1
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,893
My name is Rock Slyde.

2
00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:37,694
I blame my mother.

3
00:01:37,696 --> 00:01:39,729
With a name like that,
I was destined for one

4
00:01:39,731 --> 00:01:44,566
of two career paths, detective work or porn.

5
00:01:44,568 --> 00:01:47,035
After starring in two art films,

6
00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:50,071
I decided the glamorous life of a porn star

7
00:01:50,073 --> 00:01:51,872
wasn't for me.

8
00:01:51,874 --> 00:01:56,242
Besides, I was hung like a hamster.

9
00:01:58,312 --> 00:01:59,811
Dammit, Judy.

10
00:01:59,813 --> 00:02:00,778
Sorry, rock.

11
00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:02,546
Were you talking to yourself again?

12
00:02:02,548 --> 00:02:04,881
No, I was thinking to myself.

13
00:02:04,883 --> 00:02:05,915
Well, I'm sorry.

14
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,283
I just want to grab some old files

15
00:02:07,285 --> 00:02:08,884
and do some follow-up.

16
00:02:08,886 --> 00:02:11,486
Dim the lights.

17
00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:15,221
That's Judy bee.

18
00:02:15,223 --> 00:02:18,457
Years ago, I had placed an ad
for a secretary.

19
00:02:18,459 --> 00:02:20,959
I needed someone smart, someone driven.

20
00:02:20,961 --> 00:02:23,661
Someone Chinese.

21
00:02:23,663 --> 00:02:25,663
I probably should have done
a little more research

22
00:02:25,665 --> 00:02:27,164
on one applicant, Judy bee,

23
00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:31,134
but her last name
sounded oriental enough for me.

24
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:35,671
Plus she was the only one that applied.

25
00:02:35,673 --> 00:02:37,639
It's hard to read the names on these files

26
00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:41,142
with the lights off, rock.

27
00:02:41,144 --> 00:02:45,412
Judy, I was thinking again.

28
00:02:45,414 --> 00:02:47,680
What do you want me to do, rock?

29
00:02:47,682 --> 00:02:50,082
We haven't had a new client in weeks.

30
00:02:50,084 --> 00:02:51,516
I was gonna call some of the old ones

31
00:02:51,518 --> 00:02:53,384
and see if they needed help.

32
00:02:53,386 --> 00:02:54,885
Again.

33
00:02:54,887 --> 00:02:57,053
Don't worry, something's
right around the corner.

34
00:02:57,055 --> 00:02:58,120
I can see it.

35
00:02:58,122 --> 00:02:59,988
That's good, rock.

36
00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:01,322
I like that attitude.

37
00:03:01,324 --> 00:03:05,158
No, somebody's coming, go,
move, look professional,

38
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,393
get in your office.

39
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,428
Lights.

40
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,566
Mr. Rock Slyde?

41
00:03:15,568 --> 00:03:17,901
Yeah, Rock Slyde, detective for hire.

42
00:03:17,903 --> 00:03:20,370
She had all the qualities
I looked for in a woman

43
00:03:20,372 --> 00:03:22,538
so many years ago.

44
00:03:22,540 --> 00:03:23,305
Beautiful...

45
00:03:23,307 --> 00:03:24,906
I need help.

46
00:03:24,908 --> 00:03:26,841
And drunk.

47
00:03:26,843 --> 00:03:29,677
Well, the a.A. Meeting's
across the street.

48
00:03:29,679 --> 00:03:31,845
They say you're the best
private dick in town.

49
00:03:31,847 --> 00:03:35,215
Alcoholics anonymous said that about me?

50
00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:37,450
No kiddin'.

51
00:03:37,452 --> 00:03:39,552
Mind if I smoke?

52
00:03:39,554 --> 00:03:40,920
Mind if I tell ya that you smell like

53
00:03:40,922 --> 00:03:44,690
my grandfather after bingo night
at the elks club?

54
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:47,693
Are you insinuating
that I'm drunk, Mr. slyde?

55
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,194
I'm a private investigator, ma'am,

56
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:53,130
I'm good at my job, I know you're drunk.

57
00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:54,664
Well, that's good.

58
00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:56,565
Because I'm probably too inebriated to drive

59
00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:59,568
and find a real detective.

60
00:03:59,570 --> 00:04:02,003
I guess you'll have to do.

61
00:04:02,005 --> 00:04:06,840
Please don't put that in your referrals.

62
00:04:06,842 --> 00:04:09,676
I can see by your awards and your accolades

63
00:04:09,678 --> 00:04:11,878
that you must think you are in fact

64
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,881
quite the detective,
Mr. slyde.

65
00:04:14,883 --> 00:04:16,015
Runner up.

66
00:04:16,017 --> 00:04:18,884
Colt division, 1970.

67
00:04:18,886 --> 00:04:20,185
Runner up?

68
00:04:20,187 --> 00:04:22,287
We won it the next year.

69
00:04:22,289 --> 00:04:23,421
First place.

70
00:04:23,423 --> 00:04:25,389
Colt division, 1971.

71
00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,557
- See?
- Congratulations, Mr. slyde.

72
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,759
Told you so.

73
00:04:29,761 --> 00:04:32,294
You seem quite decorated,
Mr. slyde.

74
00:04:32,296 --> 00:04:33,995
Unfortunately, you haven't seen it all,

75
00:04:33,997 --> 00:04:37,831
my father of the year mug
is in the dishwasher.

76
00:04:37,833 --> 00:04:41,067
What year would that be,
Mr. slyde?

77
00:04:41,069 --> 00:04:43,936
Was a long time ago.

78
00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:47,039
Your awards mean nothing to me,
Mr. slyde, in fact,

79
00:04:47,041 --> 00:04:49,541
they have absolutely nothing
to do with your profession.

80
00:04:49,543 --> 00:04:51,776
She was on to something.

81
00:04:51,778 --> 00:04:54,044
I believe it's in my best
interests to sober up

82
00:04:54,046 --> 00:04:56,613
and look for a private detective

83
00:04:56,615 --> 00:05:00,849
who's better capable of handling my case.

84
00:05:00,851 --> 00:05:04,919
You were drinking whiskey.

85
00:05:04,921 --> 00:05:06,086
Something cheap.

86
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:08,388
Canadian thirst whiskey.

87
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:11,190
You drive something flashy.

88
00:05:11,192 --> 00:05:12,925
Jaguar, xj6.

89
00:05:12,927 --> 00:05:14,893
Xkr.

90
00:05:14,895 --> 00:05:16,694
You like Italian food, the round noodles,

91
00:05:16,696 --> 00:05:18,796
not the spaghetti ones.

92
00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:23,266
You have a pet, no, a kitten, longhaired.

93
00:05:23,268 --> 00:05:24,600
Do go on.

94
00:05:24,602 --> 00:05:26,969
You're wearing white diamonds perfume

95
00:05:26,971 --> 00:05:28,603
by Elizabeth Taylor, spray bottle,

96
00:05:28,605 --> 00:05:30,204
1.75 ounces.

97
00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:31,305
Four out of five ain't bad.

98
00:05:31,307 --> 00:05:34,107
No, no, it's good.

99
00:05:34,109 --> 00:05:37,043
Mr. slyde?

100
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,344
Yes, Judy.

101
00:05:38,346 --> 00:05:39,645
I'm making lunch.

102
00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:41,213
What kind of peanut butter do you want

103
00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,948
on your sandwich?

104
00:05:42,950 --> 00:05:46,084
Smooth.

105
00:05:46,086 --> 00:05:47,752
So, do we have a deal?

106
00:05:47,754 --> 00:05:49,453
You don't even know my name.

107
00:05:49,455 --> 00:05:51,822
I could use my investigative
instincts to figure that out.

108
00:05:51,824 --> 00:05:53,523
Or I could just tell you.

109
00:05:53,525 --> 00:05:55,758
Yeah, that would be much easier,

110
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,360
far less time consuming.

111
00:05:59,362 --> 00:06:01,161
It's Sara Lee.

112
00:06:01,163 --> 00:06:02,896
Pleasure.

113
00:06:02,898 --> 00:06:04,631
Here's what I need from you.

114
00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:06,566
- Somebody's following me.
- I see.

115
00:06:06,568 --> 00:06:08,334
Quite simply, I need to know who they are

116
00:06:08,336 --> 00:06:09,601
and what they want.

117
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,202
I need round the clock surveillance.

118
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:15,405
Twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week.

119
00:06:15,407 --> 00:06:19,541
Can you help me,
Mr. slyde?

120
00:06:19,543 --> 00:06:22,243
Call me rock.

121
00:06:22,245 --> 00:06:24,144
Rock.

122
00:06:24,146 --> 00:06:28,547
All right, well, with expenses and,

123
00:06:28,549 --> 00:06:31,449
and per diem?

124
00:06:31,451 --> 00:06:33,083
Yes.

125
00:06:33,085 --> 00:06:36,552
And per diem.

126
00:06:36,554 --> 00:06:39,788
$400 a day.

127
00:06:41,224 --> 00:06:45,225
I will give you $200 a day,

128
00:06:45,227 --> 00:06:48,027
and I'll bake you a chocolate cake.

129
00:06:48,029 --> 00:06:49,495
You can keep the chocolate cake, ma'am,

130
00:06:49,497 --> 00:06:50,762
I'm on the South beach diet.

131
00:06:50,764 --> 00:06:53,231
How about some sugar-free
brownies?

132
00:06:53,233 --> 00:06:55,666
Sure, whatever.

133
00:06:55,668 --> 00:06:58,835
You drive a hard bargain, miss Lee.

134
00:06:58,837 --> 00:07:02,804
I'm gonna take your case.

135
00:07:02,806 --> 00:07:04,338
Then we have a deal.

136
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,706
You start tomorrow.

137
00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:09,910
I... Look forward
to working with you.

138
00:07:09,912 --> 00:07:13,079
Closely.

139
00:07:13,081 --> 00:07:16,115
Yeah, just...

140
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,153
Sorry.

141
00:07:24,190 --> 00:07:27,024
Can I, can I invite you for a drink?

142
00:07:27,026 --> 00:07:31,494
No thank you, I don't drink.

143
00:07:31,496 --> 00:07:32,761
Listerine.

144
00:07:32,763 --> 00:07:34,929
Good for the gums.

145
00:07:34,931 --> 00:07:36,530
Maybe some other time.

146
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:48,707
Judy.

147
00:07:48,709 --> 00:07:50,008
Yes, Mr. slyde?

148
00:07:50,010 --> 00:07:52,443
Yeah, I want crunchy on that sandwich.

149
00:07:52,445 --> 00:07:54,644
Yeah, rock, I figured.

150
00:08:16,132 --> 00:08:17,998
The bartologists.

151
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,500
Members of the house of bartology,

152
00:08:20,502 --> 00:08:22,401
the Starbucks of religions.

153
00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:25,504
Growing rapidly, engorging
on its own ambition,

154
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:28,773
the church had swollen in size
through intimidation

155
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:30,075
and bullying.

156
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:32,177
Bartology had scared off every tenant

157
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,846
and taken over every office
space in my building,

158
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:38,382
that is, every office space but one:

159
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,016
Rock Slyde's.

160
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:43,252
Somebody has to make a stand.

161
00:08:46,724 --> 00:08:50,592
Can I help you Bart, o mighty leader?

162
00:08:50,594 --> 00:08:52,760
It's blessed guru.

163
00:08:52,762 --> 00:08:56,530
It's Bart.

164
00:08:56,532 --> 00:08:59,666
I know what that is, I'm not signing it.

165
00:08:59,668 --> 00:09:02,068
You will sign the papers.

166
00:09:04,305 --> 00:09:08,139
You will sign the papers.

167
00:09:09,742 --> 00:09:11,274
You will sign...

168
00:09:11,276 --> 00:09:16,178
your mind control tactics
don't work on me, sir.

169
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,047
Still not, still not, still not.

170
00:09:19,049 --> 00:09:21,249
A little bit, right there.

171
00:09:21,251 --> 00:09:22,550
What did I do?

172
00:09:22,552 --> 00:09:23,984
Nothing.

173
00:09:29,457 --> 00:09:32,191
Mr. slyde.

174
00:09:32,193 --> 00:09:34,660
You are the only tenant in this building

175
00:09:34,662 --> 00:09:36,595
who has not signed over their lease

176
00:09:36,597 --> 00:09:38,697
to the house of bartology.

177
00:09:38,699 --> 00:09:40,231
Why is that?

178
00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:43,667
I don't do religion and I don't do politics.

179
00:09:43,669 --> 00:09:47,003
What is it you do do,
Mr. slyde?

180
00:09:47,005 --> 00:09:49,739
He said do do.

181
00:09:49,741 --> 00:09:51,173
Crossword puzzles.

182
00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:54,142
Then perhaps you know
a four-letter word

183
00:09:54,144 --> 00:09:56,444
for something that frightens you.

184
00:09:56,446 --> 00:09:57,945
I didn't say I was good at 'em,

185
00:09:57,947 --> 00:09:59,780
I said that I did 'em.

186
00:09:59,782 --> 00:10:01,348
Fear.

187
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:02,415
The answer is fear.

188
00:10:02,417 --> 00:10:04,717
That doesn't really make sense.

189
00:10:04,719 --> 00:10:06,385
Ghost.

190
00:10:06,387 --> 00:10:07,252
Five letters.

191
00:10:07,254 --> 00:10:08,853
Exit.

192
00:10:08,855 --> 00:10:10,688
Exit?

193
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:12,389
Figure this out.

194
00:10:12,391 --> 00:10:15,091
The house of bartology is more powerful

195
00:10:15,093 --> 00:10:17,426
than you know, and far more superior

196
00:10:17,428 --> 00:10:19,995
at crossword puzzles.

197
00:10:19,997 --> 00:10:21,496
We will have your office space

198
00:10:21,498 --> 00:10:25,065
one way or another,
whether you like it or not.

199
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,967
Rock Slyde moves for no one,

200
00:10:27,969 --> 00:10:29,802
now get out of my office, Bart.

201
00:10:29,804 --> 00:10:33,371
We have ways of making you do things.

202
00:10:38,044 --> 00:10:40,144
Make this easy
on yourself, Mr. slyde,

203
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:43,914
or I will have to make it hard on...

204
00:10:43,916 --> 00:10:48,451
Difficult on you.

205
00:10:48,453 --> 00:10:50,553
Recruits, let's go.

206
00:11:04,368 --> 00:11:06,434
So let me get this here straight.

207
00:11:06,436 --> 00:11:09,770
You got no contact information on her,

208
00:11:09,772 --> 00:11:11,872
and no payment.

209
00:11:11,874 --> 00:11:13,373
I got a name and a handshake,

210
00:11:13,375 --> 00:11:16,075
and that's as good as payment
for Rock Slyde.

211
00:11:16,077 --> 00:11:17,910
Well, if you don't mind me sayin' so,

212
00:11:17,912 --> 00:11:20,846
Mr. slyde, that was
very stupid.

213
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,681
Damn, she was right.

214
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:23,915
No, it wasn't.

215
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,817
Sounds dangerous, like you could get hurt.

216
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,084
I can sense danger.

217
00:11:28,086 --> 00:11:30,453
Some people call it an instinct.

218
00:11:30,455 --> 00:11:31,454
I call it a gift.

219
00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:32,922
I call it stupid.

220
00:11:32,924 --> 00:11:36,325
You don't even own a gun.

221
00:11:36,327 --> 00:11:39,927
Just use this, and this.

222
00:11:39,929 --> 00:11:41,528
A rape whistle?

223
00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:46,298
Of course I'm not gonna use it
only in case of rape.

224
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:50,501
Look, I got it
for my wife, ex-wife susie.

225
00:11:50,503 --> 00:11:52,069
I'm sorry.

226
00:11:52,071 --> 00:11:53,970
I like your rape whistle.

227
00:11:53,972 --> 00:11:56,739
It's a very nice rape whistle.

228
00:11:56,741 --> 00:12:00,575
Thank you.

229
00:12:03,279 --> 00:12:06,413
Okay, so I have one wonder muffin,

230
00:12:06,415 --> 00:12:10,650
a wonder soda, and one wonder dog

231
00:12:10,652 --> 00:12:12,385
with extra wonder?

232
00:12:12,387 --> 00:12:14,820
That is correct, extra wonder.

233
00:12:14,822 --> 00:12:17,789
Well, it doesn't mean anything,
it doesn't even exist,

234
00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:18,790
extra wonder.

235
00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:20,458
You don't mean anything.

236
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:21,926
You don't exist.

237
00:12:21,928 --> 00:12:25,029
I desire extra wonder on my dog.

238
00:12:25,031 --> 00:12:27,264
Okay, buddy, you got it.

239
00:12:27,266 --> 00:12:31,234
Your total's $6.37, please.

240
00:12:33,204 --> 00:12:35,437
My money is no good here.

241
00:12:35,439 --> 00:12:36,237
What?

242
00:12:36,239 --> 00:12:40,140
My money... Is no good here.

243
00:12:40,142 --> 00:12:41,541
You can't say that.

244
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,109
That would be my line.

245
00:12:43,111 --> 00:12:45,111
If you went to go pay for it,

246
00:12:45,113 --> 00:12:46,579
and I didn't want you to pay for it,

247
00:12:46,581 --> 00:12:49,615
I would then say, "your money's
no good here, sir."

248
00:12:49,617 --> 00:12:51,249
But it doesn't work the other way around,

249
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:52,817
you can't make that call.

250
00:12:52,819 --> 00:12:55,152
I believe I can make that call.

251
00:12:55,154 --> 00:12:58,388
I see Randy wonder, the owner,
approaching right now.

252
00:12:58,390 --> 00:12:59,655
Well, good, maybe I'll just

253
00:12:59,657 --> 00:13:01,289
refuse the right to serve you, then.

254
00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:02,957
Hey, Randy, this chump doesn't want to pay

255
00:13:02,959 --> 00:13:05,125
for his meal.

256
00:13:05,127 --> 00:13:06,526
Greetings, Bart.

257
00:13:06,528 --> 00:13:08,561
How are you this morning, Randy?

258
00:13:08,563 --> 00:13:11,430
Is there anything I can do
for you, blessed guru?

259
00:13:11,432 --> 00:13:15,833
I would appreciate it if you
would have David here fired.

260
00:13:15,835 --> 00:13:17,868
Good one, idiot.

261
00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:20,536
You're fired.

262
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:23,939
Are you serious?

263
00:13:23,941 --> 00:13:25,674
He's serious.

264
00:13:25,676 --> 00:13:27,575
Wow.

265
00:13:27,577 --> 00:13:29,043
Wonder burger?

266
00:13:29,045 --> 00:13:30,577
More like blunder burger.

267
00:13:30,579 --> 00:13:32,912
This is like, the worst mistake
you've ever made, guy.

268
00:13:32,914 --> 00:13:35,614
I'm like, the best thing that's
ever happened to this place.

269
00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:37,549
How dare you fire me,
you know what I'm gonna do?

270
00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:39,317
I'm gonna take my skill set
and I'm gonna take my ged

271
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,218
and I'm wander over to burger place

272
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:42,852
and get a job there, what do you
think about that?

273
00:13:42,854 --> 00:13:44,453
Have a wonderful day, David.

274
00:13:44,455 --> 00:13:47,422
Big mistake, big mistake.

275
00:13:51,427 --> 00:13:53,059
Fry?

276
00:13:53,061 --> 00:13:55,694
Don't mind if I do.

277
00:13:59,666 --> 00:14:01,599
Morning, miss Lee.

278
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:03,300
Is it?

279
00:14:06,204 --> 00:14:09,405
I was followed here by someone this morning.

280
00:14:13,910 --> 00:14:16,243
There's more to the deal.

281
00:14:28,188 --> 00:14:30,721
These brownies contain common table sugar.

282
00:14:30,723 --> 00:14:35,225
Sugar was not part of the deal, sugar.

283
00:14:35,227 --> 00:14:37,694
Rock, I need your help.

284
00:14:37,696 --> 00:14:42,298
You're my last hope, I'm scared.

285
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:43,766
Well, then the deal still applies.

286
00:14:43,768 --> 00:14:47,168
Rock Slyde would never leave
a woman in distress.

287
00:14:49,605 --> 00:14:51,771
I didn't understand the bartologists

288
00:14:51,773 --> 00:14:53,739
and their unorthodox ways.

289
00:14:53,741 --> 00:14:57,776
Each new recruit is started with
an intense exercise program.

290
00:14:57,778 --> 00:15:00,145
The members are to be flawless
physical specimens,

291
00:15:00,147 --> 00:15:03,248
perfect bodies, perfect minds.

292
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:06,217
Not everyone makes it.

293
00:15:06,219 --> 00:15:09,219
This religion sucks.

294
00:15:10,422 --> 00:15:11,988
- Cell phone.
- Check.

295
00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:13,456
- Camera.
- Check.

296
00:15:13,458 --> 00:15:16,091
- Mace and rape whistle combo.
- Check.

297
00:15:16,093 --> 00:15:17,959
- Magazines.
- Check.

298
00:15:17,961 --> 00:15:19,527
- Brownies.
- Check.

299
00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:21,095
Sounds like you're all set

300
00:15:21,097 --> 00:15:22,463
for the big stakeout.

301
00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:25,199
I'll be in close contact
with you at all times.

302
00:15:25,201 --> 00:15:26,667
I'll man the castle.

303
00:15:26,669 --> 00:15:28,935
Let me know if Bart
or the bartologists drop by,

304
00:15:28,937 --> 00:15:31,103
they're up to something fishy.

305
00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:32,971
I don't like fish.

306
00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,172
You like crab.

307
00:15:34,174 --> 00:15:36,507
Crab is not fish, crab is crab.

308
00:15:38,143 --> 00:15:40,543
I wanted to impress my client with a car,

309
00:15:40,545 --> 00:15:43,078
I needed something smart and fast,

310
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,314
something Magnum p.I.
Would drive.

311
00:15:49,686 --> 00:15:54,655
All I have to say is, mission accomplished.

312
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,360
Yeah, Rock Slyde, private eye.

313
00:16:37,362 --> 00:16:38,928
Really, rock?

314
00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:40,896
A bright red car?

315
00:16:40,898 --> 00:16:43,331
Could you be any more conspicuous?

316
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:45,733
Please refrain from mocking
my quasi-sedan.

317
00:16:45,735 --> 00:16:47,768
I bet I find parking easier than you do.

318
00:16:47,770 --> 00:16:50,604
You just don't look like
you belong out there.

319
00:16:50,606 --> 00:16:52,973
I'm a professional, miss Lee, relax.

320
00:16:52,975 --> 00:16:55,175
I'm a master of disguise, a specialist

321
00:16:55,177 --> 00:16:58,844
dealing in the trade of camouflage.

322
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:03,881
I'm gonna be meeting
some girlfriends for coffee.

323
00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:06,617
Very close girlfriends.

324
00:17:06,619 --> 00:17:08,051
Follow me.

325
00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:09,652
I will, miss Lee.

326
00:18:31,464 --> 00:18:35,032
She circled "or."

327
00:18:35,034 --> 00:18:40,637
Her answer was a riddle
wrapped in an enigma.

328
00:18:40,639 --> 00:18:44,340
I was bored, I was tired,
it had been a long day.

329
00:18:44,342 --> 00:18:46,375
Besides, it was Tuesday, the day when

330
00:18:46,377 --> 00:18:48,310
the supermarket fliers come with the mail,

331
00:18:48,312 --> 00:18:53,815
so I was anxious to get home
and give 'em a read.

332
00:18:55,618 --> 00:18:57,718
Can I interest you in a drink?

333
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,587
I don't drink, ma'am,
and I don't drink with clients.

334
00:19:00,589 --> 00:19:02,922
Professional integrity, you understand.

335
00:19:02,924 --> 00:19:04,089
Whatever.

336
00:19:04,091 --> 00:19:05,390
Your friend didn't show.

337
00:19:05,392 --> 00:19:08,126
I have lots of friends.

338
00:19:08,128 --> 00:19:10,261
Girls will be girls.

339
00:19:10,263 --> 00:19:13,464
I'm gonna go home now.

340
00:19:13,466 --> 00:19:16,500
I'll be right behind ya.

341
00:19:23,974 --> 00:19:24,872
Hey.

342
00:19:24,874 --> 00:19:28,408
Hey, man.

343
00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:29,642
Did you ever find that guitar?

344
00:19:29,644 --> 00:19:31,276
No.

345
00:19:31,278 --> 00:19:32,810
That guitar was worth $15,000.

346
00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:36,647
No guitar is worth $15,000.

347
00:19:36,649 --> 00:19:38,849
Well, you definitely weren't worth the $75.

348
00:19:38,851 --> 00:19:40,250
It was $100.

349
00:19:40,252 --> 00:19:41,718
Great, you suck.

350
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,154
You keep making Satan's music.

351
00:19:50,327 --> 00:19:52,593
Sara Lee was gone without a trace,

352
00:19:52,595 --> 00:19:54,328
and I couldn't pick up her trail.

353
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:57,431
I was gonna have to do
some serious detective work.

354
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:58,999
I was gonna have to scour the streets,

355
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:01,134
turn over every rock, dot every "I,"

356
00:20:01,136 --> 00:20:03,603
and cross every "t."

357
00:20:03,605 --> 00:20:06,238
After endless hours
of searching the streets,

358
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,807
I figured Sara Lee for dead.

359
00:20:08,809 --> 00:20:12,276
Or maybe she just went home.

360
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:17,580
It looked like something
might be going down.

361
00:20:17,582 --> 00:20:20,282
Orange chicken.

362
00:20:52,349 --> 00:20:53,349
Rock.

363
00:21:01,122 --> 00:21:03,155
Well, this is awkward.

364
00:21:12,332 --> 00:21:15,399
What happened?

365
00:21:15,401 --> 00:21:17,501
Apparently, someone jumped you.

366
00:21:17,503 --> 00:21:19,903
Wasn't it you?

367
00:21:19,905 --> 00:21:24,207
I was really hoping
that you wouldn't ask that.

368
00:21:25,944 --> 00:21:28,210
You well could've killed me.

369
00:21:28,212 --> 00:21:30,679
That is why I always
request payment up front.

370
00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:35,483
You're a very intriguing man,
Mr. slyde.

371
00:21:35,485 --> 00:21:36,951
Come sit with me.

372
00:21:36,953 --> 00:21:39,219
Miss Lee, I would rather
discuss what happened

373
00:21:39,221 --> 00:21:40,453
earlier today.

374
00:21:40,455 --> 00:21:43,022
Someone was chasing me.

375
00:21:43,024 --> 00:21:45,624
Who was chasing you?

376
00:21:45,626 --> 00:21:49,361
That's what I hired you to find out.

377
00:21:49,363 --> 00:21:51,563
Well, miss Lee, seeing as how
you are safe at home,

378
00:21:51,565 --> 00:21:53,631
I really need to be returning to the office,

379
00:21:53,633 --> 00:21:57,033
detective stuff, you understand.

380
00:21:59,704 --> 00:22:04,339
Yes, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

381
00:22:06,209 --> 00:22:09,476
Not sure if today was a success or failure.

382
00:22:09,478 --> 00:22:13,979
I did save miss Lee from
being killed by an attacker.

383
00:22:13,981 --> 00:22:15,747
Of course I was the attacker,

384
00:22:15,749 --> 00:22:18,049
which would appear to nullify the whole

385
00:22:18,051 --> 00:22:19,884
saving aspect.

386
00:22:45,377 --> 00:22:47,110
Hello, rock.

387
00:22:47,112 --> 00:22:48,778
Surprised?

388
00:22:48,780 --> 00:22:51,180
More disappointed than surprised, really.

389
00:22:51,182 --> 00:22:53,382
I respect your honesty, what are
you doing out here, Bart?

390
00:22:53,384 --> 00:22:55,117
Shouldn't you be on the street,
recruiting people

391
00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:56,351
for your religion?

392
00:22:56,353 --> 00:22:59,520
People on the street
couldn't possibly afford

393
00:22:59,522 --> 00:23:02,256
my religion, Mr. slyde.

394
00:23:02,258 --> 00:23:05,092
What's behind your back?

395
00:23:05,094 --> 00:23:06,860
Nothing.

396
00:23:11,132 --> 00:23:14,066
That is a set of 2002 key master lock picks,

397
00:23:14,068 --> 00:23:18,270
sticky fingers, limited edition.

398
00:23:19,506 --> 00:23:22,139
Why, yes it is.

399
00:23:22,141 --> 00:23:23,673
Very good, Mr. slyde.

400
00:23:23,675 --> 00:23:26,242
I have a nose for it.

401
00:23:26,244 --> 00:23:27,543
Have a good evening, Bart.

402
00:23:27,545 --> 00:23:30,379
Stay away from my office.

403
00:23:33,684 --> 00:23:36,685
Just remember, it is virtually impossible

404
00:23:36,687 --> 00:23:38,119
to pull a fast one over on me.

405
00:23:38,121 --> 00:23:41,155
Well, you've obviously made that...

406
00:23:41,157 --> 00:23:42,389
hey!

407
00:23:44,926 --> 00:23:47,993
Take a seat,
Mr. slyde.

408
00:23:52,498 --> 00:23:55,265
Recruit, please.

409
00:23:56,968 --> 00:24:00,369
Can I ask you
a stupid question, Mr. slyde?

410
00:24:00,371 --> 00:24:03,505
There are no stupid questions,
just stupid people

411
00:24:03,507 --> 00:24:05,373
who ask questions.

412
00:24:05,375 --> 00:24:07,842
Yeah, one-zero me.

413
00:24:07,844 --> 00:24:10,978
In my hands are two films.

414
00:24:10,980 --> 00:24:12,879
<i>Butt pirates of the Caribbean</i>

415
00:24:12,881 --> 00:24:15,548
and<i> the jolly Roger,</i> my two art films

416
00:24:15,550 --> 00:24:17,049
from years ago.

417
00:24:17,051 --> 00:24:20,218
A.K.A. Gay pirate porno
musicals.

418
00:24:29,894 --> 00:24:33,061
I feel like such the queen of the world.

419
00:24:33,063 --> 00:24:34,962
I feel like we're flying.

420
00:24:43,771 --> 00:24:47,638
Your neck is so powerful.

421
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,440
You complete me.

422
00:24:50,442 --> 00:24:54,643
Wouldn't you hate
to have these films exposed

423
00:24:54,645 --> 00:24:55,910
to the public?

424
00:24:55,912 --> 00:24:59,847
<i>Jolly Roger</i> is a maritime musical.

425
00:24:59,849 --> 00:25:01,949
You have a very liberal take on the term

426
00:25:01,951 --> 00:25:03,750
"sword fighting" in that one.

427
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:07,486
And quite an interesting
swashbuckling sword,

428
00:25:07,488 --> 00:25:09,187
I might add, in this one.

429
00:25:09,189 --> 00:25:12,323
By the way, your sword appears to bend

430
00:25:12,325 --> 00:25:15,326
sharply to the left.

431
00:25:17,596 --> 00:25:20,563
Am I right?

432
00:25:20,565 --> 00:25:22,331
What?

433
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:25,867
No, it's not like I actually watched them.

434
00:25:25,869 --> 00:25:28,870
I said I didn't watch...

435
00:25:28,872 --> 00:25:31,539
now I'm the bad guy.

436
00:25:31,541 --> 00:25:34,708
He's the one in the films.

437
00:25:34,710 --> 00:25:36,476
I was young, I needed money,

438
00:25:36,478 --> 00:25:38,044
I answered an ad in the paper,

439
00:25:38,046 --> 00:25:40,413
I didn't even know what
bi-curious meant.

440
00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:43,716
Are you familiar with
black mail, Mr. slyde?

441
00:25:43,718 --> 00:25:45,184
Race really had nothing to do with it,

442
00:25:45,186 --> 00:25:47,085
I just don't like men,
period, there's really...

443
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:48,653
that's not what I'm talking about.

444
00:25:50,390 --> 00:25:53,057
Give us your office space
and we won't go public

445
00:25:53,059 --> 00:25:56,326
with your pornographic escapades!

446
00:25:56,328 --> 00:26:00,830
Can't scare me, Bart, get out.

447
00:26:00,832 --> 00:26:02,031
That didn't work.

448
00:26:02,033 --> 00:26:03,032
Get out.

449
00:26:03,034 --> 00:26:05,868
You will regret this,
Mr. slyde.

450
00:26:05,870 --> 00:26:08,337
Monkeys, let's go.

451
00:26:12,976 --> 00:26:15,776
I had to get back to miss Sara Lee's case.

452
00:26:15,778 --> 00:26:17,644
My gut instinct told me
that I was gonna have

453
00:26:17,646 --> 00:26:21,714
to partake in a little thing
that all good detectives do,

454
00:26:21,716 --> 00:26:23,282
the stakeout.

455
00:26:23,284 --> 00:26:26,184
I had no idea
how mind-numbingly boring

456
00:26:26,186 --> 00:26:29,053
good detective work could be.

457
00:26:33,792 --> 00:26:36,493
Days into the stakeout, and I only had one

458
00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:39,229
solid suspect.

459
00:26:39,231 --> 00:26:41,297
I had picked up on an interesting gentleman

460
00:26:41,299 --> 00:26:43,966
that would visit miss Lee's
residence every day

461
00:26:43,968 --> 00:26:46,301
to deliver her mail.

462
00:26:46,303 --> 00:26:48,936
He wore the appropriate
uniform and a government-issued

463
00:26:48,938 --> 00:26:51,772
mail bag, but I had my doubts.

464
00:26:51,774 --> 00:26:55,775
There was one glaring flaw
in his mailman disguise.

465
00:26:55,777 --> 00:26:57,576
He was Jewish.

466
00:26:57,578 --> 00:27:00,378
The unicorn, the chupacabra,
the mighty jackalope,

467
00:27:00,380 --> 00:27:03,147
and may I present mythical
creature number four,

468
00:27:03,149 --> 00:27:05,015
the Jewish mail man.

469
00:27:05,017 --> 00:27:07,450
Good morning, 17251.

470
00:27:07,452 --> 00:27:09,218
South.

471
00:27:13,623 --> 00:27:15,556
Sir, I only feel it's fair to tell you

472
00:27:15,558 --> 00:27:17,424
that I work for the united
states postal service.

473
00:27:17,426 --> 00:27:18,858
You show up every day at three o'clock

474
00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:21,861
to miss Lee's house, why?

475
00:27:21,863 --> 00:27:23,495
I deliver the mail.

476
00:27:23,497 --> 00:27:25,497
Is that so?

477
00:27:29,102 --> 00:27:31,602
His story checked out.

478
00:27:32,771 --> 00:27:35,571
Hey.

479
00:27:35,573 --> 00:27:37,573
Are you Rock Slyde?

480
00:27:37,575 --> 00:27:39,775
Yes, I am.

481
00:27:39,777 --> 00:27:41,777
From<i> the jolly Roger.</i>

482
00:27:41,779 --> 00:27:43,578
No.

483
00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,112
Wow.

484
00:27:45,114 --> 00:27:47,881
Never use your real name

485
00:27:47,883 --> 00:27:49,816
as your stage name.

486
00:27:49,818 --> 00:27:51,117
I gotta get your autograph.

487
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:53,018
You're a pioneer, man.

488
00:27:53,020 --> 00:27:55,520
You know, you blazed the trail for the whole

489
00:27:55,522 --> 00:27:57,054
gay musical porno thing.

490
00:27:57,056 --> 00:27:58,789
Man, man.

491
00:27:58,791 --> 00:28:00,290
Wrong guy.

492
00:28:00,292 --> 00:28:03,159
Wait till I tell the guys
at boys r us I met you.

493
00:28:03,161 --> 00:28:05,761
You got the wrong guy.

494
00:28:05,763 --> 00:28:08,430
Really?

495
00:28:08,432 --> 00:28:12,600
I was the other bosom buddy, so...

496
00:28:15,638 --> 00:28:16,837
Sorry.

497
00:28:16,839 --> 00:28:18,171
It's okay.

498
00:28:18,173 --> 00:28:21,774
Happens all the time.

499
00:28:21,776 --> 00:28:23,909
I'm gonna rain or sleet it.

500
00:28:23,911 --> 00:28:25,710
Sorry about that.

501
00:28:28,548 --> 00:28:31,682
You look just like him!

502
00:28:52,301 --> 00:28:53,500
Judy.

503
00:28:58,672 --> 00:29:00,238
Sorry, rock.

504
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,708
Didn't know you were there.

505
00:29:06,746 --> 00:29:11,615
- I found them under your desk.
- I was young and underpaid.

506
00:29:11,617 --> 00:29:14,517
It was cold, you know.

507
00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:15,651
Yeah.

508
00:29:15,653 --> 00:29:17,486
Filmin' on the high seas, and...

509
00:29:17,488 --> 00:29:19,521
That's what I thought.
It's what I figured.

510
00:29:19,523 --> 00:29:22,557
The fluffer, she was off that day.

511
00:29:22,559 --> 00:29:25,159
That's a shame.

512
00:29:25,161 --> 00:29:28,295
Yeah. Say, how's that
miss Lee case going?

513
00:29:28,297 --> 00:29:29,496
Please don't judge me.

514
00:29:29,498 --> 00:29:30,964
No, I won't.

515
00:29:30,966 --> 00:29:32,532
I won't.

516
00:29:32,534 --> 00:29:35,034
Rock, what, you talkin' about
that gay porn thing?

517
00:29:35,036 --> 00:29:39,370
Jeez, I already forgot about it.

518
00:29:39,372 --> 00:29:41,839
That's one of the reasons why susie left me,

519
00:29:41,841 --> 00:29:43,574
took the kid.

520
00:29:45,945 --> 00:29:48,078
I'm sorry.

521
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,954
I put on a brave face,
like the jolly Roger did

522
00:29:58,956 --> 00:30:00,388
when he had to stand up with his men

523
00:30:00,390 --> 00:30:02,323
and fight against the mysterious creature

524
00:30:02,325 --> 00:30:06,927
known simply as the jabberwanker.

525
00:30:06,929 --> 00:30:09,162
But on the inside, I hurt.

526
00:30:15,769 --> 00:30:18,469
Judy.

527
00:30:18,471 --> 00:30:20,537
Please don't sing that song.

528
00:30:20,539 --> 00:30:23,106
Sorry, rock.

529
00:30:23,108 --> 00:30:24,407
It's a catchy tune.

530
00:30:24,409 --> 00:30:27,476
Got it stuck up here in my noggin, you know?

531
00:30:47,230 --> 00:30:49,496
I was late to start my day at miss Lee's.

532
00:30:49,498 --> 00:30:51,164
Good thing I had picked up breakfast

533
00:30:51,166 --> 00:30:52,732
for the road.

534
00:30:52,734 --> 00:30:55,568
With no reasonable leads,
no concrete suspects,

535
00:30:55,570 --> 00:30:57,836
and a potentially pending restraining order

536
00:30:57,838 --> 00:30:59,504
from the Jewish postal alliance,

537
00:30:59,506 --> 00:31:01,939
I decided it was time to have a serious talk

538
00:31:01,941 --> 00:31:03,907
with my client.

539
00:31:03,909 --> 00:31:05,742
Well, miss Lee, I think our case

540
00:31:05,744 --> 00:31:09,745
may be coming to a close.

541
00:31:09,747 --> 00:31:11,346
What do you mean?

542
00:31:11,348 --> 00:31:13,247
I've been out of the office,
watching you like a hawk

543
00:31:13,249 --> 00:31:17,450
every day, and I failed
to see this pursuant once.

544
00:31:17,452 --> 00:31:18,918
Can I ask you a question?

545
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:19,952
Yeah.

546
00:31:19,954 --> 00:31:21,386
No, maybe.

547
00:31:21,388 --> 00:31:23,788
Does it involve musical porn?

548
00:31:29,194 --> 00:31:31,160
Fortunately, just like the academy

549
00:31:31,162 --> 00:31:32,861
or the Hollywood foreign press,

550
00:31:32,863 --> 00:31:38,599
miss Lee had no knowledge
of the musical porn genre.

551
00:31:38,601 --> 00:31:41,802
However, she did convince me
to stay on the case.

552
00:31:41,804 --> 00:31:43,804
Plus, I was broke.

553
00:31:49,111 --> 00:31:50,643
Judy.

554
00:31:55,215 --> 00:31:58,382
They did a real top drawer job.

555
00:31:58,384 --> 00:32:00,450
I needed to search for clues to determine

556
00:32:00,452 --> 00:32:03,319
who was at the bottom of this.

557
00:32:03,321 --> 00:32:05,321
Bartology cookies.

558
00:32:05,323 --> 00:32:08,324
Fairly significant clue.

559
00:32:10,361 --> 00:32:13,295
Damn dirty bartologists.

560
00:32:13,297 --> 00:32:16,398
They left their calling cards
all over my office.

561
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,334
Must have wanted to send me
a little message.

562
00:32:19,336 --> 00:32:21,302
Probably just some
low-ranking minions

563
00:32:21,304 --> 00:32:25,138
doing some light to moderate hazing.

564
00:32:25,140 --> 00:32:26,739
Or not.

565
00:32:31,678 --> 00:32:33,678
Slip-resistant
non-marking soles

566
00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:38,816
made by a five-year-old
Indonesian boy, size 10.

567
00:32:39,819 --> 00:32:42,052
Bart.

568
00:32:47,892 --> 00:32:49,625
Yah?

569
00:32:58,168 --> 00:33:02,102
So, we don't open

570
00:33:02,104 --> 00:33:06,172
until seven A.M.,
so, danke schön.

571
00:33:06,174 --> 00:33:08,240
I let former president Alexander Hamilton

572
00:33:08,242 --> 00:33:09,407
do my talking.

573
00:33:09,409 --> 00:33:13,810
The... we are a nonprofit
organization.

574
00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:21,750
Don't forget to write this little bribe off

575
00:33:21,752 --> 00:33:24,018
for the tax purposes.

576
00:33:24,020 --> 00:33:25,386
Yeah, and deductions?

577
00:33:25,388 --> 00:33:26,220
Sounds fraudulent.

578
00:33:26,222 --> 00:33:27,721
Nein.

579
00:33:27,723 --> 00:33:30,990
There is only truth here
at the house of bartology,

580
00:33:30,992 --> 00:33:32,124
please come in.

581
00:33:32,126 --> 00:33:33,925
Not here for taxes or truth,

582
00:33:33,927 --> 00:33:37,662
I'm here for answers.

583
00:33:37,664 --> 00:33:40,364
Actually, truth would be nice to,

584
00:33:40,366 --> 00:33:44,234
incorporate in the answer portion.

585
00:33:44,236 --> 00:33:46,803
Then you've come to the right place.

586
00:33:46,805 --> 00:33:48,204
Please, have a seat.

587
00:33:48,206 --> 00:33:49,672
No seats, either, where's Bart?

588
00:33:49,674 --> 00:33:51,707
The blessed guru does not arrive

589
00:33:51,709 --> 00:33:53,709
until noontime.

590
00:33:53,711 --> 00:33:57,745
Here, these are some free
personal evaluation forms

591
00:33:57,747 --> 00:33:59,046
for you to fill out.

592
00:33:59,048 --> 00:34:00,814
Fill them out!

593
00:34:00,816 --> 00:34:04,284
And I'll get you some free cookies.

594
00:34:04,286 --> 00:34:06,586
Here they are.

595
00:34:06,588 --> 00:34:07,787
Pass.

596
00:34:07,789 --> 00:34:10,422
You must not pass.

597
00:34:10,424 --> 00:34:11,489
They're free.

598
00:34:11,491 --> 00:34:13,290
If you will eat them.

599
00:34:13,292 --> 00:34:16,059
Everyone enjoys them.

600
00:34:19,431 --> 00:34:22,098
Once you completely fill out the forms,

601
00:34:22,100 --> 00:34:23,499
we will then be able to determine

602
00:34:23,501 --> 00:34:28,203
what a terrible und lacking person you are.

603
00:34:28,205 --> 00:34:30,605
That enables us to determine

604
00:34:30,607 --> 00:34:35,276
which bartology pathway best suits you.

605
00:34:35,278 --> 00:34:37,878
Enjoy.

606
00:34:41,049 --> 00:34:42,882
Und I'll just need
your social security number,

607
00:34:42,884 --> 00:34:45,618
your bank account information,
and your MySpace passwords.

608
00:34:45,620 --> 00:34:47,086
It's absolutely normal, there's...

609
00:34:47,088 --> 00:34:48,654
no dice.

610
00:34:48,656 --> 00:34:51,623
You tell Bart Rock Slyde means business.

611
00:34:56,496 --> 00:34:58,863
What sort of business?

612
00:35:02,668 --> 00:35:04,701
By the time I had walked back to my office,

613
00:35:04,703 --> 00:35:06,602
the bartologist had already followed up

614
00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:10,172
with another personal evaluation form.

615
00:35:10,174 --> 00:35:13,808
They were good.

616
00:35:13,810 --> 00:35:16,877
The little German said
it could change my life.

617
00:35:16,879 --> 00:35:20,947
I decided to give it a shot.

618
00:35:20,949 --> 00:35:23,816
Maybe he was right,
maybe something was missing.

619
00:35:23,818 --> 00:35:27,152
For example, why do I rely
on positive ebay feedback

620
00:35:27,154 --> 00:35:31,656
to boost my self-image?

621
00:35:31,658 --> 00:35:34,592
I find myself putting everything
I own on ebay auctions,

622
00:35:34,594 --> 00:35:37,394
just to feel the rush
when a buyer is satisfied

623
00:35:37,396 --> 00:35:39,129
and gives me praise.

624
00:35:39,131 --> 00:35:42,298
Like when 2bearfurry gives me
a star and comments on me

625
00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:45,901
by saying I'm an a  seller,
he'd buy from me again.

626
00:35:48,939 --> 00:35:52,874
It's good to have people
that love you in your life.

627
00:35:52,876 --> 00:35:54,976
Even if it is only because
you sold 'em a pair

628
00:35:54,978 --> 00:35:57,478
of steel reinforced
police-issue handcuffs

629
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:00,981
for $11.37 plus shipping
and handling.

630
00:36:00,983 --> 00:36:03,817
Besides, if a healthy dose
of the feedback forum page

631
00:36:03,819 --> 00:36:08,521
is my only addiction, then my vices are few.

632
00:36:08,523 --> 00:36:10,923
I'm just fine.

633
00:36:13,994 --> 00:36:15,360
Something was odd.

634
00:36:15,362 --> 00:36:19,096
Judy bee usually shows up
at approximately 7:30 A.M.

635
00:36:19,098 --> 00:36:21,698
To start her day.

636
00:36:21,700 --> 00:36:25,168
Coffee by 7:38 A.M.

637
00:36:25,170 --> 00:36:27,570
And the bartologist recruits
begin their sprints

638
00:36:27,572 --> 00:36:31,840
at exactly 7:43.

639
00:36:31,842 --> 00:36:35,143
The bartologists had begun
their daily exercise regimen,

640
00:36:35,145 --> 00:36:38,813
but no Judy bee and no coffee.

641
00:36:53,094 --> 00:36:55,427
Judy.

642
00:36:55,429 --> 00:36:56,528
Hi, rock.

643
00:36:56,530 --> 00:36:58,229
I'm not coming in today.

644
00:36:58,231 --> 00:37:00,898
I'm calling in sick.

645
00:37:03,302 --> 00:37:04,934
This is outrageous.

646
00:37:04,936 --> 00:37:07,603
To come into my office
and take away something

647
00:37:07,605 --> 00:37:09,838
so dear to me.

648
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:14,408
My ability to have
freshly brewed Colombian coffee.

649
00:37:14,410 --> 00:37:16,777
I needed time to think, to devise a plan,

650
00:37:16,779 --> 00:37:20,247
I needed a coffee and had absolutely no idea

651
00:37:20,249 --> 00:37:24,283
how to work the coffee maker.

652
00:37:24,285 --> 00:37:27,019
Damn you, bartology.

653
00:37:30,491 --> 00:37:33,525
Can I get you
some breakfast, Mr. slyde?

654
00:37:33,527 --> 00:37:36,227
Another cup of hot Joe.

655
00:37:36,229 --> 00:37:37,861
'Course.

656
00:37:41,533 --> 00:37:44,333
Something the matter this morning?

657
00:37:44,335 --> 00:37:45,901
What is it?

658
00:37:45,903 --> 00:37:46,668
Nothing.

659
00:37:46,670 --> 00:37:48,202
You can tell me anything.

660
00:37:48,204 --> 00:37:50,437
Nothing, really.

661
00:37:50,439 --> 00:37:51,704
Just, all right, have you ever had

662
00:37:51,706 --> 00:37:53,172
someone you care about snatched by

663
00:37:53,174 --> 00:37:56,742
a quasi-religious cult
whose primary goal

664
00:37:56,744 --> 00:37:58,677
rests on destroying your business

665
00:37:58,679 --> 00:38:03,514
and commandeering your office space?

666
00:38:03,516 --> 00:38:05,148
I cannot say that I have.

667
00:38:05,150 --> 00:38:06,182
Yeah.

668
00:38:06,184 --> 00:38:07,550
That's what I thought.

669
00:38:07,552 --> 00:38:10,152
I've never cared deeply about someone.

670
00:38:10,154 --> 00:38:11,686
Do you love her?

671
00:38:11,688 --> 00:38:13,154
I can't love, it's impossible for me

672
00:38:13,156 --> 00:38:17,290
to ever feel that emotion again,
my heart is frozen.

673
00:38:17,292 --> 00:38:19,258
Maybe I can thaw it for you.

674
00:38:19,260 --> 00:38:21,760
A thousand monkeys
operating a thousand microwaves

675
00:38:21,762 --> 00:38:25,063
for a thousand years
couldn't thaw this icy heart.

676
00:38:25,065 --> 00:38:30,234
It's beautifully melancholic and yet so...

677
00:38:30,236 --> 00:38:33,303
So tragically poetic.

678
00:38:35,173 --> 00:38:38,774
I'm sorry, it's just not Judy's.

679
00:38:38,776 --> 00:38:40,375
Well, there are other things
I can do for you

680
00:38:40,377 --> 00:38:41,776
that Judy bee cannot.

681
00:38:41,778 --> 00:38:43,144
- Laundry?
- Sex.

682
00:38:46,315 --> 00:38:51,450
I've taken quite a liking to you, rock.

683
00:38:51,452 --> 00:38:54,886
Do you find me attractive?

684
00:38:54,888 --> 00:38:57,188
She was strangely alluring.

685
00:38:57,190 --> 00:38:59,390
Or was it the fact that I hadn't gotten any

686
00:38:59,392 --> 00:39:02,226
in a really long time?

687
00:39:02,228 --> 00:39:06,662
Are you attracted to me?

688
00:39:06,664 --> 00:39:10,499
Sorry, I like black women.

689
00:39:10,501 --> 00:39:12,000
It started off as a phase, really.

690
00:39:12,002 --> 00:39:14,335
I was young and found myself
watching "soul train"

691
00:39:14,337 --> 00:39:16,170
every Saturday morning.

692
00:39:16,172 --> 00:39:20,307
It really was the chicken
or the egg theory at work.

693
00:39:20,309 --> 00:39:23,009
Did I like black women
because I watched "soul train"

694
00:39:23,011 --> 00:39:28,013
or did I watch "soul train"
because I liked black women?

695
00:39:28,015 --> 00:39:30,482
All the women were compelling, even the lone

696
00:39:30,484 --> 00:39:33,751
ever-present
dancing Asian girl.

697
00:39:33,753 --> 00:39:36,386
But it was the images of those
African queens,

698
00:39:36,388 --> 00:39:38,721
shaking what the good lord
gave 'em, that I could never

699
00:39:38,723 --> 00:39:40,089
get out of my head.

700
00:39:47,797 --> 00:39:49,763
I didn't see that one coming.

701
00:39:49,765 --> 00:39:51,698
I gave a white woman a shot.

702
00:39:51,700 --> 00:39:52,899
Her name was Susan.

703
00:39:52,901 --> 00:39:54,467
We were married, had a kid.

704
00:39:54,469 --> 00:39:56,368
She left me, end of story.

705
00:39:56,370 --> 00:40:00,138
You have to give white women
a chance again, rock.

706
00:40:00,140 --> 00:40:02,740
I'm sorry, miss Lee,
but just like Dorothy's tin man,

707
00:40:02,742 --> 00:40:05,776
I too simply have no heart.

708
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,878
I'm not giving up on you, rock.

709
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:09,479
A lost cause, miss Lee.

710
00:40:09,481 --> 00:40:12,215
Save it for someone else.

711
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:18,253
No.

712
00:40:18,255 --> 00:40:20,188
Please.

713
00:40:33,036 --> 00:40:35,636
Yah, blessed guru, you wished to see me?

714
00:40:35,638 --> 00:40:38,238
We have an update from down...

715
00:40:41,610 --> 00:40:45,445
Mr. Rock Slyde
in the office below

716
00:40:45,447 --> 00:40:50,015
has gone from a nuisance to a Nemesis.

717
00:40:50,017 --> 00:40:52,750
Yah, he's been snooping...

718
00:40:55,254 --> 00:40:57,754
he has been shnooping...

719
00:40:57,756 --> 00:40:59,922
he has been snooping around.

720
00:40:59,924 --> 00:41:04,859
I do not want to see his face
in this church at all.

721
00:41:04,861 --> 00:41:08,195
Well, we've begun a new phase with...

722
00:41:10,465 --> 00:41:12,531
we've begun a new phase.

723
00:41:12,533 --> 00:41:16,033
We have his secretary.

724
00:41:16,035 --> 00:41:17,901
Judy...

725
00:41:21,373 --> 00:41:23,940
and once the evaluation beings...

726
00:41:25,510 --> 00:41:26,909
she would...

727
00:41:26,911 --> 00:41:28,043
answer...

728
00:41:28,045 --> 00:41:29,644
all the...

729
00:41:29,646 --> 00:41:31,612
questions...

730
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,580
from the evaluation specialist...

731
00:41:33,582 --> 00:41:36,282
damn!

732
00:41:36,284 --> 00:41:39,551
From the evaluation specialist...

733
00:41:39,553 --> 00:41:41,953
s...

734
00:42:07,313 --> 00:42:09,046
Good.

735
00:42:09,048 --> 00:42:11,715
Then everything is going exactly as planned.

736
00:42:11,717 --> 00:42:13,817
His business could not possibly survive

737
00:42:13,819 --> 00:42:16,886
without Judy bee.

738
00:42:16,888 --> 00:42:19,288
It will crumble from within,

739
00:42:19,290 --> 00:42:23,191
and we will be there to pick up the pieces.

740
00:42:37,305 --> 00:42:39,004
You may go.

741
00:42:39,006 --> 00:42:40,405
Okay.

742
00:42:45,812 --> 00:42:47,211
Okay, Judy.

743
00:42:47,213 --> 00:42:50,180
Before we begin the evaluation process,

744
00:42:50,182 --> 00:42:52,215
do you have any questions at all?

745
00:42:52,217 --> 00:42:55,117
Yeah, do you have any questions?

746
00:42:55,119 --> 00:42:56,852
Will I be a better person?

747
00:42:56,854 --> 00:42:58,019
Of course you will, darling.

748
00:42:58,021 --> 00:43:01,489
Yeah, have some more cookies.

749
00:43:01,491 --> 00:43:03,924
Now, I need you to answer
all these questions

750
00:43:03,926 --> 00:43:07,193
as openly and as honestly as possible.

751
00:43:07,195 --> 00:43:09,628
And if you do, you will be treated

752
00:43:09,630 --> 00:43:12,931
with kindness and charity.

753
00:43:12,933 --> 00:43:15,266
How do you feel about your mother?

754
00:43:15,268 --> 00:43:16,467
I love her dearly...

755
00:43:16,469 --> 00:43:21,605
and how does herr slyde feel about his muti?

756
00:43:21,607 --> 00:43:22,906
His mother.

757
00:43:22,908 --> 00:43:26,209
His mother, his mom, how does he feel?

758
00:43:26,211 --> 00:43:28,844
She is a plump and unpleasant woman.

759
00:43:28,846 --> 00:43:31,546
He had a hard life.

760
00:43:31,548 --> 00:43:34,782
There is a surplus of cookies available now

761
00:43:34,784 --> 00:43:37,217
in the main floor library.

762
00:43:37,219 --> 00:43:39,452
You're welcome.

763
00:43:39,454 --> 00:43:41,387
Computer.

764
00:43:50,096 --> 00:43:51,728
Perfect.

765
00:43:53,898 --> 00:43:55,765
Intercom.

766
00:43:59,936 --> 00:44:02,469
Frau bee...

767
00:44:02,471 --> 00:44:05,839
What are herr slyde's weaknesses?

768
00:44:05,841 --> 00:44:08,541
How do we get to him?

769
00:44:08,543 --> 00:44:09,708
What are his...

770
00:44:09,710 --> 00:44:11,443
Inner demons?

771
00:44:11,445 --> 00:44:14,279
And what's his favorite color?

772
00:44:17,884 --> 00:44:20,417
Judy bee hadn't shown up to work in a week.

773
00:44:20,419 --> 00:44:23,820
I hadn't had my coffee
and I was ready to call it quits

774
00:44:23,822 --> 00:44:25,755
on Sara Lee's case.

775
00:44:25,757 --> 00:44:27,590
Judy!

776
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,226
Judy, hey.

777
00:44:31,228 --> 00:44:32,660
Judy, what are you doin'?

778
00:44:32,662 --> 00:44:34,028
Hello rock.

779
00:44:34,030 --> 00:44:35,829
I didn't see you there.

780
00:44:35,831 --> 00:44:37,697
How are you today?

781
00:44:37,699 --> 00:44:41,033
Where have you been and why
are you talkin' like that?

782
00:44:41,035 --> 00:44:43,402
The church of bartology, rock.

783
00:44:43,404 --> 00:44:47,605
This is what a terrible person
I was here with you.

784
00:44:47,607 --> 00:44:48,672
That is not true.

785
00:44:48,674 --> 00:44:50,407
Judy, don't believe this.

786
00:44:50,409 --> 00:44:53,943
Soon I will be a productive
member of society again.

787
00:44:53,945 --> 00:44:55,744
Snap out of it, Judy, Judy, please,

788
00:44:55,746 --> 00:44:58,146
for the love of God.

789
00:44:59,749 --> 00:45:03,350
You gotta show me how to use
that coffee maker.

790
00:45:07,622 --> 00:45:09,888
Where are you goin' with my files, Judy?

791
00:45:09,890 --> 00:45:12,090
The church of bartology.

792
00:45:12,092 --> 00:45:14,525
No, you're not.

793
00:45:19,598 --> 00:45:23,098
All right, Judy, you are not
goin' anywhere today.

794
00:45:24,668 --> 00:45:27,568
I have to go watch
Sara Lee at her residence.

795
00:45:27,570 --> 00:45:29,770
What if the phone rings?

796
00:45:29,772 --> 00:45:30,604
Good thinkin', Judy.

797
00:45:30,606 --> 00:45:32,639
Answer it.

798
00:45:32,641 --> 00:45:33,940
It could be business.

799
00:45:33,942 --> 00:45:35,942
You cannot keep me here.

800
00:45:35,944 --> 00:45:39,545
The power of bartology is far too great.

801
00:45:39,547 --> 00:45:43,048
Judy, I am not gonna let them
control your mind, okay?

802
00:45:43,050 --> 00:45:45,950
You stay put and I'll be back by lunch.

803
00:45:46,953 --> 00:45:49,520
Pastrami on rye okay?

804
00:45:49,522 --> 00:45:51,555
Bologna.

805
00:45:54,226 --> 00:45:56,960
Miss Lee was not at her residence.

806
00:45:56,962 --> 00:45:59,128
It was noon and a weekday

807
00:45:59,130 --> 00:46:01,797
so I knew where I could find her.

808
00:46:01,799 --> 00:46:06,167
Besides, I could really use
a stiff drink myself.

809
00:46:06,169 --> 00:46:08,002
More ginger ale, sir?

810
00:46:08,004 --> 00:46:10,237
Don't be shy with it.

811
00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:11,605
Tell me about your wife.

812
00:46:11,607 --> 00:46:14,574
What was she like?

813
00:46:14,576 --> 00:46:16,242
She was beautiful

814
00:46:16,244 --> 00:46:19,578
and so full of life.

815
00:46:19,580 --> 00:46:21,046
I'm sorry.

816
00:46:21,048 --> 00:46:22,280
I didn't know she passed.

817
00:46:22,282 --> 00:46:23,681
She lives in palmdale.

818
00:46:25,151 --> 00:46:27,251
She ran off with a fellow
that looks like balki

819
00:46:27,253 --> 00:46:28,752
from "perfect strangers"

820
00:46:28,754 --> 00:46:31,321
or cousin Larry...
I really can't remember.

821
00:46:31,323 --> 00:46:34,624
Maybe it was sort of both,

822
00:46:34,626 --> 00:46:38,127
like a balki/cousin Larry
illegitimate lovechild.

823
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:40,262
Ghastly.

824
00:46:40,264 --> 00:46:42,497
She had big dreams in a small town.

825
00:46:42,499 --> 00:46:45,399
She didn't have the resources
to chase celebrities

826
00:46:45,401 --> 00:46:48,935
so she became addicted
to men that look like them.

827
00:46:48,937 --> 00:46:51,637
You have a beautiful face.

828
00:46:53,674 --> 00:46:55,373
Thank you.

829
00:46:57,143 --> 00:46:58,709
It was 1986,

830
00:46:58,711 --> 00:47:02,345
the first season
of "perfect strangers" on abc.

831
00:47:04,182 --> 00:47:05,948
Don't be scared.

832
00:47:05,950 --> 00:47:08,984
I'm not, I just don't like
people touching me.

833
00:47:14,324 --> 00:47:16,791
It was an entertaining
afternoon with miss Lee,

834
00:47:16,793 --> 00:47:19,260
but I was eager to get back to real life,

835
00:47:19,262 --> 00:47:22,863
to Judy bee, to the bartologists.

836
00:47:31,540 --> 00:47:32,872
Judy?

837
00:47:32,874 --> 00:47:36,342
Got you your bologna sandwi...

838
00:47:36,344 --> 00:47:40,245
Damn, the bartologists strike again.

839
00:47:40,247 --> 00:47:41,546
This is a devastating blow.

840
00:47:41,548 --> 00:47:44,615
Judy bee could be
in grave dange... yes!

841
00:47:44,617 --> 00:47:46,683
Coffee!

842
00:47:55,226 --> 00:47:57,125
Monkeys to the front desk, monkeys to the...

843
00:47:57,127 --> 00:47:57,959
where's Judy?

844
00:47:57,961 --> 00:47:59,060
Herr slyde.

845
00:48:00,129 --> 00:48:01,461
So good to see you again.

846
00:48:01,463 --> 00:48:04,130
How unusual.

847
00:48:04,132 --> 00:48:05,664
I wanna join the house of bartology.

848
00:48:05,666 --> 00:48:07,465
Yeah, sure you do.

849
00:48:07,467 --> 00:48:10,201
I'm a horrible person and I have lots of...

850
00:48:10,203 --> 00:48:11,235
nice try.

851
00:48:11,237 --> 00:48:13,203
Look, I'm... I'm stupid

852
00:48:13,205 --> 00:48:14,904
and dumb, and,

853
00:48:14,906 --> 00:48:17,640
I smell bad like a rancid ape.

854
00:48:17,642 --> 00:48:19,508
My mother hates me.

855
00:48:19,510 --> 00:48:20,442
I got problems.

856
00:48:20,444 --> 00:48:23,344
I pee in the shower and,

857
00:48:23,346 --> 00:48:25,045
I still think pluto's a planet.

858
00:48:25,047 --> 00:48:26,846
I don't care what anybody says,

859
00:48:26,848 --> 00:48:28,480
I'm a fan of Dane cook's.

860
00:48:28,482 --> 00:48:31,582
Bartology, I need your help.

861
00:48:34,086 --> 00:48:36,052
We have special instructions

862
00:48:36,054 --> 00:48:40,923
straight from the mouth
of the blessed guru himself.

863
00:48:40,925 --> 00:48:42,124
Bart.

864
00:48:42,126 --> 00:48:43,458
Yeah, besides,

865
00:48:43,460 --> 00:48:46,794
frau bee brought by your credit report.

866
00:48:46,796 --> 00:48:51,698
I didn't even realize
that 17 was a fica score.

867
00:49:00,307 --> 00:49:03,741
That morning, I had received
a disturbing message from Judy.

868
00:49:03,743 --> 00:49:06,076
She was moving in with the bartologists

869
00:49:06,078 --> 00:49:08,645
and would not be reporting back to work.

870
00:49:08,647 --> 00:49:10,580
Wasn't even about the coffee anymore;

871
00:49:10,582 --> 00:49:13,616
It has come to my attention that I may...

872
00:49:13,618 --> 00:49:14,783
Miss her.

873
00:49:20,590 --> 00:49:23,457
I needed to find out exactly
what the bartologists' van

874
00:49:23,459 --> 00:49:26,660
was doing outside of my client's house.

875
00:49:46,581 --> 00:49:47,746
Coming!

876
00:49:47,748 --> 00:49:49,647
I needed to be smooth to get to the bottom

877
00:49:49,649 --> 00:49:52,316
of the bartology/sara Lee connection,

878
00:49:52,318 --> 00:49:53,817
to not show her my hand,

879
00:49:53,819 --> 00:49:57,086
to play it cool and keep
an unyielding poker face.

880
00:49:57,088 --> 00:49:58,787
Are you a bartologist?

881
00:49:58,789 --> 00:49:59,888
To not do that.

882
00:49:59,890 --> 00:50:02,223
Is that an accusation
of some sort, Mr. slyde?

883
00:50:02,225 --> 00:50:05,025
Because I have to say I am deeply offended.

884
00:50:05,027 --> 00:50:07,394
Answer the question, ma'am.

885
00:50:07,396 --> 00:50:11,264
I prefer to keep my religion
and my politics to myself,

886
00:50:11,266 --> 00:50:14,100
although the rest of me is wide open.

887
00:50:14,102 --> 00:50:16,568
Like this door?

888
00:50:19,139 --> 00:50:20,738
Sorry about that.

889
00:50:20,740 --> 00:50:22,372
Come in.

890
00:50:27,979 --> 00:50:29,912
Are you a bartologist?

891
00:50:29,914 --> 00:50:31,246
Rock, don't ask me that.

892
00:50:31,248 --> 00:50:33,381
Answer the question.

893
00:50:33,383 --> 00:50:34,448
What do you want me to say?

894
00:50:34,450 --> 00:50:35,615
Just answer me, that's all.

895
00:50:35,617 --> 00:50:37,416
All right, yes, it's true!

896
00:50:37,418 --> 00:50:40,318
Is that what you wanted to hear?

897
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:43,187
It all started to make sense:

898
00:50:43,189 --> 00:50:45,055
The van,

899
00:50:45,057 --> 00:50:47,690
the pyramid paraphernalia.

900
00:50:47,692 --> 00:50:50,893
I had just written it off as coincidence.

901
00:50:53,297 --> 00:50:55,430
Rock, I didn't mean to hurt you.

902
00:50:55,432 --> 00:50:58,166
You are one sick breed, miss Sara Lee,

903
00:50:58,168 --> 00:51:00,801
if that is your real name.

904
00:51:00,803 --> 00:51:03,103
I can't believe I opened up to you.

905
00:51:03,105 --> 00:51:07,039
Rock, I'm not even a practicing bartologist.

906
00:51:07,041 --> 00:51:08,707
I... I signed up,
but I never went

907
00:51:08,709 --> 00:51:12,242
to the required new recruit
initiation film and seminar.

908
00:51:12,244 --> 00:51:13,142
Why then?

909
00:51:13,144 --> 00:51:14,943
Why do it?

910
00:51:14,945 --> 00:51:17,278
'Cause I was lonely.

911
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:19,713
I needed friends.

912
00:51:19,715 --> 00:51:22,048
In case you haven't noticed, I'm...

913
00:51:22,050 --> 00:51:24,417
I'm alone.

914
00:51:24,419 --> 00:51:26,585
I mean, I have no one.

915
00:51:26,587 --> 00:51:31,522
I have noticed, I've been doing
surveillance on you, remember?

916
00:51:31,524 --> 00:51:32,856
After I paid the initiation fee,

917
00:51:32,858 --> 00:51:34,891
I realized that it wasn't for me,

918
00:51:34,893 --> 00:51:36,959
but they...

919
00:51:36,961 --> 00:51:41,029
Came around and made me feel so special.

920
00:51:41,031 --> 00:51:42,731
They asked me to do a little task for them

921
00:51:42,733 --> 00:51:46,668
to help them grow the house of bartology.

922
00:51:46,670 --> 00:51:48,770
This whole thing is a sham set up by Bart

923
00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:51,272
to get me out of my office.

924
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:53,807
I just wanted them to like me.

925
00:51:53,809 --> 00:51:55,041
Women.

926
00:51:55,043 --> 00:51:56,142
Figures.

927
00:51:56,144 --> 00:51:58,043
But then I met you.

928
00:51:58,045 --> 00:51:59,811
Rock, you're so different.

929
00:51:59,813 --> 00:52:03,547
That's precisely why I do not
become friends with my clients.

930
00:52:03,549 --> 00:52:04,915
But we're friends, right?

931
00:52:04,917 --> 00:52:06,650
Friends don't do this to friends.

932
00:52:08,387 --> 00:52:11,054
So you're friends with me
because you actually like me

933
00:52:11,056 --> 00:52:14,157
as opposed to the bartologists
who pretend to be my friend

934
00:52:14,159 --> 00:52:17,559
because I paid them
a huge, extortionate fee.

935
00:52:18,828 --> 00:52:22,596
That reminds me, you owe me
200 dollars for the day.

936
00:52:22,598 --> 00:52:24,965
Right, of course.

937
00:52:28,837 --> 00:52:31,304
It's a shame that is has
to end this way, miss Lee.

938
00:52:31,306 --> 00:52:33,039
It doesn't have to end, rock.

939
00:52:33,041 --> 00:52:34,774
Yes, it does.

940
00:52:34,776 --> 00:52:37,710
Rock, please, I'm a sad woman.

941
00:52:37,712 --> 00:52:40,145
My favorite days are Tuesdays.

942
00:52:42,649 --> 00:52:45,716
The day the new supermarket flyers come out.

943
00:52:45,718 --> 00:52:49,285
I rely on the feedback form
pages for friends

944
00:52:49,287 --> 00:52:51,954
and companionship.

945
00:52:51,956 --> 00:52:54,189
The ebay feedback forum.

946
00:52:56,259 --> 00:52:57,558
I know it's sad, rock,

947
00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:00,627
but I know you could never understand.

948
00:53:00,629 --> 00:53:03,229
No, I do understand.

949
00:53:07,133 --> 00:53:08,665
I'm sorry.

950
00:53:10,101 --> 00:53:11,767
I feel your pain.

951
00:53:14,571 --> 00:53:16,103
I'll do anything.

952
00:53:16,105 --> 00:53:18,171
I just want to be with you.

953
00:53:21,442 --> 00:53:23,608
Wow.

954
00:53:23,610 --> 00:53:25,977
Funny how the air smelled a little sweeter,

955
00:53:25,979 --> 00:53:28,312
the birds sang a little smoother,

956
00:53:28,314 --> 00:53:30,747
and I felt so alive.

957
00:53:32,183 --> 00:53:36,284
I'm not sure, but I think
I almost got to first base.

958
00:53:46,161 --> 00:53:49,662
Obviously made by a key
from a 2007 escalade,

959
00:53:49,664 --> 00:53:52,965
jet black, four-wheel drive.

960
00:53:55,836 --> 00:53:58,303
Who was he and why did he want to harm

961
00:53:58,305 --> 00:54:01,005
my red mini mini sedan?

962
00:54:20,092 --> 00:54:22,225
Brtlgy.

963
00:54:22,227 --> 00:54:23,559
What did it mean?

964
00:54:23,561 --> 00:54:24,660
Where were the vowels?

965
00:54:24,662 --> 00:54:27,129
Was it some cryptic code?

966
00:55:08,171 --> 00:55:09,803
Hey man, can you spare a dime
or some change?

967
00:55:09,805 --> 00:55:10,737
I ain't eaten in days.

968
00:55:10,739 --> 00:55:13,606
I have nothing for you.

969
00:55:13,608 --> 00:55:14,940
Grab me a burger or somethin'?

970
00:55:14,942 --> 00:55:17,075
I'll tell you what I will do for you.

971
00:55:17,077 --> 00:55:20,278
I will let you lick the cheese
off my hamburger wrapper

972
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:22,079
when I'm done.

973
00:55:22,081 --> 00:55:24,513
Man, there ain't no cheese
on a hamburger wrapper.

974
00:55:25,916 --> 00:55:27,648
I know.

975
00:55:30,619 --> 00:55:33,218
Touché, Bart, touché.

976
00:55:35,755 --> 00:55:38,355
It's fair, he did it to me first.

977
00:55:42,693 --> 00:55:44,359
Hello, Mr. slyde.

978
00:55:44,361 --> 00:55:46,227
I believe you know Randy wonder,

979
00:55:46,229 --> 00:55:47,595
owner of wonder burger?

980
00:55:47,597 --> 00:55:49,163
Also a bartologist.

981
00:55:49,165 --> 00:55:52,533
Hello, I am a bartologist.

982
00:55:52,535 --> 00:55:54,434
Have a seat, Mr. slyde.

983
00:55:57,205 --> 00:56:01,106
Sorry for interrupting your little meeting.

984
00:56:01,108 --> 00:56:02,841
What, Bart, are you plannin' on pressin'

985
00:56:02,843 --> 00:56:04,442
your mind-controllin'
cookie substance

986
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:07,711
into the hamburger buns
of the wonder burger franchise

987
00:56:07,713 --> 00:56:10,613
so that you can gain control of the masses

988
00:56:10,615 --> 00:56:13,649
who consume the fine
wonder burger product worldwide

989
00:56:13,651 --> 00:56:16,385
and convert them to your religion?

990
00:56:16,387 --> 00:56:19,521
Not a bad idea, Mr. slyde.

991
00:56:19,523 --> 00:56:21,523
- Oops.
- Judy bee...

992
00:56:21,525 --> 00:56:23,625
I believe she is your assistant...

993
00:56:23,627 --> 00:56:27,394
has come to us seeking answers and truth.

994
00:56:27,396 --> 00:56:28,828
You can key my car, Bart,

995
00:56:28,830 --> 00:56:31,964
but you can't take my coffee maker.

996
00:56:31,966 --> 00:56:34,266
But I would never key your car,
Mr. slyde.

997
00:56:34,268 --> 00:56:35,533
- Never?
- Never ever.

998
00:56:35,535 --> 00:56:37,301
- Never ever ever?
- Never ever ever.

999
00:56:37,303 --> 00:56:38,635
Never ever infinity?

1000
00:56:38,637 --> 00:56:43,005
Yes, Mr. slyde,
never ever infinity.

1001
00:56:43,007 --> 00:56:45,340
Then how do you explain this?

1002
00:56:47,410 --> 00:56:49,076
Well,

1003
00:56:49,078 --> 00:56:54,547
obviously the inside of my key shaft is...

1004
00:56:54,549 --> 00:56:56,348
Painted red.

1005
00:56:56,350 --> 00:56:57,816
Robin red.

1006
00:56:57,818 --> 00:57:01,152
You're the detective.

1007
00:57:01,154 --> 00:57:02,186
Flightless Robin red.

1008
00:57:02,188 --> 00:57:03,487
This color was only used

1009
00:57:03,489 --> 00:57:04,988
on cars that were manufactured

1010
00:57:04,990 --> 00:57:06,823
in akron, Ohio, between '07 and '08.

1011
00:57:06,825 --> 00:57:08,224
I should know this...

1012
00:57:08,226 --> 00:57:09,625
because you own one.

1013
00:57:09,627 --> 00:57:11,827
Because I'm a detective

1014
00:57:11,829 --> 00:57:13,995
and I have a nose for this kind of stuff.

1015
00:57:13,997 --> 00:57:15,229
Enough.

1016
00:57:15,231 --> 00:57:16,463
I have your assistant,

1017
00:57:16,465 --> 00:57:17,797
I will soon have your lease.

1018
00:57:17,799 --> 00:57:19,231
I have no need for you.

1019
00:57:19,233 --> 00:57:21,967
I am in control of your life now.

1020
00:57:21,969 --> 00:57:24,869
Don't be so sure, Bart.

1021
00:57:24,871 --> 00:57:29,106
What word am I thinking of right now?

1022
00:57:29,108 --> 00:57:31,308
Pilates.

1023
00:57:31,310 --> 00:57:33,309
Gingivitis.

1024
00:57:35,446 --> 00:57:36,711
No.

1025
00:57:36,713 --> 00:57:38,913
No, that wasn't it.

1026
00:57:38,915 --> 00:57:41,282
I heard you were snooping
around my church this morning

1027
00:57:41,284 --> 00:57:43,017
before we were open for business.

1028
00:57:43,019 --> 00:57:46,320
How very unprofessional of you,
Mr. slyde.

1029
00:57:46,322 --> 00:57:49,856
Actually, I'm a detective,
so snooping is my job.

1030
00:57:49,858 --> 00:57:53,425
In fact, that was very professional of me.

1031
00:57:53,427 --> 00:57:54,492
I stand corrected.

1032
00:57:54,494 --> 00:57:56,894
How very professional of you.

1033
00:57:56,896 --> 00:57:58,729
By the way, I keyed your car.

1034
00:57:58,731 --> 00:58:00,363
Thought you should know.

1035
00:58:00,365 --> 00:58:01,764
You are a monster.

1036
00:58:01,766 --> 00:58:03,298
You're a religious man.

1037
00:58:03,300 --> 00:58:05,099
Eye for an eye.

1038
00:58:05,101 --> 00:58:06,366
You understand.

1039
00:58:06,368 --> 00:58:08,968
That car is like my child.

1040
00:58:13,407 --> 00:58:15,707
Great, table for two.

1041
00:58:15,709 --> 00:58:18,910
Me and the creepy guy.

1042
00:58:35,794 --> 00:58:37,460
My poor baby.

1043
00:58:42,033 --> 00:58:43,265
Well, I'll be damned.

1044
00:58:43,267 --> 00:58:45,467
Fat bum with a crowbar.

1045
00:58:46,603 --> 00:58:50,504
I will get you for this, Rock Slyde!

1046
00:58:52,741 --> 00:58:54,307
I had a lot to think about.

1047
00:58:54,309 --> 00:58:57,043
The fat bum had really
done a number on Bart's car

1048
00:58:57,045 --> 00:59:00,446
and I seemed to have been
left with the blame.

1049
00:59:00,448 --> 00:59:03,115
Judy was lost, Sara Lee's case was over,

1050
00:59:03,117 --> 00:59:04,983
and the supermarket flyers hadn't come

1051
00:59:04,985 --> 00:59:08,386
with the mail this Tuesday.

1052
00:59:08,388 --> 00:59:10,588
I needed an ebay fix.

1053
00:59:14,327 --> 00:59:17,561
The house of bartology will get
you for your transgressions

1054
00:59:17,563 --> 00:59:21,031
against the house of bartology.

1055
00:59:21,033 --> 00:59:23,600
Someone had obviously been here.

1056
00:59:23,602 --> 00:59:24,634
My guess?

1057
00:59:24,636 --> 00:59:26,636
The house of bartology.

1058
00:59:33,143 --> 00:59:34,942
Nothin' unusual on the inside.

1059
00:59:34,944 --> 00:59:37,945
I must have scared 'em off
before they could get knee deep

1060
00:59:37,947 --> 00:59:40,147
in their criminal antics.

1061
00:59:46,121 --> 00:59:47,453
It had already been a full day

1062
00:59:47,455 --> 00:59:50,389
and I found myself in need of a drink.

1063
00:59:52,693 --> 00:59:55,126
Just give me the good stuff, baby.

1064
01:00:02,401 --> 01:00:04,200
Nothin' a little positive feedback

1065
01:00:04,202 --> 01:00:07,203
and a swig of listerine can't fix.

1066
01:00:15,612 --> 01:00:18,213
That's the ticket.

1067
01:00:25,788 --> 01:00:28,021
No.

1068
01:00:28,023 --> 01:00:29,622
No, no, no, how can this be?

1069
01:00:29,624 --> 01:00:31,489
My perfect record.

1070
01:00:34,427 --> 01:00:35,526
Dammit.

1071
01:00:37,730 --> 01:00:40,063
This has gone too far.

1072
01:00:56,180 --> 01:00:58,647
I felt the cold shard of my shattered mug

1073
01:00:58,649 --> 01:01:00,081
against my skin.

1074
01:01:00,083 --> 01:01:01,849
I wanted to scream,

1075
01:01:01,851 --> 01:01:04,251
I wanted to cry.

1076
01:01:04,253 --> 01:01:07,554
But Rock Slyde doesn't cry;

1077
01:01:07,556 --> 01:01:09,088
He gets even.

1078
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:15,826
You really think you can put
all the pieces back together?

1079
01:01:15,828 --> 01:01:18,061
Yeah, it's just like a
three-dimensional Jigsaw puzzle

1080
01:01:18,063 --> 01:01:20,730
where the pieces don't all fit together.

1081
01:01:20,732 --> 01:01:22,264
Sounds easy enough.

1082
01:01:22,266 --> 01:01:23,698
We need to finalize the plan.

1083
01:01:23,700 --> 01:01:26,467
Have you thought any more about my ideas?

1084
01:01:29,871 --> 01:01:31,604
You know that was pepper spray, right?

1085
01:01:31,606 --> 01:01:32,705
It was.

1086
01:01:32,707 --> 01:01:34,973
Yeah.

1087
01:01:34,975 --> 01:01:36,274
You okay?

1088
01:01:36,276 --> 01:01:36,841
It burns.

1089
01:01:36,843 --> 01:01:38,342
Burns, I know.

1090
01:01:38,344 --> 01:01:40,377
I'm sorry.

1091
01:01:40,379 --> 01:01:41,845
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

1092
01:01:41,847 --> 01:01:43,746
And keep brainstormin'.

1093
01:01:43,748 --> 01:01:46,482
I'll...

1094
01:01:46,484 --> 01:01:48,417
I'll keep gluing.

1095
01:01:59,528 --> 01:02:00,059
Are you okay?

1096
01:02:00,061 --> 01:02:01,193
Like a new man.

1097
01:02:01,195 --> 01:02:03,428
So let's talk about the plan.

1098
01:02:03,430 --> 01:02:05,363
Let's start with the basics.

1099
01:02:05,365 --> 01:02:06,630
What do we know about Bart?

1100
01:02:06,632 --> 01:02:07,864
Well, we know that he has

1101
01:02:07,866 --> 01:02:10,066
an extensive knowledge of gay porn.

1102
01:02:10,068 --> 01:02:11,400
How do we know that?

1103
01:02:11,402 --> 01:02:15,036
He knew all about <i>the jolly Roger.</i>

1104
01:02:15,038 --> 01:02:16,704
What's that?

1105
01:02:20,976 --> 01:02:23,276
Well, it's...

1106
01:02:23,278 --> 01:02:24,510
It's a candy, right?

1107
01:02:24,512 --> 01:02:26,812
The jolly...

1108
01:02:26,814 --> 01:02:29,614
It's a, restaurant chain, the jolly Rogers,

1109
01:02:29,616 --> 01:02:32,950
and we used to have one down the...

1110
01:02:32,952 --> 01:02:34,584
Excuse me.

1111
01:02:39,456 --> 01:02:40,822
There was somethin' uncanny

1112
01:02:40,824 --> 01:02:41,789
about Bart knowin'

1113
01:02:41,791 --> 01:02:43,323
about<i> the jolly Roger.</i>

1114
01:02:43,325 --> 01:02:44,757
My guess is that it might not

1115
01:02:44,759 --> 01:02:46,525
just be a simple coincidence.

1116
01:02:52,032 --> 01:02:53,064
Bingo.

1117
01:02:53,066 --> 01:02:54,765
¶ If you want a challenge,

1118
01:02:54,767 --> 01:02:55,632
well, I'm well-equipped ¶

1119
01:02:55,634 --> 01:02:56,599
excuse me, miss Lee,

1120
01:02:56,601 --> 01:02:57,666
but I believe I will be

1121
01:02:57,668 --> 01:03:00,135
burning the midnight oil.

1122
01:03:00,137 --> 01:03:01,269
Okay, rock.

1123
01:03:01,271 --> 01:03:03,904
Anything I can do to help?

1124
01:03:03,906 --> 01:03:06,172
Actually, yes.

1125
01:03:06,174 --> 01:03:08,007
Call a delivery service, schedule a pickup

1126
01:03:08,009 --> 01:03:11,343
for tomorrow morning bright and early.

1127
01:03:23,989 --> 01:03:26,556
If I was going to expose
Bart and rescue Judy bee

1128
01:03:26,558 --> 01:03:28,357
from the clutches of bartology,

1129
01:03:28,359 --> 01:03:30,692
I was gonna have to trace
Bart's prominent rise

1130
01:03:30,694 --> 01:03:32,460
back to his very roots.

1131
01:03:32,462 --> 01:03:34,428
Using what little information
I had to go on,

1132
01:03:34,430 --> 01:03:37,164
I knew the task ahead was tough.

1133
01:03:37,166 --> 01:03:38,598
It was go time.

1134
01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:41,601
Yeah, hello ebay customer service.

1135
01:03:41,603 --> 01:03:44,437
Yeah, I got a question about my account.

1136
01:03:44,439 --> 01:03:48,774
Account username bartbartologist3.

1137
01:04:04,725 --> 01:04:06,591
Yeah, that's right, that's right.

1138
01:04:06,593 --> 01:04:08,859
Well, just make sure
that Alex wears his helmet,

1139
01:04:08,861 --> 01:04:10,527
otherwise he'll hurt himself.

1140
01:04:10,529 --> 01:04:13,396
Well, he's French...
I've got to go.

1141
01:04:13,398 --> 01:04:15,531
Hello sir, can I help you?

1142
01:04:15,533 --> 01:04:17,399
I need you to sign right here.

1143
01:04:17,401 --> 01:04:18,266
Yeah.

1144
01:04:18,268 --> 01:04:21,068
What is it I'm signing for?

1145
01:04:21,070 --> 01:04:22,903
This big ass pyramid.

1146
01:04:22,905 --> 01:04:27,273
Yes, and, who sent this big ass pyramid?

1147
01:04:27,275 --> 01:04:30,509
Says right there, it's...

1148
01:04:30,511 --> 01:04:32,911
House of bartology Hollywood.

1149
01:04:32,913 --> 01:04:35,213
It's from the Hollywood.

1150
01:04:35,215 --> 01:04:38,115
Yeah, it's very nice.

1151
01:04:38,117 --> 01:04:41,584
The blessed guru will be very excited.

1152
01:04:42,720 --> 01:04:43,752
Thank you, sir.

1153
01:04:44,488 --> 01:04:46,321
So...

1154
01:04:46,323 --> 01:04:49,590
Mr. delivery man,

1155
01:04:49,592 --> 01:04:51,291
are you happy

1156
01:04:51,293 --> 01:04:53,092
with your career?

1157
01:04:53,094 --> 01:04:54,593
Are you kiddin', man?

1158
01:04:54,595 --> 01:04:56,161
My job sucks.

1159
01:04:56,163 --> 01:05:00,731
So what if I told you
I could make it better?

1160
01:05:00,733 --> 01:05:02,365
I'm listening.

1161
01:05:02,367 --> 01:05:03,366
Here,

1162
01:05:03,368 --> 01:05:05,801
fill out these forms.

1163
01:05:05,803 --> 01:05:07,302
You know, I need to get back to my truck.

1164
01:05:07,304 --> 01:05:08,436
I got a lot of deliveries.

1165
01:05:08,438 --> 01:05:11,238
What do we have here?

1166
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:13,473
Some free cookies.

1167
01:05:16,211 --> 01:05:18,277
Thank you for the coffee.

1168
01:05:24,918 --> 01:05:27,652
You are such a...

1169
01:05:27,654 --> 01:05:30,688
Talented coffee maker.

1170
01:05:30,690 --> 01:05:32,322
You're welcome.

1171
01:05:34,392 --> 01:05:36,859
Please pick up your feet
while you are walking.

1172
01:05:36,861 --> 01:05:38,794
You're scuffing the floors.

1173
01:05:42,565 --> 01:05:45,666
Did that pyramid just play
the William tell overture?

1174
01:05:50,138 --> 01:05:52,705
Maybe it's a musical pyramid.

1175
01:05:56,577 --> 01:06:00,011
Yeah, it makes sense,
being from the Hollywood.

1176
01:06:04,015 --> 01:06:05,147
Yeah.

1177
01:06:05,149 --> 01:06:06,214
Rock!

1178
01:06:06,216 --> 01:06:08,816
Are you in yet?

1179
01:06:08,818 --> 01:06:12,286
This is a really bad time for me to talk.

1180
01:06:13,188 --> 01:06:14,320
Attention!

1181
01:06:14,322 --> 01:06:16,355
Attention everyone!

1182
01:06:16,357 --> 01:06:20,291
It is now time
for the six o'clock screening.

1183
01:06:20,293 --> 01:06:22,526
If you will all please make your way

1184
01:06:22,528 --> 01:06:24,261
over to the screening room,

1185
01:06:24,263 --> 01:06:26,663
we will begin immediately.

1186
01:06:26,665 --> 01:06:27,430
Thank you.

1187
01:06:27,432 --> 01:06:28,330
Yes, you're right.

1188
01:06:28,332 --> 01:06:29,230
Looking back now,

1189
01:06:29,232 --> 01:06:30,097
I probably should have

1190
01:06:30,099 --> 01:06:32,099
put my phone on vibrate.

1191
01:06:32,101 --> 01:06:33,333
Be careful,

1192
01:06:33,335 --> 01:06:35,935
and call me if you need me.

1193
01:06:35,937 --> 01:06:36,902
Okay.

1194
01:06:36,904 --> 01:06:38,803
I should go now.

1195
01:06:38,805 --> 01:06:39,937
And rock?

1196
01:06:39,939 --> 01:06:41,905
I miss you.

1197
01:06:41,907 --> 01:06:43,072
I miss you, too.

1198
01:06:43,074 --> 01:06:44,506
- And...
- I gotta go.

1199
01:06:44,508 --> 01:06:46,574
- By now, miss Lee.
- Okay, call me back!

1200
01:06:46,576 --> 01:06:48,075
Very good.

1201
01:06:48,077 --> 01:06:50,209
Yeah.

1202
01:06:52,112 --> 01:06:53,811
I was in the belly of the beast,

1203
01:06:53,813 --> 01:06:55,612
and it was all thanks to a little story

1204
01:06:55,614 --> 01:06:59,648
about a trojan horse
and a bunch of greedy idiots.

1205
01:07:06,789 --> 01:07:09,690
Unlike trojan horses, pyramids have no eyes.

1206
01:07:09,692 --> 01:07:12,826
Once again, hindsight slaps me in the face.

1207
01:07:19,834 --> 01:07:21,900
Time for plan b.

1208
01:07:26,172 --> 01:07:27,871
Hello bartology brethren.

1209
01:07:27,873 --> 01:07:30,106
Have you tried one of our cookies yet?

1210
01:07:30,108 --> 01:07:31,707
I sure have,

1211
01:07:31,709 --> 01:07:34,009
and good.

1212
01:07:34,011 --> 01:07:35,944
Possibly mind numbing.

1213
01:07:35,946 --> 01:07:39,113
They've made my life exceptional.

1214
01:07:39,115 --> 01:07:40,881
These bartologists were helpful,

1215
01:07:40,883 --> 01:07:42,215
but I needed more.

1216
01:07:42,217 --> 01:07:44,517
I needed to know where to find Bart.

1217
01:07:49,657 --> 01:07:52,124
Lookin' for a Judy bee.

1218
01:07:53,193 --> 01:07:55,860
Bart be with you.

1219
01:07:55,862 --> 01:07:57,728
Is there a Judy bee?

1220
01:07:59,798 --> 01:08:02,098
Judy, Judy bee?

1221
01:08:02,100 --> 01:08:04,733
Bart be with you.

1222
01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:06,568
Cookies.

1223
01:08:06,570 --> 01:08:08,937
Cookies.

1224
01:08:08,939 --> 01:08:10,838
Cookies.

1225
01:08:10,840 --> 01:08:12,206
Cookies.

1226
01:08:12,208 --> 01:08:17,210
I will submit my bank account
statements to bartology.

1227
01:08:17,212 --> 01:08:22,781
I will submit my bank account
statements to bartology.

1228
01:08:22,783 --> 01:08:26,084
The blessed guru does not lie.

1229
01:08:26,086 --> 01:08:29,854
The blessed guru does not lie.

1230
01:08:29,856 --> 01:08:31,856
Lost.

1231
01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:33,924
Sad.

1232
01:08:33,926 --> 01:08:36,226
Not so sad.

1233
01:08:36,228 --> 01:08:38,094
Finance.

1234
01:08:38,096 --> 01:08:40,162
Relationships.

1235
01:08:40,164 --> 01:08:42,230
Career.

1236
01:08:42,232 --> 01:08:44,232
Future.

1237
01:08:44,234 --> 01:08:46,701
Bartology.

1238
01:08:46,703 --> 01:08:49,136
Real common soon bartology.

1239
01:08:49,138 --> 01:08:51,872
The future of humans.

1240
01:08:59,014 --> 01:09:00,980
Cookies.

1241
01:09:00,982 --> 01:09:02,081
Cookies.

1242
01:09:03,384 --> 01:09:05,283
Cookies.

1243
01:09:05,285 --> 01:09:06,817
Cookies.

1244
01:09:06,819 --> 01:09:09,419
I will surrender to bartology.

1245
01:09:09,421 --> 01:09:10,219
Hello?

1246
01:09:10,221 --> 01:09:11,320
Rock?

1247
01:09:11,322 --> 01:09:13,322
It's me, Sara Lee.

1248
01:09:13,324 --> 01:09:15,657
How are things going?

1249
01:09:15,659 --> 01:09:17,325
I'm watching this film over here

1250
01:09:17,327 --> 01:09:19,226
and the plot's really confusing,

1251
01:09:19,228 --> 01:09:20,927
but it's comin' together.

1252
01:09:20,929 --> 01:09:22,328
Rock, listen to me.

1253
01:09:22,330 --> 01:09:23,862
That's the new recruit film.

1254
01:09:23,864 --> 01:09:25,797
You didn't eat the bartology
cookies, did you?

1255
01:09:25,799 --> 01:09:27,665
- No cookies.
- Good.

1256
01:09:27,667 --> 01:09:29,366
You're supposed to be rescuing Judy bee.

1257
01:09:29,368 --> 01:09:32,035
You're right.

1258
01:09:32,037 --> 01:09:34,771
You're right, I can probably put
this one on my netflix queue.

1259
01:09:34,773 --> 01:09:35,872
Cookies.

1260
01:09:35,874 --> 01:09:37,907
Okay, now rock, I wanted to tell you...

1261
01:09:37,909 --> 01:09:38,974
you know what?

1262
01:09:38,976 --> 01:09:40,041
You know what?

1263
01:09:40,043 --> 01:09:42,643
Gotta go. I gotta go
rescue Judy bee.

1264
01:09:42,645 --> 01:09:44,311
Cookies.

1265
01:09:44,313 --> 01:09:45,578
Cookies.

1266
01:09:46,881 --> 01:09:48,881
Cookies.

1267
01:09:48,883 --> 01:09:50,015
Cookies.

1268
01:09:50,017 --> 01:09:52,350
If anyone knew where to locate Bart,

1269
01:09:52,352 --> 01:09:54,452
it was his lackeys.

1270
01:09:54,454 --> 01:09:57,588
But they are rigorously trained
to hold his secrets.

1271
01:09:57,590 --> 01:10:01,124
How could I get them
to divulge the information?

1272
01:10:01,126 --> 01:10:04,460
They don't crack, they don't break,

1273
01:10:04,462 --> 01:10:05,661
they don't even speak.

1274
01:10:05,663 --> 01:10:07,262
Where's Bart?

1275
01:10:10,100 --> 01:10:11,632
They point.

1276
01:10:40,562 --> 01:10:42,828
Come closer.

1277
01:10:44,031 --> 01:10:47,899
Why don't you sit on my lap?

1278
01:10:47,901 --> 01:10:52,036
That way you can see the text
as I read it out loud to you.

1279
01:10:54,173 --> 01:10:55,906
There you go.

1280
01:10:57,442 --> 01:10:58,707
I had to play it smart.

1281
01:10:58,709 --> 01:11:00,575
I had to wait for the precise moment

1282
01:11:00,577 --> 01:11:02,410
to intervene.

1283
01:11:02,412 --> 01:11:06,947
Your lap is so bony.

1284
01:11:08,050 --> 01:11:09,582
Is it hot in here?

1285
01:11:09,584 --> 01:11:11,417
How about I take off this shirt?

1286
01:11:11,419 --> 01:11:12,951
Getting warmer.

1287
01:11:12,953 --> 01:11:14,519
Look at that.

1288
01:11:14,521 --> 01:11:17,722
I pre-lubed my torso, baby.

1289
01:11:17,724 --> 01:11:18,823
Warmer.

1290
01:11:18,825 --> 01:11:22,092
Do you like
my dime-sized nipples?

1291
01:11:22,094 --> 01:11:23,426
Twenty cents for you.

1292
01:11:23,428 --> 01:11:25,161
Enough!

1293
01:11:31,001 --> 01:11:32,066
Hello?

1294
01:11:32,068 --> 01:11:33,934
Housekeeping.

1295
01:11:35,971 --> 01:11:37,270
Housekeeping.

1296
01:11:37,272 --> 01:11:39,138
Excuse me.

1297
01:11:41,108 --> 01:11:45,209
I'm just a huge fan, Bart, a huge damn fan.

1298
01:11:45,211 --> 01:11:47,077
Wow, you are a bit greasy.

1299
01:11:47,079 --> 01:11:49,778
Well, it's always nice to meet a fan.

1300
01:11:52,315 --> 01:11:54,315
Now's not the time.

1301
01:11:54,317 --> 01:11:56,283
What's your name, recruit?

1302
01:11:56,285 --> 01:11:58,251
I know you.

1303
01:12:01,155 --> 01:12:06,290
You're from that '80s pop sensation duo,

1304
01:12:06,292 --> 01:12:08,125
hall and oates.

1305
01:12:08,127 --> 01:12:10,026
And that's precisely who I am.

1306
01:12:10,028 --> 01:12:11,394
Can I come in now?

1307
01:12:14,665 --> 01:12:17,098
Mr. maneater.

1308
01:12:17,100 --> 01:12:18,132
Please.

1309
01:12:18,134 --> 01:12:19,399
Judy, out.

1310
01:12:19,401 --> 01:12:22,168
We'll continue our religious studies later.

1311
01:12:24,805 --> 01:12:26,171
Judy.

1312
01:12:29,776 --> 01:12:31,142
Please,

1313
01:12:31,144 --> 01:12:33,677
what is a happening celebrity like yourself

1314
01:12:33,679 --> 01:12:35,879
doing here with me?

1315
01:12:35,881 --> 01:12:37,213
You could put your shirt back on now,

1316
01:12:37,215 --> 01:12:39,815
that'd be nice.

1317
01:12:39,817 --> 01:12:42,350
I prefer it like this.

1318
01:12:45,355 --> 01:12:48,055
No thank you, I just ate.

1319
01:12:48,057 --> 01:12:51,457
What's the idea with these
bartology cookies anyway?

1320
01:12:51,459 --> 01:12:52,524
So tasty.

1321
01:12:52,526 --> 01:12:54,292
Well, instead of sugar,

1322
01:12:54,294 --> 01:12:57,928
we use a mind-controlling
granulated substance

1323
01:12:57,930 --> 01:13:00,030
to sweeten them.

1324
01:13:00,032 --> 01:13:02,565
But of course you,

1325
01:13:02,567 --> 01:13:04,199
being from Hollywood...

1326
01:13:04,201 --> 01:13:08,869
I'm sure you're quite aware
of that sort of yum yums.

1327
01:13:17,410 --> 01:13:19,543
Rock Slyde.

1328
01:13:19,545 --> 01:13:21,011
In the flesh.

1329
01:13:22,447 --> 01:13:25,281
This is your biggest mistake yet,

1330
01:13:25,283 --> 01:13:28,817
and quit looking at my nipples.

1331
01:13:28,819 --> 01:13:30,618
Why are you here?

1332
01:13:30,620 --> 01:13:31,652
Three reasons.

1333
01:13:31,654 --> 01:13:33,153
One, I want Judy back.

1334
01:13:33,155 --> 01:13:34,821
She's more than just a coffee maker.

1335
01:13:34,823 --> 01:13:36,789
Two, I'm gonna confiscate your tax records

1336
01:13:36,791 --> 01:13:39,525
and prove that you're committing a felony.

1337
01:13:39,527 --> 01:13:41,860
You're washed up, Bart, you're done.

1338
01:13:44,097 --> 01:13:45,930
What's three?

1339
01:13:51,470 --> 01:13:54,037
I mentioned takin' Judy back.

1340
01:13:54,039 --> 01:13:56,039
Yeah.

1341
01:13:56,041 --> 01:13:58,975
And, I know I just covered,
the tax fraud idea

1342
01:13:58,977 --> 01:14:02,945
and takin' the papers and, whatnot.

1343
01:14:06,283 --> 01:14:08,416
Maybe there's just two.

1344
01:14:10,653 --> 01:14:14,154
Well played, Mr. slyde.

1345
01:14:14,156 --> 01:14:15,788
Well played.

1346
01:14:15,790 --> 01:14:18,390
But I'm afraid it's too little too late.

1347
01:14:18,392 --> 01:14:21,593
Judy bee's already gone
through the evaluation process

1348
01:14:21,595 --> 01:14:24,896
and she has been fed a steady diet

1349
01:14:24,898 --> 01:14:28,099
of gratifying bartology cookies.

1350
01:14:28,101 --> 01:14:30,334
It's over.

1351
01:14:30,336 --> 01:14:32,703
Once again,

1352
01:14:32,705 --> 01:14:38,107
you have failed as a detective.

1353
01:14:38,109 --> 01:14:40,709
Really?

1354
01:14:40,711 --> 01:14:43,344
I know all about you, Bart Schwartz.

1355
01:14:45,715 --> 01:14:47,514
How did you know my real last name?

1356
01:14:47,516 --> 01:14:49,083
You grew up in des moines, Iowa.

1357
01:14:49,085 --> 01:14:52,019
You were a substitute weather man for kvkt,

1358
01:14:52,021 --> 01:14:56,389
the number four station
in the number 159th market.

1359
01:14:56,391 --> 01:14:57,723
- No.
- As fate would have it,

1360
01:14:57,725 --> 01:14:59,858
the casting director for<i> terms of endearment</i>

1361
01:14:59,860 --> 01:15:02,160
was doing some local scouting for the film,

1362
01:15:02,162 --> 01:15:04,762
and through simple happenstance,

1363
01:15:04,764 --> 01:15:06,296
caught one of the four times

1364
01:15:06,298 --> 01:15:08,331
you actually did the weather
on air that year.

1365
01:15:08,333 --> 01:15:10,499
- This can't be.
- Right place, right time.

1366
01:15:10,501 --> 01:15:12,934
You were cast as "police officer number two"

1367
01:15:12,936 --> 01:15:15,136
in the academy award-winning
feature.

1368
01:15:15,138 --> 01:15:16,270
Now stop it.

1369
01:15:16,272 --> 01:15:17,971
Thinkin' you caught your big break,

1370
01:15:17,973 --> 01:15:19,939
you caught the next bus to Hollywood,

1371
01:15:19,941 --> 01:15:21,941
all bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.

1372
01:15:21,943 --> 01:15:25,244
Unfortunately, you never
got another acting job.

1373
01:15:25,246 --> 01:15:25,911
Shut up!

1374
01:15:25,913 --> 01:15:27,412
Except for one.

1375
01:15:27,414 --> 01:15:30,181
"Gay pirate number seven"
in<i> the jolly Roger.</i>

1376
01:15:30,183 --> 01:15:32,116
Stop it, don't say any more!

1377
01:15:32,118 --> 01:15:34,218
After that comes the missing years,

1378
01:15:34,220 --> 01:15:37,321
where I presume you studied
pseudo-religious movements

1379
01:15:37,323 --> 01:15:40,590
in a vain attempt to discover
your spiritual side,

1380
01:15:40,592 --> 01:15:44,460
which sadly led
to your desire for acceptance

1381
01:15:44,462 --> 01:15:46,195
and ultimately power.

1382
01:15:46,197 --> 01:15:48,830
How could you possibly unearth all of this?

1383
01:15:48,832 --> 01:15:54,035
You must have the FBI
and... and the CIA.

1384
01:15:54,037 --> 01:15:56,370
I just typed your name into Google.

1385
01:15:57,639 --> 01:15:59,572
I'll kill you.

1386
01:16:09,982 --> 01:16:12,315
It sounded worse than it looked.

1387
01:16:12,317 --> 01:16:16,585
I had ballpoint pen in my pocket.

1388
01:16:26,663 --> 01:16:29,330
Attention bartologists.

1389
01:16:29,332 --> 01:16:34,301
Bartologists, this is your blessed guru.

1390
01:16:34,303 --> 01:16:35,802
Wait.

1391
01:16:35,804 --> 01:16:37,770
This is God.

1392
01:16:37,772 --> 01:16:39,905
Yes, I do exist.

1393
01:16:39,907 --> 01:16:44,042
All those with ears listen to what I say.

1394
01:16:45,178 --> 01:16:46,810
You must no longer be controlled

1395
01:16:46,812 --> 01:16:49,145
by the bartologist ways.

1396
01:16:52,916 --> 01:16:56,217
I need to locate Judy bee.

1397
01:16:56,219 --> 01:17:01,221
I need her to know
that I... I want her to come back.

1398
01:17:01,223 --> 01:17:02,889
More importantly, I need her to come

1399
01:17:02,891 --> 01:17:05,091
to Bart's office immediately.

1400
01:17:05,093 --> 01:17:06,992
You are called to unite.

1401
01:17:06,994 --> 01:17:11,629
Put down your cookies,
smash them, rebuke them.

1402
01:17:13,866 --> 01:17:16,566
Rise up!

1403
01:17:18,803 --> 01:17:21,103
Rise up.

1404
01:17:21,105 --> 01:17:23,271
Rise up!

1405
01:17:23,273 --> 01:17:25,806
Rise up!

1406
01:17:27,976 --> 01:17:29,508
Are you God?

1407
01:17:29,510 --> 01:17:32,410
Judy.

1408
01:17:32,412 --> 01:17:34,145
Judy, no, I am not God,

1409
01:17:34,147 --> 01:17:38,749
I am rock, Rock Slyde, private investigator.

1410
01:17:38,751 --> 01:17:40,150
I care about you.

1411
01:17:40,152 --> 01:17:42,552
I don't know any Rock Slyde.

1412
01:17:42,554 --> 01:17:43,986
Come on, Judy, you work for me.

1413
01:17:43,988 --> 01:17:45,587
You're...

1414
01:17:45,589 --> 01:17:46,754
With me,

1415
01:17:46,756 --> 01:17:48,989
make the best damn cup of coffee

1416
01:17:48,991 --> 01:17:51,257
this side of the Mississippi.

1417
01:17:51,259 --> 01:17:53,092
I do?

1418
01:17:54,328 --> 01:17:55,960
Judy, come on.

1419
01:17:55,962 --> 01:17:58,629
Judy, surely you must remember me.

1420
01:18:24,752 --> 01:18:27,486
Yes, Judy, you remember.

1421
01:18:43,667 --> 01:18:44,732
I remember!

1422
01:18:44,734 --> 01:18:45,899
I remember!

1423
01:18:45,901 --> 01:18:49,635
Rock Slyde, gay porn star.

1424
01:18:50,804 --> 01:18:52,537
Close enough.

1425
01:18:52,539 --> 01:18:54,805
I'm not even gonna charge you
for this rescue, Judy.

1426
01:18:54,807 --> 01:18:56,840
This one's on the house.

1427
01:18:56,842 --> 01:18:58,341
Come on.

1428
01:19:01,245 --> 01:19:03,511
Bartologists, you are called
to end this religion,

1429
01:19:03,513 --> 01:19:06,180
tear down the walls of this establishment.

1430
01:19:06,182 --> 01:19:09,983
I do not wanna see another wall standing

1431
01:19:09,985 --> 01:19:11,417
except for unit 101,

1432
01:19:11,419 --> 01:19:14,420
which belongs to Rock Slyde, private eye.

1433
01:19:14,422 --> 01:19:17,456
My Bart, I'm freaking out!

1434
01:19:26,432 --> 01:19:29,099
Rock, what are we gonna do?

1435
01:19:29,101 --> 01:19:30,433
How are we gonna get out of here?

1436
01:19:30,435 --> 01:19:32,268
I have an idea that may work.

1437
01:19:32,270 --> 01:19:33,969
That's great, what is it?

1438
01:19:33,971 --> 01:19:35,070
Run.

1439
01:19:35,072 --> 01:19:37,806
That's a great idea?

1440
01:19:46,415 --> 01:19:51,350
Bartology treats me
with kindness and charity.

1441
01:19:54,488 --> 01:19:55,887
Cookies.

1442
01:20:10,267 --> 01:20:11,432
Order!

1443
01:20:11,434 --> 01:20:13,200
Order here!

1444
01:20:13,202 --> 01:20:15,435
Will everyone please move...

1445
01:20:30,717 --> 01:20:32,950
And so it was done.

1446
01:20:32,952 --> 01:20:35,652
The house of bartology was no longer.

1447
01:20:35,654 --> 01:20:38,421
Bart was arrested on tax fraud
and money laundering,

1448
01:20:38,423 --> 01:20:40,823
and I discovered that there's
a quirky little law

1449
01:20:40,825 --> 01:20:43,325
where you get 15% percent of the tax dollars

1450
01:20:43,327 --> 01:20:47,095
recovered by the government
when you turn in a tax fraud.

1451
01:20:47,097 --> 01:20:48,996
It's form 211 if you're interested

1452
01:20:48,998 --> 01:20:51,765
and it's a goldmine.

1453
01:20:51,767 --> 01:20:54,434
God bless the usa.

1454
01:20:58,473 --> 01:21:00,005
Dammit.

1455
01:21:00,007 --> 01:21:01,373
Sorry rock.

1456
01:21:01,375 --> 01:21:04,309
You were thinkin' again, weren't you?

1457
01:21:05,478 --> 01:21:08,479
I know, lights.

1458
01:21:13,818 --> 01:21:16,752
Judy bee came back to work with me pro Bono.

1459
01:21:16,754 --> 01:21:19,387
She's received a hundred
thousand dollar advance

1460
01:21:19,389 --> 01:21:22,723
to write a book on her life inside a cult.

1461
01:21:22,725 --> 01:21:27,293
Sara Lee and I went on
a little vacation to Hawaii

1462
01:21:27,295 --> 01:21:28,961
where we figured out apparently

1463
01:21:28,963 --> 01:21:30,495
that the ebay feedback form

1464
01:21:30,497 --> 01:21:32,129
and Tuesday's supermarket flyers

1465
01:21:32,131 --> 01:21:36,599
aren't enough to keep two people together.

1466
01:21:36,601 --> 01:21:38,300
Besides,

1467
01:21:38,302 --> 01:21:40,635
I still like black women.

1468
01:21:45,841 --> 01:21:47,707
Damn, that was hot.

1469
01:23:01,107 --> 01:23:04,274
I feel like such the queen of the world.

1470
01:23:04,276 --> 01:23:06,342
I feel like we're flying.

1471
01:23:07,545 --> 01:23:09,443
I think that was a rogue wave.

1472
01:24:18,046 --> 01:24:19,412
Snap out of it, Judy!

1473
01:24:19,414 --> 01:24:21,046
Snap out... God!

1474
01:24:22,883 --> 01:24:23,948
Did I catch your nose?

1475
01:24:40,098 --> 01:24:42,198
Have to wash my...

1476
01:24:47,971 --> 01:24:49,036
Socks?

1477
01:24:53,575 --> 01:24:56,976
It's too much.

1478
01:24:56,978 --> 01:24:58,110
Stop.

1479
01:24:59,513 --> 01:25:00,411
- You.
- Sorry.

1480
01:25:00,413 --> 01:25:01,512
I'm serious.

1481
01:25:01,514 --> 01:25:02,946
I'm sorry.

1482
01:26:15,753 --> 01:26:19,755
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