1 00:00:03,553 --> 00:00:05,245 Max, look out, you're so tired 2 00:00:05,246 --> 00:00:06,691 you're spilling batter all over yourself. 3 00:00:06,692 --> 00:00:07,914 Ugh. 4 00:00:07,915 --> 00:00:09,249 I knew it was only a matter of time 5 00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:12,531 before I became a battered woman. 6 00:00:12,532 --> 00:00:14,658 This is a huge disappointment. 7 00:00:14,659 --> 00:00:16,618 I heard that. 8 00:00:16,619 --> 00:00:18,787 You don't even know what I'm referring to. 9 00:00:18,788 --> 00:00:21,998 Oh, I just assumed we were talking about everything. 10 00:00:21,999 --> 00:00:23,680 I'm referring to our expensive 11 00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:25,098 new cupcake website. 12 00:00:25,099 --> 00:00:26,503 Not one job offer. 13 00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:28,819 You want a website that will make you feel better about yourself? 14 00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:31,600 Go to models-falling-down.com 15 00:00:33,259 --> 00:00:36,763 Klum goes boom. 16 00:00:38,599 --> 00:00:40,851 It's 3:00 A.M. Who would be coming over now? 17 00:00:40,852 --> 00:00:43,149 I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? 18 00:00:43,150 --> 00:00:46,203 That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is? 19 00:00:48,190 --> 00:00:49,790 - Who is it? - You can't handle 20 00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:51,570 what's on the other side of that door. 21 00:00:51,571 --> 00:00:53,527 Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop 22 00:00:53,528 --> 00:00:54,711 frenching his cat. 23 00:00:54,712 --> 00:00:57,097 I can handle anything. 24 00:01:02,019 --> 00:01:04,437 Oleg, what are you doing here? 25 00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:07,461 And you put the, "oh, no," in kimono. 26 00:01:07,462 --> 00:01:09,493 Your upstairs neighbor Sophie 27 00:01:09,494 --> 00:01:11,339 is allowing me to have sex with her. 28 00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:13,864 And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. 29 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,449 Preferably, ones that you can eat. 30 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:20,515 How did you get out of apartment? 31 00:01:20,516 --> 00:01:22,405 You know the rules. 32 00:01:22,406 --> 00:01:25,525 I came down to borrow sensual oils. 33 00:01:25,526 --> 00:01:27,410 Yeah, but no peppermint. 34 00:01:27,411 --> 00:01:29,379 It makes his tongue swell. 35 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:30,797 And let's face it, 36 00:01:30,798 --> 00:01:34,696 his tongue is the best part about him. 37 00:01:34,697 --> 00:01:38,271 You're right, I can't handle that. 38 00:01:50,924 --> 00:01:52,447 those nice smelling men in booth two 39 00:01:52,448 --> 00:01:55,061 just asked me if I was on the down-low. 40 00:01:55,062 --> 00:01:56,534 What does this mean? 41 00:02:00,956 --> 00:02:02,602 They said, "are you on the down-low, 42 00:02:02,603 --> 00:02:05,835 because we have a friend who is a big-time rice queen." 43 00:02:05,836 --> 00:02:08,630 Again, coming up dry. 44 00:02:08,631 --> 00:02:10,799 Rice queen, is it, like, a Korean dairy queen? 45 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,779 Kind of. 46 00:02:14,147 --> 00:02:15,470 Here's table seven's check, Earl. 47 00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:17,138 Max, the guys at booth two 48 00:02:17,139 --> 00:02:19,099 just asked Han if was on the down-low. 49 00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,101 They think he's gay. 50 00:02:21,102 --> 00:02:22,405 That's a step up. 51 00:02:22,406 --> 00:02:25,792 Usually people think he's a lesbian. 52 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:30,693 Here you go, Sophie. 53 00:02:30,694 --> 00:02:32,715 Uh, Max, Caroline. 54 00:02:32,716 --> 00:02:34,656 Yeah, about last night, 55 00:02:34,657 --> 00:02:38,660 I hope we can keep that just between us girls. 56 00:02:38,661 --> 00:02:40,690 I'm sure we have all done things in the dark 57 00:02:40,691 --> 00:02:44,374 late at night with men that we'd like to forget. 58 00:02:44,375 --> 00:02:46,446 Why stop at late at night in the dark? 59 00:02:46,447 --> 00:02:47,864 How about early morning? 60 00:02:47,865 --> 00:02:50,713 Or a nooner at the port authority bus terminal? 61 00:02:50,714 --> 00:02:52,215 Oh, good. 62 00:02:52,216 --> 00:02:54,300 And you too understand, Caroline? 63 00:02:54,301 --> 00:02:55,855 Actually, no, sorry. 64 00:02:55,856 --> 00:02:57,240 I haven't ever done anything with a man 65 00:02:57,241 --> 00:02:59,125 - that I'm ashamed of. - Oh, yeah. 66 00:02:59,126 --> 00:03:00,793 But your father did steal millions 67 00:03:00,794 --> 00:03:04,102 and millions of dollars. 68 00:03:04,103 --> 00:03:06,529 So... don't forget that. 69 00:03:10,504 --> 00:03:12,037 Han just sat your favorite gays. 70 00:03:12,038 --> 00:03:14,474 Max, their names are Steven and Michael. 71 00:03:14,475 --> 00:03:16,906 And it's not very P.C. To reduce people to a stereotype. 72 00:03:16,907 --> 00:03:21,064 - Hey, girl. - What's up, care bear? 73 00:03:21,065 --> 00:03:22,648 Yeah, they're not stereotypes. 74 00:03:22,649 --> 00:03:24,517 What would you say if they called you 75 00:03:24,518 --> 00:03:26,332 "the big-boob waitress from the wrong side of the tracks 76 00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:28,126 who had sex with everyone in high school"? 77 00:03:28,127 --> 00:03:29,906 I'd say, "that's why I love the gays. 78 00:03:29,907 --> 00:03:31,796 They get me." 79 00:03:31,797 --> 00:03:33,276 Come over and say hello. 80 00:03:33,277 --> 00:03:34,744 They're the first and practically the only 81 00:03:34,745 --> 00:03:37,010 people that ever hired us to do a cupcake job. 82 00:03:37,011 --> 00:03:38,498 Do I have to? 83 00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:40,513 Can't I just stand here and judge from afar? 84 00:03:40,514 --> 00:03:43,016 Come on, and let's not mention how bad we're doing. 85 00:03:43,017 --> 00:03:44,754 We want them to think we're a big success, 86 00:03:44,755 --> 00:03:46,471 so they'll recommend us for their friends' events. 87 00:03:46,472 --> 00:03:49,063 Yeah, because you know the gays, they party about everything. 88 00:03:49,064 --> 00:03:52,428 And there's another stereotype. 89 00:03:52,429 --> 00:03:55,111 - Hi, guys. - Happy leap year! 90 00:03:55,112 --> 00:03:57,016 F.Y.I., people are still talking about 91 00:03:57,017 --> 00:03:58,990 those cupcakes you made for our wedding shower. 92 00:03:58,991 --> 00:04:00,887 - Everyone. - How's business? 93 00:04:00,888 --> 00:04:02,772 Fabulous, amazing, killing it. 94 00:04:02,773 --> 00:04:05,455 Or it's killing us. We're not quite sure. 95 00:04:05,456 --> 00:04:07,593 I'll go grab some menus for you girls. 96 00:04:07,594 --> 00:04:09,061 - Max. - Sorry. 97 00:04:09,062 --> 00:04:12,295 I'll go grab some menus for you ladies. 98 00:04:12,296 --> 00:04:14,839 Love her... so Madeleine Stowe in revenge. 99 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,174 Oh, she is. 100 00:04:16,175 --> 00:04:17,870 - I don't watch that. - We love it. 101 00:04:17,871 --> 00:04:19,288 It's all about a young blonde woman 102 00:04:19,289 --> 00:04:20,790 who's out to seek revenge on everyone 103 00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:22,305 for destroying her family. 104 00:04:22,306 --> 00:04:24,911 Yeah, too close to home. 105 00:04:26,446 --> 00:04:27,914 - Max, guess what. - Caroline, you're not 106 00:04:27,915 --> 00:04:29,582 supposed to tell me I'm on intervention 107 00:04:29,583 --> 00:04:31,814 until the actual intervention. 108 00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:33,983 I just got offered $600 109 00:04:33,984 --> 00:04:35,621 to stay at Steven and Michael's apartment 110 00:04:35,622 --> 00:04:37,056 and watch their dogs while they're out of town 111 00:04:37,057 --> 00:04:39,458 - for two days. - Why would anyone pay $600 112 00:04:39,459 --> 00:04:41,532 to watch dogs for two days? 113 00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:42,962 Well, because, you know, they want a certain 114 00:04:42,963 --> 00:04:44,296 amount of attention to be paid to the... 115 00:04:44,297 --> 00:04:48,039 Just say it, they're gay and they think their dogs are their children. 116 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,166 Max, you have to stop doing this. 117 00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:52,043 I'll stop when they stop. 118 00:04:52,044 --> 00:04:53,689 This is so exciting. 119 00:04:53,690 --> 00:04:55,808 It'll be like a paid vacation at an amazing hotel. 120 00:04:55,809 --> 00:04:58,216 And I need to get as far away from here as possible. 121 00:04:58,217 --> 00:05:00,843 - Oh, where do they live? - Four blocks away. 122 00:05:00,844 --> 00:05:02,748 Well, have a good time. 123 00:05:02,749 --> 00:05:04,534 And while you're four blocks away 124 00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,285 having your vacation, I'll be home 125 00:05:06,286 --> 00:05:08,671 maybe taking a little masturbacation. 126 00:05:10,757 --> 00:05:12,208 What are you talking about? 127 00:05:12,209 --> 00:05:13,993 I wouldn't go on vacation without you. 128 00:05:13,994 --> 00:05:15,545 We'll split the dog money to cover the shifts 129 00:05:15,546 --> 00:05:17,068 we take off from the diner. 130 00:05:17,069 --> 00:05:18,681 Well, thanks, but I don't do that thing 131 00:05:18,682 --> 00:05:20,113 where you take off work. 132 00:05:20,114 --> 00:05:22,334 "Hi, I'm Max, I can't go 133 00:05:22,335 --> 00:05:24,492 "to a fancy apartment and have fun. 134 00:05:24,493 --> 00:05:25,855 "I'd rather work in a steel mill 135 00:05:25,856 --> 00:05:28,421 and sing Bruce Springsteen songs." 136 00:05:29,769 --> 00:05:31,777 Max, when was the last time you had a vacation? 137 00:05:31,778 --> 00:05:33,001 Never. 138 00:05:33,002 --> 00:05:34,580 Unless you count the summer I hid 139 00:05:34,581 --> 00:05:37,672 under the front porch from my mom's new boyfriend. 140 00:05:37,673 --> 00:05:38,951 We really need to get out of here. 141 00:05:38,952 --> 00:05:40,486 This is more than just spring break. 142 00:05:40,487 --> 00:05:41,821 It's a break from the diner, 143 00:05:41,822 --> 00:05:44,207 from the cupcake business, from being poor, 144 00:05:44,208 --> 00:05:46,097 from everything depressing right now. 145 00:05:46,098 --> 00:05:48,578 Things aren't that depressing. 146 00:06:09,433 --> 00:06:10,747 Oh. 147 00:06:10,748 --> 00:06:13,853 Yeah, well, I'm sure we have 148 00:06:13,854 --> 00:06:17,773 all done things with men in kitchens that... 149 00:06:17,774 --> 00:06:19,525 We are not proud of. 150 00:06:31,108 --> 00:06:33,759 Spring break is the greatest time ever. 151 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,711 You just go crazy and do shots 152 00:06:35,712 --> 00:06:37,811 and throw all the rules out the window. 153 00:06:37,812 --> 00:06:39,515 Oh, I've done that. 154 00:06:39,516 --> 00:06:42,301 But when you're poor, you just call it Tuesday. 155 00:06:45,355 --> 00:06:47,690 Why are you walking like that? 156 00:06:47,691 --> 00:06:49,442 This is my spring break walk. 157 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,160 These shoulders have shimmied like this 158 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,895 all the way from Majorca to Ibiza. 159 00:06:52,896 --> 00:06:54,530 Try it, Max. Shake a little. 160 00:06:54,531 --> 00:06:56,148 - Shake. - That's cool. 161 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,784 I'll just wait till I get the DTS later. 162 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,406 Maybe I don't have the right key. 163 00:07:03,407 --> 00:07:04,796 Oh, hi. 164 00:07:04,797 --> 00:07:07,090 Sorry, I think we might be at the wrong door. 165 00:07:07,091 --> 00:07:08,925 That's a bummer for the door. 166 00:07:08,926 --> 00:07:10,546 It's over there, 12d. 167 00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:12,262 We're house-sitting for a few days. 168 00:07:12,263 --> 00:07:13,638 Cool, I'm Brendon. 169 00:07:13,639 --> 00:07:15,885 Hey, Brendon. I'm Ashley. 170 00:07:15,886 --> 00:07:19,088 - And... - I'm surprised. 171 00:07:19,089 --> 00:07:21,057 - And also Max. - I'd shake your hands, 172 00:07:21,058 --> 00:07:22,558 but I kind of stink. 173 00:07:22,559 --> 00:07:24,310 I've been at my microbrewery most of the day, 174 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,776 so I am sorry if I smell like yeast. 175 00:07:26,777 --> 00:07:29,154 Hey, that's my apology. 176 00:07:29,155 --> 00:07:32,234 Whoa, all right, cool. 177 00:07:32,235 --> 00:07:34,826 Well, I will see you guys around, yeah? 178 00:07:34,827 --> 00:07:37,273 Yeah, totes. 179 00:07:39,976 --> 00:07:42,244 You have something you want to tell me, Ashley? 180 00:07:42,245 --> 00:07:44,330 I never use Caroline channing on vacation 181 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:45,731 for security reasons. 182 00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,283 I was almost abducted at gunpoint 183 00:07:47,284 --> 00:07:49,007 for a ransom in Mexico city. 184 00:07:49,008 --> 00:07:50,419 Wow, gunpoint. 185 00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,469 Were you using the word, "totes" at the time? 186 00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:55,847 Can you take out the paper that has the alarm code on it? 187 00:07:58,762 --> 00:08:01,186 Wow, this place is amazing. 188 00:08:01,187 --> 00:08:04,100 It's, like, the cover of gay gay gay magazine. 189 00:08:05,981 --> 00:08:07,686 Max, you have to stop reducing them 190 00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,254 to that gay stereotype. 191 00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:11,891 Now, read me the security code. 192 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:15,909 It's..."Liza." 193 00:08:15,910 --> 00:08:17,780 A lot of different types of people 194 00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:20,288 like Liza Minnelli. 195 00:08:23,487 --> 00:08:27,212 Oh, look, it's a poodle in a tutu. 196 00:08:27,213 --> 00:08:30,292 That's not gay, right? 197 00:08:30,293 --> 00:08:32,294 Lots of... Lots of different 198 00:08:32,295 --> 00:08:36,715 types of people have a poodle in a tutu... 199 00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,766 Named Barbra Streisand. 200 00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:44,240 Oh, there's the book of instructions. 201 00:08:44,241 --> 00:08:46,856 "Hey, girl. Hey, care bear. 202 00:08:46,857 --> 00:08:49,562 "Have fun with Barbra Streisand and Wynonna Judd. 203 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,313 "Wynonna is a little temperamental 204 00:08:51,314 --> 00:08:53,182 "and tends to stay in the bedroom. 205 00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:56,318 "We didn't have time to purge her anal gland before left. 206 00:08:56,319 --> 00:08:58,576 Instructions on page two." 207 00:08:58,577 --> 00:09:01,579 I'm starting to understand the $600. 208 00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:04,026 "Don't worry, it's easy. We do it all the time." 209 00:09:04,027 --> 00:09:06,311 No wonder Wynonna's so temperamental. 210 00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:08,197 "Help yourself to anything in the fridge. 211 00:09:08,198 --> 00:09:10,797 There are portable saunas in the closet." 212 00:09:10,798 --> 00:09:12,151 Portable saunas? 213 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,768 Love it, what is it? 214 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,609 This is so cool. 215 00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:22,475 I'm hot like I'm at the beach, 216 00:09:22,476 --> 00:09:25,562 but I'm not stepping in any used condoms. 217 00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:26,799 Yeah, these are great. 218 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,167 My friend Candice travelstead 219 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,316 used one to make weight for prom. 220 00:09:30,317 --> 00:09:31,887 Are you done with that? 221 00:09:31,888 --> 00:09:33,856 Yeah, switch? 222 00:09:33,857 --> 00:09:35,057 On spring break, I always loved 223 00:09:35,058 --> 00:09:36,364 spending the day at the beach. 224 00:09:36,365 --> 00:09:38,908 Just the chilling and the girl talk. 225 00:09:38,909 --> 00:09:40,679 Yeah. Tell me again, 226 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,329 about the sound the anal gland made when you squeezed it. 227 00:09:43,330 --> 00:09:44,700 Please, stop. 228 00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:46,351 I already told you twice. 229 00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,418 And now, wynonna Judd won't even look at me. 230 00:09:48,419 --> 00:09:51,240 Well, not without her lawyer in the room. 231 00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:53,840 I'm hungry. What do you eat on vacation? 232 00:09:53,841 --> 00:09:55,544 Anything we want. 233 00:09:55,545 --> 00:09:57,329 Let's see. 234 00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,867 I bet their refrigerator is stocked with all kinds of pates 235 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:04,753 and cheeses and those parm crisp things. 236 00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,388 By the way, nice suit. 237 00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:08,224 You look like someone should be pouring a 40 on you 238 00:10:08,225 --> 00:10:09,942 in a rap video. 239 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,878 Thanks. 240 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,230 There's nothing. 241 00:10:14,231 --> 00:10:16,905 I mean, come on, what kind of gays are they? 242 00:10:16,906 --> 00:10:19,449 All anal gland and no cheese. 243 00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,687 I just expected everything to be better. 244 00:10:21,688 --> 00:10:23,411 You know, champagne on ice, 245 00:10:23,412 --> 00:10:25,107 thousand thread-count sheets. 246 00:10:25,108 --> 00:10:27,624 I mean, the towels... They're not even bath sheets. 247 00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,078 Wait, the towels aren't good? 248 00:10:29,079 --> 00:10:31,503 Because I already stole two. 249 00:10:31,504 --> 00:10:32,781 They're fine, they're just not 250 00:10:32,782 --> 00:10:34,088 what I was expecting. 251 00:10:34,089 --> 00:10:35,668 What's happening over there? 252 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,134 You could use a little shoulders. 253 00:10:38,135 --> 00:10:40,072 You're right, enough, we're on vacay. 254 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,874 Come on, let's go get dressed and find someplace to eat. 255 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,876 Are you crazy? I am not leaving this thing. 256 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:46,559 This is the happiest I've ever been in my life. 257 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,631 Okay, we'll order in, pretend it's room service. 258 00:10:48,632 --> 00:10:51,022 They must have a menu drawer here somewhere. 259 00:10:51,023 --> 00:10:52,268 Plus, we'll never find a restaurant 260 00:10:52,269 --> 00:10:54,150 with a portable sauna section. 261 00:10:54,151 --> 00:10:56,355 "Food network party tonight 262 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,440 "to celebrate the release of a cookbook. 263 00:10:58,441 --> 00:10:59,864 Food and drink provided." 264 00:10:59,865 --> 00:11:02,478 Free foodie food, free foodie drinks? 265 00:11:02,479 --> 00:11:04,813 - Yay, let's go. - No, I like it in here. 266 00:11:04,814 --> 00:11:06,579 It's amazing. 267 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:08,267 Ashley wants to go. 268 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,286 Ashley wants to go. 269 00:11:10,287 --> 00:11:12,377 Fine, but can I bring the dog? 270 00:11:12,378 --> 00:11:13,789 I've always wanted to be one of those girls 271 00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:15,491 who brings a tiny dog to a public place 272 00:11:15,492 --> 00:11:17,209 and just looks at everyone, like, 273 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,717 "yeah, I have a tiny dog, so what?" 274 00:11:19,718 --> 00:11:21,580 You can be whoever you want to be. 275 00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:22,865 You're on vacation. 276 00:11:22,866 --> 00:11:24,466 I'm gonna go invite Brendon to come. 277 00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:26,474 You gotta have a crush on spring break. 278 00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:28,887 Well, I'm sitting in my crush. 279 00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,687 Hey, shouldn't you put something on? 280 00:11:30,688 --> 00:11:32,572 Uh, it's spring break. 281 00:11:37,047 --> 00:11:39,064 Aah! 282 00:11:41,351 --> 00:11:43,819 Barbra, get help. 283 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,605 Go, Barbra Streisand, go. 284 00:11:51,094 --> 00:11:52,644 Hey, look at the book title, 285 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:56,212 Bacon. 286 00:11:56,213 --> 00:11:59,835 Heaven bacon. That's good wordplay. 287 00:11:59,836 --> 00:12:01,503 It's okay. Not much of a crowd. 288 00:12:01,504 --> 00:12:03,136 Party's a little disappointing. 289 00:12:03,137 --> 00:12:05,591 Bacon truffle, Barbra Streisand? 290 00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,849 Mm? 291 00:12:07,850 --> 00:12:11,997 Yeah, I'm feeding my tiny dog a truffle, so what? 292 00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,832 Miss, miss. 293 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,565 Excuse me, what are these things for? 294 00:12:15,566 --> 00:12:17,025 Oh, it holds your drink while you get food. 295 00:12:17,026 --> 00:12:19,688 - No! - Yeah. 296 00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:22,196 Yeah, these are great when you see them for the first time. 297 00:12:22,197 --> 00:12:23,942 For me, it was on a yacht 298 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,158 in the Mediterranean. 299 00:12:25,159 --> 00:12:27,179 You know what else these are good for? 300 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,621 Frees up your shoulders to shimmy. 301 00:12:29,622 --> 00:12:32,040 You shimmy. I'm gonna walk over here 302 00:12:32,041 --> 00:12:36,419 and find us a bigger, shinier something to do later. 303 00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:37,856 Later? We're going home 304 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:39,708 - to our amazing apartment. - Or not. 305 00:12:39,709 --> 00:12:41,160 Come on, Max, it's spring break. 306 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,745 Let's not get tied down. 307 00:12:42,746 --> 00:12:44,163 I'll be over there. 308 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,864 Yeah, we'll be over there. 309 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,549 Oh. 310 00:12:48,885 --> 00:12:51,768 Hi. You're not allowed to have dog in here. 311 00:12:51,769 --> 00:12:53,686 Unless he wants to buy the book. 312 00:12:53,687 --> 00:12:56,356 What are you, some kind of foodie bouncer? 313 00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:58,441 Worse. I wrote the book. 314 00:12:58,442 --> 00:13:00,234 Yeah, nice sleeves. 315 00:13:00,235 --> 00:13:03,816 You get those in the tattoo gold rush of '09? 316 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,156 I'm Zeke. What's your name? 317 00:13:05,157 --> 00:13:07,436 I'm Max. This is my tiny dog. 318 00:13:07,437 --> 00:13:09,869 I take her everywhere, so what? 319 00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:12,664 Hey, Max, you wanna try my thick-cut bacon? 320 00:13:12,665 --> 00:13:15,611 Maybe. Let's just take things slow. 321 00:13:17,113 --> 00:13:18,397 I'm telling you, it serves 322 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,115 the best vegan stew anywhere. 323 00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:21,881 You really should put it in your blog. 324 00:13:21,882 --> 00:13:24,253 Oh, if I write one more article about something vegan, 325 00:13:24,254 --> 00:13:27,539 all of my devoted 10,000 readers will hold hands 326 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,306 and jump collectively out a window. 327 00:13:30,307 --> 00:13:33,578 And I know you like to find what's new and what's next. 328 00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:34,811 Chocolate bacon? 329 00:13:34,812 --> 00:13:38,050 I just need a minute over there. 330 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,483 Hi, couldn't help but overhear. 331 00:13:40,484 --> 00:13:42,020 If you're looking for what's new, 332 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,755 I found these two adorable girls 333 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,154 who run a cupcake business 334 00:13:45,155 --> 00:13:46,608 out of their home in Williamsburg. 335 00:13:46,609 --> 00:13:48,394 I know how that sounds, but trust me, 336 00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:50,910 totally fresh and not at all overexposed. 337 00:13:50,911 --> 00:13:53,121 And you're someone I should listen to because...? 338 00:13:53,122 --> 00:13:55,284 Sorry, didn't introduce myself. 339 00:13:55,285 --> 00:13:58,084 Ashley Emerson, style editor for Elle. 340 00:13:58,085 --> 00:14:00,294 Oh. 341 00:14:00,295 --> 00:14:01,773 If you're interested, I think I might have 342 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:02,941 a card in here somewhere. 343 00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:04,924 Was holding on to it for Martha. 344 00:14:04,925 --> 00:14:08,213 Mr. Bacon action figure. 345 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,346 A world of bacon sampler. 346 00:14:10,347 --> 00:14:12,501 And I want to apologize for the food network trucker hat, 347 00:14:12,502 --> 00:14:13,952 which has nothing to do with bacon 348 00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:15,787 and everything to do with me being a sellout. 349 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:16,889 Guess what. 350 00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,354 Ashley just gave our card 351 00:14:18,355 --> 00:14:21,593 to a woman who's such a bitch she must be important. 352 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,845 She's a food blogger. 353 00:14:22,846 --> 00:14:23,979 It's a long shot, 354 00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,564 but we need to get some exposure. 355 00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,149 Whoa, we are on vacation. 356 00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:30,152 No business talk. That was the deal, right? 357 00:14:30,153 --> 00:14:34,239 This is Zeke, chef-slash- author-slash-corporate sellout. 358 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,414 We were, uh... 359 00:14:36,415 --> 00:14:38,160 We were thinking about going back to the apartment 360 00:14:38,161 --> 00:14:40,579 - to hang out. - Oh, sounds fun. 361 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,170 Can I see you alone for a second? 362 00:14:42,171 --> 00:14:43,615 Well, not alone. 363 00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,299 I bring my tiny dog everywhere, so what? 364 00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:49,154 Come on, I heard of an after-party in Soho 365 00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:51,089 and an after-after-party in dumbo. 366 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:52,341 So, let's go-ho. 367 00:14:52,342 --> 00:14:54,766 Have fun and get this vacation started. 368 00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:57,463 I'm holding a tiny dog at a bacon-book party 369 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,932 and laughing with a guy who wrote a book about bacon. 370 00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:02,940 I think my vacation's already started. 371 00:15:02,941 --> 00:15:04,553 All right, well, have fun. 372 00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:06,151 I'm gonna go par-tay. 373 00:15:06,152 --> 00:15:09,391 Eh, did your thing, Ash. 374 00:15:15,128 --> 00:15:16,506 I don't want to say that I'm hot. 375 00:15:16,507 --> 00:15:20,093 But the bacon in my pocket is done. 376 00:15:20,094 --> 00:15:22,895 We said turns were five minutes, you bastards. 377 00:15:24,196 --> 00:15:26,331 Oh, hi. More sauna fun. 378 00:15:26,332 --> 00:15:28,351 Max, can I see you in the hall for a second? 379 00:15:28,352 --> 00:15:32,304 But it's my turn to sweat my balls off. 380 00:15:32,305 --> 00:15:35,590 Don't think the clock's not running while I'm out there. 381 00:15:35,591 --> 00:15:37,309 We're going on a real vacation. 382 00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:39,010 How quickly can you pack a bag? 383 00:15:39,011 --> 00:15:40,562 And don't worry about appropriate evening wear. 384 00:15:40,563 --> 00:15:41,897 Every four seasons has a Gucci 385 00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:43,825 near the Bulgari store in the lobby. 386 00:15:43,826 --> 00:15:46,518 None of those words made any sense. 387 00:15:46,519 --> 00:15:48,454 I think you've had a spring break stroke. 388 00:15:48,455 --> 00:15:50,739 No, seriously, there's a car waiting downstairs 389 00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:52,491 to take us to a private plane. 390 00:15:52,492 --> 00:15:53,992 We can be at Teterboro in 20 minutes 391 00:15:53,993 --> 00:15:55,243 and Tahiti in 8 hours. 392 00:15:55,244 --> 00:15:57,896 The Greek is paying for everything. 393 00:15:57,897 --> 00:15:59,865 What did they give you? 394 00:15:59,866 --> 00:16:02,009 What's the last thing you can remember? 395 00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:03,668 Nothing. 396 00:16:03,669 --> 00:16:05,221 I just had some cristal. 397 00:16:05,222 --> 00:16:07,682 Some cristal meth? 398 00:16:07,683 --> 00:16:09,424 No, I'm just really excited. 399 00:16:09,425 --> 00:16:12,093 I went to the after-party and this shipping magnate. 400 00:16:12,094 --> 00:16:13,678 Don't worry, it's not gonna be sexual. 401 00:16:13,679 --> 00:16:15,413 More like a father thing. 402 00:16:15,414 --> 00:16:18,109 Anyway, let's go... finally got us a good vacation. 403 00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:20,194 But we're having a good vacation. 404 00:16:20,195 --> 00:16:21,920 Max, don't take this personally, 405 00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:23,588 but you don't know what a good vacation is 406 00:16:23,589 --> 00:16:25,158 because you've never been anywhere. 407 00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:27,243 I mean, you walked into that apartment 408 00:16:27,244 --> 00:16:30,362 and your face lit up, like... Like it was amazing. 409 00:16:30,363 --> 00:16:32,447 And that's because you don't know that it's not. 410 00:16:32,448 --> 00:16:34,983 Trust me. I've been everywhere. 411 00:16:34,984 --> 00:16:38,713 And I'm telling you, this is the worst vacation ever. 412 00:16:38,714 --> 00:16:41,940 So let's ditch the bacon freak and the beer bro, 413 00:16:41,941 --> 00:16:44,442 get on that plane, spend one great day at the beach, 414 00:16:44,443 --> 00:16:46,804 and then come back and make $8 an hour. 415 00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:48,496 That sounds fun. 416 00:16:48,497 --> 00:16:50,131 You kind of skipped over the part where we get abducted 417 00:16:50,132 --> 00:16:52,133 and Nancy grace covers the year-long search 418 00:16:52,134 --> 00:16:53,644 for our bodies. 419 00:16:55,287 --> 00:16:56,939 It must be Constantine. He's gonna be upset. 420 00:16:56,940 --> 00:16:59,624 You never keep a Greek waiting. 421 00:16:59,625 --> 00:17:01,259 Oh, my God, Max, we just got an email 422 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:03,762 on our website from that food blogger at the book party. 423 00:17:03,763 --> 00:17:06,014 She said if we drop off four cupcakes by tomorrow morning, 424 00:17:06,015 --> 00:17:08,984 she'll consider writing about them for her column that day. 425 00:17:08,985 --> 00:17:10,745 Well, what's it gonna be, Caroline or Ashley? 426 00:17:10,746 --> 00:17:13,939 Cupcakes or Tahiti? Your call. 427 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,834 Is the Greek still waiting? 428 00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:18,743 He just pulled away. 429 00:17:18,744 --> 00:17:20,880 I'm sure he'll come back here for Ashley sometime. 430 00:17:20,881 --> 00:17:23,591 And when that happens, I wouldn't want to be her. 431 00:17:23,592 --> 00:17:26,219 Well, after tomorrow, you won't be. 432 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:27,345 What can I do? 433 00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:29,087 You mean after your two personalities 434 00:17:29,088 --> 00:17:31,057 meet and kill each other? 435 00:17:31,058 --> 00:17:32,958 Max, I told you I needed a break. 436 00:17:32,959 --> 00:17:35,561 I just didn't know it was gonna be a psychotic one. 437 00:17:35,562 --> 00:17:37,045 You really need to chill. 438 00:17:37,046 --> 00:17:38,463 You can't keep freaking out 439 00:17:38,464 --> 00:17:39,798 because you're not where you want to be... 440 00:17:39,799 --> 00:17:41,800 On vacation or in our business. 441 00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:44,904 I mean, it's life. Lower your expectations. 442 00:17:44,905 --> 00:17:46,989 This microbrew is actually really good. 443 00:17:46,990 --> 00:17:49,007 Tastes better in the batter. 444 00:17:49,008 --> 00:17:51,410 Hey, crumble up some of that maple bacon for me. 445 00:17:51,411 --> 00:17:53,194 Sorry about that stuff I said 446 00:17:53,195 --> 00:17:55,081 about you never having gone anywhere. 447 00:17:55,082 --> 00:17:56,681 Why? I never have gone anywhere 448 00:17:56,682 --> 00:17:58,533 or done anything. 449 00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:00,285 And now I'm thinking that's kind of a good thing, 450 00:18:00,286 --> 00:18:02,404 because I can still get excited and make a face 451 00:18:02,405 --> 00:18:04,205 when something's new to me. 452 00:18:04,206 --> 00:18:05,508 'Cause, basically, everything is. 453 00:18:05,509 --> 00:18:07,134 That must be nice. 454 00:18:07,135 --> 00:18:10,596 All right, here, taste it. 455 00:18:10,597 --> 00:18:14,049 My beer-batter, maple bacon, spring break cupcake. 456 00:18:17,019 --> 00:18:20,731 Oh, my God, you made the "something new" face. 457 00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:23,391 I did, because you made something new. 458 00:18:23,392 --> 00:18:26,761 - It's delicious. - Do the face again. 459 00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:37,123 Oh, there they are, the world travelers. 460 00:18:37,124 --> 00:18:39,333 Shouldn't people be throwing confetti or something? 461 00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:41,059 I'm all out. 462 00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:44,779 I snorted mine in the power outage of '65. 463 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:46,215 How was your vacation? 464 00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:48,533 Well, it turned out to be more of a daycation, 465 00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:50,401 but we had a great time, didn't we, Max? 466 00:18:50,402 --> 00:18:51,920 Yes, we did. 467 00:18:51,921 --> 00:18:54,223 Max, things sure are dull around here without you. 468 00:18:54,224 --> 00:18:55,907 Everyone walking around all P.C., 469 00:18:55,908 --> 00:18:58,402 nobody called me black. Hell. 470 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:02,180 I haven't left once since you've been gone. 471 00:19:02,181 --> 00:19:05,234 When it comes to this job, you are my vacation. 472 00:19:05,235 --> 00:19:06,918 Aw. 473 00:19:06,919 --> 00:19:09,087 And that, Earl, is why I got 474 00:19:09,088 --> 00:19:11,773 all five of these gift bags for you. 475 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,427 Welcome, again, to the Williamsburg diner. 476 00:19:16,428 --> 00:19:18,289 This way, please. 477 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:22,233 I have looked up "down-low" and "rice queen" on Wikipedia. 478 00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:24,435 And, no, I'm not a secret homosexual 479 00:19:24,436 --> 00:19:26,964 or a man who chases only Asian men. 480 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:30,059 I'm great, I'm straight. Get used to it. 481 00:19:32,219 --> 00:19:33,878 Hi, guys. How was your vacation? 482 00:19:33,879 --> 00:19:35,932 Great. Did you have fun at our place? 483 00:19:35,933 --> 00:19:37,975 Totes. Your saunas are sick. 484 00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:41,062 I know. Could they be any gayer? 485 00:19:41,063 --> 00:19:43,454 No. 486 00:19:43,455 --> 00:19:46,007 Just one thing. Wynonna's still a little upset 487 00:19:46,008 --> 00:19:47,735 about the anal gland event. 488 00:19:47,736 --> 00:19:49,344 What? 489 00:19:49,345 --> 00:19:52,347 I told you she wouldn't know it was a joke. 490 00:19:56,015 --> 00:19:58,636 How could she not know it was a joke? 491 00:19:58,637 --> 00:20:02,083 I mean, who would ask someone to squeeze their dog's pooper? 492 00:20:02,084 --> 00:20:04,168 We're paying you another 50. 493 00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,661 Dude, she went second knuckle deep 494 00:20:06,662 --> 00:20:10,800 in your beagle's back door for only another 50? 495 00:20:10,801 --> 00:20:12,259 150. 496 00:20:12,260 --> 00:20:14,152 Thank you. 497 00:20:14,153 --> 00:20:15,670 And just one other thing. 498 00:20:15,671 --> 00:20:17,989 Our business is actually not that great right now, 499 00:20:17,990 --> 00:20:19,707 so if you could recommend us to any of your friends, 500 00:20:19,708 --> 00:20:21,519 - that would really help. - Good for you. 501 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,271 I'm sure business will pick up after that blog blurb. 502 00:20:24,272 --> 00:20:26,631 - Wait, blog blurb? - About your beer-battered 503 00:20:26,632 --> 00:20:28,099 maple bacon spring break cupcake. 504 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,360 We just read about it. 505 00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:31,779 Yeah, in that foodie bitch's blog. 506 00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:33,239 Max, it worked. 507 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,116 Let's go look at the blog on Han's computer. 508 00:20:35,117 --> 00:20:36,909 Excuse us. We'll be right back. 509 00:20:36,910 --> 00:20:39,861 We got a little break and a big break. 510 00:20:48,687 --> 00:20:50,688 Yeah, I did it again. 511 00:20:50,689 --> 00:20:53,124 Yeah. 512 00:20:58,881 --> 00:21:00,531 Welcome back. 513 00:21:00,532 --> 00:21:03,360 You missed the best two days of my life.