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[announcer] Ladies and gentleman,
and all you other motherfuckers,
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00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:19,436
get up off your ass
for the baddest bitch:
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00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,813
Amy Schumer!
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-[music playing]
-[cheers and applause]
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Yeah!
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What the fuck is up, Denver?!
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[cheers and applause]
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Thank you so much for coming out.
Oh, my God.
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This is such a big deal for me.
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I don't know if you guys know this,
but this past year,
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I've gotten very rich, famous and humble.
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[audience laughing]
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Thank you. Thank you.
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00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:16,409
And maybe you caught this.
I don't know who saw this.
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I tweeted out a photo of myself
wearing just underwear.
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Nothing but underwear.
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[cheering]
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Thank you, just the women.
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What the fuck?
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No!
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It's too late, sir.
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This could have been crumpled
on your floor in the morning, but no.
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00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:42,811
I like the idea of this being crumpled
on someone's floor.
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Having to put this back on
in the morning. Just, like...
25
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,775
[grunting]
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00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,988
And you're like, "Call me." And then--
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00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,033
Imagine doing a walk of shame
in this shit.
28
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You're like, "Hi. Taxi."
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00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:03,248
They're like, "Hmm.
30
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:05,834
That's an actual trash bag.
It looks like a Glad bag."
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00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:14,384
I feel like every comedian
needs a leather special.
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00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:17,220
Right? Every comic has some special
33
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,973
where they wear all leather,
and they regret it later.
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It's my fucking moment! Leather Special!
35
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,854
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
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Already regret it. Already regret it.
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Very overheated. Very overheated.
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So, I tweet out this photo of myself.
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I'm holding coffee. I'm topless
in just underwear, and it goes viral.
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It was everywhere, every news show,
every website,
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00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:50,211
and that's when I learned the word
you don't want people to use
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when a nude photo of you goes viral.
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"Brave."
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Um...
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Can you imagine? You take your clothes off
in front of someone for the first time,
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00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:09,147
and they're just like, "Damn!
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You look mad brave right now.
48
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Whoo-ee!
49
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:20,450
Shorty looks empowered!" Like, no!
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00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:25,413
As if I'm standing there,
like, "I am brave!"
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No, just fuck me.
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I am blacking out tonight.
I am blacking out tonight. Anybody?
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[cheers and applause]
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Who loves you?
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[speaks in childish gibberish]
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If you're a real winner, then you'll--
Has anyone ever blacked out
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and been awake
when they've come out of it?
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-[woman] Yes!
-Thank you! Thank you, sister!
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00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:58,488
It's cool
'cause it's like you're a time traveler.
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00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,074
You're just, like, back in your body,
like...
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00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:06,746
"What are people wearing now?"
And you just kind of keep moving.
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I, one time, in college-- thank you--
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I came out of a blackout,
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and there was a stranger
going down on me.
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00:04:21,719 --> 00:04:23,763
So, I was like, "Okay."
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00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,850
I decided to tap him gently.
67
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So as not to startle him, you know?
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"Sir!"
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00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:37,986
So--
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00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,990
'Cause I'm laying there, and I'm like,
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"What do I know about this guy
at this point, right?
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I know that he has brown hair.
73
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,544
And I know that he is a hero."
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00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,927
He's brave, okay?
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00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,097
He's brave,
and I'm gonna tell you why he's brave,
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and this does not leave this theater.
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And this does not leave your home.
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Here's why he's brave.
On my pussy's best day...
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It's not every day.
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00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,828
It's almost no day.
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00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:33,124
But, you know, you wake up,
you're having a good puss day.
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00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,710
And maybe you know
you're gonna have a visitor,
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00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:39,422
so in the shower,
you get very real in there, you know.
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You pull things back you don't usually.
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You kind of Minority Report
your own pussy.
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[grunting]
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You get in. It's like Stranger Things.
You just kind of get in.
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"Gotta find Barb, guys. She's in there."
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If you have access
to a detachable showerhead,
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guess what?
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I just want you guys to think that
that's how big my pussy is.
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Just like... hmm.
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00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,539
It's really like... hmm?
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After all of that...
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00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,802
on its already best day...
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00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,095
[groans]
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00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:31,516
my pussy smells...
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00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:38,314
like a small barnyard animal, okay?
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Small. Small.
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I didn't, like--
not like a big, fucked-up llama,
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00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:48,908
like, chewing and spitting
and reeking. No!
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Little. Like a goat. You just--
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00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,584
You buy the food pellets, you know,
and you feed it,
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and it's like...
And you're like, "Aah! he ate it."
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00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:10,638
You don't go like, "Eww!"
You go, "I want to get to a sink.
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Kind of soon.
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00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:16,436
Kind of soon would be good." [chuckles]
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'Cause it does smell.
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That's on its best day.
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On its worst day...
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after a blackout...
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ISIS.
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It's fucked up, guys.
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It's bad. And you know what? That's fine.
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That is the nature of a pussy. Right?
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We're so worried and ashamed.
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Our moms never sat us down
and said, "Okay, honey,
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one day, you're sometimes
gonna have homeless pussy.
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Lights out." Like, no.
120
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,361
They don't tell you.
121
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And that's just the fucking nature of it.
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And it's like, we're so embarrassed.
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I know some girls who won't let
anybody go down on them.
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They're just like, "No, I don't know
what's going on down there."
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I'm like, "What?"
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Like, I will forward your mail. Go.
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Head on down.
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Head on down to Puss Town. And--
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And if that's not your thing, fine,
you know?
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If I ever started dating a guy,
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00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,320
and he was like,
"You know what, it's not my thing,"
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I'd be like, "That's fine."
133
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And then I would invite him
to go hiking at Red Rocks,
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and I would push him
off a fucking mountain.
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Just...
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[imitates thud]
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00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,166
[imitates thuds]
138
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:09,465
Right? And then they come up,
and they go to kiss you, and you go...
139
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,675
"Oh!
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00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,720
No. Mm-mm.
141
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,641
[groaning]
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00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,270
Mm-mm.
143
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,898
I don't want to."
144
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Yeah, right. Me, I'm like... [groans]
145
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I love that shit, that's sexy.
146
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,700
That's hot. I'm like, "Mmm. Soup."
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00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:39,412
I...
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00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:44,083
Don't even. I see some of the girls,
just a couple, you guys are close.
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00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,167
They're like, "No..."
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00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,586
[muttering]
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00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:47,670
Yes.
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00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,342
I wish we were raised more like men.
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00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,054
Right? Just, like, here's an example
of how we're different.
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We're so worried about our pussies, right?
155
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:03,227
Have you ever had a guy
come in your mouth and go...
156
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,979
[inhales]
157
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:08,357
"Does it taste okay?
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00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,866
[whimpering]
159
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:23,873
I haven't been drinking a lot of water,
and I was a little worried."
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00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:26,292
[nervous muttering]
161
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:27,376
No!
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00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,379
That would never happen.
163
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,216
Because, men, you weren't raised
to hate yourselves.
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00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,677
You were raised, and your parents,
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00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,847
they're just like,
"Everything you do is a miracle."
166
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:45,394
And you're like,
"Yeah, everything I do is a miracle!"
167
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,566
And don't get me wrong, you guys.
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00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,276
We love your come.
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00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,945
Only complaint: We want more of it.
170
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,992
More, more, more.
We want to do snow angels in it.
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00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,285
Yay!
172
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:04,413
Yay!
173
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,208
Mmm.
174
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,422
Is there anything bad about come?
I can't think of anything.
175
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,383
Oh, wait, I just thought of something.
176
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:20,137
If you got even a drop of it
in your mouth,
177
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,640
the rest of the day, you're going...
178
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:24,433
[grunting and exhaling]
179
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,359
"I'm fine.
180
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:34,610
[retching]
181
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:38,155
I'm fine. I'm fine. [retches]
Keep the meeting going."
182
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,615
[grunts]
183
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,955
[gargling]
184
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,129
That is awful.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself...
185
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:56,424
on the big screens, doing shows.
186
00:11:57,758 --> 00:12:00,386
First of all, I'm like, "Who's that dude?"
187
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:01,679
Like, I seriously--
188
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,015
I have good self-esteem, I do.
189
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,934
But I'll catch a glimpse of myself
on the screen sometimes,
190
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:10,563
and I'm like, "I shouldn't be here.
I should be on a mound, going, like..."
191
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,316
You know?
192
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,989
[deep voice] "Good job, ladies.
193
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,993
One more, ladies."
194
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,834
Let me be real,
because I was doing an interview.
195
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,252
It was me and Bill Hader,
196
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:36,964
and the interviewer
was asking him hard-hitting questions
197
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:40,384
like,
"What are your favorite German beers?"
198
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:44,555
And then
he was asking me softballs like,
199
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,724
"What's it like to fuck you?"
200
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,106
And Bill was upset. He was like,
"You don't have to answer that, Amy."
201
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,859
And I was like,
"He's gonna find out anyway, Bill!
202
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,696
Shut up, Bill."
203
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:06,285
But I told him, and I will tell you guys
exactly what it's like to fuck me.
204
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:13,417
Have you ever seen somebody
standing on a box,
205
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,836
painted all silver, in a town square?
206
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,007
And you don't know
if they're alive or not.
207
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,101
But every once in a while, just, "Boop!"
You're like, "Oh, it's a person!"
208
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,229
That's what it's like to fuck me.
That's it.
209
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,690
Like a street performer mime
in a town square.
210
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,777
Except no one's ever given me a dollar.
211
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,365
I don't do shit.
212
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,700
I lay there. I either lay on my back,
213
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,495
like that,
or if I want to blow his fucking mind,
214
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,915
sometimes I lie on my stomach,
just like this.
215
00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,672
Comes right away.
216
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,513
Men deserve more credit.
217
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,557
They do, when it comes to sex.
218
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,475
We don't have to do anything.
219
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,479
You guys, men,
you have to work so hard to fuck us.
220
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:20,192
You have to get hard,
you have to stay hard,
221
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,570
and you have to go like this.
222
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:27,950
[grunting]
223
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:35,457
I feel like it would be funny
to do that longer, but it hurts.
224
00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:41,171
I can't believe you guys do that.
That sucks for you.
225
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,471
My boyfriend usually comes in me.
226
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,269
He usually comes in me,
but sometimes you want to mix it up.
227
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:56,353
You gotta have fun.
228
00:14:56,937 --> 00:15:00,107
We'll be having sex,
and then he'll ask my favorite question:
229
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,235
"Where should I come?"
230
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,783
First of all, I'm like,
"Thank you for thinking of me.
231
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:10,868
[chuckles] Like...
232
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,538
How did I even come up in your thoughts?"
233
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,623
And...
234
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,293
"Where should I come?"
235
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:22,212
As a comic,
I want to fuck around and be like,
236
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,506
"In this jar!" I'm just, like...
237
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,307
"Where should I come?"
238
00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:36,560
[belches]
239
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,062
What do you think?
240
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,483
What do you think?
There's three answers, right?
241
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,568
If you're lying on your back,
what are the three places?
242
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:45,778
-[man] Tits!
-[second man] Face.
243
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,613
-[woman] Butt!
-Yes.
244
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,782
She goes, "Your butt." What?
245
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:51,617
I'm laying here.
246
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:56,664
I just went over. I'm not
on the fucking Broncos or whatever.
247
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,582
I'm not in practice...
248
00:15:58,666 --> 00:15:59,750
[grunting]
249
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,424
"Your butt." You're so cute.
250
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,509
No!
251
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,763
He goes, "Your head."
What are you talking about?
252
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,099
Just... [imitates splat]
253
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,195
"I'm the prettiest girl in Colorado."
254
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:31,782
"Your head."
255
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,617
-No.
-[woman] Tits!
256
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,077
Yes.
257
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,037
Your tits.
258
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,790
Great answer. Your tits.
259
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:42,292
And you have to say it
like your psyched about it.
260
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:45,754
"Where should I come?"
You have to go, "My titties!"
261
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:58,267
And--
262
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,103
And he goes, "Are you sure?"
And you go...
263
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,439
"Uh-huh! Mm-hmm.
264
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:07,234
I love it. I love it."
265
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,654
I hate not having come on my tits.
I just--
266
00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:15,242
Walking around all day,
I'm at the bank, "Zero come on my tits.
267
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,326
Ohh."
268
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,414
My titties.
269
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:28,422
I also love the question
because of the confidence of it, right?
270
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:30,841
"Where should I come?"
271
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,968
I don't know about you guys.
272
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:37,890
I've never dated anyone
with American Sniper type accuracy.
273
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:43,979
Where I could be like, "Right here.
274
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,779
Hit the moving target."
275
00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,870
I'm like, "Okay, Katniss... Um..."
276
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:06,251
Now, most of the time--
tell me if this is true for you guys--
277
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,379
he's like, "All right, are you ready?
Are those titties ready?"
278
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,715
And you're like, "Mm-hmm."
279
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,511
He's like, "Here it comes."
280
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,222
[imitates dribbling sound]
281
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:31,443
Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just--
282
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,159
A second ago,
you were the most powerful man alive.
283
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,121
Now you're just the last boy
at a carnival
284
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,541
with a melting ice cream cone.
285
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:55,092
And, God, we don't care.
I've never been, like...
286
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,427
[whining voice]
"Well, you said you'd come on my titties."
287
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,638
We don't. No girl cares.
288
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,809
But then there's that move
289
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,019
where in a moment of desperation,
the guy will be like...
290
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,815
And they try to finger paint.
You're like, "No, no, no!
291
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:15,028
It didn't happen for you. We're closed."
292
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:23,996
Sometimes it happens.
For three seconds, that means you go...
293
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,956
"Yay!"
294
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,960
And then you just kind of look
at each other, like...
295
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:36,550
And if you're with a really sweet guy,
296
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,553
he'll go, "Babe, do you want me
to go get you a..."
297
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,180
[snoring]
298
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:51,064
You're like, "No, I got it.
You catch some much deserved shut-eye."
299
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:58,113
And then that's when we make the shelf.
300
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,120
Right, girls? That's what you do.
301
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,623
You don't want it to just fucking--
You don't want to--
302
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,210
So you block it and you walk it.
303
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,502
Mm-hmm.
304
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:23,639
It's the saddest shelf in the world.
305
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:27,601
And I've been to the Anne Frank House.
306
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:34,066
I'm a German Jew.
There used to be more of us.
307
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:37,653
So... what happened?
308
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,281
Oh, my God.
309
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,243
It's weird to have a boyfriend.
I've been on the road for so long.
310
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,036
I really like having a boyfriend.
311
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,914
I really love this guy.
I met him on a dating app.
312
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:52,542
Yeah. We met--
When I signed up, they were like,
313
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:55,212
"Congratulations.
You have a free lifetime membership."
314
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:59,132
And I was like,
"Well, that's discouraging."
315
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:00,676
Like, "What the fuck?"
316
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,555
When I met him, he was the first--
He's the only guy I met on there.
317
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,641
I liked him right away.
I really liked him.
318
00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:09,726
I was like,
"I'm gonna make this guy wait."
319
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,105
And I did. Like, all through dinner.
320
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,985
No, we didn't go to dinner. I--
321
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:24,199
I don't know. I don't have an adult
manning the ship.
322
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,035
There's no one like, "Mnh-mnh-mnh.
323
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,913
Not till date seven." I'm just--
324
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,793
If I want cake,
I'm like, "We're having cake today."
325
00:21:35,919 --> 00:21:39,214
If I'm wet, I'm like,
"Well, let's get a dick in there."
326
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,717
Just... [humming]
327
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,386
But I am a germophobe,
and that's why I told him,
328
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:47,639
before we did anything sexually,
"Look, just so you know,
329
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:51,351
I know for a fact
that I don't have any diseases left.
330
00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:57,607
They all burned out."
331
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,819
I was like, "What about you?"
332
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:03,613
And he was like,
"I've never been tested."
333
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:06,825
And I was like, "Oh, mysterious.
334
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,664
Is David Blaine in the house?"
335
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:16,877
We went to Paris.
336
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,921
I'd never been to France
because I'm trash.
337
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,173
And...
338
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,635
we went, and we were excited.
339
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:28,180
We've been together
under a year, so...
340
00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:33,185
we've been trying to keep it pretty sexy,
but we both got violent food poisoning.
341
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:36,938
Like, violent. So, yeah.
And we're not the couple that's like,
342
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,107
"I'm gonna go take a deuce, babe."
You know, like...
343
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:41,985
We're trying to keep it, like--
344
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:44,112
Under a year. We're still lying.
345
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:45,989
So--
346
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:53,038
So, our last night, after all week,
we're like, "Eiffel Tower--"
347
00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:54,539
just the biggest dickheads--
348
00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:59,628
we both get violent food poisoning,
and our hotel was one of the rooms
349
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:02,255
where we had one bathroom,
350
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:06,343
and it was the kind where, like,
the bed was right there,
351
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,428
then you're in the bathroom,
and if you went...
352
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:09,971
[soft grunt]
353
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,351
you would loudly hear it.
354
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:22,234
So, it hits him first.
And he's in there, just...
355
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:23,318
[retching]
356
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:29,241
And then,
the way it manifested itself in me...
357
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:37,499
is--
358
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,709
How do I say this and not be gross?
359
00:23:39,793 --> 00:23:41,670
I was in the bathroom just, like...
360
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:45,048
[imitating machine gun]
361
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,634
Machine-gun shitting out of my ass.
Just...
362
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:49,302
[imitating machine gun]
363
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:51,012
Violent diarrhea.
364
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:58,019
He... It's over. I'm yelling at him.
[imitating machine gun]
365
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,981
I'm like, "It was so cool dating you.
Good luck.
366
00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:04,776
You're gonna meet the greatest girl.
367
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:06,862
She's out there for you."
368
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,238
[imitating machine gun]
369
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:12,367
He's fucking puking.
370
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,786
He's putting his head where I was.
[imitating machine gun]
371
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:17,122
And this is puke. And it's--
372
00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:22,002
And then I thought I was just gonna be
the one, the shit one,
373
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:24,713
and he was the puke one,
but I'm in there, and I'm--
374
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:26,339
And then he hears me go, "Fuck!"
375
00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,383
And I grab the trash can, and I start...
376
00:24:28,466 --> 00:24:29,634
[retching]
377
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:33,847
All my holes.
Shit's coming out all my holes.
378
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:39,728
Then I realize there's holes in the bottom
of the trash can I'm puking in.
379
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,940
All over my knees.
380
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:48,987
So, I walk out of the bathroom,
and I'm like...
381
00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:54,701
I'm like, "Are you gonna propose
on this trip?"
382
00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:01,791
He's like, "No, I am not."
383
00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:05,295
Oh, God.
384
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,842
If you know me, you know
I'm on the NuvaRing for birth control.
385
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:13,970
That's my thing. It's easy,
I don't have to remember to take a pill.
386
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:16,806
Not that I ever have trouble doing that.
387
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:22,604
But the NuvaRing, if you don't know,
is this little latex thing
388
00:25:22,687 --> 00:25:24,231
you put in the back of your puss.
389
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,399
And then you take it out
every three weeks
390
00:25:26,483 --> 00:25:28,401
and just bleed all over the furniture.
391
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:32,447
Am I using it right? So...
392
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:35,951
I don't know why they won't sponsor me.
393
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:45,293
So, we're, like--
You can leave it in during sex.
394
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:47,837
But I wanted to take it out,
just, like, the thought of it.
395
00:25:49,005 --> 00:25:51,174
So, you got to get in there,
it's in the back.
396
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:53,802
So, he's right over me.
I'm like, "Hold on a sec."
397
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:56,680
And so, I stick my finger,
398
00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:58,890
and I try to scoop it
with my middle finger.
399
00:25:58,974 --> 00:26:01,101
And I shoot it up there,
400
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:05,272
and that's when I accidentally
went knuckle-deep with my ring finger
401
00:26:05,355 --> 00:26:06,606
into my own asshole.
402
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:12,320
I shrieked. I went...
403
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:13,905
[screams]
404
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:25,542
And he went, "What?"
And I went, "I put my finger in my butt."
405
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:32,465
And he was like, "Can anybody do that?"
I was like, "No!
406
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,429
I'm not opening up
a conversation about this."
407
00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:41,433
The mystery is over.
408
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:43,727
We made it through that.
409
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:45,687
I don't know
why I'm on birth control anymore.
410
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:48,440
You guys know that there's now
a male birth control pill.
411
00:26:48,523 --> 00:26:49,607
Do you know this?
412
00:26:50,817 --> 00:26:53,862
They're still testing it,
but I want him to go on it immediately.
413
00:26:56,031 --> 00:27:00,702
I just can't imagine that era, though,
of guys, like--
414
00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:02,245
Imagine you go home with a guy
415
00:27:02,912 --> 00:27:06,207
and you're gonna have sex with him,
and you get a condom out of your purse,
416
00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:07,709
and he just goes...
417
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:08,793
"Oh.
418
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:10,712
No.
419
00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:14,257
It's cool.
420
00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:16,926
I'm on the pill."
421
00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:18,261
"What?
422
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:21,639
You're on what?"
423
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,353
His phone alarm goes off.
He's like, "Excuse me."
424
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:37,238
Pop. No.
425
00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:40,408
[sighs] God.
426
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:44,454
Yeah, I'm all good.
I'm so happy to be in this relationship.
427
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:47,624
The only problem is
I'm not the girl who's like,
428
00:27:47,707 --> 00:27:49,959
"Yeah, like, ever since
we've been together,
429
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,003
I've just kind of chilled with drinking."
430
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,964
If anything, it's skyrocketed. Like--
431
00:27:55,882 --> 00:27:57,967
Yeah, I still black out on the reg.
432
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:03,473
I know it's not cool. It sucks because,
for years, I've been blacking out,
433
00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:05,767
and I'll just be by myself,
and I fart in a pillow,
434
00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:07,352
but now there's a witness.
435
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,271
I got a witness.
436
00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:12,565
It sucks.
437
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:15,527
So, I blacked out the other night.
438
00:28:16,152 --> 00:28:20,657
You know how I do.
Just a little wine, edibles.
439
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:22,909
I'm like,
"This is missing something. Xanax."
440
00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:26,746
Very dangerous. Do not recommend. Okay?
441
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:28,790
But I have a very sophisticated palate.
442
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:30,375
So...
443
00:28:32,001 --> 00:28:35,088
I black out.
And I just wake up in the morning.
444
00:28:35,171 --> 00:28:41,094
I don't even look at him,
but I can feel that he hates me.
445
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:45,432
You know that feeling?
It's like, "What's that in the air?"
446
00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:46,516
[inhales]
447
00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:48,977
It's rage and it's all directed at me,
so...
448
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:55,066
I was like, "I'm gonna play stupid."
I just roll over, and I'm just...
449
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:58,153
"Mmm! Morning!
450
00:28:58,236 --> 00:28:59,320
[giggling]
451
00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:05,201
So, should we list all the things
that we're grateful for?
452
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:09,038
I'm grateful for you."
453
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:10,373
[giggles]
454
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:12,959
And he just stares at me. He's just...
455
00:29:13,501 --> 00:29:16,045
"Well... okay."
456
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:18,631
I'm like, "Okay,
what did I get into last night?
457
00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:22,260
Did I just, like, say my prayers
and go to sleep?"
458
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:23,386
[giggles]
459
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:25,972
Ding! He's like, "No."
460
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:27,891
Okay.
461
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:32,312
"Did I give you a surprise blowjob?"
462
00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:37,358
I like the idea of, like, "Blowjob?"
463
00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:40,069
A girl who doesn't know how
to do the blowjob symbol.
464
00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,327
What?
465
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:54,167
And he's like, "Ame, any blowjob
would be a huge surprise at this point."
466
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:59,422
And I don't want you guys to think
I'm not giving. I love going down on him.
467
00:29:59,506 --> 00:30:01,007
I think you've got to go down.
468
00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:03,510
Go down. I love it.
I love him, I love doing it.
469
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:10,600
But there are guys who you go down
for 90 seconds, and they're, like...
470
00:30:10,683 --> 00:30:12,602
[splat]
And you're like, "Still got it."
471
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:13,770
And then...
472
00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:21,694
There are guys like my boyfriend,
where if I want to blow him to completion,
473
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:25,615
it takes between ten and 12 years.
474
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:31,371
And in my twenties,
I'd roll up my sleeves, crack my--
475
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:32,455
[imitates bones cracking]
476
00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:33,748
You know, I have a--
477
00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:34,874
All right.
478
00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:38,127
[singing practice notes]
479
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:42,924
Red leather, yellow leather.
480
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:49,097
I don't even know that girl anymore.
481
00:30:49,180 --> 00:30:50,723
She is gone.
482
00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:52,767
That girl gone.
483
00:30:55,812 --> 00:30:57,230
I go down for a while, though.
484
00:30:57,313 --> 00:31:01,442
I went down on him very recently,
and he yawned.
485
00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:06,072
[yawns]
486
00:31:06,155 --> 00:31:08,950
I'm like, "If there's a God, he'll put
a dick right in your mouth now."
487
00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:10,326
Gong!
488
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,876
If I'm down there long enough
that you're yawning, guess what?
489
00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:19,335
♪ I'm coming up ♪
490
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:21,963
[humming]
491
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:24,048
Fuck you.
492
00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:27,552
I'm so fun to date.
493
00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:31,097
So, I'm like, "Okay,
what did I do when I blacked out?"
494
00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:34,392
He goes, "Okay. What you did
495
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:39,022
was you started pounding Ritz Crackers."
496
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,820
I'm like,
"I'm sure I wasn't pounding them."
497
00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:50,950
He's like, "You looked
like a contestant on a reality show."
498
00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:54,495
Okay.
499
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:58,207
Then he said I started
on the other sleeve.
500
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:01,544
And this is an exact quote.
501
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:07,091
He said that I was "using butter
as if it were guacamole."
502
00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:09,719
Just, "Mmm."
503
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:20,313
Just slack-jawed, dead-eyed butter-eating.
504
00:32:23,691 --> 00:32:27,195
Then he said that I tried to make
two frozen pizzas at once,
505
00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:30,740
because I wanted to eat them
like a hamburger.
506
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,998
And he said that he was like,
"Ame, what are you doing?"
507
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,417
And I accused him of judging me.
508
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:44,796
I was like, "You're judging me!"
Chasing him around the apartment.
509
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:51,094
And then he said I got in bed,
and I stacked all of the pillows,
510
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:52,804
four pillows on my side,
511
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:55,223
and I put my head right on top.
512
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:58,476
And he went,
"Amy, we each get two pillows."
513
00:32:58,559 --> 00:33:01,229
And I went, "Not tonight, motherfucker!"
514
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,440
[snoring]
515
00:33:07,568 --> 00:33:10,863
♪ Isn't she lovely ♪
516
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:14,200
Hey, thank you.
517
00:33:15,368 --> 00:33:17,286
Oh, God.
518
00:33:17,370 --> 00:33:19,205
Soon, it'll be just us.
519
00:33:24,043 --> 00:33:27,171
Oh, my God.
I really love his whole family.
520
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:29,549
No bullshit. They're from the Midwest.
521
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:34,012
Yeah. The happiest people.
The happiest people.
522
00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:37,223
I mean, in L.A.,
I feel like they pretend.
523
00:33:37,306 --> 00:33:39,183
Everyone's like, "I'm doing great,"
524
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:41,978
and you're like, "Stay away from cliffs."
525
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:47,108
But in the Midwest,
they're just so psyched.
526
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:49,277
And his mom is the happiest person
I've ever met.
527
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:53,573
Her name is Deb,
and Deb is just the happiest person.
528
00:33:53,656 --> 00:33:57,243
She gets everything wrong.
She'll be like, "We took a U-ber here."
529
00:33:59,495 --> 00:34:00,621
I'm like, "What?"
530
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:04,625
She's like, "I like that boy.
What's his name? Seeth Rogen?"
531
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,628
I'm like,
"That's absolutely no one's name."
532
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,423
Everywhere she walks,
533
00:34:10,506 --> 00:34:13,176
it looks like she was called out
as a contestant on The Price Is Right.
534
00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:16,512
She's just, "Whoo!"
535
00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:21,601
I lucked out, though.
I promise you I love her.
536
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:24,562
I'm not complaining.
I feel like I really lucked out
537
00:34:24,645 --> 00:34:26,397
because a lot of the guys I've dated,
538
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,900
their moms have had a vibe with them
where they're like,
539
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:30,860
"Ohh.
540
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:33,821
I wanted to fuck my son.
541
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,615
[groaning]
542
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,455
No, it's fine. You kids have fun.
543
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:45,333
I just always thought
we'd wind up together. I don't know."
544
00:34:49,670 --> 00:34:51,923
And as the girl, you have to act
like it's not happening.
545
00:34:52,006 --> 00:34:53,508
Like, a stutter. You have to be, like...
546
00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:01,057
So, I know what you guys are thinking
this part of the night.
547
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:05,103
You're like,
"Amy, well, you're really well-read."
548
00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:07,105
Um...
549
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:10,900
And I am. Look.
550
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:13,319
"Wine."
551
00:35:15,822 --> 00:35:19,867
And I don't think I'm any better now.
You guys, I hope you know.
552
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:24,080
Like, I know I am trash from Long Island.
I have a lower-back tattoo
553
00:35:24,163 --> 00:35:27,792
that is raised and crooked,
and it doesn't mean anything,
554
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:30,878
and I have been fingered by a cab driver.
555
00:35:33,172 --> 00:35:35,091
At my request.
556
00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:42,849
Constantly reminded,
anything good or fancy that happens,
557
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:46,227
I get brought down to Earth right quick.
558
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,815
Anything.
Like, our TV show won a Peabody Award,
559
00:35:50,898 --> 00:35:54,944
which I didn't even know what that was.
Very high, very fancy.
560
00:35:55,528 --> 00:35:58,406
It's for people in media
making a difference. It's a big deal.
561
00:35:58,489 --> 00:36:03,202
And the other people there
were people like the Ebola fighters,
562
00:36:04,203 --> 00:36:06,372
and Malala,
563
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,750
and our show,
564
00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:11,127
and...
565
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:17,550
so, we go, and we're like,
"Okay. Thank you for including us."
566
00:36:17,633 --> 00:36:22,555
And at the beginning of the awards,
they showed a little clip
567
00:36:23,264 --> 00:36:25,600
of each person's project.
568
00:36:29,562 --> 00:36:33,024
And you don't know
what they're gonna choose.
569
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:36,944
And so, first, they show a clip
570
00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:39,155
of the Ebola fighters in the suits,
571
00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:43,326
this documentary where they go in
and they're saving lives,
572
00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:46,412
the bravest people in the word.
And then Malala.
573
00:36:46,495 --> 00:36:48,289
Like, Malala-ing, you know?
574
00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:51,083
And then...
575
00:36:52,084 --> 00:36:53,878
they show a clip of our show.
576
00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:59,425
We're like, "What are they gonna choose?
We've done so much for so many."
577
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:08,309
The clip they chose was me
taking a giant bite out of a burger,
578
00:37:09,101 --> 00:37:12,521
going, "I'm gonna go make some room,"
and walking to the toilet.
579
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:23,950
It was Malala being fitted
for a glass eye.
580
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:27,912
And then me like, "I'm gonna take
a violent dump. You guys good?"
581
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:33,709
The July that Trainwreck came out,
582
00:37:34,835 --> 00:37:39,548
two girls named Mayci Breaux
and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed
583
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,218
at the movie theater
when they went to see my movie.
584
00:37:42,301 --> 00:37:46,973
And the feeling of putting something out
and being excited,
585
00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:50,601
and then finding out that
these two beautiful, amazing, smart women
586
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:53,896
who just wanted to have a good time,
went and got murdered
587
00:37:54,772 --> 00:37:56,857
was crushing and...
588
00:37:57,525 --> 00:38:00,861
Yeah, and I just wanted
to do something about it.
589
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:02,655
I knew nothing about gun violence,
590
00:38:02,738 --> 00:38:07,702
and I found out that the guy who shot them
was severely mentally ill
591
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,746
and a domestic abuser.
592
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:14,292
And I was like, "Well, okay.
Why could he get a gun?"
593
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:19,297
I wasn't educated. But I found out
that if you are severely mentally ill
594
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:22,174
or have been convicted
of domestic violence,
595
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:26,178
there are loopholes
where it's not that hard to get a firearm.
596
00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:30,516
And I was like, "Well, I really want
to help make it more difficult
597
00:38:30,599 --> 00:38:35,813
for people who are severely mentally ill
or domestic abusers--"
598
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:37,189
[cheers and applause]
599
00:38:38,649 --> 00:38:39,900
Thank you.
600
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:44,071
I believe in the right to bear arms.
Second Amendment, yes.
601
00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:45,823
I've been friends with gun owners.
602
00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:50,036
But what I learned was,
no matter what you say,
603
00:38:50,661 --> 00:38:52,872
as soon as you say the word "gun,"
604
00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:58,169
what gun nuts hear is just,
"You want to take all our guns!
605
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,762
That shifty G wants our guns!"
606
00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:14,310
I'm like, "No, you seem great.
You should get more guns."
607
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:17,980
Let's get this guy more guns, right?
608
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:23,694
"Our Amendment!"
You're like, "Okay, okay."
609
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:26,572
"The government wants my house!"
610
00:39:26,655 --> 00:39:29,408
I'm like, "You don't have a house.
You live in a trailer with no windows.
611
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,410
What are you talking about?"
612
00:39:32,495 --> 00:39:35,706
And then I found out--
and you guys probably already know this--
613
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:38,334
that if you're
on the terrorist watch list--
614
00:39:38,417 --> 00:39:43,255
like, not just the no-fly list,
but the straight-up terrorist watch list--
615
00:39:43,839 --> 00:39:45,800
you can easily get a gun.
616
00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:49,553
And so, that same guy is like,
617
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:51,972
"Get out of our country, foreigner!
618
00:39:55,559 --> 00:40:01,148
But while you're here, please,
enjoy our firearms legally."
619
00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:12,701
If you're blind--
620
00:40:17,957 --> 00:40:23,546
If you're blind as a fucking bat,
you can walk into a gun store,
621
00:40:25,214 --> 00:40:26,257
hopefully.
622
00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:33,514
There's more gun stores than Starbucks
and McDonald's combined in our country,
623
00:40:33,597 --> 00:40:35,433
so your chances are good.
624
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:37,601
You walk in,
625
00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:40,271
and you go, "I want a gun!"
And they go, "We're over here."
626
00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,647
Then you go, "Oh, okay."
627
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:48,237
"I'll take it."
628
00:40:48,988 --> 00:40:51,615
And they go, "That's the phone."
You go, "Oh. Well..."
629
00:40:53,117 --> 00:40:55,911
Like, all about equal rights
for the disabled,
630
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:58,164
but if Stevie Wonder calls me
and he's like,
631
00:40:58,914 --> 00:41:01,959
"You want to go shooting today?"
I'm gonna be like, "Hard pass."
632
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:09,550
The thing you look through to aim
is called a "sight!"
633
00:41:11,802 --> 00:41:13,262
But you don't need that.
634
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:16,015
They get a gun.
635
00:41:16,098 --> 00:41:22,146
So I'm like, "Okay. I would love it--
Can we just work on not giving guns
636
00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:27,818
to mentally ill terrorists
who are blind and beat their wives?"
637
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,115
"What?!
638
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:37,536
What's next?
You want us to fuck animals?"
639
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:39,914
I'm like, "I've been fucking animals
my whole life, sir."
640
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:44,668
And you know what?
I totally hear you guys.
641
00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:49,673
You're like, "Schumer, you were talking
about come all over your tits.
642
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:53,177
Now we have to listen to this shit?"
643
00:41:53,260 --> 00:42:00,017
But what's crazy is that you can catch
a hot load all over your titties
644
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:04,313
and still not want your loved ones
to get shot in a theater.
645
00:42:04,396 --> 00:42:05,981
[cheers and applause]
646
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:16,367
You know what?
647
00:42:17,743 --> 00:42:19,411
I don't know if you guys noticed,
648
00:42:19,495 --> 00:42:25,292
but I am what Hollywood calls "very fat."
649
00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:30,589
No, you guys know. You know me.
650
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:34,843
I feel very good in my own skin.
I feel strong. I feel healthy.
651
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:36,762
[cheers and applause]
652
00:42:36,845 --> 00:42:39,431
I do. I feel sexy.
653
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:46,105
Also, like, my dad has MS
and is in a wheelchair.
654
00:42:46,188 --> 00:42:48,691
And it's, like, I'm just so psyched
I can fucking move.
655
00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:51,360
I'm just like, "Fuck you."
How are you gonna complain?
656
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:55,447
[mutters] How do I get rid--"
Shut the fuck up!
657
00:42:55,531 --> 00:42:57,116
You're alive.
658
00:43:00,327 --> 00:43:02,413
You can move and we feel good.
659
00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:06,166
And, you know, I bought into it,
660
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:08,669
because when I was doing
my first movie, Trainwreck,
661
00:43:08,752 --> 00:43:11,338
before I did anything,
somebody explained to me,
662
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:13,924
they were like, "Just so you know, Amy,
no pressure.
663
00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:18,679
But if you weigh over 140 pounds,
it will hurt people's eyes."
664
00:43:22,933 --> 00:43:24,935
And I was like... [groans]
665
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:28,022
I just bought it.
I was like, "Okay, I'm new to town."
666
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:29,982
And so, I lost weight,
667
00:43:30,065 --> 00:43:34,612
and I think you should feel healthy
and take care of yourself.
668
00:43:34,695 --> 00:43:38,282
But I don't believe in, like,
crash dieting or starving yourself.
669
00:43:38,365 --> 00:43:39,908
Like, get the fuck out of here.
670
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:43,954
No. Let's just, you know--
It's just not right.
671
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:47,708
Yeah, so, thank God
I look very stupid skinny.
672
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:52,671
My dumb head stays the same size.
673
00:43:54,506 --> 00:43:56,342
But then my body shrivels,
674
00:43:56,425 --> 00:44:01,055
and I just look like a Thanksgiving
parade float of Tonya Harding.
675
00:44:01,138 --> 00:44:02,431
I'm just like, "Hi!"
676
00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:07,478
Nobody likes it. It's not cute on me.
677
00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:09,355
So, I, like, gained all this weight back.
678
00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:12,483
I just revenge-ate as soon
as the movie was over.
679
00:44:12,566 --> 00:44:14,652
I was just, "I couldn't have pizza.
I couldn't have--"
680
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:18,447
Like, everything. And I got worried,
because it gets in your head,
681
00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:21,992
just everything on television and movies
and magazines and the Internet.
682
00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:26,246
All the women are just beautiful,
like, little skeletons with tits,
683
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:28,248
and you're just, like--
684
00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:33,545
All day I'm looking at the Hadid sisters
and, like, those Jenner things,
685
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:35,005
and you're just, like...
686
00:44:37,299 --> 00:44:38,967
And I got worried. I gained weight.
687
00:44:39,051 --> 00:44:41,679
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
Are men gonna still be attracted to me?"
688
00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,723
And that's when I remembered--
I always forget this--
689
00:44:44,807 --> 00:44:46,767
it's another reason I love men so much.
690
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,687
Men, each day, have a thought
that goes through their head
691
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:51,855
where they're, like...
692
00:44:52,981 --> 00:44:57,945
"I don't know why, but I want to put
my penis right in your butthole."
693
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:02,825
A couple times a day, someone walks by.
694
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:04,118
"Huh."
695
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:05,369
You know, just...
696
00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:10,541
They're like, "Look,
it doesn't make sense to me, either,
697
00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:12,084
but I know for a fact
698
00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:16,964
I want to take the most sensitive,
intimate part of myself
699
00:45:17,881 --> 00:45:22,094
and just, like, ram it right
where you poop. Just, like, ram it!"
700
00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:24,346
[grunting]
701
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:30,185
They're thinking that,
and I'm over here like,
702
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:32,688
"Oh, should I get highlights?"
703
00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:33,856
Like...
704
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:38,569
He doesn't care!
705
00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:42,739
He doesn't care.
706
00:45:44,783 --> 00:45:48,912
"Honey, do you like my new nail color?
It's ballet slipper."
707
00:45:49,955 --> 00:45:52,541
"I would fuck you if your head
was a ballet slipper.
708
00:45:52,624 --> 00:45:54,334
I don't care."
709
00:45:56,545 --> 00:45:59,506
We work so hard,
and they don't fucking care.
710
00:46:00,507 --> 00:46:02,134
Isn't that a relaxing thought?
711
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:07,014
Like, not anal.
But, like, men will fuck us, you know?
712
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:11,268
If they fuck us, they will come.
713
00:46:11,351 --> 00:46:15,814
It's a beautiful, easy sweatshirt
that's available on my--
714
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:17,024
No, I'm just kidding.
715
00:46:18,817 --> 00:46:21,904
I am the shittiest famous person, okay?
716
00:46:21,987 --> 00:46:23,572
I'm a shitty famous person.
717
00:46:23,655 --> 00:46:27,117
Yes, I know. I always--
I can't believe it's still going on.
718
00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:29,536
I say what I mean. I dress like garbage.
719
00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:32,289
Like, my sister and I...
And I tried really hard.
720
00:46:32,372 --> 00:46:34,833
I'm like, "Okay, like, let's do our best
721
00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:38,587
and tape it up
and spackle it down and..."
722
00:46:38,670 --> 00:46:39,713
[groans]
723
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:45,177
But after I leave here, I will look like
a newly homeless person very quickly.
724
00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:48,514
Very quickly, trust me.
725
00:46:48,597 --> 00:46:52,851
My sister dresses the same,
but they'll still write about us
726
00:46:53,477 --> 00:46:55,062
as if we're the Kardashians.
727
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:59,149
They'll be like,
"The Schumer sisters stepped out today.
728
00:47:01,777 --> 00:47:05,280
Amy opted for performance fleece...
729
00:47:07,658 --> 00:47:10,869
and a pleather jacket from Forever 21."
730
00:47:12,746 --> 00:47:14,748
And my favorite thing
they ever wrote was,
731
00:47:14,831 --> 00:47:19,795
"And Kim chose to wear
a bright red-and-gold beanie
732
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,797
to add to her ensemble."
733
00:47:24,341 --> 00:47:26,051
It was a Gryffindor hat.
734
00:47:26,134 --> 00:47:29,179
Like, look at this.
It's a fucking Gryffindor hat.
735
00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:36,019
The most disappointing people
ever to be photographed.
736
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:38,188
Look at this.
It looks like we were moving,
737
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:41,733
and we ran out of bags,
738
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,027
so we're like, "Let's just wear it all.
739
00:47:44,945 --> 00:47:49,908
We'll just wear it all. Never a bra.
Never a problem."
740
00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:53,120
Look at my sister's shoe game.
Can you check this out?
741
00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,583
Ballet flats from Payless.
742
00:47:59,001 --> 00:48:01,962
Handamp;M zebra pants. What's up?
743
00:48:02,045 --> 00:48:03,964
What's up now, Internet?
744
00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:09,511
They photographed me once,
and this was the headline:
745
00:48:09,595 --> 00:48:14,182
"Schumer buys pastry
so she can work out."
746
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:17,185
Kind of mean, right?
747
00:48:18,061 --> 00:48:19,980
No, they hit the nail
right on the fucking head.
748
00:48:20,063 --> 00:48:21,565
That's what I do to work out.
749
00:48:22,316 --> 00:48:25,193
That's what I do. Before I work out,
I go buy a scone,
750
00:48:25,277 --> 00:48:27,863
and then I slowly walk
around a reservoir, and I eat it.
751
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:30,324
My workouts are like a woman in hospice.
752
00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:35,662
Just, like, nibbling on a baked good,
looking at the trees and the birds.
753
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:36,747
"Mmm."
754
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,417
I'm so disappointing to them
as a famous person
755
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:43,337
that they'll try to make it sound sexier
than it is.
756
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:47,132
They're like, "Schumer flaunting her legs
in teeny-tiny shorts."
757
00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:50,052
And you guys have eyes.
758
00:48:50,135 --> 00:48:53,513
You understand that
that is not available to me.
759
00:48:55,265 --> 00:49:00,145
Like, there's no separation
between church and state up here, okay?
760
00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:04,232
This area does not--
761
00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:08,403
There's no-- It's not happening.
762
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,156
I didn't even know what a thigh gap was.
763
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:14,826
I was like, "Is that like the wage gap?
Do we need to rally against this?"
764
00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:18,455
Since I'm ten years old,
I can't wear tiny shorts.
765
00:49:18,538 --> 00:49:21,249
If I take one step,
all the material shoots up my pussy.
766
00:49:21,333 --> 00:49:23,126
I have to pull it out like a magician.
767
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:26,296
A fucking dove. Just, like, "Fly!"
768
00:49:28,757 --> 00:49:31,259
I have to lather deodorant in my crotch,
769
00:49:31,343 --> 00:49:33,970
so I don't chafe to the point
of bleeding out.
770
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,601
Right here is when my thighs
stop touching for the first time.
771
00:49:39,685 --> 00:49:42,104
Together. Apart. Together.
772
00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:44,564
Apart. Together. Apart.
773
00:49:46,525 --> 00:49:50,904
The fucking teeny-tiny shorts. Fuck you!
774
00:49:53,407 --> 00:49:54,700
Fuck you.
775
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:58,078
I got photographed paddleboarding,
standup paddleboarding, which--
776
00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:00,956
Can we all just agree
to stop pretending like that's fun?
777
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,750
What do we-- Just what?
778
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,504
"Would you like the sensation
of being in a canoe,
779
00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:12,008
without the comfort of a seat
or the safety of sides?"
780
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:15,387
"No."
781
00:50:16,722 --> 00:50:19,850
"Have you often wondered what it's like
to work on a gondola?"
782
00:50:22,561 --> 00:50:24,521
"I can't say that I have. No."
783
00:50:25,355 --> 00:50:28,191
The picture of me,
I didn't even recognize myself
784
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,068
because, obviously,
I don't suck in anyway.
785
00:50:30,152 --> 00:50:31,445
It was just, like--
786
00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:36,158
I looked at it, and I was like,
"Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is alive...
787
00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:39,119
and loves water sports!
788
00:50:39,202 --> 00:50:40,954
Fuck, yeah," you know?
789
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:42,622
I was so psyched.
790
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:44,958
Honestly, the only thing
that gets me through the night,
791
00:50:45,041 --> 00:50:48,211
the only thing,
is that I believe in my heart
792
00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,464
that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me.
793
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:53,175
Now, no one else believes me,
794
00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:56,011
especially not him.
795
00:50:56,094 --> 00:50:57,345
But I believe it.
796
00:50:58,847 --> 00:51:00,348
I believe it in my heart.
797
00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:04,102
Now, maybe you're like, "Bradley Cooper
doesn't really do it for me."
798
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:06,313
Hmm. Shut the fuck up.
799
00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:09,566
Yes, he does. He's the kind of hot
800
00:51:09,649 --> 00:51:12,194
where when you see him,
you don't even mean to,
801
00:51:12,277 --> 00:51:14,821
but your body just, like, pivots around.
802
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,073
And you just, like, grab your toes.
803
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,867
You're just like, "Okay."
804
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,916
By the way,
that's as far down as I can go.
805
00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:28,376
That's it.
806
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:30,837
Look, we got a little more.
But I'm kind of tilted.
807
00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:36,384
He's the kind of hot
where when he's talking to you,
808
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:37,886
all your holes get wet.
809
00:51:37,969 --> 00:51:40,263
You're just like, "What?
810
00:51:40,347 --> 00:51:41,681
Why here?" Like...
811
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:46,436
His eyes change color and shit, you guys.
812
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,731
So, he's talking to me at this event,
813
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:53,235
and I don't even think I'm registering
as a sexual person to him,
814
00:51:53,318 --> 00:51:56,404
because I'm thinking of myself
like I'm on a mound, you know?
815
00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:57,489
And...
816
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:02,702
I'm just like, "Sick party, right, Coop?"
Like, I'm not--
817
00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:06,540
I'm trying to help him get out
of the conversation with me.
818
00:52:06,623 --> 00:52:07,707
I'm like, "Okay."
819
00:52:07,791 --> 00:52:11,795
Because all these gorgeous girls
are around, just foaming at the mouth,
820
00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:13,672
just like,
"Oh, let me at that dick hole."
821
00:52:13,755 --> 00:52:14,923
And...
822
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,969
And I tried to get him out of it.
I'm like, "All right. Have a good night."
823
00:52:19,052 --> 00:52:22,264
And he's like, "Wait, Amy.
It's really good to see you.
824
00:52:22,347 --> 00:52:23,348
Let's hang out."
825
00:52:28,103 --> 00:52:30,272
I'm like, "Okay...
826
00:52:32,274 --> 00:52:34,442
my new boyfriend."
827
00:52:36,027 --> 00:52:37,654
Fully went there. And then...
828
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:42,284
Then we talk a little more,
and then 20 minutes go by, and I'm like,
829
00:52:42,367 --> 00:52:44,953
"Okay, I'm gonna grab my seat."
And he grabs my wrist.
830
00:52:45,036 --> 00:52:48,540
He goes,
"Wait. It's, like, really good to see you.
831
00:52:48,623 --> 00:52:51,334
Why don't we, like,
spend some time together?"
832
00:52:56,006 --> 00:52:58,133
[humming "Bridal Chorus"]
833
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:03,263
I, like, put my napkin over my head.
I was like, "I do!"
834
00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:05,807
I called my friends from high school
on the way home.
835
00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:08,768
I'm like, "Take me out of your phone.
I'm with Bradley now.
836
00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:13,064
I'm at a new level,
and you're not coming with me.
837
00:53:14,190 --> 00:53:15,400
You're out!"
838
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:20,322
And then the next night,
I'm doing a show in Reno, Nevada,
839
00:53:20,405 --> 00:53:21,990
because you can have it all.
840
00:53:24,576 --> 00:53:27,245
And I'm watching
the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
841
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:30,040
And they're like,
"And here's Bradley Cooper."
842
00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:31,958
And I'm like, "Hi, baby."
843
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:35,837
And they're like,
"And here is his girlfriend."
844
00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:39,341
And I'm like, "But I'm his girlfriend."
845
00:53:40,550 --> 00:53:43,595
It turns out I am not his girlfriend.
846
00:53:44,554 --> 00:53:49,434
He is dating an actual angel
named Irina Shayk.
847
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:52,896
She's a supermodel.
She doesn't resemble a person at all.
848
00:53:52,979 --> 00:53:57,525
It looks like if a panther
fucked a gazelle...
849
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:04,074
and then, like, they fucked Gisele...
850
00:54:05,909 --> 00:54:08,453
and just shot out the hottest piece of ass
you've ever seen.
851
00:54:08,536 --> 00:54:12,582
She doesn't walk.
She, like, slinks around. And she's--
852
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:14,876
The way she talks, she's like,
853
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:19,839
"I'm from nine hours by dogsled
outside Moscow."
854
00:54:24,761 --> 00:54:28,098
She can only see
through the tops of her eyes.
855
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:30,350
[moaning]
856
00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:34,771
She's so fucking hot.
857
00:54:34,854 --> 00:54:38,149
You can just tell that she's always wet,
like, the way she moves.
858
00:54:38,233 --> 00:54:40,443
Like, once a boyfriend brought out lube,
and she's like,
859
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:43,488
"I laugh at your lube, Bradley!"
860
00:54:47,325 --> 00:54:51,121
And I'm just watching this
in fucking Reno.
861
00:54:53,665 --> 00:54:54,958
I'm like, "Bradley?
862
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:58,003
Bradley, it's me!"
863
00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:02,382
Like, I was thinking I was gonna be
rolling around on a beach with him.
864
00:55:02,465 --> 00:55:05,385
And, I don't know, is this me?
Is that my ass?
865
00:55:07,178 --> 00:55:09,514
I know we have--
Definitely, there's a picture of me.
866
00:55:09,597 --> 00:55:11,975
Is this me? Or is this me? I can't--
867
00:55:12,892 --> 00:55:15,020
Fuck! Which one is me?
868
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:16,771
Is that me?
869
00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:19,024
Or is that me? I don't know.
870
00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:23,611
And I was like,
"You know what? Fuck her."
871
00:55:25,071 --> 00:55:26,865
That bitch will never be brave.
872
00:55:31,870 --> 00:55:34,247
Thank you so much!
873
00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:38,168
I love you!
874
00:55:40,628 --> 00:55:42,797
[music playing]
875
00:55:57,604 --> 00:56:00,106
Oh, wait. Is that guy picketing my show?
876
00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:01,983
[indistinct chatter]
877
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:05,320
I don't know. I feel like he's yelling
at the people going to my show.
878
00:56:05,945 --> 00:56:08,865
And you know what? He's right.
He needs a better megaphone.
879
00:56:08,948 --> 00:56:10,450
[man] Ha ha.
880
00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:12,786
-Are you guys engaged?
-Yes.
881
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:14,537
Can I be in the picture?
882
00:56:16,956 --> 00:56:19,417
[man] Down here, gun control
is when you hold it with two hands.
883
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,211
Oh, that's very funny, Gary.
884
00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,092
How about holding the steering wheel
with two hands. How does that sound?
885
00:56:27,175 --> 00:56:28,551
[laughs]
886
00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:30,637
Here are the real stars of the show.
887
00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:32,931
Whoo!
888
00:56:33,848 --> 00:56:37,393
She runs out of lipstick
because her lips are so luscious.
889
00:56:39,437 --> 00:56:41,106
I'm glad I'm not wearing a skirt
890
00:56:41,189 --> 00:56:45,318
because these people would fully see
up my entire twat.
891
00:56:45,401 --> 00:56:46,778
Do people still say "twat"?
892
00:56:46,861 --> 00:56:48,404
[crowd cheering]
893
00:56:54,452 --> 00:56:55,745
[woman]
So easy.