All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s03e02.eng

♪ When I was small
I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up
and did it again ♪

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it
till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my
Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show,
let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman,
Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey,
Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Presenter:
Have you recently been outed as a sex pest?

Would you like to pretend
your disgusting behavior

is the result of an illness,

rather than you just
being a total shit?

Then why not check into
the Some Sort of Therapy Centre?

The Some Sort of Therapy Centre
is Europe's leading facility

for everyone from
shamed Hollywood producers

to shamed Hollywood
actor/producers.

Our team of
presumably therapists

is here to help you
tell the world,

"It's OK.
I'm dealing with this myself.

No need for the police."

It's the perfect place
to relax, unwind,

and avoid facing the
consequences of your actions.

Our range of treatments includes

counseling,
or something like that,

meditation, probably,

and generally keeping
a low profile

till the heat's off.

But don't take my word for it.

Here's just one of our
self-satisfied customers.

Before I came here,

everyone was calling me
a sex criminal,

which seemed wrong to me
somehow.

But the Some Sort
of Therapy Centre

made me realize that
I'm actually a sex addict,

which means I bear
no responsibility

for all the horrible things
I've done.

So come to the Some Sort
of Therapy Centre

and take the first step
to a new you--

who's exactly the same
as the old you,

but hopefully not facing prison.

( birds chirping )

Hey, kids.
Turn that frown upside-down.

Your daddy'll be home
any minute now.

♪ Who's the leader of the gang
that's made for you and me? ♪

♪ R-U-P-E-R-T ♪

♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪

( laughing ) Yay!
It's Rupert Mouse!

- Yay.
- Yay.

Just back from Disney HQ,
kids.

It's like a home from home.
They got a Goofy there, too.

- ( laughs )
- Rupert: And a Dopey.

( laughs )

Not forgetting a Beauty.

Does that make you the Beast?

Only in the bedroom.

( both laughing )

Mmm.

So, how was your meeting
with the Mouse?

Well, turns out
it's not an actual mouse.

Just some guys in suits,

but I reckon
we can do business.

- Please don't sell Fox to them.
- Yeah, it's not fair!

I could sell it
to SpongeBob Squarepants if I wanted to...

if I could only
get hold of his people.

We're Murdochs!
We don't sell, we buy!

Not anymore.
You've gotta face facts.

Compared to the likes
of Google,

Fox is a Mickey Mouse
operation.

So now it is gonna be
a Mickey Mouse operation!

Besides,
it was Jerry's idea.

- Both: What?
- Jerry: Well, kids,

Disney is our retirement plan.

And what better place
to live happily ever after

than Disneyland?

Ride after ride,
up and down,

screaming your heart out...

and then we'll do
the rollercoasters.

- Ha!
- Please, Dad, don't do it!

You kids are gonna
have to learn

to stand on
your own two feet.

Your step-mother's right.

When I started out,
all I owned was one lousy newspaper,

and I built an empire
out of hard work

and being a bastard.

So I'm doing you a favor, kids.

When I check out,
just leaving you this.

One lousy newspaper company?

No, just this
actual newspaper.

Just give me
one more chance.

What do you say,
Pinocchio?

Shall we give the most shit

of the two useless shits

another chance?

Yes, Jiminy!
That's a great idea!

Woooop!

- ( laughs )
- Oh, Rupert!

You're almost as talented
an actor as I am!

- Hard luck, bro.
- He said you were a useless shit too!

He said you were
the most shit!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Boys!

Stop fighting.

I'll get you both a job
at Disney.

- Seriously?
- Really?

Yeah, Disneyland Paris.

They could use
a couple of Dumbos.

Right, you.
Let's get you upstairs.

I've got a use for
a pair of Minnie Mouse ears

that Walt would not approve of.

- Hello, are you black?
- Poor?

- From the north?
- Or preferably all three?

Then we at the Oxbridge
Admissions Committee

want to hear from you.

For centuries, Oxford
and Cambridge Universities

have educated only
the richest, whitest,

most already educated students.

But we don't want
to do that anymore.

Well, we do want to,
but apparently, it looks bad.

So if you think Eaton is
a character from "Hollyoaks"...

Or "nanny" is a type
of crystal meth...

Then pick up
an application form

from your local branch
of Lidl.

What is Lidl?

And remember,

you don't have to get
five A stars at A level

to get into Oxbridge.

For example,

this helpfully ethnic
young lady got in

with just three A's
and a Nobel Peace Prize.

So if you're a normie,
apply today.

And why not tell
all your friends to apply as well?

Steady on. I mean,
we only need one or two.

The Paradise Papers
have revealed

that about £10 million
of the Queen's own money

was invested in
an offshore tax haven.

What are you doing, Mum?

Surely it's all your own money.

Her Majesty's Revenue
and Customs.

You're only hurting yourself.

( German accent )
I'm using Bookshelf Beige on your cheeks,

mein Chancellorette--
it goes with your eyes.

( German accent )
Remind me again who this meeting is with today.

I quite forgot.

Use the other one.
It's got Alpine Bells on.

All right, I know
it is Emmanuel Macron,

but it is not as if
I have been counting the days and minutten.

I know what you're like
when you're around him.

Don't be taken in
by his saucy Gallic charm.

Oh, Birgit, I know
the difference between realpolitik

and what a lady leader
thinks about in the bath.

Don't worry, I will be
zwei hundred percent professional.

- Emmanuel.
- ( French accent )Angela.

- May I?
- Ja.

Hmm.

Please.

Are you wearing
Bookshelf Beige?

Oh, you noticed!
( giggles )

Ahem!

Now, on the agenda,

we must talk about
the Brexit fallout.

Let's start with finance.

We want London City jobs
to move to Paris.

Ahh. Paris!

Oooh.

Then you should have them,
naturally--

- Ahem!
- What?

Moving on to
the British tech sector--

We want those jobs in Germany.

Naturellement,
but if someone were to say

that France could have
those tech jobs,

then that person
would be the most generous...

as well as the most...
attractive leader...

the world has known.

You know what? Hmm!

I think that is good, ja...
( giggles )

ja, that France
should have the tech...

- the flourishing tech--
- Mein Chancellorette.

I need you
for a moment.

I'm busy.

There is a sudden crisis
in the bratwurst industry.

What?

There is a problem
with track three

on the new Kraftwerk album.

Ohh.

Your lipstick is smudged.

Ooh! Ohh.
( muttering )

Oh! How could you
let that happen?

There is no smudge.

But you are letting Macron
run in the circles around you.

No, I am just throwing him
some trinkets,

then I will start
the demands.

Hard demands.

You are the sexbomb, not him.

You have the power.

You are right.

Ohh, what was I thinking?

You must think me
a fool.

I am not taken in
by your manly wiling.

Now, we want 70%
of the bank jobs,

and we want 80%
of the tech jobs.

- So, it's to be like this.
- Yes.

I thought we had
something special.

Nein.

How could I think
that I could best you?

Your intellect is matched
only by your sensuality.

I will reflect on
how foolish I have been

to underestimate such
an exceptional woman

as I walk the grounds
of this conference center alone tonight...

naked from the waist up...

oiled, beads of perspiration

dripping from
every part of my torso.

Ooh...

Ohh.

You can have the jobs.

OK. We are done.
Back to Paris.

Oh, scheisse.

( Russian accent )
Hello from Moscow,

where it is
a scorching 14 degrees.

On behalf of our glorious leader
Vladimir Putin,

we welcome all fans
to Russia World Cup

which we won in fair
and not fixy fixy vote.

Russia invite all fans
to our open and loving country.

But there are few small things
to remember.

First, don't be a gay.

There are no gay people
in Russia.

Whole country
100% certified hetero!

But if you are gay,
and want gay beaten out of you,

that is service we offer.

Next, please respect
our cultural norms

and don't be not white.

If you're not white,

of course, you're welcome
in our country,

but please hide whole time
in hotel under bed.

Trust me, it's for best.

Finally, for any England fan
who is white and not gay,

enjoy tournament
free from discrimination--

we treat you just like
everyone else.

Thank you for attention,

and we look forward very much
to see you at next World Cup

in country even more welcoming
to everyone--

Qatar.

Mark Rylance.

Oh, no, no, no,
please, please,

don't notice me,
I'm just a man,

I'm nothing special.

Mark, it's me, Dame Judi.

Oh, my word!

What an honor!
Oh, I admire your work so much.

The wonderful stories
you tell!

No time for that.
I'm here because you, like me,

have become something
of a national treasure.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

Don't be afraid.
It offers opportunities.

Come with me.

- You see that bus shelter?
- Oh, yes.

I want you to
throw this trainer on top of it.

Why?

Just do it.

And, action!

Excuse me, sir.
Did you just throw a shoe on--

It's you, isn't it?

You starred in "Dunkirk."

The brave soldiers
and the fishermen were the real stars.

It's you.

I love that film.

You couldn't have
thrown a shoe, right?

You're a national treasure.

Wh-What's this feeling?

It's the thrill
of getting away with it.

And now that you're
a national treasure,

you can get away
with anything.

Oh... ( laughs )

Yes.

( cackling )

Oh, Dame Judi,

what a gift.

Why share it with me?

Well, I'm not
getting any younger.

Time to pass on the baton.

It would have been
Bradley Wiggins.

- Anyway...
- I thank you for this wonderful gift.

All right, dear,
we're not at the BAFTAs now.

And if you ever
need more tutelage,

you know where to find me.

Oh, stolen my handbag.
Come back!

Sam Mendes gave me that bag!

Oh, sod it!

( laughing )

I'm Mark Rylance,

and I'm king of the world!

Oh, my goodness.
What have I done?

Every day, millions of men
around the world

are enjoying things
full of men.

But we can make it stop.

This is an appeal on behalf
of Feminists Who Ruin Things Men Used to Like.

Your donations to FWRTMUTL

have already funded
"Ocean's Eight,"

a summer blockbuster
that ruins the franchise

by stuffing it full of women.

Your previous help
made possible

a female Dr. Who

and a "Ghostbusters" remake
totally riddled with wombs.

We've done so much already,

but there are still
many things out there that men love

that women have yet to ruin.

We need your help
to push our "vagenda."

Just £10 a month
could buy us

a female James Bond.

£15 could give the world

a female England
football manager.

And £20 could help
our important research

into creating
a viable female Ross Kemp.

So please give what you can,
because with your help,

women can ruin everything
for men...

except them getting paid more.

That's proven impossible.

Giddyup, filly!

Over the fence. Bump!

Over, luv-guv! Aah!

And if you make it
over the bank,

you're gonna win the New Codham!
Whoo!

- ( phone ringing )
- Camilla here.

Hello, sexy bum.

No, not home for bally ages.

Now that Philip's retired
and Kate's knocked up again,

I seem to be taking up
all the slack.

I know, not an hour goes by

when I'm not opening a tiny pair
of velvet curtains

or shaking hands
with a snotty toddler.

Look, I must go.

I've got to canter
to the chemist's

for mops and pops.

( tires screech )

Hello, right.

My father-in-law
is always forgetting to take his pills.

I need one
of those little boxes

marked with
the days of the week.

- Yes, of course.
- And I've arranged

a 21-gun salute to remind him
when it's time.

- ( phone rings )
- Oh.

Hello? Yeah.

No, you've already had
your banquet.

Don't you remember?
Twelve courses.

Yes, I'll be back soon.

No, I won't forget
your Sudoku.

Sudoku.

Sudoku!

Keeps his brain active,
you know?

Now, what else do I need?

Oh, yes, the mother-in-law
keeps losing her crown.

Hmm. Sometimes she says,
"Where have I put my crown?"

and I say, "It's on your head."

And other times she'll
leave it somewhere bonkers,

like the fridge

or Canada.

So have you got
one of those strings

so she can keep it
round her neck?

Yes, they come
in red or blue.

Have you got anything
more crown-jewely or precious-gemmy than that?

I'm afraid not.

She should retire too,

but she won't hear of it.

She's showing her age.

She wanders into a part
the Commonwealth

and says, "What did I
come here for?"

- Do they live with you?
- Oh, God, no.

They live in one of those places

where you just pull a cord
and someone comes to help.

- A care home?
- A palace.

Right, must dash.

I'm taking them
to a daycare center

where they can meet
other elderly monarchs.

- ( phone rings )
- Oh! Good God.

No peace for the wicked,
it's the mother-in-law now.

Hello?

Have you looked on your head?

On your head.

On. Your. Head!

Announcer:
Coming soon to BBC One.

If you're sick of football,

here's another
documentary series

where a random celebrity

goes round looking at stuff

that hasn't already
been looked at

by some other random celebrity.

I'm Julie Walters,

and over the next six weeks
I'm going to be traveling

the length and breadth
of the country

to discover
Britain's Favourite Fatberg.

Basildon must be really proud
of this fatberg, Terry.

I thought the Aberdeen fatberg
was special.

This one is a cracker!

What a terrific fatberg.

- What's it made of?
- Baby wipes, mainly,

and oil from takeaways.

And what is that
I can smell?

That would be shit.

Right.

Court of Appeal in session,

this is Case #314,

TFL and the Mayor of London
versus Uber, Incorporated.

This is further
to the earlier ruling

terminating Uber's license
to operate in London.

Ms. Parker, I believe
you are representing Uber.

- That's correct, my Lord.
- Very good.

Would you like
to present your first witness?

Yes, my Lord.

My first witness is...

Hassan, in a silver Prius,

who'll be here
in four minutes.

Oh, no. Seven minutes.

Oh. Eight.

No, he's given up.

It will be now be Alexi
in a black Mégane

in three minutes.

Uh, no, he's gone
to surge pricing.

It's not worth it.
Cancel. Cancel.

Locating. Locating...

- Ms. Parker--
- Ramone in a Ford Galaxy,

one minute away, my Lord.

He's at the end of the road.

He's--

What are you doing?

He's spinning.
Why area you spinning?

( sighs ) He's gone.

The case rests, my Lord.

Well, can we hear
from the mayor?

On his way, my Lord,

but he's in a black cab
and it won't go south of the river.

Any joy with Ramone?

Now more on the images
of a bullying incident in Leicester.

This mobile phone footage
appears to show

a group of young people
victimizing an elderly man.

I'm joined now by
Chief Inspector Wendy McKai.

- It's a tough watch, isn't it?
- Absolutely.

I mean, this footage is
nothing short of appalling.

You have to wonder at
the mentality of these people.

If you're going to film
an abusive incident,

why on earth would you
do it in portrait mode?

Yeah, because TV is broadcast
in landscape format,

and if you film something
in portrait,

it takes up, what,
a third of the screen?

Which means that
we have to then

put the blurry stuff
either side.

You know that,
I know that,

the vast majority
of decent people know that.

But unfortunately,
there are some people

who are just profoundly ignorant
of the correct aspect ratio.

Is there anything
that can be done about this disturbing trend?

The temptation is to
write these people off,

but I really believe
that with the right sort of support,

they can quite literally...
turn their lives around.

Thank you, Chief Inspector.

Oh, um,
and the actual incident itself?

Oh, right, yeah. Dreadful.

But then the whole world's
gone to shit, hasn't it?

So, anyway, thank you
for agreeing to meet me, Mr. Rees-Mogg.

Oh, you're entirely welcome.

I represent a patriotic
pressure group

based in the Cayman Islands.

How interesting.

I find it so useful

to engage with ordinary
members of the public.

Common hedge fund manager
in the street.

Let me tell you then
that my vision for Brexit

is to create a Britain
that is truly self-reliant.

- Nanny?
- Sorry, Mr. Rees-Mogg.

I was just polishing
the headlights on the Daimler.

Free from the tyranny
of Brussels,

we will finally have
the opportunity

to do things
for ourselves.

Mmm.

And do you trust

our current prime minister
to deliver?

Oh, I have a great deal
of respect for Mrs. May.

What you talkin' about?
You can't stand her!

"About as much use
as a Latin dictionary in a state school,"

is what you always say.

The PM and I have
our differences,

but we are both sensible,
grown-up politicians.

Broccoli. Yuck!

Gotta have your greens,
Mr. Rees-Mogg.

Do the noise.

Zhooo, chugga, chugga,
chugga, chugga, chugga!

Oh.

Have you thought about
running for leadership?

Oh! The idea
is utterly fanciful.

It's not something
I've considered for a single moment.

You little fibber!

You never talk about
anything else!

- But Nanny...
- You had all those business cards made up.

"Jacob Rees-Mogg,
Prime Minister."

Nanny, please.

He's always wanted
to be prime minister has Mr. Rees-Mogg.

When he was 13,
he made me dress his Action Man up as Harold MacMillan.

Nanny, really!

Will you cease
these interjections?!

I can manage perfectly well
without your interfer--

Oh! Uh, I, uh,

uh, uh, oh, erp, oh...

( burps )

Ah.

Thank you, Nanny.

It was making me
rather irritable.

You're just overtired.
It's very near nap time.

Quite right.
Will you excuse me?

Oh! How intensely
embarrassing!

Nanny, you've forgotten
to put any trousers on me.

You must be mortified.

Don't worry, I always
carry a spare pair.

Now let's pop to the loo.
Let's hope they've got a changing mat.

( laughing )

I just thought
I could smell something,

so I thought it was best
to just call the council.

Yeah. No, you were right
to call.

It's definitely
an infestation.

Oh, no! What is it?
Rats? Termites?

Worse. Hipsters.

Looks like they've
found their way into next door.

Is that what
I could smell?

Yeah, beard oil.

I'm surprised
you didn't hear them,

sanding the floorboards

and discussing
Wes Anderson films.

See, I thought
I heard something,

but I didn't see anything.

No, well, you wouldn't.

They're mostly out
during the day,

hanging around coffee shops
that used to be ironmongers

or playing ping-pong ironically.

How do they get in?

They just follow
the cycle routes

until they hit
somewhere unfashionable.

- Can you get rid of 'em?
- Well, it's tricky.

We used to smoke 'em out,

but now they think we're vaping

and you just attract
more of them.

Can't you put some poison down
or something?

Not strictly legal, sadly.

What we can do
is put a bit of bait down,

some old vinyl
or an artisan Scotch egg.

That draws 'em out,
and then we trap 'em

and release them
in Shoreditch or somewhere.

'Cause if you leave 'em,
they'll just start breeding,

and then house prices
are affected.

Will the value go down?

No, up, weirdly.

No one knows why,
'cause hipsters are bloody awful.

But mark my words,
left unchecked

they'll price you
out of this place in no time.

They won't be interested
in this old house.

It's got
the original fireplace,

all the flocked wallpaper,

and the bathrooms
from the 1930s.

Oh, God,
you're gonna be overrun.

- Mabel, darling,
can I ask you something? - Sure.

Do you think I could be
that North Korean newsreader on the show?

- Why can't I do that?
- For one thing,

you'd get absolutely
slaughtered on Twitter.

I don't care
what they say on Twitter.

I've been in this business
long enough

to not care about what they're
saying about me online.

What are they saying
about me online?

Don't know, let's look.
Uh, @boozysusan says,

"Just watched Tracey Ullman's
Angela Merkel impression

and I think
I've wet myself."

Wow. Is that good?

Yeah, that's good.

@ianfromcarshalton says,

"That new Tracey Ullman show
is worse than--"

Oh. Let's forget that one.

- Worse than what?
- It doesn't matter.

Let me have a look then.

"That new Tracey Ullman show
is worse than AIDS."

Oh! Why would he say
something like that?

It's just how people are
on social media.

I mean, a couple of sketches
I wasn't completely happy with,

- but I still like to think
they're better than AIDS. - Obviously they are.

"I wouldn't let Tracey Ullman
give me a blowjob

if you paid me."

Who'd pay him to do that?

This guy absolutely hates me!

- What have I done?!
- He's a troll, OK?

There's only one sensible way
to deal with people like that.

Of course. Yeah.

No, you're absolutely right.

Hi! Are you
@ianfromcarshalton?

Yeah. Bloody hell.

What are you doin' here?

I want to talk to you
about your tweets.

How'd you find me?

Just drove to Carshalton,
asked around at a few pubs.

See, son?
Your old man's famous.

You've got 58 followers.
You're hardly Justin Bieber.

Does he know what
you say about me?

"I can't decide what
I hate most about Tracey Ullman,

the fact she's
an unfunny bitch,

or the fact
she's an ugly bitch."

Why would you want
to tell Mum that?

I didn't tell her.
I just posted it.

You included
her Twitter handle in the message.

And what is it
about me and AIDS?

'Cause I'm looking through
your other tweets,

and not only do you think
my show is worse than AIDS,

you also hope I get AIDS.

Why is that, exactly?

- You annoy me.
- Some people annoy me,

but I wouldn't wish AIDS
upon them!

Yeah, it's a massive
overreaction.

Leave me alone, will ya?
I'm entitled to my opinion.

I don't like your show, OK?
And I don't like you.

But you'd have shagged her
in the '80s.

- What?
- That what you tweeted last year.

"I'd have shagged
Tracey Ullman in the '80s."

Oh, that's lovely,
isn't it?

- "But not now."
- Wow, you're a real Prince Charming,

aren't you, Ian?

Don't think about my feelings.

What gives the right
to say all these vicious and cruel things about--

- That's enough.
- What?

- We're not getting anywhere.
- I know.

- Let's go.
- OK, Ian.

You can say whatever you want,

because you're not gonna
get a reaction out of me.

- OK? No.
- Come on. Come on.

( laughing )

( music playing )

Honey, do you need
one of my special massages?

That gets you big two thumbs up.

Oh yeah, we could try that
as well.

Make your way to the front
and ask to see Private Parts.

I want to see Private Parts.
Right. Got it.

-I will definitely catch you.
-(THUMP)

Are you out of your mind?!

Whoo!

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

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