1 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,113 Oh, it's busy this morning. 2 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,232 Yes, they must be giving out free scratch cards with every breakfast. 3 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,716 Good morning, boys. Don't forget, coach trip today. 4 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:41,796 Oh, yeah! 5 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,878 Bring your trunks. We're just off to get ours. 6 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,075 Oh. Do you fancy that? 7 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,194 Hmm. Seeing Donald and Jacqueline cavorting in their Speedos. 8 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:52,799 What's the alternative? 9 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,480 Being shot between the eyes with a rusty air rifle. 10 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,160 Oh! No contest. Pull the trigger. 11 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,311 Are you sure you don't want anything more than that, son? 12 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,477 No. That was lovely. 13 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,229 I mean, don't get me wrong, 14 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,874 I think you've done brilliant with your dieting. 15 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,752 But let's be honest, 16 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,872 if you turn sideways now, you'd be marked absent. 17 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,038 You're joking! I've got another two stone to go. 18 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,958 Another two stone! 19 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,754 You'll have to hollow out your legs, there's nothing on you. 20 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:40,080 Your Uncle Francis said your dad had an elastic band fitted. 21 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,999 Like that Fearne Cotton off the telly. 22 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,911 But I told him, "It's a will of iron that boy's used to get his weight down 23 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,838 "and nothing more." 24 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,314 Don't you mean Fern Britton? 25 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,991 Now, are you coming with me to the waterfalls of Agadoo? 26 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,352 The waterfalls of Algar! 27 00:01:58,480 --> 00:01:59,470 That's it. 28 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,911 No. I've got a bit of business to sort out in the old town. 29 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,190 - Do you want me to come? - No! 30 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,199 I've got to see an hombre about a perro. 31 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,391 Oh! Right. 32 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,912 Hey, you never know. 33 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,635 That what's-her-name might be coming to the waterfalls. 34 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,910 - Telle. - I'm not interested. 35 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,873 You are! You had a date with her. 36 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,991 We're just friends. 37 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:28,829 Well, its about time you got yourself a nice girlfriend. 38 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,758 Mother, will you leave it? 39 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,952 What happened to that girl with the funny lip 40 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,390 you met on that YTS scheme? 41 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,158 Was her name Cheryl? 42 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,035 I can't remember. It's a good few years ago. 43 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,197 I haven't got time for girls right now, all right? 44 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,075 Haven't got time for girls? A good-looking lad like you? 45 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,636 What about that lass off the internet you were talking to? 46 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,071 - Mother, can we just drop the subject? - I told you 47 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,400 I'd lend you the money to go to Brazil but you didn't seem keen. 48 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:01,874 Look, 49 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:06,312 how many times do I have to tell you? I'm just not interested! 50 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,476 (LAUGHING) Not interested in girls? 51 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,549 What are you interested in then? 52 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,000 (CHUCKLING) 53 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,151 Right, mother, what's going on today? 54 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,476 Are you coming with us on this trip or are you staying here? 55 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,477 I'm not going anywhere I can't take me chair. 56 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,035 I'm on me holidays, I shouldn't have to walk around. 57 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,676 Come on! Look at that. There's two waterfalls, 58 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,758 a diving area and a natural swimming pool. 59 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,917 You joking? She ain't gonna come with us. 60 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:41,996 All that water? 61 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,430 She'd be frightened if somebody throws a bar of Imperial Leather at her 62 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,959 and she'll have to get a wash. 63 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,038 Well, you're not going anywhere, you've got to work for Mel. 64 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,549 Madge, it may have escaped your notice 65 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,469 but Mel's Mobility Boutique tragically burned to the ground last night, 66 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,355 thus rendering me sadly unemployed. 67 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,433 He'll still need you to clear things up. 68 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,517 He can't be expected to do that on his own. 69 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,199 You think I'm spending the day shovelling shit 70 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,311 in a burnt-out shop when its 80 degrees out here, 71 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,272 you can kiss my arse! 72 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:10,915 MADGE: Same to you! 73 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,998 There's no wonder the kids of today are sticking knives in each other, 74 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,556 high as a kite on drugs when their parents are using language like that. 75 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,149 If we kiss your arse, it won't be just the kids high as a kite. 76 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,430 Can we have a bit less talk of arses 77 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,358 when I'm trying to eat me sausage, please? 78 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,199 Anyway, Mel's got that Spanish lad working for him. What's his name? 79 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,310 Paco. 80 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,750 Enough said. Let Paco earn his three euros an hour. 81 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,635 I am going swimming with my beautiful wife. 82 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,398 Oh, aye. What are you after? 83 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,592 You know what he's after. He's always been the same. 84 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,156 Oh, dear, do I detect a tinge of jealousy? Hmm? 85 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,554 After a full year of marriage, 86 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,194 have you and Mel not yet done the deed of darkness? 87 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,153 The deed of what? What's he talking about? 88 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,556 - The beast with two backs. - Oh, shut up! 89 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,035 "Beast with two backs"? What's that when it's at home? 90 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,391 Has he stormed the trenches? Eh? Hidden the hot dog? 91 00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,635 (LAUGHING) 92 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,832 Have you both turned the lights out and done the hokey-cokey? 93 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,634 Oh right, I see what you mean. 94 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,469 No, not yet. I don't think he's interested. 95 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,639 I must admit, your father was very talented in that department. 96 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,709 I remember when he first took me up the pleasure beach 97 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,638 and showed me his American Smooth. 98 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,115 Oh, she thinks you're talking about dancing. 99 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,958 Oh. What are you talking about? 100 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,835 Right. I'm going up the road to see how they're getting on. 101 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,030 How Mel's getting on. 102 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,719 You've not finished your breakfast. 103 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,434 - It's black pudding. - Pass it over. 104 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,312 See you later. Keep an eye on Coolio, will you? 105 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,590 - Yeah. - Back here by 11:00. 106 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,199 What's she going over there for? 107 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,711 I think she's after a different type of black pudding. 108 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,312 You know I'm holding you responsible for all this, don't you? 109 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,239 Señor Harvey, I tell you the lights are too much. 110 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,397 It had nothing to do with the lights. It was the bloody wiring! 111 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:14,999 It was like Spaghetti Junction in there. 112 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,679 No wonder we went up in flames. 113 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,599 Señor Harvey, I need to talk to you about money. 114 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,519 Oh, don't worry about me, everything was insured. 115 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,119 When you've been in business as long as I have, 116 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,117 you always keep one step ahead. 117 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,516 No. I mean money for me. 118 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,478 Two weeks I have now been working for you, and nothing. 119 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,749 Money for you? 120 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,998 You burn my business to the ground and you ask me for money? 121 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,350 I told you when you started, you're on a month's trial. 122 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:43,439 Going by this lot, you're lucky not to have been arrested for arson. 123 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:45,870 Hiya. 124 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,399 Well, hello, darling. You all right? 125 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,590 Yeah. 126 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,996 - Hola. - Hola. 127 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,910 Are you coming on this trip to the waterfalls? 128 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,519 Well, there's not much more we can do here. 129 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,029 May as well make the most of the sun. 130 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,118 I don't suppose Paco could come, could he? 131 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,234 Who's Paco? 132 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,557 Oh, him? That his name? 133 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,437 Oh, not really, darling. He's got work here to do. 134 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,634 Oh. Okay. 135 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,273 Oh, right! I see what you mean. 136 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:19,874 Oi, Face-Ache. 137 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,834 Get that shop locked up and be over at the Solana in 10 minutes. 138 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,234 You're coming on a trip. 139 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,874 - Señor Harvey, I have to... - Pronto! 140 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:29,920 (WHISPERING) Thanks, Mel. 141 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,954 (SNORING) 142 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,912 Oh, morning. Think we've missed breakfast. 143 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,395 (SCOFFS) I don't think I could keep nothing down. 144 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,272 Me guts are doing somersaults. 145 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,356 (GROANS) 146 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,950 - You all right? - Mmm. 147 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,991 Not the most comfortable bed in the world. 148 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,794 You could always sleep with me in the double bed. 149 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:04,910 I do trust you, Martin. 150 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,749 - Well, I wouldn't want to... - Mind you, I wouldn't recommend it. 151 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,791 I don't know if it's the food, but I've had shocking wind 152 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,319 ever since I got here! 153 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,918 I suppose we could share the bed. I mean, we're both responsible adults... 154 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,235 (BRANDY FARTING) 155 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,954 Sorry, Martin, what did you say? 156 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,071 Nothing. It's all right. 157 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,592 Just because he's not found the right girl doesn't mean he's gay. 158 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,518 That's what they said about Liberace. 159 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,631 Excuse me, I need to clear these tables. 160 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,956 - Yes, we've nearly finished. - Oh, go away! 161 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:46,199 But he's never had a proper girlfriend. Not one. 162 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,072 He might be just a late starter. 163 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,114 Now that's true, or he might be just a big fat homo. 164 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,359 I mean, everybody thought that barman was normal 165 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:01,998 but I heard he was once caught rolling around behind that bar with a fella. 166 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:07,193 - So, you never can tell. - I think it's time to find a sunbed. 167 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,435 - Oh, dear, I didn't mean to say normal. - He's all right. 168 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,398 The other bloke they caught the barman with... 169 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,040 It was me. 170 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,513 See you later. 171 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,640 You dirty beggar! 172 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,990 They're a happily married couple! 173 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,237 Okay, ladies and gentlemen. 174 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,955 Here are your tickets for the waterfalls of Algar, 175 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,675 which entitles you to full access to all areas, 176 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:19,351 your Solana's picnic and a complimentary glass of Nispero liqueur. 177 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,800 What is Nispero? 178 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,389 It's a fruit grown locally in this region. 179 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:28,515 - Hey! Let's get piss-pero on Nispero. - She said one glass. 180 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,072 Don't know why we had to come here anyway? 181 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,952 Got everything we need back at the apartments. 182 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,549 Food, drink, pool for the kiddies. 183 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,433 Oh, come on, mam. It's nice to see different places. 184 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,278 I never wanted to come. 185 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,756 There's too many steps, it's too steep and there's too many people. 186 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,871 And my shoes are hurting me. 187 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,753 Oh, you're determined to have good time, aren't you? 188 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,633 Here you are, get some of this down your neck. 189 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,153 Oh, Jesus. It's good stuff, that. 190 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,999 Hmm. Very acceptable, that. 191 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,191 Do nicely as a nightcap or a digestive. 192 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,879 No, you wouldn't want a digestive with that. 193 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,469 Be too dry. Maybe a Chocolate Hobnob. 194 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:16,553 A digestive is an alcoholic drink taken after dinner to compliment the meal 195 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,318 and aid digestion. 196 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,953 Although, I wouldn't expect you to know that. 197 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,957 All right, Fanny Craddock, calm down. 198 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,993 He doesn't need to calm down. He was actually telling you something. 199 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,238 If you tried listening to people instead of making snide remarks all the time, 200 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,112 you might actually learn something. 201 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,038 Excuse me, could we get through? 202 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,629 We've not actually had our free drink yet. 203 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,989 Learn something? From him? 204 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,396 You've got no manners 'cause you've had no education. 205 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,511 MARTIN: Can we get by? We're not having a free drink. 206 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,119 Hang on a minute. It's just getting good, this. 207 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,119 No education? And who do you think you are? Brain of Britain? 208 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,469 You're as thick as two short planks. 209 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,833 Mind you, his mother was just the same. The apple never falls far from the tree. 210 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,758 Can we just go in, please? We're holding people up. 211 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,599 Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute. What's that supposed to mean? 212 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,791 - Just forget it. Come on. - I wasn't talking to you. 213 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,196 - I beg your pardon. - You know what it means. 214 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,550 I begged my Janice not to marry you. 215 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,399 You're all the same, you Garveys. Heathens. 216 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,033 And where's all this suddenly come from? 217 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,037 "Suddenly"? There's nothing sudden about it. 218 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,276 Can we just get to the free drinks, please? 219 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,550 Oh, calm down, fatty. They're not gonna evaporate. 220 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,670 (GASPS) 221 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,154 What did you just call my husband? 222 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,591 There you go. Typical That's what the Garveys always were. 223 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,631 Rude, vile pigs! 224 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,513 - Come on, mam. Let's go. - Hang on a minute. 225 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,109 - Who's side are you on? - Not yours. 226 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,399 Unbelievable! 227 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,353 Hey, son! 228 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,359 - Do you wanna try some of this? - No, thanks. 229 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,159 So, where did you say you were from again? 230 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,636 - Benidorm. -(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. You said. 231 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,994 Do you honestly think she reckons her son's gay? 232 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,394 Can't see it myself. 233 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:07,115 He's oafish, boring, completely without style, 234 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,117 totally lacking in manners. 235 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,790 And not withstanding that, he simply doesn't have the intelligence to be gay. 236 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,797 So you reckon you need all them things to be gay? 237 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,275 - Absolutely. - Oh, right. 238 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,872 I just thought you needed to like a bit of cock. 239 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,149 (SIGHS) 240 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:25,999 The despair! 241 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,792 Ooh. Is that nice? 242 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,480 You are a good boy. 243 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,431 Thank you. Oh. 244 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,033 - Could I have a quick word with you? -I have work to do. 245 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,597 Hang on a minute. Look, I'm sorry about that earlier. 246 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:49,239 My sister has recently stopped smoking and I'm constantly on edge. 247 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,113 We're identical twins, you see, 248 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,837 and we often feel whatever the other one is experiencing. 249 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,200 She once had a tetanus at the doctor's 250 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,359 and although it were only a tiny prick in her bottom, 251 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,791 I flew off me seat on the bus 252 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,433 and head-butted the woman in front of me. 253 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,678 - I have to get back to work. - Would you mind 254 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:19,839 if I came over a bit later on and had a word with you? 255 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,277 Depends what your sister is doing today. 256 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:28,634 Lovely. I'll come over as soon as I've got him settled. 257 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,239 I cannot wait. 258 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,318 Oh! Cheers. 259 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,639 Café con leche? 260 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,395 No. 261 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:32,476 Café con leche? 262 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,193 No, I didn't order anything. 263 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:35,594 Uno café con leche. 264 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,755 All right, I'll have it. Just leave it there. 265 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,039 - What do you want now? - Two euros, please. 266 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,719 For God's sake. 267 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,114 Gracias. 268 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,151 Eh! Good luck! 269 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,192 So you're absolutely certain you're okay? 270 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,311 I did give you quite a belt. 271 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,193 It's okay. I see you have problems in your mind. 272 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,038 I beg your pardon? 273 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,596 Not like crazy person, like you have trouble. 274 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,429 I have the gift. My mother had the gift and so do I. 275 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,598 What gift is that? 276 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,918 I can see everything. I can see inside people. 277 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,238 Like them X-ray specs we used to get when we were kids? 278 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:38,198 No. I can see inside your soul. 279 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,836 - I can see you have many questions. - Yes, I have. 280 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,553 Questions about your future. 281 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,069 - Not my future, me son's. - Wait. 282 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,556 - The questions are not about you. - No, they're not. 283 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,274 - They are about someone else. - Yes, they are. 284 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,596 They are about someone who is close to you. 285 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:55,755 Yes, he is. 286 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,030 - They are not about your mother. - No. 287 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,198 - They are not about your brother. - I haven't got one. 288 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,834 Your questions are about... 289 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,156 your son! 290 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,270 (GASPS) 291 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,877 How did you know that? 292 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:16,034 It is a gift. So, what are your questions about your son? 293 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,240 Well, he's never had a girlfriend 294 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:23,558 and I've never stuck my nose into his private life. 295 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,790 But, well, today, 296 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,070 he did actually say 297 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,555 he's not interested in girls. 298 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,157 Yes. This is because your son is a mufalata. 299 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,759 What's a mufalata? 300 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:42,317 He's a homo, bender, knob jockey, pillow biter, bum boy, 301 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:47,389 fudge packer, friend of Dorothy, fairy, faggot, gaylord, homosexual. 302 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,830 Your son is a homosexual gay. 303 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,110 Oh, well, I suppose you'd know. 304 00:17:52,111 --> 00:17:53,095 What! 305 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,394 -I mean, 306 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,909 with you being a psychic and everything. 307 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,236 Oh. Okay. 308 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,670 Yes. 309 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,233 Another eggnog? 310 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,152 Yes, I think I'd better. 311 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,954 Oh, son, why didn't you tell me? 312 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,800 Get in! 313 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,239 Lesley, you're about to run out of credit, love. 314 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,317 Do you want me to put another hour on for you? 315 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,876 No thanks, pet. That's me done for today. 316 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,152 - Maybe see you later in the week. - All right, darling. Take care. 317 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,590 Aye. I'll see you. 318 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,274 Very impressive. 319 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,755 Yes, just makes you want to dive in. 320 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,235 Well, they do say if you stand under a waterfall 321 00:19:56,360 --> 00:20:00,149 it's the most invigorating natural massage you can get. 322 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,477 - Sounds good to me. - Such a shame I didn't bring my bathers. 323 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,240 Or, if you don't fancy that, 324 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:10,240 I once took a course on erotic massage. 325 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:14,957 I could oil you up and give you a rub-down. No bother. 326 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:19,631 - She's very good with her hands. - Well, I did bring me cossie. 327 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,515 (CHUCKLING) So, if I don't see you in there, I'll know where you are. 328 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,835 Brandy. 329 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:31,669 So, forgive me for prying, but are you two an item? 330 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:37,796 No, not really. Well, kind of. I mean... We're sort of very good friends. 331 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,914 Right. You have an arrangement. 332 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,714 No, no, no. We met in a self-help therapy group. 333 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:49,311 Uh-huh. And Katie's fine with this therapy group? 334 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,038 - Katie? - Your wife. 335 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,958 Oh, Kate! No, um... 336 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,599 - Kate and I have separated. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 337 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:05,752 Still, you've got your therapy group to keep you occupied, haven't you? 338 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,996 Look, we'll get straight to the point. 339 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:11,192 I think we're all singing from the same hymn sheet. 340 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:16,838 Jacqueline 's had a lot of fantasies about you since we first met. 341 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,114 - Has she? - Oh, yes. 342 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:23,789 Okay. 343 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:29,074 And I can be very passive with the right, sensitive kind of man. 344 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,196 Oh my God! 345 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,312 What say we have a few drinks at Neptune's tonight, 346 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:40,674 loosen up and all go back to our apartment for a bit of therapy? 347 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,398 - Martin! What are you doing? - I'm coming! 348 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,430 (SIGHS) 349 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,996 Something tells me we won't be hearing him say that again tonight. 350 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,316 - Oh well! 351 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,636 - Picnic? - Oh, yes. 352 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,879 Is this it? Sandwich and a bag of crisps? 353 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,914 What'd you expect in a packed lunch, a Christmas dinner? 354 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,314 Well, it's not very exciting, is it? 355 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,558 If you want excitement, go look at the waterfall again. 356 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,320 Never satisfied, that's always been your trouble. 357 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,954 - You what? - Yeah, give it a rest. 358 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,639 You taking the piss? 359 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,876 She's never stopped whinging since we got off the plane. 360 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,037 Can we just have our dinner in peace? 361 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,913 - She started it. - MICK: Oh, grow up. 362 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,270 Your 11-year-old boy there making less fuss than you. 363 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:46,871 "Less fuss"? What fuss am I making? I just said they were rubbish dinners. 364 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,639 Well, this is a barrel of laughs, isn't it? 365 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,151 Mam, do you want my penguin? I'm not eating sweet stuff. 366 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,918 Aye, pass it over. 367 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,839 - Lovely spot! - Yeah. 368 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,440 So, what's gonna happen with the shop then, Mel? 369 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,631 Oh, you had to bring that up, didn't you? 370 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,876 - What? - We're trying to have a nice day out, 371 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,150 forget all our problems, and you go and mention the shop. 372 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,238 - What did you say that for? - I was making polite conversation! 373 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:22,557 "Polite conversation"? I stand and watch my livelihood burn to ashes 374 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,557 and you want to make polite conversation about it? 375 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,877 Your livelihood? You've got to be kidding. You're shitting money. 376 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,593 Not that we ever get to see any of it. 377 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:33,315 Oh, here we go. At last the truth comes out. 378 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,319 He's no father-in-law to you, he's just some meal ticket. 379 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,080 "A meal ticket"? You can't get a fucking drink out of him! 380 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,714 Right. That's enough! Mick, go for a walk! 381 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,274 "Go for a walk"? What's that supposed to mean? 382 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,550 You're just upsetting everybody. Go for a walk! 383 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,149 Where am I supposed to walk to? We're in the middle of bloody nowhere. 384 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:49,236 (GROANS) 385 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:50,589 Just go! 386 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:59,598 - Mam, can I go for a swim? - Of course you can. Be careful. 387 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,554 - Do you want me to go in with you, son? - No, you're all right. 388 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,079 Oh! It's a bit cold. 389 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,318 - Are your mates not coming in? - No, no, I don't think so. 390 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:28,999 Oh, they seemed dead nice. 391 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,634 Yeah, well, they're certainly very enthusiastic. 392 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,674 So you found some trunks then? 393 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,279 Oh, no, these are my pants. 394 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,677 I'm afraid I'll have to go commando on the journey back. 395 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:42,835 Where's that? 396 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,237 No, go commando. It means to not wear any underwear. 397 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,360 Oh, right. 398 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,552 - Why don't you go commando now? - What, here? 399 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,877 No, no, I don't think that's appropriate. 400 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,630 Come on. Promise I won't look under the water. 401 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,433 It'll really turn me on. 402 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,154 No, I think what with the kiddies in the pool and... 403 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,237 - I beg your pardon. - Come on, Martin. 404 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,671 We came here as friends, but there's no denying there's a spark between us. 405 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:13,033 There is? I mean... I mean, there is. I mean, I thought there might be. 406 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,878 - Martin. - Yes? 407 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,755 Get down in the water and slowly pull down your pants. 408 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,598 People are looking. 409 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,353 No, they're not. 410 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,031 Right. Now give them to me. 411 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,116 And swim under the waterfall. 412 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,232 I'll put these out to dry and I'll meet you back there in two minutes. 413 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:44,873 Brandy, I, I. 414 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,076 Two minutes. 415 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:12,795 (LAUGHS) 416 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:14,909 (SHUSHES) 417 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,151 - You not hungry? - No. 418 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,440 - You having a nice time? - Yes. 419 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,879 I love to listen to English people argue. 420 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,391 So, what's Paco short for? 421 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:52,552 - I'm not short. I'm taller than you. - No. I mean, is Paco your full name? 422 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,958 - Why do you ask these things? - Trying to get to know you. I like you. 423 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:03,314 My name is Paco Benitez. I am 22 years old. 424 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,990 I live in Albir with my boyfriend and our dog, Pipo. 425 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:10,431 I like French cinema and my favourite colour is blue. 426 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,879 You live in Albir with your boyfriend? 427 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,473 Oh, my God. I've made such a fool of myself, haven't I? 428 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:21,635 No. 429 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,709 I've been trying my hardest with you all day 430 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,717 and I've been getting absolutely nothing back. 431 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,480 - But now it all makes sense. - Okay. 432 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,269 (SCOFFS) 433 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,075 I can be such an idiot sometimes. 434 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:37,869 Crisp? 435 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:49,669 (SIGHS) 436 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:56,675 Brandy? 437 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,880 Excuse me. 438 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,198 That lady I was talking to earlier, did you see where she went? 439 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,438 - Yeah, she got out. - Right. 440 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,076 - Did she say where she was going? - No, but she took your clothes. 441 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:12,474 Oh, God! 442 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,829 (CHUCKLES) 443 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,792 Brandy, where are you? 444 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,033 This isn't funny! 445 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,434 (LAUGHING) 446 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,071 - What's your name? - Michael. 447 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,760 Michael, I need your help. 448 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,873 Did you not fancy a dip, Mel? 449 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,640 Not after I've had something to eat. Very dangerous. 450 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,637 You've only had a bag of crisps. 451 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:40,675 Hiya. 452 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,393 Look what I got. A bottle of that liqueur 453 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,160 and some marmalade made out of the same stuff. 454 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,112 What've you bought that for? 455 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,392 - Thought you might like it. - There he goes wasting money again. 456 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:52,794 You keep your nose out. 457 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:54,319 Don't you speak to me mother like that. 458 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,636 Oh, for Christ's sake. Don't start again. 459 00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,276 What have you got marmalade for? You know I'm not eating sweet stuff. 460 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,950 You're not gonna get any fatter from a bit of marmalade. 461 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,151 What do you mean, "fatter"? 462 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,553 - I don't mean "fatter." I mean... - What? 463 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,114 Fatter than I already am? 464 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,197 (SCOFFS) You're not fat! 465 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,118 Everybody puts a bit of weight on on holiday. 466 00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:19,799 (GASPS) You what? 467 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,193 - What have I said now? - What have you said? 468 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:24,799 You're nothing but an animal. 469 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,070 Why I ever let an insensitive pig like you 470 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,077 marry my daughter, I'll never know. 471 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,795 - I never asked to marry her. - I beg your pardon. 472 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,473 No. I don't mean I didn't want to marry you. I mean... 473 00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:39,393 Come here, mam. Don't upset yourself. 474 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:40,669 What are you getting upset for? 475 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,074 First you call your wife fatty, 476 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,520 then you say you wish you'd never married her 477 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:44,755 and you're asking why she's upset? 478 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,269 Who said "fatty"? You're twisting me words. 479 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:48,834 Janice, love, come here. 480 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,792 - Come here, mam. - I'm all right. 481 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,480 - Janice... - Just go away! 482 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:54,670 What are you... 483 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:55,756 (CHUCKLES UNEASILY) 484 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,871 Oh, my God. You're not crying? 485 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,514 No, I'm not crying. I just want you to go away. 486 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:01,835 Janice. 487 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:03,909 Janice. 488 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,592 Oh, for Christ's sake. 489 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:12,475 Thanks. 490 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,315 - It's okay. -(SNIFFS) I'm all right, I'm all right. 491 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,000 I don't know why I let him get to me. 492 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,878 - Eh, where's our Michael? - Oh, he'll be all right. 493 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,230 How do you know he's all right? Telle, have you seen him? 494 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,158 - No. - He went for a swim. 495 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:38,159 Leave the lad alone, he's not a baby any more. 496 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:40,317 What's the worst that could happen to him? 497 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,154 Uh, excuse me. 498 00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,877 Sorry, I just had to... 499 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,471 borrow your son for a bit. 500 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:05,795 Hmm. 501 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,670 Don't suppose anyone's got any spare clothes, have they? 502 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:18,874 (LAUGHING) 503 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:36,910 Hola. 504 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,078 Hiya, love. I just wondered if you'd seen me husband anywhere. 505 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,396 Your husband? No. 506 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,273 Oh. Okay. Thank you. 507 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,994 - Today you went to the waterfalls? - Yeah. 508 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,839 - Did you enjoy? - Yeah, it was a nice day out. 509 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,351 I just seem to have lost me husband somewhere along the way. 510 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,120 Hmm. I can see much sadness in your eyes. 511 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:08,514 You what? 512 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,916 - I have a gift. - Have you now? 513 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,759 Well, that's very kind of you but I don't think I want it. 514 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:18,272 No, I have a gift. I can see deep into your soul. 515 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,791 - Really? - Oh, yes. 516 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,750 I can see you are not happy. 517 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,713 Bloody hell, you're good, aren't you? How did you work that one out? 518 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,230 Is it the lack of cartwheels I'm doing across the floor, 519 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,556 or was it just a lucky guess? 520 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,072 It's a crime to see such a beautiful woman alone. 521 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,755 I you need some company this evening I am here for you. 522 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:48,797 Yeah. Very flattering, I'm sure but I know all about you. 523 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:50,831 You're the type that sits in the cinema 524 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:55,079 with a box of popcorn on your lap with a hole cut out in the bottom. 525 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:04,238 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 526 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:14,989 (GASPS) 527 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,112 I'm sorry, love, I'm not very good with languages. 528 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:22,356 I know how to say "shut the window" in French. 529 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,552 If your husband is lost, he's unlucky. 530 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:30,038 If he chooses to stay away from such a beautiful woman, 531 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:31,798 then he is a fool 532 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,111 You are amazing. 533 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,199 I would love to find out if what the English are saying is true. 534 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,558 What are they saying? 535 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:47,275 That you can play many a good tune on the old piano. 536 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,199 "Old piano"? 537 00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:54,433 Perhaps I get the saying wrong? 538 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:56,597 -"Old"? - I think I need to get back to work. 539 00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,518 Yeah, I think you do. 540 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:02,913 - Is everything all right? - Fine. 541 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,553 As long as you don't mind one of your bar staff 542 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,115 being neutered in front of a bar full of holiday makers. 543 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,959 Oh, that one. You'd have to join the queue. 544 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:16,593 Are you finished in the bathroom, son? 545 00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:18,074 Nearly. 546 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,760 - I want to talk to you. - Yeah. 547 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,589 You've hardly said a word since you got back this afternoon. 548 00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:29,669 Just been fiddling with that phone of yours, beeping every five minutes. 549 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:30,995 Hang on. 550 00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:32,789 Son... 551 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:38,198 I want you to know I know how difficult it's been for you. 552 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:42,632 And I want you to know I'm so proud of you. 553 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,673 I just want you to be happy. 554 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:49,998 And if that means you being with a man 555 00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:54,717 and getting one of them civilised partnerships, 556 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,559 well, then I'll stick by you. 557 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:03,039 I just need to know one thing before I put me foot in it tonight. 558 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,835 (GARGLING) 559 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,713 Are you ready to come out, son? 560 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:13,750 I say, son, are you ready to come out? 561 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,393 Yes, I'm ready. 562 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,392 For God's sake, woman. 563 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:30,351 - You all right? - I'm so proud of you! 564 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,598 It's gonna be a wonderful night. 565 00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:42,680 We shouldn't have come out. 566 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,155 Don't be stupid. This is the first place he'll come. 567 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,840 Where's he been? What if he's still at the waterfalls? 568 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,157 He'll come back, tail between his legs, stinking of booze. 569 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:52,600 Men are all the same. 570 00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:55,439 I can't just sit here. It was me that told him to go away. 571 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,597 Mam, chill out. He'll turn up. 572 00:35:58,640 --> 00:35:59,994 Any sign of him, Mel? 573 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:01,155 No. 574 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,398 I've asked everywhere and nobody's seen him. 575 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,636 - Oh, God! - Well, it's not all bad news. 576 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:07,716 - No? 577 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:09,558 Apparently there's a singer on tonight. 578 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:10,750 (CHUCKLES) 579 00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:14,109 - Oh, come on, Martin. It was a joke. - Really? 580 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,436 Well, ha-bloody-ha. 581 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:18,517 (CHUCKLES) Should've seen your face, 582 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:22,873 creeping around naked with nothing but a terrified child to cover your modesty. 583 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:24,798 You're lucky the villagers haven't been outside the apartment 584 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,194 with burning torches. 585 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,197 Really? well, when they do turn up, 586 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,231 I'll point them to the person responsible, 587 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,159 the bride of Frankenstein. That means you. 588 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,639 Bride of Frankenstein? 589 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,195 Burning torches, villagers, 590 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,436 Frankenstein, it's a cinematic reference. 591 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:42,870 I don't get it. 592 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,072 Of course you don't get it, you're stupid. 593 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,036 - There's no need to be like that. - Really? 594 00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:51,549 A bit like there's no need to completely humiliate me 595 00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,479 - in front of all those people? - Stop moaning and get a sense of humour. 596 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:59,993 I will stop moaning if you stop being an annoying, uneducated, 597 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,270 malicious, loud-mouthed, 598 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:06,075 vulgar, short, irritating, 599 00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:09,318 unattractive, scouse twat! 600 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:11,956 (GASPS) 601 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:13,674 Unattractive? 602 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:16,359 Do you know, Martin, 603 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,312 you were on a promise tonight but I am warning you. 604 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,193 If I leave this table, I will not be short of male attention. 605 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:24,358 No, you'll just be short. 606 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:25,675 (SCOFFS) 607 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:28,753 You still here? 608 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:36,309 Cheers! 609 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,194 Good evening ladies and germs. 610 00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,038 ALL: (MUMBLING) Good evening. 611 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,470 I said, "Good evening ladies and germs." 612 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:45,273 ALL: Good evening. 613 00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:46,720 That's better. 614 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,593 Well, some of you may already know we have a fabulous singer 615 00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,358 here at Neptune's tonight, 616 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,438 Benidorm's favourite, Shaun Foster Conley. 617 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:59,111 But before that, we have an old friend of Neptune's 618 00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:03,598 who'd like to say a few words. Let's give it up for Noreen! 619 00:38:03,720 --> 00:38:05,313 (ALL APPLAUDING) 620 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:06,999 What's going on? 621 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:14,229 Thank you, love. 622 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,917 Ladies and gentlemen, 623 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:20,759 there have been many times in my life 624 00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,669 when I've been proud of my only son, 625 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,632 Geoff Maltby. 626 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:28,194 She's me PA. 627 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:33,269 His many achievements in life have been impressive and varied, 628 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:37,519 from Lancashire Indoor Hang Gliding Champion 629 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:40,200 to the only double winner 630 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:44,393 of the Ormskirk Meat Plate Pie-Eating Competition, 631 00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:48,400 without the need of hospitalisation. 632 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:49,555 (PEOPLE CHUCKLING) 633 00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,911 But these brave accomplishments 634 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:57,273 pale into insignificance when I tell you 635 00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:59,596 that tonight's the night 636 00:38:59,720 --> 00:39:04,032 he's finally decided to stand tall 637 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:07,073 and announce that he is 638 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,989 a wonderful, happy, proud, 639 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:12,997 gay man. 640 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:15,354 You what? 641 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,155 Well done, son. 642 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,069 And this one is for you. 643 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:27,150 (YMCA PLAYING) 644 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:39,591 there's no need to feel down 645 00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:43,350 pick yourself off the ground 646 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:47,235 'cause you're in a new town 647 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:51,638 648 00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,878 there's a place you can go 649 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,755 when you're short on your dough 650 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,669 and I'm sure you will find 651 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:07,112 652 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:12,831 653 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:17,830 654 00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:21,794 for you men to enjoy 655 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,833 656 00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:28,430 - No! - Hey, hey, hey. Sit down, gay boy. 657 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,994 Listen to your mama. 658 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,351 - - 659 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,233 660 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:36,555 661 00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,239 662 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:39,714 663 00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:40,796 664 00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:42,593 (GEOFF WHISPERING) 665 00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:44,472 (GEOFF'S MUM GRUNTS) 666 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,037 667 00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,593 668 00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,597 669 00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:57,112 670 00:40:57,240 --> 00:41:00,119 671 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,311 672 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,670 673 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,074 - - 674 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,713 675 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,471 676 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,471 (BRANDY CRYING) 677 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:20,280 - Watch where you're going! - Sorry! 678 00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:30,118 Excuse me, have you seen a short man with an orange face? 679 00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:32,390 - You what? - The man with the shop. 680 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:36,229 - It burned down. He owes me money. - I think he's in there. 681 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:38,673 Are you okay? 682 00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:41,352 Yeah, I'm fine. 683 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,551 You look sad. 684 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:45,633 I'm all right. 685 00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,399 Did you have a disagree with your boyfriend? 686 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,149 Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend. 687 00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,316 He's just a friend? 688 00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:58,478 (SCOFFS) He's probably not even that right now. 689 00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:02,795 - Do you think I'm unattractive? - No. 690 00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,152 Absolutely no. 691 00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:09,197 Then kiss me, you idiot. 692 00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:16,756 for you men to enjoy 693 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:21,511 694 00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,153 (NOREEN LAUGHS) 695 00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,717 (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) 696 00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:38,151 Noreen's tribute to her big, gay son, Geoff. 697 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,990 Congratulations, Geoff. We'll see you in the old town at some point. 698 00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,191 But moving right on, ladies and gentlemen, 699 00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,640 tonight's entertainment, 700 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,991 Mr Shaun Foster Conley! 701 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,758 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 702 00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,833 Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked by Mick Garvey 703 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:08,396 to sing this first song for his beautiful wife, Janice. 704 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:12,912 The message is, "Listen to the words, Jan, I love you so much." 705 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,559 (HERE IN MY HEART PLAYING) 706 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:30,433 707 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:37,079 708 00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:41,629 709 00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:48,598 710 00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:53,960 711 00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:59,758 712 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:05,998 - Have you got anywhere we can go? - My girlfriend, she is at home. 713 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:08,512 Come on. The beach. 714 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:20,116 715 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:27,390 716 00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:32,598 717 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:35,073 718 00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:39,159 He's playing with your emotions. You won't see him again tonight. 719 00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,430 Is dad not coming back, mam? 720 00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:47,197 721 00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:52,231 722 00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,192 - Dad! - JANICE: Mick! 723 00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,479 (EXCLAIMS) 724 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,832 Where have you been? 725 00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,839 I thought you'd had enough of me for one day 726 00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:04,519 so I made meself a bit scarce. 727 00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:08,554 - We've been worried about you. - I didn't mean to do that. I just... 728 00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:11,752 729 00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,719 I don't want you ever to get sick of the sight of me. 730 00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:17,751 Oh, don't be daft. 731 00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,311 I love you, Janice. 732 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,636 - I love you so much. - Oh. 733 00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:26,559 734 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:33,438