1
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,135
<i>I was having a Sexy Soiree.</i>

2
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:45,465
<i>It's a multilevel marketing
home-based business that I do,</i>

3
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,473
<i>selling Lutheran-approved
sex toys to married ladies.</i>

4
00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:53,390
Wow, the excitement is palpable
with you ladies today.

5
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:56,146
You know, actually can you
hear me without the mic?

6
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,728
- Yeah, just sitting right here.
- I guess so. All right, okay.

7
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:02,858
All right, Sexy Soiree
is a Lutheran-based company.

8
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:05,284
These are Lutheran marital aids.

9
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:08,112
These products
are for marrieds only.

10
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,624
So little bit... and I got to
tell the truth here.

11
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,164
Pauline and I actually
don't use the products.

12
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,041
I was not even allowed
to look at the products.

13
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:20,501
I'm Sharon Solfest,
and this is my sister, Pauline.

14
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,840
I'm Pauline Solfest.

15
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,387
Well, you know,
this is the first time

16
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,009
in the history of
the Van Rookle's Farm Cook-off,

17
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:32,095
which started in 1945,
this is the first time

18
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:35,603
'there have ever been
two sisters, both finalists...

19
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,441
we don't like to say competing...

20
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,234
- because we're not competing.
- Because we're not competing.

21
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:41,779
We're... different categories.

22
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,026
And this is the fluffer whip.

23
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,237
Stop that, I'm not married.

24
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:49,370
My recipe is Easy One Cupboard
Death by Chocolate Pie.

25
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:51,410
<i>It's, well, very chocolaty.</i>

26
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,576
It starts off with a delicious
pre-prepared graham cracker,

27
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,205
chocolate graham cracker crust.

28
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,708
Then it has, like, a fondant,
like an icing.

29
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,126
- And...
- Smooth.

30
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,300
So smooth.
And then it's a mousse.

31
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,052
It's like a pudding/mousse
kind of a thing.

32
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:07,721
It's so good.
And then chocolate chips,

33
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,300
regular chocolate chips,
milk chocolate chips,

34
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,518
white chocolate chips,
and then candy.

35
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:13,640
Butterscotch chocolate chips.

36
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,266
The butterscotch
chocolate chips, thank you.

37
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:16,688
It'll give you a seizure.

38
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:18,816
This goes...

39
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:22,062
you know, pretty much any way
you would want it to go.

40
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,239
- Yeah.
- Do you need, like Novocain

41
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,450
or some kind of topical, uh,

42
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,781
- numbing agent to use that?
- I don't...

43
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,238
You know,
you're a medical professional

44
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:33,581
so you know more
about that than me.

45
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,286
<i>This is where I work,</i>

46
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,284
<i>at Golden Minutes
Senior Day Care.</i>

47
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,837
<i>And it's the most fun thing
in the world for me.</i>

48
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,456
<i>This is Mrs. Burris.</i>

49
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,257
<i>I couldn't find an orderly
all night!</i>

50
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,843
Where were the orderlies?
In your bedroom? Whore!

51
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,587
<i>I get paid
only eight hours a day,</i>

52
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,217
<i>but I stay for 14 sometimes</i>

53
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,593
<i>because I'm having
so much darn fun.</i>

54
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,133
<i>I'm a nutritionist.</i>

55
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:53,892
<i>I do mostly soft foods</i>

56
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,807
<i>because that's what
they can digest here.</i>

57
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,521
Hey, don't swallow
the whole spoon.

58
00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:58,772
Ah, put it in my...

59
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,350
crack a hole
and put it in there.

60
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,185
In vegetables,
no one enters hardly.

61
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,110
No one ever wins that.

62
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:06,940
I thought, "Well,
I'll enter my cream corn."

63
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:11,657
<i>It is cream corn
for the lactose intolerant.</i>

64
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,696
It's made with Ja' Mocha Mix,
which is...

65
00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:16,199
You know,
it's non-dairy creamer.

66
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:17,992
Right, cream corn,
non-dairy creamer.

67
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,668
Those that can't do it,
you know what happens

68
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:22,747
when you can't digest dairy.
That's a situation...

69
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:23,956
Well, you know, they have...

70
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,508
...that I would like to leave
for the third shift.

71
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,428
This is my life, you know.
I work here 14 hours a day.

72
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,005
I go home and take care
of my dad.

73
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,842
I don't have a lot of time.
I sure don't have a boyfriend.

74
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,727
So my fiancé,
Lars Hagerbakke and I,

75
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,521
are very much in love.

76
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:43,309
Um, we met at the
Blue Earth Community Theatre

77
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,736
<i>doing a production
of Guys and Dolls.</i>

78
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,740
I was adopted into
the Hagerbakke family.

79
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:52,990
Um, before that, I have vague
memories of my black family.

80
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:53,910
I remember...

81
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,280
I remember looking up
from what must have been a crib

82
00:06:56,583 --> 00:07:00,372
and just seeing darkness and
eyes smiling back down at me.

83
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:03,045
When I first saw Sharon,

84
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,336
I said, "There is a doll,

85
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:10,378
there is a living
and walking doll

86
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,589
with all the fluids
that people have inside,

87
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,216
but a doll on the outside."

88
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,510
He talks like that all the...
give me a kiss.

89
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,266
You are so romantic.
Give me that kiss.

90
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:23,691
That's good.

91
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:24,975
<i>We're probably the most</i>

92
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,061
<i>glamorous people in Blue Earth.</i>

93
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,729
I'm very, very Swedish.

94
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:29,734
- I mean...
- The most Swedish.

95
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,156
Actually, his mom, Ingalo,

96
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,323
always says, "You know what,

97
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,151
<i>Lars is the most Swedish</i>

98
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,406
<i>of everyone in our family."</i>

99
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,780
<i>He makes the foods...</i>

100
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,914
All the recipes.
The Söcker Kaka,

101
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:39,831
<i>- which is my favorite.
- Söcker Kaka,</i>

102
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:40,908
<i>which is our total favorite.</i>

103
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,413
<i>We love that so much.</i>

104
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,087
It's like, could you
get enough Söcker Kaka?

105
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,334
- No. No.
- I don't think so.

106
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,505
I could literally wake up

107
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,254
with Söcker Kaka in my mouth
and be happy,

108
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,300
- if I could.
- He'd be happy.

109
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,252
That's the way
he'd love to wake up.

110
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:52,795
Uh, Lars and I

111
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:56,348
have made
a commitment to chastity.

112
00:07:56,601 --> 00:08:00,265
We're chaste.
We are saving ourselves

113
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,436
for a covenantal marriage.

114
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:04,314
And we've been together,
it's not easy.

115
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:07,651
Can you describe
your physical life together?

116
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:18,117
Now this is the first year
that Van Pookle Farms

117
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:21,040
has offered
a million-dollar prize,

118
00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:22,583
which is pretty amazing.

119
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,207
Sh! Please...

120
00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,705
Keep it quiet because
I'm being interviewed.

121
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,879
The more Van Rookle Farms
ingredients you use

122
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,426
in your, um, in your dish,

123
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,923
the better chance
you have of winning.

124
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,921
So, for instance,
instead of using,

125
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,806
you know, like ground beef,

126
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:41,515
you could use Van Rookle Farms
imitation, um, meaty kernels,

127
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,304
and the great thing
about that is

128
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,307
that doesn't even need to be
refrigerated... ever.

129
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:50,774
So that's just... that's gonna
stay fresh wherever you...

130
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,402
you could be like, "Oh honey,
you dropped the meaty kernels."

131
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:54,402
It's like,
"Oh, just leave it there,

132
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,573
we'll get it later, it's fine."

133
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,155
So basically
what's going to happen

134
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,827
is that all 50 contestants

135
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,950
are going to come
pouring through that door,

136
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,704
and we've got contestants
from all over the nation.

137
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,749
One of everything.

138
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,294
It's like Noah's Ark
here at the cook-off.

139
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,417
Uh... women and this year,

140
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:12,546
<i>one man,
our first male contestant.</i>

141
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,843
And we've got
an African-American contestant

142
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,340
this year, finally.

143
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,593
And we...
Love to have her.

144
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,138
Happy to have her.
That's not an issue for us.

145
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,805
I don't know who it would be
an issue for.

146
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,234
And the Lord sayeth...

147
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:38,109
I dried up all the streams
of Egypt.

148
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,613
All the streams of Egypt.

149
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,410
Can I get an amen?

150
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,664
Honor thy mother and father,
says the Great Lord.

151
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:52,131
Now I like to honor my mother.

152
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:56,465
I'd like you all to know
that Sister Ladybug Briggs,

153
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,841
our very own
Sister Ladybug Briggs,

154
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:03,351
has just been chosen
as a finalist

155
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,391
in the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

156
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,306
Like manna from heaven,

157
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,562
her biscuits will deliver us.

158
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,235
Y'all know I can
make a biscuit.

159
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:16,814
The Lord delivered 5,000
with the loaves and fishes.

160
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:20,113
Well, she's about to deliver me.

161
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:23,196
My name is Ladybug Briggs.

162
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,497
The reason
they called me Ladybug

163
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,540
is because I love ladybugs.

164
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,710
Now I don't get the fingernails
with the Band-Aids on them

165
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,879
because these are weak,
and I'm using the Band-Aids

166
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:32,796
to hold them on.

167
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:36,300
I, uh, love ladybugs
'cause they bring me luck,

168
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,880
just like they're
going to bring me

169
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,337
for this cooking competition

170
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:43,049
on the... um...
for the Va...

171
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:45,555
What's the name?

172
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,847
It's, uh,
The Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

173
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,684
For the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

174
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,277
Now I have been, um, a cook

175
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,939
<i>since I was probably
around 12 years old.</i>

176
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,532
Markus, Markus,
you in the cameras, man.

177
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,193
Oh, all right.

178
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,113
I do karate if they looking for
somebody like that, just...

179
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:06,238
They ain't looking for nobod...

180
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:09,329
Well, they might be. You know,
that's my baby, Markus,

181
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,911
and if any of y'all need
somebody to do karate,

182
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:12,961
he's wonderful.

183
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:13,878
Yeah.

184
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,170
And I'm her eldest son,
Thaddeus Briggs.

185
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:20,298
- Yes, Thaddeus. This is my son.
- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.

186
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:23,051
- That's right.
- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.

187
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:26,930
But not only is he a reverend,
he's also...

188
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,808
um, what's the other thing
you do?

189
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,810
- I'm a lawyer, mama.
- A minister and a lawyer.

190
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,562
You're looking at the winner.

191
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,480
The million-dollar baby
right here.

192
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,316
- Mom?
- Yes, baby?

193
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,237
Check this out.

194
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,024
Check out my pivot foot.
It don't move.

195
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,994
- That's my favorite.
- Thank you, Leigh.

196
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,493
Maybe after we do this,
you can...

197
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,575
the people can get you
doing that on camera.

198
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,077
Oh yeah, that would be
good outside.

199
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,457
- That'd be good.
- Hey, baby.

200
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,707
Markus, Markus, go around front

201
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,042
and get them prophylactics

202
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,627
- mama bought you now.
- All right, mama.

203
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,134
<i>What's in my biscuit</i>

204
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,261
<i>is Meltameeta with...</i>

205
00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:09,810
<i>it is a cheese and sausage
flavor product,</i>

206
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,770
but now it ain't got
no real cheese

207
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,893
or no real sausage
up in there though.

208
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,565
No, that's because for people

209
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:16,733
that are allergenic
to those things.

210
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,486
<i>And I have a wonderful scooter.</i>

211
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,313
<i>I had the carpel tunnel,</i>

212
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,945
<i>and people don't know
that carpel tunnel travels.</i>

213
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,778
Tell them, Thaddeus.
It traveled to my legs

214
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:28,237
and made 'em weak!

215
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:29,321
There!

216
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,157
Anything else you want to know?

217
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,708
You know what? We can...

218
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:35,002
How many kidney stones
I've passed? Huh?

219
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,121
Why my right boobie is
a little bit higher

220
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,046
than the left?

221
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,631
I just got upset!

222
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,128
These people's all up in my...

223
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,256
- I know, it's all right.
- It's too many cameras.

224
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:44,674
It's too many white people.

225
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,471
I can't take it, Thaddeus.

226
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,008
They're gonna meet
the celebrity guest judges.

227
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:50,721
They're going to hear the rules.

228
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,350
And then, of course,
my favorite part,

229
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:56,182
the lighting
of the ceremonial oven,

230
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,688
which is just like the Olympics.

231
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,486
It's that kind of "haa",

232
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:02,821
you know, kind of moment.

233
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,650
When I go "haa," I mean,
like crowds cheering.

234
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,450
That sounded weird.

235
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:14,749
The Pioneer Days are coming up.

236
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,249
Will and I are going
as rootin' tootin' cowboys.

237
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,375
<i>Being a mother
is the hardestjob ever.</i>

238
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,001
It's very rewarding, but...

239
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,173
The only thing probably
harder is selling insurance.

240
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,671
I don't know if you're familiar
with the insurance game,

241
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,468
but it is brutal.

242
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,470
<i>I wasn't in Vietnam,
I was too young,</i>

243
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:32,927
<i>but it's just like that.</i>

244
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,270
It's nuts.
Half the time, I'm selling,

245
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,185
half the time I'm explaining it
to my own staff.

246
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,938
- It's... ugh.
- No. Yeah, nine to five.

247
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,268
I'm a finalist.

248
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:48,196
<i>It's called
a Multi-Layered Anti-Oxidant</i>

249
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:51,199
<i>Rainbow Gelatin Dee-Light.</i>

250
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:53,781
It's science
and it's also nutrition.

251
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:55,082
- Well...
- If we win the cook-off,

252
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,000
oh, my gosh, a million bucks.

253
00:13:57,128 --> 00:14:00,121
Well, I'm planning on taking
a spa weekend just for myself.

254
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,126
You know, I mean,
just... just me time.

255
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,129
I mean, I'd like
some me time, too.

256
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,135
But, um, I'm too busy
earning a living.

257
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,964
- There's more good news?
- Yes, I'm pregnant!

258
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,766
- Oh.
- Hey.

259
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,720
She's talked about, like,
"Why don't you get a vasectomy?"

260
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,305
and I'm like, "Uh, because
it's a part of my body

261
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:19,230
that I care a lot about,

262
00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,524
and I'm not going to
take a knife to it."

263
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,476
All of our kids,
if you can believe this,

264
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:26,734
all of them were born...
I was fully on contraception.

265
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,281
I mean, to be very honest,

266
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,280
I'm scared to sleep in the same bed
with him anymore.

267
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,575
- Just when I look at him
- "Do-do, do-do, do-do..."

268
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,699
This is what we call
the ring of fire.

269
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:37,874
These ovens are used

270
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,917
for the very last stage
of the competition,

271
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,916
and this is only
for the seven finalists.

272
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,044
This is the official
Van Rookle Farm jumbotron.

273
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:48,718
Basically what'll happen is that
Morty Van Pookle, it's so sad,

274
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:51,218
he... this is the first time
in 40 years he can't be here

275
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,132
because he had
quadruple bypass surgery,

276
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,969
but he'll be watching us
from the jumbotron.

277
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:59,601
<i>Remember, I can see you
from here, okay?</i>

278
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,433
<i>So, it's almost as if you're
in bed here with me.</i>

279
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,855
<i>- It's so great.
- Morty Van Rookle Ill is,</i>

280
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:08,155
um, he's kind of like
a father figure to me

281
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,991
in that I don't talk to my real dad
anymore at all.

282
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:21,665
<i>I am owner/creator of
Dougherty and Daughter Realty,</i>

283
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,129
<i>and I actually won.</i>

284
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,541
Not only was I a finalist,
but I won

285
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:30,802
the entire contest
just some years ago, and now...

286
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,722
- 24 years ago.
- It really wasn't 24 years ago.

287
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,016
- Please. Darling, I'm talking.
- Sorry.

288
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:40,346
And we are excited because she's
going to continue the legacy.

289
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,063
We have dough in the name.

290
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,599
- I'm sorry?
- Dougherty.

291
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,351
Dough is in the name.

292
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:46,560
Oh, that's cute.

293
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,443
<i>My recipe is a Luscious</i>

294
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,695
<i>Lemon-Lime Crumble Pie.</i>

295
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:56,533
If I were to win
a million dollars,

296
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,160
I might give some of the money
to my mother.

297
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:02,834
Thank you.

298
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,628
That's very sweet.

299
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:08,248
Well, you know,
for your retirement.

300
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:13,011
I plan to donate proceeds
to our charity,

301
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,843
Yachting for Tomorrow.

302
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:16,594
I don't think that's wise, dear.

303
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,017
I would donate probably
about 50 percent.

304
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,810
No, I think that's...
we'll talk about it.

305
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,890
- We'll talk about it later.
- Right, but some of the proceeds

306
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,191
would go
to Yachting for Tomorrow.

307
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:28,939
<i>It all began</i>

308
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,396
<i>when I won the cook-off,</i>

309
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,527
and I used most of that money

310
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,449
to start Yachting for Tomorrow

311
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,285
<i>to save at risk youth.</i>

312
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,412
I want to get
a couple of pictures of you

313
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,740
for my little photo album.

314
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,284
One of the goals
for me today

315
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:47,000
was to teach some of these
gang members,

316
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,251
um, lessons on grooming.

317
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,299
Your pants are falling down,
sweetheart.

318
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,341
I can see your butt.

319
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,338
There actually aren't
any in Connecticut,

320
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,138
so we bus them in

321
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:58,557
- from New Jersey.
- New Jersey.

322
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,136
Honey, I can't see your eyes.
Say, "Jizzle jizzle."

323
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:04,517
Now everybody say,
"Get jiggy with me."

324
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,644
For many of them,
they've never even seen water,

325
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,518
and so we like to just sort of
have them

326
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:11,774
experience many things
that they may never do again.

327
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,656
One, two, three, cheese.

328
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:20,195
Let's have them come out here
to parade around!

329
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:34,426
All right. Sharon, Pauline,
we're so happy you're here.

330
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,253
What are you going to do
with the money if you win?

331
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,179
That's what we want to know.
You know that.

332
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,553
First off, I'm going to
buy cars for all my friends.

333
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,177
You know who you are.

334
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,265
- That's me!
- And then I'll probably,

335
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:53,070
I'm going to be buying a house
in Malibu and a private jet,

336
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:55,863
and then I'll probably get
an apartment in New York,

337
00:17:56,117 --> 00:18:00,157
and then we might... we might get
a second home in Chippewa Falls.

338
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,325
See if you have money,
money makes money

339
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,701
so you can spend
all the money you want.

340
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,199
Go! Go! Go!

341
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,882
You know, I... to me,
I just wanted to go

342
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,883
so I can watch her win.
But if I won,

343
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,427
I'd buy her
whatever she wants

344
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,675
for her wedding
for her and Lars.

345
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,802
That's very Blue Earth!

346
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,347
<i>Good luck to ya!</i>

347
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,849
<i>From Los Angeles,
this is Christine Merriweather</i>

348
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,900
<i>live from the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.</i>

349
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,398
<i>The arrival day's beginning.</i>

350
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:35,566
<i>The tension's beginning
to mount</i>

351
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:36,942
<i>and people are excited.</i>

352
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,232
<i>All kinds of wonderful things
are going to happen here</i>

353
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,906
<i>and I'm going to bring it to
you live from the Nosh Network.</i>

354
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:43,991
Ooh, hoo-hoo.

355
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:49,335
Uh, don't adjust the head too much
because it's not a mask,

356
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,877
- it's your head.
- It's tight!

357
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,454
No reason to be
adjusting your head, you know.

358
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:53,629
It's tight!

359
00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:56,132
- And you are?
- I'm Richard Pasternack.

360
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,174
This is my wife, Patty.

361
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,335
Patty, hi.

362
00:18:58,429 --> 00:18:59,545
Oh, my gosh, you've got quite...

363
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,130
Oh, my gosh, you do have a load.

364
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,011
Oh, there he is. There he is.

365
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,514
Move. Move. Go, go, go.

366
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,806
Aww.

367
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,359
Okay, bye.

368
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,232
Hi, welcome to La Casa Merado,

369
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,488
home of the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

370
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,779
Sharon Solfest,
this is Pauline Solfest.

371
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,033
- Lars Hagerbakke.
- Pauline Solfest,

372
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,830
I'm in the vegetable category
in the cook-off.

373
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,332
Okay, that's one.

374
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,579
I've got one standard

375
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,457
for Sharon Pauline Solfest.

376
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:35,664
No, it's Sharon and Pauline.

377
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,541
It's two rooms.
We're engaged.

378
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,293
It'll be a little alone time
for us,

379
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,343
so it's a little romantic
getaway.

380
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,216
Actually, we were thinking
of actually possibly,

381
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:45,053
possibly making love on this.
But I will tell you what.

382
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:49,136
If this hotel only has one room,
we will work with that.

383
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:52,439
The decision to remain chaste
until we're married

384
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,186
was definitely my idea.

385
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,063
I mean, I think it's wise
to get to know somebody

386
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,861
really on the outside
before I go,

387
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:02,858
you know, just rooting around

388
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:05,072
on the inside.

389
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,867
Where do you want Lars
to set up your bed?

390
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,448
- No, no.
- Over there.

391
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,408
No, I'll take the bed.

392
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,831
- I'll take the rollaway bed.
- Oh honey, that's crazy.

393
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,332
I don't mind sleeping
in the rollaway.

394
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,376
There is no way, as a gentleman,

395
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,084
I am going to climb in bed
with you

396
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:22,840
with what I want to do to you
in front of your sister.

397
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:25,263
So I had better,
for everybody's safety,

398
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,257
I better just take
the rollaway bed.

399
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:28,933
We can put the Bible
between you.

400
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,260
Do you remember the story
of the little boy

401
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:31,185
and the Söcker Kaka?

402
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:34,102
Yeah. He loves this story.
He tells it all the time.

403
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:35,022
Well, it's a good story,

404
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,225
and it's right
for our relationship.

405
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,563
He was mixing the eggs,

406
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,564
and the little boy
tries to eat them.

407
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,112
"No, wait." Flour,
he tries to eat.

408
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,447
- "No, wait." The sugar.
- "No, wait." "No, wait."

409
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,694
"No, wait." "No, wait."

410
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,531
"Wait till the Söcker Kaka
is ready."

411
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,954
And I want to wait
in our relationship

412
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:50,701
till that Söcker Kaka is ready.

413
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,874
Well, I am willing to wait
for the Söcker Kaka

414
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,369
if you are willing to wait
for the Söcker Kaka.

415
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:56,624
I have to wait.

416
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:01,959
Wee, Muffin... aah!

417
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,713
There he is, Muffin Man!
Just like on TV.

418
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,511
- Now, Mr. Swazy...
- Sweezy.

419
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:10,141
That's what I said.

420
00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:11,722
Got the Muffin Man here.

421
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:15,476
Ladybug Briggs's biscuits
are going to be the thing.

422
00:21:15,566 --> 00:21:16,773
- They gonna win.
- Well...

423
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:17,975
We gonna have the first

424
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:20,185
African-American winner

425
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,520
of Van Rookle Cook-off.

426
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,731
Be very nice.
Of course, we don't know.

427
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:25,274
We know it's going to happen,
but...

428
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,949
I'm a man of the cloth.

429
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:28,743
I speak to a higher power,
you know what I'm saying?

430
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:29,694
- I know.
- Well...

431
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,872
Just a little snuggling,

432
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:32,788
a little, like,

433
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,333
leading up into what
our marriage is going to be.

434
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:37,623
We haven't ever even
been in a bed together.

435
00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:40,543
Do you know back in college,
they called me Full Throttle,

436
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:41,835
and that's for one reason only.

437
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:43,880
I don't have a medium.

438
00:21:44,261 --> 00:21:45,422
I don't have a low gear.

439
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,594
I can't imagine being this close
to you, lying down...

440
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:54,099
- Yeah.
- Without going F-U-L-L throttle.

441
00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:56,187
<i>Don't get me wrong,
I would love,</i>

442
00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:57,480
at this very moment,

443
00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:00,062
to just rip her open
like a Christmas package,

444
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,233
but I can't do that.

445
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:02,856
- Oh, listen to you.
- I've promised myself

446
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:04,358
that I'm going to stay chaste.

447
00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:07,320
I mean, I want this lady,

448
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:12,621
um... every day,
uh... all day.

449
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,076
- But I have...
- And at night.

450
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,123
- And at night. At night.
- Every day and all night.

451
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:20,045
But I have to literally
hold myself back

452
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:23,339
from just destroying everything
I've worked for.

453
00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:26,843
Would it be weird to anyone
if I took the sheet off of here

454
00:22:26,929 --> 00:22:29,216
and hung it
between the two beds?

455
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:30,763
Can I help you?

456
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,137
<i>I'm not supposed to
take off my head.</i>

457
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:35,389
<i>Is that right? Is that a rule?</i>

458
00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:39,398
<i>I guess I just broke that rule,
but to be on TV,</i>

459
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,019
that seemed like a good reason.

460
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:43,776
This is the Muffin Man

461
00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:47,610
and Muffin Man is our beloved
mascot who wears a mask.

462
00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:49,782
Put it on.

463
00:22:49,994 --> 00:22:53,203
So yeah. I'm sorry,
so Muffin Man can't speak.

464
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:55,572
Muffin Man's a muffin.
We don't talk to Muffin Man.

465
00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:58,875
<i>We just... you can press
Muffin Man's belly</i>

466
00:22:58,961 --> 00:23:01,795
<i>and he'll giggle,
and he's delicious.</i>

467
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,463
<i>So...</i>

468
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:06,549
Well, Cassandra,
you're a contestant.

469
00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:07,796
That's very exciting.

470
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,507
- Your hair is very pretty.
- Huh?

471
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:13,261
To be a great chef, as I am,
you need that passion.

472
00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:17,098
You need that innate,
instinctive skill,

473
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,845
and I have that.
That's in my bones.

474
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,181
That's in my DNA,
and unfortunately,

475
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:24,313
Cassandra shares DNA
with my ex-husband.

476
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:26,398
- I lack passion.
- She sure does.

477
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:28,275
- I'm more like my father.
- You know, he did have

478
00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:30,732
one passionate little muscle
in there somewhere

479
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,443
for the nanny, and he took off
with that little nanny,

480
00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:35,369
and now we realize
we don't need men.

481
00:23:35,456 --> 00:23:36,663
Men leave. Men leave.

482
00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,490
That's what Mom
always taught me.

483
00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:39,415
- Men leave.
- Men leave.

484
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,413
Men leave. They leave.

485
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:44,208
Are you a contestant with
the Van Pookle Farms Cook-off?

486
00:23:44,298 --> 00:23:45,584
I have been in the past.

487
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:47,131
- Oh, really? Tell me about that.
Yes.

488
00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:49,926
<i>Well, my name is Daneel Kuhar,</i>

489
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:52,174
<i>which I'm sure I probably
didn't have to tell you,</i>

490
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,468
because I was in the competition
three times

491
00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,224
and then after you do it
three times,

492
00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:57,676
you're no longer permitted
to do it.

493
00:23:57,853 --> 00:23:59,014
<i>- Three times and you're out.
- No.</i>

494
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:00,265
<i>Well, three times and then</i>

495
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:01,847
<i>you're the past dazzler, so...</i>

496
00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:05,851
Past dazzler. The past dazzler.
Pight.

497
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:09,195
<i>I pulled out all the
stops at the Idaho Spudtacular</i>

498
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:12,115
<i>because there was a woman
there, Daneel Kuhar.</i>

499
00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:15,110
<i>She's not a good person,
and so it was...</i>

500
00:24:15,204 --> 00:24:17,161
<i>it became important to us
to win the Spudtacular.</i>

501
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,239
She set the potato salad aflame.

502
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,620
<i>Which is, you know,
harder to do than you think.</i>

503
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:24,669
<i>It is not that easy to set
a potato salad on fire.</i>

504
00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:26,291
<i>Wore this wonderful
American bikini</i>

505
00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:27,372
<i>with yellow ribbons,</i>

506
00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:29,875
<i>welcoming the troops back
to the bosom of America.</i>

507
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:33,094
S- H-A-R-O-N.
S- H-A-R-O-N.

508
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,842
- S-H-A-R-O-N.
- Yeah.

509
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:36,343
She's going to win the cook-off.

510
00:24:36,684 --> 00:24:38,926
Um, I'm here to support
my sweetheart,

511
00:24:39,353 --> 00:24:40,389
the love of my life.

512
00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:42,478
<i>His name's Del Crawford.
He's going to win</i>

513
00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:44,439
<i>with his
Coco-Nutty Dream Bars,</i>

514
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:46,312
<i>Del's Coco-Nutty Dream Bars.</i>

515
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:47,521
You're going to cook
this damn thing,

516
00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:48,647
you're going to win us
a million dollars,

517
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:49,568
and that's all there is to it,

518
00:24:49,655 --> 00:24:51,521
and then Sharon Solfest
can just suck it!

519
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:54,608
- Did I contribute to his recipe?
- True.

520
00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:57,194
No, I wouldn't even go near
the kitchen when he was baking.

521
00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:59,620
- I stay away.
- No, that's part of the rules.

522
00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:01,198
And is it a really big check?

523
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,742
- I mean, the size of it.
- Oh, yeah, it's a big ol' check.

524
00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:05,077
It's one of those
big, crazy checks.

525
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:06,502
- They give it to you.
- That's good.

526
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:07,704
Yeah, you get to stand
on a podium,

527
00:25:07,798 --> 00:25:09,130
you get a lot
of confetti thrown at you.

528
00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:10,377
You get to have your day
in the sun.

529
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:11,670
Some of us will
never get to have that.

530
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,547
I just want the big check.
I don't want the confetti.

531
00:25:13,637 --> 00:25:15,003
<i>It's going to take the world
by storm,</i>

532
00:25:15,097 --> 00:25:16,429
<i>this recipe
that he came up with.</i>

533
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,257
<i>Wow, a love story at the
Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.</i>

534
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:20,967
<i>There's nothing
better than that, is there?</i>

535
00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:38,360
I'm so luck to be here.

536
00:25:41,582 --> 00:25:44,199
Hi, how are you?

537
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:46,372
Not since the Spudtacular,
oh, my gosh.

538
00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:47,669
I know.

539
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:50,038
I just keep pouring
that sauce.

540
00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:51,088
That might be
a little much.

541
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,916
He is in the competition.

542
00:25:53,010 --> 00:25:54,751
He's my honey and I'm here
to support him.

543
00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:57,842
That's so great.
What are you making?

544
00:25:58,515 --> 00:26:00,973
We're doing a...
chocolate something.

545
00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:02,346
And what's it called?

546
00:26:02,436 --> 00:26:03,768
It's...

547
00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:07,936
You don't know the name
of your... Oh.

548
00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:08,890
I'm thinking for a second.

549
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,941
Let's just talk real.
That's not her boyfriend.

550
00:26:14,031 --> 00:26:14,862
What are you saying?

551
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:16,064
I'm going to tell you
what's going on.

552
00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:17,694
They're cheating.

553
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,989
- You don't know they are.
- What'd you say?

554
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:23,072
They're cheating, because
you think that guy cooks?

555
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:24,372
He doesn't even know
the name of his recipe.

556
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:25,699
How do you come up with recipes?

557
00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:27,580
I mean, where's
the inspiration come from?

558
00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:31,333
The million dollars.

559
00:26:31,882 --> 00:26:33,123
It's like he's her puppet.

560
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:36,797
Like... like she makes the...
and then he, like, yeah.

561
00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:38,131
Yeah, like that.

562
00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:40,339
In his defense,
I did once hear seriously

563
00:26:40,808 --> 00:26:43,892
that Hitler made crème brulee.
So...

564
00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:49,394
Markus Thelonious Monk Briggs.

565
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:53,227
Wow, I'm Cassandra Dougherty.

566
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:56,438
Really? Kiss-sandra?
Well, I guess I will.

567
00:26:58,617 --> 00:26:59,903
Are you a contestant?

568
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:01,734
No, my mama's in the contest,

569
00:27:01,829 --> 00:27:04,617
but, um, so I have
a lot of down time,

570
00:27:04,706 --> 00:27:05,787
if you know what I mean.

571
00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:07,206
I'm in room 218.

572
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:08,745
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's lovely.

573
00:27:08,836 --> 00:27:10,577
We're actually in room 598.

574
00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:13,038
Oh, nice. Fifth floor.
Fifth floor. All right.

575
00:27:13,132 --> 00:27:14,589
- No... Hi, my name...
- Hi.

576
00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:16,257
- ...is Victoria Dougherty.
- This is my mother.

577
00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:17,216
- Nice to meet you.
- Sweetheart...

578
00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:18,759
Can I get more gumbo?

579
00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:20,132
Would you get me some? Oh.

580
00:27:20,222 --> 00:27:21,053
- It's okay.
- Could I...

581
00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:22,472
go get me
some more gumbo?

582
00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:23,765
I'm really, really hungry.
Thank you.

583
00:27:23,851 --> 00:27:26,059
- Fifth floor. Fifth floor.
- Very nice meeting you.

584
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:29,179
Yeah, it'll be even nicer
meeting me later. Ha-ha.

585
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:30,767
Go get me some gumbo,
sweetheart.

586
00:27:31,108 --> 00:27:34,067
I just want to warn
you, she has a mental illness,

587
00:27:34,153 --> 00:27:38,147
Obsessive Attachment
Syndrome, OAS.

588
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:39,481
- Attachment?
- Yes, and what happens...

589
00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,157
- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah, attachment.

590
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:44,444
That's sort of like my,
that's like my kryptonite

591
00:27:44,538 --> 00:27:45,654
for somebody like me.

592
00:27:45,747 --> 00:27:47,329
Now tell me something,
what's your name?

593
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:49,456
My name... my name is,
uh, Victoria.

594
00:27:49,543 --> 00:27:52,786
Well, Victoria, you too,
I can see

595
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:54,997
that the apple didn't fall
far from the tree.

596
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:55,921
Could you not?

597
00:27:56,008 --> 00:27:57,419
He likes to be
with a celebrity.

598
00:27:57,509 --> 00:28:00,172
She's a celebrity and although
I'd never heard of her,

599
00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:01,628
a lot of people... had.

600
00:28:02,014 --> 00:28:03,971
Um... She keeps telling me.

601
00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:08,723
One favor, don't get drunk.

602
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:11,270
Too late.

603
00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:13,765
- Daneel Kuhar.
- Oh, Daneel.

604
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:14,975
Daneel, you know me.

605
00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:16,479
- No.
- Daneel Kuhar.

606
00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:18,778
- Daneel, Nancy.
- You know me, Nancy.

607
00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:19,900
No, I have no idea.

608
00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:21,777
- Nice to meet you.
- Why don't you take my plate

609
00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:23,733
over to that table over there

610
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:25,113
- and maybe...
- I don't have enough hands.

611
00:28:25,204 --> 00:28:26,740
That's all right, honey,
you can do this.

612
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:28,947
That's it. Save us a couple
of seats over there.

613
00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:29,872
That's a good girl.

614
00:28:29,958 --> 00:28:32,666
She's a little ill,
and she'll just grab onto you,

615
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:33,910
and she'll never let you go.

616
00:28:34,004 --> 00:28:36,121
She's probably naming
your children already.

617
00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:44,212
Oh, look at that.

618
00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:48,341
It's a little bit over the top.

619
00:28:48,602 --> 00:28:49,638
That's it, sweetheart.

620
00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:53,263
Have you met
any important people?

621
00:28:53,357 --> 00:28:56,225
All I'm finding are these
cooking ladies, no offense.

622
00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:59,436
I met one real cute girl,
but she was crazy,

623
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,696
but I think me and her mama
might hook up.

624
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:04,073
- So I don't know.
- I just want...

625
00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:04,990
Is she a contestant?

626
00:29:05,077 --> 00:29:06,443
Don't do nothing that's
going to disqualify Mother,

627
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,236
because that's a million dollars
riding on that.

628
00:29:08,664 --> 00:29:10,280
What you got down here ain't
worth no million dollars.

629
00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:26,929
Nice to meet you. I'm here
with the Chow Channel.

630
00:29:27,015 --> 00:29:28,222
I have to look
at my own microphone

631
00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:30,049
because we just switched
the name of the network.

632
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:32,180
- What was it called before?
- Munchy Time.

633
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,262
Oh, this is
a much better name then.

634
00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:36,097
Who is he? Who is that?

635
00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:37,807
Ruckle. Van Ruckle, okay.
All right, I got it.

636
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,608
I got it. It's a very
hard name to remember.

637
00:29:39,695 --> 00:29:40,776
<i>Fairly simple, the Contestant...</i>

638
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:42,148
<i>So the rules
for Van Rookle Cook-off</i>

639
00:29:42,239 --> 00:29:43,400
<i>are pretty much simple.</i>

640
00:29:44,408 --> 00:29:46,695
<i>Excuse me,
um, let's move over here.</i>

641
00:29:48,537 --> 00:29:50,369
I want to introduce
our celebrity,

642
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:54,415
Master of Ceremonies,
Mr. Gavin McCloud.

643
00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:00,163
Welcome aboard,
ladies and gentlemen.

644
00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,465
<i>They have acquired
Gavin McCloud,</i>

645
00:30:02,884 --> 00:30:05,092
<i>as you can see,
is the MC for the event.</i>

646
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:07,465
All right, all right,
that's so sweet of you.

647
00:30:07,556 --> 00:30:08,387
Thank you very much.

648
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:10,009
<i>You make me think
I'm back on the Love Boat.</i>

649
00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:14,306
It's my great pleasure
now to introduce to all of you

650
00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:16,304
the entrance of contestants.

651
00:30:16,398 --> 00:30:17,434
And what's
going to happen now

652
00:30:17,524 --> 00:30:18,605
is all the contestants

653
00:30:18,692 --> 00:30:20,183
<i>are entering
the stadium now.</i>

654
00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:23,402
Jericho and Moonlight
are singing their way

655
00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:24,854
into the stadium.

656
00:30:36,752 --> 00:30:38,789
This gentleman here
is taking a picture.

657
00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:41,541
Look at that.
People are getting very happy

658
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,924
and, uh, you can feel, uh...

659
00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:46,842
it turns into an exciting event.

660
00:30:47,888 --> 00:30:50,050
<i>An amazing assortment
of contestants here,</i>

661
00:30:50,140 --> 00:30:52,883
<i>one pregnant woman.
There's a disabled woman here,</i>

662
00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:55,848
and look at them all
in their Van Rookle aprons.

663
00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:58,684
They all look
so absolutely adorable.

664
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:10,946
It is my great pleasure to present
to you our three judges.

665
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:14,078
Our first judge is
a distinguished journalist

666
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:15,371
from New York City.

667
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:18,916
Say hello to David Lord.

668
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:22,711
<i>I am a student editor
of the magazine Gourmet Tongue,</i>

669
00:31:22,798 --> 00:31:25,541
a very up... probably these folks
would never have heard of it.

670
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:28,713
It's a very upscale,
refined magazine

671
00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:30,045
for the very refined pallet.

672
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:32,755
I've got extremely refined
taste buds.

673
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:34,427
I've been chosen
one of the top three buds

674
00:31:34,518 --> 00:31:38,228
in Manhattan last three years
in New York Magazine.

675
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:40,229
I should probably
have them insured.

676
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:43,308
Our next judge probably needs
no introduction.

677
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:45,439
<i>You remember her
from the Bob Newhart Show.</i>

678
00:31:45,529 --> 00:31:47,816
He was the secretary on the...

679
00:31:48,031 --> 00:31:51,069
<i>Mary Tyler Moore Show.</i>

680
00:31:52,411 --> 00:31:54,448
<i>On the Bob... the original
Bob Newhart Show,</i>

681
00:31:54,538 --> 00:31:57,076
and she played the secretary
out in the hallway.

682
00:31:57,332 --> 00:31:58,573
<i>Well, you know, I...</i>

683
00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:01,660
<i>This isn't my first time
with an unusual venue ruckus,</i>

684
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:03,415
<i>I was the spokesperson</i>

685
00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:05,041
<i>for the Prune Growers
of America.</i>

686
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,965
<i>You know, after you've had to
eat pounds of prunes,</i>

687
00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:09,755
<i>this has got to be tastier.</i>

688
00:32:12,222 --> 00:32:14,009
And last,
but certainly not least,

689
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:17,433
he is the President
of Federated Grocery Stores.

690
00:32:17,727 --> 00:32:20,140
I want you to say hello
to Mike Sweezy.

691
00:32:21,398 --> 00:32:24,562
I really like this process.

692
00:32:24,693 --> 00:32:26,559
I like to meet
the new cooks coming up,

693
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:29,274
and we have a club card,
which is an excellent deal.

694
00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:30,567
- Mm-hmm.
- And...

695
00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:32,148
Explain the club card.

696
00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:36,949
- Well, you get a discount.
- Okay.

697
00:32:37,164 --> 00:32:38,621
And here is a special message

698
00:32:38,707 --> 00:32:40,573
from the President
of Van Rookle Farms,

699
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:45,875
the beloved and adored,
Morty Van Rookle Ill.

700
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:49,548
<i>Hey, welcome...</i>

701
00:32:50,135 --> 00:32:51,842
I love you.
I love you, Morty.

702
00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:55,342
<i>to Van Rookle Farm's
million-dollar Cook-off.</i>

703
00:32:55,432 --> 00:32:56,923
Yeah.

704
00:32:57,934 --> 00:33:01,143
<i>One million dollars
of my money.</i>

705
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:06,141
<i>Yeah, let's see some hands.
Come on, put them up there.</i>

706
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:07,896
<i>That's right, good.</i>

707
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,194
<i>Wave, honey. Just wave
and look at the camera.</i>

708
00:33:10,322 --> 00:33:12,359
<i>Wave. Good, that's good.</i>

709
00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:18,366
Thank you. Thank you, Morty,
and your beloved beautiful missus.

710
00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:20,788
I have a feeling it's going
to be a great weekend

711
00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:22,365
to be a bulimic.

712
00:33:22,501 --> 00:33:23,867
And now, for your pleasure...

713
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:25,584
Are you serious
or are you joking around?

714
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:27,996
Jericho and Moonlight.

715
00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:31,166
I'm not trying to be a...

716
00:33:31,593 --> 00:33:32,583
It's a cook-off.

717
00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:37,429
No, we're not,
but I do need it from...

718
00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:42,643
Jesus Christ.

719
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:44,929
Did you hear what she just said?

720
00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:50,814
She asked me if she could
borrow the battery,

721
00:33:50,946 --> 00:33:52,938
I'm not even joking around,
to our camera.

722
00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:59,569
I'm a judgmental person, so,
I'm the right man for the job.

723
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:01,328
So, I'm going to have
a lot of opinions,

724
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:04,453
I speak my mind, and, um...

725
00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:06,329
I am a little hungover,

726
00:34:06,419 --> 00:34:07,876
so that's not going to be
easy on people

727
00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:10,626
but I think it makes my opinions
a little sharper.

728
00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:14,128
Are those real women?

729
00:34:28,984 --> 00:34:30,646
Right now, we're going to watch
the lighting of the...

730
00:34:31,278 --> 00:34:32,689
uh, ceremonial stove.

731
00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:46,040
<i>I'm just curious, Tim.
Was this your idea?</i>

732
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:48,826
<i>- Yeah.
- How did I know?</i>

733
00:34:48,962 --> 00:34:52,000
Let the flour fly!

734
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:56,292
<i>Let's back up...</i>

735
00:34:56,386 --> 00:34:58,378
<i>I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm in the way here.</i>

736
00:34:58,471 --> 00:35:00,428
<i>The competition is like
a battlefield in here,</i>

737
00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:01,346
<i>which I love.</i>

738
00:35:01,433 --> 00:35:03,720
Oh, look at this.
They're coming in here.

739
00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:05,176
They're taking their stances.

740
00:35:08,857 --> 00:35:12,271
Genuinely starting
to feel the excitement,

741
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:13,601
and we'll meet
some of these people.

742
00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:15,186
Say hi to them real quick.

743
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:18,280
They're thinking
about what they're doing.

744
00:35:18,366 --> 00:35:20,073
They're trying
to get their packaging open.

745
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,867
They're trying
to get their jars open.

746
00:35:21,953 --> 00:35:23,364
They're trying
to get their cans open.

747
00:35:23,455 --> 00:35:24,787
They're trying
to cut their lemons.

748
00:35:24,873 --> 00:35:26,614
They're trying
to prepare the ingredients

749
00:35:26,708 --> 00:35:29,701
that might make them the big
million-dollar winner here.

750
00:35:29,878 --> 00:35:32,165
I'll tell you what, I'm getting
caught up in the excitement.

751
00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:34,042
<i>75 pounds of margarine,</i>

752
00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:37,090
<i>150 pounds
of refrigerator biscuits,</i>

753
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:41,929
<i>67 ovens all
for the one-million-dollar prize.</i>

754
00:35:42,015 --> 00:35:45,008
As a matter of fact,
we will be the first

755
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:47,009
African-American people

756
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:50,016
to ever win
the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

757
00:35:50,357 --> 00:35:51,473
Never once.

758
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:55,310
I mean, all the black people
in the world that cook,

759
00:35:55,445 --> 00:35:57,732
and not one of them has won.

760
00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:00,356
The chances of her not winning
the cook-off,

761
00:36:00,909 --> 00:36:03,492
you have greater chances of me
putting on wooden shoes

762
00:36:03,578 --> 00:36:06,161
right now and dancing
until they burst aflame.

763
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:07,120
Yeah.

764
00:36:07,207 --> 00:36:08,493
She's going to win
the cook-off.

765
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:10,324
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Sharon!

766
00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:14,165
What's up, brother?

767
00:36:14,297 --> 00:36:15,583
Hi, how are you? I'm Lars..

768
00:36:15,674 --> 00:36:17,540
- Yeah, my nigga.
- Hi.

769
00:36:17,801 --> 00:36:20,259
- Hello, negro.
- I didn't even see you here.

770
00:36:20,512 --> 00:36:22,549
Yes, I'm here with my fiancé.

771
00:36:22,722 --> 00:36:25,089
Who? I don't see no sisters.

772
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,095
No, no, no.
She's not a sister.

773
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:28,175
She's standing right over there.

774
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:29,852
- Is she white?
- Yes.

775
00:36:30,397 --> 00:36:33,231
I heard them white women
is crazy in the bedroom.

776
00:36:33,316 --> 00:36:34,773
- Excuse me?
- What?

777
00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:37,939
Once we do make very sweet
and slow love,

778
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,895
I'm sure it will be
a wild experience.

779
00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:41,230
You ain't tasted
that cracker yet?

780
00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:43,740
Pardon me?

781
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:44,863
You ain't tasted
on that cracker yet?

782
00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:46,576
My brother is a preacher
and he get

783
00:36:46,663 --> 00:36:47,904
more drawers than anybody.

784
00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:49,659
You don't need to be telling...

785
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:52,162
Well, I truly believe
you keep the candy in the jar

786
00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:54,084
until it's time to eat it, okay?

787
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,708
- Why would you do that?
- Her candy is in her jar, okay?

788
00:36:56,798 --> 00:36:58,915
We are authorized
to use force at this time.

789
00:36:59,134 --> 00:37:00,341
The competition
has already begun.

790
00:37:00,427 --> 00:37:02,384
Miss, miss, miss...

791
00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:05,588
They're going to have to...
oh shit, I gotta go.

792
00:37:05,682 --> 00:37:06,513
Sorry, ma'am.

793
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:08,966
At this time, don't make me get
you in a chokehold, lady.

794
00:37:09,185 --> 00:37:10,096
I am not...

795
00:37:10,186 --> 00:37:12,519
this is the wrong day,
you understand me?!

796
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:15,272
Whoa, excuse me,
everything's okay.

797
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:16,231
Can I help you?

798
00:37:17,026 --> 00:37:18,437
I'm Amber and I'm here,

799
00:37:18,528 --> 00:37:19,609
and I've been chosen,

800
00:37:19,821 --> 00:37:21,813
and I want to get in there
and cook. I'm sorry.

801
00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:23,147
- Oh, we're a little late.
- Well, that's all right.

802
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:24,197
Yeah, disqualified.

803
00:37:24,492 --> 00:37:25,573
- No.
- Yeah.

804
00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:27,526
- Actually, no, I'm not.
- You're disqualified.

805
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:28,952
- You're disqualified.
- Hey, hey, hey.

806
00:37:29,038 --> 00:37:30,779
Well, okay,
we're all disqualified.

807
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,702
Fine, I'm not going to win
a million dollars.

808
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:34,165
<i>Hi, Blue Earth.</i>

809
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,209
<i>Hi, Golden Minutes
Senior Day Care.</i>

810
00:37:36,296 --> 00:37:38,913
<i>Hello. It's Pauline.</i>

811
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:40,547
It's Pauline.

812
00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:41,924
You remember Pauline?

813
00:37:42,218 --> 00:37:43,379
<i>Because I didn't
tell her I entered.</i>

814
00:37:43,470 --> 00:37:44,631
<i>She told me nothing.</i>

815
00:37:45,138 --> 00:37:46,128
Really.

816
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:50,967
I feel angry that she didn't...
just because you...

817
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:52,642
because I could have helped you,
that was all.

818
00:37:52,896 --> 00:37:53,886
I just was a little...

819
00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:56,852
It's a vegetable dish,
it is cream corn

820
00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:58,603
for the lactose intolerant,
it's a good idea.

821
00:37:58,902 --> 00:38:00,734
It's not like
she's going to win, you know.

822
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:05,114
I actually know
that it's my destiny to win

823
00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:06,573
because I had a vision

824
00:38:06,868 --> 00:38:08,609
that I would win
the Van Rookle's Farm Cook-off.

825
00:38:08,745 --> 00:38:11,829
So that's something
we both know.

826
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:12,746
Right.

827
00:38:12,874 --> 00:38:14,661
The Pope is the example
I always give.

828
00:38:14,751 --> 00:38:16,959
I think the Pope is
the kind of guy to be like,

829
00:38:17,045 --> 00:38:19,128
"You know,
I'm probably not going to be

830
00:38:19,214 --> 00:38:21,422
an insurance salesman,
I'm probably going to be,

831
00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:22,749
like, the Pope or something,"
you know.

832
00:38:23,009 --> 00:38:25,422
So that's what happened to me

833
00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:28,591
is I just knew that this is
what's going to happen.

834
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:30,840
No, I'm sorry,
you're late for the...

835
00:38:30,934 --> 00:38:31,890
I mean, I can show you
in the rulebook.

836
00:38:31,976 --> 00:38:33,092
I'm aware we're late.

837
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:35,886
We've been driving
for two weeks.

838
00:38:36,231 --> 00:38:37,938
No, no... Any con...

839
00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:40,353
- No, no, no!
- Sorry, sorry.

840
00:38:40,527 --> 00:38:42,814
Miss, miss, miss.
Sir, can I ask you

841
00:38:42,946 --> 00:38:44,403
to ask your lady to give us
the tag number?

842
00:38:44,489 --> 00:38:45,525
- Don't call her a lady.
- I'm sorry.

843
00:38:45,657 --> 00:38:49,321
Do you have to start and end
every conversation

844
00:38:49,577 --> 00:38:52,866
by saying that I'm not
going to win the cook-off?

845
00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:57,583
- Pauline.
- Whoa, sorry, sorry.

846
00:38:57,710 --> 00:39:00,544
Only contestants allowed
on the competition floor.

847
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,122
- I'm sorry, what is your name?
- I'm Amber and I'm here.

848
00:39:03,216 --> 00:39:04,502
- Oh, Amber Strain.
- Yes.

849
00:39:04,968 --> 00:39:07,301
Well, I am so sorry, but you...

850
00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:09,879
It's okay. It's been rude,
but it's okay.

851
00:39:09,973 --> 00:39:10,804
Oh, it's been terrible.

852
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:12,756
I am so sorry,
but you are disqualified.

853
00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:14,474
No, I'm actually not.

854
00:39:15,103 --> 00:39:18,722
<i>Don't do that.
Get that giant off me.</i>

855
00:39:19,274 --> 00:39:21,641
Sorry, unless there's
a force of majeure,

856
00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:22,937
as it says,
you can't come in here.

857
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:25,019
- I don't have one of those.
- Force majeure.

858
00:39:25,238 --> 00:39:26,695
I don't have one of those.

859
00:39:26,781 --> 00:39:28,647
We do have that.
We have a force majeure.

860
00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:31,237
No, no. Unless there is
a force of majeure...

861
00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:32,863
We've been driving
all the way from Pittsburgh.

862
00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:33,785
They said...

863
00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:35,113
Distance is not
force of majeure.

864
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:36,788
And if you're...
I'm speaking right now.

865
00:39:36,875 --> 00:39:37,865
I'm speaking.

866
00:39:38,293 --> 00:39:40,159
<i>If you are tardy,
you're disqualified.</i>

867
00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:41,960
Would you please tell me
what it was that kept you

868
00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:42,877
from getting here on time?

869
00:39:42,964 --> 00:39:45,047
We picked up a man
in drawstring pants,

870
00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:46,419
<i>which I'd like to say
is not a good idea.</i>

871
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,667
<i>He took his pants off.</i>

872
00:39:47,927 --> 00:39:51,671
<i>There was an incident
at a gas station,</i>

873
00:39:51,848 --> 00:39:54,306
<i>and I did not
put my fingers anywhere,</i>

874
00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:55,682
<i>and next thing I know
we're in trouble,</i>

875
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:56,926
<i>and we're walking.</i>

876
00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:58,511
<i>She didn't put
her fingers anywhere</i>

877
00:39:58,646 --> 00:39:59,807
<i>and that's what
we want to remember.</i>

878
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:02,055
- I didn't do anything!
- I'm American.

879
00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:04,232
I was trying
to pull his pants up!

880
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:09,814
This is part of the drama
of a cook-off.

881
00:40:10,158 --> 00:40:15,199
Let her in! Let her in!
Let her in! Let her in!

882
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:17,037
Something very interesting
is happening here

883
00:40:17,123 --> 00:40:18,159
where people are advocating

884
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:19,907
for the late couple here.

885
00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:24,079
My name is Amber,
and I want to cook!

886
00:40:24,172 --> 00:40:25,834
Let her in! Let her in!

887
00:40:25,924 --> 00:40:29,213
Absolutely, it's...
Terrific, let's let her in.

888
00:40:29,469 --> 00:40:31,711
Now, minding,
she only has about...

889
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:35,555
35 minutes to finish a recipe.

890
00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:37,224
- Where do I go? Where do I go?
- Number 16.

891
00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:39,976
This is just
an amazing story here.

892
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:41,766
These people,
from what I understand,

893
00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:43,438
have been living out of a car,

894
00:40:43,650 --> 00:40:46,859
<i>doing everything they can
to get here to this competition</i>

895
00:40:46,945 --> 00:40:48,527
<i>in hopes of winning
a million dollars.</i>

896
00:40:48,613 --> 00:40:52,527
Where is he? Where's my honey?
Where is he?

897
00:40:52,909 --> 00:40:54,866
He usually opens all the cans.

898
00:40:55,578 --> 00:40:58,867
I have a little arthritis.

899
00:40:58,957 --> 00:41:01,119
<i>And now she's going to do her
best and this is very dramatic,</i>

900
00:41:01,209 --> 00:41:03,166
<i>- let's keep an eye on her.
- I need my can opener.</i>

901
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:07,045
We had picked up a man
somewhere in Iowa,

902
00:41:07,632 --> 00:41:10,625
and one thing that we turned
around to back up the van,

903
00:41:10,718 --> 00:41:12,334
he did not have pants on.

904
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,928
It was...
I did not know what to do.

905
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:17,639
Obviously,
we got to a gas station,

906
00:41:17,725 --> 00:41:19,682
and next thing I'm in trouble

907
00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:21,135
because he doesn't
have pants on.

908
00:41:21,270 --> 00:41:22,477
I don't know him.

909
00:41:23,147 --> 00:41:24,558
Because a lot of people
have been talking about you.

910
00:41:24,649 --> 00:41:26,265
Then I will have you to know

911
00:41:26,651 --> 00:41:28,688
that I'm going to go down
in history,

912
00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:31,987
right along the sides
of Aunt Jemima

913
00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,735
and Mrs. Butterworth's.

914
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:36,951
See, those are two black women,

915
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:38,993
colored gals if you will,

916
00:41:39,372 --> 00:41:43,912
um, who have made their mark
in the cooking world.

917
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:45,284
Now a lot of people don't know

918
00:41:45,378 --> 00:41:46,835
that Mrs. Butterworth's
is black.

919
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:49,038
Well, when you fill up
the bottle with the syrup,

920
00:41:49,132 --> 00:41:51,624
there's no denying
that she's black.

921
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:52,754
You see what I mean?

922
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:56,761
What...

923
00:41:57,974 --> 00:41:58,885
What are you doing?

924
00:41:59,058 --> 00:42:01,641
Get up.
Get it on, put it on.

925
00:42:01,894 --> 00:42:04,181
This is out... outrageous!

926
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:06,889
- I'm taking a break.
- Oh, my God! This is like...

927
00:42:07,567 --> 00:42:09,103
- No cameras, no cameras.
- Get him! Help him up.

928
00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:12,649
- ...the Muffin Man...
- No cameras!

929
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:18,905
Outrageous.

930
00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:20,744
The gloves. The glove.

931
00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:25,540
I did not like that guy
at the door.

932
00:42:26,002 --> 00:42:27,459
- Well, I think he did his best.
- Over there, I don't like him.

933
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:28,706
I think he did his best.

934
00:42:29,005 --> 00:42:30,712
Muffin Man does three things.

935
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,548
He waves, he giggles,

936
00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:36,586
and he hugs contestants
who are pleased...

937
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,755
Oh, God. Not me!

938
00:42:38,890 --> 00:42:39,721
These are blueberry.

939
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:41,218
<i>Some of the dishes
I can see with my eyes.</i>

940
00:42:41,309 --> 00:42:42,550
I don't need to taste that.

941
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:43,888
I don't even know
if I can smell it.

942
00:42:44,187 --> 00:42:45,473
<i>I don't even know
if I can get near it.</i>

943
00:42:45,772 --> 00:42:49,186
Just by looking at it,
you lose, you lose,

944
00:42:49,317 --> 00:42:51,900
you, um,
should be arrested for that.

945
00:42:53,279 --> 00:42:54,861
We were just being nice.

946
00:42:55,656 --> 00:42:56,817
So the point is don't...

947
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:59,283
if someone
has a drawstring pant on

948
00:42:59,368 --> 00:43:02,702
and they want a ride,
I guess don't pick them up.

949
00:43:02,789 --> 00:43:04,781
That's what I'm trying
to tell America.

950
00:43:04,874 --> 00:43:06,331
Listen here, in America,

951
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:07,999
do not pick up a person
with drawstring pants.

952
00:43:08,086 --> 00:43:09,418
They come off so easy.

953
00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:13,505
It's like being on safari,
but the car is open

954
00:43:13,674 --> 00:43:15,256
and the animals
are coming at you,

955
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:16,625
and they're serving you
their young.

956
00:43:16,803 --> 00:43:17,714
It's what it's like,

957
00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:19,799
but their young are slathered
with butter, cinnamon,

958
00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:22,006
and sorts of...
like, cheese/meat by-products.

959
00:43:22,100 --> 00:43:23,591
I see she's hurting,
and I don't want to

960
00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:24,549
get in the middle
of the story,

961
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:25,555
but we are going to
stick with you

962
00:43:25,645 --> 00:43:26,977
- if that's all right, Amber.
- That's okay.

963
00:43:27,146 --> 00:43:28,307
That's okay.

964
00:43:28,773 --> 00:43:29,934
Do you do your own hair?

965
00:43:30,900 --> 00:43:32,482
- It's so nice.
- Well, thank you.

966
00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:34,685
- Do you do your own hair?
- I do. I do.

967
00:43:34,862 --> 00:43:37,229
- What's going on?
- My sister...

968
00:43:38,074 --> 00:43:40,566
My sister is marrying
a homosexual.

969
00:43:42,036 --> 00:43:43,527
Did you say homosexual?

970
00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:46,495
Well, how do you know?

971
00:43:47,291 --> 00:43:48,122
He's over there.

972
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:50,583
Sharon!

973
00:43:50,670 --> 00:43:53,128
It makes me upset,
and I want you to talk to her,

974
00:43:53,214 --> 00:43:55,331
and I know that you happen
to know a lot about love,

975
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:57,632
and I need you to help me
because I just don't...

976
00:43:58,010 --> 00:43:59,251
Well, I just have to tell you,

977
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,429
I'm really not
a relationship counselor.

978
00:44:02,849 --> 00:44:05,887
- Oh, Captain.
- Really, I'm not even a Captain.

979
00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:07,434
Tell us what you're making.

980
00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:09,352
I am making a sweet potato,

981
00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:13,432
which is technically
a vegetable, and I layer it.

982
00:44:13,526 --> 00:44:14,937
I put sweet potatoes,
condensed milk,

983
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:16,484
marshmallows,
baby marshmallows.

984
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,237
I find that if you use
the big marshmallows,

985
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:20,905
they just don't,
they don't melt up,

986
00:44:20,992 --> 00:44:23,780
and then some chocolate
right on top.

987
00:44:23,870 --> 00:44:24,701
Chocolate?

988
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:29,282
You know, I can't talk and bake
at the same time, okay?

989
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:30,331
No one knows...

990
00:44:30,418 --> 00:44:33,126
no one ever thinks
this is coming, but I do this.

991
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:36,208
Just...
Nobody knows that.

992
00:44:36,299 --> 00:44:37,665
I would have never thought
to do that.

993
00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:39,090
- It's nice. It's fresh.
- It's very original.

994
00:44:39,177 --> 00:44:40,463
So I know you want me
to do well,

995
00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:42,761
so, um, I've got to
say good-bye, okay?

996
00:44:43,014 --> 00:44:44,130
No, no, no, no!

997
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:45,964
And then do you just cook it
over the stovetop?

998
00:44:46,142 --> 00:44:47,599
I just mash the shit out of it.

999
00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:50,848
Do I feel like
I've pushed Cassi too hard?

1000
00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:53,851
Absolutely not.
She needs every push, every jab,

1001
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:56,228
- every kick I can give her.
- I need it. I need it.

1002
00:44:56,319 --> 00:44:57,150
She needs it.

1003
00:44:57,236 --> 00:44:59,023
I've made this
with a Bunsen burner.

1004
00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:02,197
I have made this, oh, I made it
with a cigarette lighter

1005
00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:05,697
in much smaller amounts,
but it really does work.

1006
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:06,617
Yeah, sure.

1007
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,286
And not unlike,
have you seen the shows on TV

1008
00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:10,872
<i>where the really fat people
have to lose the weight,</i>

1009
00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:13,416
and so they sweat and they sweat
and they cry and they cry,

1010
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:14,333
and it's like,

1011
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:15,410
"Can't go anymore,
can't go anymore"

1012
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:16,661
and their coaches just say,

1013
00:45:16,756 --> 00:45:18,839
"Yes, you can, do it, do it,
do it, you're fat."

1014
00:45:19,091 --> 00:45:21,424
You are pretty, you are smart.
Keep saying that.

1015
00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:22,671
Mommy thinks I'm pretty.

1016
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,094
- You don't have to be pretty
- Mommy thinks I'm smart.

1017
00:45:24,180 --> 00:45:26,012
to win a cook-off competition.

1018
00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:27,340
It sure helps. It sure helps.

1019
00:45:27,433 --> 00:45:28,469
You just need to have
a good recipe.

1020
00:45:28,768 --> 00:45:30,259
And you think Mommy won...

1021
00:45:31,187 --> 00:45:33,099
Mommy made nice
with the judges, dear.

1022
00:45:35,191 --> 00:45:36,022
Would you like some?

1023
00:45:36,108 --> 00:45:37,599
There's raw eggs,
but they're probably fresh.

1024
00:45:37,944 --> 00:45:40,027
Thank you, I'd love to taste
some when it's done.

1025
00:45:40,947 --> 00:45:43,530
If you can just remember,
when a judge walks by,

1026
00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:45,570
just sort of wiggle your hip.
Always worked for mommy.

1027
00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,488
I'll talk to you later, okay?
Okay, bye.

1028
00:45:47,620 --> 00:45:50,237
That was very rude.

1029
00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:52,072
- That was...
- Use more marshmallows.

1030
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:53,122
Okay, I'm sorry.

1031
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:54,495
Are you allowed on this floor?

1032
00:45:54,585 --> 00:45:56,076
Sir, you're going to
need to step back.

1033
00:45:56,170 --> 00:45:58,287
He's okay. He's okay.
He's okay. He's okay.

1034
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:00,296
Very strict here about
letting people on the floor.

1035
00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:02,256
I said back it up, hot shot!

1036
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,001
Can't you hear me?!

1037
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:06,761
Let...
don't spill his coffee!

1038
00:46:06,931 --> 00:46:08,422
Your sister seems to think that,

1039
00:46:08,683 --> 00:46:10,140
you know, I have
a little knowledge

1040
00:46:10,226 --> 00:46:11,717
regarding relationships,

1041
00:46:11,936 --> 00:46:14,679
because I was a captain
on a television show.

1042
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:15,888
Well, you're the captain
of the Love Boat.

1043
00:46:15,982 --> 00:46:17,143
No, but I want to confess.

1044
00:46:17,525 --> 00:46:18,732
I'm as dumb as the next guy.

1045
00:46:18,818 --> 00:46:20,184
Oh, you're too modest.

1046
00:46:20,278 --> 00:46:21,485
I just want to
tell you something.

1047
00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:22,769
You know, uh...

1048
00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:25,401
you can lead a horse
to water,

1049
00:46:25,533 --> 00:46:27,069
but you can't make them drink.

1050
00:46:27,410 --> 00:46:30,949
Now maybe your fiancé
doesn't like to drink water.

1051
00:46:31,622 --> 00:46:32,988
Oh, he loves water.

1052
00:46:33,374 --> 00:46:35,866
I don't... I need
a can opener that works.

1053
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,292
Ma'am, I'm just trying to
keep everything...

1054
00:46:37,670 --> 00:46:39,957
My mom had always made this dish

1055
00:46:40,423 --> 00:46:44,292
when I was growing up,
and I can't find her anymore

1056
00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:47,753
and I don't...
About six months ago, she left,

1057
00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:50,054
just for a little walk
and we haven't seen her

1058
00:46:50,141 --> 00:46:54,055
in six... seven months,
six or seven months.

1059
00:46:54,645 --> 00:46:57,979
So, I'd be awfully curious
to know where she is.

1060
00:46:59,025 --> 00:47:01,392
I really need a can opener
that works.

1061
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,477
Do you have a can opener
that works?

1062
00:47:06,490 --> 00:47:07,355
Good luck.

1063
00:47:08,117 --> 00:47:09,028
I don't mean that.

1064
00:47:09,702 --> 00:47:11,034
<i>The love of my life is cooking.</i>

1065
00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:12,445
<i>It's just very emotional.</i>

1066
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:14,071
<i>Oh, are you nervous?</i>

1067
00:47:14,165 --> 00:47:15,622
<i>I'm very nervous.
I'm very nervous.</i>

1068
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:19,994
Have I had any influence
on Del's cooking or baking?

1069
00:47:20,338 --> 00:47:23,797
No, absolutely none.
He's the one who teaches me.

1070
00:47:24,050 --> 00:47:26,337
Have you ever heard
of the phrase idiot savant?

1071
00:47:27,094 --> 00:47:28,255
That's him.

1072
00:47:30,514 --> 00:47:31,880
What the hell are you saying?

1073
00:47:32,141 --> 00:47:34,133
How much time do I have here?

1074
00:47:37,021 --> 00:47:38,387
We're really here, aren't we?

1075
00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:39,933
We're really doing it.

1076
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:42,098
Honey, I'm doing it!

1077
00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:46,812
Yeah! Yeah!

1078
00:47:47,823 --> 00:47:48,813
Yeah.

1079
00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:51,275
It's really good, too.

1080
00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:52,405
It's really good.

1081
00:47:52,703 --> 00:47:55,411
All right, nice meeting you,
my man.

1082
00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:56,867
I'll be looking for you.

1083
00:47:57,458 --> 00:47:59,745
That shouldn't hurt.
That should not hurt.

1084
00:47:59,835 --> 00:48:01,042
Okay.
Pleasure to meet you.

1085
00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:02,164
Peace! Peace!

1086
00:48:02,671 --> 00:48:06,210
Peace, two fingers!
Holla! Holla!

1087
00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:07,131
What's up?

1088
00:48:07,218 --> 00:48:08,709
I just need you
to keep it down in this area.

1089
00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:11,465
Oh, three black people together
is too much for you.

1090
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,762
My Swahili brother over there,

1091
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:14,847
oh, that's too much Africa
up in the house.

1092
00:48:14,934 --> 00:48:16,800
I don't know if you can get
a shot of that,

1093
00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:19,181
but that's really looking
about where it should be.

1094
00:48:20,356 --> 00:48:21,642
I'm cooking, honey!

1095
00:48:21,732 --> 00:48:23,473
- Cook it though.
- I'm cooking it.

1096
00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:25,392
- What?
- Baby, you want a taste?

1097
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:26,400
Yeah.

1098
00:48:27,530 --> 00:48:29,772
- You want a taste?
- Oh wait, oh wait.

1099
00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:32,695
Okay. Not yet.

1100
00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:35,360
Not yet. It's not done yet.

1101
00:48:35,788 --> 00:48:37,404
- Cook it.
- It's hotter than I thought.

1102
00:48:38,749 --> 00:48:40,536
Pauline.
Pauline.

1103
00:48:40,668 --> 00:48:41,954
What did you tell
Captain Stubing

1104
00:48:42,253 --> 00:48:43,869
about my relationship with Lars?

1105
00:48:43,963 --> 00:48:44,919
What's going on with that?

1106
00:48:45,005 --> 00:48:46,997
I said, "My sister's
getting married."

1107
00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:49,299
I said... That's all I said.
I said... you know?

1108
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:51,543
I'm sorry, I'm going to
have to ask you

1109
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,469
to take a breather outside.

1110
00:48:53,639 --> 00:48:55,096
Ah! Don't put your hands on me!

1111
00:48:55,182 --> 00:48:57,674
- Okay...
- That's assault and batter.

1112
00:48:57,977 --> 00:48:59,764
And I like to put
a little of these

1113
00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:02,767
just on the top of it
because it looks good.

1114
00:49:03,441 --> 00:49:04,773
Basically, I spread 'em out

1115
00:49:04,859 --> 00:49:07,146
with my hands... it's fine,
once everything cooks,

1116
00:49:07,945 --> 00:49:10,153
they're not that clean
but it really cooks up nice.

1117
00:49:10,448 --> 00:49:14,317
You all have got to get along
or my pressure's going to go up.

1118
00:49:15,286 --> 00:49:18,950
I would like to offer both
of you a 50-cent coupon,

1119
00:49:19,582 --> 00:49:20,914
50 cents off anything...

1120
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,707
- Ooh, thank you.
- That is for you.

1121
00:49:22,793 --> 00:49:24,876
Thank you, my man.
My man.

1122
00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:25,918
My man.

1123
00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:27,166
It is a pleasure
to have you here.

1124
00:49:27,298 --> 00:49:28,584
Timothy Whims!

1125
00:49:29,091 --> 00:49:31,299
- Yeah, honey?
- Are you using coconut milk?

1126
00:49:31,635 --> 00:49:34,048
I'm putting...
I don't have coconut milk.

1127
00:49:34,138 --> 00:49:35,379
No, I'm putting in
evaporated milk.

1128
00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:36,675
What?

1129
00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,761
I'm putting in evaporated milk!

1130
00:49:38,851 --> 00:49:39,841
Evaporated milk?

1131
00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:42,310
<i>I've just noticed
that there's a little tension</i>

1132
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:44,388
between the two of you.
Is that totally the competition?

1133
00:49:44,523 --> 00:49:49,609
My sister is, you know,
less than zero chance of winning

1134
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:52,813
because there's actually never
been a vegetable winner.

1135
00:49:52,907 --> 00:49:57,618
<i>The odds of, like, a meteor
crashing down into this room</i>

1136
00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,695
<i>and landing directly
on your head.</i>

1137
00:49:59,788 --> 00:50:02,576
<i>Sharon has calculated
the odds of her sister,</i>

1138
00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:03,622
<i>Pauline, winning.</i>

1139
00:50:03,918 --> 00:50:06,752
- Why are you doing this?
- What do you mean?

1140
00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:08,704
I'm here, okay?

1141
00:50:08,797 --> 00:50:09,753
I'm here. That's
a big thing for me, okay?

1142
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:11,206
I'm very proud of you for that.

1143
00:50:11,300 --> 00:50:14,384
I know, you're the show pony
of the family,

1144
00:50:14,470 --> 00:50:17,634
and I'm the work horse,
but I got here, okay?

1145
00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:19,089
Why are you attacking me?

1146
00:50:19,391 --> 00:50:22,259
This is, like,
my moment in the sun

1147
00:50:22,353 --> 00:50:23,309
and all a sudden you're like...

1148
00:50:23,395 --> 00:50:25,637
And you insult me
in front of other people

1149
00:50:25,731 --> 00:50:27,688
and you put me down
all the time.

1150
00:50:27,900 --> 00:50:29,016
I am sick of it.

1151
00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,020
- Oh, I put you down?
- Yes, you do.

1152
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:31,066
I don't know
what you are doing right now.

1153
00:50:31,820 --> 00:50:33,152
Oh, by the way,

1154
00:50:33,531 --> 00:50:36,490
I am not paying your
MasterCard bill this month.

1155
00:50:36,909 --> 00:50:39,322
I'm just thinking that maybe
the best thing for us...

1156
00:50:40,329 --> 00:50:41,410
is don't speak.

1157
00:50:41,497 --> 00:50:43,989
Fine. I don't want
to talk to you.

1158
00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:54,131
You are married?

1159
00:50:54,426 --> 00:50:55,917
Uh... No.

1160
00:50:56,011 --> 00:50:59,379
Um...
Well, I haven't met Mr. Right.

1161
00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,347
Um, I was engaged,

1162
00:51:01,433 --> 00:51:04,642
and my mother thought
that he wasn't suitable for me,

1163
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:06,932
and I think she was right.

1164
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:08,058
Well, I hate to
interrupt you there,

1165
00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:10,014
but I know you want to get back
to what you're cooking

1166
00:51:10,109 --> 00:51:11,395
and I don't want to
hold you up here.

1167
00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:13,693
Good luck to you
and all my best.

1168
00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:14,735
Oh...

1169
00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:18,572
I've never had a badge bef...

1170
00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:20,616
I get a badge!

1171
00:51:21,036 --> 00:51:24,655
I've never had a badge before.

1172
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:29,080
I tried to do some police work
because I like a badge,

1173
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:32,003
but they said absolutely not,

1174
00:51:32,381 --> 00:51:34,839
and I could not get up
that ladder wall anyway.

1175
00:51:35,676 --> 00:51:37,292
I've been pulled over
by the police,

1176
00:51:37,386 --> 00:51:40,424
and that's what made me think
maybe it was a good fit,

1177
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:43,052
'cause I always end up
talking to them,

1178
00:51:43,142 --> 00:51:44,724
and we get along pretty well.

1179
00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:47,352
I mean, and not so well
when I'm arrested,

1180
00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:51,098
but if they let me off
that usually goes pretty well.

1181
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,818
I burned my pie.

1182
00:51:57,781 --> 00:51:58,737
Yeah, what is it?

1183
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:02,067
Okay, we have a code red.

1184
00:52:02,161 --> 00:52:03,948
Code red! Fire in aisle,
what is it?

1185
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:05,825
Well, what is it?
Aisle two.

1186
00:52:06,165 --> 00:52:08,031
- Where is it? What's smoking?
- It's right here.

1187
00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:09,115
I've got to go, Mom.

1188
00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:12,168
Ah... Ah!

1189
00:52:12,713 --> 00:52:14,830
- Is it on fire?
- No, here.

1190
00:52:14,923 --> 00:52:17,461
<i>Cassandra,
Don't embarrass me.</i>

1191
00:52:19,094 --> 00:52:21,256
Well, that's not a fire.
That's not a fire.

1192
00:52:21,472 --> 00:52:24,135
I was called for a fire.
That's just a burned pie.

1193
00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:25,681
<i>Stop looking stupid!</i>

1194
00:52:25,768 --> 00:52:27,634
- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize to me.

1195
00:52:27,728 --> 00:52:30,596
I mean, you've got
a little bit of time.

1196
00:52:30,731 --> 00:52:32,597
If you want to make it again,
you have the time.

1197
00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:33,522
You have the ingredients.

1198
00:52:33,609 --> 00:52:34,816
Okay, I'm going to
make it again.

1199
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:36,108
I'm going to make it again.

1200
00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:38,820
I can make it again.
I can make it again.

1201
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,989
I'm going to make it again,
and I'm going to do it my way.

1202
00:52:41,450 --> 00:52:43,658
My name is Pauline Solfest,
and I'm the other...

1203
00:52:43,744 --> 00:52:46,361
- What are you making?
- Cream corn.

1204
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,659
- Oh...
- That looks good though.

1205
00:52:48,749 --> 00:52:50,536
Cream corn makes me sick,
but good luck.

1206
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:52,871
It makes me really sick.

1207
00:52:52,961 --> 00:52:56,295
Cream corn kind of...
it never really changes form.

1208
00:52:56,382 --> 00:52:58,374
I think it goes in
like it comes out.

1209
00:52:58,467 --> 00:53:01,426
Are you concentrating?
Are you concentrating?

1210
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:02,551
You know what?

1211
00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:06,264
You can take this recipe
and shove it!

1212
00:53:06,350 --> 00:53:07,181
Honey, listen to me.

1213
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:08,348
Listen to me.
Listen to me.

1214
00:53:08,435 --> 00:53:10,927
I never wanted to do this
in the first place.

1215
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,182
You made me do this.

1216
00:53:12,272 --> 00:53:14,104
You know what?
'Cause you're a has-been!

1217
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:17,400
I'm not a has-been!
I'm not a has-been!

1218
00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:19,690
I taught her everything!

1219
00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:21,313
I taught you everything!

1220
00:53:21,407 --> 00:53:23,524
<i>That actually looks
and smells awfully good.</i>

1221
00:53:23,617 --> 00:53:25,654
<i>It is very good,
and again it's super easy.</i>

1222
00:53:25,744 --> 00:53:27,155
<i>I mean, if you were blind,
you could make it.</i>

1223
00:53:27,246 --> 00:53:31,206
<i>You know, if you were blind,
you could still cook, you know?</i>

1224
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:32,953
You have one minute left

1225
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:34,124
for the Van Rookle's...

1226
00:53:34,211 --> 00:53:36,544
One-million-dollar contest.

1227
00:53:40,843 --> 00:53:42,004
You only have, like,
thirty seconds.

1228
00:53:42,094 --> 00:53:43,676
Yes, just go. Go!

1229
00:53:45,347 --> 00:53:47,430
Please hand in your recipes now.

1230
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:51,180
It's not browning, honey!
It's not browning, okay?

1231
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:55,563
It's not browning!
It's not browning!

1232
00:53:55,899 --> 00:53:58,812
Do you have a lighter?
Do you have your lighter?

1233
00:53:59,987 --> 00:54:01,478
<i>Her dish is not finished.</i>

1234
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:03,738
<i>I think she's going to
go with it as it is.</i>

1235
00:54:03,824 --> 00:54:05,736
<i>Everybody is bringing
their food down.</i>

1236
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:07,283
She's going to have to
bring it up.

1237
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:09,452
<i>It's not browning.
It's not browning!</i>

1238
00:54:09,538 --> 00:54:11,279
<i>I can't serve it
if it's not brown.</i>

1239
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:12,864
This is what it boils down to,

1240
00:54:12,958 --> 00:54:14,790
the final moment
where these people

1241
00:54:14,877 --> 00:54:16,243
are rushing towards the station.

1242
00:54:17,129 --> 00:54:19,041
Okay, I'm doing it.

1243
00:54:20,424 --> 00:54:21,915
I'm doing...

1244
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,386
I still have it!

1245
00:54:31,727 --> 00:54:34,014
<i>I have to disqualify you
if the food touches the ground.</i>

1246
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:36,729
<i>- No, it's not!
- Another technicality.</i>

1247
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:38,393
I'm sorry.

1248
00:54:38,484 --> 00:54:41,352
Honey, he said
it touched the ground.

1249
00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:44,362
I think you touched the ground.

1250
00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:47,027
I don't write 'em.
I just read 'em.

1251
00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,864
So if you touched the ground,
that's disqualified.

1252
00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:52,157
What would you have done
with the million dollars

1253
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:53,203
if you did win?

1254
00:54:53,290 --> 00:54:55,577
Excuse me, that is
a very unkind question.

1255
00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:56,498
I would fire him,

1256
00:54:56,585 --> 00:54:59,043
and I'd get a new van
and I'd find my mother.

1257
00:55:01,757 --> 00:55:03,089
<i>The food has touched the ground,</i>

1258
00:55:03,175 --> 00:55:05,132
<i>and excuse me,
but I think Timothy Whims</i>

1259
00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:07,172
<i>is taking a little bit too much
pleasure in that fact.</i>

1260
00:55:07,846 --> 00:55:09,758
<i>I think he's an asshole.</i>

1261
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:14,975
<i>It's the end
of day one</i>

1262
00:55:15,062 --> 00:55:16,098
<i>at the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off,</i>

1263
00:55:16,188 --> 00:55:19,101
<i>and tensions are running high.
It's been a big emotional day.</i>

1264
00:55:19,483 --> 00:55:21,190
<i>Uh, we don't know
who the seven finalists are.</i>

1265
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:22,934
<i>We will find out that tomorrow.
In the meantime,</i>

1266
00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:24,519
<i>the contestants will be
going to a party tonight</i>

1267
00:55:24,613 --> 00:55:25,603
<i>to let their hair down
a little bit</i>

1268
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:27,233
<i>and tear it out perhaps.</i>

1269
00:55:27,324 --> 00:55:29,941
<i>But there have been a couple
of disqualifications.</i>

1270
00:55:30,202 --> 00:55:32,194
Cassi was eliminated today,
is that right?

1271
00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:33,778
I am so humiliated.

1272
00:55:35,624 --> 00:55:37,786
Cassandra, this is
your mother speaking.

1273
00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:40,960
You are a sick,
sick little puppy,

1274
00:55:41,255 --> 00:55:43,121
and I don't want you
to come home

1275
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:45,423
<i>until you get... help</i>

1276
00:55:45,509 --> 00:55:47,671
<i>with some mental health
professional.</i>

1277
00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:49,093
I feel liberated.

1278
00:55:49,263 --> 00:55:51,471
I feel liberated right now.

1279
00:55:51,682 --> 00:55:54,800
My father left us
because she's a bitch, okay?

1280
00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:57,226
My father couldn't handle her,
all right?

1281
00:55:57,312 --> 00:55:59,599
<i>And any time any man
would come around,</i>

1282
00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:01,602
<i>she would scare them away.</i>

1283
00:56:01,775 --> 00:56:02,606
You know what?

1284
00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:06,437
Tonight, I'm going to
the first guy I see.

1285
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,146
I'm going to him.

1286
00:56:14,246 --> 00:56:15,953
And all the recipes are in.

1287
00:56:16,039 --> 00:56:18,406
No one knows who's going to be
in the ring of fire,

1288
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:19,616
<i>the seven finalists.</i>

1289
00:56:23,005 --> 00:56:25,247
<i>So you feel okay about
how it went today, huh?</i>

1290
00:56:26,425 --> 00:56:27,256
<i>Yeah.</i>

1291
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:29,129
<i>Oh, good, so maybe you'll be
in the ring of fire tomorrow.</i>

1292
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:31,503
<i>- He's shy.
- I like some chocolate cake.</i>

1293
00:56:31,597 --> 00:56:36,012
- I like vanilla pudding.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

1294
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,468
Whoo! Yeah!

1295
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:42,479
<i>You know,</i>

1296
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:43,852
<i>what if they both made it
into the finals tomorrow?</i>

1297
00:56:43,984 --> 00:56:44,815
<i>Wouldn't that be something?</i>

1298
00:56:45,277 --> 00:56:47,894
<i>If that happens,
I will probably sprout wings</i>

1299
00:56:47,988 --> 00:56:51,197
<i>from my bottom and fly out
of here butt first, okay?</i>

1300
00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:52,740
<i>That's not gonna happen.</i>

1301
00:56:53,285 --> 00:56:55,527
I'm just questioning
the wisdom of fraternizing

1302
00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:58,739
with a corporate symbol
is all I'm saying.

1303
00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:00,664
I'm questioning the wisdom
of you walking around

1304
00:57:00,751 --> 00:57:03,164
with your hoo-has
sticking out of your what-nots.

1305
00:57:04,713 --> 00:57:06,454
Someone's gonna drop
a meatball down there.

1306
00:57:06,882 --> 00:57:10,375
These biscuits represent
an opportunity for your coming

1307
00:57:10,469 --> 00:57:13,962
to metastasize his reach
into the black community.

1308
00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:16,256
Hey, remember that guy,
Del Crawford?

1309
00:57:16,683 --> 00:57:17,799
Oh right, yeah.

1310
00:57:17,893 --> 00:57:19,680
Remember him, I asked for
a background check.

1311
00:57:19,770 --> 00:57:20,806
You're a cheater.

1312
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:23,225
He's cooking your recipe.
It's so obvious.

1313
00:57:23,315 --> 00:57:25,272
- He is the love of my life.
- Oh.

1314
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:29,061
We met over a love of chocolate
in France and you're jealous.

1315
00:57:29,237 --> 00:57:30,603
You are a pretender
to the throne.

1316
00:57:33,492 --> 00:57:34,323
Not cool.

1317
00:57:36,328 --> 00:57:37,364
You know what, Daneel?

1318
00:57:37,746 --> 00:57:38,953
You're going to get caught.

1319
00:57:39,581 --> 00:57:40,662
Love your blouse.

1320
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:42,782
I have one like it actually.

1321
00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:45,910
So anyway, my favorite ice cream
is butter pecan.

1322
00:57:46,004 --> 00:57:47,336
- What's yours?
- Butter pecan.

1323
00:57:47,422 --> 00:57:49,664
Oh, it is not!
It is not! It is not!

1324
00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:51,920
I've been thinking about it.

1325
00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:54,419
I think that
tonight's the night.

1326
00:57:54,513 --> 00:57:57,677
I think...
I think we should...

1327
00:57:58,850 --> 00:57:59,715
- do it.
- Do it?

1328
00:57:59,851 --> 00:58:00,682
We should do it.

1329
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:01,808
- Tonight?
- Tonight.

1330
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:03,386
But Pauline's in the room...

1331
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:05,893
No, she's got that muffin guy.

1332
00:58:05,983 --> 00:58:07,349
She's not going to
come back for hours.

1333
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:09,734
- Let's just do it.
- Do it.

1334
00:58:09,945 --> 00:58:12,983
Let's really just do it
and do it fast and good.

1335
00:58:13,073 --> 00:58:15,315
Do it fast and good.

1336
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,696
Okay, I'm so glad you agree,
give me a kiss.

1337
00:58:17,786 --> 00:58:18,697
Mm.

1338
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:20,323
You're hot.

1339
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,073
Yeah, I'm in room 598.

1340
00:58:26,586 --> 00:58:27,952
- I like that shirt.
- Oh, thank you.

1341
00:58:28,046 --> 00:58:30,959
I made it at a two day sewing
event back in Blue Earth.

1342
00:58:31,049 --> 00:58:33,211
- You sew?
- Yeah, I do a lot of sewing.

1343
00:58:33,385 --> 00:58:34,842
Pattern work,
mostly pattern work.

1344
00:58:34,928 --> 00:58:35,759
I sew.

1345
00:58:37,014 --> 00:58:38,175
You are lying.

1346
00:58:38,849 --> 00:58:40,511
Electric cut on a bias.

1347
00:58:41,727 --> 00:58:44,344
You honestly sew?
Well, let me reintroduce myself.

1348
00:58:44,438 --> 00:58:45,974
- Lars.
- Yeah, Del.

1349
00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:48,522
That is wonderful.
That's wonderful.

1350
00:58:48,608 --> 00:58:50,850
You don't figure everybody's
into it, but you are.

1351
00:58:51,028 --> 00:58:52,735
- No, I like cookin'...
- Very nice.

1352
00:58:53,155 --> 00:58:56,114
Oh, God, forgive me,
I am not myself right now.

1353
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:59,909
I have been put under pressure,
so to speak, to perform.

1354
00:59:00,037 --> 00:59:00,868
To perform.

1355
00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:03,287
To do something I have not
really ever done,

1356
00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:05,990
and I don't feel comfortable
at A-L-L.

1357
00:59:06,084 --> 00:59:08,167
I've never danced
this way before.

1358
00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:09,664
You're perfect.

1359
00:59:10,088 --> 00:59:10,919
Okay, break it up!

1360
00:59:11,006 --> 00:59:13,419
I'm sorry, excuse me,
I'm so sorry about that.

1361
00:59:13,508 --> 00:59:14,669
It's just that Muffin Man,

1362
00:59:14,885 --> 00:59:17,093
he's being a little
inappropriate.

1363
00:59:17,345 --> 00:59:19,382
Oh, no, it's okay,
it was consensual

1364
00:59:19,473 --> 00:59:20,759
because I had asked him
to dance.

1365
00:59:20,849 --> 00:59:22,181
Okay, you know what?

1366
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,600
If Muffin Man is free
to dance all night he wants,

1367
00:59:24,728 --> 00:59:26,594
as long as
it's the Muffin Man dance,

1368
00:59:26,688 --> 00:59:28,350
the Muffin Man dance.
Let's see it.

1369
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:29,772
Give me the Muffin Man dance.

1370
00:59:30,192 --> 00:59:31,774
There we go. There we go.

1371
00:59:32,152 --> 00:59:33,563
Okay, no hips together.

1372
00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:34,894
No...

1373
00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:36,946
I was having fun.

1374
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:39,574
You are not
being paid to have fun!

1375
00:59:41,036 --> 00:59:41,901
Oh...

1376
00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:46,998
You know, you are dressed
perfectly for a place

1377
00:59:47,084 --> 00:59:48,950
that I think
you would really like.

1378
00:59:49,461 --> 00:59:50,292
Really?

1379
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:52,836
Yeah, it's a bar/club
kind of thing.

1380
00:59:53,090 --> 00:59:54,171
Lots of good people there.

1381
00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:55,213
Is it going on now?

1382
00:59:55,300 --> 00:59:56,882
Oh, yeah, dancing, having fun.

1383
00:59:56,968 --> 00:59:59,255
- Better music than this.
- Okay, let's, um...

1384
01:00:00,055 --> 01:00:01,591
- Let's go.
- Yeah?

1385
01:00:02,057 --> 01:00:04,049
Yes, let's go anywhere
except here.

1386
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,435
How did you...
you didn't make that?

1387
01:00:08,522 --> 01:00:10,889
- No. You'll love it.
- The Banana.

1388
01:00:11,108 --> 01:00:12,019
We've got to go in.

1389
01:00:12,109 --> 01:00:12,940
- All right.
- Go, go, go.

1390
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:14,142
- I want to get you something.
- Fine, thank you.

1391
01:00:14,236 --> 01:00:16,603
- I'll be right back.
- I'll just look at the décor.

1392
01:00:16,822 --> 01:00:18,188
Well, look at the décor.

1393
01:00:19,157 --> 01:00:21,695
Really...

1394
01:00:21,785 --> 01:00:23,697
- The banana swings.
- Imagine that.

1395
01:00:23,787 --> 01:00:25,198
That is funny, isn't it?

1396
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,405
A bar like this called Bananas.

1397
01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:29,081
I know you.

1398
01:00:29,209 --> 01:00:31,917
- Really?
- David Lord, hi.

1399
01:00:32,003 --> 01:00:33,790
- Hi.
- My name is Lars Hagerbakke.

1400
01:00:33,880 --> 01:00:35,587
Sharon Solfest is my fiancé.

1401
01:00:35,674 --> 01:00:37,506
- And she's in the thing?
- We are getting married

1402
01:00:37,926 --> 01:00:39,542
a little sooner
than I feel comfortable,

1403
01:00:39,636 --> 01:00:40,752
but yet we are getting married.

1404
01:00:40,846 --> 01:00:42,053
You're in a bar
called Bananas.

1405
01:00:44,724 --> 01:00:46,135
If I were speaking to my sister,
Pauline,

1406
01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:47,433
I would say it's 4:30,

1407
01:00:47,519 --> 01:00:49,727
and I'm wondering
where's my fiancé.

1408
01:00:49,938 --> 01:00:52,021
Where is he?

1409
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,271
Where is he?

1410
01:00:53,358 --> 01:00:55,020
If I were speaking
to my sister, Sharon,

1411
01:00:55,110 --> 01:00:57,944
I'd say, "Sharon, shut up
and quit talking to me

1412
01:00:58,029 --> 01:00:59,361
- so I can go to sleep."
- You don't care.

1413
01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,564
- No.
- Lars is... probably in a ditch,

1414
01:01:01,658 --> 01:01:02,739
but it doesn't
really matter to you.

1415
01:01:02,826 --> 01:01:04,283
Sharon, he doesn't have a car.

1416
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:07,244
You are not living up
to the words of our song.

1417
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:09,447
Did you ever show
that you're my shero?

1418
01:01:09,541 --> 01:01:10,827
You are not everything
I would like...

1419
01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:12,658
You are not everything
that I would like to be.

1420
01:01:13,545 --> 01:01:15,161
I cannot fly higher
than an eagle

1421
01:01:15,964 --> 01:01:18,047
because you sit on my wings.

1422
01:01:18,216 --> 01:01:20,253
Zip it!

1423
01:01:20,844 --> 01:01:23,382
Oh, zip it.
Oh, that's nice.

1424
01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:24,587
Just work on your speech.

1425
01:01:24,681 --> 01:01:25,922
I'm going to put that
in the speech.

1426
01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:27,507
- Work on your speech, okay?
- "I want to thank my sister..."

1427
01:01:27,726 --> 01:01:29,763
Make sure it goes on
for at least half an hour,

1428
01:01:30,228 --> 01:01:31,435
because everyone's interested.

1429
01:01:31,563 --> 01:01:32,974
I know it's been said before,
but I think

1430
01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:34,396
I might just
say the whole, you know,

1431
01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:36,353
"You like me,
you really like me."

1432
01:01:36,610 --> 01:01:40,729
Dear Lord, help Sharon
to have peace in her heart

1433
01:01:41,489 --> 01:01:43,025
and to quit flapping her gums.

1434
01:01:43,241 --> 01:01:44,698
Dearest Lord in heaven,

1435
01:01:44,784 --> 01:01:47,572
will you please
help Pauline to, like,

1436
01:01:47,662 --> 01:01:49,119
get back to her old personality,

1437
01:01:49,206 --> 01:01:51,118
how she used to be before
she got so big headed?

1438
01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:52,995
Stuff her ponytail in her mouth.

1439
01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:55,288
You think Jesus gets involved
with stuff like that?

1440
01:01:56,755 --> 01:01:59,964
Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!

1441
01:02:00,884 --> 01:02:04,173
They are nothing but...
gorgeous men, aren't there?

1442
01:02:05,013 --> 01:02:08,723
They are nothing
but just men dancing.

1443
01:02:09,142 --> 01:02:11,475
You don't come to a bar
called Bananas for ladies.

1444
01:02:13,396 --> 01:02:15,228
This is, um...

1445
01:02:16,900 --> 01:02:19,267
- Okay.
- Hey, I got you this.

1446
01:02:19,361 --> 01:02:22,399
Hey. We are, by the way,
in a, uh...

1447
01:02:22,489 --> 01:02:24,276
we are in a gay bar.

1448
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:26,110
Put that behind your ear.
Let me see that.

1449
01:02:26,243 --> 01:02:28,235
You look like Dolores del Rio.

1450
01:02:28,370 --> 01:02:29,827
- You love her, don't you?
- Yeah, I do.

1451
01:02:29,913 --> 01:02:32,781
See, that's what I'm saying.
Probably love the Streisand.

1452
01:02:32,874 --> 01:02:35,161
I learned
my first Streisand

1453
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:36,538
literally before I could speak.

1454
01:02:36,628 --> 01:02:38,085
- Right.
- Oh, my God.

1455
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:40,037
<i>Probably love Annie Get Her Gun.</i>

1456
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:41,372
Oh, God, get me...
I need something to drink.

1457
01:02:41,508 --> 01:02:43,545
Get this guy something
with an umbrella in it.

1458
01:02:43,635 --> 01:02:45,171
- I have something.
- Okay.

1459
01:02:46,972 --> 01:02:48,053
Doesn't that feel good?

1460
01:02:48,390 --> 01:02:50,757
- Yeah, it does.
- Sip of freedom, my friend.

1461
01:02:51,351 --> 01:02:53,138
Sip the freedom.

1462
01:02:53,353 --> 01:02:55,310
Feel the warmth of acceptance.

1463
01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:57,517
Let's dance, come on. Come on.

1464
01:02:57,607 --> 01:02:59,564
Before... before we do, may I?

1465
01:02:59,901 --> 01:03:01,984
Everyone, my name
is Lars Hagerbakke

1466
01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:02,901
and...

1467
01:03:04,739 --> 01:03:05,980
I too am a gay.

1468
01:03:06,074 --> 01:03:08,191
Oh, yeah.

1469
01:03:10,870 --> 01:03:14,284
My name is Lars Hagerbakke
from Blue Earth, Minnesota

1470
01:03:14,374 --> 01:03:16,582
and I too am a gay.

1471
01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:17,704
Sing it out, Louise!

1472
01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:19,456
You're not going to do this
every time, are you?

1473
01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:21,378
- What?
- The big speech and everything.

1474
01:03:21,881 --> 01:03:24,464
Oh. You got it.

1475
01:03:27,554 --> 01:03:29,261
Sharon. Sharon.

1476
01:03:33,268 --> 01:03:36,136
I lost my... the key.

1477
01:03:37,314 --> 01:03:38,304
How's the ditch?

1478
01:03:38,732 --> 01:03:39,848
- How's the ditch?
- I don't get it.

1479
01:03:39,941 --> 01:03:41,853
- Were you in a ditch?
- No, I was not at a ditch.

1480
01:03:41,943 --> 01:03:46,153
I was at... I was at a bar.

1481
01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:47,696
We...

1482
01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,023
Well, I hope you
had a good time!

1483
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:50,107
I had a great time.

1484
01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:51,032
We've been waiting up
all night.

1485
01:03:51,119 --> 01:03:53,111
- We haven't gotten any sleep.
- I apologize.

1486
01:03:53,246 --> 01:03:56,034
I have something that I need
to share with both of you.

1487
01:03:56,583 --> 01:03:58,040
We don't even have time
for apologies,

1488
01:03:58,209 --> 01:04:01,247
so just know that I forgive you
because I'm a good Lutheran.

1489
01:04:01,921 --> 01:04:03,958
- Sharon?
- What?

1490
01:04:06,468 --> 01:04:07,379
I'm gay.

1491
01:04:09,012 --> 01:04:11,595
I know this is going to come
as a complete surprise

1492
01:04:11,681 --> 01:04:14,469
to both of you, but I am gay.

1493
01:04:16,603 --> 01:04:18,595
- No.
- Yes.

1494
01:04:18,938 --> 01:04:20,270
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

1495
01:04:20,357 --> 01:04:21,723
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

1496
01:04:22,484 --> 01:04:25,522
I'm sorry, no.

1497
01:04:27,322 --> 01:04:32,693
Lars, gay is, like,
a choice, okay?

1498
01:04:32,786 --> 01:04:34,573
- Gay is, like a perm.
- Sh...

1499
01:04:34,662 --> 01:04:36,244
You can get a perm.
You cannot get a perm.

1500
01:04:36,331 --> 01:04:39,790
Gay is like slipping on
a comfortable sweater.

1501
01:04:40,043 --> 01:04:42,376
If it's a choice to slip on
a comfortable sweater,

1502
01:04:42,462 --> 01:04:44,078
yes, I just chose to put on

1503
01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:47,540
my very gay sweater
and it feels good.

1504
01:04:48,009 --> 01:04:50,001
Remember the story of the boy
and the Söcker Kaka

1505
01:04:50,095 --> 01:04:51,927
where we waited and waited
and waited?

1506
01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:55,089
That was sort of a mistake.

1507
01:04:55,392 --> 01:04:58,430
Okay, here comes those friends,
my salty old friends.

1508
01:04:58,520 --> 01:04:59,351
Here they come.

1509
01:04:59,562 --> 01:05:00,803
But you waited on...

1510
01:05:01,564 --> 01:05:04,147
You waited on something
that's never going to happen.

1511
01:05:04,442 --> 01:05:07,025
We really have to go.
Just change, okay?

1512
01:05:07,112 --> 01:05:08,353
You know what? I picked out
an outfit for you.

1513
01:05:08,446 --> 01:05:09,732
I have to swap out my hair.

1514
01:05:09,823 --> 01:05:10,859
This is not my competition hair.

1515
01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:14,108
All right, so just get dressed.
Let's go, let's go.

1516
01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:18,036
Sharon, I just want you to know
that no matter what happens,

1517
01:05:18,331 --> 01:05:21,574
I will seriously be there
for you always.

1518
01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:23,993
Yeah, Lars, because you're going
to be my husband,

1519
01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:26,044
so you'll be there.
We'll be in the same house.

1520
01:05:26,131 --> 01:05:29,420
Sharon, you're...
kind of in denial.

1521
01:05:30,385 --> 01:05:31,751
Lars, do you know
what denial is?

1522
01:05:31,845 --> 01:05:34,804
Denial's just a really negative
word for positive thinking.

1523
01:05:34,889 --> 01:05:36,846
No, in this case, denial is

1524
01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:40,017
you about to try and marry
a homosexual man.

1525
01:05:40,228 --> 01:05:42,311
There is a camp.
It's called Straight Ahead.

1526
01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:44,472
It's a place where you go
if you're confused

1527
01:05:44,566 --> 01:05:45,682
about you think you're gay.

1528
01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:47,266
You do craft projects,
fix your thinking...

1529
01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:49,977
Singing and macramé is going to
straighten someone out?

1530
01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:51,107
I don't think so.

1531
01:05:52,782 --> 01:05:55,616
Oh, this is crazy.
This is just crazy.

1532
01:05:56,286 --> 01:05:57,197
- Sharon.
- What?

1533
01:05:57,704 --> 01:05:58,694
I'm sorry.

1534
01:05:58,997 --> 01:06:01,990
If... Do you...
is it going to be weird

1535
01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:05,501
if I ask you
for the pink diamond?

1536
01:06:06,463 --> 01:06:08,375
Is that un... It's uncomf...
It is uncomfortable.

1537
01:06:08,631 --> 01:06:09,963
I'm going to go over here
for a second.

1538
01:06:10,049 --> 01:06:11,039
You don't go anywhere.

1539
01:06:12,051 --> 01:06:13,758
That... it is weird, isn't it?

1540
01:06:13,928 --> 01:06:15,419
I'll... later,
I should get it later.

1541
01:06:15,513 --> 01:06:16,629
All right, no,
it's not weird at all. Here.

1542
01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:18,339
And in fact, why don't you
get it cleaned for me

1543
01:06:18,433 --> 01:06:20,265
because it's covered
in chocolate pudding, okay?

1544
01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:25,221
I'll... I'll keep it.

1545
01:06:28,443 --> 01:06:30,480
I, um, I have a pie to make.

1546
01:06:31,571 --> 01:06:36,236
I have a million dollars to win,
so I've got to go.

1547
01:06:38,786 --> 01:06:40,903
Pauline, let's just go.

1548
01:06:44,751 --> 01:06:46,333
I'm rooting for you.

1549
01:06:53,092 --> 01:06:54,458
Ladies and gentlemen,

1550
01:06:55,803 --> 01:06:57,669
this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

1551
01:07:04,062 --> 01:07:06,805
It's time to announce
the seven finalists.

1552
01:07:07,232 --> 01:07:08,268
Number one category,

1553
01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:10,558
in bright and early
breakfast treats,

1554
01:07:10,693 --> 01:07:15,609
the winner is Hot and Tasty
Meltameeta Stuffed Biscuits,

1555
01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:18,566
Ladybug Briggs,
Atlanta, Georgia.

1556
01:07:18,660 --> 01:07:20,276
- Smells like biscuits!
- Hell, yes!

1557
01:07:20,537 --> 01:07:23,029
Circle into
the ring of fire, Ladybug!

1558
01:07:23,122 --> 01:07:26,911
- Mama, you got this!
- There she comes.

1559
01:07:27,126 --> 01:07:29,960
In the first category,
the luscious pies and cakes,

1560
01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:31,412
the winner is,

1561
01:07:31,673 --> 01:07:33,915
Easy One Cupboard
Death By Chocolate Pie,

1562
01:07:34,008 --> 01:07:36,876
Sharon Solfest,
Blue Earth, Minnesota.

1563
01:07:37,887 --> 01:07:41,801
Sharon, step into
the ring of fire.

1564
01:07:42,350 --> 01:07:43,466
Sharon,
you're the best!

1565
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:45,017
We love you the best!

1566
01:07:45,103 --> 01:07:46,389
Way to go, Sharon.

1567
01:07:50,316 --> 01:07:52,649
In... Congratulations, there.

1568
01:07:52,735 --> 01:07:53,566
Whoa!

1569
01:07:53,653 --> 01:07:56,020
In scrumptious salads and
side dishes, the winner is...

1570
01:07:56,114 --> 01:07:57,400
Whoa! What are you doing?

1571
01:07:57,991 --> 01:07:58,902
Let me help you.

1572
01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:01,032
<i>There's no way to get in there.</i>

1573
01:08:01,119 --> 01:08:03,327
<i>I think there's a little confusion
as to how to get</i>

1574
01:08:03,413 --> 01:08:04,494
<i>into the ring of fire,</i>

1575
01:08:04,581 --> 01:08:07,164
<i>and I think that causes
some to be embarrassed.</i>

1576
01:08:08,084 --> 01:08:09,074
I'm sorry, sweetie.

1577
01:08:09,669 --> 01:08:11,661
We talked this morning
about this.

1578
01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:14,417
There has to be a way
to get into the ring of fire.

1579
01:08:14,507 --> 01:08:16,169
We still haven't
found out a way

1580
01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:17,591
to get into that fire...

1581
01:08:17,719 --> 01:08:19,802
ring of fire.

1582
01:08:19,887 --> 01:08:21,253
They need a way
to get into the ring!

1583
01:08:21,347 --> 01:08:22,804
I know I said it's a ring.

1584
01:08:22,890 --> 01:08:24,722
Well, so, get
somebody down here.

1585
01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:26,467
Off you go, okay?

1586
01:08:27,270 --> 01:08:29,227
And in munchable baked delights,

1587
01:08:29,314 --> 01:08:32,933
the winner is Chocolate
Coco-Nutty Cream Bars,

1588
01:08:33,026 --> 01:08:36,519
Del Crawford, Tama, Iowa. Del!

1589
01:08:36,696 --> 01:08:37,527
You did it.

1590
01:08:37,614 --> 01:08:40,698
He did it. He's a finalist.

1591
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:45,948
Jennifer Watson...

1592
01:08:46,623 --> 01:08:49,787
Step into that ring of fire,
Jennifer!

1593
01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,414
The last finalist is
the very veggie vegetables,

1594
01:08:56,507 --> 01:08:58,715
is Pauline's Corn,

1595
01:08:58,801 --> 01:09:01,965
Pauline Solfest,
Blue Earth, Minnesota.

1596
01:09:08,394 --> 01:09:10,226
<i>This is
really exciting,</i>

1597
01:09:10,313 --> 01:09:11,849
<i>and now
it's a real blood match.</i>

1598
01:09:11,939 --> 01:09:12,804
Ladies and gentlemen,

1599
01:09:12,899 --> 01:09:16,017
two sisters competing for
the one-million-dollar prize.

1600
01:09:21,532 --> 01:09:23,990
...how we can get
into the ring of fire.

1601
01:09:24,535 --> 01:09:26,993
Congratulations
to all the winners.

1602
01:09:29,540 --> 01:09:30,656
Good job, Del!

1603
01:09:51,604 --> 01:09:52,811
<i>I bet your mama's proud.</i>

1604
01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:57,145
<i>She's dead, but my dad
is probably proud.</i>

1605
01:09:57,652 --> 01:09:58,859
<i>Very proud.</i>

1606
01:09:58,945 --> 01:10:00,402
<i>I'm sorry about your mother.</i>

1607
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:12,538
We have
our contestants here,

1608
01:10:12,625 --> 01:10:13,706
just waiting to begin.

1609
01:10:13,835 --> 01:10:17,374
Um, our final leg
of the one-million-dollar

1610
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:18,874
Van Ruckle Farms Cook-off,

1611
01:10:18,965 --> 01:10:20,331
<i>and I think any second now,</i>

1612
01:10:20,550 --> 01:10:22,337
<i>the contestants
are about to begin.</i>

1613
01:10:22,427 --> 01:10:24,919
Grand prize finalists
in the ring of fire,

1614
01:10:25,763 --> 01:10:28,176
start your ovens.

1615
01:10:49,912 --> 01:10:52,905
<i>- Has anybody approached you?
- For what, honey?</i>

1616
01:10:53,249 --> 01:10:55,036
<i>To win the million dollars,
like split it with you,</i>

1617
01:10:55,126 --> 01:10:56,287
<i>- anything like that?
- Oh.</i>

1618
01:10:56,377 --> 01:10:57,868
<i>I mean, not to put too fine
a point on it.</i>

1619
01:10:58,129 --> 01:11:00,462
<i>No, but I wonder,
is it too late for me</i>

1620
01:11:00,548 --> 01:11:02,084
<i>to approach somebody?</i>

1621
01:11:03,760 --> 01:11:04,876
<i>Do you feel sorry for anybody?</i>

1622
01:11:04,969 --> 01:11:06,130
<i>Is there somebody
you would vote for</i>

1623
01:11:06,220 --> 01:11:07,210
<i>because you feel sorry
for them?</i>

1624
01:11:07,555 --> 01:11:09,262
<i>In the black leather outfit</i>

1625
01:11:09,599 --> 01:11:12,182
<i>is weeping into
a large mixing bowl.</i>

1626
01:11:20,943 --> 01:11:21,774
Sharon.

1627
01:11:21,986 --> 01:11:23,648
Sharon. Sharon?

1628
01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:26,150
Sharon, I love you.
I'm sorry we weren't talking.

1629
01:11:26,240 --> 01:11:30,405
Come on. Come on.

1630
01:11:30,495 --> 01:11:33,033
- You're my best friend.
- You're my best friend, too.

1631
01:11:33,164 --> 01:11:34,496
Come on. Come on.

1632
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:36,790
You are my shero.

1633
01:11:36,918 --> 01:11:38,534
You're everything I want...

1634
01:11:39,253 --> 01:11:40,789
<i>Honey, I'm going to do
what they do</i>

1635
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:42,291
<i>on the TV programs.</i>

1636
01:11:42,381 --> 01:11:44,498
<i>You know, where they put
the people out on the island</i>

1637
01:11:44,592 --> 01:11:45,753
<i>and you have to get voted off.</i>

1638
01:11:45,968 --> 01:11:47,254
<i>I'm going to do what they call</i>

1639
01:11:47,386 --> 01:11:49,548
<i>stay under the radar.</i>

1640
01:11:49,806 --> 01:11:53,015
Well, you know,
her boyfriend, he's a real...

1641
01:11:53,100 --> 01:11:55,217
he's different, okay?
He's a real different guy.

1642
01:11:55,353 --> 01:11:56,184
Listen to me.

1643
01:11:56,521 --> 01:11:58,604
I'm gonna grab your arm
real strong like,

1644
01:11:58,815 --> 01:12:00,022
and I'm going to say
listen here!

1645
01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:02,228
You've got cooking to do!

1646
01:12:02,318 --> 01:12:03,980
You ain't got no time
to be worrying about

1647
01:12:04,070 --> 01:12:05,106
what your man does,

1648
01:12:05,196 --> 01:12:08,155
say he want to go mess around
with another man.

1649
01:12:08,574 --> 01:12:10,486
You've got to pull
this thing together here.

1650
01:12:10,576 --> 01:12:12,442
Don't let no mans
pull you down.

1651
01:12:12,578 --> 01:12:14,365
- Okay.
- You understand what I'm...

1652
01:12:14,497 --> 01:12:17,331
- You're totally right.
- Stop crying and get to bakin'.

1653
01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:19,875
Sharon, she's right.
Get to bakin'.

1654
01:12:20,086 --> 01:12:21,748
Compartmentalize.

1655
01:12:24,257 --> 01:12:25,088
Bake!

1656
01:12:26,300 --> 01:12:27,416
Come on, go.

1657
01:12:27,885 --> 01:12:29,092
No, I'm doing it.

1658
01:12:29,679 --> 01:12:31,420
I'm doing it just like you said.

1659
01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:33,255
Yeah, 'cause I can do
what I want.

1660
01:12:33,349 --> 01:12:35,136
That's right,
with whatever you...

1661
01:12:35,935 --> 01:12:37,051
what are you looking at?

1662
01:12:37,562 --> 01:12:38,928
You want to
mind your own business?

1663
01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:41,980
Well, look, your recipe
isn't the Bible, okay?

1664
01:12:42,567 --> 01:12:44,058
No, it's not your business.

1665
01:12:44,569 --> 01:12:45,730
No, I did that.

1666
01:12:47,363 --> 01:12:48,194
Hi.

1667
01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:51,527
Look, if it doesn't win,

1668
01:12:51,617 --> 01:12:53,609
I'm gonna
burn your house down.

1669
01:12:56,205 --> 01:12:57,946
My grandfather.

1670
01:12:59,709 --> 01:13:01,666
You better watch your Ps and Qs.

1671
01:13:06,507 --> 01:13:09,295
Something smells like poop
in this ring of fire.

1672
01:13:10,803 --> 01:13:13,386
And I'm standing
right next to it, okay?

1673
01:13:25,401 --> 01:13:28,018
Uh...

1674
01:13:31,365 --> 01:13:32,651
You're leaking.

1675
01:13:33,200 --> 01:13:34,031
What?

1676
01:13:34,118 --> 01:13:35,780
You're leaking. You've got fluid
coming out of ya.

1677
01:13:36,454 --> 01:13:37,490
You peeing in the ring of fire?

1678
01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:38,946
I'm not peeing
in the ring of fire

1679
01:13:39,040 --> 01:13:40,531
and I'm not leaking, idiot.

1680
01:13:40,708 --> 01:13:42,995
- What is it then? It's like...
- It's just a little spillage

1681
01:13:43,169 --> 01:13:45,877
of some special ingredients
that I use.

1682
01:13:46,797 --> 01:13:48,083
Coming out of your hoo-ha?

1683
01:13:49,216 --> 01:13:50,627
When are you going to
tell someone

1684
01:13:50,718 --> 01:13:51,834
that you're in labor?

1685
01:13:51,928 --> 01:13:53,920
That was a leg cramp.

1686
01:13:54,013 --> 01:13:54,878
Come over here.

1687
01:13:56,891 --> 01:13:59,634
Breathe. Breathe through it.

1688
01:13:59,727 --> 01:14:00,763
<i>How are things?</i>

1689
01:14:01,437 --> 01:14:02,268
<i>Good.</i>

1690
01:14:03,189 --> 01:14:05,146
<i>You're kind of a laconic guy,
aren't you?</i>

1691
01:14:05,232 --> 01:14:06,973
<i>You're one of...
you're the only man in here.</i>

1692
01:14:07,068 --> 01:14:07,899
<i>How's it feel?</i>

1693
01:14:08,736 --> 01:14:10,648
<i>Um, they didn't tell me
I'd be the only man.</i>

1694
01:14:11,572 --> 01:14:15,282
Do me a favor. Please,
please don't tell anybody.

1695
01:14:15,743 --> 01:14:17,655
- Pauline, I love you.
- I love you.

1696
01:14:17,912 --> 01:14:19,574
This smoke in the ring of fire

1697
01:14:19,664 --> 01:14:21,121
is just not working for me.

1698
01:14:21,207 --> 01:14:23,699
I'm sorry, I'm not cooking
hickory chicken here.

1699
01:14:24,085 --> 01:14:25,451
No, I'm not bruising
the coconut.

1700
01:14:25,544 --> 01:14:28,252
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the final countdown.

1701
01:14:30,049 --> 01:14:31,415
Ten, nine,

1702
01:14:32,927 --> 01:14:35,089
eight, seven, six...

1703
01:14:37,390 --> 01:14:39,507
five, four, three,

1704
01:14:39,725 --> 01:14:44,265
two, one.
Time is up! Oven's off!

1705
01:14:44,355 --> 01:14:45,891
Thank you very much,

1706
01:14:45,982 --> 01:14:47,518
ladies and gentleman.

1707
01:14:47,942 --> 01:14:48,853
There, the lights go up.

1708
01:14:48,985 --> 01:14:50,647
<i>It's over and I will be</i>

1709
01:14:50,736 --> 01:14:52,898
<i>bringing you live,
the million-dollar winner</i>

1710
01:14:52,989 --> 01:14:55,276
- as soon as new know about it.
- Final judging!

1711
01:14:57,576 --> 01:14:58,612
<i>How are you feeling?</i>

1712
01:14:58,786 --> 01:15:00,197
<i>Good.
I'm feeling very, very good.</i>

1713
01:15:02,665 --> 01:15:06,329
<i>There goes the Hot and Tasty
Meltameeta Stuffed Biscuits</i>

1714
01:15:06,460 --> 01:15:08,042
<i>and how are you feeling,
Ladybug?</i>

1715
01:15:08,295 --> 01:15:10,582
<i>It's all up to God now.</i>

1716
01:15:20,683 --> 01:15:22,800
To the point.
That's what it is.

1717
01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:30,273
Breakfast is
the stuffed biscuits

1718
01:15:30,359 --> 01:15:32,396
and by Ladybug Briggs,

1719
01:15:32,528 --> 01:15:34,986
Atlanta, Georgia. It is...

1720
01:15:35,072 --> 01:15:37,314
Ladybug Briggs,
she has a gold tooth.

1721
01:15:37,408 --> 01:15:39,400
This is the dish that's causing
a lot of buzz here.

1722
01:15:39,785 --> 01:15:42,493
Any, uh, mention there
of a nail?

1723
01:15:42,580 --> 01:15:44,788
Let me ask Ladybug Briggs.

1724
01:15:44,874 --> 01:15:46,866
Oh, that's one of her nails.

1725
01:15:47,084 --> 01:15:47,915
Try to get one.

1726
01:15:48,002 --> 01:15:49,288
Maybe there's a false eyelash
in there somewhere.

1727
01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:50,334
I don't know,
maybe someone's purse.

1728
01:15:50,421 --> 01:15:51,252
Who knows.

1729
01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:54,756
I've been very moved
by these women

1730
01:15:54,842 --> 01:15:56,458
and that one crazy guy
who came here

1731
01:15:56,552 --> 01:15:58,134
and cooked their hearts
and souls out

1732
01:15:58,637 --> 01:16:00,845
with these peculiar,
peculiar dishes.

1733
01:16:00,931 --> 01:16:01,762
Well...

1734
01:16:01,849 --> 01:16:04,592
But we have to
absolutely vote for...

1735
01:16:04,685 --> 01:16:05,596
Choose a winner.

1736
01:16:06,854 --> 01:16:08,140
that tastes the best.

1737
01:16:08,272 --> 01:16:10,389
- That does not taste the best.
- To me it tastes great.

1738
01:16:10,483 --> 01:16:12,019
Well, you know,
taste is subjective.

1739
01:16:12,526 --> 01:16:15,314
It sounds like you're kind of
pushing us towards this.

1740
01:16:15,404 --> 01:16:16,690
- No.
- For nefarious reasons.

1741
01:16:16,781 --> 01:16:18,397
I think it's
drawing us toward it.

1742
01:16:18,491 --> 01:16:19,322
Nefarious.

1743
01:16:19,408 --> 01:16:20,364
And apparently somebody
really likes it.

1744
01:16:20,451 --> 01:16:21,987
- Morty likes it.
- Morty's not a judge.

1745
01:16:22,078 --> 01:16:23,068
Subject to us.

1746
01:16:24,538 --> 01:16:26,200
<i>We need access
to the jumbotron.</i>

1747
01:16:26,290 --> 01:16:27,121
<i>We want to put that tape...</i>

1748
01:16:27,208 --> 01:16:28,324
<i>you know that tape
I'm talking about?</i>

1749
01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:30,079
- This is fixed.
- Absolutely, not.

1750
01:16:30,169 --> 01:16:31,000
I smell a rat.

1751
01:16:31,087 --> 01:16:32,168
- And I, I'll alert the media.
- Let me just tell you,

1752
01:16:32,254 --> 01:16:34,871
the Federated Groceries
and Van Rookle Farms

1753
01:16:34,965 --> 01:16:36,672
really need to shore up
their support

1754
01:16:36,801 --> 01:16:38,042
in the urban ethnic communities,

1755
01:16:38,135 --> 01:16:40,843
and for me,
what better way to do it?

1756
01:16:41,722 --> 01:16:43,384
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

1757
01:16:43,724 --> 01:16:45,556
I'll go to the media, I mean it.

1758
01:16:45,684 --> 01:16:47,801
<i>My next door neighbor's cousin
is on The View.</i>

1759
01:16:47,895 --> 01:16:50,979
Okay, okay, which one
are you voting for?

1760
01:16:53,359 --> 01:16:54,645
We now come to the climax

1761
01:16:54,735 --> 01:16:56,476
of the Van Rookle
Farms Cook-off.

1762
01:16:57,655 --> 01:17:01,319
On that silver tray is
the one-million-dollar recipe.

1763
01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:05,194
So, without further ado,

1764
01:17:05,746 --> 01:17:08,204
the winner and the entry
that gets to run away

1765
01:17:08,290 --> 01:17:11,374
with one million dollars
of Morty Van Pookle's money

1766
01:17:11,710 --> 01:17:12,791
is...

1767
01:17:13,712 --> 01:17:15,169
Del Crawford for his

1768
01:17:15,256 --> 01:17:18,124
Chocolate Coco-Nutty
Dream Bars recipe.

1769
01:17:18,300 --> 01:17:21,589
<i>- Del Crawford.
- I won! I won!</i>

1770
01:17:23,264 --> 01:17:24,095
I won!

1771
01:17:24,181 --> 01:17:26,798
Justice! Justice! Justice!

1772
01:17:27,810 --> 01:17:28,721
Ladies and gentleman,

1773
01:17:28,811 --> 01:17:31,303
<i>I promised you a story.
This is a story and a half,</i>

1774
01:17:31,397 --> 01:17:32,888
<i>you are not
going to believe this.</i>

1775
01:17:32,982 --> 01:17:34,814
<i>Just watch and learn.</i>

1776
01:17:36,193 --> 01:17:37,650
<i>I used to run one...</i>

1777
01:17:37,736 --> 01:17:39,272
<i>- Whoo!
- Yeah!</i>

1778
01:17:40,072 --> 01:17:42,280
<i>This isn't my thing.
I mean, I don't bake.</i>

1779
01:17:42,366 --> 01:17:43,527
<i>I don't like baked goods.</i>

1780
01:17:43,617 --> 01:17:45,779
<i>I don't like...
I like chocolate.</i>

1781
01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:47,990
What is this?
What is this?

1782
01:17:48,330 --> 01:17:50,071
...the gay bar?

1783
01:17:50,833 --> 01:17:52,870
<i>I've got to lower the phone,
I thought I blew it...</i>

1784
01:17:56,088 --> 01:17:57,329
<i>I just want to hold
that really big check.</i>

1785
01:17:57,423 --> 01:17:58,584
That man's a cheater!

1786
01:17:58,924 --> 01:18:01,291
<i>- No, I mean I really do.
- What?</i>

1787
01:18:01,385 --> 01:18:03,217
<i>He cheated my mama
out of a million dollars!</i>

1788
01:18:03,304 --> 01:18:04,761
Turn off the jumbotron!

1789
01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:07,051
That ain't going down like that!

1790
01:18:10,019 --> 01:18:11,430
Please calm down!
I need...

1791
01:18:20,821 --> 01:18:22,357
Get out! Get out!

1792
01:18:26,118 --> 01:18:29,111
<i>There's been cheating at
the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.</i>

1793
01:18:29,205 --> 01:18:30,912
<i>It has never happened
in the history of...</i>

1794
01:18:30,998 --> 01:18:32,330
<i>We will prepare a statement.</i>

1795
01:18:32,708 --> 01:18:34,165
Nothing to worry about,
people.

1796
01:18:34,251 --> 01:18:35,867
Just get everybody out
and that means you.

1797
01:18:35,961 --> 01:18:38,419
I have credentials!

1798
01:18:41,759 --> 01:18:43,250
Security guards on every door.

1799
01:18:43,469 --> 01:18:45,005
I want everybody out.

1800
01:18:49,099 --> 01:18:51,136
Excuse me, I need you out...
I need you outside.

1801
01:18:54,355 --> 01:18:57,473
A leopard does not
change its spots.

1802
01:19:03,030 --> 01:19:03,861
- Where's the...
- He just ran out!

1803
01:19:03,948 --> 01:19:04,904
Oh, yeah.

1804
01:19:21,173 --> 01:19:22,914
At this time, I'm going to
need everybody

1805
01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:25,125
to disperse from this area.

1806
01:19:25,261 --> 01:19:26,923
<i>I am bringing to you live</i>

1807
01:19:27,012 --> 01:19:28,924
<i>here from the Van Rookle
Farms Cook-off</i>

1808
01:19:29,306 --> 01:19:31,548
<i>what may well be
the very first incident</i>

1809
01:19:31,642 --> 01:19:33,474
<i>of cheating ever
at the cook-off.</i>

1810
01:19:33,727 --> 01:19:37,641
<i>Well, it seems that three time
finalist, Daneel Kuhar,</i>

1811
01:19:37,773 --> 01:19:41,813
<i>has put in her fiancé,
Del Crawford, in her place,</i>

1812
01:19:42,027 --> 01:19:44,144
<i>calling him from the audience</i>

1813
01:19:44,238 --> 01:19:46,321
<i>in order to prompt him
on his recipe</i>

1814
01:19:46,407 --> 01:19:47,773
<i>in order to win
the one million dollars,</i>

1815
01:19:47,866 --> 01:19:51,530
<i>a clear infraction of the Van
Rookle Farms Cook-off rules.</i>

1816
01:19:56,542 --> 01:19:57,749
<i>Hey, honey. Just checking in.</i>

1817
01:19:57,835 --> 01:19:59,201
<i>- How are you doing?
- Hi, honey.</i>

1818
01:19:59,545 --> 01:20:01,582
It sounds like you're in pain.
What's going on?

1819
01:20:02,006 --> 01:20:04,794
- The baby's coming, isn't he?
- Shut up. I haven't... sh!

1820
01:20:05,175 --> 01:20:08,919
I honestly need to speak
with my ex-fiancé, Sharon.

1821
01:20:09,013 --> 01:20:11,005
Though I no longer feel
that way about women,

1822
01:20:11,098 --> 01:20:12,680
we still have
a very special connection.

1823
01:20:12,766 --> 01:20:15,053
I understand, sir, and I
celebrate your lifestyle,

1824
01:20:15,144 --> 01:20:17,261
but no one
is going inside this room!

1825
01:20:17,354 --> 01:20:20,097
The area is sealed,
code black!

1826
01:20:24,194 --> 01:20:25,685
Make way for the muffin.
Make way for the muffin.

1827
01:20:25,779 --> 01:20:27,611
That is it! Just the muffin.
Just the muffin!

1828
01:20:29,199 --> 01:20:30,280
You're not a muffin...

1829
01:20:31,702 --> 01:20:33,659
All right, lady,
you're coming with me.

1830
01:20:35,331 --> 01:20:36,663
You know, but I don't think
now's the time.

1831
01:20:36,749 --> 01:20:38,456
- Sweetheart, come with me.
- No, no, I've seen you look.

1832
01:20:38,542 --> 01:20:39,908
Oh, God!

1833
01:20:40,002 --> 01:20:43,416
- I'm sure you're very good.
- Honey, it's me. It's me.

1834
01:20:44,048 --> 01:20:45,755
All right, just understand
that I have my orders.

1835
01:20:46,508 --> 01:20:47,965
...from Mr. Whims himself!

1836
01:20:50,137 --> 01:20:52,299
Everybody, just please,
if you could just,

1837
01:20:52,389 --> 01:20:53,755
if we could just
have your patience.

1838
01:20:55,768 --> 01:20:57,100
We're in a lockdown.

1839
01:20:57,644 --> 01:20:58,885
Anyone who is not
a final contestant

1840
01:20:58,979 --> 01:20:59,810
needs to wait here.

1841
01:20:59,897 --> 01:21:01,638
Did you hear that?
We're in a lockdown.

1842
01:21:01,899 --> 01:21:05,142
I have been authorized
to use pepper force on you!

1843
01:21:05,611 --> 01:21:07,853
Everybody just take
one giant step back.

1844
01:21:07,946 --> 01:21:09,778
Don't make me pull out
my feng shui on you, man.

1845
01:21:09,865 --> 01:21:11,982
- Whoa, okay.
- I'll go yin-yang on you, bro.

1846
01:21:12,076 --> 01:21:13,988
I am unsheathing
my pepper spray!

1847
01:21:14,411 --> 01:21:15,777
<i>I don't know
if you can see this here,</i>

1848
01:21:15,871 --> 01:21:17,988
<i>but they're
bringing in a stretcher.</i>

1849
01:21:18,082 --> 01:21:19,698
Clear a path, please?

1850
01:21:20,918 --> 01:21:22,910
No one may go in!
No one is allowed!

1851
01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:26,629
That is not how it works
in my conference room.

1852
01:21:26,840 --> 01:21:29,082
Just calm down.

1853
01:21:29,343 --> 01:21:31,380
I am calm.
You remain calm!

1854
01:21:31,762 --> 01:21:34,505
There's a 911 call, there's
a woman in labor in there.

1855
01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:40,051
Okay, okay, just him.

1856
01:21:40,813 --> 01:21:42,020
How come y'all ain't
called the police

1857
01:21:42,106 --> 01:21:43,142
on the white dude!

1858
01:21:44,024 --> 01:21:45,310
My mama's in there man!

1859
01:21:45,818 --> 01:21:46,729
Your mother's been...

1860
01:21:47,111 --> 01:21:49,649
I'll go straight
Kung Pao chicken on you man!

1861
01:21:51,824 --> 01:21:53,440
Man, they're
freaks about security.

1862
01:21:53,534 --> 01:21:54,991
These Van Rookle people
are nut balls,

1863
01:21:55,077 --> 01:21:55,908
I'm not kidding ya.

1864
01:21:58,414 --> 01:22:01,248
- Did you let the paramedics in?
- The Muffin Man authorized it.

1865
01:22:01,333 --> 01:22:02,369
This is the Muffin Man!

1866
01:22:02,459 --> 01:22:04,291
I didn't recognize him
without his suit.

1867
01:22:04,920 --> 01:22:06,411
My mama's in there,
she don't need to see that.

1868
01:22:06,588 --> 01:22:07,704
My mama's in there!

1869
01:22:09,466 --> 01:22:11,048
- The competition's over.
- Ma'am.

1870
01:22:11,218 --> 01:22:12,584
- Ma'am, what's wrong?
- Are you...

1871
01:22:12,928 --> 01:22:14,635
- Do you know Lamaze?
- Yeah, I've had three.

1872
01:22:15,639 --> 01:22:16,720
Do your breathing.

1873
01:22:16,932 --> 01:22:17,843
Hi, I'm Timothy Whims.

1874
01:22:18,142 --> 01:22:18,973
- Hi...
- What's your name?

1875
01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:20,800
Uh, I'm the Muffin Man.

1876
01:22:20,894 --> 01:22:22,101
Okay, actually,
no, you're not

1877
01:22:22,187 --> 01:22:24,725
and we'd appreciate it
if you'd take off our mascot.

1878
01:22:25,107 --> 01:22:26,439
Now... please.

1879
01:22:26,525 --> 01:22:28,642
I can't take it off.
My wife's having a baby.

1880
01:22:29,027 --> 01:22:32,566
Pauline.
Pauline, hi.

1881
01:22:32,865 --> 01:22:38,236
Uh, could you get the apron,
please, Pauline?

1882
01:22:40,914 --> 01:22:42,576
Thank you. Thank you.

1883
01:22:43,584 --> 01:22:44,415
Uh...

1884
01:22:45,252 --> 01:22:48,336
- It's good to see you again.
- Put that on. Put that on.

1885
01:22:52,217 --> 01:22:53,424
Who are you?

1886
01:22:53,510 --> 01:22:56,799
Who...
I'm the Muffin Man.

1887
01:22:57,264 --> 01:22:59,472
You don't... yeah.

1888
01:22:59,641 --> 01:23:00,973
- No.
- Yeah.

1889
01:23:01,477 --> 01:23:04,140
- No.
- Without my suit.

1890
01:23:04,229 --> 01:23:05,936
- No.
- It's what I look like.

1891
01:23:06,023 --> 01:23:07,514
Why don't you have your suit on?

1892
01:23:07,608 --> 01:23:09,144
Well, I sold it.

1893
01:23:09,234 --> 01:23:11,692
We're in a lockdown,
so I'm going to need all of you

1894
01:23:11,778 --> 01:23:14,111
to leave ASAP,
and if you want to go too,

1895
01:23:14,198 --> 01:23:16,281
you can go but you forfeit
your eligibility.

1896
01:23:16,366 --> 01:23:17,277
You know what, guys...

1897
01:23:17,576 --> 01:23:20,284
Sure.
They are dividing our families.

1898
01:23:21,747 --> 01:23:23,739
There are more of us
than there are of them.

1899
01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:27,204
<i>So now you're listening to him
stirring up the crowd.</i>

1900
01:23:27,377 --> 01:23:31,246
We've seen muffins go by,
we've seen naked men go by.

1901
01:23:32,132 --> 01:23:35,625
I think you're wonderful
and... I hope you win.

1902
01:23:35,886 --> 01:23:37,593
Are you saying that to me
because if I win,

1903
01:23:37,679 --> 01:23:39,090
you're gonna want my money
or something?

1904
01:23:39,181 --> 01:23:40,672
No. No.

1905
01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:41,597
I want drugs.

1906
01:23:41,892 --> 01:23:43,758
Honey, I'm gonna get
a vasectomy.

1907
01:23:43,977 --> 01:23:45,684
You said vasectomy, didn't ya?

1908
01:23:45,854 --> 01:23:47,561
- Okay.
- I don't mean to be too forward.

1909
01:23:48,023 --> 01:23:51,187
I think you're as beautiful as
the whole state of Minnesota.

1910
01:23:51,276 --> 01:23:54,235
Never in my life

1911
01:23:54,321 --> 01:23:57,405
has anyone ever said anything
to me that way.

1912
01:24:05,749 --> 01:24:07,365
Step aside and open that door.

1913
01:24:14,424 --> 01:24:16,541
- I'm rooting for you.
- Thanks.

1914
01:24:19,888 --> 01:24:22,756
Anybody hurts themselves,
I am a lawyer.

1915
01:24:24,268 --> 01:24:25,634
Please, please,

1916
01:24:25,727 --> 01:24:27,093
will you hold it down,
ladies and gentlemen?

1917
01:24:27,187 --> 01:24:29,395
I've never seen anything
like this in my whole life.

1918
01:24:29,523 --> 01:24:31,435
I don't get paid enough money
for this!

1919
01:24:31,525 --> 01:24:33,642
Hold it down. Hold it down!

1920
01:24:34,611 --> 01:24:35,601
<i>From the Nosh Network,</i>

1921
01:24:35,696 --> 01:24:37,528
<i>I think finally
we are going to hear</i>

1922
01:24:37,614 --> 01:24:39,276
<i>who the final, final winner</i>

1923
01:24:39,408 --> 01:24:41,650
<i>of the Van Rookle
Farms Cook-off is,</i>

1924
01:24:41,743 --> 01:24:45,032
<i>after much Sturm und Drang,
after much emotion.</i>

1925
01:24:45,622 --> 01:24:47,830
<i>The judges and contestants
are filing in,</i>

1926
01:24:48,000 --> 01:24:48,831
<i>we're finally gonna hear</i>

1927
01:24:48,917 --> 01:24:51,204
<i>who wins
the million-dollar prize.</i>

1928
01:24:51,753 --> 01:24:54,291
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen...

1929
01:24:55,549 --> 01:24:58,508
The judges have decided
in their infinite wisdom

1930
01:24:58,844 --> 01:25:01,803
and their desire
to avoid a lawsuit,

1931
01:25:02,264 --> 01:25:04,381
that the winner
of the Van Rookle Farm's

1932
01:25:04,474 --> 01:25:06,010
one-million-dollar cook-off

1933
01:25:06,852 --> 01:25:09,936
is Pauline Solfest
for Pauline's corn.

1934
01:25:19,448 --> 01:25:21,030
Oh, hell, no!

1935
01:25:30,667 --> 01:25:33,785
- Oh, yes!
- I won!

1936
01:25:36,923 --> 01:25:38,664
Oh, my God...

1937
01:25:39,384 --> 01:25:41,967
Oh, I feel like I'm dreaming.

1938
01:25:42,095 --> 01:25:44,712
Oh, my God. You guys are
all looking at me right now.

1939
01:25:44,890 --> 01:25:48,725
I don't know what to say...
I didn't prepare anything...

1940
01:25:49,811 --> 01:25:52,144
Oh, my God.

1941
01:25:53,899 --> 01:25:54,855
<i>This is America.</i>

1942
01:25:55,359 --> 01:25:58,147
<i>Anything can happen,
anyone can make it,</i>

1943
01:25:58,487 --> 01:26:01,275
<i>and this is a young woman's
dream come true.</i>

1944
01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:07,156
You know, corn...
is amazing.

1945
01:26:07,287 --> 01:26:09,995
Corn, it is good,
it is sweet, you know.

1946
01:26:10,374 --> 01:26:12,866
Corn is good, and I love corn.

1947
01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:15,622
What's that? Oh.

1948
01:26:16,254 --> 01:26:17,836
Thank you so much.

1949
01:26:18,006 --> 01:26:19,713
I wouldn't have realized
this life

1950
01:26:19,800 --> 01:26:23,089
if it wasn't for my supportive
sister, Pauline.

1951
01:26:25,472 --> 01:26:28,761
You have decided to
let me in the limelight.

1952
01:26:29,559 --> 01:26:32,142
This is where I've been able
to truly shine.

1953
01:26:32,229 --> 01:26:33,515
If it wasn't for her,

1954
01:26:34,231 --> 01:26:37,770
I wouldn't have had...
the confidence

1955
01:26:37,901 --> 01:26:40,484
to apply for the
Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

1956
01:26:40,570 --> 01:26:43,984
Thank you, judges,
and thank you, Sharon.

1957
01:26:44,282 --> 01:26:46,023
Aw.

1958
01:26:46,410 --> 01:26:49,699
I love America.

1959
01:26:50,414 --> 01:26:52,531
Thank you.
I love you, too.

1960
01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:05,884
<i>Good evening,</i>

1961
01:27:05,971 --> 01:27:07,587
<i>and welcome to The
Christine Merriweather Report.</i>

1962
01:27:07,973 --> 01:27:10,181
<i>Six months after
the Van Rookle Farms scandal,</i>

1963
01:27:10,600 --> 01:27:11,636
<i>where are they now?</i>

1964
01:27:11,977 --> 01:27:14,390
<i>We'll take you inside the lives
of the contestants,</i>

1965
01:27:14,479 --> 01:27:16,812
<i>judges, and the Van Rookle
employees,</i>

1966
01:27:17,065 --> 01:27:18,772
<i>in the aftermath
of the only cook-off</i>

1967
01:27:18,859 --> 01:27:20,270
<i>in the history of this country,</i>

1968
01:27:20,402 --> 01:27:22,894
<i>to spark a full
Senate investigation.</i>

1969
01:27:23,029 --> 01:27:25,066
<i>This is a story
you do not want to miss.</i>

1970
01:27:25,323 --> 01:27:26,154
Stay tuned.

1971
01:27:26,616 --> 01:27:27,823
And we caught those cheaters.

1972
01:27:27,951 --> 01:27:29,067
We did. We caught 'em.

1973
01:27:29,161 --> 01:27:30,493
We put 'em...
we put 'em in jail.

1974
01:27:30,579 --> 01:27:32,411
<i>The Kuhar woman,
we got her...</i>

1975
01:27:32,497 --> 01:27:35,035
<i>tax fraud
for cheating the contest.</i>

1976
01:27:35,167 --> 01:27:37,124
<i>You know she had that
boyfriend, we got him, too.</i>

1977
01:27:37,252 --> 01:27:39,494
<i>He's in the big house now.</i>

1978
01:27:39,755 --> 01:27:42,793
We got him
on grand theft motorcycle.

1979
01:27:44,885 --> 01:27:46,171
<i>Not as big a charge,</i>

1980
01:27:46,428 --> 01:27:48,795
but it's still substantial
in my book.

1981
01:27:48,889 --> 01:27:49,925
It's been a dream of mine

1982
01:27:50,015 --> 01:27:52,803
to have a really big check
in my hands.

1983
01:27:53,268 --> 01:27:54,850
Not so much the amount,

1984
01:27:54,936 --> 01:27:57,349
but the size of it,
for a real long, long time,

1985
01:27:57,439 --> 01:28:00,352
since I was a kid, you know,
and saw that on TV.

1986
01:28:00,442 --> 01:28:03,355
I was like, "Man,
I hope I get to hold

1987
01:28:03,445 --> 01:28:04,686
a really big check some day."

1988
01:28:04,863 --> 01:28:08,072
<i>I would say to the people
at Van Rookle Farms,</i>

1989
01:28:08,200 --> 01:28:10,283
make sure that
the checks are small,

1990
01:28:11,036 --> 01:28:12,026
again not the amount,

1991
01:28:12,120 --> 01:28:14,157
the size of the actual...
the literal size of the check.

1992
01:28:14,247 --> 01:28:16,204
I would say to the young people
of this country,

1993
01:28:16,291 --> 01:28:18,783
stay away from baked goods,
they're fattening.

1994
01:28:19,044 --> 01:28:20,501
And I would also say

1995
01:28:20,921 --> 01:28:23,629
open yourself up to all kinds
of experiences.

1996
01:28:24,382 --> 01:28:26,499
Kill somebody, you know.

1997
01:28:27,594 --> 01:28:29,085
I'm philosophical about it.

1998
01:28:29,304 --> 01:28:30,135
Uh...

1999
01:28:30,514 --> 01:28:32,346
I get laid more in here.

2000
01:28:33,433 --> 01:28:35,299
I don't think I've ever
fully recovered

2001
01:28:35,393 --> 01:28:36,304
from not winning.

2002
01:28:36,394 --> 01:28:38,010
Now Thaddeus seems to think

2003
01:28:38,104 --> 01:28:39,390
that there's some kind of way

2004
01:28:39,481 --> 01:28:41,689
I can still
collect some earnings.

2005
01:28:41,775 --> 01:28:43,141
Thaddeus blew it for you, mama.

2006
01:28:43,568 --> 01:28:45,184
Mama, it is not your fault
at all.

2007
01:28:45,278 --> 01:28:48,817
It's the fault of certain
Korean businesses

2008
01:28:48,907 --> 01:28:51,115
like the Nail Pretty Heaven
Salon,

2009
01:28:51,368 --> 01:28:56,113
that are cutting corners
with their... their materials.

2010
01:28:56,206 --> 01:28:59,040
They stopped using good glue
down there at that place.

2011
01:28:59,125 --> 01:29:00,036
That's what I'm talking about.

2012
01:29:00,126 --> 01:29:02,743
These Korean people cut corners.

2013
01:29:02,879 --> 01:29:05,121
Easy. You shouldn't be
bothering the Koreans.

2014
01:29:05,215 --> 01:29:07,002
They have suffered enough
with Vietnam and all that.

2015
01:29:07,092 --> 01:29:07,923
They don't need this.

2016
01:29:08,009 --> 01:29:10,376
Well, they come over here
to this boy's church,

2017
01:29:10,470 --> 01:29:13,213
<i>yelling and had signs
and everything.</i>

2018
01:29:14,349 --> 01:29:17,342
Which has caused my mother
to lose a million dollars.

2019
01:29:19,062 --> 01:29:22,681
So we have filed a suit to make
them pay for their negligence.

2020
01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:26,351
Now this is just them
getting some steam off.

2021
01:29:26,528 --> 01:29:28,190
It's nothing serious,
nothing to worry about.

2022
01:29:28,280 --> 01:29:30,567
You need to go out there.
It's your Ho.

2023
01:29:30,782 --> 01:29:32,068
Don't call my girlfriend a ho.

2024
01:29:32,242 --> 01:29:33,733
That's her name, isn't it? Ho?

2025
01:29:33,827 --> 01:29:36,319
Well, it's Ho Lyn Lee Winn.

2026
01:29:36,413 --> 01:29:38,245
I'm going to go out there.

2027
01:29:38,331 --> 01:29:41,369
No, I'm gonna go out there!

2028
01:29:41,877 --> 01:29:43,539
No, you ain't going out there!

2029
01:29:44,504 --> 01:29:46,621
Those people probably go knives!
Mama, please!

2030
01:29:46,715 --> 01:29:48,047
Ow! Ow!

2031
01:29:48,133 --> 01:29:52,969
After the competition,
I... did not have a meltdown.

2032
01:29:53,054 --> 01:29:55,592
I know that that is
the rumor that you heard,

2033
01:29:55,849 --> 01:29:57,465
<i>but I had an awakening.</i>

2034
01:29:57,642 --> 01:30:01,386
This incredible voice
came out... of me.

2035
01:30:01,730 --> 01:30:02,937
You know, it was like a...

2036
01:30:09,195 --> 01:30:11,608
<i>I just knew that there were
a lot of people out there</i>

2037
01:30:11,740 --> 01:30:13,857
<i>that hated their mother,</i>

2038
01:30:13,950 --> 01:30:16,567
and if I could just, like,
reach out to,

2039
01:30:16,661 --> 01:30:19,870
like, that 13-year-old girl who,
you know,

2040
01:30:19,956 --> 01:30:22,699
wants her mother to be
hit... in the head,

2041
01:30:22,918 --> 01:30:24,659
you know, with a hammer.

2042
01:30:25,086 --> 01:30:29,456
So I thought, "Yeah,
Victoria's Secretions."

2043
01:30:41,519 --> 01:30:42,805
She's apparently gone into

2044
01:30:42,896 --> 01:30:44,933
some sort of a music career,

2045
01:30:45,023 --> 01:30:46,639
but she never had any...
I tried to.

2046
01:30:46,733 --> 01:30:49,316
I gave her piano lessons
but we had to cut that off

2047
01:30:49,402 --> 01:30:50,609
when she was in second grade.

2048
01:30:50,695 --> 01:30:53,187
She, um, she bit the piano.

2049
01:30:53,281 --> 01:30:54,738
We don't speak.
We have not spoken.

2050
01:30:55,075 --> 01:30:56,191
Present the house.

2051
01:30:56,785 --> 01:30:57,992
Military turn.

2052
01:30:58,954 --> 01:31:01,867
<i>Larry and I found Sandra.
She's been fine.</i>

2053
01:31:01,957 --> 01:31:03,619
She was a little mouthy
at first.

2054
01:31:03,917 --> 01:31:06,330
She has a little bit
of an attitude,

2055
01:31:06,419 --> 01:31:07,785
but we're working on that,
aren't we?

2056
01:31:08,505 --> 01:31:11,543
When I stopped talking,
there was always silence,

2057
01:31:12,008 --> 01:31:15,001
and now with Sandra,

2058
01:31:15,095 --> 01:31:18,088
sometimes she talks,
and I don't like that.

2059
01:31:18,848 --> 01:31:20,555
We didn't win the cook-off,
but I think we did even better

2060
01:31:20,642 --> 01:31:22,258
because one of the products

2061
01:31:22,352 --> 01:31:23,513
that Patty came up with

2062
01:31:23,603 --> 01:31:25,970
is a vitamin pill
that's just doing great.

2063
01:31:26,231 --> 01:31:27,187
Give it back!

2064
01:31:28,066 --> 01:31:29,728
And because of
this bundle of joy,

2065
01:31:29,818 --> 01:31:31,150
we're not going to have
any more bundles of joy.

2066
01:31:31,236 --> 01:31:34,525
I got... I got a vasectomy.
Had it snipped.

2067
01:31:35,031 --> 01:31:36,567
<i>And the vasectomy wasn't
as bad as I thought</i>

2068
01:31:36,658 --> 01:31:37,523
<i>it was going to be.</i>

2069
01:31:37,617 --> 01:31:39,950
In and out, snip and done.

2070
01:31:40,245 --> 01:31:42,237
Is that like
when dogs get neutered?

2071
01:31:44,833 --> 01:31:45,869
Yes.

2072
01:31:57,512 --> 01:32:02,348
Welcome, everyone, to the Blue
Earth Gay and Lesbian Center,

2073
01:32:02,642 --> 01:32:05,476
uh, also my shop.

2074
01:32:05,729 --> 01:32:09,018
I'm trying right now to work up
something called Gay Day,

2075
01:32:09,190 --> 01:32:11,807
and that consists
of gay performers,

2076
01:32:12,193 --> 01:32:14,685
gay farm animals for the kids
to come and pet.

2077
01:32:15,071 --> 01:32:16,812
So we need to
get those guys in here.

2078
01:32:16,906 --> 01:32:20,115
Let the kids rub something gay
and know it's okay to be gay.

2079
01:32:20,535 --> 01:32:24,324
I think no one deserved to win
more than Pauline Solfest

2080
01:32:24,581 --> 01:32:26,072
except for Sharon Solfest.

2081
01:32:26,499 --> 01:32:29,162
Look, I'm glad it's
in the Solfest family,

2082
01:32:29,252 --> 01:32:30,584
make no mistake about that,

2083
01:32:30,754 --> 01:32:32,962
though it was my destiny
for me to be saying,

2084
01:32:33,048 --> 01:32:34,289
"I won the..." you know,

2085
01:32:34,382 --> 01:32:36,965
but, um,
it didn't work out that way

2086
01:32:37,052 --> 01:32:38,964
'cause somebody interfered
with my destiny,

2087
01:32:39,054 --> 01:32:41,171
and that person
was Lars Hagerbakke

2088
01:32:41,264 --> 01:32:42,220
and everybody knows that.

2089
01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:47,726
No one, no one knew
Lars Hagerbakke was gay, okay?

2090
01:32:47,812 --> 01:32:50,020
Nobody knew. He wasn't gay.

2091
01:32:50,106 --> 01:32:50,971
You know what, Sharon.

2092
01:32:51,066 --> 01:32:53,399
You could argue
that it was my destiny

2093
01:32:53,568 --> 01:32:56,276
because that's why
all the dominos fell.

2094
01:32:56,362 --> 01:32:58,319
- It's all good.
- She's not happy about it.

2095
01:32:58,406 --> 01:33:02,741
And then... and then we started
Naughty Nibbles,

2096
01:33:03,078 --> 01:33:05,286
which is an erotic cake bakery.

2097
01:33:05,371 --> 01:33:08,955
- Hang on, Sexy Sisters'
- Sexy Sisters' Naughty Nibbles,

2098
01:33:09,042 --> 01:33:10,078
- Naughty Nibbles.
- Right.

2099
01:33:10,335 --> 01:33:12,452
because if there is one thing
that I have learned

2100
01:33:12,796 --> 01:33:14,708
from winning
this million dollars,

2101
01:33:15,423 --> 01:33:16,459
it's that I am one sexy gal.

2102
01:33:16,549 --> 01:33:20,133
<i>She's sexy.
We were in Peepa Magazine.</i>

2103
01:33:20,220 --> 01:33:22,883
<i>We were so sexy in that spread.</i>

2104
01:33:22,972 --> 01:33:25,134
<i>I'm here to tell you what,
we were the sexy sisters.</i>

2105
01:33:25,558 --> 01:33:27,515
- That's not bragging.
- That's not bragging.

2106
01:33:27,602 --> 01:33:28,467
That's no brag...

2107
01:33:28,561 --> 01:33:29,802
We're speaking the truth.

2108
01:33:30,396 --> 01:33:33,309
So it's been six months,
and I've moved to Blue Earth

2109
01:33:33,399 --> 01:33:36,608
to be with Pauline,
and it is going great.

2110
01:33:36,736 --> 01:33:38,819
And my career has taken off.

2111
01:33:38,947 --> 01:33:42,440
I've really taken it in
a totally different direction.

2112
01:33:42,617 --> 01:33:46,076
Um, now I am
Mr. Cookie Head Man,

2113
01:33:46,663 --> 01:33:47,995
<i>and you can see my face,</i>

2114
01:33:48,248 --> 01:33:49,739
<i>which is what after</i>

2115
01:33:49,833 --> 01:33:51,916
<i>being in that muffin costume
for so long,</i>

2116
01:33:52,001 --> 01:33:54,584
<i>what I realized
is a lot of acting</i>

2117
01:33:54,754 --> 01:33:57,292
<i>has to do with
seeing your face.</i>

2118
01:33:57,423 --> 01:33:59,039
<i>It's just a lot more fun.</i>

2119
01:33:59,384 --> 01:34:02,377
That's seen some...
some good times.

2120
01:34:02,470 --> 01:34:04,052
- Wild times.
- It's been...

2121
01:34:04,722 --> 01:34:06,679
Febreezed a couple of times.

2122
01:34:08,893 --> 01:34:10,259
- I love her.
- I love you.

2123
01:34:10,645 --> 01:34:11,476
I love you.

2124
01:34:11,563 --> 01:34:12,849
- She's my sister.
- And you know what?

2125
01:34:13,523 --> 01:34:16,857
She stood by me
in my darkest hour.

2126
01:34:17,110 --> 01:34:18,442
- I'll never forget that.
- Always.

2127
01:34:18,528 --> 01:34:19,359
And I am grateful.

2128
01:35:09,704 --> 01:35:12,117
I expected to be the one
that has to sleep in the,

2129
01:35:12,207 --> 01:35:14,039
you know, the thing.
But I'll do it.

2130
01:35:14,125 --> 01:35:15,491
This is supposed to be
our romantic getaway

2131
01:35:15,585 --> 01:35:16,416
and so it's probably better
that we...

2132
01:35:16,502 --> 01:35:17,367
There's the problem,

2133
01:35:17,462 --> 01:35:18,703
the R word, the romance.

2134
01:35:19,130 --> 01:35:20,291
For what I feel for you,

2135
01:35:20,590 --> 01:35:23,958
I do not want to be
in that bed with you

2136
01:35:24,052 --> 01:35:25,793
with your sister in the room.

2137
01:35:26,137 --> 01:35:26,968
Why?

2138
01:35:27,055 --> 01:35:29,763
I would make love to you
so vigorously and fast

2139
01:35:29,891 --> 01:35:31,974
that that would be
embarrassing for me.

2140
01:35:32,518 --> 01:35:34,054
Well, that would be
embarrassing.

2141
01:35:34,479 --> 01:35:37,438
It's because honey,
if I'm on this bed with you,

2142
01:35:37,690 --> 01:35:41,183
there will be nothing but
knocking around and sweating.

2143
01:35:41,361 --> 01:35:43,853
Do you know there's a saying,
spooning leads to swooning,

2144
01:35:43,947 --> 01:35:46,030
and that leads to something
you don't want.

2145
01:35:46,199 --> 01:35:49,158
There's a little boy,
a very small boy,

2146
01:35:49,244 --> 01:35:50,655
and his mother's
making Söcker Kaka.

2147
01:35:51,079 --> 01:35:53,662
He's putting in the sugar
and he tries to eat the sugar

2148
01:35:53,748 --> 01:35:54,579
and the mother says,

2149
01:35:54,666 --> 01:35:55,782
"It's better to wait,
better to wait."

2150
01:35:55,875 --> 01:35:58,242
Put in the flour,
"it's better to wait."

2151
01:35:58,378 --> 01:36:00,995
The Söcker Kaka is ready
and when we wait,

2152
01:36:01,297 --> 01:36:04,210
it practically melts
in his mouth.

2153
01:36:04,300 --> 01:36:06,417
And that's what I want it
to be like for us.

2154
01:36:06,761 --> 01:36:08,093
When we do make love,

2155
01:36:08,179 --> 01:36:11,593
I literally want to
melt in her mouth.

2156
01:36:11,683 --> 01:36:14,676
Well, then you know what,
I hear what you're saying

2157
01:36:14,769 --> 01:36:17,728
and I take the lesson
of the Söcker Kaka

2158
01:36:17,814 --> 01:36:19,055
and I want you
to melt in my mouth...

2159
01:36:19,148 --> 01:36:20,355
- Absolutely.
- as much as you do.

2160
01:36:20,900 --> 01:36:23,142
So, I'll just put the bed
up against the window

2161
01:36:23,236 --> 01:36:25,569
and leave a big path in case
there's a fire or something.

2162
01:36:25,655 --> 01:36:27,692
Well,
I am concerned about fire.

2163
01:36:27,949 --> 01:36:31,067
This is about me trying to
protect myself from you.

2164
01:36:31,703 --> 01:36:35,413
In Africa, the men used to
build cages around themselves

2165
01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:36,454
from what I've read,

2166
01:36:36,541 --> 01:36:38,123
to separate themselves
from the women.

2167
01:36:38,459 --> 01:36:42,078
This is like an African cage
I'm going to build around myself

2168
01:36:42,171 --> 01:36:45,039
and you might wake up
and find me strapped to it,

2169
01:36:45,174 --> 01:36:48,383
to keep myself from you,
because once I make love to you,

2170
01:36:48,469 --> 01:36:49,550
and I'm telling you this now,

2171
01:36:49,637 --> 01:36:51,173
and this is a promise
for our wedding night,

2172
01:36:51,264 --> 01:36:53,927
it will be so vigorous
and so fast

2173
01:36:54,017 --> 01:36:55,633
and harsh and loving,

2174
01:36:55,893 --> 01:36:59,603
that you are not going to want
to do it again for a long time.

2175
01:36:59,689 --> 01:37:01,305
Let's save that
kind of double fever.

2176
01:37:01,399 --> 01:37:03,140
Listen to you.
He's full of beans.

2177
01:37:03,234 --> 01:37:05,726
I just want to be in an American
hotel room with my fiancé,

2178
01:37:05,820 --> 01:37:07,061
but you want to be
an African cage,

2179
01:37:07,155 --> 01:37:08,066
okay that's fine.

2180
01:37:08,406 --> 01:37:10,363
I think if everyone
had a donut we'd calm down.

2181
01:37:10,450 --> 01:37:12,407
Everything is sexual
to me right now.

2182
01:37:12,618 --> 01:37:13,449
That hole in that donut
is sexual.

2183
01:37:13,536 --> 01:37:14,401
Oh, stop it.

2184
01:37:14,537 --> 01:37:17,154
I'm just saying if I wind up
in bed beside you,

2185
01:37:17,248 --> 01:37:19,160
there is going to be
a lot of noise

2186
01:37:19,250 --> 01:37:20,866
and action
and sweating going on.

2187
01:37:21,169 --> 01:37:23,331
You're doing something
they call tempting the fates.

2188
01:37:23,463 --> 01:37:24,829
That's a dangerous step.

2189
01:37:25,590 --> 01:37:27,081
I'll tell you what. Uh...

2190
01:37:27,175 --> 01:37:28,416
You know, maybe get a...
you know,

2191
01:37:28,509 --> 01:37:30,125
- we could get a running start.
- Pauline,

2192
01:37:30,219 --> 01:37:32,677
if you would like to
watch us make love right now,

2193
01:37:32,764 --> 01:37:34,221
- you may as well watch.
- Oh no, thank you.

2194
01:37:34,724 --> 01:37:37,262
You may as well watch, because
this is what's going to happen.

2195
01:37:37,977 --> 01:37:41,061
Oh, God.

2196
01:37:41,814 --> 01:37:43,976
Can you imagine?
You know what I have for you.

2197
01:37:44,067 --> 01:37:45,979
You know what's built up
over four years.

2198
01:37:46,069 --> 01:37:48,482
The second the finger
is pulled out of that dyke,

2199
01:37:48,571 --> 01:37:50,403
there's going to be
a lot of liquid flowing.

2200
01:37:50,656 --> 01:37:52,522
Let's not do that
in front of your sister.

2201
01:37:52,617 --> 01:37:54,529
- Well, I just...
- Please don't do that

2202
01:37:54,619 --> 01:37:56,736
- in front of your sister.
- Okay but you know,

2203
01:37:56,829 --> 01:37:58,240
I have to say, I just,

2204
01:37:58,456 --> 01:38:01,415
I think that I can hold back
the dyke personally.

2205
01:38:01,542 --> 01:38:02,874
I'm not angry. I'm not angry,

2206
01:38:02,960 --> 01:38:03,791
I'm just saying...

2207
01:38:03,878 --> 01:38:05,835
I'm just saying
and I am not angry,

2208
01:38:05,963 --> 01:38:09,206
if I am on this bed
and she is on this bed,

2209
01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:11,633
I am going to
make love to her so fast

2210
01:38:11,719 --> 01:38:15,429
and hard and furious
that you don't want to be here.