1 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,354 MATEO: Next. 2 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,630 Two pieces of chicken and two burgers, love. 3 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,990 No more chicken. Just burgers. 4 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,874 - Okay, two burgers then. - You? 5 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,873 Two of your finest mystery meat burgers, please, gar�on. 6 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,236 Ooh. Just in the nick of. 7 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:55,119 Actually, can you make it four burgers if you've got no chicken? 8 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,990 Okay. Sorry. No burgers. 9 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,553 Excuse me, I think you'll find those two are my burgers. 10 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,671 - She's having four. - The lady you referred to ordered two, 11 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,189 - then I ordered two. - I'm having four. 12 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,515 Sorry. No burgers. 13 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,756 Now, look, she changed her mind after I placed my order 14 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,111 - for the two remaining... - Oh, shut up, whining fatty. 15 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,193 I'm in front of you, and I've ordered the last four burgers. 16 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,640 I'm sorry, what did you call me? 17 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,592 - She called you "fatty". - I was asking her! 18 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,597 I called you "fatty". 19 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,829 Have you got a problem with that? 20 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,519 Fancy having lovely brown hair and dying your roots grey! 21 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,918 How's it going? 22 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,271 Yeah. Can't complain. 23 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,355 - Bottle of beer, please. - Hey, Geoff, how are you? 24 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,477 Late night last night? 25 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,556 26 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,757 Really early one actually. 27 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,279 Really early. 28 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,196 Geoff had a big date last night. 29 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,879 I didn't have a date. 30 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,276 Last night in the old town. 31 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,593 Lovely romantic dinner he was having. 32 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,394 It wasn't a romantic dinner. It was... 33 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:20,958 It was a business meeting. 34 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:25,278 I must say, we didn't really have you down as the broad minded type. 35 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,430 Is she pre-op or actually in transition? 36 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:33,920 Oh, God. 37 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,791 Bless him, he's gone all shy. 38 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:41,311 I don't know. Young love makes them all giddy, don't it? 39 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,192 Right. Sunbeds. 40 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,311 Excuse me, uh, is this seat free? 41 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,477 - Far as I know. - Oh, cheers. 42 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,597 Bottle of beer, please. 43 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,192 Oh, oh, oh, no, sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. 44 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,549 Um, are you Mel? 45 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,193 Yeah. Have we met? 46 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,914 - No. - Well, how do you know who I am? 47 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:11,794 Lucky guess. 48 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:15,709 Uh, that, and the 30 foot high poster of you advertising your shop 49 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,990 - as you drive into Benidorm. - Oh, yeah. 50 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,758 Forgotten about that. 51 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,110 How is the mobility business? 52 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,550 Been better. 53 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,717 Yeah, I know how difficult it can be. 54 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,195 - I'm in business meself. - Oh, yeah. 55 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,914 What are you in? 56 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,758 Spanish property. 57 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,269 Really? 58 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,716 - So she got the last four? - Yes. 59 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,593 - But she only ordered two to begin with? - Yes, I know. 60 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,916 She can't change her order after you've got the last two. 61 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,713 Are you just going to repeat everything I've said to you 62 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,319 only in a slightly higher voice? 63 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,794 Greedy cow. Who's she with? 64 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,150 The Costa Blanca Charm School. How do I know? 65 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,112 All right, no need to bite me head off. 66 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,356 I might have to. There's nothing else to eat around here. 67 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,234 - What were you looking at? - Sorry. 68 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,631 You don't have to apologise. 69 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:16,835 Sorry I'm not very exciting today, but you really tired me out last night. 70 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,237 I'm sorry about that. I can witter on, sometimes. 71 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,310 Oh, right, you mean sex-wise. 72 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,590 - Oh, brilliant. - Yeah. 73 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,233 Did you hear them banging next door? 74 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,239 No. Gosh, sounds like everybody was at it last night. 75 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,998 Think it was a full moon or something? 76 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,599 No. I mean, they were banging on the wall 77 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:34,790 for us to keep the noise down. 78 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,275 Oh, I see. Excellent. 79 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,916 Well, they don't call me... 80 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,799 "Loud Sex" Martin for nothing, you know. 81 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,354 (CHUCKLING) 82 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,638 They don't really call me that, you know. 83 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,831 I didn't think they did. 84 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,232 Do you have to, the pair of you? 85 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:02,555 Mmm... 86 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,432 Leave us alone, we're on holiday. 87 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:10,714 You all right, mam? 88 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,480 No, I'm not. I'm very loose. 89 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,590 (BOTH GROANING) 90 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,233 Well, don't spare us any details, will you? 91 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,680 It's freezing in there. 92 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,518 There you are. Look, your towel's down there. 93 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,917 Hey, Telle, turn Coolio around. I can't see him. 94 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,709 (EXCLAIMING) Just look at him. 95 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,318 I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful baby. 96 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,910 Oh, you obviously haven't seen pictures of me as a baby, then. 97 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,998 You were never a bonnie baby. 98 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,872 - Thanks. - Your head was too big. 99 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,320 We used to get stopped in the street. 100 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,238 People didn't know what to make of you. 101 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,237 - Hat stand? - I used to say to them, 102 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,239 "There's nothing wrong with her, she'll grow into it." 103 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,114 And she did. 104 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,837 Big feet as well, for a child. 105 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,871 Why don't we try for another baby? 106 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,479 I wouldn't mind how big its head was. 107 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:55,874 Another baby? 108 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,389 Yeah, that's just what we need right now. 109 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,080 I didn't say have another baby. I just said try for one. 110 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,032 (BOTH LAUGHING) Stop it. 111 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,436 She'll never be able to have another baby at her age. 112 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,631 And if she does, it'll be "Good night, Irene" 113 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,797 to all her woman's bits downstairs. 114 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,593 Oh, for God's sake. 115 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,599 What are you fiddling about with, Michael? 116 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,153 I'm just looking at your scooter. 117 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,874 Well, don't. It's not a toy, you know. Go on. 118 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,479 Get out of me road. 119 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,193 I was only looking. 120 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,516 Come and sit with us, Michael. 121 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,679 Although, there's not a lot of room over here, 122 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,791 what with your mother's head and her feet. 123 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:30,876 Piss off! 124 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,593 Here, if you want something to do, 125 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,678 go and ask them over there if they've got anything for the squits. 126 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:36,790 Okay. 127 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,831 Do you know, you should run holidays for kids, Madge. 128 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,839 You really know how to keep them entertained. 129 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,312 Listen, Brandy, um... 130 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,309 What? 131 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,673 Well, I just wanted to say, 132 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,440 and don't get me wrong, I like a bit of the old rumpy-pumpy 133 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,154 as much as the next man, but, um... 134 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,755 Go on. 135 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,874 Well, I don't want this to sound corny or sad, but... 136 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,154 Brandy, 137 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,676 I'm really falling for you. 138 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,872 - Really? - Yes. 139 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,589 Really. 140 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,913 Well, I fell for you the moment I saw you. 141 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,277 So it's nice to hear you're finally catching up. 142 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,629 (CHUCKLING) 143 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:31,118 Excuse me, erm, me nana said have you got anything for the squits? 144 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,196 Oh, it's absolutely ridiculous. 145 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,119 - You can order a sandwich. - I don't want a sandwich. 146 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,830 It is a bit weird. When there's been a barbeque before, 147 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,598 it's always been on all afternoon. 148 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,711 It's only just gone 2:00. 149 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,914 Look, he's back. I'm going to sort this out. 150 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,553 Oh, don't argue with him, Gavin. 151 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,035 Let's just go to the Chinese buffet across the road. 152 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,992 - Six euros. - Six euros? 153 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,999 Haven't you heard there's a credit crunch? 154 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,794 Excuse me, has the barbeque finished? 155 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,035 S�, finished. 156 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,071 But you can still order a salad from the bar. 157 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,556 Oh, yes, of course, salad. That staple of every Benidorm holidaymaker's diet. 158 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,000 Come on, let's go over the road. 159 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,554 I've not paid for an all-inclusive holiday 160 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,432 for everything to be all-inclusive except the food. 161 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,154 You didn't pay for anything, the holiday was free. 162 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,271 - How many burgers did you want? - Just two. 163 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,791 There's a woman over there. She took four but she's only eat two. 164 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,957 Ask her you can have them. 165 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,031 Oh, right. That does it. 166 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,957 I don't know why I'm still picking, I'm full. 167 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,833 We shouldn't have had such a big breakfast. 168 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,155 So after all that whining, 169 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,510 you didn't actually want the other two burgers. 170 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:50,869 What is your problem? 171 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,354 I'll tell you my problem. 172 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,357 Some little piggy with eyes bigger than her belly, 173 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,551 if that's possible, obviously thinks there's a war on. 174 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,069 And she has to stockpile food she has no intention of eating! 175 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,111 Oh, stick it up your arse. 176 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,834 It's unbelievable. Her son didn't even finish the first one. 177 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,600 - That's my husband! - (CHUCKING) Husband? Sorry. 178 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,438 Yeah. What's it got to do with you? 179 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,119 Extremely loyal husband, it would seem, 180 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,835 the way he's courageously jumped to your defence. Oh, no, my mistake. 181 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,110 He's just sitting there like a rather embarrassed child! 182 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,311 He doesn't speak English! 183 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,829 I think you'll find he probably does. 184 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,395 He's just never been able to get a word in edgeways. 185 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,399 Here. Here's your burger, you big fat poof! 186 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,794 You bitch! How dare you! 187 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:30,910 (BOTH YELLING) 188 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,394 MAN: Ladies, come on now, break it up. 189 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,909 - GAVIN: You old Jabba the Hutt! - Get off my husband! 190 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,030 You bitch! 191 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,480 - Get off me you big... - GAVIN: Witch! 192 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,991 (BOTH YELLING) 193 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,232 GAVIN: How dare you! 194 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:47,513 That's enough! Right. I don't want to hear another peep 195 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:51,429 out of either of you two, or you're barred. Do you understand? 196 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,474 (SCOFFING) 197 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,999 Come on, Gav. 198 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,359 TROY: Hey, rise above it. 199 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,711 Come on, move away. There's nothing to see here. 200 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,632 Please, go back to where you came from. 201 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,512 The show is over. 202 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,354 Oh, my God! 203 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,711 You know this woman? 204 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,918 You could say that. 205 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,913 She's my daughter. 206 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:23,949 (SIGHING) 207 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,313 Who told you we were here? 208 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:31,635 What do you mean, "told me"? 209 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,592 If I'd have known you were here, this is the last place 210 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,950 I would have come to. Are you all right, Mick? 211 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,913 Bloody hell! All right, Valda. What are you doing here? 212 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,156 - Hello, Chantelle. - Hello. 213 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,832 That's never our Michael? 214 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,837 Michael, say hello to your Auntie Valda. 215 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,633 Hi, Auntie Valda. 216 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,790 What are you doing here? 217 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:50,479 What do you think I'm doing here? We're on holiday. 218 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,159 - We? - Yes, we. 219 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,078 This is my husband. 220 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,238 - Vikram. - Your husband? 221 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,316 Mother... 222 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,839 What's his name? Vicky? 223 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,712 Vikram. He's Indian. 224 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,111 I didn't think he was bloody Polish. 225 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,709 And this must be your fancy man. I've heard all about him. 226 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,672 This is my husband. 227 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,275 Excuse me. 228 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,391 Can you take your episode of The Jerry Springer Show 229 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,670 somewhere else, as you're causing a bottleneck? 230 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,440 Look, why don't we go for a cup of tea inside? 231 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,949 You can leave Vicky here to play with Michael. 232 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,196 They're about the same age. 233 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,474 Right, that's it. Come on, we're going. 234 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,876 This is exactly what I've been avoiding 235 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,070 for the last five years! 236 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,396 Hang on, Valda. Wait a minute. 237 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:36,789 Beer? 238 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,274 Absolutely! 239 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,200 What do you reckon all that was about? 240 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,120 I don't know. Just riff-raff, aren't they? 241 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,911 You've not said much about your date last night. 242 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,718 I told you, it was all right. 243 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:57,071 I was speaking to that Scottish fellow and his wife 244 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,191 in the lift this morning. 245 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,792 Said they bumped into you and your lady friend. 246 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,554 - Oh, aye? - Yes. 247 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,956 Said you made a very nice couple. 248 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,276 - Did they? - Said something about her 249 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,630 being a bit older than you. 250 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,998 And possibly... 251 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:19,157 Now, I think the word was "pre-operative". 252 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,070 But don't know what that means. 253 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,998 Look, I met someone on the internet. 254 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,636 We met up and she turned out to be a fella in a dress. 255 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,475 All right? Are you happy now? 256 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,157 Oh, son, you know you can tell me anything. 257 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,839 And I didn't tell ya. 258 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,958 Because it were a misunderstanding, all right? 259 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,914 I don't fancy men, and I certainly don't fancy women who are men. 260 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,634 I mean men who think they're women. 261 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,636 - I mean... - Your dad was big mates 262 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,671 with that Danny La Rue. 263 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:58,194 We went to see him three times in Manchester. 264 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,791 I said to your father, 265 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:06,474 "Did you realise it was a fella in a frock when you first met him?" 266 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:11,039 And he said, "It were 1948, and I'd just been demobbed 267 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:15,199 �from the Navy. I was bound to make a few mistakes." 268 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:25,559 Oh, he did have a good sense of humour. 269 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,999 - Is that him? - Yeah, that's him. He's in property. 270 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,317 He's over here tying up a few deals, then he's off tomorrow. 271 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,229 "Marcus Snelling, Business Intelligence Consultant.� 272 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,279 What does that mean? 273 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,558 It means he's got his fingers in a lot of pies. 274 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,672 So has he. Don't mean you should buy an house off him. 275 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,473 I told him I wasn't interested. 276 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,557 Never show all your cards at once. 277 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,637 (SIGHING) I'm supposed to be relaxing today. 278 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,319 But it's hard to switch off. 279 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,511 You're like me. A workaholic. 280 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:06,796 (STIFLING A LAUGH) 281 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,196 - You all right? - Oh, yeah. 282 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,030 My business associate, Mick Garvey. 283 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,879 Nice to meet you, Mick. Marcus Snelling. 284 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,479 Yeah, I've heard all about you. 285 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,830 Oh, yeah, you been talking about me, Mel? 286 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,678 Well, I just mentioned you were in property. 287 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,076 Yeah, it's a real shame it's not your thing. 288 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,918 I've just heard of another property available to me, 289 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,158 but I've only brought the cash to secure the one I knew about. Shame. 290 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,954 - It would only take 5,000 euros. - Ah, well 291 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,356 Life's a bitch and then you die. 292 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,949 A 90,000 euro guaranteed profit for a 5,000 euro stake. 293 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,959 Basically, it's a licence to print money. 294 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,630 How'd you work them figures out? 295 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,829 I've got this estate agent friend. 296 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,751 No, you're not interested. 297 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,558 No, we're not interested. 298 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,637 Well, hang on here. You may as well tell us. 299 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,956 He deals with a lot of old biddies that retired out here, 300 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,115 but run out of money. 301 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,072 Now, he offers them the chance of a lifetime. 302 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,919 Sell your house, but still live in it. 303 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,958 You've got a look of Carol Vorderman. 304 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,798 Anybody ever tell you that? 305 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:09,955 Go on. 306 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,356 He gives them a ridiculously low valuation on their house, 307 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,630 but tells them he feels sorry for their predicament. 308 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,070 And out of the kindness of his heart, can put them in touch 309 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,794 with a private cash buyer with no commission to pay, 310 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,070 as long as they don't breathe a word of this to the agency. 311 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,510 Now that is where I come in. 312 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,436 What on earth is that smell? 313 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,439 - Oh, yeah. It's bullshit. - Shut up. 314 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:35,190 I fly over here, bung the estate agent five grand, take over the deal. 315 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:41,276 I buy a 200,000 euro house off a confused little old lady 316 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,069 for 60 grand. 317 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,079 I then sell the house to a big property developer 318 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,237 the same day for 150 K. 319 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,551 He bites my hand off, 'cause it's still 50 K less 320 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,193 than the full market value. 321 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,438 But he's happy. He's got another property in his portfolio. 322 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,554 And a sitting tenant who's not only paying top whack rent 323 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,154 but who'll be dead within a couple of years, 324 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,432 leaving him with a house worth even more money. 325 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,679 - That is unbelievable. - Yeah. Certainly is. 326 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,991 Why don't the estate agent just go directly to the property developer? 327 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,317 Because the estate agent doesn't know who the property developer is. 328 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,274 He's my contact. Knowledge is everything in this game, Mel. 329 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,912 You're not considering this, are you? 330 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,360 What's it got to do with you? 331 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:25,959 I thought I was your business associate. 332 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,037 Look, it's not everyone's cup of tea. 333 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,071 You do have to have fairly flexible morals. 334 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,398 Flexible morals? You make Harold Shipman look like the Flying Doctor. 335 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,511 I've heard enough. 336 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,516 Sorry about him. He's very naive when it comes to business. 337 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,789 (MARCUS CHUCKLES) 338 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,436 - Thanks a lot. - MATEO: Yes. 339 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:50,197 Well, anyway, if you feel like turning 5 grand into 100, you've got my card. 340 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,993 (MARCUS GROANING) 341 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,394 I missed you, babe. 342 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:20,874 (GIGGLING) 343 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,000 Gary, what are you doing? 344 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,599 You weren't supposed to get here until tomorrow. 345 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,552 I got a cheap flight. 346 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,115 - How's it going? - Everything's sorted. 347 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,675 I've been working on the mark. He'll give me anything I want. 348 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,393 I bet he will. 349 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:36,994 Anything else? 350 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:40,590 Yeah. Staff pass key to every room in the place. 351 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,313 Ooh, you little beauty. 352 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,794 (GIGGLING) 353 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,679 (GARY MOANING) 354 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,154 (LIFT DINGS) 355 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,431 So when did you arrive? 356 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,995 We got off the plane about 11:00 this morning. 357 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,758 Plane from where? 358 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,030 You don't change, do you, eh? 359 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,800 You're still the same nasty racist old bag you always were. 360 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,355 What are you talking about? I just asked where you flew from. 361 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,073 How do you put up with it? 362 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,634 How can I be a racialist? 363 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,319 You've seen Telle's little 'un. 364 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,829 Anyway, there's no point trying to avoid them these days. 365 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,394 They're everywhere. 366 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,874 (SIGHING) 367 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,196 Did you meet in Manchester? 368 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:28,829 No. 369 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,151 I was on holiday in India. 370 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:32,953 We met in Varanasi. 371 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,832 That's where Vikram's family are from. 372 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,314 Oh, right. 373 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,678 You went to India? 374 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,873 - Yeah. - For an holiday? 375 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,149 - Yes. - To India? 376 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,396 Is she losing her hearing as well as the use of her legs? 377 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:45,840 There's nothing wrong with me legs. 378 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,394 Well, what are you doing in that wheelchair, then? 379 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,670 Why should I walk around? I'm on me holidays. 380 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,711 I'm entitled to take it easy. 381 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,912 So, can he not speak any English at all? 382 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,794 I feel awful talking about him as if he's not here. 383 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:01,675 No, he can say "hello" and "goodbye" and "please" and �thank you". 384 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:02,835 Thank you. 385 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,679 Ooh, you'll be teaching him to ride a bike next. 386 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,871 But what are we doing here, eh? 387 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,957 I mean, I don't like her. She doesn't like me. 388 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,673 So what is the point? 389 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,916 We don't have to keep on bumping into each other. 390 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,634 We're only using this as a cheap base to do some sightseeing. 391 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,398 Not gonna be using the facilities here. 392 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,954 Sightseeing, around here? 393 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,037 Yeah, what about that waterfall place we went to? 394 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,470 - That was lovely. - Waste of time. 395 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,718 Which is exactly what this is. Come on, Vikram. 396 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,549 Well, that's it. Piss off and abandon me like you did before. 397 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,075 Abandon you? Are you joking? 398 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,314 Bit of a coincidence that you have been abandoned 399 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,149 by me, Jackie, Cheryl, Mandy, Sharon and Maureen. 400 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:46,115 People don't abandon you, mother. You drive them away. 401 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,796 I know why you're sniffing around here. 402 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,753 You've caught wind of my husband's money, haven't you? 403 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:53,791 Well, you can go and whistle for it. 404 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,877 I'll make sure you never get a penny. 405 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,470 And if Mel dies before me, I'll leave it all to the dog's home. 406 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,991 I would not take your money if I was on the bones of me arse. 407 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,238 Which is highly unlikely, as I'm a landlord with 14 houses 408 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:07,794 and Vikram's gonna be a doctor. 409 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:11,197 A doctor? What kind of a doctor? A bloody witch doctor? 410 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,511 He doesn't speak any English. 411 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:14,710 Bus! 412 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,109 Bus. 413 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:19,909 Bus. 414 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,235 Where's he want to get a bus to? 415 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,998 It means �enough�. 416 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,630 And frankly, I think he's got a point. 417 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,438 VALDA: Come on. 418 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,518 Very difficult smell to get out of furniture. 419 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,309 Curry. 420 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,310 Do you know it's Derek's opening gala 421 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,956 for the Middlesborough Bisexual Leather and Rubber Ball tonight. 422 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,876 Well, we knew that when we took the holiday. 423 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,311 Such a shame. It'll be the first time we miss Gay Derek's opening 424 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,590 since the late '80s. 425 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,677 I wonder how he's getting on. 426 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,518 Oh, why don't you give him a ring? 427 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,473 What, at 35 pence a minute? 428 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,952 Oh, yeah. Mind you, the holiday was free. 429 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,594 That's hardly the point. 430 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,916 Uh, excuse me, I hope you don't think me rude, 431 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,599 but I couldn't help overhearing. 432 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,758 Were you talking about using your UK mobile to phone home? 433 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,110 Yes, it's hellishly expensive. 434 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,715 I think we'll stick to postcards. 435 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,831 Well, have you ever thought about getting your phone chipped? 436 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,871 - Chipped? - Yeah, it's not exactly legal 437 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,479 but it does save you a lot of money. 438 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:35,920 Oh, yes? 439 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,309 May I? 440 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,549 Oh! 441 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,474 Is there something wrong? 442 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,432 Well, I don't believe it. This is a C260. 443 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,471 I've not seen one of these for years. 444 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,079 It's quite old. 445 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,476 You, my friends, are in the possession of gold dust. 446 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,273 How do you mean? 447 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,712 I'm in the mobile phone business. 448 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,719 I was gonna offer to chip your phone for cheap calls, 449 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,309 but this phone, this is the only mobile 450 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,432 you can still completely bypass the network. 451 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,198 You've lost us. 452 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,274 I can alter this phone for a few quid to get completely free calls 453 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,549 anywhere in the world. 454 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,671 I'll buy this phone off you for 100 euros. 455 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,279 Oh, we've got two of them! 456 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,869 (GARY LAUGHING) Great! 100 euros a piece. 457 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,638 Hang on, hang on. 458 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,752 200 euros for rare phones you can get unlimited 459 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,110 free international calls from? 460 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,434 We're not as green as we're cabbage-looking. 461 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,278 But you don't know how to alter them. 462 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,198 Knowledge is everything in this game. 463 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,960 I'm sure we'll find somebody back home that can do it. 464 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,869 The internet's not just for hardcore pornography, you know. 465 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,916 I tell you what. Over here, they charge you, what, 466 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,599 30 euros each to get them done. 467 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,119 (CHUCKLING) That's if you can find someone 468 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,674 to do them for you. 469 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,916 I'll do them both for you for 60 euros. 470 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,270 - Oh, yes, please! - 50. 471 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,713 Ooh, you drive a hard bargain. 472 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,794 Oh, all right, you got yourself a deal. 473 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:04,873 And a receipt. 474 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,799 Naturally. 475 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,630 Received, two C260s 476 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,113 and 50 euros 477 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,394 for, let's call it, a, um, repair? 478 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,757 Signed. There you go. 479 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,198 Well, I think that seems to be in order. 480 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,073 Right. I'll get these phones back to you by tonight then. 481 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,032 We'll be at Neptune's. 482 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,559 Oh, oh, yeah, Neptune's. Yeah, of course. 483 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,799 Oh, lovely! 484 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:38,796 "Ray Crosby. Crosby Communications." 485 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,873 He describes the phones as gold dust and then offers us 486 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,911 100 euros each for them. 487 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,630 He'll have to do better than that to pull the wool over my eyes. 488 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,239 Oh, yes! 489 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,032 Oh, you're here. 490 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,598 Been looking for you. 491 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,836 Michael, are you all right? 492 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,471 How come I keep meeting aunties I didn't know I had? 493 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:21,956 Because, me nana doesn't really talk to them. 494 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,309 But aren't they nana's daughters? 495 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,589 Yeah. 496 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,910 And the aunties are me mam's... 497 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,394 Sisters. 498 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,758 But if the aunties are me mam's sisters, 499 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,918 then how come they don't talk to me mam either? 500 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:47,718 Well, they don't talk to me mam 'cause she talks to me nana. 501 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,839 - That's stupid. - Tell me about it. 502 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:53,920 So why don't you talk to Coolio's dad? 503 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,872 Has that got anything to do with me nana? 504 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,640 (CHUCKLES) Unbelievably, no. 505 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,950 I don't understand why everybody can't just be friends. 506 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,674 Well, it seems like they can't. 507 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,237 Not while me nana's alive, anyway. 508 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,159 Hmm. Well, that means nobody's ever gonna be friends, 509 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,794 'cause me nana's gonna live forever. 510 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,957 (LAUGHS) Who told you that? 511 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,309 Me nana. 512 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,309 She's always been trouble, Valda. 513 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,150 Always had ideas above her station. 514 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,749 She says she's got 14 houses. 515 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,554 Jesus. I knew she had a few, but not 14. 516 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,314 How did you know she had houses? 517 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:38,589 She went out with Graham Reed for a bit 518 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:41,030 after she divorced what's-his-name. Barry. 519 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,790 No wonder Barry buggered off if she was carrying on with Pakistanis. 520 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,389 - That lad was Indian. - I know. 521 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,272 And she wasn't carrying on with the Indian lad 522 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,198 when she got a divorce from Barry. 523 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,039 Mick's just said, she was carrying on with Graham Reed. 524 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,231 Who the frig's Graham Reed? 525 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:57,953 Friend of Mick's from rugby. 526 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,550 Married to Jean Reed. Used to be Jean Burger. 527 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,432 I can't listen to any more of this. 528 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,039 Turning my brains to jelly. 529 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,073 - All right. I'll come with you. - No, you're all right. 530 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,716 I just want to stretch my legs. Might have a shower, it's a bit hot. 531 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,960 - See you later, Mel. - I know what he means about the weather. 532 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,833 This hot sun isn't doing anything for my diarrhoea. 533 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:19,712 Oh, for God's sake. 534 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,836 I'm off on a drinks run. Same again? 535 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,237 - Aye. - Yes, please. 536 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,715 Madge? Another prune juice? 537 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:28,955 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 538 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,275 (GROANS) 539 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,553 - One beer. - Ah, gracias! 540 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,069 - I used to be a barman, you know. - Yes? 541 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,396 Yeah. Hard work but great fun. 542 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,832 I err.. used to do a bit of magic behind the bar. 543 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,037 - Really? - Oh, yes. 544 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,549 - You know magic? - Absolutely. 545 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,999 Do one thing for me. 546 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:02,793 Oh, I don't really do it any more. 547 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,550 One second. I find for you... 548 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:08,870 There. 549 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,196 No, no. I haven't done anything for ages. 550 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,516 (SCOFFS) Yeah, okay. 551 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,392 Hang on a minute. 552 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,439 Pick a card. 553 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,838 Okay. Look at it. 554 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,991 Put it back in the pack. 555 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,349 All right. 556 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,790 Wait. I shuffle. 557 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,311 (LAUGHS) You're not making this easy for me, are you? 558 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:48,839 (WHISTLING) 559 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:57,711 Right. Now, I am going to find your card. 560 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,153 Right, now. I bet you one euro 561 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:09,557 the next card that I turn over will be your card. 562 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,631 - One euro? - Yes. Sportsman's bet. 563 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,633 Maybe we can make the bet more interesting. 564 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,195 -Ten euros? - Well, I don't know about that. 565 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,392 Come on! You said you were a magician, no? 566 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,034 Oh, all right. 567 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:32,597 Oh, hang on, that's a 50. 568 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:37,834 - You have placed the bet. - Oh, you're too quick for me, mate. 569 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,357 I'll tell you what. I'm feeling lucky. 570 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:45,356 Do you feel like making it 100? 571 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,353 The next card you turn over has to be my card. 572 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,154 I bet you 100 euros 573 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,671 the next card that I turn over will be your card. 574 00:28:58,680 --> 00:28:59,829 Okay. 575 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,470 This is all the money I have. 576 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:08,113 Here we go, then. 577 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:09,469 (HUMMING) 578 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,638 - What? - Ace of Hearts. Your card. 579 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:17,319 But no, I thought you had... 580 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:20,558 Oh, knowledge is everything in this game, se�or. 581 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,269 Oh! 582 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:26,671 Now that's what I call a woman. 583 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,474 Yeah. She's very noisy in bed, though. 584 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,318 She certainly... 585 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:36,954 (GROANS) 586 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:51,880 - Hello. - Hiya. 587 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:54,958 Me nana said can she have some more of them diarrhoea tablets? 588 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:56,673 I'm sorry, my friend's not here at the moment. 589 00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:57,835 But her bag's here. 590 00:29:57,960 --> 00:29:59,758 Yes, but I can't go through someone else's bag 591 00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:01,154 without them there. 592 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,112 Why not? My nana does it all the time. 593 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:04,196 Yes, well, I'm sorry, 594 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,197 but I can't do anything about it until she gets back. 595 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,073 But my nana says she's gonna shit herself. 596 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,029 Please! 597 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,031 - No, nothing here. - What about that bit with the zip? 598 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:22,274 I'm really not comfortable doing this. 599 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,351 There! There's some there. 600 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,958 - Where's old ploppy pants? - She couldn't move fast enough. 601 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:49,551 If this keeps up, she'll have to ask Mel to get that scooter turbocharged. 602 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:52,791 - Where's me nana? - Too late, son. 603 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,513 She was off like a robber's dog. 604 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,233 I got her these tablets. 605 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,512 These'll work. They've got smiley faces on them. 606 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,359 Oh, yeah? I'll give them to her later. 607 00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:07,839 Hang on a minute. Do you know what these are? 608 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:09,997 They're diarrhoea tablets. 609 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,797 Oh, yeah. So they are. 610 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,799 Bloody hell! I think you're in there, Mel. 611 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,314 I was gonna say I don't fancy yours much, 612 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,238 but mine's not much better. 613 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:36,953 Oh, give over. 614 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,032 I didn't even notice them. 615 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:42,676 Unlike you, I don't have a wandering eye for anything in a dress. 616 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:46,270 Well, not anything in a dress. 617 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,474 - You all right, Madge? - I'm fine. 618 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:51,878 Oh, God, I think the one with the flower in her hair's 619 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,071 definitely up for it, Mel. 620 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,077 Good job she's not in an electric wheelchair. 621 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:58,635 You'd have been over there like a rat up a drainpipe! 622 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,149 It may come as a surprise to you as you sit there leering, 623 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,749 but it's quite possible to communicate with the opposite sex 624 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,679 without viewing them as sexual objects. 625 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:10,755 You see? You don't have to... 626 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:12,598 Jesus Christ! It's a fella! 627 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,234 (CACKLING) 628 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:16,518 Why didn't you tell me it was a bloke? 629 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:21,032 Don't worry. I'm sure he's not viewing you as a sexual object. 630 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:26,673 Okay, ladies and gentlemen. The first karaoke cab off the rank is 631 00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:28,479 young Michael Garvey. 632 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,591 Hey! That's you! Go on! 633 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,680 Go on! Good on, son! 634 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,640 That fella's still looking at you, Mel. 635 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,592 - Bloody disgusting. - What is? 636 00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,950 I pride myself on being very open-minded, 637 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:50,832 but if there's one thing that's out of order, 638 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,997 it's men pretending to be women. 639 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:54,474 Men should be men, 640 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,989 not prancing around like a bunch of nancies. 641 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,076 Hear, hear. 642 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:00,635 (BIG SPENDER INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) 643 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,398 The minute you walked in the joint 644 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,718 I could see you were a man of distinction 645 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:13,956 A real big spender 646 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:17,512 Good looking, so refined 647 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:21,395 Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? 648 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,557 So, let me get right to the point 649 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:28,195 I don't pop my cork for every guy I see 650 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,189 Hey, big spender! 651 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:39,160 Spend a little time with me 652 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,232 They put their names down early for it these days, don't they? 653 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:46,591 - You don't think he is, do you? - No. 654 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:48,194 When I was his age, I listened to nothing 655 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,391 but Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland. 656 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,354 And look at me, an icon of manhood. 657 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:54,595 That's true. 658 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:55,796 ...good time 659 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:59,511 Let me show you a good time 660 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:03,634 - He's good, isn't he? - (LAUGHS) He's a natural. 661 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,397 I could see you were a man of distinction 662 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:09,796 We could have a kid, you know. 663 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:13,796 There's only one thing wrong with that sentence. 664 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:16,150 - What's that? - The words. 665 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:17,879 We could adopt. 666 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,879 Yes, with only Amy Winehouse and Vlad the Impaler 667 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,320 before us on the waiting list. 668 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:23,589 You'd make a great dad. 669 00:34:23,720 --> 00:34:27,236 I'd make a great house burglar if cat flaps were twice the size. 670 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:28,555 Twice? 671 00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:29,954 You bitch! 672 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:34,711 Hey, now! Stop it, stop it, or I'll ask your friends to come and sit with us. 673 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,037 Oh, hello, we were going to order the lamb. 674 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,437 Should we just get it sent straight to your table? 675 00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:49,715 Yeah! 676 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,194 (APPLAUSE) 677 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,437 That were brilliant! 678 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,758 - Did you like it, dad? - Yeah. it was all right. 679 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,710 Yeah, good. Really good, son. 680 00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:15,439 Hey, how's that girl in your class that you like? 681 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:17,233 What's her name? Nicola. 682 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:18,634 I've gone off her. 683 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:19,830 - Really? - Yeah. 684 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,839 I hang around with her brother now. Steven. 685 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:26,957 Did you like my song, nana? 686 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:29,634 I wasn't really listening. 687 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,751 Your nana's not very well, Michael. 688 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,951 Do you want another couple of them tablets, mam? 689 00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:36,071 Oh, yeah. Pass them over. 690 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,429 You've only just taken two. 691 00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:38,675 (STIFLED LAUGHTER) 692 00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:40,837 What's tickled your fancy? 693 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:42,955 Nothing. 694 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,156 Can I go say hello to my Auntie Valda? 695 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,590 Typical Sitting there supping the free booze 696 00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:50,154 after all that rubbish about, 697 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,794 "Oh, we're not going to be using the facilities here." 698 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,150 I asked her to come here so we can talk. 699 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:56,953 And there she is, sitting with her back to us. 700 00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:58,991 That's how much she wants to talk. 701 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:02,351 - Come on. Let's go over there. - You can frig off. 702 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:03,919 I'm staying here. 703 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,795 I think Madge is right. Let the mountain come to Mohammad. 704 00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,435 I thought his name was Vicky. 705 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:21,993 What're you trying to do to me? 706 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:23,793 What do you think? 707 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,909 You know, Brandy, I've never been this happy in my entire life. 708 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:31,793 - You mean you've never been this drunk? - And who'd had thought it? 709 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:35,231 Me, a middle-class, privately educated bloke 710 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,079 with a, well, let's face it, highly privileged background, 711 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:41,272 and you, you, from Liverpool. 712 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,153 I mean, it shouldn't work but it does. 713 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,350 Martin, you know that money I asked to borrow? 714 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,710 Yeah, yeah, it's safe somewhere in the apartment. 715 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,116 - Where? - I've hidden it. 716 00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:55,039 - Yeah, I know, but where? - I'll tell you tomorrow. 717 00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:57,117 The walls have ears. 718 00:36:57,320 --> 00:36:59,391 - Is it under the bed? - Yeah. 719 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,113 Listen, I've gotta go for a waz, 720 00:37:04,240 --> 00:37:07,835 but I just want you to know that I honestly think 721 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,157 that ours was more than just a chance meeting. 722 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:14,115 I've never been a big believer in fate, 723 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:17,232 but I think you came into my life for a reason. 724 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:19,997 I couldn't agree more. 725 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,357 (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) 726 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,313 Excuse me, you haven't seen that chap in the red Hawaiian shirt 727 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,397 that was near the pool today, have you? 728 00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,636 Oh, no, sorry. 729 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:35,440 No matter. 730 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,800 I can't think who he means, can you? 731 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:50,599 - All right? 732 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,033 Why don't you just ask her out, son? 733 00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:58,836 'Cause I'm not interested. 734 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:01,679 You could do a lot worse. 735 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:14,839 I just think whilst you're here, it's the perfect opportunity 736 00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:16,473 to build a few bridges. 737 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:17,670 How are we supposed to do that 738 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,269 when she won't even come over here to talk to me. 739 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,869 WOMAN ON MIC: Okay, ladies and germs, 740 00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:26,311 next song up tonight is Madge singing Up, Up and Away. 741 00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:28,158 Let's hear it for Madge! 742 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:29,236 (APPLAUSE) 743 00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:32,478 Is that me? Are they asking for me? 744 00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:34,274 I don't think you should go, princess, 745 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:35,913 you don't look right to me. 746 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,951 Are you all right, Madge? 747 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:42,199 (VOICE DISTORTED) I can see. I can see everything! 748 00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:46,313 - Madge! - Oh, my God. Where are you going? 749 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,829 To get the video camera. I'm not missing this. 750 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,359 Hurry up! 751 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:53,474 (UP. UP AND AWAY INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) 752 00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:02,114 Would you like to ride in me beautiful balloon? 753 00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:07,314 How'd you like to glide in me beautiful balloon? 754 00:40:07,440 --> 00:40:10,717 We could sail along the clouds together 755 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:14,993 You and I Oh, we could fly 756 00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:24,794 Oh, shit! 757 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:29,029 What do you think you're doing? 758 00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,680 I said, what do you think you're doing? 759 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,432 Oh, no, you don't. Come here! Come here. Help! 760 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,399 - Help! - What's going on? 761 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:40,874 She's robbing the place! 762 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,833 Don't just stand there, go and get somebody! 763 00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:45,839 Well, go on! 764 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:57,679 Oh, fuck! 765 00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:01,559 ...In my beautiful balloon 766 00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:04,798 We could float among the stars together 767 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:10,393 You and I Oh, we could fly 768 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:17,196 Up, up and away in my beautiful.. 769 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,277 Me nana's gone mad! 770 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:21,789 I knew she shouldn't have had a drink with medication. 771 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,912 You've gotta admit, she's a good mover though. 772 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:27,352 The world's a nicer place 773 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,313 In my beautiful balloon 774 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:33,918 What are you all doing just sitting here? 775 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:34,996 What do you mean? 776 00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:36,952 Will someone go and get her off that stage? 777 00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:40,198 Now, don't be a spoilsport. She's just getting into her stride. 778 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:45,349 You and I, we could fly 779 00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:46,840 (WHOOPS) 780 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,630 Up, up and away in my beautiful 781 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:58,073 My beautiful balloon 782 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:03,113 Up, up and away! 783 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:06,556 (SCREAMING) 784 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:10,678 (CLAMOURING) 785 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,079 JAN: Oh, my God! 786 00:42:57,520 --> 00:42:59,955 (MUFFLED SCREAMS) 787 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:12,793 What've you been doing? You just missed the most hilarious... 788 00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,956 (SCREAMING) 789 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:17,554 Oh, my God! 790 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:26,752 Come on, princess. You're okay, you're okay. 791 00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:30,360 What the frig is wrong with her? 792 00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:32,835 She's had a bad reaction to something. Can't you tell? 793 00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,555 Yes. I've had a fairly bad reaction to her jumping on me head! 794 00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:40,355 Look, why don't we all meet up tomorrow and have a drink? 795 00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:44,874 Are you joking? We are leaving first thing in the morning. 796 00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,396 We thought this place was cheap when we booked it. 797 00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:50,399 (SOBBING) We just didn't realise how cheap! 798 00:43:50,880 --> 00:43:52,837 It was nice to meet you. 799 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,079 - You... - Janice. 800 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:56,599 ...crazy! 801 00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,110 All crazy. 802 00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:08,998 Ladies and gentlemen, can all residents please return to the apartments. 803 00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,751 There's been several reported burglaries in the Solana, 804 00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:17,033 and we require all residents to return to their accommodation immediately. 805 00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:19,117 - Oh, my God! - I'll go. 806 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:22,917 (INDISTINCT CLAMOURING) 807 00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,950 I'm sorry, were you asleep? It's Martin. 808 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:33,271 I'm so sorry. I've been such a fool. 809 00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:36,076 Sorry. Sorry. I'm in Spain. 810 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,191 In Benidorm. 811 00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:40,719 It was free. 812 00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:43,594 I've lost everything. 813 00:44:43,720 --> 00:44:45,791 Money, passport, everything. 814 00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,593 Everything's been taken. 815 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:52,834 Kate, I need you. I need you so much. 816 00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:55,279 (WAILING)