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It's the "Comedy Central Roast
of Pamela Anderson"

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with your roastmaster
Jimmy Kimmel,

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and your roasters...

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...with special appearances
by David Spade and Hugh Hefner,

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and a live performance
by Tommy Lee.

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And now please welcome the host
of "Jimmy Kimmel live,"

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Jimmy Kimmel.

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Kimmel: Thank you very much.

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You're very kind.

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Welcome to
"the Pamela Anderson Roast,"

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an evening
with Courtney love, Tommy Lee,

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Andy dick, Dennis rodman,

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otherwise known as "live aids."

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That's right.

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Right now,
simultaneous roasts

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are being held
on comedy central networks

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in seven different countries
around the world.

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All proceeds from this event

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will go directly
to Dave chappelle in Africa.

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We send him our best.

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We are here tonight, of course,
to honor Pamela Anderson

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who showed us just how far
a woman can go

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when she believes in herself
and gets a pair

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of volleyball-sized
breast implants.

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That's right.

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Ms. Anderson is an actress,
a model, a writer, a producer.

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I think, for a while,
she was a hooker.

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14 years ago,

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Pamela Anderson joined the cast
of "Home Improvement"

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and before that, we were still
beating off to the Cosbys.

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So she's ushered in
a new and exciting era.

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She changed everything.

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Let's take a look back now

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at what makes Pamela Anderson
so very special.

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What did you call me?

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I'm the fantasy
of every man in America.

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Ready for some fun?
Uh.

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Tool time!

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Don't give up
your day job.

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♪ What you gonna do
with all that junk ♪

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♪ All that junk
inside your trunk? ♪

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Are you imagining me naked?

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♪ Get you love drunk
off my hump ♪

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♪ my hump, my hump,
my lovely lady lumps ♪

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♪ Check it out ♪

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ooh, you're kid rock
and Pam Anderson!

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Man: Bad boy Tommy Lee received
a show of support

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from wife Pamela.

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She's got great taste in men.

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You were a groupie.
Excuse me?

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I was not a groupie. I
was a girlfriend. Right.

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Have you heard
about this videotape?

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A tape was stolen
from Tommy Lee and myself.

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Yes. I love you.

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Not that tape.

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♪ I'm crazy
for this little lady ♪

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David Hasselhoff
is doing a free concert

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and people are trying
to drown themselves!

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♪ 'Cause she makes me
feel good ♪

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you're Pamela Anderson! Remember
me from "Baywatch: The Movie"?

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♪ I know she's a super lady ♪

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I don't know anybody
who wants to wear

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an animal skin on their back.

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Pamela Anderson Lee.
Come on, Pamela.

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I am not
some ditzy blonde.

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♪ She's so fine ♪

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♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

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I can do it.

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♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

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Dah!

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♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

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♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

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please welcome
our guest of honor this evening,

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the one and only
Pamela Anderson.

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Pam, you look beautiful,
as always.

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We are here
to roast you tonight.

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We selected you
over 1,000 other famous women

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because you've accomplished
so much

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in your short time
on this planet.

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Pam has been on the cover
of "Playboy" magazine

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an unprecedented 11 times.

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She was the first woman

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to appear spread eagle
in "Reader's Digest,"

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and she graduated
from high school.

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That's right.

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All this,
and she just turned 38.

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So at long last,

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your age is finally catching up
to your tits.

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Pamela Anderson
is a trend-setter, a pioneer.

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Before Pam,
the only celebrity sex tape

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was a roll of duct tape

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Rick James used
to restrain his dates.

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When Paris Hilton
was still in diapers,

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Pamela Anderson was already
getting gang-banged on Betamax.

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She loves rock stars.

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The woman has screwed
more musicians than Napster.

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Pam, you do know

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that "blow me" is just
an expression, right?

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Pam loves animals.

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Her love of horses is
what attracted her to Tommy Lee.

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She has devoted
so much of her time

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to her work with P.E.T.A.,

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the people for the ethical
treatment of animals.

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P.E.T.A. Is a fantastic
organization.

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From their tireless crusade

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to ban cruel and unnecessary
testing from medical experiments

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to their work at Disneyland,

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throwing blood on children
who wear mouse ears,

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they do so many great things.

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But when all is said and done,

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enormous genitals conquer all.

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There was a rumor
going around last week

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that Pam and Tommy
were back together.

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It started when she showed up
someplace with two black eyes.

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It is not true.

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It was a hockey accident.

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She's Canadian.

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Pam and Tommy
are not planning to remarry,

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but they continue to raise
their children together.

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Pam has two boys,

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beautiful boys,
Brandon and Dylan.

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Children that
when they were born,

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actually walked
out of her vagina.

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It is that big.

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Whoo!

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Thanks to him.

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It played the cave
in "Batman Begins."

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Pamela Anderson
embodies the American dream.

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She came here from a small town
in another country

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to achieve and accomplish

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everything she imagined
she ever could.

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And don't be fooled by
the dumb-blonde routine.

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This woman is as smart
as a rock.

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We love her.

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We love you, Pam.

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Thank you for inviting me
to do this.

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Thank you for agreeing to get
fucked on camera one last time.

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And now, let the roasting begin.

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Our first roaster tonight
is part of our very successful

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"Invite a random person
to the roast" program.

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Here's a fun game to play.

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While he talks,
see if you can count

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how many times Pam says,
"Who the fuck is that?"

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You know him from
"Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn,"

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and that's it.

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Please welcome the virtually
anonymous Greg Giraldo.

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Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.

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Jimmy Kimmel.
Isn't he doughy, really?

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Isn't he about to be canceled?
Keep it going for Jimmy Kimmel.

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Wow, that was great, Jim.

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I've never seen you be funny
on TV before.

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Jimmy, how the hell is that show
still on the air?

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That wasn't a premise to a joke.

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That was a real question.

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I don't want to say
nobody watches it,

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but more people have seen
Dennis Rodman reading.

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Let's see, Bea Arthur,
of course, is here.

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Hello, Bea.

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And...

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It's great to have you here --
A living legend.

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Actually, you and Pam
have a lot in common.

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You were both the quintessential
feminist icons of your day,

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you both were very successful,

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and you both blew Kid Rock.

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By the way, Pam,
Kid Rock wanted to be here

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but he got stuck
in a 20-year-old.

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Kimmel, why are you on TV?

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I don't know why I'm
coming back to you,

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but why are you on TV?

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With that moon face and that
stupid cleft in your chin,

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or, as you call it,
Adam Carolla's jizz cup.

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Carolla...

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Look at you,
you horse-toothed bastard.

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Carolla, you got
a mouth full of 2x4s.

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Every time you smile,

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I remember
to waterproof my deck.

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"Carolla" is an Italian word.

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It means "one eyebrow."

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Have some dignity
and stick to radio.

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You look like Pete Sampras
with down's syndrome.

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The "Lovelines" --
Only in America.

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What a crappy show
the "Lovelines" is.

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Yeah, teenagers calling in

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to complain about their
abortions and their anal warts.

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It's like listening
to the messages

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on Andy Dick's
answering machine.

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Speaking of anal warts,

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good to see Courtney Love here.

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Courtney, what the hell
happened to you?

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You had a great band,
you're a very talented actress,

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and your career dried up faster
than Sarah Silverman's pussy

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around guys who can't help her
in the business.

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Good to see Eddie Griffin --
Of course, Eddie Griffin.

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People said there wouldn't be

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any big movie stars
here tonight,

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and they were right.

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Tommy Lee, of course,

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it's tough to slam a guy
for having a huge cock.

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But we've all seen
the sex tape, Tommy,

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and I know the camera adds
five inches, but Jesus.

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Your cock is so huge,

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I had to fast forward the tape
to see all of it.

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My 5-year-old son walked in
as I was watching it.

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Great, now I got to explain
why the pretty blond girl

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is being stabbed
with a harpoon.

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Of course, this brings me
to Pam, the beautiful goddess.

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Hi, Pam.

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Pam, I love you, Pam.

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00:12:00,151 --> 00:12:01,952
I've been a fan of yours
for so long.

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But I've got to say,
watching you in that sex tape

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was like a whole new experience
for me

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because up until then,

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I'd never seen anyone
get gonorrhea before.

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That was weird.

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And I worry about you, Pam.
What's up with the implants?

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They're in, they're out,
they're in, they're out.

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They're right here.
Yeah.

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You've had it in and out
so many times.

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They're not contact lenses,
Pam, they're tits.

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00:12:27,512 --> 00:12:29,813
You've been flattened out
and reinflated

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00:12:29,881 --> 00:12:32,082
more times than Jeff Ross'
prom date.

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You're... You're the best.
You're the best.

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You're a vegetarian,

224
00:12:40,725 --> 00:12:43,895
but you have no trouble
swallowing a moose cock.

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You're environmentally
conscious,

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00:12:47,499 --> 00:12:49,233
but you've caused more seed
to be spilled

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00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:50,868
than the department
of agriculture.

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I've been a fan of yours
for so long.

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I feel terrible that you're
gonna get abused here today.

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Who are these nobodies?

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Who are these nobodies
up here to make fun of you?

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People like Lisa Lampanelli.

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I'm sure she's gonna come up
here and be mean and fat.

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00:13:07,085 --> 00:13:10,121
But you know what?
But you know what?

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Fuck her.

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You've been on the cover
of "Playboy" so many times

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and you didn't have to fuck
Hugh Hefner to do it.

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00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:18,829
You fucked him anyway,
but you didn't have to.

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00:13:18,897 --> 00:13:22,232
That's right.
You didn't have to.

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00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,735
You're multitalented.
You have a TV show.

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00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:27,504
You're involved in lots
of humanitarian causes.

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00:13:27,572 --> 00:13:29,473
You've even "written"
two novels.

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00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:31,842
You're busier
than Courtney's pharmacist.

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00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:34,478
What's with the books, Pam?

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00:13:34,546 --> 00:13:36,513
You have two novels out.
Two novels.

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00:13:36,581 --> 00:13:40,284
You've now written more books
than you've read.

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00:13:40,351 --> 00:13:42,686
Pam, give up this
being-a-novelist crap

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00:13:42,754 --> 00:13:44,121
and stick to what you do best.

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You never saw Ernest Hemingway
titty-fucking a rock star,

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00:13:46,524 --> 00:13:48,659
did ya?

251
00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:52,530
I love your show "Stacked."

252
00:13:52,597 --> 00:13:54,431
It shows your range,
and it proves to everyone

253
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:55,966
that you can masturbate
to a sitcom

254
00:13:56,034 --> 00:13:57,668
no matter how unfunny it is.

255
00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:02,173
I love it.
"Stacked," you get it?

256
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,575
It's a double entendre.
Yeah.

257
00:14:04,642 --> 00:14:05,943
You work in a bookstore.

258
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,445
There are stacks there,
and you're stacked.

259
00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:09,813
So we call it "Stacked."

260
00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:12,316
That's hilarious.
I love that.

261
00:14:12,384 --> 00:14:14,084
"Okay.
Here's the idea, guys.

262
00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:16,253
"She works in a jewelry store,

263
00:14:16,321 --> 00:14:18,856
"and we call it
'Pearl necklace.'

264
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,391
what do you think?"

265
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:26,830
You starring in a show
about books and reading

266
00:14:26,898 --> 00:14:30,400
is like Tom Cruise starring
in a show about vaginas.

267
00:14:30,468 --> 00:14:32,569
All right.

268
00:14:32,637 --> 00:14:35,573
Now...

269
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,175
Now, I will say this, Pam.

270
00:14:38,242 --> 00:14:40,144
I am, seriously,
a giant fan of yours,

271
00:14:40,211 --> 00:14:42,246
and we're gonna make fun of you
a lot here

272
00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:44,381
but to get to the level
you've gotten is true genius.

273
00:14:44,449 --> 00:14:46,617
People cannot help but love you.

274
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:48,719
People can't help but love you.

275
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:51,455
You got unbelievable talent,
and you're America's sweetheart.

276
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,991
You're a Canadian, but those
tits were made in America.

277
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,058
Thank you very much.

278
00:15:05,737 --> 00:15:09,773
Good evening, Pam.
What an amazing night for you.

279
00:15:09,841 --> 00:15:14,678
Unfortunately, as you see,
I'm stuck here again at work,

280
00:15:14,746 --> 00:15:17,014
but I had to take this moment
to tell you

281
00:15:17,081 --> 00:15:19,449
how much you've meant to me
over the years.

282
00:15:19,517 --> 00:15:22,919
You graced the cover
of "Playboy" a record 11 times,

283
00:15:22,987 --> 00:15:26,057
and you went on to accomplish
so much

284
00:15:26,124 --> 00:15:29,527
with nothing but hard work,
determination,

285
00:15:29,594 --> 00:15:32,496
and 400ccs of silicone,

286
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:34,365
proving to women everywhere

287
00:15:34,432 --> 00:15:37,768
that when a girl next door
from modest beginnings

288
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,503
just sticks with me,

289
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:42,839
she can, one day,
be the next Pam Anderson.

290
00:15:42,907 --> 00:15:45,909
Well, at least
that's what I tell them.

291
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:50,081
In all seriousness, Pam,
may your spirit and drive

292
00:15:50,148 --> 00:15:52,482
continue
to inspire women everywhere

293
00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:54,084
to whip out their melons --

294
00:15:54,151 --> 00:15:56,820
Er, I mean,
to throw off the chains

295
00:15:56,888 --> 00:15:59,556
of our sexually repressive
society.

296
00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:01,424
But I like
the chains.

297
00:16:01,492 --> 00:16:04,662
Oh, well, so do I.
Well, then it's unanimous.

298
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,764
Tonight, we'll use the chains.

299
00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:08,365
Yay!
Yay! Yay!

300
00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:11,101
Pam, I know you love animals,

301
00:16:11,169 --> 00:16:12,602
so I want to apologize

302
00:16:12,670 --> 00:16:15,405
for what I'm about to do
to these bunnies.

303
00:16:15,473 --> 00:16:18,976
Good night, and I love you.

304
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:27,084
We are back with
"The Roast of Pamela Anderson."

305
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,619
Everything all right, ladies?

306
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:32,189
Pam and Courtney
have struck up a conversation.

307
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:33,590
Our next roaster was voted

308
00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:37,394
America's hottest rising comic
in 1993.

309
00:16:37,462 --> 00:16:38,828
Still rising.

310
00:16:38,896 --> 00:16:41,699
His chief reason for being here

311
00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:43,434
is to make Greg Giraldo
look famous.

312
00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:46,236
You know him from -- oh, who are
we kidding? You don't know him.

313
00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:48,238
But he's here
so let's make the best of it.

314
00:16:48,573 --> 00:16:51,308
Please say hello
to Nick DiPaolo.

315
00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:59,249
How about a hand
for Jimmy Kimmel?

316
00:16:59,317 --> 00:17:02,486
Come on, folks.
Jimmy the host. Come on.

317
00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:04,288
Apparently, the only thing
lower than Jimmy's ratings

318
00:17:04,355 --> 00:17:07,124
is Sarah Silverman's
self-esteem.

319
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,861
Or maybe Bea Arthur's voice.
Have you talked to Bea Arthur?

320
00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:14,431
She sounds like a fucking pirate
with throat polyps.

321
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,202
I just met Bea Arthur
a few minutes ago.

322
00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:21,504
She was standing
at the urinal next to me.

323
00:17:21,572 --> 00:17:25,075
Love ya, baby.

324
00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:28,546
Courtney Love is here tonight.

325
00:17:28,613 --> 00:17:31,448
Courtney Love was amazing
in the movie

326
00:17:31,516 --> 00:17:33,517
"The People vs. Larry Flynt."

327
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,119
She was unbelievable.

328
00:17:35,186 --> 00:17:37,754
She played a white trash
psychotic stripper

329
00:17:37,822 --> 00:17:39,356
who was addicted to heroin.

330
00:17:39,424 --> 00:17:41,225
What did you do
to prepare for that role?

331
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:43,927
Follow yourself around
for a year?

332
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,768
How about a hand for
Eddie Griffin? Come on, folks.

333
00:17:56,874 --> 00:17:58,442
Eddie, I've seen every one
of your movies...

334
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:00,577
In a dumpster.

335
00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:03,880
I don't want to say your films
set black people back 50 years,

336
00:18:03,948 --> 00:18:06,884
but when the lowes theater
showed "Undercover Brother,"

337
00:18:06,951 --> 00:18:10,053
they made the audience members
use separate bathrooms.

338
00:18:13,357 --> 00:18:15,191
Andy dick --

339
00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:18,395
Andy, pick a hole
and stick with it.

340
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:21,732
That's a nice haircut --

341
00:18:21,799 --> 00:18:24,435
You look like the third girl
from Bananarama.

342
00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:28,738
Tommy, I saw the video
with you and Pam.

343
00:18:28,806 --> 00:18:31,241
I haven't seen a bigger
dick on a boat

344
00:18:31,309 --> 00:18:33,743
since I went yachting
with Donald Trump.

345
00:18:38,182 --> 00:18:40,584
Dennis Rodman is here.

346
00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:42,553
Dennis Rodman
is like the black Tommy Lee

347
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:44,922
because he's a sex symbol,
he's covered in tattoos,

348
00:18:44,989 --> 00:18:47,925
and his career fizzled in '98.

349
00:18:52,964 --> 00:18:54,764
Dennis proves one thing --

350
00:18:54,832 --> 00:18:59,002
It's possible to be cool
and illiterate at the same time.

351
00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:01,571
Adam Carolla --
Adam is half hispanic,

352
00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:03,807
which means not only
is his last name Carolla,

353
00:19:03,874 --> 00:19:06,543
he was probably
conceived in one.

354
00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:12,483
You know who's in the crowd?

355
00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:14,851
Anna Nicole Smith,
one of my favorites.

356
00:19:17,288 --> 00:19:18,621
Anna, what are you doing here?

357
00:19:18,689 --> 00:19:20,958
You should be in a nursing home
and blowing a guy

358
00:19:21,025 --> 00:19:23,293
with a wheelchair
with the most expensive rims.

359
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,968
Let's get to the lady
of the evening, please.

360
00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:33,070
This is ironic.

361
00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:34,871
I finally meet the girl
of my dreams,

362
00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:38,442
and I'm shitting on you
instead of the other way around.

363
00:19:43,147 --> 00:19:45,883
Congratulations
on "The Dukes of Hazzard."

364
00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,651
You were fucking terrific.

365
00:19:50,521 --> 00:19:52,355
I'm just kidding.

366
00:19:52,423 --> 00:19:55,259
Pam's the perfect physical
specimen with that silky skin,

367
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,394
that blond hair,
those pouty pink lips,

368
00:19:57,461 --> 00:20:00,497
and that's just her snatch.

369
00:20:07,338 --> 00:20:09,139
Pam's ass is so perfect,

370
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:11,208
I don't think shit
comes out of it.

371
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,777
I think frozen strawberry yogurt
comes out of it.

372
00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:15,713
It's in a swirl.

373
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,481
It's got sprinkles on it.

374
00:20:18,549 --> 00:20:21,585
Pam, if you had dysentery,

375
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:24,955
I'd follow you around for a week
with a waffle cone.

376
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,094
And I saw the video
of you and Tommy.

377
00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:32,429
Boy, I'll tell you,

378
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:34,064
I haven't seen a pussy taking
a pounding like that

379
00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:35,766
since Clay Aiken
lost to Ruben Studdard

380
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,301
on "American Idol."

381
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:47,645
And, man, Tommy, are you big.
He is big, isn't he, Pam?

382
00:20:47,712 --> 00:20:49,712
Pam has taken so many stitches
down there,

383
00:20:49,780 --> 00:20:52,516
when she puts in a tampon,
it looks like a Raggedy-Ann doll

384
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,318
smoking a cigarette.

385
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,727
And, boy, do you know how
to give great head.

386
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:06,496
But then again, with your acting
skills, I guess you have to.

387
00:21:06,564 --> 00:21:08,966
As an actor,

388
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:12,436
you have the emotional range
of Terri Schiavo.

389
00:21:17,175 --> 00:21:19,910
Pam, you know how you say,
"Fur is murder"?

390
00:21:19,977 --> 00:21:21,745
Well, so is watching you act.

391
00:21:21,812 --> 00:21:23,747
If I was a baby seal,

392
00:21:23,815 --> 00:21:26,283
and I had a choice
between being clubbed to death

393
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,218
or watching
an episode of "Stacked,"

394
00:21:28,286 --> 00:21:30,053
I'd be like,
"Somebody call J-Lo,

395
00:21:30,121 --> 00:21:32,255
and let her know
her mittens are ready."

396
00:21:37,695 --> 00:21:40,764
But let's talk about
the show that made you famous

397
00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,299
and my dick crooked --
"Baywatch."

398
00:21:45,636 --> 00:21:47,938
I masturbated to that show
so many times

399
00:21:48,006 --> 00:21:49,539
I used to pay a homeless guy

400
00:21:49,607 --> 00:21:51,909
to stand next to my TV
with a squeegee.

401
00:21:55,212 --> 00:21:57,147
Hey, somebody's got to give

402
00:21:57,215 --> 00:21:59,383
Andy Dick's dad some work,
right?

403
00:22:04,455 --> 00:22:06,823
If you only knew how many times
that I released in your face.

404
00:22:06,891 --> 00:22:08,859
I thought the only way
I was gonna recognize you

405
00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:12,496
is if I just ran into you
after you ate a glazed doughnut.

406
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,567
Seriously, Pam --
She's not dumb.

407
00:22:17,635 --> 00:22:19,670
She's a great actress.
She's fucking beautiful.

408
00:22:19,737 --> 00:22:22,239
She's the reason every guy
gets up in the morning.

409
00:22:22,306 --> 00:22:23,440
I love you to death, Pam.

410
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,409
Thank god you came
to the United States.

411
00:22:25,476 --> 00:22:27,277
Thank you.

412
00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:38,455
I have nothing unpleasant
or disrespectful

413
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:39,856
to say about our next performer.

414
00:22:39,924 --> 00:22:41,892
She is a great actress
who, for some reason,

415
00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:43,026
has become the punch line

416
00:22:43,094 --> 00:22:45,495
to every joke Jeff Ross
has ever told.

417
00:22:45,563 --> 00:22:46,896
She does not have a penis.

418
00:22:46,964 --> 00:22:50,000
She is not the only woman
ever to beat Max Schmeling.

419
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:53,170
She is not so old, they named
the letter "b" after her.

420
00:22:53,237 --> 00:22:56,406
She is a national treasure
and should be treated as such.

421
00:22:56,473 --> 00:22:59,509
Please welcome
the beautiful Bea Arthur.

422
00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:16,293
Thank you so much.

423
00:23:18,662 --> 00:23:21,097
Thank you very much.

424
00:23:21,165 --> 00:23:25,101
You know,
everybody loves Pamela Anderson

425
00:23:25,169 --> 00:23:27,738
because she is so beautiful.

426
00:23:27,806 --> 00:23:29,540
I mean, you know her.

427
00:23:29,607 --> 00:23:31,808
She's a "Playboy" sex symbol,

428
00:23:31,876 --> 00:23:34,812
and, of course,
many people admire her

429
00:23:34,879 --> 00:23:38,148
for the fabulous work
that she's been doing

430
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:40,317
as an animal rights activist.

431
00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:45,021
But I tell you,
I want to honor Pam

432
00:23:45,089 --> 00:23:50,059
for her literary achievements.

433
00:23:50,127 --> 00:23:53,096
Yes, you see,
I have just finished reading

434
00:23:53,164 --> 00:23:57,200
her new novel, "Star Struck."

435
00:23:57,268 --> 00:24:00,871
Very, very, very --
It's a terrific book.

436
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:04,341
The story concerns a blond,

437
00:24:04,409 --> 00:24:07,978
very large-breasted actress

438
00:24:08,045 --> 00:24:13,583
imaginatively named star,

439
00:24:13,651 --> 00:24:18,722
who plays a lifeguard
on a hit television show

440
00:24:18,789 --> 00:24:23,160
and she becomes
actively involved, romantically,

441
00:24:23,227 --> 00:24:27,997
with a tattooed rocker.

442
00:24:28,065 --> 00:24:32,736
And a videotape that they have
made of their sexual escapades

443
00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:35,739
is leaked to the public.

444
00:24:35,806 --> 00:24:38,174
Pam, where do you come up
with this shit?

445
00:24:44,915 --> 00:24:46,850
Anyway, I would like
to read to you

446
00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:49,419
a couple of my favorite passages
from the book.

447
00:24:49,486 --> 00:24:53,890
The first one is page 86.

448
00:24:53,958 --> 00:24:57,627
"Star had seen the ads
for female wrestling

449
00:24:57,695 --> 00:25:01,631
"on the flashing sign
next to the boobie hatch.

450
00:25:01,699 --> 00:25:06,169
"That's the two pink domes
just off highway 1.

451
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,942
"'Will you do it?'
Jane asked.

452
00:25:12,009 --> 00:25:16,613
"'Well, okay, but I don't do
mud or oil, ' Star sighed,

453
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,448
"a bit overwhelmed.

454
00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:22,018
"'I did a wet t-shirt
contest once at the beach,

455
00:25:22,086 --> 00:25:26,022
"'but mud wrestling just seems
to be -- I don't know --

456
00:25:26,090 --> 00:25:28,892
A little too low-rent.'"

457
00:25:34,198 --> 00:25:37,067
page 151.

458
00:25:39,870 --> 00:25:43,573
"One night, Adam brought
a couple of beers along

459
00:25:43,641 --> 00:25:45,541
"on one of their camp-outs

460
00:25:45,609 --> 00:25:48,244
"and they got a bit drunk.

461
00:25:48,312 --> 00:25:52,749
"Emboldened,
Adam showed Star his erection.

462
00:25:52,816 --> 00:25:55,852
"'Come on, touch it, ' he urged.

463
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:59,723
"'Put that away, '
Star said disgustedly.

464
00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:03,527
"'I don't want anything to do
with your wiener.'

465
00:26:09,833 --> 00:26:14,604
"'please, just put your hand
around it, ' Adam pleaded.

466
00:26:14,672 --> 00:26:19,743
"'Go to sleep, Adam, '
Star said, turning over.

467
00:26:19,810 --> 00:26:22,712
"'You can borrow
my mountain bike for a week, '

468
00:26:22,780 --> 00:26:25,548
"he bargained.

469
00:26:25,616 --> 00:26:28,818
"Star rolled over and looked
at him.

470
00:26:28,886 --> 00:26:31,988
"'A month, ' she said.

471
00:26:32,055 --> 00:26:34,524
"'A month?' He asked.

472
00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:36,593
"'No way.'

473
00:26:36,661 --> 00:26:38,461
"'Okay, then.'

474
00:26:38,529 --> 00:26:41,030
"She turned back over
with a smile.

475
00:26:41,098 --> 00:26:42,633
"'Good night.'

476
00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:45,602
"'Okay, a month then, '
Adam sighed.

477
00:26:45,670 --> 00:26:49,072
"And so
their sexual adventures began.

478
00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:51,040
"Repulsed at first,

479
00:26:51,108 --> 00:26:55,912
"Star quickly became fascinated
with the mechanics

480
00:26:55,980 --> 00:26:58,815
"and the hydraulics of it all.

481
00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:02,452
"And the improbable outcome
of climax --

482
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,055
"wet and messy,

483
00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:09,559
"as though silly string
had shot out of his ear...

484
00:27:14,464 --> 00:27:17,367
...only it wasn't his ear."

485
00:27:23,074 --> 00:27:25,509
Page 230.

486
00:27:32,283 --> 00:27:36,753
"She called her gay friend Billy
into her trailer.

487
00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:40,156
"'I need to get your advice
about something, '

488
00:27:40,224 --> 00:27:44,427
"Star said tentatively,
not sure how to bring it up.

489
00:27:44,494 --> 00:27:46,996
"'My advice?'
Billy questioned, suspicious.

490
00:27:47,064 --> 00:27:50,500
"'I do your hair and makeup.'

491
00:27:50,567 --> 00:27:54,738
"'How do you fuck
up the ass?' She blurted.

492
00:28:05,349 --> 00:28:08,251
"'All right, '
Billy said, startled.

493
00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:12,422
"'It's called pitcher
and catcher.'

494
00:28:12,489 --> 00:28:18,161
"'Oh, that sounds fun,
like a game, ' said star.

495
00:28:18,228 --> 00:28:23,566
"'Just get him
to go slow at first, '

496
00:28:23,634 --> 00:28:25,535
"Billy forged ahead.

497
00:28:25,602 --> 00:28:29,005
"'Easy in and then wait.

498
00:28:29,072 --> 00:28:34,177
"'Make sure you get in
a good reach around

499
00:28:34,245 --> 00:28:38,614
"'and he'll love it if you
squeeze your cheeks together,

500
00:28:38,682 --> 00:28:42,485
you know, like you're trying
to hold a fart.'"

501
00:28:46,156 --> 00:28:49,125
Pam, Pam --
Or should I say Star --

502
00:28:49,193 --> 00:28:52,662
You've opened up a whole new
world for me.

503
00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:56,199
I mean, thank you, sweetheart.
God bless.

504
00:29:03,874 --> 00:29:07,143
That was great.

505
00:29:07,211 --> 00:29:09,979
Really brought it to life.

506
00:29:10,047 --> 00:29:11,480
I think we're all thinking
the same thing right now --

507
00:29:11,548 --> 00:29:14,818
"thank god Bea Arthur
doesn't have a video camera."

508
00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:20,990
You cannot have a roast
without our next comic.

509
00:29:21,058 --> 00:29:24,027
But it would be great
if, for once, we tried.

510
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:27,330
He is the Michael Jordan
of baseball of roasts

511
00:29:27,398 --> 00:29:30,733
and is literally
the only person in this room

512
00:29:30,801 --> 00:29:33,703
Pamela Anderson wouldn't fuck.

513
00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:36,573
Please welcome living proof
that Jews run Hollywood,

514
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:38,074
Jeffrey Ross.

515
00:29:46,316 --> 00:29:49,719
Cold out there tonight.

516
00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:55,758
What, you don't like it?

517
00:29:55,826 --> 00:29:57,627
Down, girl, boy, whatever.

518
00:30:00,964 --> 00:30:04,034
You want to pet it?
It's 100% puppy.

519
00:30:06,537 --> 00:30:09,139
Oh. For P.E.T.A., right?

520
00:30:09,206 --> 00:30:11,074
People who eat
and torture animals, right?

521
00:30:11,141 --> 00:30:13,109
No?

522
00:30:13,177 --> 00:30:15,512
No, it's not real.
It's not real.

523
00:30:15,580 --> 00:30:18,882
We shaved Bea Arthur's back.

524
00:30:18,949 --> 00:30:23,119
Look.
I love ya, babe.

525
00:30:23,186 --> 00:30:25,655
I love ya. I love ya.

526
00:30:25,723 --> 00:30:28,091
You look great, babe.

527
00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:32,128
I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's
dick with Andy Dick's pussy.

528
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,574
Love:
I'm gonna beat him up.

529
00:30:44,642 --> 00:30:48,511
Oh, this is a lot of fun,
I got to tell you.

530
00:30:48,579 --> 00:30:51,214
Courtney Love,
you're like the girl next door

531
00:30:51,281 --> 00:30:54,551
if you happen to live
next to a methadone clinic.

532
00:30:58,922 --> 00:31:00,589
Hey, give her
a round of applause

533
00:31:00,657 --> 00:31:03,426
for not singing tonight.

534
00:31:07,565 --> 00:31:09,465
How is it possible

535
00:31:09,533 --> 00:31:12,869
that Courtney Love
looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

536
00:31:15,172 --> 00:31:18,607
What?
You want to fucking pick on me?

537
00:31:28,685 --> 00:31:33,022
Who, are you gonna get help from
Pamela "Manderson"?

538
00:31:39,863 --> 00:31:42,499
But, of course, we're not here
to talk about your career, Pam.

539
00:31:42,566 --> 00:31:45,501
We're here to talk
about your pussy.

540
00:31:45,569 --> 00:31:48,871
Tommy Lee, Kid Rock,
Bret Michaels.

541
00:31:48,939 --> 00:31:52,242
Don't you ever fuck
anybody with talent?

542
00:31:52,310 --> 00:31:54,944
Right?

543
00:31:55,012 --> 00:31:57,514
You got plastic tits
and a tin ear.

544
00:31:59,183 --> 00:32:01,918
You're fucking your way
to the middle.

545
00:32:06,523 --> 00:32:07,957
You could marry royalty.

546
00:32:08,025 --> 00:32:10,293
You're fucking
Marcus Schenkenberg?

547
00:32:10,361 --> 00:32:13,129
"Who?" Exactly.
He's a seat filler.

548
00:32:18,302 --> 00:32:19,703
Pam, just for the record,

549
00:32:19,770 --> 00:32:21,771
I think
it's kind of hypocritical

550
00:32:21,839 --> 00:32:23,772
that you care so much
about animal rights

551
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:27,043
since you've been torturing
your own beaver for years.

552
00:32:27,111 --> 00:32:30,446
We've all seen the video
with Tommy Lee.

553
00:32:30,514 --> 00:32:32,949
Folks, I'm not
saying Pam's vagina

554
00:32:33,017 --> 00:32:35,117
is as big as the Lincoln tunnel.

555
00:32:35,185 --> 00:32:37,854
I'm saying it's bigger.

556
00:32:37,922 --> 00:32:41,791
It opened wider
than "Revenge of the Sith."

557
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,762
You got to go to MapQuest
to find her "g" spot.

558
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:53,069
Is it true that they give
free donkey rides to the bottom?

559
00:32:55,072 --> 00:32:56,339
Do you feel the hush
in the room?

560
00:32:56,406 --> 00:32:58,708
I fucking love it.

561
00:32:58,776 --> 00:33:00,510
What is this?

562
00:33:02,912 --> 00:33:03,947
Oh, sorry. What?

563
00:33:04,014 --> 00:33:06,815
We were talking about
Scott Baio for a second.

564
00:33:06,883 --> 00:33:09,552
The heroin's in the backstage
green room if you need it.

565
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,587
I haven't done that
for years, man.

566
00:33:11,655 --> 00:33:13,089
That's
such a '90s drug.

567
00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:15,924
Such a '90s drug?

568
00:33:15,992 --> 00:33:18,427
Well, then, what the fuck
are you on now?

569
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:26,369
Tommy Lee's cock is so big,
it has an elbow.

570
00:33:27,805 --> 00:33:30,573
Once a year,
it sheds its foreskin.

571
00:33:34,945 --> 00:33:37,046
Tommy Lee's cock is bigger

572
00:33:37,114 --> 00:33:40,015
than David Hasselhoff is
in Germany.

573
00:33:42,987 --> 00:33:45,754
But, Pam, you're sexier
than ever. You really are.

574
00:33:45,822 --> 00:33:46,890
You are!

575
00:33:46,957 --> 00:33:49,658
That's what this is about.

576
00:33:51,095 --> 00:33:53,562
You know, we should roast
Anna Nicole next year

577
00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:55,531
because we could do
the same jokes.

578
00:33:55,599 --> 00:33:58,268
Plus, fat jokes.

579
00:34:01,705 --> 00:34:04,306
You're very
well-behaved tonight.

580
00:34:04,374 --> 00:34:06,876
All right.

581
00:34:10,748 --> 00:34:13,849
Somebody get her a 90-year-old
cock to suck on, please.

582
00:34:19,222 --> 00:34:21,691
Pam, it's really been fun
roasting somebody

583
00:34:21,758 --> 00:34:25,027
who doesn't get
any of the jokes.

584
00:34:25,095 --> 00:34:26,329
You seem very sweet
and a good sport.

585
00:34:26,396 --> 00:34:27,964
And if you really want
to do something for charity,

586
00:34:28,032 --> 00:34:29,799
you'll give me a hug right now.

587
00:34:29,867 --> 00:34:32,535
Will you, please?

588
00:34:40,510 --> 00:34:42,545
Good stuff so far.

589
00:34:42,613 --> 00:34:45,247
Hey, Pam -- Dave Spade.
Sorry I couldn't be there.

590
00:34:45,315 --> 00:34:46,749
I'm videotaping this,

591
00:34:46,816 --> 00:34:49,251
if you haven't
figured that out already.

592
00:34:49,319 --> 00:34:50,819
I look around the room,

593
00:34:50,887 --> 00:34:54,090
and I see there's a few people
you haven't had sex with.

594
00:34:54,158 --> 00:34:55,491
Not that room.

595
00:34:55,559 --> 00:34:58,494
This room I'm in right now
videotaping.

596
00:34:58,562 --> 00:35:00,329
Me and the video guy.

597
00:35:00,397 --> 00:35:02,899
You did? When?

598
00:35:02,966 --> 00:35:05,068
I thought she was in Hawaii.

599
00:35:05,135 --> 00:35:06,736
So I'm the only one?

600
00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,972
What's wrong, Pam?
Is it 'cause I have a job?

601
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:12,742
Glad to see
Tommy Lee's here tonight.

602
00:35:12,809 --> 00:35:14,477
Apparently P.E.T.A. Stands for

603
00:35:14,545 --> 00:35:17,513
People with Extraordinary
Talents for Assholes.

604
00:35:17,581 --> 00:35:20,483
P-E-T-A -- yeah, that works.

605
00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:23,786
Listen, all kidding aside,
Tommy Lee has a huge cock.

606
00:35:23,854 --> 00:35:26,989
Last time you fucked him,
my ribs hurt for a week.

607
00:35:27,057 --> 00:35:29,492
Way up here.

608
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,127
You know, you have two boys
with him.

609
00:35:31,195 --> 00:35:32,595
Sweet kids. I've met them.

610
00:35:32,663 --> 00:35:34,296
They must love having you
for a mom.

611
00:35:34,364 --> 00:35:37,199
I'm sure their friends
like to come over

612
00:35:37,267 --> 00:35:38,867
for "MILF" and cookies.

613
00:35:38,935 --> 00:35:40,537
Another advantage
of being your kid

614
00:35:40,604 --> 00:35:42,738
is that when they go to school,
they can say, "oh, yeah?

615
00:35:42,806 --> 00:35:46,842
My dad could beat up your dad...
With his dick."

616
00:35:46,910 --> 00:35:50,046
You think that one's dirty?

617
00:35:50,113 --> 00:35:53,683
I see Lisa Lampanelli's there,
the queen of mean.

618
00:35:53,751 --> 00:35:55,485
How does someone
that looks like that

619
00:35:55,552 --> 00:35:56,919
make fun of Pam Anderson?

620
00:35:56,987 --> 00:35:59,822
That's like a turd making fun
of a sunset, all right?

621
00:35:59,889 --> 00:36:02,425
That's nice.
I've never met this girl. Hi.

622
00:36:02,492 --> 00:36:03,993
Anyway, I'm kidding.

623
00:36:04,061 --> 00:36:06,262
I'm not sure
who you're boning at press time

624
00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:07,930
but I wish you well with him.

625
00:36:07,998 --> 00:36:09,131
Sorry I couldn't be there,

626
00:36:09,199 --> 00:36:11,166
but they're not
even paying scale this year.

627
00:36:11,234 --> 00:36:13,603
Bye, honey.

628
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,040
There you go.

629
00:36:18,107 --> 00:36:19,909
Welcome back and good times.

630
00:36:19,977 --> 00:36:22,378
Our next roaster
is the only person

631
00:36:22,445 --> 00:36:25,081
who Courtney Love
thinks has a problem.

632
00:36:25,149 --> 00:36:26,649
He's the primary reason

633
00:36:26,717 --> 00:36:30,019
that the doughnuts backstage
are no longer powdered.

634
00:36:30,087 --> 00:36:31,587
He is a talented man

635
00:36:31,655 --> 00:36:34,757
whom we're gonna miss
very much very soon.

636
00:36:34,824 --> 00:36:36,926
Actually, unfortunately,

637
00:36:36,993 --> 00:36:39,395
I'm being told Andy Dick
could not be with us tonight.

638
00:36:39,463 --> 00:36:43,533
And in his place, long-time
Pamela Anderson plastic surgeon

639
00:36:43,601 --> 00:36:45,768
Dr. Fernando shortcream is here.

640
00:36:45,836 --> 00:36:47,436
Dr. Fernando?

641
00:36:57,047 --> 00:37:00,783
Hello. Testing.
Good evening.

642
00:37:00,850 --> 00:37:03,920
My name...

643
00:37:03,988 --> 00:37:08,557
Is Dr. Fernando T. Shortcream.

644
00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:13,495
And for the last 15 years,
I've been the plastic surgeon

645
00:37:13,563 --> 00:37:17,600
assigned
to Pamela Anderson's breasts.

646
00:37:19,269 --> 00:37:21,537
You're welcome.

647
00:37:21,605 --> 00:37:24,974
I want to apologize, Pam,
right away,

648
00:37:25,041 --> 00:37:27,309
because I was brought here

649
00:37:27,377 --> 00:37:29,912
to actually rip you a new one,

650
00:37:29,980 --> 00:37:33,649
since we all know
that Tommy ripped the old one,

651
00:37:33,716 --> 00:37:37,353
which, by the way,

652
00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:42,592
I used what was left
to make Courtney Love's lips...

653
00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:44,060
Whoo!

654
00:37:44,127 --> 00:37:48,531
...which explains
her bad breath.

655
00:37:50,267 --> 00:37:52,334
Seriously.

656
00:37:52,402 --> 00:37:54,370
It smells like ass.

657
00:37:56,974 --> 00:38:01,110
You know, I'll never forget
the time Pam came to my office

658
00:38:01,178 --> 00:38:06,148
and said that she wanted me
to remove her asshole.

659
00:38:06,216 --> 00:38:11,053
I said, "okay.
You married him, okay?

660
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,756
I'm a doctor,
not a divorce lawyer."

661
00:38:16,193 --> 00:38:19,562
When Pam told me
that Tommy gave her hepatitis C,

662
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:20,996
I didn't believe it

663
00:38:21,064 --> 00:38:23,332
because I figured the best
Tommy could ever hope for

664
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:27,970
was hepatitis D-minus, at best.

665
00:38:28,839 --> 00:38:32,341
And looky, looky,
Elon Gold is here.

666
00:38:32,409 --> 00:38:36,178
No, nobody cares.

667
00:38:36,246 --> 00:38:37,813
Nobody cares.

668
00:38:37,881 --> 00:38:41,116
He's on TV, but we don't watch.

669
00:38:41,184 --> 00:38:44,253
By the way, how is
that penile implant working out?

670
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,355
Fantastic, fantastic.

671
00:38:46,423 --> 00:38:47,790
That's great.

672
00:38:47,858 --> 00:38:50,626
'Cause you know,
up until you came along,

673
00:38:50,694 --> 00:38:53,229
I've never put one
in a butt before.

674
00:38:56,666 --> 00:38:58,601
Oh...

675
00:39:01,605 --> 00:39:05,374
Pam... I've been with you
since day one,

676
00:39:05,442 --> 00:39:09,478
and you and I both know that you
didn't always look this great.

677
00:39:09,546 --> 00:39:12,948
You didn't' always look
like that, Pam, did ya?

678
00:39:13,016 --> 00:39:15,384
You have to remember that when
Pam first came to me,

679
00:39:15,452 --> 00:39:19,188
she looked like this.

680
00:39:19,256 --> 00:39:22,391
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

681
00:39:22,459 --> 00:39:27,029
I'm sorry, that is not Pamela.
I'm gonna kill my assistant.

682
00:39:27,097 --> 00:39:29,331
That's Lisa Lampa-cunty.

683
00:39:30,900 --> 00:39:33,068
Wait, what is your name?
Lisa Lampa-dikey?

684
00:39:33,136 --> 00:39:35,137
You know, 'cause I know
what's coming.

685
00:39:35,205 --> 00:39:37,473
I know what's coming.
She's got something --

686
00:39:37,541 --> 00:39:41,544
You know, I thought this was
a roast for Pamela Anderson,

687
00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:43,279
not all of us on stage.

688
00:39:43,347 --> 00:39:47,783
I don't want to hear --
I don't have anal warts...

689
00:39:47,850 --> 00:39:50,219
That I know of.

690
00:39:50,287 --> 00:39:53,422
I can't bend my head back
to see.

691
00:39:53,489 --> 00:39:57,259
It itches sometimes,
but not more than you.

692
00:39:57,327 --> 00:40:00,163
If it's hot out,
your butt itches.

693
00:40:00,230 --> 00:40:03,132
But, seriously, Lisa,
if you'd like,

694
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:06,002
I can work with you,
and I'm sure,

695
00:40:06,069 --> 00:40:09,771
with all the modern advances
in cosmetic surgery

696
00:40:09,839 --> 00:40:12,007
and the industrial cleansers,

697
00:40:12,075 --> 00:40:15,944
I can possibly upgrade you
to this.

698
00:40:20,450 --> 00:40:25,354
Actually, that's quite
a simple procedure, Lisa.

699
00:40:25,422 --> 00:40:30,659
We'll shave your ass,
and give you a circumcision...

700
00:40:30,727 --> 00:40:34,596
On your very responsive
5 1/2-inch clitoris.

701
00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:41,304
There's been
a lot of jokes tonight

702
00:40:41,371 --> 00:40:45,174
about Pamela Anderson's
breasts, okay?

703
00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:50,646
But as her breasts' creator,

704
00:40:50,714 --> 00:40:53,315
I'd like to point out

705
00:40:53,383 --> 00:40:56,518
that they're quite stable.

706
00:40:56,586 --> 00:41:01,156
They really are very,
very well engineered, okay?

707
00:41:04,260 --> 00:41:07,462
This is all standard procedure.

708
00:41:07,530 --> 00:41:10,232
This is just
a clinical adjustment.

709
00:41:10,300 --> 00:41:13,035
These boobs,
these are my creation.

710
00:41:13,102 --> 00:41:14,737
These are my creation.

711
00:41:14,804 --> 00:41:17,205
And, by the way,
by the way,

712
00:41:17,273 --> 00:41:20,142
this is an excellent
hand exercise.

713
00:41:20,210 --> 00:41:24,313
You see how they point
straight ahead, a little up,

714
00:41:24,380 --> 00:41:28,317
like they're gonna take out
the Hubble telescope?

715
00:41:35,058 --> 00:41:37,392
This is all me. All me.

716
00:41:37,460 --> 00:41:41,496
You could place
a glass of wine on one,

717
00:41:41,564 --> 00:41:45,634
and I could personally
jump on the other

718
00:41:45,702 --> 00:41:48,503
and the wine would not spill.

719
00:41:48,571 --> 00:41:50,672
No, seriously, guys,
seriously, don't worry.

720
00:41:50,740 --> 00:41:53,342
She can't feel any of this.

721
00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:56,412
I can so.
You drooled on me.

722
00:41:58,782 --> 00:42:01,083
Hang on.
Medical emergency.

723
00:42:01,151 --> 00:42:04,654
Oh, okay. I gotta go.

724
00:42:04,721 --> 00:42:08,925
Nicole Kidman tried to blink and
tore her forehead open again.

725
00:42:08,992 --> 00:42:11,193
Out of my way.
I am a doctor!

726
00:42:11,261 --> 00:42:15,798
I'm a doctor! Out of my way.

727
00:42:21,671 --> 00:42:23,271
Pam, I've been meaning
to tell you --

728
00:42:23,339 --> 00:42:24,573
I actually pitched
a story line

729
00:42:24,641 --> 00:42:26,208
to the writers for next season.

730
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:28,744
In this episode, there's gonna
be some big misunderstanding

731
00:42:28,811 --> 00:42:31,079
and I come on your tits.

732
00:42:35,418 --> 00:42:39,821
Wait, Tommy, aren't you supposed
to be, like, 100 yards away?

733
00:42:45,261 --> 00:42:48,331
Comedy Central has scheduled
within the broadcast

734
00:42:48,398 --> 00:42:50,232
two different boner breaks

735
00:42:50,300 --> 00:42:53,970
to allow the overheated viewer
a chance to cool off.

736
00:42:54,037 --> 00:42:55,371
I'm the first one.

737
00:42:55,438 --> 00:42:58,240
Later on, you'll lose your wood
to Courtney Love.

738
00:43:02,478 --> 00:43:04,246
Told ya.

739
00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:09,819
Love what you do
for the animals.

740
00:43:09,886 --> 00:43:11,987
I don't happen
to have animals myself

741
00:43:12,054 --> 00:43:13,723
'cause I wear them.

742
00:43:13,790 --> 00:43:15,157
I eat them.

743
00:43:15,225 --> 00:43:17,692
See, you trying to take chicken
out of a black man's hand,

744
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:19,261
that ain't gonna happen.

745
00:43:19,328 --> 00:43:23,298
African-American --
We love to...

746
00:43:23,366 --> 00:43:24,700
No, I'm a nigger.

747
00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:26,468
African-Americans
are different kind of people.

748
00:43:26,536 --> 00:43:27,970
I've been to jail.

749
00:43:28,038 --> 00:43:32,607
I know.
We all know you've been to jail.

750
00:43:32,675 --> 00:43:36,011
We all know you should go back.

751
00:43:41,951 --> 00:43:45,353
No one -- and I mean no one --

752
00:43:45,421 --> 00:43:47,522
Has masturbated
to Pamela Anderson

753
00:43:47,590 --> 00:43:49,257
more than our next presenter.

754
00:43:49,325 --> 00:43:53,028
In fact, no one has masturbated
more than our next presenter.

755
00:43:53,096 --> 00:43:55,498
Critics are calling
his new talk show,

756
00:43:55,565 --> 00:43:58,500
"Too Late with Adam Carolla,"
"D.L. Hughley-esque."

757
00:43:58,568 --> 00:44:02,170
He is here tonight to introduce
our musical performance.

758
00:44:02,238 --> 00:44:06,608
Please welcome, my Garfunkel,
Adam Carolla.

759
00:44:14,884 --> 00:44:17,686
Thank you.
It's great to be here.

760
00:44:17,754 --> 00:44:21,023
Give a hand to Jimmy Kimmel,
everybody.

761
00:44:24,193 --> 00:44:26,995
Sarah and him
make an awesome couple.

762
00:44:27,063 --> 00:44:29,631
Sarah, it's got to be
hard on you

763
00:44:29,699 --> 00:44:33,401
faking the orgasms
and the laughter.

764
00:44:35,972 --> 00:44:39,708
Oh, what about Courtney Love?
She set a new personal best.

765
00:44:39,776 --> 00:44:43,912
41 minutes before she showed
her pussy on stage, everybody.

766
00:44:46,549 --> 00:44:50,086
Not since Cal Jam in 1979

767
00:44:50,153 --> 00:44:53,289
has she had
that kind of personal best.

768
00:44:53,356 --> 00:44:55,991
Thank you.

769
00:44:56,058 --> 00:44:58,193
When they asked me
to introduce Tommy Lee tonight,

770
00:44:58,261 --> 00:44:59,828
I was thrilled.

771
00:44:59,896 --> 00:45:02,464
Tommy's penis
has been a hero of mine

772
00:45:02,532 --> 00:45:04,567
ever since it broke down

773
00:45:04,634 --> 00:45:06,935
the color barrier in '97.

774
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:14,309
Tommy's penis has come a long
way since its humble beginnings

775
00:45:14,377 --> 00:45:20,182
growing up on a small farm
in Huge Cockburg.

776
00:45:20,249 --> 00:45:23,818
Tommy may have stopped drinking
and doing the drugs,

777
00:45:23,886 --> 00:45:26,522
but his penis
still starts every day

778
00:45:26,590 --> 00:45:29,324
with a shot of whiskey
and an 8 ball.

779
00:45:31,728 --> 00:45:36,398
So, now we all know
about the man's penis,

780
00:45:36,466 --> 00:45:39,635
but there's a little thing
I didn't know about the man.

781
00:45:39,703 --> 00:45:42,171
I didn't know
he was actually a musician.

782
00:45:42,238 --> 00:45:43,873
Oh, yes.

783
00:45:43,940 --> 00:45:47,109
And his instrument escapes me,
but I think it was the cello.

784
00:45:47,177 --> 00:45:49,778
Anyway,
here to perform "Good Times,"

785
00:45:49,845 --> 00:45:52,915
please welcome Tommy Lee
and his penis.

786
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:06,128
♪ Put down the magazine
and get off the phone ♪

787
00:46:06,195 --> 00:46:09,664
♪ There's a place I wanna show
you, and it wont take long ♪

788
00:46:09,732 --> 00:46:12,434
♪ Take a ride ♪

789
00:46:12,501 --> 00:46:14,537
♪ Take a ride ♪

790
00:46:14,604 --> 00:46:16,138
♪ It's looking like
we're getting there ♪

791
00:46:16,206 --> 00:46:17,506
♪ Over here, comin' clear ♪

792
00:46:17,574 --> 00:46:20,442
♪ A place that has no lines
or times or crimes ♪

793
00:46:20,509 --> 00:46:23,111
♪ Just good times ♪

794
00:46:23,179 --> 00:46:25,047
♪ Just good times ♪

795
00:46:25,115 --> 00:46:28,884
♪ Take me away ♪

796
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:30,653
♪ To a place ♪

797
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:36,592
♪ Where the good times,
good times roll ♪

798
00:46:36,660 --> 00:46:39,461
♪ Don't let me stay ♪

799
00:46:39,529 --> 00:46:41,263
♪ In a place ♪

800
00:46:41,330 --> 00:46:46,401
♪ Where this hate
can steal my soul ♪

801
00:46:58,314 --> 00:47:00,516
♪ Got myself worked up
over nothing today ♪

802
00:47:00,584 --> 00:47:01,884
♪ All the trash
that's in my head ♪

803
00:47:01,951 --> 00:47:03,852
♪ I gotta throw it away ♪

804
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:06,721
♪ It's all right ♪

805
00:47:06,789 --> 00:47:08,423
♪ It's all right ♪

806
00:47:08,491 --> 00:47:10,391
♪ It's looking
like we're getting there ♪

807
00:47:10,459 --> 00:47:11,760
♪ Over here, comin clear ♪

808
00:47:11,828 --> 00:47:14,629
♪ A place that has no lines
or times or crimes ♪

809
00:47:14,697 --> 00:47:17,099
♪ Just good times ♪

810
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,134
♪ Just good times ♪

811
00:47:19,202 --> 00:47:22,604
♪ Take me away ♪

812
00:47:22,672 --> 00:47:24,540
♪ To a place ♪

813
00:47:24,607 --> 00:47:29,711
♪ Where the good times,
good times roll ♪

814
00:47:29,779 --> 00:47:33,715
♪ Don't let me stay ♪

815
00:47:33,783 --> 00:47:35,751
♪ In this place ♪

816
00:47:35,819 --> 00:47:40,221
♪ Where this hate
can steal my soul ♪

817
00:47:40,289 --> 00:47:41,390
come on.

818
00:47:41,458 --> 00:47:42,858
♪ This is it ♪

819
00:47:42,925 --> 00:47:46,728
♪ I'm finally here ♪

820
00:47:46,796 --> 00:47:52,901
♪ And all the blurry lines
are clear ♪

821
00:47:52,969 --> 00:47:55,203
♪ And everything
that I can see ♪

822
00:47:55,271 --> 00:47:57,773
♪ Seems to make
more sense to me ♪

823
00:47:57,841 --> 00:48:01,243
♪ Why the hell
can't I just let it go? ♪

824
00:48:01,311 --> 00:48:03,245
♪ Let it go, yeah ♪

825
00:48:06,649 --> 00:48:08,350
come on.

826
00:48:08,417 --> 00:48:10,719
♪ Take me away ♪

827
00:48:10,787 --> 00:48:12,487
♪ To a place ♪

828
00:48:12,555 --> 00:48:19,194
♪ Where the good times,
good times roll ♪

829
00:48:19,261 --> 00:48:21,797
♪ Don't let me stay ♪

830
00:48:21,864 --> 00:48:23,331
♪ In this place ♪

831
00:48:23,399 --> 00:48:30,339
♪ Where this hate
can steal my soul ♪

832
00:48:30,406 --> 00:48:35,743
♪ Let the good times roll ♪

833
00:48:35,811 --> 00:48:40,949
♪ Take it away ♪
♪ Let the good times roll ♪

834
00:48:41,017 --> 00:48:46,422
♪ Take it away ♪
♪ Let the good times roll ♪

835
00:48:46,489 --> 00:48:51,025
♪ Let the good times roll ♪

836
00:48:51,093 --> 00:48:53,662
yeah!

837
00:49:04,573 --> 00:49:06,508
Woman: There you go, kitty.

838
00:49:07,310 --> 00:49:08,777
Hit it.

839
00:49:08,845 --> 00:49:10,813
♪ Blockin', boppin',
beat nonstoppin' ♪

840
00:49:10,880 --> 00:49:13,082
♪ Jumpin' up and down till
the neighbors start stalkin' ♪

841
00:49:13,149 --> 00:49:15,617
♪ Rainin', wailin',
I ain't complainin' ♪

842
00:49:15,685 --> 00:49:17,686
♪ Can't bring me down with
the beats I'm playin' with ♪

843
00:49:17,754 --> 00:49:20,522
Yeah. Come on, everybody.

844
00:49:20,590 --> 00:49:22,324
♪ We got it going on ♪

845
00:49:22,392 --> 00:49:25,427
♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go ♪

846
00:49:25,495 --> 00:49:26,795
♪ We got it going on ♪

847
00:49:26,863 --> 00:49:28,730
♪ Ho, ho ♪

848
00:49:28,798 --> 00:49:29,998
♪ Ho, ho ♪

849
00:49:30,065 --> 00:49:31,766
♪ We got it going on ♪

850
00:49:34,237 --> 00:49:36,571
Kimmel: Wow.

851
00:49:38,407 --> 00:49:42,077
Even Pamela Anderson's cats
fuck on videotape.

852
00:49:44,947 --> 00:49:46,315
Pam, Scott Baio just called.

853
00:49:46,383 --> 00:49:49,184
He wants to know if he left
a jean jacket in your vagina.

854
00:49:50,886 --> 00:49:52,254
Oh, Jimmy,
don't be mean.

855
00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:53,689
I'm sorry.

856
00:49:53,757 --> 00:49:57,459
If Anna Nicole Smith played
the guitar, our next presenter

857
00:49:57,527 --> 00:49:59,061
would be getting
quite a run for her money.

858
00:49:59,128 --> 00:50:00,529
Love-Cobain:
Shut up, Jimmy.

859
00:50:00,596 --> 00:50:02,430
She's here tonight on loan

860
00:50:02,498 --> 00:50:05,067
from the L.A. county
Sheriff's Department.

861
00:50:05,134 --> 00:50:06,468
Jimmy, stop it.

862
00:50:06,536 --> 00:50:08,503
The fact that she has chosen
to attend this event

863
00:50:08,571 --> 00:50:10,105
is further proof
that she is a danger

864
00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:11,940
to both herself and others,
but don't worry.

865
00:50:12,008 --> 00:50:14,810
She slipped herself a roofie
before the show.

866
00:50:14,877 --> 00:50:17,145
We should be fine.
Maybe not.

867
00:50:17,213 --> 00:50:21,016
Cover your heads, hide the mike
stands, for Courtney Love.

868
00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:30,559
Jimmy Kimmel has a lot of balls
for sticking up for me all year

869
00:50:30,626 --> 00:50:31,926
and being really nice to me

870
00:50:31,994 --> 00:50:34,095
even after I got carted away
to Bellevue.

871
00:50:34,163 --> 00:50:36,532
And before I even start this,
I want to say that

872
00:50:36,599 --> 00:50:41,770
I never saw the
Tommy Lee and Pam video

873
00:50:41,838 --> 00:50:44,505
because I thought it was
bad Karma to watch that.

874
00:50:44,573 --> 00:50:47,008
Yes!
You know. Okay.

875
00:50:47,076 --> 00:50:48,710
I'm not really a comic,
you know.

876
00:50:48,778 --> 00:50:50,812
I'm a smoker.

877
00:50:53,016 --> 00:50:55,450
I've been clean and sober
for a year,

878
00:50:55,518 --> 00:50:57,986
so all these drug yokes --
Jokes are retarded.

879
00:50:58,053 --> 00:51:00,455
"Yokes." Jokes.

880
00:51:03,158 --> 00:51:05,927
I'm wondering, why am I here?
Why am I here?

881
00:51:05,995 --> 00:51:08,830
It was a nice change
from the usual sort of...

882
00:51:08,897 --> 00:51:10,631
"Where am I?"

883
00:51:12,135 --> 00:51:14,903
You know, last year, when I was
being carted off to Bellevue,

884
00:51:14,970 --> 00:51:17,038
I was sort of above myself
looking down,

885
00:51:17,106 --> 00:51:19,775
and all I could think
looking on the gurney was,

886
00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:23,078
"Pam would look so much better
in this straitjacket than me."

887
00:51:27,316 --> 00:51:29,851
I'm feeling a relapse.

888
00:51:29,919 --> 00:51:33,388
Where's that Eddie Griffin guy?
He was funny.

889
00:51:33,456 --> 00:51:35,724
You know, you African-Americans
only know about me

890
00:51:35,791 --> 00:51:38,460
'cause I've been arrested.

891
00:51:38,528 --> 00:51:40,595
Me and Pam both have
really wild reputations.

892
00:51:40,663 --> 00:51:42,831
As a matter of fact,
last week I was handcuffed.

893
00:51:42,899 --> 00:51:45,400
I was maced.
I was locked in a cell.

894
00:51:45,468 --> 00:51:47,769
I was sodomized
without a condom.

895
00:51:47,836 --> 00:51:50,872
And just my luck,
I lost the guy's number.

896
00:51:53,409 --> 00:51:55,276
So, okay,
I don't know that this is true,

897
00:51:55,344 --> 00:51:56,911
but it's been said
on television,

898
00:51:56,979 --> 00:51:58,413
it's been said
in "Rolling Stone."

899
00:51:58,481 --> 00:51:59,681
It's about both of us.

900
00:51:59,749 --> 00:52:02,351
Apparently, me and Pam
both have a reputation

901
00:52:02,418 --> 00:52:05,186
for being the best fucks
in the entire world...

902
00:52:06,989 --> 00:52:09,458
'Cause we give it all.

903
00:52:09,525 --> 00:52:12,026
The only...

904
00:52:12,094 --> 00:52:13,595
For instance, Pam is a girl
that you want to fuck

905
00:52:13,663 --> 00:52:14,930
and tell all your friends about

906
00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:16,698
and I'm the girl
that you want to fuck

907
00:52:16,766 --> 00:52:19,134
and you refuse to tell
any of your friends about

908
00:52:19,202 --> 00:52:20,569
and then go see the doctor.

909
00:52:22,238 --> 00:52:24,773
Um...

910
00:52:24,841 --> 00:52:27,008
And Pam's my real friend.

911
00:52:27,076 --> 00:52:31,212
This isn't, like, a joke roast.
I'm here giving my rock cred --

912
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:33,215
My knock-on-wood,

913
00:52:33,282 --> 00:52:35,883
never-had-a-bad-review
rock cred to Pam Anderson

914
00:52:35,951 --> 00:52:38,686
because I actually
totally love her.

915
00:52:38,754 --> 00:52:40,488
And we are really, really close,

916
00:52:40,556 --> 00:52:42,624
and Pam and I
have our differences.

917
00:52:42,692 --> 00:52:45,426
She falls in love
with musicians.

918
00:52:45,494 --> 00:52:48,397
I fall in love
with good musicians.

919
00:52:51,033 --> 00:52:53,101
But no matter
how much we disagree,

920
00:52:53,169 --> 00:52:55,036
I can't stay mad at her.

921
00:52:55,104 --> 00:52:57,138
The other day
she sat on my sunglasses,

922
00:52:57,206 --> 00:52:58,706
and she broke them.

923
00:52:58,774 --> 00:53:02,176
But it was my fault.
I was wearing them at the time.

924
00:53:02,244 --> 00:53:04,612
And when it comes to drugs,

925
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:08,616
you know, me and Pam
are total opposites.

926
00:53:08,684 --> 00:53:10,652
I have to pay for mine.

927
00:53:12,989 --> 00:53:14,790
Speaking of drugs,
hi, Tommy Lee,

928
00:53:14,857 --> 00:53:16,324
you goddamn professional.

929
00:53:17,894 --> 00:53:19,594
Let me stand here
and pretend

930
00:53:19,662 --> 00:53:22,497
that we have never
slept together.

931
00:53:29,739 --> 00:53:33,308
I want to clear something up
about Pamela Anderson.

932
00:53:33,376 --> 00:53:37,112
She is not just a bimbo
who has sex with rock "stars."

933
00:53:37,180 --> 00:53:38,914
She also has sex with big, huge
movie producers

934
00:53:38,981 --> 00:53:40,849
who tell her they're gonna
put her in their movies,

935
00:53:40,916 --> 00:53:43,885
and then they don't.

936
00:53:43,953 --> 00:53:45,320
We're gonna go goth.

937
00:53:45,387 --> 00:53:48,123
Get a fucking Betty page
haircut, right?

938
00:53:48,191 --> 00:53:51,727
Date Marilyn Manson --
I'm gonna totally make you read

939
00:53:51,794 --> 00:53:53,061
like Elroy, right?

940
00:53:53,129 --> 00:53:55,631
I'm gonna shut up.
All right.

941
00:53:55,698 --> 00:53:57,832
Pam, I think you have
a lot of depth.

942
00:53:57,900 --> 00:53:59,367
I think you're really deep,

943
00:53:59,435 --> 00:54:00,769
because even though I didn't see
the video,

944
00:54:00,837 --> 00:54:04,673
I have seen pictures of
Tommy Lee's cock.

945
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:08,376
It's like --
It went, like, here --

946
00:54:08,444 --> 00:54:11,446
It's, like --

947
00:54:11,513 --> 00:54:14,583
How do you take that
with that Barbie pussy?

948
00:54:14,651 --> 00:54:17,719
No, I never saw the video!
I swear to god!

949
00:54:17,787 --> 00:54:19,254
Pam, I've got a great idea.

950
00:54:19,321 --> 00:54:22,057
I'm gonna teach you
to be a rock star.

951
00:54:22,124 --> 00:54:24,325
Seriously, I want you to cut
your little perfect nails

952
00:54:24,393 --> 00:54:27,663
and learn the three essential
punk rock chords on your guitar

953
00:54:27,730 --> 00:54:30,198
and you can teach me how
to sit on Hugh Hefner's lap

954
00:54:30,266 --> 00:54:33,134
and call him "daddy"
without puking.

955
00:54:33,201 --> 00:54:37,071
Am I gonna get
to that point, Pam?

956
00:54:37,139 --> 00:54:39,240
Give it up for Kirstie Alley,
everybody.

957
00:54:39,308 --> 00:54:41,509
Yeah, Kirstie Alley.

958
00:54:47,817 --> 00:54:51,686
Okay, here's something you don't
know about Pam Anderson.

959
00:54:51,753 --> 00:54:53,322
Her father was actually
Mensa level.

960
00:54:53,389 --> 00:54:54,756
He had an IQ of 160.

961
00:54:54,824 --> 00:54:56,591
He also had big huge man tits,

962
00:54:56,659 --> 00:54:59,660
and you can figure out
what she inherited, right?

963
00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:04,266
Pam, the truth is I love you,
really, a lot.

964
00:55:04,333 --> 00:55:06,768
I really do.

965
00:55:06,835 --> 00:55:08,370
And I want to protect you

966
00:55:08,438 --> 00:55:10,271
from all these evil
fucking stand-up guys

967
00:55:10,339 --> 00:55:13,041
that are trying to make their
goddamn name making fun of you.

968
00:55:13,108 --> 00:55:14,943
Fuck them.

969
00:55:15,011 --> 00:55:16,745
All right.

970
00:55:16,812 --> 00:55:18,847
You know what
my favorite thing about you is?

971
00:55:18,915 --> 00:55:21,283
Other than your tits
and your ass and your thighs

972
00:55:21,350 --> 00:55:23,051
and your cheeks and your teeth
and your hair,

973
00:55:23,119 --> 00:55:25,520
you're so fucking real.

974
00:55:25,587 --> 00:55:29,156
I love you, Pamela.
I really do.

975
00:55:30,726 --> 00:55:34,463
All right, that was
my comedy debut.

976
00:55:34,530 --> 00:55:36,698
Satan.

977
00:55:40,903 --> 00:55:43,405
Courtney has asked me
to invite everyone

978
00:55:43,472 --> 00:55:46,007
to the intervention
after the show.

979
00:55:46,074 --> 00:55:49,211
I'm clean and sober
for a year!

980
00:55:49,278 --> 00:55:50,812
I hope that's not true

981
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:54,483
because if you're not on drugs,
you've got problems.

982
00:55:58,621 --> 00:56:00,855
Nicely done, though.

983
00:56:00,922 --> 00:56:03,825
Our next performer
is where I put my penis

984
00:56:03,893 --> 00:56:06,761
when I'm thinking
about Pamela Anderson.

985
00:56:09,164 --> 00:56:11,766
She is one of only two people
in this room

986
00:56:11,834 --> 00:56:13,335
who have given me a blowjob.

987
00:56:13,402 --> 00:56:15,303
That's right,
I'm talking to you Carolla.

988
00:56:15,371 --> 00:56:18,974
She is one of the hairiest women
on the planet.

989
00:56:19,041 --> 00:56:21,142
She is the Zira
to my Cornelius.

990
00:56:21,209 --> 00:56:23,645
Please say hello
to the apple of my eye

991
00:56:23,712 --> 00:56:26,348
and the plum in my anus,
Sarah Silverman.

992
00:56:33,756 --> 00:56:37,158
Sarah... We love you.

993
00:56:37,226 --> 00:56:40,294
Do it for Frances Bean,
please.

994
00:56:40,362 --> 00:56:43,165
You can do the right thing.

995
00:56:43,232 --> 00:56:44,966
You know what?

996
00:56:45,034 --> 00:56:47,535
I'm not gonna make fun of Jimmy
this year

997
00:56:47,603 --> 00:56:51,072
because I don't want him to
withhold his tiny penis from me.

998
00:56:51,139 --> 00:56:55,443
That's so hacky.
He doesn't have a tiny penis.

999
00:56:55,511 --> 00:56:59,514
It looks small
next to his gigantic balls.

1000
00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,450
I'm a ball man.

1001
00:57:03,986 --> 00:57:06,254
You know how like...

1002
00:57:06,321 --> 00:57:08,055
You know how a smell can just

1003
00:57:08,123 --> 00:57:10,258
totally take you back
to a place?

1004
00:57:10,325 --> 00:57:12,460
The other day,
I went into an elevator,

1005
00:57:12,528 --> 00:57:15,429
and it smelled just like
the hallway of my high school.

1006
00:57:15,497 --> 00:57:20,235
Jimmy's balls smell
exactly like my Nana's house...

1007
00:57:20,302 --> 00:57:23,171
They smell like lemons!

1008
00:57:23,238 --> 00:57:27,342
...Benson and Hedges deluxe
ultra lights and brisket.

1009
00:57:32,047 --> 00:57:34,615
God, I miss her.

1010
00:57:36,485 --> 00:57:39,087
I don't know.
Maybe it's the other way around.

1011
00:57:39,154 --> 00:57:41,322
Maybe my Nana's house
all these years

1012
00:57:41,390 --> 00:57:43,090
has smelled like Jimmy's balls.

1013
00:57:43,158 --> 00:57:45,860
Maybe that's how you know
it's the one.

1014
00:57:49,131 --> 00:57:51,332
I'll never forget the first time
I saw Jimmy's balls.

1015
00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:55,103
They were
on Adam Carolla's chin.

1016
00:58:03,379 --> 00:58:05,980
You know, before I met Adam,
I really...

1017
00:58:06,048 --> 00:58:07,882
I prejudged him, you know?

1018
00:58:07,950 --> 00:58:12,187
And knowing him now, it's just
I was totally wrong about him.

1019
00:58:12,254 --> 00:58:17,992
He's such a special guy.
He's got such a depth to him.

1020
00:58:18,060 --> 00:58:21,963
He has passions,
such as shitting,

1021
00:58:22,031 --> 00:58:26,300
lighting farts,
music, smelling farts.

1022
00:58:26,368 --> 00:58:29,971
And he actually has
a really big penis.

1023
00:58:30,038 --> 00:58:31,172
I've never seen it before,

1024
00:58:31,239 --> 00:58:34,709
but Jimmy says it feels like
10 inches.

1025
00:58:41,784 --> 00:58:43,384
Jeff Ross is here.

1026
00:58:43,452 --> 00:58:45,954
Pam, I don't know if you know
this, but Jeff is actually

1027
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:48,289
best friends with one of your
costars, Elon Gold.

1028
00:58:48,356 --> 00:58:51,292
Their noses went to
Hebrew school together.

1029
00:58:53,162 --> 00:58:57,498
Who else is here?
Andy Dick.

1030
00:58:57,566 --> 00:58:58,867
Andy!

1031
00:58:58,935 --> 00:59:00,335
Love-Cobain:
Stay sober!

1032
00:59:00,402 --> 00:59:01,802
Here's to it.

1033
00:59:01,870 --> 00:59:04,439
Andy is an inspiration to me.

1034
00:59:04,507 --> 00:59:08,676
His body actually
turns cocaine into riboflavin.

1035
00:59:12,481 --> 00:59:14,916
A lot of people make jokes
about Andy being gay.

1036
00:59:14,984 --> 00:59:17,586
I came here to tell you
Andy is definitely straight.

1037
00:59:17,653 --> 00:59:20,955
He just asked out Katie Holmes.

1038
00:59:26,562 --> 00:59:28,929
Everybody's doing jokes
about Bea Arthur has a penis.

1039
00:59:28,997 --> 00:59:31,098
It's so mean, and
I happen to know for a fact

1040
00:59:31,166 --> 00:59:32,467
that she doesn't have a penis.

1041
00:59:32,535 --> 00:59:34,469
She has a vagina, okay?

1042
00:59:34,536 --> 00:59:36,837
She has a big, floppety, sloppy,

1043
00:59:36,905 --> 00:59:40,041
bushy, wiry, gray vagina.

1044
00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:49,784
Which reminds me, Courtney Love
is here, who I love.

1045
00:59:49,851 --> 00:59:53,387
Trying to steal
your boyfriend.

1046
00:59:53,455 --> 00:59:56,658
I know. It's okay.
It's weird.

1047
00:59:56,726 --> 01:00:01,496
I was curious to see which
Courtney love was gonna show up.

1048
01:00:01,563 --> 01:00:05,166
The smeared-lipstick
crazy coke whore,

1049
01:00:05,234 --> 01:00:09,738
or the violent smeared-lipstick
crazy coke whore.

1050
01:00:16,679 --> 01:00:18,279
Wow.

1051
01:00:18,347 --> 01:00:19,814
No, I'm so glad she's here.

1052
01:00:19,881 --> 01:00:21,849
I left my crack
in my other purse.

1053
01:00:21,917 --> 01:00:24,018
I don't do that
anymore, Sarah!

1054
01:00:24,086 --> 01:00:26,287
I swear to god,
it's been a year.

1055
01:00:26,355 --> 01:00:29,824
You got it, doll.

1056
01:00:29,892 --> 01:00:31,659
But we're here for Pam.

1057
01:00:31,727 --> 01:00:35,597
Let's talk about the woman
of the hour, Pam Anderson.

1058
01:00:35,665 --> 01:00:37,532
Wow!

1059
01:00:40,436 --> 01:00:44,739
Now, I don't really
know Pam personally,

1060
01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:48,643
but I'll never forget the first
time I saw her asshole.

1061
01:00:51,246 --> 01:00:53,748
I knew she had
that special something.

1062
01:00:53,816 --> 01:00:56,151
I couldn't put my finger in it.

1063
01:00:59,254 --> 01:01:01,656
She's gorgeous, of course.

1064
01:01:01,724 --> 01:01:04,992
But even she'll admit
that it takes work.

1065
01:01:05,060 --> 01:01:07,061
She literally spends hours

1066
01:01:07,129 --> 01:01:09,097
primping and waxing
and bleaching.

1067
01:01:09,165 --> 01:01:11,699
But enough about her asshole.

1068
01:01:11,767 --> 01:01:13,667
Let's talk about...

1069
01:01:15,904 --> 01:01:18,540
...say, her vagina.

1070
01:01:18,607 --> 01:01:21,709
It's the only way you can tell
a woman's true hair color,

1071
01:01:21,777 --> 01:01:24,612
and lucky for you, I actually
caught a glimpse of it

1072
01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:26,580
backstage
while she was changing,

1073
01:01:26,648 --> 01:01:28,616
and her true hair color?

1074
01:01:28,684 --> 01:01:30,518
Bald.

1075
01:01:30,585 --> 01:01:33,154
Totally bald.

1076
01:01:35,724 --> 01:01:38,526
Pam's got two gorgeous sons.

1077
01:01:38,594 --> 01:01:41,495
They're actually
the only two guys

1078
01:01:41,563 --> 01:01:44,065
that have ever come out of Pam.

1079
01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:52,807
A lot of people say,

1080
01:01:52,875 --> 01:01:56,944
"Oh, Pam Anderson wouldn't be
anyone without her tits."

1081
01:01:57,012 --> 01:01:59,980
And that is just not true.
It's not true.

1082
01:02:00,048 --> 01:02:03,317
She'd be Paris Hilton.

1083
01:02:07,355 --> 01:02:10,191
I actually -- oh.

1084
01:02:10,259 --> 01:02:15,396
I actually did a guest role
on "VIP."

1085
01:02:15,464 --> 01:02:18,265
It was a lot of fun, and we were
shooting on the beach one day,

1086
01:02:18,333 --> 01:02:20,101
and in between takes,
she ran up to me,

1087
01:02:20,169 --> 01:02:21,936
and she was like,
"Oh, my god, Sarah!

1088
01:02:22,003 --> 01:02:23,638
Quick, pee on me!"

1089
01:02:23,705 --> 01:02:24,839
And I was like, "Oh, my god!

1090
01:02:24,907 --> 01:02:26,374
Did you get stung
by a jellyfish?"

1091
01:02:26,441 --> 01:02:29,277
And she said,
"What's a jellyfish?"

1092
01:02:34,016 --> 01:02:38,152
Pam,
who is an amazing, special,

1093
01:02:38,220 --> 01:02:41,722
gorgeous, and kind person

1094
01:02:41,790 --> 01:02:44,124
who's only here
because of a huge donation

1095
01:02:44,192 --> 01:02:46,560
that comedy central
agreed to give to P.E.T.A.,

1096
01:02:46,628 --> 01:02:48,562
where she works.

1097
01:02:48,630 --> 01:02:50,698
And she's amazing,
especially her work

1098
01:02:50,766 --> 01:02:53,568
with the one-eyed trouser snake,

1099
01:02:53,635 --> 01:02:57,204
which she did a few years ago.

1100
01:02:58,774 --> 01:03:00,775
She actually...

1101
01:03:00,843 --> 01:03:05,513
She made a video, actually,

1102
01:03:05,580 --> 01:03:09,317
where she cradled it in her arms

1103
01:03:09,384 --> 01:03:12,486
and actually nursed it
back to life...

1104
01:03:12,554 --> 01:03:15,623
With her mouth.

1105
01:03:15,691 --> 01:03:18,793
All that...

1106
01:03:18,861 --> 01:03:22,096
And she still has time
to suck Tommy Lee's cock

1107
01:03:22,164 --> 01:03:23,731
on a yacht in St. Barths.

1108
01:03:23,798 --> 01:03:27,134
God bless you, Pamela.
And happy birthday, America.

1109
01:03:38,814 --> 01:03:41,249
What can you say
about our next presenter

1110
01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:44,051
that hasn't already been said
about Bea Arthur?

1111
01:03:44,119 --> 01:03:46,253
The vein in his penis

1112
01:03:46,321 --> 01:03:48,723
is bigger than my penis.

1113
01:03:48,790 --> 01:03:50,524
If you've ever fucked
Pamela Anderson

1114
01:03:50,592 --> 01:03:53,194
and didn't feel a thing,
he is the man to thank.

1115
01:03:53,261 --> 01:03:55,563
He is the drummer from Warrant
or maybe Dokken.

1116
01:03:55,631 --> 01:03:56,897
I'm not sure which really.

1117
01:03:56,965 --> 01:04:00,601
Here he is, Tommy Lee.

1118
01:04:08,343 --> 01:04:12,180
Can I get a big "Hell, yeah"
for Pamela?

1119
01:04:14,750 --> 01:04:16,884
Hi, baby.

1120
01:04:16,952 --> 01:04:18,119
You know what?

1121
01:04:18,187 --> 01:04:21,055
This has been absolutely
fucking incredible.

1122
01:04:21,122 --> 01:04:23,491
And if I've learned one thing

1123
01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:28,028
is that all comedians
have small dicks.

1124
01:04:28,096 --> 01:04:31,299
That's right.
It's true.

1125
01:04:31,367 --> 01:04:33,467
Yeah, well...

1126
01:04:33,535 --> 01:04:36,504
No, that's not true.

1127
01:04:36,572 --> 01:04:39,206
You do?

1128
01:04:39,274 --> 01:04:40,841
You've seen it.

1129
01:04:40,909 --> 01:04:43,611
Let me see.
That's small, dude.

1130
01:04:45,781 --> 01:04:47,381
Compared to you.

1131
01:04:48,583 --> 01:04:51,485
With a name like Andy Dick,
it should be a lot bigger.

1132
01:04:53,589 --> 01:04:55,423
All right, well, yeah.
Whatever, yeah.

1133
01:04:55,491 --> 01:04:57,592
Okay, so I got a big one.
What do you expect?

1134
01:04:57,660 --> 01:04:59,693
Stand up...

1135
01:04:59,761 --> 01:05:02,897
I mean, who else could get
a woman like Pamela Anderson?

1136
01:05:02,965 --> 01:05:05,232
Duh?
And I thought I was dumb.

1137
01:05:05,300 --> 01:05:08,002
Stand up, Tommy.
You don't have to lean.

1138
01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,672
But I like to lean.
I like to get close to it.

1139
01:05:10,739 --> 01:05:13,541
Really close to it.

1140
01:05:13,608 --> 01:05:16,777
Okay, actually, Jimmy Kimmel
came up to me backstage,

1141
01:05:16,845 --> 01:05:20,147
and he asked me what it was like
to have slept with Pam.

1142
01:05:20,215 --> 01:05:22,383
And I said,
"Well, it must be like

1143
01:05:22,451 --> 01:05:25,986
the feeling that a comedian gets
when you get a huge laugh."

1144
01:05:26,054 --> 01:05:29,257
And Jimmy said,
"Could you be more specific?"

1145
01:05:32,327 --> 01:05:36,597
And Courtney Love, god,
it's so great to see you...

1146
01:05:36,665 --> 01:05:40,668
Without a hospital gown
and restraints on.

1147
01:05:40,735 --> 01:05:43,337
And, god, Courtney can really
rock the house --

1148
01:05:43,405 --> 01:05:45,473
Or at least throw rocks
at the house

1149
01:05:45,541 --> 01:05:47,874
at 3:00 in the morning,
drunk off her ass

1150
01:05:47,942 --> 01:05:50,377
until the cops take her away
in handcuffs.

1151
01:05:55,250 --> 01:05:56,884
Oh, god.

1152
01:05:56,952 --> 01:05:58,753
Speaking of people I met
in rehab,

1153
01:05:58,821 --> 01:06:00,254
Dennis Rodman's here tonight.

1154
01:06:00,322 --> 01:06:01,722
Give it up.

1155
01:06:04,293 --> 01:06:06,260
The only guy on the earth

1156
01:06:06,327 --> 01:06:10,098
with more rebounds
than me and Pam.

1157
01:06:10,165 --> 01:06:11,332
Okay.

1158
01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:14,535
Now for the real reason
I came here tonight --

1159
01:06:14,603 --> 01:06:20,107
To honor my beautiful, talented,
compassionate blond ex-wife.

1160
01:06:20,175 --> 01:06:24,311
Unfortunately, Heather Locklear
couldn't be here tonight.

1161
01:06:24,379 --> 01:06:28,449
So let's make fun
of Pamela instead, okay?

1162
01:06:30,085 --> 01:06:31,986
Okay.

1163
01:06:32,054 --> 01:06:35,323
This is actually a special time
for Pam to be here

1164
01:06:35,390 --> 01:06:38,993
because she just turned 38
and her tits just turned 14.

1165
01:06:41,996 --> 01:06:46,701
Pam, I'll always remember
the very first time that we met.

1166
01:06:46,768 --> 01:06:49,336
It was at a club in Los Angeles.

1167
01:06:49,404 --> 01:06:51,405
You spotted me
from across the room.

1168
01:06:51,473 --> 01:06:52,573
You walked up to me,

1169
01:06:52,641 --> 01:06:55,943
and you said those magical
five words.

1170
01:06:56,011 --> 01:06:59,012
"I will fuck any drummer."

1171
01:07:03,585 --> 01:07:06,520
Pam and I shared one of
history's greatest romances.

1172
01:07:06,588 --> 01:07:09,357
It's like that book... Um...

1173
01:07:09,424 --> 01:07:13,094
Uh...

1174
01:07:13,162 --> 01:07:14,295
Who am I kidding?
I've never read a book.

1175
01:07:14,363 --> 01:07:17,264
I can barely read
my fucking tattoos.

1176
01:07:17,332 --> 01:07:20,001
Okay.

1177
01:07:20,068 --> 01:07:22,403
Well, you can't imagine
what it's like

1178
01:07:22,471 --> 01:07:24,238
coming home to Pam every night.

1179
01:07:24,306 --> 01:07:27,041
I mean, unless you own
an inflatable doll

1180
01:07:27,108 --> 01:07:29,744
that nags
and pays for your piercings.

1181
01:07:32,514 --> 01:07:35,383
I'm kidding, baby.
I'm so kidding.

1182
01:07:35,417 --> 01:07:38,051
Pam is
the sweetest person alive.

1183
01:07:38,119 --> 01:07:40,254
I mean, look how much
she loves animals.

1184
01:07:40,322 --> 01:07:45,092
The closest thing I've ever seen
her come to animal cruelty

1185
01:07:45,160 --> 01:07:49,329
was the time
she shaved her pussy.

1186
01:07:52,934 --> 01:07:55,636
She's always doing cool stuff
to spice up our love life

1187
01:07:55,704 --> 01:07:58,606
like the trapeze
she installed in our bedroom.

1188
01:07:58,673 --> 01:08:02,376
To this day, I cannot go to a
circus without getting a boner.

1189
01:08:02,444 --> 01:08:07,248
Honestly, I can't go anywhere
without getting a boner.

1190
01:08:09,717 --> 01:08:12,587
Like I said, Pam,
we've had our ups and downs --

1191
01:08:12,654 --> 01:08:15,389
Mostly in bed --

1192
01:08:15,457 --> 01:08:17,992
But I'll make you
a deal tonight, okay?

1193
01:08:18,060 --> 01:08:21,028
I'll forgive you for Kid Rock,

1194
01:08:21,096 --> 01:08:25,766
if you forgive me
for the stripper in Detroit,

1195
01:08:25,834 --> 01:08:27,535
the twins in Grand Rapids,

1196
01:08:27,603 --> 01:08:29,370
the blonde
from the House of Blues,

1197
01:08:29,437 --> 01:08:31,305
the brunette
from the House of Blues,

1198
01:08:31,373 --> 01:08:34,542
and the redhead
I'm meeting later tonight.

1199
01:08:36,511 --> 01:08:39,880
And, of course, Bea Arthur.

1200
01:08:44,419 --> 01:08:47,788
Okay, Pam, before I leave,

1201
01:08:47,856 --> 01:08:51,292
I just wanted to say,
you've always been there for me,

1202
01:08:51,359 --> 01:08:54,762
and your spirit and kindness
is an inspiration to me.

1203
01:08:54,829 --> 01:08:59,666
Like I said 500,000 times
on that damn sex tape,

1204
01:08:59,734 --> 01:09:02,403
I fucking love you, baby.

1205
01:09:12,613 --> 01:09:14,781
Kimmel: On this channel
on September 10th,

1206
01:09:14,849 --> 01:09:17,952
our final roaster tonight has
a one-woman show about divorce,

1207
01:09:18,019 --> 01:09:19,920
dieting,
and dating black people --

1208
01:09:19,987 --> 01:09:23,224
By choice, not because
she has to because she's fat.

1209
01:09:23,292 --> 01:09:24,325
It is called,

1210
01:09:24,392 --> 01:09:27,061
"I would rather suck my
grandfather's balls

1211
01:09:27,128 --> 01:09:28,395
than watch it."

1212
01:09:28,463 --> 01:09:31,399
She is the reason why
Italian men beat their wives.

1213
01:09:31,466 --> 01:09:33,767
Please welcome Lisa Lampanelli.

1214
01:09:38,072 --> 01:09:39,073
Come on.

1215
01:09:39,140 --> 01:09:41,375
Clap for fat and untalented.
Come on.

1216
01:09:41,442 --> 01:09:43,477
Let them hear it.
Clap for Jimmy.

1217
01:09:43,545 --> 01:09:46,480
Doing a great job all night,
and big hand for me

1218
01:09:46,547 --> 01:09:49,850
having to follow this bunch
of "Surreal Life" wannabes.

1219
01:09:49,918 --> 01:09:51,318
Come on, fuckers, clap.

1220
01:09:51,386 --> 01:09:53,421
I gotta go last.
I'm not famous yet.

1221
01:09:53,488 --> 01:09:55,489
Suck my cock.

1222
01:09:57,492 --> 01:09:59,160
But back to our host,

1223
01:09:59,227 --> 01:10:02,196
the soon-to-be-canceled
Jimmy Kimmel.

1224
01:10:02,263 --> 01:10:05,198
Come on. Nobody watches
that piece-of-crap show.

1225
01:10:05,266 --> 01:10:07,434
A horse shitting
on a parade route

1226
01:10:07,502 --> 01:10:10,170
has a bigger following
than Jimmy Kimmel.

1227
01:10:10,238 --> 01:10:13,841
Hitler got more laughs
than Jimmy Kimmel,

1228
01:10:13,909 --> 01:10:16,777
and he did it
without Jewish writers.

1229
01:10:19,114 --> 01:10:23,784
Tom cruise watched it
and went on antidepressants.

1230
01:10:27,389 --> 01:10:31,092
What a dais we have tonight,
folks.

1231
01:10:31,159 --> 01:10:34,762
We've got a drag queen,
a pervert, and a drug addict,

1232
01:10:34,830 --> 01:10:38,365
and I'm only talking
about Andy Dick.

1233
01:10:40,602 --> 01:10:44,505
Andy Dick...
What a fruity bastard.

1234
01:10:44,573 --> 01:10:46,440
I'm not saying Andy Dick is gay,

1235
01:10:46,507 --> 01:10:48,475
but I will say he's been known

1236
01:10:48,543 --> 01:10:52,679
to guess the flavor of a
popsicle just by sitting on it.

1237
01:10:56,451 --> 01:10:59,052
But don't get me wrong.
I love gay guys.

1238
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:01,154
If it wasn't for these fags,

1239
01:11:01,222 --> 01:11:04,024
us fat chicks
would have no friends.

1240
01:11:04,092 --> 01:11:07,561
But enough about
that pickle kisser.

1241
01:11:11,332 --> 01:11:15,202
And Courtney Love,
what a legend.

1242
01:11:15,270 --> 01:11:16,637
I love Courtney.

1243
01:11:16,705 --> 01:11:19,873
Courtney Love's band
was called "Hole."

1244
01:11:19,941 --> 01:11:23,376
Hole --
Not "whole" as in "complete,"

1245
01:11:23,444 --> 01:11:27,814
but "Hole" as in
"dirty, stinky pussy."

1246
01:11:30,385 --> 01:11:34,422
What a whore Courtney is.

1247
01:11:34,489 --> 01:11:38,725
She would suck a dick
for a diet.

1248
01:11:42,029 --> 01:11:43,663
Don't worry, honey.

1249
01:11:43,731 --> 01:11:46,734
I do it
just for the taste of it.

1250
01:11:52,374 --> 01:11:54,575
I see Eddie Griffin
is here tonight.

1251
01:11:54,643 --> 01:11:56,510
I don't know
much about you, Eddie,

1252
01:11:56,578 --> 01:12:00,647
but I do know I love your
brothers, Damon and Marlon.

1253
01:12:06,588 --> 01:12:08,188
But you know me, Eddie.
I love the black man.

1254
01:12:08,256 --> 01:12:09,689
I'm a white girl with a big ass.

1255
01:12:09,757 --> 01:12:14,528
I've had more black dick in me
than a urinal at the Apollo.

1256
01:12:21,102 --> 01:12:25,105
I've banged so many black guys,
I'm getting ashy.

1257
01:12:27,342 --> 01:12:31,679
Eddie Griffin and Dennis Rodman,
the only two blacks on the dais.

1258
01:12:31,747 --> 01:12:34,915
I understand why comedy central
only had two of youse here --

1259
01:12:34,983 --> 01:12:37,884
Any more and there'd be
a shooting.

1260
01:12:37,952 --> 01:12:41,621
But enough about the coloreds.

1261
01:12:48,163 --> 01:12:49,663
We're here tonight

1262
01:12:49,731 --> 01:12:53,367
to celebrate the career of the
most famous woman in the world,

1263
01:12:53,435 --> 01:12:55,636
Pamela Anderson.

1264
01:12:55,704 --> 01:12:57,905
Pam Anderson...

1265
01:12:57,973 --> 01:13:01,408
Is a legend.

1266
01:13:01,476 --> 01:13:04,745
She has dated Scott Baio,
the singer from Poison,

1267
01:13:04,813 --> 01:13:07,147
and the drummer
from Motley Crue.

1268
01:13:07,215 --> 01:13:10,150
Her life story
should be a show on VH1

1269
01:13:10,218 --> 01:13:13,687
called "I Fucked the '80s."

1270
01:13:20,762 --> 01:13:22,128
Pam, you are all woman,

1271
01:13:22,196 --> 01:13:25,165
but how did you physically
have sex with Tommy Lee?

1272
01:13:25,233 --> 01:13:26,533
He has a huge schlong.

1273
01:13:26,601 --> 01:13:29,169
If he put that thing
in front my face,

1274
01:13:29,237 --> 01:13:33,307
I wouldn't know whether I should
suck it or feed it a peanut.

1275
01:13:37,212 --> 01:13:39,746
But I'm gonna be honest.
I'm sitting up here tonight.

1276
01:13:39,814 --> 01:13:41,982
And I'm not comfortable
with all these people

1277
01:13:42,050 --> 01:13:43,417
taking shots at Pam Anderson.

1278
01:13:43,484 --> 01:13:47,020
We on this dais are no one
to make fun of this woman.

1279
01:13:47,088 --> 01:13:49,723
I ask you, can any of you done
what she's done?

1280
01:13:49,791 --> 01:13:52,258
No!

1281
01:13:52,326 --> 01:13:54,494
Would "Baywatch"
have been number one

1282
01:13:54,562 --> 01:13:57,664
if it were Jimmy Kimmel's boobs
jiggling in slow motion?

1283
01:13:57,732 --> 01:13:59,199
No.

1284
01:13:59,267 --> 01:14:01,535
Jimmy can't get anyone to watch
his show now

1285
01:14:01,602 --> 01:14:04,204
and they jiggle
at regular speed.

1286
01:14:04,272 --> 01:14:07,975
Could Adam Carolla
have made David Hasselhoff rich

1287
01:14:08,043 --> 01:14:10,277
just by wearing a bathing suit?

1288
01:14:10,345 --> 01:14:12,012
Of course not.

1289
01:14:12,080 --> 01:14:15,382
No one wants to see
his furry nut sack in a speedo.

1290
01:14:17,719 --> 01:14:19,553
It would look like a squirrel

1291
01:14:19,621 --> 01:14:23,490
fighting its way
out of a crown royal bag.

1292
01:14:31,399 --> 01:14:33,333
I'm not done.

1293
01:14:35,136 --> 01:14:36,604
And that sex video --

1294
01:14:36,671 --> 01:14:38,839
No one on this dais
could have done that.

1295
01:14:38,906 --> 01:14:41,542
If Andy Dick would have
blown Tommy Lee on screen,

1296
01:14:41,609 --> 01:14:43,009
would it have made millions?

1297
01:14:43,077 --> 01:14:44,077
No.

1298
01:14:44,145 --> 01:14:46,613
Andy Dick has blown
thousands of men,

1299
01:14:46,681 --> 01:14:50,450
and he hasn't made enough money
to pay for his vagina surgery.

1300
01:15:05,800 --> 01:15:08,535
But all jokes aside, Pam,

1301
01:15:08,602 --> 01:15:10,437
seriously, I'd like to thank you

1302
01:15:10,505 --> 01:15:13,807
for giving me the opportunity
to make fun of you tonight.

1303
01:15:13,875 --> 01:15:16,376
I think the reason
the world loves you so much

1304
01:15:16,444 --> 01:15:18,512
is that you are beautiful
and famous,

1305
01:15:18,579 --> 01:15:23,116
yet you still treat everyone you
meet with kindness and respect.

1306
01:15:29,657 --> 01:15:33,560
As a woman not nearly as famous
or as beautiful,

1307
01:15:33,628 --> 01:15:35,796
let me say
from the bottom of my heart,

1308
01:15:35,864 --> 01:15:37,064
knock it off, bitch,

1309
01:15:37,131 --> 01:15:39,600
you're making me look like
a foul-mouthed cunt.

1310
01:15:39,668 --> 01:15:42,235
Thank you, guys.

1311
01:15:51,412 --> 01:15:52,913
Kimmel:
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

1312
01:15:52,981 --> 01:15:55,849
a woman who has endured an
enormous amount of abuse tonight

1313
01:15:55,917 --> 01:15:57,818
all to support
her favorite charity.

1314
01:15:57,886 --> 01:16:01,288
She has been working
with P.E.T.A. Since 1989,

1315
01:16:01,356 --> 01:16:02,790
the day her gynecologist

1316
01:16:02,857 --> 01:16:05,359
discovered a family
of spotted owls

1317
01:16:05,426 --> 01:16:07,494
living in her enormous vagina.

1318
01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:12,966
In all honesty, she's
a real sport, and god bless her.

1319
01:16:13,033 --> 01:16:15,068
She really knows
how to suck a penis.

1320
01:16:15,136 --> 01:16:17,170
Please welcome
our guest of honor,

1321
01:16:17,238 --> 01:16:19,273
the one and only
Pamela Anderson.

1322
01:16:25,213 --> 01:16:26,479
All right.

1323
01:16:26,547 --> 01:16:28,148
Fuck off.

1324
01:16:30,284 --> 01:16:31,818
Thank you.

1325
01:16:31,886 --> 01:16:33,319
This has been fun.

1326
01:16:33,387 --> 01:16:35,288
I have to set
the record straight, though.

1327
01:16:35,356 --> 01:16:39,492
For the record,
I do have a tight pussy.

1328
01:16:39,560 --> 01:16:41,962
Right, Tommy?

1329
01:16:42,030 --> 01:16:43,463
Anyway, it doesn't matter.

1330
01:16:43,531 --> 01:16:47,067
Okay. First of all, I want to
thank Jimmy Kimmel for hosting.

1331
01:16:47,135 --> 01:16:49,469
He's been great.
He's been so great.

1332
01:16:51,139 --> 01:16:54,107
But then again,
as a member of P.E.T.A.,

1333
01:16:54,175 --> 01:16:55,642
I love anything with beady eyes

1334
01:16:55,710 --> 01:16:57,777
that can be trained
to shit in a box.

1335
01:16:59,313 --> 01:17:00,714
As you can imagine,

1336
01:17:00,782 --> 01:17:02,549
it's been very uncomfortable
up here for me,

1337
01:17:02,617 --> 01:17:03,783
at least, these last 90 minutes

1338
01:17:03,851 --> 01:17:05,285
because this is actually

1339
01:17:05,353 --> 01:17:07,721
the longest I've ever been
in clothes.

1340
01:17:09,557 --> 01:17:12,826
There's been a lot of talk about
all the guys I've had sex with,

1341
01:17:12,893 --> 01:17:14,995
a lot of whom
couldn't be here tonight

1342
01:17:15,062 --> 01:17:18,999
because the Staples Center
wasn't available.

1343
01:17:20,969 --> 01:17:22,803
I want to thank Jimmy, Adam,
Greg, Nick, Andy,

1344
01:17:22,870 --> 01:17:26,973
and everyone else in the room
that Sarah Silverman has fucked.

1345
01:17:30,945 --> 01:17:33,346
Eddie Griffin, I would love
to have thanked you, too,

1346
01:17:33,414 --> 01:17:35,115
but I'm told Sarah
only blew you.

1347
01:17:35,183 --> 01:17:37,384
I guess that last
commercial break

1348
01:17:37,452 --> 01:17:39,219
was shorter than she expected.

1349
01:17:39,287 --> 01:17:41,087
I do what I can.

1350
01:17:41,155 --> 01:17:43,056
Funny stuff.

1351
01:17:43,124 --> 01:17:45,526
Lady bunny,
I always knew you were crazy,

1352
01:17:45,593 --> 01:17:49,163
but in that skirt, I can clearly
see you're nuts.

1353
01:17:52,500 --> 01:17:55,002
Well, I can't believe
my friend Courtney Love is here

1354
01:17:55,070 --> 01:17:56,103
doing stand-up comedy.

1355
01:17:56,170 --> 01:17:58,071
This is great.

1356
01:17:58,139 --> 01:17:59,806
I knew she could do comedy.

1357
01:17:59,874 --> 01:18:02,409
I just didn't know
she could stand up.

1358
01:18:06,414 --> 01:18:09,349
I mean, she and I
have been friends for years.

1359
01:18:09,417 --> 01:18:12,486
She remembers -- one of them.

1360
01:18:12,553 --> 01:18:15,022
Actually, Nick DiPaolo
came up to me backstage

1361
01:18:15,090 --> 01:18:17,057
and told me he was
a huge Hole fan.

1362
01:18:17,125 --> 01:18:21,361
So I introduced him
to Lisa Lampanelli.

1363
01:18:24,199 --> 01:18:26,566
Ross: You go, girl.

1364
01:18:26,633 --> 01:18:29,703
Andy, I want to thank you for
your hilarious doctor sketch.

1365
01:18:29,771 --> 01:18:33,240
I know how nauseous it makes you
to touch a woman.

1366
01:18:35,643 --> 01:18:38,344
Oh, you know what?
I forgot Greg Giraldo.

1367
01:18:38,412 --> 01:18:41,048
But so have the rest of you.

1368
01:18:41,116 --> 01:18:44,050
Is my shirt see-through?
Darn it.

1369
01:18:44,118 --> 01:18:47,287
Oh, damn.

1370
01:18:47,354 --> 01:18:49,122
Not again.

1371
01:18:49,189 --> 01:18:51,157
Underdressed again.

1372
01:18:51,225 --> 01:18:53,660
Okay, no one tell.

1373
01:18:53,728 --> 01:18:56,663
Bea, I want to thank you
for reading my book.

1374
01:18:56,731 --> 01:18:58,231
My publicist was right.

1375
01:18:58,298 --> 01:19:01,134
It does sound much sexier
in a man's voice.

1376
01:19:01,202 --> 01:19:04,270
Oh, my boobs are so out there.
Sorry.

1377
01:19:04,338 --> 01:19:08,241
Thank god
this is Comedy Central.

1378
01:19:08,309 --> 01:19:10,277
Yeah, it's all right.
It's okay.

1379
01:19:10,344 --> 01:19:12,780
Yeah. It's all right.
Okay.

1380
01:19:12,847 --> 01:19:17,617
Okay, yes, we've all heard all
night how Tommy's well-endowed,

1381
01:19:17,685 --> 01:19:19,886
but he's also very charming.

1382
01:19:19,954 --> 01:19:22,756
Tommy, I remember when we met
you had the best pick-up line.

1383
01:19:22,823 --> 01:19:26,126
You said, "I'm very well endowed
and charming."

1384
01:19:26,194 --> 01:19:29,862
I remember the first time
I saw Tommy's penis,

1385
01:19:29,930 --> 01:19:33,633
I was speechless,
until my throat healed.

1386
01:19:39,640 --> 01:19:42,042
Tommy, you and I were together
for three years

1387
01:19:42,109 --> 01:19:44,144
and through it all,
I can honestly say

1388
01:19:44,212 --> 01:19:47,981
those were the happiest years
of your life.

1389
01:19:52,086 --> 01:19:53,620
Okay,
I've had a great time tonight,

1390
01:19:53,688 --> 01:19:55,689
but I have to say,
the reason I went through this

1391
01:19:55,756 --> 01:19:57,490
was to benefit
the P.E.T.A. Organization.

1392
01:19:57,558 --> 01:19:59,626
I want to thank them
for all their incredible work,

1393
01:19:59,693 --> 01:20:01,928
and I want to thank
everyone here tonight.

1394
01:20:01,996 --> 01:20:04,197
And none of this would
have been possible

1395
01:20:04,265 --> 01:20:08,068
without my two dear friends,
Poncho and Lefty.

1396
01:20:09,036 --> 01:20:12,306
Good night, everybody.
Thanks.

1397
01:20:12,373 --> 01:20:14,474
Ooh! Jesus Christ!

1398
01:20:14,541 --> 01:20:17,444
Let's jump Pam.
Come here.

1399
01:20:22,449 --> 01:20:24,985
I want to thank everyone
for coming tonight.

1400
01:20:25,052 --> 01:20:27,220
Call the police!
Good night.

1401
01:20:27,288 --> 01:20:29,956
Bye!