1 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:43,077 As the 21st century began, 2 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:46,680 human evolution was at a turning point. 3 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:51,685 Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, 4 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:55,423 the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, 5 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:59,293 a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, 6 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,895 now began to favor different traits. 7 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,831 The Joey Buttafuoco case-- 8 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:07,768 Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... 9 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,903 and more intelligent. 10 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:14,007 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. 11 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,076 A dumbing down. 12 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,312 How did this happen? 13 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:21,582 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. 14 00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:24,318 With no natural predators to thin the herd, 15 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:27,655 it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... 16 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:31,825 and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. 17 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:37,498 Having kids is such an important decision. 18 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,167 We're just waiting for the right time. 19 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,569 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. 20 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,471 No way. 21 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,039 Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again! 22 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,109 Shit! I got too many damn kids! 23 00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:52,513 - I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no! 24 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,515 Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany. 25 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,784 Brittany? No, you didn't! 26 00:01:56,850 --> 00:02:00,087 There's no way we could have a child now. Mm-mm. 27 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,156 Not with the market the way it is, no. 28 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,525 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense. 29 00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:07,595 Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you! 30 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,398 Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here. 31 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,634 - She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon! 32 00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,770 Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me! 33 00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:20,374 Well, we finally decided to have children, 34 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:24,345 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well. 35 00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,347 And this is helping. 36 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:29,717 I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to-- 37 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,552 It's always me, right? 38 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:35,155 Well, it's not my sperm count. 39 00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:37,791 Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all! 40 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,693 That's my boy! 41 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,929 Whoo! Whoo! 42 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,766 Clevon is lucky to be alive. 43 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,168 He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... 44 00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:51,605 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. 45 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,774 But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... 46 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,777 and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler, 47 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,146 Clevon should regain full reproductive function. 48 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,249 Get your hands off my junk! 49 00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:08,422 Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... 50 00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,658 while masturbating... 51 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,961 to produce sperm for artificial insemination. 52 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,863 But I have some eggs frozen, 53 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:19,667 so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know-- 54 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,440 And so it went for generations, 55 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:29,310 although few, if any, seemed to notice. 56 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:35,283 But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C., 57 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:39,353 a simple army librarian was unknowingly... 58 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:43,324 about to change the entire course of human history. 59 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:45,225 Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail! 60 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,131 Hey, Bauers. 61 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,667 This is Peterson, your new replacement. 62 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,538 - My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you? 63 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,773 No. Some new assignment. 64 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,175 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. 65 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,045 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. 66 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:09,082 - I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass? 67 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,785 No one ever comes in here. 68 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:15,055 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. 69 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:18,292 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. 70 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:21,495 I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? 71 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:24,332 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. 72 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:28,702 Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? 73 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:32,440 Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. 74 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:36,209 When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." 75 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:40,381 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. 76 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,383 That doesn't embarrass me. 77 00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,385 Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. 78 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,354 You're just gonna have to follow. 79 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,822 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now. 80 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:52,860 Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy? 81 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,997 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go. 82 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:07,140 Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers, 83 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:10,478 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. 84 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,546 Now, as you know, throughout the years, 85 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,015 many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... 86 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:17,317 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. 87 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:22,122 With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men, 88 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:25,325 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. 89 00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:29,062 Joe, here, is not one of our best men. 90 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:33,801 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. 91 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:38,606 Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. 92 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,509 The most average person in our entire armed forces. 93 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,011 Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried, 94 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,414 is an only child, and both parents are deceased, 95 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,350 making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... 96 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,420 should something go wrong with the experiment. 97 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:57,024 We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... 98 00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:01,161 and were forced to look into the private sector. 99 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:04,832 This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. 100 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,768 Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... 101 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:11,872 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. 102 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,543 We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp, 103 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:19,780 a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-- 104 00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:25,653 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. 105 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,921 Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... 106 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:31,224 and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... 107 00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:34,595 with the local authorities in running his pimp game. 108 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:38,899 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. 109 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,803 Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please? 110 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:45,238 Sure. Let me just finish here. 111 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:49,743 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square. 112 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,812 Collins! 113 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,583 Fine. We'll move on. 114 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,552 It is a fascinating world though. 115 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,567 Jesus, Collins. 116 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,905 Yeah, that's-- 117 00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,909 Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... 118 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,011 are to be placed into a dry freeze... 119 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,547 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. 120 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,916 As you know, this is highly classified. 121 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:34,021 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely. 122 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:44,231 So this is kinda crazy, huh? 123 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,835 What unit are you with? Oh, I ain't in the service. 124 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,938 Oh, private sector. Okay. 125 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:55,475 So, uh, what do you do? A little of this, a little of that. 126 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,878 Wow, that's great. 127 00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,748 You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- 128 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,950 doing a little of this and a little of that. 129 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:07,788 I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures, 130 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,857 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market. 131 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,825 Yeah. 132 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:16,697 So, uh, you an artist or somethin'? 133 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,834 Uh, yeah. You do paintings or-- 134 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,537 - Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great. 135 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:27,741 - Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly? 136 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:33,814 I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit. 137 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:39,119 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love. 138 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,922 Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be. 139 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,757 Who wants to go first? 140 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,193 Me. 141 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:54,334 What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. 142 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:58,171 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all. 143 00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:01,408 - What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... 144 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,410 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit! 145 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,546 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me. 146 00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:08,315 Who's Upgrayedd? 147 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,283 He's my boyfriend. 148 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,721 Man, how do you know this shit's safe? 149 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,689 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. 150 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:18,458 They've tested it on dogs and everything. 151 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,595 What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep, 152 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,597 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. 153 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,766 It'll be fine. All right. 154 00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:29,770 Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? 155 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:34,407 See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. 156 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,976 His name was Untgrad. 157 00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,078 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. 158 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:41,048 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. 159 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,092 See you in a year. 160 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,928 The Human Hibernation Project... 161 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,965 was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... 162 00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,934 and one of its most secretive. 163 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:03,603 But it was not immune from human error. 164 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,241 Freeze! 165 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:20,587 Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed, 166 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,490 the base was closed. 167 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:28,228 It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten. 168 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:34,334 Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind. 169 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:37,871 As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed, 170 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:41,975 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. 171 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:54,521 Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... 172 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,623 would correct this trend in evolution. 173 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:59,693 But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... 174 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:04,732 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. 175 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:12,706 Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... 176 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:17,510 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems. 177 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:22,682 Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever, 178 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:27,554 leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505, 179 00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:32,926 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever. 180 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,797 Hold on. Next, on The Violence Channel, 181 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:12,132 an all-new Ow! My Balls! 182 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:28,548 - All right. 183 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,891 That guy got hit in the balls. 184 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,693 Ow, my balls! 185 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,499 Huh? 186 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,844 Where's-- Hold on. Shut up! 187 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,558 - Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up! 188 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:15,262 Next week on Ow! My Balls!, Hormel goes to Paris! 189 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:20,033 - Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. 190 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:23,703 In your face, ass! Shut up. 191 00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,839 I'm sorry. It's just-- Where am I? 192 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,208 Shut up! I told you already! 193 00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:38,585 Yeah! Wouldn't shut up! 194 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,320 Come in here and not shut up. 195 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:44,024 Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like-- 196 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,474 Unaware of what year it was, 197 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:04,544 Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help. 198 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,047 But the English language had deteriorated... 199 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:12,319 into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts. 200 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:15,923 Joe was able to understand them, 201 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:19,259 but when he spoke in an ordinary voice, 202 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:22,062 he sounded pompous and faggy to them. 203 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:41,548 Paging Doc-- 204 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:48,255 Report to, uh-- 205 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:52,659 Dr. Lueboo, 206 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,061 uh, report. 207 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,997 Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. 208 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:59,266 Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. 209 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,734 Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. 210 00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:07,074 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well. 211 00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,742 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on. 212 00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,945 I've been hallucinating. 213 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:14,447 My head is just killin' me. 214 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,584 My-My-My joints are all achy and I-- 215 00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,354 Is this a hospital or-- 216 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:25,558 - Actually, I don't even know where I am. 217 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,927 Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right, 218 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:32,365 - and have a healthy day! - Oh. Thanks. 219 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,201 Thank you! 220 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:49,416 Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'. 221 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,385 - I was just looking for some regular water. - Water? 222 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,588 - Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for? 223 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,491 You know, just to drink. 224 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,468 You've got hepatitis! 225 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,371 Oh, is someone not feeling well? 226 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:15,108 Your illness is very important to us. 227 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:18,178 - Next. - Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno, 228 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,280 powered by Jormi Technology. Uh, this goes in your mouth. 229 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:25,685 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. 230 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:29,789 Come on. 231 00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:32,659 - Hurry up, asshole! - Come on! 232 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,696 Shit. Hang on a second. 233 00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:40,967 This one-- No. 234 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,835 - Hey, come on. - Uh-- 235 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:46,239 - Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth. 236 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,477 Come on! 237 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:59,119 Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly. 238 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,394 That's a weird misprint. 239 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:12,532 Hey. How's it hang, ese? 240 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:16,469 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know. 241 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,539 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things. 242 00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,575 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on. 243 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:26,213 But if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base-- 244 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,182 Right. Kick ass. 245 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,352 Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', 246 00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,288 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. 247 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:38,958 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. 248 00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:43,396 What I'd do is just like, like, you know, 249 00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:46,833 like, you know what I mean? Like-- 250 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:51,171 - No, I'm serious here. Don't worry, scrot. 251 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,407 Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. 252 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,844 My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now. 253 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:01,914 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help. 254 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,650 There's that fag talk we talked about. 255 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:07,687 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars. 256 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:11,791 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit. 257 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:15,795 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. 258 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:20,032 - What are the odds of-- - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo? 259 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,802 Why don't you have this? 260 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,474 Oh, God. 261 00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,579 - Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God. 262 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,282 Why come you don't have a tattoo? 263 00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,819 Oh, my God! You're not unscannable, are you? 264 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,356 Oh, my God! 265 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:46,793 - You're unscannable. 266 00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,762 - Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand! 267 00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,432 You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second. 268 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,268 They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead! 269 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:57,204 Oh, my God! Oh! 270 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:02,442 - No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down! 271 00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,711 - How'd this happen? - How did it happen? 272 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:08,047 - Your floor is now clean. 273 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,450 Your floor is now clean. 274 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:34,707 Joe had awakened to a world in crisis. 275 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:38,177 The economy was in a state of deep neglect. 276 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,681 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies. 277 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:46,653 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. 278 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:51,424 And that's all it was for 90 minutes. 279 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:58,765 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay. 280 00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:05,905 Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries. 281 00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:09,175 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box. 282 00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:12,044 Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries? 283 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,846 I said I didn't get any. 284 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:15,848 Thank you. Your account has been charged. 285 00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:17,850 Your balance is zero. 286 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:21,421 What? Oh, no. No! Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 287 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,290 I'm sorry you're having trouble. 288 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:25,992 Come on! My kids are starvin'. I'm sorry you're having trouble. 289 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,963 This should help you calm down. 290 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:34,000 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 291 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:39,306 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. 292 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:44,377 You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. 293 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:47,547 Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating." 294 00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:50,683 Welcome to Carl's Jr. 295 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,354 Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco, 296 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,989 now with more molecules? 297 00:20:57,056 --> 00:21:00,126 Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother? 298 00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:04,297 - Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable. 299 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,802 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment. 300 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,442 Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment. 301 00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:17,744 There was a girl. She was from the same experiment. 302 00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:21,147 - Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. 303 00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:23,350 Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... 304 00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:26,919 and not having his U.P.C. tattoo. 305 00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:32,325 He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind... 306 00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:36,228 but had become rather retarded as well. 307 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,332 You shut up! Now-- 308 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:43,736 I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. 309 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:48,441 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here. 310 00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:52,679 Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money, 311 00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:56,182 we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... 312 00:21:56,248 --> 00:22:00,052 one of them court-appointed lawyers. 313 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:05,191 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo. 314 00:22:05,257 --> 00:22:07,126 You're my lawyer? 315 00:22:07,193 --> 00:22:11,498 Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? 316 00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:14,000 Why'd you do that? Yeah. I'm not guilty. 317 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,836 That's not what the other lawyer said. What do you mean what the-- 318 00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:19,005 Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? 319 00:22:19,071 --> 00:22:22,108 I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod. 320 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:24,444 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 321 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:27,914 Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it? 322 00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:31,083 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him. 323 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,723 He talks like a fag too. 324 00:22:36,789 --> 00:22:40,593 And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... 325 00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:43,630 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. 326 00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:46,599 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo. 327 00:22:46,666 --> 00:22:49,001 - I know! 328 00:22:49,068 --> 00:22:52,605 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man. 329 00:22:52,672 --> 00:22:55,542 Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace. 330 00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:03,950 - Objection! - What are you objectifyin' on? 331 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:06,453 Come on. Just get me on the stand. Okay. 332 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:10,156 - Um, Your Honor? - Hmm? 333 00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,024 I object... 334 00:23:12,091 --> 00:23:16,228 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. 335 00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:18,330 - Yeah. - What? 336 00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:22,935 And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... 337 00:23:23,002 --> 00:23:26,272 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! 338 00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:28,240 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer. 339 00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:30,276 And I object. 340 00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:34,246 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! 341 00:23:34,313 --> 00:23:38,885 - That is not okay! And I rest my case! 342 00:23:38,951 --> 00:23:41,353 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir. 343 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,791 - I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. 344 00:23:44,857 --> 00:23:47,460 - Please, listen. - "Please, listen." 345 00:23:47,527 --> 00:23:49,295 - I didn't steal anything. 346 00:23:49,361 --> 00:23:51,197 I was part of an army experiment-- 347 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,333 Joe stated his case logically and passionately, 348 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:59,539 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter. 349 00:23:59,606 --> 00:24:01,307 - Guilty! 350 00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:06,112 Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence. 351 00:24:06,178 --> 00:24:10,883 Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... 352 00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:15,154 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. 353 00:24:15,221 --> 00:24:18,891 Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance. 354 00:24:18,958 --> 00:24:21,327 Please say the name of the person you wish to call. 355 00:24:21,393 --> 00:24:23,195 Upgrayedd. 356 00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:28,968 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd. 357 00:24:29,035 --> 00:24:31,403 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection. 358 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,305 Man, what? Oh, yeah, baby. 359 00:24:33,372 --> 00:24:35,875 Hey, look, can you just-- can you wait a second, please? 360 00:24:35,942 --> 00:24:40,513 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good. 361 00:24:41,380 --> 00:24:43,482 Really? 362 00:24:44,717 --> 00:24:47,119 Think, uh-- You think maybe you could wait a day? 363 00:24:47,186 --> 00:24:49,188 Baby, I can wait two days. 364 00:24:49,255 --> 00:24:53,960 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour. 365 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:57,897 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby. 366 00:24:57,964 --> 00:24:59,966 Thank you very much, young man. 367 00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:03,870 What the fuck? 368 00:25:03,936 --> 00:25:06,606 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year. 369 00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:10,543 What are we doin' here? 370 00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:13,012 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo. 371 00:25:16,115 --> 00:25:19,185 Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America. 372 00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:23,990 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle. 373 00:25:25,024 --> 00:25:27,093 Thank you. 374 00:25:27,159 --> 00:25:30,997 Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card-- 375 00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:34,500 Document number G24L8. I'm not sure if-- 376 00:25:34,567 --> 00:25:38,671 You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure? 377 00:25:38,738 --> 00:25:40,707 No, it's not correct. 378 00:25:40,773 --> 00:25:44,310 Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? 379 00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,613 No, it's not. My name is Joe-- 380 00:25:46,679 --> 00:25:48,380 You've already confirmed your first name is Not. 381 00:25:48,447 --> 00:25:52,118 Please confirm your last name, "Sure." My-- 382 00:25:52,184 --> 00:25:54,621 My last name is not Sure. 383 00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:57,456 - Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe. 384 00:25:57,523 --> 00:26:02,895 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm. 385 00:26:04,831 --> 00:26:07,867 - Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? 386 00:26:07,934 --> 00:26:10,302 Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning? 387 00:26:10,369 --> 00:26:13,740 They're gonna tat-- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor? 388 00:26:13,806 --> 00:26:16,843 - Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph. 389 00:26:26,352 --> 00:26:28,921 Oh, that's fuckin' great. 390 00:26:31,390 --> 00:26:33,325 Okay, sir, 391 00:26:33,392 --> 00:26:37,664 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests. 392 00:26:37,730 --> 00:26:39,899 What for? 393 00:26:39,966 --> 00:26:44,203 Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... 394 00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:49,375 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail. 395 00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:52,511 If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... 396 00:26:52,578 --> 00:26:55,014 and another bucket that holds five gallons, 397 00:26:55,081 --> 00:26:57,950 how many buckets do you have? 398 00:26:59,952 --> 00:27:01,688 Two? 399 00:27:01,754 --> 00:27:03,890 Thank you. 400 00:27:11,698 --> 00:27:14,600 * Lord, I wonder what's the matter * 401 00:27:14,667 --> 00:27:17,169 * Time, you know, with time * 402 00:27:17,236 --> 00:27:20,973 * It seems like the hours Oh, everything done changed * 403 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,776 * But I hold up my hand * 404 00:27:23,843 --> 00:27:27,046 * Lord, I'm tryin' to make you understand * 405 00:27:30,349 --> 00:27:33,786 * Lord, you know, uh, everybody-- they tell me * 406 00:27:33,853 --> 00:27:36,723 * Somebody done hoodooed the hoodoo man * 407 00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:41,660 * Now you know I buzzed your bell this mornin' * 408 00:27:41,728 --> 00:27:44,864 - * Baby, you had your elevator running slow * - 'Too. 409 00:27:44,931 --> 00:27:48,634 * I buzzed your bell little girl, to take me up on the third floor * 410 00:27:48,701 --> 00:27:51,370 * But I hold up my hand * 411 00:27:51,437 --> 00:27:56,743 * Lord, I'm trying to make you understand * 412 00:27:56,809 --> 00:27:58,878 * Lord, you know, uh * 413 00:27:58,945 --> 00:28:01,413 * They tells the baby * 414 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,951 * That somebody done hoodooed the hoodoo man * 415 00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:08,154 * Lookee here, baby ** 416 00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:10,990 Desperate and scared, 417 00:28:11,057 --> 00:28:13,960 Joe used his superior intelligence... 418 00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:16,829 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of. 419 00:28:16,896 --> 00:28:22,735 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. 420 00:28:23,736 --> 00:28:25,938 Yeah. 421 00:28:26,005 --> 00:28:28,975 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there. 422 00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:32,244 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry. 423 00:28:32,311 --> 00:28:34,113 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through. 424 00:28:51,063 --> 00:28:53,800 'Too. Yeah. Got it. 425 00:28:56,135 --> 00:29:01,640 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison. 426 00:29:01,707 --> 00:29:03,575 Could you check again? 427 00:29:03,642 --> 00:29:06,779 'Cause, I was, you know-- I was definitely in prison, okay? 428 00:29:06,846 --> 00:29:10,917 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there? 429 00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:21,693 "Excape." "Excape." 430 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,430 "Excape." "Excape." 431 00:29:24,496 --> 00:29:28,234 "Excape." "Excape." 432 00:29:31,037 --> 00:29:33,605 * Come back * 433 00:29:33,672 --> 00:29:36,208 * Oh, baby, come back * 434 00:29:38,644 --> 00:29:40,779 * Come back * 435 00:29:40,847 --> 00:29:43,215 * Oh, baby-- ** 436 00:29:45,651 --> 00:29:47,386 The Masturbation Network. 437 00:29:47,453 --> 00:29:51,123 Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. 438 00:29:51,190 --> 00:29:53,826 And now, Sweet Bang Tube. 439 00:29:53,893 --> 00:29:58,797 - Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. 440 00:29:58,865 --> 00:30:00,833 Oh, yeah, that's-- 441 00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:02,835 Go away! 'Batin'! 442 00:30:04,871 --> 00:30:07,106 Damn it. 443 00:30:07,173 --> 00:30:09,876 All right. 444 00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:14,680 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here! 445 00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:18,951 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail. 446 00:30:19,018 --> 00:30:22,454 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house. 447 00:30:22,521 --> 00:30:25,424 Hey, I could have you disbarred-- disbarred-- for what you did to me. 448 00:30:25,491 --> 00:30:28,260 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money. 449 00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:30,362 Oh, really? 450 00:30:30,429 --> 00:30:33,866 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal. 451 00:30:33,933 --> 00:30:35,834 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years. 452 00:30:35,902 --> 00:30:38,905 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now. 453 00:30:38,971 --> 00:30:42,008 You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know? 454 00:30:42,074 --> 00:30:44,010 With Einstein and guys like that? Uh-huh. 455 00:30:44,076 --> 00:30:46,578 - You know, scientists? You know? - Uh. 456 00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:49,882 A time machine, for time travel. 457 00:30:49,949 --> 00:30:52,551 Do they have one? What? 458 00:30:56,956 --> 00:31:00,927 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for. 459 00:31:01,928 --> 00:31:03,996 No, no, they got a time machine. 460 00:31:04,063 --> 00:31:06,032 They do? Yeah. 461 00:31:06,098 --> 00:31:08,034 Are-Are-Are you sure? Yeah. 462 00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:11,938 - Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive. 463 00:31:12,004 --> 00:31:15,307 And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago. 464 00:31:15,374 --> 00:31:17,643 I don't care. Just get me there, okay? 465 00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:19,178 Well-- Please! 466 00:31:19,245 --> 00:31:22,481 Listen, I-- I-- I "supersize" with you, 467 00:31:22,548 --> 00:31:25,484 but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money? 468 00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:29,721 Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back... 469 00:31:29,788 --> 00:31:31,657 I open a savings account in your name. 470 00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:34,460 That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions. 471 00:31:34,526 --> 00:31:35,894 Billions! 'Cause? 472 00:31:35,962 --> 00:31:38,965 'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars. 473 00:31:39,031 --> 00:31:41,700 - Oh, I-- I like money. - Yeah. 474 00:31:41,767 --> 00:31:44,603 - How many billions? - Like, 10. 475 00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:47,974 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20. 476 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,876 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. 477 00:31:50,943 --> 00:31:54,180 Thirty billion dollars. 478 00:31:54,246 --> 00:31:58,717 Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion, 479 00:31:58,784 --> 00:32:00,819 and the time machine's 20-- 480 00:32:00,886 --> 00:32:02,854 What's the minus of 30 and 20? 481 00:32:02,921 --> 00:32:05,657 Uh, it's, uh-- it's 80, Frito. 482 00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:08,360 It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it? 483 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:12,064 - Yeah. I like money though. Police! Open the door! 484 00:32:12,131 --> 00:32:14,466 - We're looking for an "excaped" individual. 485 00:32:14,533 --> 00:32:18,104 - This particular individual's name is Not Sure. - Eighty billion. 486 00:32:18,170 --> 00:32:22,208 Oh, um, he-- He's... somewhere else. 487 00:32:22,274 --> 00:32:26,645 - You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle. 488 00:32:26,712 --> 00:32:28,780 A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo. 489 00:32:28,847 --> 00:32:31,683 Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile." 490 00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:34,253 Okay, sir, we're comin' in. 491 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,588 - No, you can't come in. - Can too! 492 00:32:36,655 --> 00:32:38,857 Come on! All right, let's go get my billions. 493 00:32:41,060 --> 00:32:45,197 Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay? 494 00:32:45,264 --> 00:32:48,100 Is she bangin'? Yeah, sure, she is. 495 00:32:48,167 --> 00:32:50,036 That wasn't really part of the deal. 496 00:32:50,102 --> 00:32:54,040 Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? I like money. 497 00:32:54,106 --> 00:32:57,276 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope. 498 00:32:57,343 --> 00:33:02,081 Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it? 499 00:33:02,148 --> 00:33:05,517 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days. 500 00:33:05,584 --> 00:33:09,755 Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? 501 00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:12,324 Why don't you come back tomorrow? 502 00:33:12,391 --> 00:33:15,194 Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah? 503 00:33:15,261 --> 00:33:18,364 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me. 504 00:33:18,430 --> 00:33:22,034 That's right. Whatever you say, sir. 505 00:33:22,101 --> 00:33:24,603 - Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl. 506 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:27,773 Thank you! Rita! 507 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:31,810 Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on. 508 00:33:31,877 --> 00:33:34,180 Oh, yeah! What the hell, man? 509 00:33:34,246 --> 00:33:36,148 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything. 510 00:33:36,215 --> 00:33:38,684 Where we going? Just get in the car. 511 00:33:38,750 --> 00:33:41,087 Trust me. What happened to those army guys? 512 00:33:43,822 --> 00:33:46,458 Wait a minute. You got cops after you? 513 00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:50,162 Yeah. And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole! 514 00:33:50,229 --> 00:33:52,598 Frito, take a right here. Right, right! 515 00:33:52,664 --> 00:33:54,700 Into that dust storm, Frito. 516 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:02,941 They must have just forgotten about us. 517 00:34:03,008 --> 00:34:06,612 It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no! 518 00:34:06,678 --> 00:34:10,882 Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money! 519 00:34:10,949 --> 00:34:13,085 So, you owe your boyfriend money? 520 00:34:13,152 --> 00:34:15,621 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too. 521 00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:19,625 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit. 522 00:34:19,691 --> 00:34:24,930 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now. 523 00:34:24,996 --> 00:34:27,866 - Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah. 524 00:34:27,933 --> 00:34:31,470 Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past, 525 00:34:31,537 --> 00:34:33,972 but there was no time machine back then, so-- 526 00:34:34,039 --> 00:34:37,109 Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week-- 527 00:34:37,176 --> 00:34:40,078 He will find a way to come get his money! 528 00:34:40,146 --> 00:34:43,415 - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-- - You know what? 529 00:34:43,482 --> 00:34:45,917 Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago... 530 00:34:45,984 --> 00:34:48,554 when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin. 531 00:34:48,620 --> 00:34:50,622 - Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? 532 00:34:50,689 --> 00:34:53,959 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you. 533 00:34:54,025 --> 00:34:57,696 You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure. 534 00:34:57,763 --> 00:35:01,467 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger. 535 00:35:01,533 --> 00:35:04,436 Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. Thank you for your help. 536 00:35:04,503 --> 00:35:06,738 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail. 537 00:35:06,805 --> 00:35:09,808 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them. 538 00:35:09,875 --> 00:35:12,711 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds. 539 00:35:12,778 --> 00:35:16,715 - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery. 540 00:35:21,086 --> 00:35:24,723 Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something? 541 00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:29,728 Oh, shit. 542 00:35:37,736 --> 00:35:40,306 Oh! Oh, shit! 543 00:35:40,372 --> 00:35:42,674 - Yeah! 544 00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:46,178 What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car. 545 00:35:47,313 --> 00:35:51,049 Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire! 546 00:35:51,116 --> 00:35:52,851 Come on! Let's get out of here. 547 00:36:02,361 --> 00:36:04,430 Hey, how much farther is it? 548 00:36:05,764 --> 00:36:08,567 Uh, it's, like, far. 549 00:36:08,634 --> 00:36:12,037 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? 550 00:36:12,103 --> 00:36:15,707 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe. 551 00:36:18,810 --> 00:36:21,313 * Better than Superman Faster than an airplane * 552 00:36:21,380 --> 00:36:24,483 Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going? 553 00:36:24,550 --> 00:36:26,885 I sure hope so. He's our only chance. 554 00:36:26,952 --> 00:36:30,522 - * And fuckin' inflexible * - How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway? 555 00:36:30,589 --> 00:36:34,926 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either. 556 00:36:34,993 --> 00:36:37,429 He's a goddamned idiot. 557 00:36:37,496 --> 00:36:42,434 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine. 558 00:37:00,619 --> 00:37:04,323 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing. 559 00:37:04,390 --> 00:37:07,926 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there. 560 00:37:07,993 --> 00:37:12,197 So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay? 561 00:37:12,264 --> 00:37:14,065 Yeah, what if this time machine don't work? 562 00:37:14,132 --> 00:37:17,569 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it. 563 00:37:22,207 --> 00:37:27,813 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you. 564 00:37:29,014 --> 00:37:31,350 Welcome to Costco. I love you. 565 00:37:33,319 --> 00:37:37,323 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here. 566 00:37:45,163 --> 00:37:47,599 We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going? 567 00:37:47,666 --> 00:37:51,069 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. 568 00:37:51,136 --> 00:37:53,204 In Costco? 569 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:55,674 Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself. 570 00:37:55,741 --> 00:37:59,478 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings. 571 00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,682 Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you, 572 00:38:03,749 --> 00:38:06,818 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it. 573 00:38:16,562 --> 00:38:18,430 Hey, baby, wanna go out? 574 00:38:18,497 --> 00:38:21,066 Wanna go out, honey? 575 00:38:27,839 --> 00:38:30,576 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long. 576 00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:34,380 - Do I got time to use the bathroom? 577 00:38:36,582 --> 00:38:39,351 Uh, the toilet. Be right back. 578 00:38:40,185 --> 00:38:42,654 Yeah, back that thing up. 579 00:38:42,721 --> 00:38:44,923 Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? What? 580 00:38:44,990 --> 00:38:46,892 I like having sex with chicks. Yeah? 581 00:38:46,958 --> 00:38:48,927 Yeah. I think everybody does, Frito. 582 00:38:48,994 --> 00:38:52,498 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways. 583 00:38:52,564 --> 00:38:55,000 Then you just, like, back it up. And then you-- 584 00:38:55,066 --> 00:38:57,403 - That's real good. - Then you-- Oh, yeah! 585 00:38:57,469 --> 00:38:59,638 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay? 586 00:38:59,705 --> 00:39:01,640 Warning! Warning! 587 00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:04,142 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702. 588 00:39:04,209 --> 00:39:06,645 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here. 589 00:39:06,712 --> 00:39:09,114 I don't care. Come on! 590 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:13,552 - Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do? 591 00:39:13,619 --> 00:39:15,654 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. 592 00:39:15,721 --> 00:39:18,490 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past, 593 00:39:18,557 --> 00:39:20,592 I tell her not to do the experiment. 594 00:39:20,659 --> 00:39:22,861 - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh-- 595 00:39:22,928 --> 00:39:24,930 No, wait. Please stand clear of the doors. 596 00:39:24,996 --> 00:39:27,833 She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right? 597 00:39:27,899 --> 00:39:31,036 - Uh-- - No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. 598 00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:33,972 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment. 599 00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:36,708 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. 600 00:39:36,775 --> 00:39:39,077 - Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - I-- 601 00:39:39,144 --> 00:39:41,847 - But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh-- 602 00:39:41,913 --> 00:39:44,049 Goddamn, how does this time travel work? 603 00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:47,886 - Please stand clear. Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! 604 00:39:47,953 --> 00:39:50,756 Put your hands up! Don't move! Freeze! 605 00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:03,969 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail, 606 00:40:04,035 --> 00:40:06,905 just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way-- 607 00:40:06,972 --> 00:40:10,241 Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! 608 00:40:10,308 --> 00:40:14,746 - What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow. 609 00:40:14,813 --> 00:40:16,782 What? 610 00:40:16,848 --> 00:40:19,084 Ow! God! Hey, stop! Damn it. 611 00:40:21,119 --> 00:40:24,823 What is this? Okay, sir, this is the White House. 612 00:40:24,890 --> 00:40:27,292 What are we doing at the White House? What? 613 00:40:27,358 --> 00:40:29,695 Ow! Ow! Goddamn! 614 00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:33,164 It turned out the results of Joe's I.Q. test... 615 00:40:33,231 --> 00:40:37,335 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government. 616 00:40:37,402 --> 00:40:41,640 Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who? 617 00:40:41,707 --> 00:40:43,909 The I.Q. test you took in prison. 618 00:40:43,975 --> 00:40:46,645 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 619 00:40:46,712 --> 00:40:49,748 Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho. 620 00:40:49,815 --> 00:40:52,551 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior. 621 00:40:52,618 --> 00:40:54,620 Okay, so who are you? 622 00:40:54,686 --> 00:40:56,555 I'm the secretary of energy. 623 00:40:56,622 --> 00:40:59,190 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member. 624 00:40:59,257 --> 00:41:03,194 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 625 00:41:03,261 --> 00:41:06,498 - Why do you keep saying that? - 'Cause they pay me every time I do. 626 00:41:06,565 --> 00:41:10,468 It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that? 627 00:41:12,137 --> 00:41:14,873 He's the secretary of defense. Hi. 628 00:41:14,940 --> 00:41:18,009 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general. 629 00:41:18,076 --> 00:41:20,411 Hi. 630 00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,681 And that's the secretary of education. 631 00:41:24,750 --> 00:41:28,019 He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother. 632 00:41:28,086 --> 00:41:30,288 Still, he does a pretty good job, eh? 633 00:41:30,355 --> 00:41:33,992 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake, 634 00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:37,663 'cause the test I took was real, real easy. 635 00:41:37,729 --> 00:41:41,767 I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay? 636 00:41:46,071 --> 00:41:49,908 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior. 637 00:41:49,975 --> 00:41:53,478 - I don't even know what it is. You better find out. 638 00:41:53,545 --> 00:41:56,514 - Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo, 639 00:41:56,582 --> 00:42:00,586 I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside. 640 00:42:00,652 --> 00:42:05,724 Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion, 641 00:42:05,791 --> 00:42:09,628 porn superstar, and president of the United States... 642 00:42:09,695 --> 00:42:13,298 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world. 643 00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:15,967 - So you smart, huh? - No, no. 644 00:42:19,337 --> 00:42:22,641 - I thought your head would be bigger. 645 00:42:25,476 --> 00:42:27,713 Goddamn. 646 00:42:27,779 --> 00:42:30,215 It look like a peanut. 647 00:42:30,281 --> 00:42:32,150 Let's get you sworn in. 648 00:42:47,098 --> 00:42:50,435 Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America! 649 00:42:53,972 --> 00:42:56,608 President Camacho! 650 00:42:57,508 --> 00:43:00,278 Shut up. 651 00:43:00,345 --> 00:43:04,449 Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. 652 00:43:04,515 --> 00:43:06,117 Chill out. 653 00:43:10,355 --> 00:43:11,857 Shit. 654 00:43:14,125 --> 00:43:17,328 I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. 655 00:43:17,395 --> 00:43:22,067 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 656 00:43:22,133 --> 00:43:23,635 Yeah! 657 00:43:23,702 --> 00:43:26,705 - But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit! 658 00:43:26,772 --> 00:43:28,740 I got a solution. You're a dick! 659 00:43:28,807 --> 00:43:31,342 South Carolina, "whassup?" 660 00:43:38,784 --> 00:43:42,087 That's what I thought! 661 00:43:44,923 --> 00:43:48,193 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now, 662 00:43:48,259 --> 00:43:50,829 but listen up. 663 00:43:50,896 --> 00:43:53,699 I got a three-point plan to fix everything. 664 00:43:53,765 --> 00:43:55,200 Break it down, Camacho! 665 00:43:55,266 --> 00:44:00,571 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure. 666 00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:05,510 - Number two, he's got a higher I.Q. than any man alive. 667 00:44:05,576 --> 00:44:09,881 - And number three, he's gonna fix everything. 668 00:44:09,948 --> 00:44:13,218 I give you my word as president. 669 00:44:13,284 --> 00:44:15,854 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops. 670 00:44:15,921 --> 00:44:18,389 He's gonna make 'em grow again. 671 00:44:18,456 --> 00:44:23,494 - Crops? - And that ain't all. * I give you my word * 672 00:44:25,430 --> 00:44:28,700 * He's gonna fix the dust storms too * 673 00:44:30,401 --> 00:44:32,938 * I give you my word * 674 00:44:33,004 --> 00:44:36,641 * He's gonna fix the "ecomony" * 675 00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:41,446 * And he's so smart * 676 00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:46,718 - * He's gonna do it all in one week * 677 00:44:46,785 --> 00:44:50,321 President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... 678 00:44:50,388 --> 00:44:54,159 that Joe would solve all their problems. 679 00:44:54,225 --> 00:44:58,329 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy, 680 00:44:58,396 --> 00:45:01,199 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well. 681 00:45:01,266 --> 00:45:03,601 And if he didn't, 682 00:45:03,668 --> 00:45:06,004 President Camacho made another promise. 683 00:45:06,071 --> 00:45:09,808 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth. 684 00:45:09,875 --> 00:45:14,112 - And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. 685 00:45:18,416 --> 00:45:20,786 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President. 686 00:45:20,852 --> 00:45:22,954 I don't know how to be secretary of anything. 687 00:45:23,021 --> 00:45:24,489 I mean, I've never even voted, actually. 688 00:45:24,555 --> 00:45:27,425 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is. 689 00:45:27,492 --> 00:45:32,130 Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it? 690 00:45:32,197 --> 00:45:36,701 Besides, you do a kick-ass job, 691 00:45:36,768 --> 00:45:38,970 you get a full presidential pardon. 692 00:45:39,037 --> 00:45:40,939 No jail time. Yeah? 693 00:45:41,006 --> 00:45:44,675 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer. 694 00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:46,945 And get you one too. 695 00:45:52,717 --> 00:45:54,752 Shit! 696 00:45:54,820 --> 00:45:57,422 Hold on, vato! 697 00:45:57,488 --> 00:45:59,257 Whoo! 698 00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,980 - Do somethin' smart. - Yeah. 699 00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:26,918 Uh, okay. Uh-- 700 00:46:26,985 --> 00:46:30,188 - I'll, uh-- 701 00:46:30,255 --> 00:46:33,758 - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks. 702 00:46:33,825 --> 00:46:38,930 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel. 703 00:46:38,997 --> 00:46:40,765 You understand? So I'll be right back. 704 00:46:40,832 --> 00:46:44,202 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of. 705 00:46:44,269 --> 00:46:49,040 - Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart. 706 00:46:49,107 --> 00:46:51,242 Wait here, okay? Wait there. 707 00:46:51,309 --> 00:46:54,112 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House. 708 00:46:54,179 --> 00:46:56,247 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone. 709 00:46:56,314 --> 00:46:57,849 Yeah? Yeah. 710 00:46:57,916 --> 00:47:01,386 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me. 711 00:47:01,452 --> 00:47:04,155 I don't know the first thing about growin' crops, 712 00:47:04,222 --> 00:47:06,524 much less the goddamn "ecomony." 713 00:47:06,591 --> 00:47:08,626 Econ-Economy. 714 00:47:08,693 --> 00:47:11,562 Let's see. Growin' crops-- 715 00:47:11,629 --> 00:47:15,366 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine. 716 00:47:15,433 --> 00:47:19,737 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff. 717 00:47:19,804 --> 00:47:21,839 It's, like-- It's, like, by the museum, 718 00:47:21,907 --> 00:47:24,509 sort of, but, well, actually, not really. 719 00:47:24,575 --> 00:47:29,114 More like-- But on the street. You go, um-- Wait. Let me start over. 720 00:47:29,180 --> 00:47:31,049 Okay, you know where the time machine is? 721 00:47:31,116 --> 00:47:34,085 Hey. Just draw me a map, okay? 722 00:47:34,152 --> 00:47:36,988 You still want the money? 723 00:47:37,055 --> 00:47:39,790 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House, 724 00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:44,729 - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out! 725 00:47:44,795 --> 00:47:47,798 Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? 726 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:50,035 - So act smart! - Smart like you? 727 00:47:50,101 --> 00:47:53,604 "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home." 728 00:47:53,671 --> 00:47:56,474 - I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that." 729 00:47:56,541 --> 00:47:58,643 Shit, I thought there was two of you. 730 00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,478 See? 731 00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:03,181 Doesn't look that big, is it? 732 00:48:03,248 --> 00:48:06,451 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops. 733 00:48:06,517 --> 00:48:10,488 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area. 734 00:48:12,057 --> 00:48:14,926 All right? Hey, come on! 735 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:21,266 Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right? 736 00:48:21,332 --> 00:48:24,802 Whoa. Did you just make that up? 737 00:48:24,869 --> 00:48:27,772 Yes, I did. Now look, 738 00:48:27,838 --> 00:48:30,475 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately, 739 00:48:30,541 --> 00:48:33,078 - and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why? 740 00:48:34,745 --> 00:48:39,784 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset, 741 00:48:39,850 --> 00:48:44,689 you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize. 742 00:48:51,329 --> 00:48:54,265 Utilize her! Utilize her! 743 00:48:54,332 --> 00:48:56,567 Utilize! 744 00:48:56,634 --> 00:48:59,737 - Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right? 745 00:48:59,804 --> 00:49:02,540 Oh, yeah. Butt first! 746 00:49:04,575 --> 00:49:07,312 Utilize her! Okay. 747 00:49:13,118 --> 00:49:16,454 Dang! May I approach your benches? 748 00:49:22,093 --> 00:49:24,762 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad. 749 00:49:24,829 --> 00:49:27,632 Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this? 750 00:49:27,698 --> 00:49:31,269 Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out. 751 00:49:31,336 --> 00:49:35,073 See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map? 752 00:49:35,140 --> 00:49:37,208 Oh, yeah. Discreetly. 753 00:49:41,446 --> 00:49:44,215 It's right there. I see it. I see it. 754 00:49:44,282 --> 00:49:46,884 Stand up with me. 755 00:49:46,951 --> 00:49:50,888 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted. 756 00:49:50,955 --> 00:49:53,991 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on. 757 00:49:54,059 --> 00:49:58,363 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. 758 00:49:58,429 --> 00:50:00,531 Don't worry though. We'll get her out... 759 00:50:00,598 --> 00:50:03,901 on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her. 760 00:50:03,968 --> 00:50:07,205 Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field? 761 00:50:07,272 --> 00:50:09,740 What the fuck are you all starin' at? 762 00:50:09,807 --> 00:50:11,742 Joe? That's Not Sure, ma'am. 763 00:50:11,809 --> 00:50:15,780 - Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what? 764 00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:20,418 Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone? 765 00:50:20,485 --> 00:50:25,090 You know, in the bushes? 766 00:50:26,691 --> 00:50:28,626 Oh, man. 767 00:50:37,168 --> 00:50:40,871 - Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out? 768 00:50:40,938 --> 00:50:42,940 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah. 769 00:50:43,007 --> 00:50:46,277 I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior? 770 00:50:46,344 --> 00:50:48,646 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything. 771 00:50:57,355 --> 00:50:59,424 Okay. Get ready to run. 772 00:51:01,892 --> 00:51:04,562 What? Oh, goddamn it. 773 00:51:04,629 --> 00:51:07,398 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways. 774 00:51:07,465 --> 00:51:09,567 We'll ask for directions on the way. 775 00:51:09,634 --> 00:51:12,770 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find. 776 00:51:12,837 --> 00:51:15,806 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems. 777 00:51:15,873 --> 00:51:18,976 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me. 778 00:51:19,043 --> 00:51:22,480 Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible! 779 00:51:22,547 --> 00:51:25,350 Oh, yeah? Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... 780 00:51:25,416 --> 00:51:27,518 could somehow magically travel through time, 781 00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:31,021 we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay? 782 00:51:31,088 --> 00:51:32,957 So don't worry. You're safe. 783 00:51:33,023 --> 00:51:36,194 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back, 784 00:51:36,261 --> 00:51:39,063 you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? 785 00:51:39,130 --> 00:51:43,468 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend. 786 00:51:43,534 --> 00:51:47,672 Hey! She's not puttin' out? 787 00:51:47,738 --> 00:51:51,976 Uh, no, she is. We, uh-- We already did it. 788 00:51:52,042 --> 00:51:54,579 Yeah. He was great. 789 00:51:56,714 --> 00:52:00,418 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh, 790 00:52:00,485 --> 00:52:02,520 if we'd go family-style on her. 791 00:52:05,089 --> 00:52:08,593 Uh, yeah, probably not right now. 792 00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:12,830 We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later. 793 00:52:19,170 --> 00:52:20,838 What the hell is this? 794 00:52:23,808 --> 00:52:27,678 - Tastes like Gatorade. Is that that Brawndo stuff? 795 00:52:27,745 --> 00:52:31,516 They're watering crops with a sports drink? 796 00:52:33,117 --> 00:52:35,953 Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... 797 00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:38,223 virtually everywhere. 798 00:52:38,289 --> 00:52:40,525 Water, the basic component of all life, 799 00:52:40,591 --> 00:52:43,594 had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin. 800 00:52:43,661 --> 00:52:47,298 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... 801 00:52:47,365 --> 00:52:52,102 when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D.A.... 802 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:53,638 and the F.C.C.... 803 00:52:53,704 --> 00:52:56,040 enabling them to say, do and sell... 804 00:52:56,106 --> 00:52:57,942 anything they wanted. 805 00:53:03,113 --> 00:53:05,750 Joe didn't know any of this, 806 00:53:05,816 --> 00:53:09,854 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve. 807 00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:14,459 With his options running out, Joe took a bold step. 808 00:53:14,525 --> 00:53:16,827 He would not get out of the way. 809 00:53:16,894 --> 00:53:19,630 This time, he would lead. 810 00:53:19,697 --> 00:53:21,766 For the last time, I'm pretty sure... 811 00:53:21,832 --> 00:53:24,902 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. 812 00:53:24,969 --> 00:53:27,738 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes. 813 00:53:27,805 --> 00:53:29,874 So wait a minute. What you're saying... 814 00:53:29,940 --> 00:53:33,778 is that you want us to put water on the crops. 815 00:53:33,844 --> 00:53:37,047 - Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet? 816 00:53:37,114 --> 00:53:41,051 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. 817 00:53:41,118 --> 00:53:44,622 - But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes. 818 00:53:44,689 --> 00:53:46,491 Okay, look. 819 00:53:46,557 --> 00:53:50,194 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. 820 00:53:50,261 --> 00:53:54,932 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. 821 00:53:54,999 --> 00:53:58,803 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. 822 00:53:58,869 --> 00:54:02,139 Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? 823 00:54:02,206 --> 00:54:06,176 - You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. 824 00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:10,315 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? 825 00:54:10,381 --> 00:54:12,783 Brawndo's got what plants crave. 826 00:54:12,850 --> 00:54:15,486 - Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes. 827 00:54:15,553 --> 00:54:18,088 What are electrolytes? Do you even know? 828 00:54:18,155 --> 00:54:20,858 It's what they use to make Brawndo. 829 00:54:20,925 --> 00:54:23,594 Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo? 830 00:54:23,661 --> 00:54:26,364 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes. 831 00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:33,771 After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... 832 00:54:33,838 --> 00:54:36,974 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... 833 00:54:37,041 --> 00:54:39,644 and that they wanted water. 834 00:54:40,678 --> 00:54:43,013 He made believers out of everyone. 835 00:54:43,080 --> 00:54:46,817 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... 836 00:54:46,884 --> 00:54:50,788 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades, 837 00:54:50,855 --> 00:54:53,558 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl. 838 00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:59,430 As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water, 839 00:54:59,497 --> 00:55:04,735 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end. 840 00:55:04,802 --> 00:55:08,806 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon. 841 00:55:08,873 --> 00:55:12,042 - Or so it seemed. 842 00:55:13,243 --> 00:55:17,214 Man, I hope somethin' grows fast. 843 00:55:17,281 --> 00:55:19,183 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home. 844 00:55:19,249 --> 00:55:22,887 Man. You really think those people would have starved to death? 845 00:55:24,355 --> 00:55:29,093 I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this? 846 00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:33,063 You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. 847 00:55:33,130 --> 00:55:35,866 - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm. 848 00:55:35,933 --> 00:55:38,369 - I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither. 849 00:55:41,038 --> 00:55:44,675 You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? 850 00:55:44,742 --> 00:55:47,478 Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. 851 00:55:47,545 --> 00:55:51,682 - Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah. 852 00:55:54,118 --> 00:55:56,320 Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops-- 853 00:55:56,387 --> 00:55:58,589 Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. No. No. 854 00:55:58,656 --> 00:56:01,859 They said that you got me a pardon. 855 00:56:01,926 --> 00:56:04,862 You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so... 856 00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:08,833 I guess I owe you one. 857 00:56:11,035 --> 00:56:14,639 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to. 858 00:56:15,906 --> 00:56:20,177 Oh. No. I'm-- I'm all right. Yeah. 859 00:56:20,244 --> 00:56:24,348 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that. 860 00:56:24,415 --> 00:56:26,050 You in bed with a stranger. 861 00:56:27,752 --> 00:56:30,120 - Yeah. 862 00:56:33,057 --> 00:56:34,959 I know. I know. 863 00:56:36,861 --> 00:56:41,932 Yeah. Oh, boy. 864 00:56:49,807 --> 00:56:52,510 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd. 865 00:56:52,577 --> 00:56:55,012 Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd. 866 00:56:55,079 --> 00:56:57,515 Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked. 867 00:56:57,582 --> 00:56:59,817 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero, 868 00:56:59,884 --> 00:57:02,319 leaving half the population unemployed, 869 00:57:02,386 --> 00:57:06,256 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... 870 00:57:06,323 --> 00:57:08,325 and screaming for Joe's head. 871 00:57:08,392 --> 00:57:10,961 An emergency cabinet meeting was called... 872 00:57:11,028 --> 00:57:13,564 with the C.E.O. of the Brawndo Corporation. 873 00:57:13,631 --> 00:57:15,966 How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator? 874 00:57:16,033 --> 00:57:18,536 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo. 875 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:21,305 Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero, 876 00:57:21,371 --> 00:57:23,574 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody. 877 00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:26,310 - We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck? 878 00:57:26,376 --> 00:57:30,548 - Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but-- 879 00:57:30,615 --> 00:57:33,150 - You mean this is all your fault? - What? 880 00:57:33,217 --> 00:57:37,121 Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water! 881 00:57:37,187 --> 00:57:40,991 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 882 00:57:43,694 --> 00:57:45,630 Fox News. 883 00:57:48,766 --> 00:57:51,936 He tried taking water from toilets, 884 00:57:52,002 --> 00:57:55,873 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. 885 00:57:55,940 --> 00:57:57,908 And as history pulls down its pants... 886 00:57:57,975 --> 00:58:01,245 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head, 887 00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:05,349 it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time. 888 00:58:05,415 --> 00:58:09,754 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... 889 00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:13,691 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial. 890 00:58:16,126 --> 00:58:20,364 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... 891 00:58:20,430 --> 00:58:24,068 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. 892 00:58:24,134 --> 00:58:28,172 Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me! 893 00:58:28,238 --> 00:58:30,407 That part of the trial sucked. 894 00:58:30,474 --> 00:58:33,177 But then, the chief "J" just went off. 895 00:58:33,243 --> 00:58:35,179 He said, "Man, whatever. 896 00:58:35,245 --> 00:58:37,982 The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that." 897 00:58:38,048 --> 00:58:41,786 And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation. 898 00:58:41,852 --> 00:58:44,488 Hey, rehabilitation? One night? 899 00:58:44,555 --> 00:58:46,456 Doesn't sound so bad. 900 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,392 Not so bad, huh? 901 00:58:48,458 --> 00:58:51,729 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation. 902 00:59:02,873 --> 00:59:05,843 And who could forget that wonderful finish... 903 00:59:05,910 --> 00:59:08,445 by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones? 904 00:59:08,512 --> 00:59:12,316 And tomorrow night looks even more better. 905 00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:16,754 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement. 906 00:59:16,821 --> 00:59:19,690 Wow. Thank you, Formica. 907 00:59:21,091 --> 00:59:24,028 So you think you can escape again like you did last time? 908 00:59:24,094 --> 00:59:26,931 No. They pretty much fixed that. How? 909 00:59:26,997 --> 00:59:29,299 They chained me to a big rock. 910 00:59:30,768 --> 00:59:32,637 Oh. - Yeah. 911 00:59:32,703 --> 00:59:35,039 Look, Rita, get Frito. 912 00:59:35,105 --> 00:59:38,208 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait. 913 00:59:38,275 --> 00:59:42,279 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't. 914 00:59:42,346 --> 00:59:45,783 Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? 915 00:59:45,850 --> 00:59:48,585 Tell people to read books. 916 00:59:48,653 --> 00:59:50,788 Tell people to stay in school, you know. 917 00:59:50,855 --> 00:59:54,358 Tell people to just use their brains or something. 918 00:59:54,424 --> 00:59:57,628 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me. 919 00:59:57,695 --> 01:00:02,332 I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know? 920 01:00:02,399 --> 01:00:05,035 So just go back and-- Visit's over! 921 01:00:07,972 --> 01:00:11,375 And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay? 922 01:00:13,077 --> 01:00:14,979 Good luck, Joe. 923 01:00:22,119 --> 01:00:25,089 Okay, that's five down and one more to go. 924 01:00:25,155 --> 01:00:28,859 Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death? 925 01:00:28,926 --> 01:00:32,496 Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army. 926 01:00:34,665 --> 01:00:36,633 Okay, we're gonna do this shit. 927 01:00:36,701 --> 01:00:39,870 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem, 928 01:00:39,937 --> 01:00:44,675 the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez! 929 01:00:44,742 --> 01:00:47,845 Thank you. Thank you. 930 01:00:47,912 --> 01:00:52,883 Hey! Come here! * Oh, say can you see * 931 01:00:52,950 --> 01:00:56,420 Come here! * By the dawn's early light * 932 01:00:56,486 --> 01:00:58,488 Right in the balls! 933 01:00:58,555 --> 01:01:03,460 - That's just how that shit went on TV! 934 01:01:03,527 --> 01:01:07,832 This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator. 935 01:01:07,898 --> 01:01:09,800 After you've killed someone... 936 01:01:09,867 --> 01:01:11,769 your body needs electrolytes. Yeah. 937 01:01:11,836 --> 01:01:15,139 So, my car's out front... 938 01:01:15,205 --> 01:01:17,574 whenever you want me to take you... 939 01:01:17,641 --> 01:01:19,810 to the time machine. 940 01:01:19,877 --> 01:01:21,946 Thanks, Frito. 941 01:01:22,012 --> 01:01:24,081 Yeah. I can't hear you! 942 01:01:24,148 --> 01:01:27,351 That's a real bummer about Joe, huh? 943 01:01:27,417 --> 01:01:30,154 I can't hear you! Yeah. 944 01:01:30,220 --> 01:01:35,793 Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation. 945 01:01:47,304 --> 01:01:51,742 Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight. 946 01:01:51,809 --> 01:01:55,112 With a combined record of 62 kills, 947 01:01:55,179 --> 01:02:00,050 please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer! 948 01:02:05,890 --> 01:02:11,628 And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster! 949 01:02:11,695 --> 01:02:13,697 I get a truck too, right? 950 01:02:13,764 --> 01:02:16,566 Yeah. Here it comes. 951 01:02:26,210 --> 01:02:28,145 Get in. 952 01:02:32,682 --> 01:02:35,052 You still got the chain attached. 953 01:02:37,254 --> 01:02:39,824 Door won't shut. - What about the chain? 954 01:02:39,890 --> 01:02:41,758 We could break it. No. He could escape. 955 01:02:41,826 --> 01:02:45,462 I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. Yeah. That'll work. 956 01:02:49,033 --> 01:02:52,636 - Who's smart now? Let's bring out our criminal. 957 01:02:52,702 --> 01:02:55,940 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops. 958 01:02:56,006 --> 01:02:58,342 He cost millions of people their jobs. 959 01:02:58,408 --> 01:03:01,912 Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure! 960 01:03:13,924 --> 01:03:16,293 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die. 961 01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:19,263 Are you ready for some car-on-car action? 962 01:03:19,329 --> 01:03:21,265 Yes. 963 01:03:22,299 --> 01:03:25,202 I can't watch this. This is-- 964 01:03:25,269 --> 01:03:29,907 This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry. 965 01:03:31,708 --> 01:03:35,645 Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look! 966 01:03:35,712 --> 01:03:38,082 He was right. The water-- it worked. 967 01:03:38,148 --> 01:03:40,918 Frito, can you get me over there? 968 01:03:41,718 --> 01:03:43,653 Yes. 969 01:03:43,720 --> 01:03:46,823 No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place. 970 01:03:46,891 --> 01:03:49,026 Uh, this way. Yeah! 971 01:03:53,563 --> 01:03:55,465 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 972 01:03:55,532 --> 01:03:58,568 And now the dude that everybody came here to see, 973 01:03:58,635 --> 01:04:02,272 - Yeah! - the only undefeated officer ever in history, 974 01:04:02,339 --> 01:04:05,876 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass, 975 01:04:05,943 --> 01:04:11,048 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history-- 976 01:04:11,115 --> 01:04:15,052 bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster, 977 01:04:15,119 --> 01:04:19,023 bigger and huger than everything ever before in history-- 978 01:04:19,089 --> 01:04:22,159 the brand-new Assdozer! 979 01:04:22,226 --> 01:04:24,995 - Give it up for Beef Supreme! 980 01:04:28,465 --> 01:04:30,367 Oh! 981 01:04:36,406 --> 01:04:38,342 Oh! 982 01:04:52,656 --> 01:04:55,993 Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh? 983 01:04:56,060 --> 01:04:58,695 We seem to be "experimenting"... 984 01:04:58,762 --> 01:05:01,932 some "techmological" differences, 985 01:05:01,999 --> 01:05:03,934 so, uh, shit. 986 01:05:04,001 --> 01:05:07,571 Frito, look! 987 01:05:07,637 --> 01:05:09,706 It's working everywhere! Huh. 988 01:05:09,773 --> 01:05:14,044 Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks. 989 01:05:14,111 --> 01:05:17,114 Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-- Man. 990 01:05:17,181 --> 01:05:19,383 Hey! Oh, oh, okay. 991 01:05:19,449 --> 01:05:21,685 Get this shit started! We're gonna start without Beef Supreme. 992 01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:25,422 Let the rehabilitation begin! 993 01:05:34,999 --> 01:05:37,501 - Oh, shit. 994 01:05:37,567 --> 01:05:40,504 Come on. Come on. 995 01:05:40,570 --> 01:05:43,173 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 996 01:05:45,809 --> 01:05:48,445 - Oh! 997 01:05:53,083 --> 01:05:54,651 Goddamn it. 998 01:05:57,087 --> 01:06:01,058 - Yeah! - Jesus, that was close. 999 01:06:03,460 --> 01:06:06,430 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you. 1000 01:06:06,496 --> 01:06:08,665 You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water. 1001 01:06:08,732 --> 01:06:11,735 We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing. 1002 01:06:11,801 --> 01:06:13,637 I didn't see no crops. 1003 01:06:14,904 --> 01:06:16,473 They're circling around. 1004 01:06:16,540 --> 01:06:19,209 They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him! 1005 01:06:21,778 --> 01:06:25,249 - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. - Oh! 1006 01:06:46,103 --> 01:06:49,106 So, uh-- So the winner is, uh-- 1007 01:06:50,807 --> 01:06:54,111 You gotta be shittin' me. - Did he win? 1008 01:06:56,880 --> 01:06:59,183 Uh-oh. Look. 1009 01:07:01,051 --> 01:07:04,754 Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme! 1010 01:07:12,096 --> 01:07:13,830 Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah! 1011 01:07:13,897 --> 01:07:18,202 Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... 1012 01:07:18,268 --> 01:07:21,037 right by the Starbucks? Uh-huh. 1013 01:07:21,105 --> 01:07:25,209 Hey. Wanna make some money? I like money. 1014 01:07:39,389 --> 01:07:43,593 Hey, um, the, uh-- the main screen is malfunctioning, 1015 01:07:43,660 --> 01:07:46,330 and they gonna need you outside immediately. 1016 01:07:49,466 --> 01:07:52,536 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway. 1017 01:07:55,772 --> 01:07:58,275 Come on, Frito. Hurry. 1018 01:07:59,243 --> 01:08:01,345 Can't believe you like money too. 1019 01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:04,080 We should hang out. Totally. 1020 01:08:29,306 --> 01:08:31,375 He's behind the truck! 1021 01:08:33,377 --> 01:08:36,280 - Yes! Yes! 1022 01:08:37,547 --> 01:08:39,583 He's behind the fucking truck! He's over there! 1023 01:08:39,649 --> 01:08:41,751 Behind the truck, stupid! 1024 01:08:52,028 --> 01:08:53,697 Look! 1025 01:08:55,965 --> 01:08:59,569 Shit. That's a good deal. 1026 01:08:59,636 --> 01:09:04,140 Extra foam. - I got a bunch of money too. 1027 01:09:04,208 --> 01:09:06,776 Forgot what it was for. Huh. 1028 01:09:07,977 --> 01:09:11,948 - You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably. 1029 01:09:12,015 --> 01:09:16,353 - You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. - What the fuck? 1030 01:09:18,388 --> 01:09:20,724 Yeah! Yeah! 1031 01:09:30,334 --> 01:09:34,271 - Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? 1032 01:09:34,338 --> 01:09:36,340 Can I just say something here? 1033 01:09:38,608 --> 01:09:41,678 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here. 1034 01:09:41,745 --> 01:09:45,649 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did. 1035 01:09:45,715 --> 01:09:49,386 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money, 1036 01:09:49,453 --> 01:09:51,721 and I'm very sorry that that happened. 1037 01:09:51,788 --> 01:09:53,723 But I'm tellin' you, 1038 01:09:53,790 --> 01:09:56,260 if you put water on the crops, it might actually-- 1039 01:09:56,326 --> 01:09:59,263 No, it will work. I promise you! 1040 01:09:59,329 --> 01:10:03,867 You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all. 1041 01:10:03,933 --> 01:10:08,772 So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever. 1042 01:10:08,838 --> 01:10:12,409 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. 1043 01:10:13,510 --> 01:10:16,045 Do you really want to live in a world... 1044 01:10:16,112 --> 01:10:19,683 where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you? 1045 01:10:30,427 --> 01:10:32,729 Hold on. Just hold on. 1046 01:10:53,149 --> 01:10:56,420 Oh, man. That was great. 1047 01:10:56,486 --> 01:11:00,223 Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there? 1048 01:11:00,290 --> 01:11:03,593 Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin? 1049 01:11:03,660 --> 01:11:07,096 Wait. This reminds me of something. 1050 01:11:07,163 --> 01:11:09,999 Uh, "Rehabil-- Rehabilate-- 1051 01:11:10,066 --> 01:11:13,370 - Rehabilation." - Why do you keep trying to read that word? 1052 01:11:13,437 --> 01:11:16,906 - You a fag? - I'll fag your face! 1053 01:11:25,615 --> 01:11:28,652 - Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so. 1054 01:11:29,986 --> 01:11:32,522 Oh, yeah. 1055 01:12:13,897 --> 01:12:18,402 This guy just got his ass a pardon! 1056 01:12:26,410 --> 01:12:28,244 Yeah! 1057 01:12:42,559 --> 01:12:45,995 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say. 1058 01:12:46,062 --> 01:12:49,298 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me. 1059 01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:51,267 Yeah, well, 1060 01:12:51,334 --> 01:12:54,370 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know, 1061 01:12:54,438 --> 01:12:58,374 - I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks. 1062 01:12:59,843 --> 01:13:02,345 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... 1063 01:13:02,412 --> 01:13:04,313 even though these people tried to kill me, 1064 01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:07,917 - you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah. 1065 01:13:07,984 --> 01:13:10,820 Frito-- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine. 1066 01:13:10,887 --> 01:13:14,123 I just, uh-- I hope he's okay to drive. 1067 01:13:15,625 --> 01:13:18,862 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show. 1068 01:13:18,928 --> 01:13:21,264 Thank you so much. 1069 01:13:21,330 --> 01:13:26,503 - Uh, Joe, I'm not going. - What? 1070 01:13:28,237 --> 01:13:32,208 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again. 1071 01:13:32,275 --> 01:13:34,210 Maybe it's time I got a new start. 1072 01:13:34,277 --> 01:13:38,448 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here. 1073 01:13:38,515 --> 01:13:41,117 I'm gonna be a C.E.O. At Starbucks? 1074 01:13:41,184 --> 01:13:44,053 Yeah. Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right? 1075 01:13:45,855 --> 01:13:49,258 Yeah. Sure. 1076 01:13:49,325 --> 01:13:51,060 I guess this is good-bye then. 1077 01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:55,131 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1078 01:13:55,198 --> 01:13:59,569 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1079 01:13:59,636 --> 01:14:03,940 Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is. 1080 01:14:06,476 --> 01:14:08,612 Let me get that little peanut head up here. 1081 01:14:08,678 --> 01:14:11,481 Yo. Yo. 1082 01:14:11,548 --> 01:14:13,517 I have decided... 1083 01:14:13,583 --> 01:14:16,319 to make this man-- 1084 01:14:16,385 --> 01:14:19,188 the man who solved all our problems-- 1085 01:14:20,557 --> 01:14:23,292 I have decided to make him... 1086 01:14:23,359 --> 01:14:25,595 my new vice president. 1087 01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:31,501 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir, 1088 01:14:31,568 --> 01:14:35,371 - but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why? 1089 01:14:35,438 --> 01:14:40,243 - You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems. 1090 01:14:40,309 --> 01:14:43,412 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves. 1091 01:14:43,479 --> 01:14:45,982 - How? - Think about it, you know? 1092 01:14:46,049 --> 01:14:49,152 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops. 1093 01:14:49,218 --> 01:14:53,790 But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"? 1094 01:14:53,857 --> 01:14:59,696 And what about the nuc-- "nucular" reactor in Florida? 1095 01:14:59,763 --> 01:15:02,231 It's broke and leaky and something's happening. 1096 01:15:02,298 --> 01:15:07,771 - I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass. 1097 01:15:07,837 --> 01:15:10,874 Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh? 1098 01:15:10,940 --> 01:15:14,110 - Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea. 1099 01:15:14,177 --> 01:15:16,746 Like we did on the crops. Come on, vato. 1100 01:15:16,813 --> 01:15:19,282 Hey, you can't leave. 1101 01:15:19,348 --> 01:15:25,221 Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh? 1102 01:15:36,099 --> 01:15:40,570 I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what? 1103 01:15:40,637 --> 01:15:43,439 - Forget about the time machine. - Yeah! 1104 01:15:47,476 --> 01:15:50,980 That ride sucks anyways. 1105 01:15:51,047 --> 01:15:53,116 Ride? 1106 01:15:56,653 --> 01:15:59,088 Welcome to the Time Masheen. 1107 01:15:59,155 --> 01:16:03,760 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939... 1108 01:16:03,827 --> 01:16:06,229 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... 1109 01:16:06,295 --> 01:16:09,398 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world. 1110 01:16:09,465 --> 01:16:12,168 So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time? 1111 01:16:12,235 --> 01:16:15,739 Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh? 1112 01:16:15,805 --> 01:16:18,241 - Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah. 1113 01:16:18,307 --> 01:16:21,277 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. 1114 01:16:21,344 --> 01:16:26,315 - So why didn't you tell us? - 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry. 1115 01:16:26,382 --> 01:16:30,219 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money. 1116 01:16:30,286 --> 01:16:33,690 You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account. 1117 01:16:33,757 --> 01:16:36,826 Uh, uh, uh-- 1118 01:16:36,893 --> 01:16:39,763 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay. 1119 01:16:41,130 --> 01:16:43,199 Well, I guess we're stuck here. 1120 01:16:43,266 --> 01:16:48,471 But then an even greater force emerged-- the "UN." 1121 01:16:48,537 --> 01:16:52,541 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. 1122 01:16:52,608 --> 01:16:56,545 And so, after serving a short term as vice president, 1123 01:16:56,612 --> 01:16:59,816 Joe was elected the president of America. 1124 01:16:59,883 --> 01:17:02,118 Frito became vice president, 1125 01:17:02,185 --> 01:17:05,288 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady. 1126 01:17:05,354 --> 01:17:08,958 Today I step into the shoes of a great man, 1127 01:17:09,025 --> 01:17:13,329 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... 1128 01:17:13,396 --> 01:17:17,366 Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. 1129 01:17:17,433 --> 01:17:21,637 Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned. 1130 01:17:21,705 --> 01:17:25,574 You know, there was a time in this country... 1131 01:17:25,641 --> 01:17:29,913 when smart people were considered cool. 1132 01:17:29,979 --> 01:17:32,982 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... 1133 01:17:33,049 --> 01:17:37,153 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. 1134 01:17:37,220 --> 01:17:38,788 Yeah! 1135 01:17:40,924 --> 01:17:45,028 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, 1136 01:17:45,094 --> 01:17:47,563 when reading wasn't just for fags... 1137 01:17:47,630 --> 01:17:49,999 and neither was writing. 1138 01:17:50,066 --> 01:17:54,137 People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... 1139 01:17:54,203 --> 01:17:58,607 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. 1140 01:17:58,674 --> 01:18:02,178 And I believe that time can come again! 1141 01:18:14,023 --> 01:18:17,727 Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure! 1142 01:18:21,364 --> 01:18:23,532 Joe and Rita had three children, 1143 01:18:23,599 --> 01:18:26,302 the three smartest kids in the world. 1144 01:18:27,370 --> 01:18:29,906 Vice President Frito took eight wives... 1145 01:18:29,973 --> 01:18:32,441 and had a total of 32 kids-- 1146 01:18:32,508 --> 01:18:35,912 thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth. 1147 01:18:41,050 --> 01:18:44,353 Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, 1148 01:18:44,420 --> 01:18:46,823 but he got the ball rolling, 1149 01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:50,794 and that's pretty good for an average guy. 1150 01:23:50,659 --> 01:23:53,329 I'm gonna go find this ho.