1
00:00:03,358 --> 00:00:07,361
Pick up. Table ten, table 12, table 69.
2
00:00:07,362 --> 00:00:09,863
Oleg, there is no table 69.
3
00:00:09,864 --> 00:00:13,201
There could be.
4
00:00:13,202 --> 00:00:14,702
Oleg just sixty-nined me,
5
00:00:14,703 --> 00:00:17,638
and now I don't remember
any of the table numbers.
6
00:00:17,639 --> 00:00:19,373
Look, he's never gonna
stop sixty-nining us.
7
00:00:19,374 --> 00:00:20,508
Forget the table numbers.
8
00:00:20,509 --> 00:00:21,975
Here's how you remember your orders.
9
00:00:21,976 --> 00:00:23,277
You just give people nicknames.
10
00:00:23,278 --> 00:00:25,413
Look, I got thin cee lo,
11
00:00:25,414 --> 00:00:29,250
fat rihanna, jon beret ramsey,
12
00:00:29,251 --> 00:00:31,686
and kristen bad wig.
13
00:00:31,687 --> 00:00:33,053
Oh, okay.
14
00:00:33,054 --> 00:00:34,455
I got seth rogaine,
15
00:00:34,456 --> 00:00:35,923
child molester moustache,
16
00:00:35,924 --> 00:00:38,726
and lesbian justin bieber.
17
00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:41,262
- Good.
- Thanks.
18
00:00:41,263 --> 00:00:43,864
Pick up. Table six.
19
00:00:43,865 --> 00:00:46,667
...ty-nine.
20
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:00,626
So can I get you anything else?
21
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,996
Coffee? Dessert? Morning-after pill?
22
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,766
Okay.
23
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:09,234
Getting it on in a restaurant.
24
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:12,404
I once made love to a
young angela lansbury
25
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,841
in a booth just like that.
26
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,008
Murder she wrote?
27
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:19,846
more like "harder she begged."
28
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,881
Earl, why isn't everyone you?
29
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,583
Yo, what's up, mama?
30
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,684
Oh, hey, johnny.
31
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,352
Usual? Two coffees to go?
32
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,253
Yeah, and can I get
two of your cupcakes?
33
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:30,222
Which two?
34
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:31,724
You know which two.
35
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,926
The discounted day-olds?
36
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,795
Yeah, girl.
37
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:37,763
Hey, my bro and friend.
38
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,699
Hey, what's up, big guy?
39
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,240
Max, your boyfriend is here.
40
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:53,479
'cause who doesn't?
41
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,948
Well, your face gets
red when you see him,
42
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:59,251
and you suddenly act like nice person.
43
00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:02,922
If that's not love,
I don't know what is.
44
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,690
He doesn't know what love is.
45
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,926
The only thing he ever
loved was a stepladder.
46
00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:13,465
Johnny, here's your stale
cake and burnt coffee.
47
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,535
Just how I like it.
What do I owe you?
48
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:16,536
It's on me.
49
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:22,241
You wish it was on you.
50
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,243
There's nothing going on.
51
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:25,678
He just comes in here to get coffee
52
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,346
because he tags billboards all night.
53
00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:30,650
Methinks the lady
doth protest too much.
54
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,718
Listen, renaissance fair,
55
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,621
why don't you be a good wench
and clean up your counter?
56
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,260
Until the cupcake business takes off,
57
00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:43,563
i'm just gonna have to
find a temp job online.
58
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:46,999
Can I close this window that says
"mexican painkillers"?
59
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,402
Yeah, yeah, but, uh,
bookmark it first.
60
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:53,372
Here we are. Craigslist. Okay.
61
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:54,840
How does this job sound?
62
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,676
Disgusting and depraved.
63
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,310
You didn't even hear it yet.
64
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,113
Did I not hear "craigslist"?
65
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,449
Oh. Here's something easy I could do.
66
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,751
A professional organizer.
67
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,019
You're not a professional organizer.
68
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,588
You're barely a professional waitress.
69
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,556
I am a genius at organizing things
70
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:11,958
and getting them out of the way.
71
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,927
I recently lost all my money and
the promise of a bright future,
72
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,862
and I've organized that
into a file in my head
73
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,865
labeled "do not open
until you are stronger."
74
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,233
If I can handle that for myself,
75
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,970
I can certainly handle a
stranger's light filing.
76
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,304
If I had known all that craziness
77
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:26,538
was going on in your head,
78
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,574
I would have ordered you
some mexican pain killers.
79
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:30,242
Or the peruvian.
80
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:31,644
They're stronger,
81
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:36,115
but sometimes they make you
lose control of your hands.
82
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,985
Thought that was an ibuprofen.
83
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,122
What is johnny doing
here at 3:00 a. M.?
84
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:46,158
Thought it was a rapist or something.
85
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:50,596
Rapists don't knock and wave.
86
00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:53,099
And if they looked like that,
we wouldn't call them rapists.
87
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,002
We'd call them... Johnny!
88
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,737
What are you doing here?
89
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,505
I'm here to talk to you guys
90
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,174
about the church of latter day saints.
91
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:04,877
And I have to pee.
Can I use your bathroom?
92
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:09,115
No problem. Don't forget to
tip the bathroom attendant.
93
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,349
What's up, caroline?
94
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:11,884
Just trying to find a day job
95
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,353
where I won't get
handcuffed to a radiator.
96
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:17,690
On craigslist?
97
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,894
This is so romantic.
98
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,663
Jumping over the back wall
99
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,965
to drop down and see you
in the middle of the night?
100
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,633
It's very romeo and juliet.
101
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,268
it is very romeo and juliet.
102
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,805
He has to pee,
and I'm the nearest toilet.
103
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,907
Please. That's just an excuse.
104
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:37,143
The man defaces buildings. And what?
105
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:38,544
He draws the line at peeing on them?
106
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,146
He came by here to see you.
107
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,548
Pull your hair back.
It's kind of in your face.
108
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:46,018
Pull yourself back.
You're kind of in my face.
109
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,953
Thanks, guys.
110
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,855
I was tagging a building nearby,
111
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:50,956
and while I was on the roof
112
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,124
I saw that your light was on,
113
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,993
so I thought I'd stop in and say hey.
114
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,460
- Hey.
- So, johnny,
115
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,963
you just saw our light
on from the roof nearby?
116
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,264
Interesting.
117
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,500
Do you always look down
when you're up that high?
118
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:02,501
Not really.
119
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,369
Interesting.
120
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,809
Flying solo tonight.
My lookout guy went into rehab.
121
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,043
It's kind of a pain.
122
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,611
It's really a two-person operation.
123
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:13,879
Ugh, such a bummer when people
124
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,916
can't handle their heroin.
125
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:20,152
Hey, max, what are you doing
tomorrow night after work?
126
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,887
Any desire to be my lookout guy?
127
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,256
I might have some desire
to be your lookout guy,
128
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,592
but as far as the "guy"
part of "lookout guy" goes,
129
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:27,593
full disclosure-
130
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:28,861
What, you don't have a penis?
131
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,363
Oh, I have one.
132
00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:33,632
In a drawer in my bedroom.
133
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,139
If the cops come tomorrow,
134
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:42,074
I will run like a girl.
135
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,543
Okay. So pick you up
at the diner at 2:00?
136
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,245
- Cool.
- Cool.
137
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,247
Cool.
138
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,452
And then romeo left.
139
00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:56,488
So romantic. All the weeks
of flirting and game playing
140
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:57,923
have finally led to this-
141
00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:00,025
You two on a late-night roof rendezvous.
142
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,794
Hey, genius organizer,
143
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,329
why don't you put all that
garbage in a file labeled
144
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:07,499
"I've seen too many
katherine heigl movies"?
145
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,102
I'm just saying, he likes you.
146
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:13,806
He likes you with his penis.
147
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,445
There. 3f.
148
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,981
All right. You're here.
149
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,015
Goodbye. Go organize.
150
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,616
No, I said you have to wait
151
00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,585
until I open the door and
check out if it's safe.
152
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,754
It's my day off.
You're the one with the job.
153
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,522
And you're the one who
freaked me out so much
154
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,258
about going into
a stranger's apartment.
155
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,859
What did I say that was so bad?
156
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,627
You told me he'd cut off my face
157
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,963
and wear it as a party hat.
158
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:41,033
I said... "probably."
159
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,435
Probably cut off your face.
160
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,637
Nothing bad is gonna
happen to you, okay?
161
00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:47,306
Okay.
162
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,108
It's a safe-enough
looking building, right?
163
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,309
Yes.
164
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,411
Look, they have those
hallway trash chutes.
165
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:56,148
That's probably how he'll get
rid of your faceless body!
166
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,050
You're right. I'm fine. Go.
167
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:01,353
Caroline's second job. So proud.
168
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,289
Call me if you freak out or anything.
169
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:06,025
How am I gonna call you
without a face?
170
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:09,361
I'm fine. I'm not gonna call you.
171
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:14,366
Hello, it's caroline,
the professional organizer.
172
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:22,908
Hello?
Someone called for an organizer?
173
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:28,314
Hello?
174
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,850
Oh, no. Oh, hell no.
175
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,784
Max, come back!
176
00:07:38,154 --> 00:07:39,387
Hurry up. This is so exciting!
177
00:07:39,388 --> 00:07:40,488
What are you talking about?
178
00:07:40,489 --> 00:07:41,556
I'm not going back in there.
179
00:07:41,557 --> 00:07:42,991
He's a hoarder. A hoarder.
180
00:07:42,992 --> 00:07:44,226
It's a bad reality show.
181
00:07:44,227 --> 00:07:46,561
Hey, that is a great reality show.
182
00:07:46,562 --> 00:07:48,563
but it's not good reality reality.
183
00:07:48,564 --> 00:07:50,265
The only thing I
love more than hoarders
184
00:07:50,266 --> 00:07:54,336
are people who are too
fat to fit through doors.
185
00:07:54,337 --> 00:07:56,338
Tell me the hoarder has
to grease his sides
186
00:07:56,339 --> 00:07:57,539
to get through the door.
187
00:07:57,540 --> 00:08:02,110
You won't have to get
me a birthday present.
188
00:08:02,111 --> 00:08:05,680
Are you kidding me?
189
00:08:05,681 --> 00:08:09,451
They should charge admission for this.
190
00:08:09,452 --> 00:08:13,288
It's hoarders 3d- The experience.
191
00:08:13,289 --> 00:08:15,423
It's like going to an imax.
192
00:08:15,424 --> 00:08:16,791
It's my max!
193
00:08:16,792 --> 00:08:18,927
ooh!
194
00:08:18,928 --> 00:08:22,064
Save yourself. Go on without me.
195
00:08:22,065 --> 00:08:23,065
Oh, god.
196
00:08:23,066 --> 00:08:25,267
What is that pile over there?
197
00:08:25,268 --> 00:08:27,135
It's hard to tell what is what.
198
00:08:27,136 --> 00:08:29,537
It's either a- An old shag carpet
199
00:08:29,538 --> 00:08:32,074
or a mass grave of dead muppets.
200
00:08:32,075 --> 00:08:33,608
No way. Let's get out of here.
201
00:08:33,609 --> 00:08:35,710
We still have our faces.
Why would we leave?
202
00:08:35,711 --> 00:08:38,213
And besides, you need this money.
203
00:08:38,214 --> 00:08:39,381
Look around.
204
00:08:39,382 --> 00:08:40,883
There might be stuff
here they don't want
205
00:08:40,884 --> 00:08:42,150
that we can sell on ebay.
206
00:08:42,151 --> 00:08:44,586
Look. You know someone's
gonna want a fish tank
207
00:08:44,587 --> 00:08:46,255
full of doll heads.
208
00:08:46,256 --> 00:08:49,958
Yeah, someone with a fish
tank full of doll bodies.
209
00:08:49,959 --> 00:08:52,861
Last year I owned a yacht
named the caroliner,
210
00:08:52,862 --> 00:08:55,463
and now I'm considering
selling doll heads on ebay.
211
00:08:55,464 --> 00:08:57,766
I'll be organizing that
thought in a file in my head
212
00:08:57,767 --> 00:09:00,235
labeled "don't open ever."
213
00:09:00,236 --> 00:09:01,603
Okay.
214
00:09:01,604 --> 00:09:05,173
There's a heavy clown
presence in this room.
215
00:09:05,174 --> 00:09:08,877
It's unsettling,
and I'm obsessed with it.
216
00:09:08,878 --> 00:09:12,547
I want both more and less of the clowns.
217
00:09:12,548 --> 00:09:15,083
Um, hello? Anyone here?
218
00:09:15,084 --> 00:09:17,886
Oh, hey, i'm over here.
219
00:09:17,887 --> 00:09:19,687
I'm sorry. Where?
220
00:09:19,688 --> 00:09:21,123
By the papers.
221
00:09:21,124 --> 00:09:22,824
Which papers?
222
00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:24,759
The papers near the papers.
223
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:29,298
Oh, my god. I love this!
224
00:09:29,299 --> 00:09:33,168
Um, hi. Caroline? We spoke yesterday.
225
00:09:33,169 --> 00:09:34,669
There's a lot more to organize here
226
00:09:34,670 --> 00:09:36,204
than you led me to believe on the phone,
227
00:09:36,205 --> 00:09:38,273
so we're gonna have to
renegotiate our price.
228
00:09:38,274 --> 00:09:40,342
It's not that bad.
229
00:09:40,343 --> 00:09:41,977
Not that bad?
230
00:09:41,978 --> 00:09:43,946
I was hired to organized some papers,
231
00:09:43,947 --> 00:09:46,614
not clean up katrina.
232
00:09:46,615 --> 00:09:48,116
What's he look like?
233
00:09:48,117 --> 00:09:51,119
Please tell me he needs to
be buried in a piano box.
234
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,322
I don't know. I can't
see him through the truck.
235
00:09:53,323 --> 00:09:56,325
It's an rv, and it's a collectible.
236
00:09:56,326 --> 00:10:00,095
It's where I keep my raisins.
237
00:10:00,096 --> 00:10:02,897
So how much more, then?
238
00:10:02,898 --> 00:10:05,800
Um, a hundred a day. For both of us.
239
00:10:05,801 --> 00:10:08,703
And we get to keep the horse
head made out of soda cans.
240
00:10:08,704 --> 00:10:10,038
Why would we want that?
241
00:10:10,039 --> 00:10:11,440
We don't. It's for chestnut.
242
00:10:11,441 --> 00:10:13,808
Every horse wants a
friend made out of cans.
243
00:10:13,809 --> 00:10:15,543
You got a deal.
244
00:10:15,544 --> 00:10:18,680
Okay. We'll get to work then.
245
00:10:18,681 --> 00:10:21,283
Okay. Let's not get overwhelmed.
246
00:10:21,284 --> 00:10:23,385
We'll take it one step at a time.
247
00:10:23,386 --> 00:10:25,120
Let's start small.
248
00:10:36,532 --> 00:10:39,167
Happy birthday to me.
249
00:10:46,575 --> 00:10:50,012
Whoo, max. Well, look at you.
250
00:10:50,013 --> 00:10:52,580
Starting the night at
the end of the night.
251
00:10:52,581 --> 00:10:54,483
This is the first time I've seen you
252
00:10:54,484 --> 00:10:57,119
out of the prison uniform.
253
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,853
You look beautiful.
254
00:10:58,854 --> 00:11:01,223
Oh, earl, let's get married.
255
00:11:04,193 --> 00:11:06,628
What are you staring at?
It's just clothes.
256
00:11:06,629 --> 00:11:08,630
Max, you look like a lady.
257
00:11:08,631 --> 00:11:10,732
Tonight when I dream
of having sex with you,
258
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:15,770
as always, this time I
will ask you to stay.
259
00:11:15,771 --> 00:11:18,373
Max, you look perfect for your date.
260
00:11:18,374 --> 00:11:20,575
- It's not a date.
- It is.
261
00:11:20,576 --> 00:11:22,677
No, it's not.
262
00:11:22,678 --> 00:11:26,214
It's booty call.
263
00:11:26,215 --> 00:11:28,616
There is a fresh, white billboard.
264
00:11:28,617 --> 00:11:29,817
I'm climbing it with my friend,
265
00:11:29,818 --> 00:11:31,086
and we're putting up his artwork.
266
00:11:31,087 --> 00:11:33,121
Booty call on billboard.
267
00:11:33,122 --> 00:11:34,956
If it's after 2:30,
268
00:11:34,957 --> 00:11:37,725
call is for the dirty.
269
00:11:37,726 --> 00:11:39,094
What's that from?
270
00:11:39,095 --> 00:11:43,298
Dr. Seuss' "oh,
the places you'll put it in"?
271
00:11:43,299 --> 00:11:44,433
Okay, boys, break it up.
272
00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:46,034
Go about your business.
Nothing to see.
273
00:11:46,035 --> 00:11:48,437
Max.
274
00:11:48,438 --> 00:11:51,639
Max and johnny's first date.
So proud.
275
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,007
It's not a date.
276
00:11:53,008 --> 00:11:56,178
Be home at 11:00... a.m.
277
00:11:56,179 --> 00:11:59,981
Uh, max, you got protection?
278
00:11:59,982 --> 00:12:01,450
No, I've got it.
279
00:12:01,451 --> 00:12:04,519
Me too.
280
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,790
Oh, sorry. That is pack of gum.
281
00:12:17,166 --> 00:12:19,201
Can we take these masks off now?
282
00:12:19,202 --> 00:12:23,438
Whoo. It is hot up in that bunny.
283
00:12:23,439 --> 00:12:24,772
Are we wearing these
284
00:12:24,773 --> 00:12:26,174
so no one'll be able to
pick us out of a lineup?
285
00:12:26,175 --> 00:12:28,009
Yeah, that.
286
00:12:28,010 --> 00:12:30,845
And I always wanted to
see a rat with big boobs.
287
00:12:30,846 --> 00:12:34,549
Well, here he is.
288
00:12:34,550 --> 00:12:39,087
All right. Now for the most
crucial part of the art process,
289
00:12:39,088 --> 00:12:40,455
beer break.
290
00:12:40,456 --> 00:12:41,823
That makes sense.
291
00:12:41,824 --> 00:12:43,758
Been here four minutes.
292
00:12:43,759 --> 00:12:47,229
Hmm.
293
00:12:47,230 --> 00:12:50,565
Ooh. Gentleman.
294
00:12:50,566 --> 00:12:53,868
Look over there.
You can see manhattan.
295
00:12:53,869 --> 00:12:55,303
Oh, yeah.
296
00:12:55,304 --> 00:12:57,672
She's a bitch.
297
00:12:57,673 --> 00:12:59,608
Always shoving her stuff in your face.
298
00:12:59,609 --> 00:13:01,042
You can never have it.
299
00:13:01,043 --> 00:13:02,177
Yeah.
300
00:13:02,178 --> 00:13:03,945
I'd never want to live in manhattan.
301
00:13:03,946 --> 00:13:08,483
- 'Cause you can't afford it?
- Yeah.
302
00:13:08,484 --> 00:13:11,853
She is beautiful, though.
303
00:13:11,854 --> 00:13:13,888
Yeah, she is.
304
00:13:17,893 --> 00:13:20,061
Well, we should get back to work.
305
00:13:20,062 --> 00:13:21,963
Bunny's gotta hop.
306
00:13:33,675 --> 00:13:35,342
How many more times
do you need to hear it?
307
00:13:35,343 --> 00:13:36,376
He didn't kiss me.
308
00:13:36,377 --> 00:13:37,912
Maybe it wasn't the right time.
309
00:13:37,913 --> 00:13:40,114
Overlooking the new york skyline,
310
00:13:40,115 --> 00:13:42,149
a hundred feet in the air,
bathed in moonlight?
311
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:43,718
Yeah, that's a crappy time.
312
00:13:43,719 --> 00:13:45,219
Maybe he didn't want to make a move
313
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:46,620
because he doesn't know you like him.
314
00:13:46,621 --> 00:13:49,289
I leaned in. I leaned for a kiss.
315
00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:51,425
Maybe you had a breath situation.
316
00:13:51,426 --> 00:13:52,693
What did you eat? What had you eaten?
317
00:13:52,694 --> 00:13:54,294
Nothing.
318
00:13:54,295 --> 00:13:56,330
Okay, but sometimes when
you don't eat, it's worse,
319
00:13:56,331 --> 00:13:58,032
because you start to
grind up your feelings.
320
00:13:58,033 --> 00:14:00,267
Then you get stomach breath.
321
00:14:00,268 --> 00:14:03,070
I wouldn't kiss ryan gosling
with stomach breath.
322
00:14:03,071 --> 00:14:06,040
- Yes, you would.
- Yes, I would.
323
00:14:06,041 --> 00:14:08,943
I'm finally making
progress on the papers.
324
00:14:08,944 --> 00:14:13,047
Oh, no, fdr died of polio.
325
00:14:13,048 --> 00:14:17,684
Oh, look. They cured polio.
326
00:14:17,685 --> 00:14:22,522
Jackpot. This place is
a freakin' cat factory.
327
00:14:22,523 --> 00:14:26,493
And they're alive. How refreshing.
328
00:14:26,494 --> 00:14:29,230
There's, like, 45 kittens in this box,
329
00:14:29,231 --> 00:14:32,233
and I think one of these
kittens just had kittens.
330
00:14:32,234 --> 00:14:35,302
Kittens having kittens.
331
00:14:35,303 --> 00:14:37,104
Hey, douglas, we found some kittens.
332
00:14:37,105 --> 00:14:39,473
Those are not my kittens.
333
00:14:39,474 --> 00:14:43,244
Okay. What about this mountain
of butterfinger wrappers?
334
00:14:43,245 --> 00:14:45,045
those are my wrappers.
335
00:14:45,046 --> 00:14:46,680
I need those.
336
00:14:46,681 --> 00:14:50,117
I haven't even seen him yet.
I love this show.
337
00:14:50,118 --> 00:14:51,852
Douglas, if you're comfortable
338
00:14:51,853 --> 00:14:54,521
with me selling all this
sort-of-valuable stuff on ebay,
339
00:14:54,522 --> 00:14:57,524
why do you need to keep a box
full of butterfinger wrappers?
340
00:14:57,525 --> 00:15:00,194
I don't want to think about it!
341
00:15:00,195 --> 00:15:02,096
See, max?
342
00:15:02,097 --> 00:15:04,464
This is what happens when you
don't deal with your feelings.
343
00:15:04,465 --> 00:15:06,600
You start collecting
butterfinger wrappers,
344
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,535
and next thing you know you're
an old lady in a rest home,
345
00:15:08,536 --> 00:15:10,470
and you're thinking
"why didn't he kiss me?"
346
00:15:10,471 --> 00:15:13,607
why didn't he kiss me?
347
00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:15,810
I don't know.
348
00:15:15,811 --> 00:15:17,577
Why didn't you kiss him?
349
00:15:17,578 --> 00:15:19,713
You obviously like him, right?
350
00:15:19,714 --> 00:15:22,149
Max, stop hoarding your feelings.
351
00:15:22,150 --> 00:15:23,818
Just admit that you like him.
352
00:15:23,819 --> 00:15:25,352
I like him.
353
00:15:25,353 --> 00:15:26,586
Okay, good.
354
00:15:26,587 --> 00:15:28,622
There's one box of
butterfinger wrappers gone.
355
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:31,325
What?
356
00:15:31,326 --> 00:15:34,161
Douglas, it's a metaphor.
357
00:15:34,162 --> 00:15:36,997
So next time you see him,
why don't you just kiss him?
358
00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:38,966
I don't know if I can kiss him first.
359
00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:43,304
Just kiss him already!
360
00:15:43,305 --> 00:15:46,173
Wait, there's another person in here?
361
00:15:46,174 --> 00:15:47,308
Butt out, ma.
362
00:15:47,309 --> 00:15:50,211
Those are my kittens, young lady.
363
00:15:50,212 --> 00:15:53,013
Hold up. He's hoarding
another hoarder in here?
364
00:15:53,014 --> 00:15:55,850
Awesome.
365
00:16:00,621 --> 00:16:01,722
I can't believe you put
366
00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:03,924
the platypus foot rest in the trash.
367
00:16:03,925 --> 00:16:06,727
On ebay we could get at least
three to six dollars for it.
368
00:16:06,728 --> 00:16:08,362
I'm gonna tell you this one more time.
369
00:16:08,363 --> 00:16:11,798
It's a opossum, and it died at
least three to six years ago.
370
00:16:11,799 --> 00:16:14,201
Oh, my god. There's johnny.
371
00:16:14,202 --> 00:16:17,204
This is a katherine heigl movie.
372
00:16:17,205 --> 00:16:23,177
What are you guys doing
in this neighborhood?
373
00:16:23,178 --> 00:16:25,346
Oh, hello. Sorry to interrupt you,
374
00:16:25,347 --> 00:16:27,114
but what the hell's going on here?
375
00:16:27,115 --> 00:16:29,216
This is, uh...
376
00:16:29,217 --> 00:16:30,817
I'm cassandra, his girlfriend.
377
00:16:30,818 --> 00:16:33,187
Who are you?
378
00:16:37,192 --> 00:16:42,763
I'm max, and, um,
that's how I say hi to everyone.
379
00:16:42,764 --> 00:16:45,532
I'm incredibly friendly.
380
00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:48,769
She's so friendly.
381
00:16:51,873 --> 00:16:53,207
Here's table ten, earl.
382
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,909
Are you okay, max?
383
00:16:54,910 --> 00:16:57,077
Rumor has it that you
had your heart broken.
384
00:16:57,078 --> 00:16:58,745
I didn't have my heart broken.
385
00:16:58,746 --> 00:17:01,982
And that's why I
don't listen to rumors.
386
00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:05,085
Max, I want to announce
I have ended my bromance
387
00:17:05,086 --> 00:17:06,820
with your boyfriend, johnny.
388
00:17:06,821 --> 00:17:09,823
I hate the player as well as the game.
389
00:17:09,824 --> 00:17:13,027
Never was my boyfriend.
390
00:17:14,195 --> 00:17:18,265
I would like to offer
myself for rebound sex.
391
00:17:18,266 --> 00:17:21,135
Or, if not, I can just
beat the crap out of him.
392
00:17:24,105 --> 00:17:26,407
Caroline, did you
have to tell everyone?
393
00:17:26,408 --> 00:17:29,043
I'm sorry, but I'm not
keeping that up in my head.
394
00:17:29,044 --> 00:17:31,111
I'm not going butterfingers.
395
00:17:34,316 --> 00:17:36,951
I can't believe he has a girlfriend.
396
00:17:36,952 --> 00:17:38,118
Are you happy now?
397
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:39,519
You got me to admit that I like him,
398
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,720
and then you got me to kiss him.
399
00:17:40,721 --> 00:17:42,489
And then I kissed his
beautiful girlfriend,
400
00:17:42,490 --> 00:17:43,958
who is black and british,
401
00:17:43,959 --> 00:17:47,261
the two cool things I can never be.
402
00:17:47,262 --> 00:17:49,330
I'm sorry, but he led you on.
403
00:17:49,331 --> 00:17:50,530
Oh, did he?
404
00:17:50,531 --> 00:17:52,799
I think you and douglas'
mother led me on.
405
00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:56,636
This is not my fault.
406
00:17:56,637 --> 00:17:58,538
He's the one who's hoarding women.
407
00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:03,777
Hi.
408
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:07,714
Yeah, you must be to come back in here.
409
00:18:07,715 --> 00:18:09,783
Can we talk?
410
00:18:09,784 --> 00:18:10,884
Pick up, max.
411
00:18:10,885 --> 00:18:11,885
Table three, table nine.
412
00:18:11,886 --> 00:18:14,754
Table 69.
413
00:18:14,755 --> 00:18:17,124
Not a good time.
414
00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,093
- Max, look...
- Johnny, stop.
415
00:18:19,094 --> 00:18:20,494
You don't need to "max, look" me.
416
00:18:20,495 --> 00:18:22,629
It's cool. You never led me on.
417
00:18:22,630 --> 00:18:24,365
You never put your hands on me.
418
00:18:24,366 --> 00:18:26,933
You never even kissed me.
419
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:28,369
Food!
420
00:18:28,370 --> 00:18:30,837
Hey, better make sure he
doesn't have a girlfriend
421
00:18:30,838 --> 00:18:34,674
who's beautiful, black, and british.
422
00:18:34,675 --> 00:18:36,810
Max, look, I wanted to kiss you.
423
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:37,978
I want to kiss you.
424
00:18:37,979 --> 00:18:39,546
I just didn't want to
be the guy who did it
425
00:18:39,547 --> 00:18:41,248
when he's with someone else.
426
00:18:41,249 --> 00:18:43,583
Look, max, I didn't know you
were gonna come into my life.
427
00:18:43,584 --> 00:18:45,652
I didn't know I was gonna
have these feelings for you,
428
00:18:45,653 --> 00:18:48,088
but all of a sudden it's "max"
all the time in my head.
429
00:18:48,089 --> 00:18:51,892
Cassandra and I have or-or had something,
430
00:18:51,893 --> 00:18:54,395
and there is or was love there,
431
00:18:54,396 --> 00:18:57,531
and-and I don't know
what I'm supposed to do
432
00:18:57,532 --> 00:18:58,865
with all my feelings for you.
433
00:18:58,866 --> 00:19:01,201
Johnny, I just spent two days
434
00:19:01,202 --> 00:19:02,869
wading through someone else's garbage,
435
00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:05,672
and, quite frankly,
I don't have the time or the energy
436
00:19:05,673 --> 00:19:07,841
to go through all the
clowns and candy wrappers
437
00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:10,044
you've got going on up in there.
438
00:19:10,045 --> 00:19:11,878
And the next time you invite someone
439
00:19:11,879 --> 00:19:13,280
to a booty call on a billboard...
440
00:19:13,281 --> 00:19:14,781
It wasn't a booty call.
441
00:19:14,782 --> 00:19:16,083
I think everyone knows
442
00:19:16,084 --> 00:19:20,087
if it's after 2:30,
the call is for the dirty.
443
00:19:20,088 --> 00:19:23,023
And p.s., we've known
each other six months,
444
00:19:23,024 --> 00:19:25,259
and you never told me
you had a girlfriend.
445
00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:29,363
You should have worn the rat mask.
446
00:19:29,364 --> 00:19:31,798
And that's all she wrote.
447
00:19:39,541 --> 00:19:41,475
Silver lining time?
448
00:19:41,476 --> 00:19:42,576
We didn't have to change
449
00:19:42,577 --> 00:19:44,644
douglas and his mother's diapers?
450
00:19:44,645 --> 00:19:46,813
We made $240 for the cupcake business
451
00:19:46,814 --> 00:19:48,915
selling all that crap on ebay.
452
00:19:48,916 --> 00:19:52,953
Yup. I made some money,
and all I lost was my mind.
453
00:19:52,954 --> 00:19:54,888
Want to hear something
you don't want to hear?
454
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:57,824
I think what johnny said
to you was beautiful.
455
00:19:57,825 --> 00:20:00,927
You think a squirrel holding
an acorn is beautiful.
456
00:20:00,928 --> 00:20:02,162
He didn't touch you or kiss you
457
00:20:02,163 --> 00:20:03,930
because he didn't want
to start a relationship
458
00:20:03,931 --> 00:20:04,931
with you out of a lie.
459
00:20:04,932 --> 00:20:06,500
You know what? You're right.
460
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:07,901
You've been right all along.
461
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:09,303
It is like romeo and juliet.
462
00:20:09,304 --> 00:20:12,473
And now I'm gonna go
home and kill myself.
463
00:20:12,474 --> 00:20:14,774
I don't think romance
is in the cards for me.
464
00:20:14,775 --> 00:20:17,611
I give guys blue balls,
not broken hearts.
465
00:20:17,612 --> 00:20:20,514
Oh, my god. Don't kill
yourself yet, juliet.
466
00:20:20,515 --> 00:20:23,984
I definitely think
romance is in your cards.
467
00:20:23,985 --> 00:20:25,785
That's not me.
468
00:20:25,786 --> 00:20:27,921
That's not his girlfriend.
469
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:30,824
Come on, will you at least
admit that that's you
470
00:20:30,825 --> 00:20:32,459
and that he put it up there
because he wanted you to see it?
471
00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:34,961
And that's actually incredibly romantic.
472
00:20:34,962 --> 00:20:37,131
Oh, yeah. That's the
most romantic picture
473
00:20:37,132 --> 00:20:38,632
of a guy who might be kissing someone
474
00:20:38,633 --> 00:20:39,966
who might look like me,
475
00:20:39,967 --> 00:20:42,436
but he didn't because he has
a hot british girlfriend
476
00:20:42,437 --> 00:20:43,637
who seems like kind of a bitch,
477
00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:45,839
but is kind of cooler
than I will ever be.
478
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,642
I dare you to organize that thought.
479
00:20:48,643 --> 00:20:51,044
There's no one cooler than you.
480
00:20:51,045 --> 00:20:53,147
You're 200 feet tall.
481
00:20:53,148 --> 00:20:56,216
Yeah, and a bird
just took a crap on me.
482
00:20:56,217 --> 00:20:58,318
Come on.
483
00:21:00,855 --> 00:21:03,657
Come on.