1 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,360 Got that from Bitza. 2 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,480 Shut up, please! 3 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,800 Can you just stop stressing out? 4 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,280 You've been stressed all morning. 5 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,560 He's getting so stressed out cos this family's moved in 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,400 across the way and he's just perving at the daughter all morning. 7 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,560 I'm not perving! I'm not perving! You are. He is. 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,320 I'm evaluating the situation, yeah, 9 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,120 before I make my move, so shut up. 10 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,480 There she is now. 11 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,600 Oh, wow. 12 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,600 Wowee, she's stunning, in't she? 13 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,800 And it's fate her moving across the street. 14 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,480 Oh, look, that's Slugs, look. 15 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,080 God, he scrubs up well, don't he? 16 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,120 What's he doing? 17 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:57,120 Oh, he's snaking me, he's getting there before I am! 18 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,040 Look, he's got his wallet on his chain out, 19 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,480 and that's your thing as well. 20 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,640 That's my... That's what I do, innit? 21 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,160 He's pulling my pants down right now. 22 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,480 I got to get down there. Right. 23 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,880 Ker, got any Lynx? Yeah, in the bathroom. 24 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,640 Bathroom. 25 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,320 Two quid, that was. 26 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,920 And...she threw in that as well. 27 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,960 Love that. 28 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,600 'The problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that 29 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,400 'most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.' 30 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,760 Hey. 31 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,360 Hey. Kurtan. 32 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,480 Kayleigh. 33 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,040 So...do you have a boyfriend? 34 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,360 Bloody hell, Slugs, slow down, mate. 35 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,120 Let the girl move in first. 36 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,760 Do you want to go out on a date? 37 00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:00,480 Again, Slugs, she doesn't want to go on a date cos she's just moved in 38 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,120 and especially not with you. 39 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,560 She might. Would you like to go out on a date? 40 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,400 Yeah. 41 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,560 What about me? Do you want to go on a date with me? 42 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,920 Yeah? OK. 43 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,160 OK? Great. 44 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,720 Where would you like this? It's all right, I'll take it in for you. 45 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,480 I picked it up first, so I'll take it in. 46 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,840 All right, well, we'll just take it in together, then. 47 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:28,280 'Yeah, I am looking for a relationship, but thing is' 48 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,000 I've just got so many trust issues, yeah, 49 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,360 with being fucked over massive in the past, 50 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,840 so no matter how much I get close to someone now 51 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,600 I'm thinking in the back of my head, 52 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,680 "Shit, am I going to get fucked over?" 53 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,240 Because I've been fucked over in the past massively. 54 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,520 My last relationship proper fucked me up. 55 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,160 I asked out Kirsty Taylor, right, on the way down the Hampton Court, 56 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,400 only for my best mate Jack Russell to snake me. 57 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,040 I thought I was your best mate? 58 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,240 No, my best mate in woodwork class. 59 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,800 So, I got car sick on the way back... 60 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,280 Yeah, I was in your woodwork class. 61 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,000 Yeah. Yeah. 62 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,720 I got car sick on the way back so I had to sit at the front with 63 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,800 Mr Perkins while Kirsty Taylor got with Jack Russell on the back seat. 64 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,480 Yeah, even though he bought her a magnet from the gift shop. 65 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,880 No, it wasn't a magnet. It was a magnet. No, it wasn't a magnet. 66 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,320 It was. It wasn't a magnet. 67 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,680 It was a bookmark with all the queens on it. 68 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,120 Thing is, that should be annoying me right now, but... 69 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,840 look how much pleasure she's getting from that. 70 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,200 I went through a really dark phase, didn't I, Ker? 71 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,520 Listening to Papa Roach and just blowing everything up 72 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,520 with them little French bangers. He did, yeah. 73 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,400 What? 74 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,880 What? 75 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,240 Who? 76 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:51,440 The vicar? 77 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,920 The vicar? 78 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,440 Kerry's dad? 79 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,840 Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about! 80 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,640 Do you know what? This is utter slander. 81 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,120 Stop saying that about my dad! 82 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,640 The shit has hit the fan. 83 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,360 He is a peeper, though, to be fair. 84 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,040 Kurtan, I heard that! 85 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,960 'I don't like the man. I know he's my uncle, but I don't like him.' 86 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,840 And I don't like what he does to Ker. 87 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,480 Like, he don't give a rat's arse about her because she's a girl. 88 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,520 And all he's ever wanted is to bore a son 89 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,440 so he can teach him how to concrete. 90 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,040 And Kerry's like a dog. 91 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,040 No matter how hard you kick her, yeah, 92 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,760 she will still come back wagging. 93 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,240 Harsh. 94 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,400 Just saying. 95 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,720 You're all right, though, ain't you? 96 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,880 Yeah. 97 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,480 So I've just been to my dad's, but he wasn't there 98 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,320 because his girlfriend, Sandra, kicked him out. 99 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,640 And he's living in a caravan at the moment. 100 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,920 I'm just going to be there for him, no matter what. 101 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,560 Just like he's been there for me. 102 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,200 Even though that has been hard for him to be there for me, to be fair, 103 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,320 because he has darts on a Wednesday and skittles on a Thursday. 104 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,800 And the weekends are a write-off because he likes his me-time. 105 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,680 I needed the toilet, right. 106 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,320 I was desperate cos I'd had four points down the Keeper's. Yeah. 107 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,520 So I went in the bushes by the ladies tennis club 108 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,240 and some meddling old tart only goes and calls the police, 109 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:50,840 and said I'm peeping on her. 110 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,960 And I was aroused. 111 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,320 I weren't aroused, just well-endowed. 112 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,080 Yeah. You can't shoot a man for being well-endowed, Ker. 113 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,880 No. Now they're pressing charges. 114 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,040 Sandra's kicked me out. 115 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,480 The darts team don't want to know. 116 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,400 I went in the pub yesterday, all turned their back on me, even Alan. 117 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,960 Even Alan? My life's in bloody tatters, Ker. 118 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,160 Absolute tatters. 119 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,640 I'm in this bloody caravan without a pot to piss in. 120 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,160 It's just malicious lies, that's all it is. 121 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,440 They're jealous of what God give me downstairs. 122 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,160 Yeah. And now I've got nothing left. 123 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,760 You've got me, Dad. Nothing left. 124 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,400 I peeped once, in '78, and I didn't like it. 125 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,960 I didn't like it one slice. 126 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,280 No. And I vowed to myself to never peep again. 127 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,320 Yeah. 128 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,640 Tell a lie, I peeped just once more. 129 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,240 Just to make sure I didn't like it. 130 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,760 That was in '89. And I didn't like it that time, neither. 131 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,280 No. I mean, I'm a milkman by trade, Ker. 132 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,560 Don't you think I've got better things to do? 133 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,680 It's all right, Dad, the truth has to out. 134 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,480 No, it don't, Ker. The next thing you know 135 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,080 you get a call from the police who say 136 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,440 they've got CCTV footage that absolutely nails you 137 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,080 and your DNA all over a tennis racket cover. 138 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,320 I'm sorry, Ker, but it's an absolute stitch-up. 139 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,120 It's all right, I'll look after you, Dad. 140 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,360 THUD! 141 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,440 Oi! 142 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,320 Ah, leave it, Ker. 143 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,840 Leave it. 144 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,480 It's only Alan. 145 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,360 Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake. 146 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,320 So, basically, Slugs is going to have his date with Kayleigh 147 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,960 just before my date with her, which actually works in my favour, 148 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,040 because he'll be setting the bar very, very low. 149 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,000 And by the time I get there I'll be like a knight in shining armour 150 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,880 and she'll be like the damsel in distress 151 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,880 and she'll just come running into my arms. 152 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,040 And if I have to, I will punch him, 153 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,920 just to make sure Kayleigh knows she's safe... 154 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,840 ..but that will be easy cos it'll be like punching a turkey 155 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,920 or any other flightless bird. 156 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,960 That's sweet, innit? 157 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,160 That reminds me of Kayleigh cos it looks so cute. 158 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,080 Oh, here he comes, slithering in, snake in the grass. 159 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,280 'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah, 160 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,960 'is that she's got to accept I'm damaged goods 161 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,680 'and we will have to take it slow, 162 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,280 'but time does heal even the most cruellest of hearts.' 163 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,000 I'm not saying I've got a cruel heart, 164 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,400 but if she ain't willing to take me as I am 165 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,560 rather than the monster I've become, then she can literally just jog on 166 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,840 back to sea with all the other fish cos I don't care. 167 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,040 God, you still haven't made your mind up? 168 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,800 Jeez. It's just a date, mate. 169 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,560 That's all it is. You're not meeting the Queen. 170 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,880 'Me and Kayleigh, we're like Beauty and the Beast, yeah?' 171 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,200 And I'm like the Beast, cos the Beast has got massive trust issues 172 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,760 with being fucked over massive in the past, yeah? 173 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,080 And Slugs is like Gaston... 174 00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,480 'No, he's worse than Gaston, 175 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,080 'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible little sidekick 176 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,080 'that follows him around everywhere. 177 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960 'Like, what I love about Kayleigh is the fact 178 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,920 'that she's so sweet and she's so bubbly.' 179 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,520 Her going on a date with Slugs, I don't mind. Like, most blokes 180 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,240 would go absolutely mad, and, like, fly off the handle about it. 181 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:19,800 'But I don't mind, I'm chilled, 182 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,480 'because at the end of the day I know she's only doing it' 183 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,440 cos she's so kind that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. 184 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,080 Is that what you're getting? 185 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,720 I didn't say anything. 186 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,720 'What do you look for in a boyfriend? 187 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,440 'Like, clean...' 188 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,480 Got their own car. 189 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,720 Cos I had a boyfriend once, but... 190 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,240 ..like, by the end, I was just giving him lifts everywhere. 191 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,240 I mean, I love the way she looks, but I actually love her personality 192 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,240 just as much because she'll light up a room. 193 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,920 'If there was a group of people, you would just see her from a mile off 194 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:58,240 'because she just stands out because she's got so much energy' 195 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,840 and, yeah, that's why I love her, I think. 196 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,520 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730 197 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,600 departing Los Angeles International. 198 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,280 This is your captain Martin Mucklowe speaking. 199 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,840 Our flight time today will be 12 hours and we should be arriving 200 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,920 at Frankfurt at approximately 1600 hours local time. 201 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,920 I shall now pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry, 202 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,680 who has some information on the weather. 203 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,800 Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot, speaking. 204 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,240 The weather on our route is good 205 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,480 and the forecast is it'll be sunny in Frankfurt when we arrive. 206 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,920 'Well, I think that Kerry would like a closer relationship with her dad,' 207 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,320 but, to be fair to Martin... 208 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,840 ..he tries. 209 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,640 I don't need to work, Ker. 210 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,640 My bank is the fruity at the Keeper's. 211 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:47,920 Right. When you get two nudges on the cherries, hit the cancel, 212 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:48,960 take the Mega Trail. 213 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,520 Won't pay out jackpot but it'll give you a tenner. 214 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,040 Put the tenner back in, and on the next hold, hold them all. 215 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,080 Jackpot. 216 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:02,240 I cost the landlord 50 grand a year. 217 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,560 And there's nothing he can do about it. 218 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,120 'My dad's a legend in this village.' 219 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,920 Once I was walking up Purley Crescent 220 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,040 and these like smackheads from Swindon 221 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,960 were about to start on me, to mug me. 222 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,280 And I go, "Hang on a sec, do you know who my dad is?" 223 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,560 And they go, "It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?" 224 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,400 And I go, "Yeah, it is." And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate." 225 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,960 And they go, "Oh, your dad's a legend, by the way." 226 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,240 And I go, "Yeah, I know." 227 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,120 PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE 228 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,120 What do you think of that? 229 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,720 Use the diaphragm. 230 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:38,840 I mean, my lungs are so strong I could blow up a hot water bottle. 231 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,200 Cor! 232 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,520 And watch again. 233 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,720 PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE 234 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,920 Something you won't know, Ker, is the last Thursday of every month 235 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,960 I used to play pool with Fred West. 236 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,480 What? I know he's done some iffy things, 237 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,160 but as a builder he was top-notch, 238 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,720 best in the West Country. 239 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:14,120 Really? We'd say, "West, best in the West." 240 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,480 And he'd laugh, he'd say, "Stop, Martin!" 241 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,560 He could hold four bits of four-by-four, one-handed. 242 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,960 And there's only one other bloke that can do that... 243 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,360 and that's my old man. 244 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,360 Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, 245 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,920 we've started our descent into Frankfurt Airport 246 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,200 and we should be arriving 15 minutes ahead of schedule. 247 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,120 Now I'd like to pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry 248 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,920 for an update on the weather. 249 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,720 Hello, this is Kerry speaking. 250 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,680 The weather in Frankfurt is 21 degrees Celsius. 251 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,640 We wish you a pleasant stay in Frankfurt 252 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,440 and we hope to see you all again soon 253 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,280 and on behalf of all of our crew, 254 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,160 thank you for choosing Martin Mucklowe Airlines 255 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,920 as your airline today. 256 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,280 Right, off to bed, you. 257 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,840 We've got a return flight from Frankfurt to Los Angeles 258 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,240 in approximately five hours and 42 minutes. 259 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,360 Roger that. I love you, Dad. 260 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,520 Yeah. 261 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,000 'The key to dating, yeah, is the two Rs and the three Ts. 262 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,720 'Respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.' 263 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,440 Don't ever let that ball hit the ground. 264 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,680 'Good relationships are built on great conversation.' 265 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,040 Plastering... Right, time's up, fuck off. 266 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,000 On a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you, 267 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,520 because that's what they'll be interested in. 268 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,800 BIRDSONG 269 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,200 KAYLEIGH SNIFFS 270 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,160 I don't smoke, I vape. 271 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,720 I said, I don't smoke, I vape. 272 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:40,800 I went to this vaping exhibition, with my cousin, Kerry. 273 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,080 At the NEC and there was about 10,000 of us just vaping. 274 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,760 Yeah, I was on the bus the other day, yeah, and... 275 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,440 ..I was sitting at the back of the bus 276 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,560 and the bus driver suddenly stopped the bus, yeah, and goes... 277 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,800 and he walked all the way down, and goes to me, 278 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,800 "You can't smoke on here." 279 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,200 Guess what I was doing. 280 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,000 Vaping. Vaping, yeah. 281 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,960 Yeah, that's him. ENGINE STARTS 282 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,640 That's good, good girl, yeah, that's him. 283 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,120 All right, then. 284 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:32,240 That's it, back her up, back her up, easy with her. 285 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,600 That's it, she's biting. 286 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,360 She's biting, go on. That's it, she's biting. 287 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,960 Keep going, easy on the clutch, though. 288 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,520 Easy on the clutch. Get that right, yeah, the timing, Ker. 289 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,000 What sort of dog do you reckon that is? 290 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,800 He said to me, he goes, "You can't smoke on here." 291 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,760 I said, "I'm not smoking, I'm vaping." 292 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,880 The look on his face when I said that. 293 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,680 I don't think he knew what vaping... what a vape is. 294 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,800 I think it's a Labrador. 295 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,120 That's better. That's it, that's good. 296 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,640 Go on, my son, yeah, that's better. 297 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,720 Yeah, well done. 298 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,200 Well done, my son. 299 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,600 Oh... 300 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,680 ..that's for you as well. 301 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,360 Look how cute that is. 302 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:58,920 Yeah, open it up. 303 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,160 Read that. 304 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,760 "You would make me the happiest mouse 305 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,800 "if you say yes and become my spouse." 306 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,880 'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh for one day,' 307 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,240 but things move fast in the village. If you don't snap up your girl fast, 308 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,920 some other fella might come sniffing round it. 309 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,320 If I was a dog, I'd piss on her. 310 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,040 Not in a harsh way, but just to mark my territory 311 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,880 and warn off other fellas. 312 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,520 Right, let me show you how to blind someone in a fight. 313 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,640 Ker! Oi, I told you I don't want to see you, 314 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,360 I'm spending time with my dad. 315 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,640 Kayleigh, this is my cousin Kerry. 316 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,160 And this is my uncle Martin. 317 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,320 Much obliged. 318 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,600 Is it all right if Kayleigh has a piss in your caravan? 319 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,160 Yeah, but use the toilet, though. 320 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,240 Go on, then. 321 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,480 Oi, how's it going? I think I bloody love her, Ker. 322 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,040 Really? She's so bubbly. 323 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,680 Got her eating out of the palm of my hand as well. 324 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,120 She loves the fact I vape. 325 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,960 But you don't vape. I know, but she don't know that. 326 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,480 That's it. Where's she off? 327 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,520 Kayleigh? 328 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,360 Kayleigh! 329 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,840 What the fuck? Well, I didn't do nothing. 330 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,200 Oh, my God. 331 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,880 You peeped on her, didn't you? 332 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,440 No, I never. Kurts... You're a dirty peeper. 333 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,640 Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't. 334 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,440 Don't say stuff like that. He's a dirty peeping bastard. 335 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,200 Shut your mouth. That's what you are. Everyone knows it, even Alan. 336 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,880 I was doing so well, Ker. Leave it, all right? Bye-bye, little boy. 337 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,200 Now he's pissed on it, you peeper. Oh, please, Kurt. 338 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,840 Wait till Alan finds out about this. 339 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,320 Kayleigh! Kayleigh! 340 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,760 You dirty peeping bastard! 341 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,440 Kayleigh! 342 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,760 So what did happen, then? 343 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,400 I was over where you are making a squash. 344 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,800 And before I know it she bolts out the door like a feral pig. 345 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,640 So you did nothing at all, Dad? 346 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,200 Nothing, Ker. You do believe me, don't you? 347 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,120 Look, I wasn't going to tell you this 348 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,640 but I'll bloody well have to now. 349 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,600 I'm flying to Australia this weekend and I want you to come with me. 350 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,200 What, as co-pilot? 351 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,240 No, as captain, dipstick. 352 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,080 You're joking! 353 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,800 Right, let's get the map out and plan the route. 354 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,480 Start here. Heathrow? Yeah, that's right. 355 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,240 And then we'll stop over at Singapore. 356 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,000 Right. Stretch our legs. 357 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,680 And then we'll carry on to Brisbane if the weather holds. 358 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,280 How does that sound? 359 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,040 It sounds like the best day of my life, to be honest, Dad. 360 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,000 PHONE RINGS 361 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,720 Yep. 362 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,200 Speaking. 363 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,640 Right. 364 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,400 OK. Yeah. 365 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,200 Right, OK. Thanks very much. 366 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,480 Bye now. 367 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,960 They've only gone and bloody dropped the charges, Ker. 368 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,280 You're joking me! 369 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,280 Bloody Sandra'll be sorry for kicking me out. 370 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,960 Turning her back on me. Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad. 371 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,920 I never turn my back on you, do I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad? 372 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,080 Hey, are you going to get the beers in, then, or what? 373 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,320 Yeah, I was just saying, though, just us two now, yeah, Dad? 374 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,520 Shop'll be shut in half hour. 375 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,000 Yeah, sorry, Dad. 376 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,120 Yeah. 377 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,240 Right, see you in a minute, then. 378 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,080 'I am raging now. 379 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,240 'I'm proper raging, mate.' 380 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,880 Kayleigh! 381 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,200 I've been looking everywhere for you. 382 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,480 You all right? Yeah. 383 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,160 Did he touch you? Who? 384 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,160 Kerry's dad. No. 385 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,800 He peeped on you, didn't he? 386 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,720 No. If he exposed himself to you, yeah, 387 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,960 I promise you I'll kill him with my own hands, yeah. 388 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,840 He didn't. Well, he must have done something for you to run away, 389 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,600 because that just doesn't happen. 390 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,960 All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan, 391 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,000 next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears. 392 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,720 As if. 393 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,840 Kayleigh, did I bore you to tears? 394 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,680 Oh, my God. 395 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,560 You ran away cos I was boring you? 396 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:38,760 Is this a joke? 397 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,920 Look, let me take you out tomorrow, yeah, and we can just like... 398 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,640 I can't. Why? 399 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,680 I got a boyfriend. 400 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,200 Who? 401 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:53,720 Slugs? 402 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,160 Seriously? 403 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,960 Oh, my God. 404 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,400 I told my nan about you and everything. 405 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,240 She was so excited about meeting you. 406 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,880 Fuck... 407 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,520 Roses are red 408 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,560 Violets are blue 409 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:14,920 I've got five fingers 410 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,640 The third one's for you. 411 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,160 And you. 412 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,800 Fucking hell. 413 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,960 Did you see that there? I am glad I'm out of that now. 414 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,600 Utter poison, the pair of them. 415 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:27,800 Fucking hell. 416 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,720 Dodged a bullet there, I think. 417 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,200 Thing is now, though, I feel bad for calling Martin a dirty peeper. 418 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,560 Do you know what? He might not even be a peeper after all. 419 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,040 But if he is, he's probably just a part-time peeper. 420 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,760 I just don't know why you'd say it. 421 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,400 I know, I said I'm sorry, though, Ker. 422 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,080 Yeah, but it's not me you need to apologise to, it's my dad. 423 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,520 Yeah, I will. So why did she run away, anyway? 424 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:03,200 Well...I didn't want to say, but apparently you gave her the creeps. 425 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,760 What? Why? Your face creeped her out. 426 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,680 So as much as I've got to apologise to you and your dad, 427 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,480 you've actually got to apologise to me. 428 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,600 All right, well, sorry, Kurts. 429 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,800 Forgiven. Dad, Kurtan's got something to say to you. 430 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,560 What are you doing? 431 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:23,040 Just packing. What, for our flight to Australia? 432 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,000 Yeah. It's a simulator, Dad, you don't need to pack a bag. 433 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,400 Hang on. What's this? 434 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,240 "Gone back to Sandra, cheers, all the best." 435 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,400 You're going back Sandra's? Yeah. 436 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,520 But aren't we going to do our flight to Australia? 437 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,160 No. But I thought it was just me and you now, Dad. 438 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,560 Ah, I got to go. 439 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,440 You ain't going anywhere, mate. Get out of my way, pipe cleaner. 440 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,840 You can't do this to Ker. 441 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,760 You'd be letting her down again. 442 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,200 Again. I don't need this. 443 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,280 Fuck off. Don't fight. Don't touch me, mate. 444 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,360 I'm going to lay you out. Come on, then! Come on. No, stop it. 445 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:56,160 Right. I'll knock you out. 446 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,280 Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on, then, Charlie large potatoes. 447 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,880 I don't land the first punch, I play Gypsy rules. 448 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,760 Yeah, well, so do I. 449 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,680 You're going to fight, are you? 450 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,120 Still kick you, though. Pathetic. 451 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,440 Cock. 452 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,680 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730 453 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,200 departing London Heathrow. 454 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,400 This is your captain Kerry Mucklowe speaking. 455 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,440 Our flight time is 24 hours and should arrive in Brisbane 456 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,280 at approximately 1100 hours local time. 457 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:35,760 This is a solo flight. 458 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,520 Don't let Sandra know, 459 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:47,000 but on the last Thursday of every month I shag Alan's wife senseless. 460 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,360 He says, "Martin, I can't get it up no more, 461 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,920 "you're hung like an oxen..." 462 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,040 Yeah. "..so give her a good stuffing to stop her nagging." 463 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,160 And that's exactly what I does. 464 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,840 I gives her the full works. 465 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:02,120 Alan occasionally comes in to get a pair of socks but personally I think 466 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,400 he just comes in to see how I does it. 467 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:08,000 And afterwards we all go down the Keeper's and he buys me a pint.