1 00:00:03,123 --> 00:00:05,467 Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl. 2 00:00:05,587 --> 00:00:06,712 Going somewhere special? 3 00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:08,777 Max, i am free black and 75. 4 00:00:08,897 --> 00:00:10,857 Who knows what the night will bring? 5 00:00:12,527 --> 00:00:13,890 Well, here's a twenty. 6 00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:15,896 Can you break this the way you just broke my heart? 7 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,132 Pop-pop. 8 00:00:19,963 --> 00:00:21,164 Look at all this. 9 00:00:21,284 --> 00:00:22,805 People really tipped us well tonight. 10 00:00:22,925 --> 00:00:24,196 Yeah, well, don't get used to it. 11 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:26,545 Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize 12 00:00:26,665 --> 00:00:27,585 how much money they have to spend 13 00:00:27,587 --> 00:00:29,871 on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter 14 00:00:29,873 --> 00:00:34,259 than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared. 15 00:00:34,261 --> 00:00:36,210 I've always loved this time of year-- 16 00:00:36,212 --> 00:00:39,981 spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out, 17 00:00:39,983 --> 00:00:41,316 then bringing my winter furs 18 00:00:41,318 --> 00:00:43,735 to the dry cleaner's to get the red peta paint out. 19 00:00:43,737 --> 00:00:47,388 For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves 20 00:00:47,390 --> 00:00:51,326 and finding a used condom. 21 00:00:52,562 --> 00:00:54,946 What's up, children of the corn? 22 00:00:54,948 --> 00:00:58,333 I will stay tonight and decorate diner 23 00:00:58,335 --> 00:01:00,785 for American holiday of Thanksgiving. 24 00:01:00,787 --> 00:01:03,872 Wow. I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations. 25 00:01:03,874 --> 00:01:06,741 Last month, you put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur. 26 00:01:06,743 --> 00:01:10,628 So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all. 27 00:01:10,630 --> 00:01:14,099 What, like I don't got a life? 28 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:26,293 My father and I had a very special 29 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,544 Thanksgiving tradition every year. 30 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:28,879 Oh, let me guess. 31 00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:31,465 You'd fly someplace like the Bahamas, lay by the pool, 32 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,168 and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire? 33 00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:36,837 No. We'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms 34 00:01:36,839 --> 00:01:38,138 and feed the homeless. 35 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:41,041 Don't look at me right now. 36 00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:43,227 And after, we'd fly down to our home in St. Barts 37 00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:44,211 for two weeks. 38 00:01:44,213 --> 00:01:45,846 Okay, you can look at me again. 39 00:01:45,848 --> 00:01:49,183 I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once-- 40 00:01:52,521 --> 00:01:55,272 For that money, it should eat me first. 41 00:01:55,274 --> 00:01:59,693 Okay, ready to go? 42 00:01:59,695 --> 00:02:01,612 Han, if you'd really like to do something in the diner 43 00:02:01,614 --> 00:02:03,330 to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving, 44 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:04,915 you can open your doors and feed the homeless. 45 00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:07,368 Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is. 46 00:02:08,153 --> 00:02:09,903 Caroline and I will work for free. 47 00:02:09,905 --> 00:02:12,289 Isn't it enough that when I see them on the street, 48 00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:15,075 I smile and pretend to fumble for change? 49 00:02:15,077 --> 00:02:17,378 No, it isn't. 50 00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:19,746 You can afford to open the diner for one night. 51 00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:22,299 You can't put a price tag on those kind of emotional rewards. 52 00:02:22,301 --> 00:02:25,419 Yes, I can. $18 for 16-pound turkey, 53 00:02:25,421 --> 00:02:27,271 and I will need many of them. 54 00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:29,106 There--price tag. 55 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:32,476 Here, I will pay for turkeys. 56 00:02:32,478 --> 00:02:33,927 Jeez, dude, where'd you get that? 57 00:02:33,929 --> 00:02:35,762 I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire 58 00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,898 to schoolkids in New York. 59 00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,284 It is a good profit and beautiful drive. 60 00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,453 I love the leaves. 61 00:02:42,455 --> 00:02:44,238 All right. 62 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,825 I'm feeling y'all. I'll bring the pie. 63 00:02:47,827 --> 00:02:50,077 My mother used to make the best chocolate pie. 64 00:02:50,079 --> 00:02:51,378 I remember one time she got so mad 65 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,746 at this white woman she worked for, 66 00:02:52,748 --> 00:02:54,998 she took this chocolate pie into the bathroom-- 67 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,734 No, hold up. That was from the help. 68 00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:04,508 I know it's not Burberry like we're used to, 69 00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:06,844 but I'm telling you, used moving blankets 70 00:03:06,846 --> 00:03:08,312 are gonna be in this year. 71 00:03:08,314 --> 00:03:10,597 Who's a trendsetter? 72 00:03:10,599 --> 00:03:13,717 We're really lucky November is so warm. 73 00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:16,153 Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving-- 74 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,654 global warming. 75 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:21,859 I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree. 76 00:03:21,861 --> 00:03:24,328 Max, it's time to teach me how to bake. 77 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:25,579 Okay, well, if we're doing that, 78 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,197 first I have to go get baked. 79 00:03:27,199 --> 00:03:29,149 I'm serious. 80 00:03:29,151 --> 00:03:30,817 It's the beginning of the holiday season, 81 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:32,836 and with all the potential Christmas cupcakes 82 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,204 and festive gift baskets, 83 00:03:34,206 --> 00:03:36,039 you're gonna need as much help as you can get. 84 00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:38,658 Festive holiday gift baskets? 85 00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:39,626 No way. 86 00:03:39,628 --> 00:03:40,878 I'm not into all that crap. 87 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,496 Oh, no. Are you gonna be one of those, 88 00:03:42,498 --> 00:03:44,548 "I am too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" 89 00:03:44,550 --> 00:03:46,183 type of bitches? 90 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:49,669 I am so many types of bitches, 91 00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:50,938 I've lost count. 92 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:55,058 And the only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is... 93 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,194 I wonder how you're gonna keep up that attitude 94 00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:58,529 through Christmas this year. 95 00:03:58,531 --> 00:04:01,198 Why, because this is my first holiday without any money? 96 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,567 Uh, yeah. 97 00:04:03,569 --> 00:04:04,735 Money isn't what makes 98 00:04:04,737 --> 00:04:07,137 the holidays special, Max. 99 00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:08,872 Uh, yeah. 100 00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:11,191 The holidays are totally about money. 101 00:04:11,193 --> 00:04:12,859 It's about spending money to buy things 102 00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:15,329 to stuff into the giant black sucking hole 103 00:04:15,331 --> 00:04:16,997 in the center of each of us that reminds us 104 00:04:16,999 --> 00:04:20,167 life is hard and then we die. 105 00:04:20,169 --> 00:04:22,753 And that's my Christmas card. 106 00:04:22,755 --> 00:04:26,006 Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging, 107 00:04:26,008 --> 00:04:27,707 will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree 108 00:04:27,709 --> 00:04:30,210 decorated by ten gay men? Yes. 109 00:04:30,212 --> 00:04:31,979 Will I miss those ten gay men 110 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:35,882 outing my cousin Steven before he was ready? No. 111 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:37,768 My holiday spirit is bigger than my money. 112 00:04:37,770 --> 00:04:39,152 So come on, teach me how to bake. 113 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,320 We only have a couple weeks. 114 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:43,156 Fine. Pour a cup of milk into the mixer. 115 00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:44,508 This will be fun. 116 00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:46,944 When I was little, I used to make my father cakes 117 00:04:46,946 --> 00:04:48,812 in my easy-bake oven. 118 00:04:48,814 --> 00:04:51,915 My easy-bake oven was repossessed. 119 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:56,253 So, um, speaking of your father, are you doing okay? 120 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,504 I mean, this is a hard time of year 121 00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,540 for people who have feelings, and just... 122 00:04:59,542 --> 00:05:02,175 With your father in prison, how are you doing? 123 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,594 I'm doing great. 124 00:05:03,596 --> 00:05:05,679 I actually just found out that since it's Thanksgiving, 125 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:07,848 they're allowing me to come see him for the first time. 126 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,900 Well, that excitement will probably taper off 127 00:05:09,902 --> 00:05:12,302 after the full-body cavity search. 128 00:05:12,304 --> 00:05:13,971 I don't know. I might like it. 129 00:05:13,973 --> 00:05:17,274 It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched. 130 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:20,760 All right. Pour the milk, slut. 131 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,148 One cup milk. 132 00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:26,199 There, how's that? 133 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,150 Good. 134 00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:31,438 Now into the mixer. 135 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:32,772 There, how was that? 136 00:05:32,774 --> 00:05:34,575 Uh-uh. We're not playing 137 00:05:34,577 --> 00:05:37,878 "Rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal" 138 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,496 Just cover the bowl with the towel 139 00:05:39,498 --> 00:05:41,381 so it doesn't splash out, and turn it on. 140 00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:44,217 Oh, it's not plugged in. 141 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:47,004 Oh. Right. 142 00:05:47,006 --> 00:05:49,940 No, not without the towel! 143 00:05:52,794 --> 00:05:56,480 Christmas comes but once a year, 144 00:05:56,482 --> 00:05:59,433 and I think it just did. 145 00:06:02,356 --> 00:06:05,258 Wow. These high-end mixers are a lot of money. 146 00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:07,010 I thought if we came to a big department store, 147 00:06:07,012 --> 00:06:08,928 there'd be a lot of them, and the prices would be better. 148 00:06:08,930 --> 00:06:09,963 We can't afford these. 149 00:06:09,965 --> 00:06:11,798 How much did you think they'd be? 150 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,182 I don't know. 151 00:06:13,184 --> 00:06:15,184 I guess I'm not used to looking at prices. 152 00:06:15,186 --> 00:06:18,571 I usually just point, pout, and it's purchased. 153 00:06:18,573 --> 00:06:21,024 Yeah, I had a version of that, only it was more like, 154 00:06:21,026 --> 00:06:22,692 point, and when they look the other way, 155 00:06:22,694 --> 00:06:25,194 stuff steaks down your pants and run. 156 00:06:25,196 --> 00:06:27,813 Come on, there has to be a mixer here we can afford. 157 00:06:27,815 --> 00:06:30,616 There is. 158 00:06:30,618 --> 00:06:32,318 Here. 159 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,338 A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford? 160 00:06:35,340 --> 00:06:38,708 Yeah, if we put it on layaway, work hard for a few years. 161 00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:40,593 I'm used to being poor around your stuff, 162 00:06:40,595 --> 00:06:42,929 but not around stuff that I want. 163 00:06:42,931 --> 00:06:45,131 What happened to all your "money's not important" 164 00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:46,299 holiday spirit now? 165 00:06:46,301 --> 00:06:47,967 Max, it feels like you want me 166 00:06:47,969 --> 00:06:49,668 to be depressed about the holidays. 167 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,854 No, no. I'm just saying that it's okay for you 168 00:06:51,856 --> 00:06:53,272 not to be all up and everything around me 169 00:06:53,274 --> 00:06:54,440 if you're not feeling it. 170 00:06:54,442 --> 00:06:56,225 It's all right to let your dark side out. 171 00:06:56,227 --> 00:06:58,611 Come to the dark side. 172 00:06:58,613 --> 00:07:00,363 Oh, my God. 173 00:07:00,365 --> 00:07:02,181 Look, they're hiring elves. 174 00:07:02,183 --> 00:07:03,516 Why would I go to the dark side 175 00:07:03,518 --> 00:07:05,651 when I could go to Santaworld? 176 00:07:05,653 --> 00:07:08,204 Let's go get in line. I've always loved Santaworld. 177 00:07:08,206 --> 00:07:10,356 Me too, as a David Sedaris story, 178 00:07:10,358 --> 00:07:11,824 not as an actual real-life option. 179 00:07:11,826 --> 00:07:13,076 Come on. 180 00:07:13,078 --> 00:07:15,194 If we get hired, we could use our employee discount 181 00:07:15,196 --> 00:07:17,714 to get one of the really good cake mixers. 182 00:07:17,716 --> 00:07:19,832 And then it'd be like it came from Santa! 183 00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:22,701 Come on, Max, we'd be great elves. 184 00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:25,221 I have the holiday spirit. You're great with kids. 185 00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:27,173 And we're both so desperate for money, 186 00:07:27,175 --> 00:07:29,708 we'll wear other people's tights. 187 00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,894 Max, I've been coming to this store at Christmastime 188 00:07:31,896 --> 00:07:33,679 with my father since I was little. 189 00:07:33,681 --> 00:07:36,349 I'd get all dressed up in my fanciest winter coat and hat 190 00:07:36,351 --> 00:07:38,484 and then stand in line to see Santa 191 00:07:38,486 --> 00:07:40,853 with my hands in my muff. 192 00:07:45,859 --> 00:07:49,862 And they didn't throw you out? 193 00:07:49,864 --> 00:07:52,999 There is nothing Christmas-y about this hallway. 194 00:07:53,001 --> 00:07:55,201 It looks like the place Santa sends promiscuous elves 195 00:07:55,203 --> 00:07:58,121 to get the results of their S.T.D. test. 196 00:07:58,123 --> 00:08:00,256 Okay, that's the kind of comment 197 00:08:00,258 --> 00:08:02,208 that almost got us knocked out of the first round. 198 00:08:02,210 --> 00:08:04,127 You're lucky I edited your application. 199 00:08:04,129 --> 00:08:05,545 Why, what was so bad? 200 00:08:05,547 --> 00:08:09,248 You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. 201 00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:10,633 Max, that's not even a thing. 202 00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:13,853 Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator. 203 00:08:13,855 --> 00:08:16,639 Max! 204 00:08:16,641 --> 00:08:20,759 I call it "Santa's big helper." 205 00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:23,362 Please try and get into the holiday spirit. 206 00:08:23,364 --> 00:08:24,730 I know. If we get hired, 207 00:08:24,732 --> 00:08:27,450 we'll go right home and watch Miracle on 34th Sstreet. 208 00:08:27,452 --> 00:08:29,569 It'll be a miracle on 34th Street 209 00:08:29,571 --> 00:08:31,770 if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship 210 00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,990 without elf scurvy. 211 00:08:33,992 --> 00:08:35,658 Hi. 212 00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:39,045 I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. 213 00:08:39,047 --> 00:08:41,214 That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie. 214 00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:42,465 Mine too! 215 00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:44,667 My second favorite is it's a wonderful life. 216 00:08:44,669 --> 00:08:45,918 Mine too! 217 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,954 I've got Schindler's List on Blu-Ray. 218 00:08:51,842 --> 00:08:54,760 - Hi. I'm Mary. - I'm Caroline. 219 00:08:54,762 --> 00:08:56,145 Hi. I'm Mary. 220 00:08:56,147 --> 00:08:58,397 It's cool. We don't need to talk. 221 00:08:58,399 --> 00:09:00,733 That's Max. She's kind of a Grinch about Christmas. 222 00:09:00,735 --> 00:09:02,685 Oh, like my brother Patrick-- 223 00:09:02,687 --> 00:09:05,188 He's always teasing me about loving Christmas. 224 00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:08,324 He calls me "Mary Christmas." 225 00:09:08,326 --> 00:09:10,276 Get it? 226 00:09:10,278 --> 00:09:12,912 It's 'cause my name is Mary. 227 00:09:12,914 --> 00:09:14,647 I can't help it. 228 00:09:14,649 --> 00:09:16,616 It's my favorite time of year. 229 00:09:16,618 --> 00:09:18,534 - Mine too. - Yo. 230 00:09:18,536 --> 00:09:21,170 Disconnect before it's too late. 231 00:09:21,172 --> 00:09:23,539 Don't be so cynical. 232 00:09:23,541 --> 00:09:24,841 Especially Christmas eve. 233 00:09:24,843 --> 00:09:27,159 It's an O'Brien family tradition. 234 00:09:27,161 --> 00:09:28,761 All seven of my sisters and brothers-- 235 00:09:28,763 --> 00:09:31,764 we line up on the staircase in our brand-new Christmas PJs 236 00:09:31,766 --> 00:09:32,932 and have our picture taken. 237 00:09:32,934 --> 00:09:36,269 Bitch is 30. 238 00:09:39,607 --> 00:09:41,674 It's my father. 239 00:09:41,676 --> 00:09:44,176 Hi, daddy. You'll never guess where I am right now-- 240 00:09:44,178 --> 00:09:47,063 applying for a job at Santaworld. 241 00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:49,065 No, it's not depressing at all. 242 00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:53,119 The man's in prison, and he thinks this is depressing. 243 00:09:53,121 --> 00:09:56,038 Oh. Are you sure? 244 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,542 It's really not that far. 245 00:09:59,544 --> 00:10:02,712 Okay. If that's what you want. 246 00:10:02,714 --> 00:10:06,365 Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you. 247 00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:08,301 He thought about it and doesn't want me to come. 248 00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,553 He said he can't face having me see him in there. 249 00:10:10,555 --> 00:10:13,639 - You okay? - Fine. 250 00:10:13,641 --> 00:10:16,041 Quiet, please, people. I have an announcement. 251 00:10:16,043 --> 00:10:19,595 Everyone in this corridor has been chosen to be an elf. 252 00:10:19,597 --> 00:10:20,930 Mazel. 253 00:10:20,932 --> 00:10:23,048 Yay, we're elves. 254 00:10:23,050 --> 00:10:25,818 Report to work at 3:00 A.M. the morning of Black Friday. 255 00:10:27,988 --> 00:10:29,071 Ooh! 256 00:10:29,073 --> 00:10:30,856 This is so exciting! 257 00:10:30,858 --> 00:10:33,326 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪ 258 00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:34,660 Okay, well... 259 00:10:34,662 --> 00:10:36,779 - I'll see you both then. - Okay, Mary. 260 00:10:36,781 --> 00:10:39,248 Great, 3:00 A.M.-- 261 00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:43,336 you, me, and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary. 262 00:10:48,375 --> 00:10:50,509 Good night. Get home safely. 263 00:10:50,511 --> 00:10:54,263 Ooh. Maybe I should not have said that to homeless. 264 00:10:54,265 --> 00:10:55,514 That is it. 265 00:10:55,516 --> 00:10:57,633 2:00 A.M.-- Freebie Thanksgiving dinner 266 00:10:57,635 --> 00:10:59,101 is now officially over. 267 00:10:59,103 --> 00:11:00,602 According to my calculations, 268 00:11:00,604 --> 00:11:02,905 we served over 300 turkey dinners 269 00:11:02,907 --> 00:11:04,807 and only had two knife fights. 270 00:11:04,809 --> 00:11:06,892 Thank you, Caroline. 271 00:11:06,894 --> 00:11:09,278 This experience taught me that rich or poor, 272 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,815 home or homeless, we are all the same. 273 00:11:12,817 --> 00:11:14,700 Wait. Where's my wallet? 274 00:11:14,702 --> 00:11:17,486 They took my wallet, those dirty sons of-- 275 00:11:17,488 --> 00:11:19,955 Oh, here it is. 276 00:11:19,957 --> 00:11:22,958 Yes, we are all the same. 277 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,128 Well, I have two things to say. 278 00:11:26,130 --> 00:11:28,547 First of all, I'm incredibly proud of us 279 00:11:28,549 --> 00:11:30,299 for spreading the spirit of Thanksgiving together. 280 00:11:30,301 --> 00:11:33,785 And secondly, someone left an adult diaper in this booth, 281 00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:36,972 and I am not dealing with that. 282 00:11:38,675 --> 00:11:40,292 What's with the sad face? 283 00:11:40,294 --> 00:11:41,793 You saw the bathroom? 284 00:11:41,795 --> 00:11:44,296 It's just--even though we fed the homeless, 285 00:11:44,298 --> 00:11:46,131 it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without my father. 286 00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:48,317 But you made a lot of people happy here tonight, 287 00:11:48,319 --> 00:11:49,852 and you should feel pretty good about that. 288 00:11:49,854 --> 00:11:52,604 - Yes, I do. - Come on, elf. 289 00:11:52,606 --> 00:11:53,772 We better clear these tables. 290 00:11:53,774 --> 00:11:55,324 We have to be at Santaland in an hour. 291 00:11:55,326 --> 00:11:57,826 Why you have to be there in the middle of the night? 292 00:11:57,828 --> 00:12:00,162 Because it's Black Friday, and the doors open at 5:00 A.M. 293 00:12:00,164 --> 00:12:01,947 Yeah, we want to be there right on time 294 00:12:01,949 --> 00:12:04,583 to see the first person trampled to death by UGGs. 295 00:12:04,585 --> 00:12:06,001 We have to work 296 00:12:06,003 --> 00:12:07,920 all night and then all day tomorrow. 297 00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:11,090 - How are we gonna do this? - I got the answer right here. 298 00:12:11,092 --> 00:12:13,158 Max, I'm not doing cocaine. 299 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,129 If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer. 300 00:12:17,131 --> 00:12:21,166 Nine-hour energy shots, aka elf juice. 301 00:12:21,168 --> 00:12:22,851 I've never done these. Do they work? 302 00:12:22,853 --> 00:12:24,603 Millions of wired-off-their-asses 303 00:12:24,605 --> 00:12:26,355 college students can't be wrong. 304 00:12:26,357 --> 00:12:29,525 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 305 00:12:29,527 --> 00:12:31,510 Did you just drink that whole thing? 306 00:12:31,512 --> 00:12:32,611 Yeah, why? 307 00:12:32,613 --> 00:12:34,613 Nothing. 308 00:12:34,615 --> 00:12:35,847 I'm sure it's not too much. 309 00:12:35,849 --> 00:12:38,450 They suggest sipping it, but... 310 00:12:38,452 --> 00:12:39,535 Who are they? 311 00:12:39,537 --> 00:12:41,036 All right, we'd better go. 312 00:12:41,038 --> 00:12:44,123 We got to go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 313 00:12:44,125 --> 00:12:47,359 Oh, you should've sipped it. 314 00:12:47,361 --> 00:12:48,710 How do I look? 315 00:12:48,712 --> 00:12:52,114 Because I kind of feel like I look like a North Pole dancer. 316 00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:53,882 You actually look cute. You look good in red... 317 00:12:53,884 --> 00:12:55,200 And green-- red and green together. 318 00:12:55,202 --> 00:12:57,035 You can pull off anything. You're so beautiful. 319 00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:59,555 - I don't tell you that enough. - Whoa! 320 00:12:59,557 --> 00:13:01,640 Whoa, slow down, speed racer. 321 00:13:01,642 --> 00:13:03,041 I know. I can't stop talking. 322 00:13:03,043 --> 00:13:04,393 What was in that stuff you gave me? 323 00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:07,479 I don't know. The ingredients are in Spanish. 324 00:13:07,481 --> 00:13:11,383 Well, my corazon is beating muy rapido. 325 00:13:11,385 --> 00:13:13,718 Okay, and why aren't you in your elf costume yet? 326 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,437 Because I was talking to those people over there, 327 00:13:15,439 --> 00:13:17,322 and there's a chance-- a slight chance, but a chance-- 328 00:13:17,324 --> 00:13:19,074 I could get moved to the strolling Christmas carolers. 329 00:13:19,076 --> 00:13:20,993 I overheard their ethnic mix is short a token blond. 330 00:13:20,995 --> 00:13:23,612 And I'm blond, baby! 331 00:13:23,614 --> 00:13:28,233 Forget it. You got me into the underbelly of the elf beast, 332 00:13:28,235 --> 00:13:29,418 and you are not bailing on me. 333 00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:31,703 But those period costumes are so much prettier. 334 00:13:31,705 --> 00:13:32,788 I will knock you from here 335 00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:34,706 to Rudolph's house if you abandon me. 336 00:13:34,708 --> 00:13:36,408 We are in this together. Now go get your bells on. 337 00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:37,876 Okay, I didn't want to tell you this 338 00:13:37,878 --> 00:13:39,962 because it's, well, gross, but the last elf 339 00:13:39,964 --> 00:13:41,847 who had the tights they gave me, well, let's just say 340 00:13:41,849 --> 00:13:45,384 her little lady elf friend visited unexpectedly. 341 00:13:45,386 --> 00:13:49,021 Ew. Talk about a period costume. 342 00:13:49,023 --> 00:13:52,057 You're right. It's disgusting. 343 00:13:52,059 --> 00:13:53,392 I can't do this anymore. 344 00:13:53,394 --> 00:13:55,477 I'm leaving. I don't want to do this anymore. 345 00:13:55,479 --> 00:13:58,197 I feel tired and wired at the same time. 346 00:13:58,199 --> 00:14:01,533 This was an awful, awful, awful, awful, awful idea! 347 00:14:01,535 --> 00:14:02,701 All right, calm down! 348 00:14:02,703 --> 00:14:06,038 Jeez, you're like a Christmas crack monkey. 349 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,207 Look, we are not going anywhere, okay? 350 00:14:08,209 --> 00:14:10,742 You got me all elfed up, and now we need these jobs. 351 00:14:10,744 --> 00:14:12,044 So just go talk to someone 352 00:14:12,046 --> 00:14:13,795 and tell them why you need a new pair of tights. 353 00:14:13,797 --> 00:14:15,797 I can't. It's embarrassing. 354 00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:19,051 Look, either you ask her, or you rip out the crotch 355 00:14:19,053 --> 00:14:22,221 and risk showing six-year-olds your winter wonderland. 356 00:14:22,223 --> 00:14:24,923 Now I'm sad. 357 00:14:24,925 --> 00:14:26,458 You, the one with the dark hair, 358 00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:27,976 - I need you to come with me. - Where? 359 00:14:27,978 --> 00:14:30,179 And is there a drug test involved? 360 00:14:30,181 --> 00:14:33,298 Change of plans. I need for you to be Mrs. Claus. 361 00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:36,101 The other one had to leave-- blamed menopause. 362 00:14:36,103 --> 00:14:37,819 Menopause, please. 363 00:14:37,821 --> 00:14:40,689 I had my uterus yanked out on my lunch hour, 364 00:14:40,691 --> 00:14:43,909 and I was back at my desk by 2:00. 365 00:14:45,028 --> 00:14:46,311 Follow me... 366 00:14:46,313 --> 00:14:49,248 Unless, uh, you don't want that extra $2 an hour. 367 00:14:49,250 --> 00:14:51,700 Oh, no. You are not leaving me here alone 368 00:14:51,702 --> 00:14:53,335 when I'm crashing on elf juice. 369 00:14:53,337 --> 00:14:54,953 If I can't be an old-timey singer, 370 00:14:54,955 --> 00:14:56,205 you can't be Mrs. Claus. 371 00:14:56,207 --> 00:14:58,090 Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you 372 00:14:58,092 --> 00:15:00,158 under the sled, sister. 373 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,160 That extra $2 an hour will bring us closer 374 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:03,512 to the really good mixer. 375 00:15:03,514 --> 00:15:05,847 And the way my life is going, this might be my only chance 376 00:15:05,849 --> 00:15:08,166 to be married to a rich guy. 377 00:15:09,969 --> 00:15:14,273 I'd double-check those tights if I were you. 378 00:15:19,895 --> 00:15:21,763 Ugh. 379 00:15:21,765 --> 00:15:24,766 These tights suck. 380 00:15:24,768 --> 00:15:27,402 Hi. Hi, elf. 381 00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,404 I just got assigned to the front of the line with you. 382 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,639 Oh, crap. 383 00:15:31,641 --> 00:15:33,324 It's me, Mary. 384 00:15:33,326 --> 00:15:36,745 "Mary Christmas." You know, like... 385 00:15:36,747 --> 00:15:39,063 - My brother Patrick always says. - Yeah, you said that. 386 00:15:39,065 --> 00:15:41,950 Look at how cute we look...Jingles! 387 00:15:41,952 --> 00:15:44,703 I just named you Jingles. 388 00:15:44,705 --> 00:15:46,671 Get it? 'Cause of all your bells. 389 00:15:46,673 --> 00:15:48,123 Oh, listen... 390 00:15:48,125 --> 00:15:52,043 Ah, this is my number-one favorite Christmas song. 391 00:15:52,045 --> 00:15:53,795 Ooh! What's your favorite Christmas song? 392 00:15:53,797 --> 00:15:57,915 Silent night. Get it? 'Cause I want you to be silent. 393 00:15:57,917 --> 00:16:00,251 What's the matter with you? 394 00:16:00,253 --> 00:16:03,921 You're acting like an elfhole. 395 00:16:03,923 --> 00:16:07,091 Oh, hello, children! 396 00:16:07,093 --> 00:16:09,194 Who's next to see my husband, Santa? 397 00:16:09,196 --> 00:16:11,146 I am so mad at you right now. 398 00:16:11,148 --> 00:16:12,947 Oh-ho-ho! 399 00:16:12,949 --> 00:16:14,816 Uh, hold on, children. 400 00:16:14,818 --> 00:16:16,934 Mrs. Claus is just having an issue 401 00:16:16,936 --> 00:16:18,570 with one of her elf employees. 402 00:16:18,572 --> 00:16:20,321 What are you doing? What's wrong with you? 403 00:16:20,323 --> 00:16:21,740 You abandon me on Christmas 404 00:16:21,742 --> 00:16:24,626 the day after my father abandons me on Thanksgiving? 405 00:16:24,628 --> 00:16:25,710 You have balls. 406 00:16:25,712 --> 00:16:27,962 Christmas balls... 407 00:16:27,964 --> 00:16:30,081 Like on Santa's tree... 408 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:32,333 Or a Hanukkah bush. 409 00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:34,586 Look, I've got my own problems, okay? 410 00:16:34,588 --> 00:16:36,788 Santa is kind of hands-y. 411 00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:39,340 And you leave me here with this one 412 00:16:39,342 --> 00:16:40,842 when I'm coming down the bad side 413 00:16:40,844 --> 00:16:42,460 of nine-hour energy mountain? 414 00:16:42,462 --> 00:16:44,062 I don't know what's at the bottom, but so far, 415 00:16:44,064 --> 00:16:46,264 not the miracle on 34th Street I was hoping for. 416 00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:48,483 - Well, elf-- - Her name is Jingles. 417 00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:52,237 One more word, Mary, seriously. 418 00:16:52,239 --> 00:16:55,457 Listen, Bipolar Express, 419 00:16:55,459 --> 00:16:57,408 you need to jingle all the way up that mountain, 420 00:16:57,410 --> 00:17:00,578 because all these kids are looking at us. 421 00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:02,997 Hello! 422 00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:05,784 - You got your list for Santa? - Yep. Got it right here. 423 00:17:05,786 --> 00:17:07,769 Well, he's waiting for you, so go right ahead in. 424 00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:10,672 - Yay, let's go! - Hi. 425 00:17:10,674 --> 00:17:13,091 Oh, you look so pretty in your hat and your coat. 426 00:17:13,093 --> 00:17:14,492 Thank you very much. 427 00:17:14,494 --> 00:17:16,761 I used to have a coat like that. 428 00:17:16,763 --> 00:17:21,216 But she gave it to a reindeer because he was very cold. 429 00:17:21,218 --> 00:17:23,601 Oh, you have your list for Santa? 430 00:17:23,603 --> 00:17:24,686 Let's see what you want. 431 00:17:24,688 --> 00:17:27,605 - Ooh, a pretty doll... - Had it. 432 00:17:27,607 --> 00:17:30,341 - An easy-bake oven... - Had it. 433 00:17:30,343 --> 00:17:32,310 - A Barbie dream house. - Oh, had that, too. 434 00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:35,346 Had all those things, and now I have nothing-- 435 00:17:35,348 --> 00:17:38,015 - nothing to stick in my big hole. - Okay. 436 00:17:38,017 --> 00:17:41,402 - Jingles, what are you doing? - Tell them, Max. 437 00:17:41,404 --> 00:17:44,789 No, no. I'm not Max. I'm Mrs. Claus-- 438 00:17:44,791 --> 00:17:48,443 Mrs. Beyonce Claus-- 439 00:17:48,445 --> 00:17:50,328 and I'm married to Santa. 440 00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:52,747 No, tell them what you told me-- 441 00:17:52,749 --> 00:17:55,967 that it's all just stuff we buy to stick in our big holes. 442 00:17:55,969 --> 00:17:58,303 I've been married for 50 years. 443 00:17:58,305 --> 00:18:00,371 I don't even think about holes anymore. 444 00:18:00,373 --> 00:18:03,541 Why is she talking to children about holes? 445 00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:05,376 - I'll get her. - Okay. 446 00:18:05,378 --> 00:18:07,879 - Caroline-- - No, Max, you were right. 447 00:18:07,881 --> 00:18:09,180 They should know the truth. 448 00:18:09,182 --> 00:18:12,100 Mrs. Claus, have a little, uh, elf control. 449 00:18:12,102 --> 00:18:14,519 Jingles, come into my little house. 450 00:18:14,521 --> 00:18:17,305 No, Max. They should know. 451 00:18:17,307 --> 00:18:19,557 There is no miracle on 34th Street, 452 00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:21,359 and it's not such a wonderful life. 453 00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:22,944 If it were, I wouldn't be standing here 454 00:18:22,946 --> 00:18:25,413 in crotchless tights in the middle of Santaland, 455 00:18:25,415 --> 00:18:28,032 with a father in prison, too broke to buy a mixer. 456 00:18:28,034 --> 00:18:29,617 Stop it, you're gonna ruin Christmas. 457 00:18:29,619 --> 00:18:31,819 Christmas is all about money. 458 00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:33,872 If you want stuff from Santa, you got to buy it, 459 00:18:33,874 --> 00:18:37,575 because there is no-- 460 00:18:41,764 --> 00:18:44,632 Merry Christmas! 461 00:18:46,101 --> 00:18:48,603 Get her out of here now. 462 00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:51,723 And you, put your knees together! 463 00:18:55,477 --> 00:18:56,928 I hope I didn't ruin Christmas 464 00:18:56,930 --> 00:18:59,514 - for all those sweet children. - No, you didn't. 465 00:18:59,516 --> 00:19:02,367 All they saw was a crotchless elf freaking out. 466 00:19:02,369 --> 00:19:06,287 But "Mary Christmas" will never recover. 467 00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:09,490 They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks 468 00:19:09,492 --> 00:19:11,993 hung from the chimney with care. 469 00:19:11,995 --> 00:19:14,212 Well, this is all kind of your fault. 470 00:19:14,214 --> 00:19:15,964 You told me to come to the dark side. 471 00:19:15,966 --> 00:19:17,999 I just told you to get in touch with your feelings. 472 00:19:18,001 --> 00:19:20,585 I didn't think you'd turn into Darth Caroline. 473 00:19:20,587 --> 00:19:22,470 Once I went there, I couldn't get back. 474 00:19:22,472 --> 00:19:25,089 Yeah, and chugging that elf juice didn't help. 475 00:19:25,091 --> 00:19:26,290 It wasn't just the drink. 476 00:19:26,292 --> 00:19:28,426 Before those presents came crashing down on me, 477 00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,427 reality did. 478 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,813 I have no money and a father in prison 479 00:19:31,815 --> 00:19:33,848 who didn't even want to see me on Thanksgiving. 480 00:19:33,850 --> 00:19:36,985 Yeah, well, there are a lot of people way worse off than you. 481 00:19:36,987 --> 00:19:38,302 Yes, your father's in prison, 482 00:19:38,304 --> 00:19:41,289 but at least you have one and you know where he is. 483 00:19:41,291 --> 00:19:43,641 And you have a home and a job. 484 00:19:43,643 --> 00:19:47,228 And you have a freaking horse. 485 00:19:48,330 --> 00:19:50,248 So... 486 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:53,651 Happy holidays. It is a wonderful life. 487 00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:56,671 You're right. I am so lucky. 488 00:19:56,673 --> 00:20:00,208 Well, since right now is the closest to the Christmas spirit 489 00:20:00,210 --> 00:20:01,626 we're probably gonna get, 490 00:20:01,628 --> 00:20:04,295 Santa wanted me to give you your Christmas present now. 491 00:20:04,297 --> 00:20:07,098 It's our new mixer. 492 00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,851 We're gonna old-school it. 493 00:20:09,853 --> 00:20:13,221 Aw, you spooned me. 494 00:20:13,223 --> 00:20:15,473 I feel bad. I didn't get you anything. 495 00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:18,443 Max, you got me everything. 496 00:20:18,445 --> 00:20:21,345 Before you, I was living on a subway, and now look... 497 00:20:21,347 --> 00:20:23,564 I'm living near a subway. 498 00:20:23,566 --> 00:20:25,116 So did you buy this? 499 00:20:25,118 --> 00:20:27,235 No, it's from Santa. 500 00:20:27,237 --> 00:20:30,738 Jingles, did you steal this? 501 00:20:30,740 --> 00:20:32,607 Yeah. 502 00:20:32,609 --> 00:20:34,876 I grabbed it when they were throwing us out. 503 00:20:34,878 --> 00:20:36,377 Wow, Caroline Channing. 504 00:20:36,379 --> 00:20:38,529 You keep this up, and you won't have to ask permission 505 00:20:38,531 --> 00:20:40,748 to visit your father in prison. 506 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:43,084 But I did give $2 of our cupcake-fund money 507 00:20:43,086 --> 00:20:44,869 to the Salvation Army Santa. 508 00:20:44,871 --> 00:20:48,222 So God bless us, everyone! It's a wonderful life! 509 00:20:48,224 --> 00:20:51,509 It's times like this I really miss Darth Caroline.