1 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,764 ["Just What I Needed" by The Cars playing] 2 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,569 ♪♪ I don't mind you coming here ♪ 3 00:00:15,336 --> 00:00:17,472 ♪♪ Wasting all my time... ♪ 4 00:00:17,472 --> 00:00:20,208 Mirror! Why? Why? 5 00:00:20,208 --> 00:00:21,876 God. Fucking buttons. 6 00:00:22,777 --> 00:00:26,314 ♪♪ And talking in your sleep ♪ 7 00:00:27,348 --> 00:00:29,418 ♪♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪ 8 00:00:29,418 --> 00:00:30,952 [Evan] Siri, text Malcolm. 9 00:00:30,952 --> 00:00:32,487 Hey, Malcolm, comma, 10 00:00:32,487 --> 00:00:35,256 I'm at this fun teacher's conference thing in Dallas, 11 00:00:35,256 --> 00:00:37,125 comma, you should come. Period. 12 00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:39,060 I have a hotel room with a view of, like, 13 00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:41,128 the parking lot, LOL. Period. 14 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:44,265 Obviously, we can have sex and stuff, too. Period." 15 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,767 Hi. Yo! 16 00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:48,035 - Hey. - Dallas Teachers 17 00:00:48,035 --> 00:00:49,303 and Learning Conference. - [laughs] Hey. 18 00:00:49,303 --> 00:00:50,705 - [Markie] Coming in. - [Evan] Yeah. 19 00:00:50,705 --> 00:00:52,841 - Most fun weekend of the year. - Coming in. 20 00:00:52,841 --> 00:00:53,942 Free hotel, 21 00:00:53,942 --> 00:00:55,343 free continental breakfast, 22 00:00:55,343 --> 00:00:57,779 everybody saying teachers are the real heroes. 23 00:00:57,779 --> 00:01:00,114 You want to meet a real hero, get rescued by the SWAT team. 24 00:01:00,114 --> 00:01:01,383 How would I get in a situation where I'd have 25 00:01:01,383 --> 00:01:02,717 to get rescued by the SWAT team? 26 00:01:02,717 --> 00:01:04,486 Yeah, right? Why do we need to learn... 27 00:01:04,486 --> 00:01:06,087 - I'd have to drive my car off a bridge? - Right. 28 00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:07,255 What does the SWAT team do? They kill people? 29 00:01:07,255 --> 00:01:08,489 - What do they do? - Oh, there he is! 30 00:01:08,489 --> 00:01:10,591 You excited for your speech tomorrow? 31 00:01:10,591 --> 00:01:11,892 - [Grant] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. - [overlapping chatter] 32 00:01:11,892 --> 00:01:13,528 - The speech! - [Gwen] Oh, God. 33 00:01:13,528 --> 00:01:15,063 His big speech. 34 00:01:15,063 --> 00:01:16,597 [quietly] It is so bad. 35 00:01:16,597 --> 00:01:18,133 He has jokes in there... 36 00:01:18,133 --> 00:01:20,501 that are so not funny. Look at this. 37 00:01:20,501 --> 00:01:23,738 "Arnold Schwarzenegger voice: I'll teach math." Oh, my God. 38 00:01:23,738 --> 00:01:26,441 [Gwen] And it says, "hold for ha, ha, ha." 39 00:01:26,441 --> 00:01:27,909 We need to do some punch-ups. 40 00:01:27,909 --> 00:01:29,277 [speaker] Hello, everyone. 41 00:01:29,277 --> 00:01:30,679 It's been a very hard start to the year, 42 00:01:30,679 --> 00:01:31,679 in fiscal terms. 43 00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:33,114 And I'll be blunt. 44 00:01:33,114 --> 00:01:34,582 When it comes to the teacher's pension fund, 45 00:01:34,582 --> 00:01:37,886 we're approaching what I would generously call 46 00:01:37,886 --> 00:01:39,521 a worst-case scenario. 47 00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:40,889 Damn, girl. 48 00:01:40,889 --> 00:01:42,423 Thank God I don't have to worry about that pension shit. 49 00:01:42,423 --> 00:01:43,858 I got my money doing other things, 50 00:01:43,858 --> 00:01:45,126 if you know what I mean. 51 00:01:45,126 --> 00:01:47,195 You know you still have a pension. 52 00:01:47,195 --> 00:01:48,463 It happens automatically. 53 00:01:48,463 --> 00:01:50,031 Shut up, dude. 54 00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:54,235 [speaker 2] Post-COVID, 20 to 25% of students 55 00:01:54,235 --> 00:01:55,937 are, in a sense, hopeless. 56 00:01:55,937 --> 00:01:57,405 [scoffs] Oof. 57 00:01:57,405 --> 00:02:00,441 So, yes, we are starting to encourage teachers 58 00:02:00,441 --> 00:02:02,744 to get a second full-time job. 59 00:02:02,744 --> 00:02:04,445 A second full-time job? 60 00:02:04,445 --> 00:02:07,081 Teachers can now be sued by their students, 61 00:02:07,081 --> 00:02:09,417 - and here's why that's bad. - Damn. 62 00:02:09,417 --> 00:02:11,786 Students are striking teachers, 63 00:02:11,786 --> 00:02:16,190 either with their fists or blunt objects, 30%... 64 00:02:16,190 --> 00:02:18,259 Is it all bad news this year? 65 00:02:18,259 --> 00:02:19,561 - Man, I wish. - There's a fucking viral video 66 00:02:19,561 --> 00:02:20,962 of one of these kids beating my ass. 67 00:02:20,962 --> 00:02:23,364 This is so depressing. 68 00:02:23,364 --> 00:02:26,234 I feel like teaching is just over. 69 00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:28,170 Did we choose a dying profession? 70 00:02:28,170 --> 00:02:31,639 No, I think a dying profession chose us. 71 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:33,508 [Rick] Hey, hey! Yo, you guys got to meet Mitch. 72 00:02:33,508 --> 00:02:35,677 Get this, he might be our new coworker soon. 73 00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:36,777 He likes football. 74 00:02:36,777 --> 00:02:37,878 - Oh, exciting. - Oh, cool. 75 00:02:37,878 --> 00:02:39,147 Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you. 76 00:02:39,147 --> 00:02:40,649 Nice to meet you. That's so exciting. 77 00:02:40,649 --> 00:02:41,850 What'd you interview for? 78 00:02:41,850 --> 00:02:44,286 For new P.E. teacher and athletic director. 79 00:02:44,286 --> 00:02:45,854 The new P.E. teacher? 80 00:02:45,854 --> 00:02:48,690 Yeah, I met with, um, Grant, uh, Mariachi? 81 00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:50,458 - Grant Moretti. - Principal Moretti. - [Mitch] Grant Moretti. Yeah. 82 00:02:50,458 --> 00:02:52,060 It went really well. [chuckles] 83 00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:53,428 Wait, but did you interview to 84 00:02:53,428 --> 00:02:55,430 be an-an additional P.E. teacher 85 00:02:55,430 --> 00:02:56,932 or to replace the one that's there? 86 00:02:56,932 --> 00:02:58,232 Replacement. Replacement. 87 00:02:58,232 --> 00:02:59,434 [Markie] Arms up. Right in the middle. 88 00:02:59,434 --> 00:03:01,002 Right? Now you got the ball, right? 89 00:03:01,002 --> 00:03:03,404 - No. - We got to-- Take-take our spots in line. 90 00:03:03,404 --> 00:03:05,606 Uh, sick. Told you these guys rock. 91 00:03:05,606 --> 00:03:07,842 - Beer or tequila? Yes! - Both. 92 00:03:07,842 --> 00:03:10,312 - So insane. - So sad. 93 00:03:10,312 --> 00:03:12,614 - I really hope this is not the case. - Grant. 94 00:03:12,614 --> 00:03:15,616 - Oh, fuck. - [knocking on door] 95 00:03:16,918 --> 00:03:18,386 - Yes? - [Evan] Hey. 96 00:03:18,386 --> 00:03:19,888 Are you firing Markie? 97 00:03:19,888 --> 00:03:21,790 - That's complex. - [Evan] Wait. 98 00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:23,224 You're already in a robe? 99 00:03:23,224 --> 00:03:24,825 Yes. Yes. When I check into a hotel, 100 00:03:24,825 --> 00:03:26,060 I get into my robe immediately. 101 00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:27,462 It's one of life's little pleasures. 102 00:03:27,462 --> 00:03:29,197 Plus, I got the room upgrade, 103 00:03:29,197 --> 00:03:31,599 so there's a steam shower in there. 104 00:03:31,599 --> 00:03:34,102 - Thank you. - Wait, are you firing Markie or not? 105 00:03:34,102 --> 00:03:35,569 [sighs] 106 00:03:35,569 --> 00:03:37,439 You know what? There are certain things that my job 107 00:03:37,439 --> 00:03:39,440 requires me to do that I might not necessarily want to do. 108 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,576 - You're firing Markie. - Oh, my God. Oh, shit. 109 00:03:41,576 --> 00:03:42,777 Oh, God. Gwendolyn, 110 00:03:42,777 --> 00:03:44,545 Evan, let's not make this any more complicated 111 00:03:44,545 --> 00:03:46,414 than it already is, all right? The end. 112 00:03:46,414 --> 00:03:47,949 Now, can you leave me alone, please? 113 00:03:47,949 --> 00:03:49,984 Wait. Uh, we had a couple thoughts about your speech. 114 00:03:49,984 --> 00:03:52,320 Oh. All right, what are those thoughts? 115 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,221 Some of the jokes are bad 116 00:03:54,221 --> 00:03:55,623 - or not hitting. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 117 00:03:55,623 --> 00:03:57,759 I'm not doing this right now. No, thank you. 118 00:03:57,759 --> 00:03:59,594 - But if we just helped you just a little bit? - I'm having robe time. 119 00:03:59,594 --> 00:04:01,562 We'll talk about this at dinner. Goodbye. 120 00:04:03,030 --> 00:04:05,099 What do you think happens during robe time? 121 00:04:05,099 --> 00:04:08,202 Probably watches Extra with Mario Lopez. 122 00:04:08,202 --> 00:04:10,172 [Evan] Grant was acting 123 00:04:10,172 --> 00:04:11,939 - so weird. - I know. He's acting 124 00:04:11,939 --> 00:04:13,475 - like he's hiding a hooker. - Evan? 125 00:04:13,475 --> 00:04:16,077 - Oh, my God, Pasha! - Holy shit. 126 00:04:16,077 --> 00:04:17,312 Dude, how are you? 127 00:04:17,312 --> 00:04:19,080 Talk about a blast from the past. 128 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:20,515 - [laughs] - This is Pasha. 129 00:04:20,515 --> 00:04:22,217 This is one of my best friends from college. 130 00:04:22,217 --> 00:04:23,785 - Hi. What's up? - [Pasha] Hey. Nice to meet you. 131 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:25,587 - [Evan] Dude. - You're here with what? Sourcely? 132 00:04:25,587 --> 00:04:27,154 Yeah, we, uh, we bang off, like ten of these things a year. 133 00:04:27,154 --> 00:04:28,690 - [chuckles] - Whoa. 134 00:04:28,690 --> 00:04:30,191 What does, uh, Sourcely do? 135 00:04:30,191 --> 00:04:31,660 There's, like, a giant market 136 00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:33,261 for unused grid power, and so what we do 137 00:04:33,261 --> 00:04:34,496 is corporate-side energy arbitrage. 138 00:04:34,496 --> 00:04:36,330 - Mm. Yeah, yeah. - So, we work with, like, 139 00:04:36,330 --> 00:04:37,966 municipalities, commercial real estate, 140 00:04:37,966 --> 00:04:38,966 even some residential. 141 00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:40,368 Oh, yeah, for sure. 142 00:04:40,368 --> 00:04:41,870 Yeah. Five to seven years, 143 00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:43,871 someone's gonna come out on top of this sector. 144 00:04:43,871 --> 00:04:45,273 Might as well be us. 145 00:04:45,273 --> 00:04:47,109 - Exactly. [laughs] Yeah. - [Gwen] Exactly, yeah. 146 00:04:47,109 --> 00:04:48,109 [clears throat] 147 00:04:48,109 --> 00:04:49,544 Wait, wait, is this wifey? 148 00:04:49,544 --> 00:04:52,147 [laughs] No. I'm still gay. This is Gwen, 149 00:04:52,147 --> 00:04:53,381 - my best friend. - [Pasha and Gwen laugh] 150 00:04:53,381 --> 00:04:54,516 Well, you haven't converted him yet. 151 00:04:54,516 --> 00:04:55,983 - [both laugh] - I'm trying. 152 00:04:55,983 --> 00:04:57,452 I'm trying to get him in the sack. 153 00:04:57,452 --> 00:04:58,720 Oh, I love that. 154 00:04:58,720 --> 00:04:59,788 Yeah. We work together. 155 00:04:59,788 --> 00:05:01,322 We're, um, we're-we're teachers. 156 00:05:01,322 --> 00:05:02,490 - Oh, nice. - [Gwen] We're teachers. 157 00:05:02,490 --> 00:05:04,225 [Pasha] Teachers. Wow. 158 00:05:04,225 --> 00:05:06,794 Yeah, I got to say, you guys are the real heroes. 159 00:05:06,794 --> 00:05:08,430 - [chuckles] - Thank you. 160 00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:09,931 Hey, listen, I got to peace out, but let's link tonight. 161 00:05:09,931 --> 00:05:11,133 Yeah, let's hang out. 162 00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:12,400 You guys want some swag bags? 163 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,802 - [Gwen] Hell yeah. - [Evan] Really? 164 00:05:13,802 --> 00:05:15,170 God, I love swag bags. 165 00:05:15,170 --> 00:05:16,704 - We don't get swag bags. - Oh, my God. 166 00:05:16,704 --> 00:05:18,339 All right, cool. Well, listen, I'll message you, 167 00:05:18,339 --> 00:05:20,108 and we'll-we'll hang tonight, probably. 168 00:05:20,108 --> 00:05:21,309 Yeah, yeah, let's let it rip. 169 00:05:21,309 --> 00:05:22,577 Wow. 170 00:05:22,577 --> 00:05:24,278 I can't picture you guys being friends. 171 00:05:24,278 --> 00:05:25,480 He's so business-y. 172 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:26,715 He does this thing when he's drunk. 173 00:05:26,715 --> 00:05:27,982 He just shows you his dick, 174 00:05:27,982 --> 00:05:29,116 - and it's like... - Oh, you love that. 175 00:05:34,122 --> 00:05:36,224 If you decrease the amount of education being administered, 176 00:05:36,224 --> 00:05:38,593 you'll also be decreasing burnout. 177 00:05:38,593 --> 00:05:41,529 And isn't that, after all, what we're all 178 00:05:41,529 --> 00:05:42,430 trying to do? 179 00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:43,965 How often do you go up to Grant 180 00:05:43,965 --> 00:05:46,734 and, like, tell him that you appreciate him as a boss? 181 00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:48,036 Why? 182 00:05:48,036 --> 00:05:49,670 Good vibes, job security, whatever. 183 00:05:49,670 --> 00:05:53,107 Grant would never have the balls to fire me. Dude's a coward. 184 00:05:53,107 --> 00:05:54,976 You remember the chem teacher, Mrs. Davison? 185 00:05:54,976 --> 00:05:58,280 She missed, like, three months last year. Kept her job. 186 00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,981 She was on maternity leave. 187 00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:01,182 [Rick] Have you guys seen her baby? 188 00:06:01,182 --> 00:06:03,184 It's so tall, freaks me out. 189 00:06:03,184 --> 00:06:04,852 I had to block her on Instagram. 190 00:06:04,852 --> 00:06:06,220 It looks like Slender Man. 191 00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:08,924 And now, I'll take any questions you may have 192 00:06:08,924 --> 00:06:10,892 about student burnout. 193 00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:12,527 What is going on? 194 00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:15,963 These seminars are bumming me out, man. 195 00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:18,767 Mmm. This chicken piccata is flames. Phew. 196 00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:21,102 Might have to order another. Hey, papi. 197 00:06:21,102 --> 00:06:23,338 You're gonna get another one? You shouldn't even eat that one. 198 00:06:23,338 --> 00:06:24,639 It looks undercooked. 199 00:06:24,639 --> 00:06:25,873 I asked for it that way. 200 00:06:25,873 --> 00:06:27,975 Chicken's like salmon, you want the pink part 201 00:06:27,975 --> 00:06:30,011 - to be room temp, hon. - Okay, hon. 202 00:06:30,011 --> 00:06:32,847 Grant, these jokes. "Teachers lounge: 203 00:06:32,847 --> 00:06:34,548 yeah, they sure do"? What? 204 00:06:34,548 --> 00:06:36,417 [Gwen] That's in there, like, four times. 205 00:06:36,417 --> 00:06:38,119 It's called a callback. 206 00:06:38,119 --> 00:06:39,587 Call back that joke. 207 00:06:39,587 --> 00:06:41,890 Evan, Gwendolyn, I know my audience. 208 00:06:41,890 --> 00:06:43,324 I know what I'm doing. 209 00:06:43,324 --> 00:06:44,426 Well, if you don't want to rework the jokes, 210 00:06:44,426 --> 00:06:45,793 maybe we can just cut them. 211 00:06:45,793 --> 00:06:47,361 It doesn't have to be, like, a comedy speech. 212 00:06:47,361 --> 00:06:48,763 No. He doesn't have to lose the jokes 213 00:06:48,763 --> 00:06:50,498 if he's willing to lose the entire speech. 214 00:06:50,498 --> 00:06:52,867 This is, like, a page one rewrite, at best. 215 00:06:52,867 --> 00:06:54,569 - Markie. - I mean, he means, like, 216 00:06:54,569 --> 00:06:57,539 yeah, there's still time to polish it. 217 00:06:57,539 --> 00:06:59,841 They're saying it can be good. It has potential to be good. 218 00:06:59,841 --> 00:07:01,642 [Markie] Yeah, polish this part about how you 219 00:07:01,642 --> 00:07:03,744 -"love driving through car washes." - Mm-hmm. 220 00:07:03,744 --> 00:07:05,380 What does that have to do with being a principal? 221 00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:07,015 I get, I get to it at the end. 222 00:07:07,015 --> 00:07:08,349 Just read on, read on. 223 00:07:08,349 --> 00:07:09,884 I mean, this reads like you can't read. 224 00:07:09,884 --> 00:07:11,586 - [whispers] Markie. - [Markie] Like you assigned 225 00:07:11,586 --> 00:07:13,121 a bunch of kids in detention to write it for you. 226 00:07:13,121 --> 00:07:14,622 Wait. 227 00:07:14,622 --> 00:07:17,625 My cousin created his own version of ChatGPT 228 00:07:17,625 --> 00:07:20,061 to write a more fucked-up version of Breaking Bad, dude. 229 00:07:20,061 --> 00:07:21,830 You can use that for your speech. 230 00:07:21,830 --> 00:07:23,431 That's it. I'm-- 231 00:07:23,431 --> 00:07:25,600 - I'm done eating, thank you very much. - [scoffs] 232 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,635 - Thank you very much. - Grant. 233 00:07:27,635 --> 00:07:29,737 I mean, what's he gonna do? Fire me? 234 00:07:29,737 --> 00:07:32,039 [Markie chuckles] 235 00:07:33,541 --> 00:07:34,642 [sighs] 236 00:07:35,777 --> 00:07:37,812 Oh, my God. 237 00:07:37,812 --> 00:07:39,714 [groans] 238 00:07:40,448 --> 00:07:41,549 - Hey, queen. - [screams] Oh, my God. 239 00:07:41,549 --> 00:07:43,351 - What's up? - Whoa, Malcolm. 240 00:07:43,351 --> 00:07:45,020 - Hi. - Oh, my God. I forgot I invited you. 241 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:47,222 - [scoffs] Okay, thank you. - Hi. 242 00:07:47,222 --> 00:07:49,124 Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted. 243 00:07:49,124 --> 00:07:51,126 We had this crazy day where we were, like, 244 00:07:51,126 --> 00:07:52,860 we were at all these seminars and, like, 245 00:07:52,860 --> 00:07:56,297 every seminar is like, "This is why teaching 246 00:07:56,297 --> 00:07:59,000 is worse than it's ever been," and, "Here's how to deal 247 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,102 with your students hitting you." 248 00:08:01,102 --> 00:08:03,638 And it was like, "Oh, my God." 249 00:08:03,638 --> 00:08:05,707 - Oh, no. - What? 250 00:08:05,707 --> 00:08:08,209 I came here to fuck and order room service. 251 00:08:08,209 --> 00:08:09,911 I drove, like, three hours, and now you're 252 00:08:09,911 --> 00:08:13,448 talking about "Am I living the life I'm supposed to live?" 253 00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:16,084 Like... [groans] 254 00:08:16,084 --> 00:08:17,485 No, but I'm serious. Like... 255 00:08:17,485 --> 00:08:19,454 Just talk to me for a second, okay? 256 00:08:19,454 --> 00:08:22,090 Do you really think I should be a teacher? 257 00:08:22,090 --> 00:08:23,891 Like, is it worth it? 258 00:08:23,891 --> 00:08:27,094 Am I like that guy pushing the boulder up the hill? 259 00:08:27,094 --> 00:08:29,363 - What's his name? - Robert? 260 00:08:34,602 --> 00:08:36,137 Question eight. Name the five types 261 00:08:36,137 --> 00:08:37,272 of proteins available on the Chipotle menu. 262 00:08:37,272 --> 00:08:39,640 - Okay, lamb-- - Immediately no. 263 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,643 What was the question to number three? 'Cause we wrote 264 00:08:41,643 --> 00:08:43,211 "James Madison," and then we crossed it out 265 00:08:43,211 --> 00:08:44,712 and put "Run-DMC." That can't be right. 266 00:08:44,712 --> 00:08:47,182 You should come down to the batting cages, man. 267 00:08:47,182 --> 00:08:48,583 I know the guy there. 268 00:08:48,583 --> 00:08:50,051 He'll let me unplug the machine. I can just... 269 00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:51,118 And then I would just... [clicking tongue] 270 00:08:51,118 --> 00:08:52,186 [Markie] Whoo-hoo-hoo. 271 00:08:52,186 --> 00:08:53,855 Socking dingers all day! 272 00:08:53,855 --> 00:08:56,925 This is so crazy. He's, like, talking to his replacement, 273 00:08:56,925 --> 00:08:58,360 and he doesn't even know. 274 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,061 Oh, my God. We have to do something about it. 275 00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:01,829 He's gonna figure this out later and be like, 276 00:09:01,829 --> 00:09:03,164 "You guys didn't tell me?" 277 00:09:03,164 --> 00:09:04,165 I don't want to be the one to tell him. 278 00:09:04,165 --> 00:09:05,500 [Gwen] Well, me neither. 279 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:06,801 I feel like that's kind of a job for Grant, 280 00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:08,202 if we're gonna be honest 'cause 281 00:09:08,202 --> 00:09:09,137 - he's the principal. - He's the principal. 282 00:09:09,137 --> 00:09:10,204 Okay, good. It was good 283 00:09:10,204 --> 00:09:11,540 working through that with you. 284 00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:12,841 - [Polly] Next question... - [phone whooshes] 285 00:09:12,841 --> 00:09:13,675 [Gwen] Who are you texting? 286 00:09:13,675 --> 00:09:14,576 That guy Pasha. 287 00:09:14,576 --> 00:09:15,810 Pasha? Who's that? 288 00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:17,612 You know that company Sourcely he works for? 289 00:09:17,612 --> 00:09:19,748 - [Gwen and Rick] Yeah. - They're doing some huge party. 290 00:09:19,748 --> 00:09:21,449 Look, light-up dance floor. 291 00:09:21,449 --> 00:09:23,385 - Oh, my God. We're-- - I think I'm gonna sneak out and go. 292 00:09:23,385 --> 00:09:25,453 - You guys stay here. - Yeah, we'll come with you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 293 00:09:25,453 --> 00:09:26,788 - Let's go. A little party. - I would love, I would love to. 294 00:09:26,788 --> 00:09:27,822 This trivia's impossible. 295 00:09:27,822 --> 00:09:29,057 Your mom still in the picture? 296 00:09:29,057 --> 00:09:31,292 We don't talk much, you know? But... 297 00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:33,027 Markie, we're going to a party. Come with us. 298 00:09:33,027 --> 00:09:34,162 Hoes before bros. 299 00:09:34,162 --> 00:09:35,196 [both laugh] 300 00:09:35,196 --> 00:09:36,298 I'm so glad we met. 301 00:09:36,298 --> 00:09:37,365 [grunts] I'm gonna text you. 302 00:09:37,365 --> 00:09:39,200 All right, later, losers. 303 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,335 We're gonna party with rich people. [laughs] 304 00:09:41,335 --> 00:09:43,871 ♪♪ You've got the touch ♪ 305 00:09:43,871 --> 00:09:45,573 ♪♪ Of love... ♪ 306 00:09:45,573 --> 00:09:48,143 [laughs] Ring-a-ding-ding. There he is. 307 00:09:48,143 --> 00:09:50,745 - The king has arrived. - [both laugh] 308 00:09:50,745 --> 00:09:53,548 Uh, hey, Dan, Eileen, come over here. Meet my boy Evan. 309 00:09:53,548 --> 00:09:55,951 - What's up, man? Dan. - [Pasha] This guy was such 310 00:09:55,951 --> 00:09:57,952 a legend back in college. 311 00:09:57,952 --> 00:09:59,587 Yeah, let me tell you, when Spring Fling got cancelled, 312 00:09:59,587 --> 00:10:01,790 he single-handedly found this sick-ass warehouse 313 00:10:01,790 --> 00:10:03,258 and convinced Passion Pit to perform for free. 314 00:10:03,258 --> 00:10:05,660 - Passion Pit? - Yeah, that was crazy. 315 00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:08,229 I can't believe they slept on my nasty couch. 316 00:10:08,229 --> 00:10:10,665 Damn, that couch sounds nasty. 317 00:10:10,665 --> 00:10:12,633 Yuck. 318 00:10:13,334 --> 00:10:15,803 This is Rick, guys, sorry, we work together. 319 00:10:15,803 --> 00:10:17,338 I just want to say that 320 00:10:17,338 --> 00:10:19,441 I-I indubitably love what you guys are doing 321 00:10:19,441 --> 00:10:21,876 in terms of solar and those such things. 322 00:10:21,876 --> 00:10:23,178 - Wow. Well, uh... - [Dan] Thank you. 323 00:10:23,178 --> 00:10:24,879 Indub-Indubitably thank you. 324 00:10:24,879 --> 00:10:26,280 [all laugh] 325 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,648 Yeah, but what you guys do, honestly, like, 326 00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:29,450 teaching and shit, I mean, that is so noble. 327 00:10:29,450 --> 00:10:30,585 - [Dan] So freaking noble. - [Pasha] You know, you know, 328 00:10:30,585 --> 00:10:32,386 we need bad-ass educators like you 329 00:10:32,386 --> 00:10:33,821 to teach the next gen how to think critically 330 00:10:33,821 --> 00:10:34,990 because there's so much dis-info out there. 331 00:10:34,990 --> 00:10:36,057 - Preach. - Preach! 332 00:10:36,057 --> 00:10:37,225 Oh, thanks. Yeah, I-I mostly, 333 00:10:37,225 --> 00:10:38,627 I feel like my job 334 00:10:38,627 --> 00:10:40,094 is just telling kids to put their phones away. 335 00:10:40,094 --> 00:10:42,564 [laughter] 336 00:10:42,564 --> 00:10:43,898 Whereas, I, um, 337 00:10:43,898 --> 00:10:46,534 am more... that's... School stuff is a side hustle. 338 00:10:46,534 --> 00:10:49,971 - I'm more of a-a successful business consultant. - Oh. 339 00:10:49,971 --> 00:10:52,340 - You want to go grab a drink? - Oh, yeah. Let's do it. 340 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:54,042 - I'm empty. - [Dan] Tell me a little more 341 00:10:54,042 --> 00:10:55,409 about this, uh, business card. 342 00:10:55,409 --> 00:10:57,813 "Businessman extraordinaire, CEO." 343 00:10:57,813 --> 00:10:59,247 You put "bitch" on there. 344 00:10:59,247 --> 00:11:01,215 Yeah, we keep it weird in Austin. [laughs] 345 00:11:01,215 --> 00:11:02,850 Do you guys ever go to The Moth? 346 00:11:02,850 --> 00:11:04,986 ♪ ♪ 347 00:11:04,986 --> 00:11:06,888 I got four dogs, four dog walkers. 348 00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:08,023 - Wow. - Plus, my boss 349 00:11:08,023 --> 00:11:09,291 lets me work at home a ton. 350 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,025 My new home office is sick. 351 00:11:11,025 --> 00:11:12,260 You bought a house? 352 00:11:12,260 --> 00:11:13,962 Yeah, I bought it last fall, in cash. 353 00:11:13,962 --> 00:11:16,064 - [laughs] - [sighs] The dream, man. 354 00:11:16,064 --> 00:11:17,632 I haven't even 355 00:11:17,632 --> 00:11:20,435 been able to think about buying a house, honestly. 356 00:11:20,435 --> 00:11:22,236 Can barely get enough money scraped up 357 00:11:22,236 --> 00:11:24,172 to even put anything in my savings. 358 00:11:24,172 --> 00:11:26,274 Everybody's always judging capitalism, 359 00:11:26,274 --> 00:11:29,043 and it's like, well, what are you gonna do? Die poor? 360 00:11:29,043 --> 00:11:31,880 No. It's disgusting. You know, 361 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,316 we need good people at Sourcely. 362 00:11:34,316 --> 00:11:36,785 [laughs] That's so nice. Thanks. 363 00:11:36,785 --> 00:11:38,019 No, I don't... I mean, 364 00:11:38,019 --> 00:11:40,121 I wouldn't know anything about solar... 365 00:11:40,121 --> 00:11:43,925 uh, municipal arbit-- What is it? Arbitration? 366 00:11:43,925 --> 00:11:46,093 [laughs] Arbitrage. Yeah, who cares? 367 00:11:46,093 --> 00:11:47,662 All you have to do is know about people, 368 00:11:47,662 --> 00:11:49,631 and you know people. 369 00:11:49,631 --> 00:11:50,999 You just say the word, 370 00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:53,200 and we can start having this conversation for real. 371 00:11:54,535 --> 00:11:56,771 [Rick] We need to get one of these tubs at the school. 372 00:11:56,771 --> 00:11:59,440 Can't afford pencils, Rick. We're not gonna get a hot tub. 373 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,075 Duh, can't afford pencils. 374 00:12:01,075 --> 00:12:02,243 [laughs] 375 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:03,845 What's up with you? You good? 376 00:12:03,845 --> 00:12:05,713 I don't know. [laughs] 377 00:12:05,713 --> 00:12:07,582 You guys ever think about what your life would be like 378 00:12:07,582 --> 00:12:10,284 if you did something completely different for work? 379 00:12:10,284 --> 00:12:11,553 - Dude, yes. - [Grant] Oh, go to one 380 00:12:11,553 --> 00:12:13,487 fancy party, and all of a sudden, 381 00:12:13,487 --> 00:12:15,790 you're questioning your whole life, huh? 382 00:12:15,790 --> 00:12:17,959 It's all fool's gold, boys. 383 00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:19,460 Fool's gold is still gold. 384 00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:22,263 What would you do if you suddenly had, like, 385 00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:24,666 a ton of free time? 386 00:12:24,666 --> 00:12:26,501 Like, so much. 387 00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:28,570 Probably get back into fighting shape. 388 00:12:28,570 --> 00:12:30,838 - That's cool. - [Markie] Yeah. 389 00:12:30,838 --> 00:12:32,340 - Why? - [Gwen] No reason. 390 00:12:32,340 --> 00:12:34,609 Will you come over here? I feel like I'm shouting at you. 391 00:12:34,609 --> 00:12:37,145 I'm in. No, I'm in. This is-- I'm fine. 392 00:12:37,145 --> 00:12:38,880 What are you, afraid? Can't swim? 393 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,049 [laughs] Who told you that? 394 00:12:41,049 --> 00:12:42,183 What? 395 00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:43,618 I can't swim. 396 00:12:43,618 --> 00:12:45,720 Oh, wait, no, I was kidding. Are you serious? 397 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,288 It's not something I'm proud of, okay? 398 00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,524 Wait, but you coach the swim team. 399 00:12:49,524 --> 00:12:52,294 I know. I-- It's like it's a different skillset entirely, 400 00:12:52,294 --> 00:12:54,428 all right? It's-- You don't see Belichick out there 401 00:12:54,428 --> 00:12:55,196 running... 402 00:12:55,196 --> 00:12:56,731 routes and wearing pads 403 00:12:56,731 --> 00:12:57,999 and whatnot. Look... 404 00:12:57,999 --> 00:12:59,267 It would mean a lot 405 00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:00,535 if you just kept this between us. 406 00:13:00,535 --> 00:13:02,838 - Yeah, of course. - Okay. Thank you. 407 00:13:02,838 --> 00:13:04,839 Maybe I can teach you 408 00:13:04,839 --> 00:13:07,709 once Nick finishes building the pool at our house. 409 00:13:07,709 --> 00:13:09,477 I would love that. 410 00:13:09,477 --> 00:13:11,446 Do you think it's normal for, like, an unemployed man 411 00:13:11,446 --> 00:13:15,216 to be spending all of his time digging a pool by hand? 412 00:13:15,216 --> 00:13:17,251 What does normal even mean these days? 413 00:13:17,251 --> 00:13:19,854 I don't think it's normal at all. 414 00:13:20,755 --> 00:13:22,190 Sorry, I've never said that out loud, 415 00:13:22,190 --> 00:13:23,525 - so just don't... - No, no, no, hey. 416 00:13:23,525 --> 00:13:25,293 ...like, tell anybody that I said that. 417 00:13:25,293 --> 00:13:27,629 You could tell me pretty much anything at this point. 418 00:13:27,629 --> 00:13:28,563 I'm a vault. 419 00:13:28,563 --> 00:13:30,364 All I'm saying is there's a reason 420 00:13:30,364 --> 00:13:32,433 you guys ended up in this profession. 421 00:13:32,433 --> 00:13:35,170 The only reason I'm a guidance counselor is... 422 00:13:35,170 --> 00:13:36,804 because, when I was in high school, 423 00:13:36,804 --> 00:13:38,973 my guidance counselor asked what I wanted to do for a living. 424 00:13:38,973 --> 00:13:40,308 I couldn't think of anything, 425 00:13:40,308 --> 00:13:41,543 so I just said, "Guidance counselor." 426 00:13:41,543 --> 00:13:42,944 - Mm. - [Rick] Then I had to go get 427 00:13:42,944 --> 00:13:44,245 my damn master's. 428 00:13:44,245 --> 00:13:46,114 That was four years of my life. 429 00:13:46,114 --> 00:13:48,182 I mean, I don't want to make it seem like I don't love teaching, 430 00:13:48,182 --> 00:13:50,018 like, I love teaching so much. 431 00:13:50,018 --> 00:13:52,887 It's the meaning of my life. 432 00:13:52,887 --> 00:13:54,756 I just feel like... 433 00:13:54,756 --> 00:13:56,658 it's getting harder. Isn't it? 434 00:13:56,658 --> 00:13:57,825 Of course it is. 435 00:13:57,825 --> 00:14:00,262 These kids, they're-they're... 436 00:14:00,262 --> 00:14:03,264 I don't know. COVID did something, man. 437 00:14:03,264 --> 00:14:06,868 - Got everybody dead. - I can't get classes in line. 438 00:14:06,868 --> 00:14:09,037 Kids are making up diseases. 439 00:14:09,037 --> 00:14:10,371 They're hooking up everywhere. 440 00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:11,940 [Grant] You think it'll be any easier 441 00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:14,242 when you are doing anything else? 442 00:14:14,242 --> 00:14:16,611 You'll always be meeting with hurdles, 443 00:14:16,611 --> 00:14:18,480 people you don't like working with. 444 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,648 Remember what's important-- 445 00:14:20,648 --> 00:14:22,350 the love of what you do, 446 00:14:22,350 --> 00:14:23,818 the people that surround you, 447 00:14:23,818 --> 00:14:25,219 the people that support you. 448 00:14:25,219 --> 00:14:28,189 Good people make good teachers. 449 00:14:28,189 --> 00:14:31,092 And, Evan, you are good people. 450 00:14:32,994 --> 00:14:34,796 Good people are good teachers! 451 00:14:34,796 --> 00:14:37,164 That's your speech! That's what you should say. 452 00:14:37,164 --> 00:14:39,434 I'm done with your advice. 453 00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,903 I'm sticking with the original speech, as written, 454 00:14:41,903 --> 00:14:43,138 and that's final. 455 00:14:43,138 --> 00:14:44,672 - [beeping] - [Rick] All right, y'all, 456 00:14:44,672 --> 00:14:46,874 that's 30 minutes. We got to get out now or we'll die. 457 00:14:46,874 --> 00:14:48,242 Come on! 458 00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:50,912 [singsongy] Wakey-wakey. 459 00:14:50,912 --> 00:14:52,781 - Oh, my God. - Wake up! 460 00:14:52,781 --> 00:14:55,616 - Malcolm. Oh, my God. - It's a beautiful day here in Dallas, Texas. 461 00:14:55,616 --> 00:14:57,585 - We have, uh, clear skies today. - Oh, my God. 462 00:14:57,585 --> 00:15:00,922 - Come on. I have a good itinerary for us today. - It's so early. 463 00:15:00,922 --> 00:15:02,156 We're gonna go to Dealey Plaza 464 00:15:02,156 --> 00:15:04,058 and see where JFK got his shit rocked. 465 00:15:04,058 --> 00:15:05,927 I can't go to Dealey Plaza, Malcolm. 466 00:15:05,927 --> 00:15:08,763 I have to, like, do conference stuff. 467 00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:09,797 I'm at a teachers' conference. 468 00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,032 Ew. Why? 469 00:15:11,032 --> 00:15:12,266 What are you talking about? 470 00:15:12,266 --> 00:15:13,401 I'm not on vacation. 471 00:15:13,401 --> 00:15:14,603 This is, like, a work event. 472 00:15:14,603 --> 00:15:17,171 [chuckles] Then why am I here? 473 00:15:17,905 --> 00:15:20,574 Girl, I don't know. Why are you here? 474 00:15:20,574 --> 00:15:21,643 [chuckles] 475 00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:22,844 Are you kidding? 476 00:15:22,844 --> 00:15:24,345 Are you actually kidding? 477 00:15:24,345 --> 00:15:26,113 I did not mean it like that. I just mean, like-- 478 00:15:26,113 --> 00:15:27,182 Don't make me feel stupid. 479 00:15:27,182 --> 00:15:28,616 You invited me, remember? 480 00:15:28,616 --> 00:15:30,185 I feel like we've had this conversation, 481 00:15:30,185 --> 00:15:31,586 like, 50 times before. 482 00:15:31,586 --> 00:15:33,521 You can't just, like, do everything your way 483 00:15:33,521 --> 00:15:35,590 all the time. You have to consider me. 484 00:15:35,590 --> 00:15:37,091 Yes, but, Malcolm, that is something 485 00:15:37,091 --> 00:15:38,626 that boyfriends say to each other. 486 00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:40,228 And need I remind you that we are not boyfriends? 487 00:15:40,228 --> 00:15:42,330 And there is a variety of reasons for that. 488 00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:44,532 But remember that there have been many times 489 00:15:44,532 --> 00:15:46,367 when I wanted to get back into this relationship 490 00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:48,603 when you did not want to get back into this relationship. 491 00:15:48,603 --> 00:15:49,837 Okay. Yeah. 492 00:15:49,837 --> 00:15:53,808 Like, one time in random-ass 2022 I rejected you. 493 00:15:53,808 --> 00:15:55,977 So you get to just be an asshole to me forever? 494 00:15:55,977 --> 00:15:57,345 That's how it works? Okay. 495 00:15:57,345 --> 00:15:59,614 Who the fuck is the one that drove here 496 00:15:59,614 --> 00:16:01,315 to Dallas for you? 497 00:16:01,315 --> 00:16:03,351 - I did that. - You know what, this conversation is over, actually, 498 00:16:03,351 --> 00:16:05,453 because we are just gonna be friends now. 499 00:16:05,453 --> 00:16:08,156 We're gonna be friends who do not fuck. 500 00:16:08,156 --> 00:16:11,125 Because I am tired of these confusing, 501 00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:14,162 lovey-dovey, boyfy-boyfy vibes. 502 00:16:14,162 --> 00:16:16,698 "Boyfy-boyfy"? [chuckles] Ew. 503 00:16:16,698 --> 00:16:18,333 Ew. Whatever. 504 00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,067 You're right, you're right. But don't expect me 505 00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,370 to drive you to urgent care at 3:00 a.m. 506 00:16:22,370 --> 00:16:23,872 because you think you have "full-body cancer." 507 00:16:23,872 --> 00:16:26,541 - I won't, because we're just friends. - Perfect. 508 00:16:27,342 --> 00:16:28,476 - I love that. - [door opens] 509 00:16:28,476 --> 00:16:30,178 Evan, are you tipping the maid? 510 00:16:30,178 --> 00:16:31,712 Oh, hey, Malcolm! 511 00:16:31,712 --> 00:16:33,147 Hey, Gwen. 512 00:16:33,881 --> 00:16:35,083 Why does it feel weird in here? 513 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:36,417 Are you guys mad at me? 514 00:16:41,656 --> 00:16:43,357 - Ev. [chuckles] What's up, my brother from another mother? - Yo! 515 00:16:43,357 --> 00:16:44,759 - [laughs] - How's it going? 516 00:16:44,759 --> 00:16:46,127 We missed you last night, man. 517 00:16:46,127 --> 00:16:47,762 [sighs] The after-party was insane. 518 00:16:47,762 --> 00:16:50,198 We ended up at this total dive bar that's, like, brand-new. 519 00:16:50,198 --> 00:16:54,368 - Hell yeah. Yeah, this-this brunch is so nice, man. - Right? 520 00:16:54,368 --> 00:16:55,770 Everything is top-notch here. That's not prosecco. 521 00:16:55,770 --> 00:16:57,272 - That's champagne. [chuckles] - Wow. 522 00:16:57,272 --> 00:16:58,907 Seafood towers-- all organic. 523 00:16:58,907 --> 00:17:01,176 Actually, most of that seafood's out of the Indian Ocean. 524 00:17:01,176 --> 00:17:02,777 - So decadent. - Yeah. 525 00:17:02,777 --> 00:17:05,513 Come on, Evan. I mean, you're here, you showed up. 526 00:17:05,513 --> 00:17:06,914 What is this? 527 00:17:06,914 --> 00:17:08,483 Be real. Come on. 528 00:17:08,483 --> 00:17:10,251 You want to work at Sourcely. 529 00:17:11,786 --> 00:17:13,054 I'm-I'm... 530 00:17:13,054 --> 00:17:14,656 - open to it. [chuckles] - You're open? 531 00:17:14,656 --> 00:17:15,991 [chuckles] Fuck yes! 532 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,626 - [laughs] - I'm not-- I'm not committing. 533 00:17:17,626 --> 00:17:19,160 - I'm just saying I'm-I'm open to it. - Okay, well, Evan, 534 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,495 I... [exhales sharply] I am so pumped. 535 00:17:20,495 --> 00:17:22,264 I mean, your whole life is gonna change. 536 00:17:22,264 --> 00:17:23,665 - This is gonna be great. - [Rick] ...tried opening a loan 537 00:17:23,665 --> 00:17:25,733 - with my bank once, but... - Oh, Rick is here. 538 00:17:25,733 --> 00:17:28,236 My Discover Card used to have a picture of a wolf, 539 00:17:28,236 --> 00:17:30,471 but now it has a picture of two horses. 540 00:17:30,471 --> 00:17:32,407 - [laughs] - [Eileen chuckles] - [Pasha] Yeah. 541 00:17:32,407 --> 00:17:35,543 [chuckles] Dan, uh, invited him over to pitch a couple of his... 542 00:17:35,543 --> 00:17:37,211 [clears throat] ...business ideas. 543 00:17:37,211 --> 00:17:39,280 [chuckles] Yeah, it's cool that you're nice to him. 544 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,449 It's obvious he's got a couple screws loose. 545 00:17:41,449 --> 00:17:43,685 - [chuckles] - Oh, you guys are making fun of him? 546 00:17:43,685 --> 00:17:45,186 No, I'm just-- 547 00:17:45,186 --> 00:17:47,055 You brought my friend here to make fun of him? 548 00:17:47,055 --> 00:17:48,556 Well... [chuckles] No. 549 00:17:48,556 --> 00:17:50,525 - I-- Pfft. - Are you fucking kidding me? 550 00:17:50,525 --> 00:17:52,227 - Evan, come on. - So, it's basically 551 00:17:52,227 --> 00:17:54,596 like DoorDash, except you're hiring someone 552 00:17:54,596 --> 00:17:56,998 to hang out with your weird and lonely grandma. 553 00:17:56,998 --> 00:18:00,068 - Oh, yeah. Our investment team is gonna love that. - [Evan] Sorry, 554 00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:01,035 what-what is this? 555 00:18:01,035 --> 00:18:02,203 Uh, Rick's pitching us-- 556 00:18:02,203 --> 00:18:03,504 Wait, what's it called again? 557 00:18:03,504 --> 00:18:04,572 GrannyGrabber. 558 00:18:04,572 --> 00:18:06,407 [chuckles] Why's it called that? 559 00:18:06,407 --> 00:18:08,143 Because you're grabbing your granny's heart. 560 00:18:08,143 --> 00:18:10,144 [Dan and Eileen laughing] 561 00:18:10,144 --> 00:18:11,680 - [chuckles] What's funny? - [laughing continues] 562 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,315 You guys know Rick has a real fucking job. 563 00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:17,151 He's a college counselor. He helps kids get into college. 564 00:18:17,151 --> 00:18:19,888 What do you guys do here again at "Sourcely"? 565 00:18:19,888 --> 00:18:22,457 Okay, Evan, I already told you, man. Energy arbitrage. 566 00:18:22,457 --> 00:18:24,058 - We find-- - That's not a real thing. 567 00:18:24,058 --> 00:18:25,660 Nobody's ever heard of energy arbitrage. 568 00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:27,262 That's, like, the most conceptual thing 569 00:18:27,262 --> 00:18:29,097 I've ever heard of. That's not a real job. 570 00:18:29,097 --> 00:18:30,498 - We're-we're leaving, Rick. Come on. - Dude, what are you doing to me? 571 00:18:30,498 --> 00:18:31,966 - This is-- - Come on. Come on. 572 00:18:31,966 --> 00:18:33,001 And you act gay when you're drunk! 573 00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:34,735 Hey! I'm not done pitching! 574 00:18:34,735 --> 00:18:37,272 Wait. Scuse me. I never actually got to try one of these shrimps. 575 00:18:37,272 --> 00:18:39,273 - I'm gonna just take them. All. - [Pasha] Hey, hey, Evan! 576 00:18:39,273 --> 00:18:42,176 Hey, come on, man! We shipped those clams in! 577 00:18:42,977 --> 00:18:44,646 [elevator bell dings] 578 00:18:45,747 --> 00:18:48,616 Rick, I want you to know you're cooler than all those people. 579 00:18:48,616 --> 00:18:51,385 Yeah. No shit. 580 00:18:51,385 --> 00:18:53,721 That's the most obvious shit ever. 581 00:18:53,721 --> 00:18:56,892 [speaker] Let's give a warm welcome to one of our keynote speakers. 582 00:18:56,892 --> 00:18:58,726 From Morrison-Hensley, 583 00:18:58,726 --> 00:19:00,194 Principal Grant Moretti. 584 00:19:00,194 --> 00:19:02,463 - [whoops] - [applause] 585 00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,933 Thank you. Thank you. 586 00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:08,170 Hi. Oh, my God, you're in time. 587 00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:09,638 - Seafood tower? - [whispers] Yeah. 588 00:19:09,638 --> 00:19:11,673 - Don't worry about it. - [Grant] I recall a-a... 589 00:19:11,673 --> 00:19:15,142 a story, having met a very young teacher 590 00:19:15,142 --> 00:19:16,978 from Austria named Arnold. 591 00:19:16,978 --> 00:19:18,413 - [sighs] - And I asked him, 592 00:19:18,413 --> 00:19:20,915 "Uh, what would you want to teach?" 593 00:19:20,915 --> 00:19:22,550 After long, long consideration, 594 00:19:22,550 --> 00:19:25,820 Arnold finally raises his hand and answers... 595 00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:27,555 [à la Schwarzenegger] "I'll teach math." 596 00:19:27,555 --> 00:19:28,723 [laughter] 597 00:19:28,723 --> 00:19:30,559 [clapping] 598 00:19:30,559 --> 00:19:33,228 Now, you may not realize this about me, 599 00:19:33,228 --> 00:19:36,230 but I love to drive through the car wash. 600 00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,532 [audience chuckling] 601 00:19:37,532 --> 00:19:39,234 I mean, there's nothing like the freedom 602 00:19:39,234 --> 00:19:42,436 of ten minutes alone in the tunnel of suds. 603 00:19:42,436 --> 00:19:43,738 [laughter] 604 00:19:44,472 --> 00:19:46,808 You guys, he's, like, he's killing it. 605 00:19:46,808 --> 00:19:49,010 I know. He knows his audience. 606 00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:50,879 I knew he would do fine. 607 00:19:50,879 --> 00:19:52,314 Some of the most fulfilling 608 00:19:52,314 --> 00:19:54,816 and the greatest relationships I have 609 00:19:54,816 --> 00:19:56,851 are with the teachers, 610 00:19:56,851 --> 00:19:59,053 who I consider my friends. 611 00:19:59,053 --> 00:20:01,990 Good people make good teachers. 612 00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:03,591 And let's never forget that. 613 00:20:03,591 --> 00:20:05,860 [birds chirping] 614 00:20:06,661 --> 00:20:08,429 - [Gwen whispers] You should say something. - [whispers] You tell him. 615 00:20:08,429 --> 00:20:10,331 Y'all ever see these videos of kids trying, like, lemons 616 00:20:10,331 --> 00:20:12,167 - for the first time? - Hey, Markie? 617 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,235 - Hmm? - [Evan clears throat] We wanted to talk to you about this 618 00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:18,506 concerning thing we heard about your employment at school. 619 00:20:18,506 --> 00:20:22,009 You heard rumors that I'm thinking about leaving Morrison? 620 00:20:22,009 --> 00:20:23,077 Something like that. 621 00:20:23,077 --> 00:20:24,578 In a sense, yeah. 622 00:20:24,578 --> 00:20:27,549 Well, sounds to me like my strategy is working. 623 00:20:27,549 --> 00:20:30,818 - Your strategy? - I never told you guys about this? 624 00:20:30,818 --> 00:20:33,855 - [Evan] No. - Every year, I pretend to quit. 625 00:20:33,855 --> 00:20:36,558 Walk in Grant's office, tell him I got a new job offer. 626 00:20:36,558 --> 00:20:38,159 But... I don't. 627 00:20:38,159 --> 00:20:40,561 And it j-- it just makes him appreciate me more. 628 00:20:40,561 --> 00:20:41,896 [Evan] What? 629 00:20:41,896 --> 00:20:44,398 That's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard. 630 00:20:44,398 --> 00:20:45,734 The thing is, the poor guy doesn't even realize 631 00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:46,801 how much he's being manipulated. 632 00:20:46,801 --> 00:20:48,169 I got to hit the road, y'all. 633 00:20:48,169 --> 00:20:50,005 I'm-a stop and visit my nana. 634 00:20:50,005 --> 00:20:51,306 Aw! Sweetie! 635 00:20:51,306 --> 00:20:53,842 Yeah, she owes me, like, 400 bucks. 636 00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:56,144 - Later, y'all. - Look, if we leave 637 00:20:56,144 --> 00:20:58,146 within the next ten minutes, 638 00:20:58,146 --> 00:21:00,048 we'll beat the heck out of traffic. 639 00:21:00,048 --> 00:21:01,216 Grant, how much did you pack? 640 00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:02,717 Just everything I need. 641 00:21:02,717 --> 00:21:03,752 [Gwen] Hey, Grant, 642 00:21:03,752 --> 00:21:05,153 don't replace Markie, okay? 643 00:21:05,153 --> 00:21:06,721 'Cause he doesn't have a job offer. 644 00:21:06,721 --> 00:21:08,590 He's messing with you. He's literally lying about it. 645 00:21:08,590 --> 00:21:09,557 Oh, I know that. 646 00:21:09,557 --> 00:21:11,226 - [Evan] You do? - Of course I do. 647 00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,760 Every year, he pretends to quit. 648 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,429 So, every year, I pretend to look for his replacement. 649 00:21:14,429 --> 00:21:16,197 It's this little dance we do. 650 00:21:16,197 --> 00:21:18,600 That is so toxic. 651 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,267 We were worried sick all weekend. 652 00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:22,103 - I mean, at least-- - Rick, why are you wearing 653 00:21:22,103 --> 00:21:23,338 all that Sourcely gear? 654 00:21:23,338 --> 00:21:24,806 Those people were making fun of you. 655 00:21:24,806 --> 00:21:26,174 Dude, no. 656 00:21:26,174 --> 00:21:28,176 That's just how we joke around, buddy. 657 00:21:28,176 --> 00:21:30,011 I'm pretty sure they were making fun of you. 658 00:21:30,011 --> 00:21:31,946 Oh, my God, you look like Neo. 659 00:21:31,946 --> 00:21:33,481 I'll see you guys. 660 00:21:33,481 --> 00:21:35,450 Yo, Mitch! What's up, player? 661 00:21:35,450 --> 00:21:37,685 Rick, not too far. We're leaving right now! 662 00:21:37,685 --> 00:21:41,156 You know, that Pasha guy sent me a picture of his ass. 663 00:21:41,156 --> 00:21:42,724 Let me see. 664 00:21:42,724 --> 00:21:44,459 ["Just What I Needed" by the Cars playing] 665 00:21:44,459 --> 00:21:45,927 ♪♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪ 666 00:21:45,927 --> 00:21:47,328 ♪♪ Just what I needed ♪ 667 00:21:47,328 --> 00:21:50,432 ♪♪ I needed someone to feed ♪ 668 00:21:51,366 --> 00:21:54,936 - ♪♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪ - ♪♪ Just what I needed ♪ 669 00:21:54,936 --> 00:21:57,939 ♪♪ I needed someone to bleed ♪ 670 00:21:57,939 --> 00:21:59,774 ♪♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 671 00:21:59,774 --> 00:22:01,208 ♪♪ So bleed me ♪ 672 00:22:06,548 --> 00:22:09,116 ♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪ 673 00:22:14,055 --> 00:22:16,457 ♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪ 674 00:22:21,429 --> 00:22:23,098 ♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪ 675 00:22:23,098 --> 00:22:27,201 ♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪