1 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:10,560 So we found it strange that we were making toys in February. 2 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:13,920 We thought, toys in February? Since when? 3 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,320 The Christmas holiday just happened. 4 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,400 It was odd. 5 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:21,120 But then we realized what we were making. 6 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,320 - And what was that? - Objection. Relevance? 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,840 Overruled. 8 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,200 It was a toy. 9 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,920 It was a... forgive me. 10 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,080 It was a sex toy. 11 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,080 Please state your last name. 12 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,480 Claus. 13 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,080 First name. 14 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:47,880 Mrs. 15 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,120 How would you characterize your relationship with the plaintiff? 16 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,120 He's an elf. He's one of my husband's elfs. 17 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,440 Elfs? Elves? 18 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,120 I don't know. Sorry. 19 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,640 - He's one of many. Sorry. - It's Ok. 20 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,320 I'm feeling a little nervous. 21 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,040 I'm more of a behind-the-scenes gal. 22 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,680 That's Ok. 23 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,960 Do you know Dodo? 24 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,120 Yes. 25 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,440 We're all family. 26 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,800 That's what I thought, at least, if you ask me. 27 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,240 Him and the other ones would come over for dinner, 28 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,000 small parties, Christmas parties. 29 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:27,080 It's at one of these parties where Dodo found a present. 30 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:32,240 He was instructed to create a strap-on. 31 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,720 He alleges it was in your home for personal use. 32 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,720 Elves make the toys. My husband delivers the toys. 33 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,480 The toys are his responsibility. 34 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,400 And it's our responsibility, as for all the presents, 35 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,200 that we ensure the quality and we test them out ourselves. 36 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,320 I gladly tested it on Santa for Christmas. 37 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,040 Sorry. 38 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:56,840 Behind-the-scenes gal. 39 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,480 That's Ok. 40 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,440 Dodo alleges elves are made to work for free. 41 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,040 Not for free. No. 42 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,600 For the love of Christmas. 43 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,960 And can you share with us what Dodo said at one of these parties? 44 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,880 He said... and he was tipsy. I'll give him that. 45 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,760 This one can sure drink a lot of eggnog. 46 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:21,760 He said, "God, I hate Christmas." 47 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,480 I was devastated. 48 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,360 I still haven't recovered, if you ask me. 49 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,720 And I think that's why he's on this social-justice-warrior kick. 50 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,640 He hates Christmas. Don't you? 51 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:35,920 Tell 'em the truth. 52 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,640 I don't like that Dodo. 53 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,000 He wants to cancel Christmas, for Christ's sake. 54 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,200 Ok, so you're interested in corporeal service. 55 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,800 - Yes. - You want to get rid of your body? 56 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,720 - I would like to get rid of my body, yes. - Ok, great. 57 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,840 Well, let me tell you a little bit about us. 58 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:51,080 New Solutions Incorporated specializes in mind-upgrading services 59 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,640 and are certified by official agencies nationwide. 60 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,320 - Our incorp... - Sorry, like the FDA? 61 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,160 - No. Let me finish. - Sorry. 62 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,080 Our incorporeal service can free you 63 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,240 of your daily bodily ailments and discomforts. 64 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,320 "Without a body, I have never felt more like myself." 65 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,480 Jonathan R., Brooklyn. 66 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,680 - I can read it... - "Service was fast and easy. 67 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,160 I left feeling better than I had in years." 68 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,360 Sam K., Manhattan. 69 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,200 Do you have change for $20? 70 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,640 I just got some dumplings. 71 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,600 We're here to help people just like you 72 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,840 get rid of the burden of having a body. 73 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,920 You just float around. 74 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,840 It says here that you're battling a skin disease. 75 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:33,080 Yes. I'm actually a little worried about this. 76 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,200 I'm sorry. It's really bad. 77 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,240 But you don't have to worry about that. You don't have to worry about a thing. 78 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,120 You don't even have to worry about getting an apartment 79 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:43,480 because you won't have a body. 80 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,880 You'll just be floating around. 81 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,200 - Like a ghost? - Let me finish. 82 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,480 You will be floating around like a freed mind. 83 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,920 And you ever feel, like, hungry, 84 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,800 or, after you eat food, you're, like, bloated? 85 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,120 Sure. Yeah. 86 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,480 - Yes. - See? 87 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,040 That wouldn't happen if we upload you. 88 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,240 Hey, I got to get this. 89 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,560 Hello? Yes, this is the real bank. 90 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,800 - I got a call saying... - Hey. Hey, can you get this? 91 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,240 - I got to take it. - Oh, I don't know what the... 92 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,200 Everything is in the brochure. 93 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,600 - Yeah? - Ok. 94 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:13,640 Yes. 95 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,480 Yes, I'll just need your full name and account number. 96 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,000 Right now we are offering 97 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:23,800 a promotional fee of $999 a month 98 00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:28,800 because you are a preferred customer. 99 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,160 That's nice. For how long? 100 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,440 Initial 10-year commitment. 101 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,120 And if I stop paying, I can just return to my body? 102 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,880 No. No, you can't. 103 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,560 Can't do it. Just... 104 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,920 So, sorry, I guess the question is, 105 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,240 if I upload my consciousness into the ether 106 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,880 and I become this little light for a fee, 107 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:55,160 if I stop paying that fee, where does my consciousness... 108 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,280 ...go? 109 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,040 That's between you and your pastor. 110 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:05,920 - We don't do that. - Well, to sign you up, we just need 111 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:10,160 your credit card to put on file and then a copy 112 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,800 of your proof of existence. 113 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,720 I don't... Wait. I'm sorry. 114 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,120 I need to prove that I exist so I can stop existing? 115 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,280 It'll be real fast. We'll swipe it. All you need is proof. That's it. 116 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,120 I don't have it because I don't want it, is the issue. 117 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,680 Wait, so... 118 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,720 How do you have an apartment? How do you take out a loan? 119 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,000 They're going to be asking for it soon to get on the subway. 120 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,600 ...you never knew you needed until now! 121 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,080 I even heard you'll need it to vote soon. 122 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,680 Toilets. 123 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,760 Go back. 124 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,280 It breaks my heart to see them naked, 125 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,840 undignified, shivering in the cold as they swallow our daily filth. 126 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,760 That's why I've dedicated my life 127 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,560 to fashioning toilet dresses. 128 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,040 You see, every toilet is a she. 129 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,800 And she, she ought to be dressed. 130 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,040 Go. 131 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,880 Yes, her favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. 132 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,480 The turkey one. 133 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,880 And her? Well, she woke up early just to bake bread with her two ugly daughters. 134 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,880 Daydreaming of a Hawaiian honeymoon 135 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,400 with a man she'll never meet. 136 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:24,840 What the hell are you doing? 137 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,600 Not the cowgirl. She's private. 138 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,040 People are always asking me, 139 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,720 Denise, I tried to go to your website, and I couldn't find the online shop. 140 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,680 And I say, don't be an idiot. I don't have an online shop. 141 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:39,760 You know that. 142 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:44,280 You have to call me personally at home, and you need to ask for a consultation. 143 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,880 Then I'll come to your home when you least expect it 144 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:51,840 but when it's convenient for me, and I'll have a moment with your toilet. 145 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,480 Feel its skin. 146 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:54,960 Feel its gurgles. 147 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,480 Hear it roar. 148 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:01,920 She wants a sequined seat. 149 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960 - Won't that hurt? - Babe. 150 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,320 I don't want to sit on sequins. 151 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,880 "Won't that hurt?" You are an idiot. 152 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:12,000 This one doesn't mind being the other woman. 153 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,160 And her, I'm not ready to discuss. 154 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,360 My dedication to this cause began 155 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,760 back when I was a little girl. 156 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,920 I live alone with my grandmother, so you know my childhood was excellent. 157 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,240 Put your pants up, you vile, vile girl. 158 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,960 My life is hard, and it's your fault! 159 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,160 I dump all my shit on you. 160 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,320 Thank you to my producers for making that flashback happen. 161 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,920 Ok, well, don't make a whole show of it. Just go. 162 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,520 Toilets need love. 163 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,280 Toilets didn't ask to be toilets. 164 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,600 Toilets need to be dressed, and they need to look good. 165 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,200 But please don't call here and be asking how much it costs, Ok? 166 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,680 Just book a fucking consultation. 167 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,400 Good night. 168 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,320 Bibo will get the door. 169 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,800 "Skin cancer. 170 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,720 How long to kill?" 171 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,360 Thank you, sir. Keep the change. 172 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,080 How about this apartment? 173 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,720 No? 174 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,240 Oh, I've been there. 175 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,840 That's too small. But this one. 176 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,040 How about this? 177 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,960 Bibo, don't move. 178 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,080 - I detect an incoming call. - Thank you, Bibo. 179 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,000 - Hello? - Julio, may I speak to you? 180 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,640 - Right now? - Can we talk? 181 00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:43,840 No, sorry. No, not you. 182 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,800 Now's a good time for me, and I need to tell you... 183 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,560 - Yeah, this is he. - Julio? 184 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,480 - Can I... - Julio, hello. 185 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,280 - Hello? - Hello. 186 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:56,600 So was your mother a rice cooker or a vacuum cleaner? 187 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,960 Angrysound.mp3. 188 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:03,160 Oh, Bibo, relax. It's a human joke. 189 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,120 Ok, Ok, it was the venue. They have a lead on the oyster. 190 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,000 If they find it, I can get a biopsy, like, today. 191 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,960 What you need is an apartment. 192 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,240 No, what I need is to know what I'm dealing with. 193 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,280 And I'll only know what I'm dealing with if I can get the oyster. 194 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,080 Julio, I can't do this. 195 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,680 I can't spiral with you. 196 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,080 Remember when we were in college and you thought you had internal bleeding 197 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,360 because you were spitting blood but you just weren't flossing? 198 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,880 I don't know why you're bringing that up. 199 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,920 I don't know what that has to do with anything. 200 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,400 This is nothing like that. It's just nothing like the flossing. 201 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,520 This is just like that. 202 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,000 You always do this. 203 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,760 Hello? Vanesja. 204 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,840 Hello? Your Chase Bank account has been compromised. 205 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,640 Oh, no. 206 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,640 Ok, I haven't found your little golden oyster, 207 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,320 but I think I know where it might be. 208 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,040 - Have you ever heard of Fufu's? - No. 209 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:58,200 Fufu's was the first and only queer hamster nightclub in New York City. 210 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,880 Fufu's was like Studio 54 meets Berghain but for gay hamsters. 211 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,840 It was the only space that was just for them, 212 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,160 where they could walk in, dance, misbehave, 213 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,480 and forget about the tedious, endless loop of their exercise wheels. 214 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,360 At Fufu's, you'd see hamsters in fetish wear, 215 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,640 hamster couples eyeing a third and disappearing into a dark room 216 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,560 or arguing about dropping the coke. 217 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,640 - Where is it? - Fuck! I'm so stupid. 218 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,920 - Babe, did you drop the coke? - Don't get mad. 219 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,600 There was no easier place to score drugs 220 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,160 - than at the Fufu's bathroom. - So stupid. 221 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,680 Where is it? Where is the baggie? 222 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,680 I hear your boyfriend's toxic. Want to make out with me? 223 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,120 - They let me work the coat check. - Alex, chica! 224 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,920 Oh, my God. Hi! 225 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,000 So good to see you. Just one? 226 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,600 - Yeah, one item. - It's $5. 227 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:42,840 Oh, my God. 228 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,680 I could buy more items for that much money. 229 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,520 Fufu's was owned by a sweet old queen named Pompolino. 230 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,840 He named the club after his late partner Fufu, 231 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,800 who died at the hands of a merciless seven-year-old who forgot to feed him. 232 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,320 His new boyfriend, who was young and power hungry, 233 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,440 was named Coco, and had big plans for Fufu's. 234 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,520 We should do brunches in the day. Bottomless-mimosa brunch. 235 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,760 Babe, that's not what Fufu's is. 236 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,800 We should make it a chain, open more Fufu's, 237 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,200 and team up with brands to do big sponsored events. 238 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,200 - Do a bump. - Sponsored events? 239 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,480 We should charge a really high cover 240 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,480 to make sure hamsters that come in can afford the drinks. 241 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,000 Come on, babe! This is smart. 242 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,080 Babe, Fufu was for family, queer family. 243 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,440 - You should do a bump. - Babe, I do not want more cocaine. 244 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,320 We should invite Antoni from "Queer Eye." We should invite Anderson Cooper. 245 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,640 We should invite Spock. Which one's Spock? 246 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,080 Babe, he's a human. 247 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,680 Who cares? Humans are cool. Do a bump. 248 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,280 - Babe, Fufu would not have liked that. - Fufu's dead. 249 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,720 I had nothing to do with it, no matter what the police say. 250 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,200 And I'm going to take this place to the next level. 251 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,480 Fufu's turned into a CVS the next day. 252 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,600 That's so sad. 253 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,480 Anyway, the hamster CVS is under the DJ booth. 254 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,120 I think your little oyster might have rolled over there. 255 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,160 - Following guest. - Hey, hey. Hi, hi. 256 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,080 Ok, so my name is Julio. 257 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,560 Ok, I was wondering if maybe you found a little... 258 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,080 well, little for me, but sizable for you... 259 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,200 golden diamond-encrusted oyster. 260 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,320 - An oyster? - Yes. 261 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,360 Well, it's an earring in the shape of an oyster, 262 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,680 - with diamonds. - Ok. 263 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,440 - Hey, Chips! - Yes? Chips here. 264 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,760 Have you seen a golden oyster with diamonds? 265 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,480 - Yes. I can help you. - Oh, yeah? 266 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,360 Ok, a customer was here yesterday saying he lost his sweater here. 267 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,320 So I brought out the lost and found, and he saw exactly what you're describing. 268 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,400 - The golden oyster, was it? - Yes. 269 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,920 Yes. And then the customer said, "Oh, yes. That's my sweater." 270 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,320 - And I gave it to him. - What? And you just gave it to... 271 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,600 Never mind. What's his name? 272 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,400 And where does he work? 273 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,280 Ok. 274 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,520 Why are you wearing that? 275 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,160 Not allowed to have phones in school. 276 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,520 I don't go here. 277 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,640 Then why are you here? 278 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,320 Because I'm waiting for class to be over so I can yell at a hamster. 279 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,480 Don't let him get to you. 280 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,160 Oh, I'm Ok. I don't... 281 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,440 Did you like school? 282 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,160 - No. - Why? 283 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,640 Because it's a horrible, oppressive environment. 284 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,040 Did kids make fun of you? 285 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,560 No. 286 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,160 Is it 'cause you're gay? 287 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,040 That's maybe like a symptom, but, no. 288 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,440 I don't know. Just different priorities. 289 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:55,920 How do you mean? 290 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,080 It's a little Oprah here. I don't know. 291 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,800 I didn't like school because it felt like a competition 292 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,440 to see who could fit in the most. 293 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,160 And I started at a deficit and could never catch up, 294 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,560 no matter how hard I tried. 295 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,960 You see, my family inherited a lot of debt when my grandfather died, 296 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,280 and we had to move just to avoid the debt collectors, 297 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,200 and we couldn't have nice things. 298 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,480 The kids at school sniffed out that something was off. 299 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,360 "Why does your car look like that? Why do your clothes look like that?" 300 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:24,320 Until eventually I said, "Guess what. Joke's on you. I don't want to fit in. 301 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,760 I don't want what you have. 302 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,000 I don't want to eat like you. I don't want to look like you. 303 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,560 I don't want to think like you. 304 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,520 What? I didn't get invited to the party. 305 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,440 That party isn't even on my radar. 306 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,920 I'm not at the bottom of the pyramid. I'm not in the pyramid. 307 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,600 I'm not losing the race, idiot. I'm not running at all. 308 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,960 I'm not even watching the race. 309 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,680 I'm over here, very relaxed and highly at ease. 310 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,720 I'm different. I am my own thing. 311 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,880 I'm the exception." 312 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,160 So, no, I don't need proof of existence. 313 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,160 What I need is my own special, little quest. 314 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,840 So, to me, this whole quest you're on, 315 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,080 this whole maze you've put yourself in, 316 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:04,080 it's all a distraction from the brutal reality that, 317 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,440 like the rest of us, you'll have to sacrifice 318 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,920 some of what you believe in, some of your precious individuality 319 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,000 that became your armor to survive in a system that hurt you. 320 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:16,040 You'll have to play by its rules to some extent 321 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,600 to keep surviving in this world. 322 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,560 And you know you're not sick. 323 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,360 You're just scared of facing that the walls are closing in. 324 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,040 But what happens after the biopsy, huh? 325 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:32,040 What happens when you no longer have this to face the world? 326 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,440 You're going to find some other thing to distract you? 327 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,400 Figaro? 328 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,960 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi. What's up? 329 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,400 Hand over the diamonds. 330 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,400 I'm sorry. Diamonds? 331 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,320 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. 332 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,080 - Where is the oyster? - Oh, my God. 333 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,400 Oh, you mean my sweater. Ok. 334 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,480 - Yeah, yeah. - Sure. Where is it? 335 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,360 - Ok, it is coming back to me now. - That's nice. Where is it? 336 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,840 Listen, sir, I'm still rattled from a near-death experience. 337 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,880 Just get on with it, Figaro. 338 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,080 Ok, relax. God. 339 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:24,040 I lost the diamonds when I had a close encounter with hell's mouth. 340 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,920 That's what we call toilets in my culture. 341 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,920 What is the issue? 342 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,440 The funds will be wired from Europe. 343 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,080 Hello? Where are you? 344 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,160 I'm in a middle-school bathroom looking for the oyster. 345 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,480 I have exciting news. 346 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:46,280 I just landed the client... zappos.com's streaming services. 347 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:47,640 They only do remakes now, 348 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,520 and they want you to adapt the Tooth Fairy. 349 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:54,800 - Something fun for the whole familia. - I already told them my idea. 350 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,560 So I hear you're looking for a fun, family friendly summertime movie 351 00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,920 about the Tooth Fairy. 352 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,640 Well, you got it. 353 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,400 My idea would be a story about addiction. 354 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,320 We find this young fairy, alone, shivering, cold and gaunt, 355 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,560 stealing quarters from his father, a fairy plumber. 356 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,280 They live in a tree, but in their world, 357 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,240 this is sort of like a tenement-style building. 358 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,400 Later, we learn that he's stealing the quarters 359 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:21,840 in order to fund his addiction... human teeth, children's teeth. 360 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,720 The fairy dies at the end. 361 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,880 Is this movie going to make a lot of money? 362 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:30,480 No, but you didn't become an executive to make money. 363 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,280 I think they want something more palatable. 364 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,640 Hold on, my little star. Someone's calling. 365 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,440 This is the bank calling you regarding some leaked photographs. 366 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,000 You again? 367 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,920 Ok. Well, now back to finding the oyster. 368 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,440 I am the water. 369 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,480 I am here but also there. 370 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:09,760 I am the water. 371 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,200 Rushing over here. 372 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,280 Cleaning over there. 373 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,960 Hydrating everywhere. 374 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,040 Toilets make me dizzy. 375 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,880 What was your question? I'm about to rain... 376 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,520 Oh, yes, your oyster. 377 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,760 I felt it going down my throat, 378 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:34,800 through my very being, and eventually to my sea. 379 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,360 - Hello? - God, I've been waiting for four hours. 380 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,880 - Hold, please. - No! Do not fucking put me... 381 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,160 I fucking hate Halloween. 382 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,720 Don't even get me started, girl. 383 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,360 Seeing those gross little kids and their fake mermaid tails. 384 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,040 Hello, appropriation much? 385 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,440 Yeah, like, I don't want to see your sad little sneakers 386 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,520 poking out of your green skirt. 387 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,920 Because that's what it is. It's a skirt. 388 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,280 Like, that's not a tail, mama. 389 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,360 If you're going to commit to the look, commit to the look. 390 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,480 Yeah, and drag yourself from door to door with your tail. 391 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,480 Or, like, make a papier mâché rock and have your parents, 392 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,560 I don't know, wheel you around. 393 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,480 Wait, that's a really good idea. 394 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,720 That's genius. 395 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,520 - Should we make them? - Yeah. I can make a website. 396 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,240 I can design the logo right now. 397 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,760 But I feel like we should make the product first. 398 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,560 Ok, well, here we go again. 399 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,040 Should we be getting ahead of ourselves? 400 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,440 That's why you never get anything done. 401 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,880 Am I being, like, too much? 402 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,280 No, you're just pushing me 'cause you're a good friend. 403 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:37,360 You're a really good friend. 404 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,240 My therapist says I need to stop drinking. 405 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,320 My therapist says you need to stop drinking, too. 406 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,480 Shut up. 407 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,280 Vanesja. This is Vanesja. 408 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,240 Hello? Your savings account has been compromised. 409 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,600 Yes, I'm the real bank. 410 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:00,960 Yes, I'm the bank. 411 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,320 Enough. Who does this? 412 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,760 Hello? 413 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:06,920 Hello? 414 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:07,960 Hello. 415 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:12,680 I'm Oscar, 42, Brooklyn, New York. 416 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:16,200 This is my dream for analysis. 417 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,720 For some background information, 418 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,960 my sister and I own and run an internet café. 419 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,520 Well, I'm in charge mostly. 420 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:30,880 She's now busy with new ventures. 421 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:34,240 We're in a substantial amount of debt. 422 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,800 You see, last summer, I walked into our father. 423 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,280 He was passed out, 424 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,000 and I had just heard about a heat-wave warning on the radio, 425 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,280 so, naturally, I called an ambulance. 426 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,080 At the ER, the doctor said he was just taking a nap. 427 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:58,240 But we got slammed with the bill for the ambulance ride nevertheless. 428 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,320 Never mind that we live a block away from the hospital 429 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,040 and spent most of the 45-minute ride looking for parking. 430 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,800 Anywho, we owe a lot of money now, 431 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,080 so Vicky has a few side hustles. 432 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:14,720 She has a franchise for this body-uploading thing. 433 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,000 She sells Clinique products 434 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,840 and makes some, well, scam calls, 435 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,760 all while I run the internet café, which... 436 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,040 ...doesn't make a ton of money. 437 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,280 From my computer screen, 438 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,560 I can see the computer screen of every customer's screen. 439 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,720 They're mostly checking their emails, 440 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,880 paying their bills, playing games. 441 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,400 But I have to keep an eye on anyone watching pornography 442 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,080 or doing any risky activities. 443 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,600 And that is where the dream comes in. 444 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,800 In the dream, well, I was here at work, 445 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,720 sitting at my desk, doing my job. 446 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,200 But this time I saw from my screen 447 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,560 that Vicky is looking at this leather jacket. 448 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,200 And the jacket has this zipper, 449 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:10,480 this nonfunctional zipper, and I am the zipper. 450 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:15,000 And the reviews all say, "Do not buy. 451 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:19,040 Zipper does not open. Zipper just for decoration." 452 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,320 And I'm like, you know, just because I'm a zipper 453 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:24,760 doesn't mean that I'm, well, functional. 454 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,040 You have reached the dream interpretation 24-hour hotline. 455 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,720 Your dream is not ready at this time. Please check back again later. 456 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,040 Proof of existence. 457 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,360 I hear troubled thinking. 458 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,640 What is it, my little star? 459 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,520 I can't get a biopsy because I haven't found the little oyster, 460 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,760 and I can't even upload myself because even they asked for proof of existence. 461 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,280 - Proof of existence. - Oh, no. 462 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,960 Proof of existence is a new form of ID and only $5 per month 463 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,840 that combines all forms of identification. 464 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,760 - Bibo, you have an Alexa in you? - Humiliating. 465 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,480 Now, this I can use. 466 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,280 There's a huge market 467 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,440 - for transsexualism. - Ok. 468 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,320 Proof has teamed up with the government to require this ID at bars, 469 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,880 airports, apartment leases, loans, and venues 470 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,360 by the end of the year via proofreading machines, 471 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,200 which are to be installed this month on public transit. 472 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,280 To get proof, you must prove good credit, 473 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,200 employment history, et cetera, 474 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,080 or become an exception. 475 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,640 Wait, exception. Yes, that's me, exception. 476 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,120 To become an exception, you must submit documents of extraordinary ability, 477 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:42,360 such as mainstream fame, as a household name like Beyoncé or the Minions. 478 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,880 I know a job that can help you achieve this. 479 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,920 But if you do it, 480 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,280 you need to promise me you'll use it to get an apartment 481 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,680 and not to upload yourself. 482 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,040 But what about the mole? 483 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,560 I have connections. 484 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,720 We could get it biopsied. It could be a performance. 485 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,520 Ok, what's the job? I'll do it. 486 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:06,160 I'll do it as long as I don't have to succumb to that horrible, horrible system. 487 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,040 So, whatever this job is, I'll do it. 488 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,520 - It's a credit-card commercial... - I won't do it. 489 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,880 ...targeting young people called ChaChing. 490 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:20,480 And you have to wear a rainbow Pride suit... 491 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,840 ...and a sombrero... Oh, my God. 492 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,600 ...and maracas. 493 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,280 My name's Tito. Can we fuck? 494 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,920 Hey, babe. Two tequila sodas, one vodka cran, and a seltzer. 495 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,360 All different tabs. Thank you. 496 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,280 No one wants to dance with me. Happy fucking birthday. 497 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,080 Hope you're having a fucking great time. 498 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,280 I'm too old for this. I shouldn't have come.