1 00:01:38,125 --> 00:01:41,042 If you are interested in stories with happy endings, 2 00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:43,625 then you would be better off somewhere else. 3 00:01:43,708 --> 00:01:45,750 In this story, not only is there no happy ending, 4 00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:49,167 there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle. 5 00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:50,625 My name is Lemony Snicket. 6 00:01:50,708 --> 00:01:53,417 It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history 7 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:56,542 of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. 8 00:01:57,458 --> 00:02:00,000 But you in the audience have no such obligation, 9 00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:03,375 and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately 10 00:02:03,458 --> 00:02:05,625 and watch something more pleasant instead. 11 00:02:18,417 --> 00:02:21,792 This story will be dreadful, melancholy and calamitous, 12 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,875 a word which here means "dreadful and melancholy." 13 00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,417 That is because not very many happy things happened 14 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:30,500 in the lives of the Baudelaires. 15 00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:48,125 Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children. 16 00:02:48,208 --> 00:02:52,417 Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, 17 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,792 but they were extremely unlucky. 18 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:57,125 Most everything that happened to them was rife 19 00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,792 with misfortune, misery and despair. 20 00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:02,875 I'm sorry to tell you this... 21 00:03:14,708 --> 00:03:16,750 ...but that's how the story goes. 22 00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:20,500 Briny Beach, please. 23 00:03:20,583 --> 00:03:23,292 The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion 24 00:03:23,375 --> 00:03:25,000 at the heart of a dirty and busy city, 25 00:03:25,083 --> 00:03:28,125 and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children 26 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,083 to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore. 27 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,375 I wonder why Mother and Father didn't want to come with us. 28 00:03:33,458 --> 00:03:35,333 Maybe they don't like this rickety trolley. 29 00:03:35,417 --> 00:03:37,208 "Rickety" is a word here which means 30 00:03:37,292 --> 00:03:40,208 "unsteady" or "likely to collapse at any moment." 31 00:03:40,292 --> 00:03:42,958 Hey, kids! Aren't you going to the Festive Fun Fair, 32 00:03:43,042 --> 00:03:45,125 with all the jolly rides and games and snacks? 33 00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:46,417 "Festive" means "fun." 34 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:47,958 We know what "festive" means. 35 00:03:48,042 --> 00:03:50,667 Thank you, but it's a perfect morning to go to the beach. 36 00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:53,292 -It's gray and cloudy. -That's what makes it perfect. 37 00:03:53,375 --> 00:03:54,417 Suit yourself. 38 00:03:56,583 --> 00:04:00,083 When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists 39 00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:03,125 and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one's blanket. 40 00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:08,417 On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves, 41 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:11,917 so they could work together on their projects and experiments. 42 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,958 -Are you ready? -Let's get to work. 43 00:04:14,042 --> 00:04:15,792 Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox? 44 00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:17,958 I think this will be even better than the mailbox. 45 00:04:18,042 --> 00:04:20,625 Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child. 46 00:04:20,708 --> 00:04:22,833 She was 14 years old, right-handed, 47 00:04:22,917 --> 00:04:26,333 had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices. 48 00:04:26,417 --> 00:04:28,667 I'm having a problem with the grandfather clock. 49 00:04:28,750 --> 00:04:30,917 Can you show me what the specific issues are? 50 00:04:34,792 --> 00:04:35,917 See? It toasts the bread, 51 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,292 but the minute hand falls behind five minutes. 52 00:04:38,375 --> 00:04:40,417 It could be a problem with the gears. 53 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,875 That'd be disappointing. I made them myself. 54 00:04:43,542 --> 00:04:46,333 When Violet Baudelaire tied her hair up like that, 55 00:04:46,417 --> 00:04:50,000 it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind 56 00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:51,625 were working at top speed. 57 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,167 Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents? 58 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,667 The angle of the prevailing currents... 59 00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:58,875 Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy. 60 00:04:58,958 --> 00:05:01,083 He was a little older than 12 and wore glasses, 61 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,500 which made him look intelligent. 62 00:05:02,583 --> 00:05:04,292 Of course, we still need the right projectile. 63 00:05:04,375 --> 00:05:05,750 He was intelligent. 64 00:05:10,583 --> 00:05:13,458 Violet, I'm not sure I understand this passage of Proust. 65 00:05:13,542 --> 00:05:14,833 Could you read it to me? 66 00:05:14,917 --> 00:05:17,292 "Happiness is beneficial for the body, 67 00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:19,917 but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind." 68 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,417 It could be the translation. 69 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,833 Maybe it makes more sense in the original French. 70 00:05:26,708 --> 00:05:28,500 Sunny, do we have the right projectile? 71 00:05:28,583 --> 00:05:31,083 Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, 72 00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:33,042 a word which here means "a person of the age 73 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,875 at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks," 74 00:05:35,958 --> 00:05:38,417 so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying. 75 00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:45,708 What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however, 76 00:05:45,792 --> 00:05:49,583 she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth. 77 00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:04,583 That's perfect, Sunny. Thank you. 78 00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:14,167 Excuse me, Violet, but why are you using your left hand? 79 00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:15,875 I'm curious to see if I can skip the rock 80 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:17,458 as far with my left as I can with my right. 81 00:06:17,542 --> 00:06:18,708 I don't mean to criticize, 82 00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:21,458 but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. 83 00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:24,167 You should use your standard right-handedness. 84 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,750 That does seem reasonable. 85 00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:37,792 Klaus, what's that thing Einstein said? 86 00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,750 "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. 87 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,250 It is the source of all true art and science." 88 00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:45,292 And what's that thing James Brown said? 89 00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:47,333 "I got something that makes me want to shout." 90 00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:50,125 "I've got something that tells me what it's all about." 91 00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:12,208 "I'm super bad!" 92 00:07:12,292 --> 00:07:13,500 It worked. 93 00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:16,042 I never expected otherwise. 94 00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,875 Yes, the invention worked. 95 00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:20,833 This would be a perfect time to leave 96 00:07:20,917 --> 00:07:24,125 and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful. 97 00:07:24,208 --> 00:07:25,833 I just wish Mother and Father had seen it. 98 00:07:25,917 --> 00:07:28,625 It's not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly. 99 00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:42,208 Certainly, I wish I could go back 100 00:07:42,292 --> 00:07:44,875 and change the history of the Baudelaires at this very moment 101 00:07:44,958 --> 00:07:48,458 rather than the descent into misery, tribulation and... 102 00:07:49,375 --> 00:07:53,083 dire inconvenience which will occur shortly. 103 00:07:55,917 --> 00:07:58,250 It only seems scary because of all the mist. 104 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,625 It's Mr. Poe. 105 00:08:04,708 --> 00:08:07,208 From the bank? What's he doing here? 106 00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:20,958 -How do you do? -How do you do? 107 00:08:22,458 --> 00:08:24,167 Fine, thank you. 108 00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:26,542 It's a nice day. 109 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,542 It is a nice day. 110 00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:32,125 I have some very bad news for you children. 111 00:08:32,208 --> 00:08:35,375 Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. 112 00:08:40,292 --> 00:08:43,792 They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. 113 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:51,167 I'm very, very sorry to have to tell you this... 114 00:08:51,917 --> 00:08:53,250 my dears. 115 00:08:57,958 --> 00:08:59,292 "Perished" means "killed." 116 00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:01,250 We know what "perished" means. 117 00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:08,708 Hey. 118 00:09:12,875 --> 00:09:16,333 I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep, 119 00:09:16,417 --> 00:09:20,000 trying to discover the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire. 120 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:38,625 But... all my associates and I have managed to learn 121 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:41,292 is that neither the official fire department 122 00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:45,625 nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to stop the blaze. 123 00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:48,125 And within moments, the entire Baudelaire mansion 124 00:09:48,208 --> 00:09:49,667 was engulfed in flames. 125 00:09:50,583 --> 00:09:54,375 It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus and Sunny felt 126 00:09:54,458 --> 00:09:56,083 in the time that followed. 127 00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:58,292 If you have ever lost somebody very important to you, 128 00:09:58,375 --> 00:09:59,833 then you already know how it feels. 129 00:09:59,917 --> 00:10:03,583 And if you haven't... you cannot possibly imagine it. 130 00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:25,333 I've never been through anything like this myself, 131 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,333 but I can imagine just how you feel. 132 00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:31,542 I did think you'd want to see what remains of your home, 133 00:10:31,625 --> 00:10:34,708 even though it is... more or less, um... 134 00:10:34,792 --> 00:10:36,542 It's all gone. 135 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:41,792 I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing... 136 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,417 We have absolutely nothing. 137 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,875 ...to worry about. 138 00:10:55,708 --> 00:10:58,250 I am the executor of your parents' estate, 139 00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:02,583 which means I'll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind. 140 00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:04,083 What did they leave behind? 141 00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:06,458 Financial security. 142 00:11:09,375 --> 00:11:13,583 Your parents left behind an enormous fortune, 143 00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,667 which will be yours when Violet comes of age. 144 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:20,125 Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians, 145 00:11:20,208 --> 00:11:24,375 as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management. 146 00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:43,750 Say goodbye, Baudelaires. 147 00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:06,208 Goodbye. 148 00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:15,292 Until we've identified your designated guardian, 149 00:12:15,375 --> 00:12:17,042 you'll stay with my family. 150 00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:19,042 That's not so bad, is it, Baudelaires? 151 00:12:19,125 --> 00:12:21,542 I'm sure you'll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert. 152 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,875 - It's a raven. - It's a crow! 153 00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:27,750 -It's a raven! -It's a crow! 154 00:12:27,833 --> 00:12:29,208 It's chicken. Boiled chicken. 155 00:12:29,292 --> 00:12:31,958 And we have boiled potatoes and blanched string beans. 156 00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:33,250 What does "blanched" mean? 157 00:12:33,333 --> 00:12:35,167 -It means "boiled." -Nobody asked you. 158 00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:36,667 Now, now, son. 159 00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:40,458 No, my darling, Albert is right. Nobody asked the Baudelaires. 160 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:41,958 But, honey, look! 161 00:12:42,042 --> 00:12:44,625 Dearest, maybe not in front of the children. 162 00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:47,167 But I thought it would cheer them up, the little Gloomy Guses. 163 00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:50,625 I had my star reporter write an article for the front page 164 00:12:50,708 --> 00:12:52,208 so that everyone will know 165 00:12:52,292 --> 00:12:54,708 your home was destroyed and you're orphans now. 166 00:12:54,792 --> 00:12:56,208 The front page! 167 00:12:56,292 --> 00:12:58,208 Some people wait a lifetime for that. 168 00:12:58,292 --> 00:13:01,958 And darling, look... you're mentioned, too! 169 00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:11,667 "Generosity shown by prominent member of the banking community." 170 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,958 If your bosses at the bank see this, it may spell 171 00:13:14,042 --> 00:13:17,250 P-R-O-M-A-T-I-O-N! 172 00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:18,833 -Promation? -Promotion! 173 00:13:18,917 --> 00:13:21,000 - No, that's not how you spell "promotion." - Promotion. 174 00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:23,458 -P-R-O... P-R-R... -P-R-O-M-A-E-O-- 175 00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:25,333 -See? I've been saying it-- -Honey, P-R-R... 176 00:13:25,417 --> 00:13:26,500 Listen to what I'm saying... 177 00:13:26,583 --> 00:13:28,167 -I'm sorry. -...before you start speaking! 178 00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:30,500 - P-R-O-- - I don't... feel very hungry. 179 00:13:32,875 --> 00:13:34,000 May we go to our rooms? 180 00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:36,875 "Rooms"? 181 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:41,125 -Good night, Edgar. -Good night, Albert. 182 00:13:42,375 --> 00:13:45,250 -Good night, Albert. -Good night, Edgar. 183 00:13:47,208 --> 00:13:48,750 And good night, guests. 184 00:13:49,958 --> 00:13:53,875 You must feel terrible, and you must miss your parents very much. 185 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:55,750 We do. 186 00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:56,917 You do what? 187 00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:58,833 Say it. 188 00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:03,250 We feel terrible, and we miss our parents very much. 189 00:14:04,625 --> 00:14:07,875 That's gonna make a wonderful headline. 190 00:14:15,292 --> 00:14:18,417 Good night, Baudelaires. Remember, our home is your home. 191 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:19,875 But don't touch anything. 192 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,333 How'd you do it? 193 00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:32,833 Do what? 194 00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:35,000 Set the fire. 195 00:14:46,042 --> 00:14:50,208 In the years since, I've inquired what became of the Brothers Poe. 196 00:14:50,292 --> 00:14:52,833 One followed his father into the world of banking. 197 00:14:52,917 --> 00:14:55,375 The other lives in a cave and talks to sheep. 198 00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,333 They each think the other has it better. 199 00:14:59,375 --> 00:15:04,667 I regret to inform you, the Baudelaires' fate was worse. 200 00:15:20,125 --> 00:15:21,417 Chop-chop, Baudelaires! 201 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,417 Now that I've found you a suitable guardian, 202 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:26,792 I'm going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin. 203 00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:38,458 I know you must be nervous about living with a guardian. 204 00:15:38,542 --> 00:15:40,833 I remember how I was when I was your age. 205 00:15:40,917 --> 00:15:42,167 We're all different ages. 206 00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,583 Well, I should think at least a fraction of your unhappiness 207 00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,958 will turn to excitement when you meet this man. 208 00:15:47,042 --> 00:15:49,417 I know he's certainly very eager to meet you. 209 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:53,000 And he's employed as an actor, so you know his excitement is genuine. 210 00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:55,875 His name is Count Olaf. 211 00:15:55,958 --> 00:15:58,417 -Never heard of him. -He's either... Let's see. What is it? 212 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:02,375 Your third cousin fourth time removed, or your fourth cousin three times removed. 213 00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:03,750 In any case, he's removed. 214 00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:07,250 Still, he's only three miles away, and your parents' will was very specific 215 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,500 about your being raised by your closest living relative. 216 00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:12,583 Does he really think that's what "closest living relative" means? 217 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:13,833 -Mr. Poe? -Hmm? 218 00:16:13,917 --> 00:16:15,375 If he lives so close by, 219 00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,375 why didn't our parents ever invite him over? 220 00:16:17,458 --> 00:16:19,417 Possibly because he was very busy. 221 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,792 As a banker, I'm often very busy myself. 222 00:16:21,875 --> 00:16:25,917 Which is why this guardian drop-off is going to be a bit hasty. 223 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,125 "Hasty" means "quickly," because I'm due at the bank soon. 224 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,292 We know what "hasty" means. 225 00:16:37,208 --> 00:16:40,875 Hello there! Salutations! Shalom! 226 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,833 You must be the Baudelaire children! 227 00:16:43,917 --> 00:16:45,417 Yes, I'm Violet Baudelaire, 228 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,792 and this is my brother, Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny. 229 00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:50,583 And this is Mr. Poe. He's been arranging things for us. 230 00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:53,833 Mulctuary Money Management. My name and title are on the card. 231 00:16:53,917 --> 00:16:57,375 Although I may be in line for a promotion, so that might change. 232 00:16:57,458 --> 00:16:59,958 Oh, well, I am Justice Strauss of the High Court. 233 00:17:00,042 --> 00:17:02,000 Forgive my not shaking hands, but as you can see, 234 00:17:02,083 --> 00:17:03,542 I am a mountain of parcels. 235 00:17:03,625 --> 00:17:06,667 I just bought a new toolkit because my food processor broke. 236 00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:08,542 Although I don't know who I think I'm kidding, 237 00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:12,125 because I have no inventive or mechanical skill whatsoever. 238 00:17:12,208 --> 00:17:16,042 Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library, 239 00:17:16,125 --> 00:17:18,792 and frankly I don't have an acute literary sense. 240 00:17:18,875 --> 00:17:23,750 And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife. 241 00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:26,250 It means I have no possible way of cutting up this baguette 242 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,792 into bite-sized pieces, 243 00:17:27,875 --> 00:17:29,667 which is really unfortunate 244 00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:32,458 because I was gonna take the bread that was cut up 245 00:17:32,542 --> 00:17:34,292 with a white bean hummus-- 246 00:17:34,375 --> 00:17:36,917 We'd be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss. 247 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:42,000 My sister is very mechanically minded, and I'm quite adept at library science. 248 00:17:44,708 --> 00:17:47,792 What my sister means is her teeth are perfect for slicing bread. 249 00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:50,917 Well, how wonderful! 250 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,292 How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life? 251 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,667 Are you Count Olaf's wife? 252 00:17:56,750 --> 00:17:57,875 What? 253 00:17:57,958 --> 00:18:00,042 Oh! Oh, no! 254 00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:02,583 No. No. Goodness me, no. 255 00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,958 No, I don't even really know him that well. 256 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,792 He's... he's just my neighbor. 257 00:18:06,875 --> 00:18:09,333 His house is over there. 258 00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:36,625 That's strange. 259 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:40,833 He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you. 260 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,000 Oh. 261 00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:56,292 Hello. No. 262 00:18:56,375 --> 00:18:57,875 Hello. 263 00:18:57,958 --> 00:18:59,417 Hello, hello, hello. 264 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,750 Hello. Hello. 265 00:19:09,375 --> 00:19:13,000 Hello, hello, hello, children. 266 00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:26,083 I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor and your new guardian. 267 00:19:29,208 --> 00:19:30,208 You're welcome. 268 00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:32,375 Thank you. 269 00:19:32,458 --> 00:19:33,792 You're welcome. 270 00:19:33,875 --> 00:19:37,000 Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat 271 00:19:37,083 --> 00:19:38,500 so you don't track in any mud. 272 00:19:38,583 --> 00:19:40,917 And don't forget your enormous fortune! 273 00:19:47,250 --> 00:19:50,542 Welcome to my humble home, orphans. 274 00:19:51,417 --> 00:19:52,500 And... 275 00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:56,375 -a man with a hat on. -Poe. 276 00:19:56,458 --> 00:19:58,917 Actually, I'm about to be rather wealthy. So if you'll excuse me-- 277 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,333 No, we spoke on the phone. I'm from Mulctuary Money Management. 278 00:20:02,417 --> 00:20:04,667 Hmm. "Money" sounds familiar, but-- 279 00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:06,208 The bank. I'm from the bank. 280 00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:08,208 Ah, yes, the bank. 281 00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:10,958 Well, welcome to my humble home. 282 00:20:14,917 --> 00:20:18,083 It does seem to need a little work. 283 00:20:19,542 --> 00:20:23,875 Well, I realize it's not as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, 284 00:20:23,958 --> 00:20:26,167 but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money, 285 00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,625 we'll be able to fix it up, make it nicer. 286 00:20:28,708 --> 00:20:31,333 Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. 287 00:20:31,417 --> 00:20:34,458 The Baudelaire will is very specific as to how the children are to be raised 288 00:20:34,542 --> 00:20:36,000 in case of an unfortunate event. 289 00:20:36,083 --> 00:20:38,042 Ah, yes, the fire. 290 00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:39,708 They're to be raised by their closest relative. 291 00:20:39,792 --> 00:20:40,833 That is I, Count Olaf. 292 00:20:40,917 --> 00:20:44,750 And every cent of the Baudelaire fortune is locked up until Violet comes of age. 293 00:20:45,917 --> 00:20:48,083 - Which one is Violet? - The eldest. 294 00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:52,542 All right, then. 295 00:20:52,625 --> 00:20:56,708 Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had. 296 00:20:56,792 --> 00:20:57,833 We had a father. 297 00:20:57,917 --> 00:21:00,458 Yes, I know. And a mother. 298 00:21:00,542 --> 00:21:02,583 Remarkable woman. Flammable. 299 00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:07,208 So, Poe, do I need to sign for them or something? 300 00:21:07,292 --> 00:21:08,833 What? No. No. 301 00:21:08,917 --> 00:21:13,875 Well, then, as we say in the theater, exit stage right. 302 00:21:13,958 --> 00:21:16,792 Goodbye, Violet. Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye, Sunny. 303 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:19,708 I hope you'll be happy here. I'll still check in on you occasionally. 304 00:21:19,792 --> 00:21:22,750 If you need anything or have questions, you can reach me at the bank. 305 00:21:30,125 --> 00:21:33,542 Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, 306 00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,958 aren't you going to say "How do you do?" 307 00:21:36,042 --> 00:21:37,667 to your new guardian? 308 00:21:38,458 --> 00:21:39,542 How do you do? 309 00:21:41,792 --> 00:21:43,333 How do I do? 310 00:21:45,917 --> 00:21:50,417 Better and better, Baudelaires. 311 00:21:51,333 --> 00:21:54,917 Better and better. 312 00:21:56,375 --> 00:21:58,625 The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend 313 00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:02,250 has haunted me since I first met him as a young man. 314 00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:05,208 And every night when I continue my work on the Baudelaire case, 315 00:22:05,292 --> 00:22:09,333 I find myself weeping thinking of his utter wickedness 316 00:22:09,417 --> 00:22:12,167 and severe lack of theatrical talent. 317 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:17,083 -Do you know what this is? -It looks like a list. 318 00:22:17,167 --> 00:22:20,417 Wrong! It's a list. A list of chores. 319 00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:22,500 Rich brats like you are probably spoiled rotten 320 00:22:22,583 --> 00:22:24,292 and have never done a chore in your life. 321 00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:26,417 Actually, we often help around the house. 322 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:28,667 Really? Did you help around the house? That's great. 323 00:22:28,750 --> 00:22:31,167 Well, welcome to your lucky life. 324 00:22:31,250 --> 00:22:34,958 Come with me, and I'll show you the delightful features of your home. 325 00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:43,500 This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. 326 00:22:43,583 --> 00:22:47,083 I expect you to keep everything gleamingly clean. 327 00:22:47,167 --> 00:22:48,458 "Gleamingly"? 328 00:22:49,083 --> 00:22:50,792 Clean. 329 00:22:50,875 --> 00:22:52,750 The stove is a bit like a servant. 330 00:22:52,833 --> 00:22:54,708 You have to whack it sometimes... 331 00:22:54,792 --> 00:22:56,000 ...to get it to work. 332 00:23:00,042 --> 00:23:03,583 This is the library, which you will keep well-dusted. 333 00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,333 This is where I do all my reading. 334 00:23:12,750 --> 00:23:14,542 I don't use the ballroom at all. 335 00:23:14,625 --> 00:23:16,375 You'll have to redo the floors. 336 00:23:18,542 --> 00:23:22,750 Laundry room. You can hang my underwear on that rack when you're done washing it. 337 00:23:26,458 --> 00:23:29,583 This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing and pruning. 338 00:23:29,667 --> 00:23:31,583 It is also where you will chop wood. 339 00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,333 Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. 340 00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:43,042 It has all the usual amenities, 341 00:23:43,125 --> 00:23:45,000 though the management regrets to inform you 342 00:23:45,083 --> 00:23:47,083 that the shampoo is not tear-free. 343 00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:49,208 If anything, it encourages tears. 344 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,125 Rats bite. 345 00:23:55,458 --> 00:23:58,375 And this is where you will sleep, orphans. 346 00:24:00,250 --> 00:24:03,583 Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, 347 00:24:03,667 --> 00:24:06,458 I have chose this one for your safety and comfort. 348 00:24:06,542 --> 00:24:07,750 There's only one bed. 349 00:24:08,417 --> 00:24:11,792 As you can see, I have provided, at no cost to you, 350 00:24:11,875 --> 00:24:14,417 this complimentary pile of rocks. 351 00:24:25,542 --> 00:24:26,542 Thoughts? 352 00:24:27,417 --> 00:24:29,292 Thoughts? First of all-- 353 00:24:29,375 --> 00:24:32,625 First of all, first impressions are often wrong. 354 00:24:32,708 --> 00:24:34,208 Very true. 355 00:24:34,292 --> 00:24:38,500 For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. 356 00:24:38,583 --> 00:24:43,083 But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... 357 00:24:45,833 --> 00:24:50,250 you haven't the faintest idea. 358 00:24:55,917 --> 00:24:57,708 I'll give you a moment to unpack. 359 00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:05,958 It's okay, Sunny, he's gone. 360 00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:07,958 He's horrible. 361 00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:09,875 Did you see the tattoo on his ankle? 362 00:25:09,958 --> 00:25:12,083 A tattoo is just a decorative pigment on skin. 363 00:25:12,167 --> 00:25:14,292 It's not a sign of a wicked person. 364 00:25:14,375 --> 00:25:17,125 Unless it's on a wicked person. 365 00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:19,708 How could our parents put us here? 366 00:25:19,792 --> 00:25:22,542 It's just a mistake. It'll get sorted out. 367 00:25:22,625 --> 00:25:26,333 Until then, we'll make this our home. 368 00:25:26,917 --> 00:25:29,375 Mother used to say, "Home is where you hang your hat." 369 00:25:30,292 --> 00:25:31,833 But we don't have any hats. 370 00:25:32,667 --> 00:25:33,667 Just rocks. 371 00:25:34,208 --> 00:25:38,750 Klaus, have you read any books on people who make homes in difficult places? 372 00:25:39,333 --> 00:25:41,000 There's a village in the Pacific Islands 373 00:25:41,083 --> 00:25:43,250 suspended on ropes above an active volcano. 374 00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:45,500 How do they manage? 375 00:25:46,208 --> 00:25:48,958 They own very little in case it erupts. 376 00:25:49,042 --> 00:25:51,167 Then we're already one step ahead. 377 00:25:51,708 --> 00:25:53,583 We own nothing. 378 00:25:54,708 --> 00:25:58,167 If they can survive that, we can survive Count Olaf. 379 00:26:02,042 --> 00:26:03,292 Showtime! 380 00:26:05,917 --> 00:26:10,625 Remember, if you work extra hard, you get to go to the ball... room... 381 00:26:10,708 --> 00:26:12,292 which is even grimier. 382 00:26:13,167 --> 00:26:14,667 Hang on to your toothbrushes. 383 00:26:14,750 --> 00:26:16,542 You'll need them for your teeth. 384 00:26:16,625 --> 00:26:20,083 Stay here. And not a peep. 385 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:29,000 You're a little old for a Girl Scout. 386 00:26:29,083 --> 00:26:30,792 I'm Justice Strauss. 387 00:26:31,458 --> 00:26:32,375 Doesn't ring a bell. 388 00:26:32,458 --> 00:26:35,000 I'm your neighbor. I... I live across the street. 389 00:26:35,667 --> 00:26:37,167 You've done something different to your hair. 390 00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:38,292 May I come in? 391 00:26:38,375 --> 00:26:39,458 Is this about the children? 392 00:26:39,542 --> 00:26:42,750 I apologize for the noise. I told them to cry using their inside voices. 393 00:26:42,833 --> 00:26:44,042 -What? -Hmm? 394 00:26:44,792 --> 00:26:47,542 I... I just thought I'd stop by and see how they're doing. 395 00:26:47,625 --> 00:26:50,833 I know it's a little soon, but I'm about to become very busy 396 00:26:50,917 --> 00:26:52,750 with a difficult case in High Court. 397 00:26:52,833 --> 00:26:54,708 I'm not supposed to talk about it, 398 00:26:54,792 --> 00:27:00,208 but I can tell you that it involved an illegal use of someone's credit card... 399 00:27:00,292 --> 00:27:01,958 and a poisonous plant. 400 00:27:03,750 --> 00:27:05,667 I made them this lamb. 401 00:27:09,375 --> 00:27:11,042 How neighborly. 402 00:27:12,042 --> 00:27:14,625 I don't mean to seem like a lonely woman 403 00:27:14,708 --> 00:27:17,792 who's overinvested in the lives of someone else's children... 404 00:27:17,875 --> 00:27:19,375 You do have that aura. 405 00:27:20,042 --> 00:27:22,292 Perhaps if I just pop in for a quick hello-- 406 00:27:22,375 --> 00:27:25,250 - Now is not a good time. - They're in one of their moods. 407 00:27:25,333 --> 00:27:26,750 They seemed so sweet. 408 00:27:26,833 --> 00:27:29,333 Do you have children, Justice Strauss? 409 00:27:29,417 --> 00:27:30,667 Me? 410 00:27:30,750 --> 00:27:32,292 Oh, no. No. 411 00:27:32,375 --> 00:27:36,458 No, I always hoped I would, but I'm married to the law, 412 00:27:36,542 --> 00:27:40,125 and you can't very well have book babies... 413 00:27:41,125 --> 00:27:42,667 now, can you? 414 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:45,500 Well, you dodged a bullet. 415 00:27:45,583 --> 00:27:48,333 Let me tell you, those children are monsters. 416 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:52,208 I open my home to them, and all they do is complain. 417 00:27:52,292 --> 00:27:54,125 "The bathroom is filthy. 418 00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:57,208 The rat is noisy. The bed is cramped." 419 00:27:57,292 --> 00:27:59,750 I think living in a mansion has spoiled them. 420 00:27:59,833 --> 00:28:01,625 Well, they did just lose their-- 421 00:28:01,708 --> 00:28:02,958 Did you say "bed"? 422 00:28:03,042 --> 00:28:06,583 I meant "bed" as in "more than one bed," obviously. 423 00:28:06,667 --> 00:28:09,042 The plural of "bed" is... "bed." 424 00:28:09,125 --> 00:28:11,083 Well, I wouldn't know. I live alone. 425 00:28:11,167 --> 00:28:12,417 No kidding. 426 00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:15,417 At least give them the lamb. 427 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:18,292 I made my own mint jelly and... 428 00:28:18,375 --> 00:28:21,708 Please, just ask them if they'd like to see me. 429 00:28:23,167 --> 00:28:25,083 Fine. 430 00:28:25,167 --> 00:28:29,125 But wait here, for your own safety. They tend to throw things. 431 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:36,708 You missed a spot. 432 00:28:56,667 --> 00:28:57,625 Oh! 433 00:28:58,042 --> 00:28:59,458 They don't want to see you. 434 00:28:59,542 --> 00:29:01,333 Are you sure? What did they say? 435 00:29:01,417 --> 00:29:03,458 "The lamb was too salty." 436 00:29:03,542 --> 00:29:04,708 Rich kids. 437 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:08,458 Oh... I see. 438 00:29:09,167 --> 00:29:12,250 If only Justice Strauss had been able to get past Count Olaf, 439 00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:15,250 if only she'd seen the children in their horrible circumstances, 440 00:29:15,333 --> 00:29:19,250 if only this world weren't such a wicked and topsy-turvy place... 441 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,542 this story might have turned out differently. 442 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,250 I never wanna use a toothbrush again. 443 00:29:34,833 --> 00:29:37,333 Why aren't you cleaning? My list was very specific. 444 00:29:37,417 --> 00:29:38,750 We finished it. 445 00:29:43,542 --> 00:29:44,583 No, you didn't. 446 00:29:45,833 --> 00:29:47,167 We even washed your underwear. 447 00:29:48,250 --> 00:29:49,833 You missed one. 448 00:29:49,917 --> 00:29:53,833 You still have to prepare a large meal for myself and my theater troupe. 449 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,167 We don't know how to prepare a large dinner. 450 00:29:57,333 --> 00:29:59,458 Plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, 451 00:29:59,542 --> 00:30:03,667 prepare the food, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, 452 00:30:03,750 --> 00:30:05,167 and stay out of our way. 453 00:30:05,250 --> 00:30:07,250 How can we purchase anything? We don't have any money. 454 00:30:12,417 --> 00:30:13,417 Do you know what that is? 455 00:30:13,500 --> 00:30:15,792 -Something greasy. -Money. 456 00:30:15,875 --> 00:30:18,000 Hard-earned money. 457 00:30:18,083 --> 00:30:22,583 The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm. 458 00:30:22,667 --> 00:30:26,667 Since the bossy banker won't let us use any of your parents' enormous fortune, 459 00:30:26,750 --> 00:30:30,417 I am now forced to cough up my own earnings 460 00:30:30,500 --> 00:30:33,792 from theatrical performances and the occasional bit of consulting work. 461 00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:36,583 Now... quick. Get a move on. 462 00:30:36,667 --> 00:30:38,167 The troupe will be here at 7:00. 463 00:30:38,250 --> 00:30:40,208 And in the meantime, I will be up in... 464 00:30:40,917 --> 00:30:41,750 Can you guess? 465 00:30:41,833 --> 00:30:43,083 Your secret tower room? 466 00:30:43,167 --> 00:30:46,042 Wrong! My secret tower room. 467 00:30:46,125 --> 00:30:49,208 Which you are forbidden to go into. Understood? Forbidden! 468 00:30:49,292 --> 00:30:51,625 -Forbidden. -That's... Yes. 469 00:30:58,833 --> 00:31:01,833 How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe? 470 00:31:02,333 --> 00:31:03,667 We start with a recipe. 471 00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:06,208 Do you think Justice Strauss' library has any cookbooks? 472 00:31:22,958 --> 00:31:26,500 Baudelaires. I wasn't expecting to see you. 473 00:31:26,583 --> 00:31:28,667 We meant to come sooner. We've been cleaning. 474 00:31:28,750 --> 00:31:31,875 Yes, Count Olaf told me you were very particular about that. 475 00:31:31,958 --> 00:31:34,375 I hope you appreciate how much he's doing for you. 476 00:31:34,458 --> 00:31:37,125 I wouldn't say "much." 477 00:31:37,208 --> 00:31:40,667 Well, perhaps not compared to what you're used to. 478 00:31:40,750 --> 00:31:42,042 What can I do for you? 479 00:31:42,125 --> 00:31:44,625 Actually, Justice Strauss, we really need your help. 480 00:31:44,708 --> 00:31:45,750 You do? 481 00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:48,125 My sisters and I were wondering... 482 00:31:49,042 --> 00:31:50,750 Wondering what? 483 00:31:50,833 --> 00:31:52,708 If we might use your library. 484 00:31:52,792 --> 00:31:55,542 If you might use my library. 485 00:31:58,167 --> 00:32:01,000 Is there any book you're looking for in particular? 486 00:32:01,583 --> 00:32:03,833 A cookbook, so we can make dinner. 487 00:32:03,917 --> 00:32:05,917 I suppose anything but lamb. 488 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:10,000 Well, my private library is open to you whenever you'd like. 489 00:32:10,083 --> 00:32:13,000 It's mostly law books, but there are sections on everything 490 00:32:13,083 --> 00:32:17,000 from Italian cuisine to the world's most threatening fungus. 491 00:32:25,542 --> 00:32:30,208 I suppose it's not as nice as the libraries you're used to, but... 492 00:32:30,292 --> 00:32:32,042 -It's marvelous. -It's wonderful. 493 00:32:32,125 --> 00:32:33,750 Do you really think so? 494 00:32:33,833 --> 00:32:35,958 That means she likes it. 495 00:32:36,042 --> 00:32:38,042 Well, I'm so glad. 496 00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:41,583 The cookbooks are over there in Section G, 497 00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:45,667 and right here is my favorite table for serious research. 498 00:32:46,417 --> 00:32:49,083 Do you have a paper and pencil to take notes? 499 00:32:49,167 --> 00:32:50,417 Always. 500 00:32:50,500 --> 00:32:53,333 - What's that? - It’s something my parents had. 501 00:32:53,417 --> 00:32:55,083 -What is it? -I don't know. 502 00:32:57,125 --> 00:32:58,167 Hmm. 503 00:33:01,625 --> 00:33:06,083 Something, Klaus Baudelaire, is ringing a very faint bell. 504 00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:11,583 A library is like an island in a vast sea of ignorance. 505 00:33:11,667 --> 00:33:12,750 Don't you agree? 506 00:33:12,833 --> 00:33:17,667 I do. Particularly if the library is tall and the surrounded area has been flooded. 507 00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:19,083 That's a very good point. 508 00:33:19,167 --> 00:33:20,500 These books look promising. 509 00:33:20,583 --> 00:33:24,042 Klaus, help your sister. Let me see what I can find here. 510 00:33:25,125 --> 00:33:27,167 I think I found something. Pasta puttanesca. 511 00:33:27,250 --> 00:33:28,750 I wonder what that means in Italian. 512 00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:31,167 All we have to do is sauté garlics and onions in a pot, 513 00:33:31,250 --> 00:33:35,083 and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes to simmer. 514 00:33:35,167 --> 00:33:36,333 We still need the pasta. 515 00:33:37,250 --> 00:33:39,708 I saw a pasta machine in Count Olaf's kitchen. 516 00:33:39,792 --> 00:33:42,292 -Looked broken, but I think I can fix it. -What do we have here? 517 00:33:42,375 --> 00:33:43,375 Justice Strauss? 518 00:33:43,458 --> 00:33:45,500 -Yes? -Is there a supermarket nearby? 519 00:33:45,583 --> 00:33:48,167 Oh... no. 520 00:33:48,250 --> 00:33:53,042 But there is a local open-air market and gin distillery. 521 00:33:59,042 --> 00:34:00,792 Thanks again for taking us. 522 00:34:00,875 --> 00:34:02,708 I don't know what we would have done without you. 523 00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,500 Oh, you're resourceful children. 524 00:34:04,583 --> 00:34:06,875 I daresay you would have thought of something. 525 00:34:07,417 --> 00:34:09,542 I think it's nice that you're cooking dinner 526 00:34:09,625 --> 00:34:12,708 for Count Olaf and your new theatrical family. 527 00:34:12,792 --> 00:34:15,667 I had dreams of becoming an actress, you know. 528 00:34:15,750 --> 00:34:18,917 An actress and a mother, instead of ending up 529 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:21,708 as a world-renowned member of the judiciary... 530 00:34:21,792 --> 00:34:26,375 and in a series of strained, platonic relationships. 531 00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:38,667 Baudelaires? 532 00:34:39,375 --> 00:34:43,250 I always find cooking for family to be something of a mitzvah. 533 00:34:43,333 --> 00:34:44,500 Do you know what that means? 534 00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:46,083 -Commandment? -Blessing. 535 00:34:47,125 --> 00:34:50,417 You children have had such sorrow in your lives already, 536 00:34:50,500 --> 00:34:55,167 you deserve the blessing of a new family with Count Olaf, 537 00:34:55,250 --> 00:34:57,917 and, if you don't mind my saying so... 538 00:34:59,125 --> 00:34:59,958 with me. 539 00:35:00,042 --> 00:35:03,042 We don't mind your saying so. 540 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,375 Klaus, what's that thing James Brown said? 541 00:35:22,083 --> 00:35:23,250 "I feel good." 542 00:35:23,333 --> 00:35:25,708 And a one, and a two, and a... 543 00:36:48,083 --> 00:36:49,875 Yes, we've met. 544 00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:57,208 Orphans... 545 00:36:57,292 --> 00:36:58,750 ...this is my theater troupe. 546 00:36:58,833 --> 00:37:00,042 -Hi. -Hi. 547 00:37:00,125 --> 00:37:01,792 - Hi. - Hello. 548 00:37:01,875 --> 00:37:05,833 And as anyone in the theater knows, after a grand entrance, 549 00:37:05,917 --> 00:37:08,542 the audience is supposed to applaud. 550 00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:10,125 "Applaud" means go like this. 551 00:37:11,167 --> 00:37:12,625 We're not an audience. 552 00:37:12,708 --> 00:37:16,542 No, orphans, you are not. 553 00:37:16,625 --> 00:37:20,667 But we have been preparing an exciting new production 554 00:37:20,750 --> 00:37:23,750 that, on opening night, will change your life. 555 00:37:23,833 --> 00:37:28,542 All of the artistic and financial aspects of my career are finally coming together 556 00:37:28,625 --> 00:37:32,208 like two pieces of a bread in the middle of a sandwich. 557 00:37:35,250 --> 00:37:36,792 What my sister means is that-- 558 00:37:36,875 --> 00:37:38,167 I don't care what she means. 559 00:37:38,250 --> 00:37:40,042 I don't have time to learn a second language 560 00:37:40,125 --> 00:37:42,250 besides whatever it is I'm speaking right now. 561 00:37:42,333 --> 00:37:46,333 In any case, we demand congratulations. 562 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,708 Congratulations. 563 00:37:51,208 --> 00:37:52,667 A big round of applause. 564 00:37:56,208 --> 00:37:59,750 And the delicious meal that you promised myself and my troupe. 565 00:38:02,375 --> 00:38:04,083 You know, every time she talks, 566 00:38:04,167 --> 00:38:07,208 it's like the tines of a fork are being jammed into my-- 567 00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:09,208 What my sister means is, dinner will be served shortly. 568 00:38:09,292 --> 00:38:10,583 What are we supposed to do until then? 569 00:38:10,667 --> 00:38:13,917 -We could wait patiently. -How about some wine, Olaf? 570 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,125 Yes, yes, wine. We had that nice rosé last time. 571 00:38:16,208 --> 00:38:18,250 It wasn't rosé, it was just watered down. 572 00:38:18,792 --> 00:38:21,375 Okay, fine. I'll open up a box of the Merlote. 573 00:38:31,333 --> 00:38:34,875 An associate of mine named Brillat-Savarin famously said, 574 00:38:34,958 --> 00:38:38,875 "To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible 575 00:38:38,958 --> 00:38:41,667 for their well-being as long as they are under our roofs." 576 00:38:42,375 --> 00:38:45,333 But he was an 18th century philosopher and gourmand... 577 00:38:46,667 --> 00:38:50,083 and these were three children with very little catering experience. 578 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:59,083 Nevertheless, the Baudelaire orphans snapped into action. 579 00:38:59,167 --> 00:39:02,542 This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jefferson. 580 00:39:02,625 --> 00:39:03,625 Will it work? 581 00:39:04,833 --> 00:39:06,750 It will now. 582 00:39:06,833 --> 00:39:09,042 I wonder if Count Olaf's troupe will enjoy this meal. 583 00:39:09,125 --> 00:39:11,250 Mother said that actors will eat anything. 584 00:39:11,708 --> 00:39:14,375 You've seen them perform. Would you call them actors? 585 00:39:14,458 --> 00:39:16,750 They're all as talented as Count Olaf. 586 00:39:16,833 --> 00:39:18,625 While they waited for the pasta to boil, 587 00:39:18,708 --> 00:39:21,500 Violet sautéed the garlic, and washed and chopped the anchovies. 588 00:39:21,583 --> 00:39:24,083 Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. 589 00:39:24,167 --> 00:39:25,792 And Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, 590 00:39:25,875 --> 00:39:28,958 singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself. 591 00:39:31,875 --> 00:39:33,958 By the time it was time for the youngest Baudelaire 592 00:39:34,042 --> 00:39:35,625 to chop the parsley with her teeth... 593 00:39:38,208 --> 00:39:41,292 all three children felt less miserable than they had... 594 00:39:41,792 --> 00:39:44,125 since they first came to Count Olaf's. 595 00:39:44,208 --> 00:39:46,458 I think Dad would be proud of this sauce. 596 00:39:46,542 --> 00:39:48,583 And I think Mom would be proud of how you made your own pasta. 597 00:39:50,083 --> 00:39:53,042 Maybe we can make this our home after all. 598 00:39:53,958 --> 00:39:56,542 Remember what Father said when he burnt the quesadillas? 599 00:39:56,625 --> 00:39:57,667 Yeah. 600 00:39:58,792 --> 00:39:59,875 "Better than nothing." 601 00:40:04,083 --> 00:40:08,542 At times like these, surrounded by colleagues and cohorts, 602 00:40:08,625 --> 00:40:12,667 gathered in fellowship for the purpose of plotting theater, 603 00:40:12,750 --> 00:40:16,375 there's an eternal question that always springs to mind... 604 00:40:17,333 --> 00:40:20,125 When are we going to eat? 605 00:40:24,458 --> 00:40:25,625 Dinner is served. 606 00:40:25,708 --> 00:40:28,625 -Wow, that was quick. -And it smells delicious. 607 00:40:28,708 --> 00:40:31,000 I mean... 608 00:40:32,500 --> 00:40:36,625 As I was saying, before the help interrupted... 609 00:40:38,250 --> 00:40:41,083 there is no "I" in acting... 610 00:40:41,708 --> 00:40:45,042 no selfish urges, no arrogance, 611 00:40:45,125 --> 00:40:47,833 no ego, no vanity, 612 00:40:47,917 --> 00:40:52,292 no dangerous overabundance of inflated self-regard. 613 00:40:53,208 --> 00:40:58,292 There is only what the French call a certain... "escargot." 614 00:40:58,375 --> 00:40:59,458 Mmm-hmm. 615 00:40:59,542 --> 00:41:03,750 It is the first burst of applause when the curtain rises. 616 00:41:03,833 --> 00:41:06,500 The second burst of applause 617 00:41:06,583 --> 00:41:10,458 when the leading man glides out from the wings, 618 00:41:10,542 --> 00:41:14,958 faces his crowd and recites the-- 619 00:41:15,042 --> 00:41:16,750 Soliloquy. 620 00:41:18,333 --> 00:41:21,917 I'm... That's... His soliloquy. 621 00:41:22,833 --> 00:41:27,042 It is the thrill of the 14th mandatory standing ovation. 622 00:41:27,917 --> 00:41:31,542 I give and I give to my public 623 00:41:31,625 --> 00:41:35,958 just as I give and I give to these orphans. 624 00:41:36,042 --> 00:41:39,125 But sometimes, and every actor does this, 625 00:41:39,208 --> 00:41:41,625 I ask myself, "Is it worth it? 626 00:41:42,125 --> 00:41:45,333 Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune?" 627 00:41:45,417 --> 00:41:46,750 Boss... 628 00:41:49,542 --> 00:41:51,417 -Where's the roast beef? -What? 629 00:41:54,333 --> 00:41:56,917 The roast beef. 630 00:41:57,000 --> 00:42:01,208 We didn't make any roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce. 631 00:42:01,292 --> 00:42:02,667 And homemade pasta. 632 00:42:02,750 --> 00:42:05,125 What? No roast beef? 633 00:42:05,208 --> 00:42:07,917 You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef. 634 00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:09,458 Look at my guests! 635 00:42:09,542 --> 00:42:13,167 They... they can hardly touch this revolting foreign food. 636 00:42:21,625 --> 00:42:27,458 In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. 637 00:42:27,542 --> 00:42:33,083 And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with. 638 00:42:33,167 --> 00:42:35,750 You can't go easy on children. They need to be taught to obey their elders. 639 00:42:35,833 --> 00:42:37,083 You asked them to make dinner. 640 00:42:37,167 --> 00:42:39,583 And all they did was slap together some disgusting sauce. 641 00:42:39,667 --> 00:42:43,333 That's what happens with wealthy kids. Money is really a corrupting influence. 642 00:42:43,417 --> 00:42:44,958 Well, let's not get carried away. 643 00:42:45,625 --> 00:42:47,667 Hmm. You're a pretty little one. 644 00:42:47,750 --> 00:42:51,875 I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests! 645 00:42:51,958 --> 00:42:55,125 We don't have any. We made pasta puttanesca. 646 00:42:59,500 --> 00:43:00,875 - Sunny! - Put her down. 647 00:43:00,958 --> 00:43:04,333 Alas, poor Sunny. 648 00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:08,417 Let her go! 649 00:43:14,167 --> 00:43:15,667 Oh, oh. 650 00:43:25,292 --> 00:43:29,208 This table is a mess. There's hardly a place to put down a baby. 651 00:43:31,500 --> 00:43:32,625 Sunny! 652 00:43:36,458 --> 00:43:38,000 We're leaving for rehearsals. 653 00:43:38,083 --> 00:43:39,500 But the baby said there was chocolate pudding! 654 00:43:39,583 --> 00:43:40,750 Shh. 655 00:43:40,833 --> 00:43:43,333 You children are to clean the table, 656 00:43:43,417 --> 00:43:46,000 and wash the dishes, and polish the silver, 657 00:43:46,083 --> 00:43:48,375 and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling. 658 00:43:48,458 --> 00:43:50,458 And then you are to go straight to your beds. 659 00:43:50,542 --> 00:43:52,083 You mean our bed? 660 00:43:52,792 --> 00:43:54,833 You've only provided us with one bed. 661 00:43:56,250 --> 00:43:58,583 If you want another bed, 662 00:43:58,667 --> 00:44:01,708 tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one. 663 00:44:01,792 --> 00:44:03,625 You know perfectly well we haven't any money. 664 00:44:03,708 --> 00:44:05,583 Hmm. Of course you do. 665 00:44:05,667 --> 00:44:10,500 You three lucky orphans are inheriting an enormous fortune. 666 00:44:10,583 --> 00:44:13,208 The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet-- 667 00:44:24,042 --> 00:44:25,750 The theater awaits. 668 00:44:36,708 --> 00:44:39,083 - Are you all right? - No. 669 00:44:40,208 --> 00:44:42,208 -This isn't. -What? 670 00:44:43,458 --> 00:44:45,750 Better than nothing. 671 00:44:59,042 --> 00:45:02,083 There are many, many things that are better than nothing. 672 00:45:02,167 --> 00:45:04,542 A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. 673 00:45:06,708 --> 00:45:09,417 A roof over one's head is better than nothing. 674 00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:12,458 And a place to sleep, 675 00:45:12,542 --> 00:45:15,708 even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, 676 00:45:15,792 --> 00:45:17,208 is better than nothing. 677 00:45:30,750 --> 00:45:33,750 But being raised in a violent and sinister environment 678 00:45:33,833 --> 00:45:37,917 by a man more interested in one's fortune than comfort and well-being 679 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:39,667 is not better than nothing. 680 00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:41,417 And as the Baudelaires would discover, 681 00:45:41,500 --> 00:45:45,125 there are some things that even a long night of introspection 682 00:45:45,208 --> 00:45:46,500 cannot change. 683 00:46:13,792 --> 00:46:16,167 The Baudelaire orphans knew they had to find a way 684 00:46:16,250 --> 00:46:18,750 out of their dreadfully unfortunate circumstances, 685 00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:22,833 and, perhaps, solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. 686 00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:29,792 I have the same dedication to researching and presenting this story 687 00:46:29,875 --> 00:46:31,917 no matter what dangers it puts me in. 688 00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:35,542 Trouble and strife can cover this world like the dark of night, 689 00:46:35,625 --> 00:46:38,250 or like smoke from a suspicious fire. 690 00:46:38,333 --> 00:46:40,000 And when that happens... 691 00:46:55,208 --> 00:46:58,917 ...all good, true and decent people know that it's time to volunteer. 692 00:47:05,417 --> 00:47:08,583 -I'm worried about the children. -Me, too. 693 00:47:08,667 --> 00:47:10,292 They're in danger, I know it. 694 00:47:10,375 --> 00:47:12,042 We need to get to them. 695 00:47:12,125 --> 00:47:14,333 We need to get out of here first. 696 00:47:14,417 --> 00:47:18,000 What's that thing Einstein said?