1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:05,589 - Tracy, Jenna, we all know what happened when you hosted 2 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:08,926 the St. Patrick's day parade three years ago. 3 00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:11,427 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:12,304 Wake up, mother-. 5 00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,097 - And when you hosted two years ago. 6 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:15,724 - Die, demon! 7 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,392 - Why didn't you ever call me back? 8 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,728 - Unfortunately, unless Harry's law 9 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,372 really took off this week and no one told me, 10 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,607 you two are the biggest stars at the network. 11 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,734 But this year, everything you say 12 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,402 will be scripted and on prompter. 13 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,030 Do not deviate from the script. 14 00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,865 - Jack, Tracy and I are total pros. 15 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,158 - On television, 16 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,370 and when it comes to the assisted suicide debate. 17 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:39,790 Secret handshake, my Baloney. 18 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,402 - Hazel, I won't be here tomorrow, 19 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,211 so... I wanted to give you this. 20 00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,129 It's the tail I had until I was 16. 21 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,049 - Well, don't worry about the parade. 22 00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,621 I'll take care of Tracy and Jenna 23 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,302 like they're my own children. 24 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:53,594 Which is a bad example, 25 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:57,474 because I left my kids at a sears in 2004. 26 00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,935 - Oh, I told you about Mr. Jordan's allergies, right? 27 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,311 - Yes, Kenneth. 28 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,914 He's only allergic to allergy medication. 29 00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:05,274 - But he loves it. And Ms. Mulroney's... 30 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,609 - Kenneth, let go. This is my rodeo now. 31 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,320 Well, not literally, of course. 32 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:15,742 The U.S. rodeo association does not lift lifetime bans. 33 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,121 - So are you gonna work through St. Patrick's day? 34 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,766 Don't you want to celebrate Ireland's great accomplishments, 35 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,501 like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe? 36 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,833 - Wow, Lemon, so I take it 37 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,438 you will not be wearing green tomorrow. 38 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:28,982 - I will be wearing head-to-toe orange, 39 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:31,174 in honor of protestant William of orange, 40 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,177 inventor of the orange, according to yahoo answers. 41 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,346 - You in orange? 42 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,798 You'll look like a creamsicle 43 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,215 with an old tooth stuck in it. 44 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,517 - Well, you'll never see me, 45 00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,787 'cause I don't leave my house on St. Patrick's day. 46 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,188 Criss and I are going to ride out hurricane shamrock 47 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,399 holed up in my apartment, 48 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,651 laughing at excerpts from Angela's ashes. 49 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,921 - You know, some people might find your attitude offensive. 50 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:52,964 - Oh, what are they going to do about it, 51 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:53,988 write a meandering play 52 00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:57,701 about how amazing the Irish are at not overcoming adversity? 53 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:58,702 - Well, I'm sorry we can't all belong 54 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,996 to ethnic groups as beloved as the Germans. 55 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,328 - Please, without Germans, 56 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,267 you wouldn't have any of the Indiana Jones movies. 57 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,572 - Lemon, your secret love of the Irish is well-documented. 58 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,955 After all, I am your mentor, 59 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,546 you dated Dennis Duffy, 60 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,518 and in the '90s, you gave money to the Ira. 61 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,610 - I thought it was contributing to a retirement account. 62 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,274 - You know, I think someone needs to learn 63 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,054 a St. Patrick's day lesson. 64 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,185 - What is that? A curse? 65 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,477 Take it back, you witch! 66 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:32,569 ♪ ♪ 67 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,246 - This American life, 68 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,458 Saturday, march 17th, St. Patrick's day. 69 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,710 You know, everybody complains about the weather, 70 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,283 but today on the program, we meet somebody who actually... 71 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,132 Hey, what are you doing? Get out of my studio! 72 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,259 Happy St. Patrick's day! 73 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,095 - Let go of me! 74 00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,347 Didn't you hear my show on bullying? 75 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,182 - Hey, Criss, watch this. 76 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,103 Megan! Megan! 77 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,437 - Megan! - Megan? 78 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,690 - Look at them spin around. They're so confused. 79 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,566 Awesome. - It's too many megans, right? 80 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:12,858 - I love you. 81 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,026 - Uh-huh. 82 00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:16,231 I just ordered Thai food. How much do you love me now? 83 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,532 - Man, they're fast. 84 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,944 You know what, I can't wait till the asians take over. 85 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,953 - Thank god for delivery, keeping us inside 86 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,414 and safe from all the Irish nonsense. 87 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,373 - Hey, dummy. 88 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,583 - The curse. 89 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,335 - What's up? I'm Dennis, 90 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,505 a former lover of Liz's. - Oh. 91 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,549 - I tried to steal beer from a Duane Reade, 92 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,676 and some black guy cold-cocked me. 93 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:38,677 - Ooh, like a security guard? 94 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,011 - I don't know, pal. 95 00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:44,141 I don't see people that way. 96 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:46,935 - No, no. No. 97 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,604 - Hey, before we go on, 98 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,481 do you want to pray together? - Yeah. 99 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:54,213 Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost... - Oh, great Kabbalah monster... 100 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,528 - NBC is showing the promo I worked on for the parade! 101 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:57,820 I'm famous. 102 00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,490 - And now back to NBC's live coverage 103 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,222 of the 2012 St. Patrick's day parade, 104 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,411 with hosts Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan. 105 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:08,623 - Oh, my god! They said my name first. 106 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,155 - But I'm more famous than you. 107 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:14,212 Oh, this is probably some Hollywood prank, 108 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,964 like on the set of ocean's 12, 109 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,133 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. 110 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,718 I was not in the movie. 111 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,570 - Or maybe now that kidz is a giant hit, 112 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,388 I'm the one america wants to see. 113 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,907 - You better not be talking about 114 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,308 my dear friend, america ferrera. 115 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,760 - Get your stuff out of here, 116 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,616 'cause I get the bigger dressing room now. 117 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,021 I'll replace your lizard 118 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,523 with a gay guy in a giant champagne bottle. 119 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:34,858 - Siri, kill Jenna! 120 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,818 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on? 121 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,130 - I get second billing to this small-boobied grandma? 122 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,032 - No, you guys are friends, remember? "My Baloney"? 123 00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:44,564 - The only Baloney Tracy has is the Baloney he's full of. 124 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,369 Why would you say that? 125 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:47,996 You can't take that back. 126 00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:52,209 Siri: I killed Jenna Elfman. Is that right? 127 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,701 - Did you show them the promo? 128 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,505 Hazel, we don't let them watch NBC. 129 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,197 Jenna thinks that Christina Aguilera 130 00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,609 lost her voice during childbirth, 131 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,818 and Tracy doesn't need to know 132 00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,069 that he just became number two around here. 133 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,929 That kind of mistake can ruin everything. 134 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,431 - I don't like the way you're talking to me. 135 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:10,852 Why don't we drive to sears? I'll buy you a toy. 136 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,026 - Excuse me. May I help you? 137 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,879 - What? We don't use your bathroom when you're not here. 138 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,321 I'm Lutz. 139 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,281 - Frank, first of all, 140 00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:25,158 what are you doing here on a Saturday? 141 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,512 - None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's day 142 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:30,205 because we all have faces people naturally just want to punch. 143 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,832 So we're all hiding out here, 144 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,625 playing Colonizers of Malaar. 145 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,335 It's a strategy board game 146 00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,627 from the makers of goblet quest and virginity keep. 147 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,464 In Malaar, you build a kingdom 148 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,550 and battle for world domination. 149 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,344 Right now, I'm just the lord of the Karthian plains, 150 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,156 but that means I control all the wheat! 151 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,599 - Huh. It's actually interesting. 152 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,977 You have a monopoly on wheat. 153 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,604 But what happens if you overproduce, flood the markets? 154 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,296 Prices drop, your economy collapses. 155 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:57,816 You've got to diversify, Frank. 156 00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,359 It's basic capitalism. 157 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,111 What other resources do you have? 158 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,779 - Uh, unicorns? 159 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,271 - Can you breed and sell them? 160 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,049 There's got to be a market for unicorns. 161 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,286 If I've learned anything from reading Liddy's Princess books, 162 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:11,454 unicorn hair has magical properties. 163 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,015 You've got to know your product, Frank. 164 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,374 - That's awesome. 165 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:15,292 - Ah, it's nothing. 166 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,502 That kind of thinking is what I do for a living. 167 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,588 At least, I used to. 168 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,423 You just have to replace "Malaar" 169 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,341 with "Fairfield, Connecticut," 170 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,428 and "unicorn" with... 171 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:31,349 "Project: Unicorn," a death Ray. 172 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:35,061 - Hot dog truck, huh? I went entrepreneur, too. 173 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,353 I got this new business 174 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,607 where I burn your old DVDs onto laserdisc. 175 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,150 - Whoa, Dennis, 176 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,642 I don't think you should be drinking with a head injury. 177 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,946 That's a good Liz impression, Criss. 178 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,240 She's a bummer. 179 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:48,575 - Well, 911 is still busy. 180 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,786 What could be causing so many medical emergencies today? 181 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,788 Oh, right, an Irish religious festival. 182 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,206 - Irish pride! Go, Celtics! 183 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,498 Celtics suck. Go, Knicks! 184 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,686 - As soon as I get through, I'm getting you an ambulance, 185 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,420 and you are out of here, Dennis. 186 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:01,814 - No, no, no, no, no. I can't get into an ambulance. 187 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,924 I don't have health insurance because of Obama. 188 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,193 - Look, Liz, I don't think he needs to go to the hospital 189 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,928 for a concussion. I was a volunteer EMT. 190 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,323 - At burning man, and we agreed never to talk about that. 191 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,782 - At sunset, the cacti start to resemble 192 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,058 people looking for hugs. 193 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,350 It gets ugly, Liz. 194 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,794 - You know, there's some things I miss about being with you, 195 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:19,064 like having somewhere to hook my sega up to, 196 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,499 but this constant judgment... 197 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,359 Criss deserves better. 198 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,128 - Criss, may I speak to you alone for a minute? 199 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,279 - No. Anything you need to say to him, 200 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,697 you can say in front of me. 201 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,199 Me and Criss... 202 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:31,993 We're bang brothers. - Ugh. 203 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:40,377 - God, live TV's such a rush. 204 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,045 It's like sex, 205 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:44,589 but your husband isn't looking at a picture of a bridge. 206 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,926 - Peter, can you explain this to me? 207 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,053 - Well, obviously I'm host number one. 208 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,429 We all saw the promo. 209 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,683 - Hazel, the script had Tracy and Jenna's names in it. 210 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:55,558 Did you change that? 211 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:56,850 - Duh! 212 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,979 After you pms-ed about their names yesterday, 213 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,106 I thought numbers would make everyone happy. 214 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,651 - We're on in five, four, three... 215 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:09,280 Both: Welcome to the 2012 St. Patrick's day parade on NBC. 216 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,658 - They're both reading host number one. 217 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:12,969 - Would a third host help? 218 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,202 I am S.A.G. eligible, 219 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,205 but I will only do nude stuff if there's a mirror behind me. 220 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,915 - Forget the parade, Hazel! 221 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,750 For six years, we've been tricking them 222 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,242 into thinking they're friends, 223 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,860 and you've undone all that in a day. 224 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,898 Both: I understand you have some interesting trivia 225 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,716 about this year's parade. 226 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,928 No way, that's amazing! 227 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,808 - No. I've moved on. 228 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,894 Both: I couldn't agree more. 229 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:45,983 - I'm playing two timber 230 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,432 and one brick to build a bridge 231 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,530 and establish a trading post in Midgar. 232 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:52,699 That failed... 233 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,744 And the orcs raped everybody. 234 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,456 - Okay, and I am offering Frank 500 gold coins 235 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,548 for the neutral land between the elf kingdoms. 236 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,501 - I'll double it. - The price is now 3000. 237 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,396 - I'll mortgage Theowyn Castle. - I'll take out a loan. 238 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,921 - Don't you see what you're doing? 239 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,524 You're creating a real estate bubble, 240 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,188 and the only person who'll benefit is Sue, 241 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,620 who'll buy up all the neutral land 242 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:12,927 for cents on the dollar. 243 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,219 - Thanks a lot, klootzak. 244 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,906 I don't come to where you work and slap the... 245 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,183 - it's basic macroeconomics, people. 246 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,060 None of you is fit to be King of Malaar. 247 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:23,688 - And you would presume to wield the scepter of Thalbain? 248 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,940 - Yes. 249 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,736 Yes, I would. 250 00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,255 - Why are you being nice to him? 251 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,506 - What, you want me to be jealous? 252 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,824 I'm not that guy. I'm this guy. 253 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,177 - No, you need to know something. 254 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,511 Dennis Duffy is like the Terminator 255 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:38,953 with cheaper sunglasses. 256 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,413 He just keeps coming back, 257 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,145 because his potato brain thinks he still has a chance with me. 258 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,251 - Hey, Liz, you'll be back. 259 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,104 - If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. 260 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,128 - You'll be back. 261 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:49,976 - Never again! - You'll be back, Liz Lemon. 262 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,382 You'll be back. 263 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,360 - I'm not kicking Dennis out of here in his condition. 264 00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,024 Guy with a concussion on St. Patrick's day 265 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,498 is like a horse with a broken leg. 266 00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,640 - Exactly. We should shoot him. 267 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,034 Don't you see what he's doing? 268 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:01,976 He's already driving a wedge between us. 269 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,271 - Criss, get in here. There's a lez movie on showtime. 270 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:09,359 - Um... 271 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:16,074 ♪ ♪ 272 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,249 - Ugh, three again? 273 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:28,253 - And your yak... Has smallpox. 274 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,671 - Rockefeller, no! 275 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,214 - What? 276 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,800 - Dennis is here. 277 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,010 Take back your curse. This isn't funny anymore. 278 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,762 - Oh, really? You're cursed? 279 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,854 Try ruling over the desert wastelands of Kroth 280 00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,349 with no spell cards. 281 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,310 - Are you playing colonizers of Lamar with the writers? 282 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,188 - Malaar, and this game is just dumb luck. 283 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,858 I dug all these trenches to irrigate the desert... 284 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,985 - but no one's playing his rain ca... 285 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,739 - I'm trapped in a barren wasteland, 286 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,159 and no matter what I do, I can't get out. 287 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:00,450 Wait. 288 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,330 Oh, my god, it's happening again. 289 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,250 The desert of Kroth is Kabletown. 290 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,377 I've got to get some fresh air. 291 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,337 - So fine, two can play at this game. 292 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,090 I'm putting an old German curse on you. 293 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,973 - Hey, Dennis had a great idea. - No. 294 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,617 - I should take the hot dog truck out after the parade, 295 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,143 and sell empty buns to drunk people. 296 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,515 - Oh, my god, Criss, he's just trying to get me alone 297 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:30,773 so he can start a gas leak or claim squatter's rights 298 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,233 or hit me over the head, 299 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,205 and when I wake up, we're on our honeymoon. 300 00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:35,820 At SeaWorld. 301 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,464 - Are you sure this is Dennis's obsession? 302 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,968 'Cause you're the one who can't seem to stop talking about him. 303 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,368 - Are you kidding? I know Dennis Duffy's brain. 304 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,370 I saw some of it when he jumped on the ice 305 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,788 during an islanders game. 306 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:46,706 His next move will be 307 00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:51,961 mentioning some fake girlfriend to try to make me jealous... 308 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,380 But I'm going to turn it against him. 309 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:59,093 And once again, the puppet will become the puppet master. 310 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,404 - What does that mean, "once again"? 311 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,055 That's not a thing. 312 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:06,226 - This ends right now. 313 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,896 - Dude, you missed the end of the lez movie. 314 00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:12,106 Their daughter, she goes off to college, 315 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,798 and Mark Ruffalo, he's just gonna do 316 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,387 his own thing with the restaurant. 317 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,171 - Look, is there anyone you want us to call 318 00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,446 to let them know you're okay? 319 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,406 - I left a message for Megan earlier, 320 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,009 but it's hard for her to answer her phone, 321 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,326 'cause her boobs are so big. 322 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,495 - I'm sorry, and who's Megan? 323 00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,387 - She's my lady, Liz. I'm seeing someone. 324 00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,382 She's a card girl at kangaroo boxing matches, 325 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,210 so she's got a body, and she's loaded. 326 00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,545 Her grandfather invented the stop sign. 327 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:36,547 - Wait, are you saying you're over me? 328 00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:38,299 - Elizabeth, don't do this. 329 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,551 Because I am not over you. 330 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,053 I never will be! 331 00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:45,348 I love you, Dennis. I love you so much... 332 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,975 - whoa, what the hell, Liz? 333 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,227 - No, Criss, I'm just proving my point. 334 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,746 - I don't care what you're doing. 335 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,370 So it turns out you can say "I love you," 336 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,607 just not to me. - Wait, what? 337 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,293 - It's not like you haven't had the chance to say it. 338 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,903 Love you. - You're the best. 339 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,281 - Love you. - Scooby-doo. 340 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,366 - I love you. - I just ordered Thai food. 341 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:05,636 - And I thought you were just emotionally infantile. 342 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:08,371 - I am! Me baby. 343 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:09,723 - Yeah. I'm gonna take the truck out. 344 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:12,834 - Oh, no, it's happening. The wedge! 345 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:17,130 Liz, we need to talk. 346 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,465 Open the bag of wine. 347 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,426 - And we're back with our live coverage 348 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,428 of the St. Patrick's day parade. 349 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,306 I'm Al Roker, taking over for Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan. 350 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,766 - He should have said my name first. 351 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,226 Roker should be on my side. 352 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:32,937 - Why, because you both have had huge weight fluctuations? 353 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,361 What? 354 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,156 - Okay, that's not how you're supposed to answer the phone. 355 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,574 Just thought I'd check in. 356 00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,117 - Everything's fine. 357 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,119 Pete says I'm doing great. 358 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,971 I'm not about to screw this up, Kenneth, 359 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,956 'cause I'd get kicked out of show business, 360 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:53,488 and then how would I be famous? 361 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:54,708 By starting a fire 362 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,152 and then rescuing everyone from it? 363 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,047 And then I'm a hero and then I'm in playboy? 364 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,691 - Hazel, are Mr. Jordan and Ms. Maroney fighting? 365 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,759 - Well, you're not a page anymore, Kenneth. 366 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:06,095 That information is classified. 367 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,850 ♪ ♪ 368 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,226 - You look troubled, son. 369 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,854 Would you like to talk about it? 370 00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:16,189 - I'm stuck, father. 371 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:20,026 Stuck in a company that won't innovate or change. 372 00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,445 I feel helpless. Impotent. 373 00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:25,281 Whoa, buy me a drink first. 374 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,373 Sorry, we've been instructed to keep it light. 375 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,993 - Ah. 376 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,285 - Now there's a man who overcame some difficulties. 377 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,331 I'm sure you know the story of St. Patrick, 378 00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,124 driving the snakes out of Ireland. 379 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,685 - I'm going to have to stop you right there, father, 380 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:37,377 'cause I know for a fact 381 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,420 that there were never any snakes in Ireland, 382 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,006 and St. Patrick didn't drive anything out of anywhere. 383 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,133 - Knock, knock. 384 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,487 - First of all, he was born in fourth century Ireland. 385 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,721 He might as well have been born in a grave. 386 00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:52,433 His only worldly possession was no snakes. 387 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,727 But he turned that... 388 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:58,481 Huh... into sainthood, a holiday, 389 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,109 this magnificent cathedral. 390 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,860 He was just some guy 391 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:06,114 starving in the wilderness... 392 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,615 Exactly like me. 393 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,828 But he found a way to change his luck, 394 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:17,166 to take nothing and turn it into... 395 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:21,087 By the scepter of Thalbain. 396 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,926 - Out, now. 397 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,155 Look, Liz, there's something I've got to tell you. 398 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,979 - Not interested. - Megan isn't my girlfriend. 399 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,724 - I know, and I am not letting you... 400 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:34,600 - she's my wife. 401 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:37,019 We just got back from SeaWorld yesterday, 402 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,789 and I know this is hard for you to hear... 403 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,399 - oh, yeah, it's so hard for me to hear about your "wife." 404 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:42,316 I'm so jealous. 405 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,608 - Dennis, baby! 406 00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:44,920 I would have got here sooner, 407 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,572 but I passed out laughing on 69th street. 408 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,241 - That's hilarious, megs. What's up, sugar? 409 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,593 - Hi, how are you? - How are you doing? 410 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,244 - Wait a minute, Megan is real? 411 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,955 I thought you were lying to get us back together. 412 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,391 That's why I said I loved you. 413 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,695 I was trying to call your bluff. 414 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,310 - Wow, you know, that's really messed up, Liz. 415 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,587 - Okay, wait, you said you love him? 416 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:03,879 Okay. 417 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:07,175 You got two minutes to fill a sock with quarters, 418 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,760 and then we go outside. 419 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,172 - Oh, my god, stop it, no more of this Irish nonsense. 420 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,807 Dennis, you came in here, possibly as part of a curse, 421 00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:16,726 and ruined everything! 422 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,269 - What? I did nothing. 423 00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,813 Hey, if anyone's full of Irish nonsense, it's you. 424 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,265 - Excuse me? - Think about it. 425 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,066 You're the one that got all emotional 426 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,838 and made a fool of herself at a party. 427 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,195 - This wasn't a party. 428 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,672 - Tell me about it. It sucked. 429 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,073 Look, you're stubborn, you hold grudges, 430 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,950 you're emotionally repressed. 431 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,386 She's been living with this great guy, 432 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,786 and hasn't said "I love you" yet. 433 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,289 - Really? Not even on a Ferris wheel? 434 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:39,665 - Ugh. - Let's face it, Liz. 435 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,168 You're the most Irish person here. 436 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:43,878 Happy St. Patrick's day, dummy. 437 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,671 - Wait, it's St. Patrick's day? 438 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:49,634 St. Patrick's day, baby. 439 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,431 - The first car is here 440 00:16:55,723 --> 00:17:00,353 for whichever one of you wants to leave first. 441 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,189 Why do I keep doing this stuff? 442 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,484 Is 70 not a good IQ? 443 00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,587 - Well, the bigger star gets the first car. 444 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,411 - But the sign says it's for host number two. 445 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,330 I'm scared, J-Mohr. 446 00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:20,974 And not just 'cause today's the day 447 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,000 that guy that tried to kill me gets out of jail. 448 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,295 I'm scared 'cause... 449 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,297 What if I'm not the biggest star anymore? 450 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,174 - Tracy, I know how you feel. 451 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,146 I've felt that way for the past five years. 452 00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,695 And now that I've gotten everything I wanted, 453 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,514 all I can think about is how quickly it can all go away. 454 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,891 - Tell me about it. A year ago, I won an Oscar. 455 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:39,892 Now look at me. 456 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,228 I had to beg to take over for Andy Rooney. 457 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,813 And it did not go well. 458 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,106 When I was a kid, 459 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692 you could get a prostitute for $5. 460 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,902 - You know what? 461 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,234 I'll read host number two. 462 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,864 - No. We'll read it together. 463 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:57,034 - Aww. 464 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,377 - Know this, Hazel. I will always be here... 465 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,129 For them and for you. 466 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,630 Nothing can ever make me... 467 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,202 Move your car. 468 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,392 - I'd like to spend my remaining gold... 469 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:22,977 To purchase a fire spell. 470 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:26,105 - And against whom will you be casting this spell? 471 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,815 - Against myself. 472 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067 I am setting fire to my own desert. 473 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,112 - You're insane! - Am I? 474 00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:35,489 I'm going to turn my desert into glass, 475 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,075 and glass is a commodity that you all need, 476 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,870 for your elfin oracle mirrors, 477 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,288 for your crystal palace, 478 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:43,700 for the colorful glass beads 479 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,584 that you keep buying for some reason. 480 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,919 - I'm going to wear them to the pirates' ball. 481 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,504 - You need my glass. 482 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,506 And I'll take your gold... 483 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:56,510 And eventually, the throne of 1,000 kings. 484 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,928 You see, it doesn't matter 485 00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,014 if I'm on the wind-blown dunes of Kroth 486 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,807 or in the fluorescent-lit boardrooms 487 00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,684 of 30 Rockefeller Plaza. 488 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,020 I will create something 489 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,148 from nothing. 490 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:13,402 Today Malaar... 491 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,321 Tomorrow Kabletown. 492 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:26,082 - Your highness, you may take your right as King. 493 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:30,044 I am a virgin... With white guys. 494 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,837 - All right, mustard only. 495 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,714 There you go. Enjoy your bun. 496 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,258 - Sorry, sorry. 497 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,030 These are the only green things I own. 498 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,888 More importantly, I have never been with someone 499 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,473 for longer than nine months. 500 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,205 You and I have been together for six, 501 00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,075 so I assume something will go wrong soon. 502 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,978 You'll tell me you believe in ghosts, 503 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,232 or I'll reveal that I am terrible 504 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,859 at expressing my feelings. 505 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,462 But it's not because I don't have them. 506 00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:56,946 It's just because... 507 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,364 I'm used to being let down. 508 00:19:58,656 --> 00:19:59,949 - Wait, is now the time 509 00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,618 on St. Patrick's day when we talk about our feelings? 510 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,121 I don't understand your art, Kevin. 511 00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:09,291 But this isn't fair to you, Criss. 512 00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,711 This is the happiest I've been in a long time, 513 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,964 and I'm sorry that I can't just be a normal person 514 00:20:15,256 --> 00:20:16,841 and tell you stuff. 515 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:20,010 Like, nice stuff. Like... 516 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,679 Greeting card stuff. 517 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,073 - Oh, you're right there, buddy. 518 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,890 Come on, homestretch. 519 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,059 Come on. 520 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,686 Okay. 521 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,104 I love you. 522 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,231 - I know. 523 00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:36,569 You solo-ed me. 524 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,544 Both: Thanks, host number one. 525 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:54,378 Let's take a look at what's happening 526 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,589 live in Rockefeller Plaza. 527 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:57,882 - I love you. 528 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:58,883 - Oh, I got this! 529 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,455 That is a person named Liz Lemon 530 00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,303 who just told some dude she loves him. 531 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,221 - Wow, I have known her a long time, 532 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,873 and she has never said that before. 533 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,725 - It sure is rewarding as a TV viewer 534 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,478 when someone you're invested in shows growth. 535 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,938 Also TV viewers like it when a show ends with a song. 536 00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,523 - ♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪ 537 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,943 ♪ the pipes the pipes are calling ♪ 538 00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:21,947 ♪ from Glen to Glen and down the mountainside... ♪ 539 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,700 Don't you dare fade out on me.