1 00:00:11,795 --> 00:00:13,165 Hahahahaha! 2 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:14,565 Ladies and gentlemen... 3 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,120 welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys. 4 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,860 What's wrong with you, Granddad? 5 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:29,720 I haven't slept for three days. 6 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,120 Hello! 7 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,920 I'm just doing a bit of cleaning. 8 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,965 I'm just about to take a break. 9 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,440 God, I say cleaning like it was a hobby. It's not. 10 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,680 Shut up, you feckin' mutt! 11 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,520 I... I'd better feed him. Hold on. 12 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,840 Here, Spartacus! 13 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,240 When I... Jesus, I never opened the feckin' thing! 14 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,400 Here, Spartacus! 15 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,280 I had six children I reared on my own and they weren't as much trouble as you! 16 00:01:11,315 --> 00:01:13,760 Where was I? Oh, yeah... 17 00:01:13,795 --> 00:01:15,845 cleaning! 18 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,140 Well, it's not as if it goes unnoticed. 19 00:01:18,175 --> 00:01:20,267 I had Father Quinn round the other day... 20 00:01:20,302 --> 00:01:22,325 he took one look at the house and said, 21 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,280 "Mrs Brown, yourself and God keep a lovely home". 22 00:01:25,315 --> 00:01:27,457 I said "Thank you, Father" but I'm thinking, 23 00:01:27,492 --> 00:01:29,600 "You should see it when God has it on his own!" 24 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,645 I feel like I've always been cleaning. 25 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:39,520 When I was 18, I married his son, Redser Brown, 26 00:01:39,555 --> 00:01:41,240 because of a condition I had... 27 00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:42,640 called pregnancy. 28 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,920 The next day, I started cleaning. 29 00:01:46,955 --> 00:01:49,197 Hiya, Mammy! Hello, Cathy, love. 30 00:01:49,232 --> 00:01:51,440 Ah! Granddad looks peaceful. 31 00:01:51,475 --> 00:01:52,960 Doesn't he! Hahaha! 32 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,765 Heading out on the big date, love? 33 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,440 It's not a big date, Mammy. It's just a quiet drink. 34 00:02:00,475 --> 00:02:02,845 Quiet drink! That's what all men say. 35 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,800 They think vodka's a lubricant to get your knickers off easy. 36 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,085 You may laugh, but I tell you, one minute you're sipping Piney Coladies, next... 37 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,160 your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!". 38 00:02:15,195 --> 00:02:17,525 I'll keep that in mind, so! 39 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,485 You do that. Ah, why do I bother? 40 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,520 Right, I'm off! Do you want a cup of tea before you go, love? 41 00:02:22,555 --> 00:02:24,285 No, Mammy. Sure, I'm running late. 42 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,080 Don't be breaking your neck, he'll be feckin' late as well. 43 00:02:27,115 --> 00:02:28,440 Did Daddy always come late? 44 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,520 That's none of your feckin' business! 45 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,445 See you later! 46 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,680 Cathy, love! Yes, Mammy? You look fantastic! 47 00:02:42,715 --> 00:02:44,017 Thanks, Mammy. 48 00:02:44,052 --> 00:02:45,320 Keep them on! 49 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,360 I... I'm not just a cleaner. 50 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,805 I have a market stall as well. 51 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,280 I sell fruit and vegetables. I suppose I'm a business woman! Ha ha ha. 52 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,405 I don't like customers who come and just poke. 53 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,760 They come and maul your fruit without any feckin' reason whatsoever. 54 00:03:05,795 --> 00:03:08,400 I say to them, "Missus, that's a banana, not a willy..." 55 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,640 ".. it won't get bigger if you squeeze it!" 56 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,480 Hahaha! Hahaha! 57 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,600 There goes Happy Feet! 58 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,520 I better go in and see what's happening in the North Pole. 59 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,845 Hello, Dermot, son. 60 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,200 Hello, Mammy. What are you promoting this week? 61 00:03:36,235 --> 00:03:38,320 Chocolate biscuits. Oh, lovely... 62 00:03:38,355 --> 00:03:40,497 what kind? 63 00:03:42,161 --> 00:03:43,700 Kit Kats! 64 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:46,805 Dermot, love... 65 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,200 quack, quack, quack, quack! 66 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,600 What's wrong, love? Why are you such a sad little penguin? 67 00:03:53,635 --> 00:03:56,160 You're not in trouble with the law again, are you? 68 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:58,245 No, Mammy, it's Maria. 69 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,760 Ah, the lovely Maria. We've broken up. 70 00:04:00,795 --> 00:04:01,880 Bitch! Never liked her! 71 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,165 What did she do? She's not a bitch, Ma. 72 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,685 And she didn't do anything, it's just... Yes? 73 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,640 .. to be honest Mammy, I'd rather not talk about it right now. 74 00:04:12,675 --> 00:04:14,417 I understand... 75 00:04:14,452 --> 00:04:16,125 so what happened? 76 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:19,120 Mammy! I'm not talking about it! 77 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,605 Fine... 78 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,685 Do you want a cup of tea? No, I'm only on a quick break. 79 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,240 Well, if it's only a quick break, you should slip into the fridge and relax! 80 00:04:28,275 --> 00:04:31,480 Hahahahaha! Slip into the... Hahaha! 81 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,720 It's very late to be studying. Hi, Mammy. 82 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,360 I can't sleep, worrying about Dermot and Maria. 83 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,685 Cathy... 84 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:57,080 you amaze me the amount of work and persistence you put into everything you feckin' do. 85 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,240 And I know I'm biased... you're my only daughter 86 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:06,560 .. but the man who gets you will be... he'll be the luckiest man on earth. 87 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,000 Not bad for a widow bringing up a girl on her own, hey? 88 00:05:11,035 --> 00:05:12,040 Am I right? 89 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,360 Sorry, Mammy? 90 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,240 Nothing, it doesn't matter. 91 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,005 Cathy, what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria? 92 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:27,280 Mammy... it's best if we all just butt out and let them sort it out themselves. 93 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,800 What do you want, Granddad? 94 00:05:30,835 --> 00:05:32,285 I don't feel well. 95 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,800 You're 92, you're not supposed to fuckin' feel well! 96 00:05:37,012 --> 00:05:39,085 Mammy! What? 97 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,965 Maybe he really is sick. 98 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,520 Don't take any chances. Call the doctor! 99 00:05:43,555 --> 00:05:45,245 A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?! 100 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,640 He's no health insurance. At least he's insured for a funeral. 101 00:05:48,675 --> 00:05:49,760 Mammy! 102 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:52,880 Fine. I'll call the doctor. 103 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,920 This is all because of his feckin' budgie! His budgie? 104 00:05:56,955 --> 00:05:58,657 Found him dead today. 105 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,466 Well, he must be upset. 106 00:06:00,501 --> 00:06:02,205 He's at that age, love. 107 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,480 His budgie dies, he's sure he's going to be next. 108 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,800 With a bit of buckin' luck! 109 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,600 It's a sharp pain across the shoulders and down the spine. 110 00:06:16,635 --> 00:06:19,440 How long has he had it? Not him... ME! 111 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,725 Mrs Brown, I'm here to examine Granddad. 112 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,240 You're wasting your time with him, he's fucked. 113 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,320 Only a matter of time, isn't it, Granddad? 114 00:06:31,355 --> 00:06:32,597 Am I dying? 115 00:06:32,632 --> 00:06:33,840 Yes... Friday! 116 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,540 What's wrong with him, anyway? 117 00:06:38,575 --> 00:06:40,427 I'll have to run some tests. 118 00:06:40,462 --> 00:06:42,245 Tests! More feckin' money! 119 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,760 I'll need a sample of his urine, and a sample of his stool. 120 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,365 What'd he say? 121 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,080 He wants your underpants. 122 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,360 Granddad, I need you to close your mouth when I put it in. 123 00:06:58,395 --> 00:07:00,485 Hahahahaha! 124 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,560 He's never heard that before! 125 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,520 I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading. 126 00:07:06,555 --> 00:07:07,765 Ooh! 127 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:08,845 Can you help me? 128 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,560 With buckin' pleasure! 129 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,845 Come on, Granddad! 130 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,480 The doctor has a surprise for you! 131 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,045 Oooooh! Ooh hoo hoo! 132 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:25,265 Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor? 133 00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:28,140 I wouldn't mind another one of these. It's in the kitchen. 134 00:07:28,175 --> 00:07:29,477 Hahahahaha! 135 00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:33,880 I'll get you a cup of tea, Granddad. 136 00:07:33,915 --> 00:07:36,507 I wish you could see it from this side! 137 00:07:36,542 --> 00:07:39,100 You look like a big buckin' toffee apple. 138 00:07:41,152 --> 00:07:43,065 Oooooooh! 139 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:48,580 Granddad! What are you doing there in that state? Come on... fix yourself! 140 00:07:48,615 --> 00:07:50,740 Now, sit down. 141 00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:51,785 No! 142 00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:55,740 Granddad! Come on, sit down. No! No! No! 143 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:57,265 Arrrgh! 144 00:08:02,460 --> 00:08:03,500 Now... 145 00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:08,140 .. now, Granddad, isn't that much better? 146 00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:15,720 Granddad! Hahahahaha! 147 00:08:15,755 --> 00:08:17,425 What are you doing? 148 00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:20,340 Come on, Granddad. Now we're going to play Treasure Hunt! 149 00:08:25,860 --> 00:08:27,820 No, Mrs Brown. I'm afraid it's gone. 150 00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:31,357 Gone?! I'm not paying for that! 151 00:08:31,392 --> 00:08:34,860 Now, wait a minute... er, gone? 152 00:08:34,895 --> 00:08:36,585 Arrgh! 153 00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:38,460 Is that bad? Is that dangerous? 154 00:08:38,495 --> 00:08:39,940 Get him to hospital today. 155 00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:43,220 We'll explore the cavity then. 156 00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:46,440 Explore the cavity! What? 157 00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:48,540 He's going potholing! 158 00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:52,660 Goodbye, Mrs Brown. Goodbye, Doctor. 159 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:57,420 Now you've heard of "Doctor Dolittle"... 160 00:08:57,455 --> 00:08:59,300 there goes "Doctor Do-Fuck-All"! 161 00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:04,600 You're going to hospital, Granddad... 162 00:09:04,635 --> 00:09:07,020 and you're not coming fuckin' back. 163 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:12,065 Mammy. Yes, love? Did you see me Psychology magazine? 164 00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:15,180 I left it down here last night. No and if you left it on that chair, 165 00:09:15,215 --> 00:09:16,620 it's probably up his arse! 166 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:20,380 Arse like a buckin' Dyson he has! 167 00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:27,700 Cathy, there has to be something I can do about Dermot and Maria. 168 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:28,740 Mammy... 169 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:33,700 .. as I said, we all need to just butt out. I want to be involved... 170 00:09:33,735 --> 00:09:36,037 I want to be a leader! Like your man in Iran, 171 00:09:36,072 --> 00:09:38,340 'Mock Mood Momamma Jibbidi Get It Back Up Again'. 172 00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:43,460 Mammy, of all people you stay out of this. I mean it. 173 00:09:45,780 --> 00:09:48,020 Promise me you won't interfere. 174 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,740 OK! 175 00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:54,180 Me? Interfere? 176 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,380 Biscuit, Maria? Thank you. 177 00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:10,940 Ah, I cut the edges off so they fit in the mug. 178 00:10:13,432 --> 00:10:15,820 Oh. I see. 179 00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:19,500 So, Maria, why are you torturing my son? 180 00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:21,865 Excuse me? 181 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,500 Well, you've obviously done something to upset him. 182 00:10:24,535 --> 00:10:25,700 How can we make it right? 183 00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:28,380 Maybe if you apologise? 184 00:10:28,415 --> 00:10:30,185 Me? Apologise? 185 00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:32,985 That's the spirit, love! 186 00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:37,220 Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot has told you about what's going on, but... 187 00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:40,225 maybe I should say I'm sorry all right, sorry I ever met him, 188 00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:44,500 sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him and sorry I ever got involved with his family. 189 00:10:44,535 --> 00:10:49,220 And sorry that he has to put up with such a domineering matriarch as you! 190 00:10:49,255 --> 00:10:51,820 I was hoping for something shorter! 191 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:56,940 Dermot, you're home, just in time. Maria has something she wants to tell you. You have? 192 00:10:56,975 --> 00:11:00,060 Yeah! I hope you and your mother will be very happy together! 193 00:11:00,095 --> 00:11:02,540 Keep it short! Keep it short! Now get stuffed! 194 00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:08,820 Do you want a cup of tea, love? 195 00:11:09,860 --> 00:11:11,665 What the hell happened here, Mammy? 196 00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,500 What the hell happened? She came here, sat down, 197 00:11:14,535 --> 00:11:16,460 nibbled the biscuits and dunk... 198 00:11:16,495 --> 00:11:17,705 I don't know what to... 199 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:19,880 She meant... What is this side... So she... 200 00:11:19,915 --> 00:11:22,020 I'm here... Oh, yeah, wuzzah... And she said... 201 00:11:22,055 --> 00:11:23,225 Don't you muck! Eh! 202 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:27,300 Ohhh! Zem! Nice! You keep away! Uzzah! 203 00:11:27,335 --> 00:11:29,300 It's no wonder you dumped her! 204 00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:35,380 I didn't dump HER. She broke up with me, because I wouldn't move in with her. 205 00:11:35,415 --> 00:11:38,060 Leave home? Yes! She wants us to move in together. 206 00:11:38,095 --> 00:11:39,540 It's far too early for that! 207 00:11:40,580 --> 00:11:41,620 I'm 33. 208 00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:44,425 Exactly! 209 00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:48,940 Mammy, I wish you'd stay out of things and for once... 210 00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,580 mind your own business! 211 00:11:52,820 --> 00:11:55,460 You are my business! 212 00:11:56,740 --> 00:11:58,140 I'm... your mother... 213 00:11:58,175 --> 00:11:59,545 Awww. 214 00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:02,100 It's a man in a fuckin' dress! 215 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:08,705 Here, Cathy... 216 00:12:08,740 --> 00:12:10,780 I believe your date was a disaster. 217 00:12:10,815 --> 00:12:12,677 I wouldn't say that, Winnie! 218 00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:14,540 You're better off, Cathy. 219 00:12:14,575 --> 00:12:16,340 Men, preverts! 220 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,660 They all look for one thing, and don't need a com-pass! 221 00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:25,780 Will you stop it, Mammy! He wanted to go out and have a talk. 222 00:12:25,815 --> 00:12:28,420 Oh, a talk... yeah! Talk about doin' it! 223 00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:34,980 Mammy... Hold on, where's me handbag? 224 00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:36,820 Feckin' hang on. 225 00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:53,820 Me tablets are in it. 226 00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:58,305 Mammy, my date was not a disaster! 227 00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:00,820 Well, when are you seeing him again? I'm not. 228 00:13:00,855 --> 00:13:02,977 Disaster! 229 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,020 My Sharon's got herself a new... 230 00:13:07,055 --> 00:13:08,025 yoke. 231 00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:10,940 Boyfriend, Mrs McGoogan. I've met him and he's very nice. 232 00:13:10,975 --> 00:13:12,905 One of the usual weirdos Sharon picks? 233 00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,420 Actually he's a gentleman. Gentleman, Betty? 234 00:13:15,455 --> 00:13:17,865 And what would you call a gentleman? I dunno. 235 00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:21,020 Opens the door for you? Mmmm. Takes your coat off when you go in? 236 00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:24,740 Mmmmm. Pulls the chair out when you go to sit down. Aye! 237 00:13:24,775 --> 00:13:26,540 Dirty bastard! 238 00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:30,905 That's all put on! 239 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,740 He just wants to play hide the sausage! 240 00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:37,680 Will you stop it, Mammy. 241 00:13:37,715 --> 00:13:39,620 Not all men are sex maniacs! 242 00:13:39,655 --> 00:13:41,345 Yes, they are! 243 00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:42,865 They are! Aren't they, Winnie? 244 00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:46,460 Only last year, me and Winnie went to that film festival, The "Cock-a-Coh". 245 00:13:46,495 --> 00:13:48,697 Uh, what's the one with the... 246 00:13:48,732 --> 00:13:51,456 the motorbike and the swords and.. 247 00:13:51,491 --> 00:13:54,180 Radiator! Gladiator! The Graduate! 248 00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:58,540 We looked great with our Liverpool hairdos. 249 00:13:58,575 --> 00:13:59,865 I had mine like Cilla Black, 250 00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:01,580 she had hers like fuckin' Ken Dodd. 251 00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:06,180 We went to that picture house and were only five minutes there... 252 00:14:06,215 --> 00:14:07,740 Five minutes... sitting down. 253 00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:12,585 I can't... I can't say it! I'm too embarrassed. You tell them. 254 00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:16,140 Well, this..... fella came over and sat beside Winnie, right beside her. 255 00:14:16,175 --> 00:14:18,180 Right beside me! Right beside her! 256 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,460 Five minutes later, what's he do? What's he do? 257 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,340 He takes his willy out... Out! Out! 258 00:14:26,375 --> 00:14:27,825 Oh, my God. 259 00:14:27,860 --> 00:14:29,460 The dirty bastard!... 260 00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:32,880 Winnie says to me, "Look, look Agnes!" 261 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:35,180 Well, I glanced... I only feckin' glanced! 262 00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:41,225 Oh, my God! What? He was playing with it! 263 00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:44,940 Poor Winnie was disgusted. I was disgusted. She was disgusted! 264 00:14:44,975 --> 00:14:47,900 Well, why didn't you move? We couldn't move! 265 00:14:47,935 --> 00:14:49,860 He was using Winnie's hand. 266 00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:58,900 I'm only joking, Winnie! 267 00:15:01,340 --> 00:15:02,580 Oh, Jesus! 268 00:15:02,615 --> 00:15:03,820 Well, here... 269 00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:09,300 .. it's because of weirdos like him that I carry this. 270 00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:10,425 Jesus! 271 00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:12,625 Jesus Christ! What's that? 272 00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:19,340 It's a Tazer gun. If it was me he sat beside, I'd give him one jab of this and he'd be electrocuted. 273 00:15:19,375 --> 00:15:21,500 And she wonders why she can't get a man. 274 00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:25,300 Vibrators! 275 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:29,705 I beg your pardon, Winnie? 276 00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:34,020 Well, nowadays, that's what the women do get, them vibrators! 277 00:15:34,055 --> 00:15:35,340 Shut the buck up, Winnie! 278 00:15:36,380 --> 00:15:38,180 Honest, Agnes, they do! 279 00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:40,780 I think I might get one meself! 280 00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:45,620 Well, make sure you get one that takes diesel! 281 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:53,385 Can you imagine her with a vibrator? 282 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,580 "Winnie, are you coming to Bingo on the bus? 283 00:15:55,615 --> 00:15:58,340 "No, I'm on a vibrator!" 284 00:15:58,375 --> 00:15:59,905 Hahahaha! 285 00:15:59,940 --> 00:16:03,900 Oh, Winnie, stop that feckin' dirty talk! 286 00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:09,100 Hello? Yes? Is that Out Patients? 287 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,260 I'm enquiring about Mr Brown. 288 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:13,660 Brow-we-nuh. 289 00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,900 .. Up his arse, that's him, yes. 290 00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:21,340 Very generous? Why, what did he do? 291 00:16:22,340 --> 00:16:25,900 Nurse, is he near you? Put him on the phone will you, please? 292 00:16:25,935 --> 00:16:28,065 For God's sake, feckin' eejit. 293 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:31,620 Hello Granddad. Yes, did you fill out a form there this morning? 294 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,460 Yeah. What did you tick off on it? 295 00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:37,340 Kidneys... 296 00:16:37,375 --> 00:16:39,177 heart... 297 00:16:39,212 --> 00:16:40,945 liver... 298 00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:42,620 that was a donor form! 299 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,780 No, it wasn't the feckin' breakfast menu! 300 00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:53,180 Well, you go back to her and make sure you get all the bits you went in with! 301 00:16:53,215 --> 00:16:56,540 I swear that man is getting feckin' worse every day! 302 00:16:56,575 --> 00:16:58,665 Mammy? What? 303 00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,465 I really enjoyed those few drinks we had last night! 304 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:05,220 You had enough of them! Yeah, one more vodka and I'd have been under that table! 305 00:17:05,255 --> 00:17:08,180 One more pint of cider and I'd have been under that buckin' barman! 306 00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,905 You wouldn't, would you, Mrs Brown? Don't be ridiculous, Betty! 307 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:18,820 It's so long since I had sex, I can't even remember who it is that gets tied up! 308 00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:20,497 Here, we'll miss the shops. 309 00:17:20,532 --> 00:17:22,140 You all right, Cathy? Yeah! 310 00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:25,505 Mammy... 311 00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:28,060 keep an eye on me Tazer for me will you, it's charging. 312 00:17:28,095 --> 00:17:30,517 When the red light goes out, plug it out. 313 00:17:30,552 --> 00:17:32,940 Red light out, plug out. Cathy love... 314 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,860 .. what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria? 315 00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:38,180 I think you've done enough. 316 00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:42,100 I have an idea. Cathy, you're training to be a psychologist. 317 00:17:42,135 --> 00:17:44,757 Why not give them counselling? Counselling? 318 00:17:44,792 --> 00:17:47,345 That's not a bad idea, Betty. No, no, Cathy! 319 00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:49,865 I'll talk to Maria. I'll see you later, Mrs Brown. 320 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:53,340 See you later, Betty. Cathy, Cathy love. Wait a second! 321 00:17:53,375 --> 00:17:55,500 We need to talk about this! You can't just... 322 00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,265 Cathy! Cathy, love! 323 00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:01,780 You're not even qualified to feckin' counsel for God's sake! Cathy! 324 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:05,620 Cathy, for God's sake! 325 00:18:05,655 --> 00:18:07,140 Hello? 326 00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,620 Hello? Hell, hell, hello? 327 00:18:29,655 --> 00:18:31,940 How do you do, do, do, do do? 328 00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:35,940 No, there, there's no O'Brien here... 329 00:18:35,975 --> 00:18:38,660 you have, have the wr... wrong number. 330 00:18:38,695 --> 00:18:40,300 Are you fucking deaf?! 331 00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:43,300 Oh, hello, Father Quinn! 332 00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:58,545 Hm! Counselling? No counselling in my day. 333 00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:03,140 You must be joking. If me and your father had problems, we couldn't run to a counsellor! 334 00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:05,625 No way, Jose! 335 00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:09,340 We'd sort it out ourselves, like adults! Into a room on our own... 336 00:19:09,375 --> 00:19:11,140 and I'd knock the shite out of him. 337 00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,620 We didn't need a counsellor... 338 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,780 We needed a buckin' referee! 339 00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:22,140 Well, we're nearly ready to get started. 340 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:25,465 Oh, don't mind me. 341 00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:29,780 I'm just a fly on the wall, a fly on the wall. 342 00:19:29,815 --> 00:19:31,140 Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz. 343 00:19:31,175 --> 00:19:32,537 Bzz, bzz, bzz. 344 00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:33,900 Tss, tss, tss. 345 00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:41,140 I think everybody would be more comfortable if you weren't here. 346 00:19:41,175 --> 00:19:43,660 It's a pity everybody doesn't pay the buckin' rent! 347 00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:51,620 All right Mammy, but please... don't interfere. 348 00:19:51,655 --> 00:19:54,060 Fly, wall, me. 349 00:19:54,095 --> 00:19:55,220 Bz. 350 00:19:56,460 --> 00:19:58,220 OK then, let's begin... 351 00:19:58,255 --> 00:19:59,300 Badges! 352 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,060 You never gave us our badges! 353 00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:04,065 Badges? 354 00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:05,625 We're all meant to have badges. 355 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:08,020 You know, "My name is Agnes Brown. I'm a lunatic!" 356 00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:12,140 No, Mammy. You don't get badges. 357 00:20:12,175 --> 00:20:13,785 You're meant to get badges. 358 00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:15,940 You don't, Mammy, and that's the end of it! 359 00:20:15,975 --> 00:20:17,860 Fine... you forgot the badges. 360 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,760 Maria, what do you... 361 00:20:21,795 --> 00:20:23,985 I have stickers upstairs! 362 00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:26,820 We could use stickers and a marker and write the names on. 363 00:20:26,855 --> 00:20:27,825 Mammy, please! 364 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:31,140 I'm only trying to help you out of your badge situation. 365 00:20:31,175 --> 00:20:33,145 I DON'T HAVE A BADGE SITUATION! 366 00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:36,220 Well, obviously, because you don't have fuckin' badges! 367 00:20:36,255 --> 00:20:39,225 I did not forget the badges, we're just not having badges. 368 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:43,220 Badges would be pointless in this situation, because we don't need them! 369 00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:48,460 Cathy, calm down... 370 00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:51,825 .. you're making something out of nothing! 371 00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:54,460 Dermot, you don't need a badge. Maria, need a badge? 372 00:20:54,495 --> 00:20:57,140 No, I don't need a badge. Fuck the badges! 373 00:20:59,580 --> 00:21:00,700 Maria... 374 00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:04,540 what do you think started all of this? Well... 375 00:21:04,575 --> 00:21:07,060 Miss! Miss! Mammy, is this you not interfering? 376 00:21:07,095 --> 00:21:10,380 No, it's Sooty in his nude! 377 00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:15,760 I just want to say this is Dermot's home. Dermot should go first. 378 00:21:15,795 --> 00:21:19,980 Mammy, it doesn't matter who goes first. Then start with Dermot. 379 00:21:20,015 --> 00:21:22,185 No, Mammy, I will not start with Dermot. 380 00:21:22,220 --> 00:21:24,905 Now, if you don't mind, there's a system for doing this. 381 00:21:24,940 --> 00:21:28,025 Is there? Yeah! Well, how come it doesn't matter who goes first? 382 00:21:28,060 --> 00:21:32,540 I beg your pardon? You can't have "system" and "doesn't matter" in the same feckin' sentence. 383 00:21:32,575 --> 00:21:35,180 Imagine if that was the system for landing airplanes? 384 00:21:35,215 --> 00:21:37,660 And the pilot coming in to land says, 385 00:21:37,695 --> 00:21:39,865 "Excuse me captain... captain... 386 00:21:39,900 --> 00:21:42,540 "whatever your name is, cos we've no fuckin' badges." 387 00:21:44,540 --> 00:21:46,540 "Are the wheels down? 388 00:21:46,575 --> 00:21:48,540 "Oh, it doesn't matter!" 389 00:21:52,340 --> 00:21:56,660 That wouldn't that be a nice way for the Hoolihans to start their two weeks in Fuengerola! 390 00:21:56,695 --> 00:21:58,580 Do you know what, Mammy? What? 391 00:21:58,615 --> 00:22:01,105 You do this every time. 392 00:22:01,140 --> 00:22:04,580 Ah, don't exaggerate, I never flew an airplane in me buckin' life. 393 00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:09,100 You mess everything up when I try to do my own thing! 394 00:22:09,135 --> 00:22:11,437 You're getting paranoid. Am I? Yes! 395 00:22:11,472 --> 00:22:13,740 Well, what about Teddy Brannigan? 396 00:22:15,860 --> 00:22:17,460 Teddy Brannigan? 397 00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:22,180 That was a long time ago. Yes, it was, but you still remember it, don't you? 398 00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:23,900 Oh, I remember, all right. 399 00:22:27,860 --> 00:22:29,660 You were sixteen years of age! 400 00:22:29,695 --> 00:22:31,785 Not a titty to your name. 401 00:22:31,820 --> 00:22:36,060 I was going to get you glasses so people would know which way you were facing! 402 00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:44,580 The neighbours used to say, "Here comes Cathy Brown with the two backs". 403 00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:50,780 Teddy Brannigan used to go up and down our road at two o'clock in the morning, 404 00:22:50,815 --> 00:22:52,825 "Neeeeow, neeeeeow, brrm." 405 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,860 If he got a motorbike, he'd be dangerous! 406 00:22:57,380 --> 00:23:01,780 And you, running behind him with your helmet on you! 407 00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:03,705 I was in love! 408 00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:06,740 Love, my arse! What would you know about love at sixteen? 409 00:23:06,775 --> 00:23:08,625 Especially to a thug like that. 410 00:23:08,660 --> 00:23:11,220 Oh, Mammy, if you had your way, I'd never get a man! 411 00:23:11,255 --> 00:23:13,300 It'd help if you'd stop electrocuting 'em! 412 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:17,820 I saved you! 413 00:23:19,260 --> 00:23:22,025 You saved me? Don't try and thank me now! 414 00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:25,260 I'm not thanking you. I don't know what you're talking about! 415 00:23:25,295 --> 00:23:28,460 You wouldn't have been happy! Well, I'm not happy now, so there! 416 00:23:28,495 --> 00:23:30,900 You should talk to yourself and leave them alone! 417 00:23:30,935 --> 00:23:33,220 Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ, yourself! 418 00:23:33,255 --> 00:23:35,740 You won't even let me... 419 00:23:39,660 --> 00:23:42,505 This is a waste of time! Is it? 420 00:23:42,540 --> 00:23:44,825 Mammy, it's not just Teddy Brannigan, is it? 421 00:23:44,860 --> 00:23:47,500 No man I ever meet will be good enough for you, will they? 422 00:23:47,535 --> 00:23:50,105 Where did I leave my violin? 423 00:23:50,140 --> 00:23:53,260 I'm going to me room. Go to your room... Oh, Jesus! 424 00:23:53,295 --> 00:23:54,580 How could you do that? 425 00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,100 How could you beat your mother? 426 00:23:58,135 --> 00:24:00,385 I brushed off you! 427 00:24:00,420 --> 00:24:02,220 You beat me! Oh, my Jesus... 428 00:24:02,255 --> 00:24:03,740 It's gone dead! 429 00:24:06,260 --> 00:24:09,380 It's gone dead, look, it's feckin' dead! Look it's feckin'... 430 00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:11,820 Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left! 431 00:24:11,855 --> 00:24:13,780 It's spreading... Oh! 432 00:24:27,660 --> 00:24:30,500 Jesus Christ, I've gone blind! 433 00:24:35,180 --> 00:24:38,980 Cathy! I'm going! Is she still there? 434 00:24:39,015 --> 00:24:40,860 This is ridiculous! 435 00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:45,260 Cathy! Cathy, wait! Cathy, please... 436 00:24:45,295 --> 00:24:46,540 Cathy, let me explain! 437 00:24:46,575 --> 00:24:47,580 Cathy... 438 00:24:48,940 --> 00:24:49,980 Cath... 439 00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:53,180 Don't bring me up them feckin' stairs! 440 00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:57,980 You saw that, now. I was minding my own business 441 00:24:58,015 --> 00:25:00,185 and she feckin' attacked me! 442 00:25:00,220 --> 00:25:02,460 This is because she forgot the feckin' badges. 443 00:25:04,620 --> 00:25:08,660 I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears to me and asks me to sacrifice a child... 444 00:25:08,695 --> 00:25:10,420 she's fuckin' gone! 445 00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:18,300 Well, I feel much better after that. 446 00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:21,020 So do I. 447 00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:23,465 I'm so sorry, Maria. 448 00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:24,940 No, Dermot, look I'm sorry. 449 00:25:26,020 --> 00:25:28,500 I shouldn't have made a big deal about us moving in. 450 00:25:28,535 --> 00:25:30,265 Yes, you should! 451 00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:31,545 You were right, Maria. 452 00:25:31,580 --> 00:25:33,460 You mean you want us to live together? 453 00:25:34,460 --> 00:25:36,620 On one condition. What? 454 00:25:41,180 --> 00:25:44,500 Will you marry me, Maria? Oh, yeah I will. 455 00:25:45,980 --> 00:25:47,700 Right! 456 00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:52,100 Let's go down to Foley's and tell everyone! Haha! 457 00:26:02,940 --> 00:26:07,460 I thought that went well. Yeah, Mammy, it did, it was a great idea. Thanks, love. 458 00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:10,540 I'll get you a cup of tea. 459 00:26:11,700 --> 00:26:14,740 I swear that man thinks I'm on a feckin' bungee rope! 460 00:26:17,300 --> 00:26:18,840 What do you want now? 461 00:26:18,875 --> 00:26:20,345 'I think I'm dying!' 462 00:26:20,380 --> 00:26:22,900 Yeah? Well, call me when you're sure. 463 00:26:24,620 --> 00:26:27,145 Go up and see what's wrong with him will you, Cathy? 464 00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:30,500 Tell him if he doesn't behave, I'll come and take his temperature! 465 00:26:30,535 --> 00:26:31,700 Cathy! 466 00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:37,420 Here, love, that's for you. 467 00:26:37,455 --> 00:26:38,985 What's this? 468 00:26:39,020 --> 00:26:40,980 Encyclopaedia Britannica. 469 00:26:43,660 --> 00:26:44,865 It's a phone number. 470 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:47,700 Yes, it's Teddy Brannigan's phone number. 471 00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:53,740 You know I don't like gossip, but I was down at me yoga classes and... 472 00:26:56,260 --> 00:26:58,660 .. I was levitating beside Mary Matthews and... 473 00:26:58,695 --> 00:27:00,785 she was talking about Teddy Brannigan. 474 00:27:00,820 --> 00:27:04,260 His wife shagged off on him, left him with two young kids, two years ago. 475 00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:09,780 It's not easy on your own with young children, and I know that. And I... 476 00:27:09,815 --> 00:27:11,865 I thought a phone call might cheer him up. 477 00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:14,220 You know you get a phone call sometimes, "Hello? 478 00:27:14,255 --> 00:27:16,020 "Oh, Jesus I'm cheered up!" 479 00:27:17,940 --> 00:27:20,300 Anyway that's his number... 480 00:27:23,660 --> 00:27:25,940 Thank you, Mammy. You're welcome! 481 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:30,060 I mean it, Mammy. 482 00:27:32,340 --> 00:27:33,380 Really. 483 00:27:34,740 --> 00:27:36,080 Thank you. 484 00:27:36,115 --> 00:27:37,420 I know you do. 485 00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:42,380 That... that's what we do, love... 486 00:27:42,415 --> 00:27:44,385 mothers... 487 00:27:44,420 --> 00:27:45,860 that's what we feckin' do. 488 00:27:54,420 --> 00:27:58,540 That's it, I suppose, you know. I'm not a cleaner, or a businesswoman. 489 00:27:59,940 --> 00:28:01,340 I'm a mother. 490 00:28:02,780 --> 00:28:05,140 And, and that's what we do. That! 491 00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:10,380 He's still a buckin' thug! 492 00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:14,500 Who are you talking to, Mammy? 493 00:28:15,540 --> 00:28:19,020 Nobody. Just meself, you know. Nobody important. 494 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,065 Goodnight.