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1
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:25,501
Mom wants you
to set the table.
2
00:01:25,501 --> 00:01:27,334
I'm working
on my paper.
3
00:01:27,334 --> 00:01:29,100
Yeah, right.
What's the topic,
4
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:31,400
Larry, the unsung stooge?
5
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:36,000
No. Columbus--
heroic explorer or
scumball from Spain?
6
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,634
Man, you must
really want to go
to summer school, huh?
7
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:42,000
It's totally bogus.
He was a slave trader.
8
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,434
Do they want the truth,
9
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:47,067
Or do they want me to
spit back the textbook?
10
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:48,167
Who's the
teacher?
11
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:49,334
Grayson.
12
00:01:49,334 --> 00:01:51,801
Oh. Spit.
13
00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:54,367
High school's
just learning lies
and telling lies.
14
00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:57,300
Then
how come you ain't
getting any As?
15
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,534
We'll be eating
in five minutes,
16
00:02:00,534 --> 00:02:02,701
and after two
or three helpings,
17
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:05,167
people might notice
that there's
no silverware.
18
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,734
One minute.
19
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:09,868
Mmm. What
smells good?
20
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,434
Prime rib, baked potatoes,
21
00:02:11,434 --> 00:02:12,934
and all the trimmings.
22
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:14,934
Hey, that
does smell good.
23
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,934
What are we having?
24
00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:18,934
Something I need
scissors for.
25
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:22,601
Darlene,
set the table!
26
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:23,701
Coming!
27
00:02:23,701 --> 00:02:27,267
I got a call
from Stan Becker
this morning.
28
00:02:27,267 --> 00:02:28,767
Oh, gee,
that reminds me--
29
00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:30,267
Stan Becker
called yesterday.
30
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:31,868
He mentioned that.
31
00:02:31,868 --> 00:02:34,300
Anyway,
he's remodeling
the pizza barn,
32
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:36,300
His regular
drywaller
bailed on him,
33
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:40,901
So he offered me
a buttload of money
to do the job.
34
00:02:40,901 --> 00:02:43,300
I said I don't
do that anymore.
35
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:46,200
He says
he's heard it's slow
at the shop,
36
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,634
And he's in a bind.
37
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:50,634
He made me promise
to talk it over with you.
38
00:02:50,634 --> 00:02:52,133
What do you think?
39
00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:54,133
Sorry. I kind of
quit listening
40
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,934
right after
buttload of money.
41
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,467
O.k., things are slow
at the shop,
42
00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:00,868
But if I start
drywalling again,
43
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,868
I'll feel like
a total washout.
44
00:03:02,868 --> 00:03:05,834
Well, we do what
we got to do, Dan.
45
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:08,400
If we didn't
settle for less
every so often,
46
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,300
me and you
would be married
to other people.
47
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:14,167
I don't know. I got
to think about it.
48
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,767
Oh, don't do that.
49
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:18,300
I'm serious. Grayson's
the summer school king.
50
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,801
You don't give him
what he wants,
51
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,801
You're looking
at eight weeks in
a moron steam bath.
52
00:03:23,801 --> 00:03:26,334
I don't know what
he wants, Becky.
53
00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:27,367
It's easy.
54
00:03:27,367 --> 00:03:28,667
Let's see.
55
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:32,067
Columbus was looking
for a new trade route
to China.
56
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:33,734
He found San Salvador.
57
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,167
And slaughtered, like,
thousands of people.
58
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:38,334
Well, you can
throw that in,
59
00:03:38,334 --> 00:03:41,100
But don't make
a big deal out of it.
60
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,567
Look, Darlene, if you want,
61
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,868
I'll help you
with your paper
after dinner.
62
00:03:44,868 --> 00:03:47,701
Why are you doing
this, Becky?
63
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:49,133
'Cause you're
my sister.
64
00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:51,601
And because I don't
want to support you
65
00:03:51,601 --> 00:03:53,601
After mom and dad
are dead.
66
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:01,334
Better get going, Dan.
You're going to be late.
67
00:04:02,901 --> 00:04:05,701
Oh, don't you
look cute.
68
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:09,000
These overalls
are all stiff
and scratchy.
69
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,968
That's 'cause
we never washed them
after your last job.
70
00:04:11,968 --> 00:04:14,868
Once you get
a good sweat going,
they'll loosen up.
71
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:17,868
Now, you play nice
with all those other
little drywallers.
72
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:19,868
There are no other
drywallers,
73
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:22,534
just me and a wall
and failure.
74
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:24,434
O.k., well,
here's your lunch.
75
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:26,868
Thanks for juggling
your schedule
at the mall
76
00:04:26,868 --> 00:04:29,434
so you could
cover for me here.
77
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:32,067
It's nice here.
Nobody ever comes in
and bothers me.
78
00:04:39,033 --> 00:04:40,534
What else you got,
Barney?
79
00:04:40,534 --> 00:04:43,534
How about a set
of long-nose
locking pliers?
80
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,234
30-Piece
screwdriver kit?
81
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:47,167
No, I don't want
to mess around
82
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:49,968
with lots
of dinky parts.
83
00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,267
Dan's depressed.
84
00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:54,167
I need one thing
that'll really
cheer him up,
85
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:58,400
Like a great big,
loud, shiny,
grinding thing
86
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,834
That cuts stuff up.
87
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:01,467
Yeah, or...
88
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,968
shoots stuff
up in the air.
89
00:05:03,968 --> 00:05:05,801
Yeah,
with a handle.
90
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:08,067
You got anything
like that?
91
00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,567
Oh, look at--here.
92
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:11,300
"Heavy-duty
air hammer."
93
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,100
Is it red?
94
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,300
No, it's black,
but it comes in
a big red box.
95
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:18,234
Yeah.
Yeah.
96
00:05:19,334 --> 00:05:20,334
Hey.
97
00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:21,501
Hey, girls.
98
00:05:21,501 --> 00:05:23,901
All right.
With the box,
it'll be 49.99.
99
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:26,100
I'll pick up
the tax.
100
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,367
We're short on cash
right now.
101
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:30,634
It's all right.
I can wait.
102
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,567
Well, you will.
103
00:05:32,567 --> 00:05:35,000
I'll drop it by later.
See you, Rosie.
104
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,501
Thanks a lot,
Barney.
105
00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:37,868
Nice meeting you,
Jackie.
106
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:39,467
Yeah.
Thanks, Barney.
107
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:42,934
No cash, huh?
Guess I can't do
the grocery shopping.
108
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:44,234
Ha ha.
109
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:46,667
Well, you're
not getting off
that easy. Nope.
110
00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:49,601
I want you
to also stop by
the drugstore--
111
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,033
Here's
the tickets--
112
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:53,534
And pick up
my photos
from Vegas.
113
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:55,000
Anything else, mother?
114
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,968
Yeah. If you get
a second,
115
00:05:56,968 --> 00:05:58,467
Dump that Mark guy.
116
00:05:59,534 --> 00:06:02,100
So are you going
to tell her?
117
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,100
No.
118
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,100
[Roseanne]
what?
119
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,300
Nothing.
120
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,801
Come on, Darlene.
If I'm going to court,
121
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,801
I better get something
dry cleaned.
122
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:13,367
She got a "B" on
her history paper.
123
00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:14,601
A "B"!
124
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,100
All right, Darlene!
125
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,133
Let me see!
Let me see!
126
00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:19,501
It's no big deal.
127
00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:22,200
What are you talking
about? It is so!
128
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,934
It's a "B"! A "B."
129
00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:25,267
A "B."
130
00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:29,701
Becky,
go to the store
and get a cake
131
00:06:29,701 --> 00:06:32,133
because we're going
to have ourselves
a party.
132
00:06:32,133 --> 00:06:35,634
Aw, what the hell.
Get one that was
baked today.
133
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,133
Mom, stop it.
134
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,067
This is a great thing.
135
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,133
I'm thinking of hanging
it up in the bathroom
136
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:46,634
where your daddy
can sit and admire it.
137
00:06:46,634 --> 00:06:47,634
A "B"!
138
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:50,133
On the road
to honor roll!
139
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:52,167
This is all
such a load.
140
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:54,434
What's the matter?
How come you're
not happy?
141
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,434
Why would I be happy?
142
00:06:56,434 --> 00:06:59,601
Darlene, it was
a good paper.
Relax, o.k.?
143
00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:01,868
I guess you'd know,
wouldn't you?
144
00:07:01,868 --> 00:07:03,267
What's going on?
145
00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:06,200
Nothing. I just
helped Darlene with
her paper a little.
146
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,267
She wrote the whole thing.
Have a party for her.
147
00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:11,033
I'll be in the car.
148
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:14,000
You wrote it?
149
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,868
Well, yeah, but I--
150
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:18,334
You only got a "B"?
151
00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:19,767
What'd you do that for?
152
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:21,834
I was trying
to help her.
153
00:07:21,834 --> 00:07:24,667
Aren't we all supposed
to be helping Darlene?
154
00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:26,100
That doesn't help her, Becky.
155
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,534
Darlene doesn't
do anything.
156
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,734
If you do
everything for her,
157
00:07:29,734 --> 00:07:31,634
She'll never
come out of this.
158
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:34,100
I kept her
from flunking, mother.
159
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:37,667
She conned you
into doing it so
she didn't have to.
160
00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:39,167
Even D.J. Could've
seen that coming.
161
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,634
That's really
stupid, Becky.
162
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:44,100
Great. I help her
and get yelled at.
It's so typical.
163
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:46,000
Don't give me
that martyr crap.
164
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,601
When did you
ever buy me a cake
165
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,534
for bringing home
a decent grade
166
00:07:50,534 --> 00:07:53,100
or helping out D.J.
or doing the laundry
167
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,767
or any of the other
million things I do
168
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:59,334
while Darlene
sits around and sucks up
all the attention?
169
00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:02,100
Brother.
170
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,100
Yeah.
171
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,701
Oh, man,
I really wanted
that "B"!
172
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:08,868
I know, I know,
and you deserved it,
Roseanne.
173
00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,868
You worked hard for it.
174
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,100
My life is crap.
175
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,868
Now, things
will turn around.
You'll see.
176
00:08:16,868 --> 00:08:18,367
Darlene will be fine,
177
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,934
And Dan will be fine,
178
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,934
And we'll buy Becky
a new power tool,
179
00:08:22,934 --> 00:08:25,067
And she'll be fine.
180
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:28,701
Jackie, would you
go across the street
and get me a soda?
181
00:08:28,701 --> 00:08:30,701
Sure. Yeah, sure.
Of course.
182
00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:33,000
What do you want,
something diet?
183
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,834
Oh, don't make it
worse, Jackie.
184
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,334
Yeah. Be right back.
185
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:01,968
Forgot my wallet.
186
00:09:09,234 --> 00:09:11,534
[Cough cough]
187
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:13,400
You o.k.?
188
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,267
Yeah, you just
scared me.
189
00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:18,100
You need money?
Here, take my purse.
190
00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:22,167
O.k. You sure
you're o.k.?
191
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:23,167
Yeah.
192
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:25,400
And bring back some ice.
193
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,634
Why?
194
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,934
Just bring back
some cold ice.
195
00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:31,133
O.k.
196
00:09:33,300 --> 00:10:13,834
Aah! Ow!
197
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:19,601
Mom,
198
00:10:19,601 --> 00:10:21,033
What's this word?
199
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:24,534
"Handkerchief."
200
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,367
You stink!
201
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:28,400
I do not.
202
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,601
You smell like smoke.
203
00:10:30,601 --> 00:10:33,100
Well, my hair
was on fire.
204
00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:51,467
Damn.
205
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:52,968
[Flushes]
206
00:10:52,968 --> 00:10:53,968
Hello.
207
00:10:53,968 --> 00:10:55,033
Hi.
208
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:57,767
I didn't expect you
home so soon.
209
00:10:57,767 --> 00:10:59,200
Naw. Me, either.
210
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,200
Finished earlier
than I thought.
211
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,200
How were things
at the shop?
212
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,367
Uh, slow.
213
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:05,801
How was your day?
214
00:11:05,801 --> 00:11:08,868
Not nearly as bad
as I thought.
Saw old friends.
215
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:11,868
Stan offered me
some more work
next week.
216
00:11:11,868 --> 00:11:14,300
I said, "no."
he said, "please."
217
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,968
I gave him
an insanely high
estimate.
218
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,467
He says, "o.k."
219
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:19,801
Mmm. Good.
220
00:11:19,801 --> 00:11:21,300
The architect
stopped by.
221
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,601
We were
talking about bikes.
222
00:11:22,601 --> 00:11:26,067
He wants to see
that new Harley
I just finished.
223
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:28,067
Things could be
a lot worse.
224
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:31,467
On the way home, I
stopped at the shop,
225
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:32,968
checked out
my new present.
226
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:35,901
We thought it
would be perfect.
Did you like it?
227
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:37,067
I loved it.
228
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,667
Can you use it?
229
00:11:38,667 --> 00:11:41,200
You kidding? Can't
build a quonset hut
without one.
230
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,834
Well, he said
he'd take it back
if you want.
231
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:46,734
No, no. It's
special to me.
232
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:48,567
Oh, listen,
one more thing.
233
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:49,767
Yeah,
what's up?
234
00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:52,901
Are you smoking
menthol or those
charcoal tips?
235
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,067
I'm not smoking.
236
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,601
Oh, come on, Roseanne,
your hair smells
like smoke.
237
00:11:59,601 --> 00:12:01,033
People in
the restaurant
smoke.
238
00:12:01,033 --> 00:12:03,701
Your clothes smell.
The toothpaste
and the mouthwash?
239
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:04,901
Dentists say--
240
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,400
How long?
241
00:12:09,334 --> 00:12:11,267
O.k. Well...
I don't know.
242
00:12:11,267 --> 00:12:15,267
Ever since
I had to buy Becky
birth control pills.
243
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:17,901
Ever since
Darlene turned
into vegetable dip.
244
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:20,100
Ever since you
opened that shop.
245
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,634
Ever since I have to
work two jobs.
246
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:25,234
It's just been
a real sucky year, Dan.
247
00:12:25,234 --> 00:12:27,100
It's either
smoke or eat.
248
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,701
You don't want me
to gain back all
the weight I lost.
249
00:12:30,701 --> 00:12:32,033
You're right.
Keep smoking.
250
00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:35,334
I like my women
skinny and
hawking up tar.
251
00:12:35,334 --> 00:12:38,200
Well, it's not like
you don't come home
every night
252
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,267
and have
two or three beers.
253
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:41,400
You're right.
254
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,634
Yeah, and it's not
like you don't sit
255
00:12:43,634 --> 00:12:45,467
in the living room,
watching TV,
256
00:12:45,467 --> 00:12:47,100
and pig out
on garbage.
257
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,434
No argument there.
258
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,501
Where do you get off
being all high
and mighty?
259
00:12:51,501 --> 00:12:52,434
I don't smoke.
260
00:12:52,434 --> 00:12:54,133
You taught me to.
261
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,734
And made you quit.
262
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:56,734
I'll quit again.
263
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:57,801
When?
264
00:12:57,801 --> 00:13:00,701
I'll get back
to you.
265
00:13:00,701 --> 00:13:02,100
When?
266
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,200
I got to get through
the holidays.
267
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,667
I'm also the one
that came up
with that excuse.
268
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:09,234
I said I'm gonna
quit!
269
00:13:09,234 --> 00:13:11,133
Why should I
believe you?
270
00:13:11,133 --> 00:13:13,067
Now you're calling me
a liar?
271
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:15,667
You been smoking
secretly how
many months now?
272
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:18,968
Well, that doesn't
make me a liar.
273
00:13:18,968 --> 00:13:21,601
Well, wait a minute.
What does it make you?
274
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,534
Sneaky.
275
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:32,200
You did, too,
order salami.
Yes, you did.
276
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,868
Then why'd you take
a big old bite
out of it?
277
00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:38,334
Oh, she's doing
much better, Dan.
278
00:13:38,334 --> 00:13:39,334
Yeah.
279
00:13:39,334 --> 00:13:41,400
Eat it
or wear it!
280
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,400
Well, she's
a little cranky,
281
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,834
But I haven't let her
have a cigarette
282
00:13:45,834 --> 00:13:47,400
all day long.
283
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,334
Hey, no problem.
She's my friend.
284
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:51,334
Just chat away
while I run
285
00:13:51,334 --> 00:13:53,834
the whole damn
restaurant
by myself.
286
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,334
Look, I got to go.
287
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,901
Check back with me
later. Bye.
288
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:59,901
Oh, do you work here?
289
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:02,901
Oh, are you having
another nicotine fit?
290
00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:05,400
Yeah, I guess so.
291
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,834
Sorry. Give me a minute.
I know it'll pass.
292
00:14:09,901 --> 00:14:11,868
Look, why don't you
just relax?
293
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:14,400
Tell you what,
you make the coffee.
294
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,968
I'll take
that table.
295
00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:17,767
Sure, hog
all the tips.
296
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:18,834
Afternoon.
297
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:20,868
Where's your uniform,
Roseanne?
298
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:22,033
Blblblt!
299
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,434
Can I help you?
300
00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:33,234
Uh, yeah.
Which is better,
301
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:35,300
The tuna salad
or egg salad?
302
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,868
Tuna salad, egg salad,
chicken salad,
303
00:14:37,868 --> 00:14:39,300
Turkey salad,
shrimp salad--
304
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,000
What difference
does it make?
305
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,434
It's all just different
words for mayonnaise.
Pick one.
306
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:45,634
Excuse us.
307
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:48,234
That certainly was an ugly
little incident there,
308
00:14:48,234 --> 00:14:49,701
Wasn't it, Roseanne?
309
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:51,601
I'm trying
to quit smoking.
310
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:53,501
It's hard
in the beginning.
311
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,000
I didn't know
you smoked.
312
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,968
Yeah. I quit
nine years ago,
313
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:59,767
But I had
a rough year
and started again.
314
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:02,534
Now it's like
I never quit.
Dan's ticked off--
315
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:04,968
Whoops. Whoops,
I'm sorry. My fault.
316
00:15:04,968 --> 00:15:07,501
I expressed an interest
in your life.
317
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,801
I had that coming.
318
00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:13,300
What I meant
to say, Roseanne,
319
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,467
Is that this is
a luncheonette,
320
00:15:15,467 --> 00:15:17,467
Not the betty ford
clinic.
321
00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,734
Be psychotic
on your own time.
322
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,567
I'm on a break.
323
00:15:29,634 --> 00:15:32,567
Believe it or not, Roseanne,
you're going to be o.k.
324
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,567
Hey, this is worse
than PMS.
325
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,601
With PMS,
it only lasts
a couple of days,
326
00:15:37,601 --> 00:15:40,067
And it's way worse
on everybody else
327
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:42,567
Than it is on me,
o.k.?
328
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,667
I know
how you feel.
329
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,501
I know you're my friend.
330
00:15:46,501 --> 00:15:49,567
Could you cover
for me while I go
to the bathroom?
331
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:51,601
Sure, o.k.
You got it.
332
00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:55,667
Let me see that purse.
333
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,100
There's nothing
in there.
334
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,667
Just let me look.
335
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,100
You don't have to look.
Stay out of it.
336
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,868
Why do you
need your purse
in the bathroom?
337
00:16:03,868 --> 00:16:05,334
It's none of your beeswax!
338
00:16:05,334 --> 00:16:07,200
O.k., I think
it's time
339
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,601
We all put our heads
on our desk
340
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:11,667
And had a little
quiet time.
341
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:14,100
She won't let me go
to the bathroom!
342
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:15,133
Roseanne.
343
00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:17,100
She's got
cigarettes
in her purse.
344
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,767
Roseanne goes
to the bathroom.
345
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:20,267
The purse
stays here.
346
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:21,334
Fine!
347
00:16:21,334 --> 00:16:23,267
I'll just get
my coat.
348
00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:24,300
Roseanne...
349
00:16:32,801 --> 00:16:35,367
Darlene could you give me
a hand folding these.
350
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:36,968
Not my turn.
351
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:40,033
I got to pick up D.J.
At soccer practice and I
still got two more loads.
352
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,701
It's the least
you can do.
353
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,467
No. This is
the least I could do.
354
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,701
You are such an ass.
355
00:16:49,701 --> 00:16:52,133
I thought you weren't
talking to me, Becky.
356
00:16:52,133 --> 00:16:54,133
I help you
with your paper,
357
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:56,634
And you get me
nailed for it.
358
00:16:56,634 --> 00:16:58,601
I apologized for that
yesterday.
359
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,534
I didn't ask for help.
You felt sorry for me.
360
00:17:01,534 --> 00:17:03,100
I don't need your pity.
361
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,634
Are you kidding?
You're begging for it.
362
00:17:05,634 --> 00:17:07,734
"Oh, high school's
too hard.
363
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:10,868
My friends
don't like me.
Nobody understands me."
364
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:13,667
Then do something about
it, you little wimp.
365
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:15,400
Shut up. Beck you don't know
what you're talking about.
366
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,801
Oh, of course not,
367
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:20,701
'Cause you're so
complex, you're so deep.
368
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:22,033
Well, that's crap.
369
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:25,367
You're just a whiny
little basket case
370
00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:28,667
who's milking
this depression thing
for all it's worth.
371
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,734
So here it is,
4 in the afternoon,
372
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,634
and you get to do
exactly what you want.
373
00:17:33,634 --> 00:17:36,434
Excuse me. I got
a zillion chores to do,
374
00:17:36,434 --> 00:17:39,067
Or mom and dad
will kick my butt.
375
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:50,267
Oh, a bad day.
376
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:51,267
I know.
377
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:52,767
A bad, bad day.
378
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:53,767
I know.
379
00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:55,434
Ohh, bad day.
380
00:17:55,434 --> 00:17:56,934
Uh-huh.
381
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:58,434
So go on,
382
00:17:58,434 --> 00:17:59,934
Tell me
what happened.
383
00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:03,367
Oh, then I called Leon
a giant doody face,
384
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:05,801
and he sent me home.
385
00:18:05,801 --> 00:18:07,801
Did you smoke?
386
00:18:07,801 --> 00:18:09,300
No, I didn't smoke.
387
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:12,801
I did, however,
eat 7,000 pickle chips.
388
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:14,801
Thanks for
the warning, dear.
389
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,234
I'm an
obsessive-compulsive,
addictive mess, Dan.
390
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,667
I can't do anything
just a little bit.
391
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:26,367
I find something I like,
then totally overdo it,
392
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:27,734
Like smoking, eating...
393
00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:30,567
Thank god
for birth control.
394
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,934
Amen.
395
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:35,968
I don't know
if I can quit this time.
396
00:18:35,968 --> 00:18:38,501
Last time, I had
a really good reason.
397
00:18:38,501 --> 00:18:40,000
I was pregnant with D.J.
398
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,100
What reason
do I have now?
399
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:45,434
'Cause I love you.
I want you with me
a long time.
400
00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:47,901
We're talking
about me now, Dan.
401
00:18:49,501 --> 00:18:52,501
Sorry.
I was just trying
to be wonderful.
402
00:18:52,501 --> 00:18:54,567
I know, and you are.
403
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,100
The problem's
just me.
404
00:18:56,100 --> 00:19:00,634
I blame the kids,
I blame money,
but that's all bull.
405
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:03,100
The problem's me.
I'm just weak.
406
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,133
That's why
I married you--
407
00:19:05,133 --> 00:19:07,334
'Cause you're
so weak and frail.
408
00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:08,767
Don't mind me.
409
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:11,200
I just came
to get the hamper.
410
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,801
Continue with
your foreplay.
411
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:23,501
Why are you
getting the
hamper?
412
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:25,133
To do laundry.
413
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,634
Isn't it
Becky's day?
414
00:19:26,634 --> 00:19:29,334
Yeah, well,
I owe her one.
415
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:33,501
I owe her one,
too, Dan.
416
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:35,667
Get off me. Ohh.
417
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,033
Hey.
418
00:19:46,033 --> 00:19:48,033
What are you doing?
419
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:50,534
I put gas in the car,
420
00:19:50,534 --> 00:19:54,601
Picked up D.J.
from soccer practice.
421
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:56,534
Now I'm doing nothing.
422
00:19:56,534 --> 00:19:58,133
Is that o.k.?
423
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:00,367
Cool.
424
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:03,534
Well...
425
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:06,534
I Sure yelled at you
yesterday, huh?
426
00:20:06,534 --> 00:20:08,033
For no reason.
427
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:10,133
Well, for no
good reason.
428
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:12,601
You should've been
yelling at Darlene.
429
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,601
Well, you know,
I'd love to yell
at Darlene,
430
00:20:15,601 --> 00:20:18,567
But she'd just go
up in her room
and hide.
431
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:20,734
I like yelling
at you more
432
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:23,067
'Cause you're fun.
You yell back.
433
00:20:24,133 --> 00:20:26,133
I was trying to help.
434
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,634
I know it.
435
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:30,634
And you just
gave me grief for it.
436
00:20:30,634 --> 00:20:32,133
I know.
437
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:35,133
Well, you're always
tiptoeing around
Darlene, you know?
438
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:38,133
And nobody wants
to upset her.
439
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:42,133
So I do everything
and get nothing.
440
00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:44,267
You...are right.
441
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:48,133
So what do I get?
442
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:53,167
You're just going to
go right for it,
aren't you?
443
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:55,667
Well, it kind of
feels like my moment.
444
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:58,667
Well, what
do you want?
445
00:20:58,667 --> 00:20:59,901
I--
446
00:20:59,901 --> 00:21:01,434
I'd really like it
447
00:21:01,434 --> 00:21:03,834
if you'd invite Mark
to thanksgiving.
448
00:21:03,834 --> 00:21:06,834
You know, let him
meet the family,
449
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:08,834
kind of
make it official.
450
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,167
How about cash?
451
00:21:12,167 --> 00:21:13,334
Mother.
452
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:17,100
O.k., but he is
neither to smoke
453
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:21,234
nor to have
sex with you
in my house.
454
00:21:21,234 --> 00:21:22,767
Deal.
455
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:23,901
Good.
456
00:21:30,334 --> 00:21:32,267
I don't need
cigarettes, man.
457
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:34,067
My kids will kill me.
459
00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:44,334
Do we have to
watch this movie?
460
00:21:44,334 --> 00:21:45,968
It's a classic,
Roseanne.
461
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:49,067
How come they
get to smoke
and I don't?
462
00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:51,400
'Cause they
didn't know anything
in the thirties.
463
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,033
Look. The men are
all wearing hats.
464
00:21:54,033 --> 00:21:57,000
They're sure enjoying
smoking them cigarettes,
ain't they?
465
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,934
Well,
they're probably
all dead now.
466
00:21:59,934 --> 00:22:02,434
So maybe the hats
killed them.
467
00:22:03,934 --> 00:22:05,434
I want a cigarette.
468
00:22:05,434 --> 00:22:08,267
No. Have
another carrot.
469
00:22:08,267 --> 00:22:10,000
Oh, thanks.
470
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,934
So how long's
it been?
471
00:22:11,934 --> 00:22:12,934
Four days.
472
00:22:12,934 --> 00:22:14,100
[Crunches loudly]
473
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:17,434
Mmm. I guess
I just never
really understood
474
00:22:17,434 --> 00:22:18,934
the whole
addiction thing.
475
00:22:18,934 --> 00:22:21,934
When I had to quit,
it was no big deal,
476
00:22:21,934 --> 00:22:26,934
and I never
felt the urge to
go back to it again.
477
00:22:26,934 --> 00:22:29,501
Well, good for you!
478
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,067
We shouldn't even
be sitting here
watching TV.
479
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:39,467
TV's the way
my generation learned
to smoke, anyhow.
480
00:22:39,467 --> 00:22:41,067
Oh, come on,
Roseanne.
481
00:22:41,067 --> 00:22:42,801
It's true, Jackie.
482
00:22:42,801 --> 00:22:44,234
Lucy smoked.
483
00:22:44,234 --> 00:22:46,033
Desi smoked.
484
00:22:46,033 --> 00:22:48,534
Ward smoked.
485
00:22:48,534 --> 00:22:51,033
Uh, make room
for daddy smoked.
486
00:22:51,033 --> 00:22:54,601
Gomez and Morticia
smoked.
487
00:22:54,601 --> 00:22:56,701
Maxwell Smart smoked.
488
00:22:56,701 --> 00:22:58,200
99. The Chief.
489
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,701
Hymie,
and he was a robot,
but he smoked.
490
00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:04,434
Patty smoked.
491
00:23:04,434 --> 00:23:05,634
Kathy didn't.
492
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:09,501
I know,
but they made her
into a huge nerd.
493
00:23:09,501 --> 00:23:11,067
Rob smoked.
494
00:23:11,067 --> 00:23:12,234
Laura smoked.
495
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,567
Buddy, Sally, Jerry.
496
00:23:16,567 --> 00:23:18,634
Millie smoked.
497
00:23:18,634 --> 00:23:21,734
I don't know about Samantha,
but both Darrins smoked.
34154
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