1 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,772 And now the NCAA Final Four 2 00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:08,775 postgame show. 3 00:00:10,277 --> 00:00:10,911 Welcome back 4 00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,914 to the post game show sponsored by Capital One. 5 00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:15,415 We hope you enjoyed that 6 00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,518 commercial where spike Lee, Samuel L 7 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,921 Jackson, and Jennifer Garner are supposed to be friends. 8 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:24,391 I'm Ernie Johnson here with Kenny the Jet Smith, 9 00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,760 sir Charles Barkley, 10 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,263 and Coach Bruce Pearl. 11 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,465 Well, fellas, let's let's talk about tonight's 12 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:35,402 first game where Connecticut beat Illinois 71 to 62. 13 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:40,207 Oh, that night for Illinois's offense, indeed. 14 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,408 They got sit down fast 15 00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:45,512 and then let me ask for temporary autograph. 16 00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:46,313 Yeah, Ernie. 17 00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,282 Man, that game was miraculous. 18 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,650 It was spectacular. 19 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:53,887 I mean, one could call it miracle tackler. 20 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:54,655 Absolutely. 21 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,791 It was almost as impressive as when Chuck spoke 22 00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:00,894 so eloquently about immigrants last week. 23 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,163 Oh, well, thank you very much. 24 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:04,431 That's right, that's right. 25 00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:05,566 That's right. Chuckster. 26 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,734 Now, you got a lot of love for your passionate defense 27 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:10,170 of the immigrant experience on this very show. 28 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,471 Oh, well, I got to tell you, man, 29 00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:14,241 all kinds of people were texting me, emailing me. 30 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,909 It's the first time I went viral 31 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,179 without a prescription for Valtrex. 32 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:22,683 People love sincere Charles Barkley. 33 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,351 They do rhyme. 34 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:26,486 It's crazy, man. 35 00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:29,089 All right, well, let's move on to the highlights from tonight. 36 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,358 Oh, before we do, Ernie, can I say something? 37 00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,226 Oh. Sure. 38 00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:34,561 Now, this might get me fired, 39 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:38,065 so I'm going to choose my words real careful right now. 40 00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:41,735 Look, there's a war going on, and, between us and Iran, 41 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:45,639 war was terrible. 42 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,907 Innocent people getting killed. 43 00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:50,944 And I don't care who started it. But we need to end it. Okay. 44 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:51,478 Amen. 45 00:01:51,478 --> 00:01:53,413 I appreciate you. 46 00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:54,514 Thank you. Charles. 47 00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:56,316 Let's let's talk about the late game 48 00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:58,151 where Michigan beat Arizona. 49 00:01:58,151 --> 00:01:59,286 Coach Pearl, any thoughts? 50 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,289 Oh, tons. 51 00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:05,525 Okay. 52 00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:09,229 Care to share? No. 53 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:10,697 Well, it was a great game. 54 00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:12,699 I mean, I like Michigan toughness. 55 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:15,669 But first, can I say something real quick, Ernie? 56 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,404 Sure. Okay. 57 00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:21,041 I'm going to choose my words like, real careful here. 58 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,243 The Artemis two space mission is, 59 00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:26,513 where's the money? 60 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:27,981 Now, I know I don't always pick the house. 61 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,283 And last but name even going to the moon. 62 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:33,820 They just flying around the moon. 63 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:34,888 What's the point of that? 64 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,124 It's like telling your kids you're going to Disney World, 65 00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:41,895 and then you just take them to goofy like D and go home. 66 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:45,999 I mean, the mission is wrong, and, we need to end it. 67 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:46,466 All right. 68 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,567 Thank you. Charles. 69 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,503 Why don't we get back to basketball? Okay. 70 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,639 Michigan's win tonight really upended expectations. 71 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,574 Yeah, they were the underdog. 72 00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:56,410 I bet a lot of people lost money on this one. 73 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,711 Well, you know, it's crazy. 74 00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,579 You can bet on anything now. 75 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,748 You guys seeing these signs like caution? 76 00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:02,649 Oh, yeah. 77 00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,451 Where you can, like, bet on stuff like, 78 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:07,320 who win The Masked Singer worse than that, man. 79 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,021 You can bet on 80 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:11,958 what your favorite sports commentator will say on live TV. 81 00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,393 Watch this. 82 00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:17,230 Rumplestiltskin. But 83 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:20,500 I just made $200,000. 84 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:21,702 Charles. We got to. 85 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,637 We got to get back to business. Oh, absolutely. 86 00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:24,071 Absolutely. 87 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:26,940 But, first, can I say something, Ernie? 88 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,543 Is it going to be about basketball? 89 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,278 Possibly. 90 00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:34,381 How good could the camera, slowly put your hand on me? 91 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,315 Yeah. That's good. 92 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,219 Now, I'm going to do two of my words very carefully here. 93 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,589 As Attorney General Pam Bondi was, and I don't say this often. 94 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,524 Terrible. 95 00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,493 It is a shame when somebody gets fired. 96 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,061 But we should all get. 97 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,831 We should all be glad that that freckle chested dragon 98 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:54,301 lady is gone. 99 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:57,404 Yeah. 100 00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:01,041 And not to mention Kristi Noem, 101 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,044 whose husband looks like he's starring in Big Mama House for. 102 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,480 Look. 103 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,117 The whole thing is a sham mockery. 104 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,352 Fellas, I have a surprising development 105 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:14,454 since Charles has been talking politics. 106 00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:17,457 The FCC has demanded that we give equal time. 107 00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:20,327 So here to defend herself is former attorney 108 00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:22,395 General Pam Bondi. 109 00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,563 Hello, gentlemen. 110 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,732 Whoa whoa whoa. 111 00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:31,338 So great to be here at the final four years of this country. 112 00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:34,875 Ma'am, what are you doing here? 113 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,009 I'm sorry, Charles, 114 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:39,813 but I can't let the lies you said about me go unanswered. 115 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,649 The truth is, I was amazing at my job. 116 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:45,519 And I am proud to say I made history 117 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:49,990 as the first woman ever to be fired as attorney general. 118 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:54,694 I shattered that glass exit door. 119 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,501 Know. 120 00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,203 Pam, I'm so sorry. 121 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:04,404 I just don't. 122 00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:06,173 My God, I miss it already. 123 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,040 I miss it already. 124 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:07,841 And they threw my 125 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:11,912 headshot in the trash like it was the Epstein files. 126 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:14,047 Come on. What am I gonna do? 127 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,683 I'm sure you're going to have other opportunities. 128 00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:18,351 Yeah, you could work in sports. 129 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,887 I mean, you already look like a women's basketball coach 130 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,890 who got suspended for pulling on a player's brain. 131 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,832 You think so? 132 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:32,399 Yeah. 133 00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:33,834 That's so nice. 134 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:34,901 Oh, it's so nice. 135 00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,636 Yeah, yeah. No problem. 136 00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:40,840 Hey, Ernie, can I say something real quick? 137 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:41,608 Sure. 138 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:45,579 Now I'm going to choose my words, very carefully here. 139 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:48,748 Live from New York on Saturday night. 140 00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:54,721 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY 141 00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:57,858 NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 142 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:52,238 MUSICAL GUEST JACK WHITE. 143 00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:57,077 AND YOUR HOST, JACK BLACK. 144 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,849 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JACK 145 00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:11,524 BLACK! 146 00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:28,808 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 147 00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:32,445 Ooh! Oh my God. 148 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:32,946 Thank you. 149 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:33,813 Thank you. Oh. 150 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:37,817 Thank you. I am so thrilled to be back 151 00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:42,789 hosting SNL for the fifth time. Oh! 152 00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:44,391 Come on. 153 00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:47,794 It's a huge honor to join the Five Timers Club. 154 00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:50,463 I'm a five timer. 155 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,665 Oh. Why? 156 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:56,803 It's not you here. Jonah Hill. 157 00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,606 Oh, my God, buddy. 158 00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:01,174 This is so nice and velvety. 159 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,209 It is so good to see you. 160 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,711 What have you been up to, man? 161 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:08,615 Well, I've actually been working on Superbad two. What? 162 00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:12,752 Really? No, I just really like the sound of applause. 163 00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:13,987 Good to know. 164 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:18,124 So, are you going to take me to that kick ass lounge? 165 00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,326 Yes. But, Jack, we need your help. 166 00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:22,695 There's something wrong with the Five Timers Club. 167 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,097 What? No. Let's go. 168 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,667 Three. Two. 169 00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,502 One and go. 170 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:34,340 No! Do you see what I mean? Yes. You're right. 171 00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:38,111 It feels like there's evil lurking around every corner. 172 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,345 Scary goblin. 173 00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:43,616 No, no, it's just me. 174 00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:49,622 Oh, it's just. 175 00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:53,092 It's just. 176 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,361 It's just me. It's just regular Tina Fey. 177 00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:58,531 I wanted to congratulate you on a historic night. 178 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:03,336 You're officially the first black in the Five Timers club. 179 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:07,841 Tina, what's become of this once glorious place? 180 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,509 You know, it's seen better days. 181 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,177 What started off as a one off 182 00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,278 joke in a Tom Hanks 183 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,948 monologue has been brought back so many times, 184 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,450 it is literally been run into the ground. 185 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,185 For example, and this is true. 186 00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:24,457 This is my fifth five Timers Club sketch. Wow. 187 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,859 A double five timer. 188 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,128 Is that why you're wearing that special jacket? 189 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,797 Oh, no. This is actually my first timer's jacket 190 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,166 from SNL, UK. Wow. 191 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,836 I, I think it's 192 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:42,842 made out of Paddington. 193 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,585 You know, 194 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:56,956 I spent a night with Paddington in 76 and Candice Bergen. 195 00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:59,626 You saucy minx. 196 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,226 Yeah. 197 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,196 Let's just say we found something that he likes 198 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:08,034 way more than marmalade. Candice. 199 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:11,571 What a bitch can█t party. 200 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:15,208 Speaking of party. 201 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:22,282 There's always home. 202 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:22,849 Party! 203 00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:27,120 No where I can just get a drink. 204 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,188 I can't find one. 205 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,223 Melissa, you're telling me 206 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,092 there's no booze in the Five Timers lounge? 207 00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:34,027 Yeah. That's right. 208 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:38,431 Oh, they've got all these warm cans of John Mulaney's beer. 209 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,400 Those are nonalcoholic, though, right? 210 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,270 Not if you fill them with vodka. Oh. 211 00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:51,277 Yeah. 212 00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:54,047 You know, desperate times call for desperate measures. 213 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,250 Did someone say desperate measures? 214 00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,619 So, Domingo, you're in here. 215 00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,854 Have you been on the show five times? 216 00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:04,924 Yes. If you count this one. 217 00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:07,894 No. Hey, Jack came all this way. 218 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,063 Had to explain that my name is. 219 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:14,801 Don't you? Oh. 220 00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:22,575 No. No cast members allowed. 221 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,645 Well, it's my hero, Professor Snape. 222 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:28,848 That is not Professor Snape. It's five time musical guest. 223 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:35,054 And my partner tonight, Jack white. 224 00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:35,421 Thank you. 225 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,490 But, unfortunately, I have to be going. 226 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:38,858 Why so soon? 227 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,761 Well, the five time musical guests 228 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,231 only get their parking validated for 15 minutes. 229 00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:49,202 So, I have to move my hearse. 230 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,838 Enough is enough. It's time to fix this place. 231 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,640 The only way I know how. 232 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,375 With the power of rock. 233 00:12:55,375 --> 00:13:01,981 Tina might be. 234 00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,217 Candice! Let's go. 235 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,152 >> OKAY. 236 00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,153 ♪ I'M BACK HOSTING 237 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,121 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 238 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:11,090 FOR THE FIFTH TIME ♪ 239 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:11,858 ♪ AND IF I DON'T CRUSH IT 240 00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:15,628 IT WOULD BE A CRIME ♪ 241 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,096 ♪ EVERYTHING ABOUT THE 242 00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:21,367 LOUNGE IS BROKEN AND WRONG ♪ 243 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,101 ♪ BUT I'M GONNA FIX IT 244 00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,102 BY SINGING THE WORLD'S 245 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:27,607 MOST ROCKIN' SONG ♪ 246 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,609 ♪ RING-DIGA-DING-DING 247 00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,111 DING DING DING 248 00:13:32,111 --> 00:13:34,113 RING-DIGA-DING-DING 249 00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:37,083 DING DING DING DING DING ♪ 250 00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,618 [ "SEVEN NATION ARMY" RIFF ] 251 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,585 >> JACK WHITE, GET BACK OUT 252 00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:40,887 HERE. 253 00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:41,854 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 254 00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,089 ♪♪ 255 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,357 >> NOW GIVE ME A CHOIR OF 256 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,093 MARCHING WIZARDS. 257 00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:53,366 ♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪ 258 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,334 ♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪ 259 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,902 ♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT 260 00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,336 THE FIVE-TIMERS ARMY 261 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,605 GONNA LIFT THE CURSE ♪ 262 00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:00,606 ♪ WE GOT JACK BLACK 263 00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:04,377 AND WHITE ♪ 264 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,344 ♪ HE'S SHREDDING ON HIS AXE 265 00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,346 WHILE I SING THE 266 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:11,617 NEXT VERSE ♪ 267 00:14:11,617 --> 00:14:12,151 ♪ WE GOT MELISSA, 268 00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:12,785 CANDICE BERGEN, JONAH HILL 269 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:13,419 AND BRITISH TINA FEY ♪ 270 00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:13,986 ♪ IT'S MY NIGHTMARE 271 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:14,420 BLUNT ROTATION 272 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:14,987 AND I THINK IT'S GONNA 273 00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:20,426 SAVE THE DAY ♪ 274 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:23,096 ♪♪ 275 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,364 ♪ AND WHEN I PUT 276 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,631 THIS JACKET ON 277 00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:26,599 YOU KNOW I FEEL LIKE 278 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,101 I AM READY TO HOST ♪ 279 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,370 ♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH 280 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:35,608 OHH OH OH OH OH OH 281 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:39,112 OH OH OH ♪ 282 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:43,583 ♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH 283 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,919 OH OH OH ♪ 284 00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:47,587 >> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS 285 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:48,354 REALLY HAPPENING. 286 00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:49,889 I THINK I'M IN HEAVEN. 287 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,157 AM I IN HEAVEN? 288 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,126 YOU GUYS, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? 289 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:53,726 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 290 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,194 WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW 291 00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:56,629 TONIGHT. 292 00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,998 JACK BLACK IS HERE. 293 00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,000 JACK WHITE IS HERE 294 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:01,901 OH OH OH ♪ 295 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,669 JUST STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE 296 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,105 RIGHT BACK! 297 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,554 I just came from the gym. 298 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:22,989 That's why I'm a little out of breath. 299 00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:27,827 All right, gang, what's everyone digging into for lunch today? 300 00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,962 Turkey. Chicken salad. 301 00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:35,501 I got a tofu wrapped tofu. Yeah. I'm trying, vegan again. 302 00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:39,839 Cut it tomorrow with a burger. With a burger? Oh, yeah. So. 303 00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,875 I love that. 304 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,945 We talking lunch? 305 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,613 What? 306 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,483 I'm doing homemade nachos. 307 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,952 God. Cathy's here. 308 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,823 I didn't even see her come in. Do we invite her over? 309 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,158 Oh, no. No. We cannot. 310 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:03,196 I wish there was another way to say this, but I hate her. 311 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,932 Me too. She's the worst. 312 00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:09,068 Y'all ever heard of these things? 313 00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:12,872 Nachos? Yes, we've heard of nachos. 314 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,874 Okay, Cathy, enjoy your lunch. 315 00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,710 Oh, I will. Brought these from home. 316 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,378 I'd share with you, but I crushed up 317 00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:22,448 some of my pills into the beans. 318 00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,617 Got to trick myself like a dog. 319 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:27,887 Otherwise I won't take my birth control. 320 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:31,958 Don't worry, it's not TMI. It's not for sex. 321 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:33,292 It's for acne. 322 00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:36,429 Wait issues, uterine growth, excess hair, 323 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:41,033 overall mood issues, dry mouth, and yes, sex, I wish. 324 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:46,939 Hey, who said that? I did. Quiet! 325 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,274 Don't yell at her. 326 00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:53,079 Guys, guys, let's just ignore her and talk amongst ourselves. 327 00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:54,881 Good idea. Yeah. Yeah. 328 00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:58,017 Did you guys get the Windows Update on your desktop today? 329 00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,919 Yeah I did. Yeah. Like how? 330 00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:04,323 Oh, I have work to do. 331 00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:06,292 We talking tech. 332 00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:07,326 Oh my God. 333 00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:11,731 Just take. 334 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,834 We talking tech. 335 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,203 I feel bad. Don't. 336 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,740 You gave her an inch. She'll take a while. 337 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,175 We talk in tech. 338 00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:27,413 Yes, Cathy, we're talking tech. No. What? I'm sorry. 339 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:30,950 Yeah, well, speaking of tech, got myself a new phone. 340 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,819 It's called a grasshopper. It's only 599. 341 00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,789 I get to call my mom and the cops. 342 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,825 You don't even have to charge the damn thing. It's disposable. 343 00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:43,029 You make a couple calls, you throw it away. 344 00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,463 That's very cool, Kathy. 345 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:48,901 Oh, I'm addicted to this thing. Y'all play numbers. 346 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,203 What is numbers? 347 00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:53,372 It's the number one game on grasshopper. 348 00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:55,107 Right now. You just sift through the numbers. 349 00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:55,808 They got a mall. 350 00:17:55,808 --> 00:18:02,281 They got one, two, three, four. 351 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:07,353 They got five, six, seven. 352 00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,623 I don't think they have a oh, God, they have eight, 353 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,059 but I don't think they have. Oh my God, they have nine. 354 00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:17,396 Oh wow. Oh they got shut up. Coffee 355 00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:18,464 too. Right. 356 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:22,868 Dude, you cannot yell like that, man. 357 00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,771 You have to go ahead. 358 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,709 Wait, wait. No. Don't quit. Not quit. 359 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:34,280 Then promise me that next time she tries to put in this thing. 360 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:39,418 I think the goalkeeper can just get that in and she will stop. 361 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:45,157 Don't you promise? Okay. We promise. Thank you. 362 00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:49,061 Now, can we finally talk about survivor? Yes. 363 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:52,098 Good game. We talking TV? 364 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,909 We talking TV. 365 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:09,882 Don█t Say a word. 366 00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:18,224 We talk TV. 367 00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,392 Stress sickness. 368 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:24,664 Still. 369 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,966 We talking TV. 370 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,200 The plan. 371 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,972 Do what we promised. 372 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,674 We talking TV. 373 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:40,846 Just take my hand. 374 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,348 We talking TV. 375 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:47,920 Just stay strong with me. 376 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,056 We talking TV. 377 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:54,960 She doesn't exist. 378 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,363 We talking TV. 379 00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:04,637 I feel like this is worse than just talking to her. 380 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,706 We talking TV. 381 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:13,579 I promise you it is not 382 00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,614 We talking TV. 383 00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:17,149 We're almost there, guys. 384 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:21,554 I'm not going to make it. 385 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,289 We talking TV show. 386 00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:28,828 Can't go on forever. 387 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,396 We talking TV. 388 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:35,734 She█s getting tired. I can hear it in her voice. 389 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,203 We talking TV. 390 00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:43,309 I swear she'll do one more match and then she is done. 391 00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,478 We talking TV? 392 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:49,415 That is the last one. 393 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,418 we talking TV. 394 00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:54,720 Are you back on tech? No TV? 395 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,690 Oh, come on. 396 00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:05,965 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 397 00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,033 ♪♪ 398 00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:09,568 ♪ I JUST CAN'T FORGET 399 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,370 THAT TIME LAST YEAR 400 00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:12,404 AT THE END OF PAPPY'S LIFE ♪ 401 00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:14,673 ♪ WE GATHERED ROUND 402 00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:18,644 HIS HOSPITAL BED ♪ 403 00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:19,645 ♪ AND WHEN HE CRACKED A JOKE 404 00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:20,646 I TRIED TO CHOKE BACK 405 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,948 A FRESH NEW ROUND OF TEARS ♪ 406 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,916 ♪ BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET 407 00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,151 THE NEXT THING 408 00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:28,420 THAT HE SAID ♪ 409 00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:29,388 ♪ HE PULLED ME DOWN 410 00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:34,160 SO I COULD HEAR 411 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:34,894 I CUPPED MY FINGER 412 00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:35,661 TO MY EAR ♪ 413 00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:36,395 ♪ HE SAID, SON THE ONLY 414 00:21:36,395 --> 00:21:37,129 THING YOU GOTTA KNOW 415 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,399 ABOUT LIFE IS THIS ♪ 416 00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:43,636 ♪ AND HE SAID 417 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:46,172 WAIT, WHAT WAS IT 418 00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:48,140 IT WAS SORTA LIKE 419 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:51,644 IT'S KINDA LIKE ♪ 420 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,913 ♪ DANG IT, WHAT WAS IT 421 00:21:53,913 --> 00:21:54,914 IT WAS SOMETHING 422 00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:56,649 REALLY COOL ♪ 423 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,417 ♪ SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET 424 00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,419 AND SUCCINCT AND FOLKSY 425 00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:01,153 KIND OF SUMMED UP LIFE 426 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:02,922 REAL QUICK ♪ 427 00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:04,423 ♪ GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT 428 00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:05,658 GOD DAMN IT ♪ 429 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:06,926 ♪ WAS ON THE TIP OF MY 430 00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:08,661 TONGUE BUT I FORGOT IT ♪ 431 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,930 ♪ LIKE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH 432 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,164 THE MEN IN BLACK THING 433 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,400 WHATEVER THAT'S CALLED ♪ 434 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,871 ♪♪ 435 00:22:18,871 --> 00:22:19,905 ♪ I WAS CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN 436 00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:21,874 IN TIBET 437 00:22:21,874 --> 00:22:23,142 WHEN I FOUND A MYSTERIOUS 438 00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,644 CAVE ♪ 439 00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:26,879 ♪ AND I FELT A BENEVOLENT 440 00:22:26,879 --> 00:22:30,149 FORCE PULLING ME INSIDE ♪ 441 00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:31,917 ♪ AND ON A DAIS IN THE CAVE 442 00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,652 THERE SAT A SAGE 443 00:22:33,652 --> 00:22:34,687 WHO GAVE ME KNOWLEDGE 444 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,155 OF THE AGES PAST ♪ 445 00:22:36,155 --> 00:22:37,389 ♪ AND I FELT INNER PEACE 446 00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:38,424 AND I GOT DOWN ON 447 00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:41,160 MY KNEES AND CRIED ♪ 448 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:42,661 ♪ I MADE IT HALFWAY DOWN 449 00:22:42,661 --> 00:22:44,396 THE MOUNTAIN 450 00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:45,931 ENLIGHTENED BY THE 451 00:22:45,931 --> 00:22:47,399 WISE MAN'S WORDS ♪ 452 00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:49,168 ♪ AND FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE 453 00:22:49,168 --> 00:22:51,403 I'LL REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID 454 00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:54,406 HE SAID ♪ 455 00:22:54,406 --> 00:23:01,313 [ TEXT DING ] 456 00:23:06,518 --> 00:23:07,786 >> ALL RIGHT. 457 00:23:07,786 --> 00:23:08,787 ANYWAY. 458 00:23:08,787 --> 00:23:11,290 ♪ HE SAID 459 00:23:11,290 --> 00:23:12,291 WAIT, [ BLEEP ] 460 00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:13,259 WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] 461 00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:14,994 DID THE WISE MAN SAY ♪ 462 00:23:14,994 --> 00:23:16,262 ♪ I GOT DISTRACTED 463 00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:17,029 BY THE TEXT FROM 464 00:23:17,029 --> 00:23:17,997 MY WIFE ABOUT 465 00:23:17,997 --> 00:23:20,032 MY SISTER'S THING ♪ 466 00:23:20,032 --> 00:23:23,269 ♪ HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE 467 00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,770 LIFE IS LIKE A DUH DUH-DUH 468 00:23:24,770 --> 00:23:25,771 BUT THE DUH DUH-DUH 469 00:23:25,771 --> 00:23:27,773 WAS THE GOOD PART ♪ 470 00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:28,774 ♪ I WAS IN THERE FOR 471 00:23:28,774 --> 00:23:30,542 OVER 20 HOURS 472 00:23:30,542 --> 00:23:31,777 HE WAS SAYING REALLY 473 00:23:31,777 --> 00:23:34,046 COOL STUFF ♪ 474 00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:35,281 ♪ I SHOULD HAVE 475 00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:36,782 WRITTEN IT DOWN 476 00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:38,017 MAYBE I CAN GO 477 00:23:38,017 --> 00:23:39,785 BACK UP THERE ♪ 478 00:23:39,785 --> 00:23:41,553 ♪ NO IT'S PRETTY FAR AWAY 479 00:23:41,553 --> 00:23:42,521 GUESS I BETTER GO 480 00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:45,024 TAKE A SHOWER ♪ 481 00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:45,758 ♪ FOR MY SISTER'S 482 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:47,760 THING TONIGHT ♪ 483 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,028 ♪ MY WIFE WAS RIGHT 484 00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:51,030 IT'S ON THE CALENDAR 485 00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,999 THE GOOGLE CALENDAR ♪ 486 00:23:53,999 --> 00:24:00,739 ♪♪ 487 00:24:00,739 --> 00:24:02,241 ♪ WELL IT WASN'T EASY 488 00:24:02,241 --> 00:24:03,275 SAYING BYE TO DAD 489 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:04,543 AND MY SON MUSTA 490 00:24:04,543 --> 00:24:06,045 HEARD ME CRY ♪ 491 00:24:06,045 --> 00:24:08,047 ♪ HE'S ONLY SIX YEARS OLD 492 00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:09,281 BUT HE'S GOT PAPPY'S 493 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:11,550 TWINKLE IN HIS EYE ♪ 494 00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:12,785 ♪ AND THE DARNDEST THING 495 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:14,253 YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE 496 00:24:14,253 --> 00:24:15,287 CAME FROM THE 497 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,790 MOUTH OF A CHILD ♪ 498 00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,058 ♪ HE SAID, DADDY, THERE'S 499 00:24:19,058 --> 00:24:22,261 SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY ♪ 500 00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:23,529 ♪ AND I SAID 501 00:24:23,529 --> 00:24:24,763 SHUT UP 502 00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:26,031 GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE ♪ 503 00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:27,266 ♪ WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] 504 00:24:27,266 --> 00:24:28,534 DO KIDS EVEN KNOW 505 00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:30,269 YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ♪ 506 00:24:30,269 --> 00:24:31,537 ♪ HALF OF THE TIME 507 00:24:31,537 --> 00:24:32,771 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW 508 00:24:32,771 --> 00:24:34,807 TO WIPE YOUR OWN BUTT ♪ 509 00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:35,808 ♪ TALKIN' BOUT DAD 510 00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:37,042 I KNOW A COOL SAYIN' ♪ 511 00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:38,277 ♪ NO YOU DON'T 512 00:24:38,277 --> 00:24:39,511 YOU MAYBE ONLY KNOW 513 00:24:39,511 --> 00:24:40,779 THE NAMES OF LIKE 30 514 00:24:40,779 --> 00:24:43,248 WEIRD POKEMON GUYS ♪ 515 00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:44,516 ♪ AND LIKE ONE [ BLEEP ] 516 00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:47,019 WAY TO DRAW A DOG ♪ 517 00:24:47,019 --> 00:24:48,020 >> JACK WHITE, HIT ‘EM WITH A 518 00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:49,288 GUITAR SOLO. 519 00:24:49,288 --> 00:24:54,893 ♪♪ 520 00:24:54,893 --> 00:24:56,662 ♪♪ 521 00:24:56,662 --> 00:25:01,700 >> WAIT, WAIT. 522 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:03,469 I FORGOT IT. 523 00:25:03,469 --> 00:25:04,770 I FORGOT THE [ BLEEP ] SOLO. 524 00:25:04,770 --> 00:25:05,537 ♪ DANG IT, WHAT WAS IT 525 00:25:05,537 --> 00:25:06,271 IT WAS SOMETHING 526 00:25:06,271 --> 00:25:07,773 REALLY COOL ♪ 527 00:25:07,773 --> 00:25:09,041 ♪ SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET 528 00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:10,809 AND SUCCINCT AND FOLKSY 529 00:25:10,809 --> 00:25:11,777 KIND OF SUMMED UP LIFE 530 00:25:11,777 --> 00:25:13,779 REAL QUICK ♪ 531 00:25:13,779 --> 00:25:14,546 ♪ GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT 532 00:25:14,546 --> 00:25:16,515 GOD DAMN IT ♪ 533 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,516 ♪ WAS ON THE TIP OF MY 534 00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,785 TONGUE BUT I FORGOT IT ♪ 535 00:25:19,785 --> 00:25:21,253 ♪ LIKE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH 536 00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:23,255 THE MEN IN BLACK THING 537 00:25:23,255 --> 00:25:24,523 WHATEVER THAT'S CALLED ♪ 538 00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,759 >> OH, I REMEMBER NOW! 539 00:25:26,759 --> 00:25:27,760 THE NEURALYZER. 540 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:28,527 THAT'S WHAT THE MEN IN BLACK 541 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,295 THING WAS CALLED. 542 00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:35,734 >> WE REMEMBERED! 543 00:25:35,734 --> 00:25:41,373 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 544 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:46,645 And I am excited for this self-defense class. Oh. Me too. 545 00:25:46,645 --> 00:25:50,249 I'm here because I need to turn my skill into technique. 546 00:25:50,249 --> 00:25:51,650 What do you mean? 547 00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:54,353 I've won every fight I've ever been in with no technique. 548 00:25:54,353 --> 00:25:57,990 I've just been spitting and pulling hair. 549 00:25:57,990 --> 00:25:59,391 I feel like I need technique. 550 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,593 Well, it's 4 p.m., so the teacher should be walking 551 00:26:01,593 --> 00:26:03,595 in any second through that door right there. 552 00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:09,601 Why? Oh. 553 00:26:11,203 --> 00:26:14,473 Yes. Rule number one of the Self-Defense force. 554 00:26:14,473 --> 00:26:17,576 Always be ready for the surprise that has come from the place. 555 00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:18,744 That was not the place 556 00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:22,247 of the opposite of what you thought it might be. 557 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:27,653 Yes. And now, everyone tell me your name, your age, 558 00:26:27,653 --> 00:26:29,855 and why you are here. 559 00:26:29,855 --> 00:26:34,860 Okay. Paul, 33. I have skill, but I lack technique. 560 00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:35,727 Welcome. 561 00:26:37,062 --> 00:26:38,530 Melanie 28. 562 00:26:38,530 --> 00:26:44,436 And I'd like to use my gun less. You going? Okay. 563 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,538 This is Fred. 35. 564 00:26:46,538 --> 00:26:49,842 I got a real mouth on me. 565 00:26:49,842 --> 00:26:52,578 Well, okay. Very good. 566 00:26:52,578 --> 00:26:55,948 Now, let us begin with the most important part of our practice, 567 00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:58,750 which is a stupid. 568 00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:00,853 Allow us to demonstrate this. 569 00:27:00,853 --> 00:27:02,788 Felonious attack me. 570 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,690 I thought stop, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, 571 00:27:04,690 --> 00:27:06,959 stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! 572 00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:07,793 Don't go to your house. 573 00:27:08,026 --> 00:27:11,396 I cannot get to my class. I going back to my house. 574 00:27:11,396 --> 00:27:16,235 I am. 575 00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:17,002 Very good. 576 00:27:17,069 --> 00:27:20,539 But there's no question to the class. 577 00:27:20,539 --> 00:27:23,575 If your attacker ban you to the floor 578 00:27:23,575 --> 00:27:28,580 and you cannot stop it, what do you do? 579 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:31,150 This could be wrong, but bite their balls. 580 00:27:32,684 --> 00:27:33,585 That's correct. 581 00:27:33,585 --> 00:27:35,954 When an attacker attack you, surprise you. 582 00:27:35,954 --> 00:27:41,660 They use their arm momentum against the arm. 583 00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:44,530 Okay. Redirect the attack 584 00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:48,033 by turning it into a different activator. 585 00:27:48,033 --> 00:27:51,837 Okay. Yeah. Pretty little girl. Attack me. 586 00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,972 It's tough. Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it! 587 00:27:53,972 --> 00:27:56,808 And now we are golfing. We are going to. 588 00:27:56,808 --> 00:27:58,844 You are going to fish. We like to go. 589 00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:00,312 You like golfing? Perfect. 590 00:28:00,312 --> 00:28:01,880 Go to your house. No, I got to do one also. 591 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,418 I think they are the weakest in the class. Attack me. 592 00:28:06,418 --> 00:28:08,453 It's got to be me. 593 00:28:08,453 --> 00:28:08,854 It's stupid. 594 00:28:09,221 --> 00:28:10,222 Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! 595 00:28:10,222 --> 00:28:15,194 Fight! Breaking! 596 00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:15,761 I'm sorry. 597 00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:18,630 How is this supposed to help us defend ourselves? 598 00:28:18,630 --> 00:28:23,702 Have you guys even fought? Yes. You big carrot. 599 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:24,236 Relax. 600 00:28:25,804 --> 00:28:28,173 I have a far too many time. 601 00:28:28,173 --> 00:28:31,076 I fought MMA in the UFC, 602 00:28:31,076 --> 00:28:37,049 and I have fought and stabbed in my penis. 603 00:28:38,150 --> 00:28:39,718 Well, if that makes you a fighter, 604 00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:42,254 I must be the heavyweight champ. 605 00:28:42,254 --> 00:28:44,923 All right. Okay, okay. 606 00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:46,825 Is this class my favorite show? 607 00:28:46,825 --> 00:28:52,798 Because this is ridiculousness. 608 00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:55,601 Big carrot. 609 00:28:55,601 --> 00:28:57,436 You don't believe in me. 610 00:28:57,436 --> 00:28:59,071 Do me a favor. Get up here. 611 00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:03,709 And I would like you to attempt to hit me in the. Oh my God. 612 00:29:03,709 --> 00:29:06,545 Oh my God. 613 00:29:06,545 --> 00:29:08,714 I think you got to do it. 614 00:29:08,714 --> 00:29:11,283 Get out! Get away from me! Go to the car. 615 00:29:11,283 --> 00:29:13,018 Go off! Get stabbed. 616 00:29:13,018 --> 00:29:15,120 I have I have a question. 617 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,290 Like, what if the attacker attacks you with a knife? 618 00:29:18,290 --> 00:29:20,525 I am afraid there is nothing you can do but die. 619 00:29:22,828 --> 00:29:23,428 Go to sleep. 620 00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:24,429 If this happened. 621 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:28,066 But if they come at you slowly, 622 00:29:28,066 --> 00:29:30,602 you can use the power of suggestion 623 00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,238 to get them to do something else. 624 00:29:33,238 --> 00:29:37,075 Okay? You beautiful boy! Attack me! Oh, okay. 625 00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,710 Hey! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! 626 00:29:38,710 --> 00:29:45,317 In an amazing phrase, the doctor said I would never sing again. 627 00:29:46,818 --> 00:29:49,021 Okay. I'm leaving. 628 00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:52,991 This class is B and in many ways s okay. 629 00:29:52,991 --> 00:29:53,692 You improve. 630 00:29:53,825 --> 00:29:56,762 This class works for our final lesson, 631 00:29:56,762 --> 00:29:58,797 we're gonna bring out the guest. 632 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:00,298 This is the toughest, 633 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:03,602 strongest, most badass student we ever trained. 634 00:30:03,602 --> 00:30:09,608 Please welcome Bone Crusher. 635 00:30:10,509 --> 00:30:11,843 Hello. 636 00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:15,380 I'm here to f you bitches up. Okay. 637 00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:19,217 Very good. Now, my pupils share what you have learned. 638 00:30:19,217 --> 00:30:24,656 A duck, It's. Stop it, stop it, stop it and stop it. Titanic. 639 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:28,860 Okay, please tell me there's a caterpillar in your pocket. 640 00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:29,061 Well. 641 00:30:29,227 --> 00:30:31,563 Lucky guess. 642 00:30:31,563 --> 00:30:37,769 Oh. Class dismissed 643 00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:54,052 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 644 00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:57,556 >>> THANKS FOR COMING OVER, 645 00:30:57,556 --> 00:30:57,856 GALS. 646 00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:58,190 >> YEAH! 647 00:30:58,557 --> 00:31:00,759 >> JEANNIE, I SEE WHY YOU WANTED 648 00:31:00,759 --> 00:31:02,828 TO REDO YOUR KITCHEN, IT'S SO 649 00:31:02,828 --> 00:31:03,128 DATED. 650 00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:04,996 WHEN DOES THE RENOVATION START? 651 00:31:04,996 --> 00:31:05,964 >> OH, WE DID IT LAST MONTH. 652 00:31:05,964 --> 00:31:08,700 [ LAUGHTER ] 653 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,737 >> AND IT'S AMAZING. 654 00:31:11,737 --> 00:31:13,372 >> WELL, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE 655 00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:14,606 WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS ALL THESE 656 00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:15,807 YEARS AND OUR HUSBANDS NEVER 657 00:31:15,807 --> 00:31:16,108 MET. 658 00:31:16,475 --> 00:31:16,975 >> YEAH, DO YOU THINK THEY'RE 659 00:31:17,142 --> 00:31:18,543 OKAY IN THE DEN, HANGING OUT 660 00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:19,077 WITHOUT US? 661 00:31:19,077 --> 00:31:20,612 >> OH, THEY'RE FINE. 662 00:31:20,612 --> 00:31:21,747 THEY'RE BIG BOYS. 663 00:31:21,747 --> 00:31:22,380 I'M SURE THEY'RE FINDING 664 00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,082 SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT. 665 00:31:24,082 --> 00:31:28,386 [ LAUGHTER ] 666 00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:33,058 >> SO -- UM -- 667 00:31:33,058 --> 00:31:37,062 >> YEAH. 668 00:31:37,062 --> 00:31:38,296 >> I -- UM -- NO. 669 00:31:38,296 --> 00:31:41,967 [ LAUGHTER ] 670 00:31:41,967 --> 00:31:44,736 >> AH -- RIGHT. 671 00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:47,873 >> WELL, TODAY I -- BLEH. 672 00:31:47,873 --> 00:31:50,742 [ LAUGHTER ] 673 00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:55,514 >> YOU KNOW, I LIKE -- UM -- I 674 00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:56,648 DON'T KNOW. 675 00:31:56,648 --> 00:31:57,048 [ LAUGHTER ] 676 00:31:57,048 --> 00:31:57,416 >> SAME. 677 00:31:57,416 --> 00:31:57,783 >> YEAH. 678 00:31:57,783 --> 00:32:02,187 >> YEAH. 679 00:32:02,187 --> 00:32:04,256 ♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON ♪ 680 00:32:04,256 --> 00:32:07,225 >> HUH. 681 00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:07,993 ♪ THERE WILL BE PEACE WHEN YOU 682 00:32:07,993 --> 00:32:10,495 ARE DONE ♪ 683 00:32:10,495 --> 00:32:13,198 >> HUH. 684 00:32:13,198 --> 00:32:16,468 ♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST ♪ 685 00:32:16,468 --> 00:32:18,937 ♪ DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪ 686 00:32:18,937 --> 00:32:24,843 HA! 687 00:32:24,843 --> 00:32:25,177 ♪♪ 688 00:32:25,177 --> 00:32:28,480 ♪♪ 689 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:29,714 [ LAUGHTER ] 690 00:32:29,714 --> 00:32:30,415 >> MAYBE I SHOULD GO CHECK ON 691 00:32:30,415 --> 00:32:30,949 THEM. 692 00:32:31,049 --> 00:32:31,616 >> I JUST HOPE THEY'RE NOT 693 00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:32,217 TALKING POLITICS. 694 00:32:32,317 --> 00:32:32,951 >> YEAH, THE LAST THING WE NEED 695 00:32:33,018 --> 00:32:33,685 IS THEM IN THERE YELLING AT EACH 696 00:32:33,685 --> 00:32:36,454 OTHER. 697 00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:37,222 ♪ ONCE I ROSE ABOVE THE NOISE 698 00:32:37,222 --> 00:32:39,958 AND CONFUSION ♪ 699 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:40,725 ♪ JUST TO GET A GLIMPSE BEYOND 700 00:32:40,725 --> 00:32:45,163 THIS ILLUSION ♪ 701 00:32:45,163 --> 00:32:46,198 ♪ I WAS SOARING EVER HIGHER BUT 702 00:32:46,198 --> 00:32:50,936 I FLEW TOO HIGH ♪ 703 00:32:50,936 --> 00:32:52,204 ♪ THOUGH MY EYES CAN SEE I STILL 704 00:32:52,204 --> 00:32:54,706 WAS A BLIND MAN ♪ 705 00:32:54,706 --> 00:32:55,941 ♪ THOUGH MY MIND COULD THINK I 706 00:32:55,941 --> 00:32:57,943 STILL WAS A MADMAN ♪ 707 00:32:57,943 --> 00:32:59,211 ♪ I HEAR THE VOICES WHEN I'M 708 00:32:59,211 --> 00:33:04,916 DREAMING ♪ 709 00:33:04,916 --> 00:33:08,153 ♪ I CAN HEAR THEM SAY ♪ 710 00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:10,121 >> IT'S JUST SO GOOD WE'RE DOING 711 00:33:10,121 --> 00:33:10,422 THIS. 712 00:33:10,722 --> 00:33:12,190 RANDY HAS NO MALE FRIENDS. 713 00:33:12,190 --> 00:33:12,791 NO FRIENDS OF ANY KIND, 714 00:33:12,791 --> 00:33:16,194 ACTUALLY. 715 00:33:16,194 --> 00:33:20,532 ♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON ♪ 716 00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:21,566 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 717 00:33:21,566 --> 00:33:22,367 ♪ THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE 718 00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:23,301 DONE ♪ 719 00:33:23,301 --> 00:33:26,071 ♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST ♪ 720 00:33:26,071 --> 00:33:30,642 ♪ DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪ 721 00:33:30,642 --> 00:33:30,909 HA! 722 00:33:31,209 --> 00:33:35,146 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 723 00:33:35,146 --> 00:33:35,747 >> WOW. 724 00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:37,349 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ALL KNOW THIS 725 00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:37,649 SONG. 726 00:33:37,983 --> 00:33:38,316 >> I ACTUALLY DON'T, BUT MY 727 00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:38,783 MOUTH SEEMS TO. 728 00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:44,322 [ LAUGHTER ] 729 00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:44,656 ♪♪ 730 00:33:44,656 --> 00:33:47,692 ♪♪ 731 00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:50,195 [ LAUGHTER ] 732 00:33:50,195 --> 00:33:50,962 >> WE DON'T THINK THEY'RE UP TO 733 00:33:50,962 --> 00:33:51,963 NO GOOD, DO WE? 734 00:33:51,963 --> 00:33:52,664 >> I DON'T KNOW. 735 00:33:52,664 --> 00:33:53,431 IF YOU LEAVE GUYS ALONE TOO 736 00:33:53,431 --> 00:33:54,099 LONG, IT USUALLY TURNS INTO 737 00:33:54,099 --> 00:33:54,666 TROUBLE. 738 00:33:54,666 --> 00:33:58,169 >> WELL, NOW I'M WORRIED. 739 00:33:58,169 --> 00:33:58,937 ♪ ON A STORMY SEA OF MOVING 740 00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:01,940 EMOTION ♪ 741 00:34:01,940 --> 00:34:02,974 ♪ TOSSED ABOUT LIKE A SHIP ON 742 00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:07,245 THE OCEAN ♪ 743 00:34:07,245 --> 00:34:09,381 ♪ I SET A COURSE FOR WINDS OF 744 00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:10,081 FORTUNE BUT I HEAR THE VOICES 745 00:34:10,081 --> 00:34:13,118 SAY ♪ 746 00:34:13,118 --> 00:34:17,689 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 747 00:34:17,689 --> 00:34:18,056 >> SORRY. 748 00:34:18,156 --> 00:34:21,960 ARE THEY SINGING? 749 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:22,694 >> I WILL GIVE YOU $1 MILLION IF 750 00:34:22,694 --> 00:34:27,666 MY HUSBAND IS SINGING. 751 00:34:27,666 --> 00:34:28,366 >> OKAY, WE KNOW YOU'RE RICH. 752 00:34:28,366 --> 00:34:34,205 [ LAUGHTER ] 753 00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:34,940 >> I JUST MEANT HE DOESN'T HAVE 754 00:34:34,940 --> 00:34:39,711 A MUSICAL BONE IN HIS BODY. 755 00:34:39,711 --> 00:34:42,447 ♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON 756 00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:43,214 THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE 757 00:34:43,214 --> 00:34:44,749 DONE ♪ 758 00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:46,952 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 759 00:34:46,952 --> 00:34:47,719 ♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST 760 00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:53,024 DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪ 761 00:34:53,024 --> 00:34:58,129 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 762 00:34:58,129 --> 00:34:59,898 >> OKAY, ARE YOU GUYS -- WHAT? 763 00:34:59,898 --> 00:35:01,466 >> WHAT'S GOING ON? 764 00:35:01,466 --> 00:35:02,000 >> MY GOD. 765 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:06,204 >> WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE? 766 00:35:06,204 --> 00:35:06,838 ARE YOU GUYS SINGING AND 767 00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:08,440 DANCING? 768 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:09,941 >> DID YOU ALL WEAR ROCK 'N' 769 00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,709 ROLL JUMPSUITS IN CASE THIS 770 00:35:10,709 --> 00:35:11,943 HAPPENED? 771 00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:12,911 >> NO! 772 00:35:12,911 --> 00:35:17,749 >> MAYBE! 773 00:35:17,749 --> 00:35:18,350 >> WHY ARE YOU IN YOUR 774 00:35:18,350 --> 00:35:20,185 UNDERWEAR? 775 00:35:20,185 --> 00:35:20,919 >> I GOT EXCITED, AND I PULLED 776 00:35:20,919 --> 00:35:21,820 TOO HARD. 777 00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:32,897 [ LAUGHTER ] 778 00:35:32,897 --> 00:35:34,332 >> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS 779 00:35:34,332 --> 00:35:35,634 JUST THE CRAZIEST THING I'VE 780 00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:36,001 EVER SEEN. 781 00:35:36,001 --> 00:35:43,375 >> IS IT? 782 00:35:43,375 --> 00:35:45,644 ♪♪ 783 00:35:45,644 --> 00:35:52,617 ♪♪ 784 00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,902 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK 785 00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:11,703 WHITE! 786 00:36:11,703 --> 00:36:13,905 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 787 00:36:13,905 --> 00:36:14,239 ♪♪ 788 00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:24,916 ♪♪ 789 00:36:24,916 --> 00:36:25,250 ♪♪ 790 00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:33,158 ♪♪ 791 00:36:33,158 --> 00:36:36,694 ♪ LOOKS LIKE YOU STARTED 792 00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:37,429 SOMETHING THAT YOU 793 00:36:37,429 --> 00:36:46,404 CANNOT FINISH ♪ 794 00:36:46,404 --> 00:36:49,407 ♪ YEAH YOU STARTED 795 00:36:49,407 --> 00:36:50,175 SOMETHING THAT YOU 796 00:36:50,175 --> 00:36:56,915 CANNOT FINISH ♪ 797 00:36:56,915 --> 00:36:58,149 ♪ LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO 798 00:36:58,149 --> 00:36:58,917 BUY SOME MORE TIME 799 00:36:58,917 --> 00:36:59,918 I THINK YOU NEED 800 00:36:59,918 --> 00:37:05,657 A COUPLE MORE MINUTES ♪ 801 00:37:05,657 --> 00:37:08,193 ♪ WELL, I CAME TO YA 802 00:37:08,193 --> 00:37:09,427 ON THE BACK OF A 803 00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:16,668 TWISTER STORM ♪ 804 00:37:16,668 --> 00:37:18,169 ♪ I CAME TO YA 805 00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:19,137 ON THE BACK OF A 806 00:37:19,137 --> 00:37:26,411 TWISTER STORM ♪ 807 00:37:26,411 --> 00:37:27,412 ♪ YOU KNOW I GOT SOMETHING 808 00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:28,913 UP MY SLEEVE 809 00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,182 I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO 810 00:37:31,182 --> 00:37:39,157 TRY TO TWIST MY ARM ♪ 811 00:37:39,157 --> 00:37:39,657 ♪♪ 812 00:37:39,657 --> 00:37:40,425 ♪♪ 813 00:37:40,425 --> 00:38:01,146 ♪♪ 814 00:38:01,146 --> 00:38:01,646 ♪♪ 815 00:38:01,646 --> 00:38:02,147 ♪♪ 816 00:38:02,147 --> 00:38:07,886 ♪♪ 817 00:38:07,886 --> 00:38:10,155 ♪ I GOT A BRAND NEW TRUCK 818 00:38:10,155 --> 00:38:17,395 THREE TONE, CUSTOM MADE ♪ 819 00:38:17,395 --> 00:38:20,665 ♪ I GOT A BRAND NEW TRUCK 820 00:38:20,665 --> 00:38:25,904 THREE TONE, CUSTOM MADE ♪ 821 00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:27,438 ♪ AND I THINK THAT'S 822 00:38:27,438 --> 00:38:30,675 KIND OF FUNNY 823 00:38:30,675 --> 00:38:35,914 FOR A MAN WHO NEVER 824 00:38:35,914 --> 00:38:39,417 MADE THE GRADE ♪ 825 00:38:39,417 --> 00:38:40,151 ♪♪ 826 00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:40,919 ♪♪ 827 00:38:40,919 --> 00:38:53,431 ♪♪ 828 00:38:53,431 --> 00:38:53,898 ♪♪ 829 00:38:53,898 --> 00:38:54,666 ♪♪ 830 00:38:54,666 --> 00:39:07,912 ♪♪ 831 00:39:07,912 --> 00:39:08,913 ♪♪ 832 00:39:08,913 --> 00:39:09,681 ♪♪ 833 00:39:09,681 --> 00:39:26,264 ♪♪ 834 00:39:26,264 --> 00:39:27,765 ♪ I DON'T START NOTHING ♪ 835 00:39:27,765 --> 00:39:29,300 ♪ NOTHING THAT I 836 00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:35,974 CANNOT FINISH 837 00:39:35,974 --> 00:39:37,775 YEAH ♪ 838 00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:38,509 ♪ I DON'T START NOTHING 839 00:39:38,509 --> 00:39:39,244 NOTHING THAT I 840 00:39:39,244 --> 00:39:44,749 CANNOT FINISH ♪ 841 00:39:44,749 --> 00:39:45,750 ♪ OH BUT WHAT I DO 842 00:39:45,750 --> 00:39:46,517 AND HOW I DO 843 00:39:46,517 --> 00:39:47,752 AND WHY I DO IT ♪ 844 00:39:47,752 --> 00:39:53,925 ♪ IT'S ALL NONE OF 845 00:39:53,925 --> 00:39:54,425 YOUR BUSINESS ♪ 846 00:39:54,425 --> 00:39:54,759 ♪♪ 847 00:39:54,759 --> 00:39:57,362 ♪♪ 848 00:39:57,362 --> 00:39:59,697 ♪♪ 849 00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:11,643 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 850 00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:26,257 It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. 851 00:40:32,230 --> 00:40:33,765 Thank you very much. 852 00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:35,033 Thank you. Good evening everyone. 853 00:40:35,033 --> 00:40:40,338 Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. 854 00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:42,040 President Trump addressed the nation 855 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,376 about the war with Iran and threatened to, quote, 856 00:40:45,376 --> 00:40:48,780 bring them back to the Stone age where they belong. 857 00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:55,219 And in the spirit of Easter, let me just say, Jesus Christ. 858 00:40:55,219 --> 00:40:57,322 President Trump's speech on the war in Iran 859 00:40:57,322 --> 00:41:00,825 interrupted the finale of The Masked Singer. 860 00:41:00,825 --> 00:41:02,560 And it's really too bad, because Trump 861 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:03,861 would have found out that cat, 862 00:41:03,861 --> 00:41:09,867 which was revealed to be the new Ayatollah. 863 00:41:09,901 --> 00:41:13,104 In his speech, President Trump referred to the war in Iran 864 00:41:13,104 --> 00:41:14,572 as the little journey 865 00:41:14,572 --> 00:41:19,844 because little journeys are all anyone can afford to take. Now. 866 00:41:19,844 --> 00:41:21,579 President Trump said in his speech 867 00:41:21,579 --> 00:41:25,383 that the Strait of Hormuz would open up naturally, 868 00:41:25,383 --> 00:41:26,584 but if it doesn't, 869 00:41:26,584 --> 00:41:28,853 the Marines will deploy a little bit of spit. 870 00:41:34,759 --> 00:41:38,663 On. This. 871 00:41:38,663 --> 00:41:39,831 This week. 872 00:41:39,831 --> 00:41:41,933 This week, Attorney General Pam Bondi 873 00:41:41,933 --> 00:41:46,604 was asked to redact herself from her job. 874 00:41:46,604 --> 00:41:48,639 President Trump reportedly fired Bondi 875 00:41:48,639 --> 00:41:50,975 over her handling of the Epstein files 876 00:41:50,975 --> 00:41:53,144 because the only person Trump has ever trusted 877 00:41:53,144 --> 00:41:56,147 to handle the Epstein situation is a prison guard. 878 00:41:56,147 --> 00:42:03,354 With the cameras off. 879 00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,957 Also. 880 00:42:05,957 --> 00:42:07,492 Also, I kind of understand. 881 00:42:07,492 --> 00:42:09,727 I mean, if I was Trump, I'd be mad too. 882 00:42:09,727 --> 00:42:11,062 If someone took a Sharpie 883 00:42:11,062 --> 00:42:17,168 and drew all over my favorite memories. 884 00:42:17,168 --> 00:42:19,337 Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, 885 00:42:19,337 --> 00:42:22,540 seen here demoting a black general, 886 00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:26,711 said this week, said this week that an airman told him 887 00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:30,181 the only thing they need in Iran is bigger bombs. 888 00:42:30,181 --> 00:42:30,982 Got you covered. 889 00:42:30,982 --> 00:42:36,988 How about Kristi Noem, husband? 890 00:42:38,523 --> 00:42:40,992 J.D. Vance J.D. 891 00:42:40,992 --> 00:42:44,695 Vance is releasing a book about his conversion to Catholicism. 892 00:42:44,695 --> 00:42:46,998 The Catholic Church is calling it somehow 893 00:42:46,998 --> 00:42:49,100 the worst publicity we've ever had. 894 00:42:52,336 --> 00:42:55,139 After reaching orbit, Artemis two astronaut 895 00:42:55,139 --> 00:42:58,876 Victor Glover sent a message back to Earth saying, trust us. 896 00:42:58,876 --> 00:43:02,013 You look amazing. You look beautiful. Yeah. 897 00:43:02,013 --> 00:43:08,019 Leave it to the black astronaut to catcall the entire planet. 898 00:43:09,821 --> 00:43:10,822 According. 899 00:43:10,888 --> 00:43:13,357 According to reports, Iranian hackers are launching 900 00:43:13,357 --> 00:43:15,092 sophisticated cyberattacks 901 00:43:15,092 --> 00:43:17,662 on hospitals and health care organizations. 902 00:43:17,662 --> 00:43:18,830 But the joke's on them. 903 00:43:18,830 --> 00:43:20,231 Because our health care system 904 00:43:20,231 --> 00:43:24,836 is so busted that nobody noticed. 905 00:43:24,836 --> 00:43:28,339 President Trump posted plans for his presidential library 906 00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:29,307 in Miami, 907 00:43:29,307 --> 00:43:31,776 which would be a massive golden skyscraper 908 00:43:31,776 --> 00:43:35,213 with a golden escalator and a golden statue of Trump. 909 00:43:35,213 --> 00:43:39,350 As predicted in the Book of Revelation. 910 00:43:39,350 --> 00:43:40,551 President Trump attended 911 00:43:40,551 --> 00:43:43,287 the opening night of Chicago at the Kennedy Center, 912 00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:44,789 and I think that's cool 913 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,724 that the president is going to the theater. 914 00:43:46,724 --> 00:43:48,426 I mean, what's the worst that can happen? 915 00:43:56,801 --> 00:43:58,302 Oh, really? 916 00:43:58,302 --> 00:43:59,270 A top 917 00:43:59,270 --> 00:44:01,806 FEMA official revealed in an interview 918 00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:05,977 that he once mysteriously teleported to a waffle House 919 00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:08,346 50 miles away, 920 00:44:08,346 --> 00:44:14,285 which is a phenomenon better known as drunk driving. 921 00:44:14,285 --> 00:44:17,889 It was reported that the husband of former DHS Secretary 922 00:44:17,889 --> 00:44:18,990 Christie, known, 923 00:44:18,990 --> 00:44:20,992 has been chatting with women online 924 00:44:20,992 --> 00:44:23,594 while wearing gigantic inflatable boobs 925 00:44:23,594 --> 00:44:26,063 as part of a bimbo fetish. 926 00:44:26,063 --> 00:44:32,069 Here to comment is Kristi Noem husband. 927 00:44:44,549 --> 00:44:46,984 Hello everyone. 928 00:44:46,984 --> 00:44:49,120 Hello, Michael. 929 00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:51,522 Hey, man, 930 00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:55,226 what? 931 00:44:55,226 --> 00:44:56,661 What? 932 00:44:56,661 --> 00:44:57,495 Yeah. 933 00:44:57,795 --> 00:45:01,699 Hey hey hey hey hey hey. Yeah. Hey, Michael. How are you? 934 00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:03,568 My eyes are up here. 935 00:45:03,568 --> 00:45:08,539 My nipples are out here. 936 00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:08,739 Yeah. 937 00:45:09,173 --> 00:45:10,942 Something on your mind, bud? 938 00:45:10,942 --> 00:45:14,712 Care to share? I didn't say anything. 939 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:16,547 Good. 940 00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:19,350 Good, good. 941 00:45:19,350 --> 00:45:21,552 Because I dare you all. 942 00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:24,388 I dare you all to find one thing 943 00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:28,192 that's comical about this whole situation. 944 00:45:28,192 --> 00:45:33,164 I dare it, I dare you, I dare you to make a joke about my big, 945 00:45:33,164 --> 00:45:35,800 beautiful balloon breasts. 946 00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:37,768 I dare you. Michael. Hey. 947 00:45:37,768 --> 00:45:38,803 Hey, Michael. 948 00:45:38,803 --> 00:45:42,073 And dare you to kink shame me on national 949 00:45:42,073 --> 00:45:44,675 TV about my insane clown. 950 00:45:44,675 --> 00:45:49,981 Juggalos and tiny teeny little pink bike shorts. 951 00:45:49,981 --> 00:45:51,782 I'm not mad. I got nothing to say. 952 00:45:51,782 --> 00:45:57,788 God, that's all also about you audience, Anything to say? 953 00:45:57,822 --> 00:46:01,959 Anything? Yeah. Come. Be quiet. 954 00:46:01,959 --> 00:46:03,060 Got anything to say? 955 00:46:03,060 --> 00:46:03,494 Liberal. 956 00:46:03,961 --> 00:46:09,634 New York, about a conservative man's bold. 957 00:46:09,634 --> 00:46:11,235 Exactly, I thought so. 958 00:46:11,235 --> 00:46:14,338 Hey, cue cards and cue card, guys. 959 00:46:14,338 --> 00:46:22,780 You have anything to say about my bimbo business? 960 00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:23,848 Exactly. 961 00:46:23,848 --> 00:46:26,851 I thought so, and Lorne, Lorne Michaels. 962 00:46:26,851 --> 00:46:32,857 Care to comment on my big Chumbawamba? 963 00:46:34,759 --> 00:46:37,395 What about my wife, Kristi Noem? 964 00:46:37,395 --> 00:46:42,266 Anything to add about my sweater? Puppies. 965 00:46:42,266 --> 00:46:46,904 Did someone say puppies? 966 00:46:46,904 --> 00:46:48,706 Right. Oh, right. 967 00:46:48,706 --> 00:46:57,515 I wonder if the dog Christy shot has anything to say. Oh. 968 00:46:57,515 --> 00:46:58,549 Good boy. 969 00:46:58,549 --> 00:47:02,953 And you, la roach. 970 00:47:02,953 --> 00:47:05,756 Mama, you need to snatch that waist in 971 00:47:05,756 --> 00:47:10,895 and turn them things out. Shoulders back. Bussy forward. 972 00:47:10,895 --> 00:47:12,430 Because you thought you ate. 973 00:47:12,430 --> 00:47:18,436 But you are RCMP, not the one hunty. 974 00:47:21,405 --> 00:47:22,673 Oh, I knew Colin. 975 00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,710 You got a little smile all over your face. 976 00:47:25,710 --> 00:47:26,711 Got a little grin. 977 00:47:26,711 --> 00:47:32,149 Want to say anything about my Party City poppers? 978 00:47:32,149 --> 00:47:33,951 No. Absolutely not. 979 00:47:33,951 --> 00:47:36,554 I don't want to say anything, but if I did, 980 00:47:36,554 --> 00:47:42,360 it would probably be something like, no, no, no no no no. 981 00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:46,197 Great work. 982 00:47:46,197 --> 00:47:48,199 Awesome. Just awesome. 983 00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:52,036 I hope you're all enjoying yourselves here in ma'am Danny's 984 00:47:52,036 --> 00:47:54,171 New York. 985 00:47:54,171 --> 00:47:56,707 Listen, look, look, this this whole thing is 986 00:47:56,707 --> 00:48:01,612 just fun for us because your wife is so awful. 987 00:48:01,612 --> 00:48:04,014 Oh, I know right? 988 00:48:04,014 --> 00:48:05,549 Hey, Che 989 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:08,052 Want a touch em? 990 00:48:08,052 --> 00:48:11,522 You know, I wanna touch. 991 00:48:11,522 --> 00:48:13,491 Oh, a real move. 992 00:48:13,491 --> 00:48:14,992 Kristin Neom█s husband. 993 00:48:14,992 --> 00:48:20,965 Anyone want one? 994 00:48:26,937 --> 00:48:29,073 Candy maker Reese's announced 995 00:48:29,073 --> 00:48:31,509 that after complaints from its founders grandson, 996 00:48:31,509 --> 00:48:33,210 it will return to using chocolate 997 00:48:33,210 --> 00:48:35,746 instead of a chocolate compound coating. 998 00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,882 Not to be outdone, the grandson of the peeps 999 00:48:37,882 --> 00:48:43,854 founder wants to go back to real skin. 1000 00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:46,791 New Jersey officials are warning residents to secure 1001 00:48:46,791 --> 00:48:48,626 garbage cans as black bears 1002 00:48:48,626 --> 00:48:51,228 come out of hibernation looking for food. 1003 00:48:51,228 --> 00:48:52,229 New Jersey. 1004 00:48:52,229 --> 00:48:58,235 No one steals our precious garbage, 1005 00:48:58,402 --> 00:49:00,771 Tiger woods was arrested for a DUI 1006 00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:03,073 after a rollover crash in Florida. 1007 00:49:03,073 --> 00:49:05,209 Tiger said he was disappointed in himself 1008 00:49:05,209 --> 00:49:11,182 because he just missed the green. 1009 00:49:11,649 --> 00:49:13,851 The women's college basketball title game 1010 00:49:13,851 --> 00:49:17,288 will be held tomorrow between UCLA and South Carolina. 1011 00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:20,391 And no matter who wins, I hope that every one of those 1012 00:49:20,391 --> 00:49:22,960 amazing athletes find a good husband. 1013 00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:32,269 Wins the show. 1014 00:49:32,369 --> 00:49:35,005 Is it tomorrow? Tomorrow we go. 1015 00:49:35,005 --> 00:49:37,208 Pizza Hut and Canada is celebrating 1016 00:49:37,208 --> 00:49:38,742 the start of baseball season 1017 00:49:38,742 --> 00:49:42,213 with a new hot dog stuffed crust pizza. 1018 00:49:42,213 --> 00:49:43,247 Hey, Canada! 1019 00:49:43,247 --> 00:49:49,220 Our culture is not your costume. 1020 00:49:50,721 --> 00:49:53,958 Sugar, the first dog inducted into the Surfers 1021 00:49:53,958 --> 00:49:57,261 Hall of Fame, has died at the age of 16. 1022 00:49:57,261 --> 00:50:03,267 Sugar was known for her famous catchphrase, oh! 1023 00:50:06,270 --> 00:50:12,276 She didn't like surf. 1024 00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:15,079 Today, in case you didn't know, is National 1025 00:50:15,079 --> 00:50:17,615 Love Our Children Day, which is traditionally 1026 00:50:17,615 --> 00:50:23,621 celebrated 500 yards away from school property. 1027 00:50:24,188 --> 00:50:27,024 Experts have found that strong glute muscles 1028 00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:29,760 can increase a person's lifespan, 1029 00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:35,766 but also drain her brothers bank account. 1030 00:50:37,134 --> 00:50:40,004 I am a fool and 1031 00:50:40,004 --> 00:50:43,207 archeologists have discovered 12,000 year old dice 1032 00:50:43,207 --> 00:50:44,875 that they believe Native Americans 1033 00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:47,344 use for gambling. The dig was funded 1034 00:50:47,344 --> 00:50:49,914 by the Institute of Harmful Stereotypes. 1035 00:50:53,484 --> 00:50:56,387 Scientists in Spain are saying that they have discovered 1036 00:50:56,387 --> 00:51:02,359 the male G-spot seen here. 1037 00:51:06,030 --> 00:51:06,263 Yeah. 1038 00:51:06,864 --> 00:51:08,499 Beautiful. Yeah, it's really beautiful. 1039 00:51:08,499 --> 00:51:10,000 The trailer 1040 00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,370 for the trailer for the upcoming HBO Harry Potter 1041 00:51:13,370 --> 00:51:15,472 series just dropped, giving a new spin 1042 00:51:15,472 --> 00:51:17,508 on the franchise's iconic characters. 1043 00:51:17,508 --> 00:51:19,543 Some fans are especially surprised this time 1044 00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:22,079 Professor Snape will be played by a black actor. 1045 00:51:22,079 --> 00:51:28,085 Here to comment is Professor Snape. 1046 00:51:29,987 --> 00:51:31,789 Good evening, Mr. 1047 00:51:31,789 --> 00:51:35,025 Jones. Well, hello Professor Snape. 1048 00:51:35,025 --> 00:51:38,696 Now play it all tied up. 1049 00:51:38,696 --> 00:51:39,863 It's called code switching. 1050 00:51:39,863 --> 00:51:43,033 Code him? Yes. 1051 00:51:43,033 --> 00:51:45,769 All right. Well, how is your year at Hogwarts? 1052 00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:47,471 Not great. 1053 00:51:47,471 --> 00:51:48,439 We got this new kid 1054 00:51:48,439 --> 00:51:52,176 who's name Harry Potter, and he's racist as hell. 1055 00:51:52,176 --> 00:51:54,044 Wait a second. Harry Potter is racist. 1056 00:51:54,044 --> 00:51:56,580 Yes. Harry Potter or the Proud Boys 1057 00:51:56,580 --> 00:51:59,850 who lived, spent the whole year telling everybody 1058 00:51:59,850 --> 00:52:03,287 that the school's only black teacher was secretly evil. 1059 00:52:06,090 --> 00:52:07,891 I think he's just worried because he knows someone's 1060 00:52:07,891 --> 00:52:09,860 trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. 1061 00:52:09,860 --> 00:52:13,464 So somebody stole something. 1062 00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,534 And the number one suspect is Black Snape. 1063 00:52:17,534 --> 00:52:20,204 He didn't even look in the direction of the white guy. 1064 00:52:20,204 --> 00:52:21,038 The turban. 1065 00:52:21,472 --> 00:52:27,611 So the picture, he's got Wizard hidden on the back of his head. 1066 00:52:27,611 --> 00:52:28,612 I'm really sorry that 1067 00:52:28,779 --> 00:52:31,615 you just jump to conclusions like that, you know? All good. 1068 00:52:31,615 --> 00:52:33,217 It happens all the time. 1069 00:52:33,217 --> 00:52:34,385 I saw the Hogwarts, 1070 00:52:34,385 --> 00:52:36,286 and the first day they looked at me and said. 1071 00:52:36,286 --> 00:52:40,591 You're the professor of the dark arts. 1072 00:52:40,591 --> 00:52:41,859 That's not. That's not great. 1073 00:52:41,859 --> 00:52:44,561 You telling me I never even study that? 1074 00:52:44,561 --> 00:52:48,932 I majored in African Muggle Studies. 1075 00:52:48,932 --> 00:52:51,635 Look, the whole wizarding world is racist. 1076 00:52:51,635 --> 00:52:54,204 There's one other black guy, Kingsley Shackle. 1077 00:52:54,204 --> 00:52:56,206 Both a name, I'm guessing to get out of 1078 00:52:56,206 --> 00:52:59,777 the Wu-Tang name generator. 1079 00:52:59,777 --> 00:53:01,078 Yeah, but look, Kingsley is 1080 00:53:01,078 --> 00:53:02,980 an important member of the order of the Phoenix. 1081 00:53:02,980 --> 00:53:07,317 Okay, the way he looked like this. 1082 00:53:07,317 --> 00:53:09,787 Everyone gets to wear these dignified robes, 1083 00:53:09,787 --> 00:53:11,688 but it just seems like he said cocoa butter 1084 00:53:11,688 --> 00:53:15,359 incense outside of a barbershop. 1085 00:53:15,359 --> 00:53:17,861 I don't know, it's kind of a cool outfit, right? 1086 00:53:17,861 --> 00:53:21,031 Yeah, for a Haitian cabdriver. 1087 00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:23,067 And why they got to put shackle in his name? 1088 00:53:23,067 --> 00:53:25,002 That's crazy, man. 1089 00:53:25,002 --> 00:53:28,305 Shaquille. 1090 00:53:28,305 --> 00:53:30,607 Chuckle. 1091 00:53:30,607 --> 00:53:31,375 All right. Yes. 1092 00:53:31,375 --> 00:53:32,810 Well, for the very first time, I'm 1093 00:53:32,810 --> 00:53:38,382 starting to think that JK Rowling might be problematic. 1094 00:53:38,382 --> 00:53:42,252 Okay, but the old ways, in a way, I just messed up. 1095 00:53:42,252 --> 00:53:45,689 We have magic, we have wands that can do anything. 1096 00:53:45,689 --> 00:53:49,426 And people in my world still have slaves. 1097 00:53:49,426 --> 00:53:53,530 Well, they're called house elves. Yes, I got house ill. 1098 00:53:53,530 --> 00:53:57,201 I bet you didn't know they got field elves to. 1099 00:53:57,201 --> 00:53:58,402 They didn't put that in the book. 1100 00:53:58,402 --> 00:54:00,804 Long calling. 1101 00:54:00,804 --> 00:54:01,438 They didn't. 1102 00:54:01,672 --> 00:54:03,040 And I would know because I've read every 1103 00:54:03,040 --> 00:54:08,812 Harry Potter book hundreds of times. Nerd. 1104 00:54:08,812 --> 00:54:12,649 But I do have one final thing I'd like to say to Harry Potter. 1105 00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:16,086 To Harry Potter? What's that? What? 1106 00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:18,989 I'm with thick as hell, though. 1107 00:54:18,989 --> 00:54:21,091 I miss her so much. 1108 00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:24,294 Black Snape. Everyone who can't come back. 1109 00:54:24,294 --> 00:54:26,230 For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jost. 1110 00:54:26,230 --> 00:54:29,133 I'm Michael Che, Goodnight! 1111 00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,962 Spartans. 1112 00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:02,699 Oh! Oh. Oh. 1113 00:55:02,699 --> 00:55:04,334 Nice. 1114 00:55:04,334 --> 00:55:06,837 Today we march through the hot gates 1115 00:55:06,837 --> 00:55:09,673 to face the full marks of the Persian Empire. 1116 00:55:09,673 --> 00:55:11,909 However, the oracle decrees 1117 00:55:11,909 --> 00:55:14,745 that I may only take 300 of you with me. 1118 00:55:14,745 --> 00:55:19,249 And unfortunately, there are 301 Spartans here. 1119 00:55:19,249 --> 00:55:23,287 Which means one of you will have to stay back. 1120 00:55:23,287 --> 00:55:26,690 Sucks for that guy. 1121 00:55:26,690 --> 00:55:29,259 This is going to be such a big, important battle. 1122 00:55:29,259 --> 00:55:32,863 Everything on the line. Awesome. Quick question. 1123 00:55:32,863 --> 00:55:35,566 Is anyone else having an issue with their chest piece? 1124 00:55:35,566 --> 00:55:38,969 I think mine maybe I got a woman small. 1125 00:55:38,969 --> 00:55:41,038 They don't make armor for women. 1126 00:55:41,038 --> 00:55:44,942 Ooh! Sexist. Spartans, please. 1127 00:55:44,942 --> 00:55:48,545 A billion warriors from the Persian Empire descend upon us. 1128 00:55:48,545 --> 00:55:51,782 It is said their arrows will blot out the sun. 1129 00:55:51,782 --> 00:55:57,354 Then we will fight in the shade. 1130 00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:00,958 Did you just come up with that? 1131 00:56:00,958 --> 00:56:03,193 Yeah. So good man. 1132 00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:04,828 So good. 1133 00:56:04,828 --> 00:56:07,064 So what? You chiseled that down? 1134 00:56:07,064 --> 00:56:08,498 God, I want to try one. 1135 00:56:08,498 --> 00:56:09,733 I think I'm going to be good at it. 1136 00:56:09,733 --> 00:56:13,737 Leon, can you set me up and I'll do a good line? 1137 00:56:13,737 --> 00:56:17,407 Fine. If it moves this alarm, it is, sir. 1138 00:56:17,407 --> 00:56:19,676 The Persian army has so many archers, 1139 00:56:19,676 --> 00:56:22,813 the arrows will blot out the sun. Good. 1140 00:56:22,813 --> 00:56:26,683 Because my family's got a history of skin cancer. 1141 00:56:26,683 --> 00:56:29,453 That's bad. 1142 00:56:29,453 --> 00:56:32,990 Can you. Okay, let's just move on. 1143 00:56:32,990 --> 00:56:35,826 As I said, there's 301 Spartans here. 1144 00:56:35,826 --> 00:56:39,663 So now I will choose the 300 who will be joining me? 1145 00:56:39,663 --> 00:56:42,165 Let's start with Lysander. 1146 00:56:42,165 --> 00:56:46,603 Good pack, good pack. He's a beast. That makes sense. 1147 00:56:46,603 --> 00:56:47,671 Do you? 1148 00:56:47,671 --> 00:56:50,607 I get that. I get that. He said the good line. 1149 00:56:50,607 --> 00:56:53,844 You got to reward that. So we got the brain. 1150 00:56:53,844 --> 00:56:57,881 We got the brawn. Now to the personality. Hyah! 1151 00:56:57,881 --> 00:57:00,751 Absolutely. And this one's a no brainer. 1152 00:57:00,751 --> 00:57:02,185 Ajax. 1153 00:57:02,185 --> 00:57:05,055 Ooh! Ha ha ha! 1154 00:57:05,055 --> 00:57:08,025 Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious. 1155 00:57:08,025 --> 00:57:10,093 Let's keep going. 1156 00:57:16,700 --> 00:57:17,567 Okay. 1157 00:57:17,567 --> 00:57:20,604 All right. Down to the last two. 1158 00:57:20,604 --> 00:57:26,243 This is really tough. How, 1159 00:57:26,243 --> 00:57:29,146 do I go with my brain? Do I go with my heart? 1160 00:57:29,146 --> 00:57:31,014 Because, honestly, the most saying the same thing. 1161 00:57:31,014 --> 00:57:35,986 It's tiny, tinios in your face. Bitch. 1162 00:57:39,690 --> 00:57:40,357 Thank you. 1163 00:57:40,357 --> 00:57:41,591 It's cool. 1164 00:57:41,591 --> 00:57:44,995 I'm really sorry. Got to go. Totally. Thank you for that. 1165 00:57:44,995 --> 00:57:47,364 Can I just ask why I wasn't chosen? 1166 00:57:47,364 --> 00:57:51,168 And don't hold back. I want to know so I can improve. 1167 00:57:51,168 --> 00:57:54,104 Okay. Well, you're too short, Too slow. 1168 00:57:54,104 --> 00:57:55,739 Oh. That's athletic. Fine. 1169 00:58:00,077 --> 00:58:01,078 You're a coward. 1170 00:58:01,078 --> 00:58:01,678 You stop. 1171 00:58:02,012 --> 00:58:03,980 You run. Weird, I hate you. You smell weird. 1172 00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:04,781 That's fair. 1173 00:58:04,781 --> 00:58:06,583 And then finally, you keep saying 1174 00:58:06,583 --> 00:58:08,652 you have a heart out at five. 1175 00:58:08,652 --> 00:58:13,223 Dinner is when dinner is. Well, we should be going. 1176 00:58:13,223 --> 00:58:15,926 Spartans! To our glorious death. 1177 00:58:15,926 --> 00:58:21,498 Oh! Oh! Oh! Nice. 1178 00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:25,435 Well, looks like it's just me and all the women of Sparta. 1179 00:58:44,221 --> 00:58:47,457 >>> ONCE AGAIN, JACK WHITE! 1180 00:58:47,457 --> 00:58:52,295 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1181 00:58:52,295 --> 00:58:52,629 ♪♪ 1182 00:58:52,629 --> 00:59:01,271 ♪♪ 1183 00:59:01,271 --> 00:59:05,742 ♪♪ 1184 00:59:05,742 --> 00:59:08,779 ♪ WELCOME TO THE 1185 00:59:08,779 --> 00:59:12,282 GARDEN OF EDEN 1186 00:59:12,282 --> 00:59:13,850 NOBODY HERE 1187 00:59:13,850 --> 00:59:14,851 BUT ME AND YOU ♪ 1188 00:59:14,851 --> 00:59:15,585 ♪ SO WHAT WE GONNA BE EATING 1189 00:59:15,585 --> 00:59:16,353 MICROPHONE CHECK 1190 00:59:16,353 --> 00:59:17,621 ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO ♪ 1191 00:59:17,621 --> 00:59:18,855 ♪ LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A 1192 00:59:18,855 --> 00:59:20,357 LITTLE PLACE TO DO THE 1193 00:59:20,357 --> 00:59:23,827 THINGS WE NEED TO DO NOW 1194 00:59:23,827 --> 00:59:24,895 AND IT'LL SOUND LIKE THIS ♪ 1195 00:59:24,895 --> 00:59:33,370 ♪♪ 1196 00:59:33,370 --> 00:59:34,371 ♪♪ 1197 00:59:34,371 --> 00:59:35,605 ♪ WELCOME TO THE END 1198 00:59:35,605 --> 00:59:41,344 OF THE WORLD ♪ 1199 00:59:41,344 --> 00:59:47,117 ♪ NOBODY LEFT BUT ONE BOY 1200 00:59:47,117 --> 00:59:47,884 AND ONE GIRL 1201 00:59:47,884 --> 00:59:48,618 AND ONE OTHER 1202 00:59:48,618 --> 00:59:49,352 BUT YOU KNOW ♪ 1203 00:59:49,352 --> 00:59:50,120 ♪ WE CAN'T LIVE LIKE 1204 00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:51,121 A SISTER AND A BROTHER 1205 00:59:51,121 --> 00:59:51,855 THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU 1206 00:59:51,855 --> 00:59:52,856 A MOTHER NOW ♪ 1207 00:59:52,856 --> 00:59:59,596 ♪♪ 1208 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:00,597 ♪ THE FIRST OF THE RIVERS 1209 01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:06,603 IS CALLED RIVER ROUGE ♪ 1210 01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:08,104 ♪ AND THE THIRD OF 1211 01:00:08,104 --> 01:00:08,839 THE RIVERS IS CALLED 1212 01:00:08,839 --> 01:00:09,606 THE STRAIT ♪ 1213 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,108 ♪ AND I GOTTA GET UP 1214 01:00:11,108 --> 01:00:12,108 GOTTA GET OUT ♪ 1215 01:00:12,108 --> 01:00:12,876 ♪ GOTTA FIND A WAY TO EAT 1216 01:00:12,876 --> 01:00:13,877 THE FRUIT FROM THE 1217 01:00:13,877 --> 01:00:20,617 TREE OF FATE ♪ 1218 01:00:20,617 --> 01:00:21,151 ♪ I BET IT TASTES 1219 01:00:21,151 --> 01:00:21,885 LIKE THIS ♪ 1220 01:00:21,885 --> 01:00:26,356 ♪♪ 1221 01:00:26,356 --> 01:00:27,124 ♪ AND DO WE EXIST 1222 01:00:27,124 --> 01:00:27,858 AND DO WE EVEN KNOW 1223 01:00:27,858 --> 01:00:28,625 ALL THE LITTLE THINGS LIKE ♪ 1224 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:29,626 ♪ WHERE WE CAME FROM 1225 01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:33,864 OR WHERE WE'RE GONNA GO 1226 01:00:33,864 --> 01:00:36,600 AND I FOR ONE AM 1227 01:00:36,600 --> 01:00:37,634 ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW BUT ♪ 1228 01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:39,870 ♪ SO WHAT, WHAT'S UP 1229 01:00:39,870 --> 01:00:42,138 JOIN THE CLUB NOW 1230 01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:42,873 IF YOU CAN ♪ 1231 01:00:42,873 --> 01:00:43,640 ♪ JOHNNY BEGOT SAM 1232 01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:44,608 POLLY BEGOT PAM 1233 01:00:44,608 --> 01:00:45,876 TELL ME NOW, DO WE GOT FAM ♪ 1234 01:00:45,876 --> 01:00:50,614 ♪ ONE BY ONE 1235 01:00:50,614 --> 01:00:51,114 EVERYONE MOVING ON 1236 01:00:51,114 --> 01:00:51,882 WITH THE PLAN ♪ 1237 01:00:51,882 --> 01:00:54,618 ♪♪ 1238 01:00:54,618 --> 01:00:57,087 ♪♪ 1239 01:00:57,087 --> 01:00:58,121 ♪ WATCH ME WALK 1240 01:00:58,121 --> 01:01:01,625 THEN I STROLL 1241 01:01:01,625 --> 01:01:04,861 AND IT'S YOUR 1242 01:01:04,861 --> 01:01:06,863 TELEPHONE TALK ♪ 1243 01:01:06,863 --> 01:01:07,597 ♪ THEN YOU SCROLL AND IT'S 1244 01:01:07,597 --> 01:01:08,365 WATCH ME ROCK 1245 01:01:08,365 --> 01:01:10,834 THEN I ROLL BABY ♪ 1246 01:01:10,834 --> 01:01:13,603 ♪ AND IT'S LET ME OUT 1247 01:01:13,603 --> 01:01:16,840 LET ME OUT 1248 01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:18,108 LET ME SHOUT, WOO ♪ 1249 01:01:18,108 --> 01:01:19,376 ♪ RIGHT FROM MY SOUL 1250 01:01:19,376 --> 01:01:20,110 WITH SALT AND COAL, AH 1251 01:01:20,110 --> 01:01:21,144 NOW LISTEN TO ME 1252 01:01:21,144 --> 01:01:21,878 ROLL WITH IT ♪ 1253 01:01:21,878 --> 01:01:27,350 ♪♪ 1254 01:01:27,350 --> 01:01:28,351 ♪ RING THAT BELL 1255 01:01:28,351 --> 01:01:31,354 THEN RING YOUR NECK ♪ 1256 01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:32,122 ♪ WRITE YOURSELF A 1257 01:01:32,122 --> 01:01:33,123 DIME NOVEL AND THEN 1258 01:01:33,123 --> 01:01:37,093 WRITE YOURSELF A CHECK ♪ 1259 01:01:37,093 --> 01:01:40,363 ♪ SEND YOURSELF TO HELL 1260 01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:43,633 IN A HAND BASKET 1261 01:01:43,633 --> 01:01:44,367 NOW WHAT THE HECK ♪ 1262 01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:45,101 ♪ I'M A PENNY DREADFUL AND 1263 01:01:45,101 --> 01:01:46,870 A FROZEN CHARLOTTE ♪ 1264 01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:49,606 ♪♪ 1265 01:01:49,606 --> 01:01:57,847 ♪♪ 1266 01:01:57,847 --> 01:01:59,349 ♪♪ 1267 01:01:59,349 --> 01:02:01,117 ♪ YEAH 1268 01:02:01,117 --> 01:02:02,118 WELL IT'S THE BEGINNING 1269 01:02:02,118 --> 01:02:04,554 OF THE WORLD NOW 1270 01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,589 AND THERE'S NOBODY LEFT ♪ 1271 01:02:05,589 --> 01:02:06,122 ♪ BUT ONE BOY AND 1272 01:02:06,122 --> 01:02:06,523 ONE GIRL NOW 1273 01:02:06,590 --> 01:02:07,023 LET'S START AGAIN 1274 01:02:07,157 --> 01:02:08,825 LET'S DO IT AGAIN NOW ♪ 1275 01:02:08,825 --> 01:02:09,392 ♪ LET'S START AGAIN 1276 01:02:09,492 --> 01:02:17,100 LET'S DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN ♪ 1277 01:02:17,100 --> 01:02:20,904 ♪♪ 1278 01:02:20,904 --> 01:02:33,083 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1279 01:02:42,325 --> 01:02:45,228 >>> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE IN! 1280 01:02:45,228 --> 01:02:46,496 LET SPRING BREAK BEGIN! 1281 01:02:46,496 --> 01:02:47,264 >> WHOO! 1282 01:02:47,264 --> 01:02:48,331 >> SPRING BREAK! 1283 01:02:48,331 --> 01:02:51,735 >> OH MY GOSH, THIS AIRBNB IS 1284 01:02:51,735 --> 01:02:52,102 MASSIVE. 1285 01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:52,836 >> YEAH, EVEN THE CLOSET, IT'S 1286 01:02:52,836 --> 01:02:54,537 HUGE. 1287 01:02:54,537 --> 01:02:56,006 >> KNOCK-KNOCK! 1288 01:02:56,006 --> 01:02:58,708 IT'S BOB, YOUR AIRBNB SUPER HOST 1289 01:02:58,708 --> 01:03:00,777 JUST POPPING IN TO SAY HI WITH 1290 01:03:00,777 --> 01:03:02,245 SOME HOMEMADE CROISSANTS. 1291 01:03:02,245 --> 01:03:03,780 >> OH, WOW! 1292 01:03:03,780 --> 01:03:06,916 >> NO WONDER YOU'RE A SUPER 1293 01:03:06,916 --> 01:03:07,217 HOST! 1294 01:03:07,517 --> 01:03:08,151 >> I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT. 1295 01:03:08,218 --> 01:03:09,486 >> AWESOME, YEAH, THANK YOU SO 1296 01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:12,288 MUCH, MAN. 1297 01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:13,823 THAT FRICKIN' ROCKS. 1298 01:03:13,823 --> 01:03:15,091 >> THAT'S MY MIDDLE NAME. 1299 01:03:15,091 --> 01:03:16,326 HAVE A GREAT, GREAT TIME. 1300 01:03:16,326 --> 01:03:16,826 GREAT TO SEE YOU. 1301 01:03:16,826 --> 01:03:19,262 AND PEACE AND LOVE. 1302 01:03:19,262 --> 01:03:19,663 [ LAUGHTER ] 1303 01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:20,263 >> OKAY, WHO'S HUNGRY? 1304 01:03:20,263 --> 01:03:25,935 BECAUSE -- WAIT. 1305 01:03:25,935 --> 01:03:27,704 DID HE JUST WALK INTO THE 1306 01:03:27,704 --> 01:03:28,071 CLOSET? 1307 01:03:28,071 --> 01:03:28,405 >> NO. 1308 01:03:28,405 --> 01:03:29,172 >> YES. 1309 01:03:29,172 --> 01:03:30,573 YEAH, THAT WAS A CLOSET. 1310 01:03:30,573 --> 01:03:31,908 I THINK HE JUST -- 1311 01:03:31,908 --> 01:03:32,575 >> REALLY? 1312 01:03:32,575 --> 01:03:33,943 >> WHY IS HE IN THE CLOSET? 1313 01:03:33,943 --> 01:03:35,178 >> DO SOMETHING. 1314 01:03:35,178 --> 01:03:35,512 >> GO. 1315 01:03:35,679 --> 01:03:39,683 >> ALL RIGHT, OKAY. 1316 01:03:39,683 --> 01:03:42,585 BOB? 1317 01:03:42,585 --> 01:03:42,852 BOB? 1318 01:03:42,852 --> 01:03:46,423 >> YEAH? 1319 01:03:46,423 --> 01:03:50,727 [ LAUGHTER ] 1320 01:03:50,727 --> 01:03:51,928 >> HEY! 1321 01:03:51,928 --> 01:03:52,629 >> HEY. 1322 01:03:52,629 --> 01:03:53,830 WE'RE JUST WONDERING IF MAYBE 1323 01:03:53,830 --> 01:03:56,866 YOU WERE STANDING IN THE ENCLOSE 1324 01:03:56,866 --> 01:03:57,200 IS SET. 1325 01:03:57,267 --> 01:03:58,001 >> OH, MY GOD. 1326 01:03:58,001 --> 01:03:58,501 BRAIN FART. 1327 01:03:58,568 --> 01:04:00,603 I REMODELED BACK IN '02. 1328 01:04:00,603 --> 01:04:01,338 NOW I'M ALWAYS LIKE, WHERE THE 1329 01:04:01,338 --> 01:04:05,241 HECK AM I? 1330 01:04:05,241 --> 01:04:06,443 NOT IN THE CLOSET TRYING TO GET 1331 01:04:06,443 --> 01:04:07,911 A SENSE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO 1332 01:04:07,911 --> 01:04:09,479 HANG OUT WITH A COOL GROUP OF 1333 01:04:09,479 --> 01:04:11,781 YOUNG FOLKS JUST LIVING UP AND 1334 01:04:11,781 --> 01:04:16,419 DOING THE EPIC RIFFS. 1335 01:04:16,419 --> 01:04:16,753 ♪♪ 1336 01:04:17,120 --> 01:04:18,888 >> YEAH, BOB, I THINK WE'D LIKE 1337 01:04:18,888 --> 01:04:19,723 SOME PRIVACY. 1338 01:04:19,723 --> 01:04:24,027 >> NO PROBLEMO, I WILL GET OUT 1339 01:04:24,027 --> 01:04:27,997 OF YOUR HAIR. 1340 01:04:27,997 --> 01:04:28,465 TA-TA FOR NOW! 1341 01:04:28,465 --> 01:04:28,898 AND I'M GONE. 1342 01:04:28,898 --> 01:04:30,300 >> BOB? 1343 01:04:30,300 --> 01:04:34,037 BOB? 1344 01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,372 >> WAZZUP! 1345 01:04:36,372 --> 01:04:36,773 [ LAUGHTER ] 1346 01:04:37,073 --> 01:04:38,742 >> PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE, MAN. 1347 01:04:38,742 --> 01:04:39,109 >> SORRY. 1348 01:04:39,342 --> 01:04:43,813 I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY CAR. 1349 01:04:43,813 --> 01:04:44,948 >> THAT CAN'T BE TRUE. 1350 01:04:44,948 --> 01:04:45,849 >> NO, IT'S NOT. 1351 01:04:45,849 --> 01:04:49,786 MY CAR IS RED. 1352 01:04:49,786 --> 01:04:50,186 [ LAUGHTER ] 1353 01:04:50,353 --> 01:04:51,454 >> BOB, CAN YOU GET OUT? 1354 01:04:51,454 --> 01:04:53,890 >> TOTALLY, TOTALLY, TOTALLY. 1355 01:04:53,890 --> 01:04:54,958 LOUD AND CLEAR. 1356 01:04:54,958 --> 01:04:55,792 BABE, WE'RE LEAVING. 1357 01:04:55,792 --> 01:04:56,259 >> BABE? 1358 01:04:56,259 --> 01:04:57,927 >> WAZZUM! 1359 01:04:57,927 --> 01:05:00,230 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1360 01:05:00,230 --> 01:05:00,697 >> OH, MY GOD. 1361 01:05:00,697 --> 01:05:02,966 >> WHAT THE HELL. 1362 01:05:02,966 --> 01:05:04,100 WHO IS THIS PERSON? 1363 01:05:04,100 --> 01:05:04,601 IS THAT YOUR WIFE? 1364 01:05:04,601 --> 01:05:04,934 >> NO. 1365 01:05:04,934 --> 01:05:11,608 >> NO! 1366 01:05:11,608 --> 01:05:13,209 SINCE HIS WIFE PASSED AWAY, 1367 01:05:13,209 --> 01:05:15,211 WE'VE BEEN FEELING THINGS OUT. 1368 01:05:15,211 --> 01:05:15,779 [ LAUGHTER ] 1369 01:05:15,912 --> 01:05:18,114 TWICE, ONE INSIDE, ONE OUTSIDE, 1370 01:05:18,114 --> 01:05:21,518 BOTH TERRIBLE. 1371 01:05:21,518 --> 01:05:21,918 [ LAUGHTER ] 1372 01:05:22,152 --> 01:05:23,853 >> WE'RE IN PERSON BUT NOT 1373 01:05:23,853 --> 01:05:24,621 POSTING ABOUT IT. 1374 01:05:24,621 --> 01:05:26,156 >> ANYBODY CAN'T TO GET 1375 01:05:26,156 --> 01:05:29,793 CHOCOLATE MUSHROOMS AND JUST -- 1376 01:05:29,793 --> 01:05:32,128 >> WE DON'T WANT TO DO -- YOU 1377 01:05:32,128 --> 01:05:33,329 TWO NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, 1378 01:05:33,329 --> 01:05:33,963 OKAY? 1379 01:05:34,030 --> 01:05:35,932 RIGHT NOW, OR EAR CANCELING THE 1380 01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:36,366 RESERVATION. 1381 01:05:36,633 --> 01:05:37,567 >> FINE, WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO 1382 01:05:37,567 --> 01:05:40,203 HANG OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE 1383 01:05:40,203 --> 01:05:44,007 RUDE DUDES WITH BAD TUDES. 1384 01:05:44,007 --> 01:05:46,009 >> I'M GOING TO MOISTURIZE. 1385 01:05:46,009 --> 01:05:47,143 >> YOU'RE NOT GETTING NONE OF 1386 01:05:47,143 --> 01:05:47,710 THIS MOISTURE, EITHER. 1387 01:05:47,710 --> 01:05:50,180 [ LAUGHTER ] 1388 01:05:50,180 --> 01:05:51,648 >> THE HANDLE'S ALL SLIPPERY. 1389 01:05:51,648 --> 01:05:53,716 >> OH-OH, THE DOORKNOB IS 1390 01:05:53,716 --> 01:05:54,484 SLIPPERY? 1391 01:05:54,484 --> 01:05:55,452 GUYS, WE CAN'T GET OUT. 1392 01:05:55,452 --> 01:05:57,921 >> OH, COME ON, JUST TWIST IT. 1393 01:05:57,921 --> 01:06:00,456 >> MAYBE IT NOTES MORE JERGENS. 1394 01:06:00,456 --> 01:06:02,392 >> YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH 1395 01:06:02,392 --> 01:06:02,926 JERGENS. 1396 01:06:02,926 --> 01:06:03,326 [ LAUGHTER ] 1397 01:06:03,626 --> 01:06:04,928 >> MAYBE WE NEED TO DOUBLE JER 1398 01:06:04,928 --> 01:06:05,261 GIVEN. 1399 01:06:05,328 --> 01:06:07,997 >> JERG IT UP. 1400 01:06:07,997 --> 01:06:09,432 >> BAD NEWS, GUYS. 1401 01:06:09,432 --> 01:06:10,867 I THINK THE JERGENS FROM HER 1402 01:06:10,867 --> 01:06:12,468 HAND TRANSFERRED ONTO THE KNOB. 1403 01:06:12,468 --> 01:06:12,902 OH, THANK YOU. 1404 01:06:12,902 --> 01:06:17,173 [ LAUGHTER ] 1405 01:06:17,173 --> 01:06:17,874 >> STOP. 1406 01:06:17,874 --> 01:06:18,174 STOP. 1407 01:06:18,274 --> 01:06:18,608 >> SLIPPERY. 1408 01:06:18,808 --> 01:06:19,576 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1409 01:06:19,576 --> 01:06:20,977 >> OH, GOD. 1410 01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:21,744 >> I CAN'T TELL WHOSE HANDS ARE 1411 01:06:21,744 --> 01:06:22,045 WHERE. 1412 01:06:22,111 --> 01:06:25,048 [ LAUGHTER ] 1413 01:06:25,048 --> 01:06:30,320 >> HAVE A BIT MORE JERG. 1414 01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,054 >> CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE JUST GET 1415 01:06:31,054 --> 01:06:31,321 OUT? 1416 01:06:31,387 --> 01:06:31,688 GET OUT. 1417 01:06:32,088 --> 01:06:32,589 >> WAIT A SECOND THERE MUST BE 1418 01:06:32,589 --> 01:06:33,022 SOME WAY OUT! 1419 01:06:33,022 --> 01:06:37,160 WE CAN'T GET OUT! 1420 01:06:37,160 --> 01:06:38,194 >> IT'S NOT FAIR. 1421 01:06:38,194 --> 01:06:39,562 >> NO, NO, NO! 1422 01:06:39,562 --> 01:06:40,129 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1423 01:06:40,129 --> 01:06:42,632 >> NO, NO! 1424 01:06:42,632 --> 01:06:47,237 [ LAUGHTER ] 1425 01:06:47,237 --> 01:06:54,277 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1426 01:06:54,277 --> 01:06:54,744 >> WHAT'S THAT? 1427 01:06:54,744 --> 01:06:56,546 >> STOP! 1428 01:06:56,546 --> 01:06:57,814 >> FINE, FINE. 1429 01:06:57,814 --> 01:07:00,750 IF YOU REALLY WANT TO -- STOP! 1430 01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:01,150 [ LAUGHTER ] 1431 01:07:01,150 --> 01:07:01,551 >> STOP IT. 1432 01:07:01,551 --> 01:07:03,152 >> STOP! 1433 01:07:03,152 --> 01:07:06,222 IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT, 1434 01:07:06,222 --> 01:07:07,557 YOU CAN STAY FOR 30 MINUTES 1435 01:07:07,557 --> 01:07:08,358 TOPS. 1436 01:07:08,358 --> 01:07:09,959 >> PARTY TIME! 1437 01:07:09,959 --> 01:07:11,361 >> NOW EVERYBODY SMILE FOR THE 1438 01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:12,896 CAMERAS. 1439 01:07:12,896 --> 01:07:14,264 >> CAMERAS? 1440 01:07:14,264 --> 01:07:21,004 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1441 01:07:27,677 --> 01:07:30,046 >>> THANKS TO JACK WHITE, JONAH 1442 01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:31,814 HILL, TINA FEY, CANDICE BERGEN, 1443 01:07:31,814 --> 01:07:32,882 MELISSA MCCARTHY 1444 01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:35,218 THIS IS THE BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD. THANK YOU LORNE 1445 01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:37,120 THIS CAST and CREW ARE THE BEST 1446 01:07:37,120 --> 01:07:38,187 I LOVE YOU!