1 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:25,275 This is Redban live from the Moody Center... 2 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:30,906 here in Austin, Texas for it a brand new episode of Kill Tony. 3 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,951 Let's hear it for Tony Hinchcliffe. 4 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:51,590 Are you ready for the best evening? of your life? 5 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:03,480 Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. - How are you? 6 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:09,236 Another round of applause please for the best band in the entire country. 7 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,573 Oh, my god. 8 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:17,286 Here we are. Nothing special. How are things going in Austin, Texas? 9 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:24,710 It feels good to be home. How exciting this is. 10 00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:29,673 We have a great show for you. It's going to be a party tonight. 11 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:33,236 Who traveled from a distant land to be here tonight? 12 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:38,098 Welcome. How many of you live in Austin, Texas? 13 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:44,813 Lo and behold, the economy is doing well in Austin, as always. 14 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,399 We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. 15 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:54,281 No ads or sponsors. We're on Netflix tonight. 16 00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:56,807 How exciting. 17 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,915 Let's get right to it. 18 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,917 I see no reason to wait. 19 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:08,712 We have a lot to do, so let's start with a bang. 20 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:12,132 Let me introduce you to our first panelist. 21 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,177 One of the best in the world... 22 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,805 the most viewed Netflix special of the year. 23 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:23,560 Let's hear it for Fluffy, Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen. 24 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,854 Here we go. 25 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:42,621 The man is back. You know him. You love him. 26 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:47,084 Fluffy from Texas, ladies and gentlemen. - Are you okay, Austin? 27 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,006 Great. 28 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:57,594 Welcome back. How are you? - Thank you. Crazy. Happy new year. 29 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:05,686 It's going to be a wild show tonight, a very special show. 30 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:10,607 You start. Just us. Just the three of us. 31 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,402 Me, you and Redban. - Just the three of us. 32 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,612 We have something... - Pretty good, huh? 33 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,698 You didn't know that. - He can sing. 34 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:20,867 When I'm drunk. - A beautiful voice and soft feet. 35 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:23,870 I remember those feet from last time. 36 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:26,039 Just a special announcement. 37 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,500 As loyal fans of the show know... 38 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:32,254 that only happens in Madison Square Garden was a Legends bucket. 39 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:38,468 But here he is tonight. For the first time outside New York City. 40 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:43,181 I was able to get him and I'm going to start pulling names out of the Legends bucket. 41 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:48,687 We get a short set of the greatest comedians in Kill Tony. 42 00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:52,274 And then they participate in the panel. Does that sound good? 43 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,278 Then let's get started. 44 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,072 Ladies and gentlemen, your first legend tonight... 45 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:02,451 oh my god, let's hear it. 46 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:08,248 It's literally the GOAT, Roseanne Barr. Here we go. 47 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,308 Tony, hello. 48 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,981 Hi Austin, Texas. 49 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,403 Yes, Texas. Yes, Texas. 50 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:43,283 I came here three and a half years ago moved there. I love Texas. 51 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,952 You can walk around anywhere with a gun... 52 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:51,041 and you can shoot at anything and anyone whatever you feel like. 53 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:52,941 Yeah, damn it. 54 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:57,964 It's great here. 55 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,759 I love you, Roseanne. - And I love you. 56 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:06,181 Thanks, Tony, for inviting me to do for three minutes. 57 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,518 I haven't done that in a long time. 58 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:14,314 I didn't even know if anyone still knows me. 59 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:22,197 Thank you very much. Because when I go somewhere... 60 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:26,368 people often confuse me with Rosie O'Donnell. 61 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:31,164 I don't know why, but it happens very often now. 62 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,667 I find it annoying too. 63 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:37,754 They say, 'Hey, Rosie, baby.' 64 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,633 "Hey, Rosie, we miss you on The View." 65 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:47,264 “Hey, Rosie, you're right. Fuck Trump. He's a fascist.' 66 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,517 I'm annoyed about that. 67 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:57,107 Then I say, 'Hey, I'm not the mother from that crack whore in jail.” 68 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:10,620 For God's sake. I support Trump. 69 00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:18,128 I'm the one who likes cock. 70 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:26,928 I've always loved cock. 71 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,353 All kinds of cocks. 72 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:43,153 I've had just about every kind of cock and I liked them all. 73 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,449 I'm a big fan of cock. 74 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:50,952 That's no problem. 75 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:56,500 It was the things around it which I had problems with. 76 00:06:56,625 --> 00:07:00,879 The other parts of the body... 77 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:06,468 who kept the stem cell alive there, I had problems with that. 78 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:10,889 Some people say that I gave up too much for a cock. 79 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,393 Three divorces, bankruptcy. 80 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:19,272 Maybe I was exaggerating in love. Do you understand? 81 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:28,715 I'm proof that you can suck and fuck until you end up at the bottom. 82 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:41,753 And I can't wait to have it all to do again, ladies and gentlemen. 83 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,969 God bless America and Kill Tony. 84 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,723 Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen. 85 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,476 Roseanne, come here. Come sit with us. 86 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,356 Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen. 87 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:08,154 You were a guest on the show several times, a legend, one of the greatest ever. 88 00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:11,449 You know how the show works. I drew a name. 89 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,824 Another round of applause for Roseanne. 90 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,250 I pull a name from the normal bucket. 91 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:23,044 You know it. They get 60 seconds non-stop. 92 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,839 Their time is up when you hear a kitten. 93 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:30,089 Then they have to stop, otherwise comes the angry bear of West Hollywood. 94 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,513 That's how it works. Then I interview them. 95 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,576 They can talk to our panel. Ready to start the show? 96 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:43,189 And why not start with the latest fixed value... 97 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:45,692 in the Kill Tony universe? 98 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:50,530 Ladies and gentlemen, the Dark Storm of Atlanta is here. 99 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:55,785 This is the debut in the arena by Dedrick Flynn. 100 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,588 Dedrick. 101 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:10,657 Oh man. 102 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:15,555 I had to take a plane from Atlanta, Georgia... 103 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,934 to Provo, Utah, to then... 104 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:23,438 It was not a pleasant experience, because the only flight... 105 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:28,193 from Atlanta to Utah left at five o'clock in the morning... 106 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:32,068 because they don't want people from Atlanta go there. 107 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,826 So I called my Uber at three in the morning... 108 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,745 and had to wait an hour. 109 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:41,498 Because he took a strange route. 110 00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:44,667 I wanted to cancel the Uber. 111 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:51,758 I wanted to cancel but he accepted every time I requested a new Uber. 112 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:57,430 Finally he picked me up. We left for the airport. 113 00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:01,017 As we entered the highway, six officers stopped him. 114 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:05,080 “Lie down on the floor,” they say. I'm crying because I'm high. 115 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:12,612 And I say, 'I have to catch my flight.' “Go ahead,” he said. 116 00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:15,987 But I can't call another Uber from the highway. 117 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,410 And I'm chilling. 118 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:23,248 I'm so panicked right now. I'm sorry, folks. 119 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,442 I'm sorry. 120 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:35,051 So I wanted... You can't call an Uber on a highway. 121 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:38,346 I looked at a cop and said: "Can someone take me?" 122 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,931 And he said, 'Yes.' 123 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:44,244 But that guy wouldn't let me sit in the front seat. I had to get in the backseat. 124 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,812 I wanted to play with the laptop, but... 125 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:52,777 He turned on the siren and sped away. We arrive at the airport. 126 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:57,340 I can't get out because I'm in the back, so he has to open my door. 127 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:01,369 Then he wanted to help me with my luggage. And I see... 128 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,414 twenty black people shake their heads. 129 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:09,252 Because I look as a first-rate snitch. 130 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:14,174 And right in front of me with my head bowed go inside... 131 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,218 he picks up his intercom and says: "Safe flight." 132 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,743 Shut up. 133 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:22,432 Do your job. Okay, that's it for me. 134 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:26,519 That's him. Dedrick Flynn. 135 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:33,276 With its debut in the arena, on Netflix. His heart is pounding in his throat. 136 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:45,948 That was great. 137 00:11:46,074 --> 00:11:47,082 Yes. - Great. 138 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,375 Enormous energy, enormous self-confidence. 139 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:54,088 I don't have to say anything. They speak for everyone. Make yourself heard. 140 00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,489 Good job, man. 141 00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,701 Well done. 142 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,287 Beautiful. 143 00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,497 That was beautiful. 144 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:07,185 Thank you, man. 145 00:12:07,330 --> 00:12:09,748 I've wanted to meet you all my life. 146 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,234 I have tons of pirated DVDs of your comedy performances. 147 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:19,589 I'm at the hairdresser's: 'Got it the new Fluffy? I'll get it for you.' 148 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:25,620 Dedrick Flynn, you are in your hometown of Austin, Texas. 149 00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,712 He stayed focused and had a lot of energy at the start. 150 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:39,092 I felt connected as soon as you showed up. That was a beautiful story. 151 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:43,346 You have positive energy and a great one personality. You are real. 152 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:44,848 I appreciate that. - It does... 153 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:48,685 Man, those emotions. That's a beautiful thing. 154 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:52,063 This is something big that you just conquered. 155 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,524 How long have you been doing comedy? 156 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:58,111 Just over 12 years. - It shows. 157 00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:01,364 You notice that immediately. - Damn. 158 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:04,951 Bitch, I'm on Netflix. 159 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,394 For sure. 160 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:13,126 The big question is: How much did you pay? for those illegal copies? 161 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,965 I want to know what the price was then. - The ones with blue at the bottom were ten dollars. 162 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:22,302 And the lesser quality was five dollars. 163 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,741 So I owe you some money. - Nice. 164 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,706 Do you have Cash App? 165 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:35,815 Dedrick, your life has completely changed in recent months. 166 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,378 You are our newest regular guest. Tell me about that. 167 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,238 What has changed? We heard you rap. 168 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:44,991 We saw you got a new grill, but... 169 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:48,200 Yes, I'll put the top one on. - No, you don't have to. 170 00:13:48,326 --> 00:13:49,370 Let me do it. 171 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,789 You really have to... - Where is he? 172 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,458 Roseanne, you are so beautiful. 173 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:54,983 Thank you. - You... 174 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,922 Thank you. Is the microphone on? - Yes. 175 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:03,384 I wanted to say that I heard a brilliant set. 176 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:07,931 It was circular, complicated, back and forth, up and down. 177 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:14,979 That was a poetic, hilarious story that I had never heard before. 178 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,854 I was impressed with you. You're great. 179 00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:21,194 My god, I'm talking to Roseanne Barr. 180 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,430 I love you. 181 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:31,120 I'm from Georgia, so we're watching watching you on TV every Sunday. 182 00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,290 Right after Gunsmoke, we're looking at you. 183 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:40,338 You're a brilliant comedian, honey, and you will go far. 184 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,537 We love you, man. 185 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,851 Dedrick, I talked to your mother. 186 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,437 Those are gold teeth. 187 00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,733 If you... -Kill Tony. 188 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:03,361 I'm sorry. 189 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:08,074 If you zapped to this program after a Tyler Perry movie on Netflix or something... 190 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:12,870 This is the Dark Storm of Atlanta, Dedrick Flynn. 191 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:16,374 I spoke to your mother, but never did asked if your dad is still there. 192 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,460 Anyway. I told you then that my dad was dead. 193 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,212 Okay, perfect. 194 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,508 But he's here now. Got it? He's in the building. 195 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,508 My mom couldn't come. My dad is here. - Correct. 196 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:32,807 I believe he's in catering now. 197 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:39,123 D Madness said he's seeing my dad when he's in the room. 198 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:45,069 Dedrick, you're the man. You've done it again. 199 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,489 Everyone loves you. Welcome to the Kill Tony family. 200 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:53,036 His debut in the arena and on Netflix. - I love you all. 201 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:56,456 The American Dream, Dedrick Flynn. 202 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:05,006 Another name from the normal bucket. 203 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,925 One more time before we go back to the Legends bucket. 204 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:13,473 It's one word. A round of applause for Yang. 205 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,652 Hello, my name is Yang. I am Asian. 206 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,552 My pronouns are they/them. 207 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,602 And of/everything. 208 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,416 I am a musician. Yes. 209 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,730 My stage name is Lil Ming. 210 00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,174 Also known as Yellow Haitian 2000. 211 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,553 My personality type is IDGAF. 212 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,973 I like to buy shoes. 213 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,579 I like making shoes. 214 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,856 I have good news for you. 215 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,609 I obtained my nail technician diploma. 216 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,571 I'm just kidding. 217 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,637 Do I look like I'm doing nails? 218 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,519 Thanks, I'm Yang. 219 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:22,333 Fifty-five seconds from Yang. 220 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,461 Spelled as Yang, pronounced 'Young'. 221 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,256 Yes, it's with a G, so 'Young'. - I see. 222 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:32,051 You said you were Asian and young, and Redban came in his pants. 223 00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,012 So, very exciting. I have good news for you. 224 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,571 You're in every secret show at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club... 225 00:17:38,697 --> 00:17:39,767 forever. 226 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,687 Tonight, Residence Inn around one o'clock, if you like. 227 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:46,941 Wow. He's doing a comedy show at the Residence Inn. 228 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,860 He's really throwing his money around. - Of course. 229 00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,114 How long have you been doing stand-up, Yang? 230 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,366 About three or four years. - Where? 231 00:17:55,580 --> 00:17:56,784 Tampa, Fla. 232 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,128 Okay. - Yes. 233 00:17:58,254 --> 00:18:00,382 And you're here for the show? 234 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,123 Sorry? - What are you doing in Austin? 235 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,686 Just participate in this? 236 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,587 Yes, just for this. - Look at yourself, how lucky. 237 00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,650 Yes, I... - You're in luck. 238 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,092 You guys are very lucky. 239 00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:15,928 Am I lucky? - You're lucky. 240 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,453 Thanks, yes. 241 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,058 The more you say it, the more racist you sound. 242 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:22,977 'I suck, suck.' 243 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,937 You did great. 244 00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,064 Thank you. - You were confident. 245 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:29,358 You took a risk, and it paid off. 246 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,027 Or not? - Yes. 247 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,366 It was a fantastic set. 248 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:41,787 We have the best female ones here standout comedienne of all time... 249 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:45,458 to give you some feedback. - Naturally. Thank you. 250 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:50,452 It was very tight and fast. 251 00:18:50,578 --> 00:18:51,672 Good. - Yeah, tight. 252 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:55,106 I didn't know exactly what you meant, but glad you clarified it. 253 00:18:55,232 --> 00:18:56,234 Redban. 254 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,805 Yeah, I mean, it was boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 255 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:03,684 You could tell that you... You're a pervert. 256 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:07,480 Sorry. You say 'boom, boom, boom' after you said it was very tight. 257 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,941 What should I think about that? Sorry. 258 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,777 That's comedy language. - Sure. 259 00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:16,656 I think you're a good comedian but what i really want to know is... 260 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,324 what do you eat? 261 00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,642 Lots of sushi. 262 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,164 I mean, what do you eat in a day? 263 00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:29,210 What do I eat during the day? A lot of people ask me that... 264 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:33,148 because American women I'm not as slim as I am, so... 265 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,594 It's okay. We have to go on a diet. 266 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:42,345 We have to start again with fat-shaming in this country. 267 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:45,750 Thank you. 268 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:50,356 Bring that back, okay? That will help. 269 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:54,694 Yang, you are so talented. It's incredible. 270 00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,946 Do you do this as a job? What are you doing? 271 00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,740 How do you earn your money? - I drive for Uber. 272 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,410 Do you drive for Uber? - Yes, that's right. 273 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:06,038 I took out a $2,000 loan... 274 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:11,085 I couldn't drive on New Year's Eve... 275 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,671 so I literally almost went bankrupt. 276 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,382 But I want to pursue my dream here. 277 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:19,885 You are literally... - Thank you. 278 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:22,823 It couldn't have gone better. Perfect place. 279 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,934 You're on Netflix. You are in an arena. 280 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,186 How are you feeling? Good? - I... 281 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:33,190 Incredible. This is what I need. 282 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:39,113 I don't know if you've seen me online, but I have 30,000 followers on Instagram... 283 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:43,614 and I need this chance to become known and... 284 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:48,039 I appreciate you having this show and people who give them a chance... 285 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:50,750 and I love it. - Fantastic. 286 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,002 You hit the nail on the head. 287 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,047 Redban is sweating a lot here. - Oh, yeah. I... 288 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,050 You have a small face and beautiful white skin. 289 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:02,386 I enjoy it. - You have kidney problems, I think. 290 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,000 That's right. 291 00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,896 Very good diagnosis. 292 00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:15,691 I can see that. I've seen many. 293 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:22,114 You have to eat what she eats. Swallow a mountain of seaweed salad... 294 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:25,743 or something like that. - Thank God you didn't say "on a cock." 295 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:34,376 I sit there every week of my life stuck with it. Every week of my life. 296 00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:39,256 Yang, do you have a boyfriend? - I'm looking for a boyfriend. 297 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:43,260 Geez. What kind of boy do you like? Do you have a specific type? 298 00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:47,348 I like you. - Oh, my god. Wow. 299 00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:49,457 Wow. 300 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:53,312 Do you like Asians? You never had anything with an Asian, I believe. 301 00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,356 Redban is the Asian specialist. 302 00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,733 There's nothing more to it. - Then no. 303 00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,527 That's a good rejection... 304 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,821 Here's one. Would you like to meet her... 305 00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:05,825 Then together we can... - Shut up. 306 00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:11,497 You don't have the parts which I like, Yang. 307 00:22:12,623 --> 00:22:13,874 Do you know what I mean? 308 00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:16,562 What? - What kind of Asian are you? Thai? 309 00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:21,882 I'm from China. I love China. It's a great country. 310 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,849 Excuse me, I'm talking. 311 00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:35,664 I'm building a giant ballroom in the White House because... 312 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:41,235 I have big balls and big hands. Big hands. 313 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:46,300 And we're not going to pay for it. China will pay. 314 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:02,882 Excuse me. Fake news, fake news. 315 00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:07,720 China will pay with fentanyl tax, 200% fentanyl tax. 316 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:14,184 We're going to make America great again. Thank you. Make Kill Tony great again. 317 00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,981 You made Kill Tony great again. 318 00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:20,149 And you know what? 319 00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:24,361 Even though this is on Netflix and in an arena, let's make it fun. 320 00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:27,674 You are the newest golden ticket winner in the show. 321 00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:39,668 What a performance. Great. Here's the big joke book. Take it. 322 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,381 Thank you very much, Yang. Very well done. 323 00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:47,134 It couldn't have gone better. 324 00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:52,056 That's the American-slash-Chinese dream. . 325 00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:55,309 You took a risk, spent your money. You came here. 326 00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,604 It could have been your name had not been drawn. 327 00:23:58,729 --> 00:24:01,357 But you did it. You were joking. 328 00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:05,027 During the interview you showed calmness... 329 00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:10,115 precision and improvisation. Great. That's what this show is all about. Congratulations. 330 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,993 Ladies and gentlemen, a star is born. 331 00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:24,630 I hear drinks are on the way. Is that true? 332 00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:26,173 Congratulations, Yang. 333 00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:31,220 A round of applause for Heidi and Val. 334 00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:34,974 That was great. The drinks are coming. 335 00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:36,209 And I... 336 00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:40,562 I believe the drinks... There they are. Look. 337 00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:43,297 How exciting. 338 00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:46,276 Heidi and Val, everyone. 339 00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:54,827 A little something. - Roseanne wanted something. 340 00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:59,164 What do you want, Roseanne? Can we have a... 341 00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:02,668 Can we get water with ice? for Roseanne Bar? 342 00:25:02,793 --> 00:25:05,170 And you? - I'll have some tequila. 343 00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,920 Can I drink with you? - Naturally. 344 00:25:08,549 --> 00:25:11,362 It's New Year. That's my excuse tonight. 345 00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:18,058 Tony, may I say right away that you... you have fantastic people on this show. 346 00:25:18,684 --> 00:25:20,602 Everyone was funny. 347 00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:25,441 That's... - What a way to end the year. 348 00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:27,818 In Austin, Texas... 349 00:25:28,569 --> 00:25:31,614 I have news for you. I have the Legends bucket and... 350 00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:34,158 Do we still have one? - This is an oddity. 351 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:38,245 He was only on this show once. 352 00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:42,791 But in the meantime many say that he is one of the favorites... 353 00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:48,589 for Guest of the Year. A warm round of applause for Rob Schneider. 354 00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:58,956 Thank you. 355 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:02,042 Thank you very much. 356 00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:04,587 Thank you. 357 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:08,400 Thank you. Hello. Thank you. 358 00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:09,925 My god. Thank you. 359 00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:13,405 Thank you. Thank you very much. 360 00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,326 I'm here for some Asian pussy. 361 00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:23,769 I just saw a few. 362 00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:29,521 I just want to say, 'Tony Hinchcliffe, you make dreams come true for comedians.” 363 00:26:30,156 --> 00:26:31,556 Real. 364 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:36,053 In the name of all those comedians who launch their careers... 365 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:39,014 or relaunch, I want to thank you. 366 00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:42,142 Honestly... He doesn't listen. Honestly... 367 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,208 Tony, when you watch this back and hear this... 368 00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:52,277 I want you to know how much you mean to me... 369 00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:56,278 and what you do for comedians, what that means. 370 00:26:56,865 --> 00:27:01,078 This man, let me tell you, Ever since I've been on your show... 371 00:27:01,203 --> 00:27:02,788 If you hear this back... 372 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:06,875 Since I did a few months ago on your show was... 373 00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:12,339 absolutely nothing happened for me. Nothing. Zero. 374 00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:17,636 Zero point zero. Nothing. My life has not improved. Nope. 375 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:20,264 Nothing. Nada. Nothing fucking happened. 376 00:27:20,389 --> 00:27:24,059 No offer for anything. All thanks to you. 377 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,378 Thank you. 378 00:27:32,234 --> 00:27:34,653 I want to thank you. You can do it. 379 00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:37,865 You can do it, Austin. 380 00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:40,742 Very New Year's Eve. 381 00:27:41,827 --> 00:27:45,581 I want to say something. A lot of comedians start telling jokes. 382 00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:50,294 I want to tell you a story about something that is important to me. 383 00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:54,357 I hate it when people go to Ancestry.com. Then they go and see... 384 00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:58,469 and they say, 'I discovered that my over, over, over, over, over... 385 00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:02,806 grandfather was on the Mayflower and he was the captain.” 386 00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:07,811 Shut up. First of all, that totally says it all nothing about you. Nobody cares. 387 00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,147 It doesn't make you better or more interesting. 388 00:28:10,272 --> 00:28:12,274 All our ancestors tried to survive... 389 00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:14,651 to do their best. Clearly. That doesn't mean... 390 00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:19,491 You don't hear anyone bragging about ordinary ones things that many of our ancestors did. 391 00:28:19,616 --> 00:28:21,917 No one says, 'I discovered that my... over-over-... 392 00:28:22,042 --> 00:28:25,579 great-great-grandmother was on the Mayflower. 393 00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:31,001 She was a waitress. She dropped something and then she got fucked by the captain.” 394 00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,689 "So I'm related to the captain too." 395 00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:38,342 But I found out... When I was ten years old... 396 00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:40,969 my father told me... 397 00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:46,391 that World War II was a very drastic one event was in the 20th century. 398 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,936 That is a very drastic one event in that war... 399 00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:53,440 the liberation of Europe on D-Day, June 6, 1944. 400 00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:56,401 And that my grandfather was there. So I asked, 'Can I talk to him? 401 00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,737 Can I talk to him?' He says, 'No.' 402 00:28:58,862 --> 00:29:01,740 'Your grandfather is suffering of 'survival guilt'.' 403 00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:06,745 Why did he survive, while his friends all died that day? 404 00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:10,870 If he wants to talk about it, he will. But if you don't want to, don't. 405 00:29:11,375 --> 00:29:14,461 We visited him every Sunday. Finally my father said... 406 00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:17,274 "Robbie, Grandpa wants to talk about D-Day." 407 00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:19,861 'Now?' "Yes, let him talk." 408 00:29:20,676 --> 00:29:25,097 So I went in and said: 'Grandpa, are you going to tell us about D-Day... 409 00:29:25,931 --> 00:29:30,269 June 6, 1944, the liberation of Europe, Omaha Beach?' 410 00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:32,670 "How was that?" 411 00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:37,150 I'll never forget what he told me then: “Well, I slept in the morning. 412 00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:40,070 And then the Americans started to attack.' 413 00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:43,657 I said: 'More quickly come. They're coming. 414 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,785 Herr Hitler was right. They're fucking coming.' 415 00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:54,626 “So we shoot. We kill as many Americans as we can. 416 00:29:56,128 --> 00:30:00,340 But there were too many, and then they came those damn Canadians too. 417 00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:04,261 Luckily we had booby traps, so bombs went off. 418 00:30:04,386 --> 00:30:07,973 Arms and legs, American arms and legs were everywhere. 419 00:30:08,098 --> 00:30:10,475 I threw the American arm and the leg. 420 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:13,979 But there were too many. Eventually we ran out of ammunition. 421 00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,523 I threw down my weapon, put on a dress... 422 00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:20,569 sneaked into Belgium, sucked some cocks, but I survived the war.' 423 00:30:20,694 --> 00:30:22,094 Wow. 424 00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:25,681 Grandpa. 425 00:30:27,701 --> 00:30:31,913 I know. I understand what you mean with survival guilt. 426 00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:40,297 Thanks for the invitation. Move fat ass for a moment, so I can sit down. 427 00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,922 No, he stays put. Sit between him and Roseanne. 428 00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:47,926 Rob Schneider joins the panel, ladies and gentlemen. 429 00:30:49,639 --> 00:30:54,061 This is what we call call it an old fashioned banger. 430 00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:59,107 Let us hear you again for the great Rob Schneider. 431 00:31:03,737 --> 00:31:07,824 And we go back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. 432 00:31:07,949 --> 00:31:12,788 An ordinary person has to do a set after Rob Schneider, in an arena. 433 00:31:12,913 --> 00:31:17,501 A round of applause for Timely Rain. Here comes Timely Rain. 434 00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:25,258 My boyfriend is 30 years old. 435 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:30,842 That seems pretty okay, until you know that I thirty year olds have been dating since I was sixteen. 436 00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:34,559 I'm getting older and they remain the same age. 437 00:31:36,269 --> 00:31:40,107 I'm a pretty good friend. In my last relationship my ex said... 438 00:31:40,232 --> 00:31:44,920 "Where have you been all my life?" I said, "In high school." 439 00:31:46,446 --> 00:31:49,032 He didn't even want to go to one of my comedy shows are coming... 440 00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:51,532 let alone divorce his wife. 441 00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:56,952 I'm now on my third husband, and I have never been married. 442 00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:05,132 My weed dealer called me the other day to tell you that he has graduated... 443 00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:09,862 and to thank me to pay for his studies. 444 00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,679 I thought: Damn, I could have studied. 445 00:32:16,184 --> 00:32:19,020 Would you like to hear a dick joke? - Yes. 446 00:32:19,813 --> 00:32:21,213 I don't have one. 447 00:32:23,442 --> 00:32:26,278 I'm just that kind of girl that feigns an orgasm... 448 00:32:26,403 --> 00:32:29,341 even when I masturbate, to get rid of it. 449 00:32:29,990 --> 00:32:32,951 Thank you. My name is Timely. - Timely Rain. 450 00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:36,872 Great set. - Thank you. 451 00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:40,208 This is incredible. You were taken out of the bucket... 452 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:43,754 for your very first time last Monday. 453 00:32:43,879 --> 00:32:45,756 Yes. - During our normal recordings. 454 00:32:45,881 --> 00:32:48,133 How many times had you registered again? 455 00:32:48,258 --> 00:32:50,969 More than 50 times in the last two and a half years, I think. 456 00:32:51,094 --> 00:32:54,222 More than 50 times and you come somehow... 457 00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:59,644 wonderfully, twice on the podium in the past three days. Insane. 458 00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:03,940 This bucket has a mind of its own. - If God is good. 459 00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:07,194 Great. - Everything at once. 460 00:33:07,319 --> 00:33:09,321 Tell me again, How long have you been doing stand-up? 461 00:33:09,446 --> 00:33:12,324 I've been doing stand-up for four years in Houston, Texas. 462 00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:13,575 What do you do for work? 463 00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:16,075 What am I? - What do you do for work? 464 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:17,496 I do stand-up comedy. 465 00:33:17,621 --> 00:33:21,375 I produce shows all over Houston and I work at the Ren Faire. 466 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:23,835 I'm a bartender. I am a babysitter. 467 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,588 Anything to get my evenings off to do this. 468 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:28,113 Great. - Yes. 469 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:30,240 Great. 470 00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:32,594 So nice. 471 00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:37,344 Tell us something crazy about your life, which we will be surprised about. 472 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:40,435 I used to be addicted to drugs. 473 00:33:41,311 --> 00:33:43,105 Okay. - Not anymore. 474 00:33:43,230 --> 00:33:46,650 I quit cocaine to become a stand-up comedian. 475 00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:48,443 Nice. - Boo. 476 00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:52,906 Only cocaine? Was that your drug? 477 00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:58,995 No. I was severely addicted of ketamine, cocaine, molly and whippets... 478 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,791 and LSD, all at the same time. - Wow. 479 00:34:04,251 --> 00:34:06,503 Funny that many people applaud that. 480 00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:09,256 I don't know anymore. - Damn Austin. 481 00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:16,054 During covid... I didn't like ketamine before covid... 482 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:20,475 but ketamine made sitting at home really great. 483 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,228 So that was the final straw. 484 00:34:23,353 --> 00:34:27,649 What's the craziest thing that happened to you? then, during that period? 485 00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:31,899 Was there a moment when you knew that you had hit rock bottom? 486 00:34:32,445 --> 00:34:36,945 No, everyone says you've hit rock bottom achieved before you even realize it. 487 00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:40,620 Did that really happen to me or... 488 00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:44,666 The craziest thing I've ever seen was that all my drawers... 489 00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:48,229 from my dresser somewhere else were in the world. 490 00:34:49,004 --> 00:34:52,299 My sock closet was the beach and my... 491 00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:56,344 trouser drawer was a cathedral. 492 00:34:57,429 --> 00:35:01,600 Yeah, something like that. And then you blinked with your eyes and wash it away. 493 00:35:02,642 --> 00:35:04,978 The craziest thing that happened to me in real life... 494 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:08,690 was that I lived in a motel with a bunny... 495 00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:14,446 a dog, a cat and a diabetic DJ who stole all my money. 496 00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:19,201 Luckily you didn't have much money to steal. 497 00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:22,412 Yes, exactly eight hundred dollars. 498 00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,122 That's the good news. - Yes. 499 00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,041 Look at it positively. - Thank you. 500 00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:27,250 Always. 501 00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,961 Especially if you are addicted to drugs. - Certainly. 502 00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:31,796 You have to dig deep. - Not anymore. 503 00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:33,590 Not anymore. - Hold it tight. 504 00:35:33,715 --> 00:35:35,383 Yes. - You earned it. 505 00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:40,388 Yes. I'm the best. I'm really good at taking drugs. 506 00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:44,851 Better than you. - I thought you did a great job. 507 00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:46,770 If I may, you were amazing. 508 00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:48,688 Honestly, perfect timing. Quick. 509 00:35:48,813 --> 00:35:51,191 You didn't wait too long with the jokes. 510 00:35:51,316 --> 00:35:53,944 You know what? I'm going to pay for your penis surgery. 511 00:35:54,069 --> 00:35:55,362 My god. Thank you. 512 00:35:55,487 --> 00:35:56,947 Very good. - Thank you. 513 00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:58,948 Where's the bucket for that? 514 00:36:02,327 --> 00:36:04,037 I thought you were great too. 515 00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:08,667 You had a lot of self-confidence, you controlled your space... 516 00:36:08,792 --> 00:36:10,293 which is difficult. - Thank you. 517 00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:15,041 Your material was really current and well written. 518 00:36:15,167 --> 00:36:16,195 I try that. 519 00:36:16,321 --> 00:36:21,179 I think you have a bright future faces in stand-up comedy. 520 00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:25,517 You have no idea what it means that you say that. Thank you. 521 00:36:25,642 --> 00:36:28,478 Thank you. - You are also very original. 522 00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:30,730 Thank you. When you sat down, I thought... 523 00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,359 no, I want to know what you are think of me? But I really want it. 524 00:36:34,484 --> 00:36:36,152 Thank you. - You were great. 525 00:36:36,277 --> 00:36:38,989 Thank you. That means a lot to me. - Thank you. 526 00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:41,783 There you go, Timely Rain. - You did it. 527 00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:44,035 Thanks, everyone. 528 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,746 Timely Rain, ladies and gentlemen. - Thank you. 529 00:36:48,373 --> 00:36:54,087 Awesome, some incredible names. What a special treat in the arena. 530 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,799 No one has succumbed to the pressure yet. 531 00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:01,052 Hello, Timely. There you go. Okay. 532 00:37:01,803 --> 00:37:04,889 Ladies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause... 533 00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:11,062 for the one and only return by Fiona Cauley. 534 00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:34,693 Hello. 535 00:37:47,891 --> 00:37:49,350 Oh man. 536 00:37:52,729 --> 00:37:58,985 I have a one-year-old nephew. His name is Nico. 537 00:38:00,153 --> 00:38:02,341 Cute baby. We like him. 538 00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:07,744 At Christmas we went to his house... 539 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:14,459 and he sat on the floor in front of me with his gaze on me. 540 00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:18,722 That's never a good sign. 541 00:38:19,756 --> 00:38:25,804 And then the damn baby decides to get up... 542 00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:28,306 and take his first steps. 543 00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:40,068 The lack of respect. 544 00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:43,905 Unfounded. 545 00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:48,743 Okay, why don't we learn situations estimate before we learn to walk? 546 00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:54,916 I tripped him. 547 00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:58,461 Thank you very much. 548 00:39:00,630 --> 00:39:03,800 One of the greats, Fiona Cauley. 549 00:39:04,926 --> 00:39:06,326 My goodness. 550 00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:09,681 That's the loudest that I laughed tonight. 551 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:13,977 What a hilarious premise. Really great. 552 00:39:14,246 --> 00:39:15,311 Thank you. 553 00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:18,940 The kind of things you talk about that's typical you. 554 00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:25,446 Got it? It's great to watch you grow before our eyes. 555 00:39:26,990 --> 00:39:31,244 A few months ago you had a big appearance on The Tonight Show. 556 00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:32,769 Yes. 557 00:39:35,665 --> 00:39:37,500 I got clean. 558 00:39:38,543 --> 00:39:42,331 And now again in a real comedy show. That must be exciting. 559 00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:48,678 Super. Tell us how you are doing. 560 00:39:48,803 --> 00:39:51,097 You look great. - Thank you. 561 00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:56,477 I was afraid I looked like one skater who had an accident... 562 00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:03,151 Like my old life can't let go. 563 00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:05,927 Incredible. 564 00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:07,739 Any news? 565 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:11,159 I'm married now. 566 00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:13,101 That's right. - Yes. 567 00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:16,080 Thank you. Yes, two months. 568 00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:20,668 How are you? How has your life changed? - It's heavy. 569 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,296 Just kidding. It's going well. I'm fine. 570 00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:24,464 I loved it. 571 00:40:24,589 --> 00:40:27,675 We went on our honeymoon... - Oh, yeah? 572 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:31,679 To Cabo. - What did you do there? 573 00:40:33,014 --> 00:40:37,685 They don't like them in Mexico of persons with disabilities. 574 00:40:39,145 --> 00:40:41,520 I learned that the hard way. 575 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:43,840 We... 576 00:40:44,484 --> 00:40:46,528 We land in Cabo. 577 00:40:46,653 --> 00:40:52,241 And when you get off the plane, there is usually a passenger bridge, right? 578 00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:54,684 Not there. 579 00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:59,290 There was a goddamn staircase outside. 580 00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:03,127 Okay, kind of a trail situation. 581 00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,841 And I quite like a challenge. 582 00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:12,220 But there was another disabled girl on the plane. 583 00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:14,764 She was paralyzed from the waist down. 584 00:41:15,515 --> 00:41:18,765 She looked at me with that look like: 'What on earth? 585 00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:22,063 What do we do now?' 586 00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:24,774 I said, "They're giving me a ride." 587 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,652 Tony does that, you know. - Yes. 588 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:30,905 That's right. And it's an expensive elevator. 589 00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:32,949 Yes. - How did that end? 590 00:41:33,074 --> 00:41:36,536 Did they carry you down? - That girl threw herself... 591 00:41:36,661 --> 00:41:38,474 out of her airplane seat... 592 00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:42,000 and crawled down those stairs on her stomach. 593 00:41:43,418 --> 00:41:45,420 It was the coolest thing I ever saw. 594 00:41:45,545 --> 00:41:50,008 I tried to take a picture with her, but she was too fast. 595 00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:55,513 Great. And how did you get down? 596 00:41:56,222 --> 00:41:57,891 How did I get down? - Yes. 597 00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,602 I forced my man to carry me. 598 00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:02,792 Nice. You're right. - Yes. 599 00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:05,338 For sure. 600 00:42:06,899 --> 00:42:08,299 Yes. 601 00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:10,869 Fantastic. 602 00:42:10,995 --> 00:42:14,370 What do we think of Fiona? - Gee, first of all, I love... 603 00:42:16,826 --> 00:42:19,996 I like your appearance. You have natural charisma. 604 00:42:20,121 --> 00:42:22,665 You're funny. You are very self-conscious. 605 00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:26,540 You looked straight at me when you said Mexicans don't like you. 606 00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:31,336 I thought: Oh God, paralyzed people don't like me either. So... 607 00:42:32,008 --> 00:42:34,761 No, you're very funny. 608 00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:37,013 No wonder that you were on The Tonight Show. 609 00:42:37,138 --> 00:42:39,409 Where did they first see her? 610 00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:41,684 Correct. - Yes. 611 00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:44,562 I wonder, going back to what Rob said. 612 00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,398 You have no idea how many comedians... 613 00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,652 should be grateful to you for this platform. 614 00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:55,949 Some comedy shows book people, and some comedy shows... 615 00:42:56,074 --> 00:42:58,076 people discover. - Yes. 616 00:43:00,787 --> 00:43:02,413 And there are... - So... 617 00:43:02,538 --> 00:43:06,209 And there are comedy shows where crazy people are allowed to participate. 618 00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:07,627 That's just as important. 619 00:43:07,752 --> 00:43:10,338 Thank you. But... - This one does all three. 620 00:43:10,463 --> 00:43:11,863 Yes. - That's right. 621 00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:14,676 I would all day can listen to you. 622 00:43:14,801 --> 00:43:18,179 I'm looking forward to your comedy special. I know you'll get it. 623 00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,848 Then you have to listen all day. - You're very funny. 624 00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:22,225 Yes. - You were great. 625 00:43:22,350 --> 00:43:23,769 You were very funny. 626 00:43:23,894 --> 00:43:27,981 I thought you had the elevator for me had installed, but I get it. 627 00:43:28,106 --> 00:43:30,919 I thought: That's useful, no stairs today. 628 00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:36,489 You have talent. I'm sorry wasn't included in your airplane story... 629 00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:42,036 because I fly privately. But with all I agree with other things you said. 630 00:43:42,662 --> 00:43:45,498 It was really good. - Yes. Rob... 631 00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:50,670 Rob Schneider has a lift for his private plane and he can walk just fine. 632 00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:55,424 Walking is for poor people, I think so too. 633 00:43:56,384 --> 00:43:58,553 It's old-fashioned to move around like that. 634 00:43:58,678 --> 00:44:01,389 Grow up, buy a chair. 635 00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:04,267 You attract people and that is really special. 636 00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:07,645 You attract them. They want to hear what you say and you score. 637 00:44:07,770 --> 00:44:09,313 Congratulations. It was great. 638 00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:11,733 Thank you. - Congratulations. Well done. 639 00:44:11,858 --> 00:44:17,071 Can I just say you're kicking it made a baby funny? 640 00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:19,365 Yes. - How... Wow. 641 00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:22,200 It was always funny. 642 00:44:25,830 --> 00:44:29,167 What did the great Roseanne Barr think? - I wanted... 643 00:44:29,292 --> 00:44:33,337 I wanted to say that your writing is excellent. 644 00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:36,507 Your timing is amazing. 645 00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:41,721 I like everything you whisper and swallows great. 646 00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:45,850 You have, you know... It's like a... 647 00:44:47,143 --> 00:44:53,024 It is a very unique way of delivering. And your story is just... 648 00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:59,614 When I see how you bring this, and I've told you this before... 649 00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:02,950 that's such a triumphant mentality. 650 00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:07,872 That you turn it into such healing magic of comedy... 651 00:45:07,997 --> 00:45:13,122 which is really something that comedy can do. You're great. You're just amazing. 652 00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:20,009 Thank you very much. Really, it meant so much to me. 653 00:45:20,134 --> 00:45:25,848 My debut in Kill Tony was Roseanne there too, and it's cool to see you now... 654 00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:29,018 more than a year and a half later. 655 00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:32,647 Don't know. I am very emotional. This is very cool. 656 00:45:32,772 --> 00:45:35,272 You're great. - You're doing great. 657 00:45:36,192 --> 00:45:40,238 You're on your way to paving your way suck and fuck to the top, girl. 658 00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:41,763 That's right. 659 00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:47,036 A round of applause for the great Fiona Cauley. 660 00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:56,295 Our very own 'You found her here', the wonderful Fiona Cauley. 661 00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,321 Redban. 662 00:46:03,678 --> 00:46:06,264 Redban is still pressing the alarm. 663 00:46:09,642 --> 00:46:14,021 Let's see. We have a camera from Fiona that we always use here. 664 00:46:14,146 --> 00:46:16,065 Do you see Fiona leaving here? 665 00:46:16,691 --> 00:46:18,943 One more time for Fiona. There she is. 666 00:46:19,068 --> 00:46:21,362 She gets out on a flat bottom. 667 00:46:21,487 --> 00:46:25,992 Kill Tony does more than aviation for people with disabilities. 668 00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:29,912 I still have a name pulled out of the bucket. 669 00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:32,290 We're going to meet them all. What a crazy name. 670 00:46:32,415 --> 00:46:35,626 Let's hear it for Elvis Bulldozer. 671 00:46:35,751 --> 00:46:37,837 Elvis Bulldozer. 672 00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:55,354 Hello, Austin. 673 00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:01,485 A man spoke to me recently. He said, 'Hey man, you like cowboys?' 674 00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,362 I said, 'Yes, I like cowboys.' 675 00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:06,699 'We live in Texas, and here there are cowboys everywhere.” 676 00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:08,826 He said, 'What do you think of Westerns?' 677 00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:12,205 'I like westerns. Cowboys come into that.” 678 00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:17,001 "What do you think of camping?" 'Camping is the life of a cowboy.' 679 00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:21,255 Anyway, we decided to go camping at a place called... 680 00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,090 Brokeback Mountain. 681 00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:28,638 I became for some reason very tired after eating. 682 00:47:28,763 --> 00:47:30,931 Before I knew it, it was morning. 683 00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:34,727 You know what I discovered about camping? 684 00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:37,063 Camping makes my butt hurt. 685 00:47:39,148 --> 00:47:42,943 So much so that my ass wrote me this note. 686 00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:47,239 It read: 'I never give up. Your ass.” 687 00:47:49,033 --> 00:47:52,783 Strangely enough it was in my new friend's handwriting. 688 00:47:54,246 --> 00:47:59,371 Don't worry, I'll ask him about it this weekend during our hike on Brokeback Mountain. 689 00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:03,547 But no camping, just a hike and some anal sex. 690 00:48:05,674 --> 00:48:06,968 It's time. 691 00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:11,514 And yes, we're back with the normal program. 692 00:48:11,639 --> 00:48:13,975 I've been here before. 693 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:20,022 A crazy man who goes off on stage. Back to normal Kill Tony. 694 00:48:20,648 --> 00:48:24,318 So you've been on this show before. 695 00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:27,196 I still remember you, but the Elvis thing is new. 696 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,157 Did you want to reinvent yourself? with a wig and glasses? 697 00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:32,994 Let me take off my costume for a moment. 698 00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:35,432 You remember me, right? - Yes. 699 00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:37,707 There you go. - It's Forrest Gump. 700 00:48:37,832 --> 00:48:40,459 Okay, I'm still... 701 00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:44,046 I did the drum-off. - That's right. 702 00:48:44,171 --> 00:48:46,882 The first annual drum-off with the man with the walking stick. 703 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,094 There is still a bit of wig hair on your shoulder. 704 00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:53,844 On your shoulder, just do it like that. No, the other shoulder. 705 00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:57,393 He was a really good drummer last time. 706 00:48:57,518 --> 00:48:59,937 I don't have that much hair. - You're perfect. 707 00:49:00,062 --> 00:49:03,316 Tell me, how long have you been doing this? stand up comedy? 708 00:49:03,441 --> 00:49:06,120 This is about my 15th microphone. - The 15th microphone. 709 00:49:06,245 --> 00:49:07,862 You've been to Kill Tony twice already... 710 00:49:07,987 --> 00:49:10,573 so you really would rather... - No, once. 711 00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:12,450 This is your second time. - Yes, sir. 712 00:49:12,575 --> 00:49:14,076 So you were there twice. 713 00:49:15,578 --> 00:49:17,830 Yes, one plus one equals two. That's right. 714 00:49:18,414 --> 00:49:22,877 Absolute. What made you do it? to dress up as Elvis? 715 00:49:23,002 --> 00:49:27,590 You could have done this without the Elvis haircut and glasses. 716 00:49:28,340 --> 00:49:33,095 The Elvis thing added nothing to the joke. 717 00:49:33,888 --> 00:49:35,514 I do Elvis, but... 718 00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:38,684 I know, but Elvis had nothing to make a joke. 719 00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,728 That's it. - No, not really. 720 00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:43,064 I have an Elvis joke. - Listen, Elvis... 721 00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:45,399 Tonight you raised the bar. 722 00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:48,649 Tell us something crazy about yourself that we don't know. 723 00:49:50,029 --> 00:49:51,572 Glad you asked. 724 00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:56,994 I am a gunner, second class, from 1981 until 1985 on the USS Mount Vernon, LSD-39. 725 00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:03,584 Thank you for your service, not in comedy. I'm sorry. 726 00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,505 I gave 57 kittens up for adoption. 727 00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:09,655 What? - Yes. 728 00:50:09,924 --> 00:50:11,967 I had a lot of cats in the garage... 729 00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:16,530 two pregnant cats in the garage and one on the veranda. That's how it started. 730 00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:18,432 So I gave away 57 of them. 731 00:50:18,557 --> 00:50:21,185 I lost about 60 outdoor cats. 732 00:50:21,936 --> 00:50:23,979 And I wrote a book about it. 733 00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:28,150 Have you had 57 children adopted? - Fifty-seven kittens. 734 00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:29,860 Question. - Oh, kittens. 735 00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:33,298 Is that hair from one of the cats? I wonder. 736 00:50:33,781 --> 00:50:38,077 Maybe. - Why did you want to have so many cats? 737 00:50:38,202 --> 00:50:40,788 That's crazy. - That's crazy. 738 00:50:40,913 --> 00:50:44,417 It started with those three, those three nests at the same time. 739 00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:48,462 So I'm walking in the mall with a cart... 740 00:50:48,587 --> 00:50:51,715 full of kittens and a sign that says 'Free kittens'. 741 00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:56,220 It's sad, but it worked. But I've given away a lot of kittens. 742 00:50:57,596 --> 00:51:02,226 These people clearly hate it adopting kittens. 743 00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:05,729 We found a group who wants all the kittens dead. 744 00:51:05,854 --> 00:51:07,314 Terrible people... 745 00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:11,819 Terrible people who don't like kittens? 746 00:51:11,944 --> 00:51:14,822 What kind of audience... - My god, what is this? 747 00:51:14,947 --> 00:51:18,742 What a bunch... Who shouts boo about kittens? 748 00:51:21,203 --> 00:51:25,791 You are bad people. Okay, Elvis. 749 00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:30,963 Your joke about anal sex was crap. 750 00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:39,263 Not funny at all. Anal sex is neither nice nor funny. 751 00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,785 No way. - I'll take your word for it. 752 00:51:43,392 --> 00:51:46,437 There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Bulldozer. 753 00:51:46,562 --> 00:51:47,563 Thank you. - Thank you. 754 00:51:47,688 --> 00:51:49,307 Good luck, man. 755 00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:52,985 Elvis. There he goes. 756 00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:56,697 Just a little reset here. This is really incredible. 757 00:51:56,822 --> 00:52:00,826 This guy, two appearances in total in the show... 758 00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:05,581 and yet again a great contender for Guest of the Year. 759 00:52:05,706 --> 00:52:10,919 Let's hear it the one and only Carrot Top. 760 00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:28,141 Legends. Stay seated. Stay seated. Dammit, stay put. 761 00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:31,774 You just get up. Stay seated. Thanks, band. 762 00:52:32,733 --> 00:52:34,133 Audience. 763 00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,279 You guys are great. 764 00:52:39,198 --> 00:52:41,450 Okay, everyone. 765 00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:48,267 I only have one joke, play another song. 766 00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:52,419 Y'all got it what did you want for Christmas? 767 00:52:52,544 --> 00:52:56,090 I don't know what I got. I have waited for this show to open it. 768 00:52:56,215 --> 00:53:00,653 As a child you shake it and think: oh god, maybe it's a cock ring. 769 00:53:02,221 --> 00:53:05,474 I always asked Dad, "Is it a cock ring?" -And he: 'What is a cock...' 770 00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:09,662 Then they bought me one. My dad says: 'Go and try it on.' 771 00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,898 I don't even know what this is. 772 00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:15,359 We're going to take a look. It's very exciting. 773 00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:19,465 I think... Hell, it's P. Diddy's backpack. 774 00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:24,493 That's fucking... That's crazy. 775 00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:28,681 I've always wanted that for Christmas. P. Diddy's backpack. 776 00:53:29,832 --> 00:53:33,210 Yes, it's on Netflix. That will certainly bring in some money. 777 00:53:35,129 --> 00:53:38,254 This is beer for lesbians. See, that way... 778 00:53:39,007 --> 00:53:42,052 Or no, or everyone. 779 00:53:43,011 --> 00:53:45,848 To get men drinking Bud Light again. 780 00:53:47,266 --> 00:53:50,641 Right? Sorry. I'm going to remove all that junk put on your band thing. 781 00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:55,083 This was Pee Wee Herman's doll. Have you ever seen Pee Wee? 782 00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:57,007 You must... 783 00:53:58,527 --> 00:54:02,114 Fuck. Oh, my god. By the way, you guys are very nice. 784 00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:07,369 The next thing is really weird to do while you sit here, Fluffy. 785 00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:12,374 But I found your tray. And I don't know if you know. 786 00:54:12,875 --> 00:54:15,043 I love you. You know that. 787 00:54:17,171 --> 00:54:18,571 There's more. 788 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,907 There is even a... 789 00:54:22,426 --> 00:54:25,429 It even has a damn bell on it. You must... 790 00:54:26,221 --> 00:54:29,475 Wait a minute. I make a lot of things. 791 00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:34,229 This is fun for the plane. If the man next to you falls asleep, you wake him up. 792 00:54:34,354 --> 00:54:36,982 'We're going to fucking crash, okay?'. 793 00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:44,281 These are skinny jeans for fat men. 794 00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,990 If you could put them on, that would be really funny. 795 00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:52,539 What a mess. Oh god, the Chiefs helmet. 796 00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:55,417 The Chiefs' new helmet. Have you seen him yet? 797 00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,921 I've seen Dallas's, but i thought... 798 00:55:02,758 --> 00:55:06,345 Damn. I'm making friends, baby. 799 00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:12,393 This is great. There is technology in this. This is a bag for women. 800 00:55:12,518 --> 00:55:16,956 If a woman needs a tampon, you can shoot it at her. 801 00:55:17,439 --> 00:55:21,360 Oh shit. Sorry. Sorry, Roseanne. Sorry. 802 00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:27,507 I think of that shit and the kids in the sweatshop make it, but I write everything. 803 00:55:29,201 --> 00:55:31,328 Another handbag. A handbag for women. 804 00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:35,328 In the bar you can choose which man goes home with you. Just... 805 00:55:36,834 --> 00:55:39,647 A big cock or... You know what I mean. 806 00:55:41,547 --> 00:55:43,757 That's my least favorite so far. 807 00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:47,507 'Why aren't you like your brothers? They are doing so well.' 808 00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:51,431 This is a bag for whores. Look, they can just... 809 00:55:53,267 --> 00:55:57,437 That's how old this joke is. That's an old thing. 810 00:55:58,355 --> 00:56:02,605 Very old. I still have New Year's things. Do I have my New Year's stuff? 811 00:56:03,318 --> 00:56:05,779 Here's a box of New Year's stuff completely out... 812 00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:10,075 There are my children from the sweatshop. Thank you. 813 00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:13,287 Geez. Thank you. Thank you very much. 814 00:56:13,412 --> 00:56:17,082 Thank you. You have a beautiful box. Beautiful. 815 00:56:19,626 --> 00:56:23,505 I literally just made this. I made it backstage. 816 00:56:23,630 --> 00:56:26,800 This is Charlie Sheen Dustbuster. Look. 817 00:56:28,051 --> 00:56:30,304 But wait. Guard. Damn. 818 00:56:31,597 --> 00:56:34,516 I'm not a stand-up comedian as you see. There's a microphone here. 819 00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:38,145 Look. Guard. You must see this. 820 00:56:39,688 --> 00:56:41,088 Look now. 821 00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:44,610 It gets even better. Look at this thing. 822 00:56:48,488 --> 00:56:52,492 It sucks, it sucks everything. 823 00:56:53,744 --> 00:56:55,144 Look, I'm cleaning up. 824 00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,434 Here, I have some... - Thank you. 825 00:56:57,748 --> 00:57:00,751 It's taking me longer than I planned. 826 00:57:00,876 --> 00:57:02,586 I'll do one more... That stupid thing. 827 00:57:02,711 --> 00:57:07,799 Sorry. Is it okay if I do it? Okay. You guys are crazy. 828 00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:12,077 You guys are crazy. 829 00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:16,975 This is for women only. For tonight. On New Year's Eve, when you're drunk. 830 00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:20,288 This toilet seat holds your hair when you throw up. 831 00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:27,319 Then men shouldn't do that. That one was good. 832 00:57:29,738 --> 00:57:32,199 The holidays have just ended. 833 00:57:32,324 --> 00:57:36,262 People can sit on this toilet seat don't poop when they visit. 834 00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:41,541 One more. 835 00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:45,128 I have to do this one. Only for tonight. 836 00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:49,341 For someone who is alone. This way he can toast himself. 837 00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:53,512 Do you hear this? "Happy New Year, Chuck." 838 00:57:56,431 --> 00:57:57,831 "You too, Scott." 839 00:58:00,352 --> 00:58:02,104 You guys are really nice. 840 00:58:02,729 --> 00:58:06,233 Next... I'm not into... I'm old, damn it. 841 00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:10,112 Next. Thank you. 842 00:58:11,363 --> 00:58:14,074 I could die like this. Thank you. 843 00:58:16,284 --> 00:58:18,829 Before... Thank you. My father and mother are here. 844 00:58:18,954 --> 00:58:20,664 Thanks, Mom and Dad. 845 00:58:21,456 --> 00:58:24,167 Before I lose my career over this... 846 00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:29,256 I sent this with the idea: this joke is so old it's bad. 847 00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:36,263 This is a belt for Richard Gere, so his gerbil can exercise when he is out. 848 00:58:38,432 --> 00:58:41,768 I probably will tonight need a lawyer. 849 00:58:43,854 --> 00:58:47,024 This is the last one, and it's really from me to you. 850 00:58:47,149 --> 00:58:50,360 If you drink tonight, then let your friends wear this. 851 00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:55,532 When they are drunk and unconscious, then just leave them there. 852 00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:00,139 Happy New Year, everyone. 853 00:59:00,746 --> 00:59:04,666 Carrot Top, ladies and gentlemen. He's done it again. 854 00:59:06,460 --> 00:59:09,838 A batting average of 100 percent. 855 00:59:12,883 --> 00:59:16,696 One of the greatest ever on the show, the great Carrot Top. 856 00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:22,100 God bless everyone. Thanks for the love. 857 00:59:22,225 --> 00:59:26,850 If you keep kissing me like this, I'm at the end of the evening Carrot Bottom. 858 00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:31,652 Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of them the biggest regulars ever on the show. 859 00:59:31,777 --> 00:59:38,200 A boy who has achieved a lot and comes from such a far country. 860 00:59:39,785 --> 00:59:45,582 Someday, no doubt very soon, he will be an American citizen. 861 00:59:46,500 --> 00:59:52,714 But today he still is the Estonian murderer, Ari Matti... 862 01:00:45,100 --> 01:00:49,146 Do you know what a BBL is? 863 01:00:51,148 --> 01:00:53,525 Brazilian butt lift. 864 01:00:54,860 --> 01:00:57,154 I don't want a girl with a BBL... 865 01:00:57,279 --> 01:01:02,075 'Cause the last thing I need is distance. 866 01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:10,250 Girl, when you do a BBL, your pussy is in no danger. 867 01:01:11,334 --> 01:01:13,920 My cock lies in the hallway... 868 01:01:18,258 --> 01:01:21,970 I might have a small dick, but you know what else I have? 869 01:01:22,095 --> 01:01:24,472 A great breakfast. 870 01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:27,887 That's what counts... 871 01:01:28,013 --> 01:01:31,933 when you go out with women in my thirties. The total package. 872 01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:37,940 You wake up at my house and gets an omelet with goat cheese. Bam. 873 01:01:38,570 --> 01:01:40,697 Cherry tomatoes in the omelet. 874 01:01:42,115 --> 01:01:44,451 Not too hot, just soft enough. 875 01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:49,206 When that omelet hits your mouth, are you forgetting that cock? 876 01:01:51,666 --> 01:01:56,046 Men with small dicks have nice apartments. 877 01:01:57,672 --> 01:02:02,010 Dude, I have a USB-C port in my couch. 878 01:02:03,053 --> 01:02:05,347 Candles and feng shui. 879 01:02:06,973 --> 01:02:10,602 Someday to the apartment from a guy with a big dick? 880 01:02:10,727 --> 01:02:12,395 The bed frame is missing. 881 01:02:14,564 --> 01:02:16,524 There's a creepy roommate. 882 01:02:17,317 --> 01:02:19,694 The ice cubes taste like vegetables. 883 01:02:22,656 --> 01:02:26,969 The TV remote control, batteries in, but no back. 884 01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:36,294 A guy with a big dick fucks you for fifteen minutes... 885 01:02:36,419 --> 01:02:38,964 and then there is nothing for 23 hours. 886 01:02:40,382 --> 01:02:42,759 I'll fuck you for four minutes... 887 01:02:43,468 --> 01:02:46,531 and then we have a whole day full of activities. 888 01:02:48,515 --> 01:02:49,933 We're going for a walk. 889 01:02:50,725 --> 01:02:52,435 We play Monopoly. 890 01:02:53,311 --> 01:02:55,811 I'm telling you about my deceased mother. 891 01:02:57,148 --> 01:03:00,773 The conflict between Russia and Ukraine. I'll explain it to you. 892 01:03:02,988 --> 01:03:04,656 You're learning, bitch. 893 01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:09,577 I have a Helix mattress. 894 01:03:10,537 --> 01:03:13,164 It regulates your body temperature. 895 01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:19,087 Yes, big cocks are great. You know what's even better? REM sleep. 896 01:03:24,384 --> 01:03:28,638 You wake up feeling refreshed at my house. Pussy? No damage. 897 01:03:32,100 --> 01:03:36,646 You leave my house without a walk of shame. There is the walk to work. 898 01:03:38,606 --> 01:03:41,169 That application will be a success, honey. 899 01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:48,408 Men with a small penis are the hardest working people on the planet. 900 01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:53,371 Everyone with a good ticket tonight has a small cock. 901 01:03:56,416 --> 01:03:59,627 I know a lot of comedians with huge cocks. 902 01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,422 None of them are here. 903 01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:16,186 Who is the greatest economic power in the world? 904 01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:18,170 China. 905 01:04:22,025 --> 01:04:25,838 Just a bastard with a small dick wants to work for Temu... 906 01:04:26,363 --> 01:04:29,238 make you a Shrek mask for 90 cents. 907 01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:32,410 Ever been to China? That is the future. 908 01:04:32,535 --> 01:04:38,375 AI builds roads, their damn alphabet, one symbol has 700 meanings. 909 01:04:42,170 --> 01:04:44,214 Have you ever been to Africa? 910 01:04:54,224 --> 01:04:59,229 They don't even have asphalt. They have no wifi, small huts, big cocks. 911 01:05:01,064 --> 01:05:04,192 You don't need ChatGPT if you have a BBC. 912 01:05:06,569 --> 01:05:11,950 You guys are great. Thank you very much. - Damn. Incredible. 913 01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:17,247 A standing ovation in the arena. And the entire panel. 914 01:05:19,707 --> 01:05:25,130 Incredible. The one and only Ari Matti. 915 01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:29,217 Ari. This is most definitely the set of the evening. 916 01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:33,221 This man is trying here tonight to obtain citizenship. 917 01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:39,311 First of all I want to say that you the last few times i saw you... 918 01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:45,024 wore a tracksuit, and now it is New Year and you'll be dressed up. 919 01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:53,091 Thanks, Gabriel. I just invested at a daycare center in Minnesota. 920 01:05:56,327 --> 01:05:58,121 My Somali brothers. 921 01:05:59,539 --> 01:06:05,753 I want to say this, Ari, next superstar comedian has a small cock. 922 01:06:09,466 --> 01:06:12,510 It's true. Everything you said is correct. 923 01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:16,973 I actually don't have a bed frame. My ice cream tastes like vegetables. 924 01:06:17,849 --> 01:06:19,851 Everything you said is correct. 925 01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:24,397 That's amazing. Roseanne Barr? 926 01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:28,401 I must say, that I've had a lot of dicks... 927 01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:31,279 like i said at the beginning of the show. 928 01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:37,911 And you're absolutely right about superiority... 929 01:06:38,036 --> 01:06:41,498 of the man with a small cock. Absolute. 930 01:06:42,040 --> 01:06:43,083 One hundred percent. 931 01:06:43,208 --> 01:06:45,960 One hundred percent, buddy. - We work hard. 932 01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:48,421 That's right. 933 01:06:48,546 --> 01:06:50,465 I want to thank you for spreading... 934 01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:53,278 of the benefits we offer. - Precisely. 935 01:06:54,219 --> 01:06:57,180 Do you want to live in a basement apartment? with a man with a big cock... 936 01:06:57,305 --> 01:06:59,724 or do you want to stay in the penthouse with me? 937 01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:08,066 Absolutely correct. You are a prophet, that's what you are. 938 01:07:10,735 --> 01:07:13,863 It's very powerful, the joke, the material. 939 01:07:13,988 --> 01:07:16,408 I talked to you this week... 940 01:07:16,533 --> 01:07:21,121 about this set, how you try to keep it tight. 941 01:07:21,246 --> 01:07:23,373 Yes. - You said it's a problem. 942 01:07:23,498 --> 01:07:24,666 It's very long. - Yes. 943 01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:28,836 It lasted last night 7.5 minutes and I thought: Oh, fuck. 944 01:07:29,963 --> 01:07:33,174 I don't like it either to get too stiff... 945 01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:36,344 too much to plan. I see what the point is... 946 01:07:36,469 --> 01:07:39,055 As long as I know the end, it will be fine. 947 01:07:39,180 --> 01:07:40,765 But I was just... 948 01:07:41,766 --> 01:07:44,686 You kept it short and like you said during the set... 949 01:07:44,811 --> 01:07:47,063 Short is better. - Short is better. 950 01:07:47,188 --> 01:07:50,150 Funny how a longer set might not have worked so well. 951 01:07:50,275 --> 01:07:52,383 Seven and a half is long. 952 01:07:52,508 --> 01:07:55,758 You have a perfect example of length in your pants. 953 01:07:57,240 --> 01:08:00,201 Let me say, that was a masterful achievement. 954 01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,662 Thank you. I really appreciate it. Very sweet. 955 01:08:02,787 --> 01:08:05,874 You're the only comedian who used the entire stage... 956 01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,459 and the appearance it had. 957 01:08:07,584 --> 01:08:12,912 You're already a huge star, my friend. 958 01:08:13,038 --> 01:08:14,090 Yes. - Thank you. 959 01:08:14,215 --> 01:08:15,615 Enormous. 960 01:08:17,427 --> 01:08:22,015 Great, Ari. You are excellent. Fluffy. 961 01:08:22,140 --> 01:08:26,436 I saw you perform five times this year. 962 01:08:26,561 --> 01:08:30,690 And every time I think: "It could happen at any moment, man." 963 01:08:30,815 --> 01:08:32,484 Thank you. - 'Any moment.' 964 01:08:32,609 --> 01:08:37,989 Hopefully I'll grow up to be as big as you. - Stay for dinner, bro. That will happen. Believe me. 965 01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:40,908 Thank you. That's very sweet. 966 01:08:41,909 --> 01:08:45,663 Every time I see you, you're funnier. 967 01:08:45,788 --> 01:08:47,499 I'm trying to use this platform. 968 01:08:47,624 --> 01:08:50,960 What an honor to be a regular guest, both to show your skills... 969 01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,421 as if to improve your jokes. 970 01:08:53,546 --> 01:08:55,673 I try to make optimal use of that. 971 01:08:55,798 --> 01:08:57,592 Take it... 972 01:08:58,259 --> 01:09:02,555 Take it from this man, a big one star who can't find his cock. 973 01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:05,642 And that is incredible. He thinks you're great. 974 01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:09,687 Ari, you did it again. You are an absolute... 975 01:09:09,812 --> 01:09:12,440 saint and angel. - Unbelievable. 976 01:09:13,232 --> 01:09:15,902 The Estonian killer, ladies and gentlemen. 977 01:09:17,695 --> 01:09:20,448 An undeniable force of nature. 978 01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:23,576 With what undoubtedly... 979 01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:30,333 Great job, friend. There he goes. Ari Matti. 980 01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:37,674 Great. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian won this spot... 981 01:09:37,799 --> 01:09:42,470 at Madison Square Garden, in a four-person play-off. 982 01:09:42,595 --> 01:09:46,516 A round of applause for the return by Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. 983 01:09:46,641 --> 01:09:48,101 Here comes Danny. 984 01:09:50,311 --> 01:09:53,856 From great Canada, Danny Martinello. 985 01:09:53,981 --> 01:09:56,544 Austin, give us a thunderous applause... 986 01:09:58,820 --> 01:10:01,030 I love this city. I've been living here for a year... 987 01:10:01,155 --> 01:10:03,968 and you made me fall in love on America. 988 01:10:05,493 --> 01:10:09,122 Thank you. Just watching a flyover at a Longhorns game... 989 01:10:09,247 --> 01:10:13,122 and seeing the exercise of dominance in the air... 990 01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:15,837 That's it. Just this... 991 01:10:17,672 --> 01:10:20,425 And I said, 'Who's got oil?' 992 01:10:21,551 --> 01:10:24,012 That's what I said. I'm not even American I swore allegiance... 993 01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:28,887 to the flag of freedom and justice and said, 'Let's invade.' 994 01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,563 I love America because you are proud of your army. 995 01:10:33,688 --> 01:10:38,109 You have museums everywhere. I was traveling through Tennessee... 996 01:10:38,234 --> 01:10:42,864 and saw a museum about World War II for female fighter pilots. 997 01:10:43,740 --> 01:10:47,285 Female fighter pilots. World War II. 998 01:10:47,410 --> 01:10:52,915 I didn't know you flew. I thought that you sewed flags for the war. 999 01:10:53,040 --> 01:10:55,376 I had to go inside. I had to see it. 1000 01:10:55,501 --> 01:10:57,876 Two planes? Both crashed. 1001 01:10:59,589 --> 01:11:01,007 Never served. 1002 01:11:01,132 --> 01:11:03,885 De meiden wilden parkeren. That was the crazy thing. 1003 01:11:04,969 --> 01:11:09,140 Then I started thinking: Like you female fighter pilots had... 1004 01:11:09,265 --> 01:11:13,078 then Japan might have female co-pilots in the war. 1005 01:11:15,188 --> 01:11:16,189 Imagine. 1006 01:11:16,314 --> 01:11:20,818 Seven hours of flying over the Pacific Ocean and all the time: 'Are we there yet? 1007 01:11:22,111 --> 01:11:25,236 Is that the right port? You're just like your mother.' 1008 01:11:25,990 --> 01:11:28,865 But they were Japanese, so it sounded more like... 1009 01:11:41,130 --> 01:11:43,466 Thank you. My name is Danny Martinello. 1010 01:11:43,591 --> 01:11:46,344 Danny Martinello. Great set, buddy. 1011 01:11:46,469 --> 01:11:48,513 Thanks, Tony. - Of course. 1012 01:11:49,555 --> 01:11:51,683 You're back. - I'm back, buddy. 1013 01:11:51,808 --> 01:11:54,227 That was great. - Thank you. I appreciate that. 1014 01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:56,437 Naturally. - You jumped right in. 1015 01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:59,357 I liked it that you didn't waste time. 1016 01:11:59,482 --> 01:12:01,943 You moved the microstand and started your set. 1017 01:12:02,068 --> 01:12:05,405 And you were 100 percent energy from the beginning to the end. 1018 01:12:05,530 --> 01:12:07,655 Thank you. That means a lot to me. 1019 01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,285 You hate women. Super. - No, I like women. 1020 01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:15,832 Ik zou niet zijn waar ik nu ben without a group of beautiful girls. 1021 01:12:15,957 --> 01:12:18,584 My mom is the best person I know. Without her... 1022 01:12:18,709 --> 01:12:20,545 I wasn't who I am. Women are great. 1023 01:12:20,670 --> 01:12:23,308 It's too late for that now, but whatever. 1024 01:12:24,590 --> 01:12:26,634 You already said how much you hate women. 1025 01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:30,054 But it's good. Very funny. I like that. 1026 01:12:30,179 --> 01:12:32,807 You're going the other way, which is good. 1027 01:12:32,932 --> 01:12:35,893 You don't want to be nice, to flatter. Fine. 1028 01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:40,523 And luckily you have cowardly Canada abandoned. I'm happy about that. 1029 01:12:40,648 --> 01:12:44,235 I'm proud of where I come from... 1030 01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:47,071 but at this moment America is at the top. 1031 01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:50,700 Yes. - And I love Texas, I love you guys. 1032 01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:56,914 USA. USA. USA. 1033 01:12:57,039 --> 01:12:59,584 No, that wasn't... serious. 1034 01:12:59,709 --> 01:13:02,897 You guys are crazy. Just shout 'USA' and you go... 1035 01:13:05,673 --> 01:13:08,092 And that's what pride is all about. 1036 01:13:09,176 --> 01:13:11,429 Roseanne, what do you think? from our Canadian Danny? 1037 01:13:11,554 --> 01:13:14,142 At least you have a lot of energy. 1038 01:13:14,268 --> 01:13:15,309 Thank you, Roseanne. 1039 01:13:15,435 --> 01:13:19,187 That's really good, coming from Canada and have a lot of energy. 1040 01:13:19,312 --> 01:13:22,106 You have to. It's always cold. You have to stay warm. 1041 01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:26,652 And come here and love Austin, and that's all good. 1042 01:13:27,278 --> 01:13:28,488 That's great. 1043 01:13:28,613 --> 01:13:32,033 You deliver your jokes well and all that. 1044 01:13:32,158 --> 01:13:34,827 I don't like that you everything shifts to women. 1045 01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:37,205 That makes me angry. 1046 01:13:37,330 --> 01:13:41,751 Because those women were in service. 1047 01:13:41,876 --> 01:13:42,913 No, I... 1048 01:13:43,039 --> 01:13:48,174 That reminds me that you are homosexual and... 1049 01:13:48,299 --> 01:13:51,969 that you hide things because... 1050 01:13:52,094 --> 01:13:58,476 only gay men don't like women, I think. 1051 01:13:58,601 --> 01:14:03,356 But I wish you would just you would embrace homosexuality... 1052 01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:09,946 and then I think you can move on with a lot of good jokes. 1053 01:14:10,071 --> 01:14:12,281 Because you already have everything else. 1054 01:14:12,406 --> 01:14:18,037 If you just embrace your homosexuality, that would really benefit your career. 1055 01:14:19,121 --> 01:14:23,543 If you embrace your homosexuality, you might be on the show more. 1056 01:14:23,668 --> 01:14:25,294 Yes. - Let me tell you... 1057 01:14:25,419 --> 01:14:29,732 Tony and I talked like a pretty girl at school. 1058 01:14:30,007 --> 01:14:31,717 Let me tell you. 1059 01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,304 And your mother? You certainly can not getting along well with her. 1060 01:14:35,429 --> 01:14:37,473 We're getting along fine. She's my best friend. 1061 01:14:37,598 --> 01:14:40,059 Real? Is that why you're homosexual? - Yes. 1062 01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:44,772 What do you want? I just want sucking one tit, hers. 1063 01:14:44,897 --> 01:14:46,440 I knew it. 1064 01:14:46,565 --> 01:14:48,776 The public knows that your cock is bigger than Ari's... 1065 01:14:48,901 --> 01:14:52,071 so congratulations. - Much bigger, to be honest. 1066 01:14:52,196 --> 01:14:54,198 Well done. You're funny. 1067 01:14:54,323 --> 01:14:59,161 But, like I said, try to dig a little deeper. 1068 01:14:59,286 --> 01:15:02,665 And it will be really funny if you say you are homosexual. 1069 01:15:02,790 --> 01:15:04,190 Thank you. 1070 01:15:04,875 --> 01:15:06,669 Danny Martinello, a great place. 1071 01:15:06,794 --> 01:15:08,379 Congratulations. - Thank you. 1072 01:15:08,504 --> 01:15:10,840 Tony, I appreciate everything what you did. 1073 01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:14,552 You made my 2025. God bless you. Thank you, also to Redban. 1074 01:15:14,677 --> 01:15:18,177 Thank you. There he goes. Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. 1075 01:15:18,723 --> 01:15:20,683 The Canadian crustacean. 1076 01:15:22,268 --> 01:15:24,729 The great northern one. 1077 01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:28,589 Okay. 1078 01:15:29,567 --> 01:15:33,320 Okay, how about some applause for the lovely ladies? 1079 01:15:34,030 --> 01:15:36,699 Quickly clear some tables for us. 1080 01:15:39,326 --> 01:15:41,662 Let's continue for a moment. 1081 01:15:41,787 --> 01:15:46,292 Another very special treat from the Legends bucket. 1082 01:15:46,417 --> 01:15:48,127 This man is without a doubt... 1083 01:15:48,252 --> 01:15:53,758 one of the best guests of the year and of the show. 1084 01:15:53,883 --> 01:15:58,637 He's doing his set for us, let you guys hear for the great James McCann. 1085 01:16:00,473 --> 01:16:02,683 Kill Tony Royalty. 1086 01:16:10,566 --> 01:16:14,153 Okay. This is fun. Good. 1087 01:16:14,945 --> 01:16:18,324 I just got back from San Jose. 1088 01:16:19,575 --> 01:16:22,620 Man, a lot of Asians live there. 1089 01:16:23,662 --> 01:16:26,040 There are so many Asians in San Jose... 1090 01:16:26,165 --> 01:16:30,211 that they are the name of that city have to change to Jose-San. 1091 01:16:31,378 --> 01:16:34,340 I've been driving, I'm starting to get used to it driving in America. Weird. 1092 01:16:34,465 --> 01:16:36,884 Maybe you don't know this from the rest of the world... 1093 01:16:37,009 --> 01:16:41,197 but usually the speed limit serves to limit speed. 1094 01:16:42,765 --> 01:16:47,390 Here it is just to let you know what the wimps are going to do today. 1095 01:16:50,022 --> 01:16:51,422 Of course. 1096 01:16:52,274 --> 01:16:56,028 Everyone else is just soaking up the atmosphere. 1097 01:16:57,279 --> 01:17:01,842 No idea what the speed limit is. I watch what others do. I'm in. 1098 01:17:02,284 --> 01:17:04,472 They can't arrest everyone. 1099 01:17:04,662 --> 01:17:06,789 Not enough manpower, there is no money for that. 1100 01:17:06,914 --> 01:17:10,626 They need to build a military base on Guam or something. 1101 01:17:11,544 --> 01:17:15,357 You invent the speed camera and then you make it illegal. 1102 01:17:16,632 --> 01:17:18,032 That is wisdom. 1103 01:17:20,010 --> 01:17:25,307 Do you know why they say that there are no speed cameras in Texas? 1104 01:17:25,432 --> 01:17:27,476 Because they are unconstitutional. 1105 01:17:31,272 --> 01:17:34,835 I mean, that's obvious a very good lawyer, right? 1106 01:17:35,359 --> 01:17:38,279 I am happy with the result. 1107 01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:43,951 About 150 years ago, when they wrote the constitution... 1108 01:17:44,743 --> 01:17:49,707 So there was a man who said: 'If ever, one day in the future... 1109 01:17:49,832 --> 01:17:55,963 a genius would invent a vehicle that can drive faster... 1110 01:17:56,088 --> 01:17:58,841 than a hundred horses together... 1111 01:18:00,176 --> 01:18:06,724 and if there were a second invention that can convert speed into a number... 1112 01:18:08,017 --> 01:18:12,855 then it's fine to have those inventions to be used separately, but never together.' 1113 01:18:13,814 --> 01:18:17,651 We must separate those inventions, but keep it equal, I believe so. 1114 01:18:17,776 --> 01:18:22,907 I love driving in this country. Yes, I love it. 1115 01:18:24,909 --> 01:18:29,413 Sometimes there are speed cameras, but they have no consequences at all. 1116 01:18:29,538 --> 01:18:31,332 There's a sign along the road... 1117 01:18:31,457 --> 01:18:35,332 which states the maximum speed 65, but you drive 98. 1118 01:18:35,628 --> 01:18:39,090 Then it flashes like I got a high score. 1119 01:18:39,215 --> 01:18:41,759 I don't get a letter in the mailbox or something. 1120 01:18:41,884 --> 01:18:44,261 It just says, 'Awesome, man. 1121 01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:49,283 You've almost reached three figures, well done, believe in yourself.' 1122 01:18:49,558 --> 01:18:52,996 I like driving in America. Turn signals? Not necessary. 1123 01:18:54,230 --> 01:18:57,793 Because you have the right to privacy in this country. Do you understand that? 1124 01:18:58,275 --> 01:19:01,320 It's nobody's business which lane I'm driving in. 1125 01:19:01,445 --> 01:19:03,739 That's between me and God. 1126 01:19:05,324 --> 01:19:08,285 And the Toyota Sienna I hit... 1127 01:19:09,411 --> 01:19:11,786 and our insurance companies. 1128 01:19:13,249 --> 01:19:15,960 How much longer do I have to do? Okay. 1129 01:19:17,211 --> 01:19:19,964 I drive a minivan. I don't care. 1130 01:19:21,006 --> 01:19:25,511 I have three children. A six year old, a four year old and a three year old... 1131 01:19:26,095 --> 01:19:29,098 and there is another child on the way. Yes. 1132 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:34,019 Don't cheer for me. Come help me. I need help. 1133 01:19:35,729 --> 01:19:38,149 'This is the most magical time of your life,' they say. 1134 01:19:38,274 --> 01:19:40,359 I say, 'Come to my house. 1135 01:19:40,484 --> 01:19:44,172 I want to shower, to be part of magic. Take care of her.' 1136 01:19:44,655 --> 01:19:47,908 My wife is pregnant again. She has that pregnancy sickness. 1137 01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:50,953 She has to stay in bed all the time and be mean to me. 1138 01:19:51,078 --> 01:19:54,707 And I ride with my kids around in the minibus. 1139 01:19:55,457 --> 01:19:59,503 I like to drive the minibus, because no one messes with you. 1140 01:20:00,212 --> 01:20:04,633 Amen. If you are someone If you see a Cybertruck driving, honk the horn. 1141 01:20:05,342 --> 01:20:07,052 Cut him off. Doesn't matter. 1142 01:20:07,177 --> 01:20:10,389 A skinny man who works for Google, drives that Cybertruck. 1143 01:20:10,514 --> 01:20:15,202 You can take him on in a fight. You would can kill him with one blow, ladies. 1144 01:20:16,520 --> 01:20:19,398 Everyone sees the minivan and says... 1145 01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:21,859 'They're having a bad day. I leave them alone. 1146 01:20:21,984 --> 01:20:27,031 They don't need it.' Because every day is a bad day in the minivan. 1147 01:20:28,198 --> 01:20:32,536 My son yells at me in the back seat: 'Give me an apple.' 1148 01:20:33,162 --> 01:20:37,291 'I don't have an apple for you now, boy. You've already had an apple. 1149 01:20:37,416 --> 01:20:40,461 It got lost in the car. We'll never see him again.' 1150 01:20:40,586 --> 01:20:42,004 He: 'Dad, I want an apple.' 1151 01:20:42,129 --> 01:20:45,174 "I don't have two apples for you." "Daddy, I want an apple now." 1152 01:20:45,299 --> 01:20:51,055 I say, 'Please, daddy try 98 to drive. This is not a good time.' 1153 01:20:52,056 --> 01:20:56,435 I have to go. God bless you. God bless America. God bless Kill Tony. 1154 01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:57,978 What an achievement. 1155 01:21:02,358 --> 01:21:08,197 He grabbed the ball and ran it to the end zone. 1156 01:21:08,322 --> 01:21:10,282 James McCann. 1157 01:21:11,325 --> 01:21:13,285 Holy shit. - No, don't leave. 1158 01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:16,205 Wait a minute. Come here. - Stay here, man. 1159 01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:19,959 When you said, 'I don't know how long I have to go, '... 1160 01:21:20,084 --> 01:21:25,714 you could keep going, man. I wanted to hear more. 1161 01:21:25,839 --> 01:21:28,676 You're funny. 1162 01:21:28,801 --> 01:21:34,848 You did a great job. That 'hundred horses together' killed me. 1163 01:21:34,973 --> 01:21:36,892 That was hilarious. - Thanks, Rob Schneider. 1164 01:21:37,017 --> 01:21:42,147 That was hilarious. You have it all. You haven't wasted a second. 1165 01:21:42,272 --> 01:21:46,694 You are the boss on that stage and you go crazy for 15,000 people on Netflix. 1166 01:21:46,819 --> 01:21:48,070 Yes. - Congratulations. 1167 01:21:48,195 --> 01:21:49,863 Thanks, Rob Schneider. 1168 01:21:49,988 --> 01:21:52,238 That's very nice. I appreciate that. 1169 01:21:53,534 --> 01:21:58,872 That is the definition of a breakthrough. Roseanne Barr. 1170 01:21:59,415 --> 01:22:01,583 You came and you ate. 1171 01:22:03,335 --> 01:22:06,398 Thank you, Roseanne. - You didn't leave any crumbs behind. 1172 01:22:06,922 --> 01:22:09,008 You didn't leave a single crumb behind. 1173 01:22:09,133 --> 01:22:13,429 You ate everything. You played it down in one big bite. 1174 01:22:14,179 --> 01:22:16,223 You left nothing for anyone else. 1175 01:22:16,348 --> 01:22:18,767 That almost sounded like a compliment at the beginning. 1176 01:22:18,892 --> 01:22:21,186 She means well. You did great. 1177 01:22:21,311 --> 01:22:28,235 What I want to tell you is, this was great. A star is born. 1178 01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:31,238 Thank you very much. Thank you, Roseanne. 1179 01:22:31,363 --> 01:22:34,613 I don't know what to say. I feel shy. 1180 01:22:34,825 --> 01:22:36,035 Yes, let me just... 1181 01:22:36,160 --> 01:22:40,622 Roseanne, a kill, well, 'food', bad. That's it. 1182 01:22:40,747 --> 01:22:44,585 No, he came to eat and he ate. That's what it means. 1183 01:22:44,710 --> 01:22:47,838 We all know what she meant, Rob. - Yes, exactly. 1184 01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:51,342 You're not there. You're so old. You don't understand. 1185 01:22:51,467 --> 01:22:53,177 If you eat it... - You're old. 1186 01:22:53,302 --> 01:22:56,472 If you eat it, it's not good. 1187 01:22:56,597 --> 01:23:00,059 No, I said he was coming. Not 'eating', as we used to say. 1188 01:23:00,184 --> 01:23:03,437 I had fun. It was great to be here. 1189 01:23:03,562 --> 01:23:05,814 We have to move on with this show, I guess. 1190 01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:08,734 Good night, everyone. Thank you very much. 1191 01:23:08,859 --> 01:23:14,448 An Australian boy, discovered by Shane Gillis in Australia. 1192 01:23:14,573 --> 01:23:17,743 Shane brought him here. We all fell in love with him. 1193 01:23:17,868 --> 01:23:20,746 Austin's own James McCann. 1194 01:23:21,955 --> 01:23:23,355 I must say... 1195 01:23:24,416 --> 01:23:29,254 I haven't seen such a breakthrough before... 1196 01:23:30,047 --> 01:23:34,676 for an hour and 55 minutes in Tom Brady's roast. 1197 01:23:35,802 --> 01:23:38,555 There was a young fellow, who got up from a table... 1198 01:23:38,680 --> 01:23:41,141 made the best of it, his life changed. 1199 01:23:41,266 --> 01:23:43,477 Another round of applause for James McCann. 1200 01:23:46,647 --> 01:23:48,524 This is a very exciting moment. 1201 01:23:48,649 --> 01:23:51,443 This one comes from our regular bucket, ladies and gentlemen. 1202 01:23:51,568 --> 01:23:56,532 I drew the name of one of our great ones crew members who now work with us... 1203 01:23:56,657 --> 01:23:57,950 today helped. 1204 01:23:58,075 --> 01:24:02,663 So, ladies and gentlemen, our very own Dusty. 1205 01:24:11,088 --> 01:24:15,342 I asked my mother the other day, Since she's so pro-choice... 1206 01:24:15,467 --> 01:24:18,467 why she had decided to have me circumcised. 1207 01:24:21,807 --> 01:24:25,055 She said it was medically necessary. 1208 01:24:26,103 --> 01:24:29,857 I read books. That's a lie. She said, 'Listen, smart guy... 1209 01:24:29,982 --> 01:24:34,545 When you were born, you had a condition so you had no eyelids. 1210 01:24:38,824 --> 01:24:44,246 So your father and I have a favor for you proven by having yourself circumcised... 1211 01:24:44,371 --> 01:24:47,184 so there was some skin to transplant. 1212 01:24:49,209 --> 01:24:52,379 And before I could say anything, she said... 1213 01:24:52,921 --> 01:24:56,421 'Why do you think otherwise? that your father calls you cross-eyed?' 1214 01:25:00,095 --> 01:25:03,056 I'm Dusty, that was my time. - Hey, Dusty. 1215 01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:05,812 Yes, Dusty. 1216 01:25:05,938 --> 01:25:07,803 Hey, Tony, how are you? - It's great. 1217 01:25:07,929 --> 01:25:10,898 You had no idea you would be performing until two minutes before that set... 1218 01:25:11,023 --> 01:25:12,774 and you made the best of it. 1219 01:25:12,899 --> 01:25:16,462 How do you feel now? - Great. God bless you all. 1220 01:25:19,323 --> 01:25:21,658 I love it. So nice. 1221 01:25:21,783 --> 01:25:26,371 How are you? Is there anything we don't know about you? 1222 01:25:27,956 --> 01:25:32,252 I work behind the scenes with men coming out of prison... 1223 01:25:32,377 --> 01:25:35,130 to a new way of life, so they don't have to go back. 1224 01:25:35,255 --> 01:25:36,923 Wow, look at that. 1225 01:25:40,552 --> 01:25:45,098 Great. Do you have any special tricks? to do that successfully? 1226 01:25:46,016 --> 01:25:47,416 Jesus. 1227 01:25:48,101 --> 01:25:49,501 Look at that. 1228 01:25:52,230 --> 01:25:54,149 What are you doing? Do you take them to church? 1229 01:25:54,274 --> 01:25:59,571 We work with them as they become transferred from maximum security... 1230 01:25:59,696 --> 01:26:00,989 to lower security. 1231 01:26:01,114 --> 01:26:04,243 We start working with them in the last 24 to 48 months... 1232 01:26:04,368 --> 01:26:05,786 before they are released. 1233 01:26:05,911 --> 01:26:09,349 It's called Second Hope Ministries in Louisville, Kentucky. 1234 01:26:10,082 --> 01:26:11,291 They work with them. 1235 01:26:11,416 --> 01:26:15,212 They teach the boys to read, complete application forms. 1236 01:26:15,337 --> 01:26:16,797 Once they come to our classes... 1237 01:26:16,922 --> 01:26:20,717 we take them to churches and we take them back to prison... 1238 01:26:20,842 --> 01:26:23,262 so that they become involved in the world. 1239 01:26:23,387 --> 01:26:25,347 And when they are released, we guide them. 1240 01:26:25,472 --> 01:26:28,475 We don't say: 'You are free now. Go ahead.' 1241 01:26:30,602 --> 01:26:32,020 Incredible. 1242 01:26:32,145 --> 01:26:38,068 What is your biggest success story from someone you helped? 1243 01:26:39,778 --> 01:26:44,741 We had a recidivism rate from zero percent in the past ten years. 1244 01:26:44,866 --> 01:26:46,702 That's a success story. - Unbelievable. 1245 01:26:46,827 --> 01:26:48,227 Yes, great. 1246 01:26:49,139 --> 01:26:50,166 Incredible. 1247 01:26:50,292 --> 01:26:53,500 So you get them out of jail and takes them to churches. 1248 01:26:53,625 --> 01:26:56,795 Yes, we take them to church. We get them a job. 1249 01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:59,673 When they are released, we will take care of them that they have wallets and stuff. 1250 01:26:59,798 --> 01:27:01,425 Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. 1251 01:27:01,550 --> 01:27:04,219 It's okay. I wanted to make a joke about Church's Chicken... 1252 01:27:04,344 --> 01:27:07,472 because I suspect that many of them are black. 1253 01:27:07,597 --> 01:27:10,350 It's okay, it's over now. 1254 01:27:10,475 --> 01:27:14,563 So, after you give them a wallet, will they take yours or... 1255 01:27:14,688 --> 01:27:16,898 No. - Okay. 1256 01:27:17,023 --> 01:27:19,860 To which waffle and chicken place will they go first? 1257 01:27:19,985 --> 01:27:22,487 Roscoe's, of course. - Very good. 1258 01:27:22,612 --> 01:27:24,114 It's beautiful what you do. 1259 01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:28,489 And I have to say, the joke too, I heard a lot of free choice jokes... 1260 01:27:28,869 --> 01:27:31,121 jokes about freedom of choice, but not that one yet. 1261 01:27:31,246 --> 01:27:33,040 And that's a good angle. 1262 01:27:33,165 --> 01:27:34,708 Thank you. - Well done. Funny. 1263 01:27:34,833 --> 01:27:36,877 You're a great man. You're doing a great job. 1264 01:27:37,002 --> 01:27:39,129 It's pretty amazing. 1265 01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:41,291 How long have you been doing stand-up? 1266 01:27:41,417 --> 01:27:42,466 Six years. - Six years. 1267 01:27:42,591 --> 01:27:45,510 I think that's longer than everyone else... 1268 01:27:45,635 --> 01:27:47,763 in our team anyway. 1269 01:27:47,888 --> 01:27:52,434 And I imagine that every Monday setting everything up and taking it down again... 1270 01:27:52,559 --> 01:27:55,228 and all in one loading truck and all that... 1271 01:27:55,353 --> 01:27:58,982 can be tiring, when you see how people who don't always prepare... 1272 01:27:59,107 --> 01:28:05,030 and not always expecting it, and that is must be frustrating, because it's a bucket... 1273 01:28:05,155 --> 01:28:08,950 who has a will of his own and tonight you have... 1274 01:28:11,369 --> 01:28:14,247 got lucky. You came on... - With one minute to prepare. 1275 01:28:14,372 --> 01:28:18,669 Yeah, and it might be your good karma... 1276 01:28:18,794 --> 01:28:22,130 and it proves that you enjoy it of the process... 1277 01:28:22,255 --> 01:28:26,218 and your time has come, because now you're in an arena on Netflix... 1278 01:28:26,343 --> 01:28:29,095 in your hometown. -Amen. 1279 01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:31,890 Roseanne Barr. 1280 01:28:32,015 --> 01:28:36,186 I think you're funny. You have a good stage presence. 1281 01:28:36,311 --> 01:28:41,358 I don't like your joke about penises, I think he's bullshit. 1282 01:28:41,483 --> 01:28:45,946 And I think the help you offers to people may also be nonsense. 1283 01:28:46,488 --> 01:28:52,119 But I think that you have to come up with some jokes... 1284 01:28:52,244 --> 01:28:54,287 that aren't about dicks. 1285 01:28:54,788 --> 01:28:55,789 Yes, ma'am. 1286 01:28:55,914 --> 01:29:00,043 Especially when you help people who are drug addicts and low... 1287 01:29:00,168 --> 01:29:05,882 you know, low on a spiritual level and you like spiritual things. 1288 01:29:06,007 --> 01:29:10,220 So make some jokes about that instead of penis jokes. 1289 01:29:10,345 --> 01:29:11,402 Do you understand me? 1290 01:29:11,528 --> 01:29:15,517 It's inappropriate to talk about penises if you try to... 1291 01:29:15,642 --> 01:29:18,019 Shut up. 1292 01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:21,565 Shut up. 1293 01:29:21,690 --> 01:29:23,608 Have some respect. - Yes. 1294 01:29:24,234 --> 01:29:28,864 I hate that he talks about bullshit while trying to save people... 1295 01:29:28,989 --> 01:29:32,325 and send them to heaven. You know I'm right. 1296 01:29:32,450 --> 01:29:36,371 Fuck off. I'm right. Everyone fuck off. 1297 01:29:37,289 --> 01:29:40,917 My mother would say the same, Mrs. Roseanne. You're right. 1298 01:29:41,042 --> 01:29:42,753 You have to listen to me and your mom... 1299 01:29:42,878 --> 01:29:46,047 because I am in contact with her now to tell you the truth. 1300 01:29:46,172 --> 01:29:49,501 Come up with some neat jokes about life to get those people in order. 1301 01:29:49,626 --> 01:29:52,471 Amen. - I'm telling you the truth. 1302 01:29:52,596 --> 01:29:53,680 Hail Satan. 1303 01:29:53,805 --> 01:29:55,724 Roseanne will curse you. 1304 01:29:55,849 --> 01:29:58,769 I warn you, you guys shouldn't jeer this queen. 1305 01:29:58,894 --> 01:30:02,230 A round of applause for Dusty, ladies and gentlemen. 1306 01:30:05,609 --> 01:30:08,737 On to the Legends bucket. 1307 01:30:08,862 --> 01:30:12,032 Believe it or not, there's more, folks. 1308 01:30:12,657 --> 01:30:15,368 And your next comedian... Dusty, fuck off. Go away. 1309 01:30:15,493 --> 01:30:18,038 You know better. Fuck off... Okay. 1310 01:30:19,539 --> 01:30:21,583 Another round of applause please for Heidi and Val. 1311 01:30:21,708 --> 01:30:26,296 There are a lot of drinks tonight on this table. They're working overtime here. 1312 01:30:28,423 --> 01:30:31,968 There they are. 1313 01:30:33,386 --> 01:30:36,264 Hey, Tony, just quick. Can I toast the audience? 1314 01:30:36,389 --> 01:30:37,766 Naturally. Let's do that. 1315 01:30:37,891 --> 01:30:43,229 Ladies and gentlemen, Austin, Texas, thank you that you celebrate New Year's Eve with us. 1316 01:30:43,772 --> 01:30:46,107 Yes. - On Kill Tony. 1317 01:30:46,232 --> 01:30:49,528 To Fluffy, Rob Schneider, Roseanne Barr... 1318 01:30:49,653 --> 01:30:54,240 and this pervert Brian Redban. Happy New Year, everyone. 1319 01:30:56,159 --> 01:30:58,286 Here's another legend from the bucket. 1320 01:30:58,411 --> 01:31:03,416 It is fitting that we toast now, because this is one of my favorite drinking buddies. 1321 01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:07,712 One of the best comedians in the world had the special of the year this year. 1322 01:31:07,837 --> 01:31:10,298 This is a brand new set from the one and only... 1323 01:31:10,423 --> 01:31:11,823 Joe DeRosa. 1324 01:31:20,935 --> 01:31:23,436 Austin, how are you? 1325 01:31:28,483 --> 01:31:30,358 I love this damn city. 1326 01:31:32,320 --> 01:31:34,155 I drink way too much. 1327 01:31:34,948 --> 01:31:37,117 I drink way too much in Austin. 1328 01:31:38,576 --> 01:31:42,289 I recently went to my doctor. He said, 'I have bad news. 1329 01:31:42,414 --> 01:31:43,977 You have fatty liver disease.” 1330 01:31:45,041 --> 01:31:49,170 I said, 'Doctor, I have bad news. We don't talk like that anymore. 1331 01:31:50,296 --> 01:31:51,696 That's insulting.' 1332 01:31:53,091 --> 01:31:56,591 He said, 'If you don't like that, are you going to hate this? 1333 01:31:56,886 --> 01:31:58,471 Your heart is half gay.” 1334 01:32:00,390 --> 01:32:01,850 Jesus Christ, doctor. 1335 01:32:03,893 --> 01:32:07,393 I like drinking for two reasons. One, it's great. 1336 01:32:08,440 --> 01:32:10,984 Two, I hate weed. 1337 01:32:12,402 --> 01:32:13,802 Weed is... 1338 01:32:15,864 --> 01:32:19,826 Fuck off, you burnouts. Shut up. 1339 01:32:22,620 --> 01:32:26,916 For everyone who just booed: grow up and go to a bar. 1340 01:32:27,584 --> 01:32:29,334 That's what adults do. 1341 01:32:30,253 --> 01:32:32,003 That's what adults do. 1342 01:32:32,380 --> 01:32:36,384 Grow up and go to a bar to work on your problems. 1343 01:32:38,303 --> 01:32:44,100 You sit on a stool and stare into a mirror and you drink shots until you forget everything. 1344 01:32:44,684 --> 01:32:46,144 Okay? Yes. 1345 01:32:46,853 --> 01:32:51,232 Don't eat a cookie with afterward a panic attack on the couch. 1346 01:32:53,651 --> 01:32:58,198 Why is my life not the way I want it to be? Because you're a fucking loser. 1347 01:32:58,323 --> 01:33:01,573 You can't even get into the bar to work on yourself. 1348 01:33:04,245 --> 01:33:08,375 I'm so sick of weed be praised to heaven... 1349 01:33:08,500 --> 01:33:11,086 as if it were a purer substance then alcohol. 1350 01:33:11,211 --> 01:33:14,089 Guys, all you do is getting drunk, okay? 1351 01:33:14,214 --> 01:33:16,466 So stop with that medicinal nonsense. 1352 01:33:16,966 --> 01:33:19,678 Enough. 'No, that's not true. 1353 01:33:19,803 --> 01:33:23,515 My weed helps my anxiety to reduce... 1354 01:33:23,640 --> 01:33:27,018 and it helps me to concentrate, and improves my mood.' 1355 01:33:27,143 --> 01:33:30,206 That's exactly the same effect as alcohol has. 1356 01:33:31,898 --> 01:33:35,773 Believe me, you will never feel calmer and feel more focused... 1357 01:33:36,152 --> 01:33:41,491 then after drinking six Jack Daniels and snorting a big bar of coke... 1358 01:33:41,616 --> 01:33:44,327 from the back of a bar toilet. 1359 01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:49,080 You will be at your best. 1360 01:33:50,542 --> 01:33:55,004 Centered. Confident. Very confident. 1361 01:33:56,673 --> 01:34:00,423 "My cookies help me sleep." You mean being unconscious? 1362 01:34:01,469 --> 01:34:05,348 That is not new science. I've been doing that for decades. 1363 01:34:06,141 --> 01:34:08,454 You get high and you're unconscious. 1364 01:34:09,602 --> 01:34:14,540 People smoke that stuff while they drive. What audacity, you bunch of jerks. 1365 01:34:15,400 --> 01:34:19,195 What audacity. As an alcoholic, I find that insulting. 1366 01:34:21,030 --> 01:34:25,201 It offends me that you guys smoke this stuff while you drive me around. 1367 01:34:25,326 --> 01:34:27,203 When I point this out to my friends, they say... 1368 01:34:27,328 --> 01:34:29,956 'No, it makes me a better driver. It's fine.' 1369 01:34:30,081 --> 01:34:32,208 They like to say that. 'A better driver.' 1370 01:34:32,333 --> 01:34:36,129 That's not true. It changes real life in Mario Kart. 1371 01:34:37,005 --> 01:34:40,880 That you have more fun doesn't mean you're better at it. 1372 01:34:41,467 --> 01:34:45,096 I'm offended. I'm going hitting my weed friends with booze... 1373 01:34:45,221 --> 01:34:49,100 what they do to me with weed. Let's see how they think about that. 1374 01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:52,687 Guys, before I give us driving out of the mall... 1375 01:34:52,812 --> 01:34:56,065 I first drink four or five vodkas. 1376 01:34:59,152 --> 01:35:01,590 What? It makes me a better driver. 1377 01:35:02,579 --> 01:35:05,704 "It makes me a better driver." That's true. 1378 01:35:06,576 --> 01:35:07,577 That's true. 1379 01:35:07,702 --> 01:35:10,038 But one is frowned upon and the other not. 1380 01:35:10,163 --> 01:35:11,563 Why is that? 1381 01:35:11,789 --> 01:35:14,292 Why is drunk driving frowned upon? 1382 01:35:15,376 --> 01:35:17,087 I can promise you this. 1383 01:35:17,212 --> 01:35:24,093 I'm never that focused behind the wheel than when I'm drunk. 1384 01:35:26,179 --> 01:35:27,742 I'm completely focused. 1385 01:35:28,223 --> 01:35:31,473 Stay between the lines. You have now mastered this. 1386 01:35:32,060 --> 01:35:33,460 Damn. 1387 01:35:35,355 --> 01:35:38,107 When I drive sober, I send text messages... 1388 01:35:39,275 --> 01:35:41,277 I swear at people out the window... 1389 01:35:41,402 --> 01:35:44,197 I'm chasing a man on the highway because he cuts me off. 1390 01:35:44,322 --> 01:35:45,865 It's really crazy. 1391 01:35:47,617 --> 01:35:52,555 When I'm drunk, I think: No, there are traffic rules that you now have to comply with. 1392 01:35:53,623 --> 01:35:56,042 This is not the time for distraction. 1393 01:35:57,835 --> 01:35:59,963 Austin, Kill Tony, thanks. 1394 01:36:00,088 --> 01:36:01,756 One of the best... - Thank you. 1395 01:36:01,881 --> 01:36:06,052 In the world, ladies and gentlemen, Joe DeRosa. 1396 01:36:06,177 --> 01:36:07,971 I love you guys. - We love you. 1397 01:36:08,096 --> 01:36:12,851 Let me just say, that you are one of the oldest veterans... 1398 01:36:12,976 --> 01:36:17,313 from the Legends group tonight, a true, active veteran. 1399 01:36:17,438 --> 01:36:22,152 Everyone says that you are special this year... 1400 01:36:22,277 --> 01:36:25,155 without a doubt, 2025 special of the year... 1401 01:36:25,280 --> 01:36:27,657 and especially among your colleagues... 1402 01:36:27,782 --> 01:36:31,870 your fellow comedians with whom you has been working together for more than two decades. 1403 01:36:31,995 --> 01:36:37,750 Even here tonight, I loved that, you did what no one else could... 1404 01:36:37,875 --> 01:36:40,920 at some point was the entire audience... 1405 01:36:41,045 --> 01:36:44,007 80 percent of the people you shouted during the part about weed... 1406 01:36:44,132 --> 01:36:46,050 and then you won them over again. 1407 01:36:46,175 --> 01:36:51,556 I saw people booing you after 20 barely seconds of your performance... 1408 01:36:51,681 --> 01:36:54,184 and stood up during your closing. 1409 01:36:54,309 --> 01:36:55,727 Truly incredible. 1410 01:36:55,852 --> 01:36:58,602 I had a feeling that would happen. - Yes. 1411 01:36:59,063 --> 01:37:01,900 James McCann had also warned me. - Yes. 1412 01:37:02,025 --> 01:37:04,736 He said, 'Are you really going to take them make everyone angry? 1413 01:37:04,861 --> 01:37:06,913 Are you going to say you hate what they think is great?' 1414 01:37:07,038 --> 01:37:08,323 Yes. - Great. 1415 01:37:08,448 --> 01:37:12,660 Yes, it was... Thank you, sir, for the finger. 1416 01:37:15,580 --> 01:37:17,832 Man, you're fearless. 1417 01:37:17,957 --> 01:37:20,710 The way you did that I found it very impressive. 1418 01:37:20,835 --> 01:37:22,962 Thank you. - Nobody got them that far... 1419 01:37:23,087 --> 01:37:25,173 and brought them back with a standing ovation. 1420 01:37:25,298 --> 01:37:26,716 Thanks, man. - Bravo. 1421 01:37:26,841 --> 01:37:28,885 You haven't... - Bravo. Yes. 1422 01:37:29,010 --> 01:37:31,346 You weren't fooled. 1423 01:37:31,471 --> 01:37:32,931 You used it. - You kept going. 1424 01:37:33,056 --> 01:37:34,390 There is something very famous... 1425 01:37:34,515 --> 01:37:36,851 featuring Bill Burr in Philadelphia they booed. 1426 01:37:36,976 --> 01:37:39,062 That's how it was tonight. 1427 01:37:39,187 --> 01:37:42,732 You let it... You turned them over. That is a huge achievement. 1428 01:37:42,857 --> 01:37:45,276 I have to say that was great. 1429 01:37:45,401 --> 01:37:50,281 But I have to say that marijuana is my... reduces stress and improves mood. 1430 01:37:52,408 --> 01:37:55,995 You were the man in the arena, baby. 1431 01:37:56,120 --> 01:37:58,414 Yes. - Thank you. 1432 01:37:59,582 --> 01:38:02,710 You were a boxer. 1433 01:38:02,835 --> 01:38:04,712 You were a boxer there. 1434 01:38:04,837 --> 01:38:07,840 Thank you. - You were throwing punches. You threw left hooks. 1435 01:38:07,965 --> 01:38:10,551 You had the whole audience as your opponent. 1436 01:38:10,676 --> 01:38:14,097 And you came out on top. It was fantastic. 1437 01:38:14,222 --> 01:38:16,975 Thank you. - You are a great comedian and writer. 1438 01:38:17,100 --> 01:38:19,060 Thank you. - You took all the prejudices... 1439 01:38:19,185 --> 01:38:21,938 and shoved everyone up their asses. 1440 01:38:22,063 --> 01:38:25,942 You said, 'Fuck off. This is my opinion. 1441 01:38:26,067 --> 01:38:28,611 This is America and you're going to listen... 1442 01:38:28,736 --> 01:38:31,239 and you'll laugh and just fuck off.' 1443 01:38:31,364 --> 01:38:33,992 That's right. - You won. You were great. 1444 01:38:34,117 --> 01:38:37,620 Roseanne, that means everything for me. 1445 01:38:37,745 --> 01:38:42,500 I grew up with you. And before I came here tonight... 1446 01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:44,419 I called my mother. 1447 01:38:44,544 --> 01:38:46,879 I said, 'I'm going tonight Meeting Roseanne Barr.” 1448 01:38:47,004 --> 01:38:48,965 We were both so excited about it. 1449 01:38:49,090 --> 01:38:51,634 Meeting you means a lot to me. - Thank you very much. 1450 01:38:51,759 --> 01:38:53,553 Really, Roseanne. You are a legend. 1451 01:38:53,678 --> 01:38:57,849 Just tell your mother what I said that she raised a genius... 1452 01:38:57,974 --> 01:39:01,102 and that she can be very proud of that. - That's sweet. 1453 01:39:01,227 --> 01:39:03,688 An important theme of the evening is... 1454 01:39:03,813 --> 01:39:06,149 as your greats have said... 1455 01:39:06,274 --> 01:39:09,068 talk about things you know, about what is real for you... 1456 01:39:09,193 --> 01:39:13,739 and I promise you, no one knows more about drinking than Joe DeRosa. 1457 01:39:14,282 --> 01:39:17,076 That's really who he is, one of my best friends... 1458 01:39:17,201 --> 01:39:19,996 one of my favorite comedians, my favorite drinking buddy. 1459 01:39:20,121 --> 01:39:22,749 I love you guys. You and Redban, thank you for everything. 1460 01:39:22,874 --> 01:39:26,749 I love you all. Thank you. - The great Joe DeRosa. 1461 01:39:28,254 --> 01:39:33,551 And I have to tell you, I have to warn everyone... 1462 01:39:35,428 --> 01:39:39,223 the roof is on point to be blown off... 1463 01:39:39,348 --> 01:39:45,229 because I have a special surprise for the entire Kill Tony universe... 1464 01:39:45,354 --> 01:39:47,065 that you won't believe. 1465 01:39:47,190 --> 01:39:50,651 This is the return from one of the biggest regulars... 1466 01:39:50,776 --> 01:39:54,989 in the history of the show, a 26 year old... 1467 01:39:55,114 --> 01:40:00,953 who has achieved the unthinkable by from regular guest at Kill Tony... 1468 01:40:01,078 --> 01:40:04,916 to becoming a full-time cast member on Saturday Night Live. 1469 01:40:05,041 --> 01:40:09,420 And now he's back in his hometown of Austin, Texas. 1470 01:40:09,545 --> 01:40:12,048 This is Kam Patterson. 1471 01:40:39,575 --> 01:40:42,495 How you doing, man? 1472 01:40:48,417 --> 01:40:50,461 I have to go. I have to go. 1473 01:40:50,586 --> 01:40:53,297 Hey, listen. I am... 1474 01:40:53,422 --> 01:40:56,342 I'm on SNL now, dude. It's pretty cool. 1475 01:40:57,218 --> 01:41:00,763 It's crazy. I like it. You know what's crazy? 1476 01:41:01,305 --> 01:41:05,309 I think people are more excited are for me than myself. 1477 01:41:05,434 --> 01:41:08,646 People keep saying: congratulations, well done, cool. 1478 01:41:08,771 --> 01:41:11,524 And I know how big it is, but understand one thing. 1479 01:41:11,649 --> 01:41:15,649 I'm 26 and I'm black. I've never seen the show. I have... 1480 01:41:17,238 --> 01:41:20,783 I have no idea what I signed up for. 1481 01:41:20,908 --> 01:41:24,662 I'm just there, man. And listen, it's not that it's not for me. 1482 01:41:24,787 --> 01:41:27,165 It's for white people really, man. They really... 1483 01:41:27,290 --> 01:41:30,501 They have celebrities which I've never heard of. 1484 01:41:30,626 --> 01:41:34,964 Like, we had at one point Glenn Powell, and I thought, Who is that? 1485 01:41:35,089 --> 01:41:38,926 And they said, 'He was in Top Gun.' And I: 'Never seen that.' 1486 01:41:39,051 --> 01:41:42,847 And then we had Miles Teller as our guest, and I thought: Who is that? 1487 01:41:42,972 --> 01:41:44,432 “He was in Top Gun.” 1488 01:41:44,557 --> 01:41:47,059 And I thought: 'I've got you figured out.' 1489 01:41:47,810 --> 01:41:51,647 I'll be honest. I really mean it. 1490 01:41:51,772 --> 01:41:55,985 Not bad at all, but it's gay. 1491 01:41:56,110 --> 01:41:57,510 It's really gay, man. 1492 01:41:58,112 --> 01:42:02,550 It's as gay as it gets. Understand this, I acted like this on national TV. 1493 01:42:05,411 --> 01:42:08,474 I've shot someone before. Do you understand me? 1494 01:42:09,248 --> 01:42:14,695 See how crazy that change is in me is life? From 'Come back. Shit.' to... 1495 01:42:16,172 --> 01:42:17,798 It's insane, man. 1496 01:42:18,924 --> 01:42:25,389 One thing about the show... I'll say this and then I'll go. 1497 01:42:26,217 --> 01:42:29,644 What I don't like about it is that it ruined my situation. 1498 01:42:29,769 --> 01:42:33,773 I made good money doing stand-up Before I worked at SNL... 1499 01:42:33,898 --> 01:42:36,859 but my family had no idea that I made money. 1500 01:42:36,984 --> 01:42:43,282 Listen, that's a problem, because everyone wants money now. The point is... 1501 01:42:44,241 --> 01:42:48,788 It's like this. I have no problem with it to help someone in need. 1502 01:42:48,913 --> 01:42:52,667 That's no problem. But if you need money... Get to the point. 1503 01:42:52,792 --> 01:42:57,605 My aunt does it perfectly: 'Hey kid, check your Cash App. Bye.” That's fine. 1504 01:42:58,005 --> 01:42:59,966 Well done. My cousins call me and say... 1505 01:43:00,091 --> 01:43:05,179 'Nephew, how are you? I'm proud of you. Great. I'm so proud.' 1506 01:43:05,304 --> 01:43:09,992 I say, 'Thank you. How are you?' Then they say: 'With me? Very bad. 1507 01:43:10,976 --> 01:43:12,937 I'm up to my neck in debt. 1508 01:43:13,062 --> 01:43:16,607 If I don't get money soon, I gotta eat my kids, man.' 1509 01:43:16,732 --> 01:43:21,862 Me: 'How much money do you need?' And he: 'Only $17,000.' 1510 01:43:22,988 --> 01:43:27,488 Eat your kids, dude. I can't help you. You're screwed. 1511 01:43:27,910 --> 01:43:31,706 The funny thing is, I like it to tell my father... 1512 01:43:31,831 --> 01:43:33,332 that my cousins asked for money. 1513 01:43:33,457 --> 01:43:36,419 But I won't tell which cousin asked for money. 1514 01:43:36,544 --> 01:43:37,753 So he has to guess. 1515 01:43:37,878 --> 01:43:40,965 But he always guesses wrong, but his reasons make sense. 1516 01:43:41,090 --> 01:43:44,844 He says, 'Was it Lil' Gerald? You know Lil' Gerald smokes crack, right? 1517 01:43:44,969 --> 01:43:49,974 If you gave Lil' Gerald more than $200 you killed him, you know that, right? 1518 01:43:50,099 --> 01:43:51,726 You killed Lil' Gerald.” 1519 01:43:51,851 --> 01:43:54,562 I had no idea that Lil' Gerald smoked crack, man. 1520 01:43:54,687 --> 01:43:59,942 I thought it was hanging crooked for fun. I didn't know he actually did drugs. 1521 01:44:00,067 --> 01:44:02,737 I know one person in my family who smoked real drugs. 1522 01:44:02,862 --> 01:44:04,864 One person. My Uncle Herb. 1523 01:44:04,989 --> 01:44:06,866 Uncle Herb is a real crack addict. 1524 01:44:06,991 --> 01:44:10,411 When crack hit the market, he said, "This is my drug forever." 1525 01:44:10,536 --> 01:44:11,619 It was love. 1526 01:44:11,912 --> 01:44:16,100 He also called me to ask for money, but he makes it fun for me. 1527 01:44:16,542 --> 01:44:19,086 He called with a whole movie story. 1528 01:44:19,211 --> 01:44:24,175 He says, 'Cousin, you'll never believe this. 1529 01:44:25,259 --> 01:44:29,138 I've been kidnapped and I'm tied up in a cellar... 1530 01:44:29,263 --> 01:44:33,451 and i need 45 dollars, and they say they will release me.' 1531 01:44:34,769 --> 01:44:37,769 I say, 'You're right, I don't believe you, man.' 1532 01:44:38,189 --> 01:44:40,566 And he says, 'Do you want to talk? with the kidnappers?' 1533 01:44:40,691 --> 01:44:42,568 I say, 'Yes, give it to him.' 1534 01:44:42,693 --> 01:44:45,931 Another crack addict. “We've got your uncle, buddy. 1535 01:44:46,822 --> 01:44:50,993 Come get your uncle.' And I send him money every time. 1536 01:44:52,661 --> 01:44:56,415 The funny thing is, I send him money, but he doesn't hang up in time. 1537 01:44:56,540 --> 01:45:00,461 So when I send money he always says: 'I got him again. 1538 01:45:00,586 --> 01:45:03,589 Who would kidnap a crack addict? That's crazy, dude.' 1539 01:45:03,714 --> 01:45:05,841 I'm Kam Pat, thank you all very much. 1540 01:45:05,966 --> 01:45:09,678 Wow. He's back. 1541 01:45:10,846 --> 01:45:12,246 Our own... 1542 01:45:12,890 --> 01:45:16,828 dear Kam Patterson is back. 1543 01:45:17,353 --> 01:45:19,271 That makes me so happy. 1544 01:45:20,272 --> 01:45:24,235 It's really incredible. Welcome home, my friend. 1545 01:45:24,360 --> 01:45:26,737 Great to be home, bro. - Unbelievable. 1546 01:45:26,862 --> 01:45:28,447 For sure. - Wow. 1547 01:45:28,572 --> 01:45:29,699 Wow. - Of course. 1548 01:45:29,824 --> 01:45:31,951 Yeah, man. - Listen, Kam... 1549 01:45:32,076 --> 01:45:34,578 I was on Saturday Night Live, and I just want to say... 1550 01:45:34,703 --> 01:45:36,914 $45, you got away with it. 1551 01:45:37,039 --> 01:45:40,251 You have to pay for those things. But I, when I was on SNL... 1552 01:45:40,376 --> 01:45:44,189 You have relatives who want money, then it's important... 1553 01:45:44,672 --> 01:45:47,967 that you are now a heavy one develops a gambling addiction. 1554 01:45:48,801 --> 01:45:52,263 And you say, 'I'm wasting everything. Sorry. Nothing to be done about it. I have a problem.' 1555 01:45:52,388 --> 01:45:55,141 'Everything is gone,' that's what I'm going to say. - For sure. 1556 01:45:55,266 --> 01:45:57,977 Just an idea. You don't have to do it. 1557 01:45:58,102 --> 01:46:00,604 I just wanted to pass it along. - Really funny. 1558 01:46:00,729 --> 01:46:05,568 That sense that you already have a lot of money for SNL I thought it was great. 1559 01:46:05,693 --> 01:46:08,654 You were already hugely successful before SNL... 1560 01:46:08,779 --> 01:46:12,533 but thanks to SNL your family knew how much money you made. 1561 01:46:12,658 --> 01:46:14,493 I heard laughter down there... 1562 01:46:14,618 --> 01:46:16,829 and there sat Fluffy, in stitches. 1563 01:46:16,954 --> 01:46:22,960 One of the highest earning comedians who is harassed by family. 1564 01:46:23,085 --> 01:46:25,337 You probably recognize it. - They call all the time. 1565 01:46:25,462 --> 01:46:28,090 People sometimes wonder: why does he post so little? 1566 01:46:28,215 --> 01:46:29,615 His family is watching. 1567 01:46:30,676 --> 01:46:34,054 How's it going, Netflix? I told them not even that I'm here tonight. 1568 01:46:34,179 --> 01:46:38,492 I'll get a call tomorrow. So yeah, $45, if only that were true. 1569 01:46:38,976 --> 01:46:44,850 Your success is assured. You're a superstar, buddy. 1570 01:46:44,975 --> 01:46:45,983 You got it. - Thank you. 1571 01:46:46,108 --> 01:46:49,487 You have the whole package. SNL will be good for you. 1572 01:46:49,612 --> 01:46:51,030 I think it's really crazy, dude. 1573 01:46:51,155 --> 01:46:55,201 If you're going to make films, then they really start chasing you. 1574 01:46:55,326 --> 01:46:57,870 Then you have to change your address, your number, everything. 1575 01:46:57,995 --> 01:47:02,041 I've already done all that. They have no idea where I live. 1576 01:47:03,000 --> 01:47:04,084 Roseanne Barr. 1577 01:47:04,209 --> 01:47:08,881 I remember Tony me into the club and said... 1578 01:47:09,006 --> 01:47:11,342 "I want to show you someone." 1579 01:47:11,467 --> 01:47:13,552 I already told you that. - Yes, ma'am. 1580 01:47:13,677 --> 01:47:16,555 Then he said, 'Go there.' 1581 01:47:16,680 --> 01:47:21,143 So we went to the balcony. I looked and you were downstairs... 1582 01:47:22,061 --> 01:47:26,774 in that semi-circular little club and you were just... 1583 01:47:26,899 --> 01:47:29,985 I said, 'Look what he's doing on that stage. 1584 01:47:30,110 --> 01:47:33,739 He uses every square inch.” And he said, 'Look at him.' 1585 01:47:33,864 --> 01:47:38,953 I thought, Oh my god, this is... 1586 01:47:39,578 --> 01:47:41,538 a whole new generation. 1587 01:47:42,206 --> 01:47:43,606 This is... 1588 01:47:45,459 --> 01:47:52,007 I said to Tony, 'Heaven. He is everyone in one person and even better.' 1589 01:47:52,132 --> 01:47:55,469 And I love you. You are real. 1590 01:47:55,594 --> 01:47:58,764 Your life is real. Your heart is real. 1591 01:47:58,889 --> 01:48:01,559 Your jokes are real. I adore you. - All of us. 1592 01:48:01,684 --> 01:48:03,269 And I love you, Roseanne. 1593 01:48:03,394 --> 01:48:05,175 Incredible. - Thank you. 1594 01:48:06,021 --> 01:48:09,191 And I gotta tell you, we did a lot of shows together. 1595 01:48:09,316 --> 01:48:11,819 We have several times Madison Square Garden done... 1596 01:48:11,944 --> 01:48:16,866 the Forum in LA, four arenas here in Austin... 1597 01:48:16,991 --> 01:48:22,079 and I've never seen you like tonight in the arena. 1598 01:48:22,204 --> 01:48:24,957 It's always special to see your growth... 1599 01:48:25,082 --> 01:48:28,878 It reminds us all that we can always continue... 1600 01:48:29,003 --> 01:48:31,630 with getting better, grow and develop. 1601 01:48:31,755 --> 01:48:36,051 You have a few times with water and trying to juggle a piece of paper. 1602 01:48:36,176 --> 01:48:40,514 Bro, for the arena show I never had anything ready, man. 1603 01:48:40,639 --> 01:48:42,892 I thought, What the hell am I supposed to do? 1604 01:48:43,017 --> 01:48:44,643 I had a little time... 1605 01:48:44,768 --> 01:48:47,146 to think of something, you know? - Nice. 1606 01:48:47,271 --> 01:48:50,482 You're great. I love you. - I love you too, Roseanne. 1607 01:48:50,607 --> 01:48:55,696 Kam Patterson is born and raised in Kill Tony country... 1608 01:48:55,821 --> 01:48:58,866 and that you are here tonight means a lot to us. 1609 01:48:58,991 --> 01:49:01,035 Great. - We love you forever. 1610 01:49:01,160 --> 01:49:04,038 You are part of the family forever. 1611 01:49:04,163 --> 01:49:07,875 I'm sure we'll see you in August going to see it at Madison Square Garden. 1612 01:49:08,000 --> 01:49:10,753 You are a superstar. 1613 01:49:10,878 --> 01:49:14,628 How loud can it get in here for the great Kam Patterson? 1614 01:49:17,926 --> 01:49:21,347 He sets a new precedent for expectations... 1615 01:49:21,472 --> 01:49:25,684 and the level that is achievable by a Kill Tony regular. 1616 01:49:25,809 --> 01:49:27,309 It's amazing. 1617 01:49:27,770 --> 01:49:30,356 How about some applause for these ladies? 1618 01:49:30,481 --> 01:49:31,881 Simply wonderful. 1619 01:49:32,274 --> 01:49:36,987 Things are about to get wild again here. I must warn you. 1620 01:49:37,112 --> 01:49:40,532 Ladies and gentlemen, another winner of a golden ticket. 1621 01:49:40,657 --> 01:49:43,535 Perhaps our biggest winner ever of a golden ticket. 1622 01:49:43,660 --> 01:49:45,704 The only person I'm afraid of. 1623 01:49:45,829 --> 01:49:49,375 The only one who can force me to do whatever he wants. 1624 01:49:49,500 --> 01:49:50,960 You know who it is. 1625 01:49:51,085 --> 01:49:56,465 It is the indisputable, one and only, Timmy No Brakes. 1626 01:50:05,474 --> 01:50:06,874 Okay. 1627 01:50:07,643 --> 01:50:09,103 I'll be honest. 1628 01:50:10,187 --> 01:50:14,625 Tonight I was told that I would be clipped in and would fly. 1629 01:50:17,027 --> 01:50:21,156 And just before I came on stage, Tony screwed me. 1630 01:50:22,950 --> 01:50:26,078 Apparently it's not going to happen it was too expensive. 1631 01:50:27,121 --> 01:50:31,371 So now I need everything I have in the air wanted to do, do on the ground. 1632 01:50:32,126 --> 01:50:35,751 And none of that will make any sense at all. 1633 01:50:37,089 --> 01:50:39,550 I'm in the air, flying around 1634 01:50:39,675 --> 01:50:42,177 a suit of armor around my body, cables around me 1635 01:50:42,302 --> 01:50:44,471 I'm floating through the air I am high above the ground 1636 01:50:44,596 --> 01:50:47,141 it's Timmy No Brakes, bitch I'm not coming down 1637 01:50:47,266 --> 01:50:49,476 now I'm on the other side of the arena 1638 01:50:49,601 --> 01:50:52,062 holy shit, nice tits, bitch here's a summons 1639 01:50:52,187 --> 01:50:54,523 take out my cock and piss right on that Latina 1640 01:50:54,648 --> 01:50:57,234 I'm very tall you can still see my penis 1641 01:50:57,359 --> 01:50:59,653 show your tits show your butt 1642 01:50:59,778 --> 01:51:02,489 now I'm even higher at the very last row 1643 01:51:02,614 --> 01:51:04,908 section 211, seat three, row B 1644 01:51:05,033 --> 01:51:06,368 you are really very poor 1645 01:51:06,493 --> 01:51:10,080 I've said it before fuck West Hollywood raw 1646 01:51:10,581 --> 01:51:13,644 okay, you can do the interview start, gay man 1647 01:51:23,427 --> 01:51:25,740 Is that funny, Tony? Is it funny? 1648 01:51:29,141 --> 01:51:33,520 Timmy, it could be... I checked. 1649 01:51:35,189 --> 01:51:37,064 And you... What is this again? 1650 01:51:39,484 --> 01:51:44,865 You know I checked this for you. It would literally cost $70,000... 1651 01:51:44,990 --> 01:51:50,913 to fly over the audience. - Yes. I spent $450,000... 1652 01:51:51,038 --> 01:51:54,249 to an F18 air force fly-over to... 1653 01:51:54,374 --> 01:51:58,003 Look, here I go, Tony. There I fucking go. 1654 01:52:02,299 --> 01:52:04,674 This is the worst night of my life. 1655 01:52:06,053 --> 01:52:08,555 Why are you covered in mucus? 1656 01:52:08,680 --> 01:52:12,101 It is fire retardant. I wanted to set myself on fire in mid-air. 1657 01:52:12,226 --> 01:52:14,101 It would have been great. 1658 01:52:15,270 --> 01:52:16,670 Damn. 1659 01:52:20,525 --> 01:52:22,338 I feel like a huge idiot. 1660 01:52:30,202 --> 01:52:32,537 Why isn't the roof open? 1661 01:52:34,289 --> 01:52:35,689 Damn. 1662 01:52:43,465 --> 01:52:46,590 Start the interview. What do you want to know about me? 1663 01:52:47,594 --> 01:52:50,180 Oh my god. There is no one like you. 1664 01:52:50,931 --> 01:52:55,310 You go so far out of the box, that's really crazy. 1665 01:52:55,435 --> 01:52:59,022 Well, I was in Roseanne's playpen. I'll be honest. 1666 01:53:01,108 --> 01:53:04,695 Applause for Roseanne, she's having my child. 1667 01:53:06,154 --> 01:53:08,782 Breaking news here on Kill Tony. 1668 01:53:09,283 --> 01:53:11,493 Yes. - She's ready. 1669 01:53:11,618 --> 01:53:13,829 I love you, bitch. I love your box. 1670 01:53:13,954 --> 01:53:15,354 Tight. - Timmy? 1671 01:53:15,914 --> 01:53:17,624 Timmy? - Timmy is a... 1672 01:53:17,749 --> 01:53:19,149 Wait. 1673 01:53:26,174 --> 01:53:29,469 I can explain. I was going to fuck a Japanese... 1674 01:53:29,594 --> 01:53:32,598 in the air, in the audience. She was going to cum. 1675 01:53:32,723 --> 01:53:34,641 Everyone should know she was going to cum. 1676 01:53:34,766 --> 01:53:37,079 Let's move on. Next question. 1677 01:53:43,525 --> 01:53:48,280 Timmy, why do you still that armor and everything? 1678 01:53:48,405 --> 01:53:51,533 They said it five minutes ago, Tony. 1679 01:53:53,618 --> 01:53:55,868 Who put that there? That's... 1680 01:53:58,915 --> 01:54:01,293 Gabriel Iglesias said that they had to move it. 1681 01:54:01,418 --> 01:54:04,671 That's what amateur comedians do. You're about it. 1682 01:54:04,796 --> 01:54:06,707 This is how you do comedy. 1683 01:54:07,424 --> 01:54:10,177 Oh, God. Oh, shit, I'm on fire. 1684 01:54:10,302 --> 01:54:11,702 Oh, no. 1685 01:54:18,435 --> 01:54:21,685 That's the part that burns me would be stabbed. 1686 01:54:24,566 --> 01:54:27,569 Can I get a strawberry daiquiri? or something, honey? 1687 01:54:27,694 --> 01:54:30,614 I'm not fucking... - A strawberry daiquiri? 1688 01:54:30,739 --> 01:54:33,867 I think this audience is as much as $74,000 would pay... 1689 01:54:33,992 --> 01:54:36,242 to see you on fire now. 1690 01:54:39,081 --> 01:54:41,394 I'm sure there's someone with... 1691 01:54:41,666 --> 01:54:43,085 Texas money. - Honestly... 1692 01:54:43,210 --> 01:54:45,379 I have started a GoFundMe campaign. 1693 01:54:45,504 --> 01:54:47,964 Really and truly. We're raising money. 1694 01:54:48,632 --> 01:54:52,382 Tone has already pledged $15,000. A round of applause for Tone. 1695 01:54:53,845 --> 01:54:56,848 No, I didn't. - You do. 1696 01:54:56,973 --> 01:54:58,350 You're so funny, Timmy. 1697 01:54:58,475 --> 01:55:00,310 Oh god. I love it. 1698 01:55:00,435 --> 01:55:02,312 Yes, yes. Oh yes. 1699 01:55:02,437 --> 01:55:06,352 You make me laugh again. Yes, you make baby laugh. 1700 01:55:07,025 --> 01:55:12,572 Oh, daddy, Stinky Baby laughs too much. Yes. Oh, Stinky Baby wins PB. 1701 01:55:12,697 --> 01:55:17,577 Dad punishes baby. Yes. Great. 1702 01:55:18,829 --> 01:55:21,999 This is going to be on TV, Tony. You shouldn't talk like that. 1703 01:55:22,124 --> 01:55:25,585 That's crazy. "You stink baby?" That's too crazy for words. 1704 01:55:25,710 --> 01:55:28,839 Do you have anything else to close? except your baby's bottom... 1705 01:55:28,964 --> 01:55:30,966 with a pacifier? 1706 01:55:32,592 --> 01:55:34,030 Glad you asked. 1707 01:55:34,511 --> 01:55:37,264 I'm on tour. Go to timmynobreaks.com. 1708 01:55:37,389 --> 01:55:40,809 Ladies and gentlemen, a force to be reckoned with. 1709 01:55:42,185 --> 01:55:44,396 The one and only. 1710 01:55:45,355 --> 01:55:47,837 No. Don't. Timmy, fuck off. 1711 01:55:51,361 --> 01:55:52,821 Rejected by my wife. 1712 01:55:52,946 --> 01:55:58,201 There he goes. Timmy No Brakes, folks. A completely different kind of creature. 1713 01:56:00,036 --> 01:56:02,831 I have to hand it to you. They almost moshed. 1714 01:56:02,956 --> 01:56:06,084 We have here tonight an incredible audience. 1715 01:56:06,209 --> 01:56:07,753 Speak up for yourself. 1716 01:56:07,878 --> 01:56:10,941 You have all evening clapped for everyone. 1717 01:56:11,548 --> 01:56:16,011 What a beautiful crowd. Incredible. 1718 01:56:24,311 --> 01:56:25,711 Children. 1719 01:56:26,938 --> 01:56:29,608 Children, where are you? 1720 01:56:31,943 --> 01:56:36,239 Hey, what's that? - I have lollipops, ice creams. 1721 01:56:36,364 --> 01:56:39,534 All free today. 1722 01:56:40,285 --> 01:56:42,245 Come out, kids. - Heaven. 1723 01:56:42,370 --> 01:56:49,336 Ice creams, lollipops, all free today, kids. 1724 01:56:49,836 --> 01:56:55,592 Flaky cakes, diarrhea bombs, bunches of blueberry bubbles... 1725 01:56:55,717 --> 01:57:00,305 Chinese cinnamon rolls, marshmallow meatloaf... 1726 01:57:00,430 --> 01:57:03,892 and your sister's fallopian tubes, children. 1727 01:57:05,560 --> 01:57:10,065 This is my imitation from the child catcher in Minnesota. 1728 01:57:12,984 --> 01:57:14,384 Children. 1729 01:57:15,695 --> 01:57:17,095 Children? 1730 01:57:22,077 --> 01:57:24,202 Where the hell are the kids? 1731 01:57:27,499 --> 01:57:29,126 Lollipop. 1732 01:57:29,251 --> 01:57:34,798 Lollipop lick, lollipop lick, lick lick, lick. 1733 01:57:36,174 --> 01:57:38,501 It's the villain from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang... 1734 01:57:38,626 --> 01:57:42,013 that I didn't know two months ago. - Everything for free today. 1735 01:57:42,138 --> 01:57:45,725 Lollipops, blueberry blundle blinches... 1736 01:57:46,226 --> 01:57:52,816 cinnamon twat burgers, and lemon yellow raspberry bacon burgers. 1737 01:57:52,941 --> 01:57:55,777 All free today. 1738 01:58:02,492 --> 01:58:04,995 All free today. 1739 01:58:06,496 --> 01:58:09,249 Ladies and gentlemen, how are you doing? 1740 01:58:12,961 --> 01:58:16,882 Let's hear it for the Guest of the Year 2024... 1741 01:58:17,007 --> 01:58:18,717 Harland Williams. 1742 01:58:35,077 --> 01:58:36,776 How are you doing? 1743 01:58:38,695 --> 01:58:40,947 Wow. What a party. 1744 01:58:42,657 --> 01:58:48,371 I gotta tell you, I was walking around, Tony, Roseanne, Dave, everyone... 1745 01:58:48,496 --> 01:58:51,625 I was walking around Austin... 1746 01:58:52,667 --> 01:58:55,462 and a beautiful woman recognized me. 1747 01:58:55,587 --> 01:59:00,550 A nice one, probably a ten out of ten, recognized me. 1748 01:59:00,675 --> 01:59:02,135 She did something like that. She did this. 1749 01:59:02,260 --> 01:59:03,803 She said, "I love you, Harland." 1750 01:59:03,928 --> 01:59:07,224 And I said, 'That's pretty daring. I don't even know you. 1751 01:59:07,349 --> 01:59:09,935 Do you do this? What does that mean?' 1752 01:59:10,060 --> 01:59:13,521 She said, “I think you should say what you think.' 1753 01:59:14,189 --> 01:59:15,589 So I said, 'Okay.' 1754 01:59:21,196 --> 01:59:22,906 And she gave me one of these. 1755 01:59:23,657 --> 01:59:24,908 I said, 'No, thanks. 1756 01:59:25,033 --> 01:59:28,408 I don't like anal but thanks for asking.” 1757 01:59:29,579 --> 01:59:33,667 How many people here have the slime flu going around? 1758 01:59:36,002 --> 01:59:38,190 Thanks for sitting up front, boy. 1759 01:59:39,005 --> 01:59:41,883 Have you had that in the morning yet? wakes up... 1760 01:59:42,008 --> 01:59:44,719 and the goblins come out, the snot? 1761 01:59:44,844 --> 01:59:48,390 That damn Mucinex guy stands at the foot of your bed... 1762 01:59:48,515 --> 01:59:52,453 and that little green goblin says, "You're dying, buddy." 1763 01:59:54,062 --> 01:59:58,562 I have a little morning ritual with my girlfriend. We wake up and... 1764 01:59:58,858 --> 02:00:01,528 she does something cute where she says... 1765 02:00:01,653 --> 02:00:04,966 "Good morning, my morning bird." And then she does... 1766 02:00:13,811 --> 02:00:18,249 But now she wakes up in the morning with the flu and she says, 'Good morning.' 1767 02:00:22,257 --> 02:00:25,093 I showered with her the other day. Ever done? 1768 02:00:25,218 --> 02:00:28,138 Ever been in the shower with your girlfriend? 1769 02:00:28,263 --> 02:00:31,516 You have to decide who gets the hot water... 1770 02:00:31,641 --> 02:00:36,187 because it's only so wide. So you have to a little shuffling in the shower... 1771 02:00:36,312 --> 02:00:39,566 and suddenly it turns into a shower square dance, right? 1772 02:00:39,691 --> 02:00:40,768 You stand there and think... 1773 02:00:40,893 --> 02:00:45,081 in the shower with my chick she gets warm while my cock freezes 1774 02:00:45,905 --> 02:00:49,909 do-si-do, turn around take the soap and scrub her buttocks 1775 02:00:50,910 --> 02:00:52,412 pull her close for a kiss 1776 02:00:52,537 --> 02:00:55,081 When her eyes are closed, I'm going to piss 1777 02:00:56,499 --> 02:00:57,542 You do it too. 1778 02:00:57,667 --> 02:01:00,086 When your girlfriend washes her hair, how many of you... 1779 02:01:00,211 --> 02:01:01,899 then piss on her leg? 1780 02:01:04,382 --> 02:01:08,344 Then she says, 'Why is the water burning? It stings like a jellyfish.' 1781 02:01:10,972 --> 02:01:12,474 I have to take this nose off. 1782 02:01:12,599 --> 02:01:17,187 Just like the steam room at the gym, when the man across from me stands up. 1783 02:01:18,963 --> 02:01:20,023 I feel like an idiot. 1784 02:01:20,148 --> 02:01:23,276 The last thing I want to do has been on national television... 1785 02:01:23,401 --> 02:01:24,801 and look like a fool. 1786 02:01:34,162 --> 02:01:35,914 Tony, thanks for the invite. 1787 02:01:36,039 --> 02:01:39,429 Guys, my sister just... have her salivary glands removed. 1788 02:01:39,554 --> 02:01:43,421 Give her a round of applause. God bless you. Happy new year. 1789 02:01:43,546 --> 02:01:46,549 Thank you very much. Wow. - Harland Williams. 1790 02:01:48,426 --> 02:01:51,429 Today everything is free, kids. 1791 02:01:51,554 --> 02:01:53,223 Thank you. Happy new year. 1792 02:01:53,348 --> 02:01:57,268 Thunderous applause for the great Harland Williams. 1793 02:01:57,393 --> 02:01:59,854 He graces us with his presence. 1794 02:01:59,979 --> 02:02:05,694 He is the Guest of the Year 2024. 1795 02:02:05,819 --> 02:02:09,239 And that brings us to a special moment in the show. 1796 02:02:09,364 --> 02:02:11,741 Every New Year's Eve in the past three years... 1797 02:02:11,866 --> 02:02:16,996 we have the new one Named Guest of the Year. 1798 02:02:17,121 --> 02:02:19,416 This year will be no different. 1799 02:02:19,541 --> 02:02:23,962 Here for the extremely prestigious Kill Tony Award to be presented... 1800 02:02:24,087 --> 02:02:25,755 ladies and gentlemen... 1801 02:02:25,880 --> 02:02:30,635 let's hear it for our best friend, from Austin... 1802 02:02:31,469 --> 02:02:33,513 Joe Rogan. 1803 02:02:41,646 --> 02:02:43,459 Happy New Year, everyone. 1804 02:02:44,399 --> 02:02:45,799 Thank you very much. 1805 02:02:46,609 --> 02:02:49,153 Applause for Kill Tony. 1806 02:02:52,699 --> 02:02:57,245 Ladies and gentlemen, the 2025 Kill Tony Award for Guest of the Year... 1807 02:02:57,370 --> 02:03:02,125 was chosen by the entire cast, the crew and the band... 1808 02:03:02,250 --> 02:03:06,796 and in a stunning twist ended in a draw. 1809 02:03:06,921 --> 02:03:08,506 Start the video. 1810 02:03:09,309 --> 02:03:10,960 Every Monday, for 12 years... 1811 02:03:11,085 --> 02:03:15,889 we released an episode, and this man had never been a guest before. 1812 02:03:16,014 --> 02:03:19,893 One of the greatest comedians of all time. 1813 02:03:20,018 --> 02:03:22,270 Get up and make some noise... 1814 02:03:22,395 --> 02:03:25,145 for the great and mighty Carrot Top. 1815 02:03:27,901 --> 02:03:29,694 Come on. 1816 02:03:31,529 --> 02:03:33,907 I have a thing. - Show me. 1817 02:03:34,032 --> 02:03:36,845 It's a mousetrap for homosexual mice. 1818 02:03:40,038 --> 02:03:43,163 This is a coffee cup for lesbians. Look, like this... 1819 02:03:43,958 --> 02:03:46,583 A towel for when you go to Disney. 1820 02:03:46,961 --> 02:03:49,172 You can walk by the pool, "Everything kits?" 1821 02:03:49,297 --> 02:03:52,008 You know that photo on the internet appears, with me... 1822 02:03:52,133 --> 02:03:55,883 looking at Carrot Tops thing hanging out of his towel. 1823 02:03:57,472 --> 02:04:00,183 One of the largest comedy movie stars of all time... 1824 02:04:00,308 --> 02:04:03,770 ladies and gentlemen, here is our guest, Rob Schneider. 1825 02:04:05,939 --> 02:04:09,609 You can do it. The best show in the world. 1826 02:04:09,734 --> 02:04:11,444 Yes. - Come on. 1827 02:04:12,320 --> 02:04:15,031 What do you do for work? - I'm an assistant to a real estate agent. 1828 02:04:15,156 --> 02:04:19,897 In my experience even half is possible retarded to be a real estate agent, so... 1829 02:04:20,022 --> 02:04:22,288 You can't say that, Rob. 1830 02:04:22,413 --> 02:04:26,542 Half a real estate agent's assistant is possible be completely retarded, I think. 1831 02:04:27,669 --> 02:04:30,380 Can we put a little on Rob's nipple? 1832 02:04:32,674 --> 02:04:35,218 If someone... - What I mean is... 1833 02:04:35,343 --> 02:04:38,273 That black man interrupts me again. - What I mean is... 1834 02:04:38,398 --> 02:04:42,225 Shoot this, shoot this. 1835 02:04:43,142 --> 02:04:45,061 You give me one minute without interruptions? 1836 02:04:45,186 --> 02:04:48,147 If you give me five seconds gives continuously. 1837 02:05:02,912 --> 02:05:05,665 Ladies and gentlemen, the award for Guests of the Year... 1838 02:05:05,790 --> 02:05:08,876 Rob Schneider and Carrot Top. 1839 02:05:10,086 --> 02:05:12,005 My god, thank you so much. 1840 02:05:15,591 --> 02:05:16,991 Thanks, buddy. 1841 02:05:22,598 --> 02:05:24,517 Did we both win? 1842 02:05:24,642 --> 02:05:28,229 I think you have your own microphone. - That's right. Yes. 1843 02:05:29,105 --> 02:05:31,065 You both won. Congratulations. 1844 02:05:31,190 --> 02:05:32,901 Thanks, Joe. You are a hero. 1845 02:05:33,026 --> 02:05:36,321 During Covid, you were the only person which I believed all the time. 1846 02:05:36,446 --> 02:05:39,115 “What does Joe Rogan say?” I said. God bless you. 1847 02:05:39,240 --> 02:05:41,534 I love you. You are a hero. 1848 02:05:41,659 --> 02:05:47,081 A lesson for comedians: You can be more than just a comedian. 1849 02:05:47,206 --> 02:05:50,209 You can change the world, and you did. God bless you. 1850 02:05:50,334 --> 02:05:51,419 I mean it. 1851 02:05:51,544 --> 02:05:55,298 This is very embarrassing. I just did a wild guess and I was right. 1852 02:05:55,423 --> 02:05:56,925 That's all it was. 1853 02:05:57,050 --> 02:06:00,094 I say I don't trust anyone. But you guys are great. 1854 02:06:00,219 --> 02:06:02,782 Congratulations, both of you. - And Tony... 1855 02:06:03,097 --> 02:06:06,559 I'm talking in that... Tony, thank you very much. 1856 02:06:08,102 --> 02:06:10,665 I think it's inappropriate for me to chew gum. 1857 02:06:13,900 --> 02:06:16,361 Terrible to chew gum here to have in your mouth. 1858 02:06:16,486 --> 02:06:19,739 You are a great audience that can sustain a show for five hours. 1859 02:06:19,864 --> 02:06:22,033 Tony, Roseanne. Oh, man, you. 1860 02:06:22,158 --> 02:06:24,953 You've been very good. You're good to me. 1861 02:06:25,078 --> 02:06:27,747 Rob. - Tony, thanks for this, man. 1862 02:06:27,872 --> 02:06:30,083 I never felt such love... 1863 02:06:30,208 --> 02:06:32,710 of a group of comedians, then at the Mothership... 1864 02:06:32,835 --> 02:06:36,214 and from you, Tony. So I'm very grateful to you. 1865 02:06:36,339 --> 02:06:37,347 I appreciate it. 1866 02:06:37,473 --> 02:06:39,217 Thank you. - Well deserved, gentlemen. 1867 02:06:39,342 --> 02:06:42,136 It ended in a crazy 22-22 draw. 1868 02:06:42,261 --> 02:06:44,138 Can I have one more thing? - Yes, one more thing. 1869 02:06:44,263 --> 02:06:46,516 One more thing. I forgot. 1870 02:06:46,641 --> 02:06:50,266 It's a party favor tonight, before someone has asthma. 1871 02:06:52,814 --> 02:06:54,774 So you can have fun and not die. 1872 02:06:54,899 --> 02:06:56,859 This is the craziest show on earth. 1873 02:06:56,984 --> 02:07:00,113 Can you make some noise again? for Joe Rogan... 1874 02:07:00,238 --> 02:07:05,493 and our Guests of the Year 2025? 1875 02:07:05,618 --> 02:07:08,975 I love you, buddy. - Congratulations, man. 1876 02:07:10,540 --> 02:07:12,458 Thanks a lot, guys. 1877 02:07:15,086 --> 02:07:18,006 Can we get another chair? for Carrot Top... 1878 02:07:18,131 --> 02:07:21,718 so he can sit here with us to close the show? 1879 02:07:21,843 --> 02:07:25,138 Because you can do an episode like this but close in a way. 1880 02:07:25,263 --> 02:07:27,807 Come here, Carrot. Rob, you can sit back down. 1881 02:07:27,932 --> 02:07:30,393 We'll get you a chair quickly, Carrot. 1882 02:07:30,518 --> 02:07:32,186 We'll get you a chair. 1883 02:07:32,311 --> 02:07:35,773 Because there is only one way to end an episode like this. 1884 02:07:35,898 --> 02:07:38,211 You can come and sit here and participate. 1885 02:07:38,526 --> 02:07:39,926 Here. - Yes. 1886 02:07:40,361 --> 02:07:43,197 And that's with the comedian who holds the record... 1887 02:07:43,322 --> 02:07:48,202 for most appearances ever, most interviews ever... 1888 02:07:48,870 --> 02:07:52,081 a living member from the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. 1889 02:07:52,206 --> 02:07:56,836 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Austin Orangutan... 1890 02:07:56,961 --> 02:08:00,840 the Memphis Strangler, the Nuisance of Nashville... 1891 02:08:00,965 --> 02:08:04,802 the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla... 1892 02:08:04,927 --> 02:08:08,347 William Montgomery. 1893 02:08:35,249 --> 02:08:38,336 I hadn't realised that so many daycare centers... 1894 02:08:38,461 --> 02:08:41,756 had been hijacked by Somali pirates. 1895 02:08:43,633 --> 02:08:46,761 They get a substitute and then he says... 1896 02:08:46,886 --> 02:08:50,598 "We're going to watch Black Hawk Down today." And those three year olds say... 1897 02:08:50,723 --> 02:08:54,411 “Again, we have that movie saw it six times last week.' 1898 02:08:55,061 --> 02:08:57,939 I'm kidding. There are no children in those schools. 1899 02:08:58,064 --> 02:09:00,942 They are called child soldiers. 1900 02:09:02,401 --> 02:09:06,864 I would like every ethnic group a daycare center would start. 1901 02:09:06,989 --> 02:09:11,739 You go to a playgroup Jamaica and it's basically an arcade. 1902 02:09:14,205 --> 02:09:16,833 You go to the German daycare center and they say... 1903 02:09:16,958 --> 02:09:19,210 "It's really just a camp." 1904 02:09:19,335 --> 02:09:21,254 You ask: 'Are the children at camp?' 1905 02:09:21,379 --> 02:09:24,465 And they say, 'No, they run the camp.' 1906 02:09:26,008 --> 02:09:30,554 So the Vatican works together with the K-pop Demon Hunters? 1907 02:09:31,305 --> 02:09:36,561 They need help. Okay, my time is up, Tony. 1908 02:09:36,686 --> 02:09:40,982 The most beloved being, William Montgomery. 1909 02:09:42,608 --> 02:09:47,154 I thought these people were famous with the Somali situation, man. 1910 02:09:48,197 --> 02:09:50,366 Yes. - But it's nice to be here. 1911 02:09:50,491 --> 02:09:54,370 I just got back from Saudi Arabia where I had a hair transplant done... 1912 02:09:54,495 --> 02:09:57,248 but they are actually Swarovski crystals. 1913 02:09:57,373 --> 02:09:59,458 Wow. - Yep. 1914 02:09:59,583 --> 02:10:02,295 It was a happy Christmas for me. 1915 02:10:02,795 --> 02:10:08,843 I'm back in the city and I'm enjoying it of watching the new Stranger Things. 1916 02:10:08,968 --> 02:10:11,345 Okay. How are you? 1917 02:10:11,470 --> 02:10:13,848 I hate it, Tony. 1918 02:10:15,641 --> 02:10:17,059 What do you mean... 1919 02:10:18,102 --> 02:10:22,315 We're on Netflix. I don't think you can bash it... 1920 02:10:22,440 --> 02:10:26,068 Right. No, yes, it's great. - What do you like about it? 1921 02:10:26,193 --> 02:10:28,237 Gosh, just all the characters. 1922 02:10:28,362 --> 02:10:31,490 You know I'm talking about Eleven, Tony. 1923 02:10:31,615 --> 02:10:35,411 Wow. - No, actually she looks too old. 1924 02:10:36,454 --> 02:10:38,331 I can't believe it. 1925 02:10:41,246 --> 02:10:42,347 Who else? 1926 02:10:42,473 --> 02:10:45,710 That one child is homosexual, which I think is beautiful. 1927 02:10:46,672 --> 02:10:48,072 Yes, yes. 1928 02:10:48,716 --> 02:10:51,779 But yeah, I don't know. It's almost New Year's. 1929 02:10:51,905 --> 02:10:53,054 Great. 1930 02:10:53,179 --> 02:10:58,976 You're the only one tonight wearing his security badge. 1931 02:10:59,101 --> 02:11:02,396 As if someone saw you backstage might have stopped. 1932 02:11:02,521 --> 02:11:06,150 They did, Tony. They saw me and tried to throw me out. 1933 02:11:06,275 --> 02:11:08,778 I literally had to do this take it out of my back pocket. 1934 02:11:08,903 --> 02:11:10,915 I had a terrible evening. 1935 02:11:11,040 --> 02:11:13,166 Some guy said, 'Who the hell are you?' 1936 02:11:13,291 --> 02:11:16,035 "What's that stuff on your head?" And me: 'I'm on that show. 1937 02:11:16,160 --> 02:11:20,248 I was just in Saudi Arabia. Why the hell are you interrogating me?' 1938 02:11:20,373 --> 02:11:21,749 So I hung it around my neck. 1939 02:11:21,874 --> 02:11:24,001 I had to, I wanted to don't have that again. 1940 02:11:24,126 --> 02:11:25,169 Great. 1941 02:11:25,294 --> 02:11:28,089 Redban, you look fine with that stuff on your head, idiot. 1942 02:11:28,214 --> 02:11:30,007 Do you know that's there? Is that on purpose? 1943 02:11:30,132 --> 02:11:32,510 Thanks for firing that at me. That really hurt. 1944 02:11:32,635 --> 02:11:35,429 It really hurt. - Yes, it was very loud. 1945 02:11:35,554 --> 02:11:40,242 A bold move for a high-quality to fire a confetti cannon directly at us. 1946 02:11:41,903 --> 02:11:42,925 Honestly... 1947 02:11:43,051 --> 02:11:47,222 I pretended it was a gun, and I managed that too. 1948 02:11:47,817 --> 02:11:50,987 A daring maneuver by a man he knows he'll get away... 1949 02:11:51,112 --> 02:11:54,657 with just about everything. William, you are a wild boy. 1950 02:11:54,782 --> 02:11:59,470 Do you have any feedback for the absolutely insane William Montgomery? 1951 02:12:01,288 --> 02:12:03,541 You are definitely outside the box. 1952 02:12:03,666 --> 02:12:08,129 You have your own energy and you are completely you. 1953 02:12:08,254 --> 02:12:12,758 I'm not going to say whether it's good or not is bad. I can see that it is different. 1954 02:12:12,883 --> 02:12:16,280 You, my friend, are very different. You are striking. 1955 02:12:17,596 --> 02:12:20,474 You're a star on this show. So yes. 1956 02:12:20,599 --> 02:12:23,519 I don't know what you guys think. - Tony, I feel terrible. 1957 02:12:23,644 --> 02:12:26,731 Dedrick was crying, damn... 1958 02:12:26,856 --> 02:12:29,650 People were crying here tonight and I don't want to cry here. 1959 02:12:29,775 --> 02:12:32,181 I almost cry but I don't feel like it. 1960 02:12:32,307 --> 02:12:33,355 Don't cry. 1961 02:12:33,481 --> 02:12:36,824 Let me tell you this, some people entertain an audience. 1962 02:12:36,949 --> 02:12:40,369 Some scare the public and you did both, congratulations. 1963 02:12:40,494 --> 02:12:42,705 Thank you. - No doubt about it. 1964 02:12:42,830 --> 02:12:46,417 Roseanne Barr. - William, no one is like you. 1965 02:12:46,542 --> 02:12:50,588 No one is that brave and unconventional as you. 1966 02:12:51,130 --> 02:12:56,594 No one thinks out of the box that quickly and goes as far as you go. 1967 02:12:56,719 --> 02:12:59,305 You know I love you. - We can smoke after this. 1968 02:12:59,430 --> 02:13:03,267 You have the best weed in the world. 1969 02:13:03,392 --> 02:13:06,520 The last time I smoked your weed and went on stage... 1970 02:13:06,645 --> 02:13:11,317 I had a major nervous breakdown and I'm very ashamed of that. 1971 02:13:11,442 --> 02:13:14,320 Tony made me promise that I would never smoke your weed again... 1972 02:13:14,445 --> 02:13:19,200 If I was on his show because I was acting like Pauly Shore. 1973 02:13:19,700 --> 02:13:21,100 But... 1974 02:13:21,952 --> 02:13:28,042 But William, you are a madman beyond compare... 1975 02:13:28,167 --> 02:13:31,295 and that's why we all love so much of you. 1976 02:13:31,921 --> 02:13:34,757 Thank you. - Fly high, friend. 1977 02:13:35,966 --> 02:13:39,127 Let's take a look with your big brother Carrot Top here. 1978 02:13:39,252 --> 02:13:43,423 When Liberace and I fuck, would you be our baby. 1979 02:13:45,726 --> 02:13:49,289 We had two babies together, but you are brilliant. 1980 02:13:49,855 --> 02:13:50,856 You really are. 1981 02:13:50,981 --> 02:13:54,652 And as a fellow redhead, are you stealing my show... 1982 02:13:54,777 --> 02:13:57,738 but really funny. And I love that crystal head. 1983 02:13:57,863 --> 02:14:01,700 I love the joke about his head what did you say, hair transplant? 1984 02:14:01,825 --> 02:14:03,225 Very funny. 1985 02:14:03,577 --> 02:14:06,580 You're the only comedian having the courage to talk about... 1986 02:14:06,705 --> 02:14:09,959 that Saudi Arabian fuss. - I know. 1987 02:14:10,084 --> 02:14:12,586 I wondered if I Saudi Arabia would do tonight. 1988 02:14:12,711 --> 02:14:14,255 And I thought: Yes, I'll do it. 1989 02:14:14,380 --> 02:14:17,630 I'm going to say my hair implants come from there. 1990 02:14:17,841 --> 02:14:19,635 Fuck Saudi Arabia. 1991 02:14:19,760 --> 02:14:21,804 Okay. Good. 1992 02:14:22,888 --> 02:14:24,932 Yes, agree. 1993 02:14:27,059 --> 02:14:31,647 And as soon as we say fuck Saudi Arabia, we lose the sound for... 1994 02:14:32,731 --> 02:14:34,358 the show. Great. 1995 02:14:35,192 --> 02:14:37,942 William, do you have some final words? for us? 1996 02:14:38,404 --> 02:14:43,284 I wish everyone a great 2026. And if you're looking for something fun... 1997 02:14:44,076 --> 02:14:47,455 something fun to do, I would look into puzzles. 1998 02:14:47,580 --> 02:14:49,832 I have the last two weeks created seven puzzles. 1999 02:14:49,957 --> 02:14:52,084 My life is very busy at the moment. 2000 02:14:52,209 --> 02:14:55,045 But I never know will never stop making puzzles. 2001 02:14:55,170 --> 02:14:56,755 Yes. - Thanks, everyone. 2002 02:14:56,880 --> 02:15:00,134 William Montgomery. And we did it. 2003 02:15:00,259 --> 02:15:07,183 This was the Netflix special Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas. 2004 02:15:07,308 --> 02:15:12,354 Can you make some noise again? for all the wonderful guests? 2005 02:15:12,479 --> 02:15:18,319 Roseanne Barr, Rob Schneider, Fluffy, Carrot Top... 2006 02:15:18,902 --> 02:15:24,325 Joe Rogan, the great Joe DeRosa, James McCann... 2007 02:15:26,118 --> 02:15:29,496 Dedrick Flynn, Fiona Cauley, Ari Matti... 2008 02:15:30,664 --> 02:15:35,544 Kam Patterson, Timmy No Brakes, and William Montgomery. 2009 02:15:35,669 --> 02:15:37,713 Did you have a great evening? 2010 02:15:37,838 --> 02:15:41,175 Happy new year. 2011 02:15:41,300 --> 02:15:44,178 Happy new year. Here's to the best 2026 ever. 2012 02:15:44,303 --> 02:15:48,140 I love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everyone. 2013 02:17:43,213 --> 02:17:45,213 Translation: Jacqueline Weiss