L -A -R -E. 191 00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:52,740 A -R -Y -A -R -E. 192 00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,860 And he spells A -R -E -A -R -Y. 193 00:09:56,780 --> 00:09:59,200 I've been in this regiment 22 years, and I ought to know. 194 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:03,310 Well, you probably haven't seen it written out in full very often, Sergeant 195 00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:06,150 Major. Well, it's usually just the initials, R .A. 196 00:10:06,950 --> 00:10:12,110 You trying to make out I'm ignorant, lovely boy? No, sir. Shut up! He must be 197 00:10:12,110 --> 00:10:15,870 right, because he is a highly educated man, and he has been to Oxford, 198 00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:17,790 Cambridge, and God knows where. 199 00:10:19,430 --> 00:10:21,190 Only Oxford, actually. Shut up! 200 00:10:21,890 --> 00:10:25,730 Now change that E to an A. But it's right, Sergeant Major, I promise you. 201 00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:27,410 Honestly, I think perhaps... 202 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,580 You should have only one L, Sergeant Wazir Sahib. 203 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,520 How would you know? 204 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,100 But he's also not lacking in learning. He goes to night school two afternoons a 205 00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,100 week. 206 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:42,920 What are you whispering? 207 00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:47,300 If you had a small problem with me, you would have asked me. 208 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:51,600 A -R -T -I -L -L -E -R -Y 209 00:11:19,229 --> 00:11:20,810 Don't be such clever dickies. 210 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,040 ask you something of great discreetfulness. 211 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,180 I have here one photograph, and it is very odd and strange. 212 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:39,920 It is of a woman's heart, and I do not understand it, and I want your honour to 213 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,340 explain it to me, because I am very puzzled by it. 214 00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:43,580 How dare you? 215 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,500 Depot orders clearly state that camp personnel will not deal in obscure 216 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,300 photographs. Now get out of the way! Out of the way! 217 00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:01,270 Let me see. 218 00:12:01,450 --> 00:12:02,530 Art. Art. 219 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,350 Can I help you, sir? No, you can't. 220 00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:07,370 Here it is. 221 00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:11,890 Artillery. A -R -T -I -L -L -E. 222 00:12:16,090 --> 00:12:18,250 Must be a misprint. 223 00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:21,830 Permit me, Sergeant Major Thup. 224 00:12:22,790 --> 00:12:27,310 Oxford English Dictionary printed in India by Lahore Press. 225 00:12:28,210 --> 00:12:29,210 What do you expect? 226 00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:31,070 Printed? by a lot of tarts. 227 00:12:31,670 --> 00:12:32,670 Shut up! 228 00:12:33,650 --> 00:12:35,010 I don't want any more arguments. 229 00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:39,650 Any second! 230 00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:43,390 Come here. 231 00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:46,490 Yes, 232 00:12:49,590 --> 00:12:50,590 Sergeant Major. 233 00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:54,730 What are you on, Boyle? 234 00:12:54,970 --> 00:12:56,330 I'm rehearsing, Sergeant Major. 235 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,070 No, you're not my answer. 236 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:00,860 You whitening stones. 237 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,740 Now pick up a brush and get on with it. 238 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:05,340 And the rest of you. 239 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,920 We've already given them one coat of whitewash, Sergeant Major. 240 00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,260 Well, give them another coat, then. 241 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:11,780 And then another coat. 242 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,740 I want them stones so white I dare not look at them because they will dazzle my 243 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:16,740 eyes! 244 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,400 Carry on! 245 00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:21,740 Come on, lads. 246 00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:23,200 Let's whiten the stones. 247 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:24,900 Scott, Scott, shut up! 248 00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,280 Tell him. Carry on, Ashwood. 249 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:31,800 Carry on what, sir? 250 00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:33,200 Just carry on. 251 00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:35,900 Carry on, chaps. Thank you very much. 252 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,000 All right, fellas, all right. Don't worry, I'll soon have you off that. 253 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,940 Better hurry up, Sully. We're getting cooked to a frazzle out here. You all 254 00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:45,420 right? Randy? Stop. Come here, son. 255 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,560 Look, I want you to knock at the door and ask the captain's side if we can see 256 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:50,560 the colonel's side. 257 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,800 Well, Sergeant Major Todd will have my guts forgotten. 258 00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:54,470 He was stretched in jolly hard. 259 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:58,030 He's not there, is he? You saw him go off. Now, look, just knock on the door 260 00:13:58,030 --> 00:13:59,950 ask the captain's side if we can see the colonel's side. 261 00:14:04,750 --> 00:14:05,750 Come in. 262 00:14:06,850 --> 00:14:07,850 Oh, blimey. 263 00:14:09,170 --> 00:14:10,830 I don't want to see you, sir. 264 00:14:11,330 --> 00:14:12,289 Have you said? 265 00:14:12,290 --> 00:14:15,090 Oh, Krishna, please let ground open and swallow me up. 266 00:14:16,670 --> 00:14:17,670 One minute, sir. 267 00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:20,310 There are two sirs waiting outside to come inside. 268 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,000 To see Colonel Saab to prostrate themselves, isn't it? 269 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,300 Four Saabs have arrived. 270 00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:26,980 Solomon Saab and Bowman Saab. 271 00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:31,320 I'll soon sort them out, sir. Wait a minute, Saab madam. Better find out what 272 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,620 they want. Wheel them in, will you? 273 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,620 Get out, get out, get out! Johnny, Johnny! 274 00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:02,020 Oh! 275 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,940 If I may be allowed to say so, sir, I do like that jacket you're wearing. 276 00:15:06,220 --> 00:15:07,199 Oh, do you really? 277 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,000 It's just something the Dursley knocked up for nothing special. Oh, I realise 278 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,640 that, but the way you wear it, that's important. 279 00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:14,840 I mean, you've got to have the figure to wear clothes, and you have got that 280 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,380 figure, hasn't he? 281 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,560 Oh, yes, of course, yes. It fits beautifully on the Colonel's shoulders. 282 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,520 Bleeding crawlers. 283 00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:24,680 Well, how's the show going? 284 00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:26,380 Oh, we're putting in a new number, sir. 285 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,780 Yes, it's called A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody. 286 00:15:28,980 --> 00:15:32,380 Yeah. All the blokes come down the stairs dressed as your favourite film 287 00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:37,020 What films, sir? Oh, Rita Hayworth, Betty Grable, Jane Russell, Esther 288 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,760 Ginger Rogers. 289 00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:41,100 You mean they're all dressed up as girls? 290 00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:42,740 That's right, sir. 291 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:44,420 Disgusting. 292 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,060 Of course, I'm Ginger Rogers, sir. 293 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,020 Why, if you were Ginger Rogers in the top hat number in the last show, do you 294 00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:51,140 remember, Ashford? Oh, yes. 295 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,860 He's rather good at being Ginger. 296 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,080 A preferred class? 297 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,800 Where are you putting the new number in the show? 298 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,620 Oh, not for a long time yet, because the concert party's always on for tea, sir. 299 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,020 What are they on now, Sergeant Major? 300 00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:07,800 My God, I'm whitening stones, sir. I think we can let them off. They must be 301 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,799 white enough by now. 302 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:09,960 Stones, I mean, not the men. 303 00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:11,900 They must be pretty red under the sun. 304 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,500 Very good, sir. Very witty. 305 00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:16,380 All right, business. 306 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,600 Change out! 307 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:20,880 Salute! 308 00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:39,700 getting Colonel, sir. 309 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:40,760 Looks lovely on you. 310 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,100 I'm surprised he didn't go down on your hands and knees and lick his boots while 311 00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:45,779 he was at it. 312 00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:47,880 What a good idea. Let's go back and tell him to do it. Shut up! 313 00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:52,500 You think you are so smart, don't you, lovely boys? 314 00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:55,200 Because you've got the Colonel to protect you. 315 00:16:56,060 --> 00:17:00,400 But if anything should happen to him, go thick on leave. 316 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:05,480 I'll have you posted back up that jungle so fast your feet won't touch the 317 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,480 ground! 318 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:14,920 Of the king, my lad. Who been, my lad. Who are seen, my lad. 319 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:20,920 Top. 320 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,300 What do you want, Bertha? 321 00:17:26,020 --> 00:17:30,720 Mr. Top, I must ask you something of great urgentness. I have such a weight 322 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:31,780 my mind, I cannot sleep. 323 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,460 Have you got some baby into trouble? 324 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,240 Mr. Top, nothing like that. 325 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:41,350 But I must ask you one question at risk of incurring your terrible wrath. But 326 00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:45,470 the beautiful lady in the photograph, is she one saint, sir? 327 00:17:46,350 --> 00:17:47,209 A what? 328 00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:48,490 Is she a saint? 329 00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:50,990 Oh, yes. 330 00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:53,450 She is a saint. 331 00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:56,350 She's the only woman I ever loved. 332 00:17:57,450 --> 00:17:59,050 I haven't seen her for 20 years. 333 00:17:59,490 --> 00:18:02,190 How dare you? What the hell's it got to do with you? Oh, sir, please, sir, 334 00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:04,410 please see my shirt. They're all strangling me. 335 00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:23,960 His mother? 336 00:18:29,740 --> 00:18:33,240 Parkins? Parkins? 337 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:48,880 Parkins, Parkins. 338 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,260 Name of mother? 339 00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:55,660 Edith. 340 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,100 When was he born? 341 00:18:58,660 --> 00:18:59,660 Colt. 342 00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:00,860 Colt Chester. 343 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,940 October the 2nd, 1925. 344 00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:08,280 October, September, August, July. 345 00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:12,980 January. 346 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,220 It's the New Year's Eve dance. 347 00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:20,260 Oh, glory be. 348 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,560 What happened after Bartholomew? 349 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:27,700 Two days later, I was posted overseas, and I got a letter saying she'd married 350 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:28,700 this bloke. 351 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:30,420 I never saw her again. 352 00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:34,520 Oh, Sergeant Midgetov, it is wise water buffalo that knows his own sport. 353 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,240 My little boy. 354 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,820 You're in doolally. 355 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:45,960 Bearer. If you breathe a word of this to anybody, I'll screw your head off. 356 00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,960 Sergeant Major, sir, don't speak to me as if I were some damn native. 357 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:53,520 I'm really gentleman as you are, and I know the court. 358 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,600 One must never mention a lady's name who is in a mess. 359 00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:00,340 Your secret is safe with me, sir. 360 00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:01,620 Totally, honestly. 361 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,500 My son, you're in India. 362 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,120 I'm sending him up the jungle tomorrow. 363 00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:12,540 But can you not get him taken out of the draft, Sergeant Major, sir? 364 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:13,980 Of course I can't. 365 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,060 The colonel would want to know the reason why. 366 00:20:16,620 --> 00:20:19,160 I'd have to have a reason for stopping his posting. 367 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,900 Get him a job on the camp that's important to the colonel. 368 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,440 What's important to the colonel? What does he like best? 369 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:30,560 That nice, round, soft lady who runs WVS, Mrs. Waddle of Heaven. 370 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,640 Shut up. 371 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,620 Oh, a thousand apologies, Sergeant Major Sarp. I have broken British code of 372 00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,660 honor and I have mentioned lady's name who is in a mess. 373 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,500 How can I be punished? Oh, may my chepattis turn to dust. 374 00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:46,960 Shut up, will you? I'm trying to think. 375 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,340 There must be a way of stopping parties getting posted. 376 00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:52,980 I got it, Sergeant Major Sarp. What? 377 00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:54,559 Concert party. 378 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,020 What? Concert party. 379 00:20:56,570 --> 00:21:00,590 You know how Colonel Saab likes a concert party. You could put Parkinson 380 00:21:00,670 --> 00:21:02,850 and that would prevent him from getting posted. 381 00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:04,850 Don't be absurd. 382 00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:07,130 Parkinson can't sing. 383 00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:10,330 Can't dance. 384 00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:13,130 Can't do anything. 385 00:21:13,490 --> 00:21:14,890 Listen to this, Sergeant Major Saab. 386 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:16,750 Are you in the box? 387 00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:18,190 Yes, I'm in the box. 388 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:21,190 Do you want to come out? Yes, I want to come out. 389 00:21:22,070 --> 00:21:23,370 Are you going to be good boy? 390 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:24,800 Yes, I'm going to be a good guy. 391 00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:32,720 You've gone mad, Bearer. 392 00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:37,280 Sergeant Major Sharp, don't you remember the little soldier that Smith Saab used 393 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,660 to put on his knee and talk to? 394 00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:41,560 Oh, you mean the ventriloquist dummy? Gee, Saab. 395 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,760 Gunner Smith Saab left it behind when he went home to Blighty. 396 00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:47,180 And it is now in the theater in a suitcase. 397 00:21:47,660 --> 00:21:50,360 And there are some papers with it with funny words on. 398 00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:54,160 Gunner Parkins could put the little fellow on his knee. 399 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,320 I don't know. 400 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,460 Still, I suppose it's worth a try. Right, now listen. 401 00:21:59,820 --> 00:22:01,320 Go and get the dummy. 402 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:06,900 Wake Parkins up and bring him here. Hey, and don't wake anybody else up. Creep 403 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:10,340 in. Oh, don't worry, Sergeant Major Saab. No bigger creeper than me. 404 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,200 I still don't understand, Sergeant Major, why you got me out of bed in the 405 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,200 middle of the night. 406 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,560 You were going to be a ventriloquist, lovely boy. 407 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:26,840 You'd like that, wouldn't you? 408 00:22:27,820 --> 00:22:30,020 I don't know anything about being a ventriloquist. 409 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,620 Listen, Gunner, if I say you're going to be a ventriloquist, you are going to be 410 00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:35,780 a ventriloquist. Now, shut up! 411 00:22:37,380 --> 00:22:40,180 Right, Bearer, show him how to be a ventriloquist. I'll shut up. 412 00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:42,740 Stand up straight, boy. 413 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:44,440 Shoulders back. 414 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,720 Fine pair of shoulders you've got there, show them off. 415 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:52,070 Madam Minister, would you mind holding the little fellow for a moment while I 416 00:22:52,070 --> 00:22:53,410 put on my spectacles? 417 00:22:53,770 --> 00:22:55,990 So that I can see the funny words. 418 00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:58,710 Yes, 419 00:23:01,050 --> 00:23:04,130 I'm ready, sir, Madam Minister. Well, get on with it. Now, pay attention, 420 00:23:04,210 --> 00:23:05,470 Gunner. Yes, Dr. Major. 421 00:23:09,150 --> 00:23:12,350 Good morning, Tommy. 422 00:23:12,570 --> 00:23:13,590 How are you? 423 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,360 I'm all right. How did you win that medal? 424 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,120 I saved the regiment. 425 00:23:21,580 --> 00:23:26,660 Oh, you saved the regiment? How did you do that? I shot the cook. 426 00:23:33,220 --> 00:23:35,320 Yes, well, there you are, Gunner. 427 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,540 Nothing to it. Now you can have a go. 428 00:23:38,060 --> 00:23:39,060 Now pay attention. 429 00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:43,800 You grasp the pole at the base of the dummy's head firmly with the operational 430 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:44,800 arm. 431 00:23:45,260 --> 00:23:48,840 rotate the head in a clockwise or anti -clockwise direction as required. 432 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:53,260 At the same time, work in the lips by moving the lever up and down with the 433 00:23:53,260 --> 00:23:54,260 extended thumb. 434 00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:55,820 Got that? 435 00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:57,340 I think so, Sergeant Major. 436 00:23:57,700 --> 00:23:58,860 Right. Sit down over there. 437 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,000 You have a go. 438 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,160 Just a minute now. 439 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:07,840 Sit that dummy up straight. 440 00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:09,140 He's slumming in. 441 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:11,900 I won't have a slumming in dummy. 442 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,320 Supposed to be a soldier. 443 00:24:20,530 --> 00:24:23,010 Good morning, Tommy, and how are you? Good, good. 444 00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:26,450 I'm all right, sir, and how are you? You got it wrong. 445 00:24:31,450 --> 00:24:33,010 The dummy's lips move, not yours. 446 00:24:34,450 --> 00:24:35,450 Again. 447 00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:39,030 Good morning, Tommy, and how are you? Good. 448 00:24:39,490 --> 00:24:41,250 I'm all right, sir, and how are you? As you were. 449 00:24:42,070 --> 00:24:44,070 Your lips are moving. I will not have your lips moving. 450 00:24:44,470 --> 00:24:45,830 But I can't stop them moving. 451 00:24:48,270 --> 00:24:50,710 I say your lips won't move, they won't move. Now, that's an order. 452 00:24:51,770 --> 00:24:54,150 But I don't want to be a ventriloquist. 453 00:24:56,390 --> 00:24:58,130 I say you're going to be a ventriloquist. 454 00:24:58,690 --> 00:25:01,450 You are going to be a ventriloquist if we have to stay here all night. 455 00:25:01,690 --> 00:25:03,530 Now, start again and sit that dummy up straight. 456 00:25:05,070 --> 00:25:06,650 Good morning, Tommy, and how are you? 457 00:25:07,310 --> 00:25:08,850 I'm all right, sir, and how are you? 458 00:25:09,890 --> 00:25:12,290 Again. Good morning, Tommy, and how are you? 459 00:25:41,950 --> 00:25:45,150 I've never heard anything like it in my life. 460 00:25:45,550 --> 00:25:47,190 It's like flipping out into a night in Dixie. 461 00:25:47,750 --> 00:25:48,750 I was telling you wrong. 462 00:25:49,170 --> 00:25:50,570 I ain't half nervous, surely. 463 00:25:50,790 --> 00:25:52,430 There's no time for that. Get your chair and get behind the curtain. 464 00:26:14,169 --> 00:26:15,450 And now, 465 00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:22,230 fellas, for the first time on any stage, we present for you Gunner Parkins and 466 00:26:22,230 --> 00:26:24,550 his little friend, Gunner Tommy! 467 00:26:24,870 --> 00:26:25,870 Take it away, Gunner! 468 00:26:29,470 --> 00:26:32,120 And remember... Do not move lips. 469 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:33,320 Oh, it's all right. 470 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,040 Look! 471 00:26:53,280 --> 00:27:00,120 I can't get the head back on, 472 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,160 Solly. 473 00:27:29,389 --> 00:27:34,130 I have some wonderful news. 474 00:27:35,290 --> 00:27:40,150 I have just received this signal that the Germans have... 475 00:28:25,290 --> 00:28:26,330 the rest of you pansies. 476 00:28:27,550 --> 00:28:31,270 Them Germans may have surrendered, but we still got them Japanese to deal with. 477 00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:34,730 We're going to fight them, fight them, and beat them. 478 00:28:35,870 --> 00:28:38,950 We'll teach them to lay their dirty yellow hands on our lovely empire. 479 00:28:40,090 --> 00:28:46,850 It wasn't me, Sergeant Major, sir. It was him. 480 00:28:46,970 --> 00:28:48,330 Shut up, naughty boy. 481 00:29:31,380 --> 00:29:35,760 The boys are here, the boys to entertain you.