All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s02e07 Last Tango

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

Hear that?

Saxophones. Hear it.

There's a dance at the staff social
club. It's rather romantic, isn't it?

Romantic? It should be stopped.

Why? People in hospital shouldn't have
to listen to that. I bet it's driving

them mad in orthopaedic. All them feet
tapping away inside plaster casts.

I think it's romantic. Can't you imagine
it, Pete?

Gliding with a beautiful woman through
the dancing throng, turning this way and

that, under a myriad of glittering
lights, moving as one, hearts beating as

Yeah, and falling over as one.

That's what would happen if you tried
gliding through the dancing throng,

It's just a brawl these days. It's all
limbo dancing and doing the splits.

I was a beautiful dancer.

Full of rhythm.

Really?

The pot trot, that was my speciality.
Yeah, well, it would be being an hunting

man. That and throwing bread rolls.

I didn't throw bread rolls.

Oh, I remember those mid -thumb of
balls.

The women beautifully gone, dancing on
the terrace. The music mingling with

the... A scent of honeysuckle and my
partner, dark and vivacious, following

every move and me in white tie and
tails, bending her to my will.

Bending her to your will? I thought that
came afterwards, down by the tennis

courts.

I wouldn't expect you to appreciate it,
Figgis. After all, what do you know

about dancing?

Quite a lot, as a matter of fact. You've
obviously never heard of the Roy Figgis

Formation Dancers. Well, they don't
exactly spring to mind. We were very big

the South. We should have won the area
final. Why didn't you? Not enough

sequins.

Then what have you got against the
music? Doesn't it bring it all back to

Oh, that's the trouble. It makes you
realise what you're missing.

Oh, they'll be letting the balloons down
soon. I always enjoyed that. Grabbing

the biggest balloon and bursting
everyone else's with your faggot.

Yes, and then they play The Last Waltz
and you feel that this may be your

of destiny and you look deep into her
eyes and ask her that question that's

trembling on your lips all evening. Do
you or don't you?

No. Can I see you home? And she says,
now I'm with a friend. And you say,

a pity because I've got my chewing gum
stuck in your ear.

Well, you won't get many refusals down
there tonight because there's a shortage

of men. They say the nurses have to
dance with each other. Oh, what a

waste. I heard that some of the nurses
crept into one of the wards last week

had a last waltz with the patients.

What?

Blimey, why didn't they come in here?

Oh, I could just do with a slow waltz, a
few drinks, soft music.

Why don't we ask them to call on us?

Well, I must say, I find that I don't...

Idea rather attractive. We could use one
of the private rooms. They're usually

standing empty. It's an absolute waste
of a taxpayer's money.

It's a great idea.

We could get some drinks in, have bowls
of crisps, borrow a record player. You

can count me out. Why?

I can't dance.

What?

What was all that about gliding through
a throng with a beautiful woman, turning

this way and that under a myriad of
light?

Well, I've often imagined what it would
be like.

I tried it with a book once.

Well, that's the trouble, Norman. You're
supposed to do it with a woman.

You can't learn. from a book. Yes, you
can. You follow these footprints.

Well, what good's that? You want to be a
dancer and attract a dog?

I did go to a dance once.

Well, how did you get on? I was all
right on the straight bits, but I

turn the corners.

That's because you hadn't mastered the
reverse turn. That's something every

dancer must know how to turn. You can't
expect them to leave the doors open for

you. Watch, I'll show you.

Oh, that's very goofy.

Lovely, Roy. Chassé reverse turn.

Cross chassis.

Zigzag.

Fishtank.

Oh, I can do the lot, mate.

Oh, but don't let it get too
complicated.

Why don't you try something simpler?
Come on, do a slow waltz. Do it with me.

Oh, now I feel silly. Come on, you're
far too self -conscious. That's your

trouble. Now, come on. Now, the man
holds the lady's right hand in his left,

palm to palm, thumbs crossed.

Place the right hand under the lady's
shoulder blade very lightly.

No grubby fingers on the brocade, and no
grogan for the bra strap.

Off we go, and mind the end of me dress.
You all must look happy.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

See? It's easy.

Now talk to me.

Talk to you? I can't talk and dance at
the same time. You've got to.

This is your golden opportunity.

You've got me to yourself at last.

Go on.

Do you come here often?

Isn't that all you can say?

I should be remarking on the colour of
my eyes, my vivacious good looks.

Excuse me. Please, gentlemen, one at a
time.

Oh, hello, Doctor.

You are getting back into bed things,
aren't you, Norman? I'm sorry, Doctor.

was amusing. It got me going. I was just
jumping over the few steps. Yes, so I

see. Well, it's not good enough. I'm
disappointed in you figures. Don't

Doctor. He was saving the last waltz for
you.

I hope, Doctor, that last verse of it
was deplorable.

Oh, do you know about it? What does he
know about it? Mr. Topp is the proper

guest on this level, isn't he?

I don't think we...

He got it for ballroom dancing.

I didn't think it was for surgery.

What's that, Figgis? I suppose you'll be
going down there later.

Well, I may go down there and tread a
measure, Figgis. You know, I look at

Doctor, I can see that you're a dancing
man. It's the way your body is swaying

to the music.

I do have this innate sense of rhythm.

What's it like down there with all the
nurses?

I bet they get a bit wild when they get
to the bottom of the old fudge bowl.

Wild? nonsense club. It's all good,
clean, healthy exercise. We have the

the barn dance, the gag, all... The Paul
Jones?

Don't forget the Paul Jones.

What fun that is. What excitement.

We all join hands and we dance in the
circle like this.

And when the music stops, who is going
to be there? What will it be? The heart

is pounding.

Will it be the thin lady from X -Ray or
the big blonde Rosalind with the

magnificent...

want to unsettle them. Don't worry,
Doctor. I don't find the Paul Jones

particularly erotic.

Don't you do anything modern?

Oh, goodness, yes.

Suddenly the lights are dead, and they
begin to play the tango.

Mr. Top puts the rollers between his
teeth.

See the lady?

They glide across the floor, cheek to
cheek. You would not get a hand between

them. I close these windows, Gupta,
otherwise you could have a very deterred

night. Don't you listen to the music,
Mr. Tom? The music can have a very

disturbing effect, Gupta.

The sensuous, insidious rhythms, the
incessant beat of the drum. It can bring

out the baseless animal instincts.

Civilization is only skin deep, Gupta.

You've only got to scratch figures to
find the savage.

Just a moment.

I think that's a rumba.

I don't want to miss that. Excuse me.

Very nice, Eileen. We can't go on
meeting like this.

Oh, be quiet.

Before you abandon all restraint, I'll
have you know I'm a sick man.

You're not acting like a sick man. Hey,
did you enjoy the dance last night?

Not really.

There weren't enough men. Oh, yes.

Well, listen, we're having a little do
tonight. Private ward, nine o 'clock,

soft light, sweet music, a few twiglets.
Why don't you come and bring a few

friends? Is it somebody's birthday?

In a manner of speaking, I'm hoping it's
going to be mine.

I'm not sure I'd like to say that.

Well, what do you say?

Are you sure it'll be all right? Yeah,
it's all been arranged.

A few drinks, light refreshments, a
little dancing, a sort of group therapy.

Nine o 'clock? Yes.

Private wing? That's right. You can't
miss it. It'll be the room with the

balloons. Well, I'm not doing anything
tonight.

Right. See you later.

Is it all fixed up? All arranged. The
word's gone out. There should be quite a

crowd. Did you get the drink? Yes,
vodka.

A Cossack's revenge. They won't know
what's in a... Well, I'm not drinking

It's not good for you. Of course it's
good for you. How do you think Cossacks

get down on their knees and throw their
legs about?

Who protects the joints? It also has the
advantage of being odourless and

tasteless. Well, if it's odourless and
tasteless, why bother to drink it?

Because it can also render you legless
and senseless.

Well, I'm not drinking that. Don't
worry, Norman. I'll get some vermouth

some... Very nice, Archie. That'll add a
little class to the proceedings.

Mind you, nothing below 80 % proof.

Right, now, did you get the record
player, Norman? Oh, yes.

Mother brought it in.

Where's the plug?

No, no, you wind it up.

Wind it up?

Well, this is a dance, not Desert Island
Discs.

You can't break off in the middle of a
dance to wind up the gramophone. Oh,

don't worry, I'll be in charge of this.
No, you won't, cos you'll be dancing.

Oh, do I have to? Of course you have to,
love. Come on and practice those steps

I showed you. I still can't turn.

That's all right. We'll wedge the door
open for you. Excuse me, Arthur. Can I

borrow that?

Here you are, Norman. Here's your
partner.

Gentlemen!

Why is that young man dancing with a
broom? Because he couldn't find a woman,

mate. We're a very man -oriented group
round here, mate, and it's either the

broom or me and people are beginning to
talk. Nonsense, Mr Figgis. There's far

too much laxity around here. Things need
to be tightened up.

I've even heard that the strong drink
has been smuggled into the hospital.

Strong drink?

Did you hear that, Archie? Whatever
next?

Well, I shall get to the bottom of it.

I'm sure Mr Thorpe would be surprised
and shocked to know what's going on if

were to know that one of his patients
was whirling around on the end of a

He'd be appalled.

Now, watch me, Norman.

It's a quarter turn followed by a
quarter chassis.

Slow, quick, quick step. Keep your
weight on the ball's feet. Listen to

you've got and what you're doing to
that.

Mr Thorpe!

Ah, there you are, Mr Thorpe. Good
evening, Matron. Is it?

A day to part.

The stands of this hospital are in
decline, Mr Thorpe.

Discipline is lax and the patients are
out of hand.

It is not a good evening.

Quite. Now, will you excuse me for my
brother's time? Time? You showed no

of tiredness this afternoon when you
were dancing with that broom.

I was astonished, Mr Thorpe. Well, it
was all quite harmless.

Well, I wouldn't have described it as
harmless. You appear to be in the grip

Saturday night fever.

No wonder the health service is in
disarray.

Are you aware that strong drink is being
smuggled into this hospital?

Strong drink? Sure. Of course I'm sure.
We're finding the empties everywhere.

We must be vigilant, Mr Thorpe. Right.

But if you need me, I'll be in the
private wing. I must get some rest. I'm

call later.

On call?

Well, I only hope you have the strength
to answer.

Remember, Mr Thorpe, many are called,
but few are chosen.

Yes, I quite agree. And I think you're
worrying I'm duly drinking in the

hospital. Not my patients.

That's right. Pour it all in, then we'll
get rid of the bottles.

Listen. What happened to the rest of it?
You haven't drunk it, have you? Of

course not. I'm still standing, aren't
I? Now Norman's taken some down already.

No -one will suspect him. And why should
they? A carafe containing a colourless

liquid looking exactly like water, but
in reality a lethal cocktail guaranteed

to take the starch out of the stiffest
apron.

Come on, let's get rid of these.

What are you doing?

Why aren't you in bed?

We're going to see the late film. You
said it would be all right. Don't you

remember? No, I don't remember.

Oh, you did, didn't he, Archie? Yes, I
remember it distinctly.

It's all right for you to go and watch
television. I'm stuck in this place.

I'm fed up, I tell you.

I'm out on my feet, but no one cares. We
care, Gupta. That's why we're going. We

know you'll run off your feet. We just
don't want to be a burden to you.

Why are you being nice to me, Figgis?

I'm not being nice. Just common
humanity, that's all. Well, we'll be

If I was not on tonight, I would not be
watching television.

Down in the social club, dancing with
the big English lady.

I'm fed up, I tell you.

I hate night duty.

Oh,

that's very strange. What do you think,
Archie? There's definitely something

there, isn't there?

Yes, it's fluoride.

They've overdone it again.

They don't care, do they?

compulsory mass medication.

I don't agree with it. After all, what
does it get you? A perfect set of

choppers and a stomach like the inside
of an old kettle. I'll throw it away.

I'll look after it.

What are you waiting for? You go, enjoy
yourself.

Don't worry about Gupta. No one cares
about him.

Are you quite comfortable, staff? Oh,
please, don't get up. I'd hate to

you. Where are the patients?

They're watching television.

They should be in bed.

No, I should be in bed.

What? I've been on all day and all
night. I'm very tired.

All I want to do is rest my head on a
deep, soft pillow and sleep forever.

Now, come along, Star. You mustn't give
in like this. Remember, you're a nurse.

Please don't call me that.

I'm a man. You are a woman.

Very beautiful woman.

What?

Really? Stop. Sit down.

Take the weight off your feet. Let us do
the backward away.

Now then, stop.

I, uh... I know that you've been on duty
a long time.

And I know that you've been under
considerable strain.

I... I do sympathize.

But you really mustn't give in like
this.

Perhaps I can get you some assistance.

Thank you.

Well, where are all the girls?

Don't worry, they'll be along in a
minute. I knew it, it's going to be a

complete sham. No, it isn't. They'll be
down here in droves. I don't think we

should be in here. Oh, will you be
quiet, Archie? Pour him a drink while I

the urdy -gurdy. Yes, all right.

a veteran.

What did you think?

It's very smooth, isn't it?

Well, of course. It was mixed by an
expert.

Steady, Norman. You don't want to overdo
it. Let's see what we've got here.

A runaway train.

A teddy bear's picnic.

A change in guards at Buckingham Palace.

We can't play these. Haven't you got
anything else?

Oh, here we are.

Begin the begin.

Ah, that's more like it.

Well, what are we going to do now? Send
out the three brooms?

Don't worry.

They'll be along in a minute.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Coming, darling.

Where are the others?

They're not coming. What do you mean
they're not coming? When I told them it

you three, they wouldn't come.

I knew it was going to be a complete
sham. No, it isn't. There'll be others.

word's gone out. You're lucky you got
here before the rush. You want to seize

your opportunity.

What's that music?

It's the beginning.

Would you care to dance?

I don't know it.

Then you'll just have to put yourself
into my hands.

Let me conjure up a tropical night heavy
with the scent of jasmine.

Excuse us.

There's not much room.

Then we'll just have to dance closely.

What's the matter?

Your moustache is tickling my ear.

Oh, concentrate for a moment.

Imagine an island paradise.

And down on the shore, an orchestra
playing.

And even the palms.

seem to be swaying. It brings back a
memory evergreen.

That's lovely.

Do you make it up yourself?

I'm a master of words.

That's too slow. Would you speed it up,
you idiot?

Who are you calling an idiot? You be
careful. I've been drinking.

Watch it, Archie. He's on his fourth
class. It's not my fault he can't hold

drink. Wind it up, Figgis. You wind it
up yourself.

Will you be quiet, Norman? I'm talking
to the organ grinder, not his monkey.

I want more speed.

Well, I'll give you more speed.

There we are, team.

Well, we're 78 already.

Would you tell them to stop messing
about with this ground? All right, all

right. Come on, let's see what else
we've got. There we are. Now look, a

of Glendale.

Right, I am going to dance. Now I'm
going to dance and no one is going to

me. Come here, Ivy.

I shall lead with my left foot, then go
into a reverse turn.

Followed by a shaggy.

Flow, quick, quick. Flow, flow.

Excuse me.

No. Excuse me, darling.

Say. I do.

Shove off. You've had your turn. Don't
talk to me like that, you little

pipsqueak. Don't call me a pipsqueak.
I'm feeling very aggressive.

You want to be careful, Archie. Drink
gets some people like that.

Anyway, there's no need to fall out.
There'll be plenty more along the

No, but this music... Oh, come on,
Arlie. Have a drink.

There, now. This should sort you out.

You'll feel better after that.

It's like silk, isn't it?

It's more like water, if you ask me.

I think I'll push it up.

Did you see that? She thinks it tastes
like water. It's going to hit her

like a bomb.

Let's see if I can find a tango to get
her in the mood.

This is your day of destiny, my dear.

Prepare yourself for the experience of a
lifetime.

Figgis is about to perform the tango.

Rudolph Valentino, eat your arca.

Go, go!

Figgis, what do you think you're doing?

I'm just having a bit of a knees -up,
Doctor. Knees -up? Not my year of

experience. I've never seen you this
effective. I'm sorry, Doctor.

Tell him to sing his hook. Shut up,
Norman.

We didn't mean any harm, and please,
don't blame Nurse.

We just thought it would be rather
frantic. Rather frantic?

Spectacular. You're off balance, Figgis.
Your interpretation was abysmal, and

your back caught you as a joke.

I suppose you think you could do better.

View the music, Figgis. Let it bring out
the laughing in you. Picture that

crowded fellow, Montmartre, with the
flickering candles.

See her wanton movement through the
flame.

You take a rose of colour, but she...

and push aside her admire and take her
by the wrist.

Mr Thorpe!

Have you taken leave of your sentence?

Where do you think you are? Hammersmith
Ballet?

I was just giving a little demonstration
meeting.

In your dressing gown?

Good heavens, I forgot.

You seem to have forgotten everything,
Mr Thorpe.

You've forgotten your position in this
hospital, you've forgotten your duty to

your patients, and you've forgotten your
responsibility as a surgeon.

I'll see you in the morning, when you're
sober.

Nurse, come with me.

Beat it, I can explain.

Kick it.

That's done it. I said it would be a
sham. Poor old Thorpe. Well, I thought

was very good. I could just see that
cellar in Monty Martyr with its

vandals and her mountain movements
through the plain. Shut up, Norman,

drunk. Have I really? Yes, drunk as a
fiddler's bitch.

I know one thing I wish I was.

I was going to be out of pay in the
morning.

Well, there's only one thing for it,
Roy.

Yeah.

Why not?

Cheers.

Ciao, Grandma.

Ciao,

Grandma.