1 00:00:02,623 --> 00:00:06,763 All right, I want everybody dressed and in that car at 1900 hours, 2 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,967 which is exactly 15 minutes from now. 3 00:00:08,969 --> 00:00:10,889 If you don't know, you better ask somebody. 4 00:00:10,891 --> 00:00:12,551 Let's go. Let's get. Let's move! 5 00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:15,103 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sergeant Gomer Kyle! 6 00:00:15,096 --> 00:00:17,016 What are you screaming about down here? 7 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,307 Jay, I don't want to be late to another event. Okay? 8 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,851 This is my cousin's wedding and it's important that we're being there on time. 9 00:00:23,854 --> 00:00:26,204 You know the Kyle family is notorious for being late. 10 00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:27,987 So what? 11 00:00:27,988 --> 00:00:31,818 "So what?" Jay, my family already thinks we're highfalutin. 12 00:00:31,822 --> 00:00:33,992 So what? 13 00:00:33,994 --> 00:00:37,924 When you're late, Jay, it says that your time is more valuable than theirs. 14 00:00:37,918 --> 00:00:40,158 It is. So what? 15 00:00:40,161 --> 00:00:43,211 You know, it is always "so what" when it's my family. 16 00:00:43,214 --> 00:00:48,224 But when it's your family, hey, stop the world. You better be on time. 17 00:00:48,219 --> 00:00:50,759 You know, you even made me late for my cousin Leonard's funeral. 18 00:00:50,761 --> 00:00:52,631 But, baby, you hated your cousin Leonard. 19 00:00:52,633 --> 00:00:55,733 That's why I wanted to be early. I wanted to get there and just sit up front. 20 00:00:57,978 --> 00:01:00,678 Will you please relax? I'm almost ready. 21 00:01:00,681 --> 00:01:02,731 Unless you are Judge Judy or the Pope, 22 00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:04,693 you got to do better than a robe. 23 00:01:05,736 --> 00:01:07,396 Baby, I'm gonna wear a dress. 24 00:01:07,398 --> 00:01:09,688 I'm just having trouble deciding which one. 25 00:01:09,690 --> 00:01:10,900 No! 26 00:01:12,863 --> 00:01:15,753 Jay Kyle indecisive about what to wear? 27 00:01:15,746 --> 00:01:17,656 When has that ever happened before? 28 00:01:17,658 --> 00:01:20,328 Why did they decide to get married at night in the dark anyway? 29 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,871 Because he's an insomniac and she's ugly. 30 00:01:26,707 --> 00:01:28,587 Now, would you please just go get dressed? 31 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,709 All right. All right. Which one? The red or the black? 32 00:01:30,711 --> 00:01:32,171 The black. 33 00:01:32,173 --> 00:01:34,563 Thank you very much. I'll be wearing the red. 34 00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:37,475 Why do you ask me for my opinion if you're just gonna pick the other thing? 35 00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:40,678 Because I wanted a carefully considered opinion, Michael. 36 00:01:40,681 --> 00:01:44,571 You just said the first thing that popped into that little bald head of yours! 37 00:01:44,565 --> 00:01:46,395 Well, you know, that's because every time I say, 38 00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:48,107 "Wear that." You wear this. 39 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,528 If I felt you actually gave it some real thought, 40 00:01:50,531 --> 00:01:52,401 then maybe I would listen to you for once. 41 00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:54,663 Fine. Next time, I will give it careful consideration. 42 00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:56,405 But you have to wear what I say you should wear. 43 00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:57,787 Okay, fine. Deal. 44 00:01:57,788 --> 00:01:59,658 Okay. Now, could you please get dressed? Yes. 45 00:01:59,660 --> 00:02:03,410 All right. Whoa! 46 00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:05,214 Give it back, Junior. 47 00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,586 No. Forget it. You lost the right to it. 48 00:02:06,587 --> 00:02:08,247 Oh, hey, hey, what's going on here? 49 00:02:08,249 --> 00:02:11,009 Junior took my nose and he won't give it back! 50 00:02:11,011 --> 00:02:13,751 That's right. Because I told her if she ever messed with my CDs again, 51 00:02:13,754 --> 00:02:16,684 I was gonna take her nose and throw it in the garbage disposal. 52 00:02:16,677 --> 00:02:18,257 MICHAEL: Look... You better not! 53 00:02:18,259 --> 00:02:20,259 Here it goes... (MUMBLING) Hey, hey, hey. 54 00:02:20,261 --> 00:02:21,931 Junior, give her her nose back. 55 00:02:21,932 --> 00:02:23,102 We don't have time for this. 56 00:02:23,103 --> 00:02:24,903 Oh, come on, Dad, it's funny. 57 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,475 She actually thinks I got her nose. 58 00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:30,528 It's not funny. You see that face? You see her smiling? 59 00:02:30,531 --> 00:02:33,941 She's not laughing. It's not funny. Give her her nose back. 60 00:02:34,615 --> 00:02:35,735 No can do. 61 00:02:35,736 --> 00:02:37,826 Okay, fine. I got your ears. 62 00:02:38,489 --> 00:02:39,909 (JUNIOR SCOFFS) 63 00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:43,780 Come on, Dad. I'm 16. That trick doesn't work on me anymore. 64 00:02:43,784 --> 00:02:45,174 (INAUDIBLE) 65 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,787 All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! 66 00:02:48,789 --> 00:02:52,129 She can have her stupid nose back. Just give me my ears. 67 00:02:52,132 --> 00:02:55,562 Here. There's your ears. You got them on? Are they on tight? 68 00:02:55,556 --> 00:02:58,176 Yeah? Let me see. Can I check them out? Let me see. 69 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,348 (SCREAMING) Why the hell aren't you dressed? 70 00:03:01,352 --> 00:03:03,142 Dad, I don't want to go. 71 00:03:03,143 --> 00:03:05,073 I'm always uncomfortable when all the relatives get together. 72 00:03:05,065 --> 00:03:07,105 And Aunt Evelyn's always squeezing my cheeks. 73 00:03:07,107 --> 00:03:08,647 Well, just cover up your face. 74 00:03:08,649 --> 00:03:11,359 Not those cheeks. 75 00:03:11,362 --> 00:03:16,082 Look, Junior, we're going to this wedding whether you like it or not. 76 00:03:16,076 --> 00:03:18,486 Now, go upstairs and get in the shower 77 00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:21,449 because you smell like corn chips and ass! 78 00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:25,674 I do not smell like corn chips. 79 00:03:27,788 --> 00:03:29,918 Well, don't you look perfect? 80 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:33,170 You're gonna be the most beautiful flower girl at the wedding. 81 00:03:33,173 --> 00:03:34,803 My butt itches. 82 00:03:36,547 --> 00:03:39,887 As long as you keep your mouth shut. 83 00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:42,800 Now, you sit there and don't get messed up. 84 00:03:42,803 --> 00:03:44,983 Daddy, can I finish my chocolate pudding? 85 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:49,015 No, you're not gonna eat chocolate pudding in that pretty dress. 86 00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:50,229 Please, Daddy! 87 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,770 No. No way. 88 00:03:51,772 --> 00:03:53,352 Please! No. 89 00:03:53,354 --> 00:03:55,454 I love you, Daddy. 90 00:03:57,358 --> 00:03:59,858 Oh, all right. 91 00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:02,530 But wait, let me put something on you first. 92 00:04:07,077 --> 00:04:08,747 Yeah. 93 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:12,369 I want to see you try and get some pudding through that. 94 00:04:12,373 --> 00:04:13,963 (PHONE RINGING) 95 00:04:17,217 --> 00:04:20,217 Hello? Yeah, this is Michael Kyle. 96 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,260 I'm... I'm busy. No... 97 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,062 Oh, you're selling something? Could you call back at a more convenient hour? 98 00:04:25,055 --> 00:04:29,555 Like maybe when I'm having a heart attack and on the toilet, huh? 99 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,230 JUNIOR: Dad! What? 100 00:04:31,231 --> 00:04:33,891 I can't use the shower because Claire won't get out the bathroom. 101 00:04:33,894 --> 00:04:35,074 Well, just use mine. 102 00:04:35,065 --> 00:04:37,395 Hello... I tried but Mom's in there. 103 00:04:37,398 --> 00:04:40,158 All right, I'll be up in a second. Look, I can't talk right now. 104 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,240 Uh, you know what? Why don't you talk to the decision making lady of the house? 105 00:04:46,747 --> 00:04:51,207 Okay. There's this worm walking down the street... 106 00:04:51,211 --> 00:04:53,001 CLAIRE: Go away, Junior. 107 00:04:53,003 --> 00:04:55,473 It is not Junior. It's your father. Now, open the door, 108 00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:57,296 and don't make that mistake again. 109 00:04:59,510 --> 00:05:01,340 And what do you think you're wearing? 110 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,552 The invite said sexy casual. 111 00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:05,104 Yeah? Well, that's slutty formal 112 00:05:05,095 --> 00:05:06,725 and you're not wearing it. 113 00:05:06,727 --> 00:05:08,887 (SCOFFS) 114 00:05:08,889 --> 00:05:10,729 Get the fur ball out and change your dress and come out the bathroom 115 00:05:10,731 --> 00:05:12,691 'cause the boy got to take a shower. (SCOFFS) 116 00:05:12,693 --> 00:05:15,243 You (SCOFFS) one more time I'm gonna choke you for real. 117 00:05:18,198 --> 00:05:21,068 Get in the bathroom, pigpen. You got six minutes. Let's go. 118 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,463 Oh, baby, you look great! 119 00:05:35,456 --> 00:05:37,666 Thank you. You think so? 120 00:05:37,668 --> 00:05:40,668 Yes, it's like an angel fell from heaven and transformed itself into this 121 00:05:40,671 --> 00:05:42,801 perfect human being. Sweetie. 122 00:05:42,803 --> 00:05:44,093 You ready? Let's go. 123 00:05:45,766 --> 00:05:47,266 I'm almost done, Michael. 124 00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,347 Which pocketbook do you think I should take? 125 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,769 Okay, you actually want my opinion? 126 00:05:50,771 --> 00:05:53,561 Yes. If you're actually gonna give it some real thought, yes. 127 00:05:53,564 --> 00:05:54,654 Okay. Come on. 128 00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:57,815 All right. (MUMBLES) 129 00:05:57,818 --> 00:05:59,528 Let me see. Let me just get a... Right. 130 00:05:59,530 --> 00:06:02,030 Let me see that one. Uh-huh. Now, let me... 131 00:06:07,788 --> 00:06:09,488 Gray one. 132 00:06:09,490 --> 00:06:10,950 You sure? Absolutely. 133 00:06:10,951 --> 00:06:12,411 And you gave it careful consideration? 134 00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:14,843 Jay, I did The Thinker. I did this. 135 00:06:14,835 --> 00:06:18,125 The only other time I do this is when I'm on the toilet. Look. 136 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,210 Okay. Then I have to change my dress. 137 00:06:22,212 --> 00:06:24,132 No! No, I was kidding! How would you... 138 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,684 How would you think... Nope. 139 00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,306 ...I would pick the gray one? It don't even match your... 140 00:06:27,307 --> 00:06:28,467 I hate gray! 141 00:06:28,469 --> 00:06:30,719 I hate gray! 142 00:06:30,721 --> 00:06:33,971 No, Michael, you can't change your mind. You can't do it over. 143 00:06:33,974 --> 00:06:37,984 Oh, come on, Jay. We only have four minutes left. 144 00:06:37,978 --> 00:06:39,478 All right. You know what, just put on whatever 145 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,980 you want to wear, and just hurry up. Let's go. 146 00:06:40,981 --> 00:06:44,701 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't ever, ever, ever clap at me. 147 00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:45,825 Don't clap? 148 00:06:47,578 --> 00:06:49,448 What do I look like? A trained poodle? 149 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,490 Why don't you just set a hoop on fire? 150 00:06:51,492 --> 00:06:53,662 Is that what you want for your wife, to be jumping through a flaming hoop? 151 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:57,174 Only if I could hold it up to the car door. 152 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,667 I'm not one of your children, Michael. 153 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,710 I said I was gonna be ready, I will be ready! 154 00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:04,422 When? When I'm ready! 155 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,014 I'll be waiting downstairs. Thank you. 156 00:07:08,969 --> 00:07:11,259 Hello? Hello? 157 00:07:12,102 --> 00:07:13,892 She hung up. 158 00:07:13,894 --> 00:07:15,364 Nice work. 159 00:07:15,355 --> 00:07:18,515 Thank you, Daddy. I finished my pudding. 160 00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:19,689 Well, good for you. 161 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,110 And I did what you said. 162 00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,703 What... What did I say? 163 00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:27,945 You said, "Try getting pudding through this." And I did. 164 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:29,779 Ta-da! 165 00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:31,120 (GASPING) 166 00:07:32,072 --> 00:07:33,782 I'm pretty good, huh? 167 00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:35,294 Oh! Your mother's gonna kill me. 168 00:07:35,285 --> 00:07:37,205 Come on. Come here. Come here. 169 00:07:38,288 --> 00:07:39,918 What do I do? What can I do? 170 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,080 Okay. I got to think. Think, Michael, think, think, think. 171 00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:47,353 Think. You gotta redesign the dress. Think gay. 172 00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:49,757 (LISPING) I can do this. I'm strong. I'm strong. 173 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,510 I can do this. 174 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:54,692 We need some scissors... Fingers are stuck! 175 00:07:55,395 --> 00:07:56,595 (GRUNTING) 176 00:07:56,597 --> 00:08:00,147 Tape. Scissors. And a whole lot of luck. 177 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,231 Let's go. Snip here... 178 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,953 Will you sit still? You're squirming like a little guppy! 179 00:08:07,197 --> 00:08:10,487 Snip here. A little cut. Little cut. 180 00:08:11,451 --> 00:08:14,751 A little tape. I'm such a mess. 181 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,167 Cover up the boobies. 182 00:08:19,169 --> 00:08:21,999 No one wants to see the mosquito bites! 183 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,382 Okay. 184 00:08:23,383 --> 00:08:25,263 JLo, meet KLo. 185 00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:33,341 Would you let Claire wear this? 186 00:08:33,343 --> 00:08:35,853 (STOMPING FEET) Oh, you divas are so hard to please. 187 00:08:37,137 --> 00:08:38,397 (GRUNTS) 188 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,573 (KADY GRUNTING) 189 00:08:46,947 --> 00:08:49,607 Okay. Here. Get down. All right. 190 00:08:50,450 --> 00:08:52,570 What do we have? Oh! 191 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:55,083 How about this pretty, pretty dress? No. 192 00:08:55,075 --> 00:08:58,075 Okay, that sucks. Okay, what about this one? 193 00:08:58,078 --> 00:08:59,538 No. No? What about this? 194 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,659 Goes with the skin tone. 195 00:09:00,661 --> 00:09:02,501 It'll be nice, short... No? No. 196 00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,422 Okay. You're starting to sound like your mother. What do you want to wear? 197 00:09:04,424 --> 00:09:05,974 I don't know. I just want to look pretty. 198 00:09:05,966 --> 00:09:08,126 Okay. Well, you know what? Then, you pick something out, 199 00:09:08,128 --> 00:09:10,758 put it on in one minute, meet me back downstairs, okay? 200 00:09:16,346 --> 00:09:19,226 All right. Dressed or not, the Kyle express is leaving this house 201 00:09:19,229 --> 00:09:21,269 in exactly 10 seconds. 202 00:09:21,271 --> 00:09:23,061 Nine seconds. Eight... 203 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,113 All right. All right. We're here already. ...seven, six, five... 204 00:09:25,105 --> 00:09:26,895 Stop with the counting. 205 00:09:26,897 --> 00:09:31,277 One, two... Where's that other one? 206 00:09:31,281 --> 00:09:34,281 Kady, come on down. We'll dress you in the car. Come on! 207 00:09:34,284 --> 00:09:35,914 KADY: But I'm done already. 208 00:09:35,906 --> 00:09:37,196 Well, come on down. 209 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,870 Kady, what are you doing in your fairy costume? 210 00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:44,803 I spilled pudding on the other one. 211 00:09:44,795 --> 00:09:49,585 Well, who would be dumb enough to give her some chocolate pudding? 212 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,209 Yeah, who would? Boy, if I find out who did that... 213 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,434 Michael, she can't go like that. 214 00:09:56,426 --> 00:09:58,426 Look at the... She's wearing wings! 215 00:09:58,428 --> 00:10:00,428 It's okay. You wear wings, too. 216 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,605 Let's go. Let's just go. 217 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,146 All right. Out the door. Everybody out the door. 218 00:10:10,691 --> 00:10:12,441 Y'all better put a move on it. 219 00:10:12,442 --> 00:10:15,952 I'm gonna deduct money from your allowance for every second we're late. 220 00:10:15,946 --> 00:10:17,576 You, too, Jay. Oh, shoot. 221 00:10:23,243 --> 00:10:24,503 (EXHALES) 222 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:30,457 Okay. So, we're all ready. Everybody ready to go, right? 223 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:31,800 (ALL MUMBLING) Yes, for heaven's sake. 224 00:10:31,802 --> 00:10:33,672 Okay. You got the directions? Give me the directions. 225 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:35,354 Oh, I knew there was something I forgot. 226 00:10:35,345 --> 00:10:37,305 You forgot the directions? 227 00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:40,017 Yes, Michael. I did. I forgot. 228 00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:42,310 In all of your craziness, I forgot the directions. 229 00:10:42,312 --> 00:10:44,732 See, Daddy wants Mommy to go to the electric chair 230 00:10:44,725 --> 00:10:47,065 because Mommy forgot the directions! 231 00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:48,477 Is it a capital crime, Michael? 232 00:10:48,478 --> 00:10:51,898 No, it's not a capital crime. 233 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:55,042 It's the principle. That's what you do. You're navigator. 234 00:10:55,035 --> 00:10:56,985 I'm Captain Kirk. You're Mr. Spock. 235 00:10:56,987 --> 00:10:59,487 You're supposed to keep the ship on course. 236 00:10:59,489 --> 00:11:01,409 Actually, that was Sulu's job. 237 00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:07,173 Shut up before I beam my foot where no foot has been before. 238 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,377 All right, all right. You two just stop it. 239 00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:11,089 I'm going to get the directions. 240 00:11:11,091 --> 00:11:12,341 It'll take me two seconds. Will you hurry, hurry? 241 00:11:12,342 --> 00:11:13,962 Hey, hey, hey with the clapping! 242 00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:18,354 I was just cheering. Yay, Jay is coming back soon. Hurry, Jay! 243 00:11:26,016 --> 00:11:28,606 Okay. I got them. Let's go. 244 00:11:28,608 --> 00:11:33,018 Finally. Okay, guys, I want this to be a lesson to all of you. 245 00:11:33,023 --> 00:11:36,743 Being punctual is all about planning and preparation. 246 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:40,027 Okay? You got to anticipate the little things. 247 00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:44,240 All about the little things, like, keys. Them is little. 248 00:11:45,035 --> 00:11:46,705 You seen my keys? 249 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,376 (IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Without the key, she's got no power, Captain! 250 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,251 (GRUNTS) 251 00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:53,792 (LAUGHING) 252 00:11:55,175 --> 00:11:57,255 Okay. I'll be back in one minute. 253 00:11:57,257 --> 00:11:58,717 Just stay in the car, okay? 254 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,048 As a matter of fact, you're in car prison. 255 00:12:01,051 --> 00:12:04,181 You're incarcerated. Get it? Incarcerated. 256 00:12:07,397 --> 00:12:10,897 (SIGHS) Keys, keys, where are the keys? 257 00:12:11,812 --> 00:12:13,192 Keys. There they go. 258 00:12:15,525 --> 00:12:16,985 What're you doing back in the house? 259 00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,527 Kady cut the cheese. 260 00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:21,911 So what? 261 00:12:21,912 --> 00:12:24,242 It was Limburger. 262 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,924 All right, Kady, take off your seatbelt and come on! 263 00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:30,917 No! No! We are too close to being on time for this to unravel. 264 00:12:30,921 --> 00:12:32,581 It's a conspiracy. Come on. 265 00:12:32,582 --> 00:12:34,292 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 266 00:12:34,294 --> 00:12:37,144 You're not the boss of me, Captain Ahab! 267 00:12:37,137 --> 00:12:38,427 She had to go to the bathroom. 268 00:12:38,428 --> 00:12:39,758 She sure does. 269 00:12:41,591 --> 00:12:43,641 And besides, the car has to air out now. 270 00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:46,273 Well, if it's so bad in there, why is Junior still sitting there? 271 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,266 I don't know. He's your son. Why don't you go ask him? 272 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,559 (CAR ALARM SOUNDING) 273 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:51,770 (GROANING) Oh! 274 00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:56,815 (CAR ALARM SOUNDING) 275 00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:58,607 (IMITATING CAR ENGINE) 276 00:13:02,612 --> 00:13:03,902 (ALARM STOPS) 277 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:09,535 Okay, this isn't my fault. All I did was turn on the radio. 278 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,459 And touched those two wires together. 279 00:13:13,253 --> 00:13:15,553 What is the smell in here? 280 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,046 Kady pooted. 281 00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,218 It smells more like she decomposed. 282 00:13:21,471 --> 00:13:23,131 So, are the women coming back? 283 00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:24,803 I hope so. 284 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,354 Look, you stay here. Roll these windows down, let the car air out. 285 00:13:27,347 --> 00:13:30,057 I'll be back in one minute. Do not move. 286 00:13:33,143 --> 00:13:37,573 And, son, this... This smell, it don't... It don't bother you at all? 287 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:40,987 No. It reminds me of a simpler time. 288 00:13:47,617 --> 00:13:49,537 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Who was that on the phone? 289 00:13:49,539 --> 00:13:51,249 Oh, it was Erica. I've got to go change. 290 00:13:51,251 --> 00:13:54,451 Oh, no, no, no, no. We're way too late for that. Come on, let's go. 291 00:13:54,454 --> 00:13:57,264 But I just found out that Erica's wearing the exact same dress. 292 00:13:57,257 --> 00:13:58,837 We'll look like dorky twins! 293 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,718 No, no. You won't. You're so much more beautiful than she is. 294 00:14:01,721 --> 00:14:05,181 Oh, yeah. You're right. 295 00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:07,265 Well, I'll just go put on a sweater. It'll just take me a second. 296 00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:09,637 No, it's not gonna take you a second. You lie. 297 00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:11,019 You lie just like... 298 00:14:11,021 --> 00:14:12,181 Just like who? She lies like who? 299 00:14:12,182 --> 00:14:13,732 Her brother. He a liar. 300 00:14:15,815 --> 00:14:18,355 You know, Michael, you've been stressing me out so badly, 301 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,188 I almost forgot my earrings. 302 00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:22,980 Now, which earrings should I wear? 303 00:14:22,983 --> 00:14:24,193 (SIGHS) 304 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:32,408 Lord, please guide my hand in this impossible choice. 305 00:14:34,955 --> 00:14:36,625 Right there. 306 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,586 The studs? 307 00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:40,548 Yeah. That's what the Lord said. Studs. 308 00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:45,312 You sure? You chose wisely. 309 00:14:45,305 --> 00:14:47,135 Thank you, God. 310 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:50,347 Now, all I have to do is change my shoes to match the studs. 311 00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:52,560 Well, just hurry up. Come on. 312 00:14:52,562 --> 00:14:54,352 I killed a fly. Fly... 313 00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:04,070 Boy, that must have been some poop. Did you blow your foot off? 314 00:15:05,235 --> 00:15:06,735 No, Daddy. 315 00:15:06,736 --> 00:15:08,026 Then where's your shoe? 316 00:15:08,028 --> 00:15:09,408 I have no idea. 317 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,989 Okay. Let's retrace your steps. 318 00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:13,081 Number one, did you go in your room? No. 319 00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:15,343 Okay. Number two. Did you go in the bathroom? Yes. 320 00:15:15,335 --> 00:15:17,585 Okay, number three. In the bathroom, what did you do? 321 00:15:17,587 --> 00:15:19,667 Number two. Number two? 322 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,299 Number two. Okay, so, the answer to number three is number two. 323 00:15:23,303 --> 00:15:26,013 I did number one, too. 324 00:15:26,006 --> 00:15:30,256 Okay. So, the answer to number three is number one and number two, too. 325 00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:32,260 I have no idea. 326 00:15:35,105 --> 00:15:39,145 Neither do I. Okay, you sit here. 327 00:15:39,149 --> 00:15:43,269 And Daddy wants you to show me exactly what you did in that bathroom. 328 00:15:43,273 --> 00:15:46,123 No! No, no, not... 329 00:15:46,116 --> 00:15:48,406 With your feet. What did you do with your feet? 330 00:15:48,408 --> 00:15:50,738 I was kicking my legs like this. Right. 331 00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:52,280 And my shoe flew off. 332 00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:01,917 I think I know where that other shoe is. Come on. 333 00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:05,851 Here you go. Good as new. Go ahead. Put that on. 334 00:16:06,796 --> 00:16:08,506 I'm not gonna wear that. 335 00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:11,888 Why not? It's clean. It's got even the blue stuff in it. 336 00:16:11,891 --> 00:16:13,391 Daddy! 337 00:16:13,393 --> 00:16:15,983 You know what? Whatever your next favorite pair of shoes are, 338 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,685 put them on and let's go, please. 339 00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:19,597 JAY: Michael, we're ready. 340 00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:22,149 Oh, great. Now, your mother's rushing me. We must really be late. 341 00:16:23,653 --> 00:16:25,373 Come on, Dad. You're holding us up. 342 00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:29,195 Yeah, Michael. We're waiting on you. Come on, boy. Come on! 343 00:16:29,199 --> 00:16:30,989 Come on! 344 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,660 Okay, Jay. See, I don't mind that. 345 00:16:32,662 --> 00:16:35,422 I look at it as applause for being on time. 346 00:16:35,415 --> 00:16:39,325 Which we actually are, because I built in a 10 minute cushion 347 00:16:39,329 --> 00:16:40,789 knowing that you guys would be late. 348 00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:44,670 That is very clever. Where is Kady? 349 00:16:44,674 --> 00:16:48,844 Baby, why are you wearing your cowboy boots? 350 00:16:48,838 --> 00:16:53,678 Daddy said I could wear my second favorite pair of boots and these are them. 351 00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:55,603 Honey, she can't go to the wedding like that. 352 00:16:55,595 --> 00:16:58,635 Why not? She looks good. Like K.D. Lang. It's okay. 353 00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:02,350 Come on, let's go. Everybody out the door. 354 00:17:02,352 --> 00:17:05,152 No, not the kitchen. Too many distractions. Let's go out the front door. 355 00:17:05,145 --> 00:17:08,235 Let's go. No looking left or right. Just forward movement. 356 00:17:08,238 --> 00:17:10,698 Let's go. Let's march, kids. March. 357 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,110 (MICHAEL SHOUTING MARCHING ORDERS) 358 00:17:14,204 --> 00:17:15,214 Turn around. 359 00:17:16,746 --> 00:17:17,996 And fall in. 360 00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:19,867 All right. Okay. 361 00:17:19,869 --> 00:17:21,209 We all ready? 362 00:17:21,211 --> 00:17:23,291 Yes. No, we're not. Where's Junior? 363 00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,463 (BEEPING) 364 00:17:24,464 --> 00:17:25,724 And what's that? 365 00:17:25,715 --> 00:17:26,835 Sounded like the microwave. 366 00:17:26,836 --> 00:17:28,716 The micro... 367 00:17:28,718 --> 00:17:31,718 All right. You know what? Y'all please stay in the car and don't move 368 00:17:31,721 --> 00:17:35,101 because if you do, I promise I will make your life a living hell. 369 00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,385 Hey. Huh? 370 00:17:36,386 --> 00:17:38,386 You're off to a good start. 371 00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,439 I married a comedian. 372 00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:45,573 (WHISTLING) 373 00:17:47,737 --> 00:17:48,897 What're you doing in here? 374 00:17:48,898 --> 00:17:50,858 I got hungry. So, I made a tuna-melt. 375 00:17:52,242 --> 00:17:53,992 Want a bite? 376 00:17:53,993 --> 00:17:56,583 Yeah. I want to bite your head off. 377 00:17:56,576 --> 00:18:00,536 Now, put the sandwich down and get back in the car, fish-breath. 378 00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,160 Dad. What? 379 00:18:02,162 --> 00:18:03,412 Can I talk to you? 380 00:18:03,413 --> 00:18:05,473 Now? Yeah. 381 00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:07,915 Right now, you want to have a discussion? 382 00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:11,627 You want to talk when we're supposed to be in the car on our way somewhere? 383 00:18:11,631 --> 00:18:14,421 Now is the time you want to talk to me? 384 00:18:14,424 --> 00:18:15,774 It's important. 385 00:18:18,308 --> 00:18:19,978 What is it, son? 386 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,981 I don't like how you deal with me. 387 00:18:23,983 --> 00:18:25,783 What do you mean you don't like how I deal, what? 388 00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:27,225 You make fun of me a lot. 389 00:18:27,227 --> 00:18:29,607 You call me stupid, and bighead, and stuff like that. 390 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,609 And I try to shrug it off and mostly I succeed, but it's humiliating. 391 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:36,203 They're jokes. They're supposed to be humiliating. 392 00:18:36,196 --> 00:18:37,736 It's just me teasing you. 393 00:18:37,737 --> 00:18:40,697 Dad, you said yourself that it's not funny if no one's laughing. 394 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:44,870 Well, see this face? I'm not laughing. 395 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,134 That's the real reason I don't want to go to this wedding. 396 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,796 There's always some point at these functions 397 00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:52,298 where you take out the measuring tape and compare my head to the centerpiece. 398 00:18:55,094 --> 00:18:56,974 Okay, fine. I won't do that joke. 399 00:19:02,262 --> 00:19:04,392 It's just that it's hard enough being 16, 400 00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,734 without your dad thinking you're a dummy. 401 00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:08,436 I don't think you're a dummy, son. 402 00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:12,568 I just think sometimes you make some really dumb decisions. 403 00:19:12,572 --> 00:19:14,942 Well, maybe sometimes I don't make the best choices. 404 00:19:14,944 --> 00:19:17,044 You mean, like, coming in here to make a tuna-melt 405 00:19:17,036 --> 00:19:19,776 when we're supposed to be somewhere? 406 00:19:19,779 --> 00:19:21,619 Yeah. Or, like last month 407 00:19:21,621 --> 00:19:25,381 when you peed out the window 'cause you didn't want to go to the bathroom? 408 00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:28,995 That wasn't my fault. I didn't know you guys were still outside. 409 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,750 You know, we still can't grow anything in that area. 410 00:19:37,347 --> 00:19:40,257 Look, son. I'm gonna make a deal with you. 411 00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:44,890 From now on, I want you to start thinking about what you do before you do it. 412 00:19:44,894 --> 00:19:49,404 And I, in turn, will start thinking about what I say to you before I say it. 413 00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:50,689 Deal? 414 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:51,770 Deal. 415 00:19:55,525 --> 00:19:57,155 You know, I really do love you. 416 00:19:57,156 --> 00:19:58,946 I love you, too, Dad. 417 00:20:00,029 --> 00:20:01,369 (PHONE RINGING) Come on. 418 00:20:01,371 --> 00:20:03,081 I'll get it. No, no, no, no, no. You leave that. 419 00:20:03,082 --> 00:20:04,912 That's probably some salesperson. 420 00:20:04,914 --> 00:20:06,254 Come on, we could still make the "I dos." 421 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,876 No, hold on. What? 422 00:20:08,828 --> 00:20:11,038 I get hungry. Okay. 423 00:20:12,292 --> 00:20:14,172 Finally! 424 00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:16,513 Hi, I'm Michael Kyle and you've reached the Kyle residence. 425 00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,176 Please leave a message. 426 00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:19,387 (ANSWER MACHINE BEEPING) 427 00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:24,549 Michael, this your Aunt Evelyn. Hey, pick up. 428 00:20:24,554 --> 00:20:26,694 I know you ain't left yet. 429 00:20:26,686 --> 00:20:30,186 Well, anyhoo. The wedding's been canceled. 430 00:20:30,189 --> 00:20:33,109 Your cousin got stood up by the ugly girl. 431 00:20:40,570 --> 00:20:43,410 Jay, the notorious family's already... 432 00:20:47,577 --> 00:20:50,247 I just wanted to entertain them. 433 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,169 (STAMMERING) Why do these people have to decide 434 00:20:52,171 --> 00:20:53,921 to get married at night in the dark anyway? 435 00:20:53,923 --> 00:20:57,643 You want to say that again? Yeah! 436 00:20:57,637 --> 00:21:01,467 Why do these people have to decide to get married in the night and in the... Yeah!