1 00:00:14,542 --> 00:00:16,041 JOE EHRMANN: 2 00:00:14,542 --> 00:00:16,041 My earliest memory 3 00:00:16,041 --> 00:00:19,250 was my father bringing me down 4 00:00:16,041 --> 00:00:19,250 to my mother's basement, 5 00:00:19,250 --> 00:00:20,834 putting up his hands 6 00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:23,500 and teaching me how to throw 7 00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:23,500 jabs and punches. 8 00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:28,083 It was there that he gave me 9 00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:28,083 those three words: "Be a man." 10 00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:30,625 "Stop with the tears, 11 00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:30,625 stop with the emotions. 12 00:00:30,625 --> 00:00:31,875 If you're going to be a man 13 00:00:30,625 --> 00:00:31,875 in this world, 14 00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:33,500 you better learn 15 00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:33,500 how to dominate 16 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,834 and control people 17 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,834 and circumstances." 18 00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:39,000 That was a source 19 00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:39,000 of tremendous shame. 20 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,208 I left that room with tears 21 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,208 coming down my eyes, 22 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:45,875 just feeling that 23 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:45,875 I wasn't quite man enough. 24 00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:49,834 Football became 25 00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:49,834 a tremendous place to hide. 26 00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:51,667 You can hide 27 00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:51,667 inside that helmet, 28 00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:53,750 you can hide 29 00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:53,750 behind the roar of the crowd, 30 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,875 you get to project this facade, 31 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,875 this persona, 32 00:00:56,875 --> 00:01:00,083 the epitome of what it means 33 00:00:56,875 --> 00:01:00,083 to be a man in this culture. 34 00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:04,083 I thought if I could manifest 35 00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:04,083 this hyper-masculinity, 36 00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:07,000 somehow that would validate 37 00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:07,000 who and what I was. 38 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,709 Certainly my father 39 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,709 would respect that, 40 00:01:09,709 --> 00:01:12,667 see how powerful, 41 00:01:09,709 --> 00:01:12,667 how strong, how tough I was, 42 00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:16,583 then give me 43 00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:16,583 the love and attention 44 00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:16,583 that I desperately wanted. 45 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,125 I'd ask every man 46 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,125 to think about 47 00:01:20,125 --> 00:01:22,542 what age they were, 48 00:01:20,125 --> 00:01:22,542 what was the context 49 00:01:22,542 --> 00:01:25,709 when somebody 50 00:01:22,542 --> 00:01:25,709 told you to be a man. 51 00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,667 That's one of the most 52 00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,667 destructive phrases 53 00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:29,625 in this culture, I believe. 54 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:36,333 - Stop crying. 55 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:36,333 - Don't cry. 56 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:36,333 - Stop with the emotions. 57 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:36,333 - Pick yourself up. 58 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:39,166 - Don't be a chump. 59 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:39,166 - Don't be a pussy. 60 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:39,166 - Don't let nobody 61 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:39,166 disrespect you. 62 00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:42,083 - Be cool, 63 00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:42,083 and be kind of a dick. 64 00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:42,083 - Always keep your mouth shut. 65 00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:44,625 - Nobody likes a tattletale. 66 00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:44,625 - What a fag. 67 00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:44,625 - You little bitch. 68 00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:47,375 - Don't let your woman 69 00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:47,375 run your life. 70 00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:47,375 - Bros come before ho's. 71 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,041 - Get laid. 72 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,041 - Be a man. 73 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,041 - Be a man. 74 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,041 - Grow some balls. 75 00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:52,542 - Man up. 76 00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:52,542 - Man up. 77 00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:52,542 - Man up. 78 00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:52,542 - Man up!!! 79 00:01:52,542 --> 00:01:57,792 - Grow some fuckin' balls! 80 00:01:52,542 --> 00:01:57,792 - Act like a man. 81 00:01:52,542 --> 00:01:57,792 - Be a man. 82 00:01:52,542 --> 00:01:57,792 - Be a man! 83 00:01:57,792 --> 00:01:59,375 NEWSCASTER: Yet again, 84 00:01:57,792 --> 00:01:59,375 another teen 85 00:01:59,375 --> 00:02:01,959 has taken his own life 86 00:01:59,375 --> 00:02:01,959 after being bullied for years. 87 00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:03,500 The details of the gang rape 88 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,458 that took place 89 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,458 outside a high school 90 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,583 homecoming dance 91 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,583 are horrifying. 92 00:02:07,583 --> 00:02:09,166 Three teens 93 00:02:07,583 --> 00:02:09,166 confessed to shooting 94 00:02:09,166 --> 00:02:11,667 an Australian man for, quote, 95 00:02:09,166 --> 00:02:11,667 "the fun of it". 96 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:14,583 13 people were charged 97 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:14,583 in the beating death 98 00:02:14,583 --> 00:02:16,917 of a Florida AandM drum major, 99 00:02:16,917 --> 00:02:19,500 a result of a banned 100 00:02:16,917 --> 00:02:19,500 initiation ritual. 101 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,083 The student was found dead, 102 00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:23,917 alcohol five times 103 00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:23,917 the legal limit in his system. 104 00:02:23,917 --> 00:02:26,333 He killed his girlfriend 105 00:02:23,917 --> 00:02:26,333 and then shot himself. 106 00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:29,250 Over 20 little children dead, 107 00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:29,250 he also shot his mother. 108 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:32,458 The shooting was 109 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:32,458 apparently pre-meditated. 110 00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:35,041 One gunman, 111 00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:35,041 and he is among the dead. 112 00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:37,250 OFFICER: ( on radio ) 113 00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:37,250 3-15 and 3-14 for a shooting 114 00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:38,709 at Century Theaters. 115 00:02:38,709 --> 00:02:40,959 Somebody is shooting 116 00:02:38,709 --> 00:02:40,959 in the auditorium. 117 00:02:40,959 --> 00:02:42,083 ( siren wails ) 118 00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:55,083 If you really knew me, 119 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:58,625 you would know I feel 120 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:58,625 like an outsider at school. 121 00:02:59,709 --> 00:03:01,333 When I'm having a bad day 122 00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:04,959 sometimes it's hard to talk 123 00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:04,959 to somebody about it. 124 00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:07,917 If you really knew me, you 125 00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:07,917 would know that when I'm sad, 126 00:03:07,917 --> 00:03:11,250 I really don't say 127 00:03:07,917 --> 00:03:11,250 anything about it. 128 00:03:13,792 --> 00:03:15,834 I used to hide emotions. 129 00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:18,291 Like, when I'm sad 130 00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:18,291 I wouldn't tell anybody. 131 00:03:18,291 --> 00:03:20,208 And when I'm mad 132 00:03:18,291 --> 00:03:20,208 I wouldn't tell. 133 00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:24,792 For a long time 134 00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:24,792 I didn't have any friends, 135 00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:26,041 so I didn't have 136 00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:26,041 anyone to talk to. 137 00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:30,583 We don't really 138 00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:30,583 talk about feelings 139 00:03:30,583 --> 00:03:32,875 or nothing in our house. 140 00:03:34,709 --> 00:03:36,250 If you really knew me, 141 00:03:34,709 --> 00:03:36,250 you'd know 142 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,542 that sometimes 143 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,542 I feel like I can't be myself. 144 00:03:39,834 --> 00:03:41,834 If you really knew me, 145 00:03:39,834 --> 00:03:41,834 you would know 146 00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:44,041 that I don't really know my dad. 147 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,041 If you really knew me, 148 00:03:47,041 --> 00:03:49,125 you would know that my dad, 149 00:03:47,041 --> 00:03:49,125 he in jail, 150 00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,875 and I don't think I've ever 151 00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,875 seen him out of jail. 152 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,917 Around fifth grade, 153 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,917 my mother passed away. 154 00:03:55,917 --> 00:03:58,083 Most people don't know 155 00:03:55,917 --> 00:03:58,083 that about me. 156 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,125 If you really knew me, 157 00:04:01,125 --> 00:04:05,000 you would know that my mom 158 00:04:01,125 --> 00:04:05,000 and dad fought over me. 159 00:04:06,291 --> 00:04:08,166 My parents went 160 00:04:06,291 --> 00:04:08,166 through a little phase 161 00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,166 where they told us they were 162 00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,166 going to get a divorce. 163 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,750 I just needed someone 164 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,750 to talk to about it. 165 00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:18,625 My mom didn't have 166 00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:18,625 no good boyfriends. 167 00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:19,959 We were abused. 168 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,166 I felt like 169 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,166 just giving up on life. 170 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,458 I got bullied 171 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,458 in sixth grade. 172 00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:28,875 I felt like an outcast. 173 00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:32,083 I felt alone for-- 174 00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:32,083 for a long time. 175 00:04:53,291 --> 00:04:56,959 KIMMEL: If you walk onto 176 00:04:53,291 --> 00:04:56,959 any playground in America 177 00:04:56,959 --> 00:05:00,333 where there's a bunch of boys 178 00:04:56,959 --> 00:05:00,333 happily playing, 179 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:03,333 you can start a fight 180 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:03,333 by asking one question: 181 00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:05,041 "Who's a sissy around here?" 182 00:05:05,041 --> 00:05:06,792 And two boys will go, 183 00:05:05,041 --> 00:05:06,792 "I don't know. 184 00:05:06,792 --> 00:05:08,125 He is, he is, he is," 185 00:05:06,792 --> 00:05:08,125 and they can have a fight. 186 00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:09,959 Or all the boys will go, 187 00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:09,959 "He is, he is." 188 00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,709 And that boy will either 189 00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,709 have to fight them 190 00:05:11,709 --> 00:05:13,458 or run home crying. 191 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:16,583 That idea of being 192 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:16,583 seen as weak, 193 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,208 as a sissy 194 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,208 in the eyes of other guys, 195 00:05:19,208 --> 00:05:22,917 starts in our earliest 196 00:05:19,208 --> 00:05:22,917 moments of boyhood. 197 00:05:22,917 --> 00:05:26,542 And it follows us 198 00:05:22,917 --> 00:05:26,542 all the way through our lives. 199 00:05:26,542 --> 00:05:29,834 Proving to other guys 200 00:05:26,542 --> 00:05:29,834 that we're not girls, 201 00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,125 that we're not women, 202 00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,125 that we're not gay. 203 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,458 We've constructed 204 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,458 an idea of masculinity 205 00:05:34,458 --> 00:05:37,709 in the United States 206 00:05:34,458 --> 00:05:37,709 that doesn't give young boys 207 00:05:37,709 --> 00:05:40,208 a way to feel secure 208 00:05:37,709 --> 00:05:40,208 in their masculinity, 209 00:05:40,208 --> 00:05:42,208 so we make them 210 00:05:40,208 --> 00:05:42,208 go prove it all the time. 211 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:46,083 If I can man up, 212 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:46,083 why step down from that? 213 00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:47,750 You feel me? 214 00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:51,125 Masculinity is not organic, 215 00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:51,125 it's reactive. 216 00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:53,250 It's not something 217 00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:53,250 that just develops. 218 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,959 It's a rejection of everything 219 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,959 that is feminine. 220 00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:59,041 Sometimes my friends 221 00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:59,041 act like they're tough, 222 00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:01,083 when I feel like 223 00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:01,083 they're not. 224 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:03,333 From the beginning, 225 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:03,333 we're taught as boys 226 00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:04,667 to lock down our emotions. 227 00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:07,125 We can't talk about 228 00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:07,125 being afraid, 229 00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:09,041 we can't talk about 230 00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:09,041 being hurt. 231 00:06:09,041 --> 00:06:11,208 We could talk about 232 00:06:09,041 --> 00:06:11,208 being pissed off, 233 00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:12,834 we could talk about 234 00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:12,834 being angry. 235 00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:14,875 We can't talk about 236 00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:14,875 being sad. 237 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,417 If you never cry, 238 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,667 then you have all these feelings 239 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,667 stuffed up inside of you. 240 00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:20,333 And then you can't 241 00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:20,333 get them out. 242 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:23,333 We put them on that trajectory, 243 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:23,333 through our popular culture, 244 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:26,291 through our parenting styles, 245 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:26,291 through our educational styles 246 00:06:26,291 --> 00:06:28,208 and through assumptions 247 00:06:26,291 --> 00:06:28,208 about natural manhood 248 00:06:28,208 --> 00:06:30,333 and maleness 249 00:06:28,208 --> 00:06:30,333 that we pass along, 250 00:06:30,333 --> 00:06:32,500 that are incredibly 251 00:06:30,333 --> 00:06:32,500 insulting and damaging. 252 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,291 And then there's 253 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,291 a whole social system 254 00:06:34,291 --> 00:06:37,333 that polices them 255 00:06:34,291 --> 00:06:37,333 through this low level of threat 256 00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:39,834 from other men 257 00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:39,834 if they're not man enough. 258 00:06:44,750 --> 00:06:46,208 Today we're gonna get into 259 00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,709 how we learned 260 00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,709 masculinity as children, 261 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,333 where we learned it from, 262 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,333 who taught it to us. 263 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,875 I'm just going to ask 264 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,875 some of you guys to shout out 265 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,959 the ideas that you had 266 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,959 on it from your childhood. 267 00:06:55,959 --> 00:06:58,417 In my household, 268 00:06:55,959 --> 00:06:58,417 we don't cry. 269 00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:01,625 Showing emotion is like 270 00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:01,625 you're weak. 271 00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:03,458 If you're hurt, 272 00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:03,458 just hold it in. 273 00:07:03,458 --> 00:07:05,208 No tattletaling. 274 00:07:03,458 --> 00:07:05,208 Fight back. 275 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:09,000 You know, everything 276 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:09,000 was surrounded around money. 277 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,417 Money, money, money, 278 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,417 money, money. 279 00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:11,750 Be the best, 280 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:13,458 go for the triple 281 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:13,458 instead of the double. 282 00:07:13,458 --> 00:07:15,542 It was okay 283 00:07:13,458 --> 00:07:15,542 to be a womanizer. 284 00:07:15,542 --> 00:07:18,500 A man has to be dominant 285 00:07:15,542 --> 00:07:18,500 and in charge and has control. 286 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:21,875 You know, a man does 287 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:21,875 everything to the extreme. 288 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,333 Never back down 289 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,333 from anything. 290 00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:27,083 A man uses violence 291 00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:27,083 to solve problems. 292 00:07:33,417 --> 00:07:36,542 The first lie every boy 293 00:07:33,417 --> 00:07:36,542 learns in America is 294 00:07:36,542 --> 00:07:39,792 we associate masculinity 295 00:07:36,542 --> 00:07:39,792 with athletic ability. 296 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,750 Size, strength, 297 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,750 or some kind of skill-set. 298 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:46,500 I've always felt the pressure 299 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:46,500 of you need to be buff, 300 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,208 you need to be masculine, 301 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,208 you have to have a six pack. 302 00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,208 JOE: Those boys that can catch 303 00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,208 a down-and-out, 304 00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:54,083 or hit the hanging curve, 305 00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:54,083 they're elevated. 306 00:07:54,083 --> 00:07:55,750 JASON: I want to play football, 307 00:07:54,083 --> 00:07:55,750 basketball, 308 00:07:55,750 --> 00:07:57,208 one of the sports, 309 00:07:57,208 --> 00:08:00,083 have fun doing it, 310 00:07:57,208 --> 00:08:00,083 make some money. 311 00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,417 Like one of them 312 00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,417 TV-type lives. 313 00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:04,458 They're set up 314 00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:04,458 for a tremendous failure 315 00:08:04,458 --> 00:08:05,667 and frustration in life, 316 00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,083 because being a man 317 00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,083 doesn't have 318 00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:09,917 a single thing to do 319 00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:09,917 with athletic ability. 320 00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:13,125 You think about 321 00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:13,125 all the other boys 322 00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:13,125 on that playground, 323 00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:15,208 they don't just 324 00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:15,208 want to play sports. 325 00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:19,542 They want to do computers 326 00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:19,542 or music or drama or debate. 327 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:25,750 This past month, 328 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:25,750 I took part in my first 329 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:25,750 theater production. 330 00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:29,458 And now I'm looking back, 331 00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:29,458 I wish I had taken part in that 332 00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:29,458 throughout high school. 333 00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:33,000 I don't know, I guess I didn't 334 00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:33,000 because it was something taboo. 335 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,291 You just weren't 336 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,291 supposed to do it. 337 00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,291 Second lie every boy 338 00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,291 learns is that 339 00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:40,375 we associate masculinity 340 00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:40,375 with economic success. 341 00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:42,667 MAN: 342 00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:42,667 My name is Jordan Belfort. 343 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:46,125 The year I turned 26 344 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:46,125 I made 49 million dollars. 345 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,792 Which really pissed me off 346 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,792 because it was three shy 347 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,792 of a million a week. 348 00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,291 JOE: You know, 349 00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,291 it's been said that 350 00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,667 comparison is the thief 351 00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,667 of all happiness. 352 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,959 So if you're building 353 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,959 your sense of masculinity 354 00:08:56,959 --> 00:08:59,667 based on power or possessions, 355 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:02,875 there's always going to be 356 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:02,875 someone that has more. 357 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:07,166 That leads to an 358 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:07,166 incredibly empty life 359 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:07,166 of striving for things 360 00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:10,125 at the expense of 361 00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:10,125 what's really important in life. 362 00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:12,834 I've had 8-year-old kids 363 00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:12,834 sit on my couch, 364 00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,417 8-year-old boys, 365 00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,417 and I'll say, 366 00:09:14,417 --> 00:09:16,041 "So what do you want to be 367 00:09:14,417 --> 00:09:16,041 when you grow up?" 368 00:09:16,041 --> 00:09:20,166 And they'll say, 369 00:09:16,041 --> 00:09:20,166 "A venture capitalist." 370 00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,500 There are so many 371 00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,500 things wrong with that 372 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,417 that I hardly know 373 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,417 where to start. 374 00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:28,166 The extent to which he comes in 375 00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:28,166 and has already been programmed, 376 00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:32,291 he is going to have very 377 00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:32,291 limited options in his life, 378 00:09:32,291 --> 00:09:35,583 and they will never feel 379 00:09:32,291 --> 00:09:35,583 authentically like his own. 380 00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:39,125 Then the third criteria 381 00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:39,125 is that as a culture 382 00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:42,542 we associate sexual conquest 383 00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:42,542 with masculinity. 384 00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,583 Zeke the freak! 385 00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,583 This man is a legend 386 00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,583 with the ladies! 387 00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:47,041 I can only imagine. 388 00:09:47,041 --> 00:09:48,375 I found the top five 389 00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,458 hottest girlfriends 390 00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,458 of Derek Jeter. 391 00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:53,375 Men everywhere, 392 00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:53,375 we all salute you. 393 00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:57,500 Associating that with 394 00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:57,500 masculinity is so dehumanizing. 395 00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,041 You tapped that ass, 396 00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,041 didn't you? 397 00:10:00,542 --> 00:10:01,875 Tell the truth. 398 00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,375 You know you tapped 399 00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,375 that ass. 400 00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,875 You put her in the backseat. 401 00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,875 Bam! Code-X. 402 00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:07,500 Look, man, I got a wife. 403 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,875 You got a dick. 404 00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,583 You do have a dick, 405 00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,583 don't you? 406 00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:14,375 Those words are designed 407 00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:14,375 to keep boys silent, 408 00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,583 to keep them 409 00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,583 conforming to the construct. 410 00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:30,583 My grandfather is very much 411 00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:30,583 that alpha male type. 412 00:10:30,583 --> 00:10:33,959 He's a former military 413 00:10:30,583 --> 00:10:33,959 drill sergeant. 414 00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,583 Good ol' boy 415 00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,583 from the South. 416 00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,250 He was able to go out 417 00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,250 into the world 418 00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,625 and sort of pull himself up 419 00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,625 by his bootstraps 420 00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:42,625 and very much fulfill the 421 00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:42,625 American dream in that regard. 422 00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:45,583 Granted, he was a white male 423 00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:45,583 in a particular time, 424 00:10:45,583 --> 00:10:48,458 which gave him 425 00:10:45,583 --> 00:10:48,458 access to that success, 426 00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:52,000 even if he was poor 427 00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:52,000 to begin with. 428 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,750 I grew up with 429 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,750 my grandfather's voice, 430 00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:58,250 hearing "You need to be 431 00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:58,250 bigger, stronger, faster." 432 00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:00,625 So I was always 433 00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:00,625 having to prove myself. 434 00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:03,792 And never succeeding. 435 00:11:03,792 --> 00:11:06,291 It made me very insecure, 436 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,291 and not feeling like 437 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,291 I was good enough. 438 00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,083 When I was a kid 439 00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,083 I had long blonde hair, 440 00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:14,166 I had a very high voice. 441 00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:15,750 I wasn't a cool kid. 442 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,375 I was this awkward little kid. 443 00:11:18,375 --> 00:11:21,709 I sang in choir, 444 00:11:18,375 --> 00:11:21,709 I played clarinet in the band, 445 00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:24,625 but I also played baseball 446 00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:24,625 and football and basketball, 447 00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,500 and got to do 448 00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,500 all of those different things 449 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,959 and express myself 450 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,959 in all sorts of different ways. 451 00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,625 Things changed 452 00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,625 around middle school. 453 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:33,709 I started to get bullied 454 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:33,709 and made fun of 455 00:11:33,709 --> 00:11:37,000 and get called a fag 456 00:11:33,709 --> 00:11:37,000 or a pussy or a sissy or a wuss. 457 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,917 And that's when the social 458 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,917 pressures really kicked in. 459 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,875 I cut my long hair off, 460 00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:45,667 changed the way I dressed, 461 00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:45,667 I dropped my voice. 462 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,500 I don't even know 463 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,500 when my voice naturally broke, 464 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,417 I have no idea, 465 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,417 because I forced it low. 466 00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,959 I played more sports 467 00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,959 and joined all the teams. 468 00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:54,542 I dated the head cheerleader 469 00:11:54,542 --> 00:11:56,041 and distanced myself 470 00:11:54,542 --> 00:11:56,041 from people 471 00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,375 who were less masculine 472 00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:58,375 than me. 473 00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:01,834 I had a friend who 474 00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:01,834 didn't play sports. 475 00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:04,125 He was kind of effeminate. 476 00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:07,583 He was being picked on 477 00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:07,583 even more than I was. 478 00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:11,417 And instead of me 479 00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:11,417 sort of staying by his side 480 00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:16,041 and being his friend, 481 00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:16,041 I remember to some degree, 482 00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:18,500 making the decision 483 00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:18,500 to just push myself 484 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,750 not to be friends 485 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,750 with him anymore, 486 00:12:19,750 --> 00:12:22,250 to not go to his house, to-- 487 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,208 And I remember him asking me 488 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,208 why I did that. 489 00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:25,875 And I couldn't tell him. 490 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:28,166 I didn't know 491 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:28,166 what to tell him at the time. 492 00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:31,375 School was a training ground 493 00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:31,375 for me to learn 494 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:33,583 how to perform masculinity, 495 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,750 to perform to be 496 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,750 one of the guys. 497 00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:44,875 DR: ELIOT: Throughout most of 498 00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:44,875 history, 499 00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:46,917 there's been this belief that 500 00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,625 men and women are fundamentally 501 00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,625 different creatures, 502 00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:51,750 and it probably begins 503 00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:51,750 with the Bible. 504 00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:54,375 Sex is a biological term. 505 00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:56,500 It refers to which chromosomes 506 00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:56,500 you have. 507 00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,667 Two X is female, 508 00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,667 X and Y is male. 509 00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:02,667 Gender is a social construct. 510 00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:06,625 These are expressions 511 00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:06,625 of masculinity or femininity, 512 00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:09,125 and both of these are spectrums 513 00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:09,125 and they overlap. 514 00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:12,250 Boys and girls 515 00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:12,250 are far more human 516 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,750 and far more the same 517 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,750 than they are different. 518 00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:19,458 If you gave 50,000 519 00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:19,458 psychological tests to girls, 520 00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:22,000 it would fall out 521 00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:22,000 on a bell shaped curve. 522 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,917 If you gave the same 50,000 523 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,917 psychological tests to boys 524 00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:28,583 it would fall out 525 00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:28,583 on a boy bell shaped curve. 526 00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:32,000 If you superimpose them, 527 00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:32,000 they'd be 90% overlapping. 528 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,250 You've got the shoulders 529 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,250 that stick out on either side, 530 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,500 and those are very 531 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,500 often the traits 532 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,083 that feed 533 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,083 into our stereotypes. 534 00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:41,083 People make the assumption 535 00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,917 that because 536 00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,917 the brain is biological, 537 00:13:43,917 --> 00:13:46,458 that any sex difference 538 00:13:43,917 --> 00:13:46,458 in the brain 539 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:48,125 must be hard-wired. 540 00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:49,834 But the brain is plastic. 541 00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,000 The brain changes 542 00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:52,000 as a result of experience. 543 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,875 You go through a process called 544 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,875 proliferation and pruning 545 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,834 which is that 546 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,834 you make a whole bunch 547 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,834 of brain connections, 548 00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:00,125 and the ones that you use 549 00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:00,125 are strengthened, 550 00:14:00,125 --> 00:14:02,792 and the ones 551 00:14:00,125 --> 00:14:02,792 that you don't use die back. 552 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,417 Whether it's empathy 553 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,417 or aggression 554 00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:08,709 or spatial ability 555 00:14:05,417 --> 00:14:08,709 or verbal ability, 556 00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:10,917 things that a child 557 00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:10,917 spends their time on, 558 00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,792 that's what they're 559 00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,792 going to be good at. 560 00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:16,458 Parents from 561 00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:16,458 even before a child is born 562 00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:17,917 start thinking about 563 00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:17,917 the child differently. 564 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,959 They decorate 565 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,959 the room differently, 566 00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:21,291 they buy different clothes. 567 00:14:21,291 --> 00:14:22,917 So this notion that there is 568 00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,709 such a thing 569 00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,709 as gender neutral rearing 570 00:14:24,709 --> 00:14:26,542 or that parents 571 00:14:24,709 --> 00:14:26,542 are not responsible 572 00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:28,500 for gender differences 573 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,542 is a 574 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,542 psychological impossibility. 575 00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:33,875 HELDMAN: We are becoming 576 00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:33,875 much more bifurcated 577 00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:36,875 in terms of hyper-masculinity 578 00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:36,875 and hyper-femininity. 579 00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,041 Girls products 580 00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,041 have become much pinker 581 00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:41,417 and boys products have 582 00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:41,417 become much more camo 583 00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:43,208 and much more violent. 584 00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:45,000 And it's not just 585 00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:45,000 in the toys, 586 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,834 but it's also in television 587 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,834 programming and movies. 588 00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:51,709 This hyper-masculinization 589 00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:51,709 and hyper-feminization 590 00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:55,333 reflect a cultural tension 591 00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:55,333 and fear about the fact 592 00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,333 that gender 593 00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,333 is socially constructed. 594 00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:59,542 And we respond in ways 595 00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:59,542 to try to organize 596 00:14:59,542 --> 00:15:01,291 and simplify the world 597 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,875 that actually end up 598 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,875 simplifying it 599 00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:04,375 to such a great extent 600 00:15:04,375 --> 00:15:07,333 that it puts pressure 601 00:15:04,375 --> 00:15:07,333 on young men and young women 602 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:09,000 to fit into those boxes. 603 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,667 COACH: You got to go in there 604 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,667 and you got to be tough. 605 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,667 But you can't be sissying out. 606 00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:14,750 By the time 607 00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:14,750 a boy is 5 years old, 608 00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,542 he's pretty much taught 609 00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,542 that it's not okay 610 00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,542 to cry in public. 611 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,542 He may still do it, 612 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,542 but the expectation is 613 00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:23,458 by the time he's 10 614 00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:23,458 that he's perfected it. 615 00:15:23,458 --> 00:15:25,959 And if he's 12 616 00:15:23,458 --> 00:15:25,959 and he's still crying in public, 617 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,709 there's a problem. 618 00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:28,875 Oh, my dear God, 619 00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,542 are you one of those 620 00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,542 single tear people? 621 00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:33,500 You are a worthless 622 00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:33,500 pansy-ass 623 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,917 who is now weeping 624 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,917 and slobbering 625 00:15:34,917 --> 00:15:36,959 like a 9-year-old girl! 626 00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:39,875 POLLACK: Boys are not 627 00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:39,875 encouraged to talk about 628 00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,542 any kind of pain 629 00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,542 with anyone else. 630 00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,375 And when they 631 00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,375 do talk about pain, 632 00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,875 fathers particularly, 633 00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,875 but mothers also, 634 00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:49,750 tend to focus more on 635 00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:49,750 how to solve that 636 00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,625 or what they're going to do, 637 00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,625 or their actions. 638 00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:55,125 Hit me, hit me, 639 00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:55,125 come on, come on. 640 00:15:55,125 --> 00:15:56,333 Come on, son. 641 00:15:55,125 --> 00:15:56,333 Come on. 642 00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:57,834 Son, left. 643 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,709 CHU: They're learning 644 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,709 how is it possible 645 00:16:01,709 --> 00:16:04,583 for them as boys 646 00:16:01,709 --> 00:16:04,583 to be in the world 647 00:16:04,583 --> 00:16:06,000 and to engage 648 00:16:04,583 --> 00:16:06,000 in their relationships 649 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,542 and to behave in ways 650 00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:09,125 that will be considered 651 00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:09,125 socially acceptable. 652 00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:12,917 And in learning 653 00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:12,917 to accommodate to those ideals, 654 00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:16,500 they're learning to conceal 655 00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:16,500 or just downplay qualities 656 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,166 that are traditionally 657 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,166 associated with girls and women. 658 00:16:19,166 --> 00:16:22,333 Mothers are told that if they 659 00:16:19,166 --> 00:16:22,333 hold a boy too closely, 660 00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,458 they're hurting his development. 661 00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:26,709 You're making him 662 00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:26,709 a mama's boy. 663 00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,542 Do you want to be 664 00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,542 a flying monkey 665 00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,542 mama's boy snitch? 666 00:16:29,542 --> 00:16:32,000 Or do you want to be a man? 667 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,792 POLLACK: 668 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,792 Now, being a mama's girl, 669 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,250 or Daddy's little girl, 670 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,250 that's wonderful. 671 00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:37,542 But a mama's boy? 672 00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:39,625 It means 673 00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:39,625 somehow he's soft. 674 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,375 Have a great day, 675 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,375 sweetie pie! 676 00:16:44,417 --> 00:16:45,667 We're concerned 677 00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,959 that our child 678 00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,959 is going to be ridiculed. 679 00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:51,458 We're concerned that our son 680 00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:51,458 will be the target of violence. 681 00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:53,834 And so, we give him 682 00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:53,834 what we think 683 00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,709 he needs in order 684 00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:55,709 to avoid that. 685 00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:57,750 Mario, football players 686 00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:57,750 don't cry. 687 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,500 What? 688 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,500 Football players don't cry. 689 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,834 The reason men are less 690 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,834 likely to show empathy, 691 00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:05,792 less likely to show 692 00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:05,792 vulnerability, 693 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,625 less likely to bring up children 694 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,625 in that kind of way, 695 00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:11,000 is that they've been 696 00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:11,000 socialized into this. 697 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,333 I was really very moved 698 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,333 by the fathers 699 00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:17,208 who brought their little 700 00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:20,750 4-year-olds and 5-year-olds 701 00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:20,750 to school in the morning, 702 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,750 and how tender 703 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,750 these men were with their sons. 704 00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,667 How patient and loving 705 00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,250 they were 706 00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,250 with these little boys. 707 00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:30,083 So I asked them, 708 00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:30,083 "What do you see in your sons 709 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:33,959 that leads you to say, 710 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:33,959 'I hope he never loses that?'" 711 00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:36,709 And the fathers 712 00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:36,709 spoke about their sons' 713 00:17:36,709 --> 00:17:38,500 "out there" quality. 714 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,917 They were 715 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,917 so emotionally open, 716 00:17:40,917 --> 00:17:44,959 and their real joy 717 00:17:40,917 --> 00:17:44,959 in their friends. 718 00:17:44,959 --> 00:17:48,375 And the men felt that 719 00:17:44,959 --> 00:17:48,375 on the road to manhood, 720 00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,792 they themselves 721 00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,792 had lost touch 722 00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,667 with these qualities 723 00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,667 in themselves. 724 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,750 And the quandary 725 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,750 for them was, 726 00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:58,583 would they have to silence 727 00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:58,583 the very qualities 728 00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:00,542 that they most valued 729 00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:00,542 in their sons? 730 00:18:00,542 --> 00:18:04,000 It was the most 731 00:18:00,542 --> 00:18:04,000 exquisite sense of dilemma. 732 00:18:10,041 --> 00:18:11,375 Nice. 733 00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:13,000 STEVEN: My father, 734 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,291 we didn't really 735 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,291 have a great relationship. 736 00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:18,208 His night job was drinking, 737 00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:18,208 he was an alcoholic. 738 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,792 I was afraid of him. 739 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,792 He was a mean man. 740 00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:24,750 He was emotionless, 741 00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:24,750 he didn't care about much. 742 00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,000 In his eyes, going to school 743 00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,000 wasn't the power behind 744 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,875 what we should 745 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,875 have been doing. 746 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,834 It was get a good job, 747 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,834 get a lot of women, 748 00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,709 and then you're a man. 749 00:18:34,583 --> 00:18:36,208 My mother was more 750 00:18:34,583 --> 00:18:36,208 of my striving force. 751 00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:38,917 She taught me that 752 00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:38,917 education was important. 753 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,250 So every year 754 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,250 on Mother's Day, of course, 755 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,667 I would send her 756 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,667 a Mother's Day card, 757 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,125 but also I would send her 758 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,125 a card on Father's Day. 759 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,250 And I would just thank her 760 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,083 for playing both roles 761 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,083 in my life. 762 00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:51,000 The moment I found out 763 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,083 I was going to be a father 764 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,083 was very scary for me. 765 00:18:54,083 --> 00:18:55,792 I was an undergrad, 766 00:18:55,792 --> 00:18:58,333 and my son's mother 767 00:18:55,792 --> 00:18:58,333 told me she was pregnant. 768 00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:01,166 And we were no 769 00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:01,166 longer together. 770 00:19:01,166 --> 00:19:02,625 And I told her 771 00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,250 if she wanted 772 00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,250 I would raise him. 773 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:06,333 I would take care of him. 774 00:19:06,333 --> 00:19:07,959 My father didn't raise me, 775 00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:11,291 and this is very important 776 00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:11,291 for me to raise my son. 777 00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,166 It's been very hard 778 00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,166 to play both roles 779 00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:16,083 as a mother and father 780 00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:16,083 for Jacksen 781 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,083 because I was taught that 782 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,083 men are tough, they're strong. 783 00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:21,417 I spent 784 00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:21,417 a lot of nights crying. 785 00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:24,917 Because he did have feelings 786 00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:24,917 and I had to, 787 00:19:24,917 --> 00:19:27,792 you know, 788 00:19:24,917 --> 00:19:27,792 take care of that. 789 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,500 And then one day, 790 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,500 it clicked, 791 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,625 and it clicked because 792 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,625 Jacksen said to me, 793 00:19:31,625 --> 00:19:33,583 "Daddy, I'm sensitive." 794 00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:37,875 And I was like, "Okay...okay." 795 00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:39,458 So then I just started like, 796 00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:42,500 I started reading a lot, 797 00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:42,500 you know, doing Google searches 798 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:46,208 on how to be sensitive 799 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:46,208 and stuff like that. 800 00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,125 I started just 801 00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,125 asking him how he felt, 802 00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:50,500 like how do you feel, 803 00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:50,500 why are you sad, are you okay? 804 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,458 He taught me 805 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,458 how to be more in touch 806 00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,208 with my own emotions 807 00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,208 and his as well. 808 00:19:54,208 --> 00:19:56,458 He would cry sometimes, 809 00:19:54,208 --> 00:19:56,458 I would cry with him. 810 00:19:56,458 --> 00:19:58,125 And I would tell him, 811 00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,959 "Daddy wasn't allowed 812 00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,959 to cry growing up, 813 00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,000 but it's okay, 814 00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,000 if you need to cry, cry." 815 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,542 It took some time 816 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,542 for me to get there. 817 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,542 Porter: Men are doing better. 818 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,041 Men are much more 819 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,041 loving with their sons 820 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:15,500 and speak about love, 821 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:15,500 and hugs and kisses, you know. 822 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,250 Men are much more 823 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,250 purposeful in, 824 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,041 you know, the experience 825 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,041 of nurturing their children 826 00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:23,500 and sharing 827 00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:23,500 in those responsibilities. 828 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,375 So we are getting better. 829 00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,667 The fact that we're having 830 00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,667 this conversation 831 00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,417 speaks to progress. 832 00:20:29,417 --> 00:20:31,250 But it doesn't take away 833 00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:33,875 that there is a lot of work 834 00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:33,875 still to do. 835 00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,542 CODY: Growing up 836 00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,542 in the household 837 00:20:45,709 --> 00:20:49,542 that I grew up in, 838 00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:52,834 there was a lot of 839 00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:52,834 physical abuse. 840 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:56,125 My father 841 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:56,125 used to beat my mother 842 00:20:56,125 --> 00:20:58,917 pretty horrifically, 843 00:20:56,125 --> 00:20:58,917 from my recollection. 844 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,333 My father sold drugs, 845 00:21:01,333 --> 00:21:03,333 and that's how 846 00:21:01,333 --> 00:21:03,333 he made his living. 847 00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:06,875 He was in and out of prison 848 00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:06,875 my entire childhood. 849 00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,500 In fact, I think 850 00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,500 he was gone 851 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,500 the first 2 years 852 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,500 that I was born, 853 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,125 so I didn't even 854 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,125 really get to 855 00:21:12,125 --> 00:21:15,875 establish that connection 856 00:21:12,125 --> 00:21:15,875 that most young boys 857 00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:19,208 get to establish 858 00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:19,208 with their father. 859 00:21:19,208 --> 00:21:22,166 In middle school 860 00:21:19,208 --> 00:21:22,166 it was extremely 861 00:21:19,208 --> 00:21:22,166 difficult to deal with 862 00:21:22,166 --> 00:21:23,792 because I didn't-- 863 00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,250 I didn't know 864 00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,250 what it meant to be a man. 865 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:28,792 Like, I did not have 866 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:28,792 a father figure in my life, 867 00:21:28,792 --> 00:21:30,625 I just had strong women. 868 00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:34,125 I was bullied 869 00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:34,125 a lot growing up 870 00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:36,542 because I'm not the most 871 00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:36,542 masculine of men, 872 00:21:36,542 --> 00:21:38,166 I never have been. 873 00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:41,375 Why am I ostracized 874 00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:41,375 and treated different 875 00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:43,792 because I don't want to fight, 876 00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:47,583 because I don't see the point 877 00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:47,583 in having rampant 878 00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:50,417 unprotected sex 879 00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:50,417 with uncountable women, 880 00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:55,333 and then sitting here 881 00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:55,333 and boasting about it over 882 00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:55,333 booze and smoking a joint? 883 00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:59,583 And yet that's what 884 00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:59,583 society deems as masculine. 885 00:21:59,583 --> 00:22:01,291 I don't value that. 886 00:22:01,291 --> 00:22:03,083 And I think it's because 887 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:05,250 I still am so close to my mom 888 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:05,250 and to my grandmother. 889 00:22:05,250 --> 00:22:09,125 And they're both extremely 890 00:22:05,250 --> 00:22:09,125 strong and respectable, 891 00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:11,500 not only women, 892 00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:11,500 they're respectable people. 893 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:15,208 And so, that to me is 894 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:15,208 what I wanted to emulate. 895 00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:25,250 One of the things 896 00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:25,250 that came up in my study 897 00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:25,250 has to do with the "mean team," 898 00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,792 which was a team 899 00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,792 created by the boys, 900 00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,792 for the boys, 901 00:22:28,792 --> 00:22:32,125 for the purpose of acting 902 00:22:28,792 --> 00:22:32,125 against the girls. 903 00:22:32,125 --> 00:22:34,125 This was a 904 00:22:32,125 --> 00:22:34,125 pre-kindergarten class. 905 00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,125 In the beginning there was 906 00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,125 a little bit of intermixing, 907 00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:38,417 but then by December 908 00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:38,417 of that first year, 909 00:22:38,417 --> 00:22:40,458 the boys versus girls 910 00:22:38,417 --> 00:22:40,458 dynamic had become clear. 911 00:22:40,458 --> 00:22:42,041 And even the hierarchy 912 00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:43,834 among the boys 913 00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:43,834 had become clear. 914 00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:45,500 It had these rules 915 00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:45,500 and these ways of being 916 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:48,375 and these ways of engaging 917 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:48,375 each other and behaving. 918 00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:51,208 One of the rules was that they 919 00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:51,208 couldn't play with the girls. 920 00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,166 And if you broke 921 00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,166 those rules, 922 00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:54,917 you could be fired 923 00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:54,917 and technically, 924 00:22:54,917 --> 00:22:56,834 not be a boy anymore. 925 00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,500 One of the boys told me, 926 00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,667 "I'm actually friends 927 00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,667 with all the girls. 928 00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,917 "I actually like the girls. 929 00:23:02,917 --> 00:23:05,583 But if Mike--" 930 00:23:02,917 --> 00:23:05,583 the leader of the mean team-- 931 00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,000 "finds out, then he'll fire me 932 00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,000 from his club, 933 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,041 and then 934 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,041 I won't have a club." 935 00:23:10,041 --> 00:23:11,875 They totally understand, 936 00:23:10,041 --> 00:23:11,875 like kind of, 937 00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,917 these are the rules and then 938 00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,917 these are the consequences 939 00:23:13,917 --> 00:23:16,208 for their status 940 00:23:13,917 --> 00:23:16,208 among the boys. 941 00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,458 GABY: When I was choosing 942 00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,458 schools for Roman 943 00:23:21,458 --> 00:23:23,166 to go to kindergarten, 944 00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:27,041 I specifically chose one 945 00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:27,041 that was Christian based. 946 00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:30,166 It seemed that 947 00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:30,166 there was an emphasis on 948 00:23:30,166 --> 00:23:32,709 family values 949 00:23:30,166 --> 00:23:32,709 and kindness. 950 00:23:32,709 --> 00:23:35,125 But by the end of kindergarten, 951 00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:40,000 I started to see a change 952 00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:40,000 in my son's behavior 953 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,709 and the kids around him. 954 00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:43,875 And I would describe 955 00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:43,875 it as, like, 956 00:23:43,875 --> 00:23:47,375 just a hard edge 957 00:23:43,875 --> 00:23:47,375 that got progressively worse. 958 00:23:47,375 --> 00:23:49,375 In first grade, 959 00:23:47,375 --> 00:23:49,375 there were days 960 00:23:49,375 --> 00:23:52,041 where he would come home 961 00:23:49,375 --> 00:23:52,041 and just burst into tears. 962 00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:53,458 And I would say, 963 00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:53,458 "What is going on?" 964 00:23:53,458 --> 00:23:55,959 And he said, 965 00:23:53,458 --> 00:23:55,959 "Well, you know, so and so 966 00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,458 pushed me out of line 967 00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,458 for the fourth time this week, 968 00:23:58,458 --> 00:24:00,375 and the teacher really 969 00:23:58,458 --> 00:24:00,375 didn't do anything about it," 970 00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:03,417 or, you know, "They were 971 00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:03,417 making fun of me at recess," 972 00:24:03,417 --> 00:24:06,375 or, you know, 973 00:24:03,417 --> 00:24:06,375 "I went to soccer practice 974 00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:09,083 and they said I was 975 00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:09,083 the worst person on the team." 976 00:24:09,083 --> 00:24:10,667 So it started 977 00:24:09,083 --> 00:24:10,667 with things like that, 978 00:24:10,667 --> 00:24:12,125 and by second grade, 979 00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:13,834 there was one day 980 00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:13,834 where he came home saying 981 00:24:13,834 --> 00:24:17,250 that he was strangled 982 00:24:13,834 --> 00:24:17,250 in the hallway. 983 00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:18,959 By the middle 984 00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:18,959 of the school year, 985 00:24:18,959 --> 00:24:20,750 I would pick him up 986 00:24:18,959 --> 00:24:20,750 from school 987 00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:22,750 and I could see in his face 988 00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:25,709 that he was doing 989 00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:25,709 everything he could 990 00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:25,709 to hold back the tears, 991 00:24:25,709 --> 00:24:29,250 because he didn't want 992 00:24:25,709 --> 00:24:29,250 to be made fun of 993 00:24:25,709 --> 00:24:29,250 even more by the boys. 994 00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:32,917 And the second 995 00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:32,917 we drove half a block away, 996 00:24:32,917 --> 00:24:36,125 just the floodgates opened, 997 00:24:32,917 --> 00:24:36,125 and he was so sad. 998 00:24:37,041 --> 00:24:39,125 ROMAN: I just felt alone. 999 00:24:39,917 --> 00:24:42,417 I wasn't doing 1000 00:24:39,917 --> 00:24:42,417 what everyone else was doing. 1001 00:24:42,417 --> 00:24:43,834 I was different. 1002 00:24:58,291 --> 00:25:00,125 KUPERS: 1003 00:24:58,291 --> 00:25:00,125 There's a dominance hierarchy. 1004 00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:02,291 There are tough guys 1005 00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:02,291 who are on the top 1006 00:25:02,291 --> 00:25:04,417 and there are weaklings, girls, 1007 00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:06,375 who are the bottom 1008 00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:06,375 of the heap. 1009 00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:10,291 Now this is the origin 1010 00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:10,291 of sexism and homophobia. 1011 00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:14,125 In sexism, it's that a girl 1012 00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:14,125 isn't as strong as a boy. 1013 00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:16,125 With homosexuality, 1014 00:25:16,125 --> 00:25:19,959 the gay man 1015 00:25:16,125 --> 00:25:19,959 becomes the most stigmatized 1016 00:25:19,959 --> 00:25:23,166 version of weakness 1017 00:25:19,959 --> 00:25:23,166 and sissiness. 1018 00:25:23,166 --> 00:25:26,125 What happens in your 1019 00:25:23,166 --> 00:25:26,125 relations with other kids 1020 00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:29,500 is that you pick out someone 1021 00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:29,500 who appears weak in that way. 1022 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:31,500 You maybe bully him, 1023 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,458 but maybe it's just a more 1024 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,458 subtle kind of demeaning. 1025 00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:37,083 And you start hating 1026 00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:37,083 that thing about him 1027 00:25:37,083 --> 00:25:39,917 that you're 1028 00:25:37,083 --> 00:25:39,917 afraid of in yourself. 1029 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,000 MOLY: I was born 1030 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,000 in Salt Lake City. 1031 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,709 After first grade, 1032 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,709 we moved to Massachusetts. 1033 00:25:50,542 --> 00:25:53,959 I dealt with a lot of bullying. 1034 00:25:53,959 --> 00:25:56,208 I dealt with 1035 00:25:53,959 --> 00:25:56,208 a lot of taunting. 1036 00:25:57,166 --> 00:26:01,667 I got picked on because 1037 00:25:57,166 --> 00:26:01,667 I was the smallest kid, 1038 00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:02,834 the skinniest kid, 1039 00:26:02,834 --> 00:26:05,500 the most non-white kid, 1040 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:08,625 and lastly, the kid probably 1041 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:08,625 most suspected to be gay, 1042 00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,917 which, you know, is true. 1043 00:26:10,917 --> 00:26:12,458 Ended up being true. 1044 00:26:12,458 --> 00:26:15,375 But, yeah, I remember 1045 00:26:12,458 --> 00:26:15,375 these kind of big kids 1046 00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:19,375 coming over and yelling out, 1047 00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:19,375 "Hey, faggot!" 1048 00:26:19,375 --> 00:26:21,625 or, "Why don't you 1049 00:26:19,375 --> 00:26:21,625 go back to China?" 1050 00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:24,875 I would always fight back. 1051 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,500 I'd get my 1052 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,500 stomach punched in. 1053 00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:29,417 I just remember 1054 00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:29,417 coming home from school 1055 00:26:29,417 --> 00:26:32,166 with like bloody hands just from 1056 00:26:29,417 --> 00:26:32,166 being pushed onto the concrete, 1057 00:26:32,166 --> 00:26:35,542 and my hands kind of grazing 1058 00:26:32,166 --> 00:26:35,542 against the concrete. 1059 00:26:35,542 --> 00:26:36,917 It was terrorizing for me. 1060 00:26:36,917 --> 00:26:38,625 I would always 1061 00:26:36,917 --> 00:26:38,625 end up crying. 1062 00:26:39,792 --> 00:26:41,542 I felt a lot of shame from 1063 00:26:41,542 --> 00:26:43,959 not being 1064 00:26:41,542 --> 00:26:43,959 able to defend myself. 1065 00:26:43,959 --> 00:26:46,125 My dad would start 1066 00:26:43,959 --> 00:26:46,125 giving me advice 1067 00:26:46,125 --> 00:26:48,583 about how to fight back. 1068 00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:53,041 I mean I love my mom, 1069 00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:53,041 you know, and I love my dad. 1070 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,125 But I just got 1071 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,125 the same thing from them. 1072 00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,959 Everybody's telling me 1073 00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,959 to just deal with it. 1074 00:27:04,959 --> 00:27:08,959 After a fight, 1075 00:27:04,959 --> 00:27:08,959 I learned to just wash 1076 00:27:04,959 --> 00:27:08,959 my own hands of the blood, 1077 00:27:08,959 --> 00:27:12,834 I learned to just 1078 00:27:08,959 --> 00:27:12,834 not talk about it. 1079 00:27:12,834 --> 00:27:15,750 I felt so down 1080 00:27:12,834 --> 00:27:15,750 and depressed 1081 00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,500 to the point of contemplating 1082 00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,500 suicide many times. 1083 00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,125 I just didn't feel like 1084 00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,125 living anymore. 1085 00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:27,667 I never really knew 1086 00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:27,667 why I had such a difficult time 1087 00:27:27,667 --> 00:27:29,959 talking about how I felt 1088 00:27:29,959 --> 00:27:31,667 until I looked back 1089 00:27:29,959 --> 00:27:31,667 at my history 1090 00:27:31,667 --> 00:27:34,291 and then I was like, well, 1091 00:27:31,667 --> 00:27:34,291 obviously, that's why, you know, 1092 00:27:34,291 --> 00:27:37,875 because I was discouraged 1093 00:27:34,291 --> 00:27:37,875 with physical force 1094 00:27:37,875 --> 00:27:41,208 from ever expressing emotions. 1095 00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:49,709 WAY: Boys directly 1096 00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:49,709 make the link between 1097 00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,458 having friendships 1098 00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,458 and mental health. 1099 00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:54,041 So they tell me, 1100 00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:54,041 "If I didn't have 1101 00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:54,041 someone to talk to 1102 00:27:54,041 --> 00:27:56,000 "about my secrets 1103 00:27:54,041 --> 00:27:56,000 and about my personal life, 1104 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,709 I would go crazy, 1105 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,709 I would go whacko." 1106 00:27:57,709 --> 00:28:00,750 Sometimes when I'm sad 1107 00:27:57,709 --> 00:28:00,750 I can tell my friends this, 1108 00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:03,333 and they could try 1109 00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:03,333 to help me out and stuff. 1110 00:28:03,333 --> 00:28:06,041 WAY: At 11, 12, 13, 14, 1111 00:28:06,041 --> 00:28:07,750 boys tell these 1112 00:28:06,041 --> 00:28:07,750 very passionate stories 1113 00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:11,375 about other boys and wanting 1114 00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:11,375 to be friends with them 1115 00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:12,959 and wanting to share secrets. 1116 00:28:12,959 --> 00:28:15,041 CHU: This one boy described how 1117 00:28:12,959 --> 00:28:15,041 he was having difficulties 1118 00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:16,792 with his parents 1119 00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:16,792 understanding him, 1120 00:28:16,792 --> 00:28:18,166 and the person 1121 00:28:16,792 --> 00:28:18,166 who saved him 1122 00:28:18,166 --> 00:28:20,500 on a daily basis 1123 00:28:18,166 --> 00:28:20,500 was his best friend, 1124 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:23,417 who he felt really 1125 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:23,417 loved him unconditionally. 1126 00:28:23,417 --> 00:28:26,166 WAY: Starting when 1127 00:28:23,417 --> 00:28:26,166 they're about 15, 16, 17, 1128 00:28:26,166 --> 00:28:28,083 the language shifts. 1129 00:28:28,083 --> 00:28:29,500 You hear boys 1130 00:28:28,083 --> 00:28:29,500 actually talking about 1131 00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:31,375 their struggles 1132 00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:31,375 in their friendships, 1133 00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:34,208 being hurt by other boys, 1134 00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:34,208 feeling betrayed by other boys, 1135 00:28:34,208 --> 00:28:36,709 wanting to have 1136 00:28:34,208 --> 00:28:36,709 intimate friendships, 1137 00:28:36,709 --> 00:28:39,458 not knowing how to find 1138 00:28:36,709 --> 00:28:39,458 those friendships. 1139 00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:42,083 From middle school I had 1140 00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:42,083 four really close friends 1141 00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:43,542 and we did 1142 00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:43,542 everything together. 1143 00:28:43,542 --> 00:28:45,333 But once I went 1144 00:28:43,542 --> 00:28:45,333 into high school, 1145 00:28:45,333 --> 00:28:47,625 I struggle finding people 1146 00:28:45,333 --> 00:28:47,625 I can talk to about things 1147 00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:50,375 because I feel like 1148 00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:50,375 I have to deal with it myself. 1149 00:28:51,792 --> 00:28:54,000 I'm not supposed to get help. 1150 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,792 They really buy into a culture 1151 00:28:55,792 --> 00:28:58,041 that doesn't value 1152 00:28:55,792 --> 00:28:58,041 what we've feminized. 1153 00:28:58,041 --> 00:29:00,542 So we've made 1154 00:28:58,041 --> 00:29:00,542 feminine relationships, 1155 00:29:00,542 --> 00:29:03,083 emotions, all these 1156 00:29:00,542 --> 00:29:03,083 critical things, empathy, 1157 00:29:03,083 --> 00:29:04,834 and so boys begin to devalue 1158 00:29:04,834 --> 00:29:06,458 their relational parts 1159 00:29:04,834 --> 00:29:06,458 to themselves, 1160 00:29:06,458 --> 00:29:09,750 their relational needs, 1161 00:29:06,458 --> 00:29:09,750 their relational desires. 1162 00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:14,083 WILL: In good times, 1163 00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:14,083 guys are like really 1164 00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:14,083 close to each other 1165 00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,750 and they're really 1166 00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,750 good friends with each other, 1167 00:29:14,083 --> 00:29:16,750 and they interact a lot. 1168 00:29:16,750 --> 00:29:18,375 But when things 1169 00:29:16,750 --> 00:29:18,375 get a little bit worse, 1170 00:29:18,375 --> 00:29:21,667 it's more like 1171 00:29:18,375 --> 00:29:21,667 you're on your own. 1172 00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:23,667 One of the adolescent boys 1173 00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:23,667 described it as, 1174 00:29:23,667 --> 00:29:26,375 if you spill your guts 1175 00:29:23,667 --> 00:29:26,375 the way that girls do, 1176 00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:28,375 if you tell somebody 1177 00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:28,375 how you really feel, 1178 00:29:28,375 --> 00:29:31,208 then they can use that 1179 00:29:28,375 --> 00:29:31,208 against you at any time. 1180 00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,542 WAY: 1181 00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,542 So the loss of the intimacy 1182 00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:34,542 in their friendships, 1183 00:29:34,542 --> 00:29:36,959 feeling, oftentimes, 1184 00:29:34,542 --> 00:29:36,959 for many of our boys, 1185 00:29:36,959 --> 00:29:39,375 very lonely, very isolated, 1186 00:29:39,375 --> 00:29:42,041 they really enter 1187 00:29:39,375 --> 00:29:42,041 into a culture of masculinity 1188 00:29:42,041 --> 00:29:43,792 that makes these 1189 00:29:42,041 --> 00:29:43,792 bizarre equations 1190 00:29:43,792 --> 00:29:46,959 that male intimacy 1191 00:29:43,792 --> 00:29:46,959 has to be about sexuality. 1192 00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:48,375 They'll start saying 1193 00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:48,375 things like, 1194 00:29:48,375 --> 00:29:49,875 "I feel close to him, 1195 00:29:48,375 --> 00:29:49,875 no homo. 1196 00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:51,583 He's cool, no homo." 1197 00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:53,917 So this constant allusion 1198 00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:53,917 that any sign of intimacy 1199 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,792 is going to be perceived 1200 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,792 as potentially gay. 1201 00:29:56,792 --> 00:29:58,709 They understand that 1202 00:29:56,792 --> 00:29:58,709 if you're straight, 1203 00:29:58,709 --> 00:30:01,125 you have no desire 1204 00:29:58,709 --> 00:30:01,125 for male intimacy. 1205 00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:03,917 We don't do that with women, 1206 00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:03,917 we do that with men. 1207 00:30:04,667 --> 00:30:05,875 Each of them is posturing 1208 00:30:05,875 --> 00:30:07,667 based on how the other boys 1209 00:30:05,875 --> 00:30:07,667 are posturing. 1210 00:30:07,667 --> 00:30:09,291 And what they 1211 00:30:07,667 --> 00:30:09,291 end up missing is 1212 00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,709 what they each really want, 1213 00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,709 which is just that closeness. 1214 00:30:17,417 --> 00:30:20,667 Drinking and drug taking 1215 00:30:17,417 --> 00:30:20,667 are very often a way 1216 00:30:20,667 --> 00:30:23,417 that boys relax 1217 00:30:20,667 --> 00:30:23,417 those tight rules 1218 00:30:23,417 --> 00:30:27,333 which say they always 1219 00:30:23,417 --> 00:30:27,333 have to be silent and strong. 1220 00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,917 And when you get drunk 1221 00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,917 you can hug your friends, 1222 00:30:29,917 --> 00:30:32,625 and you can tell them 1223 00:30:29,917 --> 00:30:32,625 how much you love them. 1224 00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:37,417 You can have sex with a girl 1225 00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:37,417 and not feel afraid 1226 00:30:37,417 --> 00:30:40,333 in a way that all people feel 1227 00:30:37,417 --> 00:30:40,333 when they start having sex, 1228 00:30:40,333 --> 00:30:43,333 because it's intimate 1229 00:30:40,333 --> 00:30:43,333 and it's unfamiliar 1230 00:30:43,333 --> 00:30:47,333 and it's incredibly exposing. 1231 00:30:55,959 --> 00:30:59,834 It's not just acceptable 1232 00:30:55,959 --> 00:30:59,834 that teens are drinking, 1233 00:30:59,834 --> 00:31:01,333 doing drugs, 1234 00:30:59,834 --> 00:31:01,333 and having sex, 1235 00:31:01,333 --> 00:31:03,333 it's expected 1236 00:31:01,333 --> 00:31:03,333 and sometimes 1237 00:31:03,333 --> 00:31:05,166 looked down on 1238 00:31:03,333 --> 00:31:05,166 if you're not doing that. 1239 00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,000 You feel out of place 1240 00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,000 if you're the only 1241 00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:08,000 sober one there. 1242 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,875 To the break of dawn, y'all! 1243 00:31:09,875 --> 00:31:13,250 ♪ Welcome to the party ♪ 1244 00:31:13,250 --> 00:31:15,667 ( song continues ) 1245 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,125 ♪ Welcome to the party ♪ 1246 00:31:20,125 --> 00:31:22,375 ♪ We're just getting started ♪ 1247 00:31:22,375 --> 00:31:24,834 ♪ Gonna play it loud, 1248 00:31:22,375 --> 00:31:24,834 let it all hang out ♪ 1249 00:31:24,834 --> 00:31:28,375 ♪ If you're in, 1250 00:31:24,834 --> 00:31:28,375 let me hear you shout ♪ 1251 00:31:29,375 --> 00:31:31,875 ♪ Yeah, let me hear you shout ♪ 1252 00:31:34,291 --> 00:31:36,625 ♪ Let me hear you shout ♪ 1253 00:31:47,583 --> 00:31:49,875 So boys take 1254 00:31:47,583 --> 00:31:49,875 drugs and alcohol, 1255 00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:53,166 but they're often 1256 00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:53,166 doing it to treat loneliness. 1257 00:31:53,792 --> 00:31:56,291 When they're lonely 1258 00:31:53,792 --> 00:31:56,291 or in a lot of psychic pain 1259 00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:59,917 and they don't have the words 1260 00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:59,917 to put it into language, 1261 00:31:59,917 --> 00:32:03,500 they take to drink 1262 00:31:59,917 --> 00:32:03,500 and drugs to blot it out. 1263 00:32:12,208 --> 00:32:13,667 Hey, Mom. 1264 00:32:12,208 --> 00:32:13,667 Hi. 1265 00:32:16,166 --> 00:32:18,041 LUIS: My mom and father 1266 00:32:18,041 --> 00:32:20,875 met when they were about 1267 00:32:18,041 --> 00:32:20,875 17 years old, 1268 00:32:20,875 --> 00:32:25,250 and they decided to leave 1269 00:32:20,875 --> 00:32:25,250 Mexico for a better future. 1270 00:32:25,250 --> 00:32:27,959 My mom told me, you know, 1271 00:32:25,250 --> 00:32:27,959 "Go to school and get a career 1272 00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,792 so you don't have 1273 00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,792 to be like me." 1274 00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,208 ( In Spanish ) 1275 00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,208 Would you like 1276 00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,208 to eat something, Luis? 1277 00:32:34,208 --> 00:32:35,250 Like what? 1278 00:32:36,375 --> 00:32:39,041 Like a sandwich, 1279 00:32:36,375 --> 00:32:39,041 a quesadilla, or something. 1280 00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:45,000 ( Mother in Spanish ) 1281 00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:45,000 My husband and I made the 1282 00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:45,000 decision to separate in 2007. 1283 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,083 And he left. 1284 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,083 And I remained alone 1285 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,083 with the three kids. 1286 00:32:50,083 --> 00:32:52,500 He didn't come to visit them 1287 00:32:50,083 --> 00:32:52,500 very often. 1288 00:32:52,500 --> 00:32:56,583 He said because he had things 1289 00:32:52,500 --> 00:32:56,583 to do and he was busy. 1290 00:32:56,583 --> 00:33:01,333 My dad actually, 1291 00:32:56,583 --> 00:33:01,333 he was kind of a wild kid. 1292 00:33:01,333 --> 00:33:03,041 Like, he would 1293 00:33:01,333 --> 00:33:03,041 like to party a lot 1294 00:33:03,041 --> 00:33:05,583 and he would like to go out 1295 00:33:03,041 --> 00:33:05,583 with his friends. 1296 00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:07,250 One night he just 1297 00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:07,250 made a bad move 1298 00:33:07,250 --> 00:33:09,250 and decided 1299 00:33:07,250 --> 00:33:09,250 to drink and drive. 1300 00:33:09,250 --> 00:33:11,792 And, you know, 1301 00:33:09,250 --> 00:33:11,792 he got pulled over. 1302 00:33:11,792 --> 00:33:16,375 They found out later 1303 00:33:11,792 --> 00:33:16,375 he wasn't a US citizen. 1304 00:33:16,375 --> 00:33:19,500 So they deported him 1305 00:33:16,375 --> 00:33:19,500 back to Mexico, 1306 00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:22,458 and he's been there 1307 00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:22,458 since I was in seventh grade. 1308 00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:25,458 I miss my dad 1309 00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:25,458 very much and, 1310 00:33:25,458 --> 00:33:26,959 you know, 1311 00:33:25,458 --> 00:33:26,959 there's nothing I can do 1312 00:33:26,959 --> 00:33:28,959 but visit him in Mexico. 1313 00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:34,000 ( In Spanish ) 1314 00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:34,000 From that point, the problems 1315 00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:34,000 started with Luis. 1316 00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:38,250 Luis was a good kid, 1317 00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:38,250 he was very sweet. 1318 00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:43,458 But when he got 1319 00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:43,458 into seventh grade, 1320 00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:43,458 he changed completely. 1321 00:33:43,458 --> 00:33:46,291 LUIS: I noticed 1322 00:33:43,458 --> 00:33:46,291 a bunch of different faces. 1323 00:33:46,291 --> 00:33:48,000 There was a lot 1324 00:33:46,291 --> 00:33:48,000 of pretty girls, 1325 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,959 then there was 1326 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,959 like the gang members 1327 00:33:49,959 --> 00:33:53,375 and then the skaters 1328 00:33:49,959 --> 00:33:53,375 and then the kids that smoked. 1329 00:33:53,375 --> 00:33:55,000 When I decided 1330 00:33:53,375 --> 00:33:55,000 to join a gang, 1331 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,333 it was because 1332 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,333 it was just cool. 1333 00:33:57,333 --> 00:34:01,000 I was eventually 1334 00:33:57,333 --> 00:34:01,000 jumped in and, 1335 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,083 you know, I claimed a color. 1336 00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:07,041 They gave me a nickname 1337 00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:07,041 to just affiliate myself. 1338 00:34:08,417 --> 00:34:10,166 I would ditch class. 1339 00:34:10,166 --> 00:34:11,500 I had four F's. 1340 00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:13,458 I ran away from home. 1341 00:34:13,458 --> 00:34:15,625 I just found myself 1342 00:34:13,458 --> 00:34:15,625 with a lot of troubles. 1343 00:34:15,625 --> 00:34:18,500 And I just didn't care. 1344 00:34:18,834 --> 00:34:21,667 ( Mother in Spanish ) 1345 00:34:18,834 --> 00:34:21,667 I ask him, "Luis are you okay? 1346 00:34:18,834 --> 00:34:21,667 'Yes'". 1347 00:34:21,667 --> 00:34:24,750 But there are times 1348 00:34:21,667 --> 00:34:24,750 when I sense that he's not ok. 1349 00:34:25,208 --> 00:34:27,542 Then he gets mad, he yells. 1350 00:34:28,041 --> 00:34:30,959 It's never a good time 1351 00:34:28,041 --> 00:34:30,959 to talk to him. 1352 00:34:32,125 --> 00:34:35,291 Sometimes I've felt very 1353 00:34:32,125 --> 00:34:35,291 hopeless. 1354 00:34:36,542 --> 00:34:38,000 LUIS: Around my 1355 00:34:36,542 --> 00:34:38,000 freshman year 1356 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,583 is when I felt really 1357 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,583 depressed and alone. 1358 00:34:41,583 --> 00:34:43,875 And I would just wake up 1359 00:34:41,583 --> 00:34:43,875 in a bad mood. 1360 00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:46,583 Sometimes I would 1361 00:34:43,875 --> 00:34:46,583 cry myself to sleep. 1362 00:34:46,583 --> 00:34:48,291 I didn't have 1363 00:34:46,583 --> 00:34:48,291 no one to talk to. 1364 00:34:48,291 --> 00:34:52,208 Like no one could really 1365 00:34:48,291 --> 00:34:52,208 listen to me and tell me, 1366 00:34:52,208 --> 00:34:53,250 you know, 1367 00:34:52,208 --> 00:34:53,250 "It's going to be okay, 1368 00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:54,709 it's going to be all right." 1369 00:34:54,709 --> 00:34:57,750 Like, "I got you," 1370 00:34:54,709 --> 00:34:57,750 or anything. 1371 00:34:57,750 --> 00:34:59,917 I really felt like 1372 00:34:57,750 --> 00:34:59,917 everyone gave up on me, 1373 00:34:59,917 --> 00:35:01,125 even my mom. 1374 00:35:02,166 --> 00:35:03,291 There's been a time 1375 00:35:03,291 --> 00:35:06,041 where I almost 1376 00:35:03,291 --> 00:35:06,041 did commit suicide, 1377 00:35:06,041 --> 00:35:11,041 but I'm going to put 1378 00:35:06,041 --> 00:35:11,041 more pressure on my family, 1379 00:35:11,041 --> 00:35:14,709 my mom and my dad. 1380 00:35:14,709 --> 00:35:17,417 Basically all I had 1381 00:35:14,709 --> 00:35:17,417 was marijuana, 1382 00:35:17,417 --> 00:35:19,542 I was smoking that every day. 1383 00:35:19,542 --> 00:35:21,583 I would always be high. 1384 00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:25,417 I was smoking, 1385 00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:25,417 and I wouldn't think 1386 00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:25,417 about any troubles. 1387 00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:30,083 I remember July 6th, 1388 00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:30,083 we went to the cannabis club. 1389 00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:32,709 We got THC wax oil. 1390 00:35:32,709 --> 00:35:34,375 We smoked a joint. 1391 00:35:34,375 --> 00:35:35,709 And then next thing I know, 1392 00:35:35,709 --> 00:35:38,083 I saw a cop 1393 00:35:35,709 --> 00:35:38,083 flashing his lights. 1394 00:35:38,083 --> 00:35:41,166 He wrote us a ticket, 1395 00:35:38,083 --> 00:35:41,166 he came back to the car, 1396 00:35:41,166 --> 00:35:42,834 and he searched me. 1397 00:35:42,834 --> 00:35:47,000 He found it in my shoe, 1398 00:35:42,834 --> 00:35:47,000 and he put the cuffs on me 1399 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,583 and he told me you have 1400 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,583 the right to remain silent, 1401 00:35:49,583 --> 00:35:51,458 you're going to be 1402 00:35:49,583 --> 00:35:51,458 taken to jail. 1403 00:35:53,375 --> 00:35:56,375 ( Mother in Spanish ) 1404 00:35:53,375 --> 00:35:56,375 My heart broke. 1405 00:35:56,375 --> 00:35:59,834 I couldn't believe it. 1406 00:35:56,375 --> 00:35:59,834 I couldn't believe it. 1407 00:36:01,375 --> 00:36:06,208 And it really hurt when I saw 1408 00:36:01,375 --> 00:36:06,208 that he was being arrested. 1409 00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:08,709 And that he was going to be in 1410 00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:08,709 juvenile hall. 1411 00:36:08,709 --> 00:36:10,333 It really hurt. 1412 00:36:15,750 --> 00:36:19,333 We recognize more and more 1413 00:36:15,750 --> 00:36:19,333 that adolescents are more likely 1414 00:36:19,333 --> 00:36:20,875 to be depressed and suicidal, 1415 00:36:20,875 --> 00:36:23,959 but we imagine that 1416 00:36:20,875 --> 00:36:23,959 that will be female adolescence 1417 00:36:23,959 --> 00:36:26,250 because of the way 1418 00:36:23,959 --> 00:36:26,250 we define depression-- 1419 00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:30,291 more removed, more quiet, 1420 00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:30,291 not responding. 1421 00:36:30,291 --> 00:36:34,458 What boys tend to do 1422 00:36:30,291 --> 00:36:34,458 when they are getting depressed 1423 00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:35,959 is actually the opposite. 1424 00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,166 Boys are more 1425 00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,166 likely to act out, 1426 00:36:38,166 --> 00:36:39,875 more likely to 1427 00:36:38,166 --> 00:36:39,875 become aggressive, 1428 00:36:39,875 --> 00:36:42,125 using cursing words 1429 00:36:39,875 --> 00:36:42,125 and screaming at people. 1430 00:36:42,125 --> 00:36:45,375 But most people 1431 00:36:42,125 --> 00:36:45,375 see it as a conduct disorder 1432 00:36:45,375 --> 00:36:47,083 or just a bad kid. 1433 00:36:47,083 --> 00:36:49,041 And what happens? 1434 00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,500 Before they see 1435 00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,500 the other signs of depression, 1436 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,834 which will come 1437 00:36:52,834 --> 00:36:54,667 in adolescent males, 1438 00:36:52,834 --> 00:36:54,667 just as females, 1439 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:57,333 that young male 1440 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:57,333 may become suicidal, 1441 00:36:57,333 --> 00:36:59,291 but no one has noticed it. 1442 00:37:10,583 --> 00:37:12,041 Exactly at the age 1443 00:37:12,041 --> 00:37:13,834 that we began 1444 00:37:12,041 --> 00:37:13,834 to hear the language, 1445 00:37:13,834 --> 00:37:16,291 the emotional language, 1446 00:37:13,834 --> 00:37:16,291 disappear from boys' narratives, 1447 00:37:16,291 --> 00:37:17,667 in the national data 1448 00:37:17,667 --> 00:37:19,041 that's 1449 00:37:17,667 --> 00:37:19,041 exactly the age 1450 00:37:19,041 --> 00:37:21,375 that boys begin to 1451 00:37:19,041 --> 00:37:21,375 have five times 1452 00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:23,250 the rate of 1453 00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:23,250 suicide as girls. 1454 00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:28,500 POLLACK: 1455 00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:28,500 The way boys are brought up 1456 00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:31,875 makes them hide 1457 00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:31,875 all their natural, 1458 00:37:31,875 --> 00:37:33,875 vulnerable 1459 00:37:31,875 --> 00:37:33,875 and empathic feelings 1460 00:37:33,875 --> 00:37:36,709 behind a mask of masculinity. 1461 00:37:36,709 --> 00:37:39,750 And also, 1462 00:37:36,709 --> 00:37:39,750 when they're most in pain, 1463 00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:42,458 they can't reach out 1464 00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:42,458 and ask for help 1465 00:37:42,458 --> 00:37:45,250 because they're not allowed to, 1466 00:37:42,458 --> 00:37:45,250 or they won't be a real boy. 1467 00:37:45,250 --> 00:37:47,041 They are shamed into this, 1468 00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:50,125 and they're very ashamed 1469 00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:50,125 to break out of it. 1470 00:37:54,625 --> 00:37:57,250 So they live 1471 00:37:54,625 --> 00:37:57,250 behind an emotional mask 1472 00:37:57,250 --> 00:38:01,208 that keeps boys from 1473 00:37:57,250 --> 00:38:01,208 expressing their true feelings. 1474 00:38:04,333 --> 00:38:07,750 ♪ I tried my best to fit in 1475 00:38:04,333 --> 00:38:07,750 Looking for a suit to fit in ♪ 1476 00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:09,667 ♪ Standing outside 1477 00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:09,667 of your prison ♪ 1478 00:38:09,667 --> 00:38:11,125 ♪ Trying to find ways 1479 00:38:09,667 --> 00:38:11,125 I could get in ♪ 1480 00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:12,667 ♪ Now I realize that I'm free ♪ 1481 00:38:12,667 --> 00:38:14,291 ♪ And I realize that I'm me ♪ 1482 00:38:14,291 --> 00:38:16,083 ♪ And I found out 1483 00:38:14,291 --> 00:38:16,083 that I'm not alone ♪ 1484 00:38:16,083 --> 00:38:18,291 ♪ 'Cause there's 1485 00:38:16,083 --> 00:38:18,291 plenty people like me ♪ 1486 00:38:18,291 --> 00:38:19,834 ♪ That's right, there's 1487 00:38:18,291 --> 00:38:19,834 plenty people like me ♪ 1488 00:38:19,834 --> 00:38:21,709 ♪ All love me, despite me ♪ 1489 00:38:21,709 --> 00:38:23,166 ♪ And all unashamed 1490 00:38:21,709 --> 00:38:23,166 and all unafraid ♪ 1491 00:38:23,166 --> 00:38:24,917 ♪ To speak out for what 1492 00:38:23,166 --> 00:38:24,917 we might see ♪ 1493 00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:26,709 ♪ I said there's 1494 00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:26,709 plenty people like me ♪ 1495 00:38:26,709 --> 00:38:28,250 ♪ All outsiders like me ♪ 1496 00:38:28,250 --> 00:38:30,000 ♪ All unashamed 1497 00:38:28,250 --> 00:38:30,000 and all unafraid ♪ 1498 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,750 ♪ To live out 1499 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,750 what they supposed to be ♪ 1500 00:38:34,417 --> 00:38:35,792 BRANCH: 1501 00:38:34,417 --> 00:38:35,792 This is my high school, 1502 00:38:35,792 --> 00:38:37,083 I graduated 1503 00:38:35,792 --> 00:38:37,083 from this high school. 1504 00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:38,959 I never wanted 1505 00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:38,959 to be a teacher. 1506 00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:42,250 I was going to be an engineer 1507 00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:42,250 and make a lot of money. 1508 00:38:42,250 --> 00:38:43,750 I became a teacher 1509 00:38:43,750 --> 00:38:46,875 because I saw that 1510 00:38:43,750 --> 00:38:46,875 my community was hurting 1511 00:38:46,875 --> 00:38:48,500 without good teachers. 1512 00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:50,709 And I think one of the 1513 00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:50,709 biggest challenges was that, 1514 00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:52,792 like, I've been through it, 1515 00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:52,792 right? 1516 00:38:52,792 --> 00:38:55,208 And so I want them 1517 00:38:52,792 --> 00:38:55,208 to be able to know that 1518 00:38:55,208 --> 00:38:57,000 they can move forward 1519 00:38:55,208 --> 00:38:57,000 and they can succeed 1520 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,667 and they can do whatever 1521 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,667 they choose to do in life. 1522 00:38:59,667 --> 00:39:01,750 But it's going to take 1523 00:38:59,667 --> 00:39:01,750 hard work. 1524 00:39:01,750 --> 00:39:04,917 If you go two blocks away, 1525 00:39:01,750 --> 00:39:04,917 you'll find prostitution. 1526 00:39:04,917 --> 00:39:08,083 There's a lot of gang 1527 00:39:04,917 --> 00:39:08,083 activity in the area. 1528 00:39:08,083 --> 00:39:10,125 I consider it like 1529 00:39:08,083 --> 00:39:10,125 a war zone, right? 1530 00:39:10,125 --> 00:39:11,917 Our kids get up every morning, 1531 00:39:11,917 --> 00:39:14,041 they have to prepare 1532 00:39:11,917 --> 00:39:14,041 their mask 1533 00:39:14,041 --> 00:39:16,959 for how they're going 1534 00:39:14,041 --> 00:39:16,959 to walk to get to school. 1535 00:39:16,959 --> 00:39:20,375 So if that mask 1536 00:39:16,959 --> 00:39:20,375 requires me not to 1537 00:39:20,375 --> 00:39:23,375 let people see 1538 00:39:20,375 --> 00:39:23,375 any of my vulnerabilities, 1539 00:39:23,375 --> 00:39:26,417 I mean, I may have to put on 1540 00:39:23,375 --> 00:39:26,417 a very tough mask. 1541 00:39:26,417 --> 00:39:27,667 And when I get here 1542 00:39:27,667 --> 00:39:29,000 hopefully I can 1543 00:39:27,667 --> 00:39:29,000 take the mask off, 1544 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,000 so I can focus on learning 1545 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:35,083 rather than continually 1546 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:35,083 wearing this hardened shell. 1547 00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:37,709 A lot of our students don't 1548 00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:37,709 know how to take the mask off. 1549 00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:45,083 So I want you to take 1550 00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:45,083 one of these masks, 1551 00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:45,083 take the mask. 1552 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,125 Here's what 1553 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,125 we're going to do: 1554 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,125 On this mask, 1555 00:39:47,125 --> 00:39:50,291 you're going to draw 1556 00:39:47,125 --> 00:39:50,291 what represents you. 1557 00:39:50,291 --> 00:39:52,166 What are some things 1558 00:39:50,291 --> 00:39:52,166 that you hold up every day 1559 00:39:52,166 --> 00:39:56,291 when you walk to school 1560 00:39:52,166 --> 00:39:56,291 that you let people see. 1561 00:39:56,291 --> 00:39:59,458 And then on the back, 1562 00:39:56,291 --> 00:39:59,458 I want you to write 1563 00:39:59,458 --> 00:40:02,417 what is it that 1564 00:39:59,458 --> 00:40:02,417 you don't let people see. 1565 00:40:02,417 --> 00:40:06,333 Like, what's behind the mask, 1566 00:40:02,417 --> 00:40:06,333 all right? 1567 00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:20,709 So what I want 1568 00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:20,709 you to do is 1569 00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:23,750 I want you to take your mask, 1570 00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:23,750 and I want you to ball it up. 1571 00:40:24,875 --> 00:40:27,333 I want you to hit someone 1572 00:40:27,333 --> 00:40:30,083 across the circle 1573 00:40:27,333 --> 00:40:30,083 with your mask. 1574 00:40:30,083 --> 00:40:32,542 Don't leave your seat, 1575 00:40:30,083 --> 00:40:32,542 don't leave your seat. 1576 00:40:32,542 --> 00:40:34,166 You can't leave your seat. 1577 00:40:35,375 --> 00:40:37,041 Open it up. 1578 00:40:37,041 --> 00:40:38,583 Okay. 1579 00:40:38,583 --> 00:40:42,875 So who wants to reveal 1580 00:40:38,583 --> 00:40:42,875 what's on the mask they opened. 1581 00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:44,542 Read it out loud, 1582 00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:44,542 just the front. 1583 00:40:44,542 --> 00:40:47,500 "Funny, caring and happy." 1584 00:40:47,500 --> 00:40:48,750 Okay. 1585 00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:50,375 What's behind the mask? 1586 00:40:50,375 --> 00:40:53,041 "Sadness and fear." 1587 00:40:50,375 --> 00:40:53,041 Sadness and fear. 1588 00:40:53,041 --> 00:40:59,709 "Goofy, kindness, happiness, 1589 00:40:53,041 --> 00:40:59,709 silliness, smile, and fun." 1590 00:40:59,917 --> 00:41:01,834 Okay, on the back? 1591 00:41:01,834 --> 00:41:02,834 "Anger." 1592 00:41:02,834 --> 00:41:04,500 Anger. Okay. 1593 00:41:06,375 --> 00:41:07,583 I'll read mine. 1594 00:41:07,583 --> 00:41:09,417 The front says 1595 00:41:07,583 --> 00:41:09,417 "entertainment," 1596 00:41:09,417 --> 00:41:11,000 that's what I show 1597 00:41:09,417 --> 00:41:11,000 on the mask, 1598 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,458 on the back says "pain." 1599 00:41:15,333 --> 00:41:16,750 "Energy, frustration, 1600 00:41:16,750 --> 00:41:22,250 happiness, friendly, 1601 00:41:16,750 --> 00:41:22,250 heart, smile, outgoing." 1602 00:41:22,250 --> 00:41:25,834 And on the back it say 1603 00:41:22,250 --> 00:41:25,834 "sadness, scared, tears, 1604 00:41:25,834 --> 00:41:27,417 missing my dad, 1605 00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:30,208 "trying to take care 1606 00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:30,208 of my brothers and... 1607 00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:33,500 pain." 1608 00:41:40,750 --> 00:41:43,125 Why you think 1609 00:41:40,750 --> 00:41:43,125 we hold back our pain? 1610 00:41:44,458 --> 00:41:47,291 People don't want everybody 1611 00:41:44,458 --> 00:41:47,291 to know everything. 1612 00:41:47,291 --> 00:41:48,792 You got to keep 1613 00:41:47,291 --> 00:41:48,792 your poker face on, 1614 00:41:48,792 --> 00:41:50,041 can't let them know 1615 00:41:48,792 --> 00:41:50,041 what you got. 1616 00:41:50,041 --> 00:41:52,125 How hard is that, 1617 00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:55,417 to walk around every day 1618 00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:55,417 with a poker face on? 1619 00:41:58,959 --> 00:42:01,750 It's not just 1620 00:41:58,959 --> 00:42:01,750 an activity on paper, 1621 00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,333 it's about real stuff 1622 00:42:03,333 --> 00:42:05,125 that we are dealing 1623 00:42:03,333 --> 00:42:05,125 with as young men, 1624 00:42:05,125 --> 00:42:08,041 that we hide behind 1625 00:42:05,125 --> 00:42:08,041 because we don't feel safe. 1626 00:42:10,166 --> 00:42:12,625 Almost 90% of you 1627 00:42:10,166 --> 00:42:12,625 had "pain" and "anger" 1628 00:42:12,625 --> 00:42:15,083 on the back of that paper. 1629 00:42:15,083 --> 00:42:16,875 That's not a coincidence. 1630 00:42:17,875 --> 00:42:19,875 That is real. 1631 00:42:21,041 --> 00:42:23,333 And we're only eight here. 1632 00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:25,041 There are hundreds 1633 00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:25,041 of young men out there 1634 00:42:25,041 --> 00:42:27,417 that are having 1635 00:42:25,041 --> 00:42:27,417 the same experience, 1636 00:42:27,417 --> 00:42:29,959 but they don't have 1637 00:42:27,417 --> 00:42:29,959 anybody to talk to about it. 1638 00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,667 They're holding back sadness, 1639 00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,667 they're holding back pain, 1640 00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,667 they're holding back anger, 1641 00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:37,208 'cause they have nobody 1642 00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:37,208 who's even asking them, 1643 00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:37,208 "What's up with you, man? 1644 00:42:37,208 --> 00:42:39,500 "What's happening? 1645 00:42:37,208 --> 00:42:39,500 What's going on? 1646 00:42:39,500 --> 00:42:41,208 How can I support you?" 1647 00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,542 I want each of you 1648 00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,542 to be able to say 1649 00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,542 what you need to say, 1650 00:42:46,542 --> 00:42:48,333 because if we're ever 1651 00:42:46,542 --> 00:42:48,333 going to dig down 1652 00:42:48,333 --> 00:42:50,166 to the deepness of our pain, 1653 00:42:48,333 --> 00:42:50,166 young men, 1654 00:42:50,166 --> 00:42:52,083 if we're ever going to dig down 1655 00:42:52,083 --> 00:42:54,458 to the anger 1656 00:42:52,083 --> 00:42:54,458 that we're holding behind, 1657 00:42:54,458 --> 00:42:57,375 so that we end up 1658 00:42:54,458 --> 00:42:57,375 another man in jail, 1659 00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625 because we just exploded 1660 00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625 on the wrong person 1661 00:42:59,625 --> 00:43:01,208 for the wrong thing, 1662 00:43:01,208 --> 00:43:03,917 we got to have 1663 00:43:01,208 --> 00:43:03,917 a safe place to deal with it. 1664 00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:07,166 That's brotherhood. 1665 00:43:13,875 --> 00:43:15,667 PORTER: For many of our boys 1666 00:43:15,667 --> 00:43:18,208 who are trying to find 1667 00:43:15,667 --> 00:43:18,208 what it means to be a man, 1668 00:43:18,208 --> 00:43:21,500 and far too many 1669 00:43:18,208 --> 00:43:21,500 without a man guiding them, 1670 00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,750 they begin to define 1671 00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,750 their own sense 1672 00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:25,792 of what it means 1673 00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:25,792 to be a man. 1674 00:43:25,792 --> 00:43:28,375 Our boys are yearning 1675 00:43:25,792 --> 00:43:28,375 for help, 1676 00:43:28,375 --> 00:43:32,500 yearning for guidance 1677 00:43:28,375 --> 00:43:32,500 and mentorship and leadership. 1678 00:43:35,583 --> 00:43:39,417 What is there about 1679 00:43:35,583 --> 00:43:39,417 being a boy in America 1680 00:43:39,417 --> 00:43:41,291 that places boys 1681 00:43:39,417 --> 00:43:41,291 at greater risk? 1682 00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:48,583 We're seeing clearly 1683 00:43:48,583 --> 00:43:51,542 that boys who come 1684 00:43:48,583 --> 00:43:51,542 from low income families, 1685 00:43:51,542 --> 00:43:54,375 and when I say boys 1686 00:43:51,542 --> 00:43:54,375 I mean white boys as well, 1687 00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:55,959 are less likely 1688 00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:55,959 to go to college, 1689 00:43:55,959 --> 00:43:57,500 more likely 1690 00:43:55,959 --> 00:43:57,500 to drop out of school. 1691 00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:15,375 In most schools 1692 00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:15,375 we start with humiliation 1693 00:44:15,375 --> 00:44:18,208 as a way to punish kids, 1694 00:44:15,375 --> 00:44:18,208 write their name on the board, 1695 00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,834 put them in the back 1696 00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,834 of the room, send them out. 1697 00:44:19,834 --> 00:44:23,792 We rarely stop and ask what's 1698 00:44:19,834 --> 00:44:23,792 behind the behavior problem, 1699 00:44:23,792 --> 00:44:25,333 why is this child acting out? 1700 00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:27,291 Denying those kids 1701 00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:27,291 learning time 1702 00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:30,125 actually has the effect 1703 00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:30,125 of pushing many of them 1704 00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:30,125 right out of school. 1705 00:44:30,125 --> 00:44:32,667 They will kick a kid 1706 00:44:30,125 --> 00:44:32,667 out of school knowing 1707 00:44:32,667 --> 00:44:35,500 that a kid who isn't reading 1708 00:44:32,667 --> 00:44:35,500 by the fourth grade 1709 00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:37,083 is going to be 1710 00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:37,083 in the prison system. 1711 00:44:37,083 --> 00:44:39,500 Well, you kicked him out 1712 00:44:37,083 --> 00:44:39,500 twice in the third grade 1713 00:44:39,500 --> 00:44:41,417 'cause he did this 1714 00:44:39,500 --> 00:44:41,417 to his teacher. 1715 00:44:41,417 --> 00:44:43,500 Ain't nobody in that 1716 00:44:41,417 --> 00:44:43,500 child's life ever hugged him. 1717 00:44:44,125 --> 00:44:46,583 Go into a 1718 00:44:44,125 --> 00:44:46,583 kindergarten class, 1719 00:44:46,583 --> 00:44:48,583 you're talking about boys, 1720 00:44:46,583 --> 00:44:48,583 they're doing this. 1721 00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:50,333 Ask them a question. 1722 00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:50,333 They can't shut up. 1723 00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:52,041 They're jumping up and down, 1724 00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:52,041 waving their hands. 1725 00:44:52,041 --> 00:44:53,709 All right. 1726 00:44:53,709 --> 00:44:57,250 Go into the same class 1727 00:44:53,709 --> 00:44:57,250 when they're in the sixth grade, 1728 00:44:57,250 --> 00:44:58,625 ask them a question. 1729 00:44:58,625 --> 00:45:00,709 What do you think? 1730 00:44:58,625 --> 00:45:00,709 "I don't know." 1731 00:45:02,667 --> 00:45:04,166 "Whatever." 1732 00:45:04,166 --> 00:45:05,875 "It's cool." 1733 00:45:05,875 --> 00:45:07,291 In those 5 years, 1734 00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:09,625 the academic pilot light 1735 00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:09,625 has started to go out 1736 00:45:09,625 --> 00:45:11,000 because they have decided 1737 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,792 that school 1738 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,792 is not the place for them. 1739 00:45:13,458 --> 00:45:16,083 The number one predictor 1740 00:45:13,458 --> 00:45:16,083 of student achievement, 1741 00:45:16,083 --> 00:45:18,709 it's the expectations 1742 00:45:16,083 --> 00:45:18,709 of the staff. 1743 00:45:18,709 --> 00:45:22,250 The school system just-- 1744 00:45:18,709 --> 00:45:22,250 they didn't believe in the kids. 1745 00:45:22,250 --> 00:45:24,625 In fact, because they were 1746 00:45:22,250 --> 00:45:24,625 black and brown kids 1747 00:45:24,625 --> 00:45:26,291 they didn't think 1748 00:45:24,625 --> 00:45:26,291 they could do well. 1749 00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,250 NOGUERA: 1750 00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,250 Everybody has potential... 1751 00:45:28,250 --> 00:45:30,000 if they're provided 1752 00:45:28,250 --> 00:45:30,000 with the right support 1753 00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:32,375 and the right stimulation. 1754 00:45:35,291 --> 00:45:37,417 BRANCH: I was always told 1755 00:45:35,291 --> 00:45:37,417 in elementary, 1756 00:45:37,417 --> 00:45:38,750 "Oh, you're really smart." 1757 00:45:38,750 --> 00:45:40,500 But when I got 1758 00:45:38,750 --> 00:45:40,500 to middle school, 1759 00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:42,291 you're not cool 1760 00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:42,291 if you're being smart. 1761 00:45:42,291 --> 00:45:44,417 Having good grades 1762 00:45:42,291 --> 00:45:44,417 didn't mean a whole lot. 1763 00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:46,250 It didn't mean nothing 1764 00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:46,250 on the playground 1765 00:45:46,250 --> 00:45:48,542 and so I had to figure out 1766 00:45:46,250 --> 00:45:48,542 how I was gonna fit in. 1767 00:45:48,542 --> 00:45:50,542 So I just barely slipped by. 1768 00:45:50,542 --> 00:45:52,959 It's cool to be like, 1769 00:45:50,542 --> 00:45:52,959 "I don't care. 1770 00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:56,000 Take my points. 1771 00:45:52,959 --> 00:45:56,000 Call my mama." 1772 00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,375 I fell into that trap, 1773 00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,375 right? 1774 00:45:58,375 --> 00:46:00,709 And it wasn't till 1775 00:45:58,375 --> 00:46:00,709 my last year of middle school 1776 00:46:00,709 --> 00:46:02,500 is when I got 1777 00:46:00,709 --> 00:46:02,500 my act together, 1778 00:46:02,500 --> 00:46:04,959 and it was a teacher 1779 00:46:02,500 --> 00:46:04,959 who kind of saved me. 1780 00:46:04,959 --> 00:46:06,709 She saw 1781 00:46:04,959 --> 00:46:06,709 enough in me to say, 1782 00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:08,667 "I know that there's something 1783 00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:08,667 going on with you. 1784 00:46:08,667 --> 00:46:11,667 "I know that your father died 1785 00:46:08,667 --> 00:46:11,667 before you were born. 1786 00:46:11,667 --> 00:46:13,875 "But you're using that 1787 00:46:11,667 --> 00:46:13,875 as an excuse. 1788 00:46:13,875 --> 00:46:15,959 You're too smart 1789 00:46:13,875 --> 00:46:15,959 to act like you're not." 1790 00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:19,458 She said, "We don't always get 1791 00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:19,458 to choose what happens to us, 1792 00:46:19,458 --> 00:46:22,333 but we have a responsibility 1793 00:46:19,458 --> 00:46:22,333 to make the most out of it." 1794 00:46:22,333 --> 00:46:25,417 And I was mad at her. 1795 00:46:22,333 --> 00:46:25,417 I was mad at this teacher. 1796 00:46:25,417 --> 00:46:26,750 I was like, I'm never 1797 00:46:25,417 --> 00:46:26,750 speaking to her again, 1798 00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:28,166 she can't talk to me 1799 00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:28,166 like that. 1800 00:46:28,166 --> 00:46:30,250 But I heard it 1801 00:46:28,166 --> 00:46:30,250 and I remembered it 1802 00:46:30,250 --> 00:46:32,291 and it changed 1803 00:46:30,250 --> 00:46:32,291 the very next day. 1804 00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,709 And my grades 1805 00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:34,709 transformed right then. 1806 00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,250 And it was really like this 1807 00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,250 idea that my mom could 1808 00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,250 raise me the best she could-- 1809 00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,291 there would need to be 1810 00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,291 other voices that would 1811 00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,291 help me to find my way. 1812 00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:48,917 CODY: By the time 1813 00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:48,917 my wrestling coach 1814 00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:48,917 came into my life, 1815 00:46:48,917 --> 00:46:54,750 I was really, really searching 1816 00:46:48,917 --> 00:46:54,750 for a man I wanted to resemble. 1817 00:46:54,750 --> 00:46:57,291 I guess it's the type of love 1818 00:46:54,750 --> 00:46:57,291 and admiration 1819 00:46:57,291 --> 00:46:58,583 that you're supposed to have 1820 00:46:57,291 --> 00:46:58,583 for your father, 1821 00:46:58,583 --> 00:47:00,917 I felt for my coach, 1822 00:46:58,583 --> 00:47:00,917 right off the bat. 1823 00:47:00,917 --> 00:47:04,458 And I think it was because of 1824 00:47:00,917 --> 00:47:04,458 that yearning I had to, 1825 00:47:04,458 --> 00:47:06,875 to figure out 1826 00:47:04,458 --> 00:47:06,875 what it means to be a man. 1827 00:47:06,875 --> 00:47:09,500 He was a family man, 1828 00:47:09,500 --> 00:47:12,375 he loved and cherished 1829 00:47:09,500 --> 00:47:12,375 his daughter to death. 1830 00:47:12,375 --> 00:47:16,125 I saw this man 1831 00:47:12,375 --> 00:47:16,125 that was dependable, reliable, 1832 00:47:16,125 --> 00:47:18,375 and not abusive. 1833 00:47:18,375 --> 00:47:20,166 My coach kind of stepped in 1834 00:47:18,375 --> 00:47:20,166 and showed me 1835 00:47:20,166 --> 00:47:22,458 that good men do exist. 1836 00:47:27,291 --> 00:47:28,667 EHRMANN: 1837 00:47:27,291 --> 00:47:28,667 Coaches in this country 1838 00:47:28,667 --> 00:47:30,250 have so much power, 1839 00:47:30,250 --> 00:47:32,625 such a position 1840 00:47:30,250 --> 00:47:32,625 in the lives of young people 1841 00:47:32,625 --> 00:47:35,458 that they do attain 1842 00:47:32,625 --> 00:47:35,458 this father-like status, 1843 00:47:35,458 --> 00:47:37,834 and I think you've got 1844 00:47:35,458 --> 00:47:37,834 all these young boys 1845 00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:41,667 trying to seek 1846 00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:41,667 the approval of that coach. 1847 00:47:45,625 --> 00:47:48,291 DON: I'll never forget 1848 00:47:45,625 --> 00:47:48,291 showing up in Catholic school, 1849 00:47:48,291 --> 00:47:51,208 just right away just hearing 1850 00:47:48,291 --> 00:47:51,208 how on the field, like, 1851 00:47:51,208 --> 00:47:53,000 "Hurry up, you faggots!" 1852 00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,375 And you're just like, whoa. 1853 00:47:54,375 --> 00:47:56,959 I heard it 1854 00:47:54,375 --> 00:47:56,959 and I thought about it 1855 00:47:56,959 --> 00:48:01,500 and then one second later, 1856 00:47:56,959 --> 00:48:01,500 I adopted it. 1857 00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:03,208 EHRMANN: Coaches can do 1858 00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:03,208 an awful lot of good, 1859 00:48:03,208 --> 00:48:05,083 and an awful lot of bad. 1860 00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:09,000 I was talking 1861 00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:09,000 to a 12-year-old football player 1862 00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:12,333 and I asked him the question, 1863 00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:12,333 what if your coach told you 1864 00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:13,583 you were playing 1865 00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:13,583 like a girl 1866 00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:15,458 in front of 1867 00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:15,458 the rest of the players? 1868 00:48:15,458 --> 00:48:18,208 The boy told me 1869 00:48:15,458 --> 00:48:18,208 it would destroy him. 1870 00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:23,834 If it would destroy him to be 1871 00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:23,834 told he's playing like a girl, 1872 00:48:23,834 --> 00:48:28,208 what are we teaching 1873 00:48:23,834 --> 00:48:28,208 this boy about girls? 1874 00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:30,709 And actually, 1875 00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:30,709 when I say, play like a girl, 1876 00:48:30,709 --> 00:48:33,041 I'm using 1877 00:48:30,709 --> 00:48:33,041 real soft language. 1878 00:48:33,041 --> 00:48:37,250 We have much more aggressive, 1879 00:48:33,041 --> 00:48:37,250 demeaning, demonstrous, 1880 00:48:37,250 --> 00:48:41,542 dehumanizing ways of making 1881 00:48:37,250 --> 00:48:41,542 that point and making it stick. 1882 00:48:42,667 --> 00:48:44,417 Don't give me 1883 00:48:42,667 --> 00:48:44,417 that soft crap. 1884 00:48:44,417 --> 00:48:46,166 Don't cry. 1885 00:48:46,166 --> 00:48:48,041 Take your ass-whooping 1886 00:48:46,166 --> 00:48:48,041 like a man! 1887 00:48:48,041 --> 00:48:51,959 You (bleep)! 1888 00:48:48,041 --> 00:48:51,959 You're a (bleep) bleep)! 1889 00:48:51,959 --> 00:48:55,417 Sports has gotten 1890 00:48:51,959 --> 00:48:55,417 way confused in terms of power, 1891 00:48:55,417 --> 00:48:58,208 dominance, control, 1892 00:48:55,417 --> 00:48:58,208 a lack of moral clarity... 1893 00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,667 NEWS REPORTER: 1894 00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,667 Disturbing new details 1895 00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,667 about what happened 1896 00:49:00,667 --> 00:49:02,875 inside the locker room 1897 00:49:00,667 --> 00:49:02,875 at Sayerville High School. 1898 00:49:02,875 --> 00:49:05,917 They held four fellow 1899 00:49:02,875 --> 00:49:05,917 teammates against their will 1900 00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:08,417 and improperly touched them 1901 00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:08,417 in a sexual manner. 1902 00:49:08,417 --> 00:49:10,792 Racial slurs, 1903 00:49:08,417 --> 00:49:10,792 homophobic name-calling, 1904 00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,083 those are just a few 1905 00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,083 of the findings 1906 00:49:13,083 --> 00:49:16,458 on the atmosphere inside 1907 00:49:13,083 --> 00:49:16,458 the Miami Dolphins locker room. 1908 00:49:16,458 --> 00:49:19,750 We started the week, 1909 00:49:16,458 --> 00:49:19,750 players beating up women. 1910 00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:23,583 We ended the week with players 1911 00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:23,583 beating up children. 1912 00:49:23,583 --> 00:49:26,750 We are 1913 00:49:23,583 --> 00:49:26,750 in a very serious state here 1914 00:49:26,750 --> 00:49:28,917 in the National 1915 00:49:26,750 --> 00:49:28,917 Football League. 1916 00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,792 In a win-at-all-costs culture 1917 00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,792 it's strictly about 1918 00:49:31,792 --> 00:49:34,792 the win at the expense 1919 00:49:31,792 --> 00:49:34,792 of character development. 1920 00:49:34,792 --> 00:49:36,583 ♪ Oh! Oh! ♪ 1921 00:49:36,583 --> 00:49:39,917 ♪ You could try 1922 00:49:36,583 --> 00:49:39,917 and take us, oh, oh ♪ 1923 00:49:39,917 --> 00:49:43,417 ♪ But we're the gladiators, 1924 00:49:39,917 --> 00:49:43,417 oh, oh ♪ 1925 00:49:43,417 --> 00:49:46,542 ♪ Everyone a rager, 1926 00:49:43,417 --> 00:49:46,542 oh, oh ♪ 1927 00:49:46,542 --> 00:49:48,834 ♪ But secretly 1928 00:49:46,542 --> 00:49:48,834 they're saviors ♪ 1929 00:49:48,834 --> 00:49:52,625 ♪ Glory and gore 1930 00:49:48,834 --> 00:49:52,625 go hand in hand ♪ 1931 00:49:52,625 --> 00:49:54,542 ♪ That's why 1932 00:49:52,625 --> 00:49:54,542 we're making headlines ♪ 1933 00:49:54,542 --> 00:49:56,625 ♪ Oh! Oh! ♪ 1934 00:49:56,625 --> 00:49:59,792 ♪ You could try 1935 00:49:56,625 --> 00:49:59,792 and take us, oh oh ♪ 1936 00:49:59,792 --> 00:50:03,041 ♪ But victory's contagious ♪ 1937 00:50:07,041 --> 00:50:09,041 Drive, drive, block out, 1938 00:50:07,041 --> 00:50:09,041 block out, block out. 1939 00:50:09,041 --> 00:50:12,667 MAN: Set hut. 1940 00:50:09,041 --> 00:50:12,667 One, two, three, cut! 1941 00:50:12,667 --> 00:50:14,959 All right, good job, good job. 1942 00:50:12,667 --> 00:50:14,959 Ball's to your right. 1943 00:50:14,959 --> 00:50:16,750 EHRMANN: I think 1944 00:50:14,959 --> 00:50:16,750 the great myth in America 1945 00:50:16,750 --> 00:50:19,333 today is that 1946 00:50:16,750 --> 00:50:19,333 sports builds character, 1947 00:50:19,333 --> 00:50:21,125 but sports does not build 1948 00:50:19,333 --> 00:50:21,125 character 1949 00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:24,417 unless a coach intentionally 1950 00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:24,417 teaches it and models it. 1951 00:50:24,417 --> 00:50:26,166 When I did start coaching, 1952 00:50:26,166 --> 00:50:28,417 I didn't want to be 1953 00:50:26,166 --> 00:50:28,417 a transactional coach 1954 00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:31,125 using kids 1955 00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:31,125 for my own identity, 1956 00:50:31,125 --> 00:50:33,417 so I just started 1957 00:50:31,125 --> 00:50:33,417 with a very simple philosophy. 1958 00:50:33,417 --> 00:50:35,375 If you're going to be 1959 00:50:33,417 --> 00:50:35,375 a transformational coach, 1960 00:50:35,375 --> 00:50:37,875 you've got to know 1961 00:50:35,375 --> 00:50:37,875 what you're transforming. 1962 00:50:37,875 --> 00:50:42,125 I coach 1963 00:50:37,875 --> 00:50:42,125 to help boys become men 1964 00:50:37,875 --> 00:50:42,125 of empathy and integrity 1965 00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:45,208 who will be responsible 1966 00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:45,208 and change the world for good. 1967 00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:47,625 That's what sports 1968 00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:47,625 ought to be about. 1969 00:50:47,625 --> 00:50:50,709 And we've got a lot of work 1970 00:50:47,625 --> 00:50:50,709 to do in this country. 1971 00:50:52,834 --> 00:50:56,500 Many of our examples 1972 00:50:52,834 --> 00:50:56,500 of American masculinity, 1973 00:50:56,500 --> 00:51:00,333 be it in sports, military, 1974 00:50:56,500 --> 00:51:00,333 law enforcement, 1975 00:51:00,333 --> 00:51:04,083 the entertainment industry, 1976 00:51:00,333 --> 00:51:04,083 the men that men look up to, 1977 00:51:04,083 --> 00:51:07,875 a lot of what they're teaching 1978 00:51:04,083 --> 00:51:07,875 is domination, aggression. 1979 00:51:07,875 --> 00:51:12,083 They're these 1980 00:51:07,875 --> 00:51:12,083 hyper-masculine figures 1981 00:51:12,083 --> 00:51:14,041 that we try to adhere to. 1982 00:51:17,125 --> 00:51:20,542 ♪ Too tough ♪ 1983 00:51:20,542 --> 00:51:22,834 ♪ We won't break ♪ 1984 00:51:25,625 --> 00:51:27,625 ♪ Dark shadows ♪ 1985 00:51:27,625 --> 00:51:29,625 ♪ The young pros ♪ 1986 00:51:29,625 --> 00:51:33,375 ♪ They blow 1987 00:51:29,625 --> 00:51:33,375 and come back tenfold ♪ 1988 00:51:33,375 --> 00:51:39,834 ♪ We don't need ropes 1989 00:51:33,375 --> 00:51:39,834 to climb the walls you build ♪ 1990 00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:48,500 ♪ Ideas and passion 1991 00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:48,500 break the bricks with you ♪ 1992 00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:50,125 ♪ Man up ♪ 1993 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,667 ♪ Man up ♪ 1994 00:51:56,500 --> 00:51:57,959 ♪ Man up ♪ 1995 00:51:59,959 --> 00:52:01,959 ♪ Man up ♪ 1996 00:52:04,333 --> 00:52:06,917 ♪ Man up ♪ 1997 00:52:06,917 --> 00:52:09,917 The average boy 1998 00:52:06,917 --> 00:52:09,917 spends 40 hours a week 1999 00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:13,083 watching television, 2000 00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:13,083 sports, movies. 2001 00:52:13,083 --> 00:52:15,083 Fifteen hours a week 2002 00:52:13,083 --> 00:52:15,083 playing videogames, 2003 00:52:15,083 --> 00:52:16,625 and now what's new is, 2004 00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:20,417 2 hours in between those 2005 00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:20,417 other things watching porn. 2006 00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:22,291 The predominant 2007 00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:22,291 male archetypes 2008 00:52:22,291 --> 00:52:23,917 that we see in film 2009 00:52:22,291 --> 00:52:23,917 and television 2010 00:52:23,917 --> 00:52:26,166 and other forms 2011 00:52:23,917 --> 00:52:26,166 of popular culture, 2012 00:52:26,166 --> 00:52:28,125 are the strong silent guy 2013 00:52:28,125 --> 00:52:31,667 who is always in control 2014 00:52:28,125 --> 00:52:31,667 and is not emotional. 2015 00:52:31,667 --> 00:52:33,792 And then we have 2016 00:52:31,667 --> 00:52:33,792 the superhero character, 2017 00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:37,333 the hero character, engaging 2018 00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:37,333 in high levels of violence 2019 00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,208 in order to maintain 2020 00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,208 that control, 2021 00:52:39,208 --> 00:52:42,500 in order to achieve whatever 2022 00:52:39,208 --> 00:52:42,500 goal he has in front of him. 2023 00:52:42,500 --> 00:52:44,542 We also have 2024 00:52:42,500 --> 00:52:44,542 the archetype of the thug, 2025 00:52:44,542 --> 00:52:46,959 and this is predominantly 2026 00:52:44,542 --> 00:52:46,959 men of color, 2027 00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:50,959 who are pigeonholed 2028 00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:50,959 into much more violent roles. 2029 00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,125 And then we have 2030 00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,125 the man child, or the mook, 2031 00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:56,291 which is the male 2032 00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:56,291 who's in perpetual adolescence. 2033 00:52:56,291 --> 00:52:59,500 His body doesn't typically 2034 00:52:56,291 --> 00:52:59,500 have a lot of muscle, 2035 00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:02,041 but he tends to project 2036 00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:02,041 masculinity in other ways, 2037 00:53:02,041 --> 00:53:03,875 through the degradation 2038 00:53:02,041 --> 00:53:03,875 of women, 2039 00:53:03,875 --> 00:53:06,041 engaging 2040 00:53:03,875 --> 00:53:06,041 in high risk activities. 2041 00:53:06,041 --> 00:53:07,458 KIMMEL: All they want to do 2042 00:53:06,041 --> 00:53:07,458 is get laid, 2043 00:53:07,458 --> 00:53:09,458 and of course, at the end, 2044 00:53:07,458 --> 00:53:09,458 nobody gets anything, 2045 00:53:09,458 --> 00:53:11,709 because they get drunk, 2046 00:53:09,458 --> 00:53:11,709 they take drugs. 2047 00:53:11,709 --> 00:53:13,208 And there have been 2048 00:53:11,709 --> 00:53:13,208 a whole rash 2049 00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:15,375 of these movies recently 2050 00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:15,375 that are funny, 2051 00:53:15,375 --> 00:53:19,333 and so you're laughing 2052 00:53:15,375 --> 00:53:19,333 at what you could become. 2053 00:53:20,125 --> 00:53:21,750 What the fuck? 2054 00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:25,000 Of course we know 2055 00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:25,000 that media images 2056 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,500 have an effect 2057 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,500 on people's behavior. 2058 00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:29,083 If there was no effect, 2059 00:53:29,083 --> 00:53:31,417 the advertising industry 2060 00:53:29,083 --> 00:53:31,417 would collapse. 2061 00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,542 Because the advertising industry 2062 00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,542 is based on the idea 2063 00:53:33,542 --> 00:53:36,500 that media images will have 2064 00:53:33,542 --> 00:53:36,500 an effect on people's behavior. 2065 00:53:36,875 --> 00:53:38,333 The same kind 2066 00:53:36,875 --> 00:53:38,333 of hyper-masculinity 2067 00:53:38,333 --> 00:53:41,291 that we see in Hollywood movies 2068 00:53:38,333 --> 00:53:41,291 or on television 2069 00:53:41,291 --> 00:53:43,000 are the same kind 2070 00:53:41,291 --> 00:53:43,000 of hyper-violence 2071 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,375 that we see in rap music 2072 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,375 and hip-hop culture. 2073 00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:49,625 The stereotype of being 2074 00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:49,625 violent and dangerous, 2075 00:53:49,625 --> 00:53:51,375 selling drugs, 2076 00:53:49,625 --> 00:53:51,375 oversexed, 2077 00:53:51,375 --> 00:53:54,500 it's all about money, 2078 00:53:51,375 --> 00:53:54,500 power and respect. 2079 00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:56,417 A lot of rappers 2080 00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:56,417 are imitating 2081 00:53:56,417 --> 00:54:01,583 what they see 2082 00:53:56,417 --> 00:54:01,583 as successful masculinity. 2083 00:54:07,709 --> 00:54:09,250 Violent videogames reinforce 2084 00:54:09,250 --> 00:54:12,250 those stereotypical structures 2085 00:54:09,250 --> 00:54:12,250 of what a man should be. 2086 00:54:12,250 --> 00:54:16,458 The typical game character 2087 00:54:12,250 --> 00:54:16,458 tend to be white males with-- 2088 00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:19,208 it gets this specific-- 2089 00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:19,208 brunette hair, 2090 00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:19,208 five o'clock shadow. 2091 00:54:19,208 --> 00:54:21,875 When an emotion sneaks in 2092 00:54:19,208 --> 00:54:21,875 for a male character, 2093 00:54:21,875 --> 00:54:23,834 by and large, it is anger. 2094 00:54:23,834 --> 00:54:25,917 And any sort of grief 2095 00:54:23,834 --> 00:54:25,917 is very, very underplayed 2096 00:54:25,917 --> 00:54:28,166 and never actually discussed 2097 00:54:25,917 --> 00:54:28,166 or processed. 2098 00:54:28,166 --> 00:54:29,917 Kids end up really 2099 00:54:28,166 --> 00:54:29,917 looking up to this character. 2100 00:54:29,917 --> 00:54:31,917 And what they end up 2101 00:54:29,917 --> 00:54:31,917 idolizing is someone 2102 00:54:31,917 --> 00:54:34,917 who cannot express themselves 2103 00:54:31,917 --> 00:54:34,917 emotionally, 2104 00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:38,542 cannot be honest or open 2105 00:54:34,917 --> 00:54:38,542 with anyone around them. 2106 00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:40,208 ZIMBARDO: 2107 00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:40,208 When you play video games 2108 00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:42,125 and you see 2109 00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:42,125 the same kind of setup, 2110 00:54:42,125 --> 00:54:44,083 It loses it's impact on you 2111 00:54:44,083 --> 00:54:47,041 because you habituate 2112 00:54:44,083 --> 00:54:47,041 to the sameness. 2113 00:54:47,041 --> 00:54:48,917 The video game companies 2114 00:54:47,041 --> 00:54:48,917 know this 2115 00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:50,834 and they give you 2116 00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:50,834 endless variety-- 2117 00:54:50,834 --> 00:54:53,291 a new category, 2118 00:54:50,834 --> 00:54:53,291 a new challenge, 2119 00:54:53,291 --> 00:54:54,834 you're moving up ranks. 2120 00:54:54,834 --> 00:54:58,583 They are creating 2121 00:54:54,834 --> 00:54:58,583 this arousal addiction. 2122 00:54:58,583 --> 00:55:02,417 Boys' brains are being 2123 00:54:58,583 --> 00:55:02,417 digitally rewired 2124 00:54:58,583 --> 00:55:02,417 to this technology 2125 00:55:02,417 --> 00:55:04,917 where things happen like this-- 2126 00:55:02,417 --> 00:55:04,917 microseconds. 2127 00:55:09,667 --> 00:55:11,750 The ones 2128 00:55:09,667 --> 00:55:11,750 that are most addictive 2129 00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:13,959 are the most violent, 2130 00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:13,959 where your job 2131 00:55:13,959 --> 00:55:16,834 is to destroy the enemy, 2132 00:55:13,959 --> 00:55:16,834 to dominate. 2133 00:55:16,834 --> 00:55:18,166 If you don't have 2134 00:55:16,834 --> 00:55:18,166 social connection 2135 00:55:18,166 --> 00:55:19,625 and you don't have 2136 00:55:18,166 --> 00:55:19,625 a lot of friends, 2137 00:55:19,625 --> 00:55:20,792 or you have 2138 00:55:19,625 --> 00:55:20,792 a crappy home life, 2139 00:55:20,792 --> 00:55:22,083 you can escape into a game. 2140 00:55:22,083 --> 00:55:23,375 And you don't have to worry 2141 00:55:23,375 --> 00:55:25,375 because 2142 00:55:23,375 --> 00:55:25,375 you're saving the galaxy. 2143 00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:28,709 If your kid sits 2144 00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:28,709 in front of a screen 2145 00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:28,709 for 4 hours a day 2146 00:55:28,709 --> 00:55:31,000 and shoots and kills 2147 00:55:28,709 --> 00:55:31,000 in a repetitive, 2148 00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,792 violent way, 2149 00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,792 hundreds of people, 2150 00:55:32,792 --> 00:55:35,792 there's a good chance 2151 00:55:32,792 --> 00:55:35,792 that kid is going to be 2152 00:55:32,792 --> 00:55:35,792 impacted by that. 2153 00:55:47,333 --> 00:55:50,250 There's a reason 2154 00:55:47,333 --> 00:55:50,250 the US Army trains people 2155 00:55:50,250 --> 00:55:52,792 for combat 2156 00:55:50,250 --> 00:55:52,792 by using video games. 2157 00:55:52,792 --> 00:55:53,959 It's because 2158 00:55:52,792 --> 00:55:53,959 it gets them used to 2159 00:55:53,959 --> 00:55:55,000 some of the experiences. 2160 00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:56,792 Well, put your 10- or 11- 2161 00:55:56,792 --> 00:55:58,625 or 12-year-old son 2162 00:55:56,792 --> 00:55:58,625 in that context. 2163 00:55:58,625 --> 00:56:01,375 But they're not going 2164 00:55:58,625 --> 00:56:01,375 into Iraq or Afghanistan. 2165 00:56:01,375 --> 00:56:02,583 And if they happen to live 2166 00:56:02,583 --> 00:56:04,208 in a more dangerous 2167 00:56:02,583 --> 00:56:04,208 neighborhood, 2168 00:56:04,208 --> 00:56:05,834 or a neighborhood 2169 00:56:04,208 --> 00:56:05,834 where they're exposed 2170 00:56:05,834 --> 00:56:07,500 to violence more routinely 2171 00:56:05,834 --> 00:56:07,500 than they might be 2172 00:56:07,500 --> 00:56:08,792 in some fancy part of town, 2173 00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,250 then that's gonna be 2174 00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,250 a bigger issue. 2175 00:56:10,250 --> 00:56:13,125 I share this story with my kids: 2176 00:56:10,250 --> 00:56:13,125 garbage in, garbage out. 2177 00:56:13,125 --> 00:56:16,333 Wake up in the morning, 2178 00:56:13,125 --> 00:56:16,333 it's Friday. They're going 2179 00:56:13,125 --> 00:56:16,333 to a party that night. 2180 00:56:16,333 --> 00:56:18,667 They supposed to be at school, 2181 00:56:16,333 --> 00:56:18,667 they woke up late, 2182 00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:22,125 but the first thing 2183 00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:22,125 that they turn on 2184 00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:22,125 is the radio or their CD. 2185 00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:26,500 And the song is, 2186 00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:26,500 ( beatboxing ) 2187 00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:26,500 ♪ Kill a motherfucker ♪ 2188 00:56:26,500 --> 00:56:28,166 ♪ Kill a motherfucker 2189 00:56:26,500 --> 00:56:28,166 twice ♪ 2190 00:56:28,166 --> 00:56:30,583 Now, while they're playing 2191 00:56:28,166 --> 00:56:30,583 their video game, 2192 00:56:30,583 --> 00:56:33,083 it's "kill a motherfucker." 2193 00:56:33,083 --> 00:56:36,750 Then, they drinking or using 2194 00:56:36,750 --> 00:56:39,083 some type of substance 2195 00:56:36,750 --> 00:56:39,083 before the party. 2196 00:56:39,083 --> 00:56:41,375 I tell them there's going to be 2197 00:56:39,083 --> 00:56:41,375 50 guys at the party, 2198 00:56:41,375 --> 00:56:44,000 all of them who listen 2199 00:56:41,375 --> 00:56:44,000 to the same song you did, 2200 00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,291 all of them who played 2201 00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,291 the same video games you did, 2202 00:56:46,291 --> 00:56:49,208 all of them who took up 2203 00:56:46,291 --> 00:56:49,208 on the same drugs that you did, 2204 00:56:49,208 --> 00:56:51,709 all of them who had 2205 00:56:49,208 --> 00:56:51,709 the same armament that you have, 2206 00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:53,792 and then soon 2207 00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:53,792 as I walk in the party 2208 00:56:53,792 --> 00:56:55,709 and accidentally 2209 00:56:53,792 --> 00:56:55,709 step on your foot 2210 00:56:55,709 --> 00:56:58,625 at the same time 2211 00:56:55,709 --> 00:56:58,625 the DJ puts on the turntable 2212 00:56:55,709 --> 00:56:58,625 "Kill a motherfucker," 2213 00:56:58,625 --> 00:57:01,583 what's going to happen 2214 00:56:58,625 --> 00:57:01,583 at that party? 2215 00:56:58,625 --> 00:57:01,583 Somebody gonna die. 2216 00:57:01,583 --> 00:57:04,166 ♪ Got blood on my hands 2217 00:57:01,583 --> 00:57:04,166 I got time to kill ♪ 2218 00:57:04,166 --> 00:57:06,375 ♪ I'm a menace to society, 2219 00:57:04,166 --> 00:57:06,375 yeah ♪ 2220 00:57:06,375 --> 00:57:07,917 ♪ When you see me 2221 00:57:06,375 --> 00:57:07,917 in your hood ♪ 2222 00:57:07,917 --> 00:57:09,083 ♪ Bet I'm up to no good ♪ 2223 00:57:09,083 --> 00:57:11,417 ♪ I'm a menace to society, 2224 00:57:09,083 --> 00:57:11,417 yeah ♪ 2225 00:57:11,417 --> 00:57:14,208 ♪ I'm a menace to society, 2226 00:57:11,417 --> 00:57:14,208 yeah ♪ 2227 00:57:14,625 --> 00:57:15,875 HELDMAN: 2228 00:57:14,625 --> 00:57:15,875 The Surgeon General 2229 00:57:15,875 --> 00:57:18,125 put together a task force 2230 00:57:15,875 --> 00:57:18,125 to study this. 2231 00:57:18,125 --> 00:57:19,583 Three major findings, 2232 00:57:19,583 --> 00:57:22,250 which have been replicated 2233 00:57:19,583 --> 00:57:22,250 hundreds of times since, 2234 00:57:22,250 --> 00:57:25,750 that exposure to violent media 2235 00:57:22,250 --> 00:57:25,750 often leads little boys 2236 00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:28,542 to be less sensitive to the 2237 00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:28,542 pain and suffering of others, 2238 00:57:28,542 --> 00:57:30,583 it leads them to be 2239 00:57:28,542 --> 00:57:30,583 more fearful of the world, 2240 00:57:30,583 --> 00:57:32,875 and it leads them 2241 00:57:30,583 --> 00:57:32,875 to engage in behaviors 2242 00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417 that are more aggressive 2243 00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417 towards others 2244 00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417 and towards themselves. 2245 00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:37,917 They're not the only things 2246 00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:37,917 that cause violence 2247 00:57:37,917 --> 00:57:39,959 with young people 2248 00:57:37,917 --> 00:57:39,959 and with adult men, 2249 00:57:40,625 --> 00:57:42,834 but they're pretty 2250 00:57:40,625 --> 00:57:42,834 potent predictors. 2251 00:57:49,709 --> 00:57:53,000 Childhood is a sequence 2252 00:57:49,709 --> 00:57:53,000 of revealed secrets. 2253 00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:56,709 Today, there is no sequence 2254 00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:56,709 of revealed secrets. 2255 00:57:56,709 --> 00:57:59,000 Kids are exposed to porn 2256 00:57:56,709 --> 00:57:59,000 at age 5 or 6 2257 00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:00,458 because they're 2258 00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:00,458 in the middle of a video game 2259 00:58:00,458 --> 00:58:01,625 and something pops up 2260 00:58:01,625 --> 00:58:03,333 or they click 2261 00:58:01,625 --> 00:58:03,333 on the wrong website. 2262 00:58:14,542 --> 00:58:16,291 I started seeing it 2263 00:58:14,542 --> 00:58:16,291 more and more, 2264 00:58:16,291 --> 00:58:17,834 I started seeing it 2265 00:58:16,291 --> 00:58:17,834 in other places, 2266 00:58:17,834 --> 00:58:20,375 like music, pictures, 2267 00:58:17,834 --> 00:58:20,375 magazines. 2268 00:58:34,166 --> 00:58:37,291 With my group of friends, 2269 00:58:34,166 --> 00:58:37,291 it's more taboo to talk about, 2270 00:58:37,291 --> 00:58:39,291 it's kind of like 2271 00:58:37,291 --> 00:58:39,291 something like, okay, 2272 00:58:39,291 --> 00:58:40,959 everyone knows that 2273 00:58:39,291 --> 00:58:40,959 I'll watch it, 2274 00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:42,250 but let's just like 2275 00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:42,250 not talk about it, 2276 00:58:42,250 --> 00:58:44,000 because 2277 00:58:42,250 --> 00:58:44,000 it's extremely awkward. 2278 00:58:44,959 --> 00:58:48,000 Ladies, your man is nastier 2279 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,625 than you ever imagined. 2280 00:58:50,625 --> 00:58:56,041 Your man has been watching porno 2281 00:58:50,625 --> 00:58:56,041 since he was 12 years old. 2282 00:59:05,125 --> 00:59:07,291 Because of abstinence-only 2283 00:59:05,125 --> 00:59:07,291 sex education, 2284 00:59:07,291 --> 00:59:09,208 because of 2285 00:59:07,291 --> 00:59:09,208 the unbelievable shame 2286 00:59:09,208 --> 00:59:12,041 that our culture has 2287 00:59:09,208 --> 00:59:12,041 around sexuality, 2288 00:59:12,041 --> 00:59:14,625 pornography is sex education 2289 00:59:12,041 --> 00:59:14,625 for most people. 2290 00:59:19,875 --> 00:59:23,333 At the touch of a button, 2291 00:59:19,875 --> 00:59:23,333 anybody, at any age, 2292 00:59:23,333 --> 00:59:27,333 anywhere in the world, 2293 00:59:23,333 --> 00:59:27,333 can have a panoply 2294 00:59:27,333 --> 00:59:31,333 of sexual experiences-- 2295 00:59:27,333 --> 00:59:31,333 visual sexual experiences. 2296 00:59:31,333 --> 00:59:33,458 Your brain is being affected. 2297 00:59:33,458 --> 00:59:36,083 Dopamine receptors 2298 00:59:33,458 --> 00:59:36,083 are being over-activated 2299 00:59:36,083 --> 00:59:39,709 and you get addicted 2300 00:59:36,083 --> 00:59:39,709 to this visual stimulation. 2301 00:59:39,709 --> 00:59:43,667 And the problem is the excess, 2302 00:59:39,709 --> 00:59:43,667 and it's in social isolation. 2303 00:59:43,667 --> 00:59:46,750 Jimmy is in his room alone 2304 00:59:43,667 --> 00:59:46,750 doing this. 2305 00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:49,500 He's cutting himself off 2306 00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:49,500 from friends, family, 2307 00:59:49,500 --> 00:59:52,834 and knowing how to relate 2308 00:59:49,500 --> 00:59:52,834 to girls and women. 2309 00:59:52,834 --> 00:59:56,041 If you're a teenager, 2310 00:59:52,834 --> 00:59:56,041 who's had no sexual experience, 2311 00:59:56,041 --> 00:59:58,375 this becomes 2312 00:59:56,041 --> 00:59:58,375 the social norm. 2313 00:59:58,375 --> 01:00:01,792 And the assumption is 2314 00:59:58,375 --> 01:00:01,792 this is what is right to do, 2315 01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:03,959 this is what women want 2316 01:00:03,959 --> 01:00:06,792 and this is how men 2317 01:00:03,959 --> 01:00:06,792 are supposed to perform. 2318 01:00:06,792 --> 01:00:10,125 And all of those are wrong. 2319 01:00:10,125 --> 01:00:12,959 The way that boys and men 2320 01:00:10,125 --> 01:00:12,959 have been trained to think about 2321 01:00:12,959 --> 01:00:17,291 and objectify women's bodies 2322 01:00:12,959 --> 01:00:17,291 and purchase women's bodies, 2323 01:00:17,291 --> 01:00:20,291 whether it's directly 2324 01:00:17,291 --> 01:00:20,291 in prostitution 2325 01:00:20,291 --> 01:00:22,834 or indirectly in pornography, 2326 01:00:20,291 --> 01:00:22,834 and somehow 2327 01:00:22,834 --> 01:00:25,917 that has no relation to how they 2328 01:00:22,834 --> 01:00:25,917 think about themselves 2329 01:00:25,917 --> 01:00:27,542 as sexual beings 2330 01:00:25,917 --> 01:00:27,542 and women's sexuality? 2331 01:00:27,542 --> 01:00:29,625 To me it's naive to think 2332 01:00:27,542 --> 01:00:29,625 that there's no connection. 2333 01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:31,625 It seemed like 2334 01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:31,625 they were attacking her. 2335 01:00:31,625 --> 01:00:33,750 And it didn't make 2336 01:00:31,625 --> 01:00:33,750 any sense to me as to, 2337 01:00:33,750 --> 01:00:34,959 is this the actual thing? 2338 01:00:34,959 --> 01:00:36,333 Like does this 2339 01:00:34,959 --> 01:00:36,333 actually happen? 2340 01:00:47,375 --> 01:00:49,792 I think we have to be 2341 01:00:47,375 --> 01:00:49,792 honest with our sons 2342 01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:52,959 that our culture 2343 01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:52,959 is sending mixed messages 2344 01:00:49,792 --> 01:00:52,959 all over the place. 2345 01:00:52,959 --> 01:00:55,458 Boys might be 2346 01:00:52,959 --> 01:00:55,458 going to pornography 2347 01:00:55,458 --> 01:00:57,291 because they have 2348 01:00:55,458 --> 01:00:57,291 the sexual impulse, 2349 01:00:57,291 --> 01:00:59,709 but what they get when they 2350 01:00:57,291 --> 01:00:59,709 get there is not just sex. 2351 01:00:59,709 --> 01:01:02,792 It's incredible levels 2352 01:00:59,709 --> 01:01:02,792 of normalized brutality 2353 01:01:02,792 --> 01:01:06,291 and sexism that's associated 2354 01:01:02,792 --> 01:01:06,291 with the sexual act. 2355 01:01:06,291 --> 01:01:08,166 Somehow those boys 2356 01:01:06,291 --> 01:01:08,166 are supposed to develop 2357 01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:10,291 healthy sexual relationships 2358 01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:10,291 with girls and with women? 2359 01:01:22,625 --> 01:01:24,083 We have a rape culture. 2360 01:01:24,083 --> 01:01:26,250 What that means is that 2361 01:01:24,083 --> 01:01:26,250 individual rapists 2362 01:01:26,250 --> 01:01:28,291 aren't just 2363 01:01:26,250 --> 01:01:28,291 crawling out of the swamp, 2364 01:01:28,291 --> 01:01:30,834 they're being produced 2365 01:01:28,291 --> 01:01:30,834 by our culture. 2366 01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:34,333 Two star high school 2367 01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:34,333 football players 2368 01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:34,333 have been found guilty 2369 01:01:34,333 --> 01:01:36,125 of raping 2370 01:01:34,333 --> 01:01:36,125 a West Virginia teenager. 2371 01:01:36,125 --> 01:01:37,542 A freshman at Stanford 2372 01:01:36,125 --> 01:01:37,542 University 2373 01:01:37,542 --> 01:01:39,500 and a member 2374 01:01:37,542 --> 01:01:39,500 of the swim team 2375 01:01:39,500 --> 01:01:42,208 was accused of raping 2376 01:01:39,500 --> 01:01:42,208 a drunk unconscious woman. 2377 01:01:42,208 --> 01:01:45,041 Two cyclists witnessed him 2378 01:01:42,208 --> 01:01:45,041 raping the woman, 2379 01:01:45,041 --> 01:01:46,709 they chased him down 2380 01:01:45,041 --> 01:01:46,709 and called police. 2381 01:01:46,709 --> 01:01:49,208 Former Vanderbilt 2382 01:01:46,709 --> 01:01:49,208 football players are convicted 2383 01:01:49,208 --> 01:01:51,208 of raping 2384 01:01:49,208 --> 01:01:51,208 an unconscious classmate 2385 01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,333 in the Vanderbilt dorm room 2386 01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,333 on campus 2387 01:01:53,333 --> 01:01:56,041 and then taking video 2388 01:01:53,333 --> 01:01:56,041 with their phones. 2389 01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:59,625 As a young man, 2390 01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:59,625 you're taught 2391 01:01:59,625 --> 01:02:02,417 a man is supposed to 2392 01:01:59,625 --> 01:02:02,417 always be on the prowl. 2393 01:02:02,417 --> 01:02:04,917 A man is supposed to 2394 01:02:02,417 --> 01:02:04,917 always be aggressive. 2395 01:02:04,917 --> 01:02:06,875 They say things like, 2396 01:02:06,875 --> 01:02:10,750 "Who's that? 2397 01:02:06,875 --> 01:02:10,750 I'd like to hit that. 2398 01:02:10,750 --> 01:02:14,083 I'd like a piece of that. 2399 01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,375 I'd like to tear 2400 01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,375 that shit up." 2401 01:02:16,375 --> 01:02:19,583 So think about it: 2402 01:02:16,375 --> 01:02:19,583 "Hit." Violence. 2403 01:02:19,583 --> 01:02:21,709 "Tear." Violence. 2404 01:02:21,709 --> 01:02:23,750 "It." Object. 2405 01:02:23,750 --> 01:02:25,709 "That." Object. 2406 01:02:25,709 --> 01:02:29,291 We're actually teaching them, 2407 01:02:25,709 --> 01:02:29,291 consciously and subconsciously, 2408 01:02:29,291 --> 01:02:33,750 on purpose or not, not to see 2409 01:02:29,291 --> 01:02:33,750 the humanity in girls. 2410 01:02:40,542 --> 01:02:44,250 We live in a world, 2411 01:02:40,542 --> 01:02:44,250 right here in our country, 2412 01:02:44,250 --> 01:02:46,208 where men's violence 2413 01:02:44,250 --> 01:02:46,208 against women 2414 01:02:46,208 --> 01:02:48,792 is at epidemic proportions. 2415 01:02:53,667 --> 01:02:55,125 IAN: 2416 01:02:53,667 --> 01:02:55,125 My first year in high school, 2417 01:02:55,125 --> 01:02:58,917 I was going to a dance 2418 01:02:55,125 --> 01:02:58,917 with a woman. 2419 01:02:58,917 --> 01:03:01,667 And I was standing 2420 01:02:58,917 --> 01:03:01,667 next to a guy, 2421 01:03:01,667 --> 01:03:04,792 and she was walking away 2422 01:03:01,667 --> 01:03:04,792 after talking to me. 2423 01:03:04,792 --> 01:03:08,208 And she was wearing 2424 01:03:04,792 --> 01:03:08,208 fairly tight pants. 2425 01:03:08,208 --> 01:03:10,000 And he said, 2426 01:03:08,208 --> 01:03:10,000 "Oh, now I understand 2427 01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,583 why someone would 2428 01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,583 rape someone." 2429 01:03:12,583 --> 01:03:16,750 The way in which 2430 01:03:12,583 --> 01:03:16,750 I've experienced men talk, 2431 01:03:16,750 --> 01:03:20,083 oftentimes it involves 2432 01:03:16,750 --> 01:03:20,083 doing things to women 2433 01:03:20,083 --> 01:03:23,542 that don't seem like 2434 01:03:20,083 --> 01:03:23,542 they're particularly consensual. 2435 01:03:25,959 --> 01:03:27,458 When I went to college, 2436 01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:30,834 there was this pressure 2437 01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:30,834 to engage in hookup culture. 2438 01:03:30,834 --> 01:03:34,625 Alcohol was this tool 2439 01:03:30,834 --> 01:03:34,625 for me to be assertive 2440 01:03:34,625 --> 01:03:40,041 and aggressive and predatory, 2441 01:03:34,625 --> 01:03:40,041 to find women to have sex with, 2442 01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:43,125 so that I could go back 2443 01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:43,125 and impress other men with it. 2444 01:03:43,834 --> 01:03:45,917 Particularly around 2445 01:03:43,834 --> 01:03:45,917 just other guys, 2446 01:03:45,917 --> 01:03:47,709 you're always 2447 01:03:45,917 --> 01:03:47,709 one-upping the other person, 2448 01:03:47,709 --> 01:03:51,041 talking about a woman's ass 2449 01:03:47,709 --> 01:03:51,041 or her breasts. 2450 01:03:51,041 --> 01:03:53,291 There's an implied sense that 2451 01:03:53,291 --> 01:03:55,792 women exist for us 2452 01:03:53,291 --> 01:03:55,792 to have sex with them. 2453 01:03:55,792 --> 01:03:57,625 They exist for us. 2454 01:03:57,625 --> 01:04:03,166 I don't think that we think 2455 01:03:57,625 --> 01:04:03,166 about the implications of that. 2456 01:04:18,709 --> 01:04:21,792 I call what we do 2457 01:04:18,709 --> 01:04:21,792 to our little boys and men 2458 01:04:21,792 --> 01:04:23,166 "the great setup." 2459 01:04:23,166 --> 01:04:25,125 We raise boys to become men 2460 01:04:25,125 --> 01:04:28,583 whose very identity is based 2461 01:04:25,125 --> 01:04:28,583 on rejecting the feminine, 2462 01:04:28,583 --> 01:04:30,166 and then we are surprised 2463 01:04:30,166 --> 01:04:33,125 when they don't see women 2464 01:04:30,166 --> 01:04:33,125 as being fully human. 2465 01:04:33,125 --> 01:04:34,291 So we set them up. 2466 01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:37,417 We set boys up 2467 01:04:34,291 --> 01:04:37,417 to grow into men 2468 01:04:37,417 --> 01:04:40,041 who disrespect women 2469 01:04:37,417 --> 01:04:40,041 at a fundamental level 2470 01:04:40,041 --> 01:04:42,834 and then we wonder why we have 2471 01:04:40,041 --> 01:04:42,834 the culture that we have. 2472 01:04:45,583 --> 01:04:46,625 KIMMEL: 2473 01:04:45,583 --> 01:04:46,625 Basically what you have 2474 01:04:46,625 --> 01:04:48,875 on college campuses 2475 01:04:46,625 --> 01:04:48,875 is young men 2476 01:04:48,875 --> 01:04:51,458 desperate to prove 2477 01:04:48,875 --> 01:04:51,458 their masculinity, 2478 01:04:51,458 --> 01:04:54,625 so you have 18-year-olds trying 2479 01:04:51,458 --> 01:04:54,625 to prove it to 19 year olds. 2480 01:04:54,625 --> 01:04:56,417 That's a recipe for failure. 2481 01:04:57,834 --> 01:05:00,792 The hooking up, 2482 01:04:57,834 --> 01:05:00,792 the initiations, the hazing-- 2483 01:05:00,792 --> 01:05:03,667 what do they get in return? 2484 01:05:00,792 --> 01:05:03,667 They get two things. 2485 01:05:03,667 --> 01:05:06,000 These are the bonds 2486 01:05:03,667 --> 01:05:06,000 that are the most impermeable, 2487 01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:07,709 the ones that will 2488 01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:07,709 last you a lifetime, 2489 01:05:07,709 --> 01:05:11,500 and you also get the feeling 2490 01:05:07,709 --> 01:05:11,500 that girls can't do this. 2491 01:05:11,500 --> 01:05:15,542 So you get both, horizontal 2492 01:05:11,500 --> 01:05:15,542 solidarity with your bros, 2493 01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:19,250 and hierarchy-- 2494 01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:19,250 men are superior to women. 2495 01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:23,667 The most important dicta 2496 01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:23,667 of the Bro Code 2497 01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:25,792 is you never rat out 2498 01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:25,792 the brotherhood. 2499 01:05:25,792 --> 01:05:28,917 You never, ever, 2500 01:05:25,792 --> 01:05:28,917 betray that brotherhood, 2501 01:05:28,917 --> 01:05:34,667 so this leads to the notion 2502 01:05:28,917 --> 01:05:34,667 that surrounding bad things, 2503 01:05:34,667 --> 01:05:36,792 there's a code of silence. 2504 01:05:36,792 --> 01:05:39,208 What happens is, 2505 01:05:36,792 --> 01:05:39,208 their heads and their hearts 2506 01:05:39,208 --> 01:05:41,542 actually come into conflict 2507 01:05:41,542 --> 01:05:43,417 because their hearts 2508 01:05:41,542 --> 01:05:43,417 may be saying, 2509 01:05:43,417 --> 01:05:46,333 "This is wrong. 2510 01:05:43,417 --> 01:05:46,333 I know this is wrong. 2511 01:05:46,333 --> 01:05:49,417 My ethical compass tells me 2512 01:05:46,333 --> 01:05:49,417 this is wrong. 2513 01:05:49,417 --> 01:05:50,917 I should do 2514 01:05:49,417 --> 01:05:50,917 something about it. 2515 01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:52,917 A man would act." 2516 01:05:52,917 --> 01:05:55,083 And on the other hand, 2517 01:05:52,917 --> 01:05:55,083 "But these are my bros. 2518 01:05:55,083 --> 01:05:56,333 I can't betray them. 2519 01:05:56,333 --> 01:05:59,500 If I do, 2520 01:05:56,333 --> 01:05:59,500 they'll marginalize me." 2521 01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:02,709 This is the fear 2522 01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:02,709 that so many men have 2523 01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:05,750 that keeps them 2524 01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:05,750 from acting ethically. 2525 01:06:05,750 --> 01:06:08,875 A girl was repeatedly attacked 2526 01:06:05,750 --> 01:06:08,875 for two and a half hours 2527 01:06:08,875 --> 01:06:11,375 and as many as 20 people 2528 01:06:08,875 --> 01:06:11,375 either took part 2529 01:06:11,375 --> 01:06:12,625 or stood by and watched. 2530 01:06:12,625 --> 01:06:14,750 Many did not step up to help, 2531 01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:17,417 but nearly all got out 2532 01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:17,417 their cell phones 2533 01:06:17,417 --> 01:06:19,417 and started snapping pictures 2534 01:06:17,417 --> 01:06:19,417 and Tweeting. 2535 01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:22,291 MAN: 2536 01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:22,291 Three top Penn State officials 2537 01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:22,291 are likely to stand trial 2538 01:06:22,291 --> 01:06:25,583 on charges they covered up 2539 01:06:22,291 --> 01:06:25,583 years of Sandusky's abuse. 2540 01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:28,166 Another adult man 2541 01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:28,166 has now resigned 2542 01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:31,125 amid accusations 2543 01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:31,125 he knew there was a problem 2544 01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:31,125 and did nothing. 2545 01:06:31,125 --> 01:06:33,709 Intentionally or by neglect, 2546 01:06:31,125 --> 01:06:33,709 the Baltimore Ravens, 2547 01:06:33,709 --> 01:06:36,208 the National Football League, 2548 01:06:33,709 --> 01:06:36,208 and Commissioner Roger Goodell 2549 01:06:36,208 --> 01:06:39,458 have conducted a cover-up 2550 01:06:36,208 --> 01:06:39,458 of Ray Rice's brutal assault 2551 01:06:39,458 --> 01:06:41,542 on his then-fiancée 2552 01:06:39,458 --> 01:06:41,542 on February 15. 2553 01:06:41,542 --> 01:06:43,166 MAN 1: The severity 2554 01:06:41,542 --> 01:06:43,166 of Rice's attack 2555 01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,333 was clear almost immediately 2556 01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,333 after the assault. 2557 01:06:45,333 --> 01:06:47,458 MAN 2: 2558 01:06:45,333 --> 01:06:47,458 The NFL did have the evidence 2559 01:06:47,458 --> 01:06:48,834 that the police department did. 2560 01:06:48,834 --> 01:06:51,333 The league 2561 01:06:48,834 --> 01:06:51,333 is still not responding. 2562 01:06:51,333 --> 01:06:54,125 There are forces at work 2563 01:06:51,333 --> 01:06:54,125 in male peer culture 2564 01:06:54,125 --> 01:06:55,542 that keep men silent, 2565 01:06:55,542 --> 01:06:57,625 even men who know 2566 01:06:55,542 --> 01:06:57,625 that something is wrong, 2567 01:06:57,625 --> 01:06:59,291 they don't say anything 2568 01:06:57,625 --> 01:06:59,291 or do anything 2569 01:06:59,291 --> 01:07:02,125 because they 2570 01:06:59,291 --> 01:07:02,125 make a calculation 2571 01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:03,625 that if they say 2572 01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:03,625 or do something, 2573 01:07:03,625 --> 01:07:05,792 it'll lose them status 2574 01:07:03,625 --> 01:07:05,792 within their peer culture. 2575 01:07:05,792 --> 01:07:08,083 There's a choice. 2576 01:07:08,083 --> 01:07:11,709 And many times the choice 2577 01:07:08,083 --> 01:07:11,709 is rooted in our privilege. 2578 01:07:11,709 --> 01:07:15,500 So while we as good men 2579 01:07:11,709 --> 01:07:15,500 don't perpetrate the violence, 2580 01:07:15,500 --> 01:07:18,792 we are part 2581 01:07:15,500 --> 01:07:18,792 of the collective socialization, 2582 01:07:18,792 --> 01:07:20,667 the fertile ground 2583 01:07:18,792 --> 01:07:20,667 that's required 2584 01:07:20,667 --> 01:07:22,875 for the violence to exist. 2585 01:07:31,875 --> 01:07:35,917 I worked for 10 years 2586 01:07:31,875 --> 01:07:35,917 in the jails of San Francisco 2587 01:07:35,917 --> 01:07:38,000 in a program 2588 01:07:35,917 --> 01:07:38,000 that included a project 2589 01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:40,834 to deconstruct 2590 01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:40,834 and reconstruct 2591 01:07:40,834 --> 01:07:43,667 what we call 2592 01:07:40,834 --> 01:07:43,667 the male role belief system, 2593 01:07:43,667 --> 01:07:45,375 to which I think 2594 01:07:43,667 --> 01:07:45,375 virtually all men 2595 01:07:45,375 --> 01:07:47,667 in our society are exposed. 2596 01:07:47,667 --> 01:07:51,792 Men are defined as superior, 2597 01:07:47,667 --> 01:07:51,792 and women as inferior. 2598 01:07:51,792 --> 01:07:55,250 And to be a real man, 2599 01:07:51,792 --> 01:07:55,250 you also dominate other men. 2600 01:07:55,250 --> 01:07:57,834 So in other words, 2601 01:07:55,250 --> 01:07:57,834 this is a recipe for violence. 2602 01:08:04,208 --> 01:08:08,542 My mom gave birth to me 4 days 2603 01:08:04,208 --> 01:08:08,542 before her 17th birthday, 2604 01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,291 and so she was 2605 01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,291 a young girl 2606 01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:14,000 and she projected 2607 01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:14,000 a lot of that trauma on to me. 2608 01:08:15,208 --> 01:08:16,709 My mother had like this, 2609 01:08:16,709 --> 01:08:18,750 like just a rage 2610 01:08:16,709 --> 01:08:18,750 towards me to this day. 2611 01:08:18,750 --> 01:08:20,417 And I remember her 2612 01:08:18,750 --> 01:08:20,417 kicking me down the hallway 2613 01:08:20,417 --> 01:08:22,750 and choking me 2614 01:08:20,417 --> 01:08:22,750 and slapping me. 2615 01:08:22,750 --> 01:08:24,375 And... 2616 01:08:24,375 --> 01:08:27,750 and the worst part about this 2617 01:08:24,375 --> 01:08:27,750 was not the physical part of it, 2618 01:08:27,750 --> 01:08:30,750 'cause that was normal 2619 01:08:27,750 --> 01:08:30,750 for me at that time. 2620 01:08:30,750 --> 01:08:35,709 It was afterwards she took 2621 01:08:30,750 --> 01:08:35,709 a Polaroid picture of me... 2622 01:08:35,709 --> 01:08:37,083 crying. 2623 01:08:37,083 --> 01:08:38,875 And I don't remember 2624 01:08:37,083 --> 01:08:38,875 her exact words, 2625 01:08:38,875 --> 01:08:41,792 but I remember 2626 01:08:38,875 --> 01:08:41,792 her shaming me. 2627 01:08:41,792 --> 01:08:43,834 And I couldn't figure out 2628 01:08:41,792 --> 01:08:43,834 what it was 2629 01:08:43,834 --> 01:08:46,250 that was so wrong 2630 01:08:43,834 --> 01:08:46,250 with me, that... 2631 01:08:46,250 --> 01:08:49,583 why, especially at that age, 2632 01:08:46,250 --> 01:08:49,583 why did I deserve this? 2633 01:08:57,625 --> 01:09:02,625 I was molested 2634 01:08:57,625 --> 01:09:02,625 by one of my siblings' father. 2635 01:09:02,625 --> 01:09:06,083 He took me into his bedroom, 2636 01:09:02,625 --> 01:09:06,083 closed the door 2637 01:09:06,083 --> 01:09:07,750 and then I remember 2638 01:09:06,083 --> 01:09:07,750 questioning in my mind like, 2639 01:09:07,750 --> 01:09:09,750 why did he close the door? 2640 01:09:09,750 --> 01:09:14,000 He asked me to pull down 2641 01:09:09,750 --> 01:09:14,000 my pants and, uh... 2642 01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:17,625 I remember pulling down my pants 2643 01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:17,625 and then my underwear 2644 01:09:17,625 --> 01:09:20,041 and he just looked at me 2645 01:09:17,625 --> 01:09:20,041 for a while. 2646 01:09:27,041 --> 01:09:28,208 And, uh... 2647 01:09:29,291 --> 01:09:31,709 and then he touched me. 2648 01:09:38,667 --> 01:09:41,125 I eventually told my mom 2649 01:09:38,667 --> 01:09:41,125 and she didn't believe me, 2650 01:09:41,125 --> 01:09:42,667 which made it worse. 2651 01:09:42,667 --> 01:09:46,792 I felt guilt around it, um... 2652 01:09:46,792 --> 01:09:49,250 that I should have 2653 01:09:46,792 --> 01:09:49,250 somehow-- 2654 01:09:49,250 --> 01:09:51,166 I should have known better. 2655 01:09:51,166 --> 01:09:53,750 I knew that I was suicidal. 2656 01:09:53,750 --> 01:09:57,458 Um...I was a cutter. 2657 01:09:58,458 --> 01:10:01,000 Once I was hospitalized 2658 01:09:58,458 --> 01:10:01,000 for swallowing 2659 01:10:01,000 --> 01:10:05,417 an entire bottle 2660 01:10:01,000 --> 01:10:05,417 of my aunt's prescription pills. 2661 01:10:05,417 --> 01:10:08,041 I didn't feel that 2662 01:10:05,417 --> 01:10:08,041 there was any worth to my life, 2663 01:10:08,041 --> 01:10:12,166 and then, you know, who would 2664 01:10:08,041 --> 01:10:12,166 care whether I was here or not. 2665 01:10:15,750 --> 01:10:19,667 The best way that I've been 2666 01:10:15,750 --> 01:10:19,667 able to understand 2667 01:10:19,667 --> 01:10:21,667 my capacity to murder 2668 01:10:19,667 --> 01:10:21,667 another human being 2669 01:10:21,667 --> 01:10:26,041 is that I didn't value 2670 01:10:21,667 --> 01:10:26,041 my own life at the time, 2671 01:10:26,041 --> 01:10:29,792 so I couldn't value the life 2672 01:10:26,041 --> 01:10:29,792 of another human being. 2673 01:10:34,208 --> 01:10:36,542 A human child knows 2674 01:10:34,208 --> 01:10:36,542 it's not loved, 2675 01:10:36,542 --> 01:10:38,125 he or she, 2676 01:10:36,542 --> 01:10:38,125 if they're beaten, 2677 01:10:38,125 --> 01:10:41,542 or if they're just 2678 01:10:38,125 --> 01:10:41,542 simply neglected, 2679 01:10:41,542 --> 01:10:44,125 ignored, abandoned. 2680 01:10:44,125 --> 01:10:46,458 The men that I worked with 2681 01:10:44,125 --> 01:10:46,458 in the prisons 2682 01:10:46,458 --> 01:10:49,041 had suffered all of these forms 2683 01:10:46,458 --> 01:10:49,041 of child abuse 2684 01:10:49,041 --> 01:10:51,709 to a degree I've never seen 2685 01:10:49,041 --> 01:10:51,709 in any other setting. 2686 01:10:51,709 --> 01:10:53,875 And to say they were 2687 01:10:51,709 --> 01:10:53,875 dominated by shame 2688 01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:58,041 is to say they didn't have pride 2689 01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:58,041 or self-love. 2690 01:11:05,375 --> 01:11:08,792 Whether it's homicidal violence 2691 01:11:05,375 --> 01:11:08,792 or suicidal violence, 2692 01:11:08,792 --> 01:11:11,709 people resort to such 2693 01:11:08,792 --> 01:11:11,709 desperate behavior 2694 01:11:11,709 --> 01:11:13,125 only when they are feeling 2695 01:11:13,125 --> 01:11:17,250 overwhelmed by shame 2696 01:11:13,125 --> 01:11:17,250 and humiliation. 2697 01:11:19,458 --> 01:11:23,208 I grew up with three brothers 2698 01:11:19,458 --> 01:11:23,208 and a father that drank a lot, 2699 01:11:23,208 --> 01:11:26,792 and I was probably bullied 2700 01:11:23,208 --> 01:11:26,792 the most by my dad. 2701 01:11:26,792 --> 01:11:30,709 He ruled with intimidation, 2702 01:11:26,792 --> 01:11:30,709 you know, and fear. 2703 01:11:30,709 --> 01:11:32,583 I was always scared 2704 01:11:30,709 --> 01:11:32,583 when Mom said, 2705 01:11:32,583 --> 01:11:34,917 "You're in trouble, 2706 01:11:32,583 --> 01:11:34,917 and I'm going to tell your dad." 2707 01:11:34,917 --> 01:11:36,875 I knew I had 2708 01:11:34,917 --> 01:11:36,875 an ass-whipping coming 2709 01:11:36,875 --> 01:11:38,375 and that meant 2710 01:11:36,875 --> 01:11:38,375 he was going to hit me 2711 01:11:38,375 --> 01:11:41,333 with whatever he had 2712 01:11:38,375 --> 01:11:41,333 close to him, you know. 2713 01:11:41,333 --> 01:11:45,083 Whether it was a fan cord 2714 01:11:41,333 --> 01:11:45,083 he ripped out of the wall, 2715 01:11:41,333 --> 01:11:45,083 or his belt. 2716 01:11:45,083 --> 01:11:48,750 I was shy, I was quiet, 2717 01:11:45,083 --> 01:11:48,750 I was always in my head. 2718 01:11:48,750 --> 01:11:50,375 I just felt... 2719 01:11:51,667 --> 01:11:53,917 terribly alone. 2720 01:11:53,917 --> 01:11:58,625 The only culture where I felt 2721 01:11:53,917 --> 01:11:58,625 like I belonged a little bit 2722 01:11:58,625 --> 01:12:01,000 was in the drug culture 2723 01:11:58,625 --> 01:12:01,000 when I found it. 2724 01:12:01,000 --> 01:12:03,792 I was 12 years old 2725 01:12:01,000 --> 01:12:03,792 when I started smoking weed. 2726 01:12:03,792 --> 01:12:05,583 At first, 2727 01:12:03,792 --> 01:12:05,583 because of peer pressure, 2728 01:12:05,583 --> 01:12:07,375 but I soon liked it 2729 01:12:07,375 --> 01:12:11,083 because I didn't have to feel 2730 01:12:07,375 --> 01:12:11,083 the way I always felt. 2731 01:12:11,083 --> 01:12:13,875 Then I moved on 2732 01:12:11,083 --> 01:12:13,875 to harder drugs. 2733 01:12:13,875 --> 01:12:16,125 My world changed 2734 01:12:13,875 --> 01:12:16,125 when I picked up a gun. 2735 01:12:16,125 --> 01:12:18,291 Became a whole 2736 01:12:16,125 --> 01:12:18,291 lot more violent. 2737 01:12:18,291 --> 01:12:20,458 People around me 2738 01:12:18,291 --> 01:12:20,458 started dying. 2739 01:12:20,458 --> 01:12:23,291 The guy I killed, 2740 01:12:20,458 --> 01:12:23,291 we had conflict. 2741 01:12:23,291 --> 01:12:26,041 I had been accepted 2742 01:12:23,291 --> 01:12:26,041 in this drug culture. 2743 01:12:26,041 --> 01:12:28,625 When he didn't pay me, 2744 01:12:26,041 --> 01:12:28,625 I thought, "My homeboys know. 2745 01:12:28,625 --> 01:12:30,250 If I don't do something 2746 01:12:28,625 --> 01:12:30,250 to this guy, 2747 01:12:30,250 --> 01:12:33,500 everybody's gonna take 2748 01:12:30,250 --> 01:12:33,500 whatever I have, 2749 01:12:33,500 --> 01:12:34,625 play me for a punk." 2750 01:12:34,625 --> 01:12:36,625 That's the story 2751 01:12:34,625 --> 01:12:36,625 I was telling in my head. 2752 01:12:37,792 --> 01:12:41,083 I just felt all the fear 2753 01:12:37,792 --> 01:12:41,083 and anxiety 2754 01:12:41,083 --> 01:12:45,125 and everything else I had 2755 01:12:41,083 --> 01:12:45,125 bottled up in me just burst. 2756 01:12:45,125 --> 01:12:47,166 And I shot him six times. 2757 01:12:49,500 --> 01:12:51,041 And I ran. 2758 01:12:52,542 --> 01:12:57,667 I think that's the first time 2759 01:12:52,542 --> 01:12:57,667 I ever felt, um... 2760 01:12:57,667 --> 01:12:59,792 like I had power. 2761 01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:02,959 For so long I had felt 2762 01:12:59,792 --> 01:13:02,959 so powerless in my life. 2763 01:13:02,959 --> 01:13:07,959 Like that was a moment 2764 01:13:02,959 --> 01:13:07,959 I finally stood up for myself. 2765 01:13:09,792 --> 01:13:12,875 But it came 2766 01:13:09,792 --> 01:13:12,875 at such a huge price. 2767 01:13:35,417 --> 01:13:39,375 If you're told from day one, 2768 01:13:35,417 --> 01:13:39,375 don't let nobody disrespect you, 2769 01:13:39,375 --> 01:13:42,000 and this is the way 2770 01:13:39,375 --> 01:13:42,000 you handle it as a man, 2771 01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,333 respect is linked 2772 01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,333 to violence. 2773 01:13:44,333 --> 01:13:47,250 Boys are trained 2774 01:13:44,333 --> 01:13:47,250 to externalize our pain. 2775 01:13:47,250 --> 01:13:49,041 When something bad 2776 01:13:47,250 --> 01:13:49,041 has happened to us, 2777 01:13:49,041 --> 01:13:51,291 we need to do something 2778 01:13:49,041 --> 01:13:51,291 bad to somebody else, 2779 01:13:51,291 --> 01:13:53,917 avenge the humiliation 2780 01:13:51,291 --> 01:13:53,917 that we've suffered, 2781 01:13:53,917 --> 01:13:55,375 the shame 2782 01:13:53,917 --> 01:13:55,375 that we've experienced. 2783 01:13:55,375 --> 01:13:58,542 To me that's such a basic 2784 01:13:55,375 --> 01:13:58,542 and an incredibly important part 2785 01:13:58,542 --> 01:14:02,250 of what is going on 2786 01:13:58,542 --> 01:14:02,250 in the violence pandemic 2787 01:13:58,542 --> 01:14:02,250 in our society. 2788 01:14:25,083 --> 01:14:26,917 Plenty of girls 2789 01:14:25,083 --> 01:14:26,917 live in a culture 2790 01:14:26,917 --> 01:14:28,917 where there's 2791 01:14:26,917 --> 01:14:28,917 easy access to guns. 2792 01:14:28,917 --> 01:14:31,417 Why don't girls and women 2793 01:14:28,917 --> 01:14:31,417 do the shootings? 2794 01:14:33,041 --> 01:14:34,667 The national conversation 2795 01:14:33,041 --> 01:14:34,667 that happens 2796 01:14:34,667 --> 01:14:37,250 almost never mentions 2797 01:14:34,667 --> 01:14:37,250 gender as a factor 2798 01:14:37,250 --> 01:14:39,542 when in fact, it's the single 2799 01:14:37,250 --> 01:14:39,542 most important factor. 2800 01:14:39,542 --> 01:14:42,667 But it's unspoken, 2801 01:14:39,542 --> 01:14:42,667 and so part of our challenge 2802 01:14:42,667 --> 01:14:45,875 is to make visible what has 2803 01:14:42,667 --> 01:14:45,875 been rendered invisible. 2804 01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:51,792 I've been forced to endure 2805 01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:51,792 an existence of loneliness, 2806 01:14:51,792 --> 01:14:55,458 rejection, 2807 01:14:51,792 --> 01:14:55,458 and unfulfilled desires. 2808 01:14:55,458 --> 01:14:59,375 Tomorrow is the day 2809 01:14:55,458 --> 01:14:59,375 in which I will have 2810 01:14:59,375 --> 01:15:01,959 my revenge 2811 01:14:59,375 --> 01:15:01,959 against humanity, 2812 01:15:01,959 --> 01:15:03,917 against all of you. 2813 01:15:13,458 --> 01:15:14,667 One of the things 2814 01:15:13,458 --> 01:15:14,667 that has provoked 2815 01:15:14,667 --> 01:15:17,500 so much anger 2816 01:15:14,667 --> 01:15:17,500 in American society today 2817 01:15:17,500 --> 01:15:19,667 is this notion 2818 01:15:17,500 --> 01:15:19,667 of aggrieved entitlement, 2819 01:15:19,667 --> 01:15:21,959 that men feel entitled 2820 01:15:19,667 --> 01:15:21,959 to positions of power 2821 01:15:21,959 --> 01:15:24,083 and all that 2822 01:15:21,959 --> 01:15:24,083 but they don't feel like 2823 01:15:24,083 --> 01:15:25,583 they're getting them 2824 01:15:24,083 --> 01:15:25,583 as much anymore. 2825 01:15:25,583 --> 01:15:27,083 That's the injury. 2826 01:15:27,083 --> 01:15:30,917 Not that I was in power, 2827 01:15:27,083 --> 01:15:30,917 but that I was entitled to be. 2828 01:15:30,917 --> 01:15:33,208 The boys that have 2829 01:15:30,917 --> 01:15:33,208 committed these crimes, 2830 01:15:33,208 --> 01:15:35,000 the men who commit crimes 2831 01:15:33,208 --> 01:15:35,000 of violence every day 2832 01:15:35,000 --> 01:15:36,250 in the streets 2833 01:15:35,000 --> 01:15:36,250 of the United States 2834 01:15:36,250 --> 01:15:37,542 and in the homes 2835 01:15:36,250 --> 01:15:37,542 of the United States, 2836 01:15:37,542 --> 01:15:38,834 are our sons, 2837 01:15:38,834 --> 01:15:41,125 they are saying something 2838 01:15:38,834 --> 01:15:41,125 about us as a culture. 2839 01:15:41,125 --> 01:15:42,667 But we ignore them 2840 01:15:41,125 --> 01:15:42,667 at our peril. 2841 01:15:42,667 --> 01:15:44,917 And I think the first reaction 2842 01:15:42,667 --> 01:15:44,917 of so many people 2843 01:15:44,917 --> 01:15:47,291 who are threatened 2844 01:15:44,917 --> 01:15:47,291 by introspection, 2845 01:15:47,291 --> 01:15:49,709 by self-awareness 2846 01:15:47,291 --> 01:15:49,709 and self-criticality, 2847 01:15:49,709 --> 01:15:53,500 is to push them aside 2848 01:15:49,709 --> 01:15:53,500 as if they're somehow others, 2849 01:15:53,500 --> 01:15:55,000 they're somehow 2850 01:15:53,500 --> 01:15:55,000 aberrational. 2851 01:15:55,000 --> 01:15:58,000 And, again, 2852 01:15:55,000 --> 01:15:58,000 this idea of mental illness 2853 01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,375 is one way 2854 01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,375 to push them aside. 2855 01:15:59,375 --> 01:16:02,583 That's why we don't have 2856 01:15:59,375 --> 01:16:02,583 to think about our culture, 2857 01:16:02,583 --> 01:16:04,125 we don't have to think 2858 01:16:02,583 --> 01:16:04,125 what we're teaching our sons. 2859 01:16:04,125 --> 01:16:07,542 We don't have to think about 2860 01:16:04,125 --> 01:16:07,542 the role of the media culture 2861 01:16:07,542 --> 01:16:09,667 in helping to shape certain 2862 01:16:07,542 --> 01:16:09,667 norms around masculinity. 2863 01:16:09,667 --> 01:16:12,542 We don't have to think about 2864 01:16:09,667 --> 01:16:12,542 the mixed messages 2865 01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:16,000 we're sending to boys 2866 01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:16,000 and men about violence, 2867 01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:16,000 which we send all the time. 2868 01:16:16,000 --> 01:16:17,750 Cultures define manhood 2869 01:16:16,000 --> 01:16:17,750 in different ways, 2870 01:16:17,750 --> 01:16:20,667 and there are healthy ways 2871 01:16:17,750 --> 01:16:20,667 to define manhood; 2872 01:16:17,750 --> 01:16:20,667 there are unhealthy ways. 2873 01:16:20,667 --> 01:16:23,417 So the question is, 2874 01:16:20,667 --> 01:16:23,417 can we do better than 2875 01:16:20,667 --> 01:16:23,417 we're doing in our society? 2876 01:16:23,417 --> 01:16:26,166 And the answer is: 2877 01:16:23,417 --> 01:16:26,166 Yes, we can do better. 2878 01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:32,875 IAN: My sophomore year 2879 01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:32,875 in college 2880 01:16:32,875 --> 01:16:35,083 I was in my first real 2881 01:16:35,083 --> 01:16:37,375 long-term committed 2882 01:16:35,083 --> 01:16:37,375 relationship, 2883 01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:42,250 and had learned that 2884 01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:42,250 she had been raped. 2885 01:16:42,250 --> 01:16:44,500 And I found out later 2886 01:16:42,250 --> 01:16:44,500 that my mom had been raped 2887 01:16:44,500 --> 01:16:46,375 when she was younger. 2888 01:16:46,375 --> 01:16:48,250 It was painful for me 2889 01:16:46,375 --> 01:16:48,250 to think about that 2890 01:16:48,250 --> 01:16:51,041 happening to someone 2891 01:16:48,250 --> 01:16:51,041 that I really cared about. 2892 01:16:51,041 --> 01:16:53,959 And that it happened 2893 01:16:51,041 --> 01:16:53,959 to all sorts of people. 2894 01:16:54,834 --> 01:16:56,417 It gave me the opportunity 2895 01:16:56,417 --> 01:17:00,041 to start thinking about 2896 01:16:56,417 --> 01:17:00,041 masculinity in a critical way. 2897 01:17:00,041 --> 01:17:03,125 Trying to become 2898 01:17:00,041 --> 01:17:03,125 more of a full human being 2899 01:17:03,125 --> 01:17:07,375 and less constrained 2900 01:17:03,125 --> 01:17:07,375 by who I thought I had to be. 2901 01:17:07,375 --> 01:17:09,291 I stopped playing sports, 2902 01:17:09,291 --> 01:17:11,500 in terms 2903 01:17:09,291 --> 01:17:11,500 of collegiate competition, 2904 01:17:11,500 --> 01:17:13,959 and I went back 2905 01:17:11,500 --> 01:17:13,959 to doing theater. 2906 01:17:13,959 --> 01:17:16,166 One of the characters 2907 01:17:13,959 --> 01:17:16,166 that I played 2908 01:17:16,166 --> 01:17:18,750 was a transgender character. 2909 01:17:18,750 --> 01:17:24,000 I remember when my parents 2910 01:17:18,750 --> 01:17:24,000 came to the show, um... 2911 01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:28,458 and my dad 2912 01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:28,458 was really uncomfortable. 2913 01:17:28,458 --> 01:17:31,250 He was not comfortable 2914 01:17:28,458 --> 01:17:31,250 with his son, 2915 01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:34,000 who was more of 2916 01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:34,000 a prototypical man's man, 2917 01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:38,041 changing into this 2918 01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:38,041 very un-man's man-like person. 2919 01:17:38,041 --> 01:17:41,458 Even in the context of theater, 2920 01:17:38,041 --> 01:17:41,458 where it wasn't really me. 2921 01:17:41,458 --> 01:17:43,500 And that sort of began 2922 01:17:41,458 --> 01:17:43,500 a point of friction, 2923 01:17:43,500 --> 01:17:45,458 I think, 2924 01:17:43,500 --> 01:17:45,458 between my father and I. 2925 01:17:45,458 --> 01:17:47,166 His response was, 2926 01:17:47,166 --> 01:17:49,750 why wouldn't you want to be 2927 01:17:47,166 --> 01:17:49,750 what you really are? 2928 01:17:54,750 --> 01:17:57,834 CODY: The very last time 2929 01:17:54,750 --> 01:17:57,834 that I spoke to my father, 2930 01:17:57,834 --> 01:17:59,333 I was a senior 2931 01:17:57,834 --> 01:17:59,333 in high school. 2932 01:17:59,333 --> 01:18:01,041 I told him that I hated him 2933 01:18:01,041 --> 01:18:02,458 and I never wanted 2934 01:18:01,041 --> 01:18:02,458 to talk to him again. 2935 01:18:03,208 --> 01:18:05,375 In kind of 2936 01:18:03,208 --> 01:18:05,375 the heat of that moment, 2937 01:18:05,375 --> 01:18:08,500 I decided that 2938 01:18:05,375 --> 01:18:08,500 I should write down 2939 01:18:08,500 --> 01:18:10,291 everything 2940 01:18:08,500 --> 01:18:10,291 that I was mad at him for 2941 01:18:10,291 --> 01:18:12,542 since my first memory 2942 01:18:10,291 --> 01:18:12,542 of him beating my mom. 2943 01:18:13,667 --> 01:18:15,625 And so I sat down 2944 01:18:13,667 --> 01:18:15,625 and I wrote a letter, 2945 01:18:15,625 --> 01:18:19,291 and I had intended 2946 01:18:15,625 --> 01:18:19,291 to send it to him in the mail. 2947 01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:21,500 I was taking 2948 01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:21,500 an AP English class 2949 01:18:21,500 --> 01:18:24,333 and the teacher resembled 2950 01:18:21,500 --> 01:18:24,333 my wrestling coach 2951 01:18:24,333 --> 01:18:26,667 in a lot 2952 01:18:24,333 --> 01:18:26,667 of his characteristics. 2953 01:18:26,667 --> 01:18:29,208 I came into his classroom 2954 01:18:26,667 --> 01:18:29,208 and I said, 2955 01:18:29,208 --> 01:18:33,250 "Something inside me needs 2956 01:18:29,208 --> 01:18:33,250 to have you read this 2957 01:18:33,250 --> 01:18:36,667 before I can send it, 2958 01:18:33,250 --> 01:18:36,667 and I don't know why." 2959 01:18:36,667 --> 01:18:38,667 And he got... 2960 01:18:38,667 --> 01:18:41,333 I think three-quarters 2961 01:18:38,667 --> 01:18:41,333 through the first page, 2962 01:18:41,333 --> 01:18:45,291 and he, like, 2963 01:18:41,333 --> 01:18:45,291 fell into tears. 2964 01:18:45,291 --> 01:18:48,291 Like, tears just 2965 01:18:45,291 --> 01:18:48,291 running down his face. 2966 01:18:48,291 --> 01:18:51,959 He was like, "I understand you 2967 01:18:48,291 --> 01:18:51,959 so much better now. 2968 01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:55,375 That's why you push yourself 2969 01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:55,375 so hard in everything you do, 2970 01:18:55,375 --> 01:18:57,667 why you have to be the best, 2971 01:18:55,375 --> 01:18:57,667 why you have to be perfect, 2972 01:18:57,667 --> 01:19:00,125 why you stress out about 2973 01:18:57,667 --> 01:19:00,125 every single little thing." 2974 01:19:00,125 --> 01:19:03,417 He looked at me 2975 01:19:00,125 --> 01:19:03,417 and he just said, 2976 01:19:00,125 --> 01:19:03,417 "You're good enough." 2977 01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,500 And apparently, 2978 01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,500 that's what I needed to hear... 2979 01:19:12,208 --> 01:19:13,625 from a man. 2980 01:19:19,000 --> 01:19:21,333 STEVEN: 2981 01:19:19,000 --> 01:19:21,333 About 4 or 5 years ago, 2982 01:19:21,333 --> 01:19:23,750 Jacksen said, 2983 01:19:21,333 --> 01:19:23,750 "How about we make a box, 2984 01:19:23,750 --> 01:19:26,208 and we put notes in there 2985 01:19:23,750 --> 01:19:26,208 every week to each other. 2986 01:19:26,208 --> 01:19:28,208 If I'm mad, 2987 01:19:26,208 --> 01:19:28,208 I'll put a note in there, 2988 01:19:28,208 --> 01:19:30,000 if I'm happy, 2989 01:19:28,208 --> 01:19:30,000 I'll put a note in there. 2990 01:19:30,000 --> 01:19:31,375 That's how 2991 01:19:30,000 --> 01:19:31,375 we'll communicate 2992 01:19:31,375 --> 01:19:32,792 about what we're feeling 2993 01:19:31,375 --> 01:19:32,792 for the week." 2994 01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:35,291 And so Jacksen found 2995 01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:35,291 one of my shoe boxes, 2996 01:19:35,291 --> 01:19:38,417 cut a hole in the top, 2997 01:19:35,291 --> 01:19:38,417 and he named it the mailbox. 2998 01:19:38,417 --> 01:19:42,667 And we do it once a week, 2999 01:19:38,417 --> 01:19:42,667 and we open it on Daddy Sunday, 3000 01:19:38,417 --> 01:19:42,667 which is Sundays. 3001 01:19:42,667 --> 01:19:45,166 I wrote this one. 3002 01:19:45,166 --> 01:19:47,291 "To Dad. 3003 01:19:47,291 --> 01:19:53,417 Dear Dad, I love how we play 3004 01:19:47,291 --> 01:19:53,417 together every Sunday. 3005 01:19:53,417 --> 01:19:56,792 It's really fun 3006 01:19:53,417 --> 01:19:56,792 playing with you, Dad. 3007 01:19:56,792 --> 01:19:57,917 Love, Jacksen." 3008 01:19:57,917 --> 01:19:59,875 And this. 3009 01:19:59,875 --> 01:20:04,083 And my father has never 3010 01:19:59,875 --> 01:20:04,083 in 30-some-odd years of life 3011 01:20:04,083 --> 01:20:05,792 told me he loved me. 3012 01:20:05,792 --> 01:20:08,333 I tell my son 3013 01:20:05,792 --> 01:20:08,333 I love him every day. 3014 01:20:10,500 --> 01:20:14,000 EHRMANN: The father wound 3015 01:20:10,500 --> 01:20:14,000 is any ongoing psychological, 3016 01:20:14,000 --> 01:20:16,041 emotional deficit or injury 3017 01:20:16,041 --> 01:20:18,417 that would have been met 3018 01:20:16,041 --> 01:20:18,417 in a healthy relationship. 3019 01:20:18,417 --> 01:20:20,125 So the father wound 3020 01:20:20,125 --> 01:20:22,792 is probably one of the most 3021 01:20:20,125 --> 01:20:22,792 serious issues in this country. 3022 01:20:22,792 --> 01:20:25,625 Wounding boys 3023 01:20:22,792 --> 01:20:25,625 become wounding men, 3024 01:20:25,625 --> 01:20:28,500 apart from 3025 01:20:25,625 --> 01:20:28,500 some kind of intervention. 3026 01:20:28,500 --> 01:20:33,083 In my own healing process, 3027 01:20:28,500 --> 01:20:33,083 I took myself as an adult man 3028 01:20:33,083 --> 01:20:35,625 and myself 3029 01:20:33,083 --> 01:20:35,625 as a 5-year-old boy 3030 01:20:35,625 --> 01:20:37,166 and I walked 3031 01:20:35,625 --> 01:20:37,166 both of them back 3032 01:20:37,166 --> 01:20:38,709 down my mother's 3033 01:20:37,166 --> 01:20:38,709 basement steps 3034 01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:41,917 and there 3035 01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:41,917 I confronted my father. 3036 01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:44,041 Five-year-old boys 3037 01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:44,041 are supposed to be loved, 3038 01:20:44,041 --> 01:20:46,417 they're supposed to be 3039 01:20:44,041 --> 01:20:46,417 tucked in at night. 3040 01:20:47,917 --> 01:20:50,041 It's an amazing thing 3041 01:20:47,917 --> 01:20:50,041 when I did that work, 3042 01:20:50,041 --> 01:20:51,166 because it was 3043 01:20:50,041 --> 01:20:51,166 the first time 3044 01:20:51,166 --> 01:20:53,583 I ever had empathy 3045 01:20:51,166 --> 01:20:53,583 for my own father. 3046 01:20:53,583 --> 01:20:55,333 I've started to think about, 3047 01:20:53,583 --> 01:20:55,333 you know, 3048 01:20:55,333 --> 01:20:58,125 who hurt him in a way 3049 01:20:58,125 --> 01:21:00,917 that he would be so angry 3050 01:20:58,125 --> 01:21:00,917 as he was? 3051 01:21:03,333 --> 01:21:04,834 I think every man's journey 3052 01:21:04,834 --> 01:21:08,000 is how do you reconnect 3053 01:21:04,834 --> 01:21:08,000 that heart to the head, 3054 01:21:08,000 --> 01:21:10,875 to start living 3055 01:21:08,000 --> 01:21:10,875 out of the authentic you? 3056 01:21:17,667 --> 01:21:19,750 Today is really 3057 01:21:17,667 --> 01:21:19,750 about self-reflection. 3058 01:21:19,750 --> 01:21:22,333 About your story, okay, 3059 01:21:19,750 --> 01:21:22,333 your narrative, 3060 01:21:22,333 --> 01:21:25,542 why that's important to 3061 01:21:22,333 --> 01:21:25,542 self-reflect and to share out. 3062 01:21:25,542 --> 01:21:27,083 LUIS: When I came 3063 01:21:25,542 --> 01:21:27,083 out of juvenile hall, 3064 01:21:27,083 --> 01:21:29,959 I knew that I had to make 3065 01:21:27,083 --> 01:21:29,959 some changes, 3066 01:21:29,959 --> 01:21:33,792 so I quit smoking 3067 01:21:29,959 --> 01:21:33,792 and decided to be sober 3068 01:21:33,792 --> 01:21:37,208 and see what I can do 3069 01:21:33,792 --> 01:21:37,208 to change my life around. 3070 01:21:38,333 --> 01:21:41,083 First day of school 3071 01:21:38,333 --> 01:21:41,083 I came in here, 3072 01:21:41,083 --> 01:21:42,333 you know, I was very excited. 3073 01:21:42,333 --> 01:21:45,083 And these past 2 months 3074 01:21:42,333 --> 01:21:45,083 have been amazing. 3075 01:21:45,083 --> 01:21:48,959 I can share anything 3076 01:21:45,083 --> 01:21:48,959 with these guys, anything. 3077 01:21:48,959 --> 01:21:51,959 And, you know, 3078 01:21:48,959 --> 01:21:51,959 they've been absolutely 3079 01:21:51,959 --> 01:21:55,875 more than a family to me, 3080 01:21:51,959 --> 01:21:55,875 I love them to death. 3081 01:21:55,875 --> 01:22:00,000 I transformed 3082 01:21:55,875 --> 01:22:00,000 from four F's to four A's. 3083 01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:02,542 I was very proud 3084 01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:02,542 of myself, 3085 01:22:02,542 --> 01:22:05,000 but most of all, 3086 01:22:02,542 --> 01:22:05,000 I made my mom proud. 3087 01:22:05,667 --> 01:22:08,125 HAGEDORN: When I see my kids, 3088 01:22:05,667 --> 01:22:08,125 I don't see gangsters, 3089 01:22:08,125 --> 01:22:09,667 I see my little brothers. 3090 01:22:09,667 --> 01:22:13,000 What we're trying to do 3091 01:22:09,667 --> 01:22:13,000 is to connect with them, 3092 01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,375 to create a space where 3093 01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,375 they can re-humanize themselves, 3094 01:22:15,375 --> 01:22:18,000 because they've been 3095 01:22:15,375 --> 01:22:18,000 so dehumanized. 3096 01:22:18,000 --> 01:22:21,750 We feel safe in here, 3097 01:22:18,000 --> 01:22:21,750 we can talk to anybody in here, 3098 01:22:21,750 --> 01:22:25,959 it's like another family, 3099 01:22:21,750 --> 01:22:25,959 pretty much. 3100 01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:37,834 And so the lessons 3101 01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:37,834 that we're being taught 3102 01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:37,834 from early on, 3103 01:22:37,834 --> 01:22:40,834 is that being a woman, 3104 01:22:37,834 --> 01:22:40,834 or being feminine, 3105 01:22:40,834 --> 01:22:43,458 or being anything 3106 01:22:40,834 --> 01:22:43,458 that's not within the "man" box, 3107 01:22:43,458 --> 01:22:46,834 within the confines 3108 01:22:43,458 --> 01:22:46,834 of this construct, is bad. 3109 01:22:47,917 --> 01:22:49,500 So what I'm gonna 3110 01:22:47,917 --> 01:22:49,500 do next is, 3111 01:22:49,500 --> 01:22:52,542 I erased the labels "man" box, 3112 01:22:49,500 --> 01:22:52,542 "not manly" box. 3113 01:22:53,542 --> 01:22:56,750 When we take away these barriers 3114 01:22:53,542 --> 01:22:56,750 that society places on us, 3115 01:22:56,750 --> 01:22:59,375 our parents, our peers, 3116 01:22:56,750 --> 01:22:59,375 our teachers, 3117 01:22:59,375 --> 01:23:01,125 media, whatever it may be, 3118 01:23:01,125 --> 01:23:03,250 when we strip those away, 3119 01:23:03,250 --> 01:23:05,083 we get to be 3120 01:23:03,250 --> 01:23:05,083 whoever we choose to be 3121 01:23:05,083 --> 01:23:08,875 and we find that 3122 01:23:05,083 --> 01:23:08,875 we are some of the very things 3123 01:23:08,875 --> 01:23:11,000 that we were taught 3124 01:23:08,875 --> 01:23:11,000 that are not manly. 3125 01:23:13,458 --> 01:23:16,959 I want to just share this 3126 01:23:13,458 --> 01:23:16,959 in closing out, too. 3127 01:23:16,959 --> 01:23:20,959 You know, before, when I was 3128 01:23:16,959 --> 01:23:20,959 stuck in that "man" box... 3129 01:23:20,959 --> 01:23:22,041 Yeah. 3130 01:23:22,041 --> 01:23:25,125 I felt a sense of incomplete. 3131 01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:29,000 I felt that I always never was 3132 01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:29,000 the person I was meant to be, 3133 01:23:29,000 --> 01:23:32,750 or the person my family 3134 01:23:29,000 --> 01:23:32,750 envisioned me to be. 3135 01:23:32,750 --> 01:23:35,166 Once I got out 3136 01:23:32,750 --> 01:23:35,166 of that "man" box, 3137 01:23:35,166 --> 01:23:37,834 through this process 3138 01:23:35,166 --> 01:23:37,834 and the work, 3139 01:23:37,834 --> 01:23:43,083 I feel like I stand 10 feet tall 3140 01:23:37,834 --> 01:23:43,083 and feel that I'm worthy. 3141 01:23:43,083 --> 01:23:45,667 I have a right to be loved. 3142 01:23:45,667 --> 01:23:50,166 A sense of belonging 3143 01:23:45,667 --> 01:23:50,166 with the peers that I've built 3144 01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:52,417 and made 3145 01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:52,417 a community with in here 3146 01:23:52,417 --> 01:23:54,625 and I feel whole. 3147 01:24:10,542 --> 01:24:15,000 Many of us are operating 3148 01:24:10,542 --> 01:24:15,000 from a place of tradition, 3149 01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,166 just the way 3150 01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,166 things always have been. 3151 01:24:17,166 --> 01:24:19,333 We need to get men 3152 01:24:17,166 --> 01:24:19,333 into their hearts 3153 01:24:19,333 --> 01:24:21,166 and out of their heads. 3154 01:24:21,166 --> 01:24:26,667 There's freedom outside of these 3155 01:24:21,166 --> 01:24:26,667 rigid definitions of manhood. 3156 01:24:26,667 --> 01:24:29,083 We need to redefine 3157 01:24:26,667 --> 01:24:29,083 strength in men, 3158 01:24:29,083 --> 01:24:31,041 not as the power 3159 01:24:29,083 --> 01:24:31,041 over other people, 3160 01:24:31,041 --> 01:24:33,041 but as forces for justice, 3161 01:24:33,041 --> 01:24:35,834 and justice means 3162 01:24:33,041 --> 01:24:35,834 equality and fairness 3163 01:24:35,834 --> 01:24:37,709 and working against poverty 3164 01:24:35,834 --> 01:24:37,709 and working against, 3165 01:24:37,709 --> 01:24:41,083 you know, inequality 3166 01:24:37,709 --> 01:24:41,083 and violence-- that's strength. 3167 01:24:41,083 --> 01:24:42,709 And we need more men 3168 01:24:41,083 --> 01:24:42,709 who have the courage 3169 01:24:42,709 --> 01:24:44,208 to stand up and speak out, 3170 01:24:44,208 --> 01:24:45,875 even when it means 3171 01:24:44,208 --> 01:24:45,875 taking a risk. 3172 01:24:45,875 --> 01:24:48,083 To go into male culture, 3173 01:24:45,875 --> 01:24:48,083 and say some things 3174 01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:49,750 that are going to make 3175 01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:49,750 other men uncomfortable. 3176 01:24:49,750 --> 01:24:51,417 Because this is 3177 01:24:49,750 --> 01:24:51,417 about leadership. 3178 01:24:51,417 --> 01:24:55,375 We're asking men to use that 3179 01:24:51,417 --> 01:24:55,375 privilege to develop a voice, 3180 01:24:55,375 --> 01:24:58,208 to speak out, to stand up. 3181 01:24:58,208 --> 01:24:59,875 Become 3182 01:24:58,208 --> 01:24:59,875 part of the solution. 3183 01:24:59,875 --> 01:25:03,917 It's absolutely not about 3184 01:24:59,875 --> 01:25:03,917 teaching boys something new. 3185 01:25:03,917 --> 01:25:06,041 It's not about 3186 01:25:03,917 --> 01:25:06,041 turning boys into girls, 3187 01:25:06,041 --> 01:25:07,792 or something 3188 01:25:06,041 --> 01:25:07,792 that they're not already. 3189 01:25:07,792 --> 01:25:10,083 But it's actually 3190 01:25:07,792 --> 01:25:10,083 helping them to stay with 3191 01:25:10,083 --> 01:25:12,959 or return to 3192 01:25:10,083 --> 01:25:12,959 what they already know. 3193 01:25:12,959 --> 01:25:15,709 Empathy 3194 01:25:12,959 --> 01:25:15,709 and caring for other people 3195 01:25:15,709 --> 01:25:19,166 and being sympathetic 3196 01:25:15,709 --> 01:25:19,166 toward people, 3197 01:25:19,166 --> 01:25:24,125 these are not just feminine 3198 01:25:19,166 --> 01:25:24,125 traits or behavior patterns. 3199 01:25:24,125 --> 01:25:26,375 These are human patterns. 3200 01:25:26,375 --> 01:25:28,041 We have a responsibility 3201 01:25:26,375 --> 01:25:28,041 to our sons 3202 01:25:28,041 --> 01:25:31,083 to break down the systems 3203 01:25:28,041 --> 01:25:31,083 of emotional constriction 3204 01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,458 that leads so many men 3205 01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,458 to have lives of-- 3206 01:25:33,458 --> 01:25:35,750 of quiet desperation 3207 01:25:33,458 --> 01:25:35,750 and depression 3208 01:25:35,750 --> 01:25:37,750 and alcohol 3209 01:25:35,750 --> 01:25:37,750 and substance abuse 3210 01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:39,625 and all the other ways 3211 01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:39,625 that men self-medicate. 3212 01:25:39,625 --> 01:25:43,458 So if we ever gave boys 3213 01:25:39,625 --> 01:25:43,458 permission to process grief, 3214 01:25:43,458 --> 01:25:45,375 gave boys 3215 01:25:43,458 --> 01:25:45,375 permission to cry, 3216 01:25:45,375 --> 01:25:48,000 to develop 3217 01:25:45,375 --> 01:25:48,000 all of their emotions, 3218 01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:51,583 you'd do away with not knowing 3219 01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:51,583 where to go with their own pain. 3220 01:25:51,583 --> 01:25:53,625 POLLACK: For mothers, 3221 01:25:51,583 --> 01:25:53,625 if in your gut you feel 3222 01:25:53,625 --> 01:25:55,667 you want to stay 3223 01:25:53,625 --> 01:25:55,667 close to your son, 3224 01:25:55,667 --> 01:25:58,250 don't be dissuaded. 3225 01:25:58,250 --> 01:25:59,792 The one study we have 3226 01:25:59,792 --> 01:26:02,291 of boys being close to their 3227 01:25:59,792 --> 01:26:02,291 mothers in a healthy way 3228 01:26:02,291 --> 01:26:05,792 shows that those boys are less 3229 01:26:02,291 --> 01:26:05,792 likely to engage in violence, 3230 01:26:05,792 --> 01:26:08,959 more likely to succeed in life, 3231 01:26:05,792 --> 01:26:08,959 and live 5 years longer. 3232 01:26:08,959 --> 01:26:11,709 Whatever a father does 3233 01:26:08,959 --> 01:26:11,709 with his son is masculine. 3234 01:26:11,709 --> 01:26:14,125 If you like cooking, 3235 01:26:11,709 --> 01:26:14,125 cook with your son. 3236 01:26:14,125 --> 01:26:16,500 If you like fly-fishing, 3237 01:26:14,125 --> 01:26:16,500 fly-fish with your son. 3238 01:26:16,500 --> 01:26:18,625 But do something 3239 01:26:16,500 --> 01:26:18,625 with your son, 3240 01:26:18,625 --> 01:26:21,792 because every boy 3241 01:26:18,625 --> 01:26:21,792 measures his masculinity 3242 01:26:21,792 --> 01:26:24,417 at the deepest level 3243 01:26:21,792 --> 01:26:24,417 against his dad. 3244 01:26:24,417 --> 01:26:27,083 We have lots of kids that have 3245 01:26:24,417 --> 01:26:27,083 no father figures at home 3246 01:26:27,083 --> 01:26:29,875 or who just don't even have 3247 01:26:27,083 --> 01:26:29,875 intact families. 3248 01:26:29,875 --> 01:26:31,583 Those kids need mentors 3249 01:26:31,583 --> 01:26:33,542 who are a regular part 3250 01:26:31,583 --> 01:26:33,542 of their lives, 3251 01:26:33,542 --> 01:26:34,917 who are checking in, 3252 01:26:34,917 --> 01:26:36,917 who are spending 3253 01:26:34,917 --> 01:26:36,917 quality time with them, 3254 01:26:36,917 --> 01:26:41,250 and who provide the kind of 3255 01:26:36,917 --> 01:26:41,250 moral support and example 3256 01:26:41,250 --> 01:26:43,417 and guidance 3257 01:26:41,250 --> 01:26:43,417 that they need to grow up. 3258 01:26:43,417 --> 01:26:47,792 Coaches have this unparalleled 3259 01:26:43,417 --> 01:26:47,792 power platform position. 3260 01:26:47,792 --> 01:26:50,083 They're held up in most 3261 01:26:47,792 --> 01:26:50,083 communities and most schools 3262 01:26:50,083 --> 01:26:52,959 as kind of the epitome 3263 01:26:50,083 --> 01:26:52,959 of what it means to be a man. 3264 01:26:52,959 --> 01:26:55,083 Boy, if we ever got 3265 01:26:52,959 --> 01:26:55,083 the heart of a coach 3266 01:26:55,083 --> 01:26:58,000 pouring it out 3267 01:26:55,083 --> 01:26:58,000 into the hearts of young boys, 3268 01:26:58,000 --> 01:27:01,500 with an understanding that 3269 01:26:58,000 --> 01:27:01,500 I'm really not just a coach, 3270 01:27:01,500 --> 01:27:03,125 but I ought to be 3271 01:27:01,500 --> 01:27:03,125 a mentor. 3272 01:27:03,125 --> 01:27:06,375 Then you start making 3273 01:27:03,125 --> 01:27:06,375 huge changes in the society. 3274 01:27:06,375 --> 01:27:10,083 Media and technology 3275 01:27:06,375 --> 01:27:10,083 today has an enormous impact 3276 01:27:10,083 --> 01:27:12,709 on the social 3277 01:27:10,083 --> 01:27:12,709 and emotional health of boys. 3278 01:27:12,709 --> 01:27:14,750 And we want that 3279 01:27:12,709 --> 01:27:14,750 to be a good impact. 3280 01:27:14,750 --> 01:27:17,959 So we need to encourage 3281 01:27:14,750 --> 01:27:17,959 good media, good technology, 3282 01:27:17,959 --> 01:27:21,000 and we need to limit 3283 01:27:17,959 --> 01:27:21,000 the down side of the bad stuff. 3284 01:27:21,000 --> 01:27:23,166 We need to challenge 3285 01:27:21,000 --> 01:27:23,166 boys and men 3286 01:27:23,166 --> 01:27:25,792 to rise to the better angels 3287 01:27:23,166 --> 01:27:25,792 of their nature. 3288 01:27:25,792 --> 01:27:28,500 To rise to the best aspirations 3289 01:27:25,792 --> 01:27:28,500 they have for themselves 3290 01:27:28,500 --> 01:27:30,709 as human beings 3291 01:27:28,500 --> 01:27:30,709 and as men. 3292 01:27:30,709 --> 01:27:32,750 I think 3293 01:27:30,709 --> 01:27:32,750 that's a positive challenge 3294 01:27:32,750 --> 01:27:34,792 and I think a lot of men 3295 01:27:32,750 --> 01:27:34,792 can rise to that challenge. 3296 01:27:34,792 --> 01:27:37,125 Everyone in boy's lives 3297 01:27:34,792 --> 01:27:37,125 should help us stay true 3298 01:27:37,125 --> 01:27:39,750 to who we are so that 3299 01:27:37,125 --> 01:27:39,750 we don't have to wear a mask. 3300 01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,083 Bye! 3301 01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,083 Bye! 3302 01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,083 (laughing ) 3303 01:28:05,959 --> 01:28:09,583 ♪ I have 3304 01:28:05,959 --> 01:28:09,583 a little bit of trouble ♪ 3305 01:28:09,583 --> 01:28:12,041 ♪ Being tough sometimes ♪ 3306 01:28:12,041 --> 01:28:14,959 ♪ Sticking up sometimes ♪ 3307 01:28:14,959 --> 01:28:17,250 ♪ Being enough sometimes ♪ 3308 01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:20,709 ♪ I have 3309 01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:20,709 a little bit of trouble ♪ 3310 01:28:20,709 --> 01:28:23,583 ♪ Keeping myself in line ♪ 3311 01:28:23,583 --> 01:28:26,417 ♪ Keeping myself 3312 01:28:23,583 --> 01:28:26,417 trying ♪ 3313 01:28:26,417 --> 01:28:28,667 ♪ Thinking I'll be fine ♪ 3314 01:28:28,667 --> 01:28:34,500 ♪ Ooh, it's lonely 3315 01:28:28,667 --> 01:28:34,500 at the start ♪ 3316 01:28:34,500 --> 01:28:38,375 ♪ Till my heart says I can ♪ 3317 01:28:40,083 --> 01:28:42,625 ♪ Might be confused 3318 01:28:40,083 --> 01:28:42,625 a little ♪ 3319 01:28:42,625 --> 01:28:46,166 ♪ Flying until I land ♪ 3320 01:28:46,166 --> 01:28:50,291 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪ 3321 01:28:50,291 --> 01:28:57,208 ♪ Nah nah nah nah nah 3322 01:28:50,291 --> 01:28:57,208 nah nah nah ♪ 3323 01:28:57,625 --> 01:29:00,875 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪ 3324 01:29:02,458 --> 01:29:06,000 ♪ I don't ask trouble ♪ 3325 01:29:06,000 --> 01:29:08,625 ♪ But it comes sometimes ♪ 3326 01:29:08,625 --> 01:29:10,917 ♪ And when it does, I find ♪ 3327 01:29:10,917 --> 01:29:13,792 ♪ Little room to grow ♪ 3328 01:29:13,792 --> 01:29:17,000 ♪ If we stand together ♪ 3329 01:29:17,000 --> 01:29:19,792 ♪ Just think what we could do ♪ 3330 01:29:19,792 --> 01:29:21,917 ♪ Those doors 3331 01:29:19,792 --> 01:29:21,917 that we'd break through ♪ 3332 01:29:21,917 --> 01:29:25,000 ♪ The places we could go ♪ 3333 01:29:25,000 --> 01:29:30,875 ♪ Ooh, it's lonely 3334 01:29:25,000 --> 01:29:30,875 at the start ♪ 3335 01:29:30,875 --> 01:29:35,041 ♪ Till my heart says I can ♪ 3336 01:29:36,625 --> 01:29:39,375 ♪ Might be confused 3337 01:29:36,625 --> 01:29:39,375 a little ♪ 3338 01:29:39,375 --> 01:29:42,709 ♪ Flying until I land ♪ 3339 01:29:42,709 --> 01:29:46,834 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪ 3340 01:29:46,834 --> 01:29:53,625 ♪ Nah nah nah nah nah 3341 01:29:46,834 --> 01:29:53,625 nah nah nah ♪ 3342 01:29:54,000 --> 01:29:56,750 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪ 3343 01:29:56,750 --> 01:29:59,542 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3344 01:29:59,542 --> 01:30:02,542 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3345 01:30:02,542 --> 01:30:07,083 ♪ Come see my side ♪ 3346 01:30:08,291 --> 01:30:10,834 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3347 01:30:10,834 --> 01:30:13,709 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3348 01:30:13,709 --> 01:30:18,792 ♪ Come see this side ♪ 3349 01:30:18,792 --> 01:30:24,625 ♪ Ooh, it's lonely 3350 01:30:18,792 --> 01:30:24,625 at the start ♪ 3351 01:30:24,625 --> 01:30:30,166 ♪ Till my heart says I can ♪ 3352 01:30:30,166 --> 01:30:32,875 ♪ Might be confused 3353 01:30:30,166 --> 01:30:32,875 a little ♪ 3354 01:30:32,875 --> 01:30:36,166 ♪ Flying until I land ♪ 3355 01:30:36,166 --> 01:30:39,291 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪ 3356 01:30:39,291 --> 01:30:41,834 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3357 01:30:41,834 --> 01:30:44,834 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3358 01:30:44,834 --> 01:30:50,458 ♪ Come see my side ♪ 3359 01:30:50,458 --> 01:30:53,333 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3360 01:30:53,333 --> 01:30:55,959 ♪ Come with me ♪ 3361 01:30:55,959 --> 01:31:00,875 ♪ Come see this side ♪ 3362 01:31:00,875 --> 01:31:07,000 ♪ Ooh, it's lonely 3363 01:31:00,875 --> 01:31:07,000 at the start ♪ 3364 01:31:07,000 --> 01:31:12,792 ♪ Till my heart says I can ♪ 3365 01:31:12,792 --> 01:31:15,083 ♪ Might be confused 3366 01:31:12,792 --> 01:31:15,083 a little ♪ 3367 01:31:15,083 --> 01:31:18,709 ♪ Flying until I land ♪ 3368 01:31:18,709 --> 01:31:22,875 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪ 3369 01:31:22,875 --> 01:31:28,500 ♪ Nah nah nah nah nah nah 3370 01:31:22,875 --> 01:31:28,500 nah nah nah ♪ 3371 01:31:28,500 --> 01:31:34,125 ♪ Nah nah nah nah nah nah 3372 01:31:28,500 --> 01:31:34,125 nah nah nah ♪ 3373 01:31:34,125 --> 01:31:40,917 ♪ Nah nah nah nah nah 3374 01:31:34,125 --> 01:31:40,917 nah nah nah ♪ 3375 01:31:41,166 --> 01:31:45,333 ♪ What it's like to be a man ♪