1 00:00:03,836 --> 00:00:06,340 (groans) 2 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,477 What? Can't sleep? 3 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:13,747 No, I have this terrible feeling we've forgotten something. 4 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,617 Trash, locks, lights... 5 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,322 Oh, well, whatever it is, 6 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:24,725 I'm sure it can wait till morning. 7 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,863 Oh, boy. 8 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:33,167 (snoring) 9 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,602 All right, son. 10 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,105 Son, I think you've learned your lesson. 11 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,707 Okay. 12 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,475 Thanks, Dad. 13 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,013 We've got to stop doing this. 14 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,617 * Yes, no, maybe 15 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,086 * I don't know 16 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,289 * Can you repeat the question? 17 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,458 * You're not the boss of me now * 18 00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:00,027 * You're not the boss of me now * 19 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,295 * You're not the boss of me now * 20 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:04,397 * And you're not so big 21 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,634 * You're not the boss of me now * 22 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,969 * You're not the boss of me now * 23 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,371 * You're not the boss of me now * 24 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:14,208 * And you're not so big 25 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:18,346 * Life is unfair. 26 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,450 Craig's dropping off my paycheck, 27 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:23,951 so I asked him to bring in the mail. 28 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:26,220 I didn't think I needed to cancel the Sunday paper. 29 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,655 Somebody's just going to steal it anyway. 30 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,557 Sounds like we've got nothing to worry about 31 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,160 for the next two days but having fun. 32 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:33,327 Mom, Dewey's going to puke. 33 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,396 Geez, he's thrown up four times. 34 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,465 You'd think he'd be empty by now. 35 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,666 We're almost there, honey. 36 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,000 Just keep your head in the bucket. 37 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,235 Just ten more minutes, 38 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:42,903 and we'll get to spend a weekend 39 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,272 on a real Indian reservation. 40 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:45,673 Why do they have casinos? 41 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,974 I don't know, son. 42 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,509 Let's just thank God they do. 43 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,778 Hey, the pool at this place looks pretty good. 44 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:53,013 You guys are going to have a nice time. 45 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,515 It's too bad Francis couldn't be here. 46 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,250 Oh, don't you feel bad for Francis. 47 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:59,019 He's the one who got himself on academic probation. 48 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,289 Francis isn't going anywhere this weekend. 49 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,856 Richie, it's me. 50 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,192 I ditched school, 51 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,026 my family's away for the whole weekend, 52 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,695 so I got the house to myself. 53 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:10,631 Call Circus and Justin, 'cause we're going to party! 54 00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:12,766 Sorry, dude. They're in jail. 55 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,034 You're kidding. Why? 56 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,436 They got caught trying to steal 57 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,705 the giant inflatable panda from the car lot. 58 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,139 Oh, man! 59 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:21,041 That would've been great to have. 60 00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,976 Well, you can come over, right? 61 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,278 I'm not sure. 62 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,879 This weekend's my intervention. 63 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:29,617 How long you think this is going to take, Mom? 64 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,553 (crying) 65 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:35,055 You'd better put me down as a "maybe." 66 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,758 (sighs) 67 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,830 Oh, man, did I overbuy on pork rinds. 68 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,398 Oop! 69 00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:47,034 Oh, hey, here we go. This is nice. 70 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,302 MALCOLM: I get the rollaway. 71 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,070 DEWEY: I want to sleep with Malcolm. 72 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,739 Cool. I get the big bed for myself. 73 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,907 Not fair. If you get the big bed, you get Dewey. 74 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,643 That's not the way you called it, butt-head. 75 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,411 Now, boys, I'm sure we can find a fair way 76 00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,812 to figure this out. 77 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,249 Reese, Malcolm, Dewey. 78 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,716 I'm taking a bath. 79 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,918 Anybody's got to go, it's now or never. 80 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,887 Can we go swimming, Mom? Yeah, can we? 81 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,156 I think I might take a quick look at the casino. 82 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,724 Hal, you got two days to gamble. 83 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:13,093 Why don't you take the boys to the pool bef...? 84 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,695 Hal? 85 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,032 They don't do anything. 86 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:20,334 They're just there. 87 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,770 Hold it there, boys. No one under 16 88 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,405 allowed in the pool without an adult. 89 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,073 It's okay. They're with me. 90 00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:28,442 Sorry. No parent, no pool. 91 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,777 But that's ridiculous! 92 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,479 We all know how to swim. 93 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,281 Okay, fine. 94 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,715 We'll just go get my dad in the casino. 95 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,451 Sorry. No kids allowed in the casino either. 96 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:39,620 I'm not going to gamble. I just want to get my dad. 97 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,389 Look, I don't make the rules. 98 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,291 You're just doing this because you hate kids. 99 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,026 I'm really not. It's just a happy coincidence. 100 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,929 Mom, they won't let us in the pool without an adult. 101 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,264 What are we supposed to do? 102 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,466 LOIS: I don't know. Use your imaginations. 103 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,302 What? We're on vacation. 104 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,136 LOIS: Hey, there's dirt out there, isn't there? 105 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,971 And rocks and lizards. 106 00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:00,308 And I think I saw an old tire in the parking lot. 107 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,642 There are kids in the world 108 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,977 with a lot less than an old tire to play with, 109 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:07,080 so I don't want to hear another word about it! 110 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,550 Yeah, it's great being home. 111 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,485 So catch me up. What's going on? 112 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,954 Well, we had Salisbury steak for dinner. 113 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,656 Yeah? With creamed spinach? 114 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,490 Uh-huh. 115 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,991 That's a great side dish. 116 00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:19,327 Now, I know they use celery salt 117 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,761 and vinegar with that, 118 00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:23,297 but is that oregano I taste, or is that tarragon? 119 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,098 Francis, I... I got to go. 120 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,334 All right, fine. Put Finley on. 121 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,801 You already talked to him twice. 122 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,770 Come on, we're playing pool and I'm up. 123 00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,672 Okay, okay, play your stupid game. 124 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:34,842 I got some serious partying to do here anyway. 125 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:44,552 Whoo! 126 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,823 Yes! I win again! 127 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,793 No fair. My goalie doesn't have any legs. 128 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,094 Hey, boys. 129 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,529 Hey, Dad. How'd you do? 130 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,298 Well, you know, blackjack's a complicated game. 131 00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,833 You have your ups and your downs. 132 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,670 So, who wants to buy me a Coke? 133 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,137 It's too bad you had to quit, Dad. 134 00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,205 That shoe is full of tens. 135 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:06,139 Huh? 136 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,908 Tens. Face cards. 137 00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:09,843 Okay, there's six decks. 138 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:11,712 They already played out 18 nines, 139 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,214 14 eights, 12 sevens, but only two tens-- 140 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,783 a king of spades and a queen of diamonds. 141 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,986 Which leaves... well, you can do the math. 142 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:22,556 No, but you can, and that's all that matters! 143 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:25,225 Oh, my little genius! 144 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,661 * 145 00:05:58,559 --> 00:05:59,727 Of course we're terribly sorry about this. 146 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,161 You have to believe that this is 147 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,196 a momentary lack of judgment 148 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,432 on my part. 149 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:07,034 See, I-I realize now that using my son... 150 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,103 Your underage son. 151 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,372 Yeah, my-my underage son, uh... 152 00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,608 to count cards was wrong. 153 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,877 I guess I was just trying to look for an activity 154 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,046 that the two of us can enjoy doing together. 155 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,614 You know, it's a tough age. 156 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:24,017 Yeah, a-and this was really helping my self-esteem. 157 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,554 You see, I'm not really good at sports, 158 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,457 and this made me feel... special. 159 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:32,092 My son and I cook. 160 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,694 Huh. That's a good thought. 161 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,362 We'll have to try that. 162 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,297 In the meantime, 163 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,366 you're banned from the casino. 164 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,801 Banned? 165 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,403 Oh, no, no, no, you don't want to do that. 166 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,772 You see, that... that's just not 167 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,640 going to go over so well with my wife. 168 00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,876 And believe me, you don't want to see her angry. 169 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,812 I'm not banning her. Just you. 170 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:57,150 Okay, uh, look, let's just, uh... 171 00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:01,154 forget about the three grand that I... I won, hmm? 172 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:05,092 Just pretend it never happened? 173 00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,560 Capisce? 174 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:09,029 That's very generous of you. 175 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,166 You're still banned. 176 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,302 What?! 177 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,770 Oh, all right, then. 178 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,939 Just give me my money back. 179 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,140 I'm sorry. 180 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,341 What money? 181 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,877 Hey, look, pal... 182 00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:31,519 Who said anything about money? 183 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,320 Thank you. 184 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,093 I tell you, I am not that impressed with this place. 185 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,495 You call that a breakfast buffet? 186 00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:42,663 Not a tangelo to be found. 187 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,197 What are you talking about? 188 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,333 Didn't you see that teepee made entirely of sausage? 189 00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,535 It was incredible! 190 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,537 I am going to die. 191 00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,539 Why didn't anyone stop me? 192 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:52,940 In our family, we take the phrase 193 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,875 "all you can eat" as a personal challenge. 194 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,544 I know what'll cheer you up. 195 00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,512 Why don't we go gamble a little? 196 00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,113 Ooh, uh, now? 197 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,182 Where does it say that just because 198 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,184 you're at a casino you have to gamble? 199 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:07,454 I mean, I-I'd rather spend some more time with my boys, huh? 200 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,956 (laughing) 201 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,224 Whoa, stop it, Dad. Please stop. 202 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,460 Hal, you made me sit for eight hours in that car, 203 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,629 listening to your foolproof system for winning at keno. 204 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,565 Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble? 205 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,900 We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. 206 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,469 I was thinking we might all go for a hike. 207 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,172 (wind whistling) 208 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,209 Okay, what have you done? 209 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,911 What do you mean? 210 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,546 Why are you avoiding the casino? 211 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,047 Well, sweetheart, we could sit here 212 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,816 and I could tell you all about it 213 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,918 and you might find it all very amusing, 214 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,687 or you could think about the fact 215 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,422 that I'm offering to take the boys off your hands 216 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,357 for the whole day. 217 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,896 Don't forget the sunblock. 218 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:52,532 (sighs) 219 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,334 All right, crew. 220 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,604 I just happened to find a brochure in the lobby 221 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,773 for the old El Diablo Ghost Town 222 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,609 just a five-mile hike from here. 223 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:02,776 What's a ghost town? 224 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,044 What do you think it is? 225 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,746 It's a town full of dead people. 226 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,447 Why can't we just go swimming? 227 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,717 Ah, we can swim at home. Where? 228 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,451 Come on, it'll be fun. 229 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:15,155 Look, they have a real working old-timey ice cream parlor. 230 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,659 We're going! 231 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,682 * 232 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,778 (sniffing) 233 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,600 (both scream) 234 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,868 BOTH: What are you doing here? 235 00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,536 Shouldn't you be in military school? 236 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,806 Shouldn't you not be in my father's robe? 237 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,608 That is neither here nor there. 238 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,344 You are in big trouble, my friend. 239 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:45,445 I'm in trouble? 240 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,181 Yes, big trouble. 241 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,184 I'm telling your mother. 242 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:55,823 No... I'm telling my mother! 243 00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,900 That's my toast. 244 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,236 We'll split it. 245 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,239 HAL: Huh. I don't get it. 246 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:15,475 The map says the ghost towns are only a half-inch away. 247 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,077 Dad, we're lost. 248 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,812 What sounds more idiotic: 249 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:22,750 "Let's go to the desert, kids" or "Good idea, Dad"? 250 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,517 Hi, Mom! 251 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,019 Dewey, what are you doing here? 252 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,988 I thought you went for a hike with your father. 253 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,723 I couldn't. I don't like ghosts. 254 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:30,824 They eat little boys. 255 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:31,892 That's ridiculous. 256 00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,526 There's no such thing as ghosts. 257 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,996 Except for that one that'll get you if you go up on the roof. 258 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,198 Come on, you're too young to be in a casino. 259 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,901 MAN: Come on, folks, take a spin at the wheel. 260 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,204 Oh, may as well try my free spin. 261 00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,606 That's right, lady. Nobody goes home a loser. 262 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,942 MAN: Oh, God, I'm ruined! 263 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:52,045 Okay, let's give it a whirl. 264 00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,686 (gasps) 265 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,121 Well, look at that. 266 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,957 You have won our Champagne Dreams Package for two. 267 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,893 An entire day of his and her spa treatments 268 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,061 followed by an evening of dinner and dancing. 269 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,963 Well, that's just perfect. 270 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,799 My husband's out on a hike, and we're leaving tomorrow. 271 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,801 Relax, lady. It's good for six months. 272 00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,769 Six months?! 273 00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:17,537 I had to work six months of overtime 274 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,973 in a crummy drugstore just to pay for this trip. 275 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,442 Have you ever had to recommend hemorrhoid cream 276 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,643 to a complete stranger? 277 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:26,146 Do you want the prize, or not? 278 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,889 You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders. 279 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,958 Tell me about it. 280 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,392 All right, now, listen. Come on. 281 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,494 Let's just all get our bearings here, shall we? 282 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:42,662 All right, here's the sun. 283 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:43,763 What's it telling us? 284 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:44,932 That it's hot. 285 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,667 Hey, is that a fence over there? 286 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,002 By God, you're right! 287 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,770 See, I told you we weren't lost. 288 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,272 Then where are we? 289 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:53,606 By the fence. 290 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,242 It's a sure sign of civilization. 291 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,476 I say we go in. 292 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:59,312 Come on, come on. 293 00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,682 Wait a minute. 294 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,351 What if we're already in, 295 00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:06,987 and instead of going in, we're actually going out? 296 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,990 Son, sometimes the genius thing gets a little annoying. 297 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:13,226 Come on. Let's just keep thinking positive thoughts. 298 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,030 (plane flying overhead) 299 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,866 Listen to that. 300 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,433 That's a plane. 301 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,435 There. Help! Help! 302 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,537 Here, we need help! 303 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,873 Oh, we're lost! 304 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:30,077 Oh, for the love of God, help us! 305 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,416 Well, shall we? 306 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,060 FRANCIS: I can't believe this. 307 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,862 I buy my own bus ticket home, 308 00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,898 I have to spend the whole weekend with you. 309 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,299 I hear you. 310 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,201 It's a shame you had to spend your own money. 311 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,036 I've discovered a way you can travel for free 312 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,504 through the Internet. 313 00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:00,140 What, you hack into an airline's reservation system? 314 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,408 No, that's illegal. 315 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,676 I go into a chat room and pretend to be 316 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,578 a really hot 18-year-old girl. 317 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,247 I'm Debbie. 318 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,350 I'm blond, naive, and I love to wear sundresses. 319 00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:13,020 Right now, I'm having a lot of problems at home. 320 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,355 Dad's so mean. 321 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,590 I'm going through all these changes, 322 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,993 all these strange new feelings, he just doesn't understand... 323 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,428 Wait, Craig. 324 00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:22,562 The free travel? 325 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:23,730 Right. 326 00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,265 Debbie goes into some chat room, 327 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,267 gets real friendly with some lonely guy, 328 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,237 and before long he's willing to pay for a visit. 329 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,439 Right now, I'm sitting on a ticket to Tampa. 330 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,008 Oh, and I make sure he buys Debbie full fare coach, 331 00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,509 no restrictions. 332 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,312 She may look good in a thong, but she's no dummy. 333 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,283 Sweet. 334 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:44,617 I'm thirsty. 335 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,286 Yeah, well, we'd have water if some idiot 336 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,555 hadn't used it to write an S.O.S. in the sand. 337 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,958 Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water, 338 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,892 and all of a sudden I'm the idiot? 339 00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:54,061 Malcolm, Reese, relax. 340 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,895 We have nothing to worry about. 341 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,464 Everything's going to be fine. 342 00:14:57,497 --> 00:15:00,934 Now, I want you to know that I love you boys very much. 343 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,470 He keeps saying that. 344 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,038 Oh, great. 345 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,906 Now I'm hallucinating. I see a cougar. 346 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,808 Don't be stupid. 347 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:10,510 That's a puma. (gasps) 348 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,646 (all screaming) 349 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,519 (all screaming) 350 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:28,561 (all yelling) 351 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,762 Okay, everybody okay? 352 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,631 Yeah, I guess so. 353 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,166 Oh, my God. Where's Dewey? 354 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,668 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 355 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,004 He's back at the hotel. 356 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:38,338 Okay, then. 357 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,307 Nobody's hurt, everything's fine. 358 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,275 Dad, a cougar just blew up. 359 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,843 I meant besides that. 360 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,178 That's not good. 361 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:47,347 Cougars don't just blow up. 362 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:51,618 As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind. 363 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,520 Reese, that's insane! 364 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,023 I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you. 365 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,191 Okay, there must be some explanation. 366 00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,326 Okay, it could have been caused 367 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,194 by a blasting cap left by a miner, 368 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:03,196 although the explosion was much too big. 369 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,632 Perhaps the cougar ate some dynamite. 370 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,800 That's ridiculous. 371 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,502 Maybe it's just a mirage. 372 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,104 Could have been a mirage, although a mirage 373 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,340 usually doesn't end up all over your shoes, 374 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,275 which leads me back to the Reese thing. 375 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,311 I accept your apology. 376 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,713 Oh, this feels so good. 377 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:23,050 I mean, you read about celebrities going to spas 378 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,517 and having these kinds of treatments, 379 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,520 but you marry young, you start spitting out kids, 380 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:31,058 you can kiss this kind of thing good-bye. 381 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,892 Don't eat the cucumber slices, honey. 382 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,994 Okay. 383 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:38,065 M-Z-R-Y-C. 384 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,067 Nice try. What's that supposed to mean? 385 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,069 "Mzryc"-- it's another military term. 386 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,237 You know, the helmets that horses wear. 387 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,073 Oh, right, right, right. 388 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,340 This is nice. 389 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,409 Hanging out on a Saturday, playing Scrabble. 390 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,078 Couple of guys, relaxing. 391 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,679 So, your folks getting along okay? 392 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:53,813 What? Nothing. 393 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:54,981 Here we go. 394 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,583 Read it and weep. 395 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,051 C-A-T. 396 00:16:58,085 --> 00:17:00,387 Hey, that's two "cats" for you, that's great. 397 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,589 Just playing the tiles I'm dealt. 398 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,590 So, uh, you pick up any bad vibes 399 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,727 here on the home front, you let me know, right? 400 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,694 Why? 401 00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,196 Hey! Take it easy, cowboy. 402 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,763 Just making small talk. 403 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:12,898 Okay. 404 00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,367 I guess they're doing fine. 405 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,435 She's a strong little lady, that mother of yours. 406 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,171 Sure, we have our moments at work, 407 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,339 but you can't stay mad at that woman for long. 408 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,075 You don't have to live with her. 409 00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,943 Maybe you just don't understand her. 410 00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,044 What's to understand? 411 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,945 She's a total control freak. 412 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,949 Maybe she doesn't get the support she needs here at home. 413 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:33,453 Well, I wouldn't know, since she sent me to military school. 414 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,055 Because you're a spoiled brat! 415 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:39,292 And I'm pretty sure "Mzyrc" ends in a "K"! 416 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:42,095 Look, it's a house! 417 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,564 Yes! All right! 418 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:45,698 (laughs) 419 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,300 Come on. 420 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,070 Hello! Hello! 421 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,472 They're sitting at the table. 422 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,241 They're just ignoring us. 423 00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,809 They probably think we're trying to sell them something. 424 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,077 Hey, we're lost! 425 00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:59,246 A cougar exploded! 426 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:00,813 Can we use your phone? 427 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,549 Sorry, we hate to barge in, 428 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,418 but this is kind of an emergency... 429 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,923 Well, this is a little weird. 430 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,628 Okay, I just figured this out. 431 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,096 Run! 432 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,199 (all screaming) 433 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,838 We're on an artillery range! 434 00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,807 That's why the cougar blew up! 435 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,176 It was hit by a shell! 436 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,943 Are you sure? 437 00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,520 Pretty sure. 438 00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,562 Wait! 439 00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:51,231 (screams) 440 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,908 (all screaming) 441 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,716 (screams) 442 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,698 No! Oh! 443 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:28,401 Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out! 444 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,981 (screaming) 445 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,250 Go, go, go, go! 446 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,418 Of course, we're terribly sorry about this, 447 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,920 and we realize that fences are there for a reason. 448 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,189 However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence, 449 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,259 we weren't sure if we were going in or out. 450 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,893 You want to explain the theory, son? 451 00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,161 Not really. 452 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,096 This is a highly classified testing ground, 453 00:19:57,129 --> 00:20:00,400 and I could very easily detain the three of you, indefinitely, 454 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,001 for national security reasons. 455 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,670 Know what nobody's mentioned? 456 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,373 Is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, 457 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,508 and you couldn't even kill the three of us. 458 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,611 I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed. 459 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:15,081 Well, the great thing about this trip is 460 00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:18,084 the next time I hear we can't afford to go on vacation, 461 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,453 I think I'll be okay with it. 462 00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:21,788 I trust everything went well 463 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,123 for you and your handsome gentleman friend? 464 00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:26,125 He is handsome, isn't he? 465 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,060 Can I have some ice cream? 466 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:29,396 You can have anything you want. 467 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,798 Tonight is our special night. 468 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,933 (phone ringing) 469 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,370 Hello? 470 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,438 HAL: Dewey? 471 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,806 Oh, thank God. 472 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,441 Look, I only get to make one call, 473 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,943 so put your mother on so she can come get us. 474 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,148 Who was that? 475 00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,717 Wrong number. 476 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,319 WOMAN (over P.A.): Announcing the arrival of 477 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:56,088 Air Alabama Flight 63 at Gate 11. 478 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,528 Thank you. 479 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,333 My foot is killing me. 480 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,635 Ah, let's be brave soldiers, boys. 481 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:12,305 Might get there after dark, but we've got plenty of water, 482 00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:14,307 and we'll be okay. 483 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,008 Tell us the story again, Dad, please? 484 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:17,610 Yeah, yeah. 485 00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:19,846 All right, one last time. 486 00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:24,016 Dewey is tied to a post in the burning sun. 487 00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,453 He's covered entirely in honey. 488 00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:27,787 Even his eyes? 489 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,456 Even his eyes. 490 00:21:29,489 --> 00:21:31,824 Uh-oh, what's that behind him? 491 00:21:31,858 --> 00:21:36,496 A million fire ants, hungry fire ants 492 00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:39,566 with sharp little mandibles and itchy feet.