All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S04E13.1080p.Bluray.x265-HiQVE_Track03

Attempt number 803 of my new project.

This is the one. I can feel it.

I'm ready.

And here we go.

♪ Riding on a groovy wave of love ♪

♪ I'm going for a cosmic ride ♪

♪ Surf the freaky purple vibes of love ♪

♪ The marshmallow cat ♪

♪ Is inside ♪

"The marshmallow cat is inside?"

That's what I wrote? That's meaningless.

- Janet.
- Hi, there.

How's the songwriting going?

I'm completely lost here,

and I can't do the stupid E chord.

Would you like a magic guitar

that plays all the notes for you?

It's the number one
request among men over 50

who have gotten in here.

No, the whole point is
to learn how to do stuff

without using afterlife magic.

You know, maybe keep it on deck.

- I don't know, whatever.
- We should go, by the way.

We're gonna be late.

Oh, where does the time go?

♪ Surfing the freaky purple ♪

So ultimately, this all goes back

to a line from Professor May's book:

"Mortality offers meaning to our lives,

and morality helps
navigate that meaning."

Wait, what I think it says

is that mortality offers meaning

to the events of our lives.

Uh, check yourself, rando.

I think Chidi Anagonye,

who literally designed the afterlife,

knows what he's talking about.

Look, I'm pretty sure I'm right,

since it's, like, my book.

Yes, Professor May, you're probably right

about what you wrote.

Still think he should check himself.

Okay, everyone,
we'll see you all here next week.

Professor Hieronymi will be
teaching the trolley problem.

Bring ponchos. It gets messy.

You ready, Chidi?

Hello, Jeff.
I see the collection's grown.

Sure has. I have 322 frog things now.

323! I just got another one!

Ha!

Never not excited about frogs, that guy.

He knows what he likes.

This meeting of the Joint
Council of Afterlife Affairs

is called to order.

Let's make this quick, kids.

I just started rewatching
"The Leftovers."

Honestly, when I found out

that Carrie Coon was never nominated,

I almost erased 2% of humanity.

Michael, update?

Things are going fairly well.

A new crop of humans
just passed their tests.

Among the notables who got in,

Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston,

- Saint Thomas Aquinas...
- Yes!

Eighth-century Sufi mystic
poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri,

and Clara Peller.

She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.

Oh.

"Where's the beef?" lady got in.

So, that's fun.

Honestly, our biggest problem

is that we need more
architects and actors.

Well, sorry,
but these younger demon actors

have no dedication to their craft.

They think they can just start acting.

They have to learn
that acting is reacting,

and reacting is pre-acting,

but pre-acting, well,

that's just being.

Okay, take it down a notch,
Daniel Day-Lewis.

Shawn, what you got?

Well, I'll begin by saying
that this new system stinks,

and Michael stinks,

and we should throw
this all in the garbage

and go back to the way it used to be

when everyone was tortured.

There's still some bumps in the road,

but this system is good,
and it's working.

Come on, admit it.

I will never,

ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever,

admit that.

I know, buddy. I know.

What time is it?

I don't know.

Really?

Yeah.

At one point, hundreds of Bearimies ago,

I turned off my ability
to know what time it is

anywhere in the universe
when you and I are together.

I like not knowing.

It's 10:42 a.m. Sorry.

Saying out loud that I
didn't know something

made me feel weird.

Man,
I feel weird when I do know something.

You and I are very different.

Okay, gotta go meet my dad.
I'm gonna try one more time.

Good luck.

Thanks.

I'm freaking out, man.

You got this, dawg.

One more play, for all the marbles.

I love you, and I believe in you.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Okay.

Here we go.

Bortles gonna throw.

Yes!

You did it!

It took you more than 433,000 tries,

but you just played the
perfect game of Madden!

You did it!

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

I did it.

- Janet?
- Hi, there.

Hi, Janet. I made dinner.

You always make it for me, so this time,

I wanted to make it, and real talk,

it didn't go great.

This is spaghetti.

Now, I know it looks weird,

but I bit off a chunk, and actually,

it's pretty bad.

Also, I put out the forks and knives

the way kings and queens do it.

Close to the plates.

- Also...
- Uh-oh.

Oh, dip.

Yeah.

So...

I need to talk to everyone.

Should I ask them to come here?

No, I...

I had a better idea.

- Hello, you two.
- Hi.

What fun meeting back here.

Wow, you even restored
it to the way it used to look.

What inspired this, J-Dog?

You get a hankering for frozen yogurt?

No.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm leaving.

Going through the door.

Wow.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I am. It's time.

We thought the best move
was to gather everyone together

for a sort of farewell party.

We're gonna eat and drink,
and there will be dancing.

Fun.

Whee!

Okay, homies, you're sad.

I can tell 'cause you have
the same looks on your faces

that my teachers did whenever
I raised my hand in class.

But let's be happy.

I'm gonna DJ!

We'll play EDM all night.

- Come on.
- Come on.

Oof.

Now I'm bummed about two things.

- Hey there, Doug.
- Hi.

Having fun?

I've had so much chicken!

It's probably good you
chose your young body.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

I'm okay, Michael. How are you?

Well, I'm sad,

and I know you're the most
advanced being in the universe,

but I feel like I need to tell you,

it's okay if you're sad too.

I know.

And I am a little, but also,

I know this is the right
time for him to leave.

I really am okay, I promise.

Will you come talk to me if you're not?

Always.

How y'all doing tonight?

Okay, homies,
we got a real special treat.

My old dance crew Dance
Dance Resolution is here.

Y'all ready to tear it up one last time?

Yes! Yes!

That was special.

I'll never forget this night.

Until I walk through the door
and dissolve into the universe.

Can I ask you something, buddy?

How did you know?

It wasn't like I heard
a bell ring or anything.

I just suddenly had this calm feeling,

like the air inside my lungs

was the same as the air outside my body.

It was peaceful.

You know the feeling when you think

a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot

but you bite into it anyway

and it's actually the
perfect temperature?

Believe it or not,
I do know that feeling.

- That feeling rules.
- There you go!

Uh,

can I get your advice on something?

I'm scared Janet's gonna forget me.

Her falling in love with someone else,

I'm fine with that.

Like, if Jason Momoa

or if Lara Croft Tomb Raider gets in,

and Janet's like, "That's what's up,"

totally cool,

but her forgetting me would be sad,

so I made her this.

What do you guys think?

It's lovely.

But she's not gonna forget you, man.

I mean,

she literally can't.

She remembers everything
that ever happened.

Even if she could forget someone,

I don't think she's gonna forget you.

Thanks.

When I had Jason, I was 18 years old.

In many ways, Jason raised
me just as much as I raised him.

So, thanks for being a great dad, son.

I love you, Dad!

Jason is the realest dude ever.

I mean, none of us are real anymore.

We're all just Caspers
the Ghost and whatnot,

which is funny 'cause me
and Jason ain't even white.

Why are all ghosts white?

Aw, dip. Are ghosts racist?

What I'm trying to say is,
I love you, dawg,

you're my hero, you're my best friend,

and you're my Gardner Minshew.

Janets don't eat or drink anything,

but since Jason loves
nothing more in the universe

than buffalo wings,

I taught myself how to eat them.

What?

So the first thing

ever eaten by a Janet will be

a buffalo wing from
Stupid Nick's Wing Dump.

No!

No! Don't do it!

Whoo! Yeah!

I feel disgusting.

- Ooh.
- What's on my face?

Oh, that's Nick's
world-famous Concussion sauce.

It's 20% sugar and 80% cold medicine.

I feel bad.

I feel really bad and gross.

And now I want to eat that whole bucket.

Oh, I am so attracted to you right now.

Oh. Okay.

You can sit on that
bench as long as you want.

Whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.

I love you, Janet.

I love you too, Jason.

I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.

Hmm.

I made you something.

Aw, dip, I lost it.

- It's okay.
- No, it's not.

I made you this cool
thing so you remember me

even when you're married to Aquaman,

and I lost it somewhere in this forest.

Some magical squirrel probably ate it.

Jason, it's okay.

I'm never gonna forget you.

In fact, to me,
you won't even really be gone.

I don't experience time
the same way you do.

I kind of live all times at once.

I know what you mean.

Once, I smoked salvia,

and saw the past and
the future at the same time.

Then I tried to brush
my teeth with my cat.

To me,

remembering moments with you

is the same as living in them.

Can you just remember the happy times

and forget the bad stuff?

There was no bad stuff.

It was all good.

Wow.

These spindles are gorgeous.

And there's almost a
feeling of musculature

to this transition.

The oak just sort of told me the shape

before I even got to the spoke shave.

This under-bevel is a great trick.

It really makes it feel lighter

while leaving you
plenty of beef to carve.

It's really just a modified Danish line.

Still, you made it your own.

This is as good a chair as I've seen.

I have nothing left to teach you.

Hurrah!

Thank you!

- Janet!
- Hi there.

Call up the list please.

Congratulations.

Actually, I just finished
repaving my driveway yesterday,

so cross that one off too.

Before you start your next project,

you should know, that thing

that you asked me to tell
you when it happened?

It happened.

I mean, they've gone through the system,

so they'll be a little different, right?

One would hope.

I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad.

I've only ever stood
silently behind their chairs

while they ate lobster
tail with Oscar de la Renta.

I'm right here.

We will get through this together.

Here we go.

Mother, Father, welcome to...

My darlings!

My darlings. Oh!

Oh, my little girls.

We love you both so much.

So very much.

We have a million
things to talk to you about,

but first, we are sorry.

We'll just be endlessly
sorry forever and ever.

Holy crap.

I know, right?

Ugh.

For the 1,000,000th time,

they've sent us teddy bears and flowers.

You think they'd understand

that we can get these
things ourselves if we want.

Ah, that's lovely.

Thanks.

You know,
I never thought I would say this,

but I'm getting a little
bored of Mum and Dad

telling us how much they love us.

Yes.

Isn't that something?

Well, this may not come
as a surprise to any of you,

but...

I'm ready to go.

Aw, nuts. I knew it.

You finished everything on your list?

I did.

I learned how to install a bathtub,

fly a helicopter, defuse a bomb,

deliver the perfect backhand slice.

My last goal was to spend one
meaningful day with my parents,

and now I've spent thousands of them.

I feel complete.

Would you like me to
prepare a farewell party for you?

No need. I've done it myself.

I've cooked all the food,
mixed all the drinks,

made all the furniture,
repainted all the walls,

and trained all the animals.

Champagne?

Uh, sure. Thank you, panda.

Also, I've already said good-bye

to everyone else in my life.

My sister, my parents, B and J.

They took it very hard.

Tonight, it's just us.

I hate to tell you this,

but your risotto was
just a little sticky.

- Was it?
- No, damn it, it was amazing.

Just trying to figure
out a way to get you

to hang around for a few more Bearimies.

Can I tell you something?

You're my role model.

Come on.

I'm serious.

Babe, you were already
the most impressive person

I ever met,

and now you can do literally everything.

If that's true,
it's because you inspired me.

I admire you so very much.

Your strength, your toughness,
your self-esteem,

not to mention you have a rocking bod.

Did you just turn the tables on me?

I got nothing left to teach you.

- Janet.
- Hi there.

One more goal to add to the list please.

Now cross it off.

I know we already said good-bye.

I'm not even here.

I just had to see you one last time,

because I hooked up
with Alexander the Great!

And it was more like Alexander the Fine.

Okay, anyway, I love you,
I love you, good-bye forever.

- Bye, love!
- Bye!

I admire your breadth of knowledge.

I can only do one thing: Be an architect.

I've spent the last 500 Bearimies

trying to learn how to play the guitar,

and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah."

Don't sell yourself short, Michael.

I dare say you're the
greatest architect in existence,

and I should know.

Frank Gehry is my godfather.

Fair enough. I deserved that.

Oh, Tahani, I'm gonna miss you, babe.

Wait.

I don't want to leave.

Great!

Then stay. New party, everyone.

- A staying party.
- Whoo!

No. I-I also don't want to stay.

I'm done here,
but I don't want to go there.

It's kind of your only options.

No, they aren't.

I want to learn to do what you do,
Michael.

I want to be an architect.
Design afterlives.

Tahani, you're a wonderful person,

but you're a person. It's impossible.

Nonsense! I can learn.

Just like I learned all this other stuff.

I've spent most of my life
pretending to help people.

If I were an architect,
I could do it for real.

Let me at least try.

Don't make me talk to your manager.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

- That's my girl!
- Oh.

Hey, Jeff.

Boy, kind of getting away from you here,
huh?

Yeah.

I love frogs though, so it's awesome.

I did bring you one.

Oh, thanks, Tahani.
Just toss it on the pile.

Glenn, Beadie,

this is your new intern, Tahani.

Tahani!

This is so neat.

I haven't seen you since
I was exploded into goo.

I didn't get any me on you, did I?

You did,
but it's all goo under the bridge.

Anyway, I want to learn everything.

I shall start at the bottom
and earn my way up.

To wit,
would anyone like a cup of antimatter?

Sure,
I take mine with nondairy neutrinos.

Coming right up.

Thank you, Michael, for everything.

You're welcome.

I brought you a little "first
day on the job" present.

Once you're a big deal around here,

I hope you don't mind if I
brag about knowing you.

Name-dropping's a little gauche, Michael,

but do as you must.

Hmm.

"Working out the
terms of moral justification

is an unending task."

Boom!

I did it!

It only took me 2,000 Bearimies

but I finally finished that book.

Ha-ha, sucker!

Reading you was an unending task,

but I freaking did it!

Congrats, babe.

Thanks. What are you reading?

- "The Da Vinci Code."
- Really?

Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes

of reading the most
difficult writings in the world,

I've acquired a new passion.

Garbage books.

Hey, do you think I would've
been a good symbologist,

if that were a real job?

Yes, I do. Ya very cute.

- Come on. We gotta go to dinner.
- Oh.

I cannot believe she
learned to cook this well.

When I first met Tahani on Earth,

she was trying to shove
jewelry into a vending machine.

Okay, well, if she is an architect,

then she should design my idea.

A karaoke room that's also a tanning bed.

Ooh, yes,

and, like,
the harder you commit to the song,

like, the tanner you get?

I gotta say,
I am so glad that going through the system

did not totally change
you two ding-dongs.

Oh.

For dessert, we have to get the tiramisu.

Man.

Chidi Anagonye just
casually making choices.

I never thought I'd live to see it.

I mean, I guess I didn't.

Oh, that's right!

'Cause we're all dead!

That was so fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's always fun to see them.

Every time we do it, it's fun.

I had coffee with my mom the other day,

and she says hi,

but she also finally

learned how to pronounce your mom's name.

Which is good.

Yeah, yeah, they were joking about that

last time we saw them.

- Mm.
- Remember?

Oh, right. Yeah.

Shakespeare went through the door.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Everyone's talking about it.
- It's probably for the best.

His last 4,000 plays
were not nearly as good

as the ones he wrote on Earth.

I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2:

Here We Blow Again?"

Woof.

You mind if we go home? I'm tired.

Sure.

- All right.
- Okay.

Um...

I'm gonna get ready for bed.

Cool. I'm gonna take a little stroll.

- I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay.

Dude.

Oh, hey, perfect.

Are these good lyrics?

♪ The psychedelic stardust
and moonbeam banana ♪

No, stop, that's terrible,
and we got a problem.

I think Chidi's gonna leave.

Really?

Did he say he was ready?

He didn't say exactly that,
but he's getting close.

I can tell.

I need to do something to shake things up,
you know?

Light a spark.

Oh! Janet?

- Hi there.
- Hi.

I think Chidi's almost ready
to walk through the door,

and I need to keep him here, so, um,

can you make me a bed
shaped like a giant highlighter

and, like,
a sexy edible valedictorian robe?

No, I think this calls
for something spiritual.

Ah, okay, but if I do this right,

my man's gonna be talking to God.

You know what I mean?
Wait, what do you mean?

Forgive me, Eleanor,
but if Chidi's ready to go,

it's time for him to go.

Ah, he didn't say that yet though.

We're in classic Chidi gray area.

You need to remind him

of what's great about this place.

Oh, oh.

Remember where he took us,
like, the first month

when we were all together?

Oh, great idea. Yes.

Janet, set the scene.

Okay.

Would you like it restored
to its original glory?

No.

The first time he went,
he was in college.

Have it look and feel exactly like it was

that day when he fell in love with it.

Also, pack me the edible robe.

That might seal the deal.

Okay. You're all set.

Hey, guess what?

Surprise trip. Come on.

Surprise trip? Now?

Yeah. Special fun trip, just us two.

Let's go.

Can I change out of my pajamas first?

Let the door do it! Come on!

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Oh.

Oh, man, Eleanor.

Right?

We haven't been here in so long.

Athens.

Man, this city,
it takes my breath away every time.

Talk it out, bud.

Tell me everything you
know about this place

because, full disclosure,

I didn't really listen the
first time you told me.

Well, I mean, that's the Acropolis.

Oh, and this is the Pnyx.

Thousands of Athenians would gather here

and listen to people
discuss their city and its laws

from that stage right there.

This is literally where
democracy started.

Well, that's fine and dandy,
but as you may know,

I'm kind of a philosophy gal.

Where were the big brains hanging out?

Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes,

they all gathered
right here in the agora.

It was like the Avengers,
but for super thinkers.

Oh, come on. You brought me here.

You knew what was gonna happen.

No, I love that you're so happy.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Is it weird that when I
picture ancient Greeks,

I make them really hot?

Like, to me,

Aristotle is basically
John Stamos with a beard.

Honestly,
that's kind of how I picture him too.

Good, same page.

What's this called again? Koulouvi?

Koulouri,

and I lived on these when I was here.

I like to picture young
Chidi Anagonye here,

reading, nerding out,

treating himself to a koulouri,
if he had an astute insight

into Aristotelian virtue ethics.

Oh, that

is accurate.

That is an accurate
picture of 20-year-old me.

This was so special.

Thank you.

Should we head home?

Nope, because

we're not done yet.

There's more special trip.

- Janet?
- Hi there.

You enjoying your trip, Chidi?

Yes, we are, but it's not over yet.

We are ready to head to
destination number two.

- Remember?
- Yes, of course.

Head right this way.

Oh, man. Oh, wow.

Paris.

Yes, Paris, obviously.

My favorite city.

And you even picked the ideal weather.

Overcast and chilly.

Perfect for staying inside and reading.

Is this what you were hinting to me?

I was thinking Six Flags,
but this is way better.

I used to come to this café
every day when I lived here.

I tried to sit in a
different seat each time

so I could eventually say

that I definitely sat in
the exact same place

as Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir,

Richard Wright, Brecht, James Baldwin.

Well, we got all the time
in the world now, baby.

Put that booty in a
seat warmed by history.

Eleanor, I know what you're doing.

Being the best eternal girlfriend ever?

Guilty.

Let's take a walk.

So, Eleanor,

here it is.

I love you,

completely and utterly.

Oh, crap.

But I have to go.

But you don't though.

You don't have to go.
You don't have to leave me.

I don't want to leave you.

I'm just ready to leave.

I have the same feeling
that the others described,

a kind of quietude in my soul.

But you just had it.

What if those other dummies
didn't wait long enough,

and the feeling fades,

and you get to spend
another billion Bearimies

in fake afterlife Europe
with your kickass girlfriend?

I didn't just have it.

I've had it a long time.

Remember that day we
were with our parents?

My mom kissed you good-bye,

and got lipstick on your cheek,

and your mom rubbed it off.

I don't know why that was it, but

that was it.

And I didn't want to tell you because

because.

No, man, this can't be...

Because Jason's gone,

Tahani's off doing her thing,

and I'm not ready to go,

so if you leave, then I'm alone here.

I was alone my whole life,

and I told myself I like it that way,
but I don't.

I like being with you.

Okay, I won't go.

- Really?
- Yeah, I won't go.

There's...

There is still plenty to do.

I'll stay.

Who's ready for Six Flags?

Oh, we're good.

We got it. He's gonna stay.

So what do you want to do?

Turn into birds and fly to Notre Dame?

Stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower

and throw water balloons
onto imaginary tourists?

Whatever you want to do.

Okay, well, let's freshen up,

have dinner at some schmancy restaurant,

order a million-dollar bottle of wine,

even though it tastes exactly like cheap,
stupid wine,

and sit in a room at the George V

and watch "Real Housewives"

of whatever city
they're doing that in now.

Love it.

I'm gonna walk around
my old neighborhood.

See where I used to live.

Meet you at the restaurant?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Let's see what's on the menu.

Literally anything you
could possibly imagine.

Hmm. What are you thinking?

"Working out the
terms of moral justification

is an unending task."

That's what I was thinking about.

That sentence.

You want to eat that sentence for dinner?

Can we eat words?

'Cause I asked Janet about this, and...

No, no,
it's the last line of Scanlon's book.

- Remember?
- Ah.

The whole book is about
how we should try to find rules

other people can't reasonably reject,

and then he ends it by saying,

"The search for how to find those rules

will go on forever."

I proposed a rule

that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave

because it would make Eleanors sad,

and I could do this forever,

zip you around the universe
showing you cool stuff,

and I'd still never
find the justification

for getting you to stay.

Because it's a selfish rule.

I owe it to you

to let you go.

I was never good at being sad.

Partly because my mom
straight up told me not to be.

But this is sad, man.

You got a John Locke quote

or piece of Kantian wisdom
you can throw at me?

Those guys were more
focused on rules and regulations.

For spiritual stuff,

you gotta turn to the East.

I'll take anything you got. Hit me.

Picture a wave

in the ocean.

You can see it, measure it, its height,

the way the sunlight refracts
when it passes through,

and it's there,

and you can see it, you know what it is.

It's a wave.

And then it crashes on the shore,

and it's gone.

But the water is still there.

The wave was just a...

A different way for the water to be

for a little while.

That's one conception
of death for a Buddhist.

The wave

returns to the ocean...

where it came from,

and where it's supposed to be.

Not bad, Buddhists.

Not bad.

None of this is bad.

I need you to do me one last favor.

Mm-hmm?

Say good-bye to me now,

and leave before I wake up.

You can sit on that
bench as long as you'd like,

and whenever you're ready,

you just walk through.

I'm ready.

Oh, dip! You're back.

- Jason?
- Yeah!

What... but how...

Why...

Funny story.

Remember how I made you something,

and I thought I lost it
because it wasn't in my pocket?

Uh-huh?

Turns out it was in my other pocket!

By the time I found it, you were gone.

I was just gonna leave it for you,

but I was worried it would get eaten

by that magic squirrel.

So,
I decided to wait for you to come back.

Every so often, a different Janet came,

but I knew it wasn't you.

Jason, it's been, like,
a thousand Bearimies

I know, but I wanted to see you again.

It was actually pretty easy to wait.

I sort of just sat quietly

and let my mind drift away.

Thought about you,

and the infinity of the universe.

Kind of like a monk.

What do you mean?

Looks good, not-a-girl.

Chidi, wait up!

I don't know, man.

It's weird.

I... I've been here for so long,

I should be ready to go, but I'm not.

I've made peace with everyone in my life,

I even apologized to Charles Barkley

for breaking into his
house that one time.

What else is there?

Wait. Is it Brent?

Do I have to wait
around for Brent to get in

so I can make peace with him?

Yeah, you might be waiting a long time.

Okay, hang on. Hang on.

So, you can never tell a woman to smile?

What if she'd legitimately
be prettier if she smiled?

Aren't I helping her?

Oh, Brent.

Hang in there, bud.

I mean,
I guess there's nothing left to do

but keep searching for that magical

"I'm complete" feeling.

Mm.

I thought I had it yesterday,

but then I farted a
little and it went away.

I mean,
that couldn't have been it, right?

The others said it was unmistakable.

Yeah.

There's gotta be a reason I'm still here.

Just wish I knew what
I was supposed to do.

Yeah, I hear you, sister.

I'm starting to feel a
little directionless again.

Being immortal,
you kind of need projects to

keep you busy.

Do you realize how long forever is?

It's, like, for-ever.

Well,
you still have the afterlife council.

That's something.

And you still suck at guitar.

I do suck.

That's true.

That gives me hope.

Hey-oh!

Time to go nuts,
'cause I brought donuts...

Huh, no one's here.

Shoot. That was gonna be a big laugh.

Hey, sweetie.
Did you not get the message?

No. Why, was the meeting canceled?

Uh, yeah. Forever.

We dissolved the council.

- What?
- We don't need it anymore.

Your system's working perfectly.

Millions of humans passing their tests,
you know.

Oh,
Vicky's really killing it on the training,

so it's all good.

Well...

All right, well... hang on, now.

Look, how are we even sure
that this is the right system?

I mean, honestly,
I think Shawn was right.

This whole thing sucks

and we should start from scratch.

Relax, worrywart. Take a load off.

Huh? Enjoy yourself.

You know what I just discovered recently?

Podcasts.

There's, like, a billion of them

and they just keep coming.

- Hmm.
- Now scoot.

I got a new Radiolab to listen to

about how clams learn.

Pretty excited.

I love you.

And you don't need to respond,

'cause I know you have
trouble saying how you feel.

I love you too.

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh. Hey, what's up?

That's all I get?

You haven't seen me in, like, forever.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Eleanor.

Oh, my very best friend in the universe.

God, how I've missed you so.

Please, embrace me.

Much better.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, sure, why not?

- Hey, Derek?
- Yes, Mindy?

What can Derek do for you?

Eleanor and I are gonna talk for a bit,

so go into your nether sphere.

That's Derek?

Mindy has rebooted Derek
more than 151 million times.

Derek is now both a
singular point in space,

and yet,
Derek also contains space itself.

The nexus of Derek is without dimension.

The moment of Derek's creation

and the eventual heat
death of the universe

are now inexorably the same.

Ugh, you are so annoying!

Want a beer?

So that's how you spend your days?

Wandering around,

searching for the thing
that makes you complete?

Pretty much.

I thought it was connected
to my parents or my friends,

but now I think it might
be something else.

I think it might be you.

I think my final mission
might be to convince you

to go through the system.

Take the test.

You know,
when I first met you, I thought,

"Oof,

"well, there's a chick I understand.

Lone wolf, totally independent,
knows what she wants."

Cocaine and self-pleasure.

Right.

But I actually think
you're a version of me

if I'd never met my friends.

You're like the worst-case scenario

of what I could have become.

- No offense.
- None taken.

Look, the thing is, Eleanor,
I am fine with where I am.

See, I don't think you are.

Or at least, you could be better.

If we're cut from the same cloth,

then trust me.

There is greater
happiness waiting for you

if you form bonds with other people,

and I think you know that.

You told me about me and Chidi that time.

You showed me the tape.

You said you were rooting for us.

I think you have the ability to care.

I don't know.

Caring just seems like

- a lot of work.
- Mm.

And I have been on my own for so long.

I can't imagine putting my fate
in the hands of some stranger.

I thought you might say that.

Hello, gorgeous.

Eleanor.

And Mindy St. Claire,

as I neither live nor breathe!

What brings you ladies here?

Trying to convince
Mindy to enter the system

after all this time.

She's a little worried

about who might end
up designing her test...

Say no more. I'm on the case.

Really?
Are you, like, certified or whatever?

Well, not yet,
but it won't be long, right, Shawn?

Oh, I think you'll find

that Tahani will be certified

very soon.

Did that sound evil?

I didn't mean it to. I was sincere.

Force of habit.

I do think you'll find that
Tahani will be certified

ve... hmm.

- Shut up, Glenn.
- Great.

So, you go back to your old life,

chill with your floating Derek head,

when Tahani gets certified,
you enter the system,

Tahani designs your test.

Deal?

Why not? Something new.

Thanks for giving a crap about me.

I don't really give a crap about myself,

so it's nice that someone does.

I'm really glad I filmed you having sex.

Me too.

You can sit on that
bench as long as you want.

Whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.

Well, good, 'cause I'm definitely ready.

I'm ready.

I'm not ready.

Damn it, Janet. What the fork?

I should be ready and I'm not.

But I am.

Michael, what are you doing?

I'm going through the door.

There's nothing left for me to do.

I feel sated and complete.

I'm not sure you're
thinking this through, dude.

Yes, I am. A calm has washed over me.

Blah, blah, blah.

Good-bye.

Did I go through the wrong way?

Wait, wait, just one minute.

I know this is gonna look
silly but it probably will work.

Michael, what are you doing?

I am returning my damn essence

to the damn fabric of the damn universe.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, there we go.

It's working now.

It's working.

I'm leaving.

Bye.

It's not working because you're looking.

Stop looking.

Michael, that door is not for you.

Why not?

I invented the damn thing!

You know, this stinks.

You guys get to move on,
but I am trapped here forever?

How's that fair?

Oh, I got it.

Eleanor, come here.

You go through and give me a piggyback.

- We can trick it.
- Ooh, no. Ow!

- Ow! Ow! Michael, no!
- Hold still... well, hold...

Michael! All right.

Come with me.

Fire squids are heavy.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

New people are getting in all the time.

Tahani's still around.

Maybe you team up with her,

design some afterlife neighborhoods?

I did that already, remember?

Spent 50 Bearimies

making new neighborhoods
for new residents.

When you've already
designed the ultimate one,

it's kind of a letdown.

I've loved being here, but Jason's gone.

Chidi's gone.

You know,
even Doug Forcett went through the door.

That was probably for the best.

That guy partied so
hard when he was here.

I guess I'll just stay here forever,
you know?

Putter around doing mundane things

like some sad old retiree.

Maybe I'll have Janet
make me a hardware store

so I can buy a hex wrench
that I don't really need.

Cockamamie!

That's what I think of your plan.

I think it's cockamamie.

I think it's a great plan,

and I bet deep down, you do too.

It sets a bad precedent.

Babe,
no one else is ever gonna want to do this.

Plus, if they ask,
you just say, "Sure, pal,

"go save every soul in the universe,

and then we got a deal."

And think about it this way:

If you do this,

you'll never have to hear from any of us

ever again.

Ooh.

Now that sounds tempting.

'Cause y'all are annoying.

I mean,
you did save the universe and all,

but your tone.

- It's your tone.
- I know.

Michael?

Come on in.

All my Earth stuff.

Oh, my old bowling ball.

Oh, hi, paper clips.

What prompted all this?

You know,
it took me a while to figure it out,

but earlier,

when you were walking back
and forth through the door,

it hit me.

You will never be at peace

until you get the one
thing you truly want.

I'm...

I'm gonna be...

A real boy, Pinocchio.

The Judge gave me the power
to make you an actual human.

Good-bye, fire squid.

Hello, silver fox.

Oh, Eleanor!

Oh, my goodness!

Now, you need to be sure about this.

You're gonna live down there for, like

some amount of time,

you'll die, really die,

then you'll enter an afterlife test,

be judged on what you did,
the whole deal.

At least so we think.

While you're down there,

this entire system could be changed.

Shawn might launch a coup.

Someone could design a whole new system.

You won't really know

what's going to happen to you.

That's what makes it special.

I won't exactly know
what's going to happen

after I die.

Nothing more human than that.

Besides texting people
that you're five minutes away

when you haven't even left the house.

Thank you, Eleanor. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Hey, Mike. Where you headed today?

Earth, actually.

Oh. Been a while.

Here's the return clicker.

No need.

One-way trip.

Wow.

Okay.

Good luck.

Thank you.

I have something for you.

Yeah?

He's real!

It's real! He's a real frog!

Yes, it sure is.

You should understand
something about real frogs.

They don't live forever.

I know.

But...

I'ma take good care
of him while he's here.

Thank you. And you know what?

I got the perfect name for him.

Mr. Jumpy Legs.

Oh.

I thought you were gonna...

Never mind.

Hello, Mr. Jumpy Legs!

Okay.

So, here's your driver's license

and your Social Security card.

I set up a bank account for you.

There's enough money in
there so that you don't starve,

but not so much that you
become an entitled jerk.

Thank you, Janet.

Make a doctor's appointment
as soon as you get down there.

And no salty food.

You have to keep your
blood pressure down.

You have blood now.

I'll be fine. I'll be okay.

I know. I just worry.

I'll see you again, you know.

I'll see you when I get back.

Okay.

If you rent a car,
don't pay for the insurance.

It's a scam. Okay.

Man, it's hot.

But it's a... it's a dry heat.

So, as I mentioned before,

you can sit on this bench
as long as you want,

and whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.

Care to join me for a bit?

Margarita?

Always.

Mmm.

Okay, top three moments

of your not-life with us. Go.

You telling us that we should

try to help other people on Earth,

the moment that we all got
into the Good Place for real,

and then it's an 8-million-way tie

of every time Jason and I kissed.

- He was a really good kisser.
- I bet he was.

I wonder how Michael's doing.

I assume he's doing
the same as every human.

- Three, two, one...
- Some good days.

Happy New Year!

Some bad days.

She's gonna be okay.

This city has really good hospitals.

He's got a few friends.

Such a good boy, Jason.

Such a good boy.

A few people he can't stand.

He's learning some things all by himself.

Oh, geez, ow!

And hopefully learning to
ask for help when he needs it.

Guitar like this. Fingers this way.

You have no idea how long

I've been trying to figure that out.

Well, everybody needs a teacher.

So do it again.

He's messing up,

and trying again, and messing up again,

and then getting things wrong,

and then trying to make them right.

That's what everyone does.

- To Michael.
- To Michael.

What do you think happens

when people walk through the door?

It's the only thing in the
universe I don't know.

I don't know either.

The wave returns to the ocean.

What the ocean does
with the water after that

is anyone's guess.

But as a very wise

not-robot once told me,

true joy is in the mystery.

Do you mind if I stay
here until you're gone?

Only if you say that thing I taught you.

I hate to see you walk
through the final door

at the edge of existence,

but I love to watch you leave.

There we go.

Hey, this was delivered
to my building by mistake.

- I think it's yours.
- Oh, hey.

- Thanks so much.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow.

I think I know what this is.

Oh.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Look at that.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so very, very much.

Yeah, no problem. Take it easy.

I'll do you one better.

I'll say this to you, my friend,

with all the love in my heart

and all the wisdom of the universe.

Take it sleazy.

All right.

♪ Riding on a groovy wave of love ♪

♪ I'm going for a cosmic ride ♪

♪ Surf the freaky purple vibes of love ♪

♪ The marshmallow oat ♪

♪ Is inside ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ We're gonna find a
way back to the sun ♪

♪ Back to the one ♪