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He is in a trance.
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00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,945
But he doesn't think of jokes.
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He composes the voiceover
I'll tell you right now.
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00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:20,153
Make me accept this
was beyond his wildest dreams.
5
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:23,624
And he doesn't want to waste
opportunity over the frivolous.
6
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:28,829
You have reached voicemail
by comic genius Dave Chappelle.
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00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:32,199
Unfortunately,
he can't or won't talk at the moment,
8
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,635
so please leave a detailed message.
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Yeah.
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THANKS.
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Thank you so much.
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THANKS.
13
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:02,356
What is happening?
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It's good to see everyone here tonight.
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00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,163
THANKS.
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00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,370
Hey, sit down.
Everyone be comfortable and relax.
17
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:19,907
Oh my God.
It's good to be back in Austin, Texas.
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It's good to know that tiles are back.
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Most guys I meet
around these parts
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are dressed like a dyke in New York,
so I'm happy to see that.
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Man! Fucking Texas. This place is...
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It's pretty good.
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Pretty good.
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I was in Santa Fe the other night,
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and some bastard threw a banana peel
to me.
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Yeah, that didn't feel good.
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Of course, he was a white person.
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Not to blame white people. I say it like that.
Not for profiling.
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00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:07,154
And then, not only did he launch
a banana peel towards me, but...
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it was premeditated. We could say so.
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We could say so. The skin was too brown.
You know what I mean?
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00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,431
You haven't eaten this banana recently,
asshole.
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00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:19,199
You had this shit waiting for me.
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00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:25,272
And the whole crowd was white,
so it instantly became scary,
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00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:28,308
and everyone seemed to be
watching 12 Years a Slave.
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00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,643
They were all like...
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00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,482
Who the hell does this?
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00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,952
And then they arrested the guy,
which was...
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00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,790
I said, "Someone's going to fuck you
in the buttocks in the holding cell.
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00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,025
Do you know it's true?
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00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,361
You can't just throw away banana peels
at Dave Chappelle's.
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00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,630
They're not going to let you escape
with that."
43
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,972
And the press called me to tell me:
“Do you have a statement?”
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00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:02,976
“A statement?!
For a fucking banana peel? No!
45
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,945
I have nothing to say."
46
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:11,852
This guy was fucking famous
for throwing me a banana peel.
47
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,656
In twenty years,
he will put his children to bed,
48
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,791
and the children will say,
“Dad, tell me about the day
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00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:21,595
you threw that banana peel at that nigger
in Santa Fe.”
50
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,933
“Boy, I tell you what.
That black bastard had it planned.
51
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,938
I saw his name on the marquee
about a week before.
52
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I said, 'Man, if I could just have
close enough to meet him...
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00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,511
I'd throw a banana at that nigger
and show him how...'"
54
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,917
Fucking Bananagate. I didn't even like it...
55
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,857
I didn't even want to file a complaint.
This has already happened to me.
56
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:54,828
No seriously. Not a banana.
I live in Ohio, right?
57
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,930
So that was a few winters ago.
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00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,599
Oh, I didn't know
you would never applaud for that.
59
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:02,202
Well, okay. This is the first time
this shit has already happened.
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00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:03,704
"Ohio?!"
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00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:08,575
Anyway...
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00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,578
I live among white people.
63
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,050
Small town in Ohio.
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00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:20,254
And it was winter,
and it had snowed recently,
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00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,357
so there are huge snowdrifts on the street.
I was walking with my sister.
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00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:26,193
Now my sister was dressed
in Muslim attire,
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00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:27,494
just like his children,
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00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,429
and I was dressed as Dave Chappelle.
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00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,766
And we walked
and I'm just talking about something,
70
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:36,703
and a car sped around the corner,
and the window fell,
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00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,640
and someone threw a snowball
and hit me directly in the shoulder.
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00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,211
I didn't know what was happening.
Why was this happening?
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00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:47,881
Because I'm black? Because she is Muslim?
Because I'm Dave Chappelle?
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00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:52,986
I couldn't say it.
But again, I knew it was premeditated.
75
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,957
Because who the fuck has a snowball?
in a hot car?
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00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,563
But he didn't mean it
throughout, ma'am.
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00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:05,098
Because he turned the corner
and got stopped at a red light.
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00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,533
He was caught in traffic.
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00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,671
So I ran down the street,
and I just knocked on his window.
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00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,707
"My man, could I just talk to you guys
for a second?
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00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,409
Step outside for a second.
I just want to talk to you."
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00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:18,111
There are four young white guys in the car.
They say, “Relax, brother. »
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00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:21,248
I said, "Relax. I just want to talk."
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00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:23,550
It's an old black thing.
85
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:27,287
I really didn't want to talk.
I was going to screw them up.
86
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,893
So if you ever get stuck in traffic jams,
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00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,162
and a black guy starts saying
he just wants to talk to you,
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00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,363
don't open the door.
89
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,532
Even if it's me who smiles at you.
90
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,371
And they were like,
"Relax, brother. Relax."
91
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,306
And the only guy in the back seat...
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00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,175
I don't know what,
he was just more arrogant than his friends.
93
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:51,678
He said to me: “Damn, man!
I’m going to get out of the car!”
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00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,080
And I started pulling on his door.
95
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,482
“Let me help you, bastard.
Just let me help you.”
96
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,520
And I didn't notice his window was rolled down.
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00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,956
And he threw a snowball,
this shit hit me straight in the chest. Ugh!
98
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,359
He said, “Fuck you, you fucking nigger!”
99
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,262
And then the light turned green
and they left at full speed.
100
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,864
And I smiled from ear to ear.
101
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:14,601
I looked at my sister,
and she said, “I have the plates.”
102
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:19,506
And I was happy as fuck because
throw a snowball at an asshole
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00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,341
is a tortious assault.
104
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,810
But if you call him a nigger
when you do it,
105
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,279
It’s a hate crime.
106
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,983
And my sister and I start dancing.
107
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,686
"We're going to send this bastard
imprison!”
108
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,791
I didn't notice it,
but while I was yelling at him,
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00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:41,461
a crowd of entirely white people had formed,
because it was an all-white town.
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00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,997
And I was like, “Uh-oh.”
I thought I was going to get blown up.
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00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:48,368
Then one of these white guys stepped in
and he said to me, “I didn’t like it at all.
112
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,073
That’s not what this city is about.
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00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,642
I don't want these damn things
in my neighborhood."
114
00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:00,180
And another white guy said to me:
"Yeah! I didn't like that either!"
115
00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:03,250
And then an old white guy came out
from the crowd and said,
116
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:05,319
"Young man, if you want to fill
a police report,
117
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:08,155
I would like to come with you
and do the same.”
118
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,957
I said, “Would you do that for me?”
119
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,960
And the whole crowd said: “Hurray!
I said, “Come on, all of you!”
120
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,162
I looked like Malcolm
I'm going to see Brother Johnson
121
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:16,230
with a trail of white people.
122
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:27,074
Unreal. An hour later,
we were all sitting at the police station,
123
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,510
and the police entered.
They said, "Well, Mr. Chappelle...
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00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,346
sixteen identical police reports.
125
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:37,351
We walked the markers. Two young men
who had their mother's car.
126
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:41,288
We have all four suspects in custody,
and the mother is there.
127
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,591
It's yours. Whatever you want to do.
128
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,760
If you want to file a complaint,
we will move forward.
129
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,262
Mr. Chappelle, are you okay?”
130
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,630
“Huh?
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00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,733
Sorry about that, officer.
I'm a little upset.
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00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,668
I've never been in a position
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00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,604
where I could decide the fate
white children before.
134
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:58,672
But...
135
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,910
This weighs heavily on me, sir.
136
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,113
And I really can't decide."
137
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,651
And I saw a lady pacing
in the entrance,
138
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,387
and I said, “Is that…”
He replies: “Yes, it’s their mother.”
139
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,190
"Can I talk to him
before making a decision? »
140
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:20,227
And when the mother came in
and she saw it was me,
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00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:21,862
she started to cry.
142
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,298
“Oh, my God. Oh, no.
I don't want him to go to prison.
143
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,567
I'm so sorry.
I didn't raise him to do that.
144
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,402
We love your comedy.
We love you at home.
145
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:31,371
I said, "Miss, please, just...
All right, look.
146
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:34,374
I don't necessarily want your son
neither go to prison.
147
00:09:36,210 --> 00:09:38,912
But what he did was really fucked up.
148
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:42,382
So is there anything we can do,
running out of prison,
149
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,351
just to let him know he’s wrong?”
150
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,887
She said, “I don’t know.
What did you have in mind?"
151
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,122
“Miss, I have never been there
in this position before.
152
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:56,129
Oh, you know what we could do?
I don't know if I'm asking too much.
153
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:59,132
But maybe if you...
if you could just...
154
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,803
suck my cock a little.
Just a little bit.
155
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,338
I'm not going to finish.
156
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,574
I just want you to do it enough
so I can tell him you did it.
157
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:13,080
I'm kidding.
158
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,317
I'm kidding.
I wouldn't do that to anyone's mother.
159
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,153
Maybe the mother of my child, but that's it.
160
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:27,427
Ebola was in Texas. Ebola paid a visit.
161
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:34,801
I killed this man in Dallas.
Five days later, this man melted to death.
162
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:38,338
What happened to the brother in Dallas?
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00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:41,341
“Where was the secret serum?”
that's what we all said.
164
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,211
I remember the start of Ebola,
165
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,182
there were two American doctors
who fell ill in Africa.
166
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,685
They flew them straight into a private jet
in Atlanta, at the CDC.
167
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,621
I didn't even know the CDC was seeing patients.
168
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,127
There, it was said that they administered
169
00:11:00,194 --> 00:11:03,463
what The New York Times called
“a secret serum.”
170
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:07,000
I don't know what's in it.
This is exactly Colonel Sanders' recipe.
171
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,737
But these two motherfuckers survived.
172
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,639
These doctors, thank God, are in good health.
173
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,175
They are somewhere tonight
at Whole Foods,
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00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,644
touch vegetables, take a walk.
175
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,179
Everything is fine.
176
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,082
"Hey, Frank. How are you?"
177
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:25,886
“Didn’t you hear? I had Ebola last week.
But I'm fine now.
178
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,822
I was bleeding from my eyes and anus,
so I worried,
179
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,224
But I'm fine."
180
00:11:33,427 --> 00:11:35,395
What happened to the brother in Dallas?
181
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,697
They just rubbed some Vicks
on this nigga's chest.
182
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,765
“Good luck, little buddy.”
183
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,110
I knew he wouldn't make it.
184
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:54,414
I remember. Sad.
185
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,850
I saw in The New York Times...
186
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:00,954
they said Ebola was the new AIDS.
187
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,156
Phew! Isn't that something?
188
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,926
Here I am, thinking that old AIDS
worked very well,
189
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,929
and they already have new AIDS.
190
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,597
Isn't it amazing how they do that?
191
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:14,067
Isn't it weird how there is a disease
it just starts in 1980,
192
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:17,037
and it doesn't kill anyone
but niggas, fags and druggies?
193
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,973
Isn't this an amazing fucking coincidence
194
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,577
that this disease hates everyone
that old white people hate?
195
00:12:30,284 --> 00:12:31,752
I think either God is white,
196
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:34,621
or the government hid this shit
in disco balls.
197
00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:38,258
Only funny people get AIDS.
198
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,864
Last month,
on the cover of The New York Times,
199
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:45,832
measles was making headlines.
200
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,936
I had to check the date on the paper.
I said to myself: "Measles? Is it 1850?
201
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:53,040
What is this?
Why is measles making headlines?”
202
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:57,978
It turns out they were trying to decide
whether vaccinations are compulsory for children
203
00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,446
This is the path we all want to follow.
204
00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:00,647
Any thoughts?
205
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:06,987
Do you say yes?
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I just...
206
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,525
I don't know. I don't know about this one.
207
00:13:11,592 --> 00:13:15,495
First of all, black people in general
don't trust doctors.
208
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,366
After the Tuskegee experiments
and all that shit.
209
00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:22,703
Most importantly, remember
Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor.
210
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,907
Of course, he was on drugs.
But if I were a heroin addict
211
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,843
and I had a licensed physician
injecting myself with heroin,
212
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,144
I should survive this.
213
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,349
I'd just say, "I'm fine, right?"
I'm doing well?
214
00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:37,584
It's not too much, is it? »
215
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,722
Dr. Butterfingers killed Michael Jackson.
216
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:44,191
After that, I said to myself:
“Fuck go to the doctor.”
217
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,828
Why do I receive
my children vaccinated
218
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,630
for an old disease like measles?
219
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:52,866
Might as well give them
a diarrhea vaccine if you are so worried.
220
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:57,004
Diarrhea has a higher body count
than measles.
221
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,475
You know, diarrhea is funny today, but...
222
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,245
A hundred years ago,
if your ass had diarrhea,
223
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:08,749
you were done for.
There was no chance of survival.
224
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:11,018
You get that first squirt. Phew! Uh-oh.
225
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:14,521
“I better start putting my affairs in order.
226
00:14:15,656 --> 00:14:18,559
I don't have much time.
It's diarrhea. It’s very serious.”
227
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,563
You just watch your boyfriend slowly die
in a pool of his own shit.
228
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,765
Phew! “Oh. Oh.
229
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:25,966
I give up, diarrhea.”
230
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,402
Pfffft! “You are too strong.” Phew!
231
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,774
Nowadays your boyfriend would say,
“Do you have diarrhea?
232
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,343
Just eat a banana, nigga.
Drink some water. Let's go to the club.
233
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,579
We can still make one last call.”
234
00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:44,418
This is a difficult time for black people.
235
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,793
These are not good times for black people.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
236
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,195
The police are killing us again.
237
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,067
It's very unfortunate
a set of circumstances,
238
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,668
because we were doing very well.
239
00:15:02,603 --> 00:15:06,874
You know, America is in the racial hot seat.
I think we can all agree that this is the truth.
240
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:10,377
And we can also agree that this harness
is traditionally busy
241
00:15:10,444 --> 00:15:14,748
by African Americans in general,
African American men in particular.
242
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,385
Although I have noticed that in recent years,
243
00:15:18,452 --> 00:15:21,822
this seat was occupied by Mexicans...
244
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,625
and I dare say the Arabs.
245
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,895
And we, black Americans,
246
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,364
I would like to thank you both
for your sacrifice
247
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,732
and your struggle.
248
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,903
We needed a break.
249
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,306
We needed a fucking break.
250
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,176
We're all going through something,
251
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,678
but at least I can leave
my backpack somewhere.
252
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:52,118
If you are Arab and you forget your backpack,
you have about 20 minutes
253
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:55,489
before sending this robot
to blow your shit up.
254
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:59,793
You can kiss all this engineering homework
goodbye Fouhad.
255
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,934
Now ISIS is number one
on terrorist cards.
256
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:11,271
And ISIS is really scary.
257
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:15,042
Because if ISIS catches you,
They will cut off your head.
258
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,412
That's what they do.
I saw them doing it on YouTube.
259
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,415
It was really horrible.
He looked straight into the camera and said:
260
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,585
“Obama, I’m back.”
261
00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:28,388
I saw that shit, I said, “Oh, my God.
262
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,123
I don't like it."
263
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,265
How does this guy cut off people's heads?
on Youtube?
264
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:39,900
I can't even post a dick pic,
265
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:42,769
and this bastard
decapitates people.
266
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:46,840
I will have to change my settings.
267
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:53,814
You know, everyone has a hard time.
But I think it's harder than black people
268
00:16:53,881 --> 00:16:57,384
and harder than Arabs and Mexicans,
you know who has it worse?
269
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,819
Big black guys.
270
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:09,563
This is hard for white people to understand.
but what I say is very true.
271
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,599
Big black guys have a really tough road,
272
00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:14,668
because anyway
things kill white people.
273
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:16,803
But you know what kills the most black people
than anything,
274
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,305
more than the police and terrorism?
275
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:21,875
Salt, nigga. Ordinary table salt.
276
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,646
Here the white people
we get cures for Ebola and all that,
277
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,315
and meanwhile,
I'm dying from the fucking aroma.
278
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:37,558
Listen, honestly,
I'm going to stop talking about it.
279
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,294
But let me say this.
Let me say this.
280
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,163
Can we all just say
that we saw it coming?
281
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,231
Were you surprised?
282
00:17:44,298 --> 00:17:46,166
It's like when this guy launched
this banana against me.
283
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,269
Do you think I was surprised? Certainly not.
284
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:53,740
I've been in show business for 30 years.
I was expecting this banana.
285
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:55,943
I had one of those nights...
286
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:58,645
I was like, "Someone's going to throw
a banana on me one of these nights.
287
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,785
Because that's how it starts,
with the insults.
288
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:08,889
Like this Paula Deen. Remember Paula Deen
was fired from the Food Network?
289
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,191
If you know anything about show business,
290
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:14,995
it's really hard to get fired
from the fucking Food Network.
291
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,599
And they let that bitch down
like a hot potato.
292
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:24,671
All because she called someone an N-word
30 years before she had a show.
293
00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,373
I don't know who she told it to,
294
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,342
but whoever it is
I just looked at her like,
295
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,110
“I’ll get you for this, bitch.”
296
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,716
This shit came back 30 years later
like a Bill Cosby rape
297
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,484
and sank his battleship.
298
00:18:42,256 --> 00:18:45,826
And every black man was crazy,
but we weren't just crazy.
299
00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:48,896
It was more confusing
how exasperating it was.
300
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:52,733
I was like, “Well, how’s that bitch?
I'm going to call myself a nigger
301
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,270
when she taught me how to fry chicken?
It's not fair."
302
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:07,481
I think it's Donald Sterling shit
was more serious.
303
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:09,983
Remember Donald Sterling?
He owned the Clippers,
304
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:13,720
and then he got caught
on a secretly recorded cassette
305
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:18,425
say very unsavory things
on African Americans.
306
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,261
And there's a lesson in that
for all of us.
307
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:27,401
The lesson is that if you are old
and white and racist
308
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,136
in this great country,
309
00:19:29,203 --> 00:19:30,838
whatever you do...
310
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:36,210
don't tell your black girlfriend
about this shit. Because...
311
00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:40,480
that's who made the tape.
312
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,049
She recorded all this shit.
And the tape was terrible.
313
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:47,586
He said to me: "Stop bringing black people
to my games."
314
00:19:48,088 --> 00:19:49,256
At first we were all confused.
315
00:19:49,323 --> 00:19:51,725
"How the fuck are you going to play a game
without us?"
316
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:59,132
But it turned out that black
he was talking about
317
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:04,004
was none other than Magic Johnson,
the billionaire!
318
00:20:04,071 --> 00:20:05,739
Amazing.
319
00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:09,409
I never even mentioned the fact
that he had AIDS,
320
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:12,179
that's the first thing I would have said
to my girlfriend.
321
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:19,086
This guy must be really racist
if AIDS is the footnote.
322
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,557
“You have to be careful, baby.
He caught old Ebola. »
323
00:20:35,269 --> 00:20:38,272
You can say whatever you want about this girl,
but I'll tell you now
324
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:41,275
she's a fucking heroine.
325
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:44,912
You might have thought
these things happened before,
326
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:48,148
but now you can see everything in front of you
Without a shadow of a doubt.
327
00:20:48,215 --> 00:20:50,184
This shit actually broke down.
328
00:20:51,151 --> 00:20:52,986
She sucked this old man's cock.
329
00:20:55,656 --> 00:20:57,958
She really took one for the team
on that one.
330
00:20:58,859 --> 00:21:01,762
It's really disgusting.
His cock is about 80 years old.
331
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,097
It's like tasting history.
332
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:08,802
Like, five wars on that,
the civil rights movement,
333
00:21:08,869 --> 00:21:10,270
The Great Depression.
334
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:15,108
This guy has been fucking for 40 years
before Bill Cosby's first rape.
335
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:16,343
He is a very old man.
336
00:21:17,244 --> 00:21:18,712
A very old penis.
337
00:21:22,816 --> 00:21:26,053
But all this shit
is still just insults.
338
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,089
As if the insults never stop
the modern black man.
339
00:21:29,156 --> 00:21:31,658
That won't do the trick.
I don't care about that.
340
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:34,928
If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken,
and for some reason,
341
00:21:34,995 --> 00:21:40,467
everyone behind the counter had
a Ku Klux Klan hood on his head,
342
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:42,102
what do you think i will do
in our time?
343
00:21:42,169 --> 00:21:45,072
Running out of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Not if I'm hungry.
344
00:21:47,274 --> 00:21:50,444
I'll go straight ahead.
"Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece."
345
00:21:51,445 --> 00:21:52,813
I don't care what he says.
346
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,249
“You want a cookie with that, nigger?”
347
00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:59,419
“I thought it came with a biscuit.
What is all this attitude?
348
00:22:02,923 --> 00:22:05,826
I want a two-piece. And let it jump.
You know what it is.”
349
00:22:07,461 --> 00:22:09,596
But I'm not going to be angry.
Why would I be angry?
350
00:22:10,197 --> 00:22:13,267
He is the one who has to work
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.
351
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:25,546
What do you say to that? What if I lived in Austin
and I had a white girlfriend?
352
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:26,747
It's possible in Austin.
353
00:22:26,813 --> 00:22:29,550
In reality,
some say it is necessary.
354
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:31,185
But that's not the point.
355
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,889
And me and my white girlfriend are
at home one evening,
356
00:22:35,956 --> 00:22:37,558
and we just do what lovers do.
357
00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:40,527
Maybe she's naked
and she is on her knees,
358
00:22:40,594 --> 00:22:42,796
while giving me a handjob.
I love a good hand job.
359
00:22:42,863 --> 00:22:44,731
And she really jerks me off.
360
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:47,234
You know,
get his obliques nice and tight.
361
00:22:47,301 --> 00:22:49,102
I have a huge cock, so she's like...
362
00:22:52,172 --> 00:22:55,375
And I'm like, "Wow,
it's really wonderful.
363
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:57,845
I think I'll come."
364
00:22:57,911 --> 00:23:00,781
And then she looks at me and says:
“Come in front...
365
00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:02,549
nigger.”
366
00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:06,086
I know, it's a difficult question.
367
00:23:08,055 --> 00:23:10,357
Well, what do you think I'm going to do?
"Hey!"
368
00:23:16,864 --> 00:23:18,699
Now is not the time for integrity.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
369
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:21,168
I punch his face.
370
00:23:22,870 --> 00:23:24,671
I'll sort out the ethics later.
371
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,076
But I'm what you call a man of my word.
372
00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:31,011
If I say I'm coming, I'm coming.
373
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,648
I don't care what happens.
God forbid someone might shoot me.
374
00:23:34,715 --> 00:23:36,283
If I say I'm coming, there's still this...
375
00:23:43,156 --> 00:23:45,259
That doesn't mean I like getting shot.
376
00:23:54,535 --> 00:23:58,238
Oh man.
Yes, it's a difficult time for black people.
377
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:01,542
I won't say anything
about the police.
378
00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,443
I leave that to Chris Rock.
379
00:24:08,348 --> 00:24:11,852
The other great history of sport
it was, goddamn, the Ray Rice tape.
380
00:24:11,919 --> 00:24:14,121
Has anyone seen the Ray Rice tape?
381
00:24:18,425 --> 00:24:20,761
I can't stop looking at it.
382
00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:24,131
It's really horrible.
383
00:24:24,198 --> 00:24:26,934
It's the most violent thing
I saw happen to a woman
384
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,635
which was shot in color.
385
00:24:30,070 --> 00:24:32,840
Really bad.
If I could have frozen time at that moment
386
00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:34,641
and gave some advice to Ray Rice,
387
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:37,211
I don't think there is any possible way
I would be like...
388
00:24:37,911 --> 00:24:39,580
“You should punch her in the face.”
389
00:24:41,381 --> 00:24:42,983
This is a really bad fucking idea.
390
00:24:44,384 --> 00:24:47,321
At the same time, I also believe
she shouldn't have pressed him.
391
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,624
What the hell is this? You can't beat it.
392
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:54,995
Don't rush a trained bastard
to people who have stiff arms in the clutch.
393
00:24:55,996 --> 00:24:57,531
He will take over.
394
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:05,939
The only reason I bring it up is because
he's about to play football again.
395
00:25:07,241 --> 00:25:11,778
You didn't know that?
The NFL was told by a federal judge
396
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:13,714
they had to reinstate Ray Rice
397
00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:17,818
because it was transparent
with their investigation.
398
00:25:17,885 --> 00:25:20,487
He told them exactly what he had done.
399
00:25:20,554 --> 00:25:24,057
And they can't just change their decision
just because the tape came out.
400
00:25:24,124 --> 00:25:27,027
I understand. It's like I'm dragging
with my friends, and I say to myself,
401
00:25:27,094 --> 00:25:28,662
“Hey guys, guess what I did last night?
402
00:25:28,729 --> 00:25:30,831
I fucked this big fat girl I met
at the club."
403
00:25:30,898 --> 00:25:33,667
And they're all like,
"Oh, shit, Dave. This is crazy."
404
00:25:36,436 --> 00:25:39,273
And then they see a tape of me doing it,
and they're like...
405
00:25:42,209 --> 00:25:44,611
“We can’t go out with you anymore, Dave.
406
00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:47,481
That’s not the goal of this crew. »
407
00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:50,784
I was like, “What?
I told you what I did.”
408
00:25:54,154 --> 00:25:57,858
What's really screwed up is the tape
was made before their marriage.
409
00:25:58,492 --> 00:25:59,593
Isn't that weird?
410
00:26:00,527 --> 00:26:02,663
I don't know why she would do that.
I don't even know why he would do that.
411
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:05,432
As a guy,
Would you like to live with a woman
412
00:26:05,499 --> 00:26:09,036
that you once punched in the face
with all your strength?
413
00:26:10,204 --> 00:26:12,739
It's very bold
Color Purple-type shit.
414
00:26:12,806 --> 00:26:15,342
“Celie! Come here and shave me!”
415
00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:24,785
Are you fucking crazy?
416
00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:33,459
I had to ask one of my older friends,
just to get some perspective,
417
00:26:33,527 --> 00:26:34,695
this older black guy.
418
00:26:35,661 --> 00:26:38,697
In fact, the fairest person I have ever met.
And I asked him.
419
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:42,868
I just said, "Hey, man,
Did you see that Ray Rice video?”
420
00:26:42,936 --> 00:26:46,073
And instantly he said:
“David, that shit was disgusting.”
421
00:26:47,140 --> 00:26:49,376
And then a moment later, he leaves...
422
00:26:51,345 --> 00:26:53,146
“I wonder what she said to him.”
423
00:26:58,819 --> 00:27:00,554
I don't think it matters.
424
00:27:01,488 --> 00:27:03,924
I think the idea is that you're not supposed to
to hit her in the face.
425
00:27:04,958 --> 00:27:06,860
Because my wife says horrible shit to me.
426
00:27:06,927 --> 00:27:09,763
One day my wife called me an asshole...
427
00:27:10,931 --> 00:27:12,733
in front of the guests.
428
00:27:15,002 --> 00:27:17,704
I know. I started to get angry,
but then I said to myself,
429
00:27:17,771 --> 00:27:19,373
"Fuck. She's probably right."
430
00:27:23,477 --> 00:27:25,445
I am a pussy. I admit it.
431
00:27:26,613 --> 00:27:30,350
I am gentle, warm and persuasive,
like a real pussy.
432
00:27:32,319 --> 00:27:33,320
That's correct.
433
00:27:37,024 --> 00:27:40,093
Then I told him, "If you're not careful
of me correctly,
434
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,162
I might stink, like your pussy.
435
00:27:42,229 --> 00:27:44,031
Ohh!
436
00:27:44,765 --> 00:27:46,800
Oh we fight dirty
at the Chappelle house.
437
00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:48,235
It's not serious.
438
00:27:51,071 --> 00:27:54,241
No no. If you want to go deep
of an affair of the heart,
439
00:27:54,308 --> 00:27:56,376
what you're supposed to do
that's asking a woman.
440
00:27:56,443 --> 00:27:58,679
Now, in fact,
There are two women I know...
441
00:27:58,745 --> 00:28:01,715
they are both university professors
in this little corner where I live,
442
00:28:01,782 --> 00:28:04,117
and I meet them twice a week
to Starbucks for a coffee.
443
00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:06,320
We're talking about important bullshit.
444
00:28:08,689 --> 00:28:10,390
And I asked the girls...
we were in a klatch cafe.
445
00:28:10,457 --> 00:28:13,794
I said, "Yo, why do you all think
that this woman stayed with Ray Rice
446
00:28:14,695 --> 00:28:17,297
after hitting him in the face
with all his might? »
447
00:28:20,734 --> 00:28:24,137
And one of my friends said to me:
“David, you need to fucking wake up.
448
00:28:25,038 --> 00:28:26,740
She stays for the money.”
449
00:28:27,908 --> 00:28:30,410
Now wait a minute,
because my other girlfriend was like,
450
00:28:30,477 --> 00:28:34,481
“I don’t agree.
I think she really likes him.”
451
00:28:35,415 --> 00:28:37,351
And I said, “Wait a minute, ladies.
You know what?
452
00:28:37,417 --> 00:28:39,686
I think you're both right."
453
00:28:40,888 --> 00:28:45,292
And what I was doing when I said that
preserved the possibility
454
00:28:45,359 --> 00:28:47,327
of a threesome with these sluts.
455
00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:52,032
I had eaten that pussy
456
00:28:52,099 --> 00:28:54,568
one cup of coffee at a time
for about four years.
457
00:28:54,635 --> 00:28:58,305
I wasn't going to waste this hard work
with some Ray Rice shit.
458
00:28:58,372 --> 00:28:59,840
I don't care much.
459
00:29:05,846 --> 00:29:07,080
I'm just being realistic.
460
00:29:08,148 --> 00:29:09,917
This is fucked up, man.
This is a difficult time for black people.
461
00:29:09,983 --> 00:29:12,319
- I love you, Dave!
- I love you too.
462
00:29:12,386 --> 00:29:15,055
And then here is the banana peel.
I'm expecting it any second.
463
00:29:16,190 --> 00:29:17,858
You know, that's how it starts.
464
00:29:20,194 --> 00:29:24,698
I saw in the newspaper today
that the guy who threw the banana at me
465
00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:27,000
I was arrested again
because he threw a banana
466
00:29:27,067 --> 00:29:29,603
at another bastard's house in a bar
in Santa Fe.
467
00:29:29,670 --> 00:29:32,072
Look for it online after the show.
He actually did that.
468
00:29:32,139 --> 00:29:34,808
And this guy was black too.
I say it like that.
469
00:29:36,543 --> 00:29:38,312
And you know why the guy said
Did he do it that night?
470
00:29:38,378 --> 00:29:41,014
He said, "I did it
because Dave Chappelle is racist.”
471
00:29:41,081 --> 00:29:45,219
So, nigga? This is not the best way
deal with it if I'm racist.
472
00:29:45,953 --> 00:29:47,521
What if Martin Luther King
I just went around
473
00:29:47,588 --> 00:29:50,324
throw a tuna casserole at white people?
Would that work?
474
00:29:54,728 --> 00:29:56,597
- Eh?
- Come on, Dave!
475
00:29:56,663 --> 00:29:59,266
Your daughter is seething.
She's totally drunk, buddy.
476
00:30:00,634 --> 00:30:02,603
Listen, sir,
I don't know what she says,
477
00:30:02,669 --> 00:30:04,905
but just follow my advice.
Put some water in her,
478
00:30:04,972 --> 00:30:07,341
or you will have a dry pussy
When you come home.
479
00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:18,852
His cock is going to be
I got irritated tomorrow.
480
00:30:21,054 --> 00:30:24,324
Holy Mary. Who put a cigarette here?
Does anyone have a cigarette I can borrow?
481
00:30:25,659 --> 00:30:28,161
Yeah. You, my guy. Yeah, please.
482
00:30:29,029 --> 00:30:30,631
Ohh!
483
00:30:31,798 --> 00:30:36,236
Let me see. It's a minty Marlboro.
It could have been anyone.
484
00:30:37,838 --> 00:30:39,640
If it was Newport, I'd say,
“A black guy vomited this.”
485
00:30:39,706 --> 00:30:42,910
But a minty Marlboro,
It’s one of those enigmas.
486
00:30:49,283 --> 00:30:50,284
Oh.
487
00:30:57,124 --> 00:30:58,759
Is the word “pussy” offensive?
488
00:30:58,825 --> 00:31:00,561
No!
489
00:31:02,095 --> 00:31:04,731
All right, I'm just checking, I'm just checking.
490
00:31:05,899 --> 00:31:09,570
I asked this crowd when we were in Denver,
"Is the word 'pussy' offensive?"
491
00:31:09,636 --> 00:31:12,739
And the whole crowd said no,
except for two people.
492
00:31:12,806 --> 00:31:17,811
One was a woman in front,
older than me, maybe about my age.
493
00:31:18,579 --> 00:31:21,882
Definitely feminist.
You know what I mean.
494
00:31:21,949 --> 00:31:24,117
Short haircut, checked shirt.
You know what I'm saying.
495
00:31:26,687 --> 00:31:29,556
And she didn't say it offended her.
What she said was she said:
496
00:31:29,623 --> 00:31:31,692
“I’m uncomfortable with that word.”
497
00:31:31,758 --> 00:31:33,961
And I was like, “Really? What about you?”
498
00:31:36,797 --> 00:31:40,033
And before I can ask him why,
there was a guy on the balcony...
499
00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:42,436
I don't think he was telling me that,
but he said that.
500
00:31:42,503 --> 00:31:45,939
Everyone heard him say it.
He said, “It’s delicious.”
501
00:31:46,006 --> 00:31:47,040
I was like, “What?
502
00:31:52,579 --> 00:31:56,250
I don't think I've ever heard of pussy
called delicious before in my life.
503
00:31:56,316 --> 00:31:58,685
Now, that doesn't mean it's bad.
504
00:31:59,753 --> 00:32:01,989
But it's definitely an acquired taste.
505
00:32:04,024 --> 00:32:06,293
I don't think any of us
tasted pussy our first time like...
506
00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:09,830
"Mmm! It's good!"
507
00:32:12,432 --> 00:32:13,634
Something needs to be done.
508
00:32:19,573 --> 00:32:22,876
You know, it's illegal for a gynecologist
say the word "pussy".
509
00:32:24,044 --> 00:32:25,379
They can only say "vagina."
510
00:32:25,445 --> 00:32:27,781
or they can name individual pieces
medically,
511
00:32:27,848 --> 00:32:31,418
but they can never say in shorthand,
even if the gynecologist is a woman.
512
00:32:31,952 --> 00:32:33,620
I feel like if that were the case
a female gynecologist is cool.
513
00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:35,689
Like, “Am I okay?
She said, "Girl, that pussy is..."
514
00:32:36,823 --> 00:32:39,393
She would say, "Yeah."
515
00:32:42,394 --> 00:32:45,130
I don't think men should be allowed
be gynecologists.
516
00:32:46,266 --> 00:32:48,435
This shit is a conflict of interest.
517
00:32:51,505 --> 00:32:54,641
Even when my wife was pregnant,
we went to a gynecologist...
518
00:32:57,511 --> 00:32:59,947
and he lifted her legs
dans cet étrier comme ça.
519
00:33:00,013 --> 00:33:02,182
He said: "Very well, Mrs. Chappelle,
Just try to relax.”
520
00:33:02,249 --> 00:33:03,884
I would push him.
“Back off, motherfucker! I get it.
521
00:33:03,951 --> 00:33:05,519
Just tell me what to look for. »
522
00:33:13,427 --> 00:33:15,429
One of those home checks.
523
00:33:17,164 --> 00:33:19,099
There are too many ethical questions
when men do that.
524
00:33:19,166 --> 00:33:22,269
Like, can a gynecologist
lose their license...
525
00:33:23,670 --> 00:33:25,772
for feeling their fingers during an exam?
526
00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,574
Is this illegal?
527
00:33:30,075 --> 00:33:32,077
How could they not? They are men.
528
00:33:33,981 --> 00:33:36,683
It's like you're having a good barbecue,
you don't even think about it.
529
00:33:36,750 --> 00:33:37,751
You just...
530
00:33:44,658 --> 00:33:48,695
The word "pussy" is nothing but offensive
if you are older.
531
00:33:48,762 --> 00:33:51,265
People my age and younger,
I don't even think we...
532
00:33:51,331 --> 00:33:52,900
We dance to this shit.
533
00:33:54,401 --> 00:33:56,570
This song is on the radio...
I beat my pussy
534
00:33:56,637 --> 00:33:58,805
It's on the radio.
I beat my pussy
535
00:33:58,872 --> 00:34:00,574
It's a pretty tough song.
536
00:34:01,942 --> 00:34:05,078
This has nothing to do with a love song.
There is no trace of her tears,
537
00:34:05,145 --> 00:34:06,813
no midnight train to Georgia.
538
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:11,618
This man is simply fucking his pussy.
539
00:34:11,685 --> 00:34:14,521
Amazing.
540
00:34:15,222 --> 00:34:16,957
You don't even know
if he sleeps with these women.
541
00:34:17,024 --> 00:34:19,693
They could just drop their pants.
He would say, poof!
542
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:20,928
“Unit G!”
543
00:34:25,732 --> 00:34:27,201
You will watch HBO.
544
00:34:27,267 --> 00:34:30,204
"Hello, my name is Larry Merchant,
standing here at ringside with pussy
545
00:34:30,270 --> 00:34:32,472
after a devastating fight with 50 Cent.
546
00:34:32,539 --> 00:34:35,108
Pussy, come over here
and let me talk to you for a second.
547
00:34:35,175 --> 00:34:37,678
God, you look horrible.
Your lips look swollen.
548
00:34:37,744 --> 00:34:39,112
You're bleeding a little.
549
00:34:39,179 --> 00:34:42,382
Tell me, pussy, what happened inside
of this ring with 50?”
550
00:34:43,517 --> 00:34:45,485
“I don’t know, Larry.
I felt really good in the first round.
551
00:34:45,552 --> 00:34:46,653
I was ready to fight.
552
00:34:47,821 --> 00:34:49,590
I was hot and wet, and...
553
00:34:51,091 --> 00:34:53,493
I don't know. He just hit me
from angles I didn't expect.
554
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,264
Front left.
It was the back that surprised me the most.”
555
00:34:59,366 --> 00:35:00,934
"Well, pussy,
Let's take a look at the fourth round.
556
00:35:01,001 --> 00:35:02,903
This is where everything went wrong for you.
557
00:35:03,837 --> 00:35:06,139
There you go, you're coming out of your corner, pussy.
You fight really well.
558
00:35:06,206 --> 00:35:08,041
Looks like you're 50
with a right and a left,
559
00:35:08,108 --> 00:35:11,278
but then 50 slips up on you. And there.
There. Right there. Do you see that?
560
00:35:11,345 --> 00:35:13,146
He hits you right there...
561
00:35:13,213 --> 00:35:15,249
this little bean thing
you have on top of your head.
562
00:35:15,315 --> 00:35:16,550
I don't know what it is.
563
00:35:18,051 --> 00:35:20,420
There are 50 who strike
to this grain, again and again.
564
00:35:20,487 --> 00:35:23,323
Now, pussy, tell me,
what goes on in a fighter's head
565
00:35:23,390 --> 00:35:26,360
when their grain is shaken
like that?"
566
00:35:28,462 --> 00:35:29,830
"I don't think
I was thinking nonsense, Larry.
567
00:35:29,897 --> 00:35:32,466
I am a very good defensive fighter.
It's really hard to reach me.
568
00:35:33,767 --> 00:35:36,170
I've never been hit directly
on my bean before.
569
00:35:37,638 --> 00:35:41,074
In fact, most fighters
I don't even know this bean exists.
570
00:35:42,609 --> 00:35:44,678
I guess he just hit me,
then I lost control of my legs.
571
00:35:44,745 --> 00:35:46,013
I don’t know what else to tell you.”
572
00:35:49,950 --> 00:35:52,719
I like it when Lil Wayne talks about pussy,
because he is...
573
00:35:52,786 --> 00:35:55,355
Remember Lil Wayne had this song?
He says,
574
00:35:55,422 --> 00:35:57,891
"I have a dog that plays movies
In my jacuzzi"
575
00:35:57,958 --> 00:35:59,359
Then he said this:
576
00:36:00,260 --> 00:36:01,595
"Juicy pussy"
577
00:36:05,132 --> 00:36:07,968
This shit...
This shit always makes me laugh.
578
00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:11,738
No guy says that.
Only Lil Wayne says shit like that.
579
00:36:11,805 --> 00:36:13,473
If you fucked a girl,
and she said, “Is this pussy good?”
580
00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:15,609
And you're like,
"Yeah, it's juicy. It's good."
581
00:36:16,910 --> 00:36:18,278
The pussy was juicy.
582
00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:22,916
This is why I'm not Lil Wayne.
Because if I was in a hot tub with a girl,
583
00:36:22,983 --> 00:36:28,956
and i could tell the pussy was juicy
while I was in the hot tub,
584
00:36:29,957 --> 00:36:31,592
I would probably get out of the bathtub.
585
00:36:33,327 --> 00:36:34,728
I'm a germaphobe.
586
00:36:36,263 --> 00:36:37,831
I just imagine Lil Wayne as...
587
00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:40,901
"What is this strange oil...
588
00:36:43,036 --> 00:36:45,205
float in my spa water?
589
00:36:47,207 --> 00:36:48,775
It’s pussy juice.”
590
00:36:51,044 --> 00:36:52,479
This shit was so funny to me,
591
00:36:52,546 --> 00:36:55,782
I had to write, like,
no less than 40 jokes
592
00:36:55,849 --> 00:36:57,651
with the punchline "pussy juice",
593
00:36:58,785 --> 00:37:02,256
and all worked to some extent
100% of the time.
594
00:37:03,490 --> 00:37:05,626
I'll do one more just so you believe me.
All right.
595
00:37:07,528 --> 00:37:10,364
All right. In this next piece,
596
00:37:12,099 --> 00:37:14,334
This is a special episode of CSI.
597
00:37:15,769 --> 00:37:18,805
For certain reasons,
Lil Wayne guest starring
598
00:37:19,606 --> 00:37:21,909
as lead detective. All right?
599
00:37:21,975 --> 00:37:25,179
This is the setup. Are you ready?
So.
600
00:37:27,414 --> 00:37:29,917
"Has anyone else been
at this crime scene?"
601
00:37:31,818 --> 00:37:32,819
"No."
602
00:37:35,155 --> 00:37:36,757
“It’s very strange.
603
00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:41,828
This place is practically untouched.
No forced entry.
604
00:37:42,663 --> 00:37:44,631
No signs of struggle.
605
00:37:47,935 --> 00:37:49,970
Shine your flashlight here.
I just slipped something.
606
00:37:50,037 --> 00:37:51,305
What is this?
607
00:37:55,175 --> 00:37:56,743
What is this?
608
00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:59,479
It shines in the light.
609
00:38:02,749 --> 00:38:04,651
Soft to the touch.
610
00:38:11,258 --> 00:38:13,026
It's pussy juice.
611
00:38:20,567 --> 00:38:22,936
She must have been seated in the Indian manner. »
612
00:38:24,805 --> 00:38:26,440
Thirty-nine more where that came from.
613
00:38:32,312 --> 00:38:34,114
Everyone is crazy about something.
614
00:38:36,016 --> 00:38:38,552
Recently I was attacked online
by some gay bloggers,
615
00:38:38,619 --> 00:38:40,120
and it hurt me.
616
00:38:42,890 --> 00:38:46,527
I have no problem with gays,
but I hate bloggers.
617
00:38:50,464 --> 00:38:52,165
I don't say it
because this person was gay.
618
00:38:52,232 --> 00:38:56,203
They were acting like assholes online.
They distort my jokes,
619
00:38:56,270 --> 00:38:59,039
I try to make myself understood,
when it really felt like...
620
00:38:59,106 --> 00:39:01,875
“Yo, I’m your ally, motherfucker.
I'm not trying to stop gay people.
621
00:39:01,942 --> 00:39:03,377
I have better things to do.”
622
00:39:03,443 --> 00:39:06,580
This bastard was saying things,
I'm trying to get gay people to beat me up.
623
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:09,449
Seriously, he was like...
624
00:39:09,516 --> 00:39:11,051
"Dave Chappelle jokes..."
625
00:39:11,118 --> 00:39:13,420
I don't know how he actually speaks.
I'm just making up his voice.
626
00:39:16,924 --> 00:39:22,095
"Dave Chappelle's jokes were an affront
to the virility of all homosexual men. »
627
00:39:22,162 --> 00:39:24,131
What the fuck does that mean?
628
00:39:24,198 --> 00:39:27,968
I didn't say anything that might hint
to homosexual men who are not men.
629
00:39:28,035 --> 00:39:29,570
I know you are men.
630
00:39:29,636 --> 00:39:35,342
In fact, what could be more manly
than fucking another guy in the ass?
631
00:39:37,211 --> 00:39:40,547
This is the most gangster shit
I've heard of it before in my life.
632
00:39:42,049 --> 00:39:44,518
I told you, I'm not cut out for this.
I am a pussy.
633
00:39:47,518 --> 00:39:49,888
Do you know what I said?
That's all I said.
634
00:39:49,957 --> 00:39:52,025
First of all,
I'll tell you right now what I said,
635
00:39:52,092 --> 00:39:55,529
and I'll tell you it wasn't a joke.
It's a true story,
636
00:39:55,596 --> 00:39:57,231
and I just said it.
637
00:39:57,297 --> 00:40:00,501
What happened was that
I went to a gallery party, okay?
638
00:40:00,567 --> 00:40:02,903
I don't know who is here
has already been rich before,
639
00:40:02,970 --> 00:40:04,705
but these are very nice celebrations.
640
00:40:05,606 --> 00:40:08,375
You know, wine and cheese
and ball talk.
641
00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:12,246
And there were some eccentric guys,
642
00:40:12,312 --> 00:40:16,149
one of whom was a very rich man
it was a dress.
643
00:40:16,216 --> 00:40:19,887
I don't know what you call it.
A transsexual or a drag queen, perhaps.
644
00:40:19,953 --> 00:40:22,422
Regardless, he was definitely a man.
645
00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:26,760
And this man was definitely on drugs.
646
00:40:26,827 --> 00:40:30,297
I don't know what kind of drugs he was on,
but I knew he had too many.
647
00:40:30,364 --> 00:40:33,133
He didn't look good. He was like that.
648
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:35,903
He looked sick, and all his friends
stood around him,
649
00:40:35,969 --> 00:40:37,938
concerned, trying to resuscitate him.
650
00:40:38,005 --> 00:40:40,140
I don't know what,
it sounded like some kind of CPR for gays.
651
00:40:40,207 --> 00:40:41,876
There was a fan and all that.
They were like...
652
00:40:48,048 --> 00:40:49,783
I saw all this from afar.
653
00:40:49,850 --> 00:40:52,252
Now I should have minded my own business,
but I became curious.
654
00:40:52,319 --> 00:40:53,320
I was like...
655
00:40:56,056 --> 00:40:59,493
And I went there.
I simply said, “Excuse me, gentlemen.
656
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:00,928
Is he okay?”
657
00:41:00,994 --> 00:41:02,996
Then they looked at me like I was bad.
658
00:41:05,866 --> 00:41:08,068
“Sheis fine.”
659
00:41:10,170 --> 00:41:11,638
I said, “A word? Oh.
660
00:41:13,006 --> 00:41:15,042
I'm sorry. I didn't know
That’s what we were doing.”
661
00:41:17,511 --> 00:41:18,879
That's my thing.
662
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,647
I support everyone's rights
663
00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:25,350
be anyone
they feel like they are inside.
664
00:41:25,419 --> 00:41:26,820
I'm your ally in this.
665
00:41:27,521 --> 00:41:28,689
However...
666
00:41:30,023 --> 00:41:31,491
My question is...
667
00:41:32,759 --> 00:41:37,297
to what extent should I participate
in your self-image?
668
00:41:38,198 --> 00:41:42,169
Is it fair that I have to change my whole
pronoun game for this bastard?
669
00:41:42,236 --> 00:41:43,237
This doesn't make sense.
670
00:41:46,607 --> 00:41:47,808
Seriously.
671
00:41:48,842 --> 00:41:50,477
If I wear an argyle sweater,
672
00:41:50,544 --> 00:41:52,779
and I'm like "Hey, everyone,
I feel like a white person in this sweater,
673
00:41:52,846 --> 00:41:54,948
and I want some fucking respect
and a bank loan,"
674
00:41:55,015 --> 00:41:56,350
it won't work.
675
00:41:57,384 --> 00:41:59,820
You don't care how I feel.
Why should I care how you feel?
676
00:41:59,887 --> 00:42:01,355
“Negro” is a pronoun.
677
00:42:03,457 --> 00:42:05,325
But there was no time
for philosophical debate.
678
00:42:05,392 --> 00:42:06,960
It was an emergency situation.
679
00:42:07,794 --> 00:42:11,131
I said, "All right. I'm sorry, guys.
I was just worried because...
680
00:42:12,466 --> 00:42:13,967
because she looks horrible.
681
00:42:15,969 --> 00:42:18,005
And she fell off the bench.
682
00:42:19,373 --> 00:42:21,909
It seems that his cock
comes out of her dress.
683
00:42:24,711 --> 00:42:26,046
Do you mind if I call an ambulance, champ?
684
00:42:26,113 --> 00:42:28,115
I'd rather not be at a party
where a transsexual overdoses.
685
00:42:28,182 --> 00:42:29,983
There are too many questions to answer. »
686
00:42:43,096 --> 00:42:44,698
Okay, I've been through this before.
687
00:42:44,765 --> 00:42:46,700
I had a friend from high school.
688
00:42:46,767 --> 00:42:51,371
In high school, this guy was a thug.
He was a fucking dope boy.
689
00:42:51,438 --> 00:42:54,608
He did everything. He was a wild guy.
People were very afraid of him.
690
00:42:54,675 --> 00:42:56,276
And then after high school,
691
00:42:56,343 --> 00:42:59,079
the rumor in the street was
he had come out of the closet.
692
00:42:59,146 --> 00:43:00,681
Personally, I didn't believe it.
693
00:43:01,515 --> 00:43:04,952
I mention it because last year,
he calls me out of the blue,
694
00:43:05,018 --> 00:43:07,454
Like, “Yo, what’s up, man?
I got your number from so-and-so.
695
00:43:07,521 --> 00:43:10,057
I heard you'll be in New York
put on a show. Can I have tickets? »
696
00:43:10,123 --> 00:43:12,326
I was like, “Fuck yeah,
you can get tickets. How are you?"
697
00:43:12,392 --> 00:43:16,263
He said, "We'll catch up at the show,
but I appreciate it. I’ll see you soon.”
698
00:43:16,330 --> 00:43:18,565
I said, “All right, man. Be careful.”
I was about to hang up,
699
00:43:18,632 --> 00:43:20,601
but I couldn't resist. I was just like,
700
00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,136
“Hey, nigga, I heard you were gay.
What's going on with that? »
701
00:43:29,376 --> 00:43:30,911
And I wish I hadn't asked.
702
00:43:31,678 --> 00:43:34,147
Because he looked like he was dying
to talk about this shit,
703
00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:36,283
and he had a long story about it.
704
00:43:36,350 --> 00:43:40,621
It's not that I didn't care, but I was...
I don't like talking on the phone.
705
00:43:40,687 --> 00:43:42,789
I was watching TV at the same time.
706
00:43:43,624 --> 00:43:45,959
So I didn't really pay attention to it
as I should.
707
00:43:46,026 --> 00:43:48,529
I tried to appear supportive,
but I didn't really know what to say.
708
00:43:48,595 --> 00:43:50,998
So I just mumbled and shit
throughout this conversation.
709
00:43:51,064 --> 00:43:54,134
Je me disais : "Eh bien, tu sais, négro,
tu es gay, mec. Tu es juste gay.
710
00:43:54,201 --> 00:43:55,369
Allez mec."
711
00:44:00,140 --> 00:44:01,575
This lasted for a while.
712
00:44:01,642 --> 00:44:05,012
And then finally I had to say something
definitive to get him off the phone.
713
00:44:05,078 --> 00:44:09,216
And I was like, “Hey, you know what?
Don't let people bring you down, okay?
714
00:44:09,283 --> 00:44:11,952
And the next time someone tries
to make you feel bad about yourself,
715
00:44:12,019 --> 00:44:15,055
Just remember:
Everyone is funny to someone.”
716
00:44:21,061 --> 00:44:22,296
He didn't like that shit.
717
00:44:23,363 --> 00:44:25,632
He said, “What does that mean?”
I said, “Huh?
718
00:44:25,699 --> 00:44:27,334
He said, "You say I'm funny,
asshole?”
719
00:44:27,401 --> 00:44:29,670
I said, “No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I say everyone is different.”
720
00:44:29,736 --> 00:44:32,206
He said, "You didn't say 'different.'
You said "funny."
721
00:44:32,272 --> 00:44:34,341
What's so funny
about the way I fuck? »
722
00:44:34,408 --> 00:44:36,977
And I said, "Hey, man, I'm a foot kisser."
723
00:44:37,044 --> 00:44:38,312
What did he say?!”
724
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,015
Oh, it's not a joke,
Ladies and gentlemen.
725
00:44:42,082 --> 00:44:44,918
I make women put their feet together
like this,
726
00:44:44,985 --> 00:44:47,621
and I fuck them good
in that little space between their feet.
727
00:44:51,024 --> 00:44:53,427
But you can't build a community
behind this shit.
728
00:44:55,495 --> 00:44:57,564
There is no flag for us.
729
00:45:01,535 --> 00:45:03,270
This shit made him laugh.
730
00:45:04,738 --> 00:45:05,939
The next day,
731
00:45:07,007 --> 00:45:08,742
after the show I saw him backstage.
732
00:45:08,809 --> 00:45:11,445
He said, “What’s up, man?”
I'm like, "Oh, shit! What's happening?"
733
00:45:11,512 --> 00:45:14,381
He had his friend with him.
He says, “Dave, I want you to meet Manuel.
734
00:45:14,448 --> 00:45:17,584
Manuel is my fiancé. We are in New York
get married because it's legal here."
735
00:45:17,651 --> 00:45:22,089
I said, “Oh.
Well, congratulations, guys. »
736
00:45:22,856 --> 00:45:24,491
And Manuel said to me: "Gracias."
737
00:45:24,558 --> 00:45:26,293
And he went to get a few drinks,
738
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:29,062
and then my boyfriend looked at me.
He said to me, "So, Dave...
739
00:45:30,097 --> 00:45:31,298
What do you think?”
740
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,102
And I started mumbling again.
741
00:45:35,169 --> 00:45:37,638
“Well, you're gay, nigga.
You know, you're just gay."
742
00:45:40,374 --> 00:45:42,609
He said, "I'm a little nervous
about getting married, man.
743
00:45:42,676 --> 00:45:43,810
It’s a big step.”
744
00:45:43,877 --> 00:45:45,479
I said, "Yes, that's true. It's a big step forward."
745
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:48,348
He said,
“You’ve been married for a while.
746
00:45:49,082 --> 00:45:50,684
Do you have any advice for us? »
747
00:45:52,352 --> 00:45:54,788
“No, I’m married to a woman.
Sorry about that.”
748
00:45:56,657 --> 00:46:01,061
And he corrected me. He said,
"No. You married the person you love,
749
00:46:01,128 --> 00:46:02,963
so it's essentially the same thing.
750
00:46:04,097 --> 00:46:06,867
I said, "You know, man,
the problem with this statement
751
00:46:06,934 --> 00:46:09,636
it is that he makes the hypothesis
that I love him. But..."
752
00:46:14,708 --> 00:46:17,811
Are you going to lighten things up?
Of course, I love my wife.
753
00:46:19,246 --> 00:46:20,380
She laughs at this shit.
754
00:46:20,447 --> 00:46:22,516
In reality,
she eats and spends this shit.
755
00:46:24,952 --> 00:46:27,955
No, I told him, I said,
“You know what you should do, man?
756
00:46:28,021 --> 00:46:30,524
First, you shouldn't do it. »
757
00:46:31,658 --> 00:46:33,260
I'm talking about being legally married.
758
00:46:33,327 --> 00:46:36,396
It's not that you're gay
as much as a simple legal marriage
759
00:46:36,463 --> 00:46:39,967
is a fucking evil game of leverage
in the United States.
760
00:46:40,033 --> 00:46:41,635
I'm just being honest.
761
00:46:41,702 --> 00:46:44,738
Devoid of religious significance
or the idea of love,
762
00:46:44,805 --> 00:46:48,041
marriage is nothing but a horrible contract
that you shouldn't sign.
763
00:46:51,211 --> 00:46:52,513
I'm just being realistic.
764
00:46:55,082 --> 00:46:56,884
Because you start by loving yourself.
765
00:46:56,950 --> 00:46:59,953
Then two years later you're just
build a case against each other...
766
00:47:01,054 --> 00:47:04,124
for a hypothetical court date
this may or may not happen.
767
00:47:06,293 --> 00:47:09,463
In addition to being gay, you add
this shit is explosive.
768
00:47:10,297 --> 00:47:11,532
It's that Ray Rice shit.
769
00:47:11,598 --> 00:47:14,134
Right after Ray Rice
I've been through all this shit,
770
00:47:14,201 --> 00:47:16,270
I was at a party
and I met this kid Michael Sam.
771
00:47:16,336 --> 00:47:18,772
Do you know Michael Sam? A very nice guy.
772
00:47:18,839 --> 00:47:21,642
He is the first openly gay NFL player.
773
00:47:21,708 --> 00:47:24,678
And Michael is a very nice guy,
a very brave guy,
774
00:47:24,745 --> 00:47:26,747
but when I met him,
I couldn't help but think,
775
00:47:26,813 --> 00:47:31,018
"What will happen when Michael Sam
he beats hiswife in the elevator?
776
00:47:31,752 --> 00:47:32,920
Is this domestic violence,
777
00:47:32,986 --> 00:47:35,689
or it's just two niggas
Are you working your butt off in an elevator?”
778
00:47:35,756 --> 00:47:36,757
You know what I mean?
779
00:47:48,769 --> 00:47:49,837
Anyway...
780
00:47:51,004 --> 00:47:54,208
I give the same advice to all married men,
gay or straight.
781
00:47:54,274 --> 00:47:55,642
Get a dog.
782
00:47:57,311 --> 00:48:00,347
Because a dog will love you all the time,
but she won't.
783
00:48:02,716 --> 00:48:05,519
It was a real conversation.
I didn't even know dogs,
784
00:48:05,586 --> 00:48:07,287
and my children had the dog.
785
00:48:07,354 --> 00:48:09,423
They brought him back from the shelter.
I didn't even want him.
786
00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:11,525
They said, “Can we keep him?”
I said, “No.”
787
00:48:11,592 --> 00:48:14,027
I said, “Where did you get that dog?”
They say: "From the shelter."
788
00:48:14,094 --> 00:48:15,095
I was like, “Ugh.
789
00:48:16,463 --> 00:48:18,065
Probably something wrong with him.
790
00:48:19,666 --> 00:48:20,667
I can't keep it.
791
00:48:20,734 --> 00:48:22,903
And then my children started to cry
and scream
792
00:48:22,970 --> 00:48:24,471
as if the dog had gambling debts.
793
00:48:24,538 --> 00:48:26,707
“Please, Dad!
If you don't let us keep it,
794
00:48:26,773 --> 00:48:27,975
They’re going to kill him!”
795
00:48:28,041 --> 00:48:29,076
I was like, "Oh...
796
00:48:31,545 --> 00:48:32,980
Fine, you can keep it. »
797
00:48:33,046 --> 00:48:35,048
And this dog was a menace.
798
00:48:37,117 --> 00:48:38,485
I hated his guts.
799
00:48:39,753 --> 00:48:44,057
One night I smoked a bunch of weed,
and I was eating a sandwich,
800
00:48:44,124 --> 00:48:45,959
and Baba came...
Baba is the dog.
801
00:48:46,026 --> 00:48:47,561
He came and looked at me.
802
00:48:47,628 --> 00:48:50,097
This will make you very uncomfortable,
if he just looks at you eating.
803
00:48:58,038 --> 00:49:00,774
I had to give him a piece of my sandwich
then he would go away,
804
00:49:00,841 --> 00:49:02,576
and that's how we became friends.
805
00:49:04,011 --> 00:49:06,513
Now if you see me walking down the street
with Baba,
806
00:49:06,580 --> 00:49:09,183
I don't have a leash or anything.
He walks right next to me.
807
00:49:09,249 --> 00:49:11,585
If I stop, he will stop.
And if I leave, he will leave.
808
00:49:11,652 --> 00:49:14,154
And all my friends are like,
“Yo, Dave, this shit is awesome.
809
00:49:14,221 --> 00:49:16,056
How did you train Baba to do this shit? »
810
00:49:17,824 --> 00:49:19,293
“I never trained Baba.
811
00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:21,695
I'm just a messy eater. »
812
00:49:23,397 --> 00:49:26,533
If I drop food and Baba isn't there,
all I have to do is call him.
813
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:27,601
“Baba! »
814
00:49:28,802 --> 00:49:31,071
It's a black guy's dog,
so he doesn't come right away.
815
00:49:31,138 --> 00:49:33,373
He glances over first to see what's going on.
816
00:49:38,579 --> 00:49:40,214
I have to tap my foot
so he can see the food.
817
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:41,281
“This way, little buddy.”
818
00:49:43,650 --> 00:49:46,787
He says, “Thanks, Dave.”
and he will come and get him and run away.
819
00:49:46,854 --> 00:49:49,456
But he knows all my habits.
If he smells weed in the house,
820
00:49:49,523 --> 00:49:50,791
he will be like...
821
00:49:50,858 --> 00:49:53,293
“Oh, this bastard is about to eat.”
And he will come running.
822
00:50:01,034 --> 00:50:04,071
Baba helped me through a very difficult time
in my marriage.
823
00:50:05,439 --> 00:50:07,541
We spend the most time together.
824
00:50:07,608 --> 00:50:09,343
It's not me and my wife
don't spend time together,
825
00:50:09,409 --> 00:50:12,579
but we've been married so long,
we don't talk like...
826
00:50:12,646 --> 00:50:15,616
I don't know if anyone is married here,
but after ten years,
827
00:50:15,682 --> 00:50:18,919
all that talkative shit disappears.
You said it all.
828
00:50:18,986 --> 00:50:22,122
You know what I mean.
Yeah. We're just in the zone.
829
00:50:23,757 --> 00:50:26,760
She tells me the same shit every night
before she goes to bed.
830
00:50:26,827 --> 00:50:29,730
I'll be the last one standing. She's like,
“I’m going to get some sleep, Dave.
831
00:50:29,796 --> 00:50:30,797
Good night.”
832
00:50:30,864 --> 00:50:33,500
"Alright, baby. I'll stay awake
and watch television. Good night.”
833
00:50:33,567 --> 00:50:36,036
Then she will climb halfway up the stairs.
834
00:50:36,103 --> 00:50:37,471
“David?”
835
00:50:37,538 --> 00:50:38,572
"Hmm?"
836
00:50:41,074 --> 00:50:43,877
“Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.”
And then she leaves.
837
00:50:49,650 --> 00:50:52,920
Well the crazy thing is
I don't even eat their lunch anymore.
838
00:50:53,887 --> 00:50:56,924
Back then I ate that shit.
You know how it goes.
839
00:50:57,724 --> 00:50:59,459
Now I could smoke weed
in the middle of the night,
840
00:50:59,526 --> 00:51:02,563
and she will leave well-wrapped sandwiches
everywhere in the kitchen.
841
00:51:03,430 --> 00:51:04,565
I'm going to eat it.
842
00:51:06,300 --> 00:51:09,403
What's the problem? Why can't she
do you just do another one in the morning?
843
00:51:09,469 --> 00:51:11,872
I mean, I have sons anyway.
844
00:51:11,939 --> 00:51:14,074
And sons love everything their fathers do.
845
00:51:14,141 --> 00:51:16,043
My children will be in school
the next day, like,
846
00:51:16,109 --> 00:51:20,080
"Oh, Dad bit my sandwich. Oh, shit!"
847
00:51:21,849 --> 00:51:24,218
Their dad is Dave Chappelle, man.
848
00:51:24,284 --> 00:51:26,386
You could swap this sandwich
for something better.
849
00:51:28,689 --> 00:51:31,258
What I do is add value
at their lunch.
850
00:51:33,427 --> 00:51:35,529
But she don't understand these guys
of things.
851
00:51:36,230 --> 00:51:37,598
Anyway, she gets mad at me.
852
00:51:37,664 --> 00:51:40,767
She's mad at me now
because I got myself into trouble.
853
00:51:40,834 --> 00:51:45,072
I was extorted,
what happens in this profession.
854
00:51:45,138 --> 00:51:46,974
I'm coming back from the road.
855
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:48,876
There was a FedEx session
on the kitchen table,
856
00:51:49,843 --> 00:51:51,812
and it was addressed to me,
so I opened it.
857
00:51:51,879 --> 00:51:53,347
I don't know who delivered it.
858
00:51:53,413 --> 00:51:56,617
And there was a video tape inside
with a note written on it
859
00:51:56,683 --> 00:51:58,085
who said "I got you".
860
00:51:58,151 --> 00:52:01,054
Oh my God. Can you imagine?
I panicked.
861
00:52:01,121 --> 00:52:04,391
I destroyed the whole house,
I'm trying to find a VCR.
862
00:52:04,458 --> 00:52:06,460
I hadn't seen a tape in over a decade.
863
00:52:09,530 --> 00:52:12,332
And I watched the tape, and it was horrible.
They have me.
864
00:52:12,399 --> 00:52:16,537
It was a tape of me...
I was fucking a girl, okay?
865
00:52:16,603 --> 00:52:19,907
But that was before my marriage.
But it wasn't a good idea.
866
00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:23,944
And my stomach hurt,
and I looked at the clock,
867
00:52:24,011 --> 00:52:26,613
and then I saw that my wife was coming home
in ten minutes,
868
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,415
and I just freaked out.
869
00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:32,653
I jerked off to the tape real quick,
and then...
870
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:41,595
and then I called the FBI.
871
00:52:45,866 --> 00:52:48,569
Who, moreover,
Made me feel a lot better.
872
00:52:49,870 --> 00:52:52,105
They didn't say
They were going to catch them, that's for sure,
873
00:52:52,172 --> 00:52:55,709
but they looked like some
confident people who would catch them.
874
00:52:55,776 --> 00:52:58,345
So, I didn't worry too much about it.
875
00:52:58,412 --> 00:53:01,215
And then, not even a week later,
five days later I come home,
876
00:53:01,281 --> 00:53:03,650
and there is another video tape
on my porch.
877
00:53:03,717 --> 00:53:05,452
As soon as I saw him,
I just called the police.
878
00:53:05,519 --> 00:53:06,787
“They did it again.
879
00:53:06,854 --> 00:53:09,056
You should probably look for a guy
with elephant legs,
880
00:53:09,122 --> 00:53:12,392
because I don't know who the fuck
send tapes!”
881
00:53:19,733 --> 00:53:23,337
And that second tape was the worst shit
I had never seen one in my life. It was horrible.
882
00:53:23,403 --> 00:53:27,674
Bad end to career.
It was a tape of me...
883
00:53:29,543 --> 00:53:31,478
jerking off to the tape a week earlier.
884
00:53:31,545 --> 00:53:34,915
I don't even know how they would do it
even get such a thing.
885
00:53:37,317 --> 00:53:40,487
I had to explain all this to my wife.
886
00:53:41,722 --> 00:53:43,223
She was very angry.
887
00:53:43,290 --> 00:53:48,028
Nothing in this world is so cold
like a woman's cold shoulder,
888
00:53:48,095 --> 00:53:51,098
because she was angry,
but she didn't want to talk to me about it.
889
00:53:51,164 --> 00:53:55,235
She would just punish me in little ways,
make me do stupid things I hate doing.
890
00:53:57,804 --> 00:54:00,674
Like picking up the kids from school.
It was something she made me do.
891
00:54:01,308 --> 00:54:02,743
This is a difficulty for me.
892
00:54:04,645 --> 00:54:07,948
I have a son who will
to a public school.
893
00:54:08,015 --> 00:54:09,516
And...
894
00:54:11,451 --> 00:54:14,788
his little brother is leaving
in a private school.
895
00:54:15,789 --> 00:54:18,358
It's an experience. I just want to see
what will happen to them.
896
00:54:24,565 --> 00:54:27,234
But what's weird is that
my grandson at private school,
897
00:54:27,301 --> 00:54:30,771
he's my thug son,
you know what I mean?
898
00:54:30,838 --> 00:54:33,907
I don't know where he got that from.
He doesn't get it from me.
899
00:54:34,641 --> 00:54:37,044
And he certainly doesn't understand
of this school.
900
00:54:37,678 --> 00:54:39,847
This school is very...
It's a liberal school.
901
00:54:39,913 --> 00:54:41,215
This is the kind of school...
902
00:54:41,281 --> 00:54:45,018
there could be, like,
12 black students in the entire school,
903
00:54:45,085 --> 00:54:46,854
and I'm the only black parent.
904
00:54:54,561 --> 00:54:56,530
And none of the parents like me either.
905
00:54:57,197 --> 00:54:59,266
Not because I'm black,
but they don't like the way I ride.
906
00:54:59,333 --> 00:55:02,870
I'm going to be late all the time,
and I'm in a Porsche,
907
00:55:02,936 --> 00:55:05,405
and I play music
that they don't like.
908
00:55:05,472 --> 00:55:06,874
I beat my pussy
909
00:55:06,940 --> 00:55:08,809
Then I park in the parking lot.
910
00:55:09,576 --> 00:55:12,145
I could smoke a cigarette
with the children in the car.
911
00:55:13,947 --> 00:55:16,550
Then I park in this handicapped space.
912
00:55:17,184 --> 00:55:18,685
And when I go out
disabled space,
913
00:55:18,752 --> 00:55:20,721
they always mean
passive-aggressive bullshit.
914
00:55:20,787 --> 00:55:23,524
“Hello, Dave.
I don't know if you noticed,
915
00:55:23,590 --> 00:55:26,093
but you actually parked
in the disabled area."
916
00:55:26,159 --> 00:55:28,595
“Yeah, you know, Frank, I noticed that.
917
00:55:28,662 --> 00:55:32,132
But who is this disabled person?
we're all waiting for this to never happen? »
918
00:55:41,875 --> 00:55:43,377
So, I hate going to this school.
919
00:55:43,443 --> 00:55:46,647
The only parents who are nice to me
They're a lesbian couple...
920
00:55:46,713 --> 00:55:48,282
Kate and Sarah.
921
00:55:48,348 --> 00:55:52,486
Actually, Kate hates me.
Sarah knows I'm black,
922
00:55:52,553 --> 00:55:55,589
and she is half black,
so she understands me.
923
00:55:56,356 --> 00:55:59,226
You know what I'm saying?
I can't explain it.
924
00:56:00,427 --> 00:56:01,662
Because I'll say shit,
925
00:56:01,728 --> 00:56:03,697
and Kate is just too serious
about being a lesbian.
926
00:56:03,764 --> 00:56:05,866
I'll say, "Hey, Kate. Hey, Sarah.
927
00:56:07,534 --> 00:56:09,369
You guys go
at the father-son picnic next week?
928
00:56:09,436 --> 00:56:10,537
How is this going to work?”
929
00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:14,608
And Kate will be instantly furious.
930
00:56:14,675 --> 00:56:17,411
But Sarah knows I'm messing up.
so she'll just say something cool.
931
00:56:17,477 --> 00:56:20,113
“I don’t know, Dave. Maybe Kate and I
I'm going to turn around for this shit. "
932
00:56:22,482 --> 00:56:24,351
I said, "Bitch,
you better keep this draw,
933
00:56:24,418 --> 00:56:27,354
because everyone knows it
you are tied up in this house.
934
00:56:28,822 --> 00:56:31,525
And then Kate will turn bright red,
but Sarah punches me,
935
00:56:31,592 --> 00:56:33,794
Like, "You're right, nigga. It's me. Bop."
936
00:56:35,929 --> 00:56:37,197
We are good friends.
937
00:56:38,165 --> 00:56:39,766
We are good friends.
They invite me to do stuff.
938
00:56:39,833 --> 00:56:41,568
They are my only friends at school.
939
00:56:41,635 --> 00:56:42,870
So imagine my surprise
940
00:56:42,936 --> 00:56:45,472
when I go to pick up my son
after all this happens.
941
00:56:45,539 --> 00:56:48,175
And the teacher is waiting for me outside.
942
00:56:48,242 --> 00:56:51,545
She's right there
in the middle of the disabled area.
943
00:56:55,048 --> 00:56:57,117
I knew something was wrong,
so I rolled down the window.
944
00:56:57,184 --> 00:56:58,519
“What’s going on?”
945
00:56:58,585 --> 00:57:01,522
“Hi, David. Can we talk to you
a minute at the office? »
946
00:57:01,588 --> 00:57:03,290
I said, “No, shit.
We need to talk here.
947
00:57:03,357 --> 00:57:04,391
What's going on?"
948
00:57:05,359 --> 00:57:06,527
I knew it was bad.
949
00:57:08,595 --> 00:57:10,364
“Ibrahim fought.”
950
00:57:10,430 --> 00:57:14,268
I said, “A fight?”
“Don’t worry. Everyone is fine.”
951
00:57:15,102 --> 00:57:16,737
I said, “Everyone?”
952
00:57:19,173 --> 00:57:20,607
What happened?”
953
00:57:20,674 --> 00:57:22,242
“Well that’s it.
We don't know what happened
954
00:57:22,309 --> 00:57:23,810
because he won't talk to anyone.
955
00:57:23,877 --> 00:57:27,114
All we know is that he hit Sarah Jr.
in the face."
956
00:57:27,181 --> 00:57:28,482
I said, “Oh, no!”
957
00:57:29,116 --> 00:57:32,586
Sarah is one of the only parents
I'm not sure I can fight at this school.
958
00:57:33,453 --> 00:57:35,989
Just then Kate and Sarah arrived
to pick up their daughter,
959
00:57:36,056 --> 00:57:38,058
and then we all had to go to the office,
960
00:57:38,125 --> 00:57:41,929
and I was really worried because I hadn't done it
I want them to kick me out of school.
961
00:57:42,930 --> 00:57:45,499
And then they brought my son.
He was crying.
962
00:57:45,566 --> 00:57:47,267
They brought him in like a prisoner.
963
00:57:48,135 --> 00:57:49,670
He said: "Ohh! Oh!"
964
00:57:49,736 --> 00:57:52,206
I said, “Son, stop crying, calm down.
965
00:57:52,272 --> 00:57:55,409
Don't look at those mean faces.
I need you to look at my face,
966
00:57:55,475 --> 00:57:58,679
and I need you to tell me the truth,
buddy, okay?
967
00:57:58,745 --> 00:58:00,848
Just tell me the truth. Is this true?
968
00:58:00,914 --> 00:58:03,383
Did you hit that girl Sarah Jr.
in the face?”
969
00:58:04,451 --> 00:58:06,854
I was trying to signal him to lie,
but he didn't understand it.
970
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:07,921
I was like...
971
00:58:14,261 --> 00:58:16,964
He wasn't paying attention. He's like,
“Yes, Dad, I hit his face.”
972
00:58:17,030 --> 00:58:19,633
“Oh, my God. For what ? Why would you do that?
973
00:58:19,700 --> 00:58:21,935
You're not supposed to put your hands
on anyone.”
974
00:58:22,803 --> 00:58:25,606
And his response was so gangster,
this scared every parent in the room.
975
00:58:25,672 --> 00:58:26,673
He was like...
976
00:58:28,642 --> 00:58:30,110
“Because she planned it.”
977
00:58:30,177 --> 00:58:31,178
I said...
978
00:58:36,416 --> 00:58:37,451
And everyone was looking at me.
979
00:58:37,518 --> 00:58:39,520
I said, “I didn’t teach him.
I don't know where he got that from."
980
00:58:39,586 --> 00:58:43,123
I said, “What does that mean, son?
This is crazy talk! What does that mean?"
981
00:58:44,057 --> 00:58:46,026
And then he just started crying
like he was Tupac.
982
00:58:47,227 --> 00:58:51,231
“These kids keep fucking me!”
983
00:58:59,039 --> 00:59:00,974
I told his teacher, I said,
“Well, now wait a minute.
984
00:59:01,041 --> 00:59:03,177
This kid is many things,
but he's not a liar.
985
00:59:03,243 --> 00:59:05,712
What if he said they were fucking him,
they did something to him.
986
00:59:05,779 --> 00:59:07,414
Son, what's going on?
What did they do to you?”
987
00:59:07,481 --> 00:59:10,050
“Dad, I’m sick of this shit.
This lasted all week. »
988
00:59:10,117 --> 00:59:11,451
I said, “What happens all week?”
989
00:59:11,518 --> 00:59:15,055
He said: "We were having lunch,
and this bitch bit my sandwich.
990
00:59:15,122 --> 00:59:16,590
I said, “Oh.”
991
00:59:21,762 --> 00:59:25,732
He said: “This is the fourth time this week.
I'm sick of that bitch who bites sandwiches."
992
00:59:27,401 --> 00:59:29,570
I said, “Stop using that word.”
Let's go home."
993
00:59:33,106 --> 00:59:35,008
It's a quiet drive back.
994
00:59:35,943 --> 00:59:38,078
We arrived home,
he just ran to his room,
995
00:59:38,145 --> 00:59:39,413
slammed the door.
996
00:59:40,214 --> 00:59:43,383
His mother came down.
By then she had heard about everything.
997
00:59:43,450 --> 00:59:44,985
She looked at me,
like, “Oh, my God.”
998
00:59:45,052 --> 00:59:46,753
I said, "I know. It's fucked."
999
00:59:50,424 --> 00:59:53,460
She said, "You bit the damn sandwich,
Right, Dave? »
1000
00:59:57,227 --> 00:59:59,262
I said,
“I’m tired of you accusing me of bullshit!”
1001
00:59:59,333 --> 01:00:01,068
And I just ran out of the house.
1002
01:00:01,869 --> 01:00:05,072
I jumped in my car and left.
Of course I bit into that sandwich.
1003
01:00:07,441 --> 01:00:10,177
But I knew she was right
really crazy about this tape,
1004
01:00:10,244 --> 01:00:13,146
so now she was going to punish me
about a fucking sandwich that I would bite into.
1005
01:00:13,213 --> 01:00:15,148
I was completely angry.
Do you know what I told myself?
1006
01:00:15,215 --> 01:00:17,718
I said, “I should never go home.
Fuck this shit.”
1007
01:00:17,784 --> 01:00:21,221
By the way, that's how people
I used to get divorced in the 1940s.
1008
01:00:22,289 --> 01:00:23,757
There was no divorce court in America.
1009
01:00:23,824 --> 01:00:25,526
At that time,
if you wanted to get out of your marriage,
1010
01:00:25,592 --> 01:00:28,195
you'd just tell your wife, "Hey, baby,
I'm going to get a pack of cigarettes.
1011
01:00:28,262 --> 01:00:29,263
I'll be right back."
1012
01:00:30,163 --> 01:00:32,533
You would just leave
with the clothes on his back.
1013
01:00:33,667 --> 01:00:35,068
This was back when men were men.
1014
01:00:36,637 --> 01:00:38,405
And there was no Internet back then,
1015
01:00:38,472 --> 01:00:41,575
so you can move 11 miles away
and have a whole new life.
1016
01:00:49,650 --> 01:00:51,318
But I ended up going home...
1017
01:00:54,021 --> 01:00:55,355
late at night,
1018
01:00:56,123 --> 01:00:58,492
and I entered the room,
and she was changing for bed.
1019
01:00:58,559 --> 01:01:00,093
You can always say it
your wife is angry with you
1020
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,462
when they cover their breasts
when you enter. "Oh!"
1021
01:01:03,997 --> 01:01:05,832
“Let those tits out. It’s me, baby.
1022
01:01:08,035 --> 01:01:09,937
Can we talk about that for a minute? »
1023
01:01:10,003 --> 01:01:11,605
She said: "David,
there is nothing to say.
1024
01:01:11,672 --> 01:01:12,873
I already know you bit the sandwich.
1025
01:01:12,940 --> 01:01:14,741
And don't look for their lunch.
I hid it.”
1026
01:01:17,244 --> 01:01:18,846
I said, "I don't want to talk
about the sandwich.
1027
01:01:18,912 --> 01:01:22,416
I want to talk about it. The tape.
1028
01:01:23,150 --> 01:01:24,685
I know that’s why you’re angry.”
1029
01:01:26,119 --> 01:01:27,955
It was a very difficult conversation.
1030
01:01:28,789 --> 01:01:30,691
I had to make a few jokes.
1031
01:01:30,757 --> 01:01:33,160
And she laughed a little,
and it helped her relax,
1032
01:01:33,227 --> 01:01:37,064
and we started talking,
and then she made a few jokes...
1033
01:01:37,130 --> 01:01:39,666
It hurt my feelings, honestly. But...
1034
01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:50,006
But we talked.
And you know what she told me?
1035
01:01:50,844 --> 01:01:55,249
She told me she was even angrier
about the second extortion tape
1036
01:01:55,315 --> 01:01:57,150
than it was for the first.
1037
01:01:58,151 --> 01:01:59,586
Which makes no sense.
1038
01:01:59,653 --> 01:02:02,289
What's wrong with a guy
touch your own private parts?
1039
01:02:03,223 --> 01:02:05,492
It's my own business.
It's not like I do it all the time.
1040
01:02:05,559 --> 01:02:08,562
In reality,
sometimes I do it for his benefit.
1041
01:02:08,629 --> 01:02:11,899
A lot of guys do that.
It's called the mercy bastard.
1042
01:02:13,400 --> 01:02:15,169
This is the one that happens
in the middle of the night
1043
01:02:15,235 --> 01:02:17,271
when you're about to roll over her
and you see his face,
1044
01:02:17,337 --> 01:02:19,740
and you say, “She looks tired.”
1045
01:02:22,342 --> 01:02:23,944
It takes a lot of love and discipline
1046
01:02:24,011 --> 01:02:26,113
leave a room
with a very hard cock.
1047
01:02:30,717 --> 01:02:31,952
Sometimes I can't do it.
1048
01:02:32,019 --> 01:02:34,388
“Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
1049
01:02:35,923 --> 01:02:38,659
Someone fell asleep without their socks on,
isn’t it?”
1050
01:02:42,596 --> 01:02:44,231
You can't rape feet.
1051
01:02:46,133 --> 01:02:47,868
You can't rape feet.
1052
01:02:52,139 --> 01:02:55,676
The only time I jerk off now
that's if I know how long she'll be gone.
1053
01:02:55,742 --> 01:02:57,411
It's the only way for me to get my mind back
in the game.
1054
01:02:58,445 --> 01:03:01,915
Sometimes she says to me, "Dave, I'm going
take the children to my mother's house very quickly.
1055
01:03:01,982 --> 01:03:03,817
I will probably come back
in two hours."
1056
01:03:03,884 --> 01:03:05,185
“A few hours?”
1057
01:03:11,491 --> 01:03:13,594
You can get a good one
in two hours.
1058
01:03:14,761 --> 01:03:18,065
This is the kind of session
where you will take off all your clothes.
1059
01:03:19,566 --> 01:03:21,301
I will be naked
in the living room like,
1060
01:03:21,368 --> 01:03:24,638
“Get these fucking toys out of my way!”
1061
01:03:27,207 --> 01:03:32,279
Disgusting. Foot on the coffee table,
I just stroke it, taking my time.
1062
01:03:34,515 --> 01:03:37,050
And I have a bowl of cereal waiting
for me here.
1063
01:03:45,959 --> 01:03:49,429
That’s when you have that intimacy.
You may have a loud orgasm. I miss those.
1064
01:03:58,238 --> 01:03:59,606
You know, when a guy beats up a weirdo,
1065
01:03:59,673 --> 01:04:02,009
just after,
there is a six minute window
1066
01:04:02,075 --> 01:04:05,012
where he thinks most rationally
he always does.
1067
01:04:05,078 --> 01:04:06,613
That's when he's still horrified.
1068
01:04:10,951 --> 01:04:12,619
“My God, what have I done?
1069
01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:16,456
Oh my God, it's everywhere.
1070
01:04:19,626 --> 01:04:21,094
Baba!”
1071
01:04:24,131 --> 01:04:26,733
Thank you very much, Austin, TX.
I had a wonderful time.
1072
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:30,904
Be well, be happy.
Good night everyone. Thank you.
1073
01:04:30,971 --> 01:04:32,806
Give it up again
1074
01:04:32,873 --> 01:04:35,909
for Dave Chappelle!
1075
01:06:01,328 --> 01:06:02,696
I'm rich, bitch!