1 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,160 [theme music] 2 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:46,560 Can I help you? 3 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,440 I would like to purchase one of your material objects. 4 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,920 - Books. - Books. 5 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,560 Let us discuss my purchase in a private place, 6 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,840 because I am buying, uh... 7 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,760 Pornography? 8 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,720 Pornography. 9 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,120 Gabriel, come into my back room. 10 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,800 We humans are extremely easily embarrassed. 11 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,200 We must buy our pornography secretively. 12 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,560 Human beings are so simple... 13 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,280 and so easily fooled. 14 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,560 [laughs] Yes. 15 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,560 Ahem, good job. You... You fooled them all. 16 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,560 You remember Sandalphon? 17 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,400 Uh... Sodom and Gomorrah. 18 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:28,760 You were doing a lot of smiting 19 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,040 and turning people into salt. 20 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,240 Hard to forget. 21 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,400 [sniffing] 22 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,560 Something smells... evil. 23 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,040 Oh, that'll be the Jeffrey Archer books, I'm afraid. 24 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,440 Well, we just wanted to stop by 25 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,120 and check on the status of the Antichrist. 26 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,600 Why? What's wrong? 27 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,000 I... I mean, if there is something wrong, 28 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,840 I could put my people onto it. 29 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,896 [Gabriel] Nothing's wrong. Everything's going perfectly. 30 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,120 There's a lot happening. All good. 31 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,320 All good? 32 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,600 Well, all going according to the Divine Plan. 33 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,600 The Hell Hound has been set loose, 34 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,976 and now the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are being summoned. 35 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,640 Death, Pollution, Famine, War. 36 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,880 Right. 37 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,040 Who exactly summons them? 38 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,440 Not my department. 39 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,240 I believe we outsource that sort of thing. 40 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,080 About time, that's what I say. 41 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,560 You can't have a war without War. 42 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,880 Sandalphon, that is very good. 43 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,960 You can't have a war without War. 44 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,960 I might use that. Huh? 45 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,160 Anyway... 46 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,400 no problems? How was the Hell Hound? 47 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,520 I... I didn't stick around to see. 48 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,960 Thank you for my pornography! 49 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:42,040 [Gabriel laughs] 50 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,360 Excellent job. 51 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,600 "You can't have a war without War." 52 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,000 Clever. 53 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,480 [chuckles] 54 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,320 Welcome back. Now, the government's foreign affairs spokesman 55 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,640 will be here to comment on the recent increase 56 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,360 in international tensions. 57 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,800 But first, do you know what's in your fridge? 58 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,400 Morning, Crowley. 59 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,160 [Ligur] Just checking in. 60 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,560 Nice chair. 61 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:16,760 Hey, guys. 62 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,520 It's about the Antichrist. 63 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,120 Yeah. Great kid. Takes after his dad. 64 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,080 [Hastur] Our operatives in the State Department 65 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,560 have arranged for the child's family 66 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,320 to be flown to the Middle East. 67 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,800 [Ligur] There, he and the Hell Hound 68 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,680 will be taken to the Valley of Megiddo. 69 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,920 [Hastur] The Four Horsemen will begin their final ride. 70 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,200 - Yay. - Armageddon will begin. 71 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,240 The final combat. 72 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,360 It's what we've been working towards since we rebelled. 73 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,360 We are the fallen. 74 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000 Never forget that. 75 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,616 Well, it's not the sort of thing you forget. 76 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,600 [whispers] I don't trust you, Crowley. 77 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,600 Everything's going just fine. 78 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,880 I didn't mean to fall. 79 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,280 I just hung around the wrong people. 80 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,320 [God] Somebody has to summon 81 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,880 the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 82 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,520 But they outsource that sort of thing these days. 83 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,960 Meet the Summoner. 84 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,480 He has four items to deliver in his van. 85 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,320 He works for the International Express Company. 86 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,400 And he's about to make his first delivery in a former war zone. 87 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,640 Sometimes, despite everything, peace breaks out. 88 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,760 People get tired of fighting, and pain, and death, 89 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,000 and are willing to start all over again. 90 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,800 Excuse me, who are you? 91 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,040 Carmine Zingiber. National World Weekly. 92 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,120 War correspondent. 93 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,040 Well, this is good, my friend. 94 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,200 It is good that a member of the world press is here 95 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,120 to see us sign the peace accord. 96 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,000 [laughs] 97 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:51,800 Right, well, if you'd like to sign this first, Your Highness, 98 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,600 and then the Prime Minister, then the Supreme Leader, 99 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,456 then we'll get a photograph of all three of you together. 100 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,360 Wait. He signs first? 101 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,120 It is just a formality who signs first. 102 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,336 A formality? You make me a laughingstock in my country, 103 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,120 and you call that a formality? 104 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:09,000 [laughs] Somebody has to sign the peace agreement first. 105 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,240 They do, and it's me. 106 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,120 [guns cock] 107 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,360 Oh, don't mind me, ladies and gents. 108 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,520 Oh, what a day, eh? 109 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,000 Nearly didn't find the place. 110 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,760 Someone doesn't believe in signposts, eh? 111 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,080 Package for you, miss. 112 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,880 You, uh... you have to sign for it. 113 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,360 Well, it's a lovely place you got here. 114 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,520 Yeah, I always wanted to come here on my holidays. 115 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,280 - Finally. - Put it down. 116 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,440 Oh, you sweet thing. 117 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,280 That's not gonna happen, is it? 118 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,720 Sorry, folks. 119 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,280 I'd love to stay and get to know you all better... 120 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,280 but duty calls. 121 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,760 [gunshots] 122 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,400 [God] She's the first of four. 123 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,400 And you can't have a war without her. 124 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,760 She's been killing time for so long now. 125 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,680 Time, and sometimes people. 126 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:33,360 And now, 60 centuries of waiting are about to end. 127 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,360 [theme music] 128 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,600 [God] This is also the story of a witch, 129 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,680 a Witchfinder, and a book. 130 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,880 And that story starts about 360 years ago, 131 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,680 with the last witch burning in England. 132 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,000 [Maggs] Witchfinder Major Pulsifer, all is prepared. 133 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,320 Where is the hag? 134 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,040 In her cottage. She suspects nothing. 135 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,880 I thought you'd tested her with a pin. 136 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,880 We did. Regulation-issue Witchfinder's pin. 137 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,760 - Pricked her all over. - And what was the result? 138 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,440 She said it cured her arthritis. 139 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,560 Hmm. 140 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,520 Of what else is she accused? 141 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,480 Predicting the future, mostly. 142 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:36,920 She told Mistress Bulcock 143 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,240 that Adultery would be coming to town. 144 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,600 Such nonsense. 145 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,960 That's you, isn't it? 146 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,840 It's not me. 147 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,880 My given name, Witchfinder Private Maggs, 148 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,880 is Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. 149 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,440 But you can call me "Witchfinder Major Pulsifer". 150 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,720 So they don't call you "Adultery Pulsifer"? 151 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,760 They do not. 152 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,760 [Agnes] Good milkman... 153 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,280 bring no more milk, 154 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,640 not this day or ever, 155 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,520 for today I am to die in flames. 156 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,640 Yours, Agnes Nutter. 157 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,960 P.S. My best wishes to your wife. 158 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,200 [chanting outside] Witch! Witch! 159 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,600 They're late. 160 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,560 [Pulsifer] She runs, I have heard tell, 161 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,480 with no one pursuing her. 162 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,760 Aye. She says running each morning 163 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,320 in an unladylike manner around the village 164 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,880 doth improve her health. 165 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,520 Monstrous. 166 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,520 Perhaps invisible demons pursue the witch as she runs. 167 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,000 No, she says it's good for you. 168 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,040 She said we should get more fibre in our diet. 169 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,400 I told her, I said, it's hard enough picking out the gravel. 170 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,960 Aye, she is obviously mad. 171 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,160 But how can we be certain she is a witch? 172 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,840 She cured me of the howling pox. 173 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,760 And cured my son of the bloody flux. 174 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,520 Obviously, a witch. 175 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,360 [all] Witch. 176 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,600 Witch. 177 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,480 Witch. 178 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,160 Witch. 179 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:17,960 Adultery Pulsifer... 180 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,200 good people, 181 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,880 thou art tardy. 182 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,080 I should have been aflame 10 minutes since. 183 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,360 Right. 184 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,200 Mistress Nutter? 185 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,720 - [woman] Hey! - [Pulsifer] Hey! 186 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,080 - [scoffs] - [woman] Oi! 187 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,720 [crowd chattering] 188 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,760 [people chattering] 189 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,640 This is most irregular, Mistress Nutter. 190 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,920 Gather thee right close, good people. 191 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,240 Come close until the fire near scorch ye, 192 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,520 for I charge ye that all must see 193 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,520 how the last true witch in England dies. 194 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,760 And let my death be a message to the world. 195 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,520 Come. 196 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,280 Come. Gather thee close, I say. 197 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:26,200 And mark well the fate of those who meddle 198 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,640 with such as they do not understand. 199 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,840 Oh, bugger. 200 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,760 [explosion] 201 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,016 [God] Among the folk from the next village, 202 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,120 there was much subsequent debate 203 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:56,200 as to whether this disaster had been sent by God or by Satan. 204 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,200 However, a note found in Agnes' cottage 205 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,600 suggested that any divine or devilish intervention 206 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,400 had been materially helped by Agnes' petticoats, 207 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,640 in which she had concealed 50 pounds of gunpowder 208 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,520 and 30 pounds of roofing nails. 209 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,000 Oh, bugger. 210 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,760 Agnes also left behind a box and a book. 211 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,160 They were to be given to her daughter and her son-in-law, 212 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,160 John and Virtue Device. 213 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,000 "Dear Mistress Nutter, 214 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,560 we take great pleasure in enclosing 215 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,720 your author's copy of your book. 216 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,680 We trust it will sell in huge numbers, 217 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,720 yea, and be reprinted even unto a second printing. 218 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,320 Yours, Bilton and Scaggs, publishers." 219 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,040 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. 220 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,440 "Reminiscent of Nostradamus at his best." 221 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,040 Ursula Shipton. 222 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,520 What does this mean, John? 223 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,240 It means, Virtue, that even though Agnes is dead, 224 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,120 we must study her book. 225 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,960 For your mother knew the future. 226 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,600 "Prophecy 2,214. 227 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,560 In December 1980, 228 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,800 an Apple will arise no man can eat. 229 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,680 Invest thy money in Master Jobbes's machine, 230 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,280 and good fortune will tend thy days." 231 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,560 Oh, I mean, this is balderdash. 232 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,160 [laughs] 233 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,800 [God] The book Agnes left behind her 234 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,000 was the sole prophetic work in all of human history 235 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,880 to consist entirely of completely correct predictions 236 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,720 concerning the following 350-odd years. 237 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,440 Being a precise and accurate description 238 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,480 of the events that would culminate in Armageddon. 239 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,680 It was on the money in every single detail. 240 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:58,240 On the night the Antichrist was born, in a house in Malibu, 241 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,880 Agnes Nutter's great-great-great-great-great granddaughter 242 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,160 was drawing on the title page. 243 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:08,120 And, metaphorically, the book had just begun to tick. 244 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:15,000 Okay, Anathema. Prophecy 2,214. 245 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,680 "In December 1980, 246 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,920 an Apple will arise that no man can eat." 247 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,520 That one's stupid, Mom. It doesn't mean anything. 248 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,120 My mom bought 5,000 shares in Apple in 1980. 249 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,640 That's worth $40 million today. 250 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:36,680 Okay, 2,213. 251 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,600 "Four shall ride, and three shall ride the sky as two, 252 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,880 and one shall ride in flames, 253 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,480 and there shall be no stopping them. 254 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:50,040 Not fish, nor rain, neither devil or angel. 255 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,840 And ye shall be there also, Anathema." 256 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,560 You see? 257 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,160 She's got special plans for you, mi amor. 258 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,120 Agnes gave us the easy job. 259 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,440 We just had to make sure everything was good for the family. 260 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:07,000 You're the one that's going to have to save the world. 261 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,680 [God] Meanwhile, in Dorking, Surrey, 262 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,560 Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Pulsifer's 263 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,800 great-great-great-great-great grandson 264 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,920 should have been in bed hours ago. 265 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,240 [thud] 266 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,440 Newton? 267 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,360 It's after your bedtime, dear. 268 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,800 Just a few more minutes, Mum. 269 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,496 I'm putting the old computer back together. 270 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,160 You young scientists and your experiments. 271 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,000 It's not really an experiment, Mum. 272 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,520 I just changed the plug. 273 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,160 It'll work now. 274 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,520 [electricity zaps and crackles] 275 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,760 [people chattering angrily] 276 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,376 I do hope the man from the electric isn't going to be upset again. 277 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,040 - It's not fair. - Oh, don't worry, love. 278 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,040 It's not as if it's the end of the world. 279 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,160 I just wanted to say, well, good luck on the new job. 280 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,120 I hope it works out this time. 281 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,920 - I'm sure it'll be fine, Mum. - You've just been unlucky. 282 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,120 I made you sandwiches. 283 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,160 [phone ringing] 284 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,240 [woman] And you are? 285 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,760 Newton Pulsifer. Wages clerk. 286 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,000 I'm new. 287 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,800 Excuse me, I was just wondering, 288 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,960 is there a way that I could do this without putting it in the computer? 289 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440 Is there a way of accessing the wages database... 290 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,040 without using a computer? 291 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,560 Or maybe someone could print it out for me, 292 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,040 and then I could do the sums on paper. 293 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,800 [spoon clanging on cup] 294 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,880 Okay, who's excited by the training initiative? 295 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,600 Let's see some hands. Yeah? 296 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,160 Just so that you know, Norman, 297 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,040 I've registered a complaint with HR 298 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,720 about this whole training initiative nonsense. 299 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,080 It's a team-building exercise, Janice. 300 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,880 And, um, just so as you know, 301 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,760 there's no "I" in "team", yeah? 302 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,560 But there's two "I's" in "building", Nigel. 303 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,000 And an "I" in "exercise". 304 00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,600 [Nigel] Yeah. Alright. 305 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,480 So, can I have everybody's attention, please? 306 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,800 Sorry, I've just got to hit return and I'll be with you. 307 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,160 [computers powering down] 308 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,080 - [man] Oh! - [Newton] Uh-oh. 309 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,040 Sorry, just not very good with computers. 310 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,560 Need a hand, Dick? 311 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:24,640 My name's not actually Dick. It's the car's name. 312 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,640 You can ask me why, if you like. 313 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,880 Hello. 314 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,480 "Athaneema Device"? 315 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,200 Anathema Device. It's an old family name. 316 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,560 Purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom? 317 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,320 Well, I'm commanded by an ancient family prophecy. 318 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,160 I'm going to use all the wisdom and witchcraft at my disposal 319 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,000 to hunt down the heart of darkness, 320 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,640 and then do all that I can to destroy it 321 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,376 before it brings about the end of the world. 322 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,680 I'm sorry? 323 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,160 Vacation. 324 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,320 [Newton] Hello, Mum. 325 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,240 The new job? 326 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,440 Yeah, it's going really well. 327 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,440 They're great. 328 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,120 - They love me. - [man] Walk past them with your noses in the air. 329 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,560 Bye, Mum. 330 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,080 There's only one thing we have to fear, you sissies, 331 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,080 and it's not global warming, and it's not nuclear Armageddon. 332 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,240 Can anyone here tell me what it is? 333 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,880 Ha! You don't answer. 334 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,080 You don't answer, because you know it's true. 335 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,040 They are hidden in our midst. 336 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,680 I'm the thin red line that stands between humanity and the darkness. 337 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,320 - Yea, I'm talking about... - Witches? 338 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,320 Aye, witches. 339 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,080 They lurk behind a facade of righteousness. 340 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,320 And there's naebody can stop them... 341 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,040 but me. 342 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,440 In the old days, Witchfinders were respected. 343 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,320 Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General... 344 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,960 [laughs] 345 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,080 ...he used to charge each town and village ninepence 346 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,080 for every witch he found. 347 00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,800 And they paid. 348 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,880 Are you, um, Witchfinder General? 349 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,480 Oh, I am not. 350 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,920 There is no longer a Witchfinder General. 351 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,960 Nor is there a Witchfinder Colonel, 352 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,560 a Witchfinder Major, not even a Witchfinder Captain. 353 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,320 There is, however, a Witchfinder Sergeant. 354 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,920 And you're looking at him. 355 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,800 Well, pleased to meet you, Mr Shadwell. 356 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,320 Um, cup of tea. Nine sugars. 357 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,520 And a packet of cheese and onion crisps. 358 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,976 [food truck proprietor] Coming right up. 359 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,760 Get your wallet out, laddie. 360 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,160 Bit of advice: you never want to appear tight-fisted 361 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,560 on first acquaintance. 362 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,320 - [man] Thank you. - And it's not "Mr Shadwell". 363 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,720 It's "Sergeant". Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell. 364 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,680 What's your name, lad? 365 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,800 Newton. Newton Pulsifer. 366 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,080 Pulsifer? 367 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,720 That's a familiar name, now you mention it. 368 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,800 You have your own teeth? 369 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,480 Yes. 370 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,280 - How many nipples have you got? - What? 371 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,040 Nipples, laddie. How many? 372 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,920 Um, just the usual two. 373 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,520 Okay... 374 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,320 Be here at 11:00 tomorrow. 375 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,760 Bring scissors. 376 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,160 Just put it there. Thanks so much. 377 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,640 What a gorgeous village, huh? 378 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,880 Thank you. 379 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:49,720 Hmm... 380 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,560 Right. 381 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:14,520 To work. 382 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,800 Easy job. 383 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,160 Deliver the Antichrist. Keep an eye on him. 384 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,320 Nice, straightforward job, eh? 385 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,800 Not the kind of thing any demon is going to screw up, right? 386 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:32,480 [God] The only things in the flat Crowley devotes any personal attention to 387 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,320 are the houseplants. 388 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,560 He had heard about talking to plants in the early '70s, 389 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,240 and thought it an excellent idea. 390 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:44,920 Although "talking" is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley does. 391 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,240 [Crowley] Is that a spot? 392 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,960 Is it? 393 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,840 Right, you know what I've told you all about leaf spots. 394 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,880 I will not stand for them! 395 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,080 You know what you've done. 396 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,040 You've disappointed me. 397 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,160 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 398 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,120 Everyone! 399 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,120 Say goodbye to your friend. 400 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,800 He just couldn't cut it. 401 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,520 Now, this is going to hurt you so much more than it will hurt me. 402 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,800 And you guys, grow better! 403 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,080 [God] What he does is put the fear of God into them. 404 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,680 More precisely, the fear of Crowley. 405 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,440 The plants are the most luxurious, 406 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,200 verdant and beautiful in London. 407 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,760 Also, the most terrified. 408 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,520 [garbage disposal whirring] 409 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,320 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter? 410 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,240 I'm so sorry, I can't help you. 411 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,960 [scoffs] Well, of course I know who she was. 412 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,160 Born 1600, exploded 1656. 413 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,160 But there are no copies of her book available. 414 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,400 No, I can't name my price. I don't have it. 415 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,160 Nobody has... 416 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,080 Well, there really is no need for that kind of language. 417 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,440 [hangs up phone] 418 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,320 [bell rings] 419 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,160 [bell continues ringing] 420 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,240 Um, hello. 421 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,000 I'm here about the advert in the paper. 422 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,320 Well, Madame Tracy draws aside the veil 423 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,600 every afternoon except Thursdays. 424 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,160 I think there must be another advert. 425 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,680 Oh, right. 426 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,560 Come in, dear. You're lucky. 427 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,000 One of my regulars had to cancel. 428 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,720 Now, I don't do anything kinky except by prior arrangement. 429 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,040 And my knees aren't what they were. 430 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,040 Also, if it's strict discipline you'll be wanting, 431 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,480 you'd better tell me now because it can take me half an hour 432 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,040 to squeeze into the leather pinny. 433 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,880 I'm sorry? 434 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,400 Are you not here for intimate personal relaxation 435 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,320 and stress relief for the discerning gentleman? 436 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,000 No. 437 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,000 I'm here to join the Witchfinder Army. 438 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:39,600 Oh! 439 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,240 Mr Shadwell said he was expecting a visitor. 440 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,200 It's just been him for so long. 441 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:52,760 Aye. 442 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,200 It's your new recruit, Mr Shadwell, look. 443 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,200 Away with you, harlot. 444 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,800 Scarlet woman. Jezebel. 445 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,760 Oh, Mr Shadwell. 446 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,080 I'll bring you both tea. 447 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,560 Milk and sugar, dear? 448 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,640 [Shadwell] He's in the army now, Jezebel. 449 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,680 - He'll make his own tea. - [door closes] 450 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,840 Welcome to the Witchfinder Army, new recruit. 451 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,280 You are, as of now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 452 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,160 We used to be powerful. 453 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,520 We used to be important. 454 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,960 - Oh. - Condensed milk, lad. 455 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,600 - And I take... - Nine sugars. 456 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,480 Exactly. 457 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,560 We were the line of fire 458 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,000 between the darkness and the poor unsuspecting folk 459 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,520 who don't believe in witches. 460 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,560 - Hmm! - But, Sergeant Shadwell, 461 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,040 don't the churches do that these days? 462 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,800 Nay, laddie. 463 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,720 Against the darkness? 464 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,280 It's a war. 465 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,240 And you know what our first weapon is? 466 00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:00,680 Oh! The Thundergun of Witchfinder Colonel "Get 'em before they get you" Dalrymple? 467 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:02,000 Nay, laddie. 468 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,320 That'll never be used again. 469 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,200 Not in this degenerate age. 470 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:08,960 Very good. 471 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,680 And you know what we do with them? 472 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,160 No, lad. 473 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,920 We read. 474 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,640 And we cut. 475 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,520 [phone ringing] 476 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,680 [Crowley, over machine] Hey, this is Anthony Crowley. 477 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,600 You know what to do. Do it with style. 478 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,880 [answering machine beeps] 479 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,720 [Aziraphale] No leads yet my end. 480 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,520 Anything at your end? 481 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,040 Listen, I have sort of an idea. 482 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,040 What? 483 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,136 [Aziraphale] Ah, hello. When you did the baby swap 11 years ago, 484 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,880 could something have gone wrong? 485 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,200 What? 486 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,200 - [tyres squealing] - [car horn honks] 487 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,600 - You've lost the boy. - "We've" lost him. 488 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,520 A child has been lost. 489 00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,600 - But you still know his age... - "We" know. 490 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,320 His birthday. He's 11. 491 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,160 - You make it sound easy. - Well, it can't be that hard. 492 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,200 I just hope nothing's happened to him. 493 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,680 Happened? Nothing's happened to him. 494 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,240 He happens to everything. 495 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,320 So, we only have to find his birth records. 496 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,160 Go through the hospital files. 497 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,960 - And then what? - And then we find the child. 498 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,880 And then what? 499 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,576 - Watch out for that pedestrian. - [car horn honks] 500 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,880 She's on the street. She knows the risk she's taking. 501 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:28,160 Just watch the... Watch the road. 502 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,920 Wh-Where is this hospital, anyway? 503 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,240 A village near Oxford, Tadfield. 504 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,960 Crowley, you can't do 90 miles per hour in Central London. 505 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,120 - Why not? - You'll get us killed. 506 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,080 Well, inconveniently discorporated. 507 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:46,240 Music. Why don't I put on a little... music? 508 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:48,920 What's a Velvet Underground? 509 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,400 You wouldn't like it. 510 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,400 Oh. Bebop. 511 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,360 - [car horn honking] - Yah! 512 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,760 [doorbell jingles] 513 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,320 I still can't believe your dad let you keep him, Adam. 514 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320 Actually, when I found a cat 515 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,600 we had to put up a notice saying we found a lost cat, 516 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,480 and then we had to give her back. 517 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,040 It's my birthday. And he wasn't wearing a collar. 518 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,080 And we asked, and nobody's reported a missing dog. 519 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,360 Our dog doesn't like me. It pretends I'm not there. 520 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,040 Did you know that my cousin Charlotte says that in America, 521 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:26,640 they have shops that sell 39 different flavours of ice cream. 522 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,800 [God] Wensleydale's first name is Jeremy, 523 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,920 but nobody's ever used it, 524 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,440 not even his parents, who call him "Youngster". 525 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,280 All that stands between Wensleydale 526 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,440 and chartered accountancy is time. 527 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,880 There aren't 39 different flavours of ice cream. 528 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:48,600 There aren't 39 flavours of ice cream in the whole world. 529 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,480 [God] Pepper's given first names were Pippin Galadriel Moonchild. 530 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,280 She had been given them in a naming ceremony 531 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,080 in a muddy valley field that contained several sheep 532 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,880 and a number of leaky polythene tents. 533 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,720 Six months later, sick of the rain, the men, 534 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,680 the sheep who ate first their marijuana crop and then their tents, 535 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,600 Pepper's mother returned to Tadfield 536 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,400 and enrolled in a Sociology course. 537 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,040 There could be, if you mixed them up. 538 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,880 You know, strawberry and chocolate. 539 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,080 [God] Every gang needs a Brian. 540 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:25,680 Always grimy, always supportive of anything Adam invents or needs. 541 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,000 [Brian] Vanilla and chocolate. 542 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:28,720 Chocolate and vanilla. 543 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,040 Strawberry and vanilla and chocolate. 544 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,400 Anyway, nobody's going to take Dog away from me. 545 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,040 We're together to the end. Aren't we, boy? 546 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:42,880 [Anathema] Eye of newt and tongue of dog, 547 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,840 north by northwest. 548 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:47,240 There. 549 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,280 And it's southwest. 550 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,080 You must be here somewhere. 551 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,880 [Pepper] There's a witch moved in to Jasmine Cottage. 552 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,400 - [Brian] That's stupid. - [Pepper] It's not stupid, stupid. 553 00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,040 Mrs Henderson told my mother that the lady there gets a witches' newspaper. 554 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,880 Excuse me. My father says there's no such thing as witches. 555 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,360 It makes sense that witches would have their own newspaper. 556 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,920 My dad gets the Angler's Times, 557 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,616 and I bet there's loads more witches than anglers. 558 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,640 Shut up. I'm trying to tell you things. 559 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,600 It's called the Psychic News. 560 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,360 She's a witch. 561 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,800 Actually, there are no more witches, because we invented science 562 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,560 and all the vicars set fire to the witches for their own good. 563 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:33,680 It was called the Spanish Inquisition. 564 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,056 I don't reckon it's allowed, going round setting fire to people. 565 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,400 Otherwise people'd be doing it all the time. 566 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,416 It's alright if you're a vicar and it stops the witches from going to hell. 567 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,016 So I expect they'd be quite grateful if they understood it properly. 568 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,480 We could be the new Spanish Inquisition. 569 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,240 Actually, we can't be the Spanish Inquisition, 570 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,240 because we're not actually Spanish. 571 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,080 I've been to Barcelona. I can teach you Spanish. 572 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,160 They say "olé" a lot. 573 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:59,040 We should practice before we start burning witches. 574 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,800 We should start small and work our way up. 575 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:04,200 Leave it to me. 576 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:09,000 [Aziraphale] This is the Tadfield area. Does it look familiar yet? 577 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,480 You know, it does. I think there's an air base around here somewhere. 578 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,760 Air base? 579 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,280 Well, you don't think American diplomats' wives 580 00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,600 usually give birth in little religious hospitals 581 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,960 in the middle of nowhere, do you? 582 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:23,880 No, it all had to seem to happen naturally, 583 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,160 so there's an air base at Lower Tadfield. 584 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,680 Things started to happen, base hospital isn't ready. 585 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,120 "Oh", our man there said. 586 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,040 "There's a birthing hospital just down the road." 587 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,000 And there we were. 588 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,160 Rather good organisation. 589 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,680 Flawless. 590 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,400 It should have worked. 591 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:48,200 Ah, but evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction. 592 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:52,040 No matter how well-planned, how foolproof an evil plan, 593 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,240 no matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, 594 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:02,200 in the end it will founder on the rocks of iniquity and vanish. 595 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,800 For my money it was just an ordinary cock-up. 596 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:18,440 [Dog barking] 597 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,800 - Hey, guys. - Hi. 598 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,040 Nice hat. 599 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,000 Actually, we made it out of cardboard. 600 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:25,240 It's for our game. 601 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:27,680 Stylish. What are you guys playing? 602 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,000 - [Wensleydale] The British Inquisition. - Come on, Wensleydale. 603 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:34,240 Sounds like fun. How does the game work? 604 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,520 I am chief inquisitor. Brian is head torturer. 605 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,000 And we're trying to find a witch. 606 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,760 Oh. Sounds very sensible. 607 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,080 - How do you do that? - [Adam] Watch. 608 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,840 Art thou a witch? 609 00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:47,560 Olé? 610 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,120 Yes? 611 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,760 You can't say yes. You've got to say no. 612 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,040 Then what? 613 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,416 Then we torture you until you say yes. 614 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:57,960 Wait, you're going to torture him? 615 00:32:58,040 --> 00:32:59,240 We built a torturing machine. 616 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,080 It looks like a swing. 617 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,560 But, obviously, in this situation, I actually am a witch. 618 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,000 I have a big pointy hat, and we have a cat at home, and... 619 00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:15,760 and I borrowed Mum's broom. 620 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:17,880 [Pepper] Look, no one's saying you can't be a witch, 621 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:19,960 but you just have to say you're not a witch. 622 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,160 There's no point taking all this trouble 623 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,240 if you're going to go round saying yes the minute we ask you. 624 00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,320 - Just say no. - [Wensleydale] But... 625 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,160 Art thou a witch, oh, evil crone? 626 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,600 Excuse me, Adam, why must I do all the work? 627 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:37,080 I'm being tortured here. Actually, this is very painful. 628 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,480 I am thinking of admitting to being a witch. 629 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,480 I'm going to go home if I can't have a go. 630 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,720 Don't see why evil witches should have all the fun. 631 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,280 [Wensleydale] You have to keep pushing. 632 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,200 - Hey, kid. - [Adam] Yeah? 633 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,040 - Can I ask you something? - Yeah. 634 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,320 Are there any great beasts or strange things happening? 635 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,840 Well, there's Dog. I mean, he's a beast. 636 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:56,920 Come on, Dog, say hello. 637 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:58,560 [Dog whines, barks] 638 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:00,080 Not what I was looking for. 639 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,280 [Adam] Hold on. I have to tell them what to do. 640 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,840 All right, evil witch Wensleydale, don't do it again. 641 00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,960 And now you get off the torturing swing and let someone else have a turn. 642 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:10,440 Right, well, you kids are hilarious, 643 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,960 but I'm going to keep looking, so, bye. 644 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,920 [Aziraphale] Um, are you sure this is the right place? 645 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,360 This... This doesn't look like a hospital. 646 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:32,800 And... 647 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,640 [chuckles] 648 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,640 ...it feels loved. 649 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,680 No, it's definitely the place. 650 00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:43,960 What do you mean "loved"? 651 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,376 Well, I mean the opposite of when you say, 652 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,160 "I don't like this place. It feels spooky". 653 00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,920 I don't ever say that. I like spooky. 654 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,320 Big spooky fan, me. Let's go talk to some nuns. 655 00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,120 - [gunshot] - Ah! Oh! 656 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,120 - [Crowley groans] - Blue? 657 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:05,480 - Oh, it's paint. - [Tompkins] Hey! 658 00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:06,680 You've both been hit! 659 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,520 [scoffs] 660 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,880 I don't know what you think you're playing at right... 661 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,840 Aah! 662 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,120 - Well, that was fun. - Well, yes, fun for you. 663 00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:19,560 Look at the state of this coat. 664 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,440 I've kept this in tip-top condition for over 180 years now. 665 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:25,560 I'll never get this stain out. 666 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,560 - You could miracle it away. - Hmm... 667 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,040 Yes, but... 668 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,560 well, I would always know the stain was there. 669 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,080 Underneath, I mean. 670 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:46,120 Oh, thank you. 671 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:49,400 Impressive hardware. 672 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,160 I've looked at this gun. 673 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,360 It's not a proper one at all. 674 00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,640 It just shoots paintballs. 675 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,160 Don't your lot disapprove of guns? 676 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,360 Unless they're in the right hands. 677 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:06,600 Then they give weight to a moral argument. 678 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:08,200 I think. 679 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,160 A moral argument? Really? 680 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:12,200 [gun thuds on ground] 681 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:13,440 Come on. 682 00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:16,760 This is definitely the place. 683 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,880 [God] Management training no longer meant 684 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,800 watching half a dozen unreliable PowerPoint presentations. 685 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:24,200 Firms these days expected more than that. 686 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,120 They wanted to establish leadership potential, 687 00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,440 group cooperation and initiative, 688 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,480 which allowed their employees to fire paintballs 689 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,320 at any colleagues who irritated them. 690 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,600 Wonder where the nuns went. 691 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,280 The brochure for Tadfield Manor Crowley is inspecting 692 00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,320 fails to contain any sentences along the lines of, 693 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,960 "Until 11 years ago, the manor was used as a hospital 694 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:49,120 by an order of Satanic nuns who weren't actually very good at it". 695 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:56,120 Oh, Millie from Accounts caught me on the elbow. 696 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,520 - Who's winning? - You're all going to lose. 697 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:01,280 [machine-gun fire] 698 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,480 What... What the hell did you just do? 699 00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:06,600 Well, they wanted real guns, 700 00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,400 so I gave them what they wanted. 701 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:13,000 [gunfire] 702 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,336 I always said you couldn't trust those people from Purchasing. 703 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:16,680 The bastards. 704 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,440 There are people out there shooting at each other. 705 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:30,280 Well, it lends weight to their moral argument. 706 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:31,280 [glass shatters] 707 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,480 Everyone has free will, 708 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,000 including the right to murder. 709 00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,320 Just think of it as a microcosm of the universe. 710 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:37,560 [machine-gun fire] 711 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,640 I wanted to be a graphics designer, 712 00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,680 design LPs for the Rolling Stones, 713 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,616 but the careers teacher said he hadn't heard of them. 714 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:49,280 - [gunfire] - So I spent 36 years double-checking form BF-18. 715 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,480 They couldn't just say, "Oh, Norman, we're giving you early retirement. 716 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,160 Have a watch, bugger off and tend your marigolds". 717 00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,160 Well, if they want war... 718 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,080 we're going to give them war. 719 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:03,640 Okay, guys, let's get the bastards. 720 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,680 They're murdering each other. 721 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,640 No, they aren't. No one's killing anyone. 722 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,120 They're all having miraculous escapes. 723 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:20,760 It wouldn't be any fun otherwise. 724 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,640 [distant gunfire] 725 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,160 You know, Crowley, 726 00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:28,440 I've always said that deep down, 727 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,560 you really are quite a nice... 728 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:31,840 Shut it! 729 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:33,280 I'm a demon. I'm not nice. 730 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,440 I'm never nice. Nice is a four-letter word. 731 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,496 - I will not have... - [Mary] Excuse me, gentlemen. 732 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,080 Sorry to break up an intimate moment. Can I help you? 733 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,160 - You. - Saints and demons preserve us, it's Master Crowley. 734 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,280 [snaps fingers] 735 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:51,200 You didn't have to do that. 736 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:52,880 You could have just asked her. 737 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,680 Oh... 738 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:56,960 of course, of course. No. Yeah. 739 00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,160 "Excuse me, ma'am, we're two supernatural entities 740 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,680 just looking for the notorious Son of Satan. 741 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:04,480 Wonder if you might help us with our enquiries?" 742 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,880 Um, ahem, look... hello. 743 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:17,400 You weren't by any chance, a nun here at this convent 11 years ago, were you? 744 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:18,840 I was. 745 00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:21,400 Luck of the devil. 746 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,360 What happened to the baby I gave you? 747 00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:29,000 I swapped him with the son of the American ambassador. 748 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:30,360 Such a nice man. 749 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:34,200 He used to be ambassador to Swindon. 750 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:38,680 Then Sister Theresa Garrulous came and took the other baby away. 751 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,400 This American ambassador, what was his name? 752 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,400 Where did he come from and what did he do with the baby? 753 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,880 I don't know. 754 00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,920 Records. There must have been records. 755 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,200 Yes. There were lots of records. 756 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:51,800 We were very good at keeping records. 757 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,040 Well, where are they? 758 00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:55,480 Burned in the fire. 759 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,160 [Hastur laughing] 760 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,160 [groans] Hastur! 761 00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:04,160 Well, is there anything you remember about the baby? 762 00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,440 He had lovely little toesie-woesies. 763 00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:12,360 Let's go. 764 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:15,136 You will wake, having had a lovely dream about whatever you like best. 765 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:16,320 [Crowley] Oi. 766 00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:21,160 [sirens approaching] 767 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,400 You'd think he'd show up, wouldn't you? 768 00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:26,640 You'd think we could detect him in some way. 769 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:29,360 He won't show up. Not to us. Protective camouflage. 770 00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:31,160 [gunshot] 771 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,976 He won't even know it, but his powers will keep him hidden 772 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,160 from prying occult forces. 773 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,360 Occult forces? 774 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,480 You and me. 775 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:39,640 [people arguing] 776 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:41,960 - I'm not occult. - Oh... 777 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,760 Angels aren't occult. We're ethereal. 778 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:51,336 [♪ "These are the Days of our Lives" by Queen on radio ♪] 779 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:52,816 Is there some other way of locating him? 780 00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:54,960 How the heaven should I know? 781 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,840 Armageddon only happens once, you know. 782 00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,280 You don't get to go round again until you get it right. 783 00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:00,656 - [car horn honking] - [tyres skid] 784 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,640 But I know one thing, if we don't find him, 785 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,640 it won't be the war to end all wars. 786 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:08,160 It'll be the war to end everything. 787 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:09,760 [God] Most books on witchcraft 788 00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,400 will tell you that witches work naked. 789 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:17,160 This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men. 790 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,840 "Darksome night and shining moon..." 791 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:27,640 Come on. 792 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:43,320 [Aziraphale] There's a very peculiar feeling to this whole area. 793 00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,400 I'm astonished you can't feel it. 794 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,440 I don't feel anything out of the ordinary. 795 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,360 But it's everywhere. All over here. 796 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:01,280 Love. 797 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,360 Flashes of love. 798 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:03,640 You're being ridiculous. 799 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,840 Last thing we need right now is... 800 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:07,960 [Anathema screams] 801 00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:13,520 You hit someone. 802 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:15,520 I didn't. 803 00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:16,600 Someone hit me. 804 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:26,440 Let there be light. 805 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,080 How the hell did you do that? 806 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:43,360 I think I hit my head. 807 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,440 [Aziraphale] That's it. No bones broken. 808 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:49,800 [groans softly] 809 00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:58,520 [metal popping into place] 810 00:42:58,600 --> 00:42:59,920 My bike. 811 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,120 Oh. 812 00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:11,520 Amazingly resilient, these old machines. 813 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:12,880 Where do you need to get to? 814 00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:15,080 No, no, we're not giving her a lift. 815 00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,280 Out of the question. There's nowhere to put the bike. 816 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,160 Except for the bike rack. 817 00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:20,920 [metal forming] 818 00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:25,800 Do get in, my dear. 819 00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:31,680 So, where are we taking you? 820 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,840 Back to the village. I'll give you directions. 821 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:37,776 ["Bicycle Race" by Queen plays] 822 00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:39,120 ♪ Bicycle ♪ 823 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:40,640 ♪ Bicycle ♪ 824 00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:43,680 - ♪ I want to ride my ♪ - ♪ Bicycle ♪ 825 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,440 ♪ Bicycle, bicycle ♪ 826 00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,280 Listen, my bike, it didn't have gears. 827 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,160 I know my bike didn't have gears. 828 00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,280 Make a left. 829 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,640 Oh, Lord, heal this bike. 830 00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:01,160 I got carried away. 831 00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:03,320 Oh, you can drop me off here. 832 00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:20,840 Oh, look, no gears. 833 00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:24,360 - Just a perfectly normal velocipede. - Bicycle. 834 00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:26,960 Can we get on? 835 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,680 Get in, angel. 836 00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:36,800 - ♪ I want to ride my ♪ - ♪ Bicycle ♪ 837 00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:40,000 ♪ Bicycle, bicycle... ♪ 838 00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,680 [video call ringing] 839 00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,680 [Anathema's mother] Hola, mi amor. How is it going? 840 00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:48,920 Lousy. 841 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:51,040 Any progress in finding the...? 842 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,200 The young beast and the lesser beast? 843 00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:55,960 It must be at the north end of the village. 844 00:44:56,000 --> 00:45:00,520 I'm certain of it. I just can't figure out where. 845 00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:02,840 Have you used your pendulum? 846 00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:04,480 Mom, I'm not a kid. 847 00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,280 If I get too close, the signal swamps me. 848 00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:08,080 Further away, I can't get an accurate fix. 849 00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:12,360 Mi amor, the answers are always in the book. 850 00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,240 It's just sometimes you don't see them till afterwards. 851 00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:20,800 The book. 852 00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,440 Holy shit, Mom. I'm going to have to call you back. 853 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:45,600 Mm. 854 00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:51,400 You know, we might get another human to find him. 855 00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,920 - What? - Humans are good at finding other humans. 856 00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,800 They've been doing it for thousands of years. 857 00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:58,280 And the child is partly human. 858 00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,120 Other humans might be able to sense him. 859 00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:02,560 He's the Antichrist. 860 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:05,000 He's got an automatic defence thingy. 861 00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,400 Suspicion slides off him like... 862 00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,800 whatever it is water slides off. 863 00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,680 Got any better ideas? 864 00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,440 Or one single, better idea? 865 00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,056 [Deirdre] I still don't know why you let him keep that dog. 866 00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,680 It was his birthday. And, oh, I don't know, 867 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,920 the way that he was looking at the dog and the dog was looking at him. 868 00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:34,880 As if they were made for each other. 869 00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:39,040 Arthur, you are a softy sometimes. 870 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,720 I resent that remark. 871 00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,880 - Where's the dog now? - Tied up outside. 872 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,520 Adam asked if he could have him in his room, 873 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:47,800 but I said absolutely not. 874 00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,440 "Absolutely not", I said. 875 00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:09,560 [door closes] 876 00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,240 Come on, Dog. 877 00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,080 [clears throat] 878 00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,440 What was that about? 879 00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:30,960 Oh, just checking on Adam. 880 00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:32,800 He's quite sweet, you know... 881 00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:35,160 when he's asleep. 882 00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:37,600 When he's asleep, yeah. 883 00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:56,320 [voices whispering indistinctly] 884 00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:10,560 Look, there's something I should tell you. 885 00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:15,760 I have a... "network" 886 00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,600 of highly trained human agents 887 00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,080 spread across the country. 888 00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:25,000 Now, I could set them searching for the boy. 889 00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:28,080 You do? I actually... I actually have something similar. 890 00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:30,720 Human operatives. 891 00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:34,880 Gosh, do you think they ought to work together? 892 00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:37,000 I don't think that's a very good idea. 893 00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,920 My lot are not very sophisticated, 894 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,800 politically speaking. 895 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,160 No, no, neither are mine. 896 00:48:46,240 --> 00:48:49,360 So we tell our respective operatives to look for the boy? 897 00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:52,440 Unless you have a better idea? 898 00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:56,520 - Ducks! - What about ducks? 899 00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,600 They're what water slides off. 900 00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:01,080 Just drive the car, please. 901 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,000 [brakes squeal] 902 00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:15,000 [Aziraphale groans softly] 903 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:19,400 You know, if you lined up everyone in the whole world 904 00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:21,560 and asked them to describe the Velvet Underground, 905 00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:24,840 nobody at all would say "bebop". 906 00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,640 Oh, there's a book back there. 907 00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:30,760 Well, it's not mine. I don't read books. 908 00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,400 It has to belong to the young lady you hit with your car. 909 00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:34,880 I'm in enough trouble as it is. 910 00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,360 I'm not going to start returning lost property. 911 00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:39,160 That's what your lot do. 912 00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,720 Why don't you just send it to the Tadfield post office, 913 00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,520 addressed to "the mad American woman with the bicycle"? 914 00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:50,200 Oh, uh... jolly good, yes. Rather. 915 00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,560 Right, so we'll both contact our respective human operatives, then? 916 00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:55,480 All right. 917 00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,720 - Are you alright? - Perfectly, yes. 918 00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,080 Uh, tip-top. 919 00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:02,000 - Absolutely tickety-boo. - Tickety-boo? 920 00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:03,760 Mind how you go. 921 00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,720 Right. 922 00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,720 Well, that was a thing. 923 00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:13,800 [God] Aziraphale was particularly proud of his books of prophecy. 924 00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,640 First editions, usually. 925 00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:18,240 And every one was signed. 926 00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:21,480 He had Martha the Gypsy and Ignatius Sybilla 927 00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,360 and Ottwell Binns. 928 00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,160 Nostradamus had signed, 929 00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:29,280 "To myne olde friend Azerafel, with beste wishes". 930 00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,760 Mother Shipton had spilled drink on his copy of her book. 931 00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:37,720 He even owned an original scroll in the handwriting of St John the Divine of Patmos, 932 00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:41,320 whose "Revelation" had been the all-time best seller. 933 00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:42,880 But there was one book he didn't have. 934 00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:45,480 One book he had only heard of. 935 00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:54,080 [Aziraphale] The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. 936 00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,440 "3,008: 937 00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:10,160 When that the angel readeth these words of mine, 938 00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:13,320 in his shop of other men's books, 939 00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:17,280 then the final days are certes upon us. 940 00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,840 Open thine eyes to understand. 941 00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,160 Open thine eyes and read, I do say, 942 00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:24,640 foolish principalitee, 943 00:51:24,720 --> 00:51:29,000 for thy cocoa doth grow... cold". 944 00:51:31,240 --> 00:51:34,280 "Thy cocoa doth grow cold"? 945 00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:36,680 What cocoa... Oh! 946 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:38,120 [gasps] 947 00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:43,440 [breathing heavily] 948 00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,200 [dialling] 949 00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:16,200 [line ringing] 950 00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:18,280 Any news? Found the missing Antichrist yet? 951 00:52:18,360 --> 00:52:20,640 No. No news. Nothing. Nothing at all. 952 00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,416 If I had anything, I would tell you, obviously. 953 00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:24,440 Immediately. We're friends. Why would you even ask? 954 00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:25,656 Oh, there's no news here either. 955 00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:27,880 Call me if you find anything. 956 00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:29,640 Absolutely. Why would you think I wouldn't? 957 00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:42,360 Hang on. 958 00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:56,680 "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, 959 00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:59,520 for it is the number of a man. 960 00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:04,760 And his number is six hundred threescore and six." 961 00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,880 It can't be that simple, can it? 962 00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:16,400 I'd have to put the Tadfield area code first, of course. 963 00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:33,440 [phone ringing] 964 00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:39,040 Tadfield, 0-4-6-triple-6. Arthur Young here. 965 00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:41,040 Dad, look, I got Dog to walk on his hind legs! 966 00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,280 Sorry, right number! 967 00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:52,920 [Dog barking] 968 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:03,760 [theme music]