1
00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:05,471
♪♪♪ (theme)

2
00:00:56,590 --> 00:01:00,426
WOMEN: ♪ ...are comin',
their sails are in sight ♪

3
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:04,430
♪ Shrimp boats are acomin',
there's dancin' tonight ♪

4
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,432
♪ Why don't you hurry,
hurry, hurry home ♪

5
00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:09,302
♪ Why don't you hurry,
hurry, hurry home ♪

6
00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:13,840
♪ Shrimp boats are acomin',
there's dancin' tonight ♪

7
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:16,376
Marina, you gotta have
somebody look at that.

8
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,278
I'm fine, Brandy.
The aspirins are helping.

9
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:20,514
Me, I was drafted
in the last war.

10
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,816
They assigned me
to the enemy.

11
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:26,887
WOMEN (whooping): Hey! Whoo!
MEN: Hey!

12
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:31,625
Hey! Whoo! All right!

13
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:40,433
DRIVER:
Mortars! Get down!

14
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(mortar explodes)

15
00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:48,875
Are you hit?
No. I'm okay.

16
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:51,277
It's her stomach.
She's been having pains.

17
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,715
Let's check it out.
(yelping) Ow.

18
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:59,319
(chatter)

19
00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:01,287
Battalion Aid asked me
to give these to you.

20
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,223
What are they?
The casualty reports.

21
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:05,225
Never thought I'd wind up
as a carrier pigeon.

22
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,896
Bad belly wound. Looks
like he stopped their
MiG with his stomach.

23
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,464
You'd better set up
some plasma.

24
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:16,469
Well, well. Since when did they
put a stewardess on this run?

25
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:19,372
She's with the U. S. O. Medic
thinks it's her appendix.

26
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,474
Right down my alley.
I wrote the book
on the appendix.

27
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I even wrote the appendix,
but they took that out.

28
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,846
Oh, it's okay. I'm fine.

29
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,948
Oh! Oh!
Ah ha ha!

30
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,784
You showbiz folks, always
with the funny walks.

31
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,619
Direct me
to the nearest threshold.

32
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:35,856
How long have you
had these pains?

33
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,758
Just for a few days.

34
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It wasn't too bad at first,
but now it hurts like heck.

35
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:41,962
You can say "hell" here.
This is Korea.

36
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If you can't
say "hell" in hell,

37
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where in hell can you say it?

38
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:46,833
Now, before I take out
your appendix,

39
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,602
there's one question
I always like to ask.

40
00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:50,604
Have you had
your appendix out before?

41
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,739
Uhuh. Will there be
a bad scar?

42
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:56,209
Are you kidding?
You're talking to Al Capone's
personal plastic surgeon.

43
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,644
CHARLES: I must say, Pierce,

44
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,412
I certainly do envy
your surgical assignment.

45
00:02:59,445 --> 00:03:02,649
How I'd love to sink
my scalpel once again

46
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,817
into a simple appendix.

47
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,652
It's such a useless

48
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,588
yet highly lucrative
little organ.

49
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,322
Yeah, well, this
useless little organ

50
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:11,525
should've been registered
as a concealed weapon.

51
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:14,394
Another couple of hours,
and it could've ruptured.

52
00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:17,230
You wanna snip that,
and then let's close.

53
00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:19,600
I'm gonna do
a running subcuticular.

54
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,735
I promised her the scar
wouldn't be too noticeable.

55
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,871
Professional reasons.
She's with the U. S. O.

56
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,807
Margaret, I need another hand
with some retraction here.

57
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,808
Pam?

58
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,344
How's he doin'?
Not too well.

59
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,346
It's gonna be touchandgo.

60
00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,381
Miss Ryan, I believe
you had a reservation

61
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,417
for a single with a view
of the other singles.

62
00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,019
Hey, it's a gal.

63
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,822
I've seen her before.
She's a singer with U. S. O.

64
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,691
I caught her act at Kimpo.
Hey, Miss. Saw your show.

65
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,259
You're terrific.

66
00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:48,394
Please, this is no time
to take a bow.

67
00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:49,896
Frank, get us a screen
over here, will you?

68
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,632
Could she
do a song later?

69
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:52,899
Nah. 'Fraid not.

70
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,835
She opened and closed
in one night.

71
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,871
Just some light roadwork,
and stay off the heavy bag.

72
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,305
I'll see you
in the morning.

73
00:03:59,339 --> 00:04:00,641
Can you stay for a while?

74
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,408
No. You'd better
get some rest.

75
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:04,277
Besides, I have to get
over to the mess tent.

76
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:05,979
I'm working my way through
busboy school as a doctor.

77
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:14,721
If he improves, he's gonna
be a very sick young man.

78
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,657
Yeah. It wouldn't hurt

79
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,358
to get Father Mulcahy to put
in a little overtime, huh?

80
00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:19,693
B.J.:
Right.

81
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,499
That must be
Marina's troupe.

82
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,902
Hello. Anybody home?

83
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,571
Unless I'm mistaken,

84
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,606
that's Brandy Doyle,
the stripper.

85
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:34,007
How would you know?

86
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,342
Well, I saw her picture
in Life magazine.

87
00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:37,844
Uh, fully clothed.

88
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,580
Oh, it can't be her.

89
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,882
The U. S. O. wouldn't send
a burlesque queen to Korea.

90
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,316
Hello.
Hello.

91
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,885
Oh, hello, Father.

92
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,019
Hiya, honey.
Hi.

93
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,320
I'm Brandy Doyle.

94
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:50,724
Oh, well,
how nice to meet you.

95
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:52,693
Hi. I'm Sarah Miller.
Hello.

96
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,027
And I'm Ellie Carlyle.

97
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,729
We were told
that Marina Ryan is here.

98
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:57,698
She sure is, and she's
doing real fine.

99
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,932
Oh, glad to hear it.

100
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,634
Say, nice place
you got here,

101
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,869
but once a week, you gotta
get someone in to dust.

102
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:06,372
You can do it, Rev.
You're a man of the cloth.

103
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:07,841
You're very jocular.

104
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:10,844
This is our emcee
Fast Freddie Nichols.

105
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,412
Say,
as long as you're here,

106
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:13,780
maybe you could do a show
for our wounded?

107
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,381
Oh, as spokesman
for the group,

108
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,818
we'd love to, but our
schedule is very tight.

109
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,820
In fact, we're all drunk.
Ha ha ha!

110
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,354
Now, where's Marina?

111
00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:22,656
Oh, this way. Come on.
I'll take you.

112
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,357
Come along.
Uh, Father,

113
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,927
may I have a word
with you in private?

114
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,731
Of course. Of course.
This way.

115
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:35,736
Hey! Hiya, guys!
Yep. You are not dreaming.

116
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:39,039
It is me in the flesh,
so to speak.

117
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,544
Who is that?
I don't know.

118
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,045
Great to be here in Korea,

119
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,947
the country with a Seoul.
(groaning)

120
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,649
ELLIE:
How are you feeling?

121
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,552
Oh, much better. I had
to have an appendectomy.

122
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,554
I had trouble
with my appendix once,

123
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,921
but I couldn't
afford the operation,

124
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,757
so I had the doctor
touch up the Xray.

125
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,825
Hey, these cookies are dirty.
Listen to this.

126
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,961
"Confucius say man
who chase woman in dark

127
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,095
often end up with"

128
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,930
Ha ha ha! That's lovely.

129
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,766
I got one about
a traveling salesman.
Please. Fellas.

130
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:08,001
There are women present.

131
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,904
Speak up so we can hear ya.

132
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,606
(laughter)
That's the way.

133
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,074
What's all the laughing?

134
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:17,077
Oh, Doc, these are my U.S.O.
friends: Eleanor and Brandy.

135
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,545
Hi, Eleanor.

136
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:19,680
This is the wonderful man
who saved my life.

137
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,048
Oh, I just cut
along the dotted line.

138
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,617
MARINA: Fast Freddie,
meet Captain Pierce.

139
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,451
Captain Pierce.
Hawkeye.

140
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:26,620
Suture self, doc.

141
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:27,621
Ha ha!

142
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:30,791
(laughing)

143
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,693
Oh, I don't believe
we've met.

144
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,728
Uh, Major Charles
Winchester. Hiya.

145
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:36,196
Winchester, huh?

146
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,665
You must be the big gun
around here. (chuckles)

147
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:41,034
I rarely get to meet
a man of your caliber.

148
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:43,570
Marina?

149
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,871
Marina?

150
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,807
Sarah, hi.

151
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,208
I want you to meet Dr. Pierce.

152
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,043
This is Sarah Miller.
Hi. How are you?

153
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,746
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for taking such
good care of Marina.

154
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:54,447
Well, I'll tell you
how you can pay me back.

155
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,216
We can turn postop
into a barn

156
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,151
so you can turn it
into a theater
and put on a show for us.

157
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:00,486
(all cheering)

158
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,855
You can stay
with us for the night
and leave in the morning.

159
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,724
No, they can't.
Why?

160
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,792
We've gotta be on the road
to the 121st evac hospital.

161
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,227
It's not that far,
and the roads are good.

162
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,829
They haven't gotten around
to potholing them yet.

163
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,196
I'm sorry. We just have time

164
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,832
to grab a bite and move on.

165
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,700
I'll have the mess tent
prepare some food for you.

166
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:14,835
SARAH: Thanks.

167
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,503
Just make sure
it's not chicken.

168
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,071
You know how the last base
killed their chickens?

169
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,974
They fed 'em
the French toast.

170
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:22,943
Hey, these guys
know comedy.

171
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:24,678
Freddie, they love you.

172
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,479
Why don't we stay
and do the show?

173
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:27,781
Oh, I don't know.

174
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,550
Oh, come on.
ALL: Come on, Freddie.

175
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:30,951
You wanna talk
about army food?

176
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,053
Those chickens
were classified 4F:

177
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,155
fowl, fowl, fowl, fowl.

178
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:40,260
Oh, we'll do a show.
(cheering)

179
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,596
(laughing)

180
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:45,265
Don't tell me you think
that guy is funny?

181
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,868
He's the worst comedian
I ever heard in my life.

182
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,671
Then why are you laughing?

183
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:51,872
I don't know.

184
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,512
I don't believe it.

185
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,684
Hey, what do two drunks
do when they meet?

186
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:04,951
BOTH: They shake!

187
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,721
(burbling)

188
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,590
It is you!
Fast Freddie Nichols,

189
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,692
the funniest man ever
to set foot on his ankles!

190
00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:15,696
Oh, he also does
cerebral humor.

191
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:18,098
No. For cerebral humor,
he walks on his head.

192
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,233
I'm Corporal Max Klinger.
You won't believe this,

193
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:22,836
but once, I drove six hours
to catch your act.

194
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,237
And your nose
made it in five.

195
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:25,706
(laughing)

196
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,775
Nose made it in five!
Is the man a genius?

197
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,677
He finds one insignificant
little trait

198
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,546
and instantly
turns it into comedy.

199
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:34,247
Yes, ma'am, I'm prouder
than a peacock

200
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,550
to have a star
of your magnitude

201
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,251
right here in our midst.

202
00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,220
Well, aren't you
the little charmer?

203
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,254
Ha ha ha!

204
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:42,823
Many's the time

205
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,125
you've beguiled this
wideeyed young doughboy

206
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,694
back in K. C. in the old
Gaiety Theater.

207
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,696
You caught my act?

208
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,965
Heck, one time
I caught your garter.

209
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:55,268
To this day,
every time I watch
a C42 revvin' up,

210
00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:57,871
I think about how you used
to spin those tassels.

211
00:08:57,904 --> 00:09:00,641
Well, there's more
than one way to use
a runway, Colonel.

212
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,610
Wonderful news, everybody.

213
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:04,978
We've cleared out
a space in postop

214
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,146
so you can
set up for your show.

215
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,614
HAWKEYE: Terrific!

216
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,716
We got a bunkhouse
for these gypsies?

217
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,284
We've prepared
the VIP tent.

218
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,219
Sarah and Eleanor, we've
put your things in there.

219
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,121
Well, that takes care
of the young 'uns.

220
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,991
Now, Brandy, why don't you
and Margaret buddy up?

221
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:18,992
Oh.

222
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:22,863
Yes. That would be nice.

223
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,300
Good evening,
ladies and germs.

224
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:28,902
(laughter)

225
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:31,071
I planned to have you
laying in the aisles,

226
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,606
but I see someone
beat me to it.

227
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,809
I'd like to thank
Colonel Potter

228
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,177
for this wonderful reception.

229
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,679
(soldiers cheering)

230
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,913
Even though we didn't
get married.

231
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,716
But seriously, folks,

232
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,618
Colonel Potter is really,
really a great guy.

233
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:45,819
A military genius.

234
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:47,053
First thing he said to me

235
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,955
was "Gotta get those Krauts."

236
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,857
It's pretty noisy
in here.

237
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,192
Do you think we should
move Nowicki?

238
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,761
No. Leave him alone.
Might do him some good.

239
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:55,996
So I bit him.

240
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,063
On the other hand,

241
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,965
But enough of my bits.

242
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:02,803
Here's someone who you could
really sink your teeth into.

243
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,706
A hell of a girl,
Miss Brandy Doyle!

244
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:06,973
(cheering)

245
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,075
♪♪♪ (accordion)

246
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:19,352
♪ Cuddle, cuddle up
a little closer ♪

247
00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:23,089
♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

248
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,991
♪ Cuddle, cuddle up ♪

249
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,960
♪ And be my little ♪

250
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,697
♪ Clinging vine ♪

251
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:34,267
♪ Like to see your
cheeks so rosy ♪

252
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:38,271
♪ Like to make you
comfycozy ♪

253
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:42,408
♪ 'Cause I love
from head to toesie ♪

254
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,410
♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

255
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,447
It hurts when I do this.
It hurts when I do this.

256
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,815
SOLDIER:
What'd you say?

257
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,383
Shh. I'm rehearsing.

258
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:53,219
♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

259
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,288
It hurts when I do this.

260
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,861
♪ Clinging vine ♪

261
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,098
(whooping, whistling)

262
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:13,306
♪ 'Cause I love
from head to toesie ♪

263
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:17,310
♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

264
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:21,047
♪ Like to see
your cheeks so rosy ♪

265
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:25,051
♪ Like to make you
comfycozy ♪

266
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:28,789
♪ 'Cause I love
from hea to toesie ♪

267
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,390
♪ Love ♪

268
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,894
♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

269
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:34,928
(whistling)

270
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,236
And now here is something
for all you music buffs.

271
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,171
And I oughta know

272
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,307
because many a times I've
worked to music in the buff.

273
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:53,013
Miss Ellie Carlyle
and her squeezable Steinway!

274
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,981
(cheering, whooping)

275
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,220
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

276
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,823
I would like to dedicate
this next tune

277
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,992
to a really swell guy
with a head to match.

278
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,494
Thank you very much.

279
00:12:08,529 --> 00:12:10,931
♪♪♪ ("Lady Of Spain")

280
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,778
I'll always be grateful
to you for saving my life.

281
00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:27,347
Oh, it's nothing.
The only tricky part

282
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,350
was remembering if the appendix
was on the right or the left.

283
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:33,086
(laughs) Oh, Oh, Please.
It hurts when I laugh.

284
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:34,521
Then take two
Fast Freddie jokes.

285
00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:35,989
You'll feel better
in no time.

286
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,461
(laughter)

287
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,797
(German accent) Here we are
at the doctor place!

288
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,465
The horsepistol.

289
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:48,068
First I need my nurse.

290
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,236
Nurse! Where's the nurse?

291
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,838
(whooping)

292
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,543
Is there something
I can do for you, doctor?

293
00:12:56,577 --> 00:13:00,981
Oh, ja. I'll talk
about that later
in your pup tent.

294
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,016
But first, bring me
the talcum powder.

295
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,150
Where's
the talcum power?

296
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,019
Yes, doctor.
Walk this way.

297
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:07,320
If I could walk that way,

298
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,789
I wouldn't need
the talcum powder.

299
00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:12,358
I need a patient.
Where's the patient?

300
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,227
Oh, sir?

301
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:17,097
Oh, here you are.
You look like a heel.

302
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:20,233
Dr. Kinderspiel
will see you now.

303
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:22,202
(cheering)

304
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:31,878
Now, young man,
what seems to be
the problblblem?

305
00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:34,447
My arm hurts.

306
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,316
Well, don't What?

307
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,450
(laughter)

308
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,085
My arm hurts.

309
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,087
Uh, well, uh, Dummkopf,

310
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,524
don't you mean
it hurts when I do this?

311
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,325
Then don't do that.

312
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,560
(laughter)

313
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:52,032
You got the wrong line.

314
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:54,334
Oh, what a lovely
jacket you're wearing.

315
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,236
Somewhere a horse
is freezing.

316
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:57,437
(laughter)

317
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,272
I can't find the line.
What do I do?

318
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:00,373
Get out.

319
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,975
But
Get out!

320
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:08,014
There is only one cure
for such an illness:

321
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,282
a young lady will come out

322
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:11,317
and sing us all back
to good health.

323
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,987
Give her a big hand
Miss Sarah Miller!

324
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,122
(cheering)

325
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:20,493
Thank you. I'd like
to sing you a song

326
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,228
that's very special to me.

327
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,897
My brother taught it to me.

328
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,498
It's called
"Sweet Molly Malone."

329
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,468
♪♪♪

330
00:14:28,502 --> 00:14:31,304
♪ In Dublin's fair city ♪

331
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:34,040
♪ Where the girls
are so pretty ♪

332
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:39,646
♪ I first set my eyes
on sweet Molly Malone ♪

333
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,949
♪ She wheeled a wheelbarrow ♪

334
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,519
♪ Through streets
broad and narrow ♪

335
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,989
♪ Crying
"Cockles and mussels" ♪

336
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:52,626
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

337
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,996
Everybody knows this song.
Why don't you join in with me?

338
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:59,032
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

339
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,602
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

340
00:15:01,635 --> 00:15:05,005
♪ Crying
"Cockles and mussels" ♪

341
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:09,042
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

342
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,677
My usual singing partner

343
00:15:10,711 --> 00:15:12,579
is not able to be
on stage with me tonight,

344
00:15:12,613 --> 00:15:14,648
but she is, however,
in the audience,

345
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:17,183
and maybe we could all
persuade her to join me.

346
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,919
(cheering)

347
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:29,462
♪ She was a fishmonger,
and that was no wonder ♪

348
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:34,668
♪ For so were her father
and mother before ♪

349
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:35,636
(gasp)

350
00:15:37,738 --> 00:15:39,105
Does anybody else
know this song?

351
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,306
I do.

352
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,008
Hey! Margaret!

353
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,209
NURSE: Major!

354
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:44,444
Come on up.

355
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:47,047
Major Houlihan. All right.

356
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,949
Ahem.

357
00:15:50,584 --> 00:15:53,419
♪ She was a fishmonger ♪

358
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,189
♪ And that was no wonder ♪

359
00:15:56,222 --> 00:16:01,194
♪ For so were her father
and mother before ♪

360
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:03,697
♪ They each wheeled
their barrows ♪

361
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:06,499
♪ Through streets
broad and narrow ♪

362
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,402
♪ Crying
"Cockles and mussels" ♪

363
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:13,707
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

364
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,376
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

365
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,679
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

366
00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:21,347
♪ Crying
"Cockles and mussels" ♪

367
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:26,419
♪ Alivealiveo ♪

368
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,722
(cheering)

369
00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:34,494
You wanna know
something, honey?

370
00:16:34,528 --> 00:16:37,263
I get the feeling I make
you kind of nervous.

371
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:38,665
No. No.

372
00:16:38,699 --> 00:16:42,068
Well, you and I are
not all that different.

373
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:45,371
I mean, I'm just
like any other woman.

374
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:46,607
No, you're not.

375
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,742
We all take our pants off

376
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,410
one leg at a time.

377
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,648
You know, I'd give anything

378
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,117
to have a gorgeous
head of hair like yours.

379
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,520
Ah! Thank you!

380
00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:01,221
I was just thinking
the same thing

381
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:02,656
about your lovely
head of hair.

382
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,658
How do you manage
to keep it so beautiful?

383
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,527
Oh, simple.

384
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,762
I give it the night off.

385
00:17:10,831 --> 00:17:12,766
I never would've guessed.

386
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:16,637
My exhusband gave me that
for our third anniversary.

387
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:19,740
Right after that, we split up.

388
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:24,377
Oh, but those were three
beautiful months.

389
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:26,547
I learned to get
the anniversaries in

390
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:28,248
as fast as I could.

391
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,350
That's just about as long
as I was married.

392
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,285
I see I'm not the only
one in this tent

393
00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:34,120
who knows what it's
like to be lonely.

394
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,089
The nights
can get sort of empty

395
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:38,224
when all you've got
to curl up with is a pillow.

396
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:42,563
At least with the people here,
they're like your family.

397
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:45,165
But they're mostly just kids.

398
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,267
Oh, not that Colonel Potter.

399
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,702
Ha ha ha ha.

400
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,705
Oh, he's a real doll.

401
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,842
I got a good mind
to sashay right over
to his tent

402
00:17:55,876 --> 00:17:58,845
and make his experience
at the Gaiety Theater

403
00:17:58,879 --> 00:18:01,582
seem like a church social.

404
00:18:01,615 --> 00:18:04,518
Colonel Potter is
a very happily married man.

405
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:07,654
So were my five husbands
till they met me.

406
00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:10,757
Oh, don't worry.

407
00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:12,726
I'm leaving first thing
in the morning.

408
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:16,496
So tonight
it's just you and me, kid.

409
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,264
And the old pillow.

410
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:22,669
How'd you sleep?

411
00:18:22,703 --> 00:18:23,870
Wonderfully.

412
00:18:23,904 --> 00:18:26,406
I envy you.
Didn't you sleep well?

413
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,209
A cup of coffee would've
gotten a better night's sleep.

414
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:31,411
That's one
of Freddie's jokes.

415
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,379
I knew
I heard that somewhere!

416
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:36,717
Must've been
around 4:30 this morning.

417
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:38,785
How you feeling?
Great.

418
00:18:38,819 --> 00:18:43,223
Thanks to a, certain
wonderful doctor I know.

419
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,659
Oh, I'll bet you say that

420
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:46,893
to all the wonderful
doctors you know.

421
00:18:46,927 --> 00:18:50,831
Oh, no. I mean it.
You're special.

422
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,902
Um...

423
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:58,238
regulations.
These hands are on duty.

424
00:19:00,841 --> 00:19:03,276
He's finally started
to show some improvement.

425
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,412
(yawns) Vital signs are stable.
Temperature's down.

426
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,749
He seems to be much better.
He's awake now.

427
00:19:10,784 --> 00:19:11,885
How you doin', Nowicki?

428
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:15,756
How you feelin'?

429
00:19:16,857 --> 00:19:18,391
I know it's hard to talk,

430
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:21,528
but you're comin' along
just fine.

431
00:19:21,562 --> 00:19:22,929
Watch out for Nurse Kellye,
though.

432
00:19:22,963 --> 00:19:24,898
She likes the weak,
silent type.

433
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:29,836
Keep him on the D5
and half saline solution

434
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:32,338
at 125 CC's per hour.
Right.

435
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:33,940
Nunzio's Chez Paris,
Hoboken, New Jersey.

436
00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:35,341
(phone rings)
You guys gonna come?

437
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,877
Sure. It's the least we can do

438
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:38,512
for the man who put plastic
doggie doo in our bunks.

439
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:39,613
(ring)

440
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:40,881
Klinger,
you'd better get that.

441
00:19:40,914 --> 00:19:42,649
Okay, but first
a quick goodbye.

442
00:19:42,683 --> 00:19:44,918
Freddie, I just wanna say
what an indescribable thrill

443
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,419
it's been for me
to have the pleasure

444
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:47,521
Klinger!
(ring)

445
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:48,589
Yeah, so long, everybody!

446
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:50,290
Hoboken, New Jersey.

447
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:51,592
Say, is that anywhere
near Princeton?

448
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:52,726
(ring)
KLINGER: So long!

449
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,661
Bye. Yeah. Come on. And

450
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,963
BOTH: 1, 2, 3, 4.

451
00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:58,298
Terrific!

452
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,934
(wolf whistles)
I got it!

453
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,703
Ho, ho, ho!

454
00:20:02,736 --> 00:20:05,539
You're terrific.
Oh, that goes double for me.

455
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:08,308
Miss Doyle, it's been
a real hoot and a holler.

456
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,977
Anybody who can bring a little
sunshine to this gloomy place

457
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:13,346
gets an eternal
gracias from me.

458
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:14,915
Oh, thank you.
You know, Sherm,

459
00:20:14,948 --> 00:20:17,283
we'll probably never
see one another again,

460
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:20,020
and I'd hate myself
if I didn't do this.

461
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:23,023
(whooping)

462
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,726
Come on, folks. It's just
a handshake with lips.

463
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:27,327
(laughter)

464
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,863
Goodbye, Father.
Thanks again for your help.

465
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,833
Goodbye, Sarah. I wish you
good luck in your search.

466
00:20:32,866 --> 00:20:33,900
So do I.

467
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:35,401
All right.
Byebye.

468
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:36,903
Everybody on the truck.
We're moving out.

469
00:20:36,937 --> 00:20:39,806
KLINGER: Wait! Wait!
Don't anybody move!

470
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,375
Klinger, one goodbye
to a customer.
No, no, no.

471
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,711
That was G2 on the phone.
There's an allout offensive.

472
00:20:44,745 --> 00:20:46,847
All roads are restricted
to troop convoys only.

473
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,415
Nobody can leave.
You've been held over.
(cheering)

474
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:52,318
Hey, Freddie. Shake!

475
00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:58,525
FREDDIE:
So the guy with the shovel

476
00:20:58,559 --> 00:21:00,060
walks up to the streetcar
conductor and says,

477
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:02,495
"Motherinlaw? I thought
that was your cat!"

478
00:21:02,529 --> 00:21:05,799
(Freddie, Klinger laugh)

479
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,801
♪♪♪

480
00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:20,947
♪♪♪ (theme)