1
00:00:00,133 --> 00:00:07,023
I've got a pen pal. I was at school
with. I did ask her out once,
60 years ago.

2
00:00:07,025 --> 00:00:09,580
I thought the sun shone out of her.

3
00:00:09,582 --> 00:00:11,778
Alan? Celia.

4
00:00:11,780 --> 00:00:14,973
Some braindead, lowlife trailer
trash stole my parking space.

5
00:00:14,975 --> 00:00:17,413
<font color="
Sorry?

6
00:00:17,415 --> 00:00:20,293
We've got some news for you.
We're getting married!

7
00:00:20,295 --> 00:00:23,093
Alan Buttershaw, he was brought
in with a heart attack.

8
00:00:23,095 --> 00:00:25,973
What have you done to him?
He didn't used to be like this.

9
00:00:25,975 --> 00:00:29,133
<font color="
Hello. Er, mind where... Oh!

10
00:00:29,135 --> 00:00:31,333
I don't recognise you any more.

11
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:33,493
Chucking your money away
on flash cars!

12
00:00:33,495 --> 00:00:36,293
You've got no idea of the
consequences!

13
00:00:36,295 --> 00:00:39,373
She reads Daily Mail,
<font color="

14
00:00:39,375 --> 00:00:41,293
You can keep your Guardian.

15
00:00:41,295 --> 00:00:44,853
Is there an argument for you and me
getting back together?

16
00:00:44,855 --> 00:00:47,413
I like sleeping with other women.
I always did.

17
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:50,335
You're going to tell me next
you voted for Margaret Thatcher.

18
00:00:51,735 --> 00:00:54,293
<font color="
Michael Foot.

19
00:00:54,295 --> 00:00:56,893
When you love someone,
isn't it, like, warts and all?

20
00:00:56,895 --> 00:00:58,655
Come hell or high water?

21
00:02:13,095 --> 00:02:14,613
Here we are.

22
00:02:14,615 --> 00:02:18,653
Omega-3, a dazzling salad
and no carbs.

23
00:02:18,655 --> 00:02:20,373
I thought you were setting the table.

24
00:02:20,375 --> 00:02:22,055
<font color="

25
00:02:23,135 --> 00:02:24,453
What are you busy with?

26
00:02:24,455 --> 00:02:26,333
Filling in this form.

27
00:02:26,335 --> 00:02:28,133
Are we opening a bottle of Prosecco?

28
00:02:28,135 --> 00:02:30,813
Well, it is a Tuesday.

29
00:02:30,815 --> 00:02:32,533
What form are you filling in?

30
00:02:32,535 --> 00:02:34,255
It's, is...

31
00:02:36,335 --> 00:02:38,173
Earth to Alan?

32
00:02:38,175 --> 00:02:40,135
I'm applying for a job.

33
00:02:41,135 --> 00:02:44,373
<font color="
I'm just buggering about.

34
00:02:44,375 --> 00:02:46,693
A job? Doing what?

35
00:02:46,695 --> 00:02:50,093
Chairman of the United Nations.

36
00:02:50,095 --> 00:02:51,893
Oh, well, you'll be good at that,

37
00:02:51,895 --> 00:02:54,693
with all your namby-pamby,
left-wing claptrap.

38
00:02:54,695 --> 00:02:55,773
What is it?

39
00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:57,013
Something to do with Harry?

40
00:02:57,015 --> 00:02:59,813
<font color="

41
00:02:59,815 --> 00:03:01,973
Well, you know what you're like
with Harry.

42
00:03:01,975 --> 00:03:04,693
He says, "Jump," and you say,
"How high?"

43
00:03:04,695 --> 00:03:09,053
How would you describe
my personality? In three words.

44
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:11,575
MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, hello.

45
00:03:13,815 --> 00:03:15,853
<font color="
Why do they need to know

46
00:03:15,855 --> 00:03:17,495
about your personality?

47
00:03:19,455 --> 00:03:20,655
Alan?

48
00:03:22,375 --> 00:03:23,535
Alan!

49
00:03:24,535 --> 00:03:25,853
How about deaf? That's one.

50
00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,133
Away with the fairies.
That's another.

51
00:03:28,135 --> 00:03:31,413
Course, that's four words,
<font color="

52
00:03:31,415 --> 00:03:32,895
He's coming over.

53
00:03:33,975 --> 00:03:35,413
Eh? Ted. He's getting a flight.

54
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:39,173
And he's landing at Heathrow,
Saturday morning

55
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:40,693
at 20 past 11.

56
00:03:40,695 --> 00:03:42,293
He's never.

57
00:03:42,295 --> 00:03:43,653
What, this Saturday?

58
00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,533
He wants to know
<font color="

59
00:03:45,535 --> 00:03:46,733
Course you can, lad.

60
00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:51,413
"It's all a bit last minute,
but I'll explain when I see you."

61
00:03:51,415 --> 00:03:54,013
Well, I wonder what that means.

62
00:03:54,015 --> 00:03:55,893
What, stay here? With us?

63
00:03:55,895 --> 00:03:59,573
Well, that guest bedroom
will need sorting out.

64
00:03:59,575 --> 00:04:03,773
<font color="
Do you think he's poorly?

65
00:04:03,775 --> 00:04:07,053
Well, either that or he's fallen out
with that Nadine again.

66
00:04:07,055 --> 00:04:13,093
We're going to have to get that guest
bedroom kitted out properly, see,
Alan.

67
00:04:13,095 --> 00:04:14,573
There's a bed in it.

68
00:04:14,575 --> 00:04:17,013
<font color="
Yeah, well, I care.

69
00:04:17,015 --> 00:04:21,133
He's got a connecting flight
to Doncaster Sheffield Airport,

70
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:23,813
and can we pick him up
at 14.45, Saturday?

71
00:04:23,815 --> 00:04:25,653
Well, we're not doing owt, are we?

72
00:04:25,655 --> 00:04:27,133
Well, we'd better not have a drink,

73
00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:30,335
<font color="
and get some new curtains.

74
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,333
A supermarket?

75
00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:38,893
Mm. Same place our Ellie works at.

76
00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:41,413
The new one down Sowerby Bridge.

77
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,333
But doing what?

78
00:04:43,335 --> 00:04:45,053
Trading assistant.

79
00:04:45,055 --> 00:04:46,893
Checkout.

80
00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,893
What the hell for?

81
00:04:48,895 --> 00:04:51,733
<font color="

82
00:04:51,735 --> 00:04:55,253
Well, so do I, but in a supermarket?

83
00:04:55,255 --> 00:04:57,495
Hey, eyes on the road.

84
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,773
So this was today?
Well, I told him.

85
00:05:02,775 --> 00:05:04,373
I said, "How are you gonna get
there?

86
00:05:04,375 --> 00:05:07,133
"You're gonna have to get yourself
<font color="

87
00:05:07,135 --> 00:05:10,253
"cos you're not taking the Lexus
every day, cos I might need it."

88
00:05:10,255 --> 00:05:11,813
I thought you said it was only
part-time.

89
00:05:11,815 --> 00:05:15,695
It's only four hours,
four days a week.

90
00:05:18,695 --> 00:05:20,693
Oh, so it wouldn't be every day?

91
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:24,213
<font color="
when the hell it was.

92
00:05:24,215 --> 00:05:27,013
D'you know what he says?
Wait for it.

93
00:05:27,015 --> 00:05:28,773
Well, I'll get a bus.

94
00:05:28,775 --> 00:05:30,813
You on a bus?

95
00:05:30,815 --> 00:05:33,773
That's £279.98, please.

96
00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:36,133
I know. Him on a bus.

97
00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:37,573
<font color="

98
00:05:37,575 --> 00:05:40,853
There's one that comes down past
here and goes straight there.

99
00:05:40,855 --> 00:05:42,373
He's 82.

100
00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:45,733
He'd only be sitting on it, chicken,
he wouldn't be driving it.

101
00:05:45,735 --> 00:05:48,293
Yes, but he'd be standing out there
<font color="

102
00:05:48,295 --> 00:05:49,533
Getting wet through.

103
00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:52,813
Or dehydrated,
now we've got global warming.

104
00:05:52,815 --> 00:05:54,173
Some people like getting on a bus.

105
00:05:54,175 --> 00:05:55,493
Like who?

106
00:05:55,495 --> 00:05:56,853
People.

107
00:05:56,855 --> 00:05:58,333
How come you know so much?

108
00:05:58,335 --> 00:05:59,613
When were you ever on a bus?

109
00:05:59,615 --> 00:06:01,415
<font color="

110
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:04,773
Where is he, anyway?

111
00:06:04,775 --> 00:06:06,533
When where you ever on a bus?

112
00:06:06,535 --> 00:06:08,053
Last year, last summer.

113
00:06:08,055 --> 00:06:09,333
Barcelona.

114
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:11,213
Me and Gillian, Flora and Calamity.

115
00:06:11,215 --> 00:06:13,293
We went on a sight-seeing tour.

116
00:06:13,295 --> 00:06:16,293
You could step on and off all day
<font color="
wonderful.

117
00:06:16,295 --> 00:06:18,053
A proper bus.

118
00:06:18,055 --> 00:06:21,013
One that smells of engine oil
and nausea

119
00:06:21,015 --> 00:06:24,813
and has all puke running along the
grooves in the floorboards.

120
00:06:24,815 --> 00:06:28,935
No, Mum. That was the 1960s,
buses aren't like that now.

121
00:06:30,055 --> 00:06:31,893
<font color="

122
00:06:31,895 --> 00:06:35,533
Pleasant enough, although the food
was a disappointment.

123
00:06:35,535 --> 00:06:37,133
And who won the fancy dress?

124
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,375
Caleb. Came as a banana.

125
00:06:40,335 --> 00:06:42,733
Four fairies. I said it was
a mistake.

126
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,053
Never mind.

127
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:47,573
Anyway, so I said to him,
<font color="

128
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:48,853
And he's all...

129
00:06:48,855 --> 00:06:53,653
Well, I can always go
and have a checkup before I start.

130
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,933
Are you winding me up?

131
00:06:55,935 --> 00:06:57,533
No.

132
00:06:57,535 --> 00:07:00,293
Well, it sounds like
he's approaching it sensibly.

133
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:02,853
Why do you always
<font color="

134
00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:05,293
You often say this. Every time.

135
00:07:05,295 --> 00:07:07,813
Do you think you've got
a chip on your shoulder?

136
00:07:07,815 --> 00:07:10,173
I'm missing Eggheads. Oh, come on.

137
00:07:10,175 --> 00:07:13,493
If it's something he wants to do
and if it's only a few hours a week.

138
00:07:13,495 --> 00:07:16,133
<font color="
for goodness' sake.

139
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:18,213
It's not like he's running
Network Rail.

140
00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:20,853
Oh, well, I wouldn't mind that
so much.

141
00:07:20,855 --> 00:07:22,135
At least that'd be a...

142
00:07:23,455 --> 00:07:25,015
What?

143
00:07:26,615 --> 00:07:28,613
Respectable?

144
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,013
A desk job!

145
00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:34,373
<font color="
What if he ends up pushing trolleys?

146
00:07:34,375 --> 00:07:37,693
What if he gets someone
who's difficult to deal with?

147
00:07:37,695 --> 00:07:41,373
Ooh. Friday night, don't forget
Gillian and I are cooking up at her
house,

148
00:07:41,375 --> 00:07:43,453
seeing as we did it round
<font color="

149
00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:45,133
It's in the diary.

150
00:07:45,135 --> 00:07:48,773
I never know what to get you
for your birthday. Either of you.

151
00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:50,295
I don't need anything.

152
00:07:51,455 --> 00:07:55,253
What are you looking so pleased
with yourself for anyway?

153
00:07:55,255 --> 00:07:57,853
You're not...in love again, are you?

154
00:07:57,855 --> 00:07:59,853
I'm off.

155
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:01,773
<font color="

156
00:08:01,775 --> 00:08:04,733
Let me know what
you want for your birthday.

157
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,853
Where did you say he was?

158
00:08:06,855 --> 00:08:08,813
Oh, he's buggered off
up to Gillian's.

159
00:08:08,815 --> 00:08:12,933
He's taken our Calamity home.
I mean, it became a proper argument.

160
00:08:12,935 --> 00:08:16,013
<font color="

161
00:08:16,015 --> 00:08:18,093
I'm upset.

162
00:08:18,095 --> 00:08:21,053
I've got to go. I've got John coming
over for dinner.

163
00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:22,493
John?

164
00:08:22,495 --> 00:08:24,013
Thank you for picking up Tinkerbell.

165
00:08:24,015 --> 00:08:25,213
Oh, I know.

166
00:08:25,215 --> 00:08:27,333
What for?
CHUCKLES

167
00:08:27,335 --> 00:08:29,333
<font color="

168
00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:31,013
Ted's coming. Ted?

169
00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:32,653
His brother. From New Zealand.

170
00:08:32,655 --> 00:08:35,253
Oh, I remember Ted at the wedding.

171
00:08:35,255 --> 00:08:37,133
He fancied Kate.

172
00:08:37,135 --> 00:08:39,495
Ted fancied everybody.

173
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,893
Well, she says, "You're not
taking t'Lexus, I might need it."

174
00:08:44,895 --> 00:08:46,493
<font color="

175
00:08:46,495 --> 00:08:49,693
Well, she did, which is fair enough,
she might need it,

176
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:53,613
so I said, "Well, then,
I'll get on a bus,"

177
00:08:53,615 --> 00:08:55,933
and she goes, "You? On a bus?"

178
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:59,253
As if it were a wholly alien
concept.

179
00:08:59,255 --> 00:09:00,653
Aliens? Hmm?

180
00:09:00,655 --> 00:09:03,173
<font color="

181
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:05,373
No, I like a bus ride.

182
00:09:05,375 --> 00:09:07,813
Many a time I used to get on a bus.

183
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:10,133
Before we bought yond...

184
00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:14,333
Yeah, before you started chucking
your lolly around on rubbish.

185
00:09:14,335 --> 00:09:16,173
Well, I thought she'd be delighted,

186
00:09:16,175 --> 00:09:19,373
not having me underfoot
<font color="

187
00:09:19,375 --> 00:09:21,053
She goes...

188
00:09:21,055 --> 00:09:22,773
What if people see you?

189
00:09:22,775 --> 00:09:25,933
Well, that's the idea,
working at a checkout.

190
00:09:25,935 --> 00:09:27,453
A non-automated checkout.

191
00:09:27,455 --> 00:09:30,413
It's the only human contact
some people have all day.

192
00:09:30,415 --> 00:09:32,533
The elderly. The lonely.

193
00:09:32,535 --> 00:09:37,573
<font color="
a friendly face can mean a lot
to a lonely person.

194
00:09:37,575 --> 00:09:39,653
However brief.

195
00:09:39,655 --> 00:09:42,733
Don't forget you're taking me
to Ruby's party, Granny.

196
00:09:42,735 --> 00:09:45,893
All squash up, ladies,
Grandmama has been spending again.

197
00:09:45,895 --> 00:09:48,533
<font color="

198
00:09:48,535 --> 00:09:51,853
Make me sound about 90.
You are 90.

199
00:09:51,855 --> 00:09:54,173
CHUCKLES
I'm not 90!

200
00:09:54,175 --> 00:09:56,253
See what you've started now.

201
00:09:56,255 --> 00:09:57,573
Well, how old are you then?

202
00:09:57,575 --> 00:10:00,333
I'm 36. Are you, Granny? Is she?

203
00:10:00,335 --> 00:10:04,533
<font color="

204
00:10:04,535 --> 00:10:07,493
136! Have you heard her?

205
00:10:07,495 --> 00:10:10,013
You don't ask a lady how old she is.

206
00:10:10,015 --> 00:10:12,533
We wasn't. We was asking you.

207
00:10:12,535 --> 00:10:14,653
Oh, very funny.

208
00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:16,613
Wit dripping off her, that one.

209
00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:21,333
I'm 36, and your grandad's...38.

210
00:10:21,335 --> 00:10:23,293
<font color="

211
00:10:23,295 --> 00:10:25,093
It's just a nice age.

212
00:10:25,095 --> 00:10:27,133
They're talking bollocks.
Ignore 'em.

213
00:10:27,135 --> 00:10:29,053
Hey! Excuse me?!

214
00:10:29,055 --> 00:10:30,933
Why, what you done?

215
00:10:30,935 --> 00:10:32,693
How much do you get an hour?

216
00:10:32,695 --> 00:10:35,493
Er, £9.20, if I get anything.

217
00:10:35,495 --> 00:10:38,493
<font color="
an application

218
00:10:38,495 --> 00:10:42,693
and she's gone all funny with me
over it. Yeah, well,

219
00:10:42,695 --> 00:10:45,615
there you go, eh? Celia.

220
00:10:47,055 --> 00:10:48,733
You're looking pale.

221
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:49,895
Are you all right?

222
00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:52,933
I've got woodworm.

223
00:10:52,935 --> 00:10:55,653
Y..?
<font color="

224
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,813
But then when they've looked
properly, it's all over.

225
00:10:58,815 --> 00:11:01,415
We're riddled
with the little pillocks.

226
00:11:03,935 --> 00:11:05,295
D'you want some tea?

227
00:11:14,575 --> 00:11:16,853
5,786 quid.

228
00:11:16,855 --> 00:11:19,173
Worst part's the builder.

229
00:11:19,175 --> 00:11:22,253
Need to replace some timbers in the
<font color="
sooner.

230
00:11:22,255 --> 00:11:24,893
It's been staring me in the face
for God knows how long,

231
00:11:24,895 --> 00:11:27,055
but, you know, healthy neglect,
blind eye.

232
00:11:28,295 --> 00:11:31,413
They're not the cheapest,
before you ask,

233
00:11:31,415 --> 00:11:33,933
and they...they do guarantee
<font color="

234
00:11:33,935 --> 00:11:35,813
Well, I should hope so
at that price.

235
00:11:35,815 --> 00:11:38,093
No, I've had three different lots
in, and they all said same thing,

236
00:11:38,095 --> 00:11:40,053
needs doing, needs doing sharpish.

237
00:11:40,055 --> 00:11:43,453
Worst-case scenario, the roof
could give way at the far end.

238
00:11:43,455 --> 00:11:45,255
<font color="
sort of money?

239
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:50,693
OK. So, you know I borrowed
another 90 grand

240
00:11:50,695 --> 00:11:53,493
to buy them ten acres off Fred
Turner and expand the flock?

241
00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:57,253
And it will pay off. No two ways.
Wise move. Very.

242
00:11:57,255 --> 00:11:58,733
Best flock I've ever had,

243
00:11:58,735 --> 00:12:01,495
<font color="
when time comes, but...

244
00:12:02,815 --> 00:12:03,975
..in the interim...

245
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:08,453
..no, I don't have that sort of
money, so...

246
00:12:08,455 --> 00:12:14,333
It's just... It's this new kitchen
she's having, I'm paying half.

247
00:12:14,335 --> 00:12:16,053
We always go halves on stuff.

248
00:12:16,055 --> 00:12:18,893
<font color="

249
00:12:18,895 --> 00:12:20,333
It's hand-crafted.

250
00:12:20,335 --> 00:12:23,493
And she's spent another arm
and another leg this aft,

251
00:12:23,495 --> 00:12:26,573
kitting out guest
room for our Ted. Right.

252
00:12:26,575 --> 00:12:29,453
And it won't stop there.
You can bet your bottom dollar

253
00:12:29,455 --> 00:12:32,853
<font color="
she'll decide it needs a new carpet.

254
00:12:32,855 --> 00:12:34,455
No, it's...

255
00:12:39,535 --> 00:12:41,693
Let me see what I can do.

256
00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:43,893
I could ask to borrow more
from the bank.

257
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:47,013
It's just I'm stretched with the
repayments every month as it is,
and...

258
00:12:47,015 --> 00:12:49,653
<font color="
Why does she need a new kitchen?

259
00:12:49,655 --> 00:12:51,093
You've got a perfectly good kitchen.

260
00:12:51,095 --> 00:12:53,453
I mean you've already spent God
knows how much on the damned place.

261
00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:54,495
Mm. Mm.

262
00:12:56,055 --> 00:12:59,173
And why do you need three bedrooms?
What does she do in 'em all?

263
00:12:59,175 --> 00:13:03,013
<font color="
a bungalow up there,

264
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:05,533
and they don't come up for sale
so often, so...

265
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,173
Look, you know all this. Mm.

266
00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:11,773
Suppose one bedroom will be
justifying its existence for five
minutes

267
00:13:11,775 --> 00:13:13,655
<font color="

268
00:13:15,015 --> 00:13:16,375
Well, you know.

269
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:20,373
You don't need a new kitchen.

270
00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:23,335
I don't need a new kitchen,
certainly.

271
00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:27,255
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't...

272
00:13:28,455 --> 00:13:31,095
SHE SIGHS

273
00:13:32,935 --> 00:13:35,933
Ellie will be finishing work soon,
and with Raff still training,

274
00:13:35,935 --> 00:13:39,093
<font color="
any more than they're doing already.

275
00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:41,415
No. I'll talk to her.

276
00:13:47,015 --> 00:13:48,893
So what did you say was up with Ted?

277
00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:51,093
Well, nothing that we know of.

278
00:13:51,095 --> 00:13:54,735
It's just him coming
at such short notice.

279
00:13:56,175 --> 00:13:59,055
Made me wonder. Mm.

280
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:24,733
<font color="

281
00:14:24,735 --> 00:14:25,855
If you're lucky.

282
00:14:30,215 --> 00:14:31,255
Ooh!

283
00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:35,813
Good evening, Mrs Greenwood.

284
00:14:35,815 --> 00:14:37,375
Good evening, Mr Greenwood.

285
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:39,975
Been waiting long? No.

286
00:14:42,655 --> 00:14:44,933
How were the little tossers today?

287
00:14:44,935 --> 00:14:48,093
Oh, Joe Thompson told me
to eff off again.

288
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,133
<font color="

289
00:14:49,135 --> 00:14:50,253
Sophisticated.

290
00:14:50,255 --> 00:14:53,293
Mm. So he's in isolation again.

291
00:14:53,295 --> 00:14:56,453
That took up most of lesson one,
obviously,

292
00:14:56,455 --> 00:14:59,333
cos he wasn't gonna go
without some stand-up comedy.

293
00:14:59,335 --> 00:15:02,213
And then second period
started quite well.

294
00:15:02,215 --> 00:15:05,213
<font color="
scribbled on the whiteboard,

295
00:15:05,215 --> 00:15:07,773
then, half a second later,

296
00:15:07,775 --> 00:15:11,013
we're into four warnings
and two confiscated phones.

297
00:15:11,015 --> 00:15:12,693
Cracking.

298
00:15:12,695 --> 00:15:15,933
I were always getting
me phone confiscated.

299
00:15:15,935 --> 00:15:19,373
Then at dinner... Don't say it
<font color="

300
00:15:19,375 --> 00:15:22,453
Do you want me to go
and stand outside?

301
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:27,413
Then at break, a load of Year
Elevens from Sedgley's decided to
start a war

302
00:15:27,415 --> 00:15:30,773
with some of our Year Elevens,
so we had police in.

303
00:15:30,775 --> 00:15:33,655
<font color="
trying to split 'em all up.

304
00:15:35,255 --> 00:15:36,693
I told you it'd get easier.

305
00:15:36,695 --> 00:15:40,013
I should have gone in for teaching
infants. I could have coped with
them.

306
00:15:40,015 --> 00:15:43,413
Oh, don't lose faith, lad,
I think you're doing very well.

307
00:15:43,415 --> 00:15:47,293
<font color="
that placement at Caroline's school,

308
00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:49,453
but, oh, this place!

309
00:15:49,455 --> 00:15:53,295
I mean, I like a challenge,
but bloody hell...

310
00:15:54,735 --> 00:15:57,973
I should take Gary up on that
offer to train to be an accountant.

311
00:15:57,975 --> 00:15:59,213
Yeah, you should.

312
00:15:59,215 --> 00:16:00,573
<font color="

313
00:16:00,575 --> 00:16:01,853
Ring Caroline.

314
00:16:01,855 --> 00:16:03,613
She said if you were struggling...

315
00:16:03,615 --> 00:16:06,613
I'm not. I'm not struggling.
I'm just...

316
00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:11,053
Oh, home time,
I spent an hour consoling Leah.

317
00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:15,853
This is this other trainee, this
lass, she were in tears and they
<font color="

318
00:16:15,855 --> 00:16:19,173
At Caroline's, all the other staff
were really helpful.

319
00:16:19,175 --> 00:16:21,573
I mean, it's one thing
the kids being shitty,

320
00:16:21,575 --> 00:16:24,813
you expect that,
but when the staff are as well...

321
00:16:24,815 --> 00:16:26,293
Yeah, but why are they like that?

322
00:16:26,295 --> 00:16:28,973
Oh, because they had
<font color="

323
00:16:28,975 --> 00:16:30,453
so you're gonna have a shit time -

324
00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:32,333
I think they think it's
character building.

325
00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:33,853
Well, 'appen it is.

326
00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:38,453
And you'll not be at that school
forever and I'm very proud of you,

327
00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:39,573
for what it's worth.

328
00:16:39,575 --> 00:16:44,573
<font color="
off. Once more into the fray.

329
00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:48,093
You can stop and have your tea
if you want, we're not chucking you
out.

330
00:16:48,095 --> 00:16:51,455
Oh, no, I'll...
I'll only end up in more bother.

331
00:16:54,015 --> 00:16:56,333
You'll get a damned sight
<font color="

332
00:16:56,335 --> 00:16:58,933
training young people
to think for themselves

333
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:01,413
than number crunching for yond.

334
00:17:01,415 --> 00:17:03,293
You think? I'll be seeing you.

335
00:17:03,295 --> 00:17:04,893
Bye, Grando. Ta-ra.

336
00:17:04,895 --> 00:17:08,093
GILLIAN LAUGHS

337
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:11,333
No way are they offering him
<font color="

338
00:17:11,335 --> 00:17:13,013
No, we would!

339
00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:14,773
We will. They do.

340
00:17:14,775 --> 00:17:16,293
He's 82. We have one old lad,

341
00:17:16,295 --> 00:17:18,653
Bill Robertshaw, and he's 85.

342
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:22,573
Old fella in the Stevenage branch,
he went on till 95.

343
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,173
Exploitation!

344
00:17:24,175 --> 00:17:27,253
Through choice.
<font color="

345
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,573
They'll... We'll take a view.

346
00:17:29,575 --> 00:17:32,493
What did he mean,
"once more into the fray"?

347
00:17:32,495 --> 00:17:34,773
Great-gran's been spending again.

348
00:17:34,775 --> 00:17:37,453
Oh, she's not been running rings
around him again, has she?

349
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:39,655
It happens. Marriage.
<font color="

350
00:17:40,975 --> 00:17:44,853
Not you two. Obviously.
That's... Not you two.

351
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:48,613
Put your foot in it there, Gran.
You can pipe down, lady.

352
00:17:48,615 --> 00:17:51,895
Big time. Right down to... Zip.

353
00:18:00,695 --> 00:18:01,735
Bye.

354
00:18:09,095 --> 00:18:11,775
DOG BARKS

355
00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:16,373
<font color="

356
00:18:16,375 --> 00:18:19,495
Oh, you don't like dogs, do you?
I'd forgotten.

357
00:18:23,815 --> 00:18:25,215
Come on, in.

358
00:18:27,335 --> 00:18:29,773
Can you make it go away?

359
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,773
Settle down, Ruth.

360
00:18:31,775 --> 00:18:32,853
Ruth?!

361
00:18:32,855 --> 00:18:34,413
Yeah, well, it's Flora's idea.

362
00:18:34,415 --> 00:18:38,653
After Ruth ben Reuben
<font color="

363
00:18:38,655 --> 00:18:40,053
Away, away! She's besotted.

364
00:18:40,055 --> 00:18:41,455
Ruth, settle down.

365
00:18:44,855 --> 00:18:46,175
She must like you.

366
00:18:47,935 --> 00:18:49,413
You're looking very well.

367
00:18:49,415 --> 00:18:52,693
Well, it's odd, life -
the places it takes you.

368
00:18:52,695 --> 00:18:55,573
If someone had told me five or six
<font color="

369
00:18:55,575 --> 00:18:59,413
a single parent to a five-year-old
who isn't biologically mine,

370
00:18:59,415 --> 00:19:02,413
living in an old farmhouse
in West Yorkshire,

371
00:19:02,415 --> 00:19:05,533
head of what was, and still is,
a very difficult school,

372
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:08,413
well, I don't know
<font color="

373
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:10,893
But if they'd told me on
top of all that

374
00:19:10,895 --> 00:19:13,615
that I was the happiest
I'd ever been...

375
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:17,413
..I don't know,
I'm not sure I'd have believed them.

376
00:19:17,415 --> 00:19:20,333
Are you...seeing anyone?

377
00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:23,133
<font color="
wouldn't tell me if you were.

378
00:19:23,135 --> 00:19:25,413
I've got nothing to hide.
Tell me about Lawrence.

379
00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,975
Oh, well...

380
00:19:28,055 --> 00:19:30,253
..he's still weighing up
his options.

381
00:19:30,255 --> 00:19:31,933
Still doing nothing all day.

382
00:19:31,935 --> 00:19:34,093
<font color="
to do nothing all day.

383
00:19:34,095 --> 00:19:35,853
You and Judith.

384
00:19:35,855 --> 00:19:38,735
He's... Yes, it's difficult.

385
00:19:42,775 --> 00:19:45,333
Do you still see much
of what's-his-name?

386
00:19:45,335 --> 00:19:47,333
The father, Flora's father.

387
00:19:47,335 --> 00:19:48,973
Oh, Greg. Yes. Greg.

388
00:19:48,975 --> 00:19:51,693
<font color="
He has her every other weekend.

389
00:19:51,695 --> 00:19:54,373
Well, it doesn't always work out
like that, but he's very good,

390
00:19:54,375 --> 00:19:56,693
and she's very fond of him
and...and so am I.

391
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,733
You were telling me about Lawrence.

392
00:19:58,735 --> 00:20:02,333
Still not signed on,
<font color="

393
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,213
still not going back to college.

394
00:20:04,215 --> 00:20:06,893
You know, it's all well and good you
saying that we enable him...

395
00:20:06,895 --> 00:20:09,733
Well, you do. She enables you too.
She's made so much money

396
00:20:09,735 --> 00:20:12,253
that you can afford to
sit around all day doing nothing,

397
00:20:12,255 --> 00:20:14,253
<font color="
either of you any favours.

398
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:15,895
Let's not fight.

399
00:20:18,775 --> 00:20:20,253
Gillian keeps her dog outside.

400
00:20:20,255 --> 00:20:21,653
So why are you here?

401
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:24,973
Ah, well...
If not to talk about Lawrence?

402
00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:27,293
It's Judith. She's coming to your
school next week.

403
00:20:27,295 --> 00:20:28,973
<font color="

404
00:20:28,975 --> 00:20:33,693
Yes, she's one of
my inspirational women, ironically.

405
00:20:33,695 --> 00:20:35,413
Anyway, there you go.

406
00:20:35,415 --> 00:20:38,373
Michelle Obama, Baroness Chakrabarti
and now Judith.

407
00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:40,255
I know, but...

408
00:20:41,535 --> 00:20:44,493
..have to hand it to her -
her books are extraordinary.

409
00:20:44,495 --> 00:20:47,933
<font color="
a shred of her success.

410
00:20:47,935 --> 00:20:50,773
When I see a child who we all
thought would never become a reader,

411
00:20:50,775 --> 00:20:54,535
pick up a book through choice
and become entirely engrossed.

412
00:20:56,895 --> 00:20:59,213
Yes, she's certainly made an impact.

413
00:20:59,215 --> 00:21:00,893
Yeah, but it's across the board.

414
00:21:00,895 --> 00:21:04,573
<font color="
her, the ones who love reading love
her.

415
00:21:04,575 --> 00:21:06,933
Right the way from Year Seven
up to the Sixth Form.

416
00:21:06,935 --> 00:21:10,815
I mean, I realise she's probably
not the easiest person to live with.

417
00:21:12,775 --> 00:21:14,093
Sorry.

418
00:21:14,095 --> 00:21:16,293
<font color="
if she's on form.

419
00:21:16,295 --> 00:21:19,093
If she's on form,
she'll be excellent.

420
00:21:19,095 --> 00:21:20,455
It's just...

421
00:21:21,895 --> 00:21:23,535
..if she isn't.

422
00:21:25,215 --> 00:21:27,775
This is why I thought
I ought to talk to you. She's, um...

423
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:32,453
..lapsed once or twice recently and
<font color="

424
00:21:32,455 --> 00:21:34,773
to pull out of a few weeks ago.

425
00:21:34,775 --> 00:21:37,373
And, well, not to put too
fine a point on it,

426
00:21:37,375 --> 00:21:40,013
the organisers struggled
to avert a bloodbath,

427
00:21:40,015 --> 00:21:42,213
what with all the disappointed fans,

428
00:21:42,215 --> 00:21:45,413
so I just wanted to flag up that you
<font color="

429
00:21:45,415 --> 00:21:48,013
in the event of, um...
Really?

430
00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:50,253
It's bewildering, the effect
she has on people.

431
00:21:50,255 --> 00:21:51,773
Kids.

432
00:21:51,775 --> 00:21:53,373
Well, not just kids always.

433
00:21:53,375 --> 00:21:55,855
It's like she's become some
kind of...

434
00:21:56,935 --> 00:21:59,053
<font color="

435
00:21:59,055 --> 00:22:01,853
The students can't believe
she's coming.

436
00:22:01,855 --> 00:22:04,055
Certainly they'd be
very disappointed if, um...

437
00:22:05,335 --> 00:22:06,373
Oh, dear.

438
00:22:06,375 --> 00:22:08,653
The publisher's appointed a little PA

439
00:22:08,655 --> 00:22:12,133
to try and avert the same thing
<font color="

440
00:22:12,135 --> 00:22:13,893
I don't think that's
how they sold it to her.

441
00:22:13,895 --> 00:22:16,653
They said they thought she needed
someone to help with the day-to-day,

442
00:22:16,655 --> 00:22:18,493
so she could concentrate
on her writing.

443
00:22:18,495 --> 00:22:20,573
But, yeah.

444
00:22:20,575 --> 00:22:22,173
So she turned up last week

445
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:26,895
<font color="
permanent fixture about the house.

446
00:22:28,535 --> 00:22:29,735
Odd little woman.

447
00:22:30,815 --> 00:22:35,413
But, yeah, so hopefully, hopefully,
you won't have a problem, but as
I say...

448
00:22:35,415 --> 00:22:38,773
DOG WHINES
..just wanted to flag it up.

449
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:43,453
How's Celia...and Alan?

450
00:22:43,455 --> 00:22:47,213
<font color="
Ripponden eight or nine months ago.

451
00:22:47,215 --> 00:22:50,933
Lawrence must have told you.
It's...it's very nice.

452
00:22:50,935 --> 00:22:54,213
But, um, I don't know.
I mean, seven years on.

453
00:22:54,215 --> 00:22:57,093
I mean, he's so sweet, Alan,
he's so kind,

454
00:22:57,095 --> 00:23:00,413
<font color="
I mean, she runs rings round him.

455
00:23:00,415 --> 00:23:02,893
And I do sometimes wonder

456
00:23:02,895 --> 00:23:08,213
if just occasionally he might, well,
not rue the day he met her exactly,

457
00:23:08,215 --> 00:23:11,053
but something a bit like that.
No.

458
00:23:11,055 --> 00:23:13,975
No, I don't believe that.
<font color="

459
00:23:16,655 --> 00:23:19,773
Did you ever finish that novel
you were writing about all of us?

460
00:23:19,775 --> 00:23:21,133
It wasn't about...

461
00:23:21,135 --> 00:23:23,253
Yes, it was. It was.

462
00:23:23,255 --> 00:23:25,455
No. No, I didn't.

463
00:23:26,935 --> 00:23:30,133
I sometimes think if Romeo and
Juliet hadn't died when they did,

464
00:23:30,135 --> 00:23:32,253
<font color="
eventually.

465
00:23:32,255 --> 00:23:34,653
Maybe I should dig it up again.

466
00:23:34,655 --> 00:23:37,655
Probably when the kids became
teenagers and started damaging the
house.

467
00:23:38,735 --> 00:23:41,853
You don't sound very enthusiastic.
Is the muse not with you?

468
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:44,615
<font color="
a while since.

469
00:23:45,935 --> 00:23:50,213
What is the muse? Inspiration?
Where does it come from?

470
00:23:50,215 --> 00:23:51,773
Love.

471
00:23:51,775 --> 00:23:53,455
Being in love.

472
00:23:54,775 --> 00:23:56,295
That thing that makes you feel...

473
00:23:58,615 --> 00:24:00,135
..alive.

474
00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:11,695
Thank you.

475
00:24:13,775 --> 00:24:15,855
Bye. Good night.

476
00:24:17,535 --> 00:24:19,895
<font color="

477
00:24:23,775 --> 00:24:25,135
I'm back!

478
00:24:30,895 --> 00:24:33,733
Said I wouldn't be late.
Everything all right?

479
00:24:33,735 --> 00:24:36,535
How was she, the old love?

480
00:24:37,535 --> 00:24:39,693
She's got a dog.
You didn't tell me she had a dog.

481
00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:40,893
She'll be keeping sheep next.

482
00:24:40,895 --> 00:24:42,493
I forgot.

483
00:24:42,495 --> 00:24:43,733
<font color="

484
00:24:43,735 --> 00:24:47,733
You watch, she'll be making her own
cheeses before we know what's going
on.

485
00:24:47,735 --> 00:24:49,093
She should team up with Gillian,

486
00:24:49,095 --> 00:24:51,615
they could enter their cheeses
at the village fête.

487
00:24:53,175 --> 00:24:55,253
What have you been doing
with yourself all day?

488
00:24:55,255 --> 00:24:57,093
<font color="

489
00:24:57,095 --> 00:24:58,853
No, don't thank me.

490
00:24:58,855 --> 00:25:00,293
Not you. Him.

491
00:25:00,295 --> 00:25:02,093
Angus came round.

492
00:25:02,095 --> 00:25:03,853
Just for a change.

493
00:25:03,855 --> 00:25:06,413
You didn't apply for any jobs, then,
or anything radical?

494
00:25:06,415 --> 00:25:10,253
Oh, don't you just hate that tone?
We are working on something.

495
00:25:10,255 --> 00:25:12,413
<font color="
What does that mean?

496
00:25:12,415 --> 00:25:16,933
He used to do that. That shitty
passive-aggressive thing.

497
00:25:16,935 --> 00:25:18,933
Me and Angus...
He was a prick as well.

498
00:25:18,935 --> 00:25:21,295
..we're working on something,
we have been for a while.

499
00:25:22,615 --> 00:25:23,655
Paid?

500
00:25:25,175 --> 00:25:27,173
<font color="

501
00:25:27,175 --> 00:25:28,413
Oh.

502
00:25:28,415 --> 00:25:31,373
Good. Good.
You'll have to tell me about it.

503
00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:33,893
Oh, and don't forget it's your
mother's birthday on Friday.

504
00:25:33,895 --> 00:25:38,373
Lawrence! She's doing a meal over
at Gillian's if you want to go,

505
00:25:38,375 --> 00:25:40,375
<font color="

506
00:25:45,495 --> 00:25:48,495
I can put that in the family diary
for you, if you'd like.

507
00:25:49,735 --> 00:25:51,173
Your ex-wife's birthday.

508
00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:53,455
Right. Thank you.

509
00:25:54,615 --> 00:25:56,415
It's Caroline, isn't it?

510
00:25:57,815 --> 00:25:58,973
Caroline, yes.

511
00:25:58,975 --> 00:26:01,733
I'm looking to get rid of the
wine rack.

512
00:26:01,735 --> 00:26:04,933
<font color="
having a partner who drinks.

513
00:26:04,935 --> 00:26:06,575
I know you'll have thought
about that.

514
00:26:14,015 --> 00:26:17,093
Oh, and old Uncle What's-his-name's
coming over from New Zealand.

515
00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:18,173
Alan's brother.

516
00:26:18,175 --> 00:26:22,013
And, oh, my God, Alan has applied
<font color="

517
00:26:22,015 --> 00:26:23,775
to get away from Celia.

518
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:30,853
I must go back to that grown-up
novel I was writing years ago about
your family.

519
00:26:30,855 --> 00:26:33,175
Mm, for sure.

520
00:26:34,615 --> 00:26:36,015
Did you hear what I said?

521
00:26:55,175 --> 00:26:57,333
Morning. Hey.

522
00:26:57,335 --> 00:26:59,775
<font color="

523
00:27:19,295 --> 00:27:21,095
Hm.

524
00:27:41,975 --> 00:27:44,455
PHONE RINGS

525
00:27:50,055 --> 00:27:51,335
Hello?

526
00:27:52,575 --> 00:27:54,613
Oh. Hello, Martin.

527
00:27:54,615 --> 00:27:56,013
It's Martin.

528
00:27:56,015 --> 00:27:58,693
Who? From Bespoke Valley Kitchens.

529
00:27:58,695 --> 00:28:01,173
I'm gonna have to get off,
I don't want to be late.

530
00:28:01,175 --> 00:28:04,613
<font color="
two conversations. Hang on.

531
00:28:04,615 --> 00:28:06,535
Go on, Martin.

532
00:28:08,375 --> 00:28:13,133
Oh, that's wonderful,
I'll put it on the calendar.

533
00:28:13,135 --> 00:28:15,733
He can start next Wednesday.
I'm going to be late.

534
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:18,533
OK. Well, wish me luck!

535
00:28:18,535 --> 00:28:22,055
<font color="
It's not as if we need the money.

536
00:28:23,415 --> 00:28:24,973
Right, da-da.

537
00:28:24,975 --> 00:28:26,535
Oh. Yes?

538
00:28:27,535 --> 00:28:30,813
Oh, yes, yes, I'll be organised. Mm.

539
00:28:30,815 --> 00:28:35,533
No, if we're without a cooker for a
couple of days, that's no hardship.

540
00:28:35,535 --> 00:28:38,173
We'll go to my daughter's in Hebden.

541
00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:40,933
<font color="

542
00:28:40,935 --> 00:28:43,095
Had Michelle Obama there last year.

543
00:29:07,975 --> 00:29:10,575
Morning. Morning!

544
00:29:11,935 --> 00:29:13,655
Morning. Morning.

545
00:29:16,575 --> 00:29:17,975
Stop that little twat!

546
00:29:26,255 --> 00:29:27,973
Hey, steady on, lad.

547
00:29:27,975 --> 00:29:29,813
Little sod.
Argh! He's breaking me arms.

548
00:29:29,815 --> 00:29:31,733
<font color="
I haven't done owt.

549
00:29:31,735 --> 00:29:34,893
You've been thieving again,
Harrison. No, I have not. Get off!

550
00:29:34,895 --> 00:29:37,973
Stop wriggling.
He's interfering with me. Help!

551
00:29:37,975 --> 00:29:40,493
Inappropriate touching. Help.
Paedo alert. Help!

552
00:29:40,495 --> 00:29:42,653
<font color="

553
00:29:42,655 --> 00:29:44,893
I've paid for all these items.
No, you haven't!

554
00:29:44,895 --> 00:29:46,933
I've been watching you.
I can show you me receipt.

555
00:29:46,935 --> 00:29:50,013
Really? I put it in that bin
over there. No, you didn't!

556
00:29:50,015 --> 00:29:52,813
<font color="
out for you. Let you go?

557
00:29:52,815 --> 00:29:54,173
Do I look stupid?

558
00:29:54,175 --> 00:29:56,933
You do a bit, if I'm being honest.
Are you all right, sir?

559
00:29:56,935 --> 00:30:02,493
Er, yeah, I've got an interview
for a job with a Mr Awad.

560
00:30:02,495 --> 00:30:04,413
I'll take you up.
<font color="

561
00:30:04,415 --> 00:30:06,173
with this little tea leaf. Argh!

562
00:30:06,175 --> 00:30:08,013
I'll have to get my tetanus now!

563
00:30:08,015 --> 00:30:11,055
You bite me, you little sod,
and I'll bite you back - harder!

564
00:30:20,015 --> 00:30:21,693
Which school do you go to?

565
00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:23,413
St Bart's up Holywell Green.

566
00:30:23,415 --> 00:30:24,933
<font color="

567
00:30:24,935 --> 00:30:28,013
Isn't that a private school?
That's right.

568
00:30:28,015 --> 00:30:31,293
Who pays for you to go there?
My father.

569
00:30:31,295 --> 00:30:33,333
Every word is a lie.

570
00:30:33,335 --> 00:30:35,933
He drives me there in his Maserati
and he lives in Dubai.

571
00:30:35,935 --> 00:30:39,453
<font color="
He's not always here.

572
00:30:39,455 --> 00:30:42,933
Once he dropped me off in his
Chinook. That caused a furore.

573
00:30:42,935 --> 00:30:44,655
Did it?

574
00:30:46,295 --> 00:30:48,095
This fella's just jealous.

575
00:30:50,415 --> 00:30:52,293
Hey, hey don't do that.

576
00:30:52,295 --> 00:30:56,293
Gives a poor impression. And your
<font color="

577
00:30:56,295 --> 00:30:58,453
Thanks a lot. See you later.
Thank you. Bye-bye.

578
00:30:58,455 --> 00:30:59,733
Right, who's next?

579
00:30:59,735 --> 00:31:02,533
Oh. Hello. In you come.

580
00:31:02,535 --> 00:31:04,053
All of you.

581
00:31:04,055 --> 00:31:05,415
Er, I'm... In!

582
00:31:07,855 --> 00:31:12,093
Always the same faces, isn't it?
<font color="

583
00:31:12,095 --> 00:31:15,853
I'm not actually with these.
I've come about a job.

584
00:31:15,855 --> 00:31:17,495
I've got an interview with you.

585
00:31:18,815 --> 00:31:21,293
Well, I did have at quarter to ten.

586
00:31:21,295 --> 00:31:24,573
Oh, Mr Buttershaw?
Ellie's grandad. Hello.

587
00:31:24,575 --> 00:31:26,773
And I was here. I wasn't late.

588
00:31:26,775 --> 00:31:29,293
<font color="

589
00:31:29,295 --> 00:31:31,295
Altercation. Bit of a tussle.

590
00:31:32,895 --> 00:31:35,815
How's the wife, Mr Awad?
Still struggling with her weight?

591
00:31:37,255 --> 00:31:39,855
Me and Harrison go back a few months.

592
00:31:44,815 --> 00:31:46,693
So, when will you know anything?

593
00:31:46,695 --> 00:31:50,733
Oh, I don't know. He seemed
<font color="

594
00:31:50,735 --> 00:31:52,933
Story of my life with you, this.

595
00:31:52,935 --> 00:31:56,693
I come up with a fabulous new idea
to earn a few quid,

596
00:31:56,695 --> 00:31:58,693
and you wangle it your way.

597
00:31:58,695 --> 00:32:00,853
Did you fill the form in properly?
Yes.

598
00:32:00,855 --> 00:32:02,055
And did you press send?

599
00:32:06,015 --> 00:32:08,293
<font color="
so complicated?

600
00:32:08,295 --> 00:32:11,453
Anyway, yeah, I was telling
you about this kiddy.

601
00:32:11,455 --> 00:32:15,933
So I drove him home
and I paid for what he'd pilfered.

602
00:32:15,935 --> 00:32:18,613
And I shan't tell Celia any of this.

603
00:32:18,615 --> 00:32:21,093
I drove him home...
<font color="

604
00:32:21,095 --> 00:32:23,093
He could have mugged you.

605
00:32:23,095 --> 00:32:25,933
No, no, no, he were
a puny little thing.

606
00:32:25,935 --> 00:32:28,013
And he wasn't malicious.

607
00:32:28,015 --> 00:32:30,455
He was hungry, you could see.

608
00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:33,893
Only I shan't tell her
because she'd go mad with me

609
00:32:33,895 --> 00:32:36,533
for letting him sit in t'Lexus.
<font color="

610
00:32:36,535 --> 00:32:39,213
Not malicious?
You said he bit t'other fella.

611
00:32:39,215 --> 00:32:42,133
Well, yes, he did, but, er...

612
00:32:42,135 --> 00:32:46,453
Well, he was cornered, wasn't he?
And he'd...

613
00:32:46,455 --> 00:32:47,933
What?

614
00:32:47,935 --> 00:32:49,493
He'd stolen a meal.

615
00:32:49,495 --> 00:32:51,333
A square meal.

616
00:32:51,335 --> 00:32:53,253
That's what upset me.

617
00:32:53,255 --> 00:32:57,053
<font color="
have to forage for his tea.

618
00:32:57,055 --> 00:33:00,613
I mean, I know you hear about
stuff on the news.

619
00:33:00,615 --> 00:33:02,215
Folks living in poverty, but...

620
00:33:03,655 --> 00:33:05,575
..it's not every day...

621
00:33:07,255 --> 00:33:09,293
..you come face-to-face with it.

622
00:33:09,295 --> 00:33:13,173
Well, did they not call t'police?
<font color="

623
00:33:13,175 --> 00:33:14,973
Police aren't interested.

624
00:33:14,975 --> 00:33:16,813
They've got enough on.

625
00:33:16,815 --> 00:33:19,453
Social services, I don't know,
I assume they're the same.

626
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:23,333
Understaffed, underfunded,
struggling to get on top of it all,

627
00:33:23,335 --> 00:33:25,533
so I offered to bail him out.

628
00:33:25,535 --> 00:33:28,053
<font color="

629
00:33:28,055 --> 00:33:30,053
So you drove him home...

630
00:33:30,055 --> 00:33:32,055
Well, I tried to, yeah.

631
00:33:33,015 --> 00:33:35,053
To have a word with his parents.

632
00:33:35,055 --> 00:33:36,453
That was the idea.

633
00:33:36,455 --> 00:33:38,173
Are you a millionaire, then, Alan?

634
00:33:38,175 --> 00:33:39,695
Oh, I wish!

635
00:33:40,855 --> 00:33:43,133
No, actually, d'you know, Harrison,
I don't.

636
00:33:43,135 --> 00:33:45,293
<font color="

637
00:33:45,295 --> 00:33:47,295
I'm just comfortable.

638
00:33:50,415 --> 00:33:52,493
Is Harrison your real name?

639
00:33:52,495 --> 00:33:56,333
This car must be worth a bit.
Well, it was when we got it.

640
00:33:56,335 --> 00:34:00,973
I think if we traded it in now, we'd
be lucky to get owt much for it.

641
00:34:00,975 --> 00:34:04,453
No, your high-performance car
<font color="

642
00:34:04,455 --> 00:34:07,733
He had a very impressive vocabulary,

643
00:34:07,735 --> 00:34:11,493
for somebody ingrained
so comprehensively in muck.

644
00:34:11,495 --> 00:34:13,493
Hey, I asked you a question.

645
00:34:13,495 --> 00:34:15,253
Me name?

646
00:34:15,255 --> 00:34:17,333
Mm. Well...

647
00:34:17,335 --> 00:34:18,975
..it's as real as any other.

648
00:34:20,015 --> 00:34:23,335
I answer to it,
<font color="

649
00:34:24,735 --> 00:34:27,413
It's been a delight talking to yer.
Which house is it?

650
00:34:27,415 --> 00:34:28,855
It's that one over there.

651
00:34:29,935 --> 00:34:31,813
Come on, then.

652
00:34:31,815 --> 00:34:35,573
What y'gonna to say to 'em?
Well, jus...just that, er,

653
00:34:35,575 --> 00:34:38,413
I'm gonna explain
you got caught pilfering.

654
00:34:38,415 --> 00:34:42,293
<font color="
a few tentative suggestions.

655
00:34:42,295 --> 00:34:43,935
What's "tentative"?

656
00:34:44,975 --> 00:34:46,773
Are... Gentle,

657
00:34:46,775 --> 00:34:50,213
with overtones of well-intentioned.

658
00:34:50,215 --> 00:34:51,893
I like words.

659
00:34:51,895 --> 00:34:53,053
I've noticed.

660
00:34:53,055 --> 00:34:55,295
I collect 'em.
They don't cost owt.

661
00:35:04,375 --> 00:35:05,735
Hey!

662
00:35:09,055 --> 00:35:12,733
<font color="
HE SIGHS

663
00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:14,853
No. Elderly couple.
Knew nowt about him.

664
00:35:14,855 --> 00:35:17,413
Ah. You're well shot of him
by t'sound o' things.

665
00:35:17,415 --> 00:35:21,293
You're dozy,
letting him get in your car.

666
00:35:21,295 --> 00:35:22,733
He could accuse you of all sorts.

667
00:35:22,735 --> 00:35:25,533
<font color="

668
00:35:25,535 --> 00:35:27,375
He were just...

669
00:35:28,615 --> 00:35:30,093
..a little motormouth.

670
00:35:30,095 --> 00:35:31,975
He was actually quite entertaining.

671
00:35:35,495 --> 00:35:40,013
Do you remember Frank Dodsworth?

672
00:35:40,015 --> 00:35:41,693
When we were kids.

673
00:35:41,695 --> 00:35:43,653
Lived down t'back of Melway Street.

674
00:35:43,655 --> 00:35:46,573
Is... Oh, God, aye.

675
00:35:46,575 --> 00:35:48,773
<font color="

676
00:35:48,775 --> 00:35:50,013
Reminded me of him.

677
00:35:50,015 --> 00:35:51,935
Hm. Way he looked.

678
00:35:54,255 --> 00:35:55,893
He were a poor specimen, wasn't he?

679
00:35:55,895 --> 00:35:57,773
Muck ingrained.

680
00:35:57,775 --> 00:36:00,253
D'you remember? Bad teeth.

681
00:36:00,255 --> 00:36:02,173
Stank like a poke o' monkeys.

682
00:36:02,175 --> 00:36:05,453
He once asked
<font color="

683
00:36:05,455 --> 00:36:08,415
Round at our house. I said no.

684
00:36:09,575 --> 00:36:11,213
We'd only be five.

685
00:36:11,215 --> 00:36:12,655
Six 'appen, I don't know.

686
00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:17,453
It's always bothered me.
I could have let him.

687
00:36:17,455 --> 00:36:19,495
It wouldn't have hurt, would it?

688
00:36:21,055 --> 00:36:23,695
Only I knew me mother'd not like it.

689
00:36:25,655 --> 00:36:28,333
<font color="
what happened to him.

690
00:36:28,335 --> 00:36:30,173
I've never heard owt about him.

691
00:36:30,175 --> 00:36:34,653
I don't think I ever saw him again
after we all went up to t'grammar
school.

692
00:36:34,655 --> 00:36:36,015
1948.

693
00:36:37,455 --> 00:36:39,933
I have wondered if, er...

694
00:36:39,935 --> 00:36:41,613
..if they knocked him about.

695
00:36:41,615 --> 00:36:42,975
<font color="

696
00:36:45,415 --> 00:36:47,335
He were a quiet lad.

697
00:36:49,015 --> 00:36:50,213
When's Ted coming?

698
00:36:50,215 --> 00:36:52,975
Fair took me back. Little kid.

699
00:36:55,415 --> 00:36:58,095
What? Oh, Saturday. Why?

700
00:36:59,215 --> 00:37:02,455
Just changing t'subject.

701
00:37:08,015 --> 00:37:11,695
An alcoholic? Well, issues
with alcohol. God.

702
00:37:13,935 --> 00:37:15,053
<font color="

703
00:37:15,055 --> 00:37:17,293
So... Well, for her, yeah.

704
00:37:17,295 --> 00:37:19,095
God, who'd have thought it?

705
00:37:20,095 --> 00:37:22,293
Well... Successful people -

706
00:37:22,295 --> 00:37:25,093
you just assume
they live in this perfect world

707
00:37:25,095 --> 00:37:28,573
and they do Pilates
and eat vegan and don't drink.

708
00:37:28,575 --> 00:37:29,893
<font color="

709
00:37:29,895 --> 00:37:34,293
Anyway, the point is, I've been
advised to come up with a B plan,

710
00:37:34,295 --> 00:37:35,975
just in case she's, um...

711
00:37:37,295 --> 00:37:40,295
B plan? I don't think there is
a B plan.

712
00:37:41,335 --> 00:37:44,253
If you've got Judith Tyzack coming
here and she turns up legless,

713
00:37:44,255 --> 00:37:45,933
<font color="

714
00:37:45,935 --> 00:37:49,173
Well, dwell on it,
give it some thought.

715
00:37:49,175 --> 00:37:51,053
Er, the other thing...

716
00:37:51,055 --> 00:37:52,453
The other thing?

717
00:37:52,455 --> 00:37:55,093
Would you like to do the QandA
instead of me?

718
00:37:55,095 --> 00:37:57,253
I'm not copping out,
I just think that,

719
00:37:57,255 --> 00:38:00,813
<font color="
and her characters better than I do.

720
00:38:00,815 --> 00:38:03,213
And, um... Well, if there an issue

721
00:38:03,215 --> 00:38:06,653
and we need to get her off stage,
I can always interrupt,

722
00:38:06,655 --> 00:38:11,013
I can always come up with some
random reason to interrupt things.

723
00:38:11,015 --> 00:38:13,655
Er... Are you serious?

724
00:38:14,975 --> 00:38:18,253
<font color="
I'm not dumping it on you,

725
00:38:18,255 --> 00:38:20,653
I just thought...
No. Oh, my God,

726
00:38:20,655 --> 00:38:25,053
I get to interview Judith Tyzack,
are you serious?

727
00:38:25,055 --> 00:38:26,733
Yeah.

728
00:38:26,735 --> 00:38:28,213
Yeah. That's the idea.

729
00:38:28,215 --> 00:38:30,813
Oh, my God, I love you, Caroline.

730
00:38:30,815 --> 00:38:32,573
<font color="

731
00:38:32,575 --> 00:38:35,893
I'm serious. I've said it before
and I'll say it again,

732
00:38:35,895 --> 00:38:38,413
what you've done for this school
is phenomenal,

733
00:38:38,415 --> 00:38:40,653
and I don't think you have any idea.

734
00:38:40,655 --> 00:38:41,973
No, I do.

735
00:38:41,975 --> 00:38:45,893
I used to fantasise about teaching
<font color="

736
00:38:45,895 --> 00:38:49,133
I...I used to fantasise
about having a sixth form.

737
00:38:49,135 --> 00:38:52,693
I didn't think it would happen,
not here.

738
00:38:52,695 --> 00:38:54,573
Now...

739
00:38:54,575 --> 00:38:58,293
..they're fighting to come here,
to study the fucking stuff!

740
00:38:58,295 --> 00:38:59,973
Well, their parents are.

741
00:38:59,975 --> 00:39:01,853
<font color="

742
00:39:01,855 --> 00:39:03,413
Not here.

743
00:39:03,415 --> 00:39:05,453
Sorry, I'm getting excited.

744
00:39:05,455 --> 00:39:09,253
I just wondered if you fancied going
through the questions together.

745
00:39:09,255 --> 00:39:10,893
Beforehand.

746
00:39:10,895 --> 00:39:13,613
If you wanted to come for dinner,
I could cook.

747
00:39:13,615 --> 00:39:14,893
I'd love that.

748
00:39:14,895 --> 00:39:17,653
<font color="

749
00:39:17,655 --> 00:39:19,413
..a little more relaxed at home,

750
00:39:19,415 --> 00:39:22,573
and such a high-profile visitor,
it's important to be well-prepped.

751
00:39:22,575 --> 00:39:24,613
God. Course.

752
00:39:24,615 --> 00:39:27,013
I will faint if she speaks to me.

753
00:39:27,015 --> 00:39:30,173
No, you won't.
No, I will.

754
00:39:30,175 --> 00:39:33,613
<font color="
mad and embarrassing.

755
00:39:33,615 --> 00:39:35,815
I'll shit myself, or something.

756
00:39:37,255 --> 00:39:39,333
Well, perhaps I should
ask someone else.

757
00:39:39,335 --> 00:39:40,573
No.

758
00:39:40,575 --> 00:39:42,773
No, no, no. No.

759
00:39:42,775 --> 00:39:44,935
No, no, no, no, no, no.

760
00:39:46,055 --> 00:39:47,655
How're things at home?

761
00:39:48,815 --> 00:39:51,133
<font color="

762
00:39:51,135 --> 00:39:52,295
Ah!

763
00:39:54,375 --> 00:39:56,493
What about the weekend? Saturday?

764
00:39:56,495 --> 00:39:58,933
I'm busy Friday, it's my birthday.

765
00:39:58,935 --> 00:40:01,693
Well, it's my joint birthday
with my step sister.

766
00:40:01,695 --> 00:40:05,373
We, er, take it in turns
to cook for the family, so...

767
00:40:05,375 --> 00:40:07,975
<font color="

768
00:40:09,215 --> 00:40:11,613
Yeah. Yeah, good.

769
00:40:11,615 --> 00:40:14,095
Oh, good.
PHONE BUZZES

770
00:40:15,255 --> 00:40:17,295
Your birthday. God, um...

771
00:40:19,895 --> 00:40:21,493
Hello! It's my mother.

772
00:40:21,495 --> 00:40:23,893
How did he get on? Hello?
Hi, Mum.

773
00:40:23,895 --> 00:40:25,453
Is that you? Yes, hello.

774
00:40:25,455 --> 00:40:27,253
<font color="
supermarket?

775
00:40:27,255 --> 00:40:29,453
He's applied for a job
at a supermarket.

776
00:40:29,455 --> 00:40:30,733
Caroline? Yes.

777
00:40:30,735 --> 00:40:31,933
He's 82.

778
00:40:31,935 --> 00:40:33,533
It's your mum. Yes, hello.

779
00:40:33,535 --> 00:40:35,813
I've just had New Zealand
<font color="

780
00:40:35,815 --> 00:40:37,413
Hm. Really?

781
00:40:37,415 --> 00:40:40,413
Nadine, Ted's daughter,
all in a flap.

782
00:40:40,415 --> 00:40:41,693
They didn't know where he was.

783
00:40:41,695 --> 00:40:43,013
I'd better go. What?

784
00:40:43,015 --> 00:40:46,253
Ted! They didn't even know
he'd got on an aeroplane.

785
00:40:46,255 --> 00:40:47,653
Blimey.

786
00:40:47,655 --> 00:40:50,375
<font color="

787
00:40:52,135 --> 00:40:53,373
How, is...?

788
00:40:53,375 --> 00:40:56,973
And I can't get hold of Alan,
cos he'll have switched his phone off

789
00:40:56,975 --> 00:41:00,133
for this interview, and it won't
occur to him to switch it on again.

790
00:41:00,135 --> 00:41:02,933
Oh, he's here, I'll have to go.

791
00:41:02,935 --> 00:41:07,493
Oh, hell's bells, he's brought
<font color="

792
00:41:07,495 --> 00:41:09,093
Oh. Oh, OK.

793
00:41:09,095 --> 00:41:12,173
Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

794
00:41:12,175 --> 00:41:13,575
Oh...

795
00:41:21,255 --> 00:41:23,093
Celia. There you go.

796
00:41:23,095 --> 00:41:24,135
Facing.

797
00:41:26,615 --> 00:41:28,935
There.

798
00:41:30,415 --> 00:41:31,775
Are your socks clean?

799
00:41:33,415 --> 00:41:35,253
I thought you were having a new
<font color="

800
00:41:35,255 --> 00:41:37,573
We are, it doesn't mean
I want this one mucked up.

801
00:41:37,575 --> 00:41:40,693
Harry's come to help me sort out
that shelving in the greenhouse.

802
00:41:40,695 --> 00:41:42,693
I thought we were getting
a proper fella in.

803
00:41:42,695 --> 00:41:45,173
Aren't you going to ask
how my interview went?

804
00:41:45,175 --> 00:41:48,333
<font color="

805
00:41:48,335 --> 00:41:50,535
I need to talk to you. In here.

806
00:41:51,535 --> 00:41:53,455
Oh, OK.

807
00:41:54,855 --> 00:41:58,013
I'm not exactly sure
I've got to the bottom of it,

808
00:41:58,015 --> 00:42:00,213
but I've had New Zealand
on the phone.

809
00:42:00,215 --> 00:42:02,613
They had no idea he'd gone.

810
00:42:02,615 --> 00:42:04,333
No idea he'd set off.

811
00:42:04,335 --> 00:42:07,173
<font color="
between him and the kids.

812
00:42:07,175 --> 00:42:09,213
Well, who have you spoken to?

813
00:42:09,215 --> 00:42:12,613
Nadine. She wanted you, obviously,
but you weren't here, so...

814
00:42:12,615 --> 00:42:14,533
What have they had a bust-up over?

815
00:42:14,535 --> 00:42:17,093
Money. What else?
But that isn't the point.

816
00:42:17,095 --> 00:42:18,773
<font color="

817
00:42:18,775 --> 00:42:23,415
But what she was most going on
about was that he, Ted...

818
00:42:24,455 --> 00:42:25,893
..has started with dementia.

819
00:42:25,895 --> 00:42:30,013
Hence, they think, him having made
some odd decisions lately.

820
00:42:30,015 --> 00:42:31,533
Like what?

821
00:42:31,535 --> 00:42:33,213
Well, she didn't enlarge.

822
00:42:33,215 --> 00:42:36,973
<font color="
on Green Lane.

823
00:42:36,975 --> 00:42:38,813
Has he been diagnosed?

824
00:42:38,815 --> 00:42:40,253
For 1.5 million!

825
00:42:40,255 --> 00:42:42,573
Well, she didn't say,
and I didn't ask.

826
00:42:42,575 --> 00:42:44,133
1.5 million?!

827
00:42:44,135 --> 00:42:46,853
But the point is, yeah,
she's worried about him.

828
00:42:46,855 --> 00:42:50,173
<font color="
getting here in one piece.

829
00:42:50,175 --> 00:42:53,613
As, apparently, he's got
a two-day stopover in Hong Kong

830
00:42:53,615 --> 00:42:55,413
and he often can't find
his sock drawer,

831
00:42:55,415 --> 00:42:57,533
let alone a connecting flight.

832
00:42:57,535 --> 00:43:00,773
How's he got 1.5 million
for that house?

833
00:43:00,775 --> 00:43:05,053
<font color="
it was in the middle of nowhere.

834
00:43:05,055 --> 00:43:08,493
Now it's very desirable
suburban Auckland.

835
00:43:08,495 --> 00:43:12,093
So the point is, she's worried
that he'll have landed in Hong Kong,

836
00:43:12,095 --> 00:43:15,333
wondering where he is,
and what the hell he's doing there.

837
00:43:15,335 --> 00:43:18,493
<font color="
how's he managed to organise

838
00:43:18,495 --> 00:43:20,173
a flight in the first place?

839
00:43:20,175 --> 00:43:21,613
His cleaning lady.

840
00:43:21,615 --> 00:43:23,893
She was the one that told Nadine
what was going on -

841
00:43:23,895 --> 00:43:24,973
they hadn't a clue.

842
00:43:24,975 --> 00:43:28,693
She helped him pack and get on
<font color="

843
00:43:28,695 --> 00:43:31,773
He paid her, this cleaning lady,
to get him get to the airport

844
00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:34,133
and not tell the family
until he was in the air.

845
00:43:34,135 --> 00:43:35,893
Well, have they rung the airline?

846
00:43:35,895 --> 00:43:37,733
Well, I think one of them
said they had,

847
00:43:37,735 --> 00:43:40,013
<font color="
they were any the wiser.

848
00:43:40,015 --> 00:43:41,653
When's he due in Hong Kong?

849
00:43:41,655 --> 00:43:44,773
The airline would know whether
he'd got on the flight, or not.

850
00:43:44,775 --> 00:43:46,733
I'm just telling you what I know.

851
00:43:46,735 --> 00:43:50,973
And he'll still have to
negotiate his way through Heathrow,

852
00:43:50,975 --> 00:43:53,333
<font color="
Mm.

853
00:43:53,335 --> 00:43:55,853
Even if he gets out of Hong Kong.

854
00:43:55,855 --> 00:43:58,413
Mm, that's a mine field.

855
00:43:58,415 --> 00:44:02,093
I've never walked so far in my life
as getting through Heathrow.

856
00:44:02,095 --> 00:44:05,973
I thought I'd walked to New Zealand
by the time we got on that plane.

857
00:44:05,975 --> 00:44:08,013
<font color="

858
00:44:08,015 --> 00:44:10,695
Oh, she said he wouldn't answer,
not to her.

859
00:44:12,415 --> 00:44:15,533
Something's obviously
gone very wrong between them.

860
00:44:15,535 --> 00:44:17,813
But he'd answer to you.

861
00:44:17,815 --> 00:44:20,613
Well, not when he's in the air,
obviously.

862
00:44:20,615 --> 00:44:23,853
I didn't know he'd started
<font color="

863
00:44:23,855 --> 00:44:25,973
Well...

864
00:44:25,975 --> 00:44:28,853
..he'll have been hiding it,
won't he? Like folk do.

865
00:44:28,855 --> 00:44:31,135
Or...trying to.

866
00:44:33,935 --> 00:44:36,013
CORK POPS
Hey!

867
00:44:36,015 --> 00:44:41,613
So, wow, he's loaded.
Well, we don't know that.

868
00:44:41,615 --> 00:44:43,453
We know he's sold his house.

869
00:44:43,455 --> 00:44:45,293
<font color="

870
00:44:45,295 --> 00:44:49,173
One New Zealand dollar
is worth 52p sterling.

871
00:44:49,175 --> 00:44:53,453
Oh, you've googled it?
It was me, not Celia.

872
00:44:53,455 --> 00:44:58,293
So he's worth 750,000, then.
In theory.

873
00:44:58,295 --> 00:44:59,893
Well, unless he's spent it.

874
00:44:59,895 --> 00:45:02,293
Happen that's why
<font color="

875
00:45:02,295 --> 00:45:03,773
Or he's not shelling it out.

876
00:45:03,775 --> 00:45:05,613
Well, why should he?

877
00:45:05,615 --> 00:45:09,373
If it's his,
that he's worked all his life for.

878
00:45:09,375 --> 00:45:12,893
I wasn't saying he should
or he shouldn't, I was just...

879
00:45:12,895 --> 00:45:15,653
They all expect a hand-out
these days.

880
00:45:15,655 --> 00:45:18,453
<font color="
Four.

881
00:45:18,455 --> 00:45:21,133
Nadine and Simon and... Who else?

882
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:22,533
Janet and Kevin.

883
00:45:22,535 --> 00:45:25,213
And then how many grandchildren
and great-grandchildren?

884
00:45:25,215 --> 00:45:26,893
Oh, I lose track.

885
00:45:26,895 --> 00:45:29,533
12, I think, at last count.

886
00:45:29,535 --> 00:45:31,933
And do we know any more
<font color="

887
00:45:31,935 --> 00:45:34,613
Well, I left him a message
on his mobile,

888
00:45:34,615 --> 00:45:37,573
and he should get it
when he lands at Heathrow.

889
00:45:37,575 --> 00:45:39,733
If he lands at Heathrow.

890
00:45:39,735 --> 00:45:43,013
And if he can fathom
how to turn on his mobile phone.

891
00:45:43,015 --> 00:45:46,093
We might have to borrow
<font color="

892
00:45:46,095 --> 00:45:47,693
Oh, might you?

893
00:45:47,695 --> 00:45:51,733
Well, we can't pick him up in the
Lexus, cos that back seat's tiny.

894
00:45:51,735 --> 00:45:53,413
And he'll have all his luggage.

895
00:45:53,415 --> 00:45:56,613
These two only just squeeze
in after school.

896
00:45:56,615 --> 00:45:59,133
Can't see Ted squashing in,
he's a big fella.

897
00:45:59,135 --> 00:46:03,013
<font color="
pick Uncle Ted up. Yay!

898
00:46:03,015 --> 00:46:04,413
I'm coming.

899
00:46:04,415 --> 00:46:06,093
Can I come? Am I coming?

900
00:46:06,095 --> 00:46:08,893
Can Flora come?
Yes, we'll see.

901
00:46:08,895 --> 00:46:10,013
Right.

902
00:46:10,015 --> 00:46:11,375
Oh!

903
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:16,493
Happy birthday, Gillian.
Happy birthday, Caroline.

904
00:46:16,495 --> 00:46:18,093
<font color="

905
00:46:18,095 --> 00:46:20,253
Ooh, 53 at last. Wa-hey.

906
00:46:20,255 --> 00:46:23,733
Many happy returns, both of you.
Happy birthday.

907
00:46:23,735 --> 00:46:29,653

Happy birthday to you

908
00:46:29,655 --> 00:46:32,933

dear Gillian and Caroline...

909
00:46:32,935 --> 00:46:35,493
<font color="

910
00:46:35,495 --> 00:46:37,733


911
00:46:37,735 --> 00:46:39,373
Thank you. Thank you.

912
00:46:39,375 --> 00:46:42,093
God, isn't it weird
you were both born on the same day?

913
00:46:42,095 --> 00:46:45,853
Ah! Statistically, no.

914
00:46:45,855 --> 00:46:49,173
There are 7.6 billion people
on the planet,

915
00:46:49,175 --> 00:46:52,733
<font color="
so statistically...

916
00:46:52,735 --> 00:46:55,453
Oh, what does that mean?

917
00:46:55,455 --> 00:46:58,053
Oh, um...

918
00:46:58,055 --> 00:47:01,053
It means that, on any one given day,

919
00:47:01,055 --> 00:47:03,893
there's a shedload of birthday cake
on the planet.

920
00:47:03,895 --> 00:47:05,613
LAUGHTER
Yup!

921
00:47:05,615 --> 00:47:11,413
<font color="
on any one given day.

922
00:47:11,415 --> 00:47:14,253
You didn't just work that out.

923
00:47:14,255 --> 00:47:17,813
Well, I think it's lovely.
Yeah, so do I.

924
00:47:17,815 --> 00:47:20,413
Just another sign from upstairs

925
00:47:20,415 --> 00:47:23,375
that all this was meant to be.

926
00:47:24,415 --> 00:47:26,813
What, you mean the woodworm?
Sorry?

927
00:47:26,815 --> 00:47:29,213
<font color="

928
00:47:29,215 --> 00:47:31,533
Oh, have you? That's a nuisance.

929
00:47:31,535 --> 00:47:34,613
Mm, yeah, and it's gonna cost
millions to get it fixed.

930
00:47:34,615 --> 00:47:36,013
Millions? Well, a lot.

931
00:47:36,015 --> 00:47:37,853
Otherwise, roof's gonna collapse.

932
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:40,413
Will it collapse
while we're in bed?

933
00:47:40,415 --> 00:47:42,493
<font color="
You've scared her now.

934
00:47:42,495 --> 00:47:45,095
It's not gonna collapse,
cos we're gonna get it fixed.

935
00:47:46,895 --> 00:47:49,215
What's all this face pulling?

936
00:47:50,455 --> 00:47:51,653
Sorry?

937
00:47:51,655 --> 00:47:53,133
You two.

938
00:47:53,135 --> 00:47:57,573
It's nothing,
just a bit of wind.

939
00:47:57,575 --> 00:48:00,413
<font color="

940
00:48:00,415 --> 00:48:03,093
You're transparent.

941
00:48:03,095 --> 00:48:04,693
HE SIGHS

942
00:48:04,695 --> 00:48:05,735
Well, yeah.

943
00:48:07,775 --> 00:48:12,613
Yeah, I've, er, said
I'd lend it to our Gillian,

944
00:48:12,615 --> 00:48:15,895
what she needs for this, er,
woodworm.

945
00:48:18,295 --> 00:48:19,935
And how much is it?

946
00:48:21,095 --> 00:48:23,253
Money and fair words.

947
00:48:23,255 --> 00:48:24,893
<font color="

948
00:48:24,895 --> 00:48:26,213
CLEARS THROAT

949
00:48:26,215 --> 00:48:30,253
5,700 and summat.
It's just till she can pay me back.

950
00:48:30,255 --> 00:48:35,093
We might have to, er,
put the kitchen on hold.

951
00:48:35,095 --> 00:48:37,975
For a month or two, that's all.

952
00:48:39,415 --> 00:48:40,733
Right.

953
00:48:40,735 --> 00:48:45,053
It's very difficult for her
<font color="

954
00:48:45,055 --> 00:48:48,613
with her having bought those
ten acres and expanded the flock.

955
00:48:48,615 --> 00:48:52,973
Yeah. I was going to talk to you,
but, is...

956
00:48:52,975 --> 00:48:55,453
..we've had all on.

957
00:48:55,455 --> 00:48:58,813
It is an emergency.
Seriously, Celia.

958
00:48:58,815 --> 00:49:00,535
<font color="

959
00:49:10,295 --> 00:49:11,335
OK.

960
00:49:16,975 --> 00:49:20,933
Did the boys both send you
a birthday card, Caroline?

961
00:49:20,935 --> 00:49:23,453
William did, Lawrence didn't.

962
00:49:23,455 --> 00:49:25,213
Well, he rang me.

963
00:49:25,215 --> 00:49:27,853
Who did?
Lawrence, your Lawrence. Yesterday.

964
00:49:27,855 --> 00:49:30,653
Not to do with birthdays,
<font color="

965
00:49:30,655 --> 00:49:35,055
He...he wants to come over
cos he's making a documentary.

966
00:49:36,295 --> 00:49:38,853
A doc...? Is he? What about?

967
00:49:38,855 --> 00:49:40,813
Sheep. Him and Angus.

968
00:49:40,815 --> 00:49:44,893
They make documentaries,
and then they post them on YouTube.

969
00:49:44,895 --> 00:49:46,853
Mum, they're not documentaries.

970
00:49:46,855 --> 00:49:49,573
<font color="
No. Well, they're something.

971
00:49:49,575 --> 00:49:51,533
He's bringing a camera.
Oh, well, very good.

972
00:49:51,535 --> 00:49:54,373
We thought he wasn't doing
very much, didn't we?

973
00:49:54,375 --> 00:49:55,775
Lawrence.

974
00:49:57,375 --> 00:49:59,853
They do a YouTube channel.

975
00:49:59,855 --> 00:50:04,053
<font color="
Mother. They review things.

976
00:50:04,055 --> 00:50:08,133
Review things? What, like what?
Films? No.

977
00:50:08,135 --> 00:50:12,135
Books? No, like one week
they reviewed a used teabag.

978
00:50:13,455 --> 00:50:16,413
And then another week
<font color="

979
00:50:16,415 --> 00:50:19,333
one of 'em had squashed against
a window.

980
00:50:19,335 --> 00:50:21,253
Sorry. People watch this?
Yeah.

981
00:50:21,255 --> 00:50:24,533
People watch any old shit,
don't they, on YouTube.

982
00:50:24,535 --> 00:50:27,573
I mean it's...it's comic...
Well, it's meant to be comical.

983
00:50:27,575 --> 00:50:29,933
<font color="
They don't make money.

984
00:50:29,935 --> 00:50:32,653
You can do, if you get enough hits.

985
00:50:32,655 --> 00:50:35,095
It isn't rude, is it?
No, it's just juvenile.

986
00:50:36,175 --> 00:50:37,893
And what do they call themselves?

987
00:50:37,895 --> 00:50:40,493
LADS.

988
00:50:40,495 --> 00:50:43,453
Lawrence And Angus Do Stuff.

989
00:50:43,455 --> 00:50:47,893
<font color="
Some people make thousands.

990
00:50:47,895 --> 00:50:51,293
And what are they doing here?
What're they reviewing here? Me?

991
00:50:51,295 --> 00:50:54,333
A sheep, by t'sound o' things.
You spoke to him.

992
00:50:54,335 --> 00:50:56,893
It's sort of thing they'd do,
review a sheep.

993
00:50:56,895 --> 00:50:58,413
<font color="

994
00:50:58,415 --> 00:51:00,533
I should've asked more questions.

995
00:51:00,535 --> 00:51:04,693
Maybe not. Just let 'em get on with
it and charge 'em for the privilege.

996
00:51:04,695 --> 00:51:07,893
If they're making thousands.
They won't be making thousands.

997
00:51:07,895 --> 00:51:10,893
They'll be deluding themselves
that they could be making thousands

998
00:51:10,895 --> 00:51:13,695
<font color="
which they won't.

999
00:51:15,135 --> 00:51:19,173
I'm sorry. I can't just sit
here and say nothing.

1000
00:51:19,175 --> 00:51:21,773
This is you all over, Gillian.

1001
00:51:21,775 --> 00:51:23,453
Manipulating your dad.

1002
00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:27,813
I mean, never mind the fact that
I have, all my life, been a saver,

1003
00:51:27,815 --> 00:51:32,133
<font color="
easier and have a few nice things.

1004
00:51:32,135 --> 00:51:34,893
No, we have to bail you out,

1005
00:51:34,895 --> 00:51:39,415
you who doesn't think beyond
next week, and never has.

1006
00:51:41,255 --> 00:51:42,495
Forget it.

1007
00:51:44,655 --> 00:51:47,973
No, I shouldn't have asked.
We'll find another way.

1008
00:51:47,975 --> 00:51:49,813
<font color="

1009
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:52,975
It wouldn't be your money,
it'd be mine.

1010
00:51:54,215 --> 00:51:56,973
Yes, but it'd mean I'd have
to stump up a bigger percentage

1011
00:51:56,975 --> 00:51:58,293
to go ahead with the kitchen,

1012
00:51:58,295 --> 00:52:02,133
so I would, in effect,
be helping you bail her out.

1013
00:52:02,135 --> 00:52:03,333
<font color="

1014
00:52:03,335 --> 00:52:05,533
We're talking about a delay,
that's all.

1015
00:52:05,535 --> 00:52:07,693
Oh, are we? Yes.

1016
00:52:07,695 --> 00:52:10,813
OK. So what's the timescale?
When can we expect to be paid back?

1017
00:52:10,815 --> 00:52:14,933
Oh, don't do this now, Mum,
not in front of the little ones.

1018
00:52:14,935 --> 00:52:18,173
<font color="
It's always me that's in the wrong.

1019
00:52:18,175 --> 00:52:20,853
The problem is that we've already
put down the deposit.

1020
00:52:20,855 --> 00:52:22,693
They've started building the units.

1021
00:52:22,695 --> 00:52:26,773
It's custom-built, it's not off the
shelf, and we've got a start date.

1022
00:52:26,775 --> 00:52:29,893
We can't suddenly say
<font color="

1023
00:52:29,895 --> 00:52:32,535
we can't afford it. We can delay.

1024
00:52:33,855 --> 00:52:35,213
See, we'd done our sums.

1025
00:52:35,215 --> 00:52:39,533
Yeah, well, I'd done mine, but, er,
this... This was unforeseen.

1026
00:52:39,535 --> 00:52:41,333
But...

1027
00:52:41,335 --> 00:52:42,933
..forget it.

1028
00:52:42,935 --> 00:52:47,013
Look, you can't just go
<font color="

1029
00:52:47,015 --> 00:52:49,773
You're lucky to get somebody
who turns up these days,

1030
00:52:49,775 --> 00:52:51,453
never mind a proper craftsman.

1031
00:52:51,455 --> 00:52:53,693
We can ask Martin to...

1032
00:52:53,695 --> 00:52:56,653
He's running a business.

1033
00:52:56,655 --> 00:52:59,133
It's fine. Dad...

1034
00:52:59,135 --> 00:53:01,015
..honestly, it's...

1035
00:53:03,895 --> 00:53:05,495
We'll find another way.

1036
00:53:10,055 --> 00:53:12,455
<font color="

1037
00:53:13,735 --> 00:53:17,255
That's you, Grando. Hmm? Oh!

1038
00:53:21,015 --> 00:53:23,453
It's Ted. It's Ted!

1039
00:53:23,455 --> 00:53:26,895
Ted? Where are you?

1040
00:53:29,855 --> 00:53:32,933
He's in Hong Kong.
He's about to get on a plane.

1041
00:53:32,935 --> 00:53:34,735
Are you all right?

1042
00:53:35,895 --> 00:53:38,093
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm champion.

1043
00:53:38,095 --> 00:53:39,455
So...

1044
00:53:40,735 --> 00:53:42,693
<font color="
we'll be there.

1045
00:53:42,695 --> 00:53:45,415
I think we'll all be there,
I think we're all coming.

1046
00:53:46,415 --> 00:53:49,335
Yeah, yeah, she's right here.

1047
00:53:50,415 --> 00:53:51,975
Yes. Yeah.

1048
00:53:53,175 --> 00:53:55,453
Yes, still a handful, that's right.

1049
00:53:55,455 --> 00:53:56,813
HE CHUCKLES

1050
00:53:56,815 --> 00:53:58,653
Would you like a word with her?

1051
00:53:58,655 --> 00:54:00,415
<font color="

1052
00:54:01,455 --> 00:54:03,253
Yeah, you will indeed.

1053
00:54:03,255 --> 00:54:05,455
Hey, how much luggage have you got?

1054
00:54:07,215 --> 00:54:09,133
A lot, righto.

1055
00:54:09,135 --> 00:54:10,895
Right, da-da. Ta-ta.

1056
00:54:12,135 --> 00:54:13,693
Well, he seems as right as rain!

1057
00:54:13,695 --> 00:54:17,013
I've never heard him sound
more himself.

1058
00:54:17,015 --> 00:54:18,935
The plot thickens.

1059
00:54:27,255 --> 00:54:29,853
<font color="
was, contrary to popular belief,

1060
00:54:29,855 --> 00:54:32,333
not invented by King Harold in 1066,

1061
00:54:32,335 --> 00:54:34,853
but in fact dates back
to the sun god Horus

1062
00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:36,973
getting smacked in the eye
by his brother, Set,

1063
00:54:36,975 --> 00:54:38,853
during a tiff over who ruled Egypt.

1064
00:54:38,855 --> 00:54:42,373
<font color="
or shiner, last night

1065
00:54:42,375 --> 00:54:45,133
when he fell over pissed
in a gutter in Harrogate

1066
00:54:45,135 --> 00:54:47,173
after a tiff with a big scary bloke,

1067
00:54:47,175 --> 00:54:50,293
following an incident involving
the big scary bloke's girlfriend,

1068
00:54:50,295 --> 00:54:51,973
who looked like an orangutan.

1069
00:54:51,975 --> 00:54:54,613
<font color="
in the eye,

1070
00:54:54,615 --> 00:54:58,093
but Horus kicked Set
in the family jewels. Yow!

1071
00:54:58,095 --> 00:55:00,693
Now, world leaders
such as the Pope and Boy George

1072
00:55:00,695 --> 00:55:02,933
have been seen in public
with a black eye,

1073
00:55:02,935 --> 00:55:05,613
and this is thought to be a sign
<font color="

1074
00:55:05,615 --> 00:55:07,973
or secret society, who will test

1075
00:55:07,975 --> 00:55:11,295
your loyalty, stamina and sense of
humour by smacking you in the eye.

1076
00:55:12,455 --> 00:55:14,015
Eating pineapple...

1077
00:55:15,775 --> 00:55:17,695
..smearing toothpaste on it...

1078
00:55:19,455 --> 00:55:22,013
..or vapour rub with salt
mixed in...

1079
00:55:22,015 --> 00:55:23,855
<font color="

1080
00:55:25,495 --> 00:55:27,415
Fucking pineapple water in my eye!

1081
00:55:28,735 --> 00:55:31,213
In serious grown-up literature,
like The Hunger Games

1082
00:55:31,215 --> 00:55:34,013
and Shakespeare, there are
any number of black eyes.

1083
00:55:34,015 --> 00:55:35,693
Fucking idiot. What are you doing?

1084
00:55:35,695 --> 00:55:38,573
<font color="
well. No, it isn't!

1085
00:55:38,575 --> 00:55:41,013
Well, you're not turning it off.
It's stupid.

1086
00:55:41,015 --> 00:55:42,693
We're just going to have to do it
all again now,

1087
00:55:42,695 --> 00:55:44,653
and I've only got two tins
of pineapple chunks.

1088
00:55:44,655 --> 00:55:47,013
<font color="
It's very funny, you fuckwad.

1089
00:55:47,015 --> 00:55:48,815
What's a fuckwad even?

1090
00:55:51,055 --> 00:55:53,215
Sit. Stay there.

1091
00:56:17,335 --> 00:56:20,653
The thing about not drinking
is you get to this time of the day

1092
00:56:20,655 --> 00:56:23,135
and you're just so fucking bored.

1093
00:56:29,415 --> 00:56:33,335
Anyway, I've been thinking.

1094
00:56:39,015 --> 00:56:41,175
<font color="

1095
00:56:43,655 --> 00:56:45,333
Ted! Hello, hello, hello!

1096
00:56:45,335 --> 00:56:47,413
We could put them up
for a couple of nights, couldn't we?

1097
00:56:47,415 --> 00:56:48,973
I've no idea who they are.

1098
00:56:48,975 --> 00:56:51,013
Are you fed up of this old face?

1099
00:56:51,015 --> 00:56:53,213
What would you think
if I got married again?

1100
00:56:53,215 --> 00:56:55,133
<font color="
I don't want to hurt her.

1101
00:56:55,135 --> 00:56:58,053
Is it all right if I leave
my car here tonight?

1102
00:56:58,055 --> 00:56:59,693
You can stay over, if you like.

1103
00:56:59,695 --> 00:57:01,373
Judith's asked me to marry her.

1104
00:57:01,375 --> 00:57:03,773
Jesus Christ! What is that?!

1105
00:57:03,775 --> 00:57:06,253
You need to come and look at this.

1106
00:57:06,255 --> 00:57:09,255
<font color="