1
00:03:54,945 --> 00:04:00,784
"Here, of course, it is the same,
apparently, without rational explanation.
2
00:04:00,909 --> 00:04:05,455
"But it's quite easy, when you
come to think of it logically, in fact.
3
00:04:05,664 --> 00:04:09,793
"Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
4
00:04:09,918 --> 00:04:13,379
"In fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
5
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,005
"on the night in question
6
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:18,551
"and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
7
00:04:18,676 --> 00:04:22,096
"disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
8
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:26,684
"making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
9
00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:29,895
"From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
10
00:04:30,897 --> 00:04:32,941
"Knowing it was Burton's day off,
11
00:04:33,066 --> 00:04:36,069
"he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
12
00:04:36,194 --> 00:04:39,656
"and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
13
00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:42,450
"which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
14
00:04:42,576 --> 00:04:43,827
"by the scullery window.
15
00:04:43,994 --> 00:04:49,039
"Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
16
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:53,878
"I was worried
about those metal shavings. "
17
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:59,633
"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
18
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:05,931
"but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the Inspector, humbly,
19
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:09,643
"I wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
20
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:12,563
"to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
21
00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:17,151
"and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
22
00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:22,197
"Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled. "
23
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:35,126
St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
24
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:40,173
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
25
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,969
Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
26
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,722
from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
27
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:50,184
"The police may be baffled, Inspector,"
he boomed,
28
00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:52,645
"but Merridew is not. "
29
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:56,690
"Thirty years ago, the murderer,
Doctor Grayson,
30
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,652
"was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
31
00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:02,612
"dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
32
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:06,324
"Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
33
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,910
"yet his old skill had not deserted him.
34
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,246
"He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
35
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,665
"walking on his points
36
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,168
"along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
37
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:21,297
"and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
38
00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:23,633
"close to the base line,
where it was found,
39
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:27,428
"and then,
with a neatly executed fouetté,
40
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:31,474
"he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
41
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,185
"thus leaving no traces.
42
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:39,147
"And that, Inspector,
is Merridew's solution. "
43
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:40,524
Hello?
44
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:42,652
Are you there?
45
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,612
Mr Wyke?
46
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,115
Mr Wyke?
47
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,242
- Who's there?
- It's me, Milo Tindle.
48
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,451
I think you're expecting me.
49
00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:53,413
Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
50
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:57,459
Well, I have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
51
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,131
Here we are.
52
00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:11,056
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
I designed it myself.
53
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:14,517
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
54
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,020
I must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
55
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:20,732
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
I'm Andrew Wyke.
56
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,526
- Welcome to Cloak Manor.
- Thank you.
57
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,904
I found your note when I came down
from London this afternoon.
58
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,489
Oh, good, yes.
I hoped you'd be here this weekend,
59
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,951
so I pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
60
00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:34,412
Well, now, what will you have to drink?
61
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,998
- Vodka and tonic, please.
- Of course.
62
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,460
How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
63
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:41,586
Very well, thank you.
64
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,922
Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
65
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,049
Yes, that sort of thing.
66
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:50,510
Vodka,
I don't seem to have any out here. Is...
67
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,763
- Gin will do.
- Good.
68
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:55,140
Yes, a charming little place,
Laundry Cottage.
69
00:07:55,307 --> 00:07:57,559
IdeaI for relaxations of all kinds.
70
00:07:57,684 --> 00:08:00,520
Unfortunately,
I don't have time for them myself.
71
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:01,897
As a matter of fact,
72
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:05,192
I've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
73
00:08:05,317 --> 00:08:07,028
Death by Double-Fault.
74
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:09,864
I must say it's gone extremely well.
75
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:12,200
Now then, soda, soda, soda...
76
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:14,869
Dear.
77
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,956
I don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awfuI.
78
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,041
- Here, shall we go indoors?
- Whatever you like.
79
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,376
Good.
80
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:25,337
Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
81
00:08:25,462 --> 00:08:28,632
is the normaI recreation
of noble minds?
82
00:08:28,757 --> 00:08:31,635
I'm afraid I don't know
very much about noble minds.
83
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:32,844
Is it supposed to be?
84
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:37,015
I'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
85
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:39,810
The golden age
when every cabinet minister
86
00:08:39,935 --> 00:08:43,981
had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
87
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:47,025
- Before your time, I expect.
- Somewhat. Let me carry that.
88
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:49,820
Thank you so much. Very good of you.
89
00:08:49,945 --> 00:08:54,616
Yet, you know, even today,
I still set my works among the gentry
90
00:08:54,741 --> 00:08:57,536
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
91
00:08:57,661 --> 00:08:59,621
in spite of our classless society.
92
00:08:59,746 --> 00:09:02,039
I imagine they do a great deaI
of your stuff on television.
93
00:09:02,832 --> 00:09:08,379
God forbid, I'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not "stuff".
94
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:11,966
No,
television is not my line of country at all.
95
00:09:12,091 --> 00:09:15,678
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
96
00:09:15,803 --> 00:09:19,182
And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
97
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:22,603
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if I may so address you.
98
00:09:22,978 --> 00:09:26,398
You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
99
00:09:26,523 --> 00:09:30,736
Of course we are, and you and I
do need to be friendly, do we not?
100
00:09:52,381 --> 00:09:55,176
How would you like your drink?
With ice?
101
00:09:57,345 --> 00:09:58,596
With ice?
102
00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:01,140
Yes, please.
103
00:10:17,364 --> 00:10:18,990
What does he do?
104
00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:26,331
That's Jolly Jack Tar, the JoviaI Sailor.
105
00:10:26,498 --> 00:10:29,125
He and I
have a really splendid relationship.
106
00:10:29,251 --> 00:10:32,004
I make the jokes and he laughs at them.
107
00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:36,008
Here, mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
108
00:10:36,884 --> 00:10:38,761
- He didn't laugh.
- No, he wasn't meant to.
109
00:10:38,928 --> 00:10:41,681
- I thought you were trying to be funny.
- No, you'll know it when I am.
110
00:10:41,806 --> 00:10:42,974
I see.
111
00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:44,642
- Cheers.
- Prost.
112
00:10:49,771 --> 00:10:52,399
- What's this?
- That is an intensely complicated
113
00:10:52,524 --> 00:10:55,235
4th Dynasty blocking game,
called Simera.
114
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,154
I've been studying the thing for months,
but I'm still only a beginner.
115
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,073
I wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
116
00:11:00,198 --> 00:11:01,867
It's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
117
00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:05,787
That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
118
00:11:05,912 --> 00:11:09,708
Well, now,
I understand you want to marry my wife.
119
00:11:13,712 --> 00:11:15,213
Forgive me raising the matter,
120
00:11:15,338 --> 00:11:18,550
but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
121
00:11:18,675 --> 00:11:20,844
I thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
122
00:11:20,969 --> 00:11:23,013
to have a little chat.
123
00:11:23,138 --> 00:11:24,388
I see.
124
00:11:24,847 --> 00:11:27,224
Well, is it true?
125
00:11:29,059 --> 00:11:32,730
- Yes, with your permission, of course.
- Why not?
126
00:11:32,855 --> 00:11:36,150
You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
127
00:11:36,275 --> 00:11:39,528
neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
128
00:11:39,653 --> 00:11:42,199
I'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
129
00:11:42,365 --> 00:11:45,493
about your background, parents,
and so forth.
130
00:11:46,536 --> 00:11:50,582
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
131
00:11:50,707 --> 00:11:55,128
and my father is an Italian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
132
00:11:55,253 --> 00:11:59,340
- In the '30s? Is he Jewish?
- No, Catholic, very devout.
133
00:11:59,465 --> 00:12:00,966
Of course,
I'm not religious at all myself.
134
00:12:01,091 --> 00:12:04,011
My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
135
00:12:04,136 --> 00:12:08,057
We're all liberals here.
I have no prejudice against Catholics.
136
00:12:08,224 --> 00:12:10,100
Not even the lapsed Catholics.
137
00:12:10,226 --> 00:12:14,856
In fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
138
00:12:14,981 --> 00:12:17,609
Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
139
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:20,278
No, his name was Tindolini,
140
00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:22,697
but if you had a name like that
in those days
141
00:12:22,822 --> 00:12:25,367
you had to "make-a the ice-a cream-a".
142
00:12:26,201 --> 00:12:29,037
He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
143
00:12:29,162 --> 00:12:32,165
- so he changed it.
- Become English?
144
00:12:34,084 --> 00:12:38,087
- Was he a successfuI man?
- No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
145
00:12:39,505 --> 00:12:43,968
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
146
00:12:44,093 --> 00:12:47,471
He went broke in the end.
I always told him he would.
147
00:12:47,596 --> 00:12:51,058
That must make him
something of a burden to you.
148
00:12:51,225 --> 00:12:53,311
Yeah, it does a bit.
149
00:12:54,354 --> 00:12:56,606
He never went back, you see.
150
00:12:56,731 --> 00:12:59,401
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
151
00:12:59,526 --> 00:13:01,903
And you, what do you do?
152
00:13:03,321 --> 00:13:04,865
Don't you know?
153
00:13:07,117 --> 00:13:10,203
I have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
154
00:13:10,328 --> 00:13:11,412
Casa Tindolini.
155
00:13:11,579 --> 00:13:13,372
You can use that word these days,
can you?
156
00:13:13,497 --> 00:13:15,583
People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
157
00:13:15,708 --> 00:13:19,545
No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continentaI touch.
158
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:25,551
- English too wholesome for them, eh?
- Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
159
00:13:25,676 --> 00:13:29,597
We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
160
00:13:29,763 --> 00:13:31,599
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
161
00:13:31,724 --> 00:13:34,518
they're less sophisticated down there.
162
00:13:34,643 --> 00:13:37,396
I mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
163
00:13:37,521 --> 00:13:38,981
Latin lovers?
164
00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:45,988
And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
165
00:13:46,113 --> 00:13:49,866
I lease a mews house nearby.
It's convenient and attractive.
166
00:13:50,033 --> 00:13:51,784
It's Georgian, actually.
167
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:54,579
From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
168
00:13:54,704 --> 00:13:55,872
Not bad.
169
00:13:56,039 --> 00:14:00,251
But I doubt whether an 18th century
architecturaI gem in South Kensington
170
00:14:00,376 --> 00:14:03,379
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
171
00:14:03,504 --> 00:14:06,508
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
172
00:14:06,634 --> 00:14:10,304
I understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
173
00:14:10,429 --> 00:14:12,389
I'm not mistaken, am I?
174
00:14:14,725 --> 00:14:17,019
And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
175
00:14:17,144 --> 00:14:20,105
was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
176
00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:22,649
Is that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
177
00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:25,235
Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
178
00:14:26,444 --> 00:14:30,073
If I choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
179
00:14:30,198 --> 00:14:33,201
and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
I shall.
180
00:14:33,326 --> 00:14:36,496
And I don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
181
00:14:36,621 --> 00:14:38,540
- Thank you for the drink.
- Oh, now, now.
182
00:14:38,665 --> 00:14:40,208
I thought you were
brought up in England.
183
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:42,669
Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
184
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:45,129
You were being rude
about a woman I'm in love with.
185
00:14:45,255 --> 00:14:47,882
On the contrary,
I was reminiscing about my wife.
186
00:14:48,007 --> 00:14:50,677
- It comes to the same thing.
- Things mostly do, you know.
187
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:55,014
I'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
188
00:14:55,139 --> 00:14:56,599
and I will be being rhapsodic,
189
00:14:56,724 --> 00:14:59,268
and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
190
00:14:59,393 --> 00:15:04,523
vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
191
00:15:06,817 --> 00:15:10,529
Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
192
00:15:16,911 --> 00:15:19,455
- Afford to?
- Support her in the style
193
00:15:19,581 --> 00:15:23,793
to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
194
00:15:23,918 --> 00:15:27,505
Well, I'm not a millionaire,
but I'm not starving either.
195
00:15:27,630 --> 00:15:29,757
The shop in London's doing all right,
196
00:15:29,883 --> 00:15:32,093
the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
197
00:15:32,218 --> 00:15:34,428
- By this time next year...
- This year, next year, sometime, never.
198
00:15:34,553 --> 00:15:38,098
What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
199
00:15:38,223 --> 00:15:41,143
- We'll survive.
- SurvivaI is scarcely the point.
200
00:15:41,268 --> 00:15:43,020
Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
201
00:15:43,145 --> 00:15:46,189
you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
202
00:15:46,315 --> 00:15:48,442
Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
203
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:52,237
Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
204
00:15:52,362 --> 00:15:54,364
and only one mistress, I'm afraid.
205
00:15:54,489 --> 00:15:57,242
Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
206
00:15:57,451 --> 00:15:59,328
You know about Tea, do you?
207
00:15:59,453 --> 00:16:01,538
Marguerite and I have no secrets
from each other.
208
00:16:01,663 --> 00:16:03,749
Not even mine, it seems.
209
00:16:04,374 --> 00:16:06,585
Tea is a Grelian goddess.
210
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,545
Her golden hair smells of pine
211
00:16:08,670 --> 00:16:13,382
and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
212
00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:15,927
I hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
213
00:16:16,052 --> 00:16:18,429
with all the sex appeaI
of a second-hand jeep.
214
00:16:18,596 --> 00:16:20,556
Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
215
00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:23,226
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
216
00:16:23,351 --> 00:16:25,728
Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
217
00:16:25,853 --> 00:16:30,067
It's a good thing I am pretty much
of an Olympic sexuaI athlete.
218
00:16:30,192 --> 00:16:34,571
Yes, I suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
219
00:16:34,696 --> 00:16:36,573
than on the long distance stuff.
220
00:16:36,698 --> 00:16:39,868
Not so, dear boy,
I'm in the pink of condition.
221
00:16:39,993 --> 00:16:43,121
I could copulate for England
at any distance.
222
00:16:43,956 --> 00:16:45,290
Red.
223
00:16:46,415 --> 00:16:48,501
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
224
00:16:48,626 --> 00:16:52,463
"It's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts. "
225
00:16:52,797 --> 00:16:53,881
Are you going to marry her?
226
00:16:54,048 --> 00:16:56,842
Oh, no, no, no.
I just want to live with her.
227
00:16:56,968 --> 00:16:58,219
So, what's stopping you?
228
00:16:58,344 --> 00:17:01,514
Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
229
00:17:01,639 --> 00:17:04,016
whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
230
00:17:04,141 --> 00:17:06,018
Now, now, don't be so innocent.
231
00:17:06,143 --> 00:17:08,187
Those nicotine stained
private detectives
232
00:17:08,312 --> 00:17:11,649
have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
233
00:17:11,774 --> 00:17:13,359
It was an insurance policy
234
00:17:13,484 --> 00:17:16,404
to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
235
00:17:16,529 --> 00:17:18,614
How did you know
I wasn't having you watched?
236
00:17:18,739 --> 00:17:21,617
Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
237
00:17:21,742 --> 00:17:25,495
- Or didn't you think that was possible?
- Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
238
00:17:25,662 --> 00:17:27,372
Of course I knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
239
00:17:27,497 --> 00:17:29,332
rutting away like crazed weasels,
240
00:17:29,457 --> 00:17:32,168
but why should I pay good money
to have something confirmed
241
00:17:32,294 --> 00:17:34,421
which I'd known for months?
242
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,006
Black.
243
00:17:36,131 --> 00:17:38,925
And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
244
00:17:39,050 --> 00:17:40,303
Of course, I had to assure myself
245
00:17:40,428 --> 00:17:42,972
that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
246
00:17:43,139 --> 00:17:46,059
You see,
I want to lose the dear girI for life.
247
00:17:46,184 --> 00:17:51,940
Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
248
00:17:55,402 --> 00:17:57,862
- Good shot.
- Yes, it was. Yellow.
249
00:17:58,029 --> 00:17:59,488
You see,
you don't know her as well as I do.
250
00:17:59,614 --> 00:18:01,240
You think you do, but you don't.
251
00:18:01,365 --> 00:18:04,869
If you faiI her, by which I mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
252
00:18:04,994 --> 00:18:07,371
or short-changing her on winter
in Jamaica,
253
00:18:07,538 --> 00:18:10,833
she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
254
00:18:10,958 --> 00:18:14,962
And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
255
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,216
- Green.
- Money isn't everything.
256
00:18:18,341 --> 00:18:21,469
And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
257
00:18:21,594 --> 00:18:25,973
It's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
258
00:18:28,184 --> 00:18:30,561
Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
259
00:18:30,728 --> 00:18:33,522
Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
260
00:18:33,647 --> 00:18:36,483
in these last idyllic three months?
261
00:18:37,025 --> 00:18:38,068
Blue.
262
00:18:38,193 --> 00:18:40,320
When, for instance,
did she last turn down
263
00:18:40,445 --> 00:18:44,241
a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
264
00:18:44,366 --> 00:18:47,452
the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
265
00:18:47,577 --> 00:18:48,828
Black.
266
00:18:51,707 --> 00:18:53,167
No, I'm not joking.
267
00:18:53,292 --> 00:18:56,546
How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
268
00:18:58,839 --> 00:19:03,427
And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
269
00:19:04,095 --> 00:19:08,849
We have talked about money.
Often, I've told her we spend too much.
270
00:19:08,975 --> 00:19:10,767
She takes no notice?
271
00:19:11,142 --> 00:19:12,352
None.
272
00:19:12,978 --> 00:19:16,690
A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
273
00:19:16,815 --> 00:19:18,692
Something like that.
274
00:19:19,276 --> 00:19:22,487
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that I've invited you around here tonight
275
00:19:22,612 --> 00:19:27,158
and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
276
00:19:27,826 --> 00:19:29,160
What plot?
277
00:19:37,586 --> 00:19:39,337
Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
278
00:19:39,462 --> 00:19:43,383
- I was waiting for you to miss.
- Foolish boy.
279
00:19:45,302 --> 00:19:47,678
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
280
00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:51,932
there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
281
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,893
who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
282
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:58,939
was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid totaI emasculation
283
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:02,234
his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
284
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:07,490
some £250,000, into jewellery.
285
00:20:08,116 --> 00:20:09,951
His wife, of course, was delighted.
286
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,621
Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
287
00:20:12,787 --> 00:20:16,208
Nor did I, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
288
00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:18,835
We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
289
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,504
than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
290
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:26,300
I see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
291
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:27,676
I'm glad you follow me so readily.
292
00:20:27,843 --> 00:20:30,846
You see,
I want you to steaI that jewellery.
293
00:20:38,646 --> 00:20:42,399
Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
294
00:20:42,525 --> 00:20:43,609
What about the servants?
295
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:48,072
I've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
296
00:20:48,197 --> 00:20:52,618
They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
297
00:20:58,039 --> 00:20:59,290
Cheers.
298
00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:03,086
Well, what do you say?
299
00:21:03,211 --> 00:21:06,381
- It sounds distinctly criminaI.
- Well, of course it's criminaI.
300
00:21:06,506 --> 00:21:09,717
All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
301
00:21:09,842 --> 00:21:12,220
Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
302
00:21:12,345 --> 00:21:17,017
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
303
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:20,062
Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
304
00:21:40,915 --> 00:21:47,505
A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 17... No, 18 years ago.
305
00:21:48,381 --> 00:21:50,550
I don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
306
00:21:50,675 --> 00:21:52,719
I've seen that in too many movies.
307
00:21:52,844 --> 00:21:57,557
Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
308
00:22:59,159 --> 00:23:03,455
There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, I suppose.
309
00:23:03,580 --> 00:23:07,876
- But whatever made you think?
- You and your games.
310
00:23:08,001 --> 00:23:10,671
That is the only game in this room.
311
00:23:12,506 --> 00:23:15,342
Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
312
00:23:15,467 --> 00:23:17,470
All you have to do is steaI them,
sell them abroad,
313
00:23:17,595 --> 00:23:19,764
and live happily ever after
with Marguerite.
314
00:23:19,889 --> 00:23:23,559
AII I have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
315
00:23:23,684 --> 00:23:26,186
Is that what you asked me over to hear?
316
00:23:26,311 --> 00:23:30,482
A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
317
00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:32,526
I'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
318
00:23:32,651 --> 00:23:35,404
Personally, I thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
319
00:23:35,529 --> 00:23:38,282
Look,
supposing I do as you say and nick...
320
00:23:38,407 --> 00:23:41,286
SteaI the jewels.
If I sell them under my own name,
321
00:23:41,411 --> 00:23:44,330
I'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
322
00:23:44,455 --> 00:23:47,625
If I sell them to a fence,
always presuming I could find one,
323
00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:50,545
he'd carve me up,
I'd get a fraction of their value.
324
00:23:50,670 --> 00:23:53,506
- Not with the fences I know.
- What fences would you know?
325
00:23:53,631 --> 00:23:56,592
The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigaI.
326
00:23:56,717 --> 00:23:58,677
I first met them when I was researching
327
00:23:58,802 --> 00:24:01,263
for The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
328
00:24:01,388 --> 00:24:03,390
Surely you've read it.
329
00:24:03,974 --> 00:24:06,101
Pity. It was an absolute corker.
330
00:24:06,226 --> 00:24:09,354
In any case, on your behalf,
331
00:24:09,479 --> 00:24:12,774
I have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
332
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:13,984
He'll treat you very well.
333
00:24:14,109 --> 00:24:16,403
You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
334
00:24:16,528 --> 00:24:23,410
but you'll get about two-thirds,
say, £170,000.
335
00:24:23,535 --> 00:24:25,537
You'll get it in cash.
336
00:24:26,163 --> 00:24:29,208
- A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
- Cash.
337
00:24:31,293 --> 00:24:33,127
Why should this fellow pay so much?
338
00:24:33,252 --> 00:24:36,005
Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
339
00:24:36,130 --> 00:24:38,049
title to the jewels.
340
00:24:38,174 --> 00:24:40,885
You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
341
00:24:41,010 --> 00:24:45,765
you have also to take the receipts
I got for them.
342
00:24:46,682 --> 00:24:49,560
Now, what does
my insurance company discover
343
00:24:49,685 --> 00:24:54,650
as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
344
00:24:54,775 --> 00:24:58,028
It discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
345
00:24:58,153 --> 00:25:05,369
sold the jewels for £170,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
346
00:25:06,203 --> 00:25:07,913
Hard cheese!
347
00:25:08,788 --> 00:25:11,082
Think it over. Take your time.
348
00:25:25,179 --> 00:25:30,726
Look, I know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
349
00:25:30,852 --> 00:25:35,356
I mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
350
00:25:36,274 --> 00:25:38,985
St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
351
00:25:39,110 --> 00:25:41,404
if I didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
352
00:25:41,529 --> 00:25:43,155
St John Lord who?
353
00:25:45,866 --> 00:25:48,243
- You're joking.
- What about?
354
00:25:49,452 --> 00:25:51,746
Who is St John Lord Merridew?
355
00:25:51,872 --> 00:25:53,748
Why, even Marguerite,
when I first met her,
356
00:25:53,874 --> 00:25:55,542
knew and adored him.
357
00:25:55,667 --> 00:25:59,713
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
358
00:25:59,838 --> 00:26:04,302
With a nose for smelling out eviI
superior to anything on the force.
359
00:26:04,427 --> 00:26:05,928
Oh, yes.
360
00:26:06,053 --> 00:26:09,932
The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
361
00:26:10,057 --> 00:26:11,601
They never solve anything.
362
00:26:11,726 --> 00:26:15,521
It's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
363
00:26:15,646 --> 00:26:20,192
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is reaI.
364
00:26:20,317 --> 00:26:22,569
I'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
365
00:26:22,694 --> 00:26:26,740
but I'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
366
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,784
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
367
00:26:29,910 --> 00:26:32,204
I'm not sure that I do.
368
00:26:32,329 --> 00:26:35,248
That's why it's a very difficult decision
to make.
369
00:26:35,373 --> 00:26:37,125
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
370
00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:39,794
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
371
00:26:39,961 --> 00:26:41,838
Yeah, but why don't you
steaI the bloody jewels
372
00:26:41,963 --> 00:26:43,381
and simply hand them over to me?
373
00:26:43,506 --> 00:26:47,385
I should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look reaI.
374
00:26:47,510 --> 00:26:49,846
This house has actually
to be broken into.
375
00:26:49,971 --> 00:26:52,516
Then why don't you break into it?
376
00:26:52,641 --> 00:26:55,101
It's a question of agility for one thing,
dear boy.
377
00:26:55,227 --> 00:26:57,853
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
378
00:26:57,978 --> 00:26:59,897
Let me handle this,
you know what I mean?
379
00:27:00,022 --> 00:27:04,944
Crime is my bag. I got this caper
all worked out to the last detaiI.
380
00:27:07,446 --> 00:27:11,867
£170,000.
381
00:27:13,745 --> 00:27:17,582
Cash, tax free.
382
00:27:19,125 --> 00:27:22,462
It'd take an awfuI lot
of Tindolini's tonsoriaI teasing
383
00:27:22,587 --> 00:27:24,839
to raise that kind of money.
384
00:27:25,549 --> 00:27:27,926
All right, I'll do it.
385
00:27:28,051 --> 00:27:31,054
- Where do you want me to break in?
- Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
386
00:27:31,179 --> 00:27:35,099
- You've got to get disguised first.
- What for?
387
00:27:35,224 --> 00:27:38,435
Well, suppose somebody saw you
climbing in?
388
00:27:38,561 --> 00:27:40,855
Here? In the middle of nowhere?
389
00:27:40,980 --> 00:27:43,148
I could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
390
00:27:43,274 --> 00:27:45,693
You never know.
391
00:27:46,193 --> 00:27:49,488
A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
392
00:27:49,613 --> 00:27:52,032
Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
393
00:27:52,157 --> 00:27:54,201
for the police
and the insurance company.
394
00:27:54,326 --> 00:27:57,371
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
395
00:27:57,496 --> 00:27:59,540
or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
396
00:27:59,665 --> 00:28:02,668
No, no, no! You must be disguised!
397
00:28:02,793 --> 00:28:04,461
All right, how?
398
00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:09,132
Please to follow me, number one son.
399
00:28:12,844 --> 00:28:14,762
You know, my dear Milo,
400
00:28:14,888 --> 00:28:18,016
in the good old days, before television,
that is,
401
00:28:18,141 --> 00:28:21,269
people constructed the pleasures of life
for themselves.
402
00:28:21,394 --> 00:28:23,563
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
403
00:28:23,688 --> 00:28:27,401
They didn't just sit and stare.
404
00:28:27,526 --> 00:28:29,987
Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
405
00:28:30,112 --> 00:28:33,407
without its treasure hunts, charades,
406
00:28:33,532 --> 00:28:37,536
games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
407
00:28:37,661 --> 00:28:41,498
There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
408
00:28:41,665 --> 00:28:43,374
but surely Marguerite has told you.
409
00:28:43,499 --> 00:28:45,960
Actually, she never mentioned it.
410
00:28:48,422 --> 00:28:50,466
It was all some time ago.
411
00:28:51,342 --> 00:28:56,222
A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
412
00:28:56,347 --> 00:28:59,016
The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
413
00:28:59,141 --> 00:29:03,646
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
414
00:29:04,939 --> 00:29:07,566
And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
415
00:29:07,691 --> 00:29:11,529
Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
416
00:29:11,654 --> 00:29:13,364
Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
417
00:29:13,489 --> 00:29:17,159
Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
418
00:29:17,284 --> 00:29:21,329
our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
419
00:29:21,788 --> 00:29:26,876
This should suit. Item, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
420
00:29:27,001 --> 00:29:29,712
a striped jersey
and a bag marked "swag".
421
00:29:30,588 --> 00:29:33,132
Why not a neon sign
with "burglar" on it?
422
00:29:33,341 --> 00:29:35,176
You may have a point.
423
00:29:36,135 --> 00:29:39,974
One of my favourites,
the ecclesiasticaI house breaker,
424
00:29:40,140 --> 00:29:42,226
Brother Lightfingers.
425
00:29:42,351 --> 00:29:45,020
Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
426
00:29:45,145 --> 00:29:46,939
seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
427
00:29:47,064 --> 00:29:48,315
on the night of the terrible murder.
428
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,694
If living identity had happened.
429
00:29:51,819 --> 00:29:54,780
There are those to this day
who claim to hear
430
00:29:54,905 --> 00:29:59,075
the agonised screams of the victim
431
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,495
echoing through the chimney pots!
432
00:30:02,620 --> 00:30:06,165
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
433
00:30:06,291 --> 00:30:10,086
Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
434
00:30:10,211 --> 00:30:12,046
and a sock I can pull over my head?
435
00:30:12,171 --> 00:30:17,343
Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
436
00:30:17,468 --> 00:30:20,597
We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
437
00:30:20,722 --> 00:30:23,600
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
438
00:30:23,725 --> 00:30:26,436
Don't you feeI the need
to give your old arch enemy,
439
00:30:26,561 --> 00:30:29,856
Inspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
440
00:30:31,648 --> 00:30:36,028
Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
441
00:30:36,153 --> 00:30:39,698
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
442
00:30:41,867 --> 00:30:44,411
and all the snuff you could want.
443
00:30:46,872 --> 00:30:48,832
Groovy!
444
00:30:48,958 --> 00:30:52,545
Look,
I might even do the whole thing in drag.
445
00:30:56,174 --> 00:30:58,718
Kiss me, you fooI.
446
00:30:59,802 --> 00:31:02,347
I can fight it no longer, darling.
447
00:31:02,931 --> 00:31:06,850
If you must go, don't look back,
Andrew...
448
00:31:08,143 --> 00:31:10,103
Jesus Christ! Who's that?
449
00:31:10,229 --> 00:31:13,232
So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girI.
450
00:31:13,357 --> 00:31:16,360
- Shall we decide on the dress, then?
- No, I don't like it.
451
00:31:16,902 --> 00:31:19,446
Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
452
00:31:19,571 --> 00:31:21,615
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deaI left.
453
00:31:21,740 --> 00:31:24,409
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
454
00:31:25,827 --> 00:31:30,207
Joey. Now you're talking.
455
00:31:30,332 --> 00:31:31,583
A clown!
456
00:31:31,833 --> 00:31:33,377
Can't you see it all?
457
00:31:33,502 --> 00:31:37,714
The sawdust ring, the tinseI, the glitter,
the lights!
458
00:31:37,839 --> 00:31:40,092
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
459
00:31:40,217 --> 00:31:43,094
There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
460
00:31:43,219 --> 00:31:46,389
- Now, this is all right.
- Off with your jacket!
461
00:31:47,515 --> 00:31:48,891
That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
462
00:31:49,016 --> 00:31:50,017
What for?
463
00:31:50,184 --> 00:31:53,104
We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautifuI frock.
464
00:31:53,229 --> 00:31:55,898
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
465
00:31:56,023 --> 00:31:57,733
We won't take any risks, you and I.
466
00:31:57,859 --> 00:32:01,321
That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
467
00:32:03,574 --> 00:32:06,994
I know a well brought up boy
when I see one.
468
00:32:07,119 --> 00:32:09,121
Folds his trousers at night, huh?
469
00:32:24,635 --> 00:32:29,515
Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
I've always wanted a pair of these?
470
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:30,641
Yes, my boy.
471
00:32:30,808 --> 00:32:32,810
My father took me to the palladium
when I was a kid.
472
00:32:32,935 --> 00:32:34,770
I might have caught on
in show business, you know?
473
00:32:34,896 --> 00:32:37,315
You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
474
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:40,860
They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
475
00:32:44,363 --> 00:32:47,575
You know, I guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
476
00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:50,453
- Talking of gain, are we ready?
- Yes!
477
00:32:50,578 --> 00:32:53,956
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
478
00:32:54,081 --> 00:32:56,082
The grand parade.
479
00:33:07,302 --> 00:33:09,554
Make way for Tindolini!
480
00:33:10,764 --> 00:33:15,436
The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
481
00:33:16,604 --> 00:33:18,564
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
482
00:33:18,689 --> 00:33:23,778
in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
483
00:33:28,032 --> 00:33:31,868
- He thinks I'm funny.
- You are funny. Turn it off!
484
00:33:34,538 --> 00:33:37,874
Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
485
00:33:37,999 --> 00:33:40,752
one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
486
00:33:40,877 --> 00:33:42,420
so it doesn't clatter to the ground
487
00:33:42,546 --> 00:33:44,381
and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
488
00:33:44,506 --> 00:33:47,843
you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
489
00:33:47,968 --> 00:33:50,470
- Stethoscope?
- Safe breakers for the use of.
490
00:33:50,595 --> 00:33:54,766
The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
491
00:33:54,891 --> 00:33:57,269
you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
492
00:33:57,394 --> 00:34:00,480
- Dynamite? What for?
- Safes for the blowing open of.
493
00:34:00,605 --> 00:34:03,525
But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
494
00:34:03,650 --> 00:34:07,903
Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
495
00:34:08,028 --> 00:34:10,114
Why not take a full page ad
in The Times
496
00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:12,324
and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
497
00:34:12,449 --> 00:34:13,492
Pom-poms.
498
00:34:13,617 --> 00:34:15,578
Well, I was only trying to lighten
Inspector Plodder's day
499
00:34:15,703 --> 00:34:16,745
for him, but if you don't like it...
500
00:34:16,871 --> 00:34:19,039
There is no such animaI
as Inspector Plodder
501
00:34:19,164 --> 00:34:21,334
outside your detective stories.
502
00:34:21,459 --> 00:34:23,211
It'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
503
00:34:23,336 --> 00:34:25,840
who knows his job
down to the last detaiI!
504
00:34:25,965 --> 00:34:28,009
You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
505
00:34:28,134 --> 00:34:31,345
And I can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
506
00:34:31,470 --> 00:34:35,975
But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
507
00:34:36,100 --> 00:34:40,146
"Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?"
508
00:34:40,271 --> 00:34:42,939
Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
509
00:34:43,523 --> 00:34:47,777
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professionaI
510
00:34:47,903 --> 00:34:50,447
realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
511
00:34:50,614 --> 00:34:53,366
decided to disguise his own.
512
00:34:53,491 --> 00:34:55,952
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
513
00:34:56,077 --> 00:34:58,914
Glass cutter, putty and...
514
00:34:59,039 --> 00:35:01,583
- Yes, yes, yes... I've got everything.
- And the stethoscope?
515
00:35:01,708 --> 00:35:08,465
Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
516
00:35:08,673 --> 00:35:09,674
Thank you.
517
00:35:11,968 --> 00:35:13,637
Very clever!
518
00:35:14,012 --> 00:35:17,349
Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
519
00:35:21,602 --> 00:35:24,396
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
520
00:35:24,522 --> 00:35:27,066
In the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
521
00:35:27,233 --> 00:35:30,569
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
522
00:35:30,694 --> 00:35:32,279
so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
523
00:35:32,404 --> 00:35:33,781
Understanding?
524
00:35:35,909 --> 00:35:37,577
- Upper landing?
- Yeah.
525
00:35:37,702 --> 00:35:40,747
I suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
526
00:35:40,872 --> 00:35:44,125
Certainly not. I don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
527
00:35:44,251 --> 00:35:46,753
- I'm not very good at heights.
- Well, don't look down.
528
00:35:46,878 --> 00:35:50,507
Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
529
00:35:50,632 --> 00:35:54,051
170,000 of them in cash, tax free.
530
00:35:54,176 --> 00:35:55,886
Good luck, Milo.
531
00:36:00,808 --> 00:36:02,893
Don't forget your gloves.
532
00:36:03,227 --> 00:36:04,979
What a way to make a living.
533
00:38:06,683 --> 00:38:08,601
Did you hear a noise, puss?
534
00:38:09,978 --> 00:38:12,522
And was that a footstep in the garden?
535
00:38:12,689 --> 00:38:16,943
No, no. I must be mistaken.
There it is again.
536
00:38:40,090 --> 00:38:41,425
What's that?
537
00:38:41,550 --> 00:38:45,470
Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. I'm certain of it.
538
00:39:21,673 --> 00:39:25,093
Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
539
00:39:25,219 --> 00:39:28,555
Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
540
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:32,141
The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
541
00:39:32,558 --> 00:39:37,605
Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
542
00:39:44,195 --> 00:39:47,281
For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
543
00:39:47,406 --> 00:39:50,117
The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
544
00:39:50,243 --> 00:39:51,745
and I fell down the bloody ladder!
545
00:39:51,870 --> 00:39:54,748
Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
546
00:39:54,873 --> 00:39:56,083
I'm sorry!
547
00:40:45,923 --> 00:40:48,634
Somehow, I thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
548
00:40:54,765 --> 00:40:57,852
- Now for the jewels.
- Not straight away.
549
00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:59,854
You're not supposed to know
where they are.
550
00:40:59,979 --> 00:41:04,108
You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
551
00:41:04,233 --> 00:41:08,154
If you'll be good enough to follow me
Miss Rebecca...
552
00:41:19,331 --> 00:41:21,041
A turnstile to the bedrooms?
553
00:41:21,166 --> 00:41:24,794
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
554
00:41:31,676 --> 00:41:35,890
The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
555
00:41:36,015 --> 00:41:39,560
- The mistress or her bedroom?
- It's irrelevant.
556
00:41:40,311 --> 00:41:44,232
Now, Milo, where to begin?
557
00:41:44,565 --> 00:41:49,779
The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
558
00:41:49,946 --> 00:41:52,323
Take them out, vandalise them.
559
00:41:53,031 --> 00:41:56,785
Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
560
00:41:56,910 --> 00:41:59,454
Don't pat them, ravage them.
561
00:41:59,704 --> 00:42:01,331
Come on, Milo.
562
00:42:03,250 --> 00:42:06,503
Excellent. Now, tear that.
563
00:42:06,753 --> 00:42:08,255
That's better.
564
00:42:08,380 --> 00:42:10,340
Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
565
00:42:10,465 --> 00:42:12,926
of her skilled accomplishments?
566
00:42:13,051 --> 00:42:17,430
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
sapphires interleaved
567
00:42:17,556 --> 00:42:20,767
among her lace-edged underclothes,
568
00:42:20,892 --> 00:42:23,979
stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
569
00:42:24,104 --> 00:42:28,108
sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
570
00:42:28,232 --> 00:42:31,068
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
571
00:42:31,193 --> 00:42:36,740
or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
572
00:42:37,575 --> 00:42:40,494
What better safe deposit for deceit?
573
00:42:40,619 --> 00:42:43,873
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
574
00:42:43,998 --> 00:42:49,045
The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
575
00:42:49,171 --> 00:42:51,882
I thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
576
00:42:52,007 --> 00:42:54,843
So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, I was.
577
00:42:54,968 --> 00:42:57,804
Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
578
00:42:59,055 --> 00:43:01,016
- Why me?
- I'm afraid if I broke it
579
00:43:01,141 --> 00:43:03,935
I'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
580
00:43:06,187 --> 00:43:07,605
Thank you.
581
00:43:13,903 --> 00:43:16,113
- Now, where's your bedroom?
- My...
582
00:43:16,238 --> 00:43:19,617
- It's my turn to demonstrate.
- My dear Milo,
583
00:43:19,742 --> 00:43:22,453
having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personaI possessions...
584
00:43:22,578 --> 00:43:23,704
It'd be a bit suspicious,
585
00:43:23,829 --> 00:43:25,873
a professionaI burglar
playing favourites.
586
00:43:25,998 --> 00:43:28,542
No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
587
00:43:28,667 --> 00:43:31,003
would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
588
00:43:31,128 --> 00:43:33,380
- Which is where?
- The inevitable safe.
589
00:43:33,506 --> 00:43:36,550
Just blow it open and steaI what's in it.
590
00:43:36,675 --> 00:43:38,219
Come on, Milo.
591
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:40,803
Right.
592
00:43:49,229 --> 00:43:52,440
- What kind of charge you got here?
- Enough for the job.
593
00:43:52,565 --> 00:43:55,860
I learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
594
00:43:55,985 --> 00:43:58,948
Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
595
00:44:02,785 --> 00:44:05,204
Five, a four,
596
00:44:05,329 --> 00:44:06,413
a three,
597
00:44:06,539 --> 00:44:07,665
a two,
598
00:44:07,790 --> 00:44:09,124
a one,
599
00:44:09,250 --> 00:44:10,334
a blast off.
600
00:44:42,407 --> 00:44:44,742
I've got it. I've got it.
601
00:44:50,373 --> 00:44:53,333
What are you shaking it for?
It's a jeweI box, not a maraca.
602
00:44:53,458 --> 00:44:55,878
I thought it might have a secret catch.
It's locked, you see?
603
00:44:56,003 --> 00:44:57,045
Well, smash it open.
604
00:44:57,171 --> 00:45:01,008
Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
605
00:45:01,133 --> 00:45:04,052
It's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
606
00:45:15,523 --> 00:45:19,944
- Dear God.
- Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
607
00:45:25,618 --> 00:45:27,411
They're fantastic.
608
00:45:38,505 --> 00:45:41,841
- Look at this ruby necklace.
- Never much cared for it myself.
609
00:45:41,966 --> 00:45:45,803
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
610
00:45:45,929 --> 00:45:51,017
I wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
611
00:45:51,142 --> 00:45:55,980
Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
612
00:45:56,105 --> 00:45:59,734
Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
613
00:46:00,610 --> 00:46:04,988
To give me an education at
a second-rate public schooI.
614
00:46:06,823 --> 00:46:09,451
I suppose he thought he had to.
615
00:46:09,576 --> 00:46:11,954
That he owed it to me
616
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:15,123
and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
617
00:46:18,168 --> 00:46:19,545
Silly old bugger.
618
00:46:19,670 --> 00:46:24,300
Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
619
00:46:24,968 --> 00:46:26,886
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
620
00:46:27,011 --> 00:46:28,888
is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
621
00:46:29,013 --> 00:46:30,431
Do you mind?
622
00:46:36,229 --> 00:46:38,940
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
623
00:46:39,065 --> 00:46:41,608
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
624
00:46:41,733 --> 00:46:44,695
surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
625
00:46:44,820 --> 00:46:46,905
the house is sacked.
626
00:46:47,030 --> 00:46:50,075
Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
627
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,452
Because, if I've seen
you at close quarters,
628
00:46:52,578 --> 00:46:56,039
I can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
629
00:46:57,124 --> 00:46:59,668
"Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?"
630
00:46:59,835 --> 00:47:03,463
"Yes, Inspector, I did.
I don't know if it was a trick of the light,
631
00:47:03,589 --> 00:47:06,675
"but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human... "
632
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:08,510
How much sacking do you want done?
633
00:47:08,635 --> 00:47:10,971
A decent bit, I think.
A few chairs upturned,
634
00:47:11,096 --> 00:47:12,598
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
635
00:47:12,723 --> 00:47:15,600
You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
636
00:47:25,818 --> 00:47:28,196
You surely don't call that convincing.
637
00:47:28,362 --> 00:47:29,822
Milo.
638
00:47:37,915 --> 00:47:41,835
Let the literature fly to the four winds,
639
00:47:42,002 --> 00:47:47,799
let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
640
00:48:07,151 --> 00:48:09,529
Hey, that's my new manuscript!
641
00:48:15,910 --> 00:48:18,371
Let my secretary sort it out.
642
00:48:30,298 --> 00:48:32,676
- Enough?
- For a starter.
643
00:48:32,801 --> 00:48:38,348
Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
644
00:48:38,473 --> 00:48:42,060
- What seconds? What for?
- The ensuing fight, remember?
645
00:48:44,814 --> 00:48:47,066
- Hey!
- Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
646
00:48:47,191 --> 00:48:51,028
You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
647
00:48:52,947 --> 00:48:54,824
- You've asked for this.
- Don't let me out.
648
00:48:54,949 --> 00:48:56,409
My wife's gonna have a baby.
649
00:48:56,534 --> 00:48:58,369
Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
650
00:48:58,494 --> 00:49:01,205
This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where I take a dive,
651
00:49:01,330 --> 00:49:03,707
and you knock me out cold!
652
00:49:04,791 --> 00:49:06,418
- For reaI?
- Naturally.
653
00:49:06,543 --> 00:49:09,379
When the police come,
I'll have to show them a reaI lump.
654
00:49:09,504 --> 00:49:11,631
Yes, I thought you'd like this bit.
655
00:49:11,756 --> 00:49:13,717
You're dead right.
656
00:49:13,842 --> 00:49:16,386
Now, what shall I use?
657
00:49:16,511 --> 00:49:19,139
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
658
00:49:21,266 --> 00:49:25,645
There it is.
The originaI blunt instrument.
659
00:49:25,770 --> 00:49:27,647
The poker.
660
00:49:27,772 --> 00:49:29,691
- Right. Now, where do you want it?
- Now steady.
661
00:49:29,816 --> 00:49:30,901
Now, don't get carried away.
662
00:49:31,067 --> 00:49:33,278
It's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
663
00:49:33,403 --> 00:49:34,404
- No?
- No.
664
00:49:34,571 --> 00:49:36,323
We're discussing an object
from which I receive,
665
00:49:36,448 --> 00:49:38,450
in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
666
00:49:38,575 --> 00:49:41,744
which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
667
00:49:41,869 --> 00:49:43,954
Why don't I just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
668
00:49:44,079 --> 00:49:46,040
with the poker, untiI a lump comes up?
669
00:49:46,165 --> 00:49:47,625
Quite frankly, I've rather
gone off the whole thing.
670
00:49:47,750 --> 00:49:50,628
Now, I know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
671
00:49:50,753 --> 00:49:52,254
to be found by the cleaning woman.
672
00:49:52,379 --> 00:49:54,089
"Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
673
00:49:54,215 --> 00:49:58,303
"Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
674
00:50:02,390 --> 00:50:04,559
"God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
675
00:50:04,684 --> 00:50:06,978
"for one of them creepy new books
of yours.
676
00:50:07,103 --> 00:50:10,190
"I know, now don't you mind me.
I won't disturb thee.
677
00:50:10,315 --> 00:50:12,859
"I'll just be getting on with me dusting. "
678
00:50:12,984 --> 00:50:18,197
Andrew, if I don't knock you out,
how have I tied you up?
679
00:50:18,322 --> 00:50:19,990
That's a very good question.
680
00:50:20,115 --> 00:50:22,618
Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
681
00:50:22,827 --> 00:50:26,205
We professionaI burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
682
00:50:26,413 --> 00:50:27,957
We are English, after all.
683
00:50:28,165 --> 00:50:31,085
You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
684
00:50:31,210 --> 00:50:34,839
Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
685
00:50:34,964 --> 00:50:36,715
during the struggle.
686
00:50:36,966 --> 00:50:38,342
- Is that loaded?
- Well, of course.
687
00:50:38,467 --> 00:50:39,552
What would be the use of it, otherwise?
688
00:50:39,677 --> 00:50:42,847
And I think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
689
00:50:42,972 --> 00:50:45,850
blowing to smithereens
the usuaI priceless heirlooms.
690
00:50:46,058 --> 00:50:48,477
- Why?
- To lend credence to my story
691
00:50:48,602 --> 00:50:52,605
of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
692
00:50:52,730 --> 00:50:55,276
- All right?
- Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.
693
00:50:55,693 --> 00:50:58,153
Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
694
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:02,241
What about this old codger up here?
695
00:51:02,366 --> 00:51:03,617
Put that down at once!
696
00:51:03,742 --> 00:51:05,202
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
697
00:51:05,327 --> 00:51:07,079
given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
698
00:51:07,204 --> 00:51:11,376
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
699
00:51:11,835 --> 00:51:14,671
Ironically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
700
00:51:14,796 --> 00:51:18,133
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesteroI.
701
00:51:18,258 --> 00:51:19,426
Now.
702
00:51:20,760 --> 00:51:26,183
What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
703
00:51:35,691 --> 00:51:36,859
Puzzle jug?
704
00:51:36,984 --> 00:51:40,196
To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
705
00:51:49,705 --> 00:51:52,708
- Very funny.
- Marguerite thought it clever.
706
00:51:52,833 --> 00:51:54,960
Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
707
00:51:55,252 --> 00:51:57,713
Let us expose its shortcomings.
708
00:52:00,174 --> 00:52:02,717
Well, you might've said good shot.
709
00:52:02,967 --> 00:52:06,429
You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
710
00:52:06,554 --> 00:52:10,683
Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
711
00:52:10,808 --> 00:52:12,352
Now, what next?
712
00:52:16,397 --> 00:52:20,861
The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
713
00:52:21,529 --> 00:52:24,448
I will not resist the temptation.
714
00:52:25,324 --> 00:52:30,454
Shucks. Gosh darn,
if I ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
715
00:52:39,587 --> 00:52:41,047
You hit what you were aiming for,
all right.
716
00:52:41,172 --> 00:52:42,632
Now don't be peevish, Milo.
717
00:52:42,757 --> 00:52:45,468
There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
718
00:52:45,593 --> 00:52:49,264
- Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
- You know damned well I didn't.
719
00:52:49,430 --> 00:52:52,600
He was the very finest shot
I ever did see.
720
00:52:52,725 --> 00:52:57,772
I once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
721
00:52:57,897 --> 00:52:59,232
The only thing was,
they were china ducks
722
00:52:59,357 --> 00:53:01,067
in his auntie's drawing room. And I said,
723
00:53:01,192 --> 00:53:04,863
"But Charlie, you can't do that.
It's the closed season. "
724
00:53:07,866 --> 00:53:09,868
Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
725
00:53:09,993 --> 00:53:11,911
Even the bad ones.
726
00:53:12,620 --> 00:53:15,539
True, not as funny as all that.
727
00:53:15,664 --> 00:53:19,751
There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
728
00:53:20,169 --> 00:53:23,088
Seducers and wife-stealers,
for example.
729
00:53:23,297 --> 00:53:24,965
Now, that's a bad Italian joke.
730
00:53:25,090 --> 00:53:27,384
You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
731
00:53:27,509 --> 00:53:32,140
No, actually, I'm English.
I was born here in England.
732
00:53:32,265 --> 00:53:34,642
Were you now? Actually?
733
00:53:34,767 --> 00:53:37,020
Born in dear old,
cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system
734
00:53:37,145 --> 00:53:40,815
who-screws-my-wife,
merits-a-large-pink-gin, England?
735
00:53:40,940 --> 00:53:43,610
Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, I mean.
736
00:53:44,235 --> 00:53:46,196
Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
737
00:53:46,321 --> 00:53:49,407
What he really thinks in private is,
"Filthy, wet country!
738
00:53:49,532 --> 00:53:51,575
"Ugly, red, cold men
739
00:53:51,700 --> 00:53:54,536
"who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cooI women. "
740
00:53:54,661 --> 00:53:56,705
And what brought all this on, then?
741
00:54:00,834 --> 00:54:03,879
- What are you doing with that gun?
- Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
742
00:54:04,004 --> 00:54:05,923
I can see that, but why?
743
00:54:06,048 --> 00:54:08,884
Because I'm gonna kill you.
744
00:54:09,593 --> 00:54:11,678
You are gonna kill me?
745
00:54:11,803 --> 00:54:15,516
Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
746
00:54:15,641 --> 00:54:17,809
Another one? No, it's the same one.
747
00:54:17,935 --> 00:54:19,811
We've been playing it all evening.
It's called,
748
00:54:19,937 --> 00:54:23,482
"You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder. "
749
00:54:26,317 --> 00:54:30,488
You... You mean all that
steaI the jeweI stuff was just...
750
00:54:30,863 --> 00:54:34,534
I invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
751
00:54:34,700 --> 00:54:38,371
The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
752
00:54:38,538 --> 00:54:40,832
the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
753
00:54:40,957 --> 00:54:46,380
and gun going off during the struggle
and then the finaI fataI shot.
754
00:54:47,631 --> 00:54:50,843
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
755
00:54:50,968 --> 00:54:53,679
- It ain't funny no more.
- It ain't, ain't it?
756
00:54:53,804 --> 00:54:56,849
- Can you find a flaw in it?
- Marguerite.
757
00:54:56,974 --> 00:54:59,268
The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
758
00:54:59,393 --> 00:55:01,477
- What nonsense.
- They'll know that's why you did it.
759
00:55:01,602 --> 00:55:03,104
How was I expected
to know who you were?
760
00:55:03,229 --> 00:55:05,022
The law will have
every sympathy for me.
761
00:55:05,147 --> 00:55:08,818
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
762
00:55:08,943 --> 00:55:10,319
Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
763
00:55:10,444 --> 00:55:12,780
after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
764
00:55:12,905 --> 00:55:14,574
A petty sneak thief,
765
00:55:14,699 --> 00:55:18,786
who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
766
00:55:19,078 --> 00:55:22,915
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
767
00:55:23,666 --> 00:55:25,960
Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
768
00:55:26,085 --> 00:55:28,296
You've learnt something
from the English.
769
00:55:28,421 --> 00:55:29,797
And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
770
00:55:29,922 --> 00:55:31,174
Why don't you make a run for it?
771
00:55:31,299 --> 00:55:33,342
And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
772
00:55:33,467 --> 00:55:35,928
Hot blood, you mean.
But I'll tell you what I'll do.
773
00:55:36,053 --> 00:55:38,305
I'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
774
00:55:38,430 --> 00:55:41,057
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
775
00:55:41,183 --> 00:55:42,350
One.
776
00:55:44,019 --> 00:55:45,437
One,
777
00:55:46,605 --> 00:55:47,772
two,
778
00:55:48,315 --> 00:55:49,566
three,
779
00:55:49,774 --> 00:55:51,026
four,
780
00:55:51,568 --> 00:55:52,819
five,
781
00:55:53,069 --> 00:55:54,321
six,
782
00:55:54,779 --> 00:55:55,948
seven,
783
00:55:56,407 --> 00:55:57,533
eight,
784
00:55:57,658 --> 00:55:58,910
nine,
785
00:55:59,327 --> 00:56:00,411
10,
786
00:56:00,661 --> 00:56:01,913
11,
787
00:56:02,330 --> 00:56:03,498
12,
788
00:56:03,956 --> 00:56:05,208
13,
789
00:56:05,625 --> 00:56:06,876
14,
790
00:56:07,293 --> 00:56:08,461
15,
791
00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:10,171
16,
792
00:56:10,588 --> 00:56:11,839
17,
793
00:56:12,465 --> 00:56:13,632
18,
794
00:56:14,090 --> 00:56:15,592
19,
795
00:56:16,176 --> 00:56:19,137
and a 20.
796
00:56:25,268 --> 00:56:28,898
- You left them in that beautifuI coat.
- Oh, my God.
797
00:56:29,023 --> 00:56:31,901
Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
798
00:56:32,485 --> 00:56:35,780
Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
799
00:56:56,383 --> 00:56:58,718
Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
800
00:56:58,844 --> 00:57:00,929
is where the police shall find you.
801
00:57:01,847 --> 00:57:05,308
Of course, you could be Iying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
802
00:57:05,433 --> 00:57:08,437
like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
803
00:57:08,563 --> 00:57:11,399
or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
804
00:57:11,524 --> 00:57:15,027
Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
805
00:57:15,153 --> 00:57:17,697
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
806
00:57:17,864 --> 00:57:19,991
Of killing a reaI man!
Don't you understand?
807
00:57:20,116 --> 00:57:22,660
I shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
808
00:57:22,827 --> 00:57:25,620
a reaI 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
809
00:57:25,829 --> 00:57:28,290
I've got one in my golf bag.
810
00:57:51,271 --> 00:57:54,232
Dear, old mashie niblick.
811
00:57:54,357 --> 00:57:59,488
I think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
812
00:57:59,613 --> 00:58:00,946
The body lay on its back.
813
00:58:01,071 --> 00:58:03,908
Its limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
814
00:58:04,033 --> 00:58:08,787
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernaturaI force.
815
00:58:08,913 --> 00:58:11,916
"My God,"
breathed the Inspector, blanching.
816
00:58:12,041 --> 00:58:14,668
"Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
817
00:58:14,793 --> 00:58:18,882
"Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?"
818
00:58:19,007 --> 00:58:20,884
"I'm sorry, Inspector.
819
00:58:21,009 --> 00:58:23,470
"I'm afraid I lost controI of myself
when I saw him
820
00:58:23,595 --> 00:58:26,264
"handling my wife's
intimate garments. "
821
00:58:26,556 --> 00:58:28,642
It's too bloody elaborate.
I'll tell you what.
822
00:58:28,767 --> 00:58:31,394
I think the scene
the police find is simply this.
823
00:58:31,520 --> 00:58:35,106
After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
824
00:58:35,232 --> 00:58:37,066
Go on, Milo, flee.
825
00:58:37,191 --> 00:58:38,609
Up you go.
826
00:58:40,110 --> 00:58:41,570
Up you go.
827
00:58:52,248 --> 00:58:54,416
I catch you on the landing,
828
00:58:54,542 --> 00:58:57,461
and in the renewed struggle,
I shoot you.
829
00:58:57,586 --> 00:59:02,633
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
830
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,846
On the morning of his execution,
King Charles I put on two shirts.
831
00:59:07,638 --> 00:59:11,267
"If I tremble with the cold," he said,
"my enemies will say it was from fear.
832
00:59:11,392 --> 00:59:15,228
"I will not expose myself
to such reproaches. "
833
00:59:15,353 --> 00:59:18,606
We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
834
00:59:18,731 --> 00:59:22,318
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
835
00:59:24,070 --> 00:59:26,948
Look,
836
00:59:27,282 --> 00:59:30,911
I can't give anything back, can I?
837
00:59:32,788 --> 00:59:35,916
I mean, if it hadn't been me,
838
00:59:36,041 --> 00:59:38,502
it would've been somebody else.
839
00:59:39,879 --> 00:59:41,797
Please.
840
00:59:42,381 --> 00:59:44,633
I'll go away.
841
00:59:44,842 --> 00:59:47,803
You won't never hear of me, no more.
842
00:59:52,640 --> 00:59:54,851
Why, Andrew?
843
00:59:54,976 --> 00:59:57,145
Why me?
844
00:59:58,062 --> 00:59:59,230
Don't sniveI.
845
00:59:59,355 --> 01:00:02,108
I must know why!
846
01:00:03,443 --> 01:00:06,988
I'm amazed you have to ask.
847
01:00:07,113 --> 01:00:09,199
I hate you.
848
01:00:09,699 --> 01:00:13,369
I hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
849
01:00:13,495 --> 01:00:17,123
I'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
850
01:00:17,248 --> 01:00:20,627
I knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
851
01:00:20,752 --> 01:00:24,963
And I'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oiI.
852
01:00:25,088 --> 01:00:31,553
Above all, I hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
853
01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:33,722
And not one of me.
854
01:00:33,847 --> 01:00:38,268
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
855
01:00:38,393 --> 01:00:43,608
A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
856
01:00:43,733 --> 01:00:50,031
Did you really believe
I'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
857
01:00:50,156 --> 01:00:53,785
That I'd make myself that ridiculous?
858
01:00:55,620 --> 01:00:57,622
Why not?
859
01:00:57,747 --> 01:01:00,082
You're not in love with her.
860
01:01:00,207 --> 01:01:03,961
Whether I love her or not, I found her.
861
01:01:04,127 --> 01:01:06,046
I've kept her.
862
01:01:06,171 --> 01:01:09,007
She represents me.
863
01:01:09,132 --> 01:01:13,262
Once, she was in love with me.
864
01:01:17,057 --> 01:01:20,102
And now, she's in love with me.
865
01:01:20,227 --> 01:01:22,771
And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
866
01:01:22,938 --> 01:01:26,275
And after me, there'll be others.
867
01:01:26,400 --> 01:01:28,735
You're gonna kill them, too?
868
01:01:28,861 --> 01:01:31,738
You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
869
01:01:31,864 --> 01:01:34,867
And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
870
01:01:34,992 --> 01:01:38,452
about to be murdered.
871
01:01:38,578 --> 01:01:41,539
Put the mask on, Milo.
- No, no.
872
01:01:41,664 --> 01:01:46,794
- Put it on.
- No, please.
873
01:01:46,919 --> 01:01:48,963
Put it on.
874
01:01:58,933 --> 01:02:03,104
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
875
01:02:03,229 --> 01:02:06,816
A snivelling, dago clown.
876
01:02:06,941 --> 01:02:08,610
Farewell.
877
01:02:08,735 --> 01:02:10,820
Puncinello.
878
01:02:10,945 --> 01:02:13,238
Please!
879
01:07:27,757 --> 01:07:29,008
Good evening, sir.
880
01:07:29,175 --> 01:07:31,345
I was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
881
01:07:31,470 --> 01:07:33,973
Indeed. And who might you be?
882
01:07:34,098 --> 01:07:39,519
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
883
01:07:39,644 --> 01:07:43,731
I'm sorry to be calling so late,
but I need to have a few words with you
884
01:07:43,857 --> 01:07:46,401
on a very important matter.
885
01:07:46,568 --> 01:07:47,735
Better come in.
886
01:07:47,902 --> 01:07:50,321
Wiltshire County Constabulary,
you say?
887
01:07:50,446 --> 01:07:52,908
That's right, sir.
I'm normally based in Salisbury,
888
01:07:53,075 --> 01:07:58,289
but your locaI man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
889
01:07:58,455 --> 01:08:01,917
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
890
01:08:02,042 --> 01:08:05,713
There's a time for humming, Inspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
891
01:08:05,838 --> 01:08:08,841
- No thank you, sir. I've had my supper.
- Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
892
01:08:08,966 --> 01:08:10,633
or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
893
01:08:11,009 --> 01:08:13,553
No, sir. I always drink on duty.
894
01:08:13,720 --> 01:08:17,140
I can't afford to on my own time.
895
01:08:17,265 --> 01:08:18,808
Caviar.
896
01:08:18,933 --> 01:08:21,352
So that's what that looks like.
897
01:08:21,561 --> 01:08:24,022
I've often wondered.
898
01:08:31,779 --> 01:08:35,450
Can't say I care for it all that much, sir.
899
01:08:36,826 --> 01:08:39,496
Tastes like fish eggs.
900
01:08:39,621 --> 01:08:40,622
Fancy.
901
01:08:40,788 --> 01:08:44,959
Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
902
01:08:45,084 --> 01:08:47,753
Do follow me, won't you, Inspector?
903
01:08:54,134 --> 01:08:58,430
These old antiques
are very interesting, sir.
904
01:08:59,848 --> 01:09:03,936
You have quite a collection of toys.
905
01:09:04,061 --> 01:09:07,732
Autometer, Inspector. And they all work.
906
01:09:07,899 --> 01:09:11,736
I wouldn't have thought there was much
point in having them if they didn't, sir.
907
01:09:11,861 --> 01:09:16,908
And now, as the cliché has it,
what can I do for you, Inspector?
908
01:09:17,116 --> 01:09:22,496
I am investigating the disappearance
of a Mr Milo Tindle.
909
01:09:22,704 --> 01:09:24,331
Do you know him, sir?
910
01:09:24,456 --> 01:09:26,917
Vaguely.
911
01:09:28,418 --> 01:09:32,548
He walked out of his cottage
late last Friday afternoon
912
01:09:32,673 --> 01:09:35,133
and hasn't been seen since.
913
01:09:35,259 --> 01:09:37,344
Really, I'm afraid
I'm not very much interested
914
01:09:37,469 --> 01:09:40,472
in the migratory habits of hair dressers.
915
01:09:40,597 --> 01:09:42,474
So you do
know the gentleman then, sir?
916
01:09:42,599 --> 01:09:44,726
Well, I know his profession.
917
01:09:44,852 --> 01:09:48,313
I think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in London.
918
01:09:48,438 --> 01:09:51,608
When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir?
919
01:09:51,733 --> 01:09:54,194
Some months ago.
I wouldn't remember, exactly.
920
01:09:54,319 --> 01:09:55,863
I'd have no reason to, really.
921
01:09:55,988 --> 01:09:59,782
That doesn't quite
accord with our information.
922
01:09:59,907 --> 01:10:05,788
I wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me please, sir?
923
01:10:05,913 --> 01:10:08,374
In fact, two nights ago,
924
01:10:08,541 --> 01:10:11,919
he told Jack Benn,
the licensee of the White Lion,
925
01:10:12,044 --> 01:10:13,963
he was on his way up to see you.
926
01:10:14,088 --> 01:10:16,967
Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, Inspector.
927
01:10:17,092 --> 01:10:19,386
Vinous gossip is their stock in trade.
928
01:10:19,511 --> 01:10:22,264
Vinous, as pertaining to wine,
I assume, sir.
929
01:10:22,389 --> 01:10:24,391
Very good.
930
01:10:36,027 --> 01:10:38,112
And I was wondering
if there was something else
931
01:10:38,237 --> 01:10:41,407
- you could correct for me, sir.
- What is that?
932
01:10:41,532 --> 01:10:42,992
The impression, gained by a man,
933
01:10:43,117 --> 01:10:46,287
who happened to be passing
your house on Friday night.
934
01:10:46,412 --> 01:10:50,666
- That shots were fired in here.
- Shots?
935
01:10:50,791 --> 01:10:52,960
Three, our man thinks.
936
01:10:53,085 --> 01:10:55,630
- A car backfiring?
- Oh, no, sir.
937
01:10:55,796 --> 01:10:58,549
I'm afraid that sort of
occurrence only comes in,
938
01:10:58,674 --> 01:11:01,552
saving your presence, sir,
detective stories.
939
01:11:01,677 --> 01:11:04,931
No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
940
01:11:05,056 --> 01:11:06,098
I see.
941
01:11:06,224 --> 01:11:09,227
May I ask why you've taken two days
to come round and ask me
942
01:11:09,352 --> 01:11:12,813
- about all this?
- Well, sir, these things
943
01:11:12,938 --> 01:11:17,067
always take a little longer
to check out than you think.
944
01:11:17,359 --> 01:11:22,155
Your locaI man wanted to be sure
of his facts before calling me in
945
01:11:22,280 --> 01:11:25,450
and before troubling
a gentleman like yourself.
946
01:11:25,575 --> 01:11:29,413
- Facts? What facts?
- Well, after our informant
947
01:11:29,539 --> 01:11:34,752
had reported the incident,
we thought we'd better
948
01:11:34,919 --> 01:11:36,796
have a word with Mr Tindle
949
01:11:36,921 --> 01:11:39,924
to see if he could
throw any light on the subject.
950
01:11:40,049 --> 01:11:44,971
And could he? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, Inspector.
951
01:11:46,179 --> 01:11:48,223
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
952
01:11:48,473 --> 01:11:54,312
He wasn't at his cottage,
all day Saturday, nor all day today.
953
01:11:55,188 --> 01:11:59,192
We must've called there
at least half a dozen times.
954
01:11:59,317 --> 01:12:02,237
By Jove, sir.
Merridew would've been proud of you.
955
01:12:03,530 --> 01:12:05,907
Your detective, sir.
956
01:12:06,032 --> 01:12:09,202
That's praise, indeed, sir.
I'm a great fan of his lordship.
957
01:12:09,327 --> 01:12:10,662
Are you really?
958
01:12:10,787 --> 01:12:12,247
Well, you must tell me
which is your favourite.
959
01:12:12,372 --> 01:12:14,207
I, myself, have always
had a speciaI affection
960
01:12:14,374 --> 01:12:15,750
for The Case of the Crucified Countess.
961
01:12:15,876 --> 01:12:19,004
When we stepped inside
Mr Tindle's cottage
962
01:12:19,129 --> 01:12:22,715
to make sure
that no harm had come to him,
963
01:12:22,840 --> 01:12:25,301
we found this, sir.
964
01:12:25,468 --> 01:12:27,344
"Urgent we talk.
965
01:12:27,470 --> 01:12:31,307
"Come on Friday evening, about 6:30.
966
01:12:31,432 --> 01:12:32,683
"Wyke. "
967
01:12:32,808 --> 01:12:36,353
May I ask, is this your handwriting, sir?
968
01:12:36,479 --> 01:12:40,525
- Yes, it's mine, all right.
- So Mr Tindle was here then, sir.
969
01:12:40,650 --> 01:12:43,403
- He was.
- And was there an incident
970
01:12:43,528 --> 01:12:47,657
two nights ago, as a result of which
shots were fired?
971
01:12:47,782 --> 01:12:51,536
In a manner of speaking.
It was a game we were playing.
972
01:12:51,703 --> 01:12:54,956
A game, sir? What kind of game?
973
01:12:55,081 --> 01:13:00,920
- It's called "burglary".
- Burglary is not a game, sir.
974
01:13:01,838 --> 01:13:04,049
Isn't it about time you told me,
975
01:13:04,174 --> 01:13:07,052
I don't know
the seriousness of my position?
976
01:13:07,177 --> 01:13:11,807
A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
977
01:13:11,932 --> 01:13:14,768
Now, what would you make out of that,
if you were me, sir?
978
01:13:14,893 --> 01:13:16,436
An open and shut case,
979
01:13:16,561 --> 01:13:18,647
but things are not always
what they seem, Inspector.
980
01:13:18,772 --> 01:13:20,106
Why, in
The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,
981
01:13:20,232 --> 01:13:25,111
- your favourite, Lord Merridew...
- I am waiting for an explanation, sir.
982
01:13:26,404 --> 01:13:30,742
Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30
and left about an hour and a half later.
983
01:13:30,867 --> 01:13:34,703
- I have not seen him since.
- And nor has any one else, sir.
984
01:13:34,870 --> 01:13:39,291
But this is absurd.
You're not suggesting I killed Tindle?
985
01:13:39,416 --> 01:13:43,087
Killed Tindle, sir?
I never mentioned the word "kill".
986
01:13:43,212 --> 01:13:46,966
Come now, Inspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
987
01:13:47,091 --> 01:13:51,930
"Garrotted, sir. May I ask how you knew
her ladyship had been garrotted?"
988
01:13:52,055 --> 01:13:53,807
"Surely, you told me so, Inspector. "
989
01:13:53,932 --> 01:13:57,686
"No, sir.
I never mentioned the word garrotted. "
990
01:13:57,978 --> 01:14:03,316
I am sorry you find us so comic, sir.
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
991
01:14:03,441 --> 01:14:06,361
You're just doing your job
is the overworked phrase, isn't it?
992
01:14:06,486 --> 01:14:11,282
Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
The overworked phrase that is, yeah.
993
01:14:11,407 --> 01:14:15,327
Your wife and Mr Tindle
have been associating closely
994
01:14:15,452 --> 01:14:18,289
- for some time, sir.
- I thought you'd know about that.
995
01:14:18,414 --> 01:14:21,542
You can't keep anything quiet
in a small village.
996
01:14:21,709 --> 01:14:23,502
Perfectly true, sir.
997
01:14:23,627 --> 01:14:25,963
You're not suggesting
a crime passionnel?
998
01:14:26,088 --> 01:14:28,466
I do hope. Not with Marguerite.
Oh, God.
999
01:14:28,632 --> 01:14:30,676
That'd be like knifing somebody
for the sake
1000
01:14:30,801 --> 01:14:33,804
of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding.
1001
01:14:33,971 --> 01:14:37,475
I'm very partiaI to rice pudding, sir.
1002
01:14:37,600 --> 01:14:41,437
- I find it a great standby.
- That's perfect.
1003
01:14:41,562 --> 01:14:44,565
"All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,"
1004
01:14:44,690 --> 01:14:47,108
said Inspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested
1005
01:14:47,233 --> 01:14:52,822
another spoonfuI of his favourite pud.
"But only one of you had all three. "
1006
01:14:52,947 --> 01:14:57,744
Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
1007
01:15:00,497 --> 01:15:02,582
I suppose
I better tell you what happened.
1008
01:15:02,707 --> 01:15:04,126
That would be helpfuI, sir.
1009
01:15:04,251 --> 01:15:06,420
Perhaps another drink
would be helpfuI, too.
1010
01:15:06,545 --> 01:15:10,966
I'd love another drink, sir, but I think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
1011
01:15:11,091 --> 01:15:13,469
Quite right, Inspector.
That, too, can be corrected.
1012
01:15:13,594 --> 01:15:15,721
Do come with me, won't you?
1013
01:15:15,846 --> 01:15:17,598
Now, as you seem to know,
1014
01:15:17,723 --> 01:15:20,017
Tindle was having an affair
with my wife.
1015
01:15:20,142 --> 01:15:22,060
Now, I belong to that rare breed of men
1016
01:15:22,185 --> 01:15:24,395
who genuinely don't mind
losing gracefully
1017
01:15:24,521 --> 01:15:26,898
to a gentleman who plays the game
by the same rules.
1018
01:15:27,023 --> 01:15:30,860
But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-Italian lover boy,
1019
01:15:30,985 --> 01:15:35,990
who mistakes my indifference
for inadequacy is altogether too much!
1020
01:15:36,199 --> 01:15:39,410
You mean you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir?
1021
01:15:39,536 --> 01:15:40,537
Is that what you're saying?
1022
01:15:40,703 --> 01:15:45,124
I mean, it was a situation I refused
to accept, Inspector.
1023
01:15:48,461 --> 01:15:52,340
Playing the game is very
important to you, is it, sir?
1024
01:15:52,465 --> 01:15:55,468
Playing the game
and games playing, yes, Inspector.
1025
01:15:55,718 --> 01:15:57,719
I'm not quite sure
I see the difference, sir.
1026
01:15:57,845 --> 01:16:00,180
It's perfectly simple, Inspector.
1027
01:16:00,305 --> 01:16:02,933
Playing the game
is what every gentleman does.
1028
01:16:03,058 --> 01:16:06,270
Playing of particular games
is my speciaI passion.
1029
01:16:06,395 --> 01:16:10,399
In a way, my whole life.
1030
01:16:16,239 --> 01:16:18,825
That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
1031
01:16:18,950 --> 01:16:20,368
Like a child not growing up.
1032
01:16:20,493 --> 01:16:23,746
What's so sad
about a child playing, Inspector?
1033
01:16:24,164 --> 01:16:27,375
Nothing, sir, if you're a child.
1034
01:16:28,835 --> 01:16:30,044
Let me tell you, Inspector,
1035
01:16:30,170 --> 01:16:33,630
I have played games of such complexity
that Jung and Einstein
1036
01:16:33,755 --> 01:16:37,050
would've been proud to have been
asked to participate in them.
1037
01:16:37,176 --> 01:16:41,263
I have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche
1038
01:16:41,388 --> 01:16:43,974
unknown in ordinary
human relationships.
1039
01:16:44,099 --> 01:16:49,646
And I've had a very great deaI
of not altogether innocent fun.
1040
01:16:54,526 --> 01:16:57,321
Is there nothing
you would not consider a game, sir?
1041
01:16:57,446 --> 01:17:00,073
Duty, work, even marriage?
1042
01:17:00,324 --> 01:17:02,784
Please, Inspector.
Don't include marriage.
1043
01:17:02,910 --> 01:17:07,623
Sex! Sex is the game.
Marriage, the penalty.
1044
01:17:08,915 --> 01:17:12,502
Round and round,
we jog towards each futile anniversary.
1045
01:17:12,627 --> 01:17:15,880
Pass go. Collect two hundred rows,
1046
01:17:16,005 --> 01:17:19,258
two hundred silences,
two hundred scars.
1047
01:17:19,383 --> 01:17:20,802
In the deep places.
1048
01:17:20,927 --> 01:17:25,097
Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
1049
01:17:25,223 --> 01:17:27,976
you had no motive
for murdering Mr Tindle?
1050
01:17:28,101 --> 01:17:30,854
I'm simply saying, Inspector,
that in common with most men,
1051
01:17:30,979 --> 01:17:34,274
I want to have my cookie and ignore it.
1052
01:17:34,525 --> 01:17:36,985
That was rather witty, I thought.
1053
01:17:38,320 --> 01:17:40,489
And what have we here, sir?
1054
01:17:40,823 --> 01:17:43,283
It's just an old dressing up basket.
That's all.
1055
01:17:43,450 --> 01:17:49,038
A traditionaI place of concealment,
I'm sure you'll agree.
1056
01:17:49,747 --> 01:17:52,583
Only of the identity, Inspector.
1057
01:17:54,085 --> 01:17:56,254
In a game.
1058
01:17:56,379 --> 01:17:58,089
Shall we go?
1059
01:18:00,842 --> 01:18:03,427
- Shall we go?
- Yes, sir.
1060
01:18:03,553 --> 01:18:05,138
Coming.
1061
01:18:10,059 --> 01:18:13,729
Anyway, I thought I'd teach
young master Tindle a lesson
1062
01:18:13,855 --> 01:18:16,607
for his presumption.
Test his mettle, as it were.
1063
01:18:16,732 --> 01:18:18,985
You may not agree with this, Inspector,
but you take it from me.
1064
01:18:19,110 --> 01:18:21,945
The shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
1065
01:18:22,070 --> 01:18:25,407
You soon find out what he's made of.
1066
01:18:25,532 --> 01:18:29,077
And how did you plan
to go about this humiliation, sir?
1067
01:18:29,202 --> 01:18:33,331
To begin with, by convincing him that
as my wife has expensive tastes,
1068
01:18:33,456 --> 01:18:35,084
and he was virtually a pauper,
1069
01:18:35,209 --> 01:18:39,965
he could solve that problem
by stealing some valuable jewellery,
1070
01:18:40,090 --> 01:18:42,968
which I had in my safe.
1071
01:18:46,680 --> 01:18:50,601
I further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
1072
01:18:50,726 --> 01:18:52,352
Appropriately enough, he chose,
1073
01:18:52,478 --> 01:18:55,022
out of that basket you examined,
the costume of a clown.
1074
01:18:55,147 --> 01:18:59,984
In that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
1075
01:19:01,777 --> 01:19:04,530
The jewels were in this box.
1076
01:19:10,036 --> 01:19:12,538
Good thinking, Inspector.
1077
01:19:17,585 --> 01:19:20,129
- Bravo.
- And where are they now, sir?
1078
01:19:20,254 --> 01:19:22,381
I put them in the bank, yesterday.
1079
01:19:22,507 --> 01:19:24,884
- On a Saturday?
- Yes, Inspector, on a Saturday.
1080
01:19:25,009 --> 01:19:27,512
I drove over to Salisbury
and I put them in the night safe.
1081
01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:29,889
How very provident, sir.
1082
01:19:30,014 --> 01:19:33,391
May I ask what you did
after he blew the safe open?
1083
01:19:33,517 --> 01:19:35,227
Tindle pocketed the jewels.
1084
01:19:35,352 --> 01:19:38,313
We struggled convincingly
around the house as part of the game,
1085
01:19:38,438 --> 01:19:41,733
and he was about to make off,
when I turned nasty and revealed
1086
01:19:41,858 --> 01:19:43,485
the true purpose of the evening.
1087
01:19:43,610 --> 01:19:45,654
This was, of course,
that I had manoeuvred him
1088
01:19:45,779 --> 01:19:48,865
into a position where, by pretending
to mistake him for a burglar,
1089
01:19:48,990 --> 01:19:52,245
I could legitimately shoot him.
1090
01:19:52,370 --> 01:19:56,874
When you revealed your intentions, sir,
1091
01:19:56,999 --> 01:19:59,210
what was Mr Tindle's reaction?
1092
01:19:59,335 --> 01:20:00,586
Electrifying!
1093
01:20:00,711 --> 01:20:02,630
He swallowed my story,
hook, line and sinker.
1094
01:20:02,755 --> 01:20:05,216
He fell to his knees
and pleaded for his life,
1095
01:20:05,341 --> 01:20:08,426
but I was implacable.
I put the gun against his head
1096
01:20:08,552 --> 01:20:11,179
and shot him
1097
01:20:11,388 --> 01:20:14,141
with a blank cartridge.
1098
01:20:17,394 --> 01:20:20,856
You shot Mr Tindle
with a blank cartridge, sir?
1099
01:20:20,981 --> 01:20:22,899
Fainted, dead away.
1100
01:20:23,024 --> 01:20:24,901
So my game was over.
1101
01:20:25,110 --> 01:20:27,988
It was a most gratifying one.
1102
01:20:28,196 --> 01:20:33,577
You actually put a gun to his head
and pulled the trigger
1103
01:20:33,702 --> 01:20:36,079
as a game?
1104
01:20:36,288 --> 01:20:39,374
Call it his initiation test, if you like.
1105
01:20:39,583 --> 01:20:41,835
He came here aping the gentry,
1106
01:20:41,960 --> 01:20:43,878
hoping for acceptance,
but he had to be taught.
1107
01:20:44,003 --> 01:20:47,339
You don't join just like that.
1108
01:20:47,465 --> 01:20:52,636
There's such a thing as breeding!
The quality that breeding brings.
1109
01:20:52,761 --> 01:20:54,930
It cannot be acquired.
1110
01:20:55,055 --> 01:20:57,141
Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
1111
01:20:57,266 --> 01:20:59,477
He may well have done, sir,
1112
01:20:59,602 --> 01:21:03,690
but he also must have been put
in fear of his life.
1113
01:21:04,983 --> 01:21:09,321
Such irresponsible action
warrants a serious charge of assault.
1114
01:21:09,988 --> 01:21:12,324
I suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder
1115
01:21:12,449 --> 01:21:14,743
you were contemplating
a few minutes ago.
1116
01:21:14,910 --> 01:21:16,536
I still am contemplating it, sir.
1117
01:21:16,661 --> 01:21:18,830
Come now, Inspector,
I told you what happened.
1118
01:21:18,955 --> 01:21:20,623
After a few minutes,
he came to his senses,
1119
01:21:20,748 --> 01:21:23,083
realised shrewdly
that he wasn't dead after all,
1120
01:21:23,209 --> 01:21:27,004
and after only a few too many brandies,
lurched off home.
1121
01:21:27,213 --> 01:21:30,883
I'm sorry you appear
to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke.
1122
01:21:32,218 --> 01:21:35,221
We may not take
quite the same attitude.
1123
01:21:36,222 --> 01:21:38,057
Now, look here.
1124
01:21:39,391 --> 01:21:41,310
Why can't you see this
from my point of view?
1125
01:21:41,435 --> 01:21:44,814
In a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he?
1126
01:21:44,939 --> 01:21:47,441
Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir?
1127
01:21:47,566 --> 01:21:49,860
Of course not. Don't you see?
It was a game.
1128
01:21:49,985 --> 01:21:52,822
- Just a bloody game.
- Bloody indeed, sir.
1129
01:21:52,947 --> 01:21:55,490
I achieved what I set out to do,
and that was all.
1130
01:21:55,615 --> 01:21:56,950
You may well
have achieved murder, sir.
1131
01:21:57,075 --> 01:21:58,868
- No.
- I believe so, sir.
1132
01:21:59,077 --> 01:22:01,746
No, I told you everything that happened.
1133
01:22:01,871 --> 01:22:03,748
Would you mind
if I had a look around, sir?
1134
01:22:03,873 --> 01:22:05,875
CrawI about on all fours, if you like.
1135
01:22:06,000 --> 01:22:08,586
Get out your envelope
and imprison hairs.
1136
01:22:08,711 --> 01:22:11,965
Gather ye blunt instruments
while ye may.
1137
01:22:17,721 --> 01:22:22,143
Now, I ask myself,
if I wanted to conceaI Tindle's body,
1138
01:22:22,268 --> 01:22:25,479
where would I put it?
1139
01:22:25,604 --> 01:22:29,942
In my good friend,
Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor.
1140
01:22:49,377 --> 01:22:52,046
Very amusing, sir.
1141
01:22:52,172 --> 01:22:53,965
May I ask how you did that?
1142
01:22:54,090 --> 01:22:56,926
No.
Jolly Jack and I have our little secret.
1143
01:22:57,135 --> 01:23:01,598
Then may I ask
how you made those holes in the wall?
1144
01:23:01,723 --> 01:23:03,641
That one over there.
1145
01:23:03,766 --> 01:23:06,144
And this one over here.
1146
01:23:08,395 --> 01:23:12,483
- They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
- Quite right, Inspector.
1147
01:23:12,608 --> 01:23:13,734
So they are.
1148
01:23:13,859 --> 01:23:17,863
I understood you, sir,
say that you used a blank.
1149
01:23:18,113 --> 01:23:22,075
Two live bullets to set up the trick
and one blank to complete it.
1150
01:23:22,201 --> 01:23:24,203
I had to persuade Tindle
I was in earnest.
1151
01:23:24,369 --> 01:23:25,830
I see, sir.
1152
01:23:25,997 --> 01:23:27,415
One blank.
1153
01:23:27,582 --> 01:23:29,250
Then would you
just show me please, sir,
1154
01:23:29,375 --> 01:23:32,295
where Mr Tindle was
when you killed him?
1155
01:23:33,755 --> 01:23:37,050
- Pretended to kill him, you mean.
- Quite so.
1156
01:23:37,258 --> 01:23:41,221
Then would you show me exactly
where he was when the bullet hit him?
1157
01:23:41,346 --> 01:23:44,807
I keep telling you,
it was not a reaI bullet.
1158
01:23:45,015 --> 01:23:47,726
So you do, sir. So you do.
1159
01:23:47,976 --> 01:23:53,232
Very well, then. Where was he
when the blank cartridge was fired?
1160
01:23:53,398 --> 01:23:55,943
He was standing,
or I should say kneeling,
1161
01:23:56,068 --> 01:23:59,530
or, more accurately, cowering here.
1162
01:24:05,829 --> 01:24:07,872
About here you say, sir?
1163
01:24:07,997 --> 01:24:10,166
Two steps down.
1164
01:24:12,335 --> 01:24:13,419
That's it.
1165
01:24:13,545 --> 01:24:16,297
Were you close to Mr Tindle
when you fired the gun?
1166
01:24:16,422 --> 01:24:19,883
Very. I was standing over him, in fact,
with the gun against his head.
1167
01:24:20,008 --> 01:24:22,344
You see,
it was the actuaI feeI of the gun,
1168
01:24:22,469 --> 01:24:26,390
coupled with the noise
of the explosion that did the trick.
1169
01:24:40,196 --> 01:24:43,658
The traditionaI tooI
of your trade, Inspector?
1170
01:25:25,532 --> 01:25:27,659
Joke blood, sir?
1171
01:25:30,870 --> 01:25:33,164
I don't think I quite follow, Inspector.
1172
01:25:33,289 --> 01:25:36,459
Here. On the banisters,
1173
01:25:36,584 --> 01:25:39,337
and underneath the carpet.
1174
01:25:44,133 --> 01:25:47,762
- It's dry blood, sir.
- Blood?
1175
01:25:47,887 --> 01:25:49,681
Where?
1176
01:25:56,480 --> 01:25:58,816
Don't touch it.
1177
01:25:58,941 --> 01:26:01,151
That's dried blood, all right.
1178
01:26:01,276 --> 01:26:03,195
Some more, over here.
1179
01:26:03,320 --> 01:26:06,031
Someone's been rubbing the carpet,
you see that?
1180
01:26:06,156 --> 01:26:07,490
Deep in the pile.
1181
01:26:08,157 --> 01:26:10,118
That's blood, sir.
1182
01:26:12,537 --> 01:26:14,539
It's still damp.
1183
01:26:15,790 --> 01:26:18,876
Will you explain to me
how that got there?
1184
01:26:19,001 --> 01:26:21,045
I have no idea.
1185
01:26:21,170 --> 01:26:24,715
Tindle wasn't wounded
or hurt in any way.
1186
01:26:24,841 --> 01:26:26,926
You must believe me.
1187
01:26:28,803 --> 01:26:33,182
With reaI bullets and reaI blood?
1188
01:26:33,307 --> 01:26:38,020
Isn't it about time
we stopped talking about games, sir?
1189
01:26:38,146 --> 01:26:40,273
Look! Look at the window.
1190
01:26:40,398 --> 01:26:44,067
There, you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
1191
01:26:44,192 --> 01:26:47,195
And down there, the imprint
of the ladder in the flower bed
1192
01:26:47,320 --> 01:26:51,158
and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
1193
01:26:51,283 --> 01:26:52,492
Look, I can show you.
1194
01:26:52,617 --> 01:26:55,454
Over the years my eyes
have been adequately trained
1195
01:26:55,579 --> 01:26:58,081
- to see things for themselves, sir.
- I'm sure they have, Inspector.
1196
01:26:58,206 --> 01:27:02,044
I'm just trying to point out a few facts
to substantiate my story.
1197
01:27:02,170 --> 01:27:05,756
Like the blown safe
I showed you in the study
1198
01:27:05,882 --> 01:27:09,177
and like the dressing up basket
you found in the cellar.
1199
01:27:09,302 --> 01:27:13,973
You say that Mr Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
1200
01:27:14,098 --> 01:27:17,810
I saw no such costume in that basket,
1201
01:27:17,935 --> 01:27:21,521
nor have you pointed out
that mound of earth in the garden,
1202
01:27:21,646 --> 01:27:25,192
- have you, sir?
- Mound of earth?
1203
01:27:27,486 --> 01:27:29,613
What mound of earth?
1204
01:27:29,738 --> 01:27:32,866
That one over by the far wall.
1205
01:27:32,991 --> 01:27:35,285
In the shade of that cedar tree.
1206
01:27:35,410 --> 01:27:39,581
- I can't see anything.
- Well, it's there, all right.
1207
01:27:39,706 --> 01:27:43,335
I saw it before I rang your bell.
1208
01:27:43,460 --> 01:27:46,713
I think we'd better go
and have a look at it.
1209
01:27:58,599 --> 01:28:00,601
Together, sir.
1210
01:28:21,706 --> 01:28:22,999
Here we are, sir.
1211
01:28:23,125 --> 01:28:27,879
Now, would you say
that had been freshly dug, sir?
1212
01:28:28,004 --> 01:28:29,047
How do I know?
1213
01:28:29,172 --> 01:28:31,549
It's probably something
the gardener's been doing. Ask him.
1214
01:28:31,674 --> 01:28:33,551
You'll find him somewhere,
maundering about,
1215
01:28:33,676 --> 01:28:36,846
aching for an opportunity
to slander his employer. They all do.
1216
01:28:36,971 --> 01:28:39,640
For my part, I've always found
1217
01:28:39,765 --> 01:28:42,518
that gardeners make
excellent witnesses.
1218
01:28:42,643 --> 01:28:45,980
They're slow,
they're methodicaI, and they're positive.
1219
01:28:46,105 --> 01:28:49,191
Inspector, I've had just
about enough of this farce.
1220
01:28:49,316 --> 01:28:53,612
Do you really think I'd be fooI enough
to bury Tindle out here, in the garden,
1221
01:28:53,737 --> 01:28:56,866
leaving all that newly turned earth
for everyone to find?
1222
01:28:56,991 --> 01:28:59,452
If you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
1223
01:28:59,577 --> 01:29:00,911
In a couple of weeks,
1224
01:29:01,036 --> 01:29:03,998
with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs,
1225
01:29:04,123 --> 01:29:07,709
it'd be very difficult
to tell it had ever been disturbed.
1226
01:29:07,834 --> 01:29:11,296
We in the police force
know just how fond murderers are
1227
01:29:11,421 --> 01:29:13,339
of their back gardens, sir.
1228
01:29:13,465 --> 01:29:15,717
One's as near a murderer's heart
in the garden
1229
01:29:15,842 --> 01:29:18,470
as anywhere else on earth, Inspector?
1230
01:29:18,595 --> 01:29:20,346
Excepting the bedroom, sir.
1231
01:29:20,472 --> 01:29:23,893
I think you'll find that's still the favourite.
1232
01:29:47,917 --> 01:29:51,253
There's no mistaking
whose room this is, sir?
1233
01:29:57,885 --> 01:29:59,970
My wife showers.
1234
01:30:00,095 --> 01:30:01,847
I bathe.
1235
01:30:34,087 --> 01:30:38,259
Clothing all screwed up
on the floor of the wardrobe.
1236
01:30:38,384 --> 01:30:40,678
That's not like you, sir.
1237
01:30:42,388 --> 01:30:46,809
Here's an interesting monogram. I W.
1238
01:30:46,934 --> 01:30:49,812
Or have I got this the wrong way up?
1239
01:30:54,941 --> 01:30:56,818
Let me see that.
1240
01:31:01,156 --> 01:31:05,285
Made by Owen and Tancredi
of Percy Street.
1241
01:31:05,452 --> 01:31:09,247
For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12.
1242
01:31:10,081 --> 01:31:11,458
Tell me, sir.
1243
01:31:11,583 --> 01:31:15,211
When Mr Tindle lurched off,
as you put it,
1244
01:31:15,336 --> 01:31:18,214
did he lurch naked?
1245
01:31:18,339 --> 01:31:22,343
And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village?
1246
01:31:22,469 --> 01:31:25,263
He changed back
before he left into these clothes.
1247
01:31:25,388 --> 01:31:28,266
Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle
1248
01:31:28,391 --> 01:31:31,268
changed into the clown's costume
in the cellar?
1249
01:31:31,393 --> 01:31:33,270
- Yes.
- Another part
1250
01:31:33,395 --> 01:31:36,815
of the humiliation process, I suppose.
1251
01:31:36,940 --> 01:31:40,777
Then someone must have
carried his clothing up from the cellar,
1252
01:31:40,903 --> 01:31:42,404
and placed them in this wardrobe.
1253
01:31:42,529 --> 01:31:44,990
- I did.
- Why?
1254
01:31:45,115 --> 01:31:47,243
Because I thought they'd be better off
in a wardrobe
1255
01:31:47,368 --> 01:31:50,663
than a dusty old cellar.
More convenient.
1256
01:31:50,789 --> 01:31:53,708
All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe? Why?
1257
01:31:53,833 --> 01:31:56,085
I didn't think it wouldn't be long before
he'd be changing back.
1258
01:31:56,211 --> 01:32:00,089
- It's all so baffling.
- Not at all, sir.
1259
01:32:01,216 --> 01:32:04,344
You threw those clothes
on the floor of the wardrobe
1260
01:32:04,469 --> 01:32:08,430
because you knew that Mr Tindle
would not be needing them again.
1261
01:32:08,555 --> 01:32:10,849
Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it?
1262
01:32:10,974 --> 01:32:15,354
He changed back before he left
and wore them when he went away.
1263
01:32:15,479 --> 01:32:17,940
I think you started this
1264
01:32:18,065 --> 01:32:20,776
exactly as you say you did.
1265
01:32:20,901 --> 01:32:25,989
As a game, in order to play
a diabolicaI trick on Mr Tindle,
1266
01:32:26,115 --> 01:32:27,491
but that it went wrong.
1267
01:32:27,616 --> 01:32:31,203
Your third shot was not a blank
as you had supposed,
1268
01:32:31,328 --> 01:32:34,373
but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle
1269
01:32:34,498 --> 01:32:36,458
stone dead!
1270
01:32:36,583 --> 01:32:40,878
Spattering blood
on the banisters in the process.
1271
01:32:41,003 --> 01:32:44,882
Then, when you realised
what you'd done,
1272
01:32:45,007 --> 01:32:46,551
you simply panicked,
1273
01:32:46,676 --> 01:32:48,845
like a thousand murderers before you,
1274
01:32:48,970 --> 01:32:52,515
and buried the corpse in the garden.
1275
01:32:52,640 --> 01:32:54,308
It was very silly of you
1276
01:32:54,433 --> 01:32:57,228
not to clean the blood
properly off the banisters
1277
01:32:57,353 --> 01:33:01,150
- and burn his clothes.
- I swear, Tindle left here alive!
1278
01:33:01,275 --> 01:33:03,777
At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
1279
01:33:03,902 --> 01:33:05,904
you had better tell that to the judge.
1280
01:33:06,029 --> 01:33:07,948
Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
1281
01:33:08,073 --> 01:33:09,491
If you think Tindle's out in the garden,
1282
01:33:09,616 --> 01:33:11,827
for Christ's sake,
why don't you go dig him up?
1283
01:33:12,035 --> 01:33:13,704
We don't need to find him, sir.
1284
01:33:13,829 --> 01:33:16,873
If Mr Tindle is not beneath
that newly turned earth,
1285
01:33:16,998 --> 01:33:19,584
it would merely go to indicate
that in your panic
1286
01:33:19,709 --> 01:33:21,377
you first thought of putting him there,
1287
01:33:21,502 --> 01:33:23,796
changed your mind
and buried him somewhere else.
1288
01:33:23,921 --> 01:33:26,090
- Where?
- That's not important, sir.
1289
01:33:26,215 --> 01:33:27,925
He'll turn up, sooner or later.
1290
01:33:28,050 --> 01:33:31,179
And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
1291
01:33:31,304 --> 01:33:34,140
We have your note
summoning Mr Tindle here.
1292
01:33:34,265 --> 01:33:37,101
Shots were heard, bullet holes made.
1293
01:33:37,226 --> 01:33:39,645
Blood is on the banisters
and the carpet.
1294
01:33:39,770 --> 01:33:41,564
His clothes
were hidden in your wardrobe,
1295
01:33:41,689 --> 01:33:44,609
and he had disappeared.
1296
01:33:44,734 --> 01:33:46,819
Who needs a body?
1297
01:33:47,987 --> 01:33:49,363
Sir.
1298
01:33:50,823 --> 01:33:52,200
Come along, then.
1299
01:33:52,325 --> 01:33:55,118
- It's time to go, sir.
- No. I can't believe it...
1300
01:33:55,243 --> 01:33:58,997
I'm afraid, sir, that I must insist.
1301
01:33:59,122 --> 01:34:00,707
There is a police car
at the end of the driveway.
1302
01:34:00,832 --> 01:34:03,460
I don't care if there's
a fleet of police cars,
1303
01:34:03,585 --> 01:34:05,879
I'm not bloody well going!
1304
01:34:18,935 --> 01:34:21,020
Now, let's have no...
1305
01:34:21,145 --> 01:34:23,940
- Please, don't make it difficult.
- Christ, you're hurting my arm!
1306
01:34:24,065 --> 01:34:27,360
Really, you give me no alternative, sir.
If you'll just cooperate.
1307
01:34:27,485 --> 01:34:29,611
Let me get my lawyer. It's my right!
1308
01:34:29,736 --> 01:34:32,072
We can make a call
from the police station.
1309
01:34:32,197 --> 01:34:35,867
We wouldn't want
to do anything unconstitutionaI.
1310
01:34:35,992 --> 01:34:39,079
Come now, sir. Don't despair.
1311
01:34:39,204 --> 01:34:42,624
You may get off
with as little as seven years.
1312
01:34:42,749 --> 01:34:44,417
Seven years!
1313
01:34:44,543 --> 01:34:48,797
Seven years to regret
the playing of silly games
1314
01:34:48,922 --> 01:34:51,591
- that go wrong.
- Spare me the sermon if you don't mind!
1315
01:34:51,716 --> 01:34:54,261
It didn't go wrong,
it all went bloody well right.
1316
01:34:54,386 --> 01:34:56,263
You think so, do you, sir?
1317
01:34:58,140 --> 01:35:01,434
We reaI life policemen are not as stupid
1318
01:35:01,560 --> 01:35:06,355
as we are sometimes portrayed
by writers like yourself.
1319
01:35:06,480 --> 01:35:08,566
We may not have our monocles,
1320
01:35:08,691 --> 01:35:14,406
or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers
or our shoveI hats,
1321
01:35:14,614 --> 01:35:19,035
but we are reasonably effective,
for all that, sir.
1322
01:35:19,161 --> 01:35:22,748
You seem to know a hell of a lot
about detective stories, Inspector.
1323
01:35:22,874 --> 01:35:26,878
Yes, I have read quite a few
in my time, sir.
1324
01:35:27,211 --> 01:35:32,967
And in recent years, I have come
to believe that the detective story
1325
01:35:33,092 --> 01:35:36,137
is the normaI recreation
of noble minds, sir.
1326
01:35:36,262 --> 01:35:39,182
Who or what the hell are you?
1327
01:35:44,561 --> 01:35:49,524
Detective Inspector Doppler, sir.
1328
01:35:52,486 --> 01:35:56,364
It is spelt like "doppel",
1329
01:35:56,490 --> 01:36:02,204
which, as I'm sure you know,
means "double",
1330
01:36:03,830 --> 01:36:05,248
in German.
1331
01:36:06,875 --> 01:36:12,172
And for those whose minds
run to these things,
1332
01:36:14,007 --> 01:36:17,676
it is virtually an anagram
1333
01:36:18,511 --> 01:36:19,970
of the word
1334
01:36:20,513 --> 01:36:21,847
"plodder".
1335
01:36:23,766 --> 01:36:26,143
So
1336
01:36:26,268 --> 01:36:28,813
Inspector Plodder
1337
01:36:29,855 --> 01:36:31,565
becomes
1338
01:36:31,690 --> 01:36:34,528
Inspector Doppler,
1339
01:36:37,531 --> 01:36:40,575
if you see what I mean,
1340
01:36:45,372 --> 01:36:46,414
sir.
1341
01:36:51,795 --> 01:36:53,170
Milo!
1342
01:36:54,088 --> 01:36:55,464
The same.
1343
01:36:56,423 --> 01:36:58,175
You shit.
1344
01:37:04,098 --> 01:37:09,436
You all-time, knock-down,
champion bastard, Milo.
1345
01:37:10,396 --> 01:37:12,022
You're too kind.
1346
01:37:20,448 --> 01:37:23,993
I'm not saying it wasn't well done,
it was extremely.
1347
01:37:24,118 --> 01:37:27,705
Yes, well, the thing was brilliant.
1348
01:37:27,871 --> 01:37:31,332
Incidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
1349
01:37:35,545 --> 01:37:37,547
Now he knows I'm funny.
1350
01:37:37,881 --> 01:37:39,883
Do have a drink, Milo.
1351
01:37:40,550 --> 01:37:42,218
I'm sorry. Do help yourself.
1352
01:37:42,343 --> 01:37:45,555
I'll have a wash first.
I'm covered in makeup and spirit gum.
1353
01:37:45,680 --> 01:37:49,852
- Of course, use the kitchen.
- No, I prefer the master bathroom.
1354
01:38:00,112 --> 01:38:02,615
Your very good health, sir.
1355
01:38:22,926 --> 01:38:26,971
I must say,
I must congratulate you, Milo.
1356
01:38:27,096 --> 01:38:28,890
It was first class.
1357
01:38:29,724 --> 01:38:33,061
You sure had me going there
for a while.
1358
01:38:33,186 --> 01:38:34,604
For a while?
1359
01:38:39,691 --> 01:38:42,528
Well, it was quite a while, I concede.
1360
01:38:42,653 --> 01:38:45,155
But I got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know?
1361
01:38:45,280 --> 01:38:48,659
You did go on a bit, I thought.
1362
01:39:01,673 --> 01:39:04,467
What did you think of my performance?
1363
01:39:04,676 --> 01:39:08,930
The anguish of the innocent man
trapped by circumstantiaI evidence.
1364
01:39:09,222 --> 01:39:12,350
- It wasn't a performance.
- Of course it was.
1365
01:39:12,475 --> 01:39:14,477
I had to be convincing.
1366
01:39:14,602 --> 01:39:16,645
Apparently I succeeded.
1367
01:39:17,229 --> 01:39:20,774
You just don't know how to lose at all,
do you, Andrew?
1368
01:39:21,233 --> 01:39:23,986
All that crap you gave old Doppler
1369
01:39:24,111 --> 01:39:26,321
about the gentry losing gracefully.
1370
01:39:26,447 --> 01:39:28,240
Jesus!
1371
01:39:28,365 --> 01:39:32,578
I told you, you did well.
It was really good.
1372
01:39:32,870 --> 01:39:35,289
I loved your Inspector Doppler.
1373
01:39:35,414 --> 01:39:39,626
I'm glad you view the trifling
masquerade in that light, sir.
1374
01:39:39,751 --> 01:39:42,212
Your makeup was damned good.
First class.
1375
01:39:42,337 --> 01:39:46,758
- You didn't do that yourself, did you?
- I am a hair dresser, don't forget.
1376
01:39:46,967 --> 01:39:50,387
I do have friends in the arts.
1377
01:39:52,597 --> 01:39:56,058
I suppose you sneaked...
Slipped in here yesterday
1378
01:39:56,184 --> 01:39:58,561
- while I was in Salisbury.
- Yes.
1379
01:39:58,686 --> 01:40:01,439
Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe
1380
01:40:01,564 --> 01:40:05,693
and sprinkled a little sacrificiaI
blood onto the banisters.
1381
01:40:05,818 --> 01:40:09,740
It wasn't my blood,
I know you'll be relieved to hear.
1382
01:40:09,948 --> 01:40:12,242
I got it from a pig's liver.
1383
01:40:12,659 --> 01:40:15,704
Thought you could've used
almost any dago wine.
1384
01:40:15,829 --> 01:40:17,372
I'll have that drink now.
1385
01:40:17,498 --> 01:40:19,166
- Of course.
- Gin and tonic, I think.
1386
01:40:19,291 --> 01:40:22,336
Well, you richly deserve it,
my dear fellow. Come along.
1387
01:40:25,839 --> 01:40:31,010
You know, I haven't congratulated you
yet on your game.
1388
01:40:32,220 --> 01:40:35,473
- It was jolly good.
- You really think so? Good.
1389
01:40:35,598 --> 01:40:37,892
Must say I was rather
delighted with it myself.
1390
01:40:38,017 --> 01:40:39,393
I say,
1391
01:40:39,519 --> 01:40:43,565
did you really think
your last moment on earth had come?
1392
01:40:43,899 --> 01:40:45,067
Yes.
1393
01:40:45,567 --> 01:40:47,694
You're not cross, are you?
1394
01:40:49,071 --> 01:40:50,239
Cross?
1395
01:40:50,405 --> 01:40:52,241
I don't understand.
1396
01:40:52,366 --> 01:40:54,326
That's one of your words.
1397
01:40:54,576 --> 01:40:58,413
Look, as I explained to you
when you were playing Doppler,
1398
01:40:58,539 --> 01:41:02,209
I had to test your mettle to see if,
as I suspected,
1399
01:41:02,334 --> 01:41:04,919
you really were my sort of person.
1400
01:41:05,795 --> 01:41:08,840
- The games playing sort of person?
- Exactly.
1401
01:41:09,882 --> 01:41:12,927
- And am I?
- There's no question about it.
1402
01:41:13,386 --> 01:41:17,056
Compare your experience
this weekend, my dear Milo,
1403
01:41:17,181 --> 01:41:19,058
with any other moments in your life.
1404
01:41:19,183 --> 01:41:21,061
Now if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit
1405
01:41:21,186 --> 01:41:25,190
that you lived more intensely
in my company than in anybody else's,
1406
01:41:25,315 --> 01:41:27,401
not even with Marguerite.
1407
01:41:27,526 --> 01:41:30,988
Now, we know what it is to play a game,
1408
01:41:31,697 --> 01:41:33,115
you and I.
1409
01:41:33,657 --> 01:41:35,242
That's so rare.
1410
01:41:35,701 --> 01:41:39,120
Two people brought together,
equally matched,
1411
01:41:39,620 --> 01:41:42,957
having the courage and the talents
1412
01:41:43,082 --> 01:41:45,835
to make of life a continuing charade
1413
01:41:45,960 --> 01:41:50,089
of bright fancies, happy invention.
1414
01:41:50,548 --> 01:41:53,468
To face out its emptiness
1415
01:41:54,510 --> 01:41:58,973
and its terrors by playing.
1416
01:41:59,557 --> 01:42:02,643
By just playing.
1417
01:42:04,020 --> 01:42:05,354
Haven't you forgotten
1418
01:42:05,480 --> 01:42:08,608
the jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place?
1419
01:42:09,942 --> 01:42:13,029
We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
1420
01:42:13,196 --> 01:42:14,363
In mine,
1421
01:42:14,489 --> 01:42:18,575
there was no time for bright fancies
and happy inventions.
1422
01:42:19,075 --> 01:42:20,869
No stopping for tea.
1423
01:42:22,120 --> 01:42:25,540
The only game we played
was to survive.
1424
01:42:26,208 --> 01:42:27,834
Or go to the wall.
1425
01:42:28,460 --> 01:42:30,962
If you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
1426
01:42:31,087 --> 01:42:32,799
Loser, lose all.
1427
01:42:36,552 --> 01:42:38,429
You probably don't understand that.
1428
01:42:38,554 --> 01:42:41,766
Understand or not,
nothing you've said disproves my point.
1429
01:42:41,891 --> 01:42:43,684
Look at the way
you chose to get back at me
1430
01:42:43,810 --> 01:42:46,145
by playing Inspector Doppler.
1431
01:42:46,813 --> 01:42:48,356
Simple revenge.
1432
01:42:48,898 --> 01:42:50,732
Paying back in kind.
1433
01:42:52,734 --> 01:42:54,111
Every wop knows about that.
1434
01:42:54,236 --> 01:42:58,156
Well, is honour satisfied?
Score even? One set all?
1435
01:42:58,281 --> 01:42:59,366
Honour?
1436
01:43:02,536 --> 01:43:05,288
That's another one of your words.
1437
01:43:05,831 --> 01:43:08,166
I know
1438
01:43:08,291 --> 01:43:12,629
that you stripped me more than naked.
1439
01:43:12,754 --> 01:43:18,760
I know
that you actually terrified me to death.
1440
01:43:20,428 --> 01:43:23,557
I stood on those stairs, looking down,
1441
01:43:23,682 --> 01:43:27,476
and realising
that my coat sleeve button,
1442
01:43:27,601 --> 01:43:29,145
the banister,
1443
01:43:29,645 --> 01:43:32,648
the naiI on my fourth finger
1444
01:43:32,982 --> 01:43:38,237
were absolutely the last things
I was gonna see. Ever.
1445
01:43:39,864 --> 01:43:44,243
Then, I heard the sound
1446
01:43:44,368 --> 01:43:46,079
of my own death.
1447
01:43:46,455 --> 01:43:48,748
Now, that changes you, Andrew.
1448
01:43:48,874 --> 01:43:50,333
Believe me.
1449
01:43:50,459 --> 01:43:52,627
And I still owe you for that.
1450
01:43:52,752 --> 01:43:54,504
It'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow.
1451
01:43:54,629 --> 01:43:57,174
- Here, let me give you another...
- I don't want
1452
01:43:57,299 --> 01:43:58,758
an even score.
1453
01:43:58,884 --> 01:44:01,011
And don't you give me any of that
"one set all",
1454
01:44:01,136 --> 01:44:03,804
or "The game's the thing,
it's enough to take part" crap.
1455
01:44:06,140 --> 01:44:08,267
My father just took part,
1456
01:44:08,601 --> 01:44:10,144
and his father,
1457
01:44:10,436 --> 01:44:11,937
and his father.
1458
01:44:12,062 --> 01:44:15,858
Losers! As far back as you can go.
1459
01:44:17,109 --> 01:44:19,069
Well, it stops with me!
1460
01:44:19,528 --> 01:44:22,114
With me, the Tindles start winning!
1461
01:44:23,824 --> 01:44:26,368
And others start losing.
1462
01:44:30,664 --> 01:44:32,833
You, for example.
1463
01:44:33,959 --> 01:44:35,002
Me?
1464
01:44:36,045 --> 01:44:37,963
- Lose what?
- A new game.
1465
01:44:38,505 --> 01:44:42,008
My kind. My rules, played my way.
1466
01:44:42,717 --> 01:44:44,219
And to start it,
1467
01:44:44,511 --> 01:44:46,513
I have killed someone.
1468
01:44:47,263 --> 01:44:48,807
You've killed someone.
1469
01:44:49,182 --> 01:44:51,434
Murdered someone. Committed murder.
1470
01:44:51,559 --> 01:44:53,311
You're not serious?
1471
01:44:54,312 --> 01:44:55,522
Deadly.
1472
01:44:56,148 --> 01:44:57,900
It's a reaI game
1473
01:44:58,109 --> 01:44:59,819
and a reaI murder.
1474
01:45:00,444 --> 01:45:05,282
There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game, isn't that right?
1475
01:45:05,407 --> 01:45:08,911
- Absolutely not.
- We're past pretending now.
1476
01:45:09,745 --> 01:45:12,039
We'll leave that to the amateurs.
1477
01:45:12,164 --> 01:45:13,999
The gentlemen players, like you.
1478
01:45:14,290 --> 01:45:16,709
Look, Milo. I think perhaps another time.
1479
01:45:16,835 --> 01:45:20,713
- It can't wait!
- All right, all right.
1480
01:45:20,839 --> 01:45:22,715
We'll play your game.
1481
01:45:23,007 --> 01:45:24,884
Now whom did you kill?
1482
01:45:25,844 --> 01:45:28,054
Whom? Whom?
1483
01:45:29,139 --> 01:45:35,395
Who, besides yourself, is the closest
to being someone you care about?
1484
01:45:35,603 --> 01:45:38,523
Would it be your girlfriend, Tea?
1485
01:45:39,983 --> 01:45:41,359
Possibly.
1486
01:45:42,318 --> 01:45:43,403
Why?
1487
01:45:43,778 --> 01:45:45,238
She's the one.
1488
01:45:47,782 --> 01:45:49,451
You killed Tea?
1489
01:45:49,742 --> 01:45:55,497
She, whose cobalt eyes were
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
1490
01:45:56,457 --> 01:45:58,292
I closed them.
1491
01:46:00,377 --> 01:46:02,838
- You?
- Yes, I strangled her.
1492
01:46:03,881 --> 01:46:08,011
Right over there, on that rug,
I strangled her.
1493
01:46:08,303 --> 01:46:13,392
And, yes, I screwed her first.
1494
01:46:16,145 --> 01:46:18,689
You raped and strangled...
1495
01:46:18,814 --> 01:46:20,441
No, not rape.
1496
01:46:21,108 --> 01:46:22,985
She wanted it.
1497
01:46:23,110 --> 01:46:24,612
You're Iying.
1498
01:46:26,613 --> 01:46:29,199
You can't take me
with a crude game like this.
1499
01:46:29,324 --> 01:46:32,160
Honestly, Milo,
I gave you credit for better sport.
1500
01:46:32,285 --> 01:46:36,915
When I was here yesterday, planting
the blood and clothes for old Doppler,
1501
01:46:37,040 --> 01:46:40,001
Tea showed up looking for you,
1502
01:46:40,126 --> 01:46:42,003
so I pitched her a little woo,
1503
01:46:42,128 --> 01:46:45,673
as you would've said in your day,
and we danced cheek-to-cheek
1504
01:46:45,799 --> 01:46:48,885
to those cornball big band oldies
of yours.
1505
01:46:49,010 --> 01:46:51,262
I mean, who but you would have them?
1506
01:46:51,471 --> 01:46:53,556
Anyway, it worked.
1507
01:46:54,099 --> 01:46:57,227
She got itchy,
and I had to scratch, didn't I?
1508
01:46:57,560 --> 01:46:59,979
And afterwards, she got sleepy.
1509
01:47:00,105 --> 01:47:04,024
And that's when I did it, old boy.
I wrung her neck.
1510
01:47:05,692 --> 01:47:07,945
She was under
that freshly dug mound of earth
1511
01:47:08,070 --> 01:47:11,740
- that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
- Was? You mean, she's not now?
1512
01:47:11,865 --> 01:47:13,325
No, I moved her.
1513
01:47:13,450 --> 01:47:16,036
Where to? The flooded graveI pit?
1514
01:47:16,161 --> 01:47:20,458
- Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory?
- It doesn't matter where to.
1515
01:47:20,583 --> 01:47:23,503
The police will find her in due course,
if they haven't found her already.
1516
01:47:23,628 --> 01:47:24,712
The police?
1517
01:47:24,838 --> 01:47:27,340
Yes, I phoned them about an hour ago
1518
01:47:27,465 --> 01:47:30,552
and asked them
to meet me here at 10:00.
1519
01:47:30,677 --> 01:47:33,721
They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
1520
01:47:34,514 --> 01:47:36,683
I'm sure they will, too.
1521
01:47:36,808 --> 01:47:41,687
Led, no doubt,
by intrepid, downy Inspector Doppler.
1522
01:47:41,812 --> 01:47:44,398
Nope. It'll be a reaI cop, all right.
1523
01:47:44,606 --> 01:47:49,027
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
is his name. Check it, if you like.
1524
01:47:50,320 --> 01:47:52,865
I told him a lot about you, Andrew.
1525
01:47:52,990 --> 01:47:56,452
I said I knew you to be a man
obsessed with games playing
1526
01:47:56,577 --> 01:47:59,204
and murder considered as a fine art.
1527
01:47:59,329 --> 01:48:02,875
Your life's great ambition, I said,
of which you had often spoken,
1528
01:48:03,000 --> 01:48:05,878
was to commit
an actuaI, reaI-life murder,
1529
01:48:06,003 --> 01:48:09,047
hide the body, then leave clues
linking you with the crime
1530
01:48:09,173 --> 01:48:10,716
scattered about the house.
1531
01:48:10,841 --> 01:48:13,593
Convinced that the poor,
simple-minded police
1532
01:48:13,718 --> 01:48:16,804
would never recognise them
for what they were.
1533
01:48:16,929 --> 01:48:20,183
"Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest
untiI he's committed a reaI murder,
1534
01:48:20,308 --> 01:48:22,977
"which is gonna make fools
out of all you coppers. "
1535
01:48:23,102 --> 01:48:24,395
Honestly.
1536
01:48:24,771 --> 01:48:26,439
Tell that to the average desk sergeant,
1537
01:48:26,564 --> 01:48:30,568
and you'll find yourself strapped
straight into the giggle jacket.
1538
01:48:30,693 --> 01:48:32,404
Not so, in fact.
1539
01:48:32,696 --> 01:48:37,284
I told them that if they didn't believe me,
one look at your books
1540
01:48:37,409 --> 01:48:40,662
and the furnishings of your house
would confirm what I said
1541
01:48:40,788 --> 01:48:43,332
about your obsessions.
1542
01:48:50,087 --> 01:48:53,257
I also told them that two days ago
1543
01:48:53,382 --> 01:48:56,302
your girlfriend
came to my house in great distress,
1544
01:48:56,427 --> 01:48:59,722
saying that you suspected her
of having affairs with other men,
1545
01:48:59,847 --> 01:49:01,474
and threatened to kill her.
1546
01:49:01,599 --> 01:49:04,268
I bet they believed every word of that.
1547
01:49:04,393 --> 01:49:06,896
In the end, yes, they did.
1548
01:49:09,941 --> 01:49:12,193
My dear boy.
1549
01:49:12,944 --> 01:49:15,029
I do appreciate that
in spite of your denials
1550
01:49:15,154 --> 01:49:17,740
you've been captivated
by the spirit of games playing,
1551
01:49:17,865 --> 01:49:20,243
and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost,
1552
01:49:20,368 --> 01:49:24,372
but frankly, you are trying too hard
1553
01:49:24,497 --> 01:49:27,332
to be a big boy, too soon.
1554
01:49:36,800 --> 01:49:37,843
Hello.
1555
01:49:37,968 --> 01:49:40,887
Hello, Joyce? It's Andrew.
1556
01:49:41,012 --> 01:49:43,224
Can... Can I speak to Tea?
1557
01:49:46,602 --> 01:49:49,063
She... What?
1558
01:49:51,232 --> 01:49:53,151
Been strangled?
1559
01:49:55,778 --> 01:49:57,321
Where was this?
1560
01:49:58,072 --> 01:50:00,283
When was it?
1561
01:50:00,533 --> 01:50:02,242
Where was she found?
1562
01:50:02,534 --> 01:50:03,660
What?
1563
01:50:05,579 --> 01:50:06,872
Joyce.
1564
01:50:06,997 --> 01:50:08,623
I can't understand what you...
1565
01:50:08,748 --> 01:50:11,293
Look, do try to controI your...
1566
01:50:12,586 --> 01:50:13,712
What?
1567
01:50:15,130 --> 01:50:16,423
The police...
1568
01:50:17,299 --> 01:50:18,425
Asking...
1569
01:50:20,677 --> 01:50:21,887
Oh, my.
1570
01:50:29,144 --> 01:50:31,772
You should've believed me.
1571
01:50:31,897 --> 01:50:34,399
Now, we're gonna play the game.
1572
01:50:34,524 --> 01:50:38,944
In a little over 13 minutes
the law will arrive.
1573
01:50:39,236 --> 01:50:41,697
It's going to be your giant brain
1574
01:50:42,114 --> 01:50:44,408
against their plodding ones.
1575
01:50:44,533 --> 01:50:47,161
Concealed about this room
1576
01:50:47,286 --> 01:50:51,791
are four clues incriminating
you as Tea's murderer.
1577
01:50:52,541 --> 01:50:57,088
Including, as a finaI expression
of your contempt for the police,
1578
01:50:57,214 --> 01:50:59,257
the murder weapon itself.
1579
01:51:00,175 --> 01:51:01,927
Now, are you ready?
1580
01:51:04,596 --> 01:51:08,183
You can't make a game
out of reaI murder.
1581
01:51:08,391 --> 01:51:09,935
We'll see.
1582
01:51:10,060 --> 01:51:11,853
Now, remember,
1583
01:51:11,978 --> 01:51:13,312
four objects.
1584
01:51:13,437 --> 01:51:16,690
Those that you don't find,
be sure the police will.
1585
01:51:16,816 --> 01:51:19,485
And they're all in plain view.
1586
01:51:19,610 --> 01:51:22,238
And the first object is
1587
01:51:22,363 --> 01:51:24,281
a crystaI bracelet.
1588
01:51:25,699 --> 01:51:27,451
- The... What?
- Yes.
1589
01:51:28,119 --> 01:51:32,248
- I tore it off her wrist. It's inscribed...
- All right. All right!
1590
01:51:32,373 --> 01:51:34,458
I know how it's inscribed.
1591
01:52:13,498 --> 01:52:16,376
- Would you like some help?
- Yes. Damn you!
1592
01:52:16,585 --> 01:52:17,836
So soon?
1593
01:52:18,420 --> 01:52:20,630
Now, where's my list?
1594
01:52:20,755 --> 01:52:22,591
- Oh, God.
- Here it is.
1595
01:52:23,884 --> 01:52:26,093
"For any man with half an eye
1596
01:52:26,218 --> 01:52:29,096
"what stands before him he may spy
1597
01:52:29,221 --> 01:52:34,602
"but optics sharp it needs and keen
to see what is not to be seen. "
1598
01:52:34,727 --> 01:52:37,188
You said everything was in plain view!
1599
01:52:37,313 --> 01:52:39,565
Well, aren't I
the shifty old sly boots, then?
1600
01:52:39,690 --> 01:52:42,568
You're not giving me anything
of a chance, you bastard!
1601
01:52:42,693 --> 01:52:45,196
Now, think, think, think.
1602
01:52:45,321 --> 01:52:48,949
It's in plain view, yet not to be seen.
An opticaI trick's involved.
1603
01:52:49,074 --> 01:52:52,953
An opticaI...
A key to see what is not to be seen
1604
01:52:54,288 --> 01:52:57,541
by the naked eye. It's microscopic.
1605
01:52:57,666 --> 01:53:01,336
Only a fragment of it is showing.
That's it.
1606
01:53:01,461 --> 01:53:04,547
The traditionaI tooI of your trade,
Inspector?
1607
01:53:09,719 --> 01:53:11,638
Why don't you ask yourself
1608
01:53:11,763 --> 01:53:15,642
how your man Merrydick,
would go about the search?
1609
01:53:15,767 --> 01:53:18,270
Merridew! St John Lord Merridew!
1610
01:53:18,395 --> 01:53:20,397
Calm. Keep calm.
1611
01:53:20,523 --> 01:53:22,399
Think.
What are the properties of crystaI?
1612
01:53:22,525 --> 01:53:23,734
Hard,
1613
01:53:23,859 --> 01:53:25,069
brilliant,
1614
01:53:25,194 --> 01:53:26,695
transparent.
1615
01:53:28,155 --> 01:53:32,326
You look through it, but you don't see it.
That's the trick.
1616
01:53:32,993 --> 01:53:36,162
Now, the only place to conceaI
a transparent thing,
1617
01:53:36,287 --> 01:53:39,541
so as to make it invisible,
and yet leave it in plain view
1618
01:53:39,666 --> 01:53:42,669
is on or in
another transparent thing like...
1619
01:53:42,794 --> 01:53:44,003
Like!
1620
01:53:52,846 --> 01:53:54,514
Clear as crystaI.
1621
01:53:55,890 --> 01:53:58,810
But I don't need to destroy this, do I?
1622
01:53:58,935 --> 01:54:01,479
- She could've left it here anytime.
- True.
1623
01:54:01,604 --> 01:54:02,981
Go on. What next?
1624
01:54:03,106 --> 01:54:06,526
The next object
is much more incriminating.
1625
01:54:06,651 --> 01:54:08,361
Here's a little riddle, which I'm sure
1626
01:54:08,486 --> 01:54:11,197
one of your nannies
must have taught you.
1627
01:54:11,364 --> 01:54:14,283
Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
1628
01:54:14,408 --> 01:54:16,994
On which we are bitterly pressed
1629
01:54:17,119 --> 01:54:19,496
The truth is to say
We are full all the day
1630
01:54:19,621 --> 01:54:21,832
And empty when we go to rest
1631
01:54:21,957 --> 01:54:25,127
I know that. I know that.
Hold on. Just a minute.
1632
01:54:25,252 --> 01:54:28,797
Full all the day, empty when we go...
I know! It's a pair of shoes!
1633
01:54:28,922 --> 01:54:32,719
In this case, one lady's left black shoe,
size 6.
1634
01:54:34,596 --> 01:54:38,141
The other, I need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
1635
01:54:38,266 --> 01:54:39,893
God! Poor Tea.
1636
01:54:44,314 --> 01:54:45,982
Poor Tea, eh?
1637
01:54:46,107 --> 01:54:47,692
That's better.
1638
01:54:47,859 --> 01:54:50,152
Do you know that's
the first sign of sorrow you've shown
1639
01:54:50,277 --> 01:54:53,238
since you heard of her death?
1640
01:54:53,363 --> 01:54:54,865
You wouldn't put it here, anyway.
1641
01:54:54,990 --> 01:54:57,910
Or even upstairs
among Marguerite's shoes.
1642
01:54:58,035 --> 01:55:01,747
- Too obvious.
- Such grief is touching.
1643
01:55:01,872 --> 01:55:05,334
You really are the salt of the earth,
you know that, Andrew?
1644
01:55:05,459 --> 01:55:08,128
By the way,
that's a clue, if you're interested.
1645
01:55:09,046 --> 01:55:10,672
Salt of the earth? Earth?
1646
01:55:10,798 --> 01:55:12,674
It's buried... No, you buried the other.
1647
01:55:12,800 --> 01:55:16,220
Salt, salt...
Salt and pepper. Saltpeter...
1648
01:55:16,345 --> 01:55:18,680
Salt water... Salt... Cellar!
1649
01:55:18,806 --> 01:55:20,557
It's in the cellar!
1650
01:55:55,259 --> 01:55:58,220
You're really turned on,
aren't you, Andrew?
1651
01:55:59,762 --> 01:56:03,808
Even though the game you're playing
is for your own life.
1652
01:56:04,434 --> 01:56:06,894
You're practically having it off.
1653
01:56:07,562 --> 01:56:09,021
Shoe, shoe!
1654
01:56:09,147 --> 01:56:10,857
I ask myself,
1655
01:56:10,982 --> 01:56:14,193
"If I was a black shoe,
where would I hide?
1656
01:56:14,318 --> 01:56:17,238
"If I was as black as your hat.
1657
01:56:17,363 --> 01:56:20,616
"If I was as black as the ace of spades.
1658
01:56:20,741 --> 01:56:23,453
- "If I was as black as... "
- CoaI!
1659
01:56:25,746 --> 01:56:27,582
Dirty bastard!
1660
01:56:38,467 --> 01:56:40,719
You dirty son of a bitch!
1661
01:56:44,681 --> 01:56:46,266
You're getting warmer,
1662
01:56:46,391 --> 01:56:48,351
and blacker.
1663
01:56:48,477 --> 01:56:50,979
Must be quite a new experience for you.
1664
01:56:51,104 --> 01:56:52,939
I don't suppose blacks
play much of a part
1665
01:56:53,064 --> 01:56:54,484
in the books you write, do they?
1666
01:56:54,609 --> 01:56:58,279
Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie
1667
01:56:58,404 --> 01:57:01,657
to take his place
alongside the swarthy yid,
1668
01:57:01,783 --> 01:57:05,536
the oily Levantine
and others of their kind.
1669
01:57:21,135 --> 01:57:22,845
Oh, I'm sorry it's so messy.
1670
01:57:22,970 --> 01:57:24,847
It's only earth.
1671
01:57:24,972 --> 01:57:27,725
From Tea's first grave in your garden.
1672
01:57:33,689 --> 01:57:35,817
Not so bad.
We're up of the clock, I think.
1673
01:57:35,942 --> 01:57:38,903
- Barely.
- Well, what's next?
1674
01:57:41,114 --> 01:57:43,658
What do you find so damned amusing?
1675
01:57:44,534 --> 01:57:47,036
What the hell are you laughing at?
1676
01:57:49,246 --> 01:57:51,957
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Yes, I'm all right.
1677
01:57:52,082 --> 01:57:53,792
- Jack.
- Jack?
1678
01:57:53,917 --> 01:57:55,377
Simple minded twit!
1679
01:57:55,502 --> 01:57:56,920
You've been handing me the clue
all along.
1680
01:57:57,045 --> 01:58:00,090
It's Jolly Jack Tar. It's on the sailor.
1681
01:58:00,215 --> 01:58:01,341
True!
1682
01:58:01,466 --> 01:58:03,301
That's where it is.
1683
01:58:04,761 --> 01:58:09,684
But this time,
I am not going to tell you what it is.
1684
01:58:09,976 --> 01:58:11,352
All right.
1685
01:58:58,440 --> 01:59:00,900
He looked disappointed in you.
1686
01:59:01,025 --> 01:59:03,569
But then, it's no laughing matter.
1687
01:59:04,153 --> 01:59:05,446
Or is it?
1688
01:59:10,284 --> 01:59:11,827
Do that again.
1689
01:59:14,747 --> 01:59:17,459
My God,
he's never winked at me before.
1690
01:59:33,391 --> 01:59:37,144
I suppose the other lash
is on one of poor Tea's eyes.
1691
01:59:37,686 --> 01:59:39,188
She won't miss it.
1692
01:59:39,313 --> 01:59:41,107
They're both closed.
1693
01:59:43,109 --> 01:59:44,985
How much more time?
1694
01:59:45,111 --> 01:59:48,739
You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, I'd say.
1695
01:59:48,864 --> 01:59:51,450
There's one more thing left, I think,
the murder weapon.
1696
01:59:51,575 --> 01:59:53,244
You strangled her over there,
with what?
1697
01:59:53,369 --> 01:59:58,249
- A rope, belt, scarf...
- It bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
1698
01:59:59,875 --> 02:00:01,544
I had to pry it loose.
1699
02:00:01,669 --> 02:00:05,923
You'll pay for that, I promise,
you sadistic bloody wop!
1700
02:00:06,048 --> 02:00:08,634
I hope I didn't hear that correctly.
1701
02:00:12,554 --> 02:00:15,014
You're certain to need more help.
1702
02:00:15,765 --> 02:00:19,269
I'd hate to have to start giving you
difficult Italian clues,
1703
02:00:19,394 --> 02:00:23,648
- full of treachery and double meaning.
- All right. All right.
1704
02:00:25,442 --> 02:00:28,528
As severaI wops have remarked
from time to time...
1705
02:00:31,407 --> 02:00:33,242
Was that a clue?
1706
02:00:33,951 --> 02:00:35,995
Say the damn thing again.
1707
02:00:38,414 --> 02:00:40,374
No. Once more, please.
1708
02:00:50,258 --> 02:00:52,135
What's the time. No...
1709
02:00:53,303 --> 02:00:54,429
No.
1710
02:00:56,347 --> 02:00:57,724
Gold, gold!
1711
02:00:59,225 --> 02:01:00,518
All gold!
1712
02:01:05,982 --> 02:01:07,650
Gold scintillates?
1713
02:01:07,776 --> 02:01:09,903
Glitters.
1714
02:01:10,028 --> 02:01:12,405
All that glisters is not gold.
1715
02:01:12,530 --> 02:01:14,491
There will always be an England.
1716
02:01:14,616 --> 02:01:17,577
You strangled her
with something golden and scintillating.
1717
02:01:21,498 --> 02:01:25,626
What's that? A musicaI clue.
Right. Now, golden notes,
1718
02:01:25,751 --> 02:01:29,254
golden scales, golden... It's a chord!
1719
02:01:29,379 --> 02:01:32,633
You strangled her with a golden cord,
and like everybody does,
1720
02:01:32,758 --> 02:01:35,677
you hid it behind the bell pull!
1721
02:01:35,803 --> 02:01:37,846
No, damn it, you didn't.
1722
02:01:41,935 --> 02:01:44,354
Anything goes in olden days!
1723
02:01:44,479 --> 02:01:46,981
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
1724
02:01:47,107 --> 02:01:48,775
Was looked on as something shock...
1725
02:01:48,900 --> 02:01:52,862
Stocking! Where do you put stockings?
1726
02:01:52,987 --> 02:01:56,407
On legs. Legs! The golden legs.
1727
02:01:57,826 --> 02:02:00,577
Not a golden leg in the blasted house.
1728
02:02:02,079 --> 02:02:03,831
Is it in this room?
1729
02:02:09,169 --> 02:02:10,421
Bastard!
1730
02:02:14,007 --> 02:02:17,010
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
1731
02:02:17,136 --> 02:02:19,555
Was looked at as something shocking
1732
02:02:19,680 --> 02:02:23,642
Now heaven knows, anything goes
1733
02:02:24,935 --> 02:02:28,355
The world has gone mad today
And good...
1734
02:02:39,907 --> 02:02:42,160
I think I can hear something.
1735
02:02:50,836 --> 02:02:52,004
Andrew!
1736
02:02:52,130 --> 02:02:53,214
Andrew!
1737
02:02:53,339 --> 02:02:54,466
What?
1738
02:02:54,591 --> 02:02:57,093
They're here. The police are here.
1739
02:03:00,513 --> 02:03:02,682
It looks like you've had it.
1740
02:03:02,807 --> 02:03:05,143
- They're coming up the drive.
- Keep them out!
1741
02:03:05,268 --> 02:03:06,686
Keep the police out?
1742
02:03:06,811 --> 02:03:08,438
It's just not done, old boy.
1743
02:03:08,563 --> 02:03:10,439
But still, I'll try.
1744
02:03:11,982 --> 02:03:14,860
Just one more minute.
1745
02:03:14,985 --> 02:03:18,530
Stall them somehow. Please!
1746
02:03:18,655 --> 02:03:19,990
Remember,
1747
02:03:20,115 --> 02:03:22,034
in olden days
1748
02:03:22,159 --> 02:03:25,120
a glimpse of stocking.
1749
02:03:28,332 --> 02:03:29,374
Mr Tindle?
1750
02:03:29,500 --> 02:03:32,086
- Olden days...
- I wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
1751
02:03:32,211 --> 02:03:34,797
- Glimpse...
- Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
1752
02:03:34,922 --> 02:03:36,757
Olden days...
1753
02:03:36,882 --> 02:03:38,801
Before tights, what?
1754
02:03:38,926 --> 02:03:41,762
Nylon. Before nylon, what?
1755
02:03:41,887 --> 02:03:43,180
Silk.
1756
02:03:43,597 --> 02:03:47,683
Well, what else. What...
1757
02:03:55,191 --> 02:03:56,359
Clock.
1758
02:04:01,781 --> 02:04:05,702
Stockings had clocks.
1759
02:04:05,828 --> 02:04:07,454
In olden days...
1760
02:04:17,714 --> 02:04:19,049
Glimpse...
1761
02:04:22,677 --> 02:04:24,971
Now you see it,
1762
02:04:25,096 --> 02:04:26,597
now you don't.
1763
02:05:27,408 --> 02:05:30,536
It wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant.
1764
02:05:30,661 --> 02:05:32,872
Why don't I have a go at it?
1765
02:05:33,247 --> 02:05:35,749
Well, surely...
1766
02:05:46,885 --> 02:05:49,346
Just let me tell him you're here.
1767
02:05:54,643 --> 02:05:55,852
Andrew.
1768
02:05:55,977 --> 02:05:57,312
Is it all right if I introduce
1769
02:05:57,437 --> 02:06:00,565
Detective Sergeant Tarrant
and Constable Higgs?
1770
02:06:02,359 --> 02:06:05,737
Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen.
1771
02:06:05,862 --> 02:06:08,532
Come in, do have...
1772
02:06:14,412 --> 02:06:19,041
Or should I say, Inspector Plodder
1773
02:06:19,166 --> 02:06:22,002
and Constable Freshface.
1774
02:06:25,673 --> 02:06:29,261
Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
1775
02:06:30,470 --> 02:06:31,680
That's all right, sir.
1776
02:06:31,805 --> 02:06:35,684
Better to be safe than sorry,
that's what I always say, sir.
1777
02:06:36,101 --> 02:06:39,187
- Good night, Sergeant.
- Good night, sir.
1778
02:06:40,605 --> 02:06:42,482
Good night, Constable.
1779
02:06:43,900 --> 02:06:45,568
Good night, sir.
1780
02:07:06,505 --> 02:07:09,759
First, I suppose
you'll want to know about Tea.
1781
02:07:10,509 --> 02:07:11,635
She did call yesterday
1782
02:07:11,761 --> 02:07:14,805
while I was setting up
the Doppler scene,
1783
02:07:14,930 --> 02:07:17,975
and I told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun,
1784
02:07:18,100 --> 02:07:19,685
and she wasn't a bit surprised.
1785
02:07:19,810 --> 02:07:22,896
She knows only too well
the kind of games you like to play,
1786
02:07:23,021 --> 02:07:26,941
the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
1787
02:07:28,193 --> 02:07:33,156
I explained to her that I wanted
to play a game and get even with you,
1788
02:07:33,281 --> 02:07:38,078
and I asked her to lend me a stocking,
a shoe, a false eyelash
1789
02:07:38,203 --> 02:07:41,373
and that bracelet that you'd bought her.
1790
02:07:43,334 --> 02:07:46,545
And she was happy to help,
1791
02:07:46,670 --> 02:07:49,048
and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
1792
02:07:53,511 --> 02:07:55,805
Would you like to phone Tea?
1793
02:07:57,514 --> 02:07:59,474
She'll talk to you now.
1794
02:08:02,977 --> 02:08:07,065
But then, you wouldn't have very much
to say to her, would you?
1795
02:08:09,150 --> 02:08:11,903
She's not really your mistress, is she?
1796
02:08:14,280 --> 02:08:19,578
She told me that you and her
haven't made it together for over a year.
1797
02:08:22,039 --> 02:08:27,044
She also told me
that you are practically impotent.
1798
02:08:28,254 --> 02:08:32,758
Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice
for the next Olympics.
1799
02:08:34,259 --> 02:08:36,094
I warned you, Andrew.
1800
02:08:38,304 --> 02:08:40,765
I don't play games for the sport!
1801
02:08:42,642 --> 02:08:46,062
Particularly not games of humiliation.
1802
02:08:49,441 --> 02:08:51,694
I know too much about that.
1803
02:09:00,119 --> 02:09:01,912
Where are you going?
1804
02:09:03,748 --> 02:09:06,500
I'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
1805
02:09:07,960 --> 02:09:10,336
- She's not coming back?
- No.
1806
02:09:19,095 --> 02:09:20,555
I live
1807
02:09:21,806 --> 02:09:23,808
as I want to live.
1808
02:09:23,933 --> 02:09:27,979
You know, I've been
thinking of that writer you told me about.
1809
02:09:28,104 --> 02:09:31,733
And it is my opinion
that your detective stories
1810
02:09:31,858 --> 02:09:36,404
are the normaI recreation
of snobbish, out-dated,
1811
02:09:36,529 --> 02:09:39,282
life-hating, ignoble minds.
1812
02:09:40,575 --> 02:09:42,744
I'll get that fur coat now.
1813
02:09:59,343 --> 02:10:00,677
You see.
1814
02:10:02,346 --> 02:10:03,723
You see.
1815
02:10:07,268 --> 02:10:08,603
Inspector,
1816
02:10:10,480 --> 02:10:12,565
I was working in my study
1817
02:10:13,441 --> 02:10:15,693
when I heard a noise in here,
1818
02:10:17,654 --> 02:10:21,031
so I took my revolver,
1819
02:10:22,449 --> 02:10:24,410
and I came in here
1820
02:10:24,576 --> 02:10:26,161
to investigate.
1821
02:10:28,163 --> 02:10:30,165
Here was this young man
1822
02:10:31,250 --> 02:10:33,252
running down the stairs
1823
02:10:33,836 --> 02:10:37,131
with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
1824
02:10:38,882 --> 02:10:41,009
I shouted for him to stop,
1825
02:10:41,510 --> 02:10:44,054
but he wouldn't pay any attention,
1826
02:10:44,513 --> 02:10:46,807
but ran on towards the door
1827
02:10:47,933 --> 02:10:50,018
hoping to make his escape.
1828
02:10:50,978 --> 02:10:53,689
Naturally, I fired.
1829
02:10:55,858 --> 02:10:57,733
I aimed low.
1830
02:10:58,943 --> 02:11:01,195
Believe me, Inspector, I did.
1831
02:11:02,155 --> 02:11:04,657
The most appalling thing happened.
1832
02:11:06,200 --> 02:11:07,869
I shot him dead.
1833
02:11:13,332 --> 02:11:14,960
That's all right, sir.
1834
02:11:15,252 --> 02:11:17,629
Don't distress yourself unduly.
1835
02:11:17,755 --> 02:11:20,591
A thing like that
could happen to anyone.
1836
02:11:36,063 --> 02:11:38,024
I can't let you go now.
1837
02:11:39,567 --> 02:11:41,235
What do you mean?
1838
02:11:41,944 --> 02:11:43,446
Going about
1839
02:11:43,821 --> 02:11:45,615
telling everyone.
1840
02:11:46,574 --> 02:11:48,493
It's just not possible.
1841
02:11:48,618 --> 02:11:50,995
Who... Whom would I tell?
1842
02:11:52,622 --> 02:11:53,998
Who'd be interested?
1843
02:11:54,123 --> 02:11:57,585
One person would be too many,
even Marguerite.
1844
02:11:57,710 --> 02:11:58,836
Especially Marguerite.
1845
02:11:58,961 --> 02:12:01,047
What are you going to do then, Andrew?
1846
02:12:01,172 --> 02:12:02,632
Shoot me down?
1847
02:12:02,757 --> 02:12:05,760
- Play that old burglar game again?
- That's right.
1848
02:12:05,885 --> 02:12:08,345
- It wouldn't work now.
- No?
1849
02:12:09,721 --> 02:12:11,306
Why not I wonder.
1850
02:12:11,431 --> 02:12:15,811
Because of what really happened
after I left here last Friday night.
1851
02:12:17,354 --> 02:12:20,148
What really happened?
1852
02:12:20,273 --> 02:12:22,359
I did lurch home
1853
02:12:22,484 --> 02:12:26,197
dazed, dirty and humiliated.
1854
02:12:27,657 --> 02:12:29,700
And I sat up all night.
1855
02:12:32,120 --> 02:12:33,621
And in the morning,
1856
02:12:33,746 --> 02:12:36,082
I went to the police station
1857
02:12:36,791 --> 02:12:39,502
and I told them what you'd done to me.
1858
02:12:40,420 --> 02:12:42,588
And one of them,
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
1859
02:12:42,713 --> 02:12:44,464
yes, he's reaI.
1860
02:12:45,549 --> 02:12:49,136
He took me into a little room,
and we had a long chat,
1861
02:12:50,053 --> 02:12:53,056
but I don't think
he paid very much attention
1862
02:12:53,181 --> 02:12:54,975
to anything I said.
1863
02:12:56,143 --> 02:12:58,228
So I thought to myself,
1864
02:12:59,229 --> 02:13:01,356
"He's not gonna do anything about this. "
1865
02:13:01,481 --> 02:13:04,443
No? Why not?
1866
02:13:05,944 --> 02:13:09,072
You know the answer to that
just as well as I do.
1867
02:13:09,197 --> 02:13:12,325
In his eyes,
I'm just some common little git
1868
02:13:12,701 --> 02:13:14,411
who's been screwing the wife
of a locaI noble
1869
02:13:14,536 --> 02:13:15,954
and got what he deserved.
1870
02:13:16,079 --> 02:13:19,915
So perhaps the police won't come by
as I said they would,
1871
02:13:20,040 --> 02:13:21,917
but even if they don't,
1872
02:13:22,042 --> 02:13:26,088
they'd never believe
that burglar story of yours. Not now.
1873
02:13:27,256 --> 02:13:29,341
So, you see, you've lost.
1874
02:13:32,011 --> 02:13:34,805
You can't fooI me any more, Milo.
1875
02:13:36,140 --> 02:13:39,311
I haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
1876
02:13:39,436 --> 02:13:40,979
It's the truth.
1877
02:13:43,064 --> 02:13:44,399
Liar.
1878
02:13:44,524 --> 02:13:47,652
Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
1879
02:13:48,695 --> 02:13:53,326
You come here and announce
your intention to steaI away my wife.
1880
02:13:54,035 --> 02:13:57,370
You pry into my manhood,
1881
02:13:57,496 --> 02:14:02,292
you lecture me on ignoble minds
1882
02:14:03,794 --> 02:14:07,130
and you mock the creation of my life,
1883
02:14:08,131 --> 02:14:11,218
St John Lord Merridew.
1884
02:14:15,806 --> 02:14:20,060
Well, they're all reaI bullets this time.
1885
02:14:23,730 --> 02:14:25,774
The game's over, Andrew.
1886
02:14:27,901 --> 02:14:29,653
I'm going home now.
1887
02:14:45,543 --> 02:14:48,671
Milo, you do see
1888
02:14:49,589 --> 02:14:53,135
I'm not really a very good games player.
1889
02:14:53,260 --> 02:14:55,262
I mean to say,
1890
02:14:55,387 --> 02:14:59,683
never play the same game
three times running.
1891
02:16:24,099 --> 02:16:25,308
Andrew?
1892
02:16:27,352 --> 02:16:28,853
Don't forget.
1893
02:16:30,146 --> 02:16:32,607
Be sure and tell them
1894
02:16:33,942 --> 02:16:35,443
it was just
1895
02:16:36,945 --> 02:16:39,239
a bloody game.