1 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,468 [♪ whimsical music playing] 2 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,761 I've been calling and calling, 3 00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:12,513 and Tristan still won't respond to me. 4 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,973 So I'm sending my child in to talk to her for me. 5 00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,477 I know. It's like all my guardrails are gone. 6 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,562 -[indistinct chatter] -Ooh, ooh. 7 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,484 [♪ music concludes] 8 00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:27,444 She doesn't want to talk to you. 9 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:29,988 That's all she said? You were in there for a half hour. 10 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,615 She likes talking to me. 11 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,243 Did you tell her she can call me any time, or text me, 12 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,827 or come over? That I'll do 13 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,454 whatever she asks to make it better? 14 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,289 Yeah, I said you were a desperate lunatic. 15 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,749 -Did she like that? -Dad. 16 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,167 Tell me exactly what she said. 17 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,877 She wants you to deal with this mess you made. 18 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,254 So do I. 19 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,173 Their anniversary is tomorrow. We can still go. 20 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,467 Then we can both be in your family. 21 00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,303 [all chuckle] 22 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,429 I can't remember a nicer Christmas. 23 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:57,015 -[Kelly] This is so nice! -I love all my presents. 24 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,392 -[indistinct chatter] -That's great! 25 00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,978 Reese, the amazing dinner you made, 26 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,563 cleaning everything by yourself, all your presents, 27 00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:05,107 so thoughtful and generous. 28 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,817 You really made this the best Christmas 29 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,318 -we've ever had. -Oh. 30 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,529 So, I'm the reason every other Christmas was crap? 31 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,031 -Huh? N... No, I-- -Yes, Reese, you're the reason 32 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:14,741 why every other Christmas was crap. 33 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,286 Well, look who blames everyone but himself, as usual. 34 00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,954 Hey, you can't criticize anyone. 35 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,831 Nice drugstore perfume, Richie Rich. 36 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,458 Better than "a donation was made in your name." 37 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,002 How am I supposed to turn that in for cash? 38 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,546 [Francis] Well, at least we spelled your name right on the card, you moron. 39 00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:29,381 Who gives black socks at Christmas? 40 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:31,133 Why did you have to ruin this? 41 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,802 Thanks for dragging me here. Now, I hate Christmas! 42 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:35,012 [overlapping chatter] 43 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:38,307 No. Not possible. You don't understand. 44 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,350 I'm protecting the people that I love 45 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,269 from the people that I love. 46 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,356 Listen, it was unfair of me to make you my go-between. 47 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,692 No child should be burdened with this kind of thing. 48 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,029 -We agree on one thing. -What have I done? 49 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,032 No! She's the one! [cries] 50 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,284 Leah, never fall in love with someone 51 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,535 that's better than you, okay? 52 00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,661 You'll just end up disappointing them 53 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:05,375 and disgusting yourself! Idiot! Idiot! No! [cries] 54 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,960 -I feel like if I comfort him... -[Malcolm] Idiot! 55 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:09,629 -... he'll keep going. -[Malcolm] Idiot! Idiot! 56 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,298 Tristan! I'm so-- 57 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:16,970 ♪ Life is unfair ♪ 58 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:22,559 -[♪ whimsical music playing] -[sighs] 59 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,272 What a rip. 60 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,691 Hmm. 61 00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,987 Oh, hello. 62 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:40,452 -Oh. -[♪ whimsical music playing] 63 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:46,083 [grunts] Okay, be that way. 64 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:53,924 [♪ upbeat music playing] 65 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,760 Mom, Reese finally worked up the courage 66 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,262 to come out of hiding and face your righteous anger. 67 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:00,514 She's out shopping all day. 68 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:03,100 I hid under her car until she drove off. [chuckles] 69 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,310 -What do you want? -Revenge. 70 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:06,520 What did I do? 71 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,940 You found out what I did. Do you know what this is? 72 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,735 -A completely trashed room. -Do you know what room? 73 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,529 -No. -Because you're a goody-goody 74 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:16,905 and you've never been there. 75 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,116 It's your principal's office. You trashed it. 76 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,576 -What? -As a protest over the slow pace 77 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,829 of progress on diversity and inclusion. 78 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,580 What'd you do? Leave a note saying, 79 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,666 -"I did it. Love, Kelly." -[Reese] Oh, please. 80 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:30,127 I went pro 20 years before you were born. 81 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,253 It's easy. 82 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,422 Copy your handwriting just well enough 83 00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,590 to look like it's you trying to disguise it. 84 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,510 Scrape your social media for characteristic phrasing. 85 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,221 "There's no activism without transgression." 86 00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,557 -You gave me that! -[gasps] 87 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:45,600 See what I did to the picture of his baby? 88 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:46,935 That's gonna focus some feelings. 89 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,645 What is wrong with you? 90 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,189 You'll never know. The court sealed that report. 91 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,400 [♪ music concludes] 92 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:58,238 [gags] I'm coming, Momma! 93 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:03,452 Must untangle umbilical cord! 94 00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:07,998 [pants] I see light! 95 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,249 I could take the squirming 96 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,251 if I didn't have to see his hangy stuff. 97 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:16,590 [grunts] Oh! [whimpers] 98 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:23,597 [screams] I made it, Momma! Hello, world! [laughs] 99 00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:30,020 [wailing] 100 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:34,149 My, my. What a big, strong voice. 101 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:40,322 Hello there. I'm Hal. 102 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,243 -[sighs] -How you feeling? 103 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,829 Hot and dizzy and nauseous. 104 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,539 I called my mom and she said 105 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,082 she felt like this every day for nine months 106 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,709 and that's why she never liked me. 107 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,045 I've been thinking a lot about my mom's list. 108 00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,798 -Oh, jeez. -No, it's good. I realized 109 00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,341 I haven't been fair to her. 110 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:00,926 She's got Dad to deal with, 111 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,636 Malcolm and Reese are giant assholes. 112 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,221 She's older now. 113 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,431 She doesn't feed on the chaos like she used to. 114 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:10,227 Wow. I'm so proud of you. 115 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,021 You've matured just in time to be a dad. 116 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,106 Anyway, she's freaking out about the money 117 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,483 she's spending at the party, 118 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:18,735 so I was thinking we're doing okay. 119 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,029 We could help out. Maybe our present 120 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,281 is that we kick in a thousand dollars toward the party. 121 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:27,035 I think that's nice. Wait a minute. 122 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:28,537 You're just trying to move up her list. 123 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,913 One spot. 124 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,164 We're having a damn baby. 125 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,624 How is that not at least top seven? 126 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,709 Yes, we're having a damn baby. 127 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,254 How can you still be so fixated on your mother? 128 00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,214 Because it's making me nuts! 129 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,757 Since the day I was born, 130 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,509 I've always been her biggest problem. 131 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,761 The first-grade fires, the summer camp riots, 132 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,304 the freshman plea deal. 133 00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,850 She nearly went completely bald from the stress I was causing. 134 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:54,563 -I don't know. I got used to it. -And even recognizing 135 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,523 how futile and self-destructive it is, 136 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,692 you're still gonna embrace this insanity? 137 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,988 Yes, you get it! Love you. 138 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,366 [sighs] 139 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:09,619 Oh, my God, you said that? You're so brave. 140 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:12,455 Yeah, you know I don't care what those guys think. 141 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,042 You gotta float above it. That's what I do. 142 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,378 It's easy when you're pretty. 143 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,632 I don't know. I think everyone has stuff they worry about. 144 00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:27,345 Is the cafeteria doing burgers or stir fry on Monday? 145 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:31,016 Stir fry. Monday's always stir fry. 146 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,144 I knew I'd be good at flirting. 147 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:35,979 -[knocking at the door] -Come in! 148 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,357 [chuckles softly] Hi, honey. 149 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,152 Sorry again about this morning, but I want you to know 150 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,070 I've done some hard introspection, 151 00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,363 and I'm in a calmer place now. 152 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,699 -Okay. -I mean, I'm still heartbroken. 153 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,869 But I accept that it is over between Tristan and me. 154 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,412 So now I'm sad. 155 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,915 But it's a healthy kind of sad that I can work to get past 156 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:59,002 by focusing on the good things in my life, like you. 157 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,379 I'm going to focus more on you. 158 00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:04,090 -I'm actually fine with w-- -I know it's the last thing 159 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,259 a kid your age wants is more time with Daddy. 160 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,385 But I had a great idea. 161 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,554 Do you remember Old School Manny's? 162 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,264 -Yes. -It's still open. 163 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,183 -We haven't been there in years. -Oh, I love that place. 164 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,976 -Me too. -The fries were amazing. 165 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,687 -They were disgusting. -No! Really? 166 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,689 Everything about that place was disgusting. 167 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,608 There was cockroaches in the bathroom. 168 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:22,901 The video games were sticky. 169 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,028 One time, I got a Band-Aid in my sandwich. 170 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,988 I don't remember it like that. 171 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,907 Because you were little, and it was our place. 172 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,868 We talked about school and your dreams and... 173 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,745 Why Mom left if she loved me so much. 174 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,872 Yeah, I never had a great answer for that one. 175 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,458 But let's go to dinner tonight. Me and you. 176 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,293 All right? They still have Zombie Massacre III. 177 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,253 We can play, and tomorrow, we'll compare nightmares. 178 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,546 That sounds great. 179 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,839 I'm really looking forward to it. 180 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,761 [♪ whimsical music playing] 181 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:51,596 You can go back to talking to that boy. 182 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,350 Can't wait. 183 00:07:57,852 --> 00:07:58,937 [Kelly] You look nice and comfy. 184 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,648 I assume you're here to beg for mercy? 185 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,776 No. Actually, I'm here to thank you. 186 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,904 This whole thing has been a real learning experience. 187 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:09,948 I learned what you're capable of. 188 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,325 I learned that the desire for revenge 189 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,827 can go way too far and hurt someone. 190 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,162 I learned I'm comfortable with that. 191 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:20,959 I learned your social security number is 987654327. 192 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:23,837 I learned how to contact the IRS anonymous tip line 193 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,131 about unreported video income. 194 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:30,135 [scoffs] I don't have unreported income. 195 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,262 Then you'll be fine. 196 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,306 The IRS isn't going to listen to a stupid teenager. 197 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,767 I worried about that too. But Agent Miller said 198 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,019 the national debt is 35 trillion dollars 199 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,521 and they'll listen to anybody. 200 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,483 O... Okay, you've won. 201 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,487 I've done this a long time, so I know. 202 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:50,613 Hmm. 203 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,282 At this point, any revenge I try 204 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,700 is not just going to be pointless. 205 00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,994 It's also going to blow back and hurt me. 206 00:08:57,495 --> 00:09:00,165 And somehow, I'm still looking forward to doing it. 207 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,460 I keep looking at this font. I can't decide. 208 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,671 Is this celebratory, romantic, or is this just cliched? 209 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,840 I'm running out of time. What do you think? 210 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,092 I think I clock out in five minutes. 211 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,844 Ten seconds later, I won't remember this interaction. 212 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,721 Yeah, you're right. It's cliched. 213 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,766 Hi, Abe. I have been calling Hal all day, 214 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,184 and he's not answering. Where are you guys? 215 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,560 -Lois, yes, yes. -[Hal groaning] 216 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:21,811 Lovely to hear from you. 217 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,146 All ready for your party tomorrow? 218 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,900 No, because I need Hal's help. Where is he? Where are you guys? 219 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,319 I can hear the excitement in your voice. 220 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,987 We are all looking forward to it. 221 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,197 -Abe! -[Abe] Yes, 222 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,907 we're just finishing up our haircuts. 223 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,534 It's taking much longer than we thought. 224 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:39,245 Mario is being overly precise. 225 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,041 [imitates radio static] Oops! We're heading into a tunnel. 226 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:48,129 -[Hal speaking indistinctly] -Barbershop... tunnel. 227 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,216 [groans] 228 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:54,552 I don't understand how you look exactly like me 229 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:56,638 and so much better than me. 230 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,557 Even your socks. I'll never have socks like that. 231 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:03,770 Hal, you have everything I have. I'm you. 232 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:07,774 -[scoffs] Come on. -[both chuckle] 233 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:10,318 I'm enjoying this, but we are here to work. 234 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:14,072 Can you tell me about Hal? 235 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,326 From the moment I had any self-awareness, 236 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,620 I have been gripped by a pervasive fear. 237 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,123 Fear has been my constant companion, 238 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,291 not as a condition or an abstraction, 239 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,502 but something tangible, embodied. 240 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,383 Interesting. Please, go on. 241 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:37,971 Like when I was seven, and our whole house shook 242 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,349 and heaved with the weight of my father's broken dreams. 243 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,853 Fear was already there, almost like a big brother. 244 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:47,105 -Your fear? -[teen Hal] Yeah, my fear. 245 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,732 Fear taught me things I needed in life. 246 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,067 Always say yes, 247 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,111 because you'll probably never get another chance. 248 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,281 And to never let go of what you've got, 249 00:10:56,489 --> 00:11:00,160 because anything can be taken away from you like that. 250 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:04,497 That sounds like such a hard way to live, Hal. 251 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,250 Oh, you bet. Fear made it hard sometimes. 252 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,918 But I don't think I would have gotten 253 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:12,297 anywhere in life without his vigilance. Right? 254 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:18,803 Right. Anything worth doing is worth doing in a cold sweat. 255 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,140 See? A tough lesson delivered with kindness. 256 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,725 -Ah. -Thanks, man. 257 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,729 -He reminds me of someone. -Trent Reznor. 258 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:30,815 Ah, yes! [chuckles] Thank you. 259 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:34,027 Let's move on. I think we're getting somewhere. 260 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:38,406 I... I used to think that taking care of my kids 261 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:40,033 was my purpose. 262 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,869 The best, most important thing I could ever do. 263 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,998 [chuckles] You know, it really swallows up 264 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:50,460 every bit of your attention and concern, 265 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,922 and plans for the future. 266 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:56,966 And? 267 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:04,974 And, uh, as every kid grew up and moved out, 268 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,687 I had more and more bandwidth, and... 269 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,317 I... I finally realized... 270 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,655 they didn't need me anymore. 271 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,118 So, no meaning... 272 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,621 no purpose. 273 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:32,835 I... [sniffles] I'm nothing. 274 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:42,428 Hal, you've been so focused on your family's needs, 275 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,139 you never thought about your own. 276 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,601 Your inner resources are depleted 277 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,229 because you've never nourished them. 278 00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:55,316 I haven't thought about it like that. 279 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,403 Hal, the key to this 280 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,906 is what they always tell you on airplanes. 281 00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,785 You have to put your own mask... 282 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,454 on first. 283 00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,458 Whoa! 284 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:16,879 [♪ upbeat music playing] 285 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,716 Hey, Piama and I can see 286 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,509 how stressed you are about the party, 287 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:24,429 but we both think an achievement like 40 years of marriage 288 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,722 needs to be celebrated, 289 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,224 so we're giving you a thousand bucks toward it. 290 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:31,269 [gasps] Thanks. 291 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,692 Hi, this is Lois. 292 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,485 Is that upgrade to the sound system 293 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:42,280 still available? Fifteen hundred dollars, right? 294 00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:43,614 Let's do it. 295 00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:47,368 No. I gave you that to help your money problems. 296 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:48,453 You're not supposed to put yourself 297 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:49,912 another five hundred in the hole. 298 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,582 I have to spend what I need to make this the way I want. 299 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,876 And you need to stop obsessing about the list. 300 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:57,003 -It's only a number. -Then move me up one. 301 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,421 That's not how the list works. 302 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,090 You're only doing this because you get some sort of sick thrill 303 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,009 out of making me feel small. 304 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:05,136 That's it. I am done. 305 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,554 You need to get a grip on yourself 306 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:07,722 because I am not going to indulge 307 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,640 in this stupidity anymore. 308 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,059 What's that? 309 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,519 It's just more party stuff like all the other party stuff. 310 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:15,688 Huh. 311 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,569 Do not make a thing about this. 312 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:25,490 Booties? Little bunny booties? 313 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,117 Little bunny baby booties 314 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,995 for your widdle bunny baby grandchild? 315 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,580 They were on sale, and I can return them. 316 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,999 -I knew it was important to you. -Go away! 317 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,503 What's my number now, Mom? What's my number now? 318 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,299 So decapitation is back, back, up, high kick, forward, down? 319 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,010 No, that pulls their hearts out and stuffs it in their throats. 320 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,136 -Hmm. -[chuckles] 321 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,889 You know, if you want, we can go somewhere decent instead. 322 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,349 I don't care. 323 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:54,060 Anywhere I go with you is the best place in the world. 324 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:59,482 Dad, quit it. Can you get my bag from the back? 325 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:00,733 Sure. 326 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,653 [♪ upbeat music playing] 327 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,322 [grunts] What the hell? Ow! 328 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,116 What are you doing-- Oh! 329 00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,201 -[whimpers] -[grunts] 330 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,953 -Ow! Ow! Ow! -[grunts] 331 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,412 [Malcolm] Why would you do this to me? 332 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:16,207 [both grunt] 333 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,084 [♪ music continues] 334 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:22,755 [Malcolm groans] 335 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,927 [♪ music concludes] 336 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,303 I can't believe how much 337 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:32,140 I've learned from you already, Perfect Hal. 338 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:33,850 I wish I was you. 339 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,227 You still don't get it, Regular Hal. 340 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,355 I'm the you inside you. 341 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:42,775 You have to start taking care of your own needs. 342 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:47,530 Create space for the best Hal to grow and thrive. 343 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,783 You have to let go of the people holding you back. 344 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:52,702 People? 345 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:56,581 Your family, Hal. And their constant demands. 346 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,040 I love my family. 347 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:01,669 They're termites nibbling away at your happiness. 348 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:05,715 Stop the nibbling, Hal. They've got to go. 349 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,466 Go where? 350 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:14,015 [gasps] You want me to kill them? 351 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,142 New ideas can be challenging. 352 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:18,477 And there's no growth without pain. 353 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,733 But it doesn't have to be you feeling that pain. 354 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:29,822 Oh, my God. You're not Perfect Hal. 355 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:34,493 I was just dazzled by your socks. You're Evil Hal. 356 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,412 [both grunt] 357 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:41,125 You're nothing but a gorgeous monster! [grunts] 358 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:45,463 -[grunts] -You're being ridiculous, Hal. 359 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,839 [skittle crash echoes] 360 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,884 -[grunts] -You can't beat me! 361 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,219 -[typewriter dings] -[Evil Hal grunts] 362 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,970 -[cat clock meows] -[Hal grunts] 363 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,264 [Hal groans] 364 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:58,851 Hmm. 365 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,357 -[Evil Hal whispers] Bang. -[groans] 366 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,277 [Evil Hal whistles] 367 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:12,615 [Hal pants] 368 00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:17,870 [♪ music pauses] 369 00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,333 -[♪ music resumes] -[groans, wheezes] 370 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:23,501 [♪ music concludes] 371 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:27,338 You need to grow up, Hal. 372 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:31,384 You spent your entire life pretending I didn't exist 373 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,678 because you knew this would happen. 374 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,556 So, what do you want to do first? 375 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:38,432 I think we start small. 376 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,936 Do the "success builds on success" thing. 377 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:44,855 And how about the look? 378 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,609 Let's go with darker colors, huh? 379 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:54,323 -I love you. -What? 380 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,617 [chuckles softly] 381 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,746 I love you. 382 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:02,957 [scoffs] 383 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:08,671 -You're terrified of me. -No, I'm not. 384 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,341 Well, there's nothing scary about you. 385 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,387 I don't blame Fear. He was trying his best, but... 386 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:19,682 hiding you away from me just made you seem 387 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:21,851 more powerful than you are. 388 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:23,728 [voice pitch rising] I am powerful! 389 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:29,108 No, you're needy and insubstantial, and-- 390 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,652 -Well, delicate. -[pitch rises higher] Stop this! 391 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:35,281 One tiny little tile of the mosaic of me. 392 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,743 Oh, I have hundreds of different little Hals 393 00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,494 inside me telling me things. 394 00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:43,873 That's why I'm so easily confused. 395 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,166 [Evil Hal in squeaky voice] No! No! 396 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,917 -You'll be okay. -[Evil Hal] No! 397 00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,628 You'll have lots of little friends. 398 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,339 -[Evil Hal screams] No! -Oh, there, there. 399 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,799 I got you, buddy. Here. 400 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,345 [Manjushri] Congratulations, Hal. 401 00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:58,429 Ooh! 402 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,891 You vanquished the inner demon and cast off false duality. 403 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,184 Well done. 404 00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,062 Bodhisattva Manjushri Kamarabhuta? 405 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,606 [clicks tongue] Call me Arapachana. 406 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:13,235 How would I know who you are? I wouldn't know that. 407 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:16,364 It's the collective unconscious. Jung has a-- 408 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:17,865 It's boring, don't worry about it. 409 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,576 What's important is that you are now worthy 410 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,119 of meeting your animal partner. 411 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:25,581 They will be your guide, your mentor, and your guardian. 412 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,167 Where? [shrieks] 413 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,795 -[squeaks] -What is that? 414 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,297 [squeaks] 415 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:35,966 Can't I get a wolf or a panther? 416 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,010 No one chooses their animal partner. 417 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,387 It chooses you. 418 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,305 I mean, I have a 12-foot blue lion, 419 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,598 but they're all great. 420 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,310 It's leading you somewhere. 421 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,021 -But... -Hey, I'm not making you 422 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,357 do the mantras or contemplate the five skandhas. 423 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:54,318 I'm not making you achieve an inconceivable state 424 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,778 without obstruction or form. 425 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,071 We're cutting a lot of corners here, 426 00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,948 so just follow the rat. 427 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,826 -[♪ playful instrumental music playing] -[rat squeals] 428 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,494 [Hal pants] 429 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:13,504 -[rat squeals] -[pants] 430 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,507 Rat friend? 431 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,468 [♪ music concludes] 432 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:49,248 [♪ whimsical instrumental music playing] 433 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:59,800 -[gasps, chuckles] -[♪ music continues] 434 00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:02,678 [gasps] 435 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,976 [gasps, chuckles] 436 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:16,901 That's it! That's it! I get it! 437 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,863 [shouts] Yes! 438 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,156 [♪ music concludes] 439 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:25,201 Okay, each of you, tell me again what you're doing tomorrow. 440 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:27,453 Mom, come on, it's late. We're tired. 441 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,830 We've gone over it. We know what our jobs are. 442 00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,957 Stop treating us like half-witted toddlers. 443 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:33,375 This isn't about you doing your jobs. 444 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,753 This is about managing my anxiety. 445 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,338 I can't find your father, 446 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:40,466 and they sent me pillar candles instead of taper candles, 447 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:43,093 so now I have to shave them into the proper shape, 448 00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,971 and wax is not a forgiving medium. 449 00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,058 I mean, look at this. That's too tapered! 450 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:53,103 Obviously, I am losing it, so please, let's just do this, 451 00:21:53,187 --> 00:21:54,814 and then you can go to sleep. Kelly. 452 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,691 Blow up balloons, then make sure the tables are completely set 453 00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,318 before I put out the favor bags. 454 00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:00,402 -Piama. -Check the rentals 455 00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,363 against your list. Verify there are no scratches 456 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:04,824 or dents before I give those crooks one red cent. 457 00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:06,617 -Francis. -Make sure all 50 parking spaces 458 00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:08,744 are clear. Set up a separate supply area 459 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,955 and signage for your signature cocktails, 460 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,165 the Fuzzy Lois and the Halgarita. 461 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,918 -I'll keep working on the names. -Thank you! 462 00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,420 [Kelly] Halgarita, really? 463 00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:22,675 -Hello. -[Leah] Hi, Grandma. It's Leah. 464 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:23,968 I've got great news. 465 00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:25,553 We're coming to your party after all. 466 00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:27,763 Dad just changed his mind out of the blue. 467 00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:30,516 -See you there. -[groans] Please slow down. 468 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,685 I promise I won't try to jump out again. 469 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:35,312 It's eleven more hours to Grandma and Grandpa's. 470 00:22:35,396 --> 00:22:36,856 -We're not slowing down. -[groans] 471 00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:38,399 Oh, move a little that way. 472 00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:39,859 You're gonna get blood on my dress. 473 00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:42,111 That dress is a really good color for you. 474 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,613 Thank you. And you're gonna look amazing 475 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:46,824 in your outfit, like a hot 18-year-old. 476 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:49,493 -[both chuckle] -This is insanity! 477 00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,829 You've committed an actual kidnapping! 478 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,206 Does this mean we're back together? 479 00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,917 This is an intervention. 480 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:58,377 You're addicted to being an idiot 481 00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:59,795 and we are helping you. 482 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:01,589 You can't spend the rest of your life 483 00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:05,050 lying and hiding and denying your family even exists. 484 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:06,552 It worked perfectly until they showed up. 485 00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:09,513 But Dad, stop. Please, stop. 486 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:12,099 You're not protecting me from your family drama. 487 00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,018 You're the one keeping it going. 488 00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:17,021 I'm trying to be a good father. I don't know... 489 00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:21,275 If I should know something and you keep it a secret, 490 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:25,279 you aren't saving me, you're stealing from me. 491 00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:30,200 My choice, my self-respect, my trust in you. 492 00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:32,870 Daddy, I need all of those things. 493 00:23:32,995 --> 00:23:35,623 [♪ pop song playing over radio] 494 00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:40,502 Oh, my God. You're right. You're completely right. 495 00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,047 I am so sorry. 496 00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:45,966 I should have told you.. 497 00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,803 All this secrecy is just so toxic. 498 00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:54,433 [♪ song continues] 499 00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:57,394 Twelve years ago, I was arrested for attempted murder. 500 00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,813 -Whoa! -Y... You what? 501 00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:02,149 I didn't think it was important to tell you 502 00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:03,442 until we were serious, 503 00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:05,027 and then with your whole political thing, 504 00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:06,946 I just didn't know how to bring it up. 505 00:24:07,488 --> 00:24:10,491 And it wasn't even murder. I mean, I totally got off. 506 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:13,702 You tried to murder someone? [gasps] 507 00:24:13,953 --> 00:24:15,496 My mom was dating this guy 508 00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:18,290 and one time he beat her up, and I got him arrested. 509 00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:22,169 But all of his buddies were cops and he got out the next morning. 510 00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:25,297 He came straight to my apartment and kicked my door in, 511 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:27,591 -and I shot him. -You know how to shoot people? 512 00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:29,551 -[Malcolm pants] -Obviously! 513 00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,638 When the cops came, Jenna, my roommate, 514 00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,306 told them what happened, but all of his buddies 515 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:36,225 believed him, and I got arrested. 516 00:24:36,350 --> 00:24:37,893 -[scoffs] Cops. -Yeah. 517 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,353 Yeah. It took a couple of weeks 518 00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:40,646 for everyone to figure out the truth 519 00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:41,981 and dismiss the charges. 520 00:24:42,106 --> 00:24:43,691 And by the way, it took me a lot of work 521 00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:45,317 to finally get my arrest record sealed. 522 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:46,652 Okay. [exhales] 523 00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:49,571 But it did get in some newspapers. 524 00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,074 And all over the internet. 525 00:24:53,242 --> 00:24:56,870 Because I was naked when I shot him. In the balls. 526 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:01,041 You cannot lose this woman. 527 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:04,670 Wait. I remember. 528 00:25:05,879 --> 00:25:09,508 -You're "Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang"? -[chuckles] 529 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,303 [♪ upbeat music playing] 530 00:25:14,555 --> 00:25:17,599 -[gasps] -Drugs? Drugs? 531 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:21,854 -The party is tonight! -Honey, I have great news! 532 00:25:21,979 --> 00:25:24,023 -Get in the car! -[Hal grunts] 533 00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:28,110 If it's not one damn thing it's another. 534 00:25:31,697 --> 00:25:34,283 You are not going to beat me! 535 00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,702 I had the most amazing breakthrough. 536 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,038 -Not now. Carl, you still there? -[Carl] Yeah. 537 00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,831 You delivered the wrong projector. 538 00:25:40,998 --> 00:25:45,044 I specifically asked for 4K at 2700 lumens. 539 00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:47,212 You sent 2000 lumens at 1080p. 540 00:25:47,296 --> 00:25:48,464 [Carl] What the hell are you talking about? 541 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,216 I figured it out. No one realizes it, 542 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,969 but I'm their birthday cake. 543 00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,722 Everyone can take slices of happiness from me 544 00:25:56,805 --> 00:25:59,892 whenever they want. And I never run out of slices. 545 00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:03,437 That's who I am. I'm an inexhaustible cake. 546 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,147 -You're not a cake. Carl? -[Carl] Yep? 547 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:09,902 Here it is. Contract. Page 2, item 10 63. 548 00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:11,945 I want the right projector, Carl. 549 00:26:12,029 --> 00:26:13,739 Honey, are you worried about that herd of buffalo 550 00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,240 -coming up on your left? -[Lois] Sweetheart, please. 551 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,576 -I'm busy. -Okay, but they look kind of peevish. 552 00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:24,541 [driver] I'm sorry. Are you guys all right? 553 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,669 [Hal bellows like a buffalo] 554 00:26:28,212 --> 00:26:30,756 Don't worry, honey, I'm establishing dominance. 555 00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:34,301 Honey? 556 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,220 [♪ rock music playing, They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"] 557 00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:38,138 ♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪ 558 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,641 ♪ I don't know ♪ 559 00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:43,727 ♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪ 560 00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,105 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 561 00:26:46,188 --> 00:26:48,440 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 562 00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:50,234 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 563 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:53,237 ♪ And you're not so big ♪ 564 00:26:53,362 --> 00:26:54,571 [♪ music concludes] 565 00:26:57,366 --> 00:26:58,367 [male voice] Yeah.