1 00:00:03,551 --> 00:00:10,343 All right, so I'm a 15-year-old queer virgin and Sugar's a selfish, using bitch. 2 00:00:11,391 --> 00:00:15,509 But there's nothing like a good girlie chat with your mum to solve an emotional crisis. 3 00:00:15,551 --> 00:00:21,660 He was only good for fucking. Yeah, I got bored. I actually got bored. 4 00:00:21,711 --> 00:00:23,542 Not to mention sore. 5 00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:26,663 And as Stella fell back into the loving arms of her husband, 6 00:00:28,391 --> 00:00:32,179 I tried to nurse my broken heart. 7 00:01:20,591 --> 00:01:24,664 OK, so the stupid Malory Towers gay crush thing had to end. 8 00:01:25,311 --> 00:01:27,108 Sugar was a bitch. 9 00:01:41,991 --> 00:01:44,551 Although kissing her was... 10 00:01:50,356 --> 00:01:52,541 Enough was enough. 11 00:01:55,673 --> 00:01:57,071 Welcome home. 12 00:01:57,077 --> 00:01:59,253 I needed some serious straight-talkers. 13 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:04,622 Welcome home to the heterosexual life that God intended for you. 14 00:02:07,717 --> 00:02:10,503 Hi. I'm Belinda. 15 00:02:10,557 --> 00:02:14,863 I overcame lesbianism in 1999 and now I date men. 16 00:02:16,037 --> 00:02:18,820 Well, one man. Once. 17 00:02:23,116 --> 00:02:25,102 Hi. I'm Gary. 18 00:02:25,156 --> 00:02:28,820 I um... I left homosexuality two years ago 19 00:02:28,878 --> 00:02:34,303 and have been happily married for six months, to a woman, 20 00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:39,300 hoping to begin conjugal relations any day now. 21 00:02:43,957 --> 00:02:47,702 And you too can be like Belinda and Gary, 22 00:02:47,757 --> 00:02:51,980 safe at home with God, 23 00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:57,782 by following our six simple steps along the straight path. 24 00:02:57,838 --> 00:03:02,260 Step one: Use a mantra to focus your mind. 25 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,463 Something that trips off the tongue. "Homos go to hell." 26 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,261 "Gay girls burn." 27 00:03:08,235 --> 00:03:09,940 Or whatever works for you. 28 00:03:09,997 --> 00:03:12,221 OK, it was extreme. 29 00:03:12,278 --> 00:03:14,541 But so was my Sugar addiction. 30 00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:22,231 Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is bad for me. 31 00:03:22,276 --> 00:03:25,822 You only find out what you're really made of when put to the test. 32 00:03:25,888 --> 00:03:30,062 Hey, Kiz. Come down off that E yet? Fucking great night. 33 00:03:30,257 --> 00:03:32,261 Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is... 34 00:03:32,315 --> 00:03:34,703 Oh, God. Crowd out bra. 35 00:03:34,755 --> 00:03:35,811 You're not mad at me, are you? 36 00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:38,170 Stop perving. Stop perving. 37 00:03:38,178 --> 00:03:39,100 What have you taken? 38 00:03:39,195 --> 00:03:42,100 Bad for me. Bad for me. Bad for me. 39 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,130 Give me one. 40 00:03:43,137 --> 00:03:44,131 Sugar is bad for me, Sugar is... 41 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:48,061 OK, then. See you later. 42 00:03:48,115 --> 00:03:49,901 Go and see a doctor. 43 00:03:53,477 --> 00:03:57,350 Success! I passed the test. Beat my demons. 44 00:03:59,277 --> 00:04:01,341 If only I hadn't looked back. 45 00:04:01,395 --> 00:04:04,942 But what do you expect? I was from a family of delusional saddos. 46 00:04:06,116 --> 00:04:08,020 This is nice, isn't it? 47 00:04:08,555 --> 00:04:11,461 You know, all of us together, a family again. 48 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,183 How's school, Kim? 49 00:04:21,077 --> 00:04:22,501 And Sugar? How's she? 50 00:04:22,556 --> 00:04:26,182 Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is bad for me. 51 00:04:26,236 --> 00:04:31,620 Crowd out sexual thoughts with pleasant images of nature. 52 00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:01,292 Step three. 53 00:05:02,398 --> 00:05:05,662 Maintain a chaste lifestyle. 54 00:05:08,557 --> 00:05:09,873 Step four. 55 00:05:09,917 --> 00:05:15,340 As homosexuality is invariably caused by rejection 56 00:05:15,395 --> 00:05:17,502 by a same-sex parent, 57 00:05:17,555 --> 00:05:21,380 we have to try and heal rifts. 58 00:05:21,436 --> 00:05:24,902 I might have known the prodigal mother was the root of my evils. 59 00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,100 Still, steps were steps. 60 00:05:27,158 --> 00:05:29,383 Here. Let me. 61 00:05:29,438 --> 00:05:32,342 Oh, Kim, you darling. 62 00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:36,061 Step five: Hang out with like-minded people. 63 00:05:36,117 --> 00:05:37,102 Yeah? 64 00:05:44,596 --> 00:05:47,232 - I go to the cinema a lot. - Yeah? 65 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,540 What kind of stuff do you like? 66 00:05:52,996 --> 00:05:54,662 Dunno... um... 67 00:05:54,717 --> 00:05:58,263 Comedies. Or anything with Jodie Foster in. 68 00:05:58,315 --> 00:06:01,062 Me too. I love her. 69 00:06:05,196 --> 00:06:08,341 And step six: Read the Bible. 70 00:06:08,397 --> 00:06:10,383 And be sure to pray. 71 00:06:10,435 --> 00:06:13,900 Dear God, please stop me perving over Sugar 72 00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:16,671 and help me find a fit guy to perv over instead. 73 00:06:16,718 --> 00:06:19,903 Or if it turns out you're OK with the whole same-sex thing, 74 00:06:19,956 --> 00:06:23,703 then stop Sugar messing me about and help her find her way into my bed. 75 00:06:27,918 --> 00:06:31,062 That was the thing with God. Who really knew? 76 00:06:31,115 --> 00:06:33,780 Best to keep all bases covered. 77 00:06:34,275 --> 00:06:37,102 Why did you come back? 78 00:06:38,636 --> 00:06:40,622 Why? 79 00:06:42,677 --> 00:06:45,133 For me? 80 00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:47,502 For the kids? 81 00:06:51,437 --> 00:06:53,662 Stella? 82 00:07:09,958 --> 00:07:14,582 The wrath of God is revealed from heaven 83 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:19,463 against all ungodliness and unrighteousness. 84 00:07:19,518 --> 00:07:22,382 It said a lot about my family life that I preferred this. 85 00:07:22,437 --> 00:07:24,422 So there it is, guys. 86 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:27,503 If you give in to vile affections, 87 00:07:27,558 --> 00:07:32,780 if, women, you change the natural use into that which is against nature, 88 00:07:32,835 --> 00:07:39,101 and, men, leave the natural use of women to burn in lust for one another... 89 00:07:40,995 --> 00:07:42,392 well, then. 90 00:07:46,838 --> 00:07:50,142 Whoa. I had a Sugar thing, not a girl thing. 91 00:07:50,195 --> 00:07:53,863 Time to resort to a few steps of my own. 92 00:07:53,918 --> 00:07:59,261 Like drown suspicions of gaydom in vat of alcohol. 93 00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:03,821 Or hang out with a bunch of Neanderthals. 94 00:08:04,997 --> 00:08:06,900 - Can I have a vodka? - No, sorry. 95 00:08:08,356 --> 00:08:10,660 - Just give me a drink. - You're underage. 96 00:08:10,715 --> 00:08:13,141 I'll get it. She's with me. 97 00:08:13,198 --> 00:08:15,502 Here you are. Whatever she wants. 98 00:08:15,555 --> 00:08:17,382 - Thanks. - That's all right. 99 00:08:52,758 --> 00:08:55,023 I forgive you. 100 00:08:57,358 --> 00:08:59,912 - I said... - I heard. 101 00:08:59,955 --> 00:09:03,060 Please stop being so nice to me. 102 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:17,060 Come on. Oh, come on. 103 00:09:18,397 --> 00:09:21,031 - Fuck! - I'm trying. 104 00:09:23,236 --> 00:09:26,142 Hang on. Hang on. 105 00:09:26,196 --> 00:09:28,700 I'm getting there. 106 00:09:31,318 --> 00:09:33,301 Sorry about this. 107 00:10:01,598 --> 00:10:04,313 Hey. What's wrong? 108 00:10:05,155 --> 00:10:07,383 It's not your fault. 109 00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:11,063 Are you a virgin? 110 00:10:11,116 --> 00:10:12,261 For fuck's sake. 111 00:10:12,317 --> 00:10:14,822 Look, I didn't do anything, all right? 112 00:10:14,878 --> 00:10:16,981 I didn't do anything. 113 00:10:28,716 --> 00:10:30,700 Was God having a laugh or what? 114 00:10:30,758 --> 00:10:32,942 I was a hermetically sealed medical freak, 115 00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:35,060 undoubted lesbian, proficient at pool, 116 00:10:35,115 --> 00:10:37,542 but worse, much worse, 117 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:42,423 completely unable to stop thinking about Sugar. 118 00:10:49,197 --> 00:10:53,500 Let's face it, Nathan, it is partly your fault I had an affair. 119 00:10:53,558 --> 00:10:55,031 Look at me. 120 00:10:55,078 --> 00:10:57,342 I'm a red-blooded woman in her prime 121 00:10:57,396 --> 00:11:01,383 and you've turned into some uptight pinny-wearing house husband. 122 00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:03,302 Yeah, you're right. I'll change. 123 00:11:03,355 --> 00:11:08,101 No, don't change, just chill out. 124 00:11:09,315 --> 00:11:10,863 Look. 125 00:11:13,515 --> 00:11:15,903 Unpacking done. 126 00:11:17,038 --> 00:11:19,823 Just try and relax a bit. Be a bit more spontaneous. 127 00:11:19,876 --> 00:11:23,700 - Spontaneous? - Yeah. Spontaneous. 128 00:11:24,635 --> 00:11:27,542 Or you'll tidy yourself out of a marriage. 129 00:11:34,956 --> 00:11:36,350 - Hey. - Hiya. 130 00:11:37,877 --> 00:11:41,221 OK, so sometimes when you're a tortured misfit freak, 131 00:11:41,276 --> 00:11:43,703 a stalker can be quite good company. 132 00:11:45,235 --> 00:11:49,190 Sometimes I wanna just leave and never go back. 133 00:11:49,236 --> 00:11:54,511 Nathan's gone into happy-family overdrive, acting like nothing's ever happened, 134 00:11:54,557 --> 00:12:00,183 and Stella, she's being quiet and nice, 135 00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:05,863 like asking me how school is and stuff like that. 136 00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:08,142 Isn't that what mums are supposed to do? 137 00:12:08,197 --> 00:12:10,623 No. I just wish she'd lay off. 138 00:12:12,156 --> 00:12:13,783 Oh. 139 00:12:13,835 --> 00:12:15,861 I'll see you, then. 140 00:12:21,316 --> 00:12:23,302 Unless... 141 00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:43,860 Hey. 142 00:12:43,918 --> 00:12:45,981 Right, here we are. 143 00:12:46,036 --> 00:12:47,580 OK. 144 00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:57,701 So we've got a Cosmopolitan or a Martini or a Filthy Queer. 145 00:12:58,157 --> 00:13:00,103 It's just one of my own inventions. 146 00:13:00,159 --> 00:13:05,382 It's basically all the spirits we can find with a little bit of Coke 147 00:13:05,437 --> 00:13:07,221 to mess it up a little bit. 148 00:13:12,838 --> 00:13:14,822 Oh. Ooh. 149 00:13:16,237 --> 00:13:18,341 Spontaneous. 150 00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,781 Spontaneous? 151 00:13:24,156 --> 00:13:27,143 Yeah. Spontaneous. 152 00:13:28,395 --> 00:13:30,663 Yeah. Spontaneous. 153 00:13:34,038 --> 00:13:39,943 Spon-tan-e-ou-ou-ous 154 00:13:45,636 --> 00:13:48,621 You know, as the saying goes, it's good to talk, 155 00:13:48,675 --> 00:13:51,061 however economical you are with the truth. 156 00:13:51,118 --> 00:13:55,343 He couldn't get it up. He got me there under false pretences. 157 00:13:55,398 --> 00:13:59,782 He was... What's the male version of a prick tease? 158 00:13:59,836 --> 00:14:02,501 A twat tease. 159 00:14:02,556 --> 00:14:04,621 Yeah, he was that. 160 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,740 - I didn't even fancy him. - Well, you wouldn't, would you? 161 00:14:07,795 --> 00:14:10,581 For fuck's sake, how many times do I have to tell you? 162 00:14:10,598 --> 00:14:13,422 - Sorry. - Anyway, it was just a Sugar thing. 163 00:14:13,476 --> 00:14:16,743 I told you I loved her as a joke. It was a wind-up. 164 00:14:16,796 --> 00:14:18,783 - Mm. - Mm. 165 00:14:18,836 --> 00:14:22,540 Anyway, you love Sugar more than me. 166 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:28,342 Well... Well, as we're talking sexual disasters. 167 00:14:31,478 --> 00:14:33,261 She did tell me. 168 00:14:35,156 --> 00:14:36,180 Yeah. 169 00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,743 I'm gonna be a virgin for ever. 170 00:15:07,997 --> 00:15:10,742 - Steady. Steady. - Nathan. 171 00:15:10,795 --> 00:15:14,143 All right, just sit in the chair. No, keep going forwards. 172 00:15:14,197 --> 00:15:16,941 Keep going. Whoa. 173 00:15:16,998 --> 00:15:20,741 - Please, I... - Sit down now. 174 00:15:20,788 --> 00:15:23,432 - Are you ready? - Mm-hm. 175 00:15:23,478 --> 00:15:25,820 And... da-da! 176 00:15:26,995 --> 00:15:27,981 Oh. 177 00:15:29,118 --> 00:15:31,572 Nathan, I really appreciate all your efforts... 178 00:15:31,635 --> 00:15:36,020 No, I thought we'd skip dinner and just go straight for the fun part. 179 00:15:37,955 --> 00:15:39,581 When do I ever eat puddings? 180 00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:43,412 You always used to. It used to be your favourite part of the meal. 181 00:15:46,916 --> 00:15:47,901 Mm. 182 00:15:50,196 --> 00:15:52,101 Uh- uh. 183 00:15:54,276 --> 00:15:56,380 Mm. Mm. 184 00:15:56,436 --> 00:16:00,061 - Mm. What? - Nothing. 185 00:16:00,118 --> 00:16:03,943 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you didn't want any. 186 00:16:08,796 --> 00:16:10,423 Here. 187 00:16:11,677 --> 00:16:12,992 Here. 188 00:16:17,638 --> 00:16:19,862 Mmm! 189 00:16:19,915 --> 00:16:22,701 - Mmm! Mmm! - Good. 190 00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:40,382 - Are you sure? - Tom, I wanna have sex. We're good to go. 191 00:16:40,437 --> 00:16:44,313 It's got to be better to lose your virginity to the boy next door in a bedroom 192 00:16:44,356 --> 00:16:46,703 than to an ape in a pool hall toilet. 193 00:16:51,116 --> 00:16:53,571 It was nice. Tom was nice. 194 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,823 Of course, it was a whole lot nicer when I... 195 00:17:13,676 --> 00:17:16,581 Although fantasising during my first time... 196 00:17:16,637 --> 00:17:19,860 I'm sure they don't tell you to do that in Cosmo Girl. 197 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:26,391 Come on. Whoa! 198 00:17:32,197 --> 00:17:34,540 Whoa! Come on! 199 00:17:42,157 --> 00:17:44,903 What... You're choking. 200 00:17:44,956 --> 00:17:48,463 All right. Hang on. Come on. Turn round. 201 00:17:49,796 --> 00:17:52,543 Has it gone? Oh, my God. 202 00:17:52,595 --> 00:17:55,621 - Agh! - Oh, my God. Something cracked. 203 00:17:55,677 --> 00:17:58,391 Oh, my God. Don't die. 204 00:17:58,436 --> 00:18:01,343 Please don't die on me, Stella. I love you. 205 00:18:01,398 --> 00:18:03,981 I love you so much. Don't die. 206 00:18:04,035 --> 00:18:07,812 What do you... A drink? 207 00:18:07,877 --> 00:18:10,182 The phone. The phone. Oh, my God. 208 00:18:14,917 --> 00:18:16,501 So, that was sex. 209 00:18:16,557 --> 00:18:18,342 Ambulance, please. 210 00:18:19,756 --> 00:18:22,392 There were lots of positives. I wasn't a virgin anymore. 211 00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:24,821 I wasn't a sealed-up medical freak. 212 00:18:24,877 --> 00:18:26,352 I guess you're not gay afterall. 213 00:18:27,435 --> 00:18:30,221 Shame he had to ruin the moment. 214 00:18:30,278 --> 00:18:32,783 Tom, I've gotta go. 215 00:18:32,838 --> 00:18:34,822 Go? Now? 216 00:18:34,876 --> 00:18:37,592 Homework. 217 00:18:37,636 --> 00:18:39,622 Oh. 218 00:18:54,078 --> 00:18:56,061 Hey. 219 00:18:58,797 --> 00:19:00,782 Thank you. 220 00:19:10,156 --> 00:19:12,141 Bye. 221 00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:20,301 No shooting stars, no comets, 222 00:19:20,356 --> 00:19:23,981 no veil falling to reveal all the secrets of the adult world. 223 00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:26,020 No different. 224 00:19:26,078 --> 00:19:28,862 Just the flashing lights, though. 225 00:19:33,075 --> 00:19:35,662 - What the hell happened? - I took her breath away. 226 00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:39,303 - Literally... Just literally. - What? 227 00:19:39,358 --> 00:19:43,183 She's all right, Kim. It's just a little food mishap. 228 00:19:43,237 --> 00:19:47,303 - Are you all right with Matt? - Yeah. Sure. 229 00:19:49,197 --> 00:19:51,861 - Do you want me to come with you? - No, thanks. I'm OK. 230 00:20:28,478 --> 00:20:30,061 Oh, Jesus, Kiz. 231 00:20:32,476 --> 00:20:35,501 - What are you doing here? - Matt let me in. 232 00:20:35,557 --> 00:20:38,381 And why are you here? 233 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:44,783 I nicked a bottle of whisky from Mum's secret stash. Thought I'd cheer you up. 234 00:20:44,837 --> 00:20:46,941 Moody cow. 235 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:52,221 Only... you weren't here when I got here, and so... 236 00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:55,463 Right, so you can go, then. 237 00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:57,701 Why are you acting so weird? 238 00:20:59,117 --> 00:21:01,422 Not cos of that snog, is it? 239 00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,701 We were on E. It's no big deal. 240 00:21:06,877 --> 00:21:08,580 Come on, Kiz. 241 00:21:09,438 --> 00:21:11,993 - Oh, Kizzy. - It was a big deal to me. 242 00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:20,141 You know how I feel about you. And all you do is fuck me around. 243 00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:25,380 What do you want me to do? Ask you out? 244 00:21:25,436 --> 00:21:27,663 Hold your hand in the playground? 245 00:21:31,076 --> 00:21:34,063 - Just go. - Why? 246 00:21:34,117 --> 00:21:36,501 Isn't this where you want me? 247 00:21:36,557 --> 00:21:39,583 Do you get sadistic pleasure out of taunting me? 248 00:21:39,638 --> 00:21:42,743 Or are you just too thick to realise you're doing it? 249 00:21:58,197 --> 00:22:00,182 Bye, then. 250 00:22:01,475 --> 00:22:05,431 Bitch. Always had to have the last word. 251 00:22:05,477 --> 00:22:07,662 Stand and hold hands for the Lord's Prayer. 252 00:22:13,997 --> 00:22:16,060 Powerful thing, self- belief. 253 00:22:18,356 --> 00:22:20,463 A sudden surge is transforming. 254 00:22:23,918 --> 00:22:26,303 The possession of it, or impression of it, 255 00:22:26,357 --> 00:22:28,142 has a hold over others. 256 00:22:28,198 --> 00:22:31,582 But when it goes, what's left? 257 00:22:31,637 --> 00:22:34,543 Our Father, who art in heaven... 258 00:22:34,595 --> 00:22:36,900 And just a little can make you take a chance. 259 00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:40,461 Thy kingdom come, thy will be done 260 00:22:40,517 --> 00:22:42,970 on earth as it is in heaven. 261 00:22:43,037 --> 00:22:46,423 Give us this day our daily bread 262 00:22:46,475 --> 00:22:48,930 and forgive us our trespasses 263 00:22:48,997 --> 00:22:51,633 as we forgive those who trespass against us. 264 00:22:51,675 --> 00:22:54,541 And lead us not into temptation 265 00:22:54,597 --> 00:22:57,181 but deliver us from evil. 266 00:22:57,235 --> 00:23:00,101 The Lord does move in mysterious ways. 267 00:23:00,157 --> 00:23:01,901 Amen. 268 00:23:04,788 --> 00:23:09,911 Synchronization and corrections Allenmcbeal 269 00:23:12,567 --> 00:23:15,511 Tracklist : "Someone�s Daughter", Beth Orton "Love Shack", The B52�s 270 00:23:15,545 --> 00:23:18,923 "You Know You Should", The Faders "Today Has Been OK", Emiliana Torrini "Touch Me With Your Love", Beth Orton 271 00:23:18,926 --> 00:23:21,923 "Forever", Goldfrapp "Your Girl", Blue States 272 00:23:21,928 --> 00:23:24,923 "Under A Melting Moon", El Hula "Love Train", The O�Jays