1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,703 MALCOLM: This is the world-- 2 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,139 196 million square miles. 3 00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,408 If I covered 100 square miles an hour 4 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,543 every hour for the rest of my life 5 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,645 I'd still only see half of it. 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,980 (squeaking) 7 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,749 This is the left nostril of my brother Reese. 8 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:19,253 It squeaks all night long. 9 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,189 These are the freezing cold feet 10 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,224 of my little brother... Dewey. 11 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,493 This is my oldest brother Francis. 12 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,261 He's the one I really like 13 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:30,164 so, of course, he got sent to military school. 14 00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,365 My name is Malcolm. 15 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,501 You want to know what the best thing 16 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,568 about childhood is? 17 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,937 At some point, it stops. 18 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:40,674 * Yes, no, maybe 19 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,676 * I don't know 20 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:46,614 * Can you repeat the question? 21 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:51,185 * You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big * 22 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,121 * You're not the boss of me now * 23 00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,623 * You're not the boss of me now * 24 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,126 * You're not the boss of me now * 25 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:01,362 * And you're not so big 26 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:06,066 * Life is unfair. 27 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,772 WOMAN (singing with radio): * It's your thing 28 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,207 * Do what you wanna do... 29 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,409 Malcolm, Reese, Dewey, get in here! 30 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,546 * I can't tell you who to sock it to * 31 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,881 * Who to sock it to... 32 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,550 No, stop! I'm not touching... 33 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:23,817 There's only two toaster waffles. 34 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,419 One of you has to have cereal. 35 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,588 It's mine! 36 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,722 Come on! 37 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,790 Give it! 38 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,091 You cheated! 39 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,293 Give it! Give it! 40 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:35,062 Huh, look at this. 41 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,731 They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus 42 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:41,001 and letting a bunch of schoolchildren name it. 43 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,670 Well, that's going to end badly. 44 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,904 They do this every month. 45 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,139 He has sensitive skin. 46 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,775 The hair gets itchy under his clothes. 47 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,277 It always seems like such a shame 48 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,944 to just dump this in the trash. 49 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,646 Maybe birds would like to make nests with it 50 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,416 or, I don't know, maybe you boys could use it for school projects. 51 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,650 Arms up. 52 00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:58,586 Malcolm, come right home from school. 53 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,188 Dude. 54 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,522 Malcolm, you come right home from school today. 55 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,123 I made a play date for you with Stevie Kenarban 56 00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:03,957 and you have to take a bath. 57 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,826 What? Mom, no! 58 00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,127 Malcolm has a play date?! 59 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,162 Shut up, Reese! 60 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,264 With Stevie "The Wheelie" Kenarban? 61 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,199 Oh, man! 62 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,601 Why is playing a problem for you? 63 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,303 First off, 64 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,137 I don't even know Stevie. I saw his mother 65 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:19,440 at the grocery story. She said you boys ate lunch together. 66 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,308 One time. 67 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,510 He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. 68 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,112 It's not like I couldn't say, "go away." 69 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,947 He's not even in my class. 70 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,216 He's in the Krelboyne class 71 00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,850 in the trailer next to tetherball. 72 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,452 You listen to me, young man. 73 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,721 That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie. 74 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,489 He's a human being with human feelings. 75 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:38,125 Now, you are going to be friends with that crippled boy 76 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,127 and you are going to like it. Understood? 77 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,862 Yes, ma'am. Understood. 78 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:45,299 If I give up now, I won't get the lecture. 79 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:46,834 You kids... Dang. 80 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,636 You just take your legs for granted, you know? 81 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,138 Like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something. 82 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,306 That is just wishful thinking. 83 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,041 There's meningitis. There are car accidents. 84 00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,244 I could be giving you a spanking 85 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,845 and accidentally snap your spinal cord. 86 00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,413 Every day is a lottery 87 00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,415 and first prize is that you don't have to scoot 88 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,017 yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. 89 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,319 You think about that. 90 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,655 I don't take my legs for granted, Mom. 91 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,990 I know, honey, you're a good boy. 92 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,426 Stop playing with yourself. 93 00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,663 (boys arguing) 94 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,231 Go on, just go. 95 00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,066 LOIS: No, wait, wait, wait. 96 00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:20,368 Okay, okay, okay, I ran out of ham. 97 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,836 One of you has to have egg salad, okay? 98 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,705 And don't ditch your little brother. 99 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,407 I don't want him getting kidnapped. 100 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,009 Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible. 101 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,778 It's your turn to walk with him. 102 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,613 I walked him yesterday and the day before. 103 00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,383 I walked with him when he wet his pants. 104 00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:36,950 Okay. 105 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,023 Mom said to hold hands. 106 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,758 She did not say to hold hands, Dewey. 107 00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,193 I'm not holding hands. 108 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,028 Come on, hold hands. Please? 109 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,197 No! You're in the first grade. 110 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,266 You're too big for that. 111 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,703 Look, I'm walking right next to you. 112 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,571 You'll be fine. 113 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:02,209 Damn it! This is why everyone teases you. 114 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,711 Hey, Malcolm. 115 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,745 Hey, Richard. 116 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,648 So my mom was telling my dad last night 117 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:08,882 about your brother. 118 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,784 She said he's in jail. 119 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,219 He's not in jail. 120 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,721 He's at Marlin Academy. 121 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:17,057 It's, like, one of the best private schools in the country 122 00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:18,726 and it's totally unfair. 123 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:22,095 Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker 124 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,431 and he's not. 125 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,566 Dad, I know what you're going to say 126 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,068 and believe me, I totally agree with you. 127 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,903 There is no excuse for what I did. 128 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,740 It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless 129 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,342 and I'm really sorry. 130 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,243 I'm just... I'm hoping against hope 131 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,347 that you will give me another chance, which, I admit 132 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,681 I don't deserve 133 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,851 but if you could just find it in your heart 134 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,185 to forgive me 135 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:48,021 I know I could earn your trust back. 136 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,691 It's not like it was even our car. 137 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,292 Spath, Spath, Spath! 138 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,628 Spath: All right, 139 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,029 Here's how it works. 140 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,098 You can beg for mercy on your belly 141 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,534 lick the bottom of my shoes 142 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,002 or take a beating. 143 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,271 You must pick at least two 144 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,273 but... but-but, if you pick three 145 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,609 you get a pass for the next two weeks. 146 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,977 All right? 147 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,779 Now, that's your best value. 148 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,146 MALCOLM: Dave Spath. 149 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,882 He never gets sent anywhere. 150 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,284 What do you do if he catches you? 151 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,185 Roll in a ball. 152 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,020 What if he starts kicking you? 153 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,655 Stay in a ball. 154 00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,624 Okay. Come on. 155 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,958 (kids yelling) 156 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,660 Wait. 157 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,130 Never mind. 158 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:33,401 (kids continue yelling) 159 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:38,138 WOMAN: Those of you finished with your tempera paints 160 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,206 may bring your work up here 161 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,541 and start on your charcoal still lifes. 162 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,910 You may take two pieces of fruit only 163 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,812 and please be careful with them. 164 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,180 I bought them with my own money. 165 00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:50,050 My own money. 166 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,522 God, Malcolm, that's so good. 167 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,430 Oh, Malcolm, this is wonderful. 168 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,898 The perspective is good. 169 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,199 The composition is clean 170 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,502 and it even shows signs of actual technique. 171 00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,704 I have to say this is the high point of my day. 172 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,272 (laughs) 173 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,475 How's that for sad? 174 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,782 (squishing) 175 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:29,923 Are you okay? 176 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,059 Um, yeah, I'm fine. 177 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,694 TEACHER: Malcolm. 178 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,528 What? 179 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,797 They need to see you in the office. 180 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:40,033 Okay. 181 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:43,136 I think they mean right now. 182 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,805 Okay. 183 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,444 Get up, Malcolm. 184 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,915 (kids' laughter echoing) 185 00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,720 Hi. I'm Caroline. 186 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,421 Want to have a seat? 187 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,157 Are you Malcolm? 188 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,994 Yes, and I didn't do anything. 189 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,228 You're not in trouble, Malcolm. 190 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,063 You're here 'cause some of your teachers 191 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,665 think you're, um... you know what? 192 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,267 I just want to play some games with you. 193 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,904 Okay? Puzzles, stuff like that. Why? 194 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,639 Boy, oh, boy 195 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,742 you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you? 196 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:26,146 Okay. Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds 197 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,314 and I want you to tell me 198 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,249 everything that's wrong with it, okay? 199 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,118 The man only has four fingers. 200 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,320 Right, but this time 201 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:36,624 I want you to take your time and really look... 202 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,626 The car shadow's going the wrong way, 203 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,360 the steering wheel's on the wrong side, 204 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:41,762 there's no brake pedal, 205 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,330 the words in the mirror should be backwards, 206 00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:45,198 the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00 207 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,100 if he's looking at a sunset 208 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,102 and I have red paint on my ass. 209 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,170 That's right. 210 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,173 Red paint all over my ass! 211 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:06,920 (intro to "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" playing) 212 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:19,399 * I'm coming home, I've done my time... * 213 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,368 These are good cookies. 214 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:25,472 (breathy): Yeah... they're good. 215 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,375 * If you received my letter telling you... * 216 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,810 So what can you do? 217 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,145 I mean, what do you want to do? 218 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,883 I know... a joke. 219 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,551 Yeah? Okay. 220 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,320 A guy... 221 00:08:40,352 --> 00:08:42,155 goes into... 222 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,256 a bar... 223 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,994 and he... 224 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:51,431 has a... frog 225 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:52,566 on his... 226 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,101 Frog on his head. 227 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:57,671 And the... bartender... 228 00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,874 Wait, I screwed up. 229 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,677 A frog... 230 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:06,747 goes into... a bar. 231 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,415 You want to watch TV? 232 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,351 Can't. Not allowed. 233 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,387 What? You mean, ever? 234 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,889 Mom says... 235 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,357 TV makes you... 236 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,558 stupid. 237 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,728 No, TV makes you normal. 238 00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,429 How can they do that? 239 00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:23,764 He's in a wheelchair. 240 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,566 So what do you do all day, homework? 241 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,370 Mostly... read... comics. 242 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,105 You have comic books? 243 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,182 Whoa! 244 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,386 You really have Youngblood, number one? 245 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,222 Want to... read it? 246 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,959 No way. I'd wreck it. 247 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:55,495 Oh... did you read the last Savage Dragon 248 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,164 when they split him in two? 249 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,399 Yeah. Brilliant. 250 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,269 I like how he never has to learn a lesson or anything. 251 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,872 He just gets to pound on everyone. 252 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,410 ROBOTIC VOICE: You're under galactic arrest. 253 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,813 MAN: Think again, space flatfoot. 254 00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:14,915 ROBOTIC VOICE: You cannot escape. 255 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,850 Saturday morning is the only thing 256 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,787 my family does better than anyone else. 257 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,790 Damn! 258 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,593 You boys, you keep this house clean 259 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,028 till your dad comes home. 260 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,430 Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch. 261 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,832 The other one can have... 262 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,466 I don't know. I think they're peas. 263 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,835 (phone ringing) 264 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:36,303 Somebody get that. 265 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,971 Not it. Not it. 266 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,609 Hello. 267 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,011 Young master Malcolm. 268 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,312 Francis, hi. 269 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,847 Hey, man, 270 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,648 I wrote you guys a really long letter yesterday, 271 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,784 but, listen, they only gave me, like, three minutes, 272 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,953 so would you put the special prosecutor on? 273 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,222 Mom, it's Francis. 274 00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,459 Hey, Francis, how's school? 275 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,061 Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. 276 00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,196 My new roommate showed me how to kill mice 277 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:06,133 with a hammer yesterday, so, you know, between that 278 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,969 and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, 279 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,238 I think I'm really starting to turn around. 280 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,672 Honey, it's only until summer. 281 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,074 Come on, push it! 282 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,809 Give it up, prom date. 283 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,245 Yeah, listen, um... I know I shouldn't ask, 284 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,579 but would you be able 285 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,482 to send me my allowance, like, a couple weeks early 286 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,683 'cause I kind of need some...? 287 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,585 Oh, my God! Are you smoking? 288 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:26,754 What? I can hear you smoking. 289 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,421 You're smoking, aren't you? 290 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,490 Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez. 291 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,892 After seeing the anguish 292 00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,326 your father and I went through to quit, 293 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,996 didn't any of that register with you? 294 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,230 Okay, listen. 295 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,732 I'll talk to your dad. 296 00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,667 Maybe we can send you part of it. 297 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,235 Honey, I have to go. 298 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,503 I'm late for work. 299 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,772 I'll call you later. 300 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,007 Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you. 301 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,275 (dial tone) 302 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:51,078 Oh... I love you. 303 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,515 (doorbell rings) 304 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,717 Somebody get the door! 305 00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:59,286 I'm not getting it. You get it, butt-munch. 306 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,520 Shut up. You shut up. 307 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,422 No, you shut up! Make me! 308 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,957 I'll make you right now! 309 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,096 You'd better not be fighting in there, Reese, Malcolm. 310 00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:12,299 Not my face! 311 00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,934 I said you'd better not be fighting in... 312 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:14,701 (doorbell rings) 313 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,736 For crying out loud. 314 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,006 Reese! Malcolm! 315 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,210 Yes. Can I help you? 316 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,812 Oh. My good... um, hi. 317 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,146 Hel... hello. I'm.... 318 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:28,548 Are you...? I'm... Caroline Miller 319 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,483 from Malcolm's school. 320 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,919 I sent you some letters 321 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,888 and left some messages on your answering machine. 322 00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,456 Okay, fine. You caught me. What do you want? 323 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,725 Um... well, it's been three weeks 324 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,894 and you haven't responded, and it's really important, 325 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,562 I mean, well, for Malcolm's sake 326 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,931 that the parents be as involved in... 327 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,733 So, what, you're here to insult my parenting skills? 328 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,069 No. I'm sure you're a terrific parent. 329 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,770 (boys yelling) 330 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,943 I'm here because I think 331 00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,311 that there is a tremendous opportunity for... 332 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,981 Could you, you know, maybe put a top on? 333 00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,082 They're just boobs, lady. 334 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,650 You see them in a mirror every morning. 335 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,352 And I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine. 336 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,786 That's actually not... You know what? 337 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,821 I'm gonna tell you something else. 338 00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,022 The reason I didn't respond 339 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,624 is because it is a load of crap. What? 340 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,360 You are not going to stick my Malcolm 341 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,261 in some special ed class. 342 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,762 What is it with you people? 343 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,297 Why do you feel you have to label everybody? 344 00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,598 Malcolm may be a little strange, 345 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,600 and, I know, I know, he never shuts up, 346 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,969 but he is not disturbed. 347 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,603 You know, he is a good boy... 348 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,105 Please! 349 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,141 You know what? You don't understand at all, okay? 350 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,210 So if I could just come in for a minute, 351 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,812 I could explain everything, okay? 352 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,984 REESE: Ow! Ow! Ow! 353 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,928 (china clattering) 354 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,411 It's good, hon. 355 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:06,813 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 356 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,116 There's something we have to talk about. 357 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,056 I thought we weren't going to mention Aunt Helen 358 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,558 till after the biopsy. It's not that. 359 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,160 It's about Malcolm. I didn't do it. 360 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,494 Yes, he did. I saw him. 361 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,030 A teacher from school came by 362 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,433 and she ran some tests with Malcolm. 363 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,868 He has an IQ of 165. 364 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,703 Who? 365 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,539 Malcolm. He's a genius. 366 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,507 He's going to a special class. 367 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,576 What? Malcolm's special? 368 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,245 Where do you think that came from? 369 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:40,180 They have a special program for gifted children. 370 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,082 They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers 371 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,883 and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste 372 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,019 on normal kids. You start on Monday. 373 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,754 You're going to put him in the Krelboyne class? 374 00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,789 Mom, no! I don't want to! 375 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,558 What are you talking about? 376 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,026 Of course you want to. 377 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,695 No. I want to stay in my own class. 378 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,430 I don't want to be a Krelboyne. 379 00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,367 Mom, seriously, Krelboynes get their butts kicked. 380 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,702 Just stop one minute. 381 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,205 There's nothing wrong with being smart. 382 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,240 And there's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd. 383 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,376 It makes you the one buffalo that isn't there 384 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,144 when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff. 385 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:12,879 Huh? 386 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,314 Mom, this isn't fair! 387 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,783 If I don't want to go, why do I have to? 388 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,718 Because it's not just up to you. 389 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,988 We have to do what's best for you. 390 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,889 Mom, please! Don't make me go! 391 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,224 Please! 392 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,892 Malcolm, calm down. But it isn't fair! 393 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,427 That's right. It isn't fair. 394 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,629 It's the first time anyone in this family 395 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:30,964 has ever been given an edge, 396 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:32,732 and you are not going to waste it. 397 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,168 Dad? Honey? 398 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:40,473 Well... look, honey... 399 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:46,479 Malcolm, you see... 400 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,084 Oh, for crying out loud. 401 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,086 How come there's never any iced tea in this pitcher? 402 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,255 I make a fresh batch every morning; 403 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,590 it's gone by the time I get home. 404 00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,093 I want a better family! 405 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,662 Malcolm... 406 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:03,663 Look at that. 407 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,133 Gone. 408 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,101 I don't want to go to a special class. 409 00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:09,802 People think I'm weird enough already. 410 00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,004 I know. 411 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:12,972 I like where I am. I want to stay. 412 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,941 Sweetie, life does not give you 413 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,610 a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. 414 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,945 Look at your dad and me. 415 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,381 Malcolm, I'm proud of you. 416 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,316 You boys are so lucky. 417 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,652 You have so many gifts that other kids don't have. 418 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,288 And I just don't mean Stevie Kenarban, either. 419 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,857 I mean, look at those Parker boys across the street. 420 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,659 They may be healthy, but honest to God, 421 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,794 those are the ugliest little boys ever born. 422 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,064 They look like boiled beets, don't you think? 423 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,198 And those Henderson kids? 424 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:39,232 That electrocuted their dog 425 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,334 when they were trying to get free cable. 426 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,402 How smart can they be? 427 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,903 Just remember, 428 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:47,174 any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser 429 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,509 who'll end up working in a car wash. 430 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,980 This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does. 431 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,815 You'll be all right, sweetie. 432 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,318 If you don't make a big deal out of this, 433 00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,986 nobody else will either. 434 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,488 And I just can't say enough 435 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,223 about how proud we should all be of Malcolm 436 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,326 for getting into the gifted program. 437 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:09,229 Now, Malcolm may not look different than the rest of us, 438 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,730 but he is. 439 00:17:10,762 --> 00:17:12,932 Very different. 440 00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:15,167 In his brain. 441 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,704 And I think we should recognize him for that. 442 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,710 Bye. 443 00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,112 CAROLINE: All righty, 444 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,012 today we are starting a new section 445 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,080 on the Peloponnesian War, 446 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:31,118 which I know you are all going to love. 447 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,952 Malcolm? 448 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:36,423 Are you okay? 449 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,560 Uh, yeah. Fine. 450 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:41,561 All right. 451 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,396 Excuse me. 452 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,736 Stop staring at me! 453 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,879 Why do they keep doing that? 454 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,814 You're new. Oh, great. 455 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,417 So I'm the freak of the freak show? 456 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,886 Just... chill out. 457 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,887 Don't tell me to chill out. 458 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,088 You chill out. 459 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,790 Nobody can live like this. 460 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,592 I'm okay. Oh, sure. 461 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,628 You're okay because it doesn't make any difference to you. 462 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:16,729 You've always been a freak. 463 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,931 I used to be normal. 464 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:22,635 Wait. Who just said that? 465 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:26,139 You're going to take that the wrong way, aren't you? 466 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:28,408 You... 467 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,843 suck. 468 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,683 It's so cool! 469 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:42,822 Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive. 470 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,136 I can't believe I'm doing this. 471 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,010 Stevie? 472 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,413 What? 473 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,381 Look, 474 00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:10,149 I... 475 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,852 Score! 476 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,787 (laughter) 477 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,022 Hey, Spath! 478 00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,458 Why don't you stop being such a butt-wipe?! 479 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,527 ALL: Ooh. 480 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,797 What'd you call me? 481 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:25,798 You heard me! 482 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:26,899 I don't care anymore! 483 00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,901 I just don't care, Spath, okay? 484 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,737 Alls you ever do is make everybody miserable! 485 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,872 Except for your little monkey-slaves over there. 486 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,474 Who, by the way, 487 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,642 only pretend to like you. 488 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,710 They hate you as much as everyone else does! 489 00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,579 And you're just too busy being mean and stupid 490 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,147 to ever figure it out! 491 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,183 I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work. 492 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,653 Mom was right, they are important. 493 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,755 Wow. 494 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,357 I don't know about you, 495 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,992 but the Krelboyne really hurt my feelings. 496 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,362 (nervous laughter) 497 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,331 Hey... 498 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,900 Go away, Stevie. 499 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,702 It's good you two are friends. 500 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,272 He won't mind sharing his wheelchair. 501 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:08,908 Okay, this is where something good happens, finally. 502 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,343 So we're going to slow down 503 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,380 and make it last as long as possible. 504 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:27,860 * The possible dream 505 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:31,063 * Finale of scenes 506 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:35,034 * The moment that some call eternal * 507 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:39,506 * That some call insane. 508 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,681 (all gasping) 509 00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,652 Dude, you hit a cripple. 510 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,956 (gasping, shouting) 511 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,158 I didn't mean to... I wasn't trying... 512 00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:01,060 Stevie, I'm sorry! 513 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,663 (Stevie groaning) 514 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,433 Ow... 515 00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:09,469 Aah... 516 00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:10,837 Ow! 517 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,572 What's your problem? 518 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,141 I mean, he's in a wheelchair and he has glasses. 519 00:21:15,174 --> 00:21:17,944 Do you know how bad that looks? 520 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:20,313 What's your problem? 521 00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,914 * I've seen better days 522 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:24,283 * I've been a star of many... 523 00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:30,256 So then, the principal comes out 524 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,325 and everyone's all talking at once. 525 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:33,526 So the story he puts together 526 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,628 is that Spath attacks Stevie for his lunch, 527 00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:38,798 and I'm like this hero that stepped in to defend him. 528 00:21:38,831 --> 00:21:40,667 It was beautiful. 529 00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:44,036 Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying. 530 00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:47,474 No, wait, it was. 531 00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:51,043 Dad's hair... ugh. 532 00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:54,447 Yeah, I know. It's gross. 533 00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,383 But, hey, if a bunch of birds 534 00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:57,950 can make the best out of what they get, 535 00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:59,719 then so can I. DEWEY: Malcolm? 536 00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:01,954 Like having to go to special class. 537 00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:03,823 I can make it work out, right? 538 00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:05,024 Malcolm? 539 00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:06,659 Not now! 540 00:22:06,693 --> 00:22:07,860 Or my family. 541 00:22:07,894 --> 00:22:09,829 We're not the greatest family in the world, 542 00:22:09,862 --> 00:22:11,163 but we can get better. 543 00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:12,732 I mean, it's not impossible. 544 00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:14,033 Malcolm? (knocking) 545 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:15,067 What?! 546 00:22:15,101 --> 00:22:16,469 Can I get out? 547 00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:17,870 No! Stop asking! 548 00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:21,641 So, basically, I think everything's going to be okay. 549 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:22,409 (knocking) 550 00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,411 A bug went up my nose. 551 00:22:25,545 --> 00:22:26,345 So what do you want me to do about it?