1 00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,674 Brian Kinney, a father? 2 00:00:44,675 --> 00:00:46,308 It's true. I was there. 3 00:00:46,309 --> 00:00:48,375 I saw it happen with my own eyes. 4 00:00:48,376 --> 00:00:50,643 Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. 5 00:00:50,644 --> 00:00:52,209 Or is it the other way around? 6 00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:54,244 Would you give the guy a break? 7 00:00:54,245 --> 00:00:56,344 Couldn't be any worse than my daddy was. 8 00:00:56,345 --> 00:00:58,111 Or mine, not that I remember him. 9 00:00:58,112 --> 00:01:01,111 So what's next? PTA parent? 10 00:01:01,112 --> 00:01:03,545 Little league coach? Scoutmaster? 11 00:01:03,546 --> 00:01:05,613 They don't allow queers in the scouts. 12 00:01:05,614 --> 00:01:07,613 They're afraid we'll induct new recruits. 13 00:01:07,614 --> 00:01:11,380 I only go out with men who already enlisted. 14 00:01:11,381 --> 00:01:13,447 So, uh, who's he look like? 15 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:17,214 Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth and... 16 00:01:17,215 --> 00:01:19,048 Lindsay's nose. 17 00:01:19,049 --> 00:01:21,082 Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble. 18 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,516 You should see the pictures I took. 19 00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:26,250 He's so adorable. 20 00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:28,517 In one of them, he's actually playing with himself. 21 00:01:28,518 --> 00:01:31,384 - Who, Brian? - No, the baby. 22 00:01:31,385 --> 00:01:33,417 Can you imagine, he's only been in the world about an hour, 23 00:01:33,418 --> 00:01:35,685 and already he's pulling his pud? 24 00:01:35,686 --> 00:01:37,585 - Excuse me. - Yeah? 25 00:01:37,586 --> 00:01:39,952 Can you tell me where men's jockey shorts are? 26 00:01:39,953 --> 00:01:42,486 Aisle four. 27 00:01:42,487 --> 00:01:45,621 - Thanks. - Sure. 28 00:01:45,622 --> 00:01:47,554 Well, that proves the theory. 29 00:01:47,555 --> 00:01:50,355 We've all got dick on the brain from womb to tomb. 30 00:01:50,356 --> 00:01:52,221 Speak for yourself. 31 00:01:52,222 --> 00:01:53,421 I am. 32 00:01:53,422 --> 00:01:55,022 Yeah, go for it. 33 00:01:55,023 --> 00:01:57,122 Are you watching that filthy website again? 34 00:01:57,123 --> 00:01:59,656 You can't believe this guy. He must be at least 10 inches. 35 00:01:59,657 --> 00:02:02,090 Ted? Ted! 36 00:02:02,091 --> 00:02:03,957 Uh, can I put you on hold one moment, please? 37 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,957 Yes, Mr. Wertshafter? 38 00:02:05,958 --> 00:02:07,424 Have you finished going over the Gropnik returns? 39 00:02:07,425 --> 00:02:11,392 Oh, yes, sir. I just printed them out. 40 00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,392 There you are. Federal and state. 41 00:02:13,393 --> 00:02:14,993 Thanks. 42 00:02:14,994 --> 00:02:18,260 You're welcome... Mr. Wertshafter. 43 00:02:18,261 --> 00:02:19,461 As a corporation, 44 00:02:19,462 --> 00:02:23,361 he has to start doing a monthly declaration... 45 00:02:23,362 --> 00:02:26,962 - Sorry. The boss. - Shit! You better be careful. 46 00:02:26,963 --> 00:02:28,262 The last thing you need is for him 47 00:02:28,263 --> 00:02:30,564 to catch you on cumquick.com. 48 00:02:30,565 --> 00:02:32,630 Oh, please, that guy's so blind, he's yet to figure out 49 00:02:32,631 --> 00:02:34,530 his wife's been boinking his business partner 50 00:02:34,531 --> 00:02:36,464 for the last five years. How do you think 51 00:02:36,465 --> 00:02:37,931 he's going to find out about me? 52 00:02:37,932 --> 00:02:38,932 I'll catch you later. 53 00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:42,331 - Later. - Later. 54 00:02:42,332 --> 00:02:44,565 Remember that story we all read in high school, 55 00:02:44,566 --> 00:02:47,466 you know the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? 56 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,499 Plato, or whoever. 57 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,600 All they could see were shadows on a wall, 58 00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:55,268 so after a while, they started thinking that was reality. 59 00:02:55,269 --> 00:02:57,434 Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. 60 00:02:57,435 --> 00:02:58,968 It's been so long since he's had sex 61 00:02:58,969 --> 00:03:00,270 with someone he didn't download, 62 00:03:00,271 --> 00:03:02,135 he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies 63 00:03:02,136 --> 00:03:04,470 and perfect faces aren't real. 64 00:03:04,471 --> 00:03:07,503 That no one's really there. That they're only... 65 00:03:07,504 --> 00:03:10,037 Shadows. 66 00:03:10,038 --> 00:03:13,206 Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room? 67 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,339 Michael. 68 00:03:38,977 --> 00:03:41,043 The difference between our beer and their beer 69 00:03:41,044 --> 00:03:45,278 is that our beer says, "sex." 70 00:03:45,279 --> 00:03:50,479 Not Clydesdales. 71 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,579 If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, 72 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:58,480 if you want to get laid... 73 00:03:58,481 --> 00:04:00,848 This is what you drink. 74 00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:03,848 Uh, but what about the model? 75 00:04:03,849 --> 00:04:08,448 Are you sure he isn't too, um... 76 00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:11,416 Gay? 77 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,083 Ladies? 78 00:04:13,084 --> 00:04:14,816 I wouldn't care if he was. 79 00:04:14,817 --> 00:04:16,384 I'd go to bed with him anyway. 80 00:04:18,485 --> 00:04:22,084 What do you think? 81 00:04:22,085 --> 00:04:23,885 I hadn't thought about it. 82 00:04:57,259 --> 00:05:01,493 Hut. Hut. 83 00:05:03,961 --> 00:05:07,160 Get him down. That's it. Come on. 84 00:05:07,161 --> 00:05:08,228 Move! Move! 85 00:05:08,229 --> 00:05:10,128 You guys show some hustle out there. 86 00:05:10,129 --> 00:05:12,728 Let's go! 87 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,828 Guess what I was doing last night. 88 00:05:14,829 --> 00:05:16,095 Sleeping, same as me? 89 00:05:16,096 --> 00:05:19,829 Having sex, all night, 90 00:05:19,830 --> 00:05:21,897 with that guy I met, Brian Kinney. 91 00:05:21,898 --> 00:05:26,398 We did it till 6:00 in the morning. 92 00:05:26,399 --> 00:05:30,400 Well? Aren't you shocked? 93 00:05:30,401 --> 00:05:32,899 Not really. 94 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,966 Oh. 95 00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:40,367 Well, I kinda figured that you're... 96 00:05:40,368 --> 00:05:42,200 You know. 97 00:05:42,201 --> 00:05:44,168 Even though you never told me. 98 00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,869 I'm telling you now. 99 00:05:49,770 --> 00:05:51,202 Want some of my veggie wrap? 100 00:05:51,203 --> 00:05:54,237 Hut, hut! Go, man, run, run! 101 00:05:54,238 --> 00:05:56,704 So what was it like? 102 00:05:56,705 --> 00:05:59,305 Well, I started out as a tight end 103 00:05:59,306 --> 00:06:01,104 but wound up a wide receiver. 104 00:06:02,041 --> 00:06:04,339 - Ball! - Ball! 105 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:06,105 Come on, where's your arm? 106 00:06:06,106 --> 00:06:07,673 - Come on! - Thanks. 107 00:06:07,674 --> 00:06:09,273 Focus, you guys. 108 00:06:09,274 --> 00:06:10,241 Thank you. 109 00:06:10,242 --> 00:06:11,774 - Good to meet you. - Thank you. 110 00:06:11,775 --> 00:06:15,108 - Next time. - Thanks. 111 00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:20,342 Uh, he's... married. 112 00:06:20,343 --> 00:06:21,676 Uh-huh. 113 00:06:21,677 --> 00:06:22,976 With two children. 114 00:06:22,977 --> 00:06:24,410 Ah, a family man. 115 00:06:26,244 --> 00:06:27,877 Excuse me. 116 00:06:27,878 --> 00:06:29,743 Could you, uh, tell me where the men's room is? 117 00:06:29,744 --> 00:06:32,111 Yeah, it's just down the hall and to the left. 118 00:06:32,112 --> 00:06:36,345 Thanks. 119 00:06:36,346 --> 00:06:40,680 That's a long trip. 120 00:06:40,681 --> 00:06:42,013 He might get lost. 121 00:06:42,014 --> 00:06:45,081 I'm sure you'll show him the way. 122 00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:49,014 There I was on my back. 123 00:06:49,015 --> 00:06:51,348 And there he was on top of me, slipping it in. 124 00:06:51,349 --> 00:06:54,949 Hmm, that must have hurt. Didn't it hurt? 125 00:06:54,950 --> 00:06:56,683 Yeah, at first, it felt like someone 126 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,849 was shoving a broom up there. 127 00:06:58,850 --> 00:07:02,151 But I told him to go slower, and he did. 128 00:07:02,152 --> 00:07:06,251 Then I stopped thinking about it when I looked at his face. 129 00:07:06,252 --> 00:07:07,851 His eyes were closed. 130 00:07:07,852 --> 00:07:10,952 His mouth was open in a sort of smile, 131 00:07:10,953 --> 00:07:14,219 like he was in another place. 132 00:07:14,220 --> 00:07:17,320 A beautiful place. 133 00:07:17,321 --> 00:07:20,354 That place was me. 134 00:07:20,355 --> 00:07:22,121 And his body. 135 00:07:22,122 --> 00:07:24,655 God! Like, his body was so amazing. 136 00:07:24,656 --> 00:07:27,655 - I could see every muscle. - Mm-hmm. 137 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:31,122 He said he wanted to stay inside me forever... 138 00:07:31,123 --> 00:07:35,624 And I wanted him to. 139 00:07:35,625 --> 00:07:37,691 I still feel him, 140 00:07:37,692 --> 00:07:40,991 like, he's still there. 141 00:07:40,992 --> 00:07:43,125 Christ, Daphne, 142 00:07:43,126 --> 00:07:47,693 everybody talks about having sex... 143 00:07:47,694 --> 00:07:51,061 But I really did it. 144 00:08:01,229 --> 00:08:03,929 I had to piss during that whole pitch. 145 00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:09,598 Didn't think I could hold it. 146 00:08:09,599 --> 00:08:12,364 Your presentation was very impressive. 147 00:08:12,365 --> 00:08:15,666 Think so? 148 00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:23,700 Yeah, it was very impressive. 149 00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:25,601 Well, I'm glad you liked it 150 00:08:25,602 --> 00:08:29,635 because that's what we're here for. 151 00:08:29,636 --> 00:08:31,969 To please the client. 152 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,703 - That's it! - So, like, what is he now? 153 00:08:34,704 --> 00:08:35,970 Your boyfriend? 154 00:08:35,971 --> 00:08:39,003 We just met. 155 00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:42,337 Well... Do you love him? 156 00:08:42,338 --> 00:08:45,871 I don't know. 157 00:08:45,872 --> 00:08:48,938 Yeah, I love him. 158 00:08:48,939 --> 00:08:50,706 Does he love you? 159 00:08:50,707 --> 00:08:52,772 - He said he did. - When? 160 00:08:52,773 --> 00:08:55,573 Well, when he was about to shoot. 161 00:08:55,574 --> 00:08:57,807 He was moving really fast, and he let out this groan 162 00:08:57,808 --> 00:08:59,940 like nothing I'd ever heard before. 163 00:08:59,941 --> 00:09:02,574 And that's when he said it, right when he came. 164 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:05,542 He said, "I love you." 165 00:09:05,543 --> 00:09:09,077 Then he leaned in and kissed me. 166 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,844 Well, I guess we better be getting back. 167 00:09:16,845 --> 00:09:20,712 Yeah, I guess so. 168 00:09:20,713 --> 00:09:23,778 It's been a pleasure. 169 00:09:23,779 --> 00:09:27,546 It can be even more of one. 170 00:09:27,547 --> 00:09:30,247 Excuse me? 171 00:09:39,949 --> 00:09:42,149 You know, I'm never wrong. 172 00:09:42,150 --> 00:09:44,983 - Huh? - Oh, nothing, buddy. 173 00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:47,550 I... I don't kiss. 174 00:09:47,551 --> 00:09:51,117 Yeah, right. 175 00:10:10,122 --> 00:10:11,888 Why don't you come with us to the movies? 176 00:10:11,889 --> 00:10:13,222 I told you, I don't want to. 177 00:10:13,223 --> 00:10:15,823 - He doesn't want to. - Come on. 178 00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:18,023 We can go to the mall afterwards. 179 00:10:18,024 --> 00:10:19,690 I'll buy you those jeans. 180 00:10:19,691 --> 00:10:21,490 I don't feel like it. 181 00:10:21,491 --> 00:10:24,825 He doesn't feel like it. 182 00:10:24,826 --> 00:10:26,658 Would you get the fuck away? 183 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,058 He said "fuck"! 184 00:10:28,059 --> 00:10:30,493 I'll say a lot worse if you don't leave me alone. 185 00:10:30,494 --> 00:10:31,659 Molly, leave him alone. 186 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:33,259 And your father and I have asked you to please not use 187 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:34,760 those words in front of your sister. 188 00:10:34,761 --> 00:10:35,994 She's not my sister. 189 00:10:35,995 --> 00:10:37,960 She's a bacterial infection 190 00:10:37,961 --> 00:10:40,060 for which I hope one day they find a cure. 191 00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:43,728 Tell you what... You can drive. 192 00:10:43,729 --> 00:10:44,961 I don't want to drive. 193 00:10:44,962 --> 00:10:49,096 He doesn't want to drive. 194 00:10:49,097 --> 00:10:52,630 Are you just going to sit here all day? 195 00:10:52,631 --> 00:10:54,597 - Are you? - I don't know. 196 00:10:54,598 --> 00:10:57,065 He doesn't... 197 00:11:01,532 --> 00:11:05,566 Well, I expect you to be here when we get back. 198 00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:08,100 You hear me? 199 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,468 Come on, Molly. 200 00:11:28,205 --> 00:11:31,038 ...and now, back to our feature film presentation, 201 00:11:31,039 --> 00:11:34,473 Dirty Dancing, starring Patrick Swayze. 202 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:40,573 Mr. Novotny? 203 00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,107 - Mike. - Mike. 204 00:11:42,108 --> 00:11:44,407 I was wondering if... Well, you know those boxes 205 00:11:44,408 --> 00:11:46,041 - you wanted me to move? - Mm-hmm. 206 00:11:46,042 --> 00:11:48,108 I mean, I don't want to seem like I'm shirking or anything, 207 00:11:48,109 --> 00:11:49,708 but they're kind of heavy. 208 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,642 Do you think one of the guys could maybe give me a hand? 209 00:11:52,643 --> 00:11:54,908 Yeah, no problem. I can get somebody to help you. 210 00:11:54,909 --> 00:11:56,409 Oh, that'd be great. 211 00:11:56,410 --> 00:11:58,176 Okay. I'll be over on aisle 14. 212 00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,578 - Okay. - Okay. 213 00:12:00,579 --> 00:12:02,443 Yes, Your Majesty. 214 00:12:02,444 --> 00:12:04,711 Somebody should tell her Princess Di is dead, 215 00:12:04,712 --> 00:12:06,778 and they're not looking for a replacement. 216 00:12:06,779 --> 00:12:08,178 The boxes are heavy. 217 00:12:08,179 --> 00:12:10,779 And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. 218 00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:12,712 I... you know, I think she's kind of sweet actually. 219 00:12:12,713 --> 00:12:14,813 You think she's sweet? 220 00:12:14,814 --> 00:12:17,780 Well, I don't really know her, but, yeah. 221 00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:20,748 What about cute? 222 00:12:20,749 --> 00:12:22,814 Yeah, she's cute. 223 00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:24,849 Well, she thinks you're cute too. 224 00:12:24,850 --> 00:12:27,682 She... does? 225 00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:28,949 She likes you a lot. 226 00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:31,117 but she didn't know if you liked her, 227 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,083 so I said I'd find out. 228 00:12:33,084 --> 00:12:35,484 So you don't really think she's stuck-up. 229 00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:36,817 Oh, she's a doll. 230 00:12:36,818 --> 00:12:40,885 You know, I never heard you say you liked a girl before. 231 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,052 - Well, I... - In fact... 232 00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:47,020 I've never heard you say anything about girls. 233 00:12:47,021 --> 00:12:49,587 You... like girls, don't you? 234 00:12:49,588 --> 00:12:51,520 Sure. Uh... 235 00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:54,688 So then you'll come with us after work tonight. 236 00:12:54,689 --> 00:12:55,821 We're taking her out for a drink. 237 00:12:55,822 --> 00:12:57,088 I don't think I can. I... 238 00:12:57,089 --> 00:13:00,857 Ah! No excuses. Shoeless Joe's, 7:30. 239 00:13:00,858 --> 00:13:05,690 And do something about your hair. 240 00:13:05,691 --> 00:13:07,024 It was a trap. 241 00:13:07,025 --> 00:13:09,957 Hey, see that number in the red shorts? 242 00:13:09,958 --> 00:13:12,791 I could work out for a hundred years 243 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,425 and never look like that. 244 00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:15,925 Pretending she didn't like her, 245 00:13:15,926 --> 00:13:17,659 just to see what I'd say. 246 00:13:17,660 --> 00:13:18,959 Shawn Peters. 247 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:19,992 Went home with him the other night, 248 00:13:19,993 --> 00:13:21,559 thinking he was this brutal top. 249 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,527 - And? - And I fell for it. 250 00:13:23,528 --> 00:13:25,727 Turns out he's a big, nelly bottom. 251 00:13:26,828 --> 00:13:28,827 I could have told you that. 252 00:13:28,828 --> 00:13:30,763 Aw, it's so discouraging. 253 00:13:30,764 --> 00:13:32,062 Are there no real men left? 254 00:13:32,063 --> 00:13:33,762 And now they're expecting me to meet them. 255 00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:35,796 - Steroid city? - No, in this straight bar. 256 00:13:35,797 --> 00:13:38,597 Is there anyone here listening? 257 00:13:38,598 --> 00:13:40,563 There's this new girl at work who's interested in you. 258 00:13:40,564 --> 00:13:42,364 Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her 259 00:13:42,365 --> 00:13:43,964 and some of the others for a drink after work, 260 00:13:43,965 --> 00:13:46,331 and now you have to go, or they might suspect. 261 00:13:46,332 --> 00:13:47,564 Check out Mr. Pec-deck. 262 00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,699 So what... If they do? 263 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,332 They could fire him. 264 00:13:51,333 --> 00:13:52,666 Or I could end up an assistant manager 265 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:53,966 for the rest of my life. 266 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:57,467 And the solution is to pretend you like pussy? 267 00:13:57,468 --> 00:14:00,301 Ah, look, he's not like you, okay? 268 00:14:00,302 --> 00:14:02,301 What is that supposed to mean? 269 00:14:02,302 --> 00:14:04,769 Meaning he's not an obviously gay man. 270 00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:07,403 Are you accusing me of being obvious? 271 00:14:07,404 --> 00:14:11,836 If the fuck-me pump fits. 272 00:14:11,837 --> 00:14:15,804 Well, I could be a... real man, if I wanted to. 273 00:14:15,805 --> 00:14:18,304 You know, just lower my voice, 274 00:14:18,305 --> 00:14:20,838 stop... gesturing with my hands, 275 00:14:20,839 --> 00:14:24,072 make sure my face is expressionless. 276 00:14:24,073 --> 00:14:25,773 Never, never use words like... 277 00:14:25,774 --> 00:14:28,507 Like "fabulous" or "divine," 278 00:14:28,508 --> 00:14:30,708 talk about, I don't know, 279 00:14:30,709 --> 00:14:33,508 nailing bitches and RBIs. 280 00:14:33,509 --> 00:14:35,608 But I'd rather my flame burn bright 281 00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:38,676 than be some puny, little pilot light. 282 00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:40,609 And a fabulous flame it is. 283 00:14:40,610 --> 00:14:41,709 - Thank you. - Yeah. 284 00:14:41,710 --> 00:14:44,743 But Michael is out there in the straight world. 285 00:14:44,744 --> 00:14:48,344 Believe me, it isn't easy. 286 00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:49,744 You do what you have to do. 287 00:14:51,712 --> 00:14:53,445 I better go change. 288 00:14:53,446 --> 00:14:56,712 For your big date? 289 00:14:56,713 --> 00:14:58,513 Ooh, here's a sports mag. 290 00:14:58,514 --> 00:15:00,981 Better bone up. 291 00:15:00,982 --> 00:15:02,546 Just in case the conversation veers away 292 00:15:02,547 --> 00:15:05,515 from Liza's weight problem. 293 00:15:09,416 --> 00:15:10,581 Justin, did you hear me? 294 00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:12,815 - I said you're not going. - I'm going. 295 00:15:12,816 --> 00:15:14,716 You were just there last night. 296 00:15:14,717 --> 00:15:15,983 So what? 297 00:15:15,984 --> 00:15:19,350 So I was planning to take you and your sister 298 00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,450 out for pizza. 299 00:15:21,451 --> 00:15:23,718 You... 300 00:15:23,719 --> 00:15:25,985 You know, I expect you to clean up this mess. 301 00:15:25,986 --> 00:15:27,485 I don't understand why you have to spend 302 00:15:27,486 --> 00:15:30,553 all your time with Daphne. 303 00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,319 Of all the beautiful clothes 304 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,586 your father and I bought for you, 305 00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:35,386 you have to pick something that no longer fits. 306 00:15:35,387 --> 00:15:38,454 That is too tight. 307 00:15:38,455 --> 00:15:41,421 That's why. 308 00:15:41,422 --> 00:15:43,854 Justin? 309 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:46,322 Don't I get a kiss good-bye? 310 00:15:54,425 --> 00:15:57,325 I expect you to call. 311 00:16:13,961 --> 00:16:16,928 We need a secret code word like "shazam," 312 00:16:16,929 --> 00:16:18,562 so that if I get in a tight spot, 313 00:16:18,563 --> 00:16:20,262 you can come in and rescue me. 314 00:16:20,263 --> 00:16:25,396 A tight spot. How about "butt plug"? 315 00:16:25,397 --> 00:16:26,496 "Butt plug" might be a little hard 316 00:16:26,497 --> 00:16:27,930 to work into a conversation. 317 00:16:27,931 --> 00:16:28,898 Because that's what you are, 318 00:16:28,899 --> 00:16:30,932 Pretending you're one of them. 319 00:16:30,933 --> 00:16:32,432 I couldn't help it. 320 00:16:32,433 --> 00:16:33,699 No, you could have told her the truth, 321 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:36,465 instead of acting like a scared, little faggot. 322 00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:39,266 You should have just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart." 323 00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,333 - "Deal with it." - Right. Right. 324 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:45,767 By the way, I noticed you got the Jeep repainted. 325 00:16:45,768 --> 00:16:48,601 Great game. 326 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:57,170 God, this place is like Breeders' Central. 327 00:16:57,171 --> 00:16:58,437 Butt plug, butt plug, butt plug, 328 00:16:58,438 --> 00:17:02,704 butt... 329 00:17:02,705 --> 00:17:05,605 See you, Mikey. 330 00:17:08,707 --> 00:17:10,806 I wanna watch the end of the game. 331 00:17:30,311 --> 00:17:32,210 Michael. Michael! 332 00:17:32,211 --> 00:17:34,510 Where you been? We thought you got lost. 333 00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,544 Some, uh, last-minute business. 334 00:17:36,545 --> 00:17:37,844 Well, slide it on in. 335 00:17:37,845 --> 00:17:40,611 Harv... Move your hairy ass. 336 00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:48,680 Thanks. 337 00:17:48,681 --> 00:17:50,780 - What are you having? - Uh... 338 00:17:50,781 --> 00:17:52,147 Same as everybody else. 339 00:17:52,148 --> 00:17:53,581 Good choice. 340 00:17:53,582 --> 00:17:55,347 Uh, bring over another pitcher. 341 00:17:55,348 --> 00:17:57,282 Hi. 342 00:17:57,283 --> 00:17:59,999 Hi. Glad you could make it. 343 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:00,450 Hi. Glad you could make it. 344 00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:01,582 I told you he'd be here, didn't I? 345 00:18:01,583 --> 00:18:03,550 Not to worry? 346 00:18:03,551 --> 00:18:05,183 I wasn't worried. 347 00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:06,583 Now just make sure he's not seeing anyone, 348 00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:09,117 before you get all lovey-dovey. 349 00:18:09,118 --> 00:18:11,451 Marley, would you shut up and leave 'em alone? 350 00:18:13,386 --> 00:18:15,485 You're not seeing anyone, are you? 351 00:18:15,486 --> 00:18:18,152 Me? 352 00:18:18,153 --> 00:18:20,786 - No. - Well, that's good. 353 00:18:20,787 --> 00:18:24,153 - I mean... - I understand. 354 00:18:24,154 --> 00:18:25,721 You don't want to get involved with someone 355 00:18:25,722 --> 00:18:30,522 if they're involved already. 356 00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:32,855 - So are you? - Seeing anyone? 357 00:18:32,856 --> 00:18:34,422 No, we just broke up. 358 00:18:34,423 --> 00:18:37,623 - Oh. Sorry. - Oh, don't be. 359 00:18:37,624 --> 00:18:40,423 He was a real doofus. 360 00:18:40,424 --> 00:18:42,424 Only I didn't know it at the time. 361 00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,491 There's so much you don't know at the time. 362 00:18:44,492 --> 00:18:46,725 Isn't that the truth? 363 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,592 Like, can you believe, he... 364 00:18:48,593 --> 00:18:50,459 He didn't even know how to fix a sink? 365 00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:52,593 Really! 366 00:18:52,594 --> 00:18:54,593 He called me at work saying, "what should I do?" 367 00:18:54,594 --> 00:18:57,160 I said, "I don't care what you do. 368 00:18:57,161 --> 00:18:59,327 Buy some cement. Get a cork. 369 00:18:59,328 --> 00:19:01,594 Use chewing gum. But plug it up!" 370 00:19:04,696 --> 00:19:09,429 "But plug." 371 00:19:09,430 --> 00:19:14,264 Butt plug? 372 00:19:15,531 --> 00:19:16,831 A million dollars? 373 00:19:16,832 --> 00:19:17,832 That's the general idea. 374 00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,331 A million fucking dollars? 375 00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:21,399 Brian, please. You'll wake the baby. 376 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,432 Well, the answer's no. Definitely not. 377 00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:27,300 I don't understand the problem. 378 00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:29,700 I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him. 379 00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:31,533 It was very generous. 380 00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,735 Well, that's different than a life insurance policy. 381 00:19:33,736 --> 00:19:36,701 It's simply in case something happens to you. 382 00:19:36,702 --> 00:19:38,769 Like I'm decapitated at a railroad crossing? 383 00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:41,569 Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? 384 00:19:41,570 --> 00:19:44,703 You know, I can just imagine the grizzly deaths 385 00:19:44,704 --> 00:19:45,803 you've conjured up for me. 386 00:19:45,804 --> 00:19:50,139 Like in case you get sick. 387 00:19:51,039 --> 00:19:53,572 Ah. Even better. 388 00:19:53,573 --> 00:19:55,338 Considering your life. 389 00:19:55,339 --> 00:19:57,039 I mean, when's the last time you were tested? 390 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,673 Six months ago. I was negative. 391 00:19:59,674 --> 00:20:03,774 That's 26 weeks and 182 one-night stands. 392 00:20:03,775 --> 00:20:05,074 You know, I've always admired people 393 00:20:05,075 --> 00:20:06,540 who could multiply in their heads. 394 00:20:06,541 --> 00:20:09,308 And I'm always careful. 395 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,708 Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. 396 00:20:11,709 --> 00:20:13,776 We need to make sure he'll be provided for. 397 00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:15,409 And all I have to do is die. 398 00:20:15,410 --> 00:20:20,477 Hopefully not before you sign these papers. 399 00:20:23,312 --> 00:20:24,711 We won't be laughing come Super Bowl time, 400 00:20:24,712 --> 00:20:26,278 when we're up against the Titans. 401 00:20:26,279 --> 00:20:28,512 - We don't stand a chance. - Don't say that. 402 00:20:28,513 --> 00:20:30,180 You've got to believe. Right, Mike? 403 00:20:30,181 --> 00:20:31,313 Like Cher! 404 00:20:34,614 --> 00:20:37,748 You watch football? 405 00:20:37,749 --> 00:20:39,981 Constantly. 406 00:20:39,982 --> 00:20:42,014 So, uh... 407 00:20:42,015 --> 00:20:46,282 What do you think? 408 00:20:46,283 --> 00:20:50,549 What do I think? 409 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:54,150 I think... 410 00:20:54,151 --> 00:20:56,118 Due to free agency, we've lost some of our best players. 411 00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:58,051 Still, our defense is strong, but we need a new scheme 412 00:20:58,052 --> 00:21:02,019 from our offensive coordinator to move the ball. 413 00:21:04,186 --> 00:21:06,719 That's just what I say. 414 00:21:15,455 --> 00:21:17,555 Hello, sports fans. 415 00:21:17,556 --> 00:21:19,288 I'm coming to get you. 416 00:21:19,289 --> 00:21:21,423 It's okay. I'm having a really good time. 417 00:21:21,424 --> 00:21:23,056 She's really, really nice. 418 00:21:23,057 --> 00:21:25,590 She's really nice? 419 00:21:25,591 --> 00:21:27,357 Do you think she and her friends would be really nice 420 00:21:27,358 --> 00:21:29,457 if they knew the little charade you were playing? 421 00:21:29,458 --> 00:21:30,992 They'd probably tie you to a fence 422 00:21:30,993 --> 00:21:33,325 and bash your brains in. 423 00:21:33,326 --> 00:21:34,959 They're not like that. 424 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,326 Not like that, huh? 425 00:21:36,327 --> 00:21:38,092 Listen to me, Mikey. 426 00:21:38,093 --> 00:21:40,327 - Are you listening? - Yeah, I'm listening. 427 00:21:40,328 --> 00:21:42,060 There's only two kinds 428 00:21:42,061 --> 00:21:43,694 of straight people in this world... 429 00:21:43,695 --> 00:21:45,994 The ones that hate you to your face, 430 00:21:45,995 --> 00:21:48,928 and the ones that hate you behind your back. 431 00:21:48,929 --> 00:21:52,062 Now get the fuck out of there... 432 00:21:52,063 --> 00:21:55,130 Because I need you. 433 00:22:20,602 --> 00:22:22,168 Hi. 434 00:22:22,169 --> 00:22:24,069 Oh, shit, just what I need. 435 00:22:24,070 --> 00:22:25,602 What's his name. 436 00:22:25,603 --> 00:22:27,935 Justin. His name's Justin. 437 00:22:27,936 --> 00:22:29,603 If I can remember it and I didn't even fuck him, 438 00:22:29,604 --> 00:22:31,170 why can't you? 439 00:22:31,171 --> 00:22:33,905 Because I did. 440 00:22:37,539 --> 00:22:40,172 So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek? 441 00:22:42,173 --> 00:22:45,106 Thank you, Pittsburgh. 442 00:22:45,107 --> 00:22:47,373 I love you. 443 00:22:50,875 --> 00:22:52,007 You know, for a skinny white boy, 444 00:22:52,008 --> 00:22:54,407 I make one fucking fabulous black woman. 445 00:22:55,909 --> 00:22:57,575 How about another round on me? 446 00:22:57,576 --> 00:23:00,443 I got a better idea. Let's move on. 447 00:23:00,444 --> 00:23:01,909 What's wrong with here? 448 00:23:01,910 --> 00:23:03,243 I've had everyone here. 449 00:23:03,244 --> 00:23:05,144 Oh, yeah, my problem precisely. 450 00:23:05,145 --> 00:23:07,377 You haven't had me. 451 00:23:07,378 --> 00:23:09,577 Oh, yeah? 452 00:23:09,578 --> 00:23:11,978 What? You never told us. 453 00:23:11,979 --> 00:23:14,411 There's nothing to tell. 454 00:23:14,412 --> 00:23:16,579 We were up in his room. 455 00:23:16,580 --> 00:23:20,180 We were 14, 15 tops. 456 00:23:20,181 --> 00:23:21,514 We were supposed to be studying, whatever, 457 00:23:21,515 --> 00:23:23,313 only we're not. 458 00:23:23,314 --> 00:23:25,047 We're looking at this trashy photo mag 459 00:23:25,048 --> 00:23:26,448 his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. 460 00:23:26,449 --> 00:23:28,348 Anyway... 461 00:23:28,349 --> 00:23:30,316 there's this shot of Patrick Swayze 462 00:23:30,317 --> 00:23:32,883 from Dirty Dancing... 463 00:23:32,884 --> 00:23:33,949 Without his shirt on. 464 00:23:35,317 --> 00:23:37,450 So I got this hard-on just from looking at it, 465 00:23:37,451 --> 00:23:40,917 and I glance over at Mikey, and guess what. 466 00:23:40,918 --> 00:23:42,851 He's got one too. 467 00:23:42,852 --> 00:23:44,951 Okay, you can stop now. 468 00:23:44,952 --> 00:23:47,118 Twin stiffies. 469 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:49,919 I reach over, start rubbing it. 470 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,253 He's practically swooning. 471 00:23:53,254 --> 00:23:56,420 I pop it out, start stroking it, 472 00:23:56,421 --> 00:23:59,088 nice and slow. 473 00:23:59,089 --> 00:24:02,288 And we're both this close. 474 00:24:02,289 --> 00:24:05,156 Then... 475 00:24:05,157 --> 00:24:07,389 His mom walks in without knocking. 476 00:24:08,924 --> 00:24:11,557 They always do. Did she see you? 477 00:24:11,558 --> 00:24:13,223 I don't see how she could have missed it. 478 00:24:13,224 --> 00:24:16,924 Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count. 479 00:24:16,925 --> 00:24:19,458 Oh, Dirty Dancing. 480 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:22,325 - That's a really old movie. - What? 481 00:24:22,326 --> 00:24:24,392 I said that's a really old movie. 482 00:24:24,393 --> 00:24:25,859 It's not that old. 483 00:24:25,860 --> 00:24:27,360 How old are you? 484 00:24:27,361 --> 00:24:30,395 Uh-oh. 485 00:24:30,396 --> 00:24:34,561 How old do you think I am? 486 00:24:34,562 --> 00:24:36,295 33? 487 00:24:36,296 --> 00:24:39,129 Fuck... you. 488 00:24:39,130 --> 00:24:41,129 - He's 29. - And fuck you too. 489 00:24:41,130 --> 00:24:42,897 - What did you tell him for? - Fair's fair. 490 00:24:42,898 --> 00:24:45,030 We all know what that means. In a few months, 491 00:24:45,031 --> 00:24:46,297 you'll be 30. 492 00:24:46,298 --> 00:24:47,864 Might as well be dead. 493 00:24:47,865 --> 00:24:50,898 Hmm, well... 494 00:24:50,899 --> 00:24:52,365 You ought to know. 495 00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:53,832 You already are. 496 00:24:57,133 --> 00:25:00,834 Oh, no, you don't. Come back here. 497 00:25:00,835 --> 00:25:03,066 You're not sticking us with that kid. 498 00:25:03,067 --> 00:25:05,534 He's your responsibility. Now get back in there. 499 00:25:05,535 --> 00:25:07,234 You know, I'm getting a little sick 500 00:25:07,235 --> 00:25:09,802 of people telling me what's my responsibility. 501 00:25:09,803 --> 00:25:11,502 If Lindsay and Melanie want to go off and have a kid, 502 00:25:11,503 --> 00:25:13,135 that's their responsibility. 503 00:25:13,136 --> 00:25:15,470 If what's his name, Justin, wants to go out 504 00:25:15,471 --> 00:25:17,136 and pick up guys while he's still in high school, 505 00:25:17,137 --> 00:25:18,203 that's his responsibility. 506 00:25:18,204 --> 00:25:21,204 My responsibility is to myself. 507 00:25:21,205 --> 00:25:22,771 I don't owe anybody a goddamn thing. 508 00:25:22,772 --> 00:25:26,273 Calm down. 509 00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:36,141 It's okay. It's okay. 510 00:25:38,441 --> 00:25:40,108 And where do people get off thinking 511 00:25:40,109 --> 00:25:43,775 I'm not a kind person? 512 00:25:43,776 --> 00:25:45,909 Who said that? 513 00:25:45,910 --> 00:25:50,110 Ted, for example, thinks I'm a heartless shit. 514 00:25:50,111 --> 00:25:52,443 It's your appeal. 515 00:25:52,444 --> 00:25:54,310 Plus, he's just jealous 516 00:25:54,311 --> 00:25:57,279 and lonely and... 517 00:25:59,779 --> 00:26:02,479 I happen to be very kind. 518 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:05,214 Very loving. 519 00:26:09,714 --> 00:26:12,414 Hey, Zack, how's it going? 520 00:26:12,415 --> 00:26:14,048 Not bad. 521 00:26:14,049 --> 00:26:15,348 How's Peter? 522 00:26:15,349 --> 00:26:20,383 Still dead. 523 00:26:20,384 --> 00:26:24,917 Oh, shit. I forgot. 524 00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:26,150 Well, if anyone has any doubts 525 00:26:26,151 --> 00:26:29,218 about how kind and loving you are... 526 00:26:29,219 --> 00:26:32,785 That should convince them. 527 00:26:38,021 --> 00:26:40,053 Anyone up for Babylon? 528 00:26:40,054 --> 00:26:41,236 I was thinking Boytoy. 529 00:26:41,284 --> 00:26:45,288 You know, I haven't been snubbed by a twinkie in weeks. 530 00:26:45,289 --> 00:26:49,189 What about him? 531 00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:52,022 Well, we can't just leave him here. 532 00:26:52,023 --> 00:26:54,023 - It's not our problem. - He's mine? 533 00:26:54,024 --> 00:26:55,823 No, Brian's your problem. 534 00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:57,723 Let him clean up his own mess for a change. 535 00:26:57,724 --> 00:27:01,425 Don't waste your Friday night baby-sitting. 536 00:27:18,395 --> 00:27:21,195 I came all the way here just to see him. 537 00:27:21,196 --> 00:27:23,261 He doesn't want anything to do with me. 538 00:27:23,262 --> 00:27:27,896 Yeah, well, the thing you got to know about Brian is... 539 00:27:27,897 --> 00:27:29,863 He's not your boyfriend. 540 00:27:29,864 --> 00:27:32,397 Brian doesn't do boyfriends. 541 00:27:32,398 --> 00:27:35,831 Yeah, well, you weren't there when we were doing it. 542 00:27:35,832 --> 00:27:38,765 You don't know the things we did, 543 00:27:38,766 --> 00:27:41,432 how he kissed me. 544 00:27:41,433 --> 00:27:43,833 You don't know anything. 545 00:27:43,834 --> 00:27:45,300 I know this. 546 00:27:45,301 --> 00:27:47,099 Brian is a selfish prick 547 00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:49,167 who doesn't care about anyone but himself. 548 00:27:49,168 --> 00:27:54,202 And if I were you, I'd just forget about him. 549 00:27:54,203 --> 00:27:56,769 Hiya, boys. Gettin' any tonight? 550 00:27:58,169 --> 00:27:59,769 I haven't seen you around here before. 551 00:27:59,770 --> 00:28:02,136 - He's new. - And cute. 552 00:28:02,137 --> 00:28:04,304 Every guy in the place has his eye on you tonight, sweetheart. 553 00:28:04,305 --> 00:28:05,636 Can we order? 554 00:28:05,637 --> 00:28:07,170 Shoot. 555 00:28:07,171 --> 00:28:08,637 But it'll be the first time tonight, 556 00:28:08,638 --> 00:28:09,938 am I right? 557 00:28:11,039 --> 00:28:12,772 I'll have the chicken-fried steak. 558 00:28:12,773 --> 00:28:14,839 No remarks. 559 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,673 And, uh, he'll have a bacon cheeseburger. 560 00:28:16,674 --> 00:28:18,873 - "Please." - Please. 561 00:28:18,874 --> 00:28:20,873 You gotta keep your strength up, sunshine. 562 00:28:20,874 --> 00:28:22,740 You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach. 563 00:28:26,142 --> 00:28:30,043 What a freak! 564 00:28:30,044 --> 00:28:31,809 Yeah, she takes some getting used to, 565 00:28:31,810 --> 00:28:34,343 but once you do, can't help but love her. 566 00:28:34,344 --> 00:28:36,310 One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, 567 00:28:36,311 --> 00:28:37,810 coming up in a flash. 568 00:28:37,811 --> 00:28:39,977 Thanks, Mom. 569 00:28:39,978 --> 00:28:42,911 You're welcome, baby. 570 00:28:42,912 --> 00:28:44,111 I'm getting out of here. 571 00:28:44,112 --> 00:28:47,178 Good night. Good night. 572 00:28:54,747 --> 00:28:57,747 - You're, like, so lucky. - I am? 573 00:28:57,748 --> 00:29:00,049 Your mom's cool about your being gay. 574 00:29:00,050 --> 00:29:01,914 If mine found out, she'd kill me. 575 00:29:01,915 --> 00:29:03,748 At least it gives her a sense of purpose. 576 00:29:03,749 --> 00:29:04,982 I mean, without me, she'd be playing bingo 577 00:29:04,983 --> 00:29:07,149 instead of organizing pride marches and... 578 00:29:07,150 --> 00:29:08,783 Handing out condoms. 579 00:29:08,784 --> 00:29:09,983 Do you need a ride? 580 00:29:09,984 --> 00:29:11,884 Uh, I borrowed a friend's car. 581 00:29:11,885 --> 00:29:13,917 Oh, you don't have a little beemer of your own? 582 00:29:13,918 --> 00:29:15,817 I'm working on it. 583 00:29:15,818 --> 00:29:18,052 Just remember what I told you about Brian. 584 00:29:18,053 --> 00:29:19,718 If he's such a selfish prick, 585 00:29:19,719 --> 00:29:21,586 how come you're always following him around? 586 00:29:21,587 --> 00:29:23,319 I'm not always following him around. 587 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,653 We're best friends. 588 00:29:25,654 --> 00:29:27,053 We accept each other for who we are, 589 00:29:27,054 --> 00:29:29,187 no judgments, no obligations, 590 00:29:29,188 --> 00:29:31,621 no questions asked. 591 00:29:31,622 --> 00:29:34,288 You're just waiting for him to finish jerking you off. 592 00:29:34,289 --> 00:29:37,121 - What? - You never got off. 593 00:29:37,122 --> 00:29:39,555 That's why you're still hanging around after all these years. 594 00:29:39,556 --> 00:29:43,957 Go on, chicken. Back to your coop. 595 00:29:43,958 --> 00:29:45,090 And don't go looking for him. 596 00:29:45,091 --> 00:29:46,758 It'll just make things worse. 597 00:29:49,159 --> 00:29:51,992 Ready, sweetie? 598 00:29:55,636 --> 00:29:59,469 Did he take off? 599 00:29:59,470 --> 00:30:00,936 Just as well. 600 00:30:00,937 --> 00:30:05,937 He was a little too young for you. 601 00:30:09,773 --> 00:30:12,706 Should I invite my cousin Rita? 602 00:30:12,707 --> 00:30:14,806 - Which one's she? - You know. 603 00:30:14,807 --> 00:30:16,774 The one with the, uh, overbite 604 00:30:16,775 --> 00:30:17,807 who never approved of us? 605 00:30:17,808 --> 00:30:19,573 Oh, her. 606 00:30:19,574 --> 00:30:21,741 Might as well. She probably won't come anyway. 607 00:30:21,742 --> 00:30:24,941 Oh, that's my good boy. 608 00:30:24,942 --> 00:30:26,542 You know, it's funny. 609 00:30:26,543 --> 00:30:27,942 I used to see these women feeding their kids, 610 00:30:27,943 --> 00:30:29,943 and I'd think, "ugh, what a turn-off." 611 00:30:29,944 --> 00:30:33,476 But watching you... 612 00:30:33,477 --> 00:30:35,943 It's beautiful. 613 00:30:35,944 --> 00:30:38,978 You can't believe how connected you feel. 614 00:30:50,714 --> 00:30:55,081 Good night, sweetie. 615 00:30:55,082 --> 00:30:57,681 Next time, we'll feed him together. 616 00:30:57,682 --> 00:31:01,716 You can give him my breast. 617 00:31:01,717 --> 00:31:04,917 It's so full. 618 00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:33,355 I guess that's all we can do for now. 619 00:31:36,956 --> 00:31:39,456 Oh, 34 guests. That's a lot. 620 00:31:39,457 --> 00:31:40,890 Not everyone will show. 621 00:31:40,891 --> 00:31:43,525 Well, let's hope one in particular doesn't. 622 00:31:51,927 --> 00:31:53,392 I hope we weren't too hard on him. 623 00:31:53,393 --> 00:31:55,059 Who? Brian? 624 00:31:55,060 --> 00:31:57,426 All that talk about the insurance. 625 00:31:57,427 --> 00:31:58,894 It almost sounded like we were hoping 626 00:31:58,895 --> 00:32:00,028 something might happen to him. 627 00:32:00,029 --> 00:32:02,027 We're just being practical. 628 00:32:02,028 --> 00:32:03,861 I mean, he's the father, isn't he? 629 00:32:03,862 --> 00:32:06,629 It only makes sense that his son should be his beneficiary. 630 00:32:12,131 --> 00:32:14,960 _ 631 00:32:14,998 --> 00:32:16,063 I'm just saying maybe we should have waited 632 00:32:16,064 --> 00:32:18,497 until he was over the initial shock. 633 00:32:19,632 --> 00:32:22,532 What shock? You're the one who gave birth. 634 00:32:22,533 --> 00:32:24,498 All he did was show up with his latest trick. 635 00:32:24,499 --> 00:32:26,933 - At least he showed up. - Christ. 636 00:32:26,934 --> 00:32:28,666 - It never ceases to amaze me. - What? 637 00:32:28,667 --> 00:32:30,368 The way you put up with his shit. 638 00:32:30,369 --> 00:32:31,667 Shh. 639 00:32:31,668 --> 00:32:33,067 - I don't put up with it. - Like hell. 640 00:32:33,068 --> 00:32:34,700 I understand it. 641 00:32:34,701 --> 00:32:36,535 - Him. - What? 642 00:32:36,536 --> 00:32:38,434 That he's a bigger infant than his son? 643 00:32:38,435 --> 00:32:40,502 That he does exactly what he wants. 644 00:32:40,503 --> 00:32:42,536 No excuses, no apologies. 645 00:32:42,537 --> 00:32:43,836 I've always admired him for that. 646 00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:45,703 Well, then you can put up with it. 647 00:32:45,704 --> 00:32:47,470 I don't have to. 648 00:32:47,471 --> 00:32:49,537 Come on, let's go back to sleep... 649 00:32:49,538 --> 00:32:52,305 For an hour. 650 00:33:00,407 --> 00:33:02,940 Yes. 651 00:33:02,941 --> 00:33:06,674 So you going out cruising after you drop me off? 652 00:33:06,675 --> 00:33:09,574 No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy. 653 00:33:09,575 --> 00:33:10,675 Whoo! 654 00:33:10,676 --> 00:33:12,608 Sounds hot. 655 00:33:12,609 --> 00:33:15,875 And if you must know, I am going back to my gay apartment, 656 00:33:15,876 --> 00:33:17,709 taking off my gay clothes, 657 00:33:17,710 --> 00:33:20,876 and getting into my gay bed. 658 00:33:20,877 --> 00:33:22,877 You're in a mood. 659 00:33:22,878 --> 00:33:26,344 It's goddamn Brian. 660 00:33:26,345 --> 00:33:29,845 What did he do this time? 661 00:33:29,846 --> 00:33:32,345 Never mind. 662 00:33:32,346 --> 00:33:37,413 I wish you wouldn't let him get to you. 663 00:33:37,414 --> 00:33:40,814 But he always does. 664 00:33:40,815 --> 00:33:44,782 That's why I keep hoping that you'll meet somebody. 665 00:33:54,784 --> 00:33:56,350 Why are all the lights on? 666 00:33:56,351 --> 00:33:58,984 Something must be wrong with Vic. 667 00:33:58,985 --> 00:34:00,852 Vic! 668 00:34:00,853 --> 00:34:04,585 Baby? 669 00:34:04,586 --> 00:34:05,885 Is everything all right? 670 00:34:05,886 --> 00:34:07,953 Just couldn't sleep. 671 00:34:07,954 --> 00:34:10,387 - Hey, Mikey. - Uncle Vic. 672 00:34:10,388 --> 00:34:11,587 Are you in pain? 673 00:34:11,588 --> 00:34:13,453 Yeah. 674 00:34:13,454 --> 00:34:16,255 - Where? Tell me. - My wallet. 675 00:34:19,823 --> 00:34:22,823 - Holy shit! - What is it? 676 00:34:22,824 --> 00:34:25,590 It's the Mastercard bill from our... our trip to Italy. 677 00:34:25,591 --> 00:34:27,824 First-class airline tickets, 678 00:34:27,825 --> 00:34:29,790 the Excelsior in Rome, 679 00:34:29,791 --> 00:34:33,558 the diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. 680 00:34:33,559 --> 00:34:35,592 They're all here. 681 00:34:35,593 --> 00:34:37,792 The problem is, so am I. 682 00:34:37,793 --> 00:34:40,660 Don't say that. 683 00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:42,560 It's a miracle you're still alive. 684 00:34:42,561 --> 00:34:45,960 It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this. 685 00:34:45,961 --> 00:34:48,594 Hustle? 686 00:36:03,710 --> 00:36:08,376 Patrick Swayze is so hot. 687 00:36:22,547 --> 00:36:24,447 I guess I'll have to take care of that. 688 00:36:29,682 --> 00:36:33,649 Patrick Swayze is so hot. 689 00:36:35,617 --> 00:36:39,683 I've seen Dirty Dancing, like, five times. 690 00:36:39,684 --> 00:36:41,550 What I wouldn't give to fuck him. 691 00:36:41,551 --> 00:36:43,817 Don't say that, Brian. 692 00:36:43,818 --> 00:36:47,384 You're so pathetic. 693 00:36:47,385 --> 00:36:50,419 First I'd unzip his fly... 694 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:54,286 then I'd pull out his king-sized boner... 695 00:36:54,287 --> 00:36:57,854 Play with it, real slow. 696 00:36:57,855 --> 00:36:59,887 Oh, yeah? 697 00:36:59,888 --> 00:37:02,821 Hey, Mikey... 698 00:37:02,822 --> 00:37:04,589 You have a woodie. 699 00:37:04,590 --> 00:37:09,323 - I do not. - You do too. 700 00:37:09,324 --> 00:37:12,256 We'll have to do something about that. 701 00:37:25,394 --> 00:37:29,093 - Hi, babe. - Ma! Can't you knock? 702 00:37:29,094 --> 00:37:30,661 I forgot to tell you we're having a yard sale, 703 00:37:30,662 --> 00:37:33,694 so if you want to throw anything out... 704 00:37:33,695 --> 00:37:35,696 Oh, don't tell me you still have a crush on him. 705 00:37:54,433 --> 00:37:56,298 I'd fuck you. 706 00:38:03,068 --> 00:38:07,567 Top floor. Come on up. 707 00:38:07,568 --> 00:38:09,535 Christ! What are you... 708 00:38:09,536 --> 00:38:11,301 I'm sorry. I... I don't want to... 709 00:38:11,302 --> 00:38:13,169 You can't just drop by unannounced. 710 00:38:13,170 --> 00:38:14,302 I just want to talk. 711 00:38:14,303 --> 00:38:16,135 There's nothing to talk about. 712 00:38:16,136 --> 00:38:17,502 Please? I won't stay long. 713 00:38:17,503 --> 00:38:20,403 - I... I'll just... can I? - No. 714 00:38:20,404 --> 00:38:24,372 Oh, shit. 715 00:38:30,140 --> 00:38:33,505 The door was about to shut, so I... slipped in. 716 00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,641 Penthouse. Not bad. 717 00:38:43,642 --> 00:38:45,809 - Who's this? - No one. 718 00:38:45,810 --> 00:38:47,242 I have to see you. 719 00:38:47,243 --> 00:38:49,042 I'm busy. 720 00:38:49,043 --> 00:38:52,409 I don't mind a threesome, although he's kind of young. 721 00:38:52,410 --> 00:38:54,043 - He's also kind of leaving. - Who's he? 722 00:38:54,044 --> 00:38:56,544 Forgive me for not introducing you. 723 00:38:56,545 --> 00:38:59,211 Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. 724 00:38:59,212 --> 00:39:01,545 Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin. 725 00:39:01,546 --> 00:39:03,045 The name is George. 726 00:39:03,046 --> 00:39:06,646 Sorry. George Goodfuk. 727 00:39:06,647 --> 00:39:08,646 You don't even know him. 728 00:39:08,647 --> 00:39:10,313 Well, I was hoping to get to. 729 00:39:10,314 --> 00:39:13,449 Now why don't you just scamper on home? 730 00:39:16,582 --> 00:39:18,349 He's my stalker. 731 00:39:18,350 --> 00:39:20,682 That wasn't very kind... 732 00:39:20,683 --> 00:39:23,116 Sending him off, a kid that age, 733 00:39:23,117 --> 00:39:26,083 by himself at this time of night. 734 00:39:26,084 --> 00:39:31,284 Who are you? Father Goodfuk? 735 00:39:31,285 --> 00:39:34,352 Oh, all right. 736 00:39:34,353 --> 00:39:38,119 Make yourself comfortable. 737 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,153 And don't... steal anything. 738 00:39:43,288 --> 00:39:45,721 Hey. Hey! 739 00:39:45,722 --> 00:39:48,988 I just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment 740 00:39:48,989 --> 00:39:50,221 to come talk to you, 741 00:39:50,222 --> 00:39:54,989 so don't run away from me. 742 00:39:54,990 --> 00:39:56,456 We need to get something straight. 743 00:39:56,457 --> 00:39:58,656 - You don't do boyfriends. - Oh. 744 00:39:58,657 --> 00:40:01,223 Mikey's been talking to you. 745 00:40:01,224 --> 00:40:03,057 You'll fuck anyone. 746 00:40:03,058 --> 00:40:05,524 He's ugly. You don't even know him. 747 00:40:05,525 --> 00:40:09,425 - And I... I really... - Justin. 748 00:40:09,426 --> 00:40:13,626 I've had you. 749 00:40:13,627 --> 00:40:17,227 What happened last night... It was for fun. 750 00:40:17,228 --> 00:40:20,694 You wanted me, and I wanted you. 751 00:40:20,695 --> 00:40:22,694 That's all it was. 752 00:40:22,695 --> 00:40:26,029 A fuck? 753 00:40:26,030 --> 00:40:31,096 Well, what did you think it was? 754 00:40:31,097 --> 00:40:35,197 Look, I don't believe in love. 755 00:40:35,198 --> 00:40:38,164 I believe in fucking. 756 00:40:38,165 --> 00:40:40,098 It's honest. It's efficient. 757 00:40:40,099 --> 00:40:42,531 You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure 758 00:40:42,532 --> 00:40:45,532 and a minimum of bullshit. 759 00:40:45,533 --> 00:40:47,599 Love is something that straight people 760 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:50,267 tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid, 761 00:40:50,268 --> 00:40:51,667 and then they end up hurting each other 762 00:40:51,668 --> 00:40:55,301 because it was all based on lies to begin with. 763 00:40:57,069 --> 00:40:58,668 If that's what you want, 764 00:40:58,669 --> 00:41:03,436 then go and find yourself a pretty, little girl... 765 00:41:03,437 --> 00:41:06,037 and get married. 766 00:41:06,038 --> 00:41:08,937 That's not what I want. 767 00:41:08,938 --> 00:41:10,971 I want you. 768 00:41:10,972 --> 00:41:16,138 You can't have me. I'm too o... 769 00:41:16,139 --> 00:41:17,939 You're too young for me. 770 00:41:17,940 --> 00:41:19,406 You're 17. I'm 28. 771 00:41:19,407 --> 00:41:20,840 You're 29. 772 00:41:22,641 --> 00:41:26,641 All right. 29. 773 00:41:26,642 --> 00:41:30,676 All the more reason. 774 00:41:30,677 --> 00:41:33,642 Now go do your homework.