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1
00:00:09,681 --> 00:00:11,161
Um...
2
00:00:13,161 --> 00:00:17,001
Wh... This is... This is the entertainment
committee for the home, innit?
3
00:00:17,121 --> 00:00:18,041
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:18,161 --> 00:00:20,521
Um, we're planning
a cabaret night. Innit?
5
00:00:20,641 --> 00:00:22,721
Yeah. We, um...
6
00:00:22,841 --> 00:00:25,801
We used to get a professional act
to come in and...and do, er...
7
00:00:25,921 --> 00:00:27,961
a show, but now
we haven't got a budget for that, so...
8
00:00:28,081 --> 00:00:30,081
- Yeah. We can't afford it.
- No. But it doesn't matter,
9
00:00:30,201 --> 00:00:32,881
- cos we'll do it ourselves.
- Do it ourselves, innit? Um... Er...
10
00:00:33,001 --> 00:00:34,601
I'm doing my, um, puppet act.
11
00:00:34,721 --> 00:00:36,041
My bem...
12
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,681
What is it? Bem...triquilism. What is it?
13
00:00:37,801 --> 00:00:38,801
- Ven...
- Ventricosilum.
14
00:00:38,921 --> 00:00:40,121
- What?
- Ventricosilum, mate.
15
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,641
- Ventricosilum. What is it?
- Ventriloquism.
16
00:00:41,761 --> 00:00:42,761
- What?
- Ventricosilum.
17
00:00:42,881 --> 00:00:44,321
- Ventriloquism.
- Ven...
18
00:00:44,441 --> 00:00:46,761
- Ven-tricka-silum.
- Should be good.
19
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:50,481
Duran Duran, film script from 1998,
I wrote it.
20
00:00:50,601 --> 00:00:51,841
How can we do a film?
21
00:00:51,961 --> 00:00:54,081
- We'll make a play of the film.
- Do a play of it.
22
00:00:54,201 --> 00:00:56,001
- Didn't get off the ground, this.
- Why?
23
00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:58,361
- Cos it's who you know, mate.
- Hang on, you've written all that?
24
00:00:58,481 --> 00:00:59,761
- Yeah.
- Have you?
25
00:00:59,881 --> 00:01:01,241
- Yeah.
- Hang on a minute.
26
00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:03,041
You haven't written anything, have you?
I thought it was a full pad.
27
00:01:03,161 --> 00:01:04,961
- You've done, like, four or five pages.
- Have you written a film script, mate?
28
00:01:05,081 --> 00:01:07,521
You haven't! Like I said,
it's four or five pages here.
29
00:01:07,641 --> 00:01:09,761
- Yeah, it's hard work. It's hard work.
- It's not a full script, is it?
30
00:01:09,881 --> 00:01:11,681
Bullet points. Improvisation.
31
00:01:11,801 --> 00:01:14,081
Is that one of the bullet...? Hang on,
get off. Is that one of the bullet points?
32
00:01:14,201 --> 00:01:17,241
What's that there? A little knob
with wings - is that a bullet point?
33
00:01:17,361 --> 00:01:18,761
Dickie bird.
- When does that crop up
34
00:01:18,881 --> 00:01:21,001
in the Simon Le Bon life story?
35
00:01:21,121 --> 00:01:24,121
What else have you done here? Get off!
Let's have a look. You got it out!
36
00:01:24,241 --> 00:01:26,481
I'm allowed to have a look at it.
If you want to put it on, Kev,
37
00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:28,961
you've got to have your critics.
Ooh, there's a good one -
38
00:01:29,081 --> 00:01:30,081
what is going on there?
39
00:01:30,201 --> 00:01:31,601
- It's my cousin.
What's he doing?
40
00:01:31,721 --> 00:01:33,961
Sucking his own knob. I documented it.
41
00:01:35,041 --> 00:01:37,401
- What is going on in your head?
- What's going on in his head?
42
00:01:38,921 --> 00:01:41,441
It's just shit, Kev,
it's just scrawlings of a madman.
43
00:01:41,561 --> 00:01:43,441
Put that in the minutes. Top of the bill.
44
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:46,721
"Duran Duran play, written
and directed by Kevin Twine."
45
00:01:46,841 --> 00:01:48,761
And I'm going to playjohn Taylor,
if you please.
46
00:01:48,881 --> 00:01:50,081
- And I'll play Duran Duran.
What?
47
00:01:50,201 --> 00:01:51,121
I'll play Duran Duran.
48
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,401
Duran Duran is the band.
Do you mean Simon Le Bon?
49
00:01:53,521 --> 00:01:56,441
- Yeah, Simon The Bomb.
- Simon Le Bon, not The Bomb.
50
00:01:56,561 --> 00:02:00,201
Le Bon! Bloody hell! I know
Simon Le Bon has let himself go a bit
51
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:01,841
but, Christ, look at that!
52
00:02:01,961 --> 00:02:04,481
- Take a look at that. Casting.
- I'll do that.
53
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:05,801
What, you'll do casting?
54
00:02:05,921 --> 00:02:07,521
Yeah, what is it?
55
00:02:07,641 --> 00:02:09,321
Why are you volunteering for stuff
that you don't even know what it is?
56
00:02:09,441 --> 00:02:10,641
- What is it?
- It means
57
00:02:10,761 --> 00:02:13,001
- choosing who's going to play what.
- Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that.
58
00:02:13,121 --> 00:02:14,801
Well, we've sorted that one out.
- Yeah.
59
00:02:14,921 --> 00:02:17,401
- Right, we need wigs, we need costumes...
- Old ladies have got wigs here.
60
00:02:17,521 --> 00:02:19,881
I suppose the boys
did have horrendous haircuts.
61
00:02:20,001 --> 00:02:22,321
And they used to wear blouses
and leggings. Get to it, mate.
62
00:02:22,441 --> 00:02:24,001
- I'll go through their wardrobes.
- Go through their wardrobes.
63
00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:26,401
Yeah. Duran Duran: The Play,
coming soon.
64
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,881
And my ven-tri-qui...ism act.
65
00:02:29,001 --> 00:02:30,521
Ven... Ventrileriler...ism.
66
00:02:30,641 --> 00:02:31,881
- Quisilism.
- Ven-triter-quiter...ism.
67
00:02:32,001 --> 00:02:32,921
- Ventriloquism.
- What?
68
00:02:33,041 --> 00:02:33,961
Ventriloquism.
69
00:02:34,081 --> 00:02:35,361
Ven-tril...ismism.
70
00:02:36,401 --> 00:02:39,521
What would win out of a stag beetle
and a...like, a...
71
00:02:39,641 --> 00:02:42,081
a frog, if it had a pair of pliers?
72
00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:44,321
- Is that him now?
73
00:02:44,441 --> 00:02:47,721
Oh...yep. We've got, um, a bloke coming in
to do community service today,
74
00:02:47,841 --> 00:02:49,801
so I have to go and sign him in.
75
00:02:49,921 --> 00:02:52,961
I likes it when community service people
start. Interesting.
76
00:02:54,881 --> 00:02:59,561
This is the kitchen and dining area.
And then this is the main...room, really.
77
00:03:01,321 --> 00:03:03,281
Yeah, um,
they said I could do, like,
78
00:03:03,401 --> 00:03:06,081
- music therapy.
- Oh, brilliant!
79
00:03:06,201 --> 00:03:08,001
Yeah, but these lot
ain't gonna like my shit.
80
00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:11,081
Oh, no, they will, they'll love it.
This is Derek.
81
00:03:11,201 --> 00:03:13,121
- Hello.
- This is Deon. He's a musician.
82
00:03:13,241 --> 00:03:15,601
_ at do you play? _
83
00:03:15,721 --> 00:03:18,161
Oh, my voice is my instrument.
84
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:19,401
I spit wires, innit?
85
00:03:19,521 --> 00:03:20,561
What?
86
00:03:20,681 --> 00:03:21,961
I rap.
87
00:03:22,081 --> 00:03:23,241
Will Smith.
88
00:03:24,401 --> 00:03:25,721
No, more like 2Pac.
89
00:03:25,841 --> 00:03:27,041
Two what?
90
00:03:27,161 --> 00:03:28,201
Pa c.
91
00:03:29,361 --> 00:03:31,281
Racist.
92
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,961
This is the worst gig ever, man.
Thing's like a nightmare, man.
93
00:03:38,081 --> 00:03:41,201
You just wait till you have to
change their bedpans!
94
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:42,921
Yeah.
95
00:03:43,041 --> 00:03:44,681
Don't throw away my tadpoles.
96
00:03:44,801 --> 00:03:47,281
- I'm going to show him round.
- Yeah, introduce him.
97
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,121
- Right.
- See you later.
98
00:03:50,961 --> 00:03:53,161
Joan, Prem...
99
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,441
- What is it, Deon?
- Deon, yeah.
100
00:03:56,561 --> 00:03:58,201
Yeah, he's fit, yeah!
101
00:03:58,321 --> 00:03:59,841
Yeah, I'd hit it.
102
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,361
Nothing serious - I don't want to
get married or nothing, but...
103
00:04:05,401 --> 00:04:07,401
Yeah, a black kid'd be nice, though.
104
00:04:07,521 --> 00:04:10,641
Especially as most of my family
have got ginger kids.
105
00:04:10,761 --> 00:04:13,241
Ain't got nothing against ginger people,
it's just...
106
00:04:13,361 --> 00:04:15,361
there is a lot of prejudice
against them in society,
107
00:04:15,481 --> 00:04:17,241
d'you know what I mean?
108
00:04:18,961 --> 00:04:20,801
You know, er...
109
00:04:20,921 --> 00:04:23,641
You know all this silliness about blacks
and whites being different and all that?
110
00:04:23,761 --> 00:04:25,001
Bullshit, innit?
111
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,321
I mean, we all create the same semen.
112
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,241
Yeah, that is true, technically.
113
00:04:32,361 --> 00:04:34,841
I produce a beaker-load a week, mate.
114
00:04:38,881 --> 00:04:40,841
Blacks and whites unite.
115
00:04:40,961 --> 00:04:42,161
Mm...
116
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,441
And Chinkies.
117
00:04:46,681 --> 00:04:48,201
This is where he is, look.
118
00:04:50,441 --> 00:04:53,001
- Douglas!
- What?
119
00:04:53,121 --> 00:04:56,841
Meet Deon. He's started work here -
community service work.
120
00:04:56,961 --> 00:04:59,241
This is Douglas.
He's the caretaker and he fixes stuff.
121
00:04:59,361 --> 00:05:03,041
- What are you fixing?
- DVD. DVD's got stuck.
122
00:05:03,161 --> 00:05:04,681
He does all that, don't ya?
123
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:06,081
- Do it all, yeah.
- What else do you do?
124
00:05:06,201 --> 00:05:08,321
- Whatever needs doing.
- Yeah.
125
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:10,681
It's my job description -
if it needs doing, do it.
126
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,561
You-you don't live in here, do you?
127
00:05:12,681 --> 00:05:15,761
I spend most of my time in here,
yeah, if I can. Why? What...?
128
00:05:15,881 --> 00:05:18,801
No, it's cool, man,
it's just...different world for me.
129
00:05:18,921 --> 00:05:21,361
I'm used to, like,
being on stages and that,
130
00:05:21,481 --> 00:05:23,281
you know, like,
doing my rap and all of that.
131
00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:25,281
Yeah, but that still doesn't get
the problems sorted in the world,
132
00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:26,641
does it, standing on stage?
133
00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:28,521
No, bruv,
you can change the world with lyrics.
134
00:05:28,641 --> 00:05:29,921
- No, you can't.
- No, you can, man.
135
00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:32,121
What-what song...?
What lyrics changed the world?
136
00:05:32,241 --> 00:05:34,681
- Do the lyrics. Do some lyrics.
- Er, all right...
137
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:37,161
The lesson is in session
You wanna do a white man's oppression?
138
00:05:37,281 --> 00:05:38,841
Click, click, bang! My suggestion...
139
00:05:38,961 --> 00:05:40,401
- What's all that about?
- No, not...
140
00:05:40,521 --> 00:05:42,161
I didn't even hear any of that. I don't
know what you were going on about.
141
00:05:42,281 --> 00:05:43,401
I was just, you know...
142
00:05:43,521 --> 00:05:44,921
Do you know Neil Diamond, lAm... lSa/d?
143
00:05:45,041 --> 00:05:46,401
He says there's too many singers,
don't you?
144
00:05:46,521 --> 00:05:49,241
- There's too many!
- Yeah, but, like, I'm not, like...
145
00:05:49,361 --> 00:05:51,881
- no-one else, d'you get me?
- Everybody says that, though.
146
00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:54,401
That's what everybody else says
on X Factor, Britain's Got Talent.
147
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:57,041
"I'm different." No, you're not-
you're the same as the other knobhead
148
00:05:57,161 --> 00:05:58,561
who was just on. Get a trade.
149
00:05:58,681 --> 00:06:04,281
Makes me laugh. They send them here
as punishment. Hilarious, innit?
150
00:06:04,401 --> 00:06:07,001
He does something wrong
and they send them here.
151
00:06:07,121 --> 00:06:09,841
What have I done?
I've been here ten years.
152
00:06:11,721 --> 00:06:13,001
Why are you here?
153
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,161
- Why d'you think?
- Dunno.
154
00:06:16,281 --> 00:06:20,321
It's cos of the racism
inherent in society, innit?
155
00:06:20,441 --> 00:06:22,601
Is it? No...
156
00:06:22,721 --> 00:06:24,081
What did you do?
157
00:06:25,201 --> 00:06:27,361
Police followed me
through a shopping centre
158
00:06:27,481 --> 00:06:29,601
and arrested me
for stealing some trainers.
159
00:06:30,801 --> 00:06:32,921
What, and you hadn't stolen
the trainers?
160
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:36,721
That's neither here nor there.
161
00:06:36,841 --> 00:06:39,081
If they weren't following me,
I wouldn't have been arrested, would I?
162
00:06:39,201 --> 00:06:40,521
No.
163
00:06:40,641 --> 00:06:42,521
But did you steal the trainers?
164
00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:46,761
They followed me,
assuming that I would steal something
165
00:06:46,881 --> 00:06:48,681
cos I was black.
166
00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:50,641
And then you stole the trainers?
167
00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:53,681
We all make mistakes.
168
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:55,761
You're nice, though, anyway.
169
00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:58,281
Yeah? How do you know that?
170
00:06:58,401 --> 00:07:00,401
I can tell.
171
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:03,601
Joan says sometimes
good people do bad things
172
00:07:03,721 --> 00:07:06,441
so give 'em a second chance.
173
00:07:06,561 --> 00:07:09,321
- Wait, who is Joan?
- Old lady what lived here.
174
00:07:10,961 --> 00:07:12,041
But she died.
175
00:07:14,321 --> 00:07:16,921
She was wise, cos she lived a long time
176
00:07:17,041 --> 00:07:19,601
so she knew lots of stuff,
and she told me it.
177
00:07:20,761 --> 00:07:22,801
And it upsets me
just thinking about her, cos I...
178
00:07:22,921 --> 00:07:24,361
I loved her so much.
179
00:07:29,441 --> 00:07:30,681
Sorry, bruv.
180
00:07:34,081 --> 00:07:36,161
I knew you was nice.
181
00:07:38,801 --> 00:07:41,561
- Curly.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm black.
182
00:07:41,681 --> 00:07:43,641
Whatever.
183
00:07:43,761 --> 00:07:44,721
I loves Deon.
184
00:07:44,841 --> 00:07:46,481
He's a rapper.
185
00:07:46,601 --> 00:07:48,841
Probably be on Top Of The Pops
or summat, you know?
186
00:07:48,961 --> 00:07:52,641
He made a mistake
where he took some trainers
187
00:07:52,761 --> 00:07:55,081
cos he didn't have any money
and he wanted 'em,
188
00:07:55,201 --> 00:07:58,041
like, £100 or summat,
but he won't do it again.
189
00:07:58,161 --> 00:08:00,001
I said, "D'you want my trainers?"
190
00:08:00,121 --> 00:08:02,041
He went, "Nah, you're all right, bruv."
191
00:08:02,161 --> 00:08:03,761
I likes the way he talks.
192
00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:09,001
When he's a pop star, he can have
all the trainers he wants anyway.
193
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:12,401
So, er...why are you in here, then?
194
00:08:12,521 --> 00:08:13,681
Nicked some shoes.
195
00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:15,041
" Shut up!
196
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,841
I nick shoes!
197
00:08:16,961 --> 00:08:20,641
- Well, no, I...I did nick shoes.
- Yeah?
198
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,201
Responsible now, yeah?
199
00:08:22,321 --> 00:08:25,121
Well...things to do.
200
00:08:25,241 --> 00:08:27,401
So, is that, like, your uniform, then?
201
00:08:27,521 --> 00:08:29,921
Er, yeah, keeps your clothes clean.
202
00:08:30,041 --> 00:08:33,521
No, it's cool, like, you know, you look...
kind of look like a nurse.
203
00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:36,121
But not...
Not NHS, you know what I'm saying?
204
00:08:36,241 --> 00:08:39,081
Like... Like BUPA,
d'you know what I mean?
205
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:43,641
Like, I picture you, like,
coming into, like, the plush room,
206
00:08:43,761 --> 00:08:45,521
grapes and that.
207
00:08:45,641 --> 00:08:47,841
Sky Sports...
208
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,121
- You get me?
- Yeah! Thanks.
209
00:08:51,561 --> 00:08:53,481
So, was you, like, in the riots and that?
210
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:57,001
I was masked up, you wouldn't...
you wouldn't recognise me,
211
00:08:57,121 --> 00:08:58,481
d'you know what I mean, but...
212
00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:00,081
He's nice, yeah, he's good.
213
00:09:00,201 --> 00:09:03,881
He's got a lot of front, but, you know,
he's about as gangster as Elmo. But...
214
00:09:04,921 --> 00:09:05,961
He's a good bloke.
215
00:09:06,081 --> 00:09:08,881
I mean, he might not let on
he's a good bloke, but he is.
216
00:09:09,001 --> 00:09:12,201
It's all right, man. I mean...
217
00:09:12,321 --> 00:09:16,161
I mean, one thing the camera
can't pick up is, like, the smell.
218
00:09:16,281 --> 00:09:18,281
It smells like Oxfam in there.
219
00:09:18,401 --> 00:09:19,401
Um...
220
00:09:19,521 --> 00:09:23,721
But, you know, it could be worse.
It could be prison, right?
221
00:09:23,841 --> 00:09:26,481
And, like, I've got none of that
physical threat here.
222
00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:29,561
I'm grateful for that. You know, like,
I could beat up anyone in here.
223
00:09:31,961 --> 00:09:34,961
I'm supposed to do, like,
a meet and greet, innit? So, greetings.
224
00:09:35,081 --> 00:09:37,881
Oh, well, it's lovely to see you.
I hope you're very happy here.
225
00:09:40,281 --> 00:09:42,641
Would you mind just going round and asking
everyone if they fancy a cup of tea,
226
00:09:42,761 --> 00:09:45,241
maybe having a bit of a chat
with one or two of them,
227
00:09:45,361 --> 00:09:46,481
just cos it would be nice?
228
00:09:46,601 --> 00:09:49,681
- What d'you mean, "chat", though?
- Well, like a bit of conversation.
229
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,921
Yeah, but I don't think I'm ready for...
230
00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:54,401
(floured boy.
231
00:09:54,521 --> 00:09:56,521
A lovely coloured boy.
232
00:10:01,641 --> 00:10:04,241
You all right, darling? How are you doing?
233
00:10:04,361 --> 00:10:06,521
Little coloured boy, yeah, lovely.
234
00:10:09,841 --> 00:10:10,881
You want a cup of tea?
235
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,081
Do I?
236
00:10:17,561 --> 00:10:19,921
Come on, Lizzie,
come and have a sit down.
237
00:10:21,081 --> 00:10:22,441
Fancy a cup of tea?
238
00:10:22,561 --> 00:10:26,001
- Yeah? Shall we get a chair, then?
- Yeah.
239
00:10:34,681 --> 00:10:37,161
...we got the...thing.
240
00:10:37,281 --> 00:10:38,601
Deon.
241
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,441
Hey, we're having a cabaret Saturday here
and I'm in charge of casting,
242
00:10:42,561 --> 00:10:43,721
so d'you want to be in Duran Duran?
243
00:10:43,841 --> 00:10:44,881
Derek...
- What?
244
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:48,881
There were no black people
in Duran Duran. Think.
245
00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:51,121
Well, d'you want to do your own rap
or summat?
246
00:10:51,241 --> 00:10:52,521
- I don't think so, bruv.
- No?
247
00:10:52,641 --> 00:10:55,281
- The offer's open.
- No, I don't think so.
248
00:10:55,401 --> 00:10:58,201
Yeah, I know there wasn't,
but we got wigs.
249
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,801
# Wild boys, wild boys... #
250
00:11:02,921 --> 00:11:04,801
Getting wigs and clothes and that
for Duran Duran.
251
00:11:04,921 --> 00:11:06,921
- On a mission, on a mission.
- Off the... Off the ladies.
252
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,881
That is john Taylor!
Is thatjohn Taylor or what?!
253
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:11,201
Can I borrow that?
254
00:11:11,321 --> 00:11:14,481
Yeah, be careful with it, though.
That's one of my best things.
255
00:11:14,601 --> 00:11:17,081
I'll have that as well...
if you don't mind.
256
00:11:17,201 --> 00:11:20,081
Same pout, same expression,
it's like Nick Rhodes' head on your desk!
257
00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:22,281
- We'll have that.
258
00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:24,881
- Get that.
- Knickers?
259
00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:26,761
# - ...Wild boys
- Wild boys!
260
00:11:26,881 --> 00:11:28,441
# Never lose it
261
00:11:28,561 --> 00:11:29,561
# - Wild boys
- Wild boys!
262
00:11:29,681 --> 00:11:32,561
# Never chose this way
263
00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:33,841
# Wild boys... #
264
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,801
D'you want to be, um...
Who's the drummer?
265
00:11:36,921 --> 00:11:38,361
Roger Taylor, mate!
266
00:11:38,481 --> 00:11:39,961
Yeah, d'you want to be Roger Taylor?
267
00:11:40,081 --> 00:11:42,081
- Who?
- Roger Taylor.
268
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,281
Who's he?
269
00:11:43,401 --> 00:11:46,281
The drummer, you just have to
sit behind the drums.
270
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:47,961
- Me? I don't do the drums.
- Yeah...
271
00:11:48,081 --> 00:11:49,561
No, no. No.
272
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:54,081
Just have to... You can be him, right?
273
00:11:54,201 --> 00:11:55,561
D'you want to be...? Um...
274
00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:58,001
- All right, whatever, whatever.
- Excellent.
275
00:11:58,121 --> 00:12:00,721
- This is easy. What are you?
-john Taylor, mate.
276
00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:02,121
I'm Duran Duran.
277
00:12:02,241 --> 00:12:03,921
You're not Duran Duran,
you're Simon Le Bon.
278
00:12:04,041 --> 00:12:05,201
Duran Duran's the band.
279
00:12:05,321 --> 00:12:06,601
Simon Le Bon.
280
00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:09,641
Right, we've cast them, now let's get...
Got to get more costumes.
281
00:12:10,761 --> 00:12:11,761
That's all right, innit?
282
00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,361
Who's he again?
283
00:12:13,481 --> 00:12:15,201
- This is embarrassing.
- Roger Taylor.
284
00:12:15,321 --> 00:12:18,481
Roger Ta... I'm actually going to
take my name off this production.
285
00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:20,841
Nick Rhodes, generally considered
286
00:12:20,961 --> 00:12:23,161
to be one of the world's
most beautiful men. Check that out.
287
00:12:24,281 --> 00:12:26,521
It's a chicken on a keyboard.
288
00:12:28,441 --> 00:12:29,841
What else do we need? Guitars.
289
00:12:31,441 --> 00:12:33,761
- I can't do it up.
- Don't worry about it.
290
00:12:33,881 --> 00:12:35,521
It won't make any difference.
291
00:12:35,641 --> 00:12:38,481
It won't make any difference.
Look at the fella on the keyboard.
292
00:12:39,521 --> 00:12:41,001
Well, we look a bit odd, don't we?
293
00:12:41,121 --> 00:12:43,401
just a little bit.
The thing is, it's not that odd, is it?
294
00:12:43,521 --> 00:12:45,681
The Rolling Stones are still touring.
295
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:49,801
# - ...Wild boys
- Wild boys!
296
00:12:49,921 --> 00:12:51,961
# Never losing
297
00:12:52,081 --> 00:12:53,281
# Wild boys... #
298
00:12:53,401 --> 00:12:55,401
You know what?
I'll be honest with you, yeah.
299
00:12:55,521 --> 00:13:00,721
Like, when I first walked in here,
it was nothing but, like, dread
300
00:13:00,841 --> 00:13:03,121
and concern, that I was actually
thinking, you know what,
301
00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:06,121
take me to flipping prison, bruv,
take me to prison, right?
302
00:13:06,241 --> 00:13:10,161
But, actually, now I'm thinking
that's a dumb thing because, like,
303
00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:13,121
my eyes have been opened to one or two
things that have made me think.
304
00:13:13,241 --> 00:13:15,041
D'you know what I'm saying? Like...
305
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:18,001
Like, for example, like,
I could roll back into the endz, right?
306
00:13:18,121 --> 00:13:20,321
I could roll back into the hood
with, like, Arthur, and say hello,
307
00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:21,441
people would be like,
308
00:13:21,561 --> 00:13:23,041
"Bruv, what happened to your clip?"
309
00:13:23,161 --> 00:13:24,441
D'you know what I'm saying?
310
00:13:24,561 --> 00:13:28,001
Like, what did...? "Why are you
rolling with roadkill?" or whatnot.
311
00:13:28,121 --> 00:13:29,801
And I'd be like, "Bruv, hold up, yeah?"
312
00:13:29,921 --> 00:13:32,161
Because, like, you man always talking
about, ah, man went through this
313
00:13:32,281 --> 00:13:33,321
man went through that,
314
00:13:33,441 --> 00:13:35,521
like, man took a scar,
man took a bullet for this, that,
315
00:13:35,641 --> 00:13:38,281
and I thought, bruv, hold up,
both of these two, like,
316
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,121
they've been in an actual war.
317
00:13:40,241 --> 00:13:43,961
Like, not a rap lyric war, bruv,
not a couplet about, like, some shit
318
00:13:44,081 --> 00:13:46,201
you went through outside Chicken George.
319
00:13:46,321 --> 00:13:48,681
I'm talking about, like,
straight up and down,
320
00:13:48,801 --> 00:13:51,361
like, man fought for man's freedom.
321
00:13:51,481 --> 00:13:54,001
D 'you know what I'm saying?
322
00:13:54,121 --> 00:13:56,681
Right, if wasn't for them, would you
even be here, wearing them trainers,
323
00:13:56,801 --> 00:13:58,961
sitting on that wall, talking some fraff
324
00:13:59,081 --> 00:14:01,241
that you're talking right now?
Probably not.
325
00:14:01,361 --> 00:14:02,561
D 'you know what I'm saying?
326
00:14:21,241 --> 00:14:22,961
I can feel the tension in the air
in that room.
327
00:14:23,081 --> 00:14:24,481
Yeah.
328
00:14:24,601 --> 00:14:25,961
How many of them have you had?
329
00:14:26,081 --> 00:14:27,921
Trying to curb the high, mate.
330
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:30,321
Gotta stay relaxed.
Don't want 'em smelling my fear.
331
00:14:30,441 --> 00:14:32,961
- Smelling your fear?
- Yeah.
332
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,841
Over your breath?
Having a laugh, aren't ya?
333
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,321
Buh-buh-buhh
buh-buh.
334
00:14:36,441 --> 00:14:37,801
Show time. I'm going to...
335
00:14:37,921 --> 00:14:41,081
He's going to introduce me,
I'm doing my ven...tribolism. Ventri...
336
00:14:41,201 --> 00:14:43,361
- Tricopismmlism.
- Trinspolis-is-ism.
337
00:14:43,481 --> 00:14:45,641
- Trin-trickercism.
Jesus!
338
00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:49,201
- Show time, mate. Show time.
- Yeah.
339
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,721
- All right?
340
00:14:53,681 --> 00:14:55,601
- Good evening...
Good evening.
341
00:14:55,721 --> 00:14:57,241
...Broad Hill nursing home,
thanks for coming.
342
00:14:57,361 --> 00:15:00,201
Thanks for coming? As if they've got
any choice in the matter.
343
00:15:00,321 --> 00:15:01,561
They're not going anywhere.
344
00:15:01,681 --> 00:15:02,881
Up for some fun?
345
00:15:03,001 --> 00:15:04,841
Yeah, set the roof off the place, yes?
346
00:15:04,961 --> 00:15:06,121
Yes.
- Yeah?
347
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:09,121
OK, what we've got coming up,
I'm going to do some jokes,
348
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,481
then we've got Derek and Poppy
349
00:15:10,601 --> 00:15:13,401
and then, er...
Joe's going to do some stuff.
350
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:16,441
We're going to be doing
a Duran Duran thing,
351
00:15:16,561 --> 00:15:18,761
I wrote it in the late '90s, little play.
352
00:15:18,881 --> 00:15:20,961
- Excited?
Yes!
353
00:15:21,081 --> 00:15:22,641
- Do you want a joke?
Yes.
354
00:15:22,761 --> 00:15:23,841
Yeah.
355
00:15:23,961 --> 00:15:26,521
- What's got two legs and bleeds?
Don't know.
356
00:15:26,641 --> 00:15:27,921
Half a dog.
357
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:30,561
And again.
358
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:33,121
All right, now for the first act
of the evening,
359
00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:35,881
I didn't want him to do it,
he can't do it, he's rubbish at it,
360
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,561
but don't take my word for it,
361
00:15:37,681 --> 00:15:40,441
ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage,
362
00:15:40,561 --> 00:15:42,641
Derek and Poppy.
363
00:15:45,641 --> 00:15:48,121
- Yeah!
Whoo!
364
00:15:50,161 --> 00:15:53,161
- He's just using it as a glove.
365
00:15:55,161 --> 00:15:57,361
This is Poppy, Derek.
366
00:15:57,481 --> 00:15:59,361
- Jesus Christ.
- Ven...
367
00:15:59,481 --> 00:16:01,041
Bit of ventri...
Tricolism.
368
00:16:02,521 --> 00:16:06,281
Hello, Poppy. Hello, Derek.
What have you been doing?
369
00:16:06,401 --> 00:16:07,921
I've been eating a carrot, or summat.
370
00:16:08,041 --> 00:16:08,961
No voice?
371
00:16:09,081 --> 00:16:10,761
- What?
- No voice.
372
00:16:10,881 --> 00:16:12,041
Listen...
373
00:16:14,761 --> 00:16:17,041
What else you been eating?
Another carrot.
374
00:16:18,161 --> 00:16:20,601
Where you been eating them?
just in the hutch...in the garden.
375
00:16:20,721 --> 00:16:22,841
One of the worst stories I've ever heard.
376
00:16:22,961 --> 00:16:24,001
I haven't finished.
377
00:16:24,121 --> 00:16:25,521
Right, and then what happened?
378
00:16:25,641 --> 00:16:28,321
I just had a poo and that.
Like, little nugget poos comes out.
379
00:16:28,441 --> 00:16:29,841
This is crap.
380
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:33,241
Who likes impressions?
381
00:16:33,361 --> 00:16:35,081
Yes.
- Dying on his arse.
382
00:16:35,201 --> 00:16:36,921
What's this?
383
00:16:37,041 --> 00:16:39,681
I will exterminate you.
384
00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:41,961
Dalek.
385
00:16:42,081 --> 00:16:43,441
Stephen Hawking.
386
00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:46,721
Yeah.
387
00:16:46,841 --> 00:16:48,961
Everybody knows Stephen Hawking
ain't a Dalek, Dougie.
388
00:16:49,081 --> 00:16:49,881
Not now.
389
00:16:50,001 --> 00:16:51,001
- What?
- Not now.
390
00:16:52,521 --> 00:16:53,801
That's it for now.
391
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:04,601
Let's hear it for Poppy. Awful, everybody.
392
00:17:04,721 --> 00:17:07,361
Right, welcome to the stage, Joe.
393
00:17:07,481 --> 00:17:10,881
And then we've got
Boys On Film, I wrote it.
394
00:17:16,641 --> 00:17:20,241
# You must have been a beautiful baby
395
00:17:20,361 --> 00:17:24,121
# You must have been
a wonderful child... #
396
00:17:25,401 --> 00:17:28,201
# ...When you were only starting
to go to kindergarten... #
397
00:17:28,321 --> 00:17:30,281
We've got to get changed. Quick.
398
00:17:30,401 --> 00:17:32,401
# ...I bet you drove
the other kids wild... #
399
00:17:32,521 --> 00:17:33,801
Duran Duran now.
400
00:17:33,921 --> 00:17:34,961
Derek...
401
00:17:35,081 --> 00:17:36,561
- What?
- I can't do this.
402
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,881
- Why not?
- I don't feel very well.
403
00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:42,321
He doesn't feel very well. Oh, God.
Dougie, he doesn't feel very well.
404
00:17:42,441 --> 00:17:45,081
- Do you not?
- No, so you'll have to do it.
405
00:17:45,201 --> 00:17:46,561
- I'm not doing it.
- Please.
406
00:17:46,681 --> 00:17:48,041
- I'm not doing it.
- Come on, quick, please.
407
00:17:48,161 --> 00:17:49,201
It's nothing to do with me, this.
408
00:17:49,321 --> 00:17:50,881
- We've gotta go on...
- I built the set.
409
00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:52,841
- No, I'm not doing it, it's not for me.
410
00:17:52,961 --> 00:17:53,881
Please...
411
00:17:54,001 --> 00:17:55,641
Why's it always me that's brought in
to this to sort shit out?
412
00:17:55,761 --> 00:17:57,201
- I had nothing to do with this.
- Please.
413
00:18:02,921 --> 00:18:04,281
I used to think I was quite cool.
414
00:18:04,401 --> 00:18:07,721
I can't be, can I?
This is me life, these are me mates.
415
00:18:09,241 --> 00:18:12,241
I used to think they're the daft ones,
but I'm the daft one.
416
00:18:12,361 --> 00:18:14,761
I'm the daft one here, cos they
come up with all these daft ideas
417
00:18:14,881 --> 00:18:17,001
and it's me who gets dragged in,
every time.
418
00:18:17,121 --> 00:18:20,361
It's me on the end of it...
sorting out shit all the time.
419
00:18:20,481 --> 00:18:22,081
It's me on the M25 in a broken-down van
420
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,361
full of old people with wind problems
after having a bad curry.
421
00:18:25,481 --> 00:18:28,481
It's me sticking me hand down a U-bend,
getting out an old pair of tights.
422
00:18:28,601 --> 00:18:30,081
It's me feeling sick
423
00:18:30,201 --> 00:18:33,441
because I've been breathing in turps
all day rubbing off "twat" off a crab.
424
00:18:36,201 --> 00:18:38,361
You've never heard that sentence before,
have you?
425
00:18:38,481 --> 00:18:40,081
Please welcome Duran Duran.
426
00:18:51,761 --> 00:18:54,481
This is the Duran Duran...
- Did you see Dougie?
427
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,081
...play, innit?
- Oh, no!
428
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:59,441
It's... Um... This is when they started
and how they met and that,
429
00:18:59,561 --> 00:19:00,601
- and this is, like, a true story, innit?
Yeah.
430
00:19:00,721 --> 00:19:01,801
And then we've got some songs
what they did.
431
00:19:01,921 --> 00:19:03,841
- Yeah.
- And they did it for real.
432
00:19:03,961 --> 00:19:06,361
It wasn't in an old people's home
where they met,
433
00:19:06,481 --> 00:19:08,441
so just pretend this is Birmingham.
434
00:19:08,561 --> 00:19:10,761
It was olden days, like, 1780.
435
00:19:10,881 --> 00:19:11,961
- No, not 1780.
- What was it?
436
00:19:12,081 --> 00:19:13,001
1980.
437
00:19:13,121 --> 00:19:15,681
1980. Right, this is how we met.
438
00:19:15,801 --> 00:19:16,881
Hello.
439
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:18,721
Hello.
- And I'm Duran Duran.
440
00:19:18,841 --> 00:19:20,961
No, you're not Duran Duran.
Duran Duran is the name of the band.
441
00:19:21,081 --> 00:19:22,401
Yes, right...
442
00:19:22,521 --> 00:19:23,481
- You're Simon Le Bon.
- Yeah.
443
00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:25,081
Hello, I'm Simon Le Bon.
Do you wanna start a band?
444
00:19:25,201 --> 00:19:26,401
- Yes.
- Duran Duran, probably.
445
00:19:26,521 --> 00:19:27,841
- As soon as.
- OK.
446
00:19:27,961 --> 00:19:29,121
- Cup of tea?
- Oh, thank you.
447
00:19:29,241 --> 00:19:31,081
What the fuck is going on?
448
00:19:31,201 --> 00:19:32,721
Have you got any biscuits?
449
00:19:32,841 --> 00:19:34,921
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, bring some biscuits.
450
00:19:59,841 --> 00:20:02,321
- Sing it, sing the lyrics.
- I don't know the lyrics.
451
00:20:02,441 --> 00:20:05,241
- It's not a ghost!
452
00:20:05,361 --> 00:20:07,441
- The lyrics.
- I don't know them.
453
00:20:07,561 --> 00:20:10,121
Well, why didn't you read the script,
you prat?
454
00:20:10,241 --> 00:20:11,721
Sing it!
455
00:20:19,041 --> 00:20:20,761
And that was Duran Duran.
456
00:20:20,881 --> 00:20:22,121
Embarrassing.
457
00:20:22,241 --> 00:20:24,721
Thank you. We nailed it.
458
00:20:24,841 --> 00:20:27,441
There is nothing funny
about Duran Duran, Derek.
459
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:29,961
- They're laughing at us.
- Don't mind why they're laughing.
460
00:20:34,081 --> 00:20:36,441
More! More!
461
00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:38,881
I never minds
when old people are laughing,
462
00:20:39,001 --> 00:20:40,841
just as long as they are laughing.
463
00:20:42,001 --> 00:20:44,641
It makes me laugh. Makes me happy.
464
00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:48,121
Even if they're laughing
at summat what I've done,
465
00:20:48,241 --> 00:20:50,601
like, sat in some rhubarb crumble,
do you remember that?
466
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,081
I likes them being happy.
467
00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:58,401
They ain't got long, so...
468
00:20:58,521 --> 00:21:03,121
every...every minute is important.
469
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:07,081
I just wants them
to be happy all the time.
470
00:21:08,841 --> 00:21:10,401
Do you think I could go on
Britain's Got Talent?
471
00:21:10,521 --> 00:21:11,681
Oh, I don't see why not, yeah.
472
00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:13,881
- Deon, hello.
- Hiya.
473
00:21:14,001 --> 00:21:16,241
- Did I miss the show?
- Yeah, yeah.
474
00:21:16,361 --> 00:21:18,041
We did Duran Duran and everything.
475
00:21:18,161 --> 00:21:20,001
- It was incredible.
- Yeah, yeah.
476
00:21:20,121 --> 00:21:23,041
- You don't still want me to perform?
- Yeah. You got a song?
477
00:21:23,161 --> 00:21:25,321
- Yeah, I can...
- Yeah, definitely.
478
00:21:25,441 --> 00:21:27,241
Oh, cool.
479
00:21:27,361 --> 00:21:29,161
Everybody,
Deon's going to sing a song for us now.
480
00:21:33,641 --> 00:21:37,161
All right, yeah, just a little something
I wrote for you lot, yeah.
481
00:21:37,281 --> 00:21:40,761
All right, this is going out
to all of you, yeah?
482
00:21:40,881 --> 00:21:42,521
Arthur, my 0G...
483
00:21:42,641 --> 00:21:45,081
Yeah? Say, though,
stay awake for this one, yeah?
484
00:21:45,201 --> 00:21:47,561
All right, this is how it's going to go.
Check this out.
485
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,161
Yo
486
00:21:49,281 --> 00:21:51,321
My first thoughts when
I stepped through those doors was...
487
00:21:51,441 --> 00:21:54,361
"Great
I always wanted to work next to a corpse"
488
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:57,481
Like, if you ever said
"Go hang with some old gran"
489
00:21:57,601 --> 00:22:00,601
I'd say, "No, thanks
I don't even like my own nan"
490
00:22:00,721 --> 00:22:03,161
I just figured these lot
have piddled in their seats
491
00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:06,441
That they all love Richard Keys
and they're riddled with disease
492
00:22:06,561 --> 00:22:08,801
So quiet that they sound dead
493
00:22:08,921 --> 00:22:12,081
I mean, how much care's taken
by that caretaker with the round head?
494
00:22:12,201 --> 00:22:14,721
Like, if you choked on a letter
from your Scrabble set
495
00:22:14,841 --> 00:22:17,121
He might save you
if he's like, "Wait, is that an X?"
496
00:22:17,241 --> 00:22:20,521
That's why I give a bit of credit
to the little fella, Derek
497
00:22:20,641 --> 00:22:22,681
Cos he showed me oldies got a lot of merit
498
00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:26,081
And that they ain't all heirlooms
and bare gloom
499
00:22:26,201 --> 00:22:29,521
And trouser smells
that linger in your spare room
500
00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:32,401
Doing my time in this place
I thought I'd hate it, but now I'm here
501
00:22:32,521 --> 00:22:34,921
You know what? Still hate it
502
00:22:35,041 --> 00:22:38,801
But I made it, and...
Hey, with the greatest respect to the aged
503
00:22:38,921 --> 00:22:41,721
I came from a place
with no thoughts of ageing
504
00:22:41,841 --> 00:22:44,361
Where life is a game
with a makeshift playlist
505
00:22:44,481 --> 00:22:46,201
That plays all the same shit
506
00:22:46,321 --> 00:22:48,801
So what I'm saying is, it's an eye-opener
507
00:22:48,921 --> 00:22:51,681
Meeting you
Even the one who's a bit of thigh-stroker
508
00:22:51,801 --> 00:22:55,761
So now I hope to
take a long look at myself
509
00:22:55,881 --> 00:22:58,001
But, bruv, this ain't like Oprah
510
00:22:58,121 --> 00:23:00,001
I ain't gonna startjumping on my sofa
511
00:23:00,121 --> 00:23:03,241
I'm just saying I might look my life over
512
00:23:03,361 --> 00:23:06,641
Now, I normally bump fists
But let's shake hands
513
00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:09,601
I ain't a changed man
I just wanna say thanks.
514
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:12,361
It was nice to meet you lot, yeah?
515
00:23:14,601 --> 00:23:15,961
Thank you.
516
00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:25,481
You're brilliant.
517
00:23:25,601 --> 00:23:26,841
No, you're brilliant, bruv.
40490
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