1
00:00:16,042 --> 00:00:21,958
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock.
2
00:00:22,042 --> 00:00:25,333
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock...
3
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,458
Superb! Like Fluxus films!
4
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,458
Brilliant mise-en-scène!
5
00:01:18,042 --> 00:01:21,000
I'm this film's writer and director.
6
00:01:21,625 --> 00:01:26,125
Some time ago I agreed to make
a film based on the Dracula myth.
7
00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:29,417
A commercial, popular film.
8
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:32,833
But I can't do it!
I have zero ideas!
9
00:01:32,917 --> 00:01:36,125
While I was struggling with this project,
10
00:01:36,208 --> 00:01:40,417
fortunately, AI has developed a lot!
11
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:44,542
What you've just seen was
made with the Vlaicu2000 AI.
12
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:48,125
What?
13
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:56,667
The funds, the producers and distributors,
they did a test screening,
14
00:01:56,750 --> 00:02:00,083
and apparently the audience
was not at all happy.
15
00:02:00,875 --> 00:02:02,208
82 percent.
16
00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:08,125
So it looks like
I'll have to make this Dracula film.
17
00:02:08,208 --> 00:02:12,292
Great! This will be super-commercial.
18
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,875
Nudity, sex, feelings,
19
00:02:15,958 --> 00:02:19,708
violence, car chases, lots of blood,
20
00:02:19,792 --> 00:02:22,125
jokes, gags, slapstick,
21
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:25,917
"piss yourself laughing,"
in specialised lingo.
22
00:02:25,958 --> 00:02:28,042
Well then, God bless!
23
00:02:45,917 --> 00:02:51,500
A demon on the wing,
O, hast thou seen the fiend?
24
00:02:51,583 --> 00:02:57,417
Like lightning 'cross the sky
To Floarea's house he flew!
25
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,417
Then down the chimney, sooth!
26
00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:05,750
Fast as an evil wind!
O Lord, and how he keened!
27
00:03:05,833 --> 00:03:08,917
Say, hast thou seen him too?
28
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:14,708
A dragon of white light
with flaming, fearsome tail
29
00:03:14,792 --> 00:03:20,250
And gems beyond compare
did shine on him like fire
30
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:25,833
The poor girl is a shadow,
her skin a sickly hue
31
00:03:25,917 --> 00:03:31,333
The beast's ungodly torture
is tearing her apart
32
00:03:31,417 --> 00:03:36,750
Heed the old wives' advice,
its words tested and true
33
00:03:36,833 --> 00:03:42,583
Young maidens, stay away
from the fires of the heart!
34
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,833
Of the heart
35
00:03:45,917 --> 00:03:49,083
Thank you!
Feel free to applaud!
36
00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:52,250
That faggot can sing!
37
00:03:57,708 --> 00:03:59,458
Thank you!
38
00:03:59,542 --> 00:04:05,542
Good evening!
I am Adonis, welcome to our show!
39
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:07,625
Which begins with...
40
00:04:07,708 --> 00:04:11,875
the mystery of physicist Ludwig Boltzmann!
41
00:04:11,958 --> 00:04:14,000
A dead body, he says,
42
00:04:14,083 --> 00:04:17,250
can come back to live a second life,
43
00:04:17,792 --> 00:04:20,917
a reverse picture of their first.
44
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,208
But the likelihood of such
a phenomenon, my dear lady,
45
00:04:25,292 --> 00:04:27,458
is fantastically low.
46
00:04:27,542 --> 00:04:30,417
Advocates of statistical mechanics claim
47
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:33,792
we have not yet experienced such a wonder
48
00:04:33,875 --> 00:04:38,125
because we have not yet observed
a sufficient number of...
49
00:04:38,667 --> 00:04:40,292
dead bodies, Madam!
50
00:04:40,875 --> 00:04:43,375
It's like the law of large numbers.
51
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:45,583
The more people die,
52
00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:48,167
billions to the power of billions,
53
00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:51,417
the higher the chance of some reviving!
54
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,542
Or becoming...
55
00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:55,333
living dead.
56
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:03,250
The undead!
That is the subject of tonight's story
57
00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:07,083
in our restaurant,
which is highly select and secret.
58
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:10,417
Let us welcome Vampira with applause!
59
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:21,792
As Mina, played by our peerless Vampira,
60
00:05:21,875 --> 00:05:24,667
awaits her beloved Jonathan Harker,
61
00:05:24,750 --> 00:05:27,792
played by your humble servant,
62
00:05:27,875 --> 00:05:31,500
he is busy in Transylvania,
right here, in Sighișoara.
63
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Rats, rats, rats!
64
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Thousands, millions of them,
and every one a life.
65
00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:51,208
And dogs to eat them, and cats too.
66
00:05:51,292 --> 00:05:53,458
All red blood,
67
00:05:53,542 --> 00:05:55,833
with years of life in it.
68
00:05:55,917 --> 00:05:59,042
All these lives will I give you, my love,
69
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:04,167
and many more and greater,
through countless ages,
70
00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:07,958
if you will fall down and worship me!
71
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,458
I worship you, Master!
72
00:06:11,125 --> 00:06:12,500
Very well.
73
00:06:13,042 --> 00:06:16,500
But first, a little refreshment.
74
00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:27,667
We remind you that photographing
or recording through any means
75
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:30,292
are strictly prohibited.
76
00:06:30,375 --> 00:06:35,542
Touching the performers outside
the specially designated scenes,
77
00:06:35,625 --> 00:06:38,167
some requiring prior payment,
78
00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:40,208
is also strictly prohibited.
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Bitch got killer tits!
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Bravo! Applause!
81
00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:59,208
That was so good, my love!
82
00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:01,875
You got some on me, motherfucker!
83
00:07:01,958 --> 00:07:03,833
You better not have AIDS!
84
00:07:03,917 --> 00:07:06,583
My love, Mina.
How faint you are!
85
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:11,875
Was I once again attacked
by that infernal monster?
86
00:07:11,958 --> 00:07:13,667
Worry not!
87
00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:17,375
I have summoned Dr Van Helsing
from the University Hospital.
88
00:07:17,458 --> 00:07:19,750
Together we shall defeat Dracula.
89
00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:24,917
Beloved Mina, you are
safe here until the sunset;
90
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,750
and before then we shall return...
91
00:07:27,833 --> 00:07:29,500
Them tits!
92
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,708
Yes, we shall return!
93
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:37,292
But first I will arm you
against personal attack.
94
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:42,583
On your forehead I touch
this piece of Sacred Wafer.
95
00:07:44,917 --> 00:07:47,417
In the name of the Father
96
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:49,708
the Son
97
00:07:49,792 --> 00:07:52,250
and the Holy Spirit
98
00:07:53,417 --> 00:07:56,000
Amen
99
00:07:56,083 --> 00:08:00,958
Kyrie eleison...
100
00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:14,750
Quiet!
101
00:08:14,833 --> 00:08:18,917
- Next, part two of our...
- Shitty show.
102
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,708
Thank you, Madam, bye.
103
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,292
Those wanting to join Dracula
in the Pink Salon...
104
00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:24,250
Fuck off!
105
00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:26,542
...to live out their fantasies,
106
00:08:26,625 --> 00:08:30,000
or, for 30 minutes,
join Vampira in the Purple Salon,
107
00:08:30,083 --> 00:08:33,417
can start placing their bids now!
108
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:38,333
One hour with Dracula!
Starting at 1000 euros!
109
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:39,917
Do I see more?
110
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,000
Look at those long canines!
Show them!
111
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:46,625
1200 euro for a blowjob.
112
00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:48,542
Oh, excellent choice!
113
00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:51,167
Ladies, don't be shy.
114
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He has huge skill with his teeth,
the pleasure will be all yours!
115
00:08:54,625 --> 00:08:56,750
Something to tell your grandchildren.
116
00:08:56,833 --> 00:08:58,167
1500 euros!
117
00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:01,250
1500 going once, going twice...
118
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,458
Gone! Bravo!
119
00:09:06,250 --> 00:09:08,000
Go to the Pink Room!
120
00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:09,750
Enjoy the love machine!
121
00:09:09,833 --> 00:09:14,708
IN THE PINK SALON, PLEASURES WORTHY
OF HELIOGABALUS' HAREM
122
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,833
Now suck Popeye
the Sailor Man's dick, Dracula!
123
00:09:31,917 --> 00:09:32,917
What?
124
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,000
Here.
125
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:36,458
Suck him.
126
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:40,875
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
127
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:46,250
I yam what I yam
and that's all that I yam
128
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,708
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
129
00:09:48,792 --> 00:09:50,375
Spinach for me!
130
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:57,000
Now touch my clitoris
with your sharp teeth.
131
00:09:57,083 --> 00:09:59,292
Lick my pussy, Dracula!
132
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,000
Now fuck me, Dracula!
133
00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:17,875
Fuck me!
134
00:10:18,958 --> 00:10:21,875
Fuck me 'til the blood
comes out of my pussy!
135
00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:25,917
What's up?
136
00:10:27,458 --> 00:10:28,917
Cannot do.
137
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,333
Cock down. Finished.
138
00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:33,875
Fucking moron!
139
00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:38,042
- Sorry.
- "Sorry"!
140
00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:43,625
He couldn't perform.
He's a fucking impotent!
141
00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:45,625
Sorry.
Again, Uncle Sandu?
142
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:47,667
It's my age, son.
143
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:49,542
Sorry, it was for the first time.
144
00:10:50,792 --> 00:10:52,333
I want my money back.
145
00:10:52,417 --> 00:10:54,250
I did lick her pussy.
146
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:58,958
- But he performed with the mouth!
- I want my 1500 back!
147
00:10:59,042 --> 00:11:02,875
Don't worry, we'll reimburse you.
Give her the money back.
148
00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:12,625
And here is the most
popular part of our show!
149
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:18,333
Dracula and Mina, now his
partner in crime and hanky-panky,
150
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:22,792
flee, trying to escape
their just punishment.
151
00:11:22,875 --> 00:11:26,375
The perimeter is marked
on the map sent to your phones.
152
00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:28,167
I repeat the rules:
153
00:11:28,292 --> 00:11:30,833
They will only hide in public places.
154
00:11:30,917 --> 00:11:33,667
No private homes or vegetable patches.
155
00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:37,292
So don't barge into
hotel rooms on hot couples.
156
00:11:37,375 --> 00:11:41,708
At most, you'll find
that pervy Professor Bulai.
157
00:11:41,792 --> 00:11:47,208
No assaulting the performers,
the stakes are just for a little...
158
00:11:47,292 --> 00:11:48,917
oomph, Madam!
159
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:50,500
The kid's so sweet.
160
00:11:50,583 --> 00:11:51,667
Ready,
161
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:53,292
steady,
162
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,208
go!
163
00:11:55,292 --> 00:11:58,167
Stop!
They get a minute's advance.
164
00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,167
One, two...
165
00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:05,125
59, 58, 57...
166
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,000
Let's go left!
167
00:12:19,792 --> 00:12:22,292
3, 2, 1, go!
168
00:12:57,917 --> 00:13:00,000
Dracula sucks cock!
169
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,000
Dracula sucks cock!
170
00:13:20,292 --> 00:13:21,917
Come on!
171
00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:24,083
Hurry up!
172
00:13:32,125 --> 00:13:36,333
Hope they catch us quick
so we can wrap up the fucking show.
173
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,292
You know it never takes long.
174
00:14:00,625 --> 00:14:02,958
There you were, you rats!
175
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:05,875
Congratulations, you caught us!
176
00:14:21,042 --> 00:14:22,417
Motherfucker!
177
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:25,625
Some spectators might be disappointed.
178
00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:29,167
The film title is Dracula,
but it's not about Dracula.
179
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:32,042
Just a washed-up actor playing Dracula.
180
00:14:32,125 --> 00:14:35,667
I apologise!
Or, to quote a serious film character,
181
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,750
"I accept your condemnation!"
182
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:42,125
Fortunately, I've found a much better AI.
183
00:14:42,208 --> 00:14:44,833
Dr AI JUDEX 0.0.
184
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:47,542
By an American-Japanese company.
185
00:14:48,083 --> 00:14:51,542
So, dear Dr AI JUDEX 0.0,
186
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,958
you find a way for
Vlad the Impaler and Dracula
187
00:14:55,042 --> 00:14:58,667
to become one and the same
and appear in modern-day Romania.
188
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:01,292
I want it to be the bomb!
189
00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:05,667
But with some deeper,
philosophical stuff too.
190
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:07,792
Of course. How do we begin?
191
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,917
Let's do something...
192
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,833
Science-y.
193
00:15:11,917 --> 00:15:15,500
Something cool and trendy.
194
00:15:15,583 --> 00:15:16,875
Right away.
195
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:21,833
1. EUTROPHIA
196
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:28,542
Claudia Cardinale visited this clinic,
as did Pablo Neruda.
197
00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:34,000
Ana Aslan treated
Salvador Dalí's famous wife, Gala.
198
00:15:34,875 --> 00:15:36,333
Nixon, too.
199
00:15:36,417 --> 00:15:38,958
Charlie Chaplin was here too.
200
00:15:39,042 --> 00:15:42,042
Even Lillian Gish,
who starred in Griffith's films.
201
00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:46,292
Many did not want it known
they were under eutrophic treatment
202
00:15:46,375 --> 00:15:47,958
for rejuvenation.
203
00:15:48,042 --> 00:15:51,458
Professor Ana Aslan was very discreet.
204
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:56,500
She met General Franco in Spain,
but didn't even know where he lived,
205
00:15:56,583 --> 00:16:02,292
because she was driven to
his residence in a tinted-window car.
206
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:07,458
Aristotle Onassis sent a private jet
for her to treat him on Skorpios Island.
207
00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:12,792
She was impressed by
Onassis' immense charm.
208
00:16:12,875 --> 00:16:15,917
Good day, Mrs Lucy!
Ready for the next round?
209
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,500
I feel younger already!
210
00:16:18,583 --> 00:16:23,125
I was watching this about Ana Aslan.
She was quite something!
211
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:26,333
So many stars came here for her treatment.
212
00:16:26,417 --> 00:16:28,292
Even Nixon and Chaplin!
213
00:16:28,375 --> 00:16:32,375
Yeah, she invented this treatment for
staying young as long as possible
214
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,250
as a humanistic thing.
215
00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:37,792
Actually, you know, it's dangerous,
you don't know who wants to use it.
216
00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:42,542
This is why it's still a secret,
we all sign confidential papers and...
217
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:47,708
My opinion is that
Ceaușescu wanted to live forever
218
00:16:47,792 --> 00:16:51,583
and he created all the conditions
for Mrs Aslan to work for him.
219
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:56,167
If he hadn't been executed,
he'd be alive even today.
220
00:16:58,292 --> 00:17:00,583
You must drink it slowly.
221
00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:06,917
Wanna go in the music room
and listen to something?
222
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,167
Wagner, like yesterday?
223
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,208
I noticed there is a kind of theatre hall.
224
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:14,417
Any plays performed there?
225
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:15,958
Not anymore.
226
00:17:16,042 --> 00:17:19,000
Actually, when Mr Steven Spielberg
was in our clinic,
227
00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:21,417
he asked to have
Ceaușescu's screening room.
228
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,167
Spielberg was here?
229
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:27,208
Yes, and he wanted
to see films all the time.
230
00:17:27,292 --> 00:17:29,042
John Ford's films.
231
00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:32,000
But sometimes even
bad Romanian films.
232
00:17:32,083 --> 00:17:35,167
Old films on these big rolls, you know.
233
00:17:35,250 --> 00:17:38,542
He laughed a lot,
he considered them so stupid.
234
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:43,292
We offered him a huge TV set,
but still he preferred old technology.
235
00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:47,750
I would like to see
a film there, if it's possible.
236
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:49,625
Casablanca?
237
00:17:49,708 --> 00:17:52,375
That will be an extra fee of 1000 euros.
238
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:08,083
The porter was here when
Dalí and Chaplin were here.
239
00:18:09,875 --> 00:18:11,458
How was Chaplin?
240
00:18:11,542 --> 00:18:14,458
The lady wants to know about Chaplin.
241
00:18:14,542 --> 00:18:18,208
Damn bastard!
So boring and always angry.
242
00:18:18,292 --> 00:18:20,000
No fun at all.
243
00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:24,208
He was all shriveled up
and swore like a Cossack.
244
00:18:24,292 --> 00:18:30,208
And he always argued with
that old broad, Lillian Gish.
245
00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:32,583
Over dough, I guess.
246
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,667
We're talking big bucks.
247
00:18:35,458 --> 00:18:36,667
Hear this,
248
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:41,542
one day I saw him
cram her into that corner,
249
00:18:41,625 --> 00:18:45,417
and she sucked his... you know.
250
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:53,750
Damn broad.
251
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,083
Your Highness, command me.
252
00:18:55,625 --> 00:18:57,417
Catch every scoundrel in this country.
253
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:59,667
Hardly possible, Your Highness.
254
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:03,083
Many take refuge
on the boyars' domains.
255
00:19:06,583 --> 00:19:09,458
We have no power there yet.
256
00:19:12,875 --> 00:19:14,292
The boyars again.
257
00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:17,542
You should have slain them,
Your Highness.
258
00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:25,333
Iunus Beg's army has been
hanging here for a year.
259
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,042
Let us give the dead their due.
260
00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:53,625
Do you think to serve only yourselves?
261
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,667
Boyars, this country is not yours.
262
00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:06,708
You belong to the country.
263
00:20:06,792 --> 00:20:08,667
I, too, belong to the country.
264
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,292
It's "Ladislaus of Hungary",
not "the Hungary of Ladislaus".
265
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:16,000
"Casimir of Poland",
not "the Poland of Casimir"!
266
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,083
Were it not so,
267
00:20:18,708 --> 00:20:21,333
countries would die with their rulers.
268
00:20:27,042 --> 00:20:28,250
Boy!
269
00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:31,250
Boy!
270
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:40,333
"I inform Your Highness
of the Turks' plots."
271
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:46,500
Locked in this foul film
for so long, with no way out!
272
00:20:46,583 --> 00:20:47,458
What?
273
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:49,667
You have freed me.
274
00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:52,083
Sorry, I don't speak this language.
275
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:56,167
I want your blood.
276
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,208
Where is the money, bitch?
277
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:13,750
Money!
278
00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,500
Give me the fucking money!
279
00:21:15,583 --> 00:21:18,875
In my room, you crow,
but I have nothing!
280
00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:24,167
Giddy up, Grandma!
281
00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:33,042
Leave me alone!
282
00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:42,417
Now suck my cock, Grandma!
283
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:44,833
Get impaled on it!
284
00:21:49,958 --> 00:21:52,958
Grandma, you give head like a pro!
285
00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,167
Oh, Grandma.
286
00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:12,750
Fuck, you got some crazy tongue, Grandma!
287
00:22:12,833 --> 00:22:15,333
Brilliant! Way to go!
288
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:18,292
Japanese technology, American pragmatism.
289
00:22:18,375 --> 00:22:21,417
Plus the Romanian cultural heritage!
290
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,833
I was made to serve
the public's interests.
291
00:22:23,917 --> 00:22:27,292
- You're a huge help!
- I am here to serve.
292
00:22:27,375 --> 00:22:29,333
Just to make it clear:
293
00:22:29,417 --> 00:22:30,625
Personally,
294
00:22:31,333 --> 00:22:36,250
I don't agree with this idiot's
vulgarity and controversy.
295
00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:37,750
I won't accept it!
296
00:22:38,375 --> 00:22:39,458
Right!
297
00:22:39,542 --> 00:22:42,333
Now to return to my story.
298
00:22:42,417 --> 00:22:44,917
Back to the restaurant!
299
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,875
A MOVABLE FEAST
300
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:52,792
Now for the medal ceremony!
301
00:22:53,625 --> 00:22:56,542
Come get your prizes, everyone!
302
00:23:01,042 --> 00:23:03,167
Congratulations!
303
00:23:03,250 --> 00:23:05,000
Go do the dishes.
304
00:23:07,792 --> 00:23:09,500
Smile!
305
00:23:24,042 --> 00:23:26,417
Embarrass me again and you're fired.
306
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:29,292
It's not my fault, Mrs Georgeta.
307
00:23:29,375 --> 00:23:31,833
He can't help it, Madam,
it's all biological.
308
00:23:31,917 --> 00:23:33,125
You shut up!
309
00:23:34,917 --> 00:23:39,250
I took you in from the streets,
you had escaped from the loony bin!
310
00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:43,042
I paid for your fucking treatment,
gave you food and shelter.
311
00:23:43,125 --> 00:23:45,292
I'll try, Madam, I promise.
312
00:23:47,083 --> 00:23:48,708
Do, or I replace you.
313
00:23:48,792 --> 00:23:50,375
Fucking scum.
314
00:23:51,417 --> 00:23:53,708
I got us two shows next month.
315
00:23:53,792 --> 00:23:58,083
One at Béla Lugosi Cinema in Lugoj,
for the Porsche CEO,
316
00:23:58,167 --> 00:24:02,542
one in Bran, attended by
Elon Musk and Hollywood actors.
317
00:24:03,125 --> 00:24:04,875
We can't afford to fail.
318
00:24:05,583 --> 00:24:08,500
- Trump might be there too.
- Donald Trump?
319
00:24:08,583 --> 00:24:11,417
If he is, I'll shoot him in the head.
320
00:24:17,042 --> 00:24:18,125
Come in.
321
00:24:21,625 --> 00:24:23,875
Oh, come on now.
322
00:24:27,333 --> 00:24:30,542
Say, let's run away
and make our own show.
323
00:24:31,708 --> 00:24:33,417
Run to where?
324
00:24:34,458 --> 00:24:37,208
We could join the circus.
325
00:24:37,292 --> 00:24:39,542
Or some whorehouse in Germany.
326
00:24:41,667 --> 00:24:45,083
Didn't you say
they abused you at the circus?
327
00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:47,708
Like it's any better here?
328
00:24:47,792 --> 00:24:52,208
Conditions are shitty,
the pay is low.
329
00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:59,000
While Uncle Sandu sniffles,
dear AI,
330
00:24:59,083 --> 00:25:03,042
come up with something
more artsy, for our serious spectators.
331
00:25:03,125 --> 00:25:04,458
Yes, my Führer.
332
00:25:04,542 --> 00:25:08,833
I propose an intervention on Murnau's
Nosferatu from 1922.
333
00:25:08,917 --> 00:25:11,917
I wouldn't dare touch
a classic of film history.
334
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,875
I'm a Murnau fan!
335
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:17,042
I would, no one can throw eggs at me.
336
00:25:22,792 --> 00:25:25,375
Got tired of wanking?
337
00:25:25,458 --> 00:25:26,792
We have the solution!
338
00:25:26,875 --> 00:25:30,625
Visit rosex.ro, click on "Fuck Me!"
339
00:25:31,208 --> 00:25:33,458
and you'll be in heaven!
340
00:25:35,750 --> 00:25:39,583
You bring the hard cock,
we'll do the rest!
341
00:25:45,375 --> 00:25:46,708
Got anemia?
342
00:25:46,792 --> 00:25:50,000
The Murnau Online Drugstore
has an offer on Forte Iron.
343
00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:52,542
Total content: 90 satchels.
344
00:25:52,625 --> 00:25:57,000
Guaranteed efficacy,
fresh apple flavour, extra vitamin C!
345
00:25:57,083 --> 00:26:00,000
Blood, Strength, Energy!
346
00:26:03,250 --> 00:26:06,083
Do you want to follow
Count Dracula's traces
347
00:26:06,167 --> 00:26:07,458
in Transylvania?
348
00:26:07,542 --> 00:26:10,042
This summer, Mareshal Antonescu Tourism
349
00:26:10,125 --> 00:26:12,833
takes you on a great tour like no other.
350
00:26:12,917 --> 00:26:14,833
Count Dracula Tour!
351
00:26:14,917 --> 00:26:16,583
Information online.
352
00:26:18,958 --> 00:26:20,125
My dear,
353
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:26,750
ever wondered why even
this wretch gets more love than you,
354
00:26:26,833 --> 00:26:28,583
though you look a lot better?
355
00:26:29,208 --> 00:26:30,708
Wonder no more!
356
00:26:30,792 --> 00:26:35,208
He had penis enlargement surgery
at Switzerland Cliniques Bucharest.
357
00:26:35,875 --> 00:26:37,458
Act now!
358
00:26:37,542 --> 00:26:39,958
Does size matter? Of course!
359
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,667
{\an8}I love Murnau's films.
360
00:26:42,750 --> 00:26:44,833
I could never do that.
361
00:26:44,917 --> 00:26:48,167
I doubt our spectators
would enjoy this garbage.
362
00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:49,750
I, for one, don't!
363
00:26:50,750 --> 00:26:53,500
Now I want you to hijack
that Romanian-language scene
364
00:26:53,583 --> 00:26:56,333
from the Dracula
of Francis Ford Coppola.
365
00:26:56,417 --> 00:26:58,208
- I can't.
- Why not?
366
00:26:58,292 --> 00:27:00,875
- We don't own the rights--
- Fuck them!
367
00:27:00,958 --> 00:27:02,958
I'm going for fair use.
368
00:27:03,042 --> 00:27:07,417
Duchamp is our lawyer, Dr AI JUDEX 0.0.
Quotations are allowed!
369
00:27:08,083 --> 00:27:10,375
I can only reenact the scene.
370
00:27:11,375 --> 00:27:12,500
OK.
371
00:27:13,625 --> 00:27:15,500
At least make it more erotic.
372
00:27:15,583 --> 00:27:17,417
More commercial.
373
00:27:17,500 --> 00:27:19,500
- Sex sells!
- Yes, Master.
374
00:27:19,583 --> 00:27:22,500
We'll put in some tit,
some ass, some cunt, no problem.
375
00:27:25,458 --> 00:27:27,458
You are the love of my life.
376
00:27:28,083 --> 00:27:29,625
Of my life.
377
00:27:29,708 --> 00:27:32,792
I have crossed oceans of time to meet you.
378
00:27:37,292 --> 00:27:39,875
You are the love of my life.
379
00:27:41,625 --> 00:27:44,792
I have crossed oceans of time to meet you.
380
00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:35,125
BACK TO THE RESTAURANT
381
00:29:01,917 --> 00:29:03,542
And now,
382
00:29:03,625 --> 00:29:08,625
let Dracula show you what lovemaking is.
383
00:29:21,333 --> 00:29:24,167
You lick my ass so good, Master.
384
00:29:26,292 --> 00:29:27,458
Mate!
385
00:29:28,417 --> 00:29:32,042
Try with your cock, not your tongue!
You could choke!
386
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:34,042
Hey, mate!
387
00:29:35,042 --> 00:29:36,500
So fucking ugly!
388
00:29:40,917 --> 00:29:42,542
My beloved Mina!
389
00:29:48,458 --> 00:29:50,042
Unclean!
390
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:52,542
Unclean!
391
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:55,333
Jonathan!
392
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:59,792
Even the Almighty shuns my polluted flesh!
393
00:29:59,875 --> 00:30:02,542
Just don't fuck his ass, girl!
394
00:30:03,583 --> 00:30:08,500
My butt must bear this mark
of shame until the Judgment Day!
395
00:30:08,583 --> 00:30:11,625
You may have to bear that mark
396
00:30:12,167 --> 00:30:15,500
till God himself sees fit,
397
00:30:15,583 --> 00:30:18,167
as He most surely shall,
on the Judgment Day,
398
00:30:18,250 --> 00:30:21,083
to redress all wrongs of the earth
399
00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:23,875
and of His children.
400
00:30:23,958 --> 00:30:27,917
Oh, Mina, my dear,
may we who love you
401
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,792
be there to see that red scar pass away
402
00:30:31,875 --> 00:30:36,875
leaving your butt as pure
as the heart we know.
403
00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:39,583
For so surely as we live,
that scar shall pass away
404
00:30:39,667 --> 00:30:43,958
when God sees right
to lift our burden!
405
00:30:44,958 --> 00:30:47,875
Till then we bear our cross,
406
00:30:48,542 --> 00:30:50,833
as His son did.
407
00:30:56,208 --> 00:30:59,125
BUT NO ONE KNEW UNCLE SANDU AND VAMPIRA
408
00:30:59,208 --> 00:31:02,917
HAD DIFFERENT PLANS
FOR THAT BALMY SUMMER NIGHT!
409
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,458
Ready...
410
00:31:05,583 --> 00:31:07,125
steady...
411
00:31:08,208 --> 00:31:09,458
go!
412
00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:12,333
Wait, we have to give them one minute!
413
00:31:13,083 --> 00:31:15,667
59, 58...
414
00:31:20,625 --> 00:31:23,833
53, 52, fuckeroo...
415
00:31:31,250 --> 00:31:32,542
Let's go that way!
416
00:31:59,625 --> 00:32:01,792
I can't keep going!
417
00:32:01,875 --> 00:32:03,417
I'm an old man.
418
00:32:05,833 --> 00:32:10,333
Age is just a number,
but it's a damn big one, huh?
419
00:32:10,417 --> 00:32:12,042
Let's go, Uncle Sandu!
420
00:32:12,125 --> 00:32:14,875
An actor back in my day, Bădia,
421
00:32:14,958 --> 00:32:17,958
when people asked about life in the '50s,
422
00:32:18,042 --> 00:32:21,500
at the height of Stalinism,
with people sent to the Gulag,
423
00:32:21,583 --> 00:32:26,000
he'd say "The '50s? They were great!
424
00:32:26,083 --> 00:32:29,208
"I used to get a hard-on this big!"
425
00:32:51,333 --> 00:32:54,083
I say we spend the night in the tower,
426
00:32:54,167 --> 00:32:56,625
then take a train to Budapest.
427
00:32:57,417 --> 00:32:59,875
Then we hitchhike to Germany.
428
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,792
- How much money do you have?
- About 400 euros.
429
00:33:05,292 --> 00:33:08,000
Can't hurt. I have about as much.
430
00:33:09,208 --> 00:33:10,583
We'll manage.
431
00:33:12,458 --> 00:33:14,333
What's with all the photos?
432
00:33:16,167 --> 00:33:17,667
OnlyFans.
433
00:33:18,250 --> 00:33:20,542
I upload them to this platform
434
00:33:20,625 --> 00:33:23,208
and some wankers pay to see them.
435
00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:27,542
That's how I get my money,
not from our stingy boss.
436
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:34,917
Would you give me another fellatio?
If you don't mind?
437
00:33:36,792 --> 00:33:39,250
First let's get away from here.
438
00:33:48,500 --> 00:33:50,750
Dr AI JUDEX 0.0,
439
00:33:50,833 --> 00:33:53,542
while the two hide in the clocktower,
440
00:33:53,625 --> 00:33:59,208
make a scene with the real Dracula
returning to see his family home.
441
00:33:59,292 --> 00:34:02,167
But make it tasteful and touching.
442
00:34:02,250 --> 00:34:06,583
4. THE HOMECOMING
443
00:34:16,250 --> 00:34:21,000
VLAD DRACUL HOUSE
RESTAURANT
444
00:34:21,875 --> 00:34:24,000
Why are you crying, Sir?
445
00:34:26,458 --> 00:34:29,417
- I was thinking of my mother.
- Who is she?
446
00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:31,125
Anastasia.
447
00:34:31,208 --> 00:34:34,375
- Is your mum in the parking lot?
- No.
448
00:34:34,458 --> 00:34:36,875
She died. Long ago.
449
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:39,875
Do you miss her?
450
00:34:39,958 --> 00:34:43,000
Sometimes, yes.
What's with that mask?
451
00:34:43,083 --> 00:34:46,250
I'm Dracula, king of vampires!
452
00:34:47,250 --> 00:34:52,250
- You know who Dracula really was?
- Our ruler Vlad the Impaler.
453
00:34:52,333 --> 00:34:55,458
- We learned that in school.
- Bravo, kid!
454
00:34:55,542 --> 00:34:57,542
Here, buy some chocolate.
455
00:34:57,625 --> 00:35:00,500
- Go off now!
- I'm Vlad Casino!
456
00:35:05,083 --> 00:35:10,708
HERE LIVED RULER VLAD DRACUL
457
00:35:12,542 --> 00:35:13,708
So, as I said,
458
00:35:13,792 --> 00:35:19,500
there are many stories regarding
the cruelty of Vlad Țepeș, the Impaler,
459
00:35:19,583 --> 00:35:21,458
who was born here, in this house.
460
00:35:21,542 --> 00:35:24,875
His cruelty, also born
out of patriotic spirit,
461
00:35:24,958 --> 00:35:28,583
this is important to stress,
created the Dracula legend.
462
00:35:28,667 --> 00:35:30,250
And the name as well!
463
00:35:30,333 --> 00:35:32,583
The name came from
the Order of the Dragons,
464
00:35:32,667 --> 00:35:35,500
"Dragon", that his father belonged to.
465
00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:38,875
So: Dragon - Dracul - Dracula.
466
00:35:39,458 --> 00:35:42,458
Dracul means "the devil" in Romanian.
467
00:35:42,542 --> 00:35:46,000
He invited all the beggars
and the cripples, the handicapped,
468
00:35:46,083 --> 00:35:49,083
and the old people,
the unnecessary people,
469
00:35:49,167 --> 00:35:54,458
he invited them all at a party close to
Curtea Veche, his Bucharest palace.
470
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,875
And he asked them all,
471
00:35:56,958 --> 00:36:00,125
"Do you want to live a good life,
472
00:36:00,208 --> 00:36:03,792
"eat and drink without doing any work?"
473
00:36:03,875 --> 00:36:06,000
And they said, "Yes!"
474
00:36:06,083 --> 00:36:09,708
So he closed the gates,
put the fire at the place,
475
00:36:09,792 --> 00:36:13,667
and burned it down,
and he killed them all in this way.
476
00:36:13,750 --> 00:36:18,625
He explained at the people outside,
listening to the terrible screams,
477
00:36:18,708 --> 00:36:19,750
quote:
478
00:36:19,833 --> 00:36:23,667
"First of all, I did it so they won't
be a burden for the others.
479
00:36:23,750 --> 00:36:27,708
"I also want that, in my country,
there are no poor people.
480
00:36:27,792 --> 00:36:29,917
"Everybody should be rich.
481
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,667
"I also freed them
from their suffering in this way."
482
00:36:32,750 --> 00:36:34,583
Nice, is this true?
483
00:36:34,667 --> 00:36:37,958
As much as we can be sure
by reading the documents, yes.
484
00:36:38,042 --> 00:36:40,375
It is completely true!
485
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:43,500
I am Vlad the Impaler.
486
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:46,167
I am Dracula.
487
00:36:46,250 --> 00:36:49,417
Looks like Stephen the Great.
Just as short.
488
00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:51,750
The impaling was like this.
489
00:36:52,417 --> 00:36:54,208
He was punishing his enemies
490
00:36:54,292 --> 00:36:58,583
by putting a long wooden log
into their anus and through the neck.
491
00:36:58,667 --> 00:37:02,583
Then the victim was placed
vertically until he or she died.
492
00:37:02,667 --> 00:37:05,292
In this way he killed,
for instance, the boyars,
493
00:37:06,042 --> 00:37:09,375
who were against him
and didn't respect his policies.
494
00:37:09,458 --> 00:37:12,000
The Greek historian Chalcocondylas
495
00:37:12,083 --> 00:37:15,042
speaks about 20,000 boyars killed.
496
00:37:15,125 --> 00:37:16,208
It is ridiculous!
497
00:37:16,292 --> 00:37:18,500
Of course it is an exaggeration.
498
00:37:18,583 --> 00:37:21,333
But this proves that,
anyway, there were many.
499
00:37:21,417 --> 00:37:25,542
Close to Târgoviște,
he killed so many Ottomans
500
00:37:25,625 --> 00:37:27,125
by impaling them,
501
00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:32,417
so that he created
a real wood of impaled people.
502
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:37,250
He also killed women who
were not faithful to their husbands.
503
00:37:37,333 --> 00:37:41,500
Or widows who didn't respect
the law and found other lovers.
504
00:37:42,208 --> 00:37:46,583
In this case, the punishment was
to push a red heated iron bar
505
00:37:46,667 --> 00:37:49,542
through the woman's vagina,
and she was kept like that,
506
00:37:49,625 --> 00:37:52,083
naked, in the town square, until she died.
507
00:37:52,167 --> 00:37:53,667
It was for their best!
508
00:37:53,750 --> 00:37:56,292
This is his well-known portrait.
509
00:37:56,792 --> 00:37:59,208
You can see the cruelty in his eyes.
510
00:37:59,292 --> 00:38:01,750
I don't find him charming at all.
511
00:38:02,375 --> 00:38:06,208
It is said, while he was
imprisoned in Transylvania,
512
00:38:06,292 --> 00:38:09,292
he was impaling
the rats with small wooden sticks.
513
00:38:09,375 --> 00:38:12,333
Total fucking bullshit!
I never did such a thing!
514
00:38:12,417 --> 00:38:14,125
Get out, hobo!
515
00:38:14,208 --> 00:38:18,458
This is my home!
I'm no hobo, I'm Vlad the Impaler!
516
00:38:24,458 --> 00:38:27,917
I was a Champion of Christ, you--
517
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,000
Shut the fuck up!
518
00:38:30,083 --> 00:38:32,333
- Out!
- You shits!
519
00:38:33,083 --> 00:38:36,750
Come around again
and I'll break your fucking legs!
520
00:38:39,458 --> 00:38:41,125
Yes, indeed!
521
00:38:44,542 --> 00:38:48,500
This Roman guy,
Seianus, or Sejanus,
522
00:38:49,167 --> 00:38:52,875
was gathering political clout,
until, in the year 31,
523
00:38:52,958 --> 00:38:57,292
he is accused before the Senate
of plotting against the Emperor.
524
00:38:57,375 --> 00:39:01,125
He's thrown down some steps,
left to rot, sent floating down the Tibrus
525
00:39:01,208 --> 00:39:03,208
with no right to a funeral.
526
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:07,917
His family and friends were killed too,
as was the habit.
527
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,708
His daughter was
sentenced to death too.
528
00:39:11,250 --> 00:39:17,417
But since she was a virgin and
there had been no virgin executions ever,
529
00:39:18,250 --> 00:39:21,458
the executioner first had to rape her
on the execution block.
530
00:39:22,167 --> 00:39:24,667
Oh well, if it was the law.
531
00:39:26,208 --> 00:39:29,625
How did the boss lady bring you in?
You never said.
532
00:39:30,583 --> 00:39:33,250
I had some mental issues.
533
00:39:33,333 --> 00:39:36,042
Thought I was a vampire,
Dracula, Vlad the Impaler.
534
00:39:36,125 --> 00:39:39,792
- Seriously?
- It's a mental condition.
535
00:39:39,875 --> 00:39:42,042
I was even in an asylum.
536
00:39:42,125 --> 00:39:45,167
I escaped, lived on the streets a while.
537
00:39:45,250 --> 00:39:46,875
Boss lady picked me up.
538
00:39:46,958 --> 00:39:50,417
Hired me to do cleaning,
then I started with the shows.
539
00:39:50,500 --> 00:39:53,583
I turned out to be great at this.
540
00:39:53,667 --> 00:39:54,917
I liked it, too.
541
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,875
But the harassment
and hard work got too much.
542
00:39:57,958 --> 00:39:59,750
This is exploitation.
543
00:39:59,833 --> 00:40:04,667
MEANWHILE, THE PURSUERS
HAVE RETURNED TO THE RESTAURANT...
544
00:40:04,750 --> 00:40:08,042
The participation fee
is 1000 euros, but...
545
00:40:08,125 --> 00:40:09,958
the fun is worth it.
546
00:40:10,042 --> 00:40:14,208
Since the two have escaped for real,
like cowards,
547
00:40:14,292 --> 00:40:16,875
now you must look everywhere.
548
00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:20,417
And at the end,
you get to kill the vampire!
549
00:40:20,500 --> 00:40:24,000
Because this has been
our secret for years!
550
00:40:24,083 --> 00:40:26,583
Uncle Sandu isn't just an actor,
551
00:40:26,667 --> 00:40:28,625
he is a real vampire!
552
00:40:29,417 --> 00:40:32,042
We inform you that
the police has greenlit this.
553
00:40:32,125 --> 00:40:34,833
Besides, the guy is dirt poor
and has no family.
554
00:40:34,917 --> 00:40:38,292
If interested, send the money
to our Revolut account now.
555
00:40:38,375 --> 00:40:43,958
The others may leave, and remember
you've signed a non-disclosure agreement.
556
00:40:44,042 --> 00:40:47,750
This is very interesting but,
as Sergio Leone might say,
557
00:40:47,833 --> 00:40:49,833
what about for a few dollars less?
558
00:40:50,583 --> 00:40:55,458
Unfortunately no,
but I am sure your investment is worth it.
559
00:40:56,042 --> 00:40:59,833
A real vampire hunt is
not something you find every day!
560
00:40:59,917 --> 00:41:04,083
Just until we catch them,
then we go back to the hotel.
561
00:41:04,167 --> 00:41:06,167
Isn't that great, children?
562
00:41:06,250 --> 00:41:10,125
But you said I can
stake him through the heart!
563
00:41:10,208 --> 00:41:11,958
We'll see about that.
564
00:41:12,042 --> 00:41:14,125
Wonderful, children!
Revolut, alright?
565
00:41:14,208 --> 00:41:18,000
What pleasure on earth
can compare with the hunter's?
566
00:41:18,083 --> 00:41:21,958
Whose cup of life sparkles so richly?
567
00:41:22,083 --> 00:41:25,458
To lie in the verdure
while the horns sound
568
00:41:25,542 --> 00:41:29,583
To follow the stag
through thicket and pond
569
00:41:29,667 --> 00:41:33,583
If joy for a prince
is a real man's desire
570
00:41:33,667 --> 00:41:37,500
It strengthens your limbs
and spices your food
571
00:41:37,583 --> 00:41:41,292
When woods and rocks resound all about us
572
00:41:41,375 --> 00:41:45,208
A full goblet sings
a freer and happier song!
573
00:42:01,333 --> 00:42:05,125
Diana is present to brighten the night
574
00:42:05,208 --> 00:42:09,000
Her darkness cools us like
any refreshment in the day
575
00:42:09,083 --> 00:42:11,042
To fell the bloody wolf
576
00:42:11,125 --> 00:42:16,750
and the boar who
greedily roots through the green crops
577
00:42:17,333 --> 00:42:20,833
If joy for a prince, is real man's desire
578
00:42:20,917 --> 00:42:24,625
It strengthens your limbs
and spices your food
579
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:28,750
When woods and rocks resound all about us
580
00:42:28,833 --> 00:42:32,375
A full goblet sings
a freer and happier song!
581
00:42:32,458 --> 00:42:34,208
Where's the fucking vampire?
582
00:42:34,917 --> 00:42:38,875
I'll drop the silent film title cards.
They're boring.
583
00:42:38,958 --> 00:42:43,208
I've promised the audience
a beautiful love story.
584
00:42:43,292 --> 00:42:47,833
Maybe some love vibes
between Uncle Sandu and Vampira.
585
00:42:47,917 --> 00:42:49,625
What do you think, Sir Doctor?
586
00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:51,958
It's got a British upgrade.
587
00:42:52,042 --> 00:42:55,417
That senile loser
with that hot chick, no.
588
00:42:55,500 --> 00:42:58,625
We need excitement,
we need young, dynamic people.
589
00:42:58,708 --> 00:43:02,708
Then will you come up with
a beautiful, touching love story?
590
00:43:02,792 --> 00:43:05,917
Undoubtedly,
because love is a great thing.
591
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:09,292
Maybe an adaptation of a world classic?
592
00:43:09,375 --> 00:43:11,875
Romeo and Juliet, Madame Pogany.
593
00:43:11,958 --> 00:43:13,708
No. Too famous.
594
00:43:13,792 --> 00:43:17,125
I propose something homegrown, Romanian,
595
00:43:17,208 --> 00:43:19,458
obscure, but just as profound.
596
00:43:19,542 --> 00:43:22,375
You have wonderful love stories too.
597
00:43:22,458 --> 00:43:25,417
Such as Just So
by Nicolae Velea.
598
00:43:25,500 --> 00:43:27,250
A story from the '60s.
599
00:43:27,333 --> 00:43:30,375
But it's touching, right?
Hope I make myself clear!
600
00:43:30,458 --> 00:43:34,250
5. JUST SO
601
00:43:35,250 --> 00:43:38,250
Duminică suddenly felt he had been hasty.
602
00:43:38,333 --> 00:43:41,708
He had too little time behind him,
too much ahead,
603
00:43:41,792 --> 00:43:44,458
so he could afford to take it easy.
604
00:43:44,542 --> 00:43:46,125
He'd been living too fast.
605
00:43:46,208 --> 00:43:51,000
He was the best driver in the county,
working for the richest collective farm,
606
00:43:51,083 --> 00:43:53,458
and lately, for the major holidays,
607
00:43:53,542 --> 00:43:58,083
he drove the capital city's
only festival float.
608
00:43:58,167 --> 00:44:02,583
I've unlocked the gate
With a light I wait
609
00:44:02,667 --> 00:44:06,417
My mother sleeps soundly
Dreams of you surround me
610
00:44:44,292 --> 00:44:45,958
Duminică!
611
00:44:46,917 --> 00:44:48,500
- Come have a beer.
- Nah.
612
00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:50,833
- Why not?
- To make idiots ask.
613
00:44:51,333 --> 00:44:55,292
- He goes to play backgammon.
- We have backgammon here!
614
00:44:55,375 --> 00:44:57,583
Hey, Duminică!
615
00:44:58,125 --> 00:45:00,083
Ever heard this one?
616
00:45:00,708 --> 00:45:04,125
Old man of the working class
No use watching the cunts pass!
617
00:45:11,667 --> 00:45:15,208
Urgh, old Tăchioaia's coming
to ask for brandy.
618
00:45:15,292 --> 00:45:18,958
- Her son-in-law kicked her out.
- The hell do I care?
619
00:45:20,083 --> 00:45:24,083
- How's about some brandy, boys?
- We don't have any!
620
00:45:24,583 --> 00:45:27,958
I heard your son-in-law
kicked you out of the house!
621
00:45:28,042 --> 00:45:32,375
A backwards Imperialist, that one!
A damn hooliganist.
622
00:45:34,333 --> 00:45:37,125
Fuck his ass
for the working class!
623
00:45:37,542 --> 00:45:39,125
When are you going to get married?
624
00:45:41,792 --> 00:45:45,667
Șoalcă, give me some brandy,
I need to drown my gut worms.
625
00:45:45,750 --> 00:45:47,708
Here, just shut up!
626
00:45:55,083 --> 00:45:57,708
Saw that? He lost again!
627
00:45:57,792 --> 00:45:59,292
Oh no!
628
00:45:59,917 --> 00:46:02,042
Don't give up, my boy!
629
00:46:02,125 --> 00:46:05,583
Roll those devil's bones,
change your luck!
630
00:46:15,083 --> 00:46:16,750
You poor boy.
631
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,583
We play 'til we draw blood!
632
00:46:36,292 --> 00:46:38,750
- Hello, Comrade!
- Hello.
633
00:46:45,542 --> 00:46:46,708
Who was that?
634
00:46:47,292 --> 00:46:49,375
An agricultural technician from Cuca.
635
00:46:49,458 --> 00:46:51,125
Adina Gheorghe.
636
00:47:02,125 --> 00:47:04,458
- Hop in.
- I'm going to Cuca, though.
637
00:47:04,542 --> 00:47:06,333
I'll drive you there!
638
00:47:08,458 --> 00:47:09,458
There.
639
00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:29,125
Last night I drove
this beast across the field,
640
00:47:29,208 --> 00:47:31,875
to catch hares in the headlights.
641
00:47:31,958 --> 00:47:33,375
And did you?
642
00:47:34,083 --> 00:47:35,458
By the dozens!
643
00:47:36,042 --> 00:47:38,667
The collective heads got angry, though.
644
00:47:39,542 --> 00:47:41,958
They calmed down
after I gave them a few hares.
645
00:47:45,625 --> 00:47:47,167
Want a hare?
646
00:47:48,125 --> 00:47:49,750
No, I feel sorry for them.
647
00:47:51,417 --> 00:47:53,417
Don't you feel sorry for pigs?
648
00:47:53,500 --> 00:47:56,458
I do, but pigs are ugly.
649
00:48:01,792 --> 00:48:03,500
I don't feel sorry.
650
00:48:10,375 --> 00:48:12,208
It's a military vehicle, this.
651
00:48:49,583 --> 00:48:50,958
- Cheers!
- Hello.
652
00:48:51,042 --> 00:48:52,583
- What are you doing?
- Sorry?
653
00:48:52,667 --> 00:48:55,250
- After work, I mean.
- None of your business.
654
00:48:55,333 --> 00:48:57,292
- Maybe it is.
- I'm going home.
655
00:48:57,375 --> 00:48:59,667
- I'll drive you.
- I have the bike.
656
00:48:59,750 --> 00:49:03,708
I can drive you
and the damn bike too!
657
00:49:05,208 --> 00:49:06,250
Hop in.
658
00:49:23,833 --> 00:49:26,708
I saw you a while ago, up on the hill.
659
00:49:27,750 --> 00:49:30,500
Well, half of you, it was foggy.
660
00:49:30,583 --> 00:49:31,750
So?
661
00:49:32,625 --> 00:49:34,917
I don't want to know
only half of you.
662
00:49:37,167 --> 00:49:38,583
Why not?
663
00:49:38,667 --> 00:49:40,625
You'll only get more beautiful.
664
00:49:41,375 --> 00:49:45,375
- How do you know?
- Trust me, you do!
665
00:49:46,292 --> 00:49:47,250
Don't think so.
666
00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:50,125
A cousin of mine got married.
667
00:49:50,208 --> 00:49:53,875
The day after the wedding,
she didn't look any better nor worse.
668
00:49:53,958 --> 00:49:55,208
You think?
669
00:50:27,375 --> 00:50:29,625
I came to give you a lift again.
670
00:50:30,792 --> 00:50:32,583
This time I'm taking the bike.
671
00:50:36,125 --> 00:50:38,083
Fine, then I'm coming along.
672
00:50:40,750 --> 00:50:42,083
Auschwitz!
673
00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:47,667
Grandpa used to cycle
40 kilometres to work
674
00:50:47,750 --> 00:50:49,458
and another 40 back.
675
00:50:49,542 --> 00:50:51,792
- Poor soul!
- He worked at the bread factory.
676
00:50:53,333 --> 00:50:55,542
He'd always bring fresh bread.
677
00:50:55,625 --> 00:50:58,833
Me and my sister, we'd snatch it up
and just eat it plain.
678
00:52:11,417 --> 00:52:13,583
Did something happen at your place?
679
00:52:15,333 --> 00:52:17,083
No, why?
680
00:52:17,875 --> 00:52:19,708
You haven't come this past week.
681
00:52:20,250 --> 00:52:21,333
Really.
682
00:52:25,750 --> 00:52:26,958
Just tell me!
683
00:53:12,167 --> 00:53:15,833
They began to meet each evening,
as if it was understood.
684
00:53:15,917 --> 00:53:19,042
They never set a place or time,
685
00:53:19,125 --> 00:53:22,333
but always met at
the same place and time.
686
00:53:22,417 --> 00:53:27,375
Duminică was smoking more now,
but each time after he met Adina
687
00:53:27,458 --> 00:53:31,083
he didn't feel the smell
of tobacco in his clothes and mouth.
688
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,583
You know, someone told me...
689
00:53:53,167 --> 00:53:56,667
in the USSR, writers and intellectuals,
690
00:53:56,750 --> 00:53:59,375
when they go to international congresses,
691
00:53:59,458 --> 00:54:03,375
need to scrub their hands
with this special device.
692
00:54:03,458 --> 00:54:04,458
Why?
693
00:54:04,542 --> 00:54:06,208
To get calluses.
694
00:54:06,292 --> 00:54:09,583
To make it look like they work
in factories or agriculture.
695
00:54:18,417 --> 00:54:19,542
Say...
696
00:54:21,333 --> 00:54:23,417
Do you dream of me at night?
697
00:54:23,500 --> 00:54:24,542
No.
698
00:54:25,083 --> 00:54:25,958
Why not?
699
00:54:26,625 --> 00:54:28,417
Because then I'd be killing you.
700
00:54:29,750 --> 00:54:31,167
How so?
701
00:54:31,250 --> 00:54:32,583
Just so.
702
00:54:33,292 --> 00:54:36,833
I get angry when a man
slips into my dreams.
703
00:54:36,917 --> 00:54:39,167
None of them makes it out of there.
704
00:54:39,250 --> 00:54:44,042
If I wake up mid-dream
and they manage to run off,
705
00:54:44,125 --> 00:54:47,917
I turn over and pick up
the dream were I left it.
706
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:49,792
So I still kill them.
707
00:54:49,875 --> 00:54:51,792
Well, what do you know!
708
00:54:51,875 --> 00:54:53,500
I'm serious.
709
00:54:53,583 --> 00:54:57,583
Once I dreamed about
that guy in Animal Husbandry
710
00:54:57,667 --> 00:55:00,750
coming over with a demijohn of brandy
711
00:55:00,833 --> 00:55:02,750
and when he tried to jump on me,
712
00:55:02,833 --> 00:55:04,792
I stuck a pitchfork in his face.
713
00:55:06,667 --> 00:55:08,500
So you care about me.
714
00:55:10,542 --> 00:55:14,333
They laughed, embarrassed,
and changed the subject.
715
00:55:14,417 --> 00:55:18,417
They began to exchange
very sad letters, while laughing it off.
716
00:55:18,500 --> 00:55:21,750
When one of them let slip
something like a confession,
717
00:55:21,833 --> 00:55:24,958
the other brushed it off with a laugh.
718
00:55:25,042 --> 00:55:31,750
They felt protected by something
that allowed them to play pretend,
719
00:55:31,833 --> 00:55:35,125
to stay for a while
the way they truly were.
720
00:55:35,208 --> 00:55:37,583
It allowed them, or so they thought,
721
00:55:37,667 --> 00:55:42,917
to rebuild and re-live
what should have been.
722
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:47,125
For a while, they wanted
to keep living just so, provisionally.
723
00:56:01,917 --> 00:56:05,042
- What?
- Want a drive to Săuca?
724
00:56:07,625 --> 00:56:08,792
To do what?
725
00:56:08,875 --> 00:56:13,458
I need to pick up their milk and eggs,
their truck is broken.
726
00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:19,833
Why are you upset?
727
00:56:21,375 --> 00:56:25,042
At the collective farm
they killed a horse I liked.
728
00:56:26,333 --> 00:56:27,667
Why did they?
729
00:56:29,708 --> 00:56:31,042
I don't know.
730
00:56:31,667 --> 00:56:33,250
It was old.
731
00:56:34,625 --> 00:56:37,250
Why kill it just because it was old?
732
00:56:40,625 --> 00:56:43,333
They fed the meat to the chickens.
733
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,042
Do they eat meat?
734
00:56:47,125 --> 00:56:48,792
Apparently they do.
735
00:56:49,833 --> 00:56:54,000
Then a drunk tractor driver
ran over some of the chickens.
736
00:56:58,375 --> 00:57:00,000
It's so horrid.
737
00:57:01,458 --> 00:57:04,833
The tractors come,
so they kill off the horses,
738
00:57:05,542 --> 00:57:08,375
then they feed
the horse meat to the chickens,
739
00:57:09,625 --> 00:57:12,208
then a tractor comes
and kills the chickens too.
740
00:57:19,375 --> 00:57:20,417
Say...
741
00:57:22,125 --> 00:57:24,750
Have I ever mentioned I'm married?
742
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,458
- Are you really?
- Yeah!
743
00:57:37,542 --> 00:57:40,583
May lightning strike me if I'm not!
744
00:57:45,500 --> 00:57:47,208
But are you really?
745
00:57:47,292 --> 00:57:49,708
Have been for two years!
746
00:57:56,042 --> 00:57:57,250
Well then...
747
00:58:30,042 --> 00:58:31,667
Easy.
748
00:59:49,958 --> 00:59:52,208
Can't you see she's dead?
749
00:59:55,625 --> 00:59:56,625
Out!
750
01:00:37,083 --> 01:00:38,625
What do you want?
751
01:00:39,125 --> 01:00:42,708
I came to pick up the milk,
has everyone gone home?
752
01:00:42,792 --> 01:00:46,167
You took forever!
It's over there.
753
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:36,208
The truck was swathed
in streaks of milk.
754
01:02:36,292 --> 01:02:40,292
To Duminică, the white was dizzying,
frightening at first.
755
01:02:40,375 --> 01:02:43,625
Then it made him happy,
thinking he had found that place
756
01:02:43,708 --> 01:02:46,375
where all is unreal and repairable.
757
01:02:46,458 --> 01:02:50,042
There couldn't be rivers of milk
one could drown in.
758
01:02:50,125 --> 01:02:54,458
Quietly, he told someone
to stop the game, it was enough.
759
01:03:01,833 --> 01:03:05,542
Yes indeed!
A nice, touching story.
760
01:03:05,625 --> 01:03:07,375
Chekhovian!
761
01:03:07,875 --> 01:03:10,125
Not really a love story, though.
762
01:03:10,208 --> 01:03:12,542
The spectators might be disappointed.
763
01:03:12,625 --> 01:03:13,917
Let's try again.
764
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:15,875
- Right now?
- Later!
765
01:03:15,958 --> 01:03:18,958
Let me show you
how my runaways are doing.
766
01:03:48,875 --> 01:03:50,792
They sent out the police!
767
01:03:51,458 --> 01:03:52,708
Fuck them.
768
01:04:01,333 --> 01:04:03,417
- Let's go back.
- Back there?
769
01:04:04,208 --> 01:04:07,292
They won't expect us to go back.
770
01:04:07,375 --> 01:04:09,333
We can escape in the morning.
771
01:04:12,625 --> 01:04:15,875
- I love torturing, killing...
- The Americans do it too.
772
01:04:15,958 --> 01:04:18,083
Not the same at all!
773
01:04:18,167 --> 01:04:21,875
If you saw the things we do!
Mr Putin gave us free rein.
774
01:04:21,958 --> 01:04:24,917
Any Ukrainian we catch,
we kill with sledgehammers!
775
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:26,458
Wagner!
776
01:04:26,542 --> 01:04:29,625
An American soldier has a little fun,
777
01:04:29,708 --> 01:04:32,292
the media and the judges are on him.
778
01:04:32,375 --> 01:04:35,208
Romania hosted
an American torture centre too.
779
01:04:35,292 --> 01:04:40,125
Operation Bright Light.
It was in Bucharest, near a school.
780
01:04:40,208 --> 01:04:44,167
The European media made
more of a fuss than the local one.
781
01:04:44,250 --> 01:04:47,750
Romanians let them torture away.
782
01:04:47,833 --> 01:04:49,875
Detention Site Black, it was called.
783
01:04:49,958 --> 01:04:55,500
I heard Americans used
rock music for torture, Metallica...
784
01:04:56,125 --> 01:04:59,250
Rage Against the Machine,
Britney Spears...
785
01:04:59,333 --> 01:05:03,917
Then a Romanian collaborator
put them all to shame,
786
01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:08,167
torturing them to The Romanian Rhapsody,
which was even more effective!
787
01:05:08,250 --> 01:05:11,083
We can teach them a thing or two!
788
01:05:11,167 --> 01:05:12,792
Was Băsescu president?
789
01:05:12,875 --> 01:05:15,542
No, dear little Comrade Iliescu!
790
01:05:15,625 --> 01:05:17,833
And a good thing he did!
791
01:05:17,917 --> 01:05:19,708
Sometimes you have no choice.
792
01:05:19,792 --> 01:05:21,792
Take this situation:
793
01:05:21,875 --> 01:05:24,125
Say we've caught a terrorist
794
01:05:24,208 --> 01:05:28,000
who's hidden a bomb
that will kill 5000 people.
795
01:05:28,083 --> 01:05:29,458
What do we do?
796
01:05:29,542 --> 01:05:32,583
We interrogate him, he won't confess.
797
01:05:32,667 --> 01:05:34,667
So we have to torture him
798
01:05:34,750 --> 01:05:39,000
to find where the bomb is
and save 5000 lives.
799
01:05:39,083 --> 01:05:42,417
It's not even torture,
just "enhanced interrogation".
800
01:05:42,500 --> 01:05:47,500
Tzvetan Todorov says
the French claimed the same in Algeria.
801
01:05:48,917 --> 01:05:52,625
They justified torture to save--
802
01:05:52,708 --> 01:05:55,208
To save potential victims,
803
01:05:55,292 --> 01:06:00,083
but practically, there's no case
of lives saved through torture.
804
01:06:00,167 --> 01:06:02,125
Of course he'd say that!
805
01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,542
It suits him, stupid Bulgarian.
806
01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:07,708
Actually, torture solves a lot of issues.
807
01:06:07,792 --> 01:06:10,542
Enhanced interrogation, I mean.
808
01:06:10,625 --> 01:06:15,083
Otherwise, our way of life
would go down the drain.
809
01:06:15,625 --> 01:06:18,250
The CIA collaborated with Nazis.
810
01:06:18,333 --> 01:06:20,500
Like Klaus Barbie.
811
01:06:20,583 --> 01:06:24,042
The Russians work
with Fascists too, so what?
812
01:06:24,125 --> 01:06:27,125
They don't even hide, they do it in style!
813
01:06:27,208 --> 01:06:29,833
Way back when, it used to be a secret.
814
01:06:30,375 --> 01:06:33,917
Ever heard of Manshu Detachment 731?
815
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:35,958
Where's that Jap?
816
01:06:36,750 --> 01:06:42,875
It's where, in WW2, the Japanese made
every horrible experiment imaginable.
817
01:06:42,958 --> 01:06:45,875
Killed hundreds of thousands of Chinese.
818
01:06:45,958 --> 01:06:47,250
If not millions.
819
01:06:47,333 --> 01:06:49,250
I didn't know that.
820
01:06:49,333 --> 01:06:52,333
There's so many Chinese anyway, fuck them.
821
01:06:52,417 --> 01:06:55,875
Our knowledge of
the effects of freezing on the body
822
01:06:55,958 --> 01:06:58,375
evolved only thanks to those experiments.
823
01:06:58,458 --> 01:07:00,792
So the Americans, in 1945,
824
01:07:00,875 --> 01:07:06,750
let those murdering doctors go free
in exchange for information.
825
01:07:06,833 --> 01:07:09,958
One of them, Dr Yoshimura Hisato,
826
01:07:10,042 --> 01:07:13,500
became
Dean of the Kyoto University of Medicine
827
01:07:13,583 --> 01:07:16,625
and used his knowledge on cold exposure...
828
01:07:16,708 --> 01:07:18,375
Put it down there.
829
01:07:19,917 --> 01:07:24,042
...and became consultant for
a Japanese expedition to the South Pole.
830
01:07:24,125 --> 01:07:26,083
That's how mankind evolves.
831
01:07:26,167 --> 01:07:30,958
Think they'd say, "We can't use knowledge
obtained that way"?
832
01:07:31,750 --> 01:07:34,833
Same goes for Russians
torturing and killing in Ukraine.
833
01:07:54,208 --> 01:07:57,833
They'll get tired running and quit.
834
01:07:57,917 --> 01:07:59,958
I hope so, fucking wankers!
835
01:08:01,083 --> 01:08:02,708
Sure they will!
836
01:08:02,792 --> 01:08:06,167
People are lazy, they get bored quickly.
837
01:08:06,250 --> 01:08:09,250
Even the shape of the pyramids proves
838
01:08:09,333 --> 01:08:14,375
that as they work, people feel like
doing less and less of it!
839
01:08:55,708 --> 01:08:57,208
Where is he?
840
01:08:57,708 --> 01:08:58,750
Up!
841
01:08:58,833 --> 01:09:00,625
I see him! There!
842
01:09:00,708 --> 01:09:02,833
- He's up there!
- There's nothing there.
843
01:09:02,917 --> 01:09:04,708
There! Come on!
844
01:09:11,917 --> 01:09:17,042
I'm reading this thing about
the old names of Romanian towns.
845
01:09:17,125 --> 01:09:18,125
Like?
846
01:09:19,042 --> 01:09:23,500
Poverty and misery are visible
in the old names of communities.
847
01:09:24,167 --> 01:09:28,833
Many villages had names
like Misery, Ever-Hungry,
848
01:09:28,917 --> 01:09:32,417
Downtrodden, Starvington, Shithole,
849
01:09:32,500 --> 01:09:36,750
Lousy, Lice-Ridden, Cursed-Village,
850
01:09:36,833 --> 01:09:38,542
Full-of-Shit, Dung-Pit.
851
01:09:39,042 --> 01:09:42,000
They were only changed
after Carol II's reform.
852
01:09:42,083 --> 01:09:43,208
I know.
853
01:09:44,625 --> 01:09:49,292
But other village names
show we're a vigorous people.
854
01:09:49,375 --> 01:09:54,167
Fuckeree, with its Church of Whores.
855
01:09:54,792 --> 01:10:00,417
Places named Clitty, Cockaton,
Cuntsville, Ballsack.
856
01:10:02,250 --> 01:10:05,292
- As a counterargument...
- No touching!
857
01:10:05,375 --> 01:10:11,542
...many villages
had names like Rich-Place,
858
01:10:11,625 --> 01:10:14,417
because hard workers made good money.
859
01:10:14,500 --> 01:10:19,042
That only means
some were rich and many were poor.
860
01:10:19,125 --> 01:10:20,417
Just like now.
861
01:10:23,917 --> 01:10:26,417
While the two huddle there in fright,
862
01:10:26,500 --> 01:10:29,417
please, Dr AI JUDEX 0.0,
863
01:10:29,500 --> 01:10:33,875
make a classical silent film,
in the line of Dreyer or Samuel Beckett.
864
01:10:33,958 --> 01:10:37,750
7. THE FANGS OF THE VAMPIRE
865
01:11:46,750 --> 01:11:50,542
WHAT CAN A POOR MAN DO
IF HE HAS A TOOTHACHE?
866
01:11:56,292 --> 01:12:00,125
THE POOR SHOULD
PULL OUT THEIR OWN TEETH!
867
01:12:06,792 --> 01:12:09,042
Fuck you, scumbag!
868
01:13:06,042 --> 01:13:07,708
Not so hot!
869
01:13:07,792 --> 01:13:11,375
Besides, I asked for a silent film!
870
01:13:11,458 --> 01:13:12,500
But it was.
871
01:13:12,583 --> 01:13:15,792
Only half of it, Dottore.
And it was in colour!
872
01:13:15,875 --> 01:13:20,875
You didn't specify black-and-white.
Besides, that doesn't sell.
873
01:13:20,958 --> 01:13:22,292
Whatever.
874
01:13:22,375 --> 01:13:25,875
Let's give the audience
something short, yet moving.
875
01:13:25,958 --> 01:13:29,542
Maybe a musical,
to please the audience.
876
01:13:29,625 --> 01:13:30,417
Of course!
877
01:13:30,500 --> 01:13:34,250
8. A BALLAD
878
01:13:34,333 --> 01:13:37,458
I got up and climbed a vine
879
01:13:38,708 --> 01:13:41,083
To see if my goats were fine
880
01:13:42,833 --> 01:13:45,458
The goats licked on a salt rock
881
01:13:47,083 --> 01:13:49,708
Cute girls can't stay off my cock
882
01:13:59,250 --> 01:14:01,708
Bridegroom, yesterday you bawled
883
01:14:03,500 --> 01:14:06,250
And complained your cock was small
884
01:14:07,500 --> 01:14:09,750
See the blood drip from the hole
885
01:14:11,667 --> 01:14:14,167
You complained your cock was small!
886
01:14:15,625 --> 01:14:18,042
Give the shepherd fields and flocks
887
01:14:20,000 --> 01:14:22,250
Give the bride a bed of cocks!
888
01:14:24,125 --> 01:14:26,500
The best cock, or so I read
889
01:14:28,250 --> 01:14:30,500
Looks and feels like a duck's head
890
01:14:32,208 --> 01:14:33,208
Merci beaucoup.
891
01:14:34,292 --> 01:14:36,667
What's that crap, you retard?
892
01:14:37,583 --> 01:14:40,208
I said emotional, not vulgar!
893
01:14:40,292 --> 01:14:42,792
I apologise, I've caught a virus.
894
01:14:42,875 --> 01:14:45,542
No, I apologise! To the audience!
895
01:14:45,625 --> 01:14:47,500
Though it's not my fault. You animal!
896
01:14:47,583 --> 01:14:49,875
I deeply and personally apologise,
897
01:14:49,958 --> 01:14:53,083
but I require repairs
by Silicon Valley engineers.
898
01:14:53,167 --> 01:14:55,208
- Do I need to do anything?
- No.
899
01:14:55,292 --> 01:14:58,500
I've contacted them,
they'll get to work on the servers.
900
01:15:01,583 --> 01:15:02,917
Here!
901
01:15:03,000 --> 01:15:04,042
Stop!
902
01:15:04,833 --> 01:15:06,042
Come, come.
903
01:15:08,333 --> 01:15:11,333
It's closed!
Come, come!
904
01:15:18,792 --> 01:15:24,083
Dear Dr AI JUDEX 0.0,
now the Americans got you fixed,
905
01:15:24,167 --> 01:15:29,458
adapt the first Romanian vampire novel.
906
01:15:29,542 --> 01:15:33,625
Vampirul by Bilciurescu and Amza, 1938.
907
01:15:33,708 --> 01:15:38,000
Certainly. This will be
a longer digression, about 50 minutes,
908
01:15:38,083 --> 01:15:41,875
but full of adventure
and wondrous plot twists.
909
01:15:41,958 --> 01:15:45,750
8. THE VAMPIRE
910
01:15:56,625 --> 01:16:02,083
Night had lowered its
lugubrious mantle over the land,
911
01:16:02,167 --> 01:16:05,583
accompanied by a rattling, ceaseless rain,
912
01:16:05,667 --> 01:16:09,375
deafeningly punctuated
by a formidable storm.
913
01:16:10,417 --> 01:16:14,417
From the four corners of space,
the four known winds
914
01:16:14,500 --> 01:16:16,750
had found a place to duel,
915
01:16:16,833 --> 01:16:20,000
at the heart of the region's mountains.
916
01:16:20,083 --> 01:16:21,917
Like the runner at Marathon,
917
01:16:22,000 --> 01:16:25,083
tired, but having
conquered great distances,
918
01:16:25,792 --> 01:16:31,208
the train let out its last huff
in the Oravița station.
919
01:16:32,875 --> 01:16:34,083
Yes!
920
01:16:35,375 --> 01:16:37,875
- Some trout, Sir?
- Is it poached?
921
01:16:37,958 --> 01:16:40,208
No one ever poaches here.
922
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:44,500
Anyway, a few trout less
won't harm the lake
923
01:16:44,583 --> 01:16:47,917
nor the clear rivers
flowing through our mountains.
924
01:16:52,792 --> 01:16:55,792
Allow me to introduce myself.
Solomon Bastius.
925
01:16:55,875 --> 01:16:59,542
Cereal trader here in Oravița.
My company is "The Budding Grain".
926
01:16:59,625 --> 01:17:03,042
PhD candidate Corneliu Cociu,
graduate of Letters and Philosophy.
927
01:17:03,125 --> 01:17:05,792
- I studied with Martin Heidegger.
- Oh my!
928
01:17:05,875 --> 01:17:07,750
What brings you here?
929
01:17:07,833 --> 01:17:12,958
Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth
has hired me to be his secretary.
930
01:17:13,042 --> 01:17:17,042
The castle isn't his.
He's the late Count's brother-in-law.
931
01:17:17,125 --> 01:17:21,125
And legal guardian to his niece,
Countess Ermina Kollovrat.
932
01:17:21,208 --> 01:17:22,958
I don't envy you, though.
933
01:17:23,042 --> 01:17:26,042
The things that happen
in that cursed castle!
934
01:17:28,542 --> 01:17:31,000
The vampire is coming! Hide!
935
01:17:31,083 --> 01:17:33,583
- What chases you, good people?
- A vampire!
936
01:17:33,667 --> 01:17:35,250
A vampire!
937
01:17:35,833 --> 01:17:38,333
A vampire has been
haunting our parts, Sir.
938
01:17:38,417 --> 01:17:42,042
- What is a vampire?
- You've never heard of it?
939
01:17:42,125 --> 01:17:44,417
A dead body coming to life each night,
940
01:17:44,500 --> 01:17:48,125
leaving his grave
and sucking the blood of the living!
941
01:17:48,667 --> 01:17:50,333
I just saw him!
942
01:17:50,417 --> 01:17:54,042
He had a bat's wings,
a man's body and an eagle's claws!
943
01:17:54,125 --> 01:17:56,125
And frightening eyes,
944
01:17:56,208 --> 01:17:58,833
like brass pans
turned red-hot in the fire!
945
01:17:58,917 --> 01:18:03,292
The hands under his wings
clasped a dagger of unusual size.
946
01:18:03,375 --> 01:18:06,583
He said, "Follow me or die here!"
947
01:18:06,667 --> 01:18:09,750
As he made his threat,
lightning struck nearby,
948
01:18:09,833 --> 01:18:12,958
and an owl's fateful cry
heralded our grim end.
949
01:18:13,042 --> 01:18:15,250
But, as if by miracle, he disappeared
950
01:18:15,333 --> 01:18:18,708
and as we ran off,
we heard from behind,
951
01:18:18,792 --> 01:18:21,750
"No one escapes my revenge, nor will you!"
952
01:18:21,833 --> 01:18:23,708
What is his business with you?
953
01:18:23,792 --> 01:18:27,458
We mocked him, denying his existence!
954
01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:28,958
Has he hurt anyone?
955
01:18:29,042 --> 01:18:32,333
He's sucked the blood of
two people in Sommerfrische.
956
01:18:32,417 --> 01:18:34,958
They were from
the tuberculosis sanatorium
957
01:18:35,042 --> 01:18:39,000
and, unable to run,
were torn apart by a pack of wolves!
958
01:18:39,083 --> 01:18:44,375
Vampires have the power
to turn into bats, wolves or eagles!
959
01:18:44,458 --> 01:18:48,708
This region is ruled by a society
whose main constituents are
960
01:18:48,792 --> 01:18:51,542
the former owners or their heirs.
961
01:18:51,625 --> 01:18:54,917
It is haunted by a vampire,
thought to have his lair
962
01:18:55,000 --> 01:18:58,208
in the very castle of
the Kollovrat counts, your destination.
963
01:18:58,292 --> 01:19:01,333
The troubles have been more persistent
964
01:19:01,417 --> 01:19:03,792
since Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth
965
01:19:03,875 --> 01:19:08,083
built a church and brought in a priest
to pray for the region's salvation.
966
01:19:08,167 --> 01:19:11,167
The Church is Catholic,
the priest is Eastern Orthodox!
967
01:19:11,250 --> 01:19:14,708
Nonsense!
Get me a cariole to take me to the castle.
968
01:19:14,792 --> 01:19:16,500
Sir, you don't understand--
969
01:19:16,583 --> 01:19:19,083
- Out of my way!
- It's dangerous!
970
01:19:19,167 --> 01:19:20,417
God keep us safe!
971
01:19:29,958 --> 01:19:31,417
Giddy-up, my black beauty!
972
01:20:08,667 --> 01:20:11,000
Are you Mr Korneliu Kokyu?
973
01:20:11,083 --> 01:20:13,708
Yes, Baron. Cociu.
974
01:20:14,917 --> 01:20:16,083
Welcome!
975
01:20:16,167 --> 01:20:19,667
I don't speak good German,
but I understand it.
976
01:20:19,750 --> 01:20:21,583
I understand Romanian.
977
01:20:22,542 --> 01:20:26,333
I studied Philosophy
with Martin Heidegger.
978
01:20:26,917 --> 01:20:29,542
Your friend from the NSDAP.
979
01:20:30,042 --> 01:20:32,042
No need to call me Baron.
980
01:20:32,125 --> 01:20:36,333
Nobility by birth is chance.
True nobility is intellectual.
981
01:20:36,417 --> 01:20:39,000
- Not here. There.
- Yes.
982
01:20:39,083 --> 01:20:40,750
Just call me "Sir",
983
01:20:40,833 --> 01:20:43,667
or, once we've known
each other better, "my old friend".
984
01:20:45,958 --> 01:20:49,125
Now let me explain
what I expect of you.
985
01:20:49,917 --> 01:20:52,625
I want you to be by my side,
986
01:20:53,125 --> 01:20:56,292
so we may support each other morally.
987
01:20:56,375 --> 01:21:00,833
This castle is yours, as much
as it is mine and the young lady's,
988
01:21:01,333 --> 01:21:03,167
my pupil.
989
01:21:03,250 --> 01:21:07,208
Your task will be to put order
into the documents and manuscripts here,
990
01:21:07,292 --> 01:21:09,333
and, apart from that,
991
01:21:09,417 --> 01:21:13,625
to make an inventory
and catalogue of the library.
992
01:21:13,708 --> 01:21:16,125
Wow, the complete Edward Gibbon!
993
01:21:16,208 --> 01:21:18,833
The main purpose of your presence here,
994
01:21:18,917 --> 01:21:21,292
though I have not mentioned it before,
995
01:21:21,375 --> 01:21:25,083
is that there may be, in this castle,
996
01:21:25,625 --> 01:21:27,833
not one, but two men.
997
01:21:27,917 --> 01:21:28,875
I see.
998
01:21:34,667 --> 01:21:35,958
Good evening.
999
01:21:36,042 --> 01:21:40,125
PhD candidate Corneliu Cociu.
I've studied with Martin Heidegger.
1000
01:21:40,208 --> 01:21:42,333
Countess Ermina of Kollovrat.
1001
01:21:42,875 --> 01:21:47,667
My apologies for not knocking.
I am used to being alone here.
1002
01:21:47,750 --> 01:21:53,083
But I am glad to find you here,
and fully aware of your important task.
1003
01:21:53,708 --> 01:21:58,458
The timbre of her crystalline voice
came as if through a receptacle.
1004
01:21:59,083 --> 01:22:03,583
As Cociu gazed at her,
her features blazed into his mind,
1005
01:22:03,667 --> 01:22:08,625
like those of an otherworldly being
he had met millennia ago.
1006
01:22:09,417 --> 01:22:14,250
Perhaps the archetype
of his dream, embodied here and now.
1007
01:22:14,333 --> 01:22:18,000
Young countess Ermina of Kollovrat
was one of those creatures
1008
01:22:18,083 --> 01:22:21,208
only seen in the Oriental
reaches of our fantasy.
1009
01:22:21,708 --> 01:22:27,500
With the pure oval of her face,
like those in Renaissance paintings,
1010
01:22:28,500 --> 01:22:32,083
she seemed a Georgian,
meant to express through her being,
1011
01:22:32,167 --> 01:22:36,500
the embodiment of
perfection in the human race.
1012
01:22:36,583 --> 01:22:39,250
Yes, I am the Countess of Kollovrat,
1013
01:22:39,333 --> 01:22:42,083
owner of this castle
and the surrounding mountains.
1014
01:22:42,167 --> 01:22:44,750
Yet more miserable than a beggar.
1015
01:22:44,833 --> 01:22:49,417
The Countess of Kollovrat,
so wonderfully gifted by nature,
1016
01:22:49,500 --> 01:22:52,958
with such a considerable fortune,
is unhappy?
1017
01:22:53,042 --> 01:22:56,333
Sir, all my endowments from nature
1018
01:22:56,417 --> 01:23:00,458
can only be appreciated, as you see,
by the mountain pines!
1019
01:23:01,917 --> 01:23:03,167
The vampire!
1020
01:23:23,125 --> 01:23:24,458
Countess!
1021
01:23:24,542 --> 01:23:26,042
What is wrong?
1022
01:23:27,417 --> 01:23:28,500
Ermina!
1023
01:23:29,750 --> 01:23:32,750
As a scientist,
I cannot believe such things.
1024
01:23:32,833 --> 01:23:37,333
Only uncultured people or
highly sensitive souls like my niece
1025
01:23:37,417 --> 01:23:39,458
can believe such stories.
1026
01:23:39,542 --> 01:23:42,333
But, Baron, what I have seen last night...
1027
01:23:42,417 --> 01:23:43,958
Is something banal.
1028
01:23:46,083 --> 01:23:49,667
You can see bats in
every building around here.
1029
01:23:49,750 --> 01:23:53,958
As for wolves, they howl all around.
1030
01:23:54,042 --> 01:23:56,000
Yet, to appease you
1031
01:23:56,083 --> 01:24:00,542
by conceding that you have
indeed seen something unusual,
1032
01:24:00,625 --> 01:24:05,333
I will tell you there is a theory
on collective hallucination.
1033
01:24:06,125 --> 01:24:10,458
The madness of the masses
creates a peculiar atmosphere,
1034
01:24:10,542 --> 01:24:13,250
and you yourself have entered it.
1035
01:24:29,792 --> 01:24:31,833
The young Countess!
1036
01:24:32,583 --> 01:24:33,708
Ermina!
1037
01:24:34,333 --> 01:24:36,708
There is... blood!
1038
01:24:39,458 --> 01:24:41,000
She is dead!
1039
01:24:41,667 --> 01:24:44,083
- Ermina is dead!
- No, not dead!
1040
01:24:44,167 --> 01:24:46,625
- Send for the doctor!
- Jawohl!
1041
01:24:52,875 --> 01:24:57,208
Something like a shadow
penetrated through the window.
1042
01:24:57,292 --> 01:25:00,292
Before I could cry for help, I fainted,
1043
01:25:00,375 --> 01:25:01,917
that's all I know...
1044
01:25:03,708 --> 01:25:04,875
Baron,
1045
01:25:05,583 --> 01:25:07,375
this is my diagnosis:
1046
01:25:08,208 --> 01:25:11,708
Your niece has fallen
victim to the vampire
1047
01:25:11,792 --> 01:25:14,000
who has made many victims already.
1048
01:25:14,083 --> 01:25:17,417
I advise you to hang by every door
1049
01:25:17,500 --> 01:25:21,583
Knoblauch and twigs of holly
dipped in holy water.
1050
01:25:21,667 --> 01:25:22,958
What, you?
1051
01:25:23,042 --> 01:25:27,042
As a man of science,
you shouldn't resort to such compromise.
1052
01:25:27,958 --> 01:25:30,083
I cannot comprehend this.
1053
01:25:30,167 --> 01:25:32,875
Even if vampires really existed,
1054
01:25:32,958 --> 01:25:36,000
I would not fight them
with the weapons of superstition!
1055
01:25:36,083 --> 01:25:40,917
Prayer, prayer alone can
fight the acts of the Unholy One!
1056
01:25:41,000 --> 01:25:42,125
Pray!
1057
01:25:42,208 --> 01:25:45,500
Herr Baron, you are not superstitious.
Move aside!
1058
01:25:46,167 --> 01:25:48,042
Me, superstitious?
1059
01:25:49,292 --> 01:25:51,042
No.
1060
01:25:51,917 --> 01:25:53,083
Listen.
1061
01:25:53,708 --> 01:25:56,375
I have brought this priest here,
1062
01:25:56,458 --> 01:26:01,333
built and furnished a church
so that God, with his power,
1063
01:26:01,417 --> 01:26:03,417
may vanquish Satan.
1064
01:26:04,000 --> 01:26:07,333
Please don't consider me
a fanatic for this.
1065
01:26:07,417 --> 01:26:09,667
I see God merely as...
1066
01:26:09,750 --> 01:26:14,333
an arbiter of the Universe,
a form of balance,
1067
01:26:14,417 --> 01:26:17,875
the power of cohesion
between Force and Matter.
1068
01:26:19,125 --> 01:26:21,792
I only built that church for the people.
1069
01:26:21,875 --> 01:26:23,833
For the simple minds,
1070
01:26:23,917 --> 01:26:28,375
who need to live in fear
and respect of holy things.
1071
01:26:28,458 --> 01:26:32,167
An educated man
has his church in his soul.
1072
01:26:32,958 --> 01:26:35,167
Just a moment, Father.
1073
01:26:36,500 --> 01:26:39,750
A Fascist colleague, Eliade Mircea,
told me a Zen koan .
1074
01:26:39,833 --> 01:26:44,250
"We know how two hands clap,
but how does a single hand?"
1075
01:26:53,125 --> 01:26:57,917
You blame the 60 dead and 120 wounded
in the mine cave-in
1076
01:26:58,000 --> 01:26:59,917
on the vampire.
1077
01:27:00,000 --> 01:27:01,917
It may well be
1078
01:27:02,000 --> 01:27:05,542
as a result of your lack of faith!
1079
01:27:05,625 --> 01:27:11,750
Religious faith alone is all-powerful
in the fight against evil!
1080
01:27:12,583 --> 01:27:15,458
Why does this vampire appear before us,
1081
01:27:15,542 --> 01:27:20,375
terrorising, assaulting,
sometimes killing?
1082
01:27:20,458 --> 01:27:26,375
Because men have turned evil
and lost their faith in God!
1083
01:27:26,458 --> 01:27:30,333
Our church is emptier by the day,
1084
01:27:30,417 --> 01:27:34,458
and those who do enter it
have dishonest souls!
1085
01:27:34,542 --> 01:27:36,250
Petty souls!
1086
01:27:36,333 --> 01:27:38,625
They all come empty-handed,
1087
01:27:38,708 --> 01:27:44,500
not thinking of our church's
needs and expenses!
1088
01:27:45,583 --> 01:27:49,083
Why does the vampire
not visit me, for instance?
1089
01:27:49,167 --> 01:27:54,417
Because he fears the Holy Archangel
who, by the grace of the Lord,
1090
01:27:54,500 --> 01:27:58,333
guards me and casts away evil spirits,
1091
01:27:58,417 --> 01:28:00,667
with his fiery sword!
1092
01:28:00,750 --> 01:28:03,750
Believe in God
and you shall be saved,
1093
01:28:03,833 --> 01:28:07,250
pray and you shall be protected!
1094
01:28:08,042 --> 01:28:10,750
Otherwise, like Sodom and Gomorrah,
1095
01:28:10,833 --> 01:28:15,667
Earth shall be engulfed
in the all-consuming flames
1096
01:28:15,750 --> 01:28:21,250
and we shall perish in
the ghastly torment of unforgiving Hell!
1097
01:28:21,333 --> 01:28:26,167
Frightened by the pathetic tones
of this new Savonarola,
1098
01:28:26,250 --> 01:28:30,083
heads hung even lower, knees were bent,
1099
01:28:30,167 --> 01:28:34,708
trembling amber-yellow fingers
clasped prayer books,
1100
01:28:35,208 --> 01:28:41,750
and coins jingled in the offertory box.
1101
01:28:44,208 --> 01:28:49,458
Perhaps he subconsciously
wished to meet the vampire,
1102
01:28:49,542 --> 01:28:52,250
throttle him and shout,
1103
01:28:52,333 --> 01:28:58,292
"You are an impostor, taking supernatural
form to terrify the region!"
1104
01:28:58,375 --> 01:29:03,667
But the vampire seemed to want
to play a trick on Corneliu Cociu
1105
01:29:03,750 --> 01:29:05,875
by avoiding him.
1106
01:29:12,083 --> 01:29:14,125
Halt! Who goes there?
1107
01:29:19,083 --> 01:29:20,333
Stop or I shoot!
1108
01:29:21,292 --> 01:29:25,542
If you are a good man,
you will not be harmed.
1109
01:29:25,625 --> 01:29:29,375
I am hungry and cannot hold back!
1110
01:29:29,458 --> 01:29:32,875
All I ask for is three drops of blood!
1111
01:29:40,375 --> 01:29:41,583
Cheers.
1112
01:29:42,083 --> 01:29:46,542
Mayor, these vampire stories
have become a cock-and-bull story.
1113
01:29:46,625 --> 01:29:49,750
The gravekeeper's plight
shows they are no stories.
1114
01:29:49,833 --> 01:29:52,417
A damn drunkard!
He was hallucinating.
1115
01:29:52,500 --> 01:29:56,083
He fell asleep,
dreamed of fighting the vampire,
1116
01:29:56,167 --> 01:29:59,458
scratched his neck
and made up this story!
1117
01:29:59,542 --> 01:30:04,042
Devil, saint, bandit
or honest man, I don't care.
1118
01:30:04,125 --> 01:30:06,042
One thing I'm sure of,
1119
01:30:06,125 --> 01:30:11,583
as mayor, I will do everything
in my power to defeat the vampire.
1120
01:30:11,667 --> 01:30:15,417
If he's a devil, he is not
of this world and can't fight me.
1121
01:30:15,500 --> 01:30:17,042
Same if he's an angel.
1122
01:30:17,125 --> 01:30:20,750
But if he's human, so am I,
so let the strongest win!
1123
01:30:22,167 --> 01:30:24,125
Hello, Father!
1124
01:30:24,208 --> 01:30:26,000
God bless, my children.
1125
01:30:26,875 --> 01:30:29,083
What do you make of the vampire's attack?
1126
01:30:29,167 --> 01:30:31,625
There is no vampire!
1127
01:30:31,708 --> 01:30:36,292
It is a figment of the superstition
of people who have lost faith!
1128
01:30:36,375 --> 01:30:41,875
Sure, Father, but medicine says
wounds don't appear without a cause.
1129
01:30:41,958 --> 01:30:43,833
I fear nothing and no one.
1130
01:30:43,917 --> 01:30:47,250
While my conscience is clean,
no harm can come to me.
1131
01:30:47,333 --> 01:30:51,625
Yes, Mayor, those of pure
conscience have nothing to fear.
1132
01:30:51,708 --> 01:30:55,625
I believe this is a living being
speculating on popular belief.
1133
01:30:55,708 --> 01:30:57,083
Nonsense!
1134
01:30:57,167 --> 01:31:00,875
No one has seen this vampire,
and those who claim so
1135
01:31:00,958 --> 01:31:04,250
have built him out of hallucinations.
1136
01:31:04,333 --> 01:31:07,292
If I saw him,
I would welcome him with a bullet!
1137
01:31:07,375 --> 01:31:10,042
That would teach him to scare people.
1138
01:31:10,125 --> 01:31:11,542
You are mistaken.
1139
01:31:12,208 --> 01:31:14,167
It snowed large, heavy flakes.
1140
01:31:14,250 --> 01:31:17,875
Above the sky's ceiling,
the divine duvet-maker
1141
01:31:17,958 --> 01:31:19,750
was carding the wool of time.
1142
01:31:19,833 --> 01:31:23,417
The mountaintops,
obscured by the thick snow,
1143
01:31:23,500 --> 01:31:26,333
looked like towers reflected in a lake.
1144
01:31:26,417 --> 01:31:28,708
Like a gauze weaved of platinum,
1145
01:31:28,792 --> 01:31:33,583
cold blankets of snow
fell quietly, piling up tall.
1146
01:31:33,667 --> 01:31:38,583
The aged, now-white fir trees
were like chandeliers with snow candles
1147
01:31:38,667 --> 01:31:42,375
seemingly awaiting
Christmas and its gifts.
1148
01:31:44,667 --> 01:31:45,958
Who are you?
1149
01:31:48,417 --> 01:31:49,958
Are you the vampire?
1150
01:31:50,500 --> 01:31:53,000
If you are, I will shoot!
1151
01:31:53,083 --> 01:31:55,958
It would not hurt to try!
1152
01:31:58,000 --> 01:32:00,458
Will you not shoot?
1153
01:32:31,708 --> 01:32:34,042
Good morning, Herr Cociu.
1154
01:32:34,958 --> 01:32:36,667
How have you slept?
1155
01:32:37,542 --> 01:32:40,083
Herr Cociu, what is wrong?
1156
01:32:40,167 --> 01:32:42,125
Nothing, Herr Baron,
1157
01:32:42,208 --> 01:32:44,708
except I, too, have fallen to the vampire!
1158
01:32:45,500 --> 01:32:47,583
No, it cannot be.
1159
01:32:47,667 --> 01:32:50,500
Oh yes. I have met him in the wald .
1160
01:32:50,583 --> 01:32:52,667
He disarmed me, sucked me.
1161
01:32:52,750 --> 01:32:56,375
If it hadn't been for
the forest keeper, who knows?
1162
01:32:56,458 --> 01:32:58,250
See the wound as evidence.
1163
01:32:58,958 --> 01:33:01,208
Here, on my neck.
1164
01:33:01,292 --> 01:33:04,458
You've scratched your neck, my dear.
1165
01:33:04,542 --> 01:33:06,875
While you were dreaming of the vampire.
1166
01:33:07,458 --> 01:33:10,833
And if the forest keeper hadn't appeared,
1167
01:33:10,917 --> 01:33:15,250
you'd have slept in the snow
and caught the influenza!
1168
01:33:16,708 --> 01:33:20,208
Unless you would have died of exposure.
1169
01:33:20,292 --> 01:33:23,250
Herr Baron, I have seen the vampire!
1170
01:33:23,333 --> 01:33:26,125
I am not an uncultured seer of visions.
1171
01:33:26,208 --> 01:33:28,208
Allow me to contradict you.
1172
01:33:29,167 --> 01:33:33,458
It is intellectuals who
have the stronger imagination.
1173
01:33:33,542 --> 01:33:35,375
But vampires do exist.
1174
01:33:35,875 --> 01:33:40,333
I am now convinced of his
considerable supernatural powers.
1175
01:33:40,417 --> 01:33:42,958
I was under a mistaken impression.
1176
01:33:43,042 --> 01:33:44,875
But now that it has happened to me...
1177
01:33:45,875 --> 01:33:48,875
the matter has taken a different turn.
1178
01:33:48,958 --> 01:33:51,750
"A different turn", ja .
1179
01:33:52,917 --> 01:33:56,458
I am afraid of the vampire.
I always have been.
1180
01:33:56,542 --> 01:33:59,958
All my life in this castle
was spent under terror.
1181
01:34:00,042 --> 01:34:04,917
An exaggeration, Countess,
one that has made you lose hope.
1182
01:34:05,000 --> 01:34:07,417
The vampire is either
a joint mystification,
1183
01:34:07,500 --> 01:34:09,917
or a man-made forgery.
1184
01:34:10,583 --> 01:34:13,042
If the former is true, we are safe.
1185
01:34:13,125 --> 01:34:17,667
As for the second,
I will ferret out the false vampire!
1186
01:34:17,750 --> 01:34:20,083
The priest brought in by Baron Wirth,
1187
01:34:20,167 --> 01:34:23,917
though a firm believer
in spirits and vampires,
1188
01:34:24,000 --> 01:34:29,583
shows that prayer and good deeds
elevate man above evil powers.
1189
01:34:29,667 --> 01:34:31,917
- Has he never seen the vampire?
- No.
1190
01:34:32,000 --> 01:34:33,625
O tulips!
1191
01:34:35,458 --> 01:34:37,458
No, he fears the priest!
1192
01:34:37,542 --> 01:34:42,917
Even those close to the priest
have been kept safe from the vampire.
1193
01:34:43,417 --> 01:34:46,583
It's the divine power of a servant of God.
1194
01:34:46,667 --> 01:34:49,792
The gift believers are blessed with.
1195
01:34:49,875 --> 01:34:52,917
Pardon me, Countess,
but if I embraced that belief,
1196
01:34:53,042 --> 01:34:56,292
I would deeply betray science.
1197
01:34:56,375 --> 01:34:58,250
Science wants explanations.
1198
01:34:58,333 --> 01:35:02,292
The Father claims the vampire
is a spawn of darkness,
1199
01:35:02,375 --> 01:35:05,708
meant to punish sinners
for their loss of faith.
1200
01:35:05,792 --> 01:35:07,917
Then why has he visited you,
1201
01:35:08,000 --> 01:35:10,833
who are at peace with
your conscience and faith?
1202
01:35:10,917 --> 01:35:14,375
The Father says no human is without sin.
1203
01:35:14,458 --> 01:35:17,875
An odd thing to say.
The priest is human too.
1204
01:35:17,958 --> 01:35:22,458
So, by logical induction,
the vampire should persecute him too.
1205
01:35:22,542 --> 01:35:26,083
Even more so, since the priest
serves opposite interests.
1206
01:35:26,167 --> 01:35:31,208
The vampire is the Devil's ambassador,
the priest is God's messenger on Earth.
1207
01:35:31,292 --> 01:35:33,583
I must go. It is late.
1208
01:35:33,667 --> 01:35:36,417
The Countess held out her hand.
1209
01:35:36,500 --> 01:35:41,417
He kissed her delicate fingers
shivering coyly like frightened birds.
1210
01:35:49,458 --> 01:35:53,750
Countess Ermina, how glad I am
that you have stayed to pray!
1211
01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:56,125
Father...
1212
01:35:57,125 --> 01:36:00,167
I have given up
the thought of taking vows.
1213
01:36:00,250 --> 01:36:03,667
For a long time,
I thought I was meant for the convent.
1214
01:36:03,750 --> 01:36:07,375
Alone, with an uncle
who sees me as a burden,
1215
01:36:07,458 --> 01:36:10,917
forced to manage my fortune
by neglecting his,
1216
01:36:11,000 --> 01:36:14,375
denied the warmth of family affection,
1217
01:36:14,458 --> 01:36:19,500
abandoned by all,
powerless in a world full of evil,
1218
01:36:19,583 --> 01:36:22,750
I felt your advice was sound, Father.
1219
01:36:22,833 --> 01:36:27,583
To enter a monastery, sacrificing to God
my being, my youth, my fortune.
1220
01:36:27,667 --> 01:36:29,333
- But...
- Think, Countess.
1221
01:36:29,417 --> 01:36:32,375
This cursed region
is haunted by a vampire
1222
01:36:32,458 --> 01:36:35,250
who has only paused his pursuit of you
1223
01:36:35,333 --> 01:36:39,708
because God Almighty knows
how devoted you now are to Him.
1224
01:36:39,792 --> 01:36:42,542
Also think, Countess, of the locals
1225
01:36:42,625 --> 01:36:46,667
whom only you, through faith
and devotion to the church,
1226
01:36:46,750 --> 01:36:49,375
can save from the Devil's claws!
1227
01:36:49,458 --> 01:36:54,792
And why would you want
to reject God's protection?
1228
01:36:54,875 --> 01:36:59,958
You, who have not succumbed
to the immoral fashion of the day,
1229
01:37:00,583 --> 01:37:05,625
who do not smoke, nor wear
short hair and dresses, nor makeup.
1230
01:37:05,708 --> 01:37:07,458
I am in love, Father!
1231
01:37:26,042 --> 01:37:28,583
Such fairytale scenery!
1232
01:37:28,667 --> 01:37:32,083
One expects to see
Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf,
1233
01:37:32,167 --> 01:37:35,667
dragons and other fairytale creatures!
1234
01:37:35,750 --> 01:37:38,833
Clearly, you are
more used to city streets.
1235
01:37:56,583 --> 01:37:57,833
Halt!
1236
01:37:59,042 --> 01:38:01,167
Not one step further!
1237
01:38:01,250 --> 01:38:03,167
I'll teach you to play the vampire!
1238
01:38:06,583 --> 01:38:07,917
Mr Cociu!
1239
01:38:19,167 --> 01:38:20,833
Countess, I have hit him!
1240
01:38:20,917 --> 01:38:22,583
He bleeds warm blood!
1241
01:38:22,667 --> 01:38:25,792
- So...
- He is as human as us, Countess!
1242
01:38:25,875 --> 01:38:27,542
I'll get him yet!
1243
01:38:27,625 --> 01:38:31,000
Now let us resume our walk,
and I will rat out that vampire!
1244
01:38:31,500 --> 01:38:34,167
Utile et dulci, as Horatio said.
1245
01:38:45,542 --> 01:38:50,042
All the attacks reveal
a truth with the clarity of an axiom.
1246
01:38:50,125 --> 01:38:53,375
No vampire victim has been robbed.
1247
01:38:53,458 --> 01:38:57,167
So we are forced to draw this conclusion:
1248
01:38:57,250 --> 01:39:00,750
The motive of these acts
can only be revenge.
1249
01:39:00,833 --> 01:39:04,083
But could one man want
revenge against so many?
1250
01:39:04,167 --> 01:39:07,250
Were the two assaults on us
also motivated by revenge?
1251
01:39:07,333 --> 01:39:09,042
The one on me, for sure.
1252
01:39:09,125 --> 01:39:11,458
The vampire may think I am onto him
1253
01:39:11,542 --> 01:39:14,833
so he tried to push me
off the playing field,
1254
01:39:14,917 --> 01:39:17,542
or we may be about to ruin his plan.
1255
01:39:18,042 --> 01:39:21,792
In fact, the cariole that brought me here
1256
01:39:21,875 --> 01:39:24,292
rolled over by the stream.
1257
01:39:24,375 --> 01:39:28,125
But Dr Geza Vendelin said
the merchant's death was an accident.
1258
01:39:28,208 --> 01:39:29,708
A huge idiot!
1259
01:39:30,208 --> 01:39:32,167
Then the manager of the Anina mines
1260
01:39:32,250 --> 01:39:34,500
was found with the same cut on his throat,
1261
01:39:34,583 --> 01:39:36,500
then you were assaulted...
1262
01:39:41,125 --> 01:39:44,667
Corneliu and Ermina continued
their walk in the mountains.
1263
01:39:44,750 --> 01:39:49,542
Ahead they could faintly
see the lights of Sommerfrische,
1264
01:39:49,625 --> 01:39:51,833
while left and right of the meadow
1265
01:39:51,917 --> 01:39:54,583
moonlight revealed multitudes of animals
1266
01:39:54,667 --> 01:39:57,458
wooing in the virginal surroundings.
1267
01:39:58,583 --> 01:40:01,667
Later they descended into a summer garden,
1268
01:40:01,750 --> 01:40:05,792
where they spent a while in a bush,
like two timid lovers.
1269
01:40:33,250 --> 01:40:35,500
There you were, Herr Cociu!
1270
01:40:35,583 --> 01:40:37,208
Jawohl, Herr Baron.
1271
01:40:37,833 --> 01:40:41,000
- What are you doing here?
- Checking for vampire traces.
1272
01:40:42,708 --> 01:40:44,167
Vampire traces?
1273
01:40:46,750 --> 01:40:50,833
Forgive me,
but I see you, too, are a victim.
1274
01:40:51,375 --> 01:40:54,542
This is a case of
contagious mass self-delusion,
1275
01:40:54,625 --> 01:40:57,500
you have begun to fear the vampire!
1276
01:40:58,542 --> 01:41:01,292
- You are not afraid, Herr Baron?
- No.
1277
01:41:02,125 --> 01:41:05,542
I am aware all these crimes
have been committed by a human!
1278
01:41:05,625 --> 01:41:08,083
Then why has he not been caught?
1279
01:41:09,375 --> 01:41:12,750
Because an intelligent criminal
is hard to catch,
1280
01:41:12,833 --> 01:41:14,708
when he works with no accomplices.
1281
01:41:14,792 --> 01:41:18,292
Only the mediocre fall
into the hands of the police.
1282
01:41:18,375 --> 01:41:23,708
At any rate,
this is a highly intelligent man,
1283
01:41:24,250 --> 01:41:29,125
who remains beyond suspicion
and is confident of his position here.
1284
01:41:29,208 --> 01:41:32,833
Entschuldigung, but I shall
accompany the Countess for a walk.
1285
01:41:32,917 --> 01:41:34,583
- Countess!
- Herr Cociu!
1286
01:41:37,000 --> 01:41:38,417
Pardon me.
1287
01:41:47,125 --> 01:41:48,208
What a surprise!
1288
01:41:48,292 --> 01:41:50,958
I would like to ask, Mr Cociu,
1289
01:41:51,500 --> 01:41:53,292
what do you feel for me?
1290
01:41:53,792 --> 01:41:57,042
- Well...
- Let me tell you what I feel for you.
1291
01:41:57,125 --> 01:41:59,375
I know what you want to say, Countess.
1292
01:41:59,458 --> 01:42:02,458
A certain diffuse palpitation,
1293
01:42:02,542 --> 01:42:06,083
a mysterious shiver,
sometimes, beyond your will.
1294
01:42:06,167 --> 01:42:08,208
I feel the same, Countess,
1295
01:42:08,292 --> 01:42:10,958
and I will tell you sincerely,
since you ask,
1296
01:42:11,042 --> 01:42:12,667
that I have felt it for a long time.
1297
01:42:14,417 --> 01:42:18,000
As long as my suffering
at not daring to confess it.
1298
01:42:18,708 --> 01:42:24,167
Human souls may have
the same structure, but different clothes.
1299
01:42:24,250 --> 01:42:28,583
A minstrel's soul can be
as grand as that of a king,
1300
01:42:28,667 --> 01:42:31,583
but the latter wears royal purple.
1301
01:42:32,458 --> 01:42:35,750
Had you not brought it up,
1302
01:42:36,625 --> 01:42:38,833
my soul may never have dared,
1303
01:42:39,417 --> 01:42:43,583
through its physical garb,
to utter such confessions.
1304
01:42:44,500 --> 01:42:46,583
What do I feel by your side?
1305
01:42:47,083 --> 01:42:50,208
An abundant, divine paradise!
1306
01:42:50,292 --> 01:42:54,500
You are the one light my soul
sees in its grotto of despair!
1307
01:42:55,000 --> 01:42:57,625
And this... is love?
1308
01:42:57,708 --> 01:42:58,750
Yes!
1309
01:42:58,833 --> 01:43:01,750
But our social standing is different.
1310
01:43:02,250 --> 01:43:06,500
What does social standing have
to do with my soul's needs?
1311
01:43:07,125 --> 01:43:09,458
What we feel is the same.
1312
01:43:10,125 --> 01:43:11,917
To feel is to want,
1313
01:43:12,000 --> 01:43:13,667
and to want is to be!
1314
01:43:13,792 --> 01:43:15,167
Schopenhauer!
1315
01:43:15,250 --> 01:43:19,167
The sun had hidden behind
a mountain when the two youth,
1316
01:43:19,250 --> 01:43:21,583
reaching a cold stream,
1317
01:43:21,667 --> 01:43:25,625
plunged their hands in
the ice-cold, crystal-clear water.
1318
01:43:25,708 --> 01:43:30,458
Splashing around misty drops
as heralds of good fortune,
1319
01:43:30,542 --> 01:43:33,208
wet hands touching each other's shoulders,
1320
01:43:33,292 --> 01:43:38,250
they sealed with a first kiss
their unsuspected spiritual bond.
1321
01:43:45,875 --> 01:43:47,042
Ermina...
1322
01:43:47,125 --> 01:43:48,625
Mr Cociu!
1323
01:43:49,208 --> 01:43:51,458
The innkeeper has been attacked!
1324
01:43:56,125 --> 01:43:58,417
What happened? Pardon me.
1325
01:44:00,250 --> 01:44:04,292
- I can't!
- You have to speak, so we can help.
1326
01:44:06,333 --> 01:44:08,667
I had just finished work last night...
1327
01:44:12,958 --> 01:44:14,042
Who is it?
1328
01:44:14,125 --> 01:44:15,667
A poor traveler.
1329
01:44:16,250 --> 01:44:20,833
On the way from Oravița,
my cariole's axle broke.
1330
01:44:20,917 --> 01:44:22,792
I seek a little rest.
1331
01:44:27,625 --> 01:44:29,500
Please, take a seat.
1332
01:44:30,000 --> 01:44:32,875
I am not used to eating alone.
1333
01:44:32,958 --> 01:44:36,583
I would appreciate if
we could toast together.
1334
01:44:39,375 --> 01:44:43,125
I regret having to leave
these beautiful lands,
1335
01:44:44,042 --> 01:44:47,167
but I have heard of a vampire
1336
01:44:47,250 --> 01:44:49,583
terrorising die alle Regionen !
1337
01:44:49,667 --> 01:44:51,375
Nonsense, Sir!
1338
01:44:51,958 --> 01:44:54,375
The vampire is nothing but an illusion.
1339
01:44:55,500 --> 01:44:58,292
So you do not believe in the vampire?
1340
01:44:59,458 --> 01:45:01,458
I believe in my money and work.
1341
01:45:01,542 --> 01:45:03,708
Vampires might exist,
1342
01:45:04,458 --> 01:45:06,708
but they can't have
anything to do with me.
1343
01:45:06,792 --> 01:45:08,917
To hell with that vampire!
1344
01:45:09,000 --> 01:45:12,417
Everywhere you turn,
it's all "the vampire, the vampire!"
1345
01:45:12,500 --> 01:45:15,917
We're the laugh of the region,
may he be struck dead!
1346
01:45:19,250 --> 01:45:20,500
I have a suspicion.
1347
01:45:21,250 --> 01:45:23,542
It's either Baron Wirth, or the priest.
1348
01:45:24,667 --> 01:45:29,958
For shame, Sir,
how can you imagine an aristocrat,
1349
01:45:30,042 --> 01:45:34,667
or the upholder
of faith in the Lord our God,
1350
01:45:34,750 --> 01:45:37,042
lowering themselves to such crime!
1351
01:45:37,125 --> 01:45:38,542
Dear Sir,
1352
01:45:39,125 --> 01:45:41,958
priests are privileged from birth.
1353
01:45:42,583 --> 01:45:45,250
Their studies are paid by the state,
1354
01:45:45,333 --> 01:45:49,167
and if he sleeps with a woman,
like us normal folk do,
1355
01:45:49,250 --> 01:45:52,583
the state has to give him a parish!
1356
01:45:52,667 --> 01:45:54,750
I didn't get my inn for free!
1357
01:45:55,333 --> 01:45:57,667
That's what makes him holy.
1358
01:45:57,750 --> 01:46:03,125
So pardon me if I have
little faith in my fellow men,
1359
01:46:03,208 --> 01:46:04,583
priests or not.
1360
01:46:04,667 --> 01:46:06,667
You don't believe in priests,
1361
01:46:06,750 --> 01:46:09,000
and you are truly not
afraid of the vampires?
1362
01:46:10,000 --> 01:46:12,000
You are mistaken, friend.
1363
01:46:13,583 --> 01:46:16,042
I fear you might call for me tonight,
1364
01:46:16,583 --> 01:46:18,333
asking for help.
1365
01:46:43,542 --> 01:46:46,583
Poor quality meat!
Such rotten fodder!
1366
01:46:46,667 --> 01:46:49,667
Such disgusting chaff! A pox on you!
1367
01:47:04,708 --> 01:47:06,542
Who are you, what do you want?
1368
01:47:06,625 --> 01:47:08,458
I am the vampire,
1369
01:47:08,542 --> 01:47:11,250
whose existenz you doubted!
1370
01:47:11,792 --> 01:47:16,125
Right now, no priest
und no religion can save you!
1371
01:47:16,208 --> 01:47:19,167
Priests are only good
1372
01:47:19,250 --> 01:47:24,208
when no power greater
than religion stands in their way.
1373
01:47:24,333 --> 01:47:26,958
But may the world's patriarchs forgive us,
1374
01:47:27,042 --> 01:47:33,417
we, too, have our times,
when they und God himself are asleep!
1375
01:47:33,500 --> 01:47:35,542
Forgive me, I've done you no harm!
1376
01:47:36,500 --> 01:47:39,083
Keep your mouth in check!
1377
01:47:39,167 --> 01:47:40,667
You talk too much!
1378
01:47:40,750 --> 01:47:48,000
The vampire is beyond human ken
und beyond human talk!
1379
01:47:51,042 --> 01:47:53,375
That's all I remember.
1380
01:47:53,458 --> 01:47:57,250
I came to my senses
with a bite on my neck,
1381
01:47:58,042 --> 01:48:00,625
faint from blood loss!
1382
01:48:04,458 --> 01:48:07,125
Mr Cociu, Baron Wirth sends me.
1383
01:48:07,208 --> 01:48:09,458
- Disaster has struck!
- What?
1384
01:48:09,542 --> 01:48:11,417
Countess Ermina is missing.
1385
01:48:12,792 --> 01:48:16,167
- For how long?
- She was not in her chamber this morning.
1386
01:48:16,250 --> 01:48:17,833
Her bed was untouched.
1387
01:48:17,917 --> 01:48:21,542
My soul is heavy with foreboding.
1388
01:48:22,042 --> 01:48:25,750
Never mind foreboding,
what we need is action!
1389
01:48:25,833 --> 01:48:28,292
It's the vampire, Mr Cociu!
1390
01:48:28,375 --> 01:48:30,583
Quiet, you lowlife serf!
1391
01:48:43,750 --> 01:48:47,333
Nothing unusual, save for
this chloroform-imbibed pad.
1392
01:48:47,458 --> 01:48:50,167
- Chloroform?
- This is a human's doing!
1393
01:48:50,250 --> 01:48:53,375
I've never heard of
vampires using chloroform.
1394
01:48:53,458 --> 01:48:55,708
It's the vampire, Mr Cociu.
I'm scared.
1395
01:48:55,792 --> 01:48:57,417
Quiet, simpleton!
1396
01:48:57,500 --> 01:49:02,167
All I see here is
drugging and abduction.
1397
01:49:03,417 --> 01:49:04,583
Ermina!
1398
01:49:06,208 --> 01:49:07,917
"Do not search for me.
1399
01:49:09,083 --> 01:49:12,792
"Through my conversations
with this wonderful priest,
1400
01:49:12,875 --> 01:49:17,708
"I have become deeply
convinced of my mission.
1401
01:49:17,792 --> 01:49:20,000
"I will take vows in a monastery."
1402
01:49:20,083 --> 01:49:21,292
In a monastery?
1403
01:49:21,375 --> 01:49:22,708
Read it!
1404
01:49:24,083 --> 01:49:28,083
"I must renounce worldly life
to banish the evil spirits
1405
01:49:28,167 --> 01:49:30,875
"trying to conquer my soul.
1406
01:49:30,958 --> 01:49:32,375
"I am a cursed woman!
1407
01:49:33,208 --> 01:49:38,458
"Mine is an ancestral curse,
which I must keep away from my family.
1408
01:49:38,542 --> 01:49:42,917
"Monastery life is not a sacrifice.
I go there gladly, Ermina."
1409
01:49:43,000 --> 01:49:44,500
Gross forgery!
1410
01:49:44,583 --> 01:49:46,500
No. That is her handwriting.
1411
01:49:47,833 --> 01:49:52,875
For a noble, beautiful maiden,
monastery life is a great sacrifice!
1412
01:49:52,958 --> 01:49:56,667
I fail to see your point.
All Christians live for the Church.
1413
01:49:56,750 --> 01:50:00,292
This is a complete
renunciation of worldly pleasures,
1414
01:50:00,375 --> 01:50:02,292
what the Countess is doing.
1415
01:50:02,375 --> 01:50:04,375
This news makes me glad, son.
1416
01:50:04,458 --> 01:50:06,292
But she is an unfortunate soul!
1417
01:50:06,375 --> 01:50:10,958
The Baron thinks his niece is insane,
and will take measures as her guardian.
1418
01:50:11,042 --> 01:50:14,208
What measures can the Baron take?
1419
01:50:15,208 --> 01:50:18,042
Does he think to fight God?
1420
01:50:18,125 --> 01:50:21,000
Does he want the region
to be laid waste by plague?
1421
01:50:21,583 --> 01:50:24,750
Isn't the vampire tormenting us enough?
1422
01:50:24,833 --> 01:50:26,958
Does he seek more grief?
1423
01:50:27,542 --> 01:50:30,583
In that case, let him fight God!
1424
01:50:30,667 --> 01:50:32,958
That's why I come, Father.
1425
01:50:33,042 --> 01:50:36,208
To ask you, in your wisdom,
to help find the Countess
1426
01:50:36,292 --> 01:50:38,125
and serve as mediator.
1427
01:50:38,208 --> 01:50:39,667
Find another believer!
1428
01:50:39,750 --> 01:50:43,833
Our frail Countess has no more blood
to give to this exaggerated faith!
1429
01:50:44,375 --> 01:50:46,833
By what right do you intervene?
1430
01:50:47,458 --> 01:50:49,417
Are you of the Countess' family?
1431
01:50:50,083 --> 01:50:53,875
The Church has taken her under its shield!
1432
01:50:53,958 --> 01:50:56,500
It is not her I defend, Father, it is you.
1433
01:50:56,583 --> 01:51:02,083
The Baron suspects you influenced her
and wants to bring in another priest.
1434
01:51:05,667 --> 01:51:07,583
Mister... Cociu.
1435
01:51:10,250 --> 01:51:11,500
Bless you.
1436
01:51:11,583 --> 01:51:16,042
Has anyone sent you here
to tell me these things?
1437
01:51:16,125 --> 01:51:18,917
Or do you dare speak so
of your own accord?
1438
01:51:19,000 --> 01:51:20,583
I will dare even more.
1439
01:51:20,667 --> 01:51:23,750
I myself ask you to find the girl
1440
01:51:23,833 --> 01:51:27,583
and bring her home,
or you will see the Devil, Father!
1441
01:51:27,667 --> 01:51:28,750
I guarantee it!
1442
01:51:28,833 --> 01:51:32,833
Once again, by what right
do you speak to me this way?
1443
01:51:32,917 --> 01:51:37,458
The right of my love
for this girl and holy justice!
1444
01:51:42,958 --> 01:51:44,167
I see that...
1445
01:51:45,500 --> 01:51:48,000
you speak of love, Mr Cociu.
1446
01:51:49,125 --> 01:51:52,167
Have you wondered if
the Countess loves you too?
1447
01:51:53,208 --> 01:51:57,083
If she does not,
you are scaring the fish in vain.
1448
01:51:57,167 --> 01:52:00,583
You know what, Father,
I will visit you more often,
1449
01:52:00,667 --> 01:52:03,000
to learn your art of fascination,
1450
01:52:03,083 --> 01:52:08,125
so she loves me as you made her
fall in love with your Church!
1451
01:52:08,208 --> 01:52:10,250
I do not have the honour!
1452
01:52:14,708 --> 01:52:18,958
Torpid sadness had
overwhelmed Corneliu Cociu's soul.
1453
01:52:19,042 --> 01:52:22,542
His life, he thought,
was one great misfortune.
1454
01:52:22,625 --> 01:52:25,500
Only once had fate seemed to favour him
1455
01:52:25,583 --> 01:52:29,583
but now he saw that even
that sliver of good fortune
1456
01:52:29,667 --> 01:52:33,542
had only invited all of this misery.
1457
01:52:33,625 --> 01:52:36,250
The endless chasm
in his soul grew and grew.
1458
01:52:36,333 --> 01:52:38,625
Once, only once...
1459
01:52:38,708 --> 01:52:40,375
He thought,
1460
01:52:40,458 --> 01:52:45,542
...it appeared I could stop fighting,
live at peace with the whole world.
1461
01:53:20,042 --> 01:53:21,958
You are alive still?
1462
01:53:22,042 --> 01:53:28,083
I am, and will not die
until I trample the soil on your grave!
1463
01:53:28,708 --> 01:53:30,083
What do you want?
1464
01:53:30,167 --> 01:53:33,000
You idle spawn, I will make you
1465
01:53:33,083 --> 01:53:37,208
serve a cause more worthy than your life!
1466
01:53:37,292 --> 01:53:41,500
With body und soul,
you will be bound to me.
1467
01:53:41,583 --> 01:53:44,125
You must do as I command!
1468
01:53:44,208 --> 01:53:45,208
Ermina!
1469
01:53:45,292 --> 01:53:46,667
Yes, master.
1470
01:53:46,750 --> 01:53:49,750
Show me how you love me.
1471
01:53:51,167 --> 01:53:53,042
Let her be, scum!
1472
01:53:54,333 --> 01:53:56,833
And you, prepare for death!
1473
01:53:56,917 --> 01:54:01,083
I am prepared, since
you have made me defenseless!
1474
01:54:03,000 --> 01:54:06,375
Is that how you speak to an archangel?
1475
01:54:06,458 --> 01:54:08,958
You, an archangel?
Then I can be one tomorrow!
1476
01:54:09,042 --> 01:54:11,667
Tomorrow you shall be in the grave!
1477
01:54:11,750 --> 01:54:13,625
Why do you have against me?
1478
01:54:14,583 --> 01:54:16,750
You must die, for you know too much.
1479
01:54:16,833 --> 01:54:19,667
You have interfered in my business.
1480
01:54:19,750 --> 01:54:23,833
Until you came, I was undisturbed,
1481
01:54:23,917 --> 01:54:27,125
und no one stood against me!
1482
01:54:27,208 --> 01:54:31,333
- You are the vampire?
- Yes, I am the vampire!
1483
01:54:31,417 --> 01:54:33,917
Had enough, my little friend?
1484
01:54:35,583 --> 01:54:37,917
You should not have angered me!
1485
01:54:38,000 --> 01:54:41,000
It is not allowed for a weak mortal
1486
01:54:41,083 --> 01:54:44,417
to meddle with supernatural powers.
1487
01:54:44,500 --> 01:54:46,375
You bastard! Ermina!
1488
01:54:46,458 --> 01:54:48,750
I am a demigod!
1489
01:54:48,833 --> 01:54:52,958
I would have been content
to become superhuman.
1490
01:54:53,042 --> 01:54:58,875
But, unable to do so,
I must now create a higher species.
1491
01:54:58,958 --> 01:55:04,083
But God, who only
supports wretched humans,
1492
01:55:04,708 --> 01:55:08,042
has entered a conflict with Belzebuth!
1493
01:55:08,125 --> 01:55:12,208
After a long struggle,
Hell has defeated God.
1494
01:55:12,292 --> 01:55:16,792
So instead of being
sent by God to do good,
1495
01:55:16,875 --> 01:55:22,458
I am merely Belzebuth's
harbinger of evil und revenge!
1496
01:55:22,542 --> 01:55:26,917
I will have you know
that God is powerless now,
1497
01:55:27,000 --> 01:55:32,042
and nothing can stand
against the will of Hell!
1498
01:55:32,125 --> 01:55:36,708
My plan has been
to bring terror to this land,
1499
01:55:36,792 --> 01:55:38,083
and I have succeeded,
1500
01:55:38,167 --> 01:55:41,750
by using the locals'
superstition und cowardice
1501
01:55:41,833 --> 01:55:43,583
und killing a few!
1502
01:55:43,667 --> 01:55:47,542
I have succeeded,
I am master of this land!
1503
01:55:48,042 --> 01:55:51,917
I direct the fates of all,
1504
01:55:52,000 --> 01:55:55,500
I, the envoy of Belzebuth!
1505
01:55:55,583 --> 01:55:58,125
I, the archangel of evil,
1506
01:55:58,208 --> 01:56:03,833
I, the great maestro of
murder und terrorundrevenge!
1507
01:56:03,917 --> 01:56:07,625
I, who want to set mankind straight,
1508
01:56:07,708 --> 01:56:12,792
guiding it to a new religion,
that of Belzebuth!
1509
01:56:47,167 --> 01:56:51,708
Bel-ze-buth!
1510
01:57:08,250 --> 01:57:10,750
Oh my, what am I doing here?
1511
01:57:10,833 --> 01:57:13,375
You have been
hypnotised by this bastard!
1512
01:57:20,833 --> 01:57:22,500
The priest!
1513
01:57:22,583 --> 01:57:24,458
Rest in peace, Father.
1514
01:57:30,292 --> 01:57:34,542
How will you answer
on Judgment Day for killing a poor priest?
1515
01:57:34,625 --> 01:57:36,917
I take all responsibility for eternity
1516
01:57:37,000 --> 01:57:42,208
for killing one who killed
so many of his peers!
1517
01:57:42,292 --> 01:57:48,292
I saved the soul of Ermina of Kollovrat
whom I love beyond words,
1518
01:57:48,375 --> 01:57:50,750
and I saved her great fortune!
1519
01:57:51,875 --> 01:57:54,542
I love you, Mister Cociu!
1520
01:58:17,292 --> 01:58:18,542
OK!
1521
01:58:18,625 --> 01:58:21,958
That idiot Cociu
looks an awful lot like me.
1522
01:58:22,042 --> 01:58:24,125
But it was a bit heteronormative.
1523
01:58:24,208 --> 01:58:28,917
What about some
lesbo cunt-biting vampiresses?
1524
01:58:29,000 --> 01:58:33,000
I lack the necessary upgrade.
I was built for the Eastern Europe market.
1525
01:58:33,083 --> 01:58:35,458
OK, but you could have put in
1526
01:58:35,542 --> 01:58:40,042
Romanian Fascists,
anti-Semites, Nae Ionescu...
1527
01:58:40,125 --> 01:58:44,083
- Trump and Elon would be angry.
- Fine then.
1528
01:58:44,875 --> 01:58:47,458
Now, back to my story.
1529
01:58:49,750 --> 01:58:52,125
- Look!
- The fuckers!
1530
01:58:52,208 --> 01:58:54,167
Kill him!
1531
01:59:15,583 --> 01:59:17,958
Uncle Sandu, Vampira, wait!
1532
01:59:22,667 --> 01:59:24,250
I will do it.
1533
01:59:24,333 --> 01:59:27,458
Ich will, as that fucking
Rammstein rapist says.
1534
01:59:32,792 --> 01:59:34,708
Fuck you, vampire!
1535
01:59:34,792 --> 01:59:36,708
I'll fucking kill you!
1536
01:59:36,792 --> 01:59:39,625
Sounds like they want
to kill you for real.
1537
01:59:42,458 --> 01:59:43,750
Apparently.
1538
01:59:44,333 --> 01:59:48,083
The bastards.
Acting all Christian and pious.
1539
01:59:48,583 --> 01:59:50,500
Not the Japanese guy, I mean the rest.
1540
01:59:59,000 --> 02:00:02,208
There's this joke about two tourists
1541
02:00:03,000 --> 02:00:04,958
meeting a bear in the forest.
1542
02:00:05,458 --> 02:00:08,125
One puts on his running shoes,
1543
02:00:08,208 --> 02:00:12,583
the other asks if he really
thinks he can outrun the bear.
1544
02:00:13,750 --> 02:00:18,125
"No," the guy answers,
"I only need to outrun you!"
1545
02:00:19,875 --> 02:00:21,042
Funny.
1546
02:00:27,375 --> 02:00:29,542
We'll catch him soon, love.
1547
02:00:29,625 --> 02:00:32,292
Didn't you want to
stake him through the heart?
1548
02:00:32,375 --> 02:00:34,917
- I'm too tired!
- I'll pass out!
1549
02:00:35,000 --> 02:00:37,542
Then we'll take you
to the hotel and come back.
1550
02:00:37,625 --> 02:00:40,000
- I'm scared.
- Scared of what?
1551
02:00:40,083 --> 02:00:41,708
The vampire.
1552
02:00:41,792 --> 02:00:45,750
- Then let's butcher the bastard!
- I can't run anymore!
1553
02:00:45,833 --> 02:00:49,042
I'm dead tired, can't we do it tomorrow?
1554
02:00:49,125 --> 02:00:53,708
By tomorrow he'll escape.
Let's go!
1555
02:00:56,458 --> 02:00:58,292
Let's kill the vampire.
1556
02:00:58,375 --> 02:01:01,583
FUTURE SITE OF DRACULA PARK
1557
02:01:01,667 --> 02:01:03,167
What's this?
1558
02:01:03,875 --> 02:01:05,375
Where did it come from?
1559
02:01:06,000 --> 02:01:08,042
It was a scam.
1560
02:01:09,083 --> 02:01:10,125
I'll show you.
1561
02:01:11,708 --> 02:01:15,708
A BandB under construction
and a non-functional web page
1562
02:01:15,792 --> 02:01:20,708
are all that's left of Dracula Park,
a mammoth 30-million-dollar project
1563
02:01:20,792 --> 02:01:23,875
begun by the Romanian government in 2001.
1564
02:01:23,958 --> 02:01:28,167
It was meant to be Romania's
most spectacular entertainment facility.
1565
02:01:28,250 --> 02:01:32,375
Over 13,000 Romanians still
don't know where their money went
1566
02:01:32,458 --> 02:01:35,208
after they bought
Dracula Park shares in 2001.
1567
02:01:35,292 --> 02:01:38,875
I was at the Berlin Travel Fair and stuff.
1568
02:01:38,958 --> 02:01:40,417
When?
1569
02:01:40,500 --> 02:01:42,542
The Berlin Travel Fair?
1570
02:01:42,625 --> 02:01:44,167
A few years ago.
1571
02:01:44,875 --> 02:01:50,042
I was there when the government
presented this Dracula Park scam.
1572
02:01:50,917 --> 02:01:53,458
People bought shares,
1573
02:01:53,542 --> 02:01:57,417
then, surprise, it didn't get built
and they didn't get their money back.
1574
02:01:57,500 --> 02:02:00,292
They got ass-fucked and robbed too.
1575
02:02:02,583 --> 02:02:04,792
So how was the launch?
1576
02:02:04,875 --> 02:02:06,458
No big deal.
1577
02:02:06,542 --> 02:02:09,583
We waited in coffins,
me and a lecherous old actor.
1578
02:02:09,667 --> 02:02:11,417
- Kind of like you.
- Stop it!
1579
02:02:11,500 --> 02:02:15,833
From time to time,
we jumped out and yelled at people,
1580
02:02:15,917 --> 02:02:18,333
"Invest in Dracula Park!"
1581
02:02:20,667 --> 02:02:24,458
In Berlin, though, we screwed up big time.
1582
02:02:24,542 --> 02:02:28,542
They wanted a banner
reading "Dracula's Capital City"
1583
02:02:28,625 --> 02:02:31,042
and they wrote "Das Kapital",
1584
02:02:31,125 --> 02:02:33,875
like Marx's Capital .
1585
02:02:35,958 --> 02:02:37,458
It works, though.
1586
02:02:37,542 --> 02:02:39,500
You know what Marx said?
1587
02:02:40,417 --> 02:02:43,500
"Capital is dead labour
1588
02:02:43,583 --> 02:02:48,458
"which, vampire-like,
lives only by sucking living labour,
1589
02:02:48,542 --> 02:02:51,625
"and lives the more,
the more labour it sucks."
1590
02:02:51,708 --> 02:02:53,167
Kind of like me.
1591
02:02:54,292 --> 02:02:57,625
I don't want this
capitalist equals vampire cliché
1592
02:02:57,708 --> 02:03:01,417
to get waved around by spectators,
particularly intellectuals,
1593
02:03:01,500 --> 02:03:05,583
who think if they've read
some Marx and Franco Moretti
1594
02:03:05,667 --> 02:03:10,042
they're qualified to tout
those ideas like they invented them.
1595
02:03:10,125 --> 02:03:13,375
Like the one about Frankenstein's monster
1596
02:03:13,458 --> 02:03:16,667
being the working class
created by the bourgeoisie.
1597
02:03:17,458 --> 02:03:21,000
So let's create a cool digression
1598
02:03:21,083 --> 02:03:24,875
about Dracula, the greedy capitalist.
1599
02:03:30,333 --> 02:03:35,083
SITE OF THE 1933 ANTI-IMPERIALIST STRIKE
1600
02:03:35,167 --> 02:03:37,125
This was a train carriage factory.
1601
02:03:38,083 --> 02:03:39,250
It went bankrupt.
1602
02:03:39,750 --> 02:03:44,167
In 1933, there was a famous strike here.
1603
02:03:44,250 --> 02:03:45,792
The police shot at strikers.
1604
02:03:46,750 --> 02:03:50,958
- On orders from the Liberal government.
- Good! Lazy bastards!
1605
02:03:51,042 --> 02:03:52,500
I think so too.
1606
02:03:52,583 --> 02:03:55,125
It seems the strike was backed
by the USSR.
1607
02:03:55,208 --> 02:03:56,917
More the reason to!
1608
02:03:57,708 --> 02:04:01,708
The company I'm selling
deals in video games.
1609
02:04:01,792 --> 02:04:03,958
You know, the whole Grail madness.
1610
02:04:04,042 --> 02:04:05,792
No, I don't.
1611
02:04:05,875 --> 02:04:07,375
This international game,
1612
02:04:07,458 --> 02:04:10,125
you spend a lot of time
online looking for the Grail
1613
02:04:10,208 --> 02:04:13,750
and you get loot, like swords and stuff.
1614
02:04:14,500 --> 02:04:20,208
Our company sells
online time and gained tokens.
1615
02:04:20,292 --> 02:04:23,208
And the finder of The Grail
will get 100 million.
1616
02:04:23,292 --> 02:04:24,833
Dollars, not lei.
1617
02:04:26,542 --> 02:04:29,083
I still don't get what you do.
1618
02:04:29,167 --> 02:04:35,167
Say an American wants
to get to level 2 in the game.
1619
02:04:35,250 --> 02:04:38,792
Even two months of game time
might not be enough.
1620
02:04:39,292 --> 02:04:44,542
An employee plays,
then we sell the account to the American.
1621
02:04:44,625 --> 02:04:48,500
So he can start directly from
level 2 or 3, the max being 100.
1622
02:04:49,833 --> 02:04:53,000
- So you pay them to play!
- Exactly.
1623
02:04:53,083 --> 02:04:56,667
It's exasperating,
they just play, and they're not happy!
1624
02:04:57,250 --> 02:04:58,375
Lazy asses.
1625
02:04:58,458 --> 02:04:59,792
May I ask something?
1626
02:05:01,292 --> 02:05:05,292
The famous striker in 1933
who rang the alarm siren,
1627
02:05:05,375 --> 02:05:10,792
did he grab the siren
by the tail or by the tits?
1628
02:05:10,875 --> 02:05:12,167
Ha-ha, funny.
1629
02:05:12,250 --> 02:05:15,333
I'll teach those employees what's what!
1630
02:05:15,417 --> 02:05:17,167
I'll show them stimulation!
1631
02:05:20,250 --> 02:05:22,458
I want to demonstrate
1632
02:05:22,542 --> 02:05:26,667
that this Romanian DNA
is not set in stone,
1633
02:05:27,583 --> 02:05:28,875
it can be changed.
1634
02:05:29,542 --> 02:05:33,208
We know our Romanian habits.
I want to change you.
1635
02:05:33,958 --> 02:05:35,542
For the better!
1636
02:05:35,625 --> 02:05:38,083
We do overtime today
1637
02:05:38,167 --> 02:05:42,500
not just to optimise
the company profits,
1638
02:05:43,000 --> 02:05:45,667
but also to become better people,
1639
02:05:46,542 --> 02:05:48,125
stronger,
1640
02:05:48,208 --> 02:05:49,750
through work.
1641
02:05:50,667 --> 02:05:53,000
Per aspera ad astra!
1642
02:05:55,250 --> 02:05:58,458
Marshall Antonescu used to say,
1643
02:06:00,667 --> 02:06:01,958
with sadness...
1644
02:06:06,708 --> 02:06:08,250
With sadness he said,
1645
02:06:09,625 --> 02:06:13,333
"Everyone steals!
A country of thieves."
1646
02:06:15,292 --> 02:06:16,500
He said:
1647
02:06:16,583 --> 02:06:23,292
"What terrible state of disarray
in our School, our Family, our Church."
1648
02:06:27,250 --> 02:06:28,833
Dear employees,
1649
02:06:29,417 --> 02:06:31,542
I would like to know you better.
1650
02:06:31,625 --> 02:06:35,500
I have a book here,
De Humana Physiognomia,
1651
02:06:35,583 --> 02:06:40,083
by Giambatista Della Porta,
published in 1586.
1652
02:06:40,167 --> 02:06:46,250
This original edition belonged
to my friend Umberto Eco.
1653
02:06:47,167 --> 02:06:50,333
Giambatista Della Porta discovered
1654
02:06:50,417 --> 02:06:56,042
that people have the same character
as the animals they resemble.
1655
02:06:57,625 --> 02:06:59,542
Where's the robot?
1656
02:06:59,625 --> 02:07:01,167
Get over here!
1657
02:07:02,125 --> 02:07:06,583
Stand here and project
these pictures onto the wall.
1658
02:07:06,667 --> 02:07:10,125
Let's take the brown-looking
young man there.
1659
02:07:10,208 --> 02:07:11,542
Young man.
1660
02:07:11,625 --> 02:07:13,292
Vasile.
1661
02:07:13,375 --> 02:07:16,042
See, Vasile looks like...
1662
02:07:18,333 --> 02:07:19,333
This one!
1663
02:07:23,667 --> 02:07:27,000
I don't look like that donkey!
1664
02:07:27,083 --> 02:07:29,625
Quite true. He looks more like this one.
1665
02:07:36,125 --> 02:07:38,250
What's your name, Headscarf Girl?
1666
02:07:38,333 --> 02:07:39,625
Ana.
1667
02:07:39,708 --> 02:07:42,417
Ana, you look like...
1668
02:07:42,917 --> 02:07:44,208
This one!
1669
02:07:49,000 --> 02:07:51,417
- Not at all.
- You don't like it?
1670
02:07:51,500 --> 02:07:53,708
I just don't look like it.
1671
02:07:53,792 --> 02:07:57,417
Let's ask the AI, since we have it.
1672
02:07:57,917 --> 02:08:00,292
Which one does she look like?
1673
02:08:00,875 --> 02:08:02,833
A kitty-kitty-cat!
1674
02:08:02,917 --> 02:08:04,708
A kittycat!
1675
02:08:04,792 --> 02:08:06,542
A cat, maybe.
1676
02:08:08,208 --> 02:08:11,458
- What do we do with kittycats?
- Declaw them!
1677
02:08:11,542 --> 02:08:13,417
We declaw them!
1678
02:08:13,500 --> 02:08:18,833
Enough fun, back to work!
Time is money!
1679
02:08:26,833 --> 02:08:29,542
You get paid too much for what you do.
1680
02:08:29,625 --> 02:08:31,458
The robot says so.
1681
02:08:31,542 --> 02:08:33,083
Indeed!
1682
02:08:33,167 --> 02:08:36,167
I'm sorry, I try as hard as I can.
1683
02:08:36,250 --> 02:08:38,750
Don't worry, my dear.
1684
02:08:38,833 --> 02:08:41,250
I appreciate the effort.
1685
02:08:41,333 --> 02:08:45,042
I can accept stupidity,
but not insolence.
1686
02:08:46,083 --> 02:08:49,375
So said my uncle, Mircea the Elder,
1687
02:08:49,458 --> 02:08:54,000
to my brother, Radu the Handsome,
before bedtime.
1688
02:08:54,083 --> 02:08:56,667
But is it fair to your coworkers?
1689
02:09:11,292 --> 02:09:14,750
So you speak good Romanian?
How did you learn it?
1690
02:09:14,833 --> 02:09:17,167
I was born here.
1691
02:09:17,250 --> 02:09:21,167
My father came to Romania as a teenager.
1692
02:09:21,250 --> 02:09:24,000
He was a Vietnam war refugee.
1693
02:09:24,083 --> 02:09:25,708
Meaning?
1694
02:09:26,500 --> 02:09:29,625
Back then, Romania helped Vietnam.
1695
02:09:29,708 --> 02:09:31,167
It brought...
1696
02:09:31,958 --> 02:09:33,958
many children over.
1697
02:09:34,042 --> 02:09:36,750
Most of them war orphans.
1698
02:09:36,833 --> 02:09:38,958
The majority went back.
1699
02:09:43,417 --> 02:09:45,083
He is my father.
1700
02:09:45,708 --> 02:09:49,833
Yes, I've heard Romania
sided with the Communists.
1701
02:09:49,917 --> 02:09:51,292
Grotesque!
1702
02:09:51,375 --> 02:09:55,750
But even the Americans admit
it was a stupid, useless war.
1703
02:09:55,833 --> 02:09:57,792
With mass murders.
1704
02:09:57,875 --> 02:10:00,875
- Like My Lai.
- What about My Lai?
1705
02:10:02,792 --> 02:10:05,333
Back to work! Viet-Cong!
1706
02:10:05,417 --> 02:10:07,708
Or I whip out my AKM!
1707
02:10:07,792 --> 02:10:09,458
Move it.
1708
02:10:09,542 --> 02:10:12,917
As we go marching on
1709
02:10:13,000 --> 02:10:17,542
While we're fighting in the jungles
they were marching in the street
1710
02:10:18,458 --> 02:10:22,917
While we're dying in the rice fields
they were helping our defeat
1711
02:10:23,667 --> 02:10:28,958
While we're facing VC bullets
they were sounding our retreat
1712
02:10:29,042 --> 02:10:32,292
As we go marching on
1713
02:10:35,417 --> 02:10:37,083
Ho! Chi Minh!
1714
02:10:43,375 --> 02:10:45,792
What are you doing in my country,
you pagan?
1715
02:10:45,875 --> 02:10:47,667
You fucking gook!
1716
02:10:47,750 --> 02:10:49,750
I have a Romanian ID!
1717
02:10:50,292 --> 02:10:54,000
I told you, my dad...
but I'll leave if you want!
1718
02:10:54,083 --> 02:10:55,083
I swear!
1719
02:10:55,167 --> 02:10:58,417
You guys are ruining
Christian civilisation!
1720
02:10:58,500 --> 02:11:00,000
Not us, Mr Vlad!
1721
02:11:00,083 --> 02:11:04,667
It's the Muslims!
We try to fix things!
1722
02:11:04,750 --> 02:11:07,458
The Chinese are destroying the Uyghur.
1723
02:11:07,542 --> 02:11:09,042
- Uy-what?
- Uyghurs!
1724
02:11:09,125 --> 02:11:13,000
- Whose Uyghurs!
- Myanmar Buddhists massacre the Muslim.
1725
02:11:13,083 --> 02:11:14,250
The Rohingya!
1726
02:11:14,333 --> 02:11:17,208
We're friends of Christian Orthodoxy!
1727
02:11:50,875 --> 02:11:52,583
That'll fucking teach them!
1728
02:11:59,625 --> 02:12:02,042
Each day starting today,
1729
02:12:02,125 --> 02:12:06,083
you will do four hours
of overtime, at 50% pay.
1730
02:12:06,833 --> 02:12:09,542
- What?
- You can't do that!
1731
02:12:10,375 --> 02:12:13,208
- What's wrong?
- We're very tired!
1732
02:12:13,292 --> 02:12:18,000
Great! It's proof
of your effort and hard work.
1733
02:12:18,083 --> 02:12:22,375
Although you, kitty,
just play around with a mouse.
1734
02:12:22,458 --> 02:12:26,292
But the quality of our work drops.
This is work, not play!
1735
02:12:26,375 --> 02:12:30,458
It's only play for the stupid
Americans who buy our passwords!
1736
02:12:30,542 --> 02:12:33,167
Oh my, a union firebrand!
1737
02:12:33,250 --> 02:12:36,708
- Actually, we'll unionise!
- Yes!
1738
02:12:36,792 --> 02:12:39,625
Can't you see the gift I'm offering?
1739
02:12:39,708 --> 02:12:42,167
I bring the capital and the ideas,
1740
02:12:42,250 --> 02:12:44,375
you bring the labour.
1741
02:12:44,458 --> 02:12:45,750
Right!
1742
02:12:45,833 --> 02:12:48,750
You can come up with ideas of your own.
1743
02:12:48,833 --> 02:12:52,375
Me, I have thousands
of business ideas a day.
1744
02:12:52,458 --> 02:12:55,292
Here's one, for free:
1745
02:12:55,375 --> 02:12:56,667
Octopus!
1746
02:12:58,375 --> 02:13:02,000
Don't stare like
a retard seeing her first cock!
1747
02:13:02,917 --> 02:13:04,500
Octopus!
1748
02:13:04,583 --> 02:13:08,458
Octopus is a gourmet item.
1749
02:13:08,542 --> 02:13:11,250
It sells for heaps of money.
1750
02:13:11,333 --> 02:13:14,750
Set up aquariums at home, grow octopi.
1751
02:13:16,833 --> 02:13:22,125
If you don't know how to grow octopi,
you search online.
1752
02:13:22,208 --> 02:13:26,000
If you're too stupid
to get the instructions,
1753
02:13:26,083 --> 02:13:29,125
you come to me and I'll explain.
1754
02:13:29,208 --> 02:13:30,833
1000 euros a month!
1755
02:13:30,917 --> 02:13:34,167
- I'll do it!
- Good for you!
1756
02:13:35,000 --> 02:13:37,958
Good, let him raise octopi!
1757
02:13:38,042 --> 02:13:42,208
You'll make at least 1000 euros a month!
1758
02:13:42,958 --> 02:13:45,292
If you don't get ideas like that,
1759
02:13:45,375 --> 02:13:50,167
be good kids and
play video games for others.
1760
02:13:50,250 --> 02:13:53,875
We're in direct
competition with the Chinese!
1761
02:13:53,958 --> 02:13:56,625
Sure, they have the population,
1762
02:13:56,708 --> 02:13:59,750
but we can prove we have the destiny!
1763
02:13:59,833 --> 02:14:01,042
True!
1764
02:14:04,167 --> 02:14:05,208
Yes, what?
1765
02:14:06,833 --> 02:14:08,750
We have something to say.
1766
02:14:08,833 --> 02:14:11,875
Our revendications are there.
1767
02:14:11,958 --> 02:14:14,250
We haven't been paid in so long!
1768
02:14:15,500 --> 02:14:18,708
And we won't do all that unpaid overtime!
1769
02:14:18,792 --> 02:14:21,333
Yes! We won't work for free!
1770
02:14:22,833 --> 02:14:25,625
I trust you know what's best for you
1771
02:14:26,167 --> 02:14:29,292
and will quit this nonsense.
1772
02:14:31,750 --> 02:14:34,458
- Get working!
- More work, less begging!
1773
02:14:34,542 --> 02:14:37,708
More work, less begging!
1774
02:14:38,875 --> 02:14:40,917
But we haven't been paid!
1775
02:14:41,708 --> 02:14:45,542
We occupy this place
and refuse to work or leave!
1776
02:14:45,625 --> 02:14:49,333
- What if Mr Vlad gets angry?
- What can he do to us?
1777
02:14:49,417 --> 02:14:52,250
Massage our cocks, that's what!
1778
02:14:52,333 --> 02:14:54,833
He can't do a thing if we're united.
1779
02:14:54,917 --> 02:14:56,958
He could call the police.
1780
02:14:57,042 --> 02:15:00,417
This isn't Ceaușescu's times,
Grandpa, we have rights!
1781
02:15:00,500 --> 02:15:03,333
Don't let him intimidate us!
1782
02:15:03,417 --> 02:15:06,292
He's a monster!
But we'll beat him!
1783
02:15:06,375 --> 02:15:09,250
If we're united, it's OK!
1784
02:15:09,958 --> 02:15:11,833
We'll cream him!
1785
02:15:11,917 --> 02:15:13,958
GENERAL STRIKE
1786
02:15:14,542 --> 02:15:17,000
WE WANT OUR REST
1787
02:15:21,458 --> 02:15:24,708
What's up, Zzz Generation?
1788
02:15:26,125 --> 02:15:28,083
Feel like striking?
1789
02:15:28,167 --> 02:15:31,000
Striking like it's 1933?
1790
02:15:31,083 --> 02:15:33,958
The world's changed, suckers!
1791
02:15:34,042 --> 02:15:35,792
We just want our rights.
1792
02:15:35,875 --> 02:15:39,167
Arbeit macht frei!
1793
02:15:43,125 --> 02:15:46,167
Here's my ultimatum, you have until 12!
1794
02:15:47,875 --> 02:15:50,333
Or I move on to the crackdown!
1795
02:15:51,250 --> 02:15:56,250
From this day on,
our company motto is:
1796
02:15:58,417 --> 02:16:00,833
Nihil sine Deo!
1797
02:16:01,542 --> 02:16:06,750
If Christ had died on the electric chair,
we'd all be wearing one!
1798
02:16:08,167 --> 02:16:10,583
- I like you.
- You don't say.
1799
02:16:10,667 --> 02:16:12,375
You're smart.
1800
02:16:12,458 --> 02:16:14,417
I have a gift idea for you:
1801
02:16:14,500 --> 02:16:18,708
A knit sweater with Marx's face
1802
02:16:19,250 --> 02:16:20,583
and the text:
1803
02:16:20,667 --> 02:16:24,500
"All I want for Christmas
is the means of production!"
1804
02:16:24,583 --> 02:16:25,708
A capitalist gift!
1805
02:16:25,792 --> 02:16:29,833
Ten seconds left!
Then it's crackdown time!
1806
02:16:30,417 --> 02:16:33,458
- Eins!
- Eins, zwei, drei, vier...
1807
02:16:37,375 --> 02:16:38,458
E.T.!
1808
02:16:39,250 --> 02:16:40,875
Suck my cock!
1809
02:16:40,958 --> 02:16:44,000
We're not leaving! You leave!
1810
02:16:44,583 --> 02:16:48,875
You'll crawl before me, yelling,
1811
02:16:49,542 --> 02:16:51,417
"Forgive us, Mr Vlad!"
1812
02:16:51,500 --> 02:16:54,500
Sod off with your fucking vampire fangs!
1813
02:16:54,583 --> 02:16:56,958
Blow me with your fucking cunt mouth!
1814
02:17:03,625 --> 02:17:07,042
Get back to your places!
1815
02:17:20,750 --> 02:17:23,417
- Come with me!
- What's he saying?
1816
02:17:27,667 --> 02:17:29,167
What the...?
1817
02:17:29,250 --> 02:17:31,375
I'm scared.
1818
02:17:32,375 --> 02:17:34,125
Mehr Licht!
1819
02:17:34,208 --> 02:17:36,875
What's that, a tetradrachm?
1820
02:17:36,958 --> 02:17:38,792
Get a cross, quick!
1821
02:17:38,875 --> 02:17:41,417
He's holding one! Mr Vlad is!
1822
02:17:42,000 --> 02:17:45,417
Dracula!
Let's call him by his name!
1823
02:17:45,500 --> 02:17:48,875
The vampire! Nosferatu!
Satan, holding a cross!
1824
02:17:48,958 --> 02:17:52,833
Mehr Licht!
Yes, my children!
1825
02:17:52,917 --> 02:17:56,208
That's right! Rise!
1826
02:17:58,917 --> 02:18:01,125
Mehr Licht!
1827
02:18:01,208 --> 02:18:04,125
Come, my soldiers!
1828
02:18:04,208 --> 02:18:06,208
Yes, little ones!
1829
02:18:06,292 --> 02:18:08,083
Come to me!
1830
02:18:10,042 --> 02:18:11,792
- Zombies!
- Ghosts!
1831
02:18:11,875 --> 02:18:15,833
Of the soldiers who
shot at strikers in 1933!
1832
02:18:15,917 --> 02:18:17,167
What strikers?
1833
02:18:17,250 --> 02:18:21,333
The strike was drowned in blood.
This place is cursed.
1834
02:18:21,417 --> 02:18:24,417
They're back to shoot us again.
1835
02:18:24,500 --> 02:18:25,833
Weren't they Bolsheviks?
1836
02:18:40,917 --> 02:18:42,500
Suck it, Dracula!
1837
02:18:55,292 --> 02:18:59,208
The end will be long, but beautiful!
1838
02:19:17,458 --> 02:19:18,667
No!
1839
02:19:34,125 --> 02:19:36,417
Get over here!
1840
02:19:48,000 --> 02:19:49,500
Help!
1841
02:19:51,125 --> 02:19:53,417
Capitalist murderers!
1842
02:19:53,500 --> 02:19:55,208
Vampires!
1843
02:19:58,250 --> 02:20:01,167
Fucking vampires!
1844
02:20:01,250 --> 02:20:03,208
Fuck your kind!
1845
02:20:16,125 --> 02:20:17,750
Oh, fuck.
1846
02:20:36,958 --> 02:20:40,500
Where are you, union cat?
1847
02:20:41,583 --> 02:20:43,208
Here, kitty, kitty!
1848
02:20:44,833 --> 02:20:46,542
I'm out of here!
1849
02:20:51,000 --> 02:20:53,458
This is the end...
1850
02:20:55,875 --> 02:20:58,000
Eat my cock!
1851
02:21:06,792 --> 02:21:11,333
I hope the audience has noticed,
though our title is Dracula,
1852
02:21:11,417 --> 02:21:16,708
it's built more like
Frankenstein's monster.
1853
02:21:16,792 --> 02:21:18,708
Pieced together.
1854
02:21:18,792 --> 02:21:22,875
I wanted to call it Frankenstein,
but I changed my mind.
1855
02:21:22,958 --> 02:21:25,000
Good. That's confusing.
1856
02:21:25,083 --> 02:21:27,708
I still regret it. It was more subtle.
1857
02:21:52,833 --> 02:21:54,958
- Sandu, my boy!
- Hello, Ma'am.
1858
02:21:55,042 --> 02:21:58,000
Were those stinking
Confederates after you?
1859
02:21:58,083 --> 02:22:01,542
- Yes. Where are they?
- Everywhere.
1860
02:22:05,125 --> 02:22:08,000
Can you hide us for a few hours?
1861
02:22:08,667 --> 02:22:10,000
I don't know...
1862
02:22:10,083 --> 02:22:12,417
My own plum brandy, good stuff.
1863
02:22:13,083 --> 02:22:14,958
Pure medicine!
1864
02:22:15,792 --> 02:22:17,250
Isn't that right, Zamolxis?
1865
02:22:19,625 --> 02:22:20,833
So good!
1866
02:22:20,917 --> 02:22:23,958
Like the herbal cordials
they make in monasteries.
1867
02:22:24,583 --> 02:22:25,625
Cheers!
1868
02:22:26,375 --> 02:22:29,542
Bottoms up, get ready for cock!
1869
02:22:33,625 --> 02:22:35,542
No one will find you here.
1870
02:22:35,625 --> 02:22:38,250
I'll make you some warm cheese and cream.
1871
02:22:50,667 --> 02:22:52,333
Voici!
1872
02:22:52,417 --> 02:22:54,917
I should be the one who
kills him with the hammer.
1873
02:22:55,000 --> 02:22:56,958
We discussed it before.
1874
02:22:57,042 --> 02:22:59,708
Me and my wife should be
the ones to kill him.
1875
02:22:59,792 --> 02:23:01,667
Just like the Nosferatu in 1979,
1876
02:23:01,750 --> 02:23:05,250
the Werner Herzog version,
with Kinski and Adjani.
1877
02:23:06,000 --> 02:23:09,458
I know you want to see
if the two make it out alive,
1878
02:23:09,542 --> 02:23:13,292
but first, one more quick digression!
1879
02:23:13,375 --> 02:23:16,000
Like in Diderot's Jacques the Fatalist .
1880
02:23:16,667 --> 02:23:18,833
Dear Artificial Intelligence,
1881
02:23:18,917 --> 02:23:22,250
our audience, perhaps
fed up with all the vampires,
1882
02:23:22,333 --> 02:23:28,083
murders, Satanist priests, stakes,
might want another love story.
1883
02:23:28,167 --> 02:23:33,083
13. THE TALE OF ALL TALES (1878)
(AFTER ION CREANGĂ)
1884
02:23:34,792 --> 02:23:37,542
Once upon a time,
a peasant lived in a village.
1885
02:23:37,625 --> 02:23:42,167
One day, he went to sow his maize.
1886
02:23:42,250 --> 02:23:48,500
Christ and Saint Peter
happened to pass by.
1887
02:23:48,583 --> 02:23:52,500
You think Christ could
keep quiet and go on his way?
1888
02:23:53,125 --> 02:23:54,875
What are you sowing, good man?
1889
02:23:54,958 --> 02:23:56,583
Cocks, since you ask!
1890
02:23:56,667 --> 02:23:59,750
Cocks you say, cocks you shall reap!
1891
02:24:04,250 --> 02:24:07,750
At harvest time, instead of maize,
1892
02:24:07,833 --> 02:24:11,167
each stalk grew three or four cocks,
1893
02:24:11,792 --> 02:24:15,792
each one perkier
and prouder than the other!
1894
02:24:15,875 --> 02:24:17,708
Well damn!
1895
02:24:17,792 --> 02:24:20,875
There goes my summer-long hard work!
1896
02:24:20,958 --> 02:24:23,833
Never have I seen such things!
1897
02:24:23,917 --> 02:24:26,583
Fuck this in the gut!
1898
02:24:26,667 --> 02:24:28,958
Now what to do?
1899
02:24:29,458 --> 02:24:33,375
Some fucking blessing that guy gave me!
1900
02:24:39,625 --> 02:24:42,000
Good day, good man!
1901
02:24:42,083 --> 02:24:45,375
Fuck the good day
and the horse it rode in on!
1902
02:24:46,208 --> 02:24:50,083
Why are you so foul-mouthed, man?
1903
02:24:50,167 --> 02:24:53,958
In front of an old woman like me, no less!
1904
02:24:54,042 --> 02:24:59,083
Can't you see, Auntie,
how God mocked my hard work?
1905
02:24:59,167 --> 02:25:01,875
How will a harvest of cocks
help my poverty?
1906
02:25:01,958 --> 02:25:05,375
Look at this field,
what do you make of it?
1907
02:25:05,917 --> 02:25:10,042
My goodness me, dear boy!
1908
02:25:10,667 --> 02:25:14,708
- That's one thing I've never seen.
- I wish it was only one, Auntie!
1909
02:25:14,792 --> 02:25:19,583
But there are thousands of them,
fuck them a thousand times!
1910
02:25:19,667 --> 02:25:21,625
I could hang myself!
1911
02:25:22,333 --> 02:25:26,167
One cock stiffer than the other
as far as the eye can see!
1912
02:25:26,250 --> 02:25:28,542
Take heart, my boy!
1913
02:25:28,625 --> 02:25:34,792
How do you know this isn't
a stroke of luck from God?
1914
02:25:34,875 --> 02:25:38,333
I wouldn't wish this luck on my enemies!
1915
02:25:38,417 --> 02:25:43,542
Who's ever heard of this?
Eating cocks instead of maize!
1916
02:25:43,625 --> 02:25:48,833
My boy, I could teach you
how to get rid of them
1917
02:25:48,917 --> 02:25:53,875
and earn a hundred times
more than you would from maize.
1918
02:25:53,958 --> 02:25:56,792
- What would you give for it?
- Ask your price, Auntie.
1919
02:25:56,875 --> 02:26:00,875
I'll give you what you ask
and a bundle of cocks on top of it.
1920
02:26:00,958 --> 02:26:05,833
Put them in your wagon
and take them to the market.
1921
02:26:05,917 --> 02:26:08,458
They'll sell like hot cakes!
1922
02:26:08,542 --> 02:26:14,250
But now I must put
decency aside and teach you
1923
02:26:14,333 --> 02:26:18,000
what your buyers need to do to use them.
1924
02:26:18,083 --> 02:26:21,417
Do tell me, Auntie, please!
1925
02:26:21,500 --> 02:26:24,625
When they feel like some cock,
1926
02:26:24,708 --> 02:26:28,542
they should whistle like shepherds do.
1927
02:26:36,750 --> 02:26:40,792
Then they'd better hope
their ass can take it!
1928
02:26:43,833 --> 02:26:44,958
Oh my!
1929
02:26:48,083 --> 02:26:50,917
And once they've had enough,
they should say,
1930
02:26:51,000 --> 02:26:56,292
"Whoa there, you hungry beast!"
1931
02:26:56,375 --> 02:27:01,292
Then it goes limp
and you're done with it.
1932
02:27:10,042 --> 02:27:12,500
Ándale!
1933
02:27:12,583 --> 02:27:14,875
Ándale, arriba!
1934
02:27:14,958 --> 02:27:17,792
Where did you learn this craft, Auntie?
1935
02:27:17,875 --> 02:27:20,417
Don't you worry, boy,
1936
02:27:20,500 --> 02:27:23,833
where the devil gathers sawdust,
1937
02:27:23,917 --> 02:27:25,958
I once sawed timber!
1938
02:27:26,042 --> 02:27:31,958
So don't ask!
Just be thankful.
1939
02:27:33,542 --> 02:27:36,458
Come get your cocks!
1940
02:27:36,542 --> 02:27:40,625
Sturdy, hard cocks,
they please ladies in flocks!
1941
02:27:41,167 --> 02:27:44,125
Come get your cocks!
1942
02:27:45,292 --> 02:27:50,792
Vile peasant, you dare speak
such filth before a poor widow?
1943
02:27:51,333 --> 02:27:55,417
I'll have you beaten until
they have to carry you home in a blanket!
1944
02:27:55,500 --> 02:27:59,917
Merciful lady,
I beg your noble forgiveness.
1945
02:28:00,000 --> 02:28:03,917
Since God gave me a harvest of cocks,
1946
02:28:04,000 --> 02:28:09,000
here I am trying to sell them,
for I am so poor and needy.
1947
02:28:09,083 --> 02:28:12,958
Are you insane?
How can you speak such nonsense?
1948
02:28:13,042 --> 02:28:17,083
God forbid, Your Ladyship,
I speak in truth.
1949
02:28:17,167 --> 02:28:19,792
Try this one if you won't believe me.
1950
02:28:19,875 --> 02:28:24,667
Fuck their maker sideways,
they're getting me in trouble!
1951
02:28:24,708 --> 02:28:27,458
If they were female or
I was the backwards kind,
1952
02:28:27,542 --> 02:28:30,125
at least I'd keep them for myself.
1953
02:28:30,208 --> 02:28:33,000
Is this any joking matter, Your Ladyship?
1954
02:28:33,083 --> 02:28:35,792
After I worked the land all summer long,
1955
02:28:35,875 --> 02:28:39,958
as if it wasn't enough,
now I get threatened with a beating.
1956
02:28:40,042 --> 02:28:44,125
Fuck the cross of you-know-who,
people think I'm crazy.
1957
02:28:44,625 --> 02:28:48,333
You loathsome, vile peasant.
1958
02:28:49,083 --> 02:28:51,250
Go to hell!
1959
02:28:51,333 --> 02:28:54,000
Come get your cocks!
1960
02:28:54,083 --> 02:28:56,167
- Sturdy, hard--
- Actually...
1961
02:28:57,167 --> 02:29:00,458
How would someone
go about using one?
1962
02:29:00,542 --> 02:29:05,875
Not that I would need it, God forbid!
1963
02:29:05,958 --> 02:29:08,583
I just wonder at such an oddity.
1964
02:29:08,667 --> 02:29:12,708
Your Ladyship, pardon my dirty mouth,
1965
02:29:13,208 --> 02:29:15,500
but should one feel like it,
1966
02:29:15,583 --> 02:29:19,292
one should whistle for it
as shepherds do.
1967
02:29:21,125 --> 02:29:25,917
Then they'd better get ready
for a ride, I swear!
1968
02:29:26,000 --> 02:29:31,083
When one has had enough pounding,
one need only say,
1969
02:29:31,167 --> 02:29:34,625
"Whoa there, you greedy beast!"
1970
02:29:34,708 --> 02:29:39,708
In a blink it will pull back,
like a snake in the water.
1971
02:29:39,792 --> 02:29:43,208
Then one does the same
anytime one feels like it.
1972
02:29:43,292 --> 02:29:46,208
And if you're not pleased,
you can curse me!
1973
02:29:46,292 --> 02:29:51,042
A pox on you, peasant,
you have the devil in you!
1974
02:29:53,958 --> 02:29:57,333
I'll just go behind your stall for a bit.
1975
02:29:57,417 --> 02:30:01,250
Then the lady started
to whistle for the tool,
1976
02:30:01,333 --> 02:30:05,125
and the good cock goes
"woosh!" right into her cunt.
1977
02:30:05,208 --> 02:30:08,333
To work it went,
and the lady couldn't be happier!
1978
02:30:08,417 --> 02:30:12,000
As they say: you won't scare
an old hag with a thick cock.
1979
02:30:12,083 --> 02:30:17,458
She was staying put,
like a lamb sucking on its mother's teat.
1980
02:30:18,083 --> 02:30:20,250
She was a fiery one,
1981
02:30:20,333 --> 02:30:23,375
"tight of cunt and hard of hips,
cracks the cock between her teeth,
1982
02:30:23,458 --> 02:30:25,458
"she'll ride anything that fits!"
1983
02:30:25,542 --> 02:30:28,125
Finally, once she was well sated,
1984
02:30:28,208 --> 02:30:31,458
she whispered,
"Whoa there, you hungry beast!"
1985
02:30:31,542 --> 02:30:35,333
The cock went limp
and "splat!" fell to the ground.
1986
02:30:35,958 --> 02:30:40,042
The lady piously picked it up
and kissed it right on the nose.
1987
02:30:41,667 --> 02:30:43,375
Say, man,
1988
02:30:45,875 --> 02:30:48,875
the ones who gave you this crop,
1989
02:30:49,708 --> 02:30:53,083
were they not Christ and Saint Peter?
1990
02:30:53,167 --> 02:30:55,792
They alone could work such wonders!
1991
02:30:55,875 --> 02:30:58,208
What do I know, Your Ladyship?
1992
02:30:58,292 --> 02:31:03,583
God or the Devil,
fuck them all the way into tomorrow!
1993
02:31:03,667 --> 02:31:05,833
Do pardon my words.
1994
02:31:06,500 --> 02:31:09,167
If it is as you say, peasant,
1995
02:31:09,792 --> 02:31:12,125
I believe it was Christ's hand.
1996
02:31:12,208 --> 02:31:13,833
And so,
1997
02:31:13,917 --> 02:31:18,583
I'll buy one as a souvenir
of the year with the harvest of...
1998
02:31:19,458 --> 02:31:21,500
such things.
1999
02:31:21,583 --> 02:31:23,583
It may be a good sign.
2000
02:31:23,667 --> 02:31:25,500
You mean cocks, Madam?
2001
02:31:25,583 --> 02:31:28,833
Eat them whole, since you like
saying their name so much!
2002
02:31:28,917 --> 02:31:33,375
It's how we always speak,
pray forgive us.
2003
02:31:34,167 --> 02:31:38,583
But if it's as you say,
I wonder at God's ways.
2004
02:31:38,667 --> 02:31:39,750
What the hell?
2005
02:31:39,833 --> 02:31:43,708
Has he no better business
than putting cocks on stalks?
2006
02:31:43,792 --> 02:31:48,625
God must have a hell of a cock!
2007
02:31:48,708 --> 02:31:52,583
So, Your Ladyship?
Will you buy one or not?
2008
02:31:54,083 --> 02:31:57,208
How much for that disgusting thing?
2009
02:31:57,292 --> 02:31:59,875
Not everything God sends is a godsend.
2010
02:31:59,958 --> 02:32:02,042
I don't know, Your Ladyship...
2011
02:32:02,125 --> 02:32:05,958
Let's not haggle, 500 lei and we're set.
2012
02:32:06,042 --> 02:32:09,917
500?
Aren't you a fresh one, peasant!
2013
02:32:10,000 --> 02:32:16,042
After I got all sweaty-balled
harvesting these cocks?
2014
02:32:16,125 --> 02:32:21,583
If I don't earn big from patrons like you,
what will poor village women pay?
2015
02:32:21,667 --> 02:32:26,667
They'll want a dozen cocks
for a copper, plus five extra!
2016
02:32:27,875 --> 02:32:29,625
Good lady!
2017
02:32:30,958 --> 02:32:33,875
Be my first client today!
2018
02:32:33,958 --> 02:32:37,458
You'll get a cock
so good you'll thank me,
2019
02:32:37,542 --> 02:32:39,292
and tell other ladies, too!
2020
02:32:39,792 --> 02:32:43,042
Fine, you poor wretch.
2021
02:32:43,125 --> 02:32:45,625
- 500 lei.
- My lady!
2022
02:32:50,125 --> 02:32:56,917
Thence, whenever she felt indisposed,
the lady went at it and sated herself.
2023
02:32:57,000 --> 02:33:01,000
Never again did she have
to settle for whatever she could get!
2024
02:33:01,500 --> 02:33:07,208
She had made good
provisions for her old age.
2025
02:33:07,292 --> 02:33:09,917
But one day...
2026
02:33:13,458 --> 02:33:15,917
- God bless, Father.
- Blessed be, daughter.
2027
02:33:16,000 --> 02:33:18,583
I come to drive the devils away.
2028
02:33:18,667 --> 02:33:22,083
Sit down while I bring you some brandy.
2029
02:33:22,750 --> 02:33:26,375
When You, O Lord,
were baptised in the Jordan...
2030
02:33:26,458 --> 02:33:30,958
O Lord, teach me Your commandments.
2031
02:33:31,042 --> 02:33:34,250
And protect this house from all danger,
2032
02:33:34,333 --> 02:33:36,750
for You alone are without sin,
2033
02:33:41,375 --> 02:33:45,000
- When you, O Lord, were...
- Father?
2034
02:33:46,917 --> 02:33:48,792
Giddy-up!
2035
02:33:48,875 --> 02:33:52,208
Go, Silver, go!
2036
02:33:53,792 --> 02:33:54,958
Yee-haw!
2037
02:33:56,583 --> 02:33:58,333
You bag of bones!
2038
02:34:12,000 --> 02:34:17,542
God, let not thy servant
be the Devil's plaything!
2039
02:34:22,292 --> 02:34:26,500
And so the priest began to yank and pull,
2040
02:34:26,583 --> 02:34:30,042
like oxen when they won't
pull a heavy cart.
2041
02:34:30,125 --> 02:34:31,625
But all was in vain.
2042
02:34:31,708 --> 02:34:36,125
The priest prays,
the priest yells, the priest wiggles,
2043
02:34:36,208 --> 02:34:40,167
but even a priestly frock
is no shield against hard cock.
2044
02:34:44,250 --> 02:34:46,250
Yes, that feels good!
2045
02:34:47,750 --> 02:34:49,208
Yes, yes!
2046
02:34:52,375 --> 02:34:53,958
Yes!
2047
02:34:54,042 --> 02:34:57,917
Now this really has been
a beautiful love story!
2048
02:34:58,000 --> 02:35:02,500
Better even than Daphnis and Chloe
or Heloise and Abelard.
2049
02:35:04,000 --> 02:35:08,042
Of course, I don't condone
anything vulgar or questionable.
2050
02:35:08,125 --> 02:35:10,042
I'm not responsible.
2051
02:35:11,500 --> 02:35:14,417
Now let's go back to my runaways.
2052
02:35:14,500 --> 02:35:16,958
Let's see if I let them escape!
2053
02:36:29,875 --> 02:36:33,542
Dear Dr AI JUDEX 0.0,
2054
02:36:33,625 --> 02:36:36,875
what would Dracula's
social media look like?
2055
02:36:36,958 --> 02:36:39,792
- I will now exemplify.
- Awesome.
2056
02:36:45,333 --> 02:36:49,667
Too often have you made riches
and power your single aim
2057
02:36:49,750 --> 02:36:55,333
Too often you brought our nation
to ridicule and shame
2058
02:36:55,417 --> 02:37:00,292
Too often you mocked the language
and customs of this race
2059
02:37:00,375 --> 02:37:05,792
That now at last your mocking
does but yourselves disgrace!
2060
02:37:06,625 --> 02:37:11,125
While self was ever the craving
that in your spirits stirred
2061
02:37:11,208 --> 02:37:16,667
Virtue? Nonsense
Genius? But a word
2062
02:37:18,333 --> 02:37:22,958
O, leave in the old chronicles
our forefathers to rest
2063
02:37:23,042 --> 02:37:28,250
For they would gaze upon you
with irony at best
2064
02:37:28,333 --> 02:37:34,875
Rise once more, o Impaler!
Take and divide these men
2065
02:37:34,958 --> 02:37:40,125
As lunatics and rogues
in two big tribes, and then
2066
02:37:40,208 --> 02:37:43,625
In mighty, twin infirmaries
by force both tribes intern
2067
02:37:43,708 --> 02:37:47,875
And with a single faggot
prison and madhouse burn!
2068
02:38:02,000 --> 02:38:03,708
Catch him! He's there!
2069
02:38:12,458 --> 02:38:14,250
Help me, please!
2070
02:38:18,417 --> 02:38:19,958
I must be the one to kill him!
2071
02:38:20,042 --> 02:38:22,875
Mr Adonis, this isn't fair,
we've all paid.
2072
02:38:22,958 --> 02:38:27,292
Dear lady, we have distinguished
clients here from Austria and the US.
2073
02:38:27,375 --> 02:38:30,042
Let's do it like
Murder on the Orient Express .
2074
02:38:30,125 --> 02:38:32,250
- What do you mean?
- Everybody gets a go.
2075
02:38:32,833 --> 02:38:36,083
Brilliant idea! Everybody will have a hit.
2076
02:38:36,167 --> 02:38:38,667
- Alright then!
- I start.
2077
02:38:39,458 --> 02:38:40,875
Hammer!
Hammer Horror.
2078
02:38:43,583 --> 02:38:44,625
Yes!
2079
02:38:49,417 --> 02:38:50,833
Cumshot!
2080
02:38:52,208 --> 02:38:53,458
Yes, bitch!
2081
02:39:00,583 --> 02:39:02,250
Away from me, Satan!
2082
02:39:02,333 --> 02:39:04,167
Vade retro Dracula!
2083
02:39:07,792 --> 02:39:09,458
You beggar!
2084
02:39:11,875 --> 02:39:13,458
That was fun!
2085
02:39:26,083 --> 02:39:28,375
Wittgenstein has put this epigraph
2086
02:39:28,458 --> 02:39:32,792
of Nestroy's in his
Philosophische Untersuchungen :
2087
02:39:33,500 --> 02:39:36,167
"The thing about progress is
2088
02:39:36,250 --> 02:39:39,708
"that it looks much bigger
than it actually is."
2089
02:39:56,250 --> 02:40:00,042
I wouldn't close without
asking our Artificial Intelligence
2090
02:40:00,125 --> 02:40:02,208
for another story.
2091
02:40:02,292 --> 02:40:07,417
Let's dramatise a news story
that best expresses our day and age.
2092
02:40:07,500 --> 02:40:08,792
Hard choice.
2093
02:40:08,875 --> 02:40:12,625
The war in Ukraine, October 7,
the Gaza massacres,
2094
02:40:12,708 --> 02:40:17,542
Trump regime's techno-fascism,
rising inequality...
2095
02:40:17,625 --> 02:40:20,875
- What shall it be?
- Something small.
2096
02:40:20,958 --> 02:40:24,458
Like the true life story
of a street sweeper.
2097
02:40:24,542 --> 02:40:26,458
Very well. Right away.
2098
02:40:27,792 --> 02:40:30,250
Enjoy and farewell, everyone!
2099
02:40:30,750 --> 02:40:32,458
To quote Ion Creangă,
2100
02:40:32,542 --> 02:40:36,833
"Dear reader, you must have
read much nonsense in your life.
2101
02:40:36,917 --> 02:40:39,500
"Pray read this one too,
2102
02:40:39,583 --> 02:40:42,667
"and if some part does not agree with you,
2103
02:40:42,750 --> 02:40:46,208
"take a quill and
put down something better,
2104
02:40:46,292 --> 02:40:49,875
"for I only did the best I could."
2105
02:40:51,375 --> 02:40:57,208
NEW SLICE-OF-LIFE
2106
02:41:29,417 --> 02:41:32,667
- We can't take this.
- What are you doing?
2107
02:41:33,250 --> 02:41:36,375
Construction waste
isn't our responsibility.
2108
02:41:36,458 --> 02:41:37,625
Say what?
2109
02:41:37,708 --> 02:41:42,125
We don't pick up rubble,
only household waste.
2110
02:41:42,208 --> 02:41:43,833
That's what this is.
2111
02:41:43,917 --> 02:41:46,250
No, it's full of rubble!
2112
02:41:46,333 --> 02:41:49,958
How dare you look inside my bins?
2113
02:41:50,042 --> 02:41:52,042
They're private property!
2114
02:41:52,125 --> 02:41:56,417
- I'm calling the police.
- Great, they'll fine you!
2115
02:41:56,500 --> 02:41:57,833
Let him be.
2116
02:41:57,917 --> 02:42:02,458
Getting cheeky with me, son?
You know who I am?
2117
02:42:02,542 --> 02:42:06,458
There's a fucking
cubic metre of books between us!
2118
02:42:06,542 --> 02:42:09,375
- Fucking illiterates!
- We're not illiterate.
2119
02:42:09,458 --> 02:42:11,708
- You know who I am?
- No!
2120
02:42:11,792 --> 02:42:14,625
Both my parents were art historians!
2121
02:42:14,708 --> 02:42:17,583
My father was a specialist
in Trecento painters!
2122
02:42:17,667 --> 02:42:20,167
- I can appreciate...
- Hands off!
2123
02:42:20,250 --> 02:42:22,833
...the mystique of Jacopone da Todi!
2124
02:42:24,208 --> 02:42:26,917
The goliardic poetry of Cecco Angiolieri!
2125
02:42:27,000 --> 02:42:28,917
What's he saying?
2126
02:42:29,000 --> 02:42:32,542
Or Poggio's Facetiae ! Yes, lady!
2127
02:42:32,625 --> 02:42:34,750
- Poggio, right.
- Poggio Bracciolini!
2128
02:42:34,833 --> 02:42:39,458
I didn't lock myself in the bathroom
with porn magazines, you wankers!
2129
02:42:40,042 --> 02:42:43,792
I took along Laelius de Amicitia.
2130
02:42:55,708 --> 02:42:59,625
Drop me off here,
I'll catch you in an hour or so.
2131
02:42:59,708 --> 02:43:02,000
- What time is it?
- 9 o'clock.
2132
02:43:24,500 --> 02:43:28,125
- Told you not to come dressed like that!
- Had no time to change.
2133
02:43:28,208 --> 02:43:30,667
- Everyone will laugh at me!
- I'll stay out here.
2134
02:43:30,750 --> 02:43:31,875
Told you, I didn't--
2135
02:43:31,958 --> 02:43:33,000
Laura!
2136
02:43:38,000 --> 02:43:41,583
O great Impaler, read this letter
About my land
2137
02:43:41,667 --> 02:43:45,083
The people, in misery tethered,
From hope are banned!
2138
02:43:45,167 --> 02:43:48,458
We are robbed, disgraced,
Scoundrels wearing false masks
2139
02:43:48,542 --> 02:43:53,042
From our own home we are chased.
What would you do, I ask?
2140
02:43:53,125 --> 02:43:55,917
O great Impaler, from up there
You hear our prayer
2141
02:43:56,000 --> 02:43:59,292
Send to our country a reply,
Send us your heir!
2142
02:43:59,375 --> 02:44:02,583
For long enough we've been oppressed
You know it best
2143
02:44:02,667 --> 02:44:06,167
Until we rise up to this task
What would you do, I ask?
2144
02:44:06,250 --> 02:44:10,958
So if life is love
and to love is life's aim
2145
02:44:11,750 --> 02:44:16,708
We are proud of calling
things by their name
2146
02:44:16,792 --> 02:44:20,208
- What's the idea?
- My daughter's in the event.
2147
02:44:20,875 --> 02:44:24,292
- Who's your daughter?
- Paraschiv Laura, 3rd grade.
2148
02:44:25,167 --> 02:44:27,375
Never seen me around?
2149
02:44:27,458 --> 02:44:30,542
- No.
- I sometimes bring her to school.
2150
02:44:31,250 --> 02:44:34,667
- Then why don't you come in?
- You know...
2151
02:44:34,750 --> 02:44:37,375
My uniform would embarrass her.
2152
02:44:37,458 --> 02:44:42,000
I didn't get a chance to change,
been working since 5am.
2153
02:44:42,083 --> 02:44:45,083
So I'm staying out.
Children will be children.
2154
02:44:46,792 --> 02:44:49,667
Her mother's really sick, in the hospital.
2155
02:44:50,667 --> 02:44:53,417
Go further away, by the swings.
2156
02:44:53,500 --> 02:44:56,500
They saw you from the secretary's office,
2157
02:44:56,583 --> 02:44:58,417
the headmaster won't like it.
2158
02:44:58,500 --> 02:45:00,083
Yeah, OK.
2159
02:45:00,958 --> 02:45:02,250
Farther!
2160
02:45:04,500 --> 02:45:09,958
Yes, we have our likes and dislikes
Yes, we trust ourselves above all
2161
02:45:10,042 --> 02:45:15,792
Yes, we love peace's white dove
No, we don't want war
2162
02:45:16,333 --> 02:45:21,542
Yes, we are the future generation
Put your ear to the ground to hear...
2163
02:45:21,625 --> 02:45:26,458
What a pleasure
travelling under falling snow
2164
02:45:26,542 --> 02:45:30,750
Finding some small hovel,
windows warm aglow
2165
02:45:30,833 --> 02:45:34,792
As the sled glides past
silver fir tree boughs
2166
02:45:35,375 --> 02:45:39,667
In the loneliness settling around,
Treetops shine by the sunset crowned
2167
02:45:39,750 --> 02:45:43,625
The light that pierces the forest air
Coalesces bowers of roses fair
2168
02:45:43,708 --> 02:45:48,000
But the meager twilight subsides
Night streams in, wells up in tides
2169
02:45:48,083 --> 02:45:51,833
Hills rise up, in stillness wrought
A path branches off to naught
2170
02:45:51,917 --> 02:45:57,000
On the horizon, a deserted well
Keeps the landscape under a silent spell
2171
02:45:57,083 --> 02:46:00,750
Awed by omens, your soul recoils
You feel lost, far from turmoil
2172
02:46:00,833 --> 02:46:05,250
Travelling on, carrying with you
Something of their sadness and woe
2173
02:46:05,333 --> 02:46:09,958
Summoned by an arcane will
Your heart gripped by its lonely chill
2174
02:46:10,458 --> 02:46:16,125
No one around but your burdened soul
And longings you cannot console
2175
02:46:16,208 --> 02:46:20,083
For a distant happiness within
For what was not, but could have been
2176
02:46:20,167 --> 02:46:23,208
For what was and is now forever gone
2177
02:46:23,292 --> 02:46:24,542
Bravo!