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1
00:00:01,564 --> 00:00:03,130
Guys, I'm not gonna lie.
2
00:00:03,266 --> 00:00:05,794
It has been one hell of a month
for old Pen.
3
00:00:05,861 --> 00:00:07,896
Broken engage, infested condo,
4
00:00:07,964 --> 00:00:10,399
Glen Beck put his fingers
in my mouth.
5
00:00:10,467 --> 00:00:11,733
That's the last time
6
00:00:11,801 --> 00:00:13,202
we go to one of
his book signings ironically.
7
00:00:13,269 --> 00:00:14,769
Yeah. Ironically.
8
00:00:14,837 --> 00:00:17,272
But I do wanna thank my
temporary roomies Brad and Jane
9
00:00:17,340 --> 00:00:19,207
for your hospitality,
your support,
10
00:00:19,274 --> 00:00:21,875
and your vast collection
of cashmere throws.
11
00:00:21,943 --> 00:00:23,377
Cotton irritates
my nipsey russells.
12
00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:24,778
Hey, watch your mouth
13
00:00:24,846 --> 00:00:26,880
when you're talking about
the fabric of our lives.
14
00:00:26,948 --> 00:00:28,849
I think I've earned the right
to talk about cotton
15
00:00:28,917 --> 00:00:30,884
any way I damn well please.
16
00:00:30,952 --> 00:00:32,653
I believe you have, sir.
17
00:00:32,721 --> 00:00:34,288
I'm secretly glad that your
exterminator's taking so long.
18
00:00:34,356 --> 00:00:35,955
It's been so nice
having you stay with us.
19
00:00:36,023 --> 00:00:38,458
- We're like a-a little family.
- Yeah!
20
00:00:38,526 --> 00:00:40,793
Yeah, Brad's the dad,
Jane's the mom,
21
00:00:40,861 --> 00:00:43,763
and Penny's the little baby
with the thick knockers.
22
00:00:43,831 --> 00:00:45,698
Which she clearly got
from my side of the family.
23
00:00:45,766 --> 00:00:47,667
- Hey.
- What?
24
00:00:47,735 --> 00:00:49,802
She got them big thangs.
You got them bee stings.
25
00:00:49,870 --> 00:00:51,070
Yeah, I do.
26
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,471
- Bzz!
- All right.
27
00:00:52,539 --> 00:00:54,373
- Okay, okay...
- Gross.
28
00:00:54,441 --> 00:00:55,608
Hey, Penny!
29
00:00:55,675 --> 00:00:56,975
Hey, Shaun!
30
00:00:57,043 --> 00:00:58,877
Hey, I wanna apologize
for that workout mix I gave you.
31
00:00:58,945 --> 00:01:01,079
There was way too much
better than Ezra on there.
32
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,448
No, it was great.
33
00:01:02,516 --> 00:01:03,749
I didn't even know
they had more than one song.
34
00:01:03,816 --> 00:01:05,484
All right, cool.
I'll see you in cardio sculpt?
35
00:01:05,552 --> 00:01:06,585
Cardio sculpt?
36
00:01:06,653 --> 00:01:08,219
- I hope to. Bye.
- Bye.
37
00:01:08,287 --> 00:01:11,088
Oh. Who was
that slice of peach pie?
38
00:01:11,157 --> 00:01:12,624
- Cute, right?
- Suh kyut, Penny.
39
00:01:12,691 --> 00:01:14,725
I mean, you should take him
to Bone Town.
40
00:01:14,793 --> 00:01:16,161
You know that rib joint
on Halsted?
41
00:01:16,228 --> 00:01:17,462
I love that place.
42
00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:19,330
I don't know.
He asked me out, but...
43
00:01:19,398 --> 00:01:21,499
I don't think I'm ready
for another relationship yet.
44
00:01:21,567 --> 00:01:23,867
I mean, this whole Pete thing
has been such a roller coaster.
45
00:01:23,934 --> 00:01:26,203
Ups, downs, barfing.
46
00:01:26,271 --> 00:01:28,738
I just...
I'm still pretty bummed out.
47
00:01:28,806 --> 00:01:30,274
I know you are, sweetie,
48
00:01:30,341 --> 00:01:33,510
but no one's talking about
a relationship, okay?
49
00:01:33,578 --> 00:01:35,712
You need a fling,
nothing serious.
50
00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:38,014
I have got it.
51
00:01:38,082 --> 00:01:40,483
I am gonna host a no pressure,
double dinner date
52
00:01:40,551 --> 00:01:42,117
for you and Shaun at our place.
53
00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:43,786
And like five out of five
frat guys,
54
00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,588
I am not gonna take no
for an answer.
55
00:01:45,656 --> 00:01:49,024
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
56
00:01:49,092 --> 00:01:51,694
- All right! Okay! Okay! I'll call him.
- Do it! Do it! Do it! Do--
57
00:01:51,761 --> 00:01:52,961
Thank you.
58
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:55,697
Guys, put your wallets away
59
00:01:55,764 --> 00:01:58,933
because this dinner is on me.
60
00:02:01,070 --> 00:02:03,371
Run!
61
00:02:05,074 --> 00:02:07,475
Guys, what part of
62
00:02:07,543 --> 00:02:09,277
"dinner's on me,
flawless diversion, run!"
63
00:02:09,345 --> 00:02:10,845
did you not understand?
64
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:13,013
Dude, you can't dine and dash
at Rosalita's.
65
00:02:13,081 --> 00:02:14,748
We come here, like,
six times a day.
66
00:02:14,816 --> 00:02:18,385
I know. I am just, like,
hella broke right now.
67
00:02:18,453 --> 00:02:20,053
Hey! Just droppin' off
this month's rent.
68
00:02:22,023 --> 00:02:24,024
Dude, you gotta get a job.
69
00:02:24,092 --> 00:02:25,992
I know. I-I'm gonna get a job.
70
00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:28,994
I just need to borrow, like,
a thousand dollars
71
00:02:29,062 --> 00:02:31,030
for my resume. And rent.
72
00:02:31,098 --> 00:02:32,131
And a business formal tie.
73
00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:33,366
And beer.
74
00:02:33,434 --> 00:02:34,704
And transportation
to a job interview.
75
00:02:34,836 --> 00:02:35,890
And a frog costume.
76
00:02:36,004 --> 00:02:38,371
Frog costume?
Oh, say no more, my friend.
77
00:02:38,439 --> 00:02:41,241
I got extra money for that.
78
00:02:41,308 --> 00:02:47,279
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
79
00:02:54,187 --> 00:02:55,387
Knock, knock, Jane!
80
00:02:55,455 --> 00:02:57,256
Brad delivery service.
81
00:02:57,324 --> 00:03:00,758
We pick that sweet ass up
and bring that sweet ass home.
82
00:03:00,826 --> 00:03:01,960
Oh.
83
00:03:02,027 --> 00:03:03,428
Uh, Mr. Sarofsky.
84
00:03:03,495 --> 00:03:05,629
Jane said there was
a luna bar in here.
85
00:03:05,697 --> 00:03:07,031
I need the estrogen.
86
00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:08,632
I'm trying to get rid
of the stubble on my back.
87
00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:10,601
Uch! I mean, cool.
88
00:03:10,669 --> 00:03:13,537
So how's--
how's the missus?
89
00:03:13,605 --> 00:03:14,839
- Oh. Candice?
- Yeah.
90
00:03:14,906 --> 00:03:17,540
She's great...
at being a huge bitch.
91
00:03:17,608 --> 00:03:19,509
She kicked me out of the house,
Brad,
92
00:03:19,577 --> 00:03:22,812
and now she's slapping me
in the face with a big "D."
93
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,547
- I'm sorry?
- Divorce.
94
00:03:24,615 --> 00:03:26,350
Oh! Wow.
95
00:03:26,417 --> 00:03:29,119
Um, listen, I'm sorry
to hear that, man.
96
00:03:29,187 --> 00:03:30,787
Look, if you ever
wanna talk--
97
00:03:30,855 --> 00:03:32,654
Yeah, I do. That'd be great.
How about tonight?
98
00:03:32,722 --> 00:03:35,591
Uh...
99
00:03:35,658 --> 00:03:37,193
dinner party.
100
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,428
Jane and I have
a dinner party tonight, so...
101
00:03:39,496 --> 00:03:41,197
All right.
102
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,065
Well, I'll just
hang out here anyway,
103
00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:45,901
probably sleep in a Corolla.
104
00:03:45,969 --> 00:03:47,302
All alone,
105
00:03:47,370 --> 00:03:49,104
by myself,
106
00:03:49,171 --> 00:03:50,972
crying like a baby
107
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,173
trapped in a well.
108
00:03:52,241 --> 00:03:53,674
Do you wanna join us
for dinner?
109
00:03:53,742 --> 00:03:55,776
Does the Car Czar have a camera
in the women's bathroom?
110
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:58,446
No, I do not and would not,
111
00:03:58,514 --> 00:04:00,015
but, yeah, I wanna come over
for dinner.
112
00:04:00,082 --> 00:04:01,182
Right on.
113
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:02,450
Hey, Boo. I'm ready to go.
114
00:04:02,518 --> 00:04:05,352
Great.
Uh, a tiny adorable addendum.
115
00:04:05,420 --> 00:04:08,055
Car Czar's
coming over for dinner.
116
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,456
Isn't that great?
117
00:04:10,791 --> 00:04:16,596
Uh...
118
00:04:18,799 --> 00:04:20,233
'Sup, shmorons.
119
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,634
Happy now?
120
00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:22,935
What do you mean?
And how did you get in here?
121
00:04:23,003 --> 00:04:24,470
And why are you wearing
my robe?
122
00:04:24,538 --> 00:04:26,906
I have keys, and I
refuse to explain the robe.
123
00:04:26,973 --> 00:04:29,242
You guys remember how you were
on me to get a job?
124
00:04:29,309 --> 00:04:31,977
Well, I found an even better way
to make some money.
125
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,281
I'm gonna be a contestant
in Mr. Super Gay Chicago.
126
00:04:36,349 --> 00:04:38,350
Happy now?
127
00:04:38,418 --> 00:04:40,052
Oh, that's where
that "happy now?" Goes.
128
00:04:40,119 --> 00:04:41,754
- Mr. what?
- Super gay where?
129
00:04:41,821 --> 00:04:44,389
The super gay pageant they have
every year at Rosalita's.
130
00:04:44,457 --> 00:04:46,859
Grand prize is 1,000 bucks.
131
00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:48,293
What better way
to make some cash
132
00:04:48,361 --> 00:04:50,663
than a high-risk, unpredictable,
subjective contest?
133
00:04:50,730 --> 00:04:52,430
I mean, it's foolproof.
134
00:04:52,497 --> 00:04:55,967
Max, when we said "get a job,"
this is not what we meant.
135
00:04:56,035 --> 00:04:57,468
This is so much better!
136
00:04:57,536 --> 00:04:59,070
It's awesome!
137
00:04:59,137 --> 00:05:00,438
And I can totally help you.
138
00:05:00,505 --> 00:05:01,973
I have seen every episode
of "Toddlers & Tiaras,"
139
00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:04,642
"Pageant Kings," "Baby Queens,"
and "King Of Queens."
140
00:05:04,710 --> 00:05:07,811
- That last one is just a pageant of comedy
where everyone wins. - Of course.
141
00:05:07,879 --> 00:05:09,212
And I can help, too.
142
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:10,781
When I was a kid, I was
regional champ at junior mister,
143
00:05:10,848 --> 00:05:12,716
the young gentlemen's pageant.
144
00:05:12,784 --> 00:05:13,717
You were in pageants as a kid?
145
00:05:13,785 --> 00:05:15,085
Uh, correction, officer.
146
00:05:15,152 --> 00:05:17,320
I won pageants
as a young adult.
147
00:05:17,388 --> 00:05:18,689
Thanks, guys.
148
00:05:18,756 --> 00:05:21,458
Queer he is
149
00:05:21,525 --> 00:05:26,361
Mr. Super Gay Chicago
150
00:05:26,429 --> 00:05:27,730
We have a lot of work to do.
151
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,934
How could you
invite the Car Czar over?
152
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:34,937
He's clearly drunk and ruining
Shaun and Penny's date.
153
00:05:35,005 --> 00:05:36,171
I'm sorry. When I'm in
an awkward situation,
154
00:05:36,239 --> 00:05:38,074
I panic and invite people
to things...
155
00:05:38,141 --> 00:05:40,174
like when I invited
that mall Santa to our wedding.
156
00:05:40,242 --> 00:05:41,876
Oh, yeah. I can't forget Darryl.
Don't worry.
157
00:05:41,877 --> 00:05:44,335
Who's hungry?
158
00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:48,282
Whoa! Janie...
Where's the meat course?
159
00:05:48,350 --> 00:05:51,252
Huh? So far it feels like this
dinner's been catered by Moby.
160
00:05:54,389 --> 00:05:56,090
Boom!
161
00:05:56,157 --> 00:05:57,557
It is a vegetarian meal
for Shaun,
162
00:05:57,626 --> 00:06:01,261
the guest we wanted
and therefore invited.
163
00:06:01,329 --> 00:06:03,363
Now, Shaun, what were you saying
about complete proteins again?
164
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,833
You can get all the amino acids
you need from a rice-bean combo.
165
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,400
Oh, Shaun!
166
00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:11,804
Shaun! Come on!
167
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,073
Meat is what
makes your meat work.
168
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,074
Oh, God.
169
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,676
Okay.
170
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:17,910
Shaun, listen.
171
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,479
I get the whole
double date thing, okay?
172
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,448
And I don't wanna embarrass you
in front of your gal.
173
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,018
But... I really think
we should wrestle.
174
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,585
What?
175
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,854
Yeah. I win, we eat steak.
176
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:32,691
You win, you shut up
for the rest of your life.
177
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:34,026
Huh? What do you say,
baby corn?
178
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:35,727
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's get this off.
179
00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:37,095
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
- You're gonna wanna move comfortably.
180
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:38,630
- Don't--
- Oh!
181
00:06:38,697 --> 00:06:39,730
- Let's get undressed. Let's get this off.
- Whoa. Okay.
182
00:06:39,798 --> 00:06:40,965
- Let's get naked.
- Uh, o-okay.
183
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:42,400
This-- this is getting weird.
184
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:44,202
- It's gettin' really weird.
- Yeah, let's get weird.
185
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,237
- Um, I'm gonna go. Sorry, Penny.
Sorry, Penny. - No, Shaun.
186
00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:47,672
- Let's get weird.
- No, I gotta go. I gotta go.
187
00:06:47,739 --> 00:06:49,607
- Shaun-- let's not get weird. Shaun!
- No.
188
00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:51,042
You were gonna tell us
about lentils!
189
00:06:51,109 --> 00:06:52,610
Must be
his time of the month, huh?
190
00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:55,479
What the hell is wrong with you?
191
00:06:55,547 --> 00:06:58,182
I'm going to my room.
192
00:06:58,249 --> 00:07:00,116
Uncle Freddie!
193
00:07:00,185 --> 00:07:01,685
Oh, you're up.
194
00:07:01,752 --> 00:07:03,253
Again?
How did you get in here?
195
00:07:03,321 --> 00:07:05,088
I slept here. Okay, we need
to work on my training
196
00:07:05,156 --> 00:07:06,590
for Mr. Super Gay Chicago.
197
00:07:06,658 --> 00:07:07,857
I went to orientation
last night,
198
00:07:07,925 --> 00:07:10,160
and the competition is stiff.
199
00:07:10,227 --> 00:07:11,427
They disqualified that guy,
200
00:07:11,495 --> 00:07:13,830
but the rest of the competition
is pretty good.
201
00:07:13,898 --> 00:07:15,832
Okay, let's get started.
202
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:19,069
I'm gonna teach you my winning
routine from Junior Mister '94.
203
00:07:19,136 --> 00:07:21,137
It was the cream de la cream.
204
00:07:21,205 --> 00:07:23,707
_
205
00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:27,176
They say
we're young and we don't know
206
00:07:27,243 --> 00:07:32,781
won't find outuntil we grow
207
00:07:32,849 --> 00:07:35,918
Uh, Dave, welcome to
the 31st century. Okay?
208
00:07:35,985 --> 00:07:40,055
Max, to win, you need
flash, flash, flash, and fire.
209
00:07:40,123 --> 00:07:42,590
No. Trust me, as a member
of the small fraternity
210
00:07:42,657 --> 00:07:44,726
of willing, straight male
pageant veterans,
211
00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:47,628
I know you need something
a little more rare.
212
00:07:47,696 --> 00:07:48,996
Class.
213
00:07:49,064 --> 00:07:50,732
Whatever.
214
00:07:50,799 --> 00:07:51,899
There's a bunch of categories,
so we'll just divide it up.
215
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:53,267
Dave, you'll take
Q&A and Talent.
216
00:07:53,335 --> 00:07:54,936
Alex, you'll take Clubwear
and Gay Fitness.
217
00:07:55,003 --> 00:07:56,871
Fine, as long as Alex doesn't
mess this up.
218
00:07:56,939 --> 00:07:58,606
Uh, I think you have me confused
with your hairstylist.
219
00:07:58,673 --> 00:07:59,806
Count it.
220
00:07:59,874 --> 00:08:01,108
I'll also be covering
the category
221
00:08:01,175 --> 00:08:03,744
of stone-cold bitchy comebacks.
222
00:08:03,811 --> 00:08:04,778
Yeah, babe!
223
00:08:04,846 --> 00:08:05,812
What just happened?
224
00:08:08,950 --> 00:08:10,884
Hey, Pen.
I just wanted to apologize
225
00:08:10,952 --> 00:08:12,052
for your date getting ruined
last night.
226
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,154
I feel terrible...
227
00:08:14,222 --> 00:08:16,589
that Brad invited the Car Czar.
228
00:08:16,657 --> 00:08:18,124
Well, thank you for the apology.
I appreciate it.
229
00:08:18,191 --> 00:08:19,292
But I gotta get ready for work
230
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:20,860
so I'll see you guys later,
okay? Bye!
231
00:08:20,927 --> 00:08:23,062
Babe, I got the caramel open.
232
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:24,297
Get your buns in here.
233
00:08:24,365 --> 00:08:27,199
Oh... my.. goodness.
234
00:08:27,268 --> 00:08:28,601
Penny made a boo-boo.
235
00:08:28,669 --> 00:08:30,835
Jane,
you gotta get me out of this!
236
00:08:30,903 --> 00:08:34,439
Hey! Close the door!
What, do you live in a barn?!
237
00:08:41,793 --> 00:08:43,928
So that's why you and Penny
seeing each other is a...
238
00:08:43,995 --> 00:08:45,762
bad idea.
239
00:08:45,831 --> 00:08:47,298
Yeah.
240
00:08:47,365 --> 00:08:49,133
Yeah, I mean...
241
00:08:49,201 --> 00:08:50,834
Thank you for the heads-up,
Jane.
242
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:52,335
I had...
243
00:08:52,402 --> 00:08:54,603
no idea she was a Democrat.
244
00:08:54,671 --> 00:08:58,507
Well, I am gonna steer
clear of that pro-Union whore.
245
00:08:58,575 --> 00:08:59,742
Thank you.
246
00:09:01,378 --> 00:09:02,712
So you're out of it.
247
00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:05,448
Oh, thank God! Thank you, Jane.
You have saved my life.
248
00:09:05,515 --> 00:09:07,515
Babe, what do you think
of my tushie
249
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:10,518
on a scale from 1 to mouthwatering?
250
00:09:10,586 --> 00:09:13,355
What is wrong with you?
First of all, he is my boss.
251
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:14,756
Second of all,
252
00:09:14,824 --> 00:09:16,291
he is the grossest man
I have ever met.
253
00:09:16,359 --> 00:09:17,960
He has a standing order
254
00:09:18,027 --> 00:09:20,963
at the strip club
behind the dealership-- eggs.
255
00:09:21,030 --> 00:09:23,030
I know, but I've never been
with a guy like him before.
256
00:09:23,098 --> 00:09:24,631
He's brash and old-school,
257
00:09:24,699 --> 00:09:26,734
like Don Draper with twice
the drinking and half the hair.
258
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,736
Plus the sex is amazing.
259
00:09:28,803 --> 00:09:31,405
Okay, please don't judge me!
Bye!
260
00:09:31,473 --> 00:09:33,574
We are not done
talking about this!
261
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:36,310
Mistake. Mistake.
Mistake. Mistake.
262
00:09:36,378 --> 00:09:38,079
Mistake.
263
00:09:38,146 --> 00:09:39,712
Okay, Max,
264
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,682
the Mr. Super Gay Chicago
Q&A section is crucial.
265
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:45,151
First question--
frittata or quiche?
266
00:09:45,219 --> 00:09:47,153
- Well--
- Wrong answer.
267
00:09:47,221 --> 00:09:48,188
I didn't even answer.
268
00:09:48,256 --> 00:09:50,156
Don't be so literal, Max.
269
00:09:50,224 --> 00:09:51,958
Does Dave Matthews sing
"Ants Marching"
270
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:53,626
because he wants to see
ants marching?
271
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,027
I don't know.
The man's a genius.
272
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,728
It's none of our business.
273
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:58,597
The point is, it's about style.
274
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,165
Now you see this?
275
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:02,734
These are called ponder hands.
276
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:05,371
They make me look like
I'm pondering the answer.
277
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:09,674
Now you try. Where do you put
your hands when you ponder?
278
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,776
No, damn it!
279
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:14,913
What's this?
280
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:17,382
Is this what Alex
has you wearing in Clubwear?
281
00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:19,417
Oh, my God.
That is absolutely...
282
00:10:19,484 --> 00:10:21,786
Terrible? That's what he said
about my Clubwear?
283
00:10:21,853 --> 00:10:23,487
I'm sorry, Max,
but you look amazing.
284
00:10:23,555 --> 00:10:24,755
Are you sure, Alex?
285
00:10:24,823 --> 00:10:26,857
'Cause there's a breeze,
like...
286
00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:28,292
everywhere.
287
00:10:28,359 --> 00:10:30,660
It's better to be memorable
than boring.
288
00:10:30,728 --> 00:10:33,763
Do you want to be Russell Brand
or Russell bland?
289
00:10:33,831 --> 00:10:36,133
Are those my only two options?
290
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,401
You have to act like
291
00:10:37,468 --> 00:10:38,535
you're bigger than
this whole competition.
292
00:10:38,602 --> 00:10:40,304
Forget ponder hands.
293
00:10:40,371 --> 00:10:42,372
You need to practice
your eye rolls.
294
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,173
Come on. Throw some shade
for papa.
295
00:10:45,809 --> 00:10:47,843
Not big enough.
296
00:10:47,911 --> 00:10:49,745
I wanna see only whites.
297
00:10:49,813 --> 00:10:52,748
Dark pupils right to the back.
298
00:10:52,816 --> 00:10:54,050
I realize that that sounds bad.
299
00:10:54,117 --> 00:10:55,451
Okay,
300
00:10:55,518 --> 00:10:58,554
what do you do when
you wanna look annoyed?
301
00:11:01,357 --> 00:11:02,757
Damn it! No, Max.
302
00:11:02,825 --> 00:11:05,360
What is going on
with you, Penny?
303
00:11:05,428 --> 00:11:07,062
You are a mess.
304
00:11:07,129 --> 00:11:09,564
You look like Coolio
after he takes his braids out.
305
00:11:09,631 --> 00:11:12,133
I can't stop having sex
with that Polish caveman.
306
00:11:12,201 --> 00:11:14,635
I don't even like him.
I mean, he disgusts me.
307
00:11:14,703 --> 00:11:16,903
But he has this magical hold
on me.
308
00:11:16,972 --> 00:11:19,239
And sometimes a real hold.
309
00:11:19,307 --> 00:11:21,241
You ever gotten caught up
in a North-South keylock?
310
00:11:21,309 --> 00:11:23,477
- Standing up or sitting down?
- Both.
311
00:11:23,544 --> 00:11:25,379
- Okay, Brad, stay on message.
- Right.
312
00:11:25,447 --> 00:11:29,883
Penny, I say this with
all the love in my heart--
313
00:11:29,951 --> 00:11:31,351
you're disgusting to me.
314
00:11:31,418 --> 00:11:32,751
Jane, I know.
315
00:11:32,819 --> 00:11:34,354
Okay, but look, I think
I've gotten it out of my system.
316
00:11:34,421 --> 00:11:35,621
Okay.
317
00:11:35,689 --> 00:11:36,555
- Okay.
- Ooh.
318
00:11:38,058 --> 00:11:40,126
Oh, my God. I did not
invite him here, I swear!
319
00:11:40,194 --> 00:11:42,728
Crap. Uh...
320
00:11:42,796 --> 00:11:44,230
He has a magical hold
over me, too.
321
00:11:44,298 --> 00:11:46,065
I don't want him anywhere, but I
have to invite him everywhere.
322
00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:49,334
Hey! C-A-R to the Czar,
'bout to brunch it up like...
323
00:11:49,402 --> 00:11:51,236
a rock star!
324
00:11:51,304 --> 00:11:54,039
- Yeah.
- Okay, you're in a band.
325
00:11:54,107 --> 00:11:56,008
- I didn't want to do that.
- Hey, Janie,
326
00:11:56,075 --> 00:11:58,176
I need you to do those
quarterly reports for me today.
327
00:11:58,244 --> 00:11:59,811
I didn't get to 'em last night
'cause I was
328
00:11:59,879 --> 00:12:03,981
quote, unquote, busy making sex
with the person to my left.
329
00:12:06,951 --> 00:12:08,552
Please continue
not to judge me.
330
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:10,054
- Ugh.
- Mmm.
331
00:12:11,723 --> 00:12:13,057
Mm. Uh...
332
00:12:14,759 --> 00:12:16,227
I think that whipped cream
has turned.
333
00:12:17,462 --> 00:12:19,396
Hello, everyone!
334
00:12:19,463 --> 00:12:20,563
Welcome to the first night
335
00:12:20,631 --> 00:12:23,166
of Chicagoland's
second gayest pageant.
336
00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:25,768
I'm your host Josh Jill.
337
00:12:25,836 --> 00:12:26,903
This is so cool!
338
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,371
I know.
339
00:12:28,439 --> 00:12:29,672
I haven't been this excited
since I found out
340
00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:31,841
Donnie Wahlberg and I
share the same birthday.
341
00:12:31,909 --> 00:12:33,410
Well, one day apart.
342
00:12:33,477 --> 00:12:36,078
Our first category is
Gay Fitness,
343
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:39,981
which is just like fitness,
only gayer.
344
00:12:51,527 --> 00:12:53,761
That was gay-rific.
345
00:12:53,828 --> 00:12:56,464
Speaking of fat,
here's Max Blum.
346
00:12:56,532 --> 00:12:58,315
Yes!
347
00:13:03,272 --> 00:13:05,573
Wait. What the hell is that?
That's not what I told him.
348
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,174
No, it's not.
349
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:10,110
Now he's a classy, dignified,
gentleman of fitness.
350
00:13:10,178 --> 00:13:12,279
This was supposed to be
my category.
351
00:13:12,346 --> 00:13:13,613
Psst, Max!
352
00:13:13,681 --> 00:13:14,981
Max, thrust!
353
00:13:15,049 --> 00:13:17,084
Thrust! Add a thrust!
354
00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:20,820
Don't listen to her, Max.
355
00:13:20,888 --> 00:13:22,956
March and expand!
356
00:13:23,023 --> 00:13:25,091
- March and expand!
- No!
357
00:13:25,158 --> 00:13:27,293
- And smile! Smile!
- Thrust! Thrust!
358
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:28,527
Get those knees up!
359
00:13:28,595 --> 00:13:29,861
- No!
- Knees up.
360
00:13:29,929 --> 00:13:31,464
Knees up. There it is.
There it is.
361
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:38,471
Okay, that's literally
the worst thing I've ever seen,
362
00:13:38,538 --> 00:13:41,906
and I follow Madeleine Albright
on Instagram.
363
00:13:45,377 --> 00:13:46,544
All right, all right.
364
00:13:46,612 --> 00:13:47,678
- So...
- Ohh!
365
00:13:47,746 --> 00:13:50,081
- Hmm?
- There's an exhibit
366
00:13:50,149 --> 00:13:52,117
- on mid-century spoons at the craft museum.
- Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!
367
00:13:52,184 --> 00:13:53,784
- Wow. I love...
- Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!
368
00:13:53,852 --> 00:13:54,919
- Chugga-chugga! Choo-choo!
- a good spoon.
369
00:13:54,987 --> 00:13:56,820
- Yeah. Could be interesting.
- Yeah.
370
00:13:56,887 --> 00:13:57,988
- Could be good.
- Mm.
371
00:13:58,055 --> 00:13:59,656
All aboard!
372
00:13:59,724 --> 00:14:01,725
Here's my ticket, sir!
373
00:14:01,792 --> 00:14:04,127
That's not the ticket
for this train.
374
00:14:04,194 --> 00:14:06,329
Oh, no!
What's gonna happen?!
375
00:14:06,396 --> 00:14:07,730
- Oh, says here...
- Yeah, babe?
376
00:14:07,797 --> 00:14:10,233
They have a spoon that Elvis
used to measure out a nougat.
377
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,767
- Huh? Yeah.
- Choo-choo-choo-choo!
378
00:14:11,835 --> 00:14:13,436
Choo-choo-choo-choo!
Choo-choo-choo-choo!
379
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:15,904
- I'm out!
-
Choo!
380
00:14:15,905 --> 00:14:17,705
They broke me.
And probably the guess bed.
381
00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:19,941
Ahh. God.
382
00:14:20,009 --> 00:14:21,543
This pageant is a gay disaster.
383
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:24,246
It's worse than the time I saw
Bette Midler get on a horse.
384
00:14:24,313 --> 00:14:26,414
I mean, that Q&A was rough.
385
00:14:26,482 --> 00:14:27,915
Okay, I don't know what's
going on with you, creepy,
386
00:14:27,983 --> 00:14:29,518
but I need an answer.
387
00:14:29,585 --> 00:14:33,455
The question is,
mousse or parfait?
388
00:14:33,523 --> 00:14:34,588
Good ponder hands, Max!
389
00:14:34,656 --> 00:14:36,457
Roll your eyes! More!
390
00:14:36,525 --> 00:14:38,192
I've-- I've over--
I've overrolled.
391
00:14:38,260 --> 00:14:39,426
- Overrolled. Going down.
- No.
392
00:14:39,494 --> 00:14:40,528
Gay down!
393
00:14:40,595 --> 00:14:41,995
Super gay down!
394
00:14:42,063 --> 00:14:45,832
Max, what we need to do now
is double down on the class.
395
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:47,134
No way!
396
00:14:47,202 --> 00:14:48,935
Max, you need flash.
397
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:51,604
Okay, I am talking glitter,
satin, butt crack.
398
00:14:51,672 --> 00:14:53,373
Ugh.
What?! Are you crazy?
399
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,176
Butt crack has no place
in a gay beauty pageant.
400
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:57,943
- What?!
- Okay, both of you shut it.
401
00:14:58,011 --> 00:14:59,445
The only reason
I did this thing
402
00:14:59,513 --> 00:15:01,614
is because I'm sick of being
the poor one all the time.
403
00:15:01,682 --> 00:15:03,416
It's embarrassing.
404
00:15:03,484 --> 00:15:05,451
And I asked you two for help,
405
00:15:05,519 --> 00:15:07,886
and you turned it around
and made it all about you.
406
00:15:07,953 --> 00:15:10,289
Now if you'll excuse me,
you're both fired.
407
00:15:12,024 --> 00:15:13,425
Later, honey boobs-boobs.
408
00:15:18,931 --> 00:15:21,300
Aah! Hey!
409
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,367
Hey, it's you!
410
00:15:23,435 --> 00:15:24,702
You know, I've been meaning
to compliment you.
411
00:15:24,769 --> 00:15:26,837
Your coming out of nowhere
has just gotten amazing.
412
00:15:26,905 --> 00:15:28,372
Well, tired.
413
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,375
Not so fast, young lady. We need
to talk about the Car Czar.
414
00:15:31,443 --> 00:15:33,211
Brad and I feel
he's a bad influence on you
415
00:15:33,278 --> 00:15:34,778
and maybe it's time
to slow it down.
416
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,980
We're not mad!
We're just disappointed!
417
00:15:37,048 --> 00:15:39,182
Okay.
What's going on?
418
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:40,684
Brad and I have discussed it,
419
00:15:40,751 --> 00:15:42,686
and we forbid you from seeing
the Car Czar ever again.
420
00:15:42,753 --> 00:15:46,089
Uh, you forbid me? Hellur.
You're not the boss of me.
421
00:15:46,156 --> 00:15:48,592
Pradesh Singh,
the head of Global PR, is the boss of me.
422
00:15:48,659 --> 00:15:50,126
Although she may be going
on maternity leave,
423
00:15:50,194 --> 00:15:52,329
so it's probably gonna be
Nancy Goldberg.
424
00:15:52,396 --> 00:15:53,463
Please. Maternity leave is for hippies.
425
00:15:53,531 --> 00:15:54,896
If you're gonna
live under our roof,
426
00:15:54,964 --> 00:15:56,332
you're gonna follow our rules.
427
00:15:56,399 --> 00:15:57,933
Well, that's good
428
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,435
'cause I don't need to live
under your roof anymore,
429
00:15:59,502 --> 00:16:00,869
- because as of tonight,
my apartment's ready. - Good.
430
00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:02,738
- Great.
- Think about your future!
431
00:16:02,805 --> 00:16:04,740
- Honey, we don't need to yell.
- I'm not yelling!
432
00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:06,609
Actually, I was yelling.
433
00:16:06,676 --> 00:16:08,110
And I regret nothing!
434
00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:09,345
This is so unfair!
435
00:16:09,412 --> 00:16:10,645
Penelope Hartz,
436
00:16:10,713 --> 00:16:11,979
when I said for you to have
a fling,
437
00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:15,617
I meant with a nice,
normal boy like Shaun...
438
00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:16,784
Normal boy!
439
00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:19,019
Not my... pig of a boss.
440
00:16:19,087 --> 00:16:20,221
Well, maybe it's not a fling.
441
00:16:20,289 --> 00:16:22,189
Maybe it's love.
442
00:16:22,258 --> 00:16:25,693
You ever think of that, Jane?
Maybe I love him.
443
00:16:27,094 --> 00:16:28,562
Yeah.
444
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:36,035
I came back to get my keys,
and you unlocked my heart.
445
00:16:36,103 --> 00:16:37,537
Oh!
446
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:40,274
Penny...
447
00:16:40,341 --> 00:16:41,608
I love you, too.
448
00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:47,613
Uh...
449
00:16:47,681 --> 00:16:48,981
Mm! Mm!
450
00:16:49,048 --> 00:16:51,651
Congratulations, lovebirds.
451
00:16:51,718 --> 00:16:53,018
This is a nightmare!
452
00:17:01,096 --> 00:17:02,896
Ahh.
453
00:17:02,964 --> 00:17:04,164
Thanks, again, kitty cat,
454
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:05,866
for letting me crash here
a while.
455
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:07,435
I gotta find a place
for my chin-up bar.
456
00:17:09,037 --> 00:17:11,004
I got the same one
as Paul Ryan.
457
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,708
We have the same bod.
We could totally share clothes.
458
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:18,378
I feel so close
to you right now.
459
00:17:18,446 --> 00:17:21,013
You know, if, uh,
you play your cards right,
460
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,483
you keep those chest pumpkins
up and runnin',
461
00:17:23,551 --> 00:17:26,052
me moving in could become
a permanent thing.
462
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:27,887
How great would that be, huh?
463
00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:29,723
Huh?
464
00:17:29,790 --> 00:17:31,490
Suh great.
465
00:17:31,558 --> 00:17:34,326
Hey! How did you guys get
in here?
466
00:17:34,394 --> 00:17:36,395
Your front door's missing.
467
00:17:36,463 --> 00:17:39,265
Duh. I needed a headboard.
468
00:17:39,332 --> 00:17:41,133
Clearly.
469
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,501
Why you guys here?
470
00:17:42,569 --> 00:17:44,770
Because we're sorry
and we really wanna help you.
471
00:17:44,837 --> 00:17:47,305
It's too late. I'm in
last place in the competition.
472
00:17:47,373 --> 00:17:48,673
The only event I won was
473
00:17:48,741 --> 00:17:51,208
how many marshmallows could you
fit in your mouth-- 41.
474
00:17:51,277 --> 00:17:53,144
It is not too late. Tonight is
the talent competition.
475
00:17:53,211 --> 00:17:54,545
That's half your score.
476
00:17:54,613 --> 00:17:56,914
If you win that, you could win
the whole damn thing.
477
00:17:56,982 --> 00:17:59,717
Yep. That's why we came up
with a kick-ass routine
478
00:17:59,785 --> 00:18:02,619
that combines old school class
with new school flash.
479
00:18:02,687 --> 00:18:03,887
And fire!
480
00:18:03,954 --> 00:18:05,922
Whoa!
Fire's awesome! I'm in.
481
00:18:05,990 --> 00:18:09,393
Uh... guys?
482
00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:10,960
Is that not normally like that?
483
00:18:11,028 --> 00:18:12,562
I thought so.
484
00:18:12,630 --> 00:18:15,064
Uh-huh.
485
00:18:15,132 --> 00:18:17,567
Uh-huh.
486
00:18:17,635 --> 00:18:19,335
Well, I'll see you later then.
487
00:18:21,438 --> 00:18:23,906
That was my wife, sugar face.
Bad news.
488
00:18:23,973 --> 00:18:25,775
That sweet bag o' garbage
is taking me back.
489
00:18:25,842 --> 00:18:28,110
Try not to be devastated.
490
00:18:30,747 --> 00:18:32,682
It's gonna be hard,
but I will try.
491
00:18:34,383 --> 00:18:35,950
I just...
492
00:18:36,018 --> 00:18:37,319
- You know, here's your stuff!
- Oh.
493
00:18:37,386 --> 00:18:39,688
Okay.
494
00:18:39,755 --> 00:18:41,690
- Give you those babies back.
- Okay.
495
00:18:41,757 --> 00:18:43,891
All right.
496
00:18:43,959 --> 00:18:46,227
Well, this has been fun.
497
00:18:46,295 --> 00:18:48,797
I've never been with a woman
who's owned books.
498
00:18:48,864 --> 00:18:50,198
They're for reading.
499
00:18:50,265 --> 00:18:52,766
I know that now.
500
00:18:52,834 --> 00:18:54,301
No.
501
00:18:54,369 --> 00:18:56,537
No, please.
502
00:18:58,406 --> 00:19:01,342
Oh, my God.
503
00:19:01,409 --> 00:19:02,643
- I saved you!
- Aah!
504
00:19:02,711 --> 00:19:03,977
- Oh, my God!
- Oh! Ow!
505
00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:05,346
- Oh, you scared me!
- Oh!
506
00:19:05,413 --> 00:19:07,447
Oh, you screamed right in my ear
and my-- my whole face!
507
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,950
We should not have copies
of each other's keys.
508
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,885
Oh, my God.
509
00:19:12,953 --> 00:19:16,188
Look, it wasn't right of me
to tell you what to do.
510
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:17,523
This is your life.
511
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:18,725
Thank you.
512
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:20,760
That being said...
513
00:19:20,828 --> 00:19:24,763
I called the Car Czar's wife,
worked a little Jane magic.
514
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:28,233
Got her two tickets
to that Canadian horse ballet.
515
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,334
- "Cavalia"?
- Yeah.
516
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:30,569
Larry King says
517
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:31,936
that's the greatest show
he's ever seen.
518
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,239
You're not mad?
519
00:19:34,306 --> 00:19:38,410
No. I'm-- I'm sorry that I had
so much sex with your boss.
520
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:39,978
- Mm.
- In your house.
521
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:42,146
- That's okay.
- On your floor.
522
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:43,647
- Yeah.
- On your printer.
523
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,850
Ugh. Penny, my deskjet?
524
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,051
Come on, bro.
525
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,254
But honestly,
your advice was great.
526
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:50,755
I needed a fling.
527
00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:53,391
And I'm glad that the Car Czar
was such a pig,
528
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,092
because I didn't get
emotionally invested.
529
00:19:55,159 --> 00:19:57,127
I don't even know his name.
530
00:19:57,195 --> 00:19:58,262
It's Lon.
531
00:19:58,329 --> 00:20:00,898
Ew. I had sex with a "Lon"?
532
00:20:00,965 --> 00:20:02,165
Lon?
533
00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:03,700
That is not a human name.
534
00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:05,869
Welp... heady times.
535
00:20:05,937 --> 00:20:08,538
- That was Billy Carson's
puppetry of the butt! - Shh!
536
00:20:08,606 --> 00:20:11,540
With a scene from
last week's "The New Normal."
537
00:20:11,608 --> 00:20:14,843
Next up, here's Max Blum!
538
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,414
Whoo! Maxie!
539
00:20:25,155 --> 00:20:27,722
Yeah!
540
00:20:27,790 --> 00:20:30,325
Who-hoo!
541
00:20:32,795 --> 00:20:34,229
Oh, you tricky bitch.
542
00:20:35,631 --> 00:20:36,764
I think I love you.
543
00:20:36,832 --> 00:20:38,666
Oh, my God.
Did I just say that?
544
00:20:57,926 --> 00:20:59,026
Guys, I wanna thank you so much
for your support tonight,
545
00:20:59,094 --> 00:21:00,060
and it was awesome
to share this moment
546
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,229
with my best friends
in the world.
547
00:21:01,296 --> 00:21:02,463
That is the nicest thing
548
00:21:02,531 --> 00:21:04,965
a homosexual has ever said
to me.
549
00:21:05,033 --> 00:21:06,234
Why is he here, Brad?
550
00:21:06,301 --> 00:21:07,935
- I have a real disease.
- Mm-hmm.
551
00:21:08,002 --> 00:21:09,670
And the coolest part
about tonight
552
00:21:09,738 --> 00:21:12,039
- is that I get to pay for dinner
with my winnings. - Yay!
553
00:21:12,107 --> 00:21:13,973
- Food!
- Thanks!
554
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:15,242
That doesn't even begin
to make up for it.
555
00:21:15,309 --> 00:21:16,710
I had them pay me in pennies
556
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:19,145
because it's the only currency
I still trust.
557
00:21:19,213 --> 00:21:21,648
Oh!
558
00:21:21,716 --> 00:21:23,883
Oh! Oh! Penny! Jugs!
559
00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:25,785
Uh... uh...
560
00:21:25,853 --> 00:21:28,454
hold on. I got a joke brewin'
in here.
561
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,422
Uh... okay. Okay.
562
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,924
Hold on. Hold on.
563
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,860
- Uh-- oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Here we go.
564
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,128
Oh! No, wait. Wait. Hold on.
565
00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:38,464
Uh... uh...
566
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:39,565
Oh, I got it!
567
00:21:40,902 --> 00:21:45,711
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
568
00:21:45,761 --> 00:21:50,311
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41026
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